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View Full Version : Ravens cry requests a favor from you wonderful people you.



Ravens_cry
2009-01-17, 11:20 PM
Heelo, I need some fresh sets of eyes Specifically, I got the back story for a character written out, and I need some proofreading done. Grammar and such.
Any assistance would be most gratifying.


Sean Phoenix was born as Amos Franklin to Ethel and Barney Franklin in September 13 1947 in Sumter North Carolina. He was always a bright child, but sneaky, though he had a silver tongue and could often get away with it. Finishing high school a year early, he was able to get a scholarship at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. However, he was kicked out just before graduating, after it came out he was stealing funds from the school treasury as student treasurer. This was kept quiet to save face for the seminary, but he was denied ordainment as a minister. He never came home after that. Running west, he learned by trial and error the art of the con, until at 24 he hit Brother Jeremiah's Traveling Revival Show. He was enthralled as he watched this man hold people in his grasp with ringing oratory and fiery words, with a few 'miracles' added on the side. He had found his mentor in crime. The Brother accepted him, and together they traveled across America, preaching and conning as they went. This lasted for 11 years, until at a stop in Fresno,California changed his life forever. A mother brought a rather disturbed looking son to the tent meeting now known as Brothers Isaac and Jeremiah's Salvation Emporium. Little driblets of foam tricked from the side of the boys mouth, and he shook, rolling his head from side to side. As he laid his hand on the boys hair, ready to do the whole 'cleansing fire' routine, he was sure it was drugs, or maybe mental illness.
It wasn't. As his fingers touched the young mans scalp, he felt a darkness within the child, like a welling up cloud of dark smoke, like a shadow looming over him, choking him. He opened his eyes to see the boys eyes fixated on him. He cleared his throat and went into his routine, and the child predictably collapsed, nearly dragging his frail mother with him. But Amos was shaken. He had touched something Real. Something that was more real then these simple parlor tricks he and his partner pulled on people to get them to open their wallets for them. Terrified, he tried to tell his partner about it, but the man just laughed it off, saying he had been working too hard, and not to let it get to him. He tried that, but it haunted him very night, as they traveled across California in their RV. Finally he had enough, he had to know what that was. And so he left one night, taking half the cash. Shaving his full beard, he was set out to find answers. To make ends meet, he started his own show,legally changing his name to Sean Phoenix, 'The Fire Reborn.', plying his trade, but slightly more honestly. As he found the answers he sought after, he applied them to his work, trying to find ways to genuinely help those who genuinely were stricken. While he couldn't make lame men walk or blind men see, he could help people 'burn away the Enemies darkness that taints the soul', as he would say in his booming voice. He had found a purpose, something worthier then simply making feel better, he could help people. Of course, he was still good at his trade, he could lie well enough to convince a judge and talk his way out of near anything. But now, he did it for a 'higher purpose'. Sean Phoenix isn't sure he truly believes in God, despite his outer pretensions, but he has seen a Darkness, and he will stand against it. His biggest worry is if his old partner found him again, and revealed who he was underneath, ruining his credibility.
Thanks and a nice weekend to you all.

The Neoclassic
2009-01-17, 11:31 PM
Sean Phoenix was born as Amos Franklin to Ethel and Barney Franklin in September 13 1947 in Sumter North Carolina. He was always a bright child, but sneaky, though he had a silver tongue and could often get away with it. Finishing high school a year early, he was able to get a scholarship at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. However, he was kicked out just before graduating, after it came out he was stealing funds from the school treasury as student treasurer. This was kept quiet to save face for the seminary, but he was denied ordainment as a minister. He never came home after that. Running west, he learned by trial and error the art of the con, until at 24 he hit Brother Jeremiah's Traveling Revival Show. He was enthralled as he watched this man hold people in his grasp with ringing oratory and fiery words, not to mention a few 'miracles' added on the side. He had found his mentor in crime. The Brother accepted him, and together they traveled across America, preaching and conning as they went. This lasted for 11 years, until at a stop in Fresno, California changed his life forever. A mother brought a rather disturbed looking son to the tent now known as Brothers Isaac and Jeremiah's Salvation Emporium. Little driblets of foam trickled from the side of the boys mouth; he shook, rolling his head from side to side. As he laid his hand on the boys hair, ready to do the whole 'cleansing fire' routine, Sean was sure it was drugs, or maybe mental illness.

It wasn't. As his fingers touched the young man's scalp, he felt a darkness within the child, like a welling up cloud of dark smoke, like a shadow looming over him, choking him. He opened his eyes to see the boys eyes fixated on him. He cleared his throat and went into his routine. The child predictably collapsed, nearly dragging his frail mother with him. Still, Amos was shaken. He had touched something real. Something that was more real then these simple parlor tricks he and his partner pulled on people to get them to open their wallets. Terrified, he tried to tell his partner about it, but the man just laughed it off, saying he had been working too hard and not to let it get to him. He tried, but it haunted him every night, as they traveled across California in their RV. Finally, he had enough; he had to know what that was. And so he left one night, taking half the cash with him. Shaving his full beard, he set out to find answers. To make ends meet, he started his own show and legally changed his name to Sean Phoenix, 'The Fire Reborn.'. He plied his trade, though slightly more honestly. As he found the answers he sought after, he applied them to his work, trying to find ways to genuinely help those who genuinely were stricken. While he couldn't make lame men walk or blind men see, he could help people "Burn away the enemies' darkness that taints the soul," as he would say in his booming voice. He had found a purpose, something worthier than simply making feel better; he could help people. Of course, he was still good at his trade; he could lie well enough to convince a judge and talk his way out of near anything. But now, he did it for a higher purpose. Sean Phoenix isn't sure he truly believes in God, despite his outer pretensions, but he has seen a Darkness, and he will stand against it. His biggest worry is if his old partner found him again and revealed who he was underneath, it would ruin his credibility.

S'all grammarized and such (Disclaimer: May not be perfect, and I make use of the semicolon when it fits.) Feel free to change anything back. Honestly, when you said you wanted grammar help, I expected much worse. Overall, it's pretty darn good, not to mention I really enjoyed reading it. Hope this is helpful, and thanks for sharing your nifty character background! :smallsmile:

Ravens_cry
2009-01-17, 11:58 PM
Thanks very much for the proof read, Queenfange, and thanks for the kind words as well. This is really a great forum, full of nice people, and you are further evidence of that.
Thank you.:smile:

Thane of Fife
2009-01-18, 08:59 AM
Sean Phoenix was born as Amos Franklin to Ethel and Barney Franklin in September 13, 1947 in Sumter, North Carolina. He was always a bright child, but sneaky, though he had a silver tongue and could often get away with it. Finishing high school a year early, he was able to get a scholarship at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. However, he was kicked out just before graduating, after it came out that he was stealing funds from the school treasury as student treasurer. This was kept quiet to save face for the seminary, but he was denied ordainment as a minister. He never went home after that. Running west, he learned by trial and error the art of the con, until at 24 he hit Brother Jeremiah's Traveling Revival Show. He was enthralled as he watched this man hold people in his grasp with ringing oratory and fiery words, not to mention a few 'miracles' added on the side. He had found his mentor in crime. The Brother accepted him, and together they traveled across America, preaching and conning as they went. This lasted for 11 years, until a stop in Fresno, California changed his life forever. A mother brought a rather disturbed-looking son to the tent now known as Brothers Isaac and Jeremiah's Salvation Emporium. Little driblets of foam trickled from the side of the boys mouth; he shook, rolling his head from side to side. As he laid his hand on the boys hair, ready to do the whole 'cleansing fire' routine, Sean was sure it was drugs, or maybe mental illness.

It wasn't. As his fingers touched the young man's scalp, he felt a darkness within the child, like a welling-up cloud of dark smoke, like a shadow looming over him, choking him. He opened his eyes to see the boys eyes fixated on him. He cleared his throat and went into his routine. The child predictably collapsed, nearly dragging his frail mother with him. Still, Amos was shaken. He had touched something real. Something that was more real then these simple parlor tricks he and his partner pulled on people to get them to open their wallets. Terrified, he tried to tell his partner about it, but the man just laughed it off, saying he had been working too hard and not to let it get to him. He tried, but it haunted him every night, as they traveled across California in their RV. Finally, he had enough; he had to know what that was. And so he left one night, taking half the cash with him. Shaving his full beard, he set out to find answers. To make ends meet, he started his own show and legally changed his name to Sean Phoenix, 'The Fire Reborn.'. He plied his trade, though slightly more honestly. As he found the answers he sought after, he applied them to his work, trying to find ways to genuinely help those who genuinely were stricken. While he couldn't make lame men walk or blind men see, he could help people "Burn away the enemies' darkness that taints the soul," as he would say in his booming voice. He had found a purpose, something worthier than simply making people feel better; he could help people. Of course, he was still good at his trade; he could lie well enough to convince a judge and talk his way out of near anything. But now, he did it for a higher purpose. Sean Phoenix isn't sure he truly believes in God, despite his outer pretensions, but he has seen a Darkness, and he will stand against it. His biggest worry is that, if his old partner found him again and revealed who he was underneath, it would ruin his credibility.

I've gone over the edited version - it generally looked good. I added a few commas near the beginning, and marked other changes in red, as I'm not entirely certain if they're what you want (in particular, a word was missing near the end - make sure I added the right one).

And it was an interesting backstory, too - certainly worth reading.