GITP Monster Competition Chat Thread II

[Fortuna]

Either. And you were the one who raised the issue of flying PCs: I can tone it down, but the intent is that it will be nigh-impossible to attack without it being able to retaliate.

[Debihuman]

I think the 300-foot range is going to hurt it from a design standpoint unless you can explain why the tendrils are so long and why they aren't branches or roots. For example, these could be long winding vines that trail through the tree, which is how it is "corrupted."

I'd recommend also giving it tremorsense. With a corrupted offshoot, you could give it a pollen attack (seasonal) and even a ranged thorn attack to make it a little more imposing.

Debby

[Fortuna]

Imposing? You want imposing?

Actually, I have no idea about how imposing it is now. I do know that it is getting steadily nastier: with one long-term (which I haven't given a cure for) and one short-term ability damage ability, it may be able to pose quite a serious threat. How is it now?

[Iamyourking]

Sandalphon is updated with items and placeholders for unique abilities.

Edit: Now with skills and two adventure hooks! Could Debihuman or someone give a more in-depth critique to point out if there's anything obvious I'm missing or how my abilities sound? Preferably someone neutral in the competition.

[Debihuman]

Imposing? You want imposing?

Actually, I have no idea about how imposing it is now. I do know that it is getting steadily nastier: with one long-term (which I haven't given a cure for) and one short-term ability damage ability, it may be able to pose quite a serious threat. How is it now?

It's great. That's what an evil 20 HD critter should be like. I particularly like thorn storm. You've got a much better monster now than when you started.

Attack lines are slightly off. Here's how I think they should look. Standard attack is one attack only. Thorn storm should be mentioned in full attack as well since you describe it below as a full attack.

Attack: Tendril +18 melee (4d8+7) or thorn +7 ranged (2d6)
Full Attack: 4 tendrils +18 melee (4d8+7) and 8 thorns +2 ranged (2d6), or 8 tendrils +18 melee (4d8+7), or thorn storm (see below)

You use some feats aren't in the SRD. It would help siginificantly if you would add a feat section to your monster so that it can be judged accurately. Don't repeat the whole feat (as that would be against forum rules) but you can state where it is from and what the feat does.

Here's what I mean. Feel free to copy this section and add it to your monster. I think it would help a lot.

Daunting Presence (from Libris Mortis): allows you to take a standard action to awe an opponent. The opponent must be within 30 feet, have line of sight to you, and have an Intelligence score. If the opponent fails a Will saving throw (DC 10 + 1/2 your character level + your Cha modifier), it is shaken for 10 minutes. This feat has no effect on a creature that is already shaken.

Hibernate (from Dragon #313): allows you to regain hit points equal to twice your character level and heal 2 points of ability damage to each affected score as long as you get at least 8 hours of uninterruped sleep. If you sleep for a full day and night, you regain hit points equal to four times your character level and heal 4 points of ability damage to each affected score.

Second Wind (from Miniature's Handbook): allws you to once a day heal a number of wounds equal to your Constitution modifier.

Debby

[Debihuman]

Now with skills and two adventure hooks! Could Debihuman or someone give a more in-depth critique to point out if there's anything obvious I'm missing or how my abilities sound? Preferably someone neutral in the competition.

I can give it a try. Epic creatures are really much harder to judge. For me, the the math just gets mindboggling. Also, I'm not that familiar with the epic rules so I can't guarantee that my "corrections" will actually be right. You'll have to double check all of my work.


Off the bat: AC has a Wisdom bonus for some reason. Creatures generally don't get such things unless there is a special feat or special ability that allows for this. Such a bonus is usually called an Insight bonus.

Strike is not a standard attack. Do you mean an Unarmed Strike? Why does it not have a weapon? Also, creatures do not get additional attacks for their natural weapons based on BAB. It only gets as many attacks at it has hands or arms etc. If he has two arms, he only gets two Unarmed Strikes.

Your attack lines are difficult to read. I cannot tell where the damage is coming from. If the damage is coming from sources other than the unarmed strike you identify them by saying PLUS. This is how I think it should look but you should double check this:

Attack: Unarmed strike (10d8+65 +3d6 holy +2d6 axiomatic/19-20 plus 9d6 holy and 3 negative levels).

Full Attack: 2 unarmed strikes (10d8+65 +3d6 holy +2d6 axiomatic/19-20 plus 9d6 holy and 3 negative levels).

Spell Resistance belongs in Special Qualities not Special Attacks. It is missing Angel traits from Special Qualities.

It seems to be missing a feat.

I have no idea what the CR would be until I see a completed creature.

Organization should be Solitary (Unique).

Advancement should be none and LA should be -.

Debby

[The Vorpal Tribble]

As promised... the prizes!

Fear Itself
Precious Little Thing by strawberryman

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/Avatarables/PreciousLittleThing.gif

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/Avatarables/PreciousLittleThingLg.gif




Grateful Dead
The Reveler by Admiral Squish

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/Avatarables/Reveler.gif

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h287/serpentine16/Avatarables/RevelerFull.gif



My thanks to Serpentine for their drawing!

[Iamyourking]

I guess it isn't obvious at the moment, but he get Wis to AC and a special unarmed strike like a Monk as part of his Hand of God special quality. It said so in the ability descriptions, but I haven't fully written up exactly what his abilities do.

All of the Angel qualities are already listed seperately in Special Qualities, except for the aura which is replaced with a special one.

Not sure what's difficult to read about the attack lines, he has Monk unarmed strike progression and his fists count as Holy Power, Axiomatic, and Ghost Touch weapons. I did change his damage bonus to just Strength instead of 1.5*Strength since I don't think Monks normally get that.

I actually had spell resistance listed in both special attacks and special qualities by mistake, the one in special attacks had been deleted.

The CR was deliberately left blank until he's finished, but I'm envisioning low 40s based on his Hit Dice and what I want to do with his unique abilities.

I think you're right about the feat, added Blinding Speed.

Updated with new damage and formatting changes

[strawberryman]

*bows graciously and accepts award*

Great job from Serpentine~ :smallbiggrin:

[Fortuna]

@Debihuman: Thanks for the critique. Would it be alright to change it back if I were to explicitly make it a special quality? Would it be unbalancing if I were to do so?

Also, I am a bit scared that the Cutting ability may be asking to have multiple books thrown at me. I know that it is essentially a nicer save or die, but the whole time-delay thing worries me.

[gorknmork]

Right, mines updated, thanks to Debihuman for the advice.:smallsmile:

[Debihuman]

@Debihuman: Thanks for the critique. Would it be alright to change it back if I were to explicitly make it a special quality? Would it be unbalancing if I were to do so?

Also, I am a bit scared that the Cutting ability may be asking to have multiple books thrown at me. I know that it is essentially a nicer save or die, but the whole time-delay thing worries me.

1. you can make any changes you want until the deadline. Asking for help is never a problem (unless nobody responds and that's a shame). I usually respond even if nobody else does.

2. Why would anyone want to throw a book at you? If it is overpowered for the worst that happens is TPK (total party kill) and you scale back the Cutting ability. Not all monsters can be play-tested but that is the best way to see what works.

Let's just see what you come up with and I'll take a look when you're finished. Just give me a shout (here or in a private message).

Also, nice work Serpentine on the avatars. They looked great!

You're welcome, Gorknmork.

Debby

[Schylerwalker]

I'm considering giving the Aspect of Leviathan a few more Hit Dice, just so it can have an epic feat and truly make the party wet its pants. I mean, sure, it's a pretty scary monster as it is, but not RUMBLEWORTHY.

[Fortuna]

Y'know, I honestly can't think of any more things to do with it, short of piling abilities on to it until each one loses importance... and that's not what I want. As it stands, I think that it will give a medium-optimized party something of a speed bump at least, and the impossibility of removing the Cutting will help. I think I'm done. Now I just have to wait for the voting.

[Admiral Squish]

Yay! Awesomeprize is awesome!

I think I may have an idea for this one finally...

[waterpenguin43]

Can somebody critique my Magypsy (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=137308), please?
From Mother 3, if you know what that is.

[Debihuman]

Sure, I'll take a look at the Magypsy.

First: missing bonus hit point from Con +1. hit points are 5x4.5+5 (27.5 and you always round down so it has 27 hit points.
Hit Dice: 5d8+5 (27 hp)

Armor class is missing touch and flat-footed sections.

Why type of Special Ability is Memento? If the items are magical in nature then you need to figure out the cost of making such an item. How many uses do the razor and lipstick have. How often can you use these items?
You should factor in the price of these items and add them to the amount of treasure a magypsy has.

Debby

[waterpenguin43]

Sure, I'll take a look at the Magypsy.

First: missing bonus hit point from Con +1. hit points are 5x4.5+5 (27.5 and you always round down so it has 27 hit points.
Hit Dice: 5d8+5 (27 hp)

Armor class is missing touch and flat-footed sections.

Why type of Special Ability is Memento? If the items are magical in nature then you need to figure out the cost of making such an item. How many uses do the razor and lipstick have. How often can you use these items?
You should factor in the price of these items and add them to the amount of treasure a magypsy has.

Debby
In case anybody was wondering, watch the first part of this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loL8WhRbKJE) to find out what exactly Magypsies (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magypsy#Magypsies) are. (I know, their creepy, aren't they?)

[Iamyourking]

Sandalphon is on his penultimate update. The next update will have the complete story, his spell-like abilities, and any balance changes that I decide to make to him.

The main things I want to know are in regards to his special abilities. Is Cast Down too silly of an idea and is Wrath of God the right strength. For Cast Down, I wanted a way to simulate him sending fallen angels to the Lower Planes; but outright picking them up and throwing them like a Hulking Hurler just seems kind of silly.

[Bhu]

got the fluff done on my critter. SHould have it finished this weekend.

[Admiral Squish]

And here we go! Let the real competition begin.:smallbiggrin:

I admit, I did take this idea from a game, but I like it, dammit.

[Iamyourking]

Bah, it is obvious that the competition ended as soon as Sandalphon entered the ring. It is now just a matter of time until his inevitable victory. Speaking of which, the Hand of God is finally complete and ready to smite evil trees, hulking hideous blob-beasts, singing frogs, blue lizards, and bizzare transvestites in the competition.

[Bhu]

Okay I think the Frawg is done. Do you guys think the Unlucky ability needs spelled out better?

[Admiral Squish]

The Rook is up! A cookie if you know where he's from.

[Debihuman]

I haven't been editing much but I'm noticing that some of the DCs for special ability saves are wrong. The DC to any save is 10 + 1/2 creature's HD + ability modifier. In the next sentence you should note which ability the save is based. Aspect of Leviathan and Corrupted Offshoot of Yggdrasil needs revising for this. Sandalphon's Hand of God needs revising for this.

Also, please put in full paragraph breaks between paragraphs. It is much easier to read your entries with those breaks.

Debby

[Lappy9000]

Yo Admiral Squish, I like the Rook, but don't forget to add in the (Ex), (Su), and (Sp) tags on the abilities. Warp the Battlefield also needs to be bolded.

[Iamyourking]

The Rook is up! A cookie if you know where he's from.

The Rook is of course from Demigod. I must say a very nice job; this is the first entry that I've felt seriously threatened by. Sandalphon should still win, but this is going to be close.

[Debihuman]

How did you get 840 hit points for the Rook? 40 X 5.5 = 220 +80 = 300 hit points.

Str 50 has a modifier of +20.

Debby

[Iamyourking]

Oh, and why does he get six iterative attacks with his hammer?

[Admiral Squish]

How did you get 840 hit points for the Rook? 40 X 5.5 = 220 +80 = 300 hit points.

Str 50 has a modifier of +20.

Debby

I wint with 5/Hd istaed of 5.5 I'll go fix that. However, there is an ability i threw in there to make him less fragile that explains his HP. It's down near the bottom.

Where did I mess up with the +20?

He has six iterative because 40 HD at 3/4 BAB means +30 BAB.

Also, here's your cookie. *gives cookie to Iamyourking*

I think I want the stat up the rest of the demigods now...

[BisectedBrioche]

My entry's up: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7706149#post7706149

[Iamyourking]

Iterative attacks are capped at 4 no matter how high your BAB is. For instance, look at the Elder Titan:
Base Attack/Grapple: +70/+103
Attack: +5 warhammer +87 melee (6d6+30/19-20 (+2d6 on critical hit)); or +5 javelin +70 ranged (4d6+22/19-20)
Full Attack: +5 warhammer +87/+82/+77/+72 melee (6d6+30/19-20 (+2d6 on critical hit)); or +5 javelin +70/+65/+60/+55 ranged (4d6+22/19-20)

His base attack is 70 and he still only gets 4 attacks. Sandalphon gets 6 because of his Flurry of Blows, but Rook is stuck with 4.

[Admiral Squish]

Iterative attacks are capped at 4 no matter how high your BAB is. For instance, look at the Elder Titan:
Base Attack/Grapple: +70/+103
Attack: +5 warhammer +87 melee (6d6+30/19-20 (+2d6 on critical hit)); or +5 javelin +70 ranged (4d6+22/19-20)
Full Attack: +5 warhammer +87/+82/+77/+72 melee (6d6+30/19-20 (+2d6 on critical hit)); or +5 javelin +70/+65/+60/+55 ranged (4d6+22/19-20)

His base attack is 70 and he still only gets 4 attacks. Sandalphon gets 6 because of his Flurry of Blows, but Rook is stuck with 4.

OHHHHHHH. I didn't know that. All the big things I saw had natural attacks, so that messed me up... I will go fix!

[Iamyourking]

How did you get that? Natural attacks don't get any iteratives so you'd think that that would get you thinking the other way.

In fact, natural attacks not getting iteratives is why Sandalphon has a Monk's Unarmed Strike; I thought that two slams was a bit weak.

Oh, and just so everyone knows, the story provided for Rook was copied directly from the game rather then even being paraphrased.

[Admiral Squish]

How did you get that? Natural attacks don't get any iteratives so you'd think that that would get you thinking the other way.

In fact, natural attacks not getting iteratives is why Sandalphon has a Monk's Unarmed Strike; I thought that two slams was a bit weak.

Oh, and just so everyone knows, the story provided for Rook was copied directly from the game rather then even being paraphrased.

The big creatures I checked were the stone colossus and the tarrasque. Since they both have natural attacks instead of manufactured attacks, I didn't see any cap on iteratives. For that reason, It never occurred to me there would be a cap.

[Admiral Squish]

Ah! something I was just reminded of: How do I fill in his treasure? I mean, it would be all the normal stuff found in a castle. Armory, treasury, food and water, creature comforts...

[Hyooz]

The Slender Man enters the scene!

And everyone is a little sadder for it.

[BisectedBrioche]

Slender Man, Slender Man. Does everything a slender can?

[Hyooz]

He's a reference to a creature created by the somethingawful forums. Google it some night you don't want to sleep :)

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Pretty cool concept. We need a movie based on something like that, perhaps even in that creepy scribble as an animated film.

Monster/horror movies today seem to be so much more about the gore and less about imagination and setting the mood. Kind of like how we'll never see a well-done H.P. Lovecraft film.

Only thing with the Thin Man is he's basically a Jack Skellington on crack.

[Hyooz]

Pretty cool concept. We need a movie based on something like that, perhaps even in that creepy scribble as an animated film.

Monster/horror movies today seem to be so much more about the gore and less about imagination and setting the mood. Kind of like how we'll never see a well-done H.P. Lovecraft film.

Only thing with the Thin Man is he's basically a Jack Skellington on crack.

Check youtube for the marble hornets channel. They're doing a film project with Slender Man as its focus. It's really well done suspense horror stuff. So much fun.

I think DnD needs more of these kinds of monsters, like horror movies do. Something you just can't understand.

[Iamyourking]

I haven't been editing much but I'm noticing that some of the DCs for special ability saves are wrong. The DC to any save is 10 + 1/2 creature's HD + ability modifier. In the next sentence you should note which ability the save is based. Aspect of Leviathan and Corrupted Offshoot of Yggdrasil needs revising for this. Sandalphon's Hand of God needs revising for this.
Debby

I did do that, but I ended up with a save DC that Sandalphon himself couldn't actually make and that just seemed wrong. In fact, that way he is more than capable of killing a Great Wyrm Prismatic Dragon twenty CRs above him. I think I'm going to have to give him more HD or make the save Constitution based.

[Bhu]

Pretty cool concept. We need a movie based on something like that, perhaps even in that creepy scribble as an animated film.

Monster/horror movies today seem to be so much more about the gore and less about imagination and setting the mood. Kind of like how we'll never see a well-done H.P. Lovecraft film.

Only thing with the Thin Man is he's basically a Jack Skellington on crack.

There are a few indie or foreign films with a Lovecraftian theme that are decent, they just arent based on his works directly.

[Debihuman]

I did do that, but I ended up with a save DC that Sandalphon himself couldn't actually make and that just seemed wrong. In fact, that way he is more than capable of killing a Great Wyrm Prismatic Dragon twenty CRs above him. I think I'm going to have to give him more HD or make the save Constitution based.

Ahh, now you are seeing where the imbalance of high abilities without commensurate Hit Dice becomes problematic. I think you should increase the Hit Dice whether or not you change the save to constitution-based.

I've gotten a copy of A Magical Society: Beast Builder by Joseph Browning, published by Expeditious Retreat Press. It confirms what I've been saying for a long time. It's easy to overpower a creature for its hit dice. One really over-the-top ability can do it, as can too many special abilities. Case in point see my paragon cat of legend known as Fluffy the Doomkitty: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6650340&postcount=97

Debby

[Admiral Squish]

Hey, Debi, I don' suppose I can convince you to come over to my Demigod's Demigods project and take a look at them every once in a while? I'm working on the third one already and I got no reviews yet.

[Debihuman]

Sure I can take a look. I was actually refraining from saying anything until you post the rest of the statblocks and until I can figure out how well the stats reflect the game. Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with the game.

A piece of advice: if you have to choose between the way the video game plays and the D&D rules, go by D&D rules, even if you have to make a few sacrifices.

Debby

[Iamyourking]

Ahh, now you are seeing where the imbalance of high abilities without commensurate Hit Dice becomes problematic. I think you should increase the Hit Dice whether or not you change the save to constitution-based.

I've gotten a copy of A Magical Society: Beast Builder by Joseph Browning, published by Expeditious Retreat Press. It confirms what I've been saying for a long time. It's easy to overpower a creature for its hit dice. One really over-the-top ability can do it, as can too many special abilities. Case in point see my paragon cat of legend known as Fluffy the Doomkitty: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6650340&postcount=97

Debby

The thing is that increasing his HD would only solve half the problem; his saves increase faster than the DC but the DC would be so high that essentially nothing could make it. Making the save Constitution based doesn't make as much sense but it will at least lower the DC to manageable levels.

[waterpenguin43]

Tee-hee, who likes the Magypsies?

[Iamyourking]

Frankly? Their format is kind of sloppy; you could use some commas inbetween the stats and saves and the alignment and level adjustment headers need to be bolded. If their slam does 1d4 nonlethel damage, you should probably just reclassify it as an unarmed strike because a slam is generally an unarmed strike from something that is powerful enough to do lethal damage with it. The spell-like abilities need a caster level and an applicable ability for the purpose of saves. Also, I would suggest reviewing the CR; outsider hit dice are good but hardly work on a 1:1 basis to CR, especially when you are dealing with a caster like this one. Try comparing your Magypsy to a troll or some other CR 5 creature, or even a 5th level character, and you'll see that it is rather outclassed.

Outside of mechanical standpoints, you could use a bit more flavor text. You only have 90 words while the Aspect of Leviathan has 327, Karnak the Everfrozen has 444, the Frawg has 218, Sandalphon has 704, The Rook has a massive 1,764 (although all but 147 of that was Copy Pasted from the game), the Unbound Spirit has 243, and Slender Man has 725. Admittedly, you are doing better than the Corrupted Offshoot of Yggdrasil with its 86 words; but that is the offshoot's weakest point and an original creation like that could probably have lots said about it. Which brings me to your next topic, your originality. Now I'm not Vorpal Tribble, but your Delphine got an honorable mention because it was a unique idea; and Magypsies are not. Obviously nothing can be truly original, but all you did was copy them directly from the game and translate their abilities. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, the Rook and Slenderman are the only competitors that have a chance against Sandalphon and neither of them are original, but they have unique abilities and are well represented; making your lack of originality just another point against you.

Obviously you can't really do anything about the originality of the concept, but try making some unique abilities to make them stand out a bit. Other than that, give them some more flavor text and edit your statblock and you'll be alright; even if you have no serious chance of winning.

[Sir Shadow]

um, no there is a very big difference between slam and unarmed attack. Slam is a natural attack, therefore it goes by very different rules than unarmed attack. The only problem with it is that it says non-lethal, and unless the creature has an ability that makes its attacks nonlethal, then slam is definitely going to be lethal. They can make nonlethal attacks, just at a -4 penalty.

Also. A lvl 5 character isn't supposed to be able to take on a CR 5 monster by himself 4 lvl 5 characters should be able to take a CR 5 monster. The CR seems fine for the purposes of the creature.

Word-count is not everything, I've seen creatures with before with marginal flavor text. As long as the concept is mostly original, interesting, fun, and balanced, then you have a good chance of winning. Flavor can help, but that's all it can do. Help.


even if you have no serious chance of winning.
wow, really? guess who I'm definitely not voting for. Hint: it begins with "I" and ends with "amyourking". g/j if you're attempt was to be a total jerk.

[Iamyourking]

Ok, I withdraw my statement about the natural attack. My point was that it was weaker than a lone level 5 character and as such could not possibly constitute a challenge to a party of level 5's. I understand if it's not supposed to be much of a fighter; but if that is the case then the CR should probably be toned down.
As for the flavor text; that was a suggestion that could make it better, not a commandment in any form. The Offshoot of Yggdrasil is an example of a good monster with minimal text, but I was simply noting that that was a weak point that could be improved. Since the Magypsies are not an original idea there is less that needs to be said because someone else already thought of a lot of the text for him; but providing some of their history and details about them is always a good thing.

My intention was certainly not to be a jerk, otherwise I wouldn't be giving tips for improvement. It was also not intended to be an insult to waterpenguin, just an acknowledgement that while the Magypsies are all well and good; I just think that The Rook, Slenderman, Leviathan, and, yes, Sandalphon all have much better chances of winning here. I would be more concerned about losing your vote if I knew whether or not you would have voted for me if that post had never happened.

[Fortuna]

Not enough fluff? How about a freaking legend?

Actually, I'm not sure of the quality of it. An evaluation of my new legend, please?

[Iamyourking]

Much improved. As I said, a unique idea like that could be easily expanded upon and the ending result was very good indeed.

[Sir Shadow]

:P well, the point was that there is a way of giving advice without sounding stuck-up, and it's usually a good idea to not insult/demean whomever you're critiquing.

Also, might I ask what book Spellcasting Harrier is from?

[Iamyourking]

As I said, my intention was compliment some of the other monsters; not insult the Magypsies. It would be nice if waterpenguin would acknowledge that I was trying to help him though.

Spellcasting Harrier is from the Draconomicon and gives you an AoO against casters who try to cast defensively. I may drop it though since it and Combat Brute are the only noncore feats he's got.

[Debihuman]

Karnak the Everfrozen's lore is off.

Lore is HD of the Monster +10 and then increases by 5. You can find this information in the Knowledge Skills section of the SRD. Don't worry nearly everyone gets this rather obscure rule wrong.

Also, why do Magypsies get Fey Heritage if they are outsiders? The +3 to Will is only for enchantments so you should write Will as +X (+X+3 vs. enchantments). Also, if you are going to use a non-core book its helpful if you note which book it is from. Not everyone has Complete Mage.

Feat: Fey Heritage (from Complete Mage)

[Iamyourking]

I didn't, so I'm going to take this as further proof of my inevitable victory.

[Admiral Squish]

Foolish hu-man! The Rook is superior! THE ROOK IS YOUR (demi)GOD!

[Iamyourking]

The Rook is good, but him and Slender Man both will inevitably lose to Sandalphon because Sandalphon is a unique concept.

[Debihuman]

To Iamyourking: Nope, you didn't. Also, I commend you on your format.

DEBBY'S NOTATIONS ABOUT THE MONSTER COMPETITIONS

The contest ends in two days. I'm giving out my last minute suggestions now. It's a contest. There are no set criteria for judging so everything matters: meaning every judge has a personal bias.

I'm honest about mine: formatting. Sloppy formatting is a sign that the person writing doesn't care about ME, the reader. It's nothing but sheer laziness.

It isn't so difficult to go back and look at your entry and see how it looks. Fix the spelling mistakes, put in the proper grammar, add the appropriate paragraph breaks, use bold and italics where appropriate, etc. Your post doesn't have be "perfect" but it does have to be good enough. Since that's my criterion, I'm the final arbiter of what is good enough. You want my vote, you have to earn it.

Now, I''m not that difficult to please. Even I can tell the difference from intentional misspelling only some of the time (Bhu's Frawg for example, since I've been reading his LOLcat style on other threads), but if you deviate from a rule or purposefully misspell something, please put a note in there1. Also, I don't know if you are using a house rule or just misapplying the rules.

Last of all, I have no problem with house rules unless you fail to mention them. In which case, I tend to waste my time correcting a rule that didn't need correcting in the first place. If I find you wasting my time over something you should have mentioned in the first place, I tend to become annoyed. Admittedly, sometimes very annoyed because I spend a lot of time on trying to help. Instead of wasting my valuable time, I could have been doing something productive. Just put in a note (Note: this is house rule that I use...) and I'll do the happy dance. I have a very nice happy dance and it's a shame, you can't see it. ;-)

Links to inspired sources are always welcome. Pictures are nice too. I am a sucker for pretty pictures (and gruesome pictures too if appropriate). Just remember to put really big pictures in spoilers and keep it PG13.

If you use a feat, spell, etc., that isn't in the Core Rules (i.e. the PH, DMG and MM), then it is common courtesy to tell your reader which book it is in. I put that in my signature for a reason. I'm often asked to PEACH and VT specifically has asked to do so on this contest. I don't have time to waste looking your stuff up on Google because you couldn't be bothered to put the name of the book in italics and in parentheses. Like so: (from X book).

If you're new to this, have no fear. I'm here to help not slam you for not knowing the rules. If you miss a rule and I remember it, I'll let you know. Also, I tend to give more slack to newbies here because very often they are new to D&D too. I also give a lot more slack to people whose first language isn't English. Unless your post is riddled with errors, I don't generally get on anyone's case about the typos and stuff. If your post is unreadable, I'll help make it better but I'm not the spelling police. Just don't use L33T speak unless you are trying to be funny.

Speaking of language, I know the difference between British and American spelling and punctuation. Ergo, I know "armour" from "armor." I'll snicker if spell stuff wrong (like "rouge" for "rogue"), but I'll keep it private.

Debby

1 I am sucker for end notes.

[Iamyourking]

Lore:
Characters with ranks in Knowledge (Religion) or Knowledge (The Planes) may know of Sandalphon. When the character makes a skill check, the following lore is revealed, including the information from lower DCs.
{table]DC|Lore|
66|Sandalphon is the strongest being in the Heavens, if not all the planes, and is the personal champion of a mysterious entity who reigns at the top of Celestia|
71|Sandalphon spends much of his time doing battle with creatures from the lower planes and claims to be the twin brother of another giant angel named Metatron|
76|Sandalphon is one of the oldest living beings in the universe, having been present at the creation of Mount Celestia, and predates the entirety of the Heavenly Choir|
81|Sandalphon and Metatron are two halves of their master, who was sundered during the creation of the Upper Planes. Sandalphon is their master’s strength and courage.|[/table]



Looks like I do to me

[Debihuman]

Iamyourking said, "I didn't, so I'm going to take this as further proof of my inevitable victory."


Debihuman said, "Nope, you didn't"

You said you didn't do it wrong and I was agreeing with you (double negative was confusing).

Debby

[Iamyourking]

Ok, Sandalphon is really truly done this time unless I manage to get a picture. His HD have been boosted, he lost the save-or-die part of Hands of God since I couldn't get a reasonable DC, and now he has end notes denoting where Combat Brute and Spellcasting Harrier are from.

[waterpenguin43]

You said you didn't do it wrong and I was agreeing with you (double negative was confusing).

Debby

I didn't do it wrong either, but even I'll admit that arcane transvestites don't stand much chance against the Hands of God.

[Iamyourking]

I feel vindicated.

In any event, are you willing to take my suggestions into account? I'm fine with helping you because you're no threat to me; but Admiral Squish, Random Person, and Hyooz will not be getting any help at all from the Kingly front.

[Debihuman]

LOL nice work. I see the endnotes...bribery. Is Call Angels a spell-like or supernatural ability? You left it off.

Debby

[Iamyourking]

It's Supernatural, I forgot to classify it since it was a later addition.

Edit: Very nice Sir Shadow. No threat to me of course, but still quite good. You've been added to the list.

[Sir Shadow]

Asherah is finished as far as I can see, I'd be most honored to receive comments.

[waterpenguin43]

As I said, my intention was compliment some of the other monsters; not insult the Magypsies. It would be nice if waterpenguin would acknowledge that I was trying to help him though.

Done, I just did. And thatnk you, by the way, for your constructive criticism.
Oh well, I suppose we all make mistakes, and this was one of my many, many, many mistakes.
Edit: I also added some things to it now.
P.S: "Gasp!!!" I won a VT's choice award last time!? Oh My god, thanks VT!!! I'm going to sig that now!!!

[Debihuman]

Nicely done Sir Shadow. However, if she has the Aquatic subtype that means that she can breathe water but she can't breathe air. Perhaps you need to add the Air-Breathing special ability, which would allow her to breathe air if she so wished. I did note that she didn't need to breathe at all.

Debby

[Sir Shadow]

However, if she has the Aquatic subtype that means that she can breathe water but she can't breathe air.Aww, did I leave that in there? When I put the Water subtype in I had meant to delete the aquatic -__-;;; guess I didn't...

[waterpenguin43]

I would just like to quickly say that I know who I'm voting for (and it's not me).

[Iamyourking]

Just as long as it's me there shouldn't be any trouble. The changes you made are good, but I still think it could be improved. Do you mind if I make further suggestions?

In addition, I'm about ready to declare Sandalphon really totally finally done, so I just want to see if any of you fine people have suggestions for how he could be improved. The only thing I'm planning to add is more flavor text so that I can beat out Slenderman in that department (As I've said, Rook doesn't count). Suggestions will be taken with a grain of salt due to the possibility of someone trying to sabotage me.

[DracoDei]

Suggestions will be taken with a grain of salt due to the possibility of someone trying to sabotage me.
Don't think that has EVER happened in the history of this contest...

[BisectedBrioche]

Don't think that has EVER happened in the history of this contest...

It could reasonably have been done extremely well if you think about it....:smallwink:

[Iamyourking]

There's a first time for everything. In any event, I don't think it's too likely; it's just a warning that your suggestions will be viewed in a better light if I don't think you have much or anything at all to gain from making my entry worse.

Oh, and I think I'll offer some sort of reward for anyone who can guess my three primary sources of inspiration for Sandalphon.

[waterpenguin43]

There's a first time for everything. In any event, I don't think it's too likely; it's just a warning that your suggestions will be viewed in a better light if I don't think you have much or anything at all to gain from making my entry worse.

Oh, and I think I'll offer some sort of reward for anyone who can guess my three primary sources of inspiration for Sandalphon.

I think Sandalphon could do a bit better with a Smite Evil attack. Or maybe some sort of consecrated* epic spell at will
*From Complete Divine. And, now that I think of it, probably Book of Exalted Deeds.

Asherah is finished as far as I can see, I'd be most honored to receive comments.
It was spectacular, it might just be because I love the Water subtype, but the Aserah is the monster I'm most likely voting for.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Suggestions will be taken with a grain of salt due to the possibility of someone trying to sabotage me.
The day this contest becomes that important is the day I start looking for sponsors.

[Debihuman]

Suggestions will be taken with a grain of salt due to the possibility of someone trying to sabotage me.


Don't think that has EVER happened in the history of this contest...

I do believe that actual sabotage would result in banning (possibly from this site) However, even people who are trying to help sometimes make mistakes. Don't attribute to malice what is an honest mistake.

Also, suggestions are just that. You are never required to take a suggestion. That's not the same as telling someone that they have the wrong number of feats or skills. It's another thing to suggest that they've used the wrong feat or skills.

I generally point out factual errors of numbers and missing text but I don't generally try to provide alternatives unless I see something misapplied. For example, if your creature has no arms, giving it the Brachiation feat might be inadvisable.

The goal is not just to win but to have equal and fair competition. I am rather loathe to enter after I've spend a lot of time fixing other people's creations. It's mentally tiring. However, I was inspired by another thread on this board.

I think my creature is right but it never hurts to have a few extra eyes on this. Anyone want to PEACH for me?

Debby

[Debihuman]

Corrupted Offshoot of Yggdrasil is missing Treasure and the Caster level for its spell-like abilities. Check if you need to add DCs to the spells (I just don't have time)

Debby

[Sir Shadow]

It reminds me of a certain movie... It looks fine with a quick once-over, but first off, it's Touch AC and Flat-Footed AC are missing.

Over-all though, well done. I would actually use this... *eyes the last plot hook and suppresses an evil laugh*

EDIT: Also, are you going to use the possession rules in the Fiend Folio (at least I'm pretty sure it's in that book) where there are Ego checks involved?

[Sir Shadow]

The day this contest becomes that important is the day I start looking for sponsors.And charging an entrance fee, right? ;)

[Debihuman]

It reminds me of a certain movie... It looks fine with a quick once-over, but first off, it's Touch AC and Flat-Footed AC are missing.

Over-all though, well done. I would actually use this... *eyes the last plot hook and suppresses an evil laugh*

EDIT: Also, are you going to use the possession rules in the Fiend Folio (at least I'm pretty sure it's in that book) where there are Ego checks involved?

Yeah, I caught the AC omissions just before I read this. Thanks. I'll have to look at the possession rules and see what I'm missing.

Well a couple things led to this, but I did have Trilogy of Terror in mind when I wrote it up.

Debby

[Debihuman]

Last minute corrections:

Karnak the Everfrozen is missing a few feats. It should have 6.

The Slender Man should have 6 feats as well. Unfortunately, it has so many powerful abilities that it is severely overpowered for only 15 HD. Many of its special abilities are missing from the stat block such as Dread and Improved Grab which belong in Special Attacks, What does being turned into a Fanatic mean? Is there some game mechanic that goes with this and if so you should state what is. How often can a Slender Man attempt to dominate a creature. Why is the save so low? DC for saves are 10 + 1/2 Creature's HD + ability modifier. Will saves are usually Charisma-based.

While I like Asherah, I think she works much better as an Outsider from the Plane of Water than as a Fey creature, especially since she used to be a deity. Did I miss her transformation somewhere? And if she is fey, why does she look human?

Debby

[Sir Shadow]

Well, she was exiled to the material plane and became the physical manifestation of the place where water and land meet. She had to become a spirit to avoid dying b/c of her lack of followers. So it just seemed that Fey fit more thematically. Plus Outsiders have some complicated mechanics if memory serves, and if she was an outsider she wouldn't be from the plane of water b/c she was a deity.

Also, most Fey appear human or at least humanish, I don't see how her appearing human would make a difference.

[Iamyourking]

Sandalphon now possess some more text and a smite evil ability. I didn't give him an at-will sanctified epic spell because the ethos I had when designing his spell list was that they should be for buffing and utility; not for causing damage. Also, his epic spells would be once a day not at will.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Ends tomorrow at Noon, y'all!

Ok, well, I may be working past noon, but when I get back!

[Debihuman]

Well, she was exiled to the material plane and became the physical manifestation of the place where water and land meet. She had to become a spirit to avoid dying b/c of her lack of followers. So it just seemed that Fey fit more thematically. Plus Outsiders have some complicated mechanics if memory serves, and if she was an outsider she wouldn't be from the plane of water b/c she was a deity.

All deities are Outsiders. See Manual of the Planes. However, you could have her initially exiled to the Plane of Water where she was stripped of her Fey feature and forced to take on Human ones.


Also, most Fey appear human or at least humanish, I don't see how her appearing human would make a difference.

Humanish is different from looking exactly Human. Get creative here.

Debby

[Sir Shadow]

Right, she was once an outsider, many thousands of years ago. I suppose if it's that important I could change her to outsider, but my thought was that she's now really just a shadow of what she once was and a spirit bound to the land.

[Debihuman]

Okay this is when the Augmented subtype really comes in handy. Fey (Augmented Outsider, Water) would be the most accurate.

Debby

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Humanish is different from looking exactly Human. Get creative here.

Debby
I dunno, every time I make a 'creative' looking fey folks say it should be an aberration :smallwink:

[Sir Shadow]

Okay this is when the Augmented subtype really comes in handy. Fey (Augmented Outsider, Water) would be the most accurate.

DebbyNah, I just decided to make her straight up outsider and increase her HD to 20. That way she can just advance by character class. That way it's just easier on everyone...

[Hyooz]

Yeah, I'm finishing the missing bits on Slendy tonight. Fanatic template and feats and all.

The save on the dominate ability is so low because, well, it's meant to be. The idea is he has to Haunt people for some time before they're driven mad enough that he can take their minds.

And I probably should turn up the CR.

[Iamyourking]

Is it going to end at any point? Seems like its been past noon for a while

[Admiral Squish]

Is it going to end at any point? Seems like its been past noon for a while

No, it will never end. Your beloved hand of god will be stuck in a voteless limbo FOREVER! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Iamyourking]

As will your beloved Rook; plus all the other entries.

[Admiral Squish]

As will your beloved Rook; plus all the other entries.

...CURSES! My plot has backfired!

[The Vorpal Tribble]

My Immortal Open For Voting (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=139842)

[Debihuman]

The contest is almost over. While I like the Slender Man, there's just so much that's wrong with it. See my corrections below.

I probably should have PEACHED it better before the contest, but a lot of these errors are failure to follow even the most basic rules. Since there was a link to VT's guide, I erroneously thought that Hyooz was more familiar with them so I didn't look closely at this creature.

Let's look at this line by line (although not in any particular order)

Hit points are wrong. It has 82 hit points not 75. 15 X 4.5= 67.5 + 15 = 82.5 You always round down.

Initiative is wrong. It should be Initiative +8 (+4 Dex, +4 from Improved Initiative).

BAB is +11 (like a cleric). Grapple is +17 .

Also attack lines are wrong.

Attack: Tentacle + 17 melee (1d8+6)
Full Attack: 4 tentacles +17 melee (1d8+6).

It looks like all the Armor Class numbers are wrong. It doesn't explain AC and I think it shouldn't have Improved Natural AC as a feat. Monsters can have natural armor but you have to decide how much. They can also wear armor.

To get AC 25 it has (+4 Dex + 11 Natural) for 25. Your numbers should show on that line. It has +4 Dex: that should come off flat-footed. Its Natural Armor Bonus comes off Touch.

Armor Class: 25 (+4 Dex, +11 natural), touch 14, flat-footed 21.

Aberrations get 2 + Int modifier for skills. It has +1 modifier. You wrote the numbers before the ability and that threw me off initially. Please use Str X, Con X as that is more standard. It has 12 skills points for its first hit die and 3 for every additional hit dice for a total of 54 skills points. It has 4 skills so if you apply the skills evenly it should have 13 ranks in 2 skills and 14 ranks in 2 skills. Since it has a Cha of 36, why doesn't it have any skills based on Charisma? Spot and Listen are Wisdom-based (and get a +5 modifier), Hide and Move Silently are Dexterity-based (and get a +4 modifier).

Why does it have the multiattack feat? It has 4 tentacles as its primary attack. It doesn't have a secondary attack and so that feat is completely wasted on it. As I mentioned earlier, the Improved Natural Armor feat is also wasted on it since you didn't indicate what its natural armor is in the first place.

The Leadership feat might also be wasted on this creature. Does it affect the number of Haunts he can have? You list 1-4 haunts in Organization stat block, but in the text, you state he only haunts one individual at a time. One of them is wrong.

Should the Organization text block be changed to 1-4 Fanatics? How many Fanatics can he have under his control at one time. That should be noted. That could be a part of his Leadership feat but you need to state it.

Attack lines should indicate +17 melee not +14 melee. BAB + Str modifier and no modifier for size.

Space/Reach is written incorrectly.
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft. (15 with tentacles).

Dread currently has DC 25 Will save. [B]Saves are always 10 + creature's HD plus ability modifier. This should be Charisma-based. It has a +13 bonus. Save should be 38 Will not 25. You need to state which ability you are basing the save on. If you find this too high, decrease Charisma. You aren't using the Charisma bonus for anything else.

Unfortunately, I don't think any of your current saves are correct for any of this creature's special abilities.

You need to define which Hellish Domain the Slender Man is from and list that in his Environment line. Why isn't he Extraplanar? If he's from the Far Realms that should be his Environment. See Rip From Reality. There should be a Saving throw to avoid this.

If the Slender Man can change his size at will, then you need to list the changes that come with the size changes. You can find all of those in the SRD -- there's even a nice chart for it. Normally a creature that gains a size from Medium to Large increase also gains the following: +8 to Str, -2 Dex, +4 Con, -1 to AC and Attack. When you decrease a size (from Medium to Small) you gain a +2 size bonus to Dexterity, a -2 size penalty to Strength (to a minimum effective Strength score of 1), a +1 size bonus on attack rolls, and a +1 size bonus to Armor Class. You should mention this.

Whether or not it wins, can we please see a fully corrected version?

Debby

[Sir Shadow]

Wouldn't this mean it's disqualified?

[Latronis]

So Uh is this one to be used now for One Flesh?

[The Vorpal Tribble]

So Uh is this one to be used now for One Flesh?
This is the chat thread for discussion on current, past or future competitions. So basically yes it is.

[DracoDei]

Drat... I have two ideas that fit the theme pretty well... and I can't use either of them...

The first because it is a template, and would be basically ruined conceptually by making it anything other than a template.

The second because it is almost more of a magic item that just happens to be alive... very interesting concept from a world-building POV, but barely worth a stat-block (yes, even less so than my martyr-flitter).

[Fortuna]

Ooh, I've got something. It's going to take some consideration before I can crystallize it into an actual stat block, however.

[Iamyourking]

And I suppose it would be rather poor form to make Metatron this month and play up the spiritual connection between the two.

[Latronis]

well all this talk of bonds made me wanna do something but ive gotta finish my prc first! Running outta time fast >_>

[Admiral Squish]

Symbionts! Joy!

[Latronis]

Symbionts! Joy!

Oh so not the british spies then?

[FlamingKobold]

I think my plan at this point is to make a society of creatures, possibly fey, or at least descendants of fey, that have the ability to make a spiritual, physical and mental bond with certain creatures of their homeland.

Seeing as I've never participated in this before, is it allowable for me to stat up four or five animal creatures that they specifically bond with, so long as the actually entry is the humanoidish race that bonds to them?

[Schylerwalker]

Alright, my contribution is in; the ancient, the mysterious, the terrifying...the Benefactors! Keep in mind that there's still a lot of work going into them and I have a lot of editing to do, but I really like what I have so far. I purposefully left their Challenge Rating blank for now, as I'm still trying to calculate it, and I'm still hemming and hawing over both their treasure and whether or not I actually want to give them a level adjustment and make them playable. They don't really strike me as a player race...

[Debihuman]

Wouldn't this mean it's disqualified?

No, as long as it has all its lines filled in, it can qualify. Only if pertinent sections are missing does it get disqualified but only VT can decide that.

The problem with submitting monsters later in the contest is that they are less likely to benefit from my PEACHing them, especially if I am also entering the contest. I can only do so much and nobody else is really doing this for anyone else to the extent that I am. It's a lot of work and it's not the fun part of monster creation so I understand why nobody else chimes in.

The only thing you need to vote on is which one you like best not which one is the most "right." If that were the case, we'd need a panel of judges just to check all the math!

That said, as much as I enjoy editing these creatures, it is a lot of work. I'd really appreciate it if others would join me in this regard.

Any takers?

Debby

[The Vorpal Tribble]

That said, as much as I enjoy editing these creatures, it is a lot of work. I'd really appreciate it if others would join me in this regard.

Any takers?

Debby
I really should be giving you an award each month, Debi. I really do appreciate all you've done. When I became too busy to reliably keep up the critiquing you stepped up and have done much to maintain the quality of these competitions through your efforts.

*starts some applause (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TylvUGJIi_w) for our Lady of the Red Pen*

[Sir Shadow]

I would like to help, but I am quite busy with school... if I don't enter a contest, it's likely because I didn't have the time to finish my monster. I'll attempt to eyeball monsters if I have the chance, but I can't reasonably commit to any more than that.

And also, Debi is quite amazing, her grasp of the rules is far above anyone I know, save one.

[BisectedBrioche]

*applauds*

I'd help if I was even half as competant.

[DracoDei]

Outsiders get full BAB, not 3/4.

Should have 2 more feats.

THIS (http://pifro.com/dnd/NEW/nyu.php) is a VERY useful link for such things I think (and the names it comes up with, based on TSED's monster naming tables are good for getting the creative juices flowing).... now if only I didn't keep losing track of it.


Burst of Speed (Su)
Three times per day, a Benefactor may call upon the ancient powers of the Endwatch and lend themselves extraordinary speed. For a number of rounds equal to their Hit Dice, the Benefactor act as if under a haste spell.


So.... divine Haste with the Endwatch as the worshiped force?

Also, what can remove one physically from an affected creature's body?

[Schylerwalker]

D'oh. *Forehead slap* Originally I was gonna give them six hitdice, and I simply forgot to make the changes. Thanks for spotting that for me.

I think I worded "call upon the ancient powers of the Endwatch." They don't worship the Endwatch. They just...use ancient tricks they learned from them long ago.

And...well, nothing, really, unless you can think of something clever. Like casting gust of wind into yourself to get the gas out. :smallamused:

[BisectedBrioche]

By the way, Tribble. Just to clarify; I can still do a template if it's part of my entry and not the monster itself, right (a symbiote and the template it applys to it's host in this case)?

[The Vorpal Tribble]

By the way, Tribble. Just to clarify; I can still do a template if it's part of my entry and not the monster itself, right (a symbiote and the template it applys to it's host in this case)?
Yeah, that's perfectly fine.

[Admiral Squish]

Physical, social, or spiritual bond, huh? So many possibilities.

[Latronis]

my idea is too much work

[Debihuman]

The Benefactors have an odd advancement.

[quote] Advancement: 10-15 HD (Medium); 16-20 HD (Medium) /quote]

It should be 10-20 HD (Medium). There's no need to have it split if there isn't a size change.

Normally, creatures gain a size increase when they double their hit dice. So up to 9 hit dice, they'd be size Medium and from 10 to 18 hit dice, they'd be size Large.

Debby

[Sir Shadow]

Right, and if you never intend for them to increase in size, you don't need to put a size next to it at all.

[Debihuman]

Actually, having the size there is correct even if they don't change size because it lets the DM know that information. See the entry for the Night Hag as an example.

Debby

[Schylerwalker]

I finally decided on a challenge rating of 8 for my monster. Perhaps I should actually do a test run and throw it at an 8th level party to see if that's correct...thoughts, comments, suggestions?

[Debihuman]

It's always a good idea to play-test a creature if you can. I rely on eyeballing my creatures because I don't have gaming group at this time.

Debby

[Bhu]

Any questions on my critter yet? It's almost done.

[Debihuman]

Let me go into some depth with the Benefactors since they were there first.

I know I made some initial comments but I hadn't gone in depth to look at the creature.

First, I am not perfect with assigning CR.
Here is VT's guide to CR:



#1. Divide creature's average HP by 4.5 to 6.5. 4.5 for 5 HD or lower, 5 for 6-10 HD, 5.5 for 11-15 HD, 6 for 16-20 HD., 6.5 for 20-25 HD.

#2. Add 1 for each five points above 10 its AC is, subtracting 1 for every 5 below.

#3. Add 1 for each special attack (+2 to +5 or more if its got a decent number of spells in its spell-like abilities).

#4. Add 1 for each quality unless you deem it worthy of more. Add 1 for each resistance and 10 points of DR it has, and 2 for each immunity. Subtract 1 for each vulnerability.

#5. Add 1 for every two bonus feats it has.

#6. Divide total by 3. This should be its rough CR.



It gets 6 for HD, 3 for AC, 13 for Special abilities, 5 for spell-like abilities, 1 for DR 10/Magic, 6 for 3 immunities (fear and spell-effects) for a total of 34. It's looking more like CR 11 than CR 8 and that's just eyeballing from the above calculator. However, this is just the beginning....

Now, getting back to some Editing and Critiquing

The Benefactors have far too many Special Abilities for the number of Hit Dice. Aside from the benefits a creature has from its Type (and Class, if any), good balance is keeping the Special Abilities in line with the number of hit dice. The Benefactors have 9 Hit Dice but have 5 special attacks and 8 Special Qualities. It has DR 10/magic which is probably a little on the high side and fast healing 5, added together this is overkill if you ask me for a creature with only 9 Hit Dice.

A good rule of monster balance is Special Abilities (both attacks and qualities) should equal no more than the number of HD a creature has. Look at the monsters in the Monster Manual to see how many and how powerful their special abilities are for both their HD and their CR.

It is also missing the standard Outsider traits (from the SRD):



* Darkvision out to 60 feet.
* Unlike most other living creatures, an outsider does not have a dual nature—its soul and body form one unit. When an outsider is slain, no soul is set loose. Spells that restore souls to their bodies, such as raise dead, reincarnate, and resurrection, don’t work on an outsider. It takes a different magical effect, such as limited wish, wish, miracle, or true resurrection to restore it to life. An outsider with the native subtype can be raised, reincarnated, or resurrected just as other living creatures can be.
* Proficient with all simple and martial weapons and any weapons mentioned in its entry.
* Proficient with whatever type of armor (light, medium, or heavy) it is described as wearing, as well as all lighter types. Outsiders not indicated as wearing armor are not proficient with armor. Outsiders are proficient with shields if they are proficient with any form of armor.
* Outsiders breathe, but do not need to eat or sleep (although they can do so if they wish). Native outsiders breathe, eat, and sleep.


I'm not sure Alien Mind as written is appropriate for a 9 HD creature. If their thoughts are so different, how are they able to make deals with humanoids? Plus, giving them immunity to fear effects AND to any spells or abilities that would alter their emotions is probably too powerful for a 9 HD creature. It also doesn't mesh well with the fact that these Change Shape into Humanoids.

Burst of Speed should be a Spell-like ability since it is based on a spell. Burst of Strength should be based on the spell Bull's Strength and should offer no more than a +4 enhancement. Doubling Strength for a 9 HD creature is too powerful. It too should be a Spell-like ability. Don't forget, this is suppose to be a challenge for standard 8th level PCs, not for uber-homebrewed PCs.

Giving it Energy Drain is likely to make this creature far too powerful, especially since there is no way to heal from it except for high level magic that 8th level PCs don't have access to yet. Nix this or change it so that doesn't become a TPK (total party killer). Nothing should require True Resurrection to heal from at the CR level you are gearing this for (CR 8). PCs don't have access to that spell until they are 17th level.

Possession: What is the DC save based on. It should be 10 + 1/2 the creature's HD plus an ability modifier. There are rules for possession in the Fiend Folio and as they are NOT open content you should refer to them but not post them completely.

Here are all your Spell-like abilities:


At will - mage armor, shield, ventriloquism. 3/day - displacement, greater invisibility, major image. 1/day - dream, nightmare, phantasmal killer

Why does it have so many spells? Given it only has 9 HD, you should use a pyramid for the spells. At Will will have the most spells at lowest level, 3/day will have less at higher level and 1 per day should be limited to fewest spells at highest level. 3/2/1 would be a decent progression for this creature considering it has so many other special abilities.

Also there are some problems with your caster level: Dream and nightmare cannot be cast by a 9th level sorcerer. You cannot have spells higher than 4th level if the caster level is 9. Also, a 9th level sorcerer can only know two 4th level spells.

Debby

[Debihuman]

Bhu just a few comments. Obviously this fits into an Oriental Adventures Campaign more easily than a standard D&D campaign.

If they are only there to torment their parents, their environment should be Any Urban (especially rural villages). They aren't likely to be found wandering the arctic by themselves or Underground or even in Aquatic environments.

Bound by Death is confusing. Why does someone gain a +2 bonus to saving throw if they don't get a saving throw to begin with? Also, isn't this a bit extreme. You should probably give them a straight -4 penalty and remove the bit about gaining classes because it is confusing.

What is the DC needed to attach an Ofuda to the creature's forehead?

Debby

[BisectedBrioche]

Well my entry's up (the link'll be in my signature in a moment if it isn't already). Hopefully I haven't made any mistakes.

EDIT: I'd also like to add that, whether I've made any mistakes or not, any feedback on the fluff would be appreciated.

[Bhu]

Bhu just a few comments. Obviously this fits into an Oriental Adventures Campaign more easily than a standard D&D campaign.

If they are only there to torment their parents, their environment should be Any Urban (especially rural villages). They aren't likely to be found wandering the arctic by themselves or Underground or even in Aquatic environments.

Bound by Death is confusing. Why does someone gain a +2 bonus to saving throw if they don't get a saving throw to begin with? Also, isn't this a bit extreme. You should probably give them a straight -4 penalty and remove the bit about gaining classes because it is confusing.

What is the DC needed to attach an Ofuda to the creature's forehead?

Debby

I put any because in theory they could be murdered anywhere.

I reworded Bound by Death and the Ofuda to make them less confusing. let me know if you like it now.

[Debihuman]

Umm, Bhu you forgot to state which modifier is the appropriate modifier for all of your Willpower saving throws. The Save is x-based (strength, constitution, etc.) is the missing information from your text. See Draining Touch.



Draining Touch (Su): A Kiseichuu Yuurei is compelled to feed upon the lives of living beings, and is rarely satisfied regardless of how many it kills. It may drain up to 1d4 Constitution with a Touch attack. It only requires 1 Con per day to maintain it's Lifelike Appearance, though this does not satisfy it, and the Kiseichuu Yuurei must make a DC 25 Willpower Save to avoid simply draining an opponent dry if it has the chance, or if it has gone more than a day without feeding. It is rare that they will murder their family in this manner, as it intends for them to live so it can torture them. The Save is ?-based..


Debby

[The Vorpal Tribble]

I know they're severely late, but here are the banners. Lets try to get a few more entries before the 20th!




http://i48.tinypic.com/3093h2q.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7801991#post7801991)

http://i49.tinypic.com/2ynqg51.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7801991#post7801991)


Banner Code
http://i48.tinypic.com/3093h2q.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7801991#post7801991)

OR

http://i49.tinypic.com/2ynqg51.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7801991#post7801991)

[BisectedBrioche]

Added, I had to use the small one this time because of the GBW link I put in my sig.

[DracoDei]

The pyroworm probably should list the skills that Deceitful gives a bonus to as well as Hide (which I assume is where it has all its skill ranks?), and I think the Hide bonus is going to be larger due to size modifiers.

EDIT:
Does the cloud not give total concealment at ranges greater than 5' on subsequent rounds? It should probably do so the first round at least, but you explicitly contradict that.

EDIT^2:
The first plot hook suggests the PCs remove the power. Since the obvious answer is that she is an (especially early-blooming?) sorceress, I think having the elders suggest this is giving them too much credit. The elders should be perfectly happy about that solution, and should reward the PCs appropriately (unless they are being misers and insisting on the precise wording of a contract... in which case the Chaotic types in the party might rob them for an equal amount and maybe a bit more...).

Regarding the template:
I think this may make your entry too much about the template, and not about the relatively passive creature itself, which might hurt you in the voting.
Emitting heat doesn't seem a very intuitive explaination for increasing AC.

If a Marlith had this template, could they throw 6 fireballs at once? Also, specify this is a single target ranged touch attack.

Can Legs of Fire work with their Hands of Fire as the starting flame?

Eyes of fire needs to be a bit more specific about "bonus to hide checks"("May use the Pyroworms modifer to hide checks in place of its own with changes only for size differences" might work)... also giving a bonus to hide from something built around fire is weird but good... associating that with the eyes is very odd. I would suggest seperating that out into a second ability, perhaps called something vaguely like "Body of Ash".

The skill section is very vague and confusing... you might want to look at how it works for familiars, then again, that might not be what you are aiming for.

I find it a bit weird that something that is usually True Neutral tends to make its host Chaotic Neutral.

Pragmatically, the largest demand for these things is going to be the immortality angle... although they don't let your Intellegence or Charisma increase, but that isn't much of a big deal. For someone who is already both Anchient and Chaotic Neutral it is utterly irrelevant. You could put in the Druid/Monk's boiler-plate about still dying when your time is up, that would really change how these things are viewed in the world (your decision which way you want to play it). Also, I can see some very light cheese for anyone who has the Diamond Mind counter "Moment of Perfect Mind" or anything else that lets you auto-succeed on Will saves below a certain DC. Assuming maxed Concentration ranks, and a modest +2 Constitution bonus an unarmed sword-sage can get agelessness as early as level 4 (CR 6) I think (1 from the die + 2 CON + 7 ranks = 10) and be doing +1d6 fire damage that stacks with everything (including Desert Wind maneuvers). Of course, you should invest in cold protective items, but other than that it is amazingly good from the character's perspective.

EDIT^3: Since the Pyroworm has an "influence" (it tends to make you CN even if it isn't such itself), but not "control" you might want to explicitly state how it interacts with Protection from Chaos/Evil/Good/Law, it should be pretty clear in any case, but a little extra clarity is usually a good thing.

[BisectedBrioche]

The pyroworm probably should list the skills that Deceitful gives a bonus to as well as Hide (which I assume is where it has all its skill ranks?), and I think the Hide bonus is going to be larger due to size modifiers.

Does the cloud not give total concealment at ranges greater than 5' on subsequent rounds? It should probably do so the first round at least, but you explicitly contradict that.

The idea was that it takes a moment or two (i.e. more than 6 seconds) to properly cover itself with smoke), hence the partical coverage. On the following round it gives full concealment as normal (i.e. as a Fog Cloud spell would), I've reworded it. I've checked the rules for the hide skill (being diminutive grants it a +12 bonus) and looked at the entries; it seems that the size bonus isn't included in stat blocks, just the bonuses granted by skill points and feats. I've adjusted the skill entry accordingly. Speaking of which, I remembered the bonuses granted by the decietful feat incorrectly, so I've changed it to the Stealthy feat and divided the skill points evenly between hide and move silently.

[DracoDei]

Bisected 8: No way does a rat come out to a +16 total hide modifier (even with the +4 racial bonus) without the size modifier being included.

Joxer t' Mighty: You need a LOT more about these thing's culture... do the parents ambush evil humanoids to capture them for their children to infest, then kill them in whatever way would preserve the body the best? Do they look for the most suicidally reckless individuals they can and salve their consciences by doing everything possible to keep them alive? Do they settle for making deals with the elderly? Some mix of the above? 3 Int doesn't make for much of a culture, but you need to say something... or drop it to 2 Intellegence.

[BisectedBrioche]

EDIT:
Does the cloud not give total concealment at ranges greater than 5' on subsequent rounds? It should probably do so the first round at least, but you explicitly contradict that.

EDIT^2:
The first plot hook suggests the PCs remove the power. Since the obvious answer is that she is an (especially early-blooming?) sorceress, I think having the elders suggest this is giving them too much credit. The elders should be perfectly happy about that solution, and should reward the PCs appropriately (unless they are being misers and insisting on the precise wording of a contract... in which case the Chaotic types in the party might rob them for an equal amount and maybe a bit more...).

Regarding the template:
I think this may make your entry too much about the template, and not about the relatively passive creature itself, which might hurt you in the voting.
Emitting heat doesn't seem a very intuitive explaination for increasing AC.

If a Marlith had this template, could they throw 6 fireballs at once? Also, specify this is a single target ranged touch attack.

Can Legs of Fire work with their Hands of Fire as the starting flame?

Eyes of fire needs to be a bit more specific about "bonus to hide checks"("May use the Pyroworms modifer to hide checks in place of its own with changes only for size differences" might work)... also giving a bonus to hide from something built around fire is weird but good... associating that with the eyes is very odd. I would suggest seperating that out into a second ability, perhaps called something vaguely like "Body of Ash".

The skill section is very vague and confusing... you might want to look at how it works for familiars, then again, that might not be what you are aiming for.

I find it a bit weird that something that is usually True Neutral tends to make its host Chaotic Neutral.

Pragmatically, the largest demand for these things is going to be the immortality angle... although they don't let your Intellegence or Charisma increase, but that isn't much of a big deal. For someone who is already both Anchient and Chaotic Neutral it is utterly irrelevant. You could put in the Druid/Monk's boiler-plate about still dying when your time is up, that would really change how these things are viewed in the world (your decision which way you want to play it). Also, I can see some very light cheese for anyone who has the Diamond Mind counter "Moment of Perfect Mind" or anything else that lets you auto-succeed on Will saves below a certain DC. Assuming maxed Concentration ranks, and a modest +2 Constitution bonus an unarmed sword-sage can get agelessness as early as level 4 (CR 6) I think (1 from the die + 2 CON + 7 ranks = 10) and be doing +1d6 fire damage that stacks with everything (including Desert Wind maneuvers). Of course, you should invest in cold protective items, but other than that it is amazingly good from the character's perspective.

OK, then; I've removed the ability to stop aging, added that the base creature must not already have the [fire] subtype, limited the effects of Legs of Fire. The idea with the skills was that the pyrothrall gained all of the pyroworm's skills as a bonus to their own, but I think you're right about the familiar rules; it makes more sense to use those. I've changed eyes of fire to a completly different ability to keep the "[bodypart] of fire" theme.

My thinking behind the alignment change was that the change was due to the host being slowly driven insane by the powers they were being given, rather than the influence of the worm itself (which is supposed to be benign, if a little selfish). I was originally going to make the change to a neutral alignment anyway, but chaotic made more sense (what would you call a lunatic who was drunk on the ability to throw fireballs, after all?).

I thought this up as something that would be used by an antagonist rather than the PCs (the DM should be the real downside to the pyrothrall template). I've nerfed the hands of fire ability a little (it can only be used every 1d4 rounds ranged or not) anyway.


Bisected 8: No way does a rat come out to a +16 total hide modifier (even with the +4 racial bonus) without the size modifier being included.

Huh...oh yeah. :smallredface: I misread it as a +10 bonus. I'll fix it right now.

[DracoDei]

3 times the radius of the fire and not being about to see out of very big fires seems wrong to me. I would recommend more like x10, to a maximum of 60' or some such.

I would also explicitly note that then know the location of each of the fires they can see out of.

I also disagree with your nerf of "Hands of Fire". Every round for melee should be just fine... but maybe only one attack per round is affected by it.

[Bhu]

Fixed the touch and added Terrifying Presence. Just need to do Lore and CR and I think shes done

[Debihuman]

Belly serpent: You are supposed to to subtract the penalty to Str to creature's melee and ranged attack.

Attack: Bite +4 melee (1d4-2 plus venom), or Caustic Spray +4 ranged (1d4 acid plus venom)
Full attack: Bite +4 melee (1d4-2 plus venom), or Caustic Spray +4 ranged (1d4-2 acid plus venom)

Debby

[BisectedBrioche]

3 times the radius of the fire and not being about to see out of very big fires seems wrong to me. I would recommend more like x10, to a maximum of 60' or some such.

I would also explicitly note that then know the location of each of the fires they can see out of.

I also disagree with your nerf of "Hands of Fire". Every round for melee should be just fine... but maybe only one attack per round is affected by it.

Fixed. Thanks for your input.

[Bhu]

Okay I got mine done. Think CR 8 is enough?

[Schylerwalker]

Made some changes to the Benefactors, namely with their spell-like abilities and other special attacks. Decided to nix their fast healing (It never really made sense) and to swap out their DR 10/magic for DR 5/lawful, which is slightly easier to handle but becomes less useful at high level. Their energy drain and alien mind have been toned down, but I decided to keep their immunity to acid, simply because it clicked in my mind. Maybe give them some minor acid damage with their bite?

[Debihuman]

Schylerwalker, it looks really good. I like the changes you made. DR 5/lawful was a smart move. All outsiders have Darkvision 60 ft. Is this an oversight or was this a purposeful deletion? If on purpose, you need to mention it because otherwise it looks like a mistake.

Debby

[Debihuman]

Bhu, CR looks about right using the CR calculator by VT that I posted earlier. However, I have some lingering concern about giving the creature full Turn Immunity at only 10 HD. The Demilich (CR 21) doesn't even have full Turn Immunity (it has +20 Turn Resistance).

Debby

[Schylerwalker]

I just assumed it didn't need to be mentioned. It specifically says in the SRD that outsiders have all those traits unless you specifically mention they don't in the creature's entry.

[Bhu]

Bhu, CR looks about right using the CR calculator by VT that I posted earlier. However, I have some lingering concern about giving the creature full Turn Immunity at only 10 HD. The Demilich (CR 21) doesn't even have full Turn Immunity (it has +20 Turn Resistance).

Debby

It's a cultural thing. Exorcising yurei doesn't always get rid of them so much as tick them off. Giving them what they want gets them to go away. The tricky part is that what tehy usually want to do is kill/harm the living...

[BisectedBrioche]

I just assumed it didn't need to be mentioned. It specifically says in the SRD that outsiders have all those traits unless you specifically mention they don't in the creature's entry.

As a rule it's usually best to include a copy of all the creature type traits (just c&p them and put them in a spoiler, it's what I do) somewhere (or at the very least include them in the ability section).

[FirebirdFlying]

Does 'until the 20th' mean until midnight tonight (between the 19th and 20th) or until the next night?

[Sir Shadow]

You have until 11:59 pm on February 20th to post/edit your entry to your hearts content.

[FirebirdFlying]

Ah, lovely, thank you!

[NemoUtopia]

Last minute kamakazi entry! Felt the urge to try my hand again, and any feedback here or through PM is welcome. In particular, I have no idea where to put this creature's CR adjustment since it is primarially non-combat. It's easy to cause the thing to dissipate, but like a lich it reforms (and the solution of killing its attached creatures and then it is a pretty Evil Campaign solution). So I have no idea where to set it as a social encounter. Any comments on clarifying something confusing or the like will be acted upon while I can. The other entries are all really interesting and creative, I think the Kiseichuu Yuurei is a particularly creepy (but fun!) take on the theme.

[Debihuman]

I think you should check this against Vorpal Tribble's CR calculator. I posted it a while back.

Debby

[FirebirdFlying]

Last minute entry. Didn't really finish either - wanted to get the hearthstone up there too. Oh well.

[Admiral Squish]

I missed the window, huh? Nertz.

[Bhu]

VT has occasionally allowed a late entry through. You could always ask him.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

VT has occasionally allowed a late entry through. You could always ask him.
If you put it up in the next hour I'll turn my head. Writing up the voting thread now.

[Joxer t' Mighty]

Belly serpent: You are supposed to to subtract the penalty to Str to creature's melee and ranged attack.

Attack: Bite +4 melee (1d4-2 plus venom), or Caustic Spray +4 ranged (1d4 acid plus venom)
Full attack: Bite +4 melee (1d4-2 plus venom), or Caustic Spray +4 ranged (1d4-2 acid plus venom)

Debby
Oh, but the serpent has weapon finesse for his bite. So I think it should be +5 melee. Also the caustic spray damage is acid so isn't modified.

Meant to write up lore but lost track of time!

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Sorry folks, lost my net yesterday.

Voting thread for One Flesh is open (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7941515#post7941515)

[Zom B]

All right, for the Mr. Roboto competition, I think I may know the answer, but would a creature template be acceptable, especially if I list a "sample creature" followed by the template details? I have an idea for a technomagical creature but it feels more like a template.

[Admiral Squish]

This is VITALLY IMPORTANT.

Can you make more than one creature if, say, you had a bunch of creatures that would combine/transform?

I'm thinking voltron/getter robo/mega zord

[Forever Curious]

Ooh, I have a fun idea for a technological equivilant of an Elder Brain.

[BisectedBrioche]

I'm going for a technomagical equivalent of a BEAM robot (it'll be sort of like a cantrip based golem).

Domo arigato, Tribble-san. ¬_¬"

[The Vorpal Tribble]

All right, for the Mr. Roboto competition, I think I may know the answer, but would a creature template be acceptable, especially if I list a "sample creature" followed by the template details? I have an idea for a technomagical creature but it feels more like a template.
A template may be provided as part of the creature, such as the base creature possessing the ability to bestow a template on another creature.

However, the base creature itself must be completely original, not an existing creature with a template added.



This is VITALLY IMPORTANT.

Can you make more than one creature if, say, you had a bunch of creatures that would combine/transform?

I'm thinking voltron/getter robo/mega zord
You could, but what you'd be putting as your actual entry is the combined creature. You may then list the individual parts/creatures that it may separate into.

[Zom B]

such as the base creature possessing the ability to bestow a template on another creature.

Once again, I wish there were an :evillaugh: smiley.

I like this idea even better. I get to use my template and you have given me an awesome idea.

[Admiral Squish]

Once again, I wish there were an :evillaugh: smiley.

I like this idea even better. I get to use my template and you have given me an awesome idea.

...Roboplague?

[DracoDei]

...Roboplague?
AKA Borg, AKA Cybermen, ?AKA Cylons?.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

AKA Borg, AKA Cybermen, ?AKA Cylons?.
Resistance is futile. You will be statted.

[BisectedBrioche]

Resistance is futile. You will be statted.

I have successfully comprehended the meaning behind your statement.

[Admiral Squish]

Ooh, maybe a swarm of devouring nanobots?

[Zom B]

Ooh, maybe a swarm of devouring nanobots?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prey_(novel)

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Ooh, maybe a swarm of devouring nanobots?
Grey Goo - GITP Mon Comp XI (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2887803&postcount=9)

[Admiral Squish]

Grey Goo - GITP Mon Comp XI (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=2887803&postcount=9)

....Can I claim he retroactively stole it from me? TIME TRAVEL IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION.

[Schylerwalker]

Oh, you CAN claim it, but that doesn't mean any of us will believe you. :smallamused:

[MandibleBones]

VT, got a question - in your rules, you say that this cannot be a current creature with templates. Can it be based on a current creature with other, custom modifications?

[The Vorpal Tribble]

VT, got a question - in your rules, you say that this cannot be a current creature with templates. Can it be based on a current creature with other, custom modifications?
If its not readily recognizable as the other creature I guess

[NemoUtopia]

VT, got a question - in your rules, you say that this cannot be a current creature with templates. Can it be based on a current creature with other, custom modifications?

Yes. The policy is to say that your 'half-dragon celestial (house)cat' doesn't count as a submission, but your '[generated-by-you-template] + any/all other templates on a (house)cat' can. Generally speaking though, you should use the template itself. As for 'based on current existing creature with custom modifications', I will shamelessly plug my Cab't here as 'pulled entirely from the core books and tweaked' as a legitimate submission. It's got to have something by you that makes it uniquely yours and not just a templated creature.

[Zom B]

your '[generated-by-you-template] + any/all other templates on a (house)cat' can [count as a submission]

Doesn't look like that's the case:




All right, for the Mr. Roboto competition, I think I may know the answer, but would a creature template be acceptable, especially if I list a "sample creature" followed by the template details? I have an idea for a technomagical creature but it feels more like a template.

A template may be provided as part of the creature, such as the base creature possessing the ability to bestow a template on another creature.

However, the base creature itself must be completely original, not an existing creature with a template added.

So although I had an idea for the Reanimated template, I couldn't put it on a housecat and call it a day.

Oh, by the way, the Reanimator and the Reanimated creature template are live.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

No, because the cat would be the base creature. The purpose of the competition is to make an original base creature.

And those are two very interesting entries.

[Zom B]

So feel free, in other words, to make the Robo-Destructor Mecha-Collossus and apply the Fiendish template.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

So feel free, in other words, to make the Robo-Destructor Mecha-Collossus and apply the Fiendish template.
As a sample creature along with the original, sure. The unfiendish version will be the actual entry.

[Zom B]

Khrysalathi/Khrysathali (you have both listed in places) reminds me a lot of Jane (http://ansible.wikia.com/wiki/Jane) from the Ender's Saga books.

EDIT: Khrysathali only appears in the second sentence. All other mentions are Khrysalathi.

[Debihuman]

Khrysalathi's Memorandum


There are some problems with this creation. First, constructs do not gain bonus hit points based on Int. They gain it on size. There are no bonus hit point for being Fine. If you want to do this, you need to create a Special Ability that allows for this. Even Fine creatures must have a Dex score (even if it is a 1) or they cannot move. At minimum, Str and Dex should be a 1. The only creatures with a non-ability in Str are incorporeal creatures.

Debby

[DracoDei]

When I checked I thought he DID have a special ability for INT to hp.

[Zom B]

Khrysalathi's Memorandum


There are some problems with this creation. First, constructs do not gain bonus hit points based on Int. They gain it on size. There are no bonus hit point for being Fine. If you want to do this, you need to create a Special Ability that allows for this. Even Fine creatures must have a Dex score (even if it is a 1) or they cannot move. At minimum, Str and Dex should be a 1. The only creatures with a non-ability in Str are incorporeal creatures.

Debby

Um... Look again.




Fine Construct (incorporeal, psionic)

Also,


Mental Physique (Ex): Khrysalathi gains extra hit points based on its intelligence score as opposed to Constitution. As well, it gains a deflection bonus to its AC and a bonus to its saves equal to it's intelligence modifier. It also uses it's intelligence modifier for Will saves.

[Debihuman]

This is what I get for skimming monsters late at night. You are both right. I missed where they gained additional hit points and that it was incorporeal.

Debby

[Joxer t' Mighty]

It's ok, we all make mistakes, just glad wasn't me :smallbiggrin:

Well cept the name changes.

Didn't give it dex because it doesn't move by any rules dealing with dex. It can move across its lattice and infect. It gains the dex of any it infects. That's all the shimmy shaking it can do.

[Bhu]

I had some ideas for this one, but the job situation is causing crushing depression right now. I'll bow out till next month. Hopefully I'll be around next month.

[Schylerwalker]

Okay, so, after thinking about it for awhile, I finally decided to post something this time as well; I was kinda thinking about sitting this one out. So, here's what I have so far; I've got plenty of time, so it's a work in progress. Description of the creature's background and whatnot will come next, then ability descriptions. Any flaws in the entry thus far?

[Debihuman]

VT and everyone: I think I need to take a break for a while from PEACHing all the monster entries. I am starting to make too many mistakes. It's been fun but I think I need a break. I recommend that everyone check out the rules online (most everything you need will be in the SRD), and the guides in the first stickied post. I'll catch you all later.

Debby

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Sure thing, Debi. Thanks for your help!



-=-=-=-=-=-

In the meantime, Vaynor and I got a banner finally going!
(guaranteed to be within limits of forum guidelines)

http://i42.tinypic.com/9bde6q.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7987650#post7987650)

http://i43.tinypic.com/25q6c82.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7987650#post7987650)


Banner Code
http://i42.tinypic.com/9bde6q.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7987650#post7987650)

OR

http://i43.tinypic.com/25q6c82.jpg (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7987650#post7987650)

[waterpenguin43]

I've posted an entry for this contest. Critique, please?

[BisectedBrioche]

It's an interesting idea, but it's a little short. Maybe you could add more fluff to the description or a short story above the stat block?

[waterpenguin43]

It's an interesting idea, but it's a little short. Maybe you could add more fluff to the description or a short story above the stat block?

Thank you, I shall go add fluff now. (Also, any more critique from others?)

[Zom B]

Thank you, I shall go add fluff now. (Also, any more critique from others?)

Let me make sure on this: they move through the water and as they move through the water, a turbine turns that generates power, and they use the power to move?

Aside from the second law of thermodynamics, which states that you cannot get more energy or even the same amount of energy out of a system than you put into it, there's no problem. If it's using X amount of energy to move, and generating Y amount of energy with its turbine, Y will always be less than X.

That aside, interesting (in a good way) fluff. Could use a rewrite on the fluff, but I'm betting you just wanted to get the general idea out there.

[waterpenguin43]

Let me make sure on this: they move through the water and as they move through the water, a turbine turns that generates power, and they use the power to move?

Aside from the second law of thermodynamics, which states that you cannot get more energy or even the same amount of energy out of a system than you put into it, there's no problem. If it's using X amount of energy to move, and generating Y amount of energy with its turbine, Y will always be less than X.

That aside, interesting (in a good way) fluff. Could use a rewrite on the fluff, but I'm betting you just wanted to get the general idea out there.

#1: Not exactly what I meant, I assumed they had some sort of clockwork structure that let them move by means of "tentacles".

#2: See #1.

#3: Yes, thank you.

Thanks for the critique.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

I'll be going through the entries sometime tonight.

Lost my hated job a couple days ago so have a bit of time for awhile. On that note however, anyone knows of any writing gigs I might could find somewhere, feel free to pass it along.

[BisectedBrioche]

You lost your job!? How'd that happen?

*gets to work finishing entry for great PEACH-tice*

[The Vorpal Tribble]

You lost your job!? How'd that happen?
This is my satellite tv technician job, not my magazine (which is pretty much volunteer work at this point. Latest article for those interested: Alixx Calise (http://www.musicsrisingstarsmag.com/articles/alexxcalise.html)).

Basically missed a day of work as snow took out my power, and thus my alarm didn't wake me up. They've been downsizing like crazy of late anyways, so they were just looking for an excuse. Was going to quit next month anyways, but coulda done with a couple more paychecks.

[Zexion]

That sucks... or rocks... your choice.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

That sucks... or rocks... your choice.
Yeah, right now it rocks. If can't find something in the next month it will have turned to suck.

Still have nightmares that they rehired me to Dish network... *shudders*

Edit: Cool, 1200th post. By next competition probably need to start a third thread.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

OK, all entrants besides NakedCelt should now have critiques in your inboxes.

Now remember, you asked for it. You'll probably want Debi back :smallamused:


Edit: Btw, NakedCelt, let me know when you're completely done with your entry and then I'll go over it. Only gonna mess with that thing once! Dang...

[waterpenguin43]

Thanks for the critique! Though I DID mean 9d10+3, and they usually use half HD then they add the modifiers (for instance, if it was 1d10+1, they would have 6 HP) Sorry for being a nitpicker.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Thanks for the critique! Though I DID mean 9d10+3, and they usually use half HD then they add the modifiers (for instance, if it was 1d10+1, they would have 6 HP) Sorry for being a nitpicker.
How does a construct only get +3? A Large-sized construct automatically gets +30.

Also, it's not half HD, it's half HD .5 and round down. So yes, if it was 1d10+1 the formula would be 1 x 5.5 + 1 = 6. Doesn't matter if you go 5.5 x 1 or 1 x 5.5.

In the instance of your entry however it is 9 x 5.5 or 5.5 x 9. Which is 49.5, round down to 49. Add 3 and it's 52 HP or, more correctly, add 30, for 79.5, rounding down to 79 hp.

[Leicontis]

Thanks for the tips in your critique - I tweaked the entry to fix the things you pointed out. As far as the fluff goes, it's actually kinda involved, since I created this thing to go with a campaign I'm running set on an isolated island. Said island has its own ecosystem (full of homebrews and obscure creatures), as well as a fair quantity of ruins from a sapient race I also homebrewed. The poisonskin crusher is one of their creations, built to guard the places they abandoned. Actually, the party is currently partway through exploring a ruined complex that has one of these in it, which will be their first (but far from last) encounter with the fluidic circuitry.

[waterpenguin43]

How does a construct only get +3? A Large-sized construct automatically gets +30.

Also, it's not half HD, it's half HD .5 and round down. So yes, if it was 1d10+1 the formula would be 1 x 5.5 + 1 = 6. Doesn't matter if you go 5.5 x 1 or 1 x 5.5.

In the instance of your entry however it is 9 x 5.5 or 5.5 x 9. Which is 49.5, round down to 49. Add 3 and it's 52 HP or, more correctly, add 30, for 79.5, rounding down to 79 hp.

Ah, thank you. I'm fairly new at this. (Only a few months:smalltongue:)

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Ah, thank you. I'm fairly new at this. (Only a few months:smalltongue:)
That's cool, ask any questions you like!

[Zexion]

I posted a monster which I think is pretty cool. Based on a suggestion for an incredibly awesome Titan I made for a guy's campaign a few days ago. This is MY idea, and I just worked out the stats, so... critiques please!

[NakedCelt]

Well, I also had an idea for a ketrakion starship/fortress which I would have liked to include (it would have been a dungeon map with lots of tailor-made psionic and force-weapon traps), but it was a bit too much work for the time available. What I've got will do, I guess.

Zexion, I take it Partik is for an insanely epic-level campaign. I'm not clear on all the rules -- does he count as a deity yet? Reading your description as written he has millions of Hit Dice, which I have a feeling is thousands of times as many as most Greater Gods get. And why doesn't he operate as a Swarm? The rules are there in the books, ready for use.

[BisectedBrioche]

Woah, the deadlines a-coming! *scrambles to finish*

[Zexion]

Zexion, I take it Partik is for an insanely epic-level campaign. I'm not clear on all the rules -- does he count as a deity yet? Reading your description as written he has millions of Hit Dice, which I have a feeling is thousands of times as many as most Greater Gods get. And why doesn't he operate as a Swarm? The rules are there in the books, ready for use.

Yes, Partik is for high epic. He doesn't operate as a Swarm because instead of having lots of small pieces, he has lots of really big pieces, and consequently would not function as a Swarm because of the scale involved. In fact, the DMG says that a Swarm is a collection of Fine, Diminutive, or Tiny creatures. Those rules are actually for the scale of the pieces of the swarm to the PCs, not the size. So, it wouldn't work. The only way to actually kill him is to find the crystal and break it.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Well, sent you a critique as I was able Zexion. Hopefully we can work something out with it by midnight so it won't be disqualified.

[BisectedBrioche]

The EMIT construct is now up.

[Admiral Squish]

Vorpal, do you have an archive of your contsests somewheres? I just realized I missed including my preener in my homebrew link.

[Sir Shadow]

The first post of this thread should have a list.

[Admiral Squish]

Surprisingly, I never even saw the first page before now.

[NakedCelt]

Whoa, two or three days to go (I'm not quite sure how the time zones line up, it's noon on Monday where I'm writing from) and the two leaders are still neck-and-neck. And no-one else has entered the race at all. I don't think this has ever happened before.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Hmm... I've never quite been one for homebrewing competitions, but gits and shiggles... very tempting... I may just try something.

[BisectedBrioche]

Hmm, come on Bisected, unleash your British wit on these foreiners...

...I've got nuffin'. :smallfrown:

Maybe if, in the finest tradition of British comedy I...oh....OH!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Expect my entry soon...:smallamused:

[DracoDei]

Well now! I pretty much HAVE to enter this contest, now don't I?
Unfortunately, I got nothing so far...



Hmm, come on Bisected, unleash your British wit on these foreiners...

...I've got nuffin'. :smallfrown:

Maybe if, in the finest tradition of British comedy I...oh....OH!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Expect my entry soon...:smallamused:

Undead parrot?

[BisectedBrioche]

Well now! I pretty much HAVE to enter this contest, now don't I?
Unfortunately, I got nothing so far...




Undead parrot?

Even more heavily ingrained than that.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Even more heavily ingrained than that.
Hmm, we already got Black Puddings...


Hmm... I've never quite been one for homebrewing competitions, but gits and shiggles... very tempting... I may just try something.
Please do

[BisectedBrioche]

I'll give you a hint; it's not something American comedians tend to be as willing to do, in my experience. The Japanese and Greeks both did something similar, but they used it out of necessity.

*gets back to work*

[The Dark Fiddler]

Please do

Aww... now I pretty much have to. :smalltongue:

[BisectedBrioche]

Well my entry's up. Enjoy the Silly Frocker.

[Bhu]

I so must do something for this...

[The Vorpal Tribble]

For those asking if the contest is still on, I suggest contacting Roland :smallamused:

[BisectedBrioche]

So...no one has any thoughts or feedback on my entry?

[Bhu]

I was amused :smallbiggrin:

[BisectedBrioche]

I was amused :smallbiggrin:

Thanks. :smallsmile:

[Admiral Squish]

For those asking if the contest is still on, I suggest contacting Roland :smallamused:

Closed? Oh no! I can totally think of...

Wait. WAAAAIT.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Closed? Oh no! I can totally think of...

Wait. WAAAAIT.
It would have worked too if not for you meddling kids!

[BisectedBrioche]

It would have worked too if not for you meddling kids!

Those damn goats ruin everything!

[waterpenguin43]

Those damn goats ruin everything!

I couldn't agree more!

[The Vorpal Tribble]

So...no one has any thoughts or feedback on my entry?
Silly in theme, but then Cloakers themselves are pretty ridiculous to begin. At least these aren't meant to be taken seriously. The cloaker needs to be mocked and this does a fine job of that.

Solid in build though. Only thing I found off on first go over was that it's moan DCs should be 18.

[Debihuman]

Okay, this contest is bringing me back to critiquing and editing because it's looking a lot more fun. However, I'm not going to try to critique epic creatures any more as they are just too time consuming. I'd also appreciate it if anyone else sees an error to pipe up. The better the monsters, the better the contest. It's open to newbies who often don't know all the rules so be kind.

Also, if you are intentionally changing a rule or breaking it: STATE it UP FRONT. Don't waste people's time (especially mine) who are looking at the rules only to be told that the creator "meant" to do that. That is one of my pet peeves and one of the reasons I was getting burn-out.

Debby

[BisectedBrioche]

Silly in theme, but then Cloakers themselves are pretty ridiculous to begin. At least these aren't meant to be taken seriously. The cloaker needs to be mocked and this does a fine job of that.

Solid in build though. Only thing I found off on first go over was that it's moan DCs should be 18.

Thanks, I started of with the idea of a monster which has something to do with a drag act. Then my mind went;

Clothing Monster? -> Cloakers -> Shapeshifting Cloakers -[why would they put people in drag?] -> Cloakers that need heat to survive -> Elemental Cloakers with shapeshifting powers

And everything fell into place. *fixes DCs*

[Zom B]

I thought of the cleverest play on words today: "Fly-By Knight." I'm afraid beyond a clever name, the monster wouldn't be very interesting, though.

[Bhu]

Bee-Holder has most of the fluff up and some of hte crunch. I should have it done soon (I lost my job again so I had to get another one today instead of doing forum stuffs).

[Debihuman]

Silly Frocker: Darkvision 60 ft. should be listed on the Special Qualities line.

Also, it isn't necessary to list the traits in a subheading since all the traits should be noted by Type and Subtype though it is handy because it saves time not having to look them up. However, the SRD is online. Really, the only thing you have to note is things that aren't in the SRD.

Debby

[BisectedBrioche]

Silly Frocker: Darkvision 60 ft. should be listed on the Special Qualities line.

Also, it isn't necessary to list the traits in a subheading since all the traits should be noted by Type and Subtype though it is handy because it saves time not having to look them up. However, the SRD is online. Really, the only thing you have to note is things that aren't in the SRD.

Debby

Thanks. Fixed.

[Bhu]

Bee-Holder almost done cept the CR and Lore (and the extra critters I added). The joke should be obvious now.

[Bhu]

In theory the Bee-Holder is done and ready for PEACHing

[Debihuman]

SKILLS

I'm doing this alphabetically so both the bee-holder and silly frocker will be discussed.

Bee-Holder is Humanoid so it gets skill points equal to (2 + Int modifier, minimum 1) per Hit Die, with quadruple skill points for the first Hit Die. With an Int 14, that gives it 32 skill points. It can have a max rank of 8 in any skill so it should have 4 skills at max rank. Skills that are Intelligence-based get a +2 bonus and skills that are Wisdom-based get a +4 bonus.

Here are your skills:

Skills: Appraise +6, Craft (any1) +6, Knowledge (Local, Geography, Nature) +6, Profession (Farmer, Beekeeper) +7, Survival +7

I'd recommend changing this to:

Skills: Craft (Distilling) +10, Knowledge (Local, Nature) +10, Profession (Beekeeper) +12

Silly Frocker: Aberrations also get skill points equal to (2 + Int modifier, minimum 1) per Hit Die, with quadruple skill points for the first Hit Die. The silly frocker has an Int of 14 as well, so it has 44 skills points to work with and can have a maximum of 11 ranks in any skill.

Here are your skills:

Skills: Hide +11, Listen +13, Move Silently +11, Spot +13.

I think you reversed the Dex and Wisdom bonuses or something. Dex bonus is +2, Wisdom bonus is +1.

It should be:

Skills: Hide +13, Listen +12, Move Silently +13, Spot +12.

Debby

[DracoDei]

Ok I am a bit slow off the mark here, but I have two ideas now.

The first is a giant scorpion with duck heads instead of claws, and a wood-chuck head instead of a stinger on the end of its tail. The duck heads have quacks that imitate Shout and each quack may be fired seperately, with a separate 1d4 recharge time, even if they are both used in the same round. The tail is used to hold prey (improved grab, and no penalty for only using the woodchuck head to maintain the grapple) to disallow a reflex save against the quack(s). The woodchuck saliva is also a charisma poison that (ironically enough) causes its victims to become more and more logical and humorless until (at 0 charisma) they ponder the implications of everything they observe so much that they no longer actually ever get around to taking any action.

The second is a bear with the upper body of smaller bears for forelimbs, and the whole pattern repeated ad-infinitium in a fractal patern... illustration HERE (http://buttonsformouse.blogspot.com/2008/12/mandelbrot-fractal-bear.html). Might even do it as a cloth golum...
Reproduced below for convenience:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mCRJiHzSkv0/SVV2jqEWPDI/AAAAAAAAACU/aSFu7firss0/s400/mandelbrot.jpg


Which would people rather see?

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Omgafractalbeariwantonenow :smalleek:

[DracoDei]

Omgafractalbeariwantonenow :smalleek:

I do believe that the page in question indicates that due to the amount of interest, they are now availible for purchase (perhaps on commision)...

Also, the Scorpuck-chuck would have a fur-bearing, endo-skeletal body, not exoskeletal...

But should I put your vote down for the fractal brown bear Vorpal Tribble? Or is it just the plushie you want, and are indifferent to what I stat out for my entry?

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Yeah, Fractalbear for me.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

Y'know, wondering if these contests shouldn't be moved to the 'Roleplaying Games' section. Couple or three contests going on over there and dozens join in. Over here a single dozen is impressive.

[Zom B]

Posted the preliminaries for the In-F-able Horror today. Will continue to plug in numbers as soon as I remember how to mix natural attacks with weapon attacks.

If anyone wants to help, the bite attack should be the primary.