View Full Version : Bizzare comments within DnD

Purple Cloak
2009-01-22, 10:21 PM
As I think I've mentoned in the past I've got a very bizzare group, the situation and comment we make are rather silly, but is all well and good, because thats just out style.

Over time I've catalougued a few convasations had for amusment purposes over the course of a few games, and here they are for you guys.

I'll put peoples nicknames/charicter names so you can get a realisation of peoples personalitiys without giving away their identities. :smallwink:

Korval: Smell his snake!
- this was in refrence to a rubber snake in the bottom of my bag, it smelt lke biscuits!

Valahuir (Me): I dance down the corridor and try to pick up women.
*natural 20*
Korval (DM): You dance remarkably well.
Valahuir: Do I find any ladies?
Korval: No,but you do find a skeleton.
Valahuir: Is it a ladies?
*dead silence*
- I never did get an answer.

Valahuir: I dance back down the corridor
Korval: You do the tango!
Hatheal: Don't you need a partner?
Valahuir: I'll use the skeleton!
- This followed the previous one by about ten minutes

Valahuir: My charicter? Generic hero.
- This means spiky haired amnesiac with an oversized weapon

Valahuir: Problem, I've left my dice bag at home. these were just loose in the bottom of my bag.
Hatheal: That worrying
Valahuir: What? The fact I've still got more than everyone else put together just with my loose ones?
Hatheal: Yes
- They were mostly D6's, but He has a point, My dice bag must have over two hundred dice in it.

Korval: Death is only a mild inconveniance.
-In Dnd thats true.

Korval (DM): Gekko?
Valahuir: nah, Kobold.
Korval: Gekko?
Valahuir: Kobold!
Korval: Gekko?
Valahuir: K-O-B-O-L-D!
Korval: G-E-K-K-O?
Valahuir: Ko-kobold!
Korval: Co-cobold? Is it made out of chocolate?
Valahuir: ... Yes.
- We realy are as bad as each other

Korval: Somtimes I realy want to hit you
Valahuir: Was that in or out of charicter?
Korval: In
Valahuir: Oh, ok then.
- This was because my 'Generic hero' answered "Are we?" to a "We're friends" remark.

Korval (Dm again): What does your charcter look like?
Valahuir: Erm, Draconic?
Korval: Is he fat, is he thin, whats his skin colour, is he tall, is he short, is he a she?
- My 'generic hero' is a 4th ed dragon born.

Valahuir: What's my name? I don't know, what does my underwear say?
Hi I'm tuesday.
- This remark was made on a sunday, which adds a bit of amusment.

Valahuir (DM): *sigh* first time was a joke.
Hatheal: Now its a running joke!
Valahuir: Nah, they never get chance too.
- This was in responce to members of the party dying at the 'hand' of a cow for the third time.

Hatheal: Is their any way up to the cages?
Valahuir (DM): Theirs a ladder, besides you can fly.
Hatheal: ... Oh yeah.
- I can't poke fun, I've done simalar myself

Mordo: Heres your credit crunch!
-In refrence to a demon lord hitting somthing with a bank vault.

Valahuir (DM): Why hasten your death?
Mordo: Cast slow!
- This derailed my boss fight for a few minutes. :smallbiggrin:

Mordo: Warpstone, part of any nutrisious, Mutatious breakfast!
- Someone made a remark about eating warpstone.

Valahuir (DM): Reliese the second wave!
Mordo: I've got a surf board!
- Mord strikes again

Mordo: You put that in just so we'd kill outselves right?
Valahuir (DM): Yes
- Their was a hole in the wall with a teleporation trap, anything stabed into he hole materalised behind the person and hit them, the assassin backstabbed himself.

Valahuir (DM): Ok, you continue down the corridor after both putting an ally in mortal danger then saving him moments later.
- Mordo pushed the freshly raised assassin into a pit trap.

Hatheal: You ralise it's probably hiding 'behind' the rocks right?
Valahuir & Korval in unison: So?
- We were looking for a hiding doppelganger.

Hatheal: I think we lost korval.
Koval: Nah I stopped listening about when you stopped making sence.
Valahuir: So you haven't been listening all session then?
- Mordo's not the only one good at one liners.

Korval: It's quite wide, despite its apparent thiness.
- Yay oximoronic statments!

Valahuir: Is it big enough?
Korval (DM): Nope, it was just a sapling
Valahuir: But I said I'd cut one down close by that looks big enough.
Korval: No you said you'd cut down the nearist and hope its big enough.
Valahuir: oh....
- Thats what I ment to say, honist!

Ok, thats all I have so far, and I'll add more once thy've been made, including coaxing other people to make such remarks other than us four!

Feel free to add your own, comment or whatever, I hope you all got a kick out of this.

2009-01-22, 10:31 PM
This phrase comes from a certain game, and it was said twice. Both times it happened, the familiar of the LE sorcerer was attacked

Snake? snake? Snaaaaaake!

In a campaign designed for 6th level characters:

Prince Heward(DM): A bunch of monk were writing some books for me, and I have not received them.
Adwren(me): By monks, do you mean the religious ones or the ones who fight with their fists?

2009-01-22, 10:41 PM
BBEG: "...You only hasten your death!"
Cleric: "Hey, good idea! Quicken Slay Living!"

GM: Okay, so you go down this dark hall. Suddenly, a Shadow goes through the wall to attack!
Caster: I shoot a magic missile into the dark... er the Shadow!
PCa: The Shadow?
PCb: The Shadow...
GM: Only the Three Stooges of the D&D world could combine those two references...

angus cotton
2009-01-22, 11:46 PM
Player standing in the town square with a town seeming infested with stray cats, raising a fist to the heavens, and shouting majestically:

"Foul druid, come out now and rid this town of these pesky cats!"

2009-01-23, 12:23 AM
Doug: "I swear it wasn't me, it was the quaid mindtricks!"
Paul, to telepath: "Do the quaid have mindtricks?"
(telepath shakes head)
Paul: "Doug, stop it or I'll hit you with a wrench."

Doug: "Do they have a proboscis? Because if they have a proboscis I'm not coming out there."
Paul: "No, they do not."
Doug: "What about an ovipositor? Check them for ovipositors."
Paul: "I'm not going to check them for an ovipositor."
Heather: "Make Heather do it!"

(after bringing down a tripod in the distance)
Doug: "I am totally going to steal a heat ray. Hold on." (runs off into the snowstorm)
Heather: "So it's going to be sculpted into the cowling to prevent theft."
Doug (shouting): "I'm having trouble, I think they sculpted it into the cowling!"

"Hey, that ghost Nazi looks like he's looking for his ghost luger."
"Oh ****. Eastern front. Standard issue panzerfaust."
"Crap. He's looking for a rocket launcher! He's looking for a ROCKET LAUNCHER!"

"We are of the alerting at Aries Corp security! Escape priority is number one!! Mike go get the van which is obtained!!"
"I think she's telling you to go get the van."
"YES! Go to the place of obtain van! Aries security, now I shoot the guitar of my shot gun, where you eat the crazy bullets of hot liquid die!"

"I don't want to wake up, I's was havin' a dream where I was a polygamist."

"Well, this is cooler than the last murder. You know, when it just turned out the guy liked to eat caulk."
"Ah, yes, the great caulk cruncher caper."

"Her concept is sound. Why is her character so unbelievable?"
"Because of you. You're playing a teenage female were-komodo-dragon with amnesia who explores the spirit world on weekends, and yet somehow your portrayal makes it more believable than her feeble attempt at a thirtysomething failed artist who had to take a job as a hostess to make ends meet."

Charles: I'll call my reaver bot "Carzilla"

Charles: You can play Amazing Grace on a harmonica right?
Mr. Author: You can....
Charles: Nice, I have a perform skill

"Can you pick the lock?"
"No. No skills in that. I was too busy learning Beholder, Yuan-ti, Elven, Giant, Gnoll, Orc, Undercommon, and Gnome."
"What? Do you at least have thief tools?"
"No. I'm not a thief. I'm a mongoose."
"You're a human!"
"Well, I want to be a mongoose. Can I be one? Can I be a mongoose?"
"What? And why don't you have thief tools?"
"Told you. I'm not a thief. I also had to spend the money on this sammich."
"Hey! It's a good sandwich. Come, sandwich, my mouth is lonely. Keep my mouth company."

"Guy can't even do his own plumbing, he shouldn't be dating the ex-wives of hate crime perpetrators."

"Harris has finally snapped. Again."

"Ugh. Harris? The man with the BAC higher than GPA?"

"No, I'm not hiding my pot in the secret drawer, my dad will find it. I'm hiding it in Mr. Snuggles."
"Just so we're clear, we're talking 'marijuana,' right?"
"I'll have you know its proper name is 'teacher plant.'"

Episode 1 (Deep End of the Pool)
Ryan: "Anyone ever tell you you're crazy?"
Mike: "No."
Ryan: "You know why? You don't antagonize the crazy guy."

Episode 2 (The Link)
Ryan: "You're a community college student with an uzi, sawed-off, desert eagle, anything else I should know about?"
Mike: "I got some binoculars."

Episode 3 (Code Cracker)
Mike: "I never thought I'd be dying. Of radiation poisoning. In Amish country."

Ryan: "Whatever happened to turning the other cheek?"
Mike: "They did. It had pointy bits."

Cyborg child: "All are one in Unity. Unity is all. We are Unity."
Ryan: "Yeah, I saw this episode. It didn't end well for the starship."

Episode 4 (The Vanishing Man)
Ryan: "Drink this."
Mike: "I don't drink coffee."
Ryan: "Come on, drink it!"
Mike: "Coffee makes me twitchy." (finishes putting gun back together)
Ryan: "Never mind then."

Ryan: "I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy, a ninja came out of nowhere and killed him."

Aron: "I make perfect sense. Not my fault you don't like sammiches."

Ryan: "You can't die of cyanide while playing minesweeper."
Aron: "You're assuming that someone hasn't put an abrasive substance laced with cyanide and fiberglass strands on your keyboard."
Ryan: "There's also bullets, fired from a gun going very fast because people are being annoying."
Aron: "You're assuming that bullets hurt."

Ryan (thinking aloud): "But why hydrogen cyanide?"
Coffee Lady: "It kills quickly, is easily made, and causes a lot of pain, which is why the victim tends to drop so fast. They are too busy twitching as the cells are incapable of producing ATP in order to sustain the body."
Aron (putting coffee down): "I'm gonna go get a soda."

"Are you a werewolf?"
"What? Of course not."
"Let's find out." *shoots Willie Nelson in shoulder*
*scream of pain* "You shot me!"
"Of course you're a werewolf. That's a silver bullet. If you were human, you'd be fine."

"You break everything you touch."
"No I don't, I haven't broke the sidewalk yet."

"Who's that blind guy?"
"You mean Runs-With-Scissors?"

"Here's the plan. You're going to turn into that giant dinosaur dragon thing, and then bite him."
"No. I am not going Archid for you, and I am not putting him in my mouth."

"Last time this happened, I ended up with a vampire in my mouth. I do not care to repeat that experience."
"I don't see…."
"In my mouth! The vampire was in my mouth! I can still taste it!"

"My options are 'use animal attraction on doctor, wait for guards to come in, shift to Archid, rip my way out,' or 'build house of cards by making them think I'm impossibly old, walk out.' Despite the fun of option one, it'll get me hunted mercilessly and I'll lose my stuff."

"Did you know.... your mom looks like Morticia Addams?"

"He's a nice boy, don't hurt him!"
*stated calmly, with no malice* "I'm not going to hurt him, just state the facts. He's going to worship the ground you walk on or I am going to rip out every vein in his body."

Midgard Serpent: "You are the dreamers and makers of the world. You may have anything you desire."
PC 1: "Hey, can I get a soda?"

"No, you had to live in the murder house."

"She's not on her medication."
"Why does everyone do that to me?"
"Because it's the truth."

"It's all fun and games until someone puts out a ninja."

“I know how to use the spigot, I saw the horse do it!”

“Mutants everywhere.”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t think Sergeant Jenkins would take this well.”
“Yep. ‘specially since I took his pocketwatch.”

“Turn undead and do-si-do!”

"You were touching that....that..... other woman!"
"Woman? That was a truck..."

“I am required to alert you that this action which you are undertaking could pose a serious health risk.”
“Nah, I’ve done this lots of times.”
“Yes, but not while being fired upon by an appliance utilizing a firearm.”

“This is a very dirty room. It needs to be cleaned. All flaccid, organic beings should vacate the premises, as the chemicals and materials to be used may possess harmful fumes and may result in several health issues, such as wheezing, shortness of breath, and giant, gaping holes in weak, carbon-based flesh.”

“While you are correct in your assessment of my lack of buying power, you do not appear to realize that you, as a human, cannot function properly with a bullet hole in your head.”

John: "Okay, Running Bandanna, you take up the rear, Dr. Black, you stay behind me, and C-cup, you take the flank, and keep your hands where I can see 'em."

John: "There we go. Okay, Chief Shooting Nazis, you and talking breasts put the scientist uniform on."
Eric: "What, why? I don't speak German!"
John: "She does, she'll cover for you."
Eric: "But I don't want to."
John: "Look, if the (racial epithet) does, you do, and in order to put it on, she has to strip. Here. In the hallway. With all of us watching."
Eric: "Watch me go."

Li: (Spot check, DC 24, sees an obvious demon dog) “Monster!”
John: “Monsters don’t exist.” (makes a Spot check, 24) “Relax, it’s a bat.”
Li (gaping in horror): “But bat has wolf parts!”
John (loading and cocking rifle): “Must be one of them northern European bat dogs.”

Li Tai: "Look, I tell USA I have perfect English speaking, they send me back to lie detector test. Last time, the man say 'there three-head monster in room?' I say 'maybe,' and when comes up correct statement, they look at me funny."

“I hope those guys come back soon with the clay, I need to scratch my nose.”
“It glows! Dude! Save vs. sweetness!”

“Okay, we’ll follow the sword. But if this leads to breakfast cereal, I’m killing you all.”

“They’re after her lucky charms!”
“I told you that if this led to breakfast cereal, you would all die.”

(After returning to the villain’s stronghold to get some information about a different villain and some more chocolate cake)
Villain: "You'll have to take the main entrance, since my elevator doesn't work. I think some desert animals crawled in there and died."
Paladin: "Yeah. I believe that. Except replace 'desert animals' with 'babies' and 'crawled in there' with 'thrown.'”
Summoner: “Yeah. And 'died' with 'flayed.'"

Paladin: “The scary part about the villain having that reality-altering device is that she’s probably the safest person to actually have it. She won’t share it with anyone and is scared to use it.”

“Are you okay?”
“Maybe. I have a giant scar that’s squirming. You might want to look into that. This happened to me once before, only it was maggots. And by to me, I mean a guy on the street, and by happened, I mean I stepped in him.”

“I think the GHO just made the ‘don’t talk to these guys again’ list.”
“Aw, I think they’re cute! And really brave.”
“They didn’t even use cover and failed to reload their own firearms during downtime! That’s stupid!”
“Stupid? Or brave?”

“Is it really necessary to have more explosives than the climax of a sci-fi channel original movie?”

“Let that be your lesson for this morning. Pain hurts.”

“What? You want a reward? Why?”
“We won. We saved the world!”
“If I recall, we’re the ones who set the ancient evil loose in the first place.”
“But we put it back!”

“Aren’t you an Orthodox priestess?”
”Then why the hell are you going along with the villain’s plan?”
“Because it sounds really cool!”

“If this is a bad idea, Gaia give me a sign!”
“Okay, gimme the dynamite and the handcuffs.”

(after searching a couple’s car and finding two rolls of duct tape, a doctor’s bag full of implements of questionable intent, one hundred temporary tattoos in the shape of eyeballs, ten feet of hose, a tranquilizer gun, a taser, two rubber knives, a jar of mayonnaise, and an inflatable raft)
“I, guys, I really don’t want to hear this story. Checkpoint clear!”

“His big plan is to drop a rock on the planet?”
“Not just any rock! Space demon infested rock!”
“We’ve already got space demons! That’s like setting a cockroach loose in a house that’s already infested!”
“Do you want to tell him that?”
“You do it.”

Later: “Hey, man, I just wanted to tell youaahhhhohGaiamyface!”

“You think it’s okay? Will I lose my paladin powers?”
"You know if this were D&D you'd have lost your powers like ten times before lunch."

“Anybody get the number of that soul train that hit me?”

“Hey, Jesus! Leave them kids alone!”

“You must never use the Force in anger.”
“I didn’t. I used a crowbar.”

(After a lengthy conversation)
“Well, if you’ve questions about life and the Force, you should ask the Jedi. I’m just the gardener.”

“Can I make a Force-powered cheesecake?”
“Depends how many midichlorians you find in the batter.”

“I’m baking a cake. Where are the grenades at?”

Said to Sith lord: "Hey who do you think aahhhohgodmyface!"

“Next time a Jedi falls out of the sky with amnesia, I’ll kill him. And if I get a Dark Side point for it, I’ll kill the GM.”

“Is the droid on its period?”
“No, the damn council put the code that prevents protocol droids from killing people back in.”

“What is this?”
“I read the Jedi Code. Says no love. Doesn’t say no booze or mindless spooning.”

“Why are they calling you Darth Zee?”
“It’s probably the threat that I’ll beat them into a stupor with a crowbar if’n they don’t behave.”
“But you’re a Jedi!”
“I know, I’m not doing it out of malice. I’m doing it because if I don’t, the little screwballs will peel your face off and feed it to the ship’s rats.”
“Fair enough.”

“One delivery for Miss…. T. Spore?”
“That’s THE Spore, and don’t you forget it!”

Exploring an ancient ruin: “Aw, there’s no chocolate this time”

Same character: “I found some chocolate outside that ruin, but she said there wasn’t any chocolate inside, the monsters probably ate it all.”

“I’ll tear you to pieces.”
“I’ll tear you to pieces!”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones.”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones!”
“Okay, guys, next time you use the Force to start a bar fight, it’s Dark Side points for everyone.”

“You’ll be fine, honest! There’s only one rancor this time!”

“If you use the drill on his forehead you will get a Dark Side point.”
“Thank you sir! May I have another?”

“It is my duty as a Jedi player to tell you that I am acting not on anger, but on pure he-posted-naked-trids-of-me-on-the-holonet fury.”

“Are you trying to go Dark Side?”
“You know me, if I was trying I wouldn’t succeed. Remember the time my character tried to attack someone?”
“Was that before or after you got a new leg and two new arms?”

“I can’t believe that you, as both a twi’lek and a Jedi, allowed one of your ship-mates to buy one.”
“Hey, it’s part of our society, she sold her own contract.”
“But nothin’. I didn’t complain when you came back with your new chest piercing, and the Jedi frown upon body modifications.”
“That was a blaster wound.”
“Same difference.”

(After finding out how to operate a Sith planet killer)
“Ooooh, pretty.”
“Dark Side point.”
“You just blew up a moon.”
“That his character was still on.”

2009-01-23, 01:53 AM
Morden the Diviner to Thorn the Paladin, as thorn is tiptoeing across a (possibly) trapped room, to retrieve a magical sword:

Morden: Beware the owl of the forest!
Thorn: What, now???
Morden: That is all I have to say on the matter.
Thorn: ...

2009-01-23, 02:15 AM
Morden the Diviner to Thorn the Paladin, as thorn is tiptoeing across a (possibly) trapped room, to retrieve a magical sword:

Morden: Beware the owl of the forest!
Thorn: What, now???
Morden: That is all I have to say on the matter.
Thorn: ...

Would have been funny to go

Beware the Owl!

2009-01-24, 01:29 AM
CJ (DM): Coy, you're surrounded. What's your AC?
Me: Dude, it's 21.
CJ: What? Matt, did you help him make his character you powergamer?
Me: No, he asked you for fullplate and a heavy shield, you said yes.
CJ: Oh, well okay. I mean, it does make sense for a dwarven cleric. 21? They need a 19 to hit...
Coy: Can't touch this.
CJ: Miss. It bounces off your shield.
Me: (I usually do sound effects) Dunh
CJ: Miss and miss, you sidestep it, but barely [18].
Me: Nungh, nah
CJ: Miss, bounces off the armor.
Me: Nunh
CJ: Double shot...miss, both miss.
Me: Nunh, nah
CJ: The other archer goes, and misses both shots.
Me: Nunh, nah
CJ: Matt, your turn. What does your bard do?
Me: He inspires courage. Couldn't you tell?
CJ: What? No. Coy, your turn.
Coy: Hammer Time!
CJ resorts to a face palm.

Yes, the attacks really did work out that way. It was perfect, for a moment.

2009-01-24, 03:20 AM
The wizard in the campaign I'm running got killed in the first adventure, though he got a free resurrection. He came back a little loopy, prancing around and greeting everyone "Hey everyone! The bees are singing and the birds are buzzing! The sun is blowing and the wind is shining!"

When asked how his death felt, he simply said "Death is a life-changing experience."

He has a phobia of orcs, having been almost killed by one when he was younger. When he first encountered hobgoblins (the campaign is full of them), he couldn't tell the difference. Every time he saw them he'd say "Orcs! MORE ORCS!" and the entire party would chorus "HOBGOBLINS."
Even the now-dead swashbuckler, when looting a corpse for a chain shirt, told the rogue to take it since it stank of "non-orc" anyway.

While she was alive, the swashbuckler had a habit of skewering hobgoblins in the groin. One of her more memorable lines was "How many more bloodlines do we have to end before we get back to town?"
The elf ranger, brutally frank, simply said "Three more, apparently."

Once, when fighting a Cleric of Bane who had animated a wyvern zombie:
They'd rolled low their knowledge checks, only realizing that it was an undead wyvern.
Azareth (Wizard): Oh, so that's what a wyvern is.
Lesa (Ranger): Real wyverns have organs.
Azareth: Well, I can still see some organs sticking out there.

Kieran, the rogue, ended up getting into some rather compromising situations. (Yes, she 's a girl, despite having a guy's name). She had some ranks in Perform (Dance), since she was originally planning to go into Shadowdancer. The party once had to go undercover to meet an informant in a tavern.

About an hour before they were supposed to meet the informant, they were discussing who should go into the tavern and who should wait outside.
-Alioth: Aasimar Paladin. Tank + greatsword+outsider features = disguise out of the question.
-Azareth: Moon Elf Wizard. Landed nobility = forget it.
-Acantha: Cleric of Kelemvor. Armor + shield = disguise out of the question.
-Kieran: Half-Elf Rogue. The only character with ranks in Disguise and Bluff. 8 WIS.
-Lesa: Wood Elf Ranger. The only character capable of reigning in Kieran + good senses = should go.

<Lesa> Who is good at disguises?
<Everyone> Kieran.
<Lesa> Who is good at acting?
<Everyone> Kieran.
<Lesa> Who is fearless?
<Everyone> Kieran.
<Kieran> I'm glad I'm so popular.
<Lesa> Then again, can we trust her?
<Kieran> See? SEE? You can't trust me with negotiations! Unless you want me to sell all your gear.

Kieran ended up going in as a tavern dancer, in a rather ridiculously diaphanous gypsy costume.

They got into a fight with some hitmen afterwards, and Kieran got hit with a phantasmal assailants spell, dropping her WIS to 0. While she was frothing at the mouth and convulsing on the ground, the sorcerer who cast it on her also dropped a fireball into the street, setting part of the tavern on fire. Acantha quickly cast create water to put out the spreading fire, drenching Kieran.

When she woke up and saw that she had been passed out, sopping wet, in a revealing outfit, and frothing at the mouth, all she could manage was "Uh...dignity, please?"

Purple Cloak
2009-01-24, 10:29 AM
Glad too see where not the only insane lot.

Here's one I forgot.

Tor: For the sake of the world, I must ally myself with he demon lord!
- Yes that was a surreal as it sounds

Hunter Noventa
2009-01-24, 10:41 AM
A few random ones from my group-

"I don't think I can convert my mind blade into a forklift; it's above the load limit. "

"Your diplomacy check moves the princes from unfriendly to prone. Good Job. "

"Once again, the GM was thwarted by the Canadian legal system. "

"Clone ninjas stole my cyborg body."

"Thinking back as a veteran Space Ranger: Ah, those were the times! No government inspections during the Klissan War, nosiree-bob. A spacer could be PROUD to have a hold full of slimy green **** back in the day! "

Delaney Gale
2009-01-24, 12:54 PM
Our party consists of a ridiculous amount of people (7, or 8 once we get my cohort). However, only three of them actually matter for hilarity purposes: Peri, my rogue/transmuter/arcane archer who was in this for the money to begin with but has actually grown to like the party, Gerry, the deist hospitaler, and Vox, cultist greyguard on a suicide mission to bring Kas back as a lawful good demigod. He's also a tempermental, sarcastic SoB. Also our warmage gets a line.

We meet a Cleric of Vecna in the streets of Citadel Corvalis (Vecna's domain on Ravenloft). He begins trying to convert us.

Peri: Well, my god actually endorses lying, cheating, stealing, and debauchery as sacraments. What can Vecna offer me that Olidamarra can't? If you can provide me with a detailed cost-benefits analysis, I'll consider your offer.

Gerry: Given that I'm a deist, I technically already do worship Vecna...

this goes on for a while, leading to Vox coining what has become our party's motto-

Vox: All hail Vecna, the Bitch King!

Later; we had gotten access to Vecna's palace, Peri had been possessed by a rather vain lich who was impressed by her CHA 14 and being an elf so she'd be beautiful forever. However, she was NOT impressed with her AA tits, and experimented a bit with some enlarge and permanency spells. Eventually Peri got her body back, but only after a duplicate was made for the lich, and any changes the lich made weren't undone. We also find that Gerry's deck of playing cards (he's got Profession(gambler)) was replaced with a deck of many things. Just for the lolz. Peri and the other rogue-type in the party fall under a compulsion to draw a card from the deck, which is complicated by the fact that the card Gerry drew when he figured out what the deck was prevented him from being pickpocketed.

Me: *looks left* *looks right* DM, I drop the handkerchief.

The handkerchief is a handkerchief of flirting. It makes the targeted person enamored with you for 1d4 + your Charisma score rounds, no Will save. In this case, it was Gerry, who was happy to allow me to cajole him into letting me draw a card. Which was the Knight of Cups, which summoned Mark, the Knight of Cups.

Peri: *shakes head* Sorry, don't know what came over me.

She tries to give the deck back to Gerry, but Vox stops her. Gerry asks why, and Vox takes the deck.

Vox: It has already been proven that the rogue is weak-willed. You may have them back when you're no longer in love with her.

Gerry: ... I spend the next 14 rounds fawning over Peri and glaring jealously at Mark.

14 rounds later, Vox pats him on the shoulder and hands him the cards.

Vox: Some implants, huh?

However, this came back to bite Vox in the ass... later, we came across Vecna himself, locked in battle with Iuz. Most of the party knelt before him in awe and terror, two of the party members were manipulated into working for him, Gerry made the DC 35 Will save, and Vox was immune to the effect (yay True Sword of Kas!)

They look at each other, and basically go, "here goes nothing". Gerry whips out the deck of many things, and they both draw a card to the resounding battle cry of "ALL HAIL VECNA, THE BITCH KING!"

Neither card was useful. Gerry's, the Page of Swords, summoned a level 3 fighter, who immediately bowed in awe and terror of Vecna. Vox's, the Two of Cups, went as follows...

DM: The Two of Cups. Over the next twenty-four hours, you fall madly in love with the member of your party most attractive to you considering Charisma score, gender, and species preferences. You gain +4 CHA in the eyes of the beloved only.

Vox's player: *turns to Gerry's player* John?

It's later decided that the object of his affection is, in fact, Peri. Which should be fun, since in the other game we're playing together my dignifed Prussian gentleman and his paranoid anarchist labor organizer are at each other's throats.

2009-01-24, 03:00 PM
We where a playing a campain set in a mordern world with no guns and no magic, the idea being that we could still use swords ect. but play in a mordern world.

So, all the players except one and the Dm and making characters in one room, while the final character is making his character in the next room over.

The player in the other room calls in:

"Are rocket launchers an exotic weapon profeciency?"

Then a few minutes later, after the obvious answer is given.

He calls:

"What about Flamethrowers?"

2009-01-24, 04:11 PM
From an Exalted campaign:

Kritoth: Next time we're in a sealed room with flamable walls check to see if there's a locked door first.
Legacy: Got rid of the bad guys, didn't it?
Max: Setting an entire sewer system on fire...are you guys always this subtle?
Legacy: No, we're usually a lot more blatant.
Max: *facepalm*

Phas: *composes and gives an impromptu performance of "Blue-Haired Girl", rolling 15 successes*
ST: Blue-Haired Girl not just goes platinum, it goes jade, which is far more valuable. The listeners are sobbing from the beauty of what they just heard, and Phas is surrounded by a pile of thrown underwear. Not all of it women's.

Legacy: I go looking for any books I can read.
ST: The entire library is in Old Realm, so you can't read any of them. You do, however, find "Girls of Yu-Shan: Starmetal Edition."

ST: OK, roll Performance+Dexterity to communicate in Insect Booty Dance.

Before a session:
Legacy: There have been several times where [the ST] just had the bad guy keel over instead of having me bother with rolling damage.
Legacy: Oooh, if I get Iron Raptor Te...
ST: *interrupting* NO!

From a Heavy Gear campaign:

During campaign setup:
Legacy: If we choose South, do we get to call it The War of Northern Agression?
GM: To be fair, the South WOULD call it the War of Northern Aggression.
Max: I know which I want to join.
Legacy: God, I am trying so very, very had to resist the urge to put a Confederate battleflag and a Dale Earnhardt decal on my mecha.
Shades: I will have mudflaps with a naked girly on them, whether I have wheels or no.
Shades: And a shotgun rack.
Legacy: Oh God, I just had the most horrible idea ever: paint a mecha bright orange and call it the "General Kerensky"
Jayj: Battletech reference?
Legacy: And Dukes of Hazzard.
Jayj: GOD, that's a horrible idea.
Jayj: You have to do it.

During the first session:
GM: "You have been summarily relieved of command, pending a criminal investigation of...pederasty."

From the setup for a 4e Ebberron campaign:

Max: Trying to escape to Khorvaire...
Sebas: I still don't know what a Khorvaire is, but it sounds like an exquisite race-car.
Sebas: VRROOOOM Vrrroooom.
Max: Hee. It's a continent. :)
Jayj (DM): Khorvaire = the main continent / seat of civilization in Eberron.
Max: And Riedra is another continent
Sebas: Oh, alright then.
Sebas: ...do either of them have a spoiler?
Max: Riedra has thrush pipes and tubular headers.
Max: Khorvaire has an airdam and turbo.
Sebas: Riedras get 37 miles to the gallon, highway.

Phas: You'd think the Karnnathi would have space sewn up already. They can get their guys up there with a slingshot.

Sebas: There would have to be a donkey on the ship though.
Jayj (DM): Uh... *suspiciously* A donkey. Why?
Sebas: ...don't ask any questions. I just need for this to happen.
Jayj (DM): I'm kinda the GM, so I need to know certain things. Like why donkey.
Sebas: ...sentimental value.
Jayj (DM): I swear, Sebs, if you try to get the ship named "The Bad Ass", I will either give you a medal or smite you with fuuurious anger and greeeat judgment.

2009-01-25, 01:35 AM

(Gelatinous Cube Monk knocks on door of mayor's office)

Mayor: ****!

It was funny at the time.

The gelatinous cube falls into a pit, and gets stuck:

Cowtoe: This would be hilarious if it wasn't so painful!

The New Bruceski
2009-01-25, 03:30 AM
"I'm pretty sure Moradin would be pro-choice." -- A fellow player whose paladin had a VERY wrong idea about why the princess was missing.

2009-01-25, 05:21 AM
In the Eberron games I've been involved in, the PCs are invariably loopier.

I once ran Hell's Heart as a one-shot for a group of my students who were seeing off an emigrating friend in Singapore. Since they wanted six PCs, one of them had to double up. He was playing as a Dwarf Crusader of the Silver Flame, and his adopted Warforged Scout brother.

And they were named Holden and Loven Magroen. (Read that carefully.)

Holden was incredibly vain and had his hair enchanted with a permanent feather fall, so that when he would turn his head it would always bounce dramatically.

Loven, on the other hand, had some...existential issues. Once, he said "I sand myself to feel alive."

Sadly, that campaign ended without finishing. Nobody really bothered to use real character sheets and had their stats written in notebooks instead, and they got lost.

The other Eberron game I'm currently in is Eyes of the Lich Queen. My characters are a Warforged Fighter 2/Warblade 4, and a female human Artificer 6. The warforged has developed a peculiar battlecry: "FLESH IS WEAK!"He often yells this after critting a monster to death (which he's done once) or using his favorite Emerald Razor+Power Attack combo.

Once, however, we were in the catacombs beneath the Temple of Kha'Shazul in the first chapter, and the artificer found a secret door. Not wanting to pull the lever, she asked the rest of the party if they wanted to open the door.
Two, the Warforged, simply glanced sideways at her and whispered "Flesh is weak." and pulled the lever.

Ironically, he rolled a 1 on a Strength check to break down the weakened wall at the end of the trapped hallway the door opened into.

2009-01-25, 07:07 AM
Holden was incredibly vain and had his hair enchanted with a permanent feather fall, so that when he would turn his head it would always bounce dramatically.

I am very interested to know what would happen if he fell far enough to need the feather fall for it's normal purpose. I get this image of all of his hair being ripped out and lazily drifting to the ground, while the now-bald dwarf simply plummets.

2009-01-25, 12:31 PM
OK, here are a few from different groups I've had over the years:

I joined a large (7-8 player) campaign after being away for a few years. Two players were sharing a character named Cale since they basically were alternating nights they were able to be there. The DM had it set up where it was almost a split personality, except it was two individuals trapped in one body somehow. Well, when the two guys eventually were able to start coming at the same time, the magic gave way and we had two separate characters, identical except for their eyes. The following is the ensuing conversation between the two players:

P: So what are we going to do about names?
W: I'll be Cale with a "C," you can be Kale with a "K."
P: I think they're going to need a bit more than that...

And another, unrelated session:

DM: Suddenly, your Caravan is attacked by ogres!
Paladin: I charge!
Ranger: I knock an arrow and look for the most dangerous target
Bard: I...I throw the baby to the ogres!
<Stunned Silence>

And yes, she actually did.

Frog Dragon
2009-01-25, 12:54 PM
These are all from my last session. We get easily distracted. The sorc has a trademark of summoning a badger in almost any given situation. We've done this a few times.

Sorc player: I summon a badger
(cue in badger music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOxR7rTYuSI)

Cleric player: I hit at the statue
Sorc player: Hmm suspicious...

Please note that i am translating these from finnish so they might not fit perfectly.

DM (me): You find a large storage of food.
Ranger player: Let's feed the sorc!
This needs a bit of explanation. Sorcerer gets easily shortened to "Sorsa" in finnish which in turn means a duck

After listening to never split the party
Sorc Player: Never let that damn thief out of sight...
[Everyone looks suspiciously at the rogue player]
Rogue Player: What?

2009-01-25, 01:55 PM
These are from my last session

A party of me a warforged healer and some mysterious woman with a magic box (played by DM) encounter a harpy. The warforged makes a slam attack against the harpy.

Me: hit it in the groin.
DM(shows me picture of harpy): look at the picture
Me: True, but it will still hurt

The woman character sometimes disappears for some reason and this came up.
Me: how are you doing that?
Captain(DM): Magic.

When the party came to a camp of goblins, the DM made a reference to Star Wars, with the phrase "it's a trap" when the warforged succeeded on a sense motive after I said that both the goblin and the party should put down their weapons.

In that same camp, I was lying prone and I attacked one goblin.
Me: I hit him in the groin, and he falls down while grabbing his groin in pain.
DM: No, it's more like you took a chunk out of his leg rupturing a major artery.

Mr Pants
2009-01-25, 02:25 PM
In one 3.x session our party bard yelled "Put those nuts in my mouth!" It's exactly what it sounds like.

In another we were in a cave or dungeon or something and the DM asks for a spot check. I was the only one that made it, so I saw some small creature scurry across the samurai's foot. The following ooc conversation occurs:
Me: Can I tell what it is?
DM: Nope
Ranger: It could be a baby!
Me: You're right! I better shoot it.

During an Unhallowed Metropolis session one of our doctors ran off with his syringe gun loaded with explosives to "go hunt that there zombie lord". As he was charging at the lord and its thousand other zombies he yelled "Relax, I'm a doctor!"

Also for some reason all of our UnMet sessions start with either me or the other doctor saying "So the Undertaker/Doctor walks into a bar..."

2009-01-25, 03:00 PM
I can think of a few out side of D&D, most of which related to absurd plans. My personal favorite being "crawl through the speaker tubes" and "your trying to light him on fire by super heating rocks with a burning branch?"

2009-01-25, 06:02 PM
I am very interested to know what would happen if he fell far enough to need the feather fall for it's normal purpose. I get this image of all of his hair being ripped out and lazily drifting to the ground, while the now-bald dwarf simply plummets.

That's probably exactly what I'd rule.

<Me> The ogre bullrushes you off the tower ledge. You fall to the ground.
<Holden> My feather fall hair keeps me from falling!
<Me> No, you take 1d4 damage from getting your hair and beard pulled out, and take 10d6 damage from falling 100 feet. Your hair drifts dramatically to the ground, gingerly falling on top of your now smashed head. At least you have a nice toupee for your funeral.

2009-01-26, 02:04 AM
I recently started GMing my first SWSE Game, the game consists of a scout, Sith(Jedi), and soldier. During our first session, they rode on a ship where they were ambushed by a large, destroyer class ship. The scout yelled, "There's like a million of them! (Flare!)" While the Sith tried to calm everyone down. They later crashed and here is how the conversation went, as far as I can remember.
Commander: Glad to see your awake!
[conversation between sith and soldier]
Sith:: Leans over and pukes on his new shoess:: Great.. those were new!
Soldier: ...
Scout: ::awakes, Blinks, looks up.::
Scout: Oh.. no.. They followed us here!
Commander: ::Face palm:: Why did I even bring you along.
Scout: Because, dad, you were hoping I would die
Commander: While I think you are horrible for my daughter, I respect her opinion!
Sith: Now lets just all calm down.
[several remarks about the commander's daughter later]
Commander ::Drags scout behind their ship, several loud thuds are heard followed by him walking out rubbing his hands with a dirty towel.
Sith: well, thats one way to do it.

I seem to have forgotten all the good parts of the game, but it caused me to spill all my coke onto my notes making them unreadable. Meaning I pretty much improved the rest of the session.

Unfortunately, I haven't had as many successful DnD games, seeing as our DM is out of commission.

2009-01-26, 06:24 AM
DnD 3.5:

Newbie player: what weapon should i use?
Me: Good clerics use the mace. Evil ones use the flail - it has a wider crit range.

A giant tentacled slug is crushing a high-level paladin, two low-level clerics watch in terror
Me(DM): the clerics' turn. what do they do?
Cheater(another DM): nothing. Larr(the paladin) told them to stay away
Me: well they could still pray
Cheater: yeah, "dear God have mercy on your faithful servant Larr"

a little later:
Me, to the barbarian: the slug grabs the paladin with all its tentacles and throws at you
Cheater: Paladin ranged touch attack. It's a Holy weapon, too bad you're CG

Meriott(a LE Rogue obsessed with everyone else's Good behaviour): Hey slug, what good have you done this week?
Me: The slug looks spitefully at you. Its maws expression hints that not only has it done nothing good this week, but also plans not to do anything at least two weeks after it devours the party.

the party wonders where to get money for ressurection
Me: well you could always sell a party member into slavery
Barb: can't, i'm CG, not CE
Me: well you could always sell yourself into slavery

SWSE campaign, I play a Miraluka Noble, Talen plays a Taung Soldier with an ysalamiri pet
DM: the strange emptiness on Talen's shoulder stares at you
Me: I poke the emptiness
DM: the emptiness attempts to bite at your finger

DM: the spaceport control inquires the purpose of your arrival
Me: I would like to establish a mining franchise on this Force-forgotten planet
DM: let me make an INT check to see if the guy understood that...

A d20 Modern campaign loosely based on Doom 3
a new marine gets questioned by the company psychologists
Me(DM): What did you have for breakfast today, marine?
Dan: Bacon and eggs, sir!
Me: and where exactly did you get bacon and eggs on a marine drop vessel?
Dan: out of a tube, sir!