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Ponce
2009-01-05, 12:22 PM
You have what they want. What they NEED. What they are willing to travel to the ends of the world over, beat back demonic hordes, sacrifice life and limb... You can dispense sidequest experience points. You have the all too holy quest item. You know where the coveted Noun of Proper Noun is hidden.

You are an NPC.

What do you do? Do you send the PCs on endless fetch quests? Do you neglect to mention the template-ridden baddie guarding their precious quest artifact? Do you form up some rabble to run them out of town? Are you the town sheriff, with your watchful eye on these new tumbleweeds that have come rolling into YOUR town? The local cleric all too happy to patch them up for a modest donation? Or did you just lift their purses?

Me? I'd try to establish a local monopoly on discout Identify castings.

What about the rest of you? What would the campaign notes say about you?

Hal
2009-01-05, 12:34 PM
"Great adventurers, your presence is most welcome, as I have need of your services. To the north lies a vast temple filled with bountiful treasure. You must go to the Temple of Walmart, as it is known, and retrieve for me a tube. You will know which it is, for it will be labeled 'Colgate.' Be warned, for the dreaded sect of Cashiers guard the exits, demanding you forfeit your gold in order to leave with the artifacts. Do this for me, and you will be rewarded with $5."

Athaniar
2009-01-05, 01:06 PM
Relevant comic. (http://www.darklegacycomics.com/140.html)

Another_Poet
2009-01-05, 01:12 PM
I would wear a tunic with "Loyalty Rating: High!" emblazoned on the front, and carry a banner that reads "Not a Traitor!" in huge letters. Additionally I'd hire a porter to stand beside me with an " <- I'm with Loyal " tunic.

FMArthur
2009-01-05, 01:42 PM
I would give out dangerous missions for a fee. They do it for entertainment, gain oh-so-valuable XP, and have great adventures. So I will charge them to go on quests for me. It's not like they won't find loot on the quest. C'mon, they want to go on adventures more than I need them to.

Waspinator
2009-01-05, 05:13 PM
Eastmost peninsula is the secret!

....


*Sigh*

Times are tough.

SurlySeraph
2009-01-05, 06:23 PM
I stay out of their way. Especially when they´re in the tavern.

Arachu
2009-01-05, 06:49 PM
I would charge newbies 100g to cast low-level spells. Sounds like a bargain, doesn't it? -snicker-

Hey, I'll cast Cure Light Wounds on you, free of charge. I just need a... Nominal hazard fee :smallamused:

MammonAzrael
2009-01-05, 07:18 PM
I'd set up a Magic Item Wal-MartTM. Because somehow, those places either never get robbed/looted, or their owners are DM-crazy strong.

Falconer
2009-01-05, 07:30 PM
I would be the BBEG, of course. Innumerable hordes of mooks who'll do whatever you say, a massive amount of class levels, an evil lair, AND evil laughter and monologueing? Sign me up...:smallsmile:

Assassin89
2009-01-05, 07:35 PM
Require the PCs to dance for the item. Better if it is this particular dance (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=UX6e7sO1ss0&feature=related)

SoD
2009-01-05, 07:42 PM
An NPC, ya say? I'd be that epic level N commoner/hexblade 3/rogue 2. Roghly 30th level, with vow of poverty/peace/nonviolence. The guy who knows everybody in the metropolis.

Blue Ghost
2009-01-05, 07:47 PM
I would allow the PC wizard to copy from my vast library of spellbooks. For a price, of course.

chiasaur11
2009-01-05, 07:58 PM
I'd make up insane rumors and charge the PCs for them.

And then hint I knew the location of a treasure, but didn't write it down, so they wouldn't kill me afterwards. And tell them it was in a location I knew a Red Dragon lived at.

Rei_Jin
2009-01-05, 07:58 PM
I'm the NPC that is employed as the Level N+7 (where N is the maximum level of the PCs) foil to the PCs for when they decide to overstep their boundaries and try to take over the town/kill the benevolent king/not do the quest/anything else that upsets the DM

Kris Strife
2009-01-05, 08:29 PM
Dispense either wise, but generally useless advice or completely nonsensical things, trying to convince the PCs my ramblings have some hidden meaning.

Or get one of my friends and pretend to have a meaningful conversation repeating the same lines to each other.

MickJay
2009-01-05, 09:13 PM
I'd always charge full price for the items and services I sell, even if the PCs were about to defend my city against some attack. If they're such heroes, they can fight with that +1 stuff and after they'll get reward for winning, they'll appreciate all the +2 and +3 things they can finally afford even more.

chiasaur11
2009-01-05, 09:47 PM
I'd always charge full price for the items and services I sell, even if the PCs were about to defend my city against some attack. If they're such heroes, they can fight with that +1 stuff and after they'll get reward for winning, they'll appreciate all the +2 and +3 things they can finally afford even more.

Or they kill you.

Some PCs would do that.

MickJay
2009-01-05, 11:10 PM
I have the "rocks fall" insurance. :smallbiggrin:

Berserk Monk
2009-01-05, 11:13 PM
I'd immediately tell the PCs my name and background. I'm not turning into a nameless NPC that dies five minutes and is forgotten. None of my shirts are red.

GolemsVoice
2009-01-05, 11:22 PM
Well, since you're effectively living out some people's fantasy, I would make myself dear to the players, for on their whim I live, and, more important, I die.
So, I wouldn't annoy my benefactors with stupid dialogue, random, annoying quirks, or a dangerous location. Even if they would never kill me outright, they ARE the ones supposed to rescue people and save towns, and I don't want them chasing after some random maiden in peril when the dragon decides he's hungry.

BobVosh
2009-01-05, 11:39 PM
If I was the identify-bot wizard npc I would have a resetting grease trap everywhere. Cuz its funny.

Also I would scry returning sorcerers & other such high charisma, and sell nudey illusions to the townfolks.

edcalaban
2009-01-05, 11:45 PM
Same thing I did in a game of Risus: sell various items adventurers want/need (all cursed/poisoned creatively if possible), then inform bandits when the adventurers are on the way, repurchase the equipment for cheap, continue.

Everyone wins!

Assassin89
2009-01-05, 11:59 PM
Be as helpful to the PCs as possible so that the world doesn't end.

Deepblue706
2009-01-06, 12:15 AM
I'd help the PCs with anything that doesn't involve any of the following:

1) Leaving town
2) Going into basements, alleys, or other dark and secluded areas
3) Fighting things
4) Meeting them in taverns
5) Buying things from them
6) Letting them into my house
7) Letting them near my things

FMArthur
2009-01-06, 12:38 AM
Invent magic items! PCs have very strict limitations on what they can make. NPCs are for some reason totally unrestricted by those limitations and frequently make unique magic items.

chiasaur11
2009-01-06, 01:25 AM
Having unexplained invulnerability is popular too.

I am totally doing that.

MickJay
2009-01-06, 07:42 AM
Having unexplained invulnerability is popular too.

I am totally doing that.

Ah, you must have the coveted status of a key NPC, good show.

Also, if I met PCs at the beginning of their adventure, I'd give them a few simple tasks (paint a house, fertilize a field with manure, clean the privy) so they would be able to gain some money for basic equipment. If they ever come back, I'd treat them in exactly the same way, regardless of their new wealth and status (extra points for convincing them that the insulting behaviour is unintentional).

Mercenary Pen
2009-01-06, 08:16 AM
I'd be the guy with the splash of rogue going around setting all the plot-hook traps.

I'd also impersonate the PC's skill-monkey and start a lot of fights in the local taverns.

Roderick_BR
2009-01-06, 08:35 AM
I'd own an inn, and would be rich charging gold coins for drinks that costs a few cooper pieces, since most adventurers, especially ones used to videogames, thinks that gold pieces if the most basic monetary currency in D&D games.
I'd also be one of those unkillable NPCs, because I don't have a damage system/HP/have a lazy DM, and my inn would be indestructible for the same reason. (of course, plot-related destruction/death are still there... but whatever)

Starscream
2009-01-06, 10:01 AM
I would get together about twenty of my friends and we'd stand around various places in town, refusing to say anything but "Welcome to Corneria" when spoken to.

It'd be fun to see how long it would take to drive the PCs completely insane.

Eorran
2009-01-06, 12:08 PM
I would wear a tunic with "Loyalty Rating: High!" emblazoned on the front, and carry a banner that reads "Not a Traitor!" in huge letters. Additionally I'd hire a porter to stand beside me with an " <- I'm with Loyal " tunic.

The people I DM for would kill you immediately. Anyone who seems that innocent must be guilty. Your porter would be next.

I'd like to be the nemesis. Not the BBEG, but the highly competent, often solo adventurer who's always a bit higher level than the party, and shows up whenever he's needed to make a bad situation worse. He usually dies eventually, but in the meantime, he has a lot of fun.

Another_Poet
2009-01-06, 01:09 PM
The people I DM for would kill you immediately. Anyone who seems that innocent must be guilty. Your porter would be next.

Nah, I'm way too obvious. It's such an obvious subterfuge, there has to be something more... surely I wouldn't just carry a "Not a traitor" banner and then turn out to be a traitor.

Paranoia is the key to NPC survival. It helps if the PC's haven't yet learned to ignore the party paladin, too.

Another_Poet
2009-01-06, 01:10 PM
I would stand get together about twenty of my friends and we'd stand around various places in town, refusing to say anything but "Welcome to Corneria" when spoken to.

It's be fun to see how long it would take to drive the PCs completely insane.

If I could give you a cookie by cramming one into the CD drive of my computer, I would do it.

Sebastian
2009-01-06, 06:47 PM
If I was the BBEG I'd create a network of spies to keep an eye on all those characters that show obvious signs of PCness, so that I can make them works for me or, even better, kill them while they are still low level.

FoE
2009-01-06, 07:21 PM
I'd hire low-level PCs to clear giant rats out of my basement and then surprise them with this. (http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/MM35_gallery/MM35_PG215b.jpg)

Hat-Trick
2009-01-06, 07:22 PM
Either be a high enough level bard that I could put the beat down on them if they piss me off, or be the guy that has just the right skills to take down their best member, preferably the spellcaster who thinks he's god.

chiasaur11
2009-01-06, 07:31 PM
I'd hire low-level PCs to clear giant rats out of my basement and then surprise them with this. (http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/MM35_gallery/MM35_PG215b.jpg)

PCs, as they walk quickly out of the basement:

"Good news! I'm pretty sure you no longer have a rat problem!"

FoE
2009-01-07, 03:29 AM
Low-level PCs, as they walk quickly out of the basement:

"Good news! I'm pretty sure you no longer have a rat problem!"

I'm sorry, I didn't think I had to make it clear that I was sealing the PCs inside the basement after they go down in it, probably by bolting the door. In which case, I expect their response to be more like:

"OH GODS THERE ARE NO RATS DOWN HERE LET US OUT LET US OUT OH GODS IT GOT JIM AH IT'S BITING HIM HELP US AAAAAAAAH!"

And if one of them screams "WHHHHHY?!!" while banging on the door, I might just bust a gut laughing. :smallbiggrin:

Vagnarok
2009-01-07, 03:48 AM
I'd want to be a friend of the PCs, a traveler who meets up with them throughout the adventure and regales them with news and cool items from throughout the land. I'd have a cool hat too.

Sereg
2009-01-07, 06:40 AM
Technically we already are NPC's, unless our players are extremely good at sepparating character and player knowledge.

Zenos
2009-01-07, 07:16 AM
I'd be the BBEG and flood the starting PCs with medium strength minions like minotaurs and harpies, whilst getting myself democratically elected Dictator for Life in the wealthiest and most important part of the world.

Zen Master
2009-01-07, 09:33 AM
I'd be an information broker. The kind that's costly and hard to get a hold of. When I sell them information about the location of the BBE's lair, I'll have them also sign a waiver that our business is concluded and all future business is our own, all debts paid.

Then I'd sell to the BBE the information that the heroes are coming. They'd likely find a similar waiver on his corpse. Or well - he'd find one on theirs.

potatocubed
2009-01-07, 10:21 AM
I'm the bookish comedy sidekick, a la Giles but with a wacky sense of humour. I'll get the party into all sorts of trouble with hilarious misunderstandings then, underestimated by the bad guy, save the day by smashing a valuable vase* over somebody's head. :smallsmile:

*Or toilet, if the tech level supports ceramic commodes.

chiasaur11
2009-01-07, 01:26 PM
I'm sorry, I didn't think I had to make it clear that I was sealing the PCs inside the basement after they go down in it, probably by bolting the door. In which case, I expect their response to be more like:

"OH GODS THERE ARE NO RATS DOWN HERE LET US OUT LET US OUT OH GODS IT GOT JIM AH IT'S BITING HIM HELP US AAAAAAAAH!"

And if one of them screams "WHHHHHY?!!" while banging on the door, I might just bust a gut laughing. :smallbiggrin:

You better hope they aren't good at breaking doors.

Or walls.

Telonius
2009-01-07, 02:08 PM
I'd be the research assistant at the local Library of a Billion Old Dusty Books. While those sorts of libraries do have a tendency of burning down upon contact with PCs, what doesn't? And librarians generally have a higher life expectancy than typical tavern-dweller.

sombrastewart
2009-01-07, 02:21 PM
I'd be the martial trainer; owns a school, teaches people special feats or Tome of Battle maneuvers. Might it get me killed by some BBEG? Possibly, but I'd go down putting a hurt on them.

Viddaric
2009-01-07, 06:31 PM
Personaly, being that I am not a sadistic bastard, I would actualy help the PC's out, although usualy in a roundabout way, and when I actualy had to intervene directly, I would throw plenty of ridicule at them for actualy needing my help. anyway, I would be the Powerful, mysterious NPC who always shows up when the PCs need their asses saved, although sometimes, like I said, I help indirectly, even when they're not on the edge of getting owned. if I got bored of lurking in the shadows, I could always give the Charachter to a newcomer (preferably real life me) and join the party, although my mysterious awesomesauce would diminish somewhat if I did.

Hat-Trick
2009-01-07, 07:32 PM
The average "joining the party" effect put onto awesomely good characters. Usually dropping seven levels (at least) and forgetting or refusing to use their awesome, killed the creature that almost killed PC in one blow... in one blow ability.

The Glyphstone
2009-01-07, 07:48 PM
I'd be massively overpowered with all sorts of homebrewed abilities that PC's couldn't get, a ton of absurd templates, epic levels in every class, and be sleeping with every goddess and demigoddess in the setting, with a personal Spelljammer ship on call in case I wanted to maintain long-distance relationships. My only role with the PCs would be as a Deus Ex Machina, quest dispenser, and snarky commentator. Elminster would be a punk compared to me.

FoE
2009-01-07, 07:58 PM
Personaly, being that I am not a sadistic bastard, I would actualy help the PC's out, although usualy in a roundabout way, and when I actualy had to intervene directly, I would throw plenty of ridicule at them for actualy needing my help. anyway, I would be the Powerful, mysterious NPC who always shows up when the PCs need their asses saved, although sometimes, like I said, I help indirectly, even when they're not on the edge of getting owned. if I got bored of lurking in the shadows, I could always give the Charachter to a newcomer (preferably real life me) and join the party, although my mysterious awesomesauce would diminish somewhat if I did.

So instead of being a sadist, you're a masochist? I can think of no other reason you'd want to fill a role that would be despised by the PCs to the point they'd probably try to kill you.

chiasaur11
2009-01-07, 09:18 PM
So, looking over the options, invulnerable and only having one phrase looks most fun. Plus, PCs would probably take long enough if they wanted to murder me that I could skip town first.

And, if I did die, it would probably be insane.

ericgrau
2009-01-07, 09:42 PM
(1) I would ask the PCs to do something for me without even mentioning a reward. They'd heroically rush to the cause, naturally. Subtle and effective.

(2) I would stay far far away from the all taverns until the PCs leave, unless I need to find a PC for (1). In that case I would exercise extreme caution. Drinking at the tavern at this time is out of the question.

(3) I would disguise myself as a beggar. If even one of the PCs throw me a few gp, I'll get more than a week of hard work. Or I'd try to sell him trinkets worth a couple sp for a couple gp. Generally I'd act like a 3rd world country citizen acts towards a foreigner.

(4) I would follow the PCs to the Magic Item Shoppe (TM), then sell out its location to the BBEG. When the BBEG sacks the town, this will be his primary/only target. Its limitless inventory will provide great power to his armies, or else insane amounts of wealth when later sold. After all, if the PCs can only afford a small portion of all the items in the game (which are contained in said Shoppe), it will easily provide the BBEG with all he needs to defeat the PCs and much more.

memnarch
2009-01-07, 11:34 PM
I'd be a random flavor NPC; Pixie flying by the PCs anytime they get a new quest or side-quest screaming "WWWWHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

The Neoclassic
2009-01-08, 08:07 PM
I would run the small town's little magic shop that seems to have precisely what you least need. Seriously, most of my customers are merchants or middle-class craftsmen, not adventurers!

Tacoma
2009-01-08, 08:21 PM
Relevant comic. (http://www.darklegacycomics.com/140.html)

THEY NO TAKE CANDLE!

Win. You is full of it.

As for the question:

I would employ an army of bleating orphans who are well-paid, well-cared for, with excellent health, life, dental, fire, flood, and earthquake insurance. I'd bump their loyalty past "Drooling Fanatic". And then they'd slowly endear themselves to the PCs with individual creative stories about past hardship and how times are ... tough. The PCs might pick out certain ones they take a shine to and train, give gifts, etc. The adventurers eventually leave town and move on.

At some point I'd ingratiate myself with a particularly fine band, and manage to convince one of them to take the Leadership feat. I would be his cohort! I would level up as he leveled up and I'd stay in town to watch over his interests. In reality the orphans would watch over his interests. I would be at the tavern getting drunk.

Next adventuring group comes in? I hire on as one of their cohorts too. Of course I stay in town watching over their interests ...

You see, there's no rule saying a cohort must be the cohort of a single leader. Every time one of my leaders gained a level, I would gain a level. I'd quickly outstrip all but the highest level and most successful adventuring parties, and then even them. You see, I'd be leveling up as fast as a large fraction of the sum of all my leaders. If I have ten leaders, I level up something like five times as fast as any one of them.

My orphans grow up and become NPCs with adventuring class levels. I concoct a scheme whereby they each have Leadership and they focus on one orphan, and as they level up that orphan also levels up for free. Eventually I'd be as high level as any adventurers who breezed through, and my fanatical orphan army would also be similarlt high level and optimized as well since they didn't have to go through the empty levels when leveling up.

And to do it I didn't have to get off my butt once.

Tacoma
2009-01-08, 08:23 PM
I'd be massively overpowered with all sorts of homebrewed abilities that PC's couldn't get, a ton of absurd templates, epic levels in every class, and be sleeping with every goddess and demigoddess in the setting, with a personal Spelljammer ship on call in case I wanted to maintain long-distance relationships. My only role with the PCs would be as a Deus Ex Machina, quest dispenser, and snarky commentator. Elminster would be a punk compared to me.

At first I thought you were describing Elminster. I wish people writing the books at least would leave DMPC out of it.

Llama231
2009-01-08, 08:40 PM
I would use PCs to get what I want, but be careful of trigger-happy ones.

Pie Guy
2009-01-08, 09:15 PM
I'd wear a sword proof shirt.

Hat-Trick
2009-01-08, 09:27 PM
The only problem with the "leadership con" is that you'd only be two levels lower than the current leader checking in on you. If the lowest level one checks in on you in the middle of your plan...

Then again I'm over analyzing:smalltongue:.

Harperfan7
2009-01-09, 10:17 AM
I would be the guy who cant die because the story is about him. Seems to work for Drizzy and Elmpimpster.

Dacia Brabant
2009-01-09, 10:47 AM
Eastmost peninsula is the secret!

....


*Sigh*

Times are tough.

It's a secret to everybody.

Now pay me for the door repair charge. Then let's play money making game.

:smallbiggrin:

vegetalss4
2009-01-09, 12:10 PM
I would be a wizards which keep scrying on the PC's and teleporting so that i always stay away from them, as trouble always follows them. BUT still be close enough that I could get them if it ever found me anyway. note i would also be so kind as to warn everybody that they where on their way here.

MickJay
2009-01-09, 07:05 PM
I'd be a freelance trap designer and constructor, ready to satisfy any and every need of your generic temple or dungeon builder.

I'd make sure to place some traps that would deliver their blow/cut/missiles/opened pit in an area extending from 10 to 20 feet behind the slab/wire that triggered them.

When not working on another project, I'd be selling basic equipment in towns, including 10 foot poles. Despite all this I would also freely give advice on avoiding my traps to the PCs, if they would treat me with respect and put some money in the charity box standing on the counter.

FMArthur
2009-01-10, 02:08 AM
I'm actually surprised at the lack of "stay away from the PCs" posts. I expected many. :smallconfused:

Ganurath
2009-01-10, 03:46 AM
I'm the governor of this city-state where halfbreeds such as myself and law-abidding outcasts can find safe haven. You suspect one of the citizens under my protection of wrongdoing? Say hello to the Tribunal: A tiefling enchantress, a LN half-orc cleric of Hextor, and a half-elven paladin. If two out of the three find enough evidence from what you present to find the citizen guilty, they'll turn them over to your custody. If that's not good enough, I know a half-dragon you can try to renegociate with. As for me, well... Prostitution is legal in my city. Later, meddlers!