One letter makes all the difference...

[Flickerdart]

I was reading some materials, and accidentally mis-read "calm emotions" as "clam emotions", which, understandably, is rather more amusing than the original spell. Some other example I remember from somewhere is the "Wall of Dog" which would only be useful for the bag o' puppies/great cleave trick.

So. With that inspiration, what spells/feats/class features are made much more hilarious by the tiniest alterations made in their names?

[Kurald Galain]

Trap the Sole?

[RandomLunatic]

Bonus Feet.

Powder Attack.

[Animefunkmaster]

fireballs (I am very immature).

[Morty]

Filewall. Creates a huge wall made out of drawers full of files.

[Iku Rex]

Evard's Black Hentacles

[Efil]

Mook. Explains a lot of things.

[kladams707]

Filewall

great, now all I can think about if filestorm and fileshield

I could just imagine a bunburst.

or how about "crap sense +1"

[Morty]

great, now all I can think about if filestorm and fileshield


What about Fileball?

[RTGoodman]

I'm pretty partial to the beets of striding and springing, bracers of lechery, and the spell meatier swarm (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/Incentives.html). :smallbiggrin:

[Fax Celestis]

Nailed to the fly?

[kamikasei]

Nunbeam.lalalala

[kladams707]

rearing light.

[Assassin89]

Prismatic fall

[kladams707]

Antiwife shell

Stinking Clod (conjures Alfred E. Neuman)

[Fax Celestis]

Popular with the ladies: Fharlonghn.

[woodenbandman]

Death Salad... I was just reading the MM and I thought I read that... Yeah. That campaign died as a result.

[Egiam]

mime stop, cause beer (its a strech)

[Collin152]

I swear I read this once: Strum of Vengeance.
I thought it was a Bard spell...

[Keld Denar]

Punburst? nyuk nyuk nyuk!

[Oslecamo]

Boots of elven skin.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

Alter Serf -- changes the appearance of a single peasant.
Animate Dean -- instills the semblance of life into a single college official.
Arcane Dock -- creates a magical place to tie your boat.

[Learnedguy]

Rouge. Nuff said

[Collin152]

Animate Dean -- instills the semblance of life into a single college official.


Does it use alcohol as a material componant?

[Artanis]

Tarp the Soul

[Flame of Anor]

Spells:

Feather Wall: Creates a wall of feathers. Each 10-ft section has 0 hardness and 1 hp. Any wind or breeze disperses it in one round.

Cone of Mold: Any food in the area of this cone is instantly made inedible. Artifacts are immune.

Death Nell: Conjures up Dudley Do-Right's girlfriend, who goes on a killing spree.

Summon Warm: Creates magical hand-warmers. They give you +1 bonus to resist the effects of cold weather.

Bigby's Posing Band: The Beatles appear and show off.

Hill Touch: You gain +30 on your next touch attack against any terrain feature.

Lighting Bolt: Conjures a threaded fastener that steadily glows with the brightness of a candle.

Molar Ray: A beam of teeth shoots at your foe for 1d6/level slashing damage.

Schismatic Spray: Target: one church. This church divides into factions.

Lice Storm: 'Nuff said.

[Mercenary Pen]

Sneak with animals
Smell Immunity
Scone Shape

[Berserk Monk]

Dwarven Defendant

[Collin152]

Spells:
Schismatic Spray: Target: one church. This church divides into factions.


I like that one. A lot.

[Curmudgeon]

Gaseous Farm, for all those flatulent cows.

[RukiTanuki]

Feather Fail.

[Vexxation]

Prismatic fall

That one sounds almost plausible. Fall is after all one of the more vibrant and colorful seasons.

[Dogmantra]

Stunning list: the ability to organise and write really good lists.
Improved unarmed pike: A feat that grants you a slightly better fish with no weapons.

[Mercenary Pen]

Wail of Ice
Spade Barrier

[Fax Celestis]

Wired.

Flan Strike.

[Dogmantra]

Protection from Lawyers: Also functions as protection from evil
Protection from Chaps: No leather riding-trousers for you!
Refute Undead: Yeah, tell them why they're wrong!
Chart Monster: Graphs don't always help...
Fold Person: Useful for getting the party rogue through keyholes

[Mercenary Pen]

Gold Monster- now we have an absolute conversion ratio from monster into treasure.

[Assassin89]

irresistible dunce: dumb yet so lovable
protection from food: I guess I'm not allowed to eat then

[Mercenary Pen]

Godberry- because druids can take fruit from deities and get away with it.

[Dogmantra]

Minor/Major Relation: Teleport a mother-in-law to you.

[Collin152]

Godberry- because druids can take fruit from deities and get away with it.

Godberry! King of the Juice!

[Dogmantra]

Lime Stop: Citrus Fruits can't harm you now.

[Roderick_BR]

ESPN - reads the mind of a sports talkshow hoster.

[Mercenary Pen]

Deep Plumber

[Flame of Anor]

Dish: This is the mightiest kitchen utensil that a wizard or sorcerer can have. By merely washing it, he alters the caked-on grime to better suit him.

[Ravens_cry]

Miner Creation - Creates a dirty man with aht with a candle on it and a pickaxe.
Buff Check -Tells you if your in your birthday suit or not.
Painter Ally Summons an outsider who then proceeds to cover everything with variegated tints of whitewash.
True Peeing Allows you to go number one, very ,very, well.
Detect Flaw Rates the targets attractiveness in the most pessimistic terms.

[Mercenary Pen]

Claire audience- you are watched by hundreds- if not thousands- of women, all of them called Claire.

[martyboy74]

Count: Allows caster to count to 2*caster level.

Good Dope: Provides the caster with 1d10 pounds of high-quality dope.

Awl's Wisdom: Gives the target the wisdom of a tool.

Power Word: Bill: Only castable by Lawyers.

Spay Living: Guess.

Curse Waiter: Fail to give a tip.

[Fax Celestis]

Power Word: Kill Bill: turns the caster into a nameless yellow-suited katana-wielding human female killing machine.

[Assassin89]

speak with deed: current task answers one question
speak with bead: little spherical object answers one question

[esorscher]

Create Vater - suddenly, all those German orphans have a daddy again.

Shield Mother - Target's mother is immune to stepping-on-crack related back injuries.

Inflict Moderator Wounds - Instantly end prolonged political debates.

Make Whore - 'nuff said.

[Fax Celestis]

Maize - banish your target to a field of corn.

[Worira]

Divine Flavor
Protection From God
Less Weapon
Fry
Overland Fright
Lay Living

[Mercenary Pen]

Ham
Power Word Blink
Produce Lame
Programmed Mage
Telepathic Band
Tray of Enfeeblement
Manic Missile

[martyboy74]

Protection From God


Who casts that one? Clerics?

[Zeful]

Lay Living

Bard Spell I take it?

[AmberVael]

Cone of Cold, Cone of Old: Fear the dentures.
Animate Rope, Animate Dope: ...there are many ways to take this. I prefer to think of it as getting that darn couch potato up.
Blur, Blue: Fear the power of color!
Tiny Hut, Tiny Hug: As if wizards would exert the effort to put their arms around someone. Whether this is telekinetic force, or summons a midget to hug for them is up to the caster.
Halt Undead, Half Undead, either this partially makes someone undead, chops undead in half, or makes undead have lower calories. Take your pick.
Mind Fog, Mind Frog, You know how some people get a frog in their throat? Imagine getting a frog in your brain. A weirder and more effective form of Mind Fog, in my opinion.

[Mercenary Pen]

Protection from Gold- Darned clerics with vow of poverty.

[Flickerdart]

Who casts that one? Clerics?
Ur-Priests, when the gods get suspicious, and before the legion of Paladins crests the hill. According to that thread we had on them, this would take about 3 seconds, so scrolls of these would come with the PrC automatically.

[Fax Celestis]

Summon Muenster I-IX. Mmm. Cheese.

[Vexxation]

Summon Natures Alloy- You summon a naturally occuri- wait...

[Mercenary Pen]

Magic Slang
Rice Storm
Bigby's Rasping Hand- It speaks to you, fear the hand with the gravelly voice
Cull Lightning
Crone- creates the body of an elderly woman for your soul to inhabit when you die.
Creeping Loom
Defect Magic
Discern Flies
Disguise Elf- but your entire party is human.
Divine Tower
Endure Elephants
Singer of Death
Flesh to Scone
Fig Cloud

[Dogmantra]

Stage Hand - Summon a sprightly teenage lad to do some work in a theatre.

[Thurbane]

Acid Frog - lick the toad, get high
Bibgy's Clenched Fish - target is slapped with a really taut trout
Dancing Wights - watch the undead caper and prance
Death Wart - gain a skin blemish that can kill at 10 paces
Detect Crying - know when anyone within range is having a sob
Divine Flavor - mmm, so yummy
Explosive Prunes - oh man, I need to get to the privvy, fast!
False Wife - handy for social situations
Fire Crap - variant of Explosive Prunes. Material component - vindaloo
Flame Shrike - target is attacked by a blazing butcher bird
Flesh to Stove - target must save or be polymorphed into an oven
Ironwool - give your sheep DR/adamantine
Larkskin - target is covered in feathers
Lightning Dolt - increase the base speed of those with low Int
Obscuring Fist - pow! They never saw it coming
Pass Without Grace - lowers Dex
Pear's Endurance - target gains the stamina of a piece of fruit
Phantasmal Miller - wow, that farmer sure seemed real
Power Word Stud - hello ladies!
Produce Blame - it wasn't me, it was him!
Remove Purse - +20 to Sleight of Hand checks
Tasha's Hideous Daughter - summons an unattractive peasant girl
Tree Shave - trust me Treebeard, as close as a blade or your money back
Trusting Grasp - aka corporate handshake

[Ellisthion]

Oh my... this thread has me in tears! My girlfriend's threatening to kick me out of the room if I don't stop laughing while she's watching TV...

[Fax Celestis]

Vampires get a spam attack?

[Assassin89]

Summon Nurture's ally I-IX someone's mother is calling

[Project_Mayhem]

Skimming my spell list:

Acid Slash: A humiliating form of attack
Animal Shaves: makes animals bald
Animate Pants: cures erectile disfunction
Bestow Nurse: creates one Nurse
Slade Barrier: Protection from Noddy Holder
Cause Bear: Specialised summon animal
Continual Flames: Creates Monk thread
Haze Monster: Paddles strike target for nonlethal, but painful, damage
Detect Wood: Locates the effects of Animate Pants

thats as many as I can be bothered to do right now

[Dogmantra]

True Pike: similar to improved unarmed pike, this gives you a fish which will never lie.

[ShadowFighter15]

Explosive Dunes: Will cause all sand-dunes within 20' of target to violently explode (Always a laugh at beach parties)
Kilgore's Fire Colt: Summons a flaming horse.

[Assassin89]

Remove Bear: Colbert's favorite spell
Magic Stove: summons an oven
Mage hind: attack from the rear
Scorching Day: today is hot
Scorching Bay: The water is boiling
chatter: blah, blah, blah

[KIDS]

Antiwife shell totally rocked. Respect :) p.s. Make Whore too :)

Anyone mentioned "Magic Circle Against Devil" yet?

Also:

False Wife
Magic Bang
Slap Living

[AppleChips]

Illusory Wail: Creates a false crying sound.
Mind Bank: Creates a storage place for minds.
Overland Slight: You manage to pick pockets while walking.
Pollymorph: Transforms subject into Polly, or a parrot.
Wall of Nice: Creatures attempting to enter this space are treated well.
Sheep: Puts 4 HD of creatures into magical wool-producing livestock.
Unsee Servant: Forget you saw the servant, or other lowly commoner.
Mage Armoire: An invisible but tangible field of clothing-storage surrounds the subject, giving +4 to AC. (Watch out! The bottom is particle-board!)
Secret Paige: Get a secret helper. Knights only!
Keen Sedge: Doubles lawn-grass' threat range.
Taste: One creature/level can detect tastes with their tongue.
Daynight: Causes an oxymoron.
Halt Unfed: Causes those who haven't eaten to stop.
Remove Purse: Nice alternative to pick-pocketing.
Gaseous Dorm: Creates a college apartment out of air.
Limited Fish: Creates fish, within spell limits.

[Thurbane]

Summon Natures Alloy- You summon a naturally occuri- wait...
Actually, there are naturally occurring alloys - electrum (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrum) is an example.

[Vexxation]

Actually, there are naturally occurring alloys - electrum (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrum) is an example.

I thought perhaps there might be, but I left it for the sake of the silliness.

[AppleChips]

Antipath: Repels all trails.
Transmute Mad to Rock: Turns all angry feelings into stone.
Scree: Causes flocks of annoying bats to begin pestering the subject.
Soul Find: One free yoga class!
Ream: Sends package of paper to anyone sleeping.
Tire Shield: All attacks directed towards you flatten tires instead.
Flame barrow: Causes Wheelbarrow to incinerate contents.
Taze Monster: Yeah.
Speak with Pants: Allows all kinds of interesting conversations with pants.
Repel wood: Forces men and accompanying parts away.
Raze monster: Summons the necessary demolition crew and starts working.

[Ravens_cry]

Actually, there are naturally occurring alloys - electrum (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrum) is an example.
I was going to say that when I opened this page.
Damn Ninja's!:smallfurious: (:smallwink:)
Awaruite (http://www.mindat.org/min-439.html) is another.

Antiwife shell Provides protection from the wrath of a legally entwined significant other.
Greater Stout Upon a call exclaiming the name of the god of publicans, a large glass mug with a dark ale within is summoned.
Caution: Too many uses before ones returning homeward may then require the use of the Antiwife shell.

[Cheesegear]

Tasha's Hideous Slaughter - I guess it summons a balor.

Summon Munster - Summons Herman Munster to fight for you.

Cat's Face - Gain 1d6 Cuteness points, and the ability to hear a can opener from outside.

Crushing Repair - Summons a Barbarian to 'fix your problem'.

Prismatic Beer - You only have one. Enjoy!

Bender's Transformation - Turn into a sass-talkin' warforged.
Might also immediately switch the gender of the caster.

Panzer's Transformation - Polymorph into a tank.

Antisocial Shell - 'Nuff said.

Melf's Acid Apple - Fun at parties.

Gust of Wind - ...Eww.

[shadow_archmagi]

Lack Tentacles (Solves all cthulu related problems!)
Fire Rap (When used by elderly white men, is far more deadly than fire trap)
Fog Loud
Blinking Cloud
Symbol of Geekness
Symbol of Rear

[Flickerdart]

Power Word: Fill. Target stein or mug that is less than one third-full becomes filled.
Power Word: Kilt.
Tenser's Floating... (http://www.geekologie.com/2008/05/rc_helicockter_interrupts_russ.php)on second thought, let's not go there.

[RandomNPC]

Tasha's Hideous Slaughter - I guess it summons a balor.

a funny balor

[Thurbane]

Tenser's Floating... (http://www.geekologie.com/2008/05/rc_helicockter_interrupts_russ.php)on second thought, let's not go there.
Indeed...there's was quite a few I initially thought of that I was hesitant to post here. Some stuff should be saved for the BoEF, I guess... :smallbiggrin:

[Grail]

The Tome of Bottle, Book of Wine Swards

[Recaiden]

Prismatic stray - Summons a rainbow colored homeless animal, usually a dog.
Cat's Trace - You footprints are shaped like a cat's paws, and if tracked by scent, you appear to be a cat

[Waspinator]

I was reading some materials, and accidentally mis-read "calm emotions" as "clam emotions", which, understandably, is rather more amusing than the original spell.

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/9158/040514gk1.jpg

[Berserk Monk]

Plaidadin (as in plaid+paladin) That be some interesting armor

[Neek]

Animate Pope - HE'S ALIVE. ALIVE, I TELLS YOU. <leaves midnight mass>
Purify Walter - He's quite dirty y'know.
Feeblerind - TAKE THAT YOU DASTARDLY ORANGE
Inflict Major Pounds - Fatty fatty two-by-four, fatty can't get through the kitchen door.
Passfall - You pass. You fall.
Stoned Shape - I finally got it! Scooby. DOOBIE. DOOOO!
Bestow Purse - She'll love it.
Miss Direction - Give her the purse for directions.

[AslanCross]

Shock and Aww -- By conjuring a cute animal, you reduce flat-footed target's initiative count.
Holey Transformation -- Gaping holes appear in the target, dealing horrific damage.
Transmute Rock to Java -- You transform solid rock into strong, black coffee.

[Hecore]

Animate Dean -- instills the semblance of life into a single college official.
Does it use alcohol as a material componant?


Damn you!

Animate Dean
Transmutation
Level: Brd 2
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: Humanoid touched
Duration: 4 hours
Saving Throw: Will negates (harmless)
Spell Resistance: Yes

With a friendly pat on the back, you grant a semblance of life to a formerly inert subject. They become jocular and animated, gaining a +4 morale bonus to Charisma, adding the usual benefits to Charisma-based skill checks and other uses of the Charisma modifier. In addition, the subject is granted a +10 insight bonus to Diplomacy, Bluff, and Perform (Speech, long-winded).

This spell was originally designed to grant headmasters the ability to collect donations during parties and luncheons. As such, it only functions if the target is the administrator of a school with fifty or more students.

Material Component
One ounce of hard liquor imbibed during casting. This does not cause intoxication when used to cast this spell.

[obvious pun]

Telekinetic bear- Creates flying bears that control your movement
Mind bank- where mind flayers store leftovers
Finger of theft- steal stuff
Arcane fight- over in less than 1 round
Shocking gasp- makes people think the thing you just said was shocking
Lame arrow- doesn't hang out with cool arrows
Stout, greater- what dwarves consume in massive quantities
Stay living- causes homicidal computer to sing
Limited fish- as fish, but you get bored and go home after an hour or so
Antipant shell- keeps pants off of creatures in affected area
Moment of science- summons 50 cubic feet of anti osmium
Think item- subject starts thinking about chosen item
Fox's shunning- you are disliked by foxes
Box's cunning- gives you intelligence of cardboard
Foodberry- it's edible
Zeroes' feast- creates food fit for losers
Protection from barrows- DR10/ anything but wheelbarrows
Raise head- you look upwards
Cure right wounds- as opposed to the wrong ones

[Thrud]

Prismatic Spay - important for your pets, and with a colorful lightshow!

Wall of Lice - Eww

Leomund's secure smelter - For when you are afraid someone might find your store of metal

Power word Till - Useful for farmers

Power word Bind - great fun at those kinky parties

Transmute Roc to mud - very limited effectiveness, but if you don't have it then that one time your elephant is carried off by one you are going to be pissed.

Summon Punster - damn they are annoying. (O.K. it's 2 letters, so sue me.)

Prismatic Ball - Fun for the kids

Stunlight - Knock em out with your brilliance

Death Smell - Man that stinks

Tasha's hideous Slaughter - Hmm, that one works. . .

Detect Pie - Great when you have the munchies.

[Grail]

I wear Plate Snail, wields a Heavy Mice and carries a Smell Shield
??

The Annis Hog and Bigbear are guarding a Ring of Water Wanking

[AslanCross]

Symbol of Heath: For summoning a particular actor.
Symbol of Shell Loss: Good for shucking oysters.
Stuck: Affixed an object to another, but not anymore.

[Project_Mayhem]

a Ring of Water Wanking

Win. I'm not going to describe what I envision this item doing, but I think it should be a very convenient contraceptive.

[AppleChips]

Tasha's Hideous Daughter: Speaks for itself.
Leomund's Secret Chess
Imbue with Smell Ability
Heroes' Fast: You bring forth a great lack of food.
Glyph of Wording: This powerful inscription starts making words.
Good Dope: Yeah
Date: Creating a date has two effects. First, it creates an interdimensional connection from your gender to the other...
Forecape: Brings into being an invisible cape.
Dire seeds: Turns acorns into hostile, dangerous creature.
Energy Train
eRace: Race over the internets!
Divine Mower
Discern Flies

Grue Resurrection!

[Asheram]

Protection against Hood: Protects against any creature with the "gangsta" subtype and the confusement effect of rap

[KIDS]

Enlarge Person, Miss - you try to enlarge all people but you miss
Find Craps - I guess most parents involved with a young baby have to deal with this one
Acid Marrow - A doctor injects your marrow with acid instead of the transplant
Less Weapon - your weapon is reduced in size
Flash to stone - if only digital photos worked like this
Spice Growth - a ton of cinnamon acts as difficult terrain

PG something:
Shadow Wank - yeah, that better stay unseen...

[Keld Denar]

Crass Suggestion (usually followed by a Shocking Gasp)
Paleful Transposition - Swap location with target goth chick
Solid Frog - As opposed to gaseous?
Stinking Clod
Magic Missal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missal)

[Dogmantra]

Tragic Missile

[Kurald Galain]

Protection against Hood

On the same note, Protection From Weevil!

[Ellisthion]

Massage: Great cantrip for after a tough fight.
Control Whether: Modify the result of one true or false question.
Shield of Raw: Protects against house rules.

Not so much a typo, but a standard joke in my gaming group is:
Magic Rissole

[Athaniar]

I apologize if some of these have already been taken.

Analyze Éomer - Useful for gathering information on horselords.
Beer's Endurance - Mmmm, beer...
Blade Carrier - If you haven't got the strength yourself.
Less - ...is more?
Less Water - Drought?
Less Weapon - Good for pacifists.
Beak Enchantment - If you feel the need to enchant a bird.
Burning Wands - Take that, you cowardly wand-user!
Cat's Mace - Meow! *smash*
Command Pants - A decent party trick.
Corn of Cold - Frozen, but still delicious.
Continual Fame - An improved version of Eagle's Splendour.
Deep Lumber - Summons a profound treant.
Detect Animals or Pants - Works extra well on animals with pants.
Detect Crying - If you want to find someone affected by Crushing Despair.
Diminish Pants - What's with all these pant spells, anyway?
Discern Vocation - Finds out someone's class.
Gaseous Worm - Summons an intangiable purple worm.
Geese/Quest - Which do you prefer?
Lesser Geese - The smaller kind.
Hallucinatory Terran - Still better than the Hallucinatory Zerg.
Tragic Circle against Laugh - I know it doesn't fit, I just couldn't resist it.
Mind Bank - Store your intelligence.
Minor Mage - He's just a level 3 sorcerer.
Obscuring Fist - Another one of Bigby's spells, I suppose.
Planar Grinding - Just another 70 gold for epic flying...
Pant Growth - I prefer it to the Diminish one.
Produce Frame - Goes with Produce Photograph.
Protection from Flaw - The #1 spell for any self-respecting munchkin.
Bread Magic - Or Psomimancy, if you prefer greek.
Remove Pear - If you prefer apples.
Sea Invisiblity - To hide from those sahuagin.
Speak with Pants - Tired of these yet?
Unholy Bright - It's evil, but it's shiny!
Warp Food - If your food isn't crazy enough.

[dspeyer]

Tome of Battle need to be included here. These are some 1st level maneuvers and stances:

Burning Blame: Criticize effectively
Mind Stride: Telepathically possess target
Moment of Perfect Wind: Handy for sailors
Stance of Charity: You can give away money as a free action
Chill of Shadow: Target object becomes moderately colder (no effect on white objects)
Brood in the Water: Depressing *and* wet
Sudden Lean: Dodge bonus to AC while sitting
Leading the Change: Inspire political reforms

[LibraryOgre]

Herpes Feast.

[horseboy]

Mind Fog, Mind Frog, You know how some people get a frog in their throat? Imagine getting a frog in your brain.It makes you think you're French?

[Dire_E_Coyote]

Ford of Recall
Ethereal Aunt
Ewebite
Tim Stop
..and..
Shatner -- The current version grants a bonus to bluff and diplomacy checks. An earlier version of this spell allowed you to leap onto and grapple an opponent's mount while it was moving by. A still earlier version allowed you to talk golems to death and gave a bonus to seduction attempts.

[MickJay]

Word of Power: Pie - creates a snack
Dime Stop - target suddenly has problems with obtaining change
Knack - instead of opening something, you're more clever
Raze - alternative to trapping someone
Improved Waste - the kind which you want to get rid of really fast
many fire spells become Lame

[AslanCross]

Produce Lame: Make target uncomfortable with your inferior preferences.
Acid Frog: Synthesize hallucinogenic poisons from a frog.
Hellow: A persistent magical force greets all those who enter its area.
Dorkvision: See through the stupidity of others.
Rary's Telepathic Band: Remotely experience music from a target group of troubadours.
Raise Dad: Restore a deceased paternal figure to life. Preferred by most over Animate Dad.
Flambe Strike: A favorite spell of the Culinary Cleric prestige class.

[Burley]

This is all I got that hasn't been said:

Banshee Fail.

[Telonius]

Bigby's Brushing Hand - little known fact: he started his career as a hair stylist.
Helping Hang - when your executioner never put any ranks in Use Rope.
Protect Image - for whenever you do something embarrassing.
Lesser Peas - when you need a snack.
Eat Metal - when you're really starving.

[Thurbane]

I used to have a book of 1E character sheets that said inside the cover "See Players Handcook". I always had a mental image of a DM forcing a players hand over an open flame on the oven... :smallbiggrin:

[Thrud]

Heh, no one has yet mentioned that most useful of all spells, the 9th level spell that will put a stop to those most insidious of evil creatures.

Mime stop

:smallbiggrin:

Edit - Now I feel dumb. That one was done all the way back at the beginning. I still like it though.

[Assassin89]

Feats:

Craft Cod: Make a fish
Wombat Expertise: know everything about the Australian marsupial
Stunning Fish: a foe damaged by a strike with a trout must make a fortitude save
Towel Shield Proficiency: you can use a piece of cloth to defend yourself without penalties
Empower Smell: Overwhelms the senses of your foes
Great Leave: Depart as soon as possible.

[Occasional Sage]

An old issue of Dragon magazine (from the late eighties?) had an article (ftp://gnjilux.cc.fer.hr/pub/ad&d/dragon/www.wizards.com/dragon/backissues/156apr90/156YetEvenMore.txt) listing a number of items in this style. The formatting of this site's transcription sucks, but the items (especially the Ring of Hunan Influence) rock.