Introducing Chocolate Hammer

[Rutskarn]

It is a recurring theme in films, literature, and games: the idea that all that separates our world and a world of chaos and madness is a quivering, whisper-thin curtain. Peasants/space miners/chartered accountants trudge along in their daily lives, content and ignorant--ignorant that they live on the precipice of anarchy and horror beyond their imagining. All it takes to join the two worlds is for some force, intentionally or not, to tear the curtain and open a portal between the two worlds.

The principle is basically the same as I stand here, ceremonial oversized scissors at the ready, to welcome everyone to the grand unveiling of Chocolate Hammer.

Chocolate Hammer is a blog, a string of choleric tirades, impossibly nerdy undertakings, and artistic expression. Something of a budding writer, I am using this blog as a way of practice, a way of getting feedback from a large and diverse audience. Consider me a fledgling comedian, and the internet a sort of open-mike night.

Of course, there are some major differences. If the internet is a low-rent comedy club, then there are thousands of booths and millions of audience members—half of which are drunk, a quarter of which are deranged psychopaths, and another ten percent of which stare blankly at the stages before wandering over to the strip club next door.

The trick is to focus on a particular part of the internet first—one that will hopefully share the sensibilities your project is founded on.

I have, admittedly, lurked on GitP for some time. Like me, many of you are gamers. Like me, many of you like fantasy. Like me, many of you have a decidedly… “interesting” sense of humor. Like me, at least a few of you are probably mildly insane.

If I want to launch this little project, this port is as good a starting point as any.

So, without further ado, I present: Chocolate Hammer.

Here's the link-- (http://www.thewiggles.com.au/)

Wait.

Dammit. Let’s try that again.

Alright, here we go.

http://www.chocolatehammer.org/wp-content/gallery/general/linkimage.jpg (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/)

I encourage you to comment critically—this means giving feedback that I can use, not feedback that I want to hear. Well, actually, technically it does mean that last one, since feedback I can use IS feedback I want to hear. What I’m saying is, feel free to say negative things about my work. I can take it.

I’ve built up a decently sized body of work already (about 20 posts), and the organization of these posts is a work in progress. If you’re loathe to wade directly into the muck, fishing cautiously for salvageable material, here is a list of posts that I feel, so far, are representative:

Hell in a Handbasket: That Most Subversive Form of Media (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=15)

World Creation Post 2 (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=54) (the second post in a series where I create a fantasy world from scratch; the first post was more of an introduction, while this one gets down to the brass tacks)

Darker and Edgier: the Interactive Game (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=91)

The Man with Spear Story: A Timeline of the World’s First Artistic Creation (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=64)

A Pretty Picture (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?p=137)

I eagerly await your feedback. Will work for posts.

A few footnotes:

1.) I’m not just joining this site to get feedback on the site. To be honest, that’s almost an excuse to join the community. I’ve been a reader of OotS for a long time, and it’s about time I started getting on the ground floor.

2.) For some people, and for some reason, the site is apparently not appearing very well. The layout is confuzzled, and whatnot. If this is happening for you, I would like to know about it, if only to figure out how big a problem this is.

Ah, technology. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

…

Yeah, that just about sums it up.

3.) If you want to contact me directly, and for some reason to not wish to use the fine tools our vBulletin overlords have provided us with, you can find an email address under the Fictionally Asked Questions page.

Ta!

[Icewalker]

Well!

By which I mean, well done!

These are awesome. Just read through all that you have up so far, and it varies between interesting and hilarious. I like the world you are setting up, it looks like it will develop into something really awesome.

Your humor reminds me somewhat of George Carlin. A lot of cynicism. But he was really funny, and you focus on the geek side of culture as well, so you'll be hitting just the right target audience off the forums.

I look forwards to following this in the future, especially the development of your setting.

Also, welcome to the forums!

Edit: also, I'm taking one of your Chocolate Nuggets and putting it in my sig as quote of the week (if that's ok) because it is AWESOME.

[Rutskarn]

*composed demeanor*

Hm? That old thing? Oh, yes, go ahead.

*looks left and right*

*five straight minutes of ecstatic dancing, followed by roughly ten minutes of uprighting knocked-over furniture*

[Xefas]

I'm no silver-tongued literary critic who can eloquently express his feelings in such a way as to exhaustively critique your work while simultaneously giving you valuable advice that will fundamentally shape your writing in a positive way from now until the end of your days.

However, I did enjoy reading all of the articles that I read, and will bookmark and continue to read your blog for an indefinite amount of time to come.

Also, I put an advertisement in my signature.

[Rutskarn]

@ Xefas: Thanks--I really appreciate that.

It occurs to me that I should also use this space to solicit actual questions for the Fictionally Asked Questions (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?page_id=106) page, with the aim of perhaps making it less so. Anyone have any Questions they feel compelled to Ask Frequently?

[pingcode20]

Q: What on Earth possessed you to wait so long before letting us know about this?

Seriously - good work. Loved the 'Darker and Edgier' article. Heh heh. Murder by Blue's Clues.

I'd love to see those, to be honest. They deviate so dramatically just realising the parallel would make it.

[Xefas]

It occurs to me that I should also use this space to solicit actual questions for the Fictionally Asked Questions (http://www.chocolatehammer.org/?page_id=106) page, with the aim of perhaps making it less so. Anyone have any Questions they feel compelled to Ask Frequently?

Well, you state that you're a gamer, and based on your world-building articles, I'm guessing that you play tabletop roleplaying games.

Which roleplaying games have you played, and if there is an especially large quantity in that list, which ones do you prefer?

Posting this on the board connected to Order of the Stick would suggest Dungeons and Dragons, but I have learned throughout my times on the board that being a poster here doesn't necessarily mean you play D&D.

[Rutskarn]

Only tabletop RPG I've ever played is D&D--I've played 2E and 3.5, and far prefer the latter.

However, I believe that I am fully qualified in saying that Dungeons and Dragons is the finest RPG system known to man*.

*Note that my qualification, in this instance, is my prestigious Mindless Fanboy diploma from the Institute of the Ignorantly Opinionated.

pingcode20: I wanted to make sure I could handle the three-times-a-week updating thing before I made any official announcements. Several weeks I exceeded 3, so I think I'll be good.

[Fri]

Well, I have come here to chew bubblegum and give praise. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Man, you really know your theatretic. You even WAITED until you got TWENTY article before you officially anounce it. Good stuff man.

That site is worth it even just for the chocolate nugget. In fact, it's worth creepily stalking you just for the chocolate nuggets. Actually, I'm going to start doing exactly that.

[Rutskarn]

You know, one thing I was thinking about doing was in addition to just the sort of freeform World Creation posts every Monday night, I was thinking about doing a feature where I write short snippets of fiction that occur within the world. You know, sort of a fun way to flesh out the little details. What do you guys think?

[Bryn]

More steampunk? Completely in favour!

Very nice blog, and announcement post as well. It may well become the only blog I regularly read. Good stuff.

A minor suggestion: can you make the Chocolate Nuggets go to the next one on a list rather than going to a random one? Right now, the repeats are... well, repetitive, and you can never be sure you've seen them all. If the list is arranged in descending order of date, new ones will be seen by readers as well.

Apart from that, not much to add. Bookmarked.

[Rutskarn]

@Z-Axis: I'm not actually sure the software lets me do that. Then again, I administrate the same way that rabid capuchin monkeys interior decorate: with enthusiasm, but a decided lack of finesse.

I'll look into it.

[Deth Muncher]

See, once you've seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, any reference to anything with "Hammer" in it is completely ruined.

Nice work though!

[Cpt. Soup]

See, once you've seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, any reference to anything with "Hammer" in it is completely ruined.

Nice work though!

You know Dr. Horrible was as far away from my thoughts as could be when I skimmed over the blog. The name chocolate hammer made me think of discworld actually, Commander Vimes said something was "as useless as a chocolate hammer" in Men-at-arms I think. It made me think that chocolate hammer was a term that existed outside of discworld.

Also, very good blog, I will probably read it.

[Rutskarn]

Actually, Cpt. Soup isn't too far off. It does come from that usage of Chocolate Hammer...

It's largely a blog post for a later time. Suffice it so say that, back in my WoW days, I used a macro that read:

"They're quirky, adorable, and as useful as a chocolate hammer! Hand-made all-Azerothan mechanical squirrels for sale--only one (1) gold apiece! Available COD or hand delivery. PST for details."

And then "Chocolate Hammer" later became the name of the guild I founded. I founded it on the principles of...well, making fun of 90% of the other guilds. It was a riotous success.

[Neon Knight]

Neat blog.

I was wondering if you peruse your older posts often? I've been leaving some comments on some of them and it just occurred to me you might never read them.

Ah, well. It killed a few hours whether or not you read them.

[Rutskarn]

Actually, Kasrkin, yes.

The dashboard (sort of the control panel) shows all the most recent comments. I thought the comment on the Strawman Scientist addressed an important distinction, and I did respond to it.

I implore you, continue to comment. It means a lot. Writing on the internet is like talking in the dark: occasionally, it's nice to know that you're conversing and not talking to yourself.

[Uncle Festy]

Awesome blog, Rutsy.
Keep it up! :smallbiggrin:

[Rutskarn]

Huh.

(Spoilers for the Steampunk tales, including the new one posted on the 30th)

So far, every one of these things has included somebody getting shot in the face. I really ought to set the next one in a pillow factory, or something.

[Rutskarn]

Not to double-post in my own thread, but:

I actually just got snared by my own prank-trap on the first link. I was coming back in to go check out the comments section on the blog, went for the first link...bam.

Like a woodcock snared by his own springe. I am slain.

[kpenguin]

...

Why were you using the thread to check your blog? I assume you have it bookmarked...

[Rutskarn]

I'm afraid I've come down with an acute case of not-using-my-normal-computeritis.

It's nearly terminal, I can assure you.

[kpenguin]

And it was easier coming to giantitp, entering the forums, finding your thread, and clicking on the link than to type in the address bar "www.choclatehammer.org"?

[Rutskarn]

I was already on gitp, and the thread was right there. It was a check of opportunity.

Basically, looking through Media:

"Oh, hey, there's my CH thread. Gee, wonder if there's any comments."

Bada-bing.

[Dragonus45]

This is epically brilliant in ways i can't prperly express. You just earned yourself another reader.

[Rutskarn]

Today's Pretty Picture post was a day late, folks--that whole moving thing again.

I'm going to try to squeeze in a bonus update tomorrow--little bit of d20 mechanics fanservice for all my D&D-playing fans.

And considering that something to the tune of pretty much all of my readership comes from here, I guess that's more or less all of them. Yay.

[The_JJ]

Well... I like it, but the site's a bit hard to navigate.

I wanna archive trawl, gosh dang it.

(Note: I am aware that your archive is the size of... something very small. I recommend working faster)

[Rutskarn]

Part of that is Wordpress's style, which lends a hearty middle finger to anyone who has the audacity to try to read a lot of back content.

Part of that is myself, who has the organizational skills of your average stunned howler monkey.

Part of that is...I dunno. A humorous third item. Like global warming, or an ancient Chinese prophecy, or...God.

Not that they're not all the same thing.

Hoo boy, I'm tired.

[pingcode20]

Hey, Rutskarn, maybe it's about time to switch over your signature link to your actual blog?

[Rutskarn]

Reason matters are the way they are now is that I was partially afraid people would miss the forum thread dedicated to the blog, and not feel motivated enough to comment on the blog separately.

This is because I enjoy creating strange, paranoid, and ludicrous situations in my head about what other people will and will not do.

In other words, I will indeed think it over.

[kpenguin]

Bah! Lies!

The real reason Rustkarn wants to keep the link in his sig to this thread is to trick more people into visiting the Wiggles site.:smallwink:

[Rutskarn]

Site's been...patchy...lately. Flickering on-and-off.

Plus, this one spam site has been hitting a couple posts. If any of you happen need pharmaceuticals...well, I'd go to a damn pharmacist, but that's just me.

[The_JJ]

Ha! I finally found the place I'd seen " chocolate hammer" before. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett, 'about as reliable as a chocolate hammer.'

Not that this is in anyway relivent, but I'm glad my Prachett-O-Meter is still working.

[Rutskarn]

That it is.

Although said device is about as useful as, say, a wax kiln.

[wojonatior]

...

So, without further ado, I present: Chocolate Hammer.

Here's the link-- (http://www.thewiggles.com.au/)

Wait.

Dammit. Let’s try that again.

...


I will have to look into this, I very much like deranged humor. And as for the intro all i have to say is...... AWESOME! Just my kind of humor I will DEFINITELY have to look into this. I will post again when I read them.

[Rutskarn]

Rawksomesauce. Glad to see you aboard.

[chiasaur11]

Finally got you into the regular rotation.

Sorry I wasn't on board for the start. It is very, very good.

The fiddle short story alone makes the site worth bookmarking.

[Rutskarn]

Oh, yeah, that.

Spoiler warning:

I still refer to my Great Machine fiction series as Shotintheface Theater because of that, and several other, posts.

[chiasaur11]

Oh, yeah, that.

Spoiler warning:

I still refer to my Great Machine fiction series as Shotintheface Theater because of that, and several other, posts.

A noble name.

Really, if you need a defining motif, you can do a lot worse.

[Trizap]

hm. I'm interested, but none of the links are working for me.

help?

[chiasaur11]

Musta gone down.

Keep trying every couple of hours. It is definitely worth the effort.

[Rutskarn]

Yeah, the damn website's taken another damn dive.

It's hosted by a friend, who's been having internet troubles. So, hence the shameful state at the worst possible time (i.e., when I'm getting Mass Linkage from Shamus Young).

It'll hopefully shake out soon.

[kpenguin]

It's hosted by a friend, who's been having internet troubles. So, hence the shameful state at the worst possible time (i.e., when I'm getting Mass Linkage from Shamus Young).


Shamus Young? You're getting mass linkage from the Shamus Young?

Cool, I get to say I was there near the start once you become web famous.

[Rutskarn]

Assuming we're talking about the same one, then yes. (http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=2924)

[chiasaur11]

And it is back!

For now, at least. Savor every delicious drop, people.

[Rutskarn]

Count it--that's the SECOND damn time I've wiggl'd myself.

Anyway, yeah, site's working. For now.

[wojonatior]

GRRRAAHHHH!!! I only got done with the first month of stuff, and.... the site crashed.:smallannoyed: Oh well

[Rutskarn]

And.

It's.

Down.

Again.

On the bright side, we think we know what the problem is.

On the other hand, THE SITE'S DOWN AGAIN ARRGH GODDAMMIT FRIGGIN' HELL.

[wojonatior]

And.

It's.

Down.

Again.

On the bright side, we think we know what the problem is.

On the other hand, THE SITE'S DOWN AGAIN ARRGH GODDAMMIT FRIGGIN' HELL.

I agree with the(Edit:(Dang grammar Nazis.)) 2nd last part of the post.

Edit: Post here when it is up again.

[chiasaur11]

I agree with the 2nd part of the post.

"It's"?

Me too man. Rutskarn's done it again.

[Rutskarn]

Alright, alright, musn't fly off the handle. Deep breaths. Calming thoughts.

Okay, let's try to focus my emotions with a simple, serene haiku.

Right. Here we go.

Blossoms of new spring

Open to the last light of dawn

I swear to god I am going to find the person who manufactured that defective box and use their spine for a coatrack.

I think that helped. I feel all lovely and relaxed.

[wojonatior]

Hey Ruts. I think your haiku is brok

Bad idea.

[Rutskarn]

Hey, the site was back up!

For about 5 seconds.

I'll call the damn brass band, shall I?

[wojonatior]

Awww you got me all excited after I read the first sentence. So I went to go check it and it was still down. Then I looked back at your post... So what is the exact issue with the site?:smallconfused:

Edit: Crap! now it is up. But I got to got to bed now...

Edit: Edit:
When he turned sixteen, the age where all children/blogs/farm animals are given their destiny by the local fortuneteller Uh oh! Only got one year!

[Rutskarn]

God damn god damn god DAMN.

Guess what's back down! No, the answer, "*insert person here's* mum", is INCORRECT. For once.

It's the damn SITE.

[Rutskarn]

BACK UP, BIZNATCHES.

And a triple post for your troubles.

[Lappy9000]

Although I sadly lack the time to peruse such a blog at the moment, Chocolate Hammer may very well end apartheid. Or it may not. But can any self-respecting and decent person such as myself not afford to take that chance?

[Rutskarn]

No.

No, you can't.

But I'll give you a pass for the moment, shall I?

Anyway, UPDATE:

At the moment, it appears that Rutskarn is going to be a guest blogger on Ghost Medicine (http://ghostmedicine.blogspot.com/), the blog of novelist Andrew Smith, dealing with the subject of teh sexx0r in Young Adult novels. It should go up sometime this week.

[kpenguin]

The Hammer is down again. Any idea what the problem is?

[Rutskarn]

Yeah, I do. It's that the internet hates joy.

[wojonatior]

TF2 isn't gone though.

[Rutskarn]

Holy s***, it's up again.

[wojonatior]

Wooooooooooooooo!!!!!

[Faulty]

North Korea was DDOSing the internet.

[wojonatior]

So I have been told. It was showing on the D20 servers yesterday.

[Rutskarn]

Went down, went up, so what else is new, eh?