overly active gods

[Thoughtbot360]

Re-posted from here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3840742&postcount=74) cuz its funny:

Guard: STOP! THIEF!
Theif: Help me out here, Olidamara!
*Olidamara manifests beside the guard*
Olidamara: Okay, this thief is under my protection, let him go or I'll smite you.
Guard: But...but...I made a vow to St. Cuthbert that I'd never let a criminal get away for as long as I live!
*Saint Cuthbert manifests on the other side of the guard*
Cuthbert: That's right, and you better keep your promise-I'm lawful so I'm verrrrrry particular about promises!
Thief: Running away now.
*Nerull manifests so as to get in the way of the Thief's get away*
Nerull: NO! You're not going anywhere! I know for a fact that Thievery is punishable by death in this town, and since I despise all life, even my own clerics-but I let them live as long as they keep killing people. By the way-CLERICS! ARE YOU STILL SACRIFICING ORPHANS IN MY NAME!?
Clerics in the distance: *sob* Yes, lord Nerull, please don't kill us!
Nerull: So anyway, If you run away, I'll smite you!
Theif: But if I don't run away, I'll die anyway!
Nerull: I know. I like see mortals squirm in hopelessness. AIN'T THAT RIGHT CLERICS!?
Clerics: S-sir, yes sir, that's quite right! *cries* H-here comes another sacrifice, sir!
Moradin: OI! That Orphan's a Dwarf! Hands off him, you fruity cultists!
Corelian: Stupid Moradin, always trying to one-up me... Alright, St. Cuthbert, lay off the guard, he's a half-elf.
Cuthbert: Oh, you never cared about half-breeds before, you just want don't want Moradin showing you off. You only really care about pure-blood elves.
Garl Glittergold: What a second, that thief is a gnome!
Fharlangh: HEY! You're all crowding up the roads! Move it!
Pelor: Is that Sun Screen? HOW DARE YOU!
Mayor: HELP US, ADVENTURERS! Our town is overrun by Gods that we can't all please them all!
Player Character:......... I'm not sure if I should say "Gods dammit!" or "Dammit, gods!"

[KIDS]

It's very fun! Not to mention that the described circus happens for real when DMs take "gods grant power" in their settings too seriously... :smallsmile:

[PrGo]

Mwahahahaha!! I haven't laughed this hard since my DM described burning villagers running around :smalltongue:

Thanks for posting it here :smallbiggrin:

[Curmudgeon]

The Greek Gods were all Chaotic Absent-Minded. Too bad Gygax didn't think to include that in the D&D alignment system.

[Tsotha-lanti]

More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"

Edit: Chaotic Furry?

[Narmoth]

the word disgusting springs to mind.
really, I think the pantheons in D&D are to harmonic, granting spells to their followers but not demanding them fight the followers of other gods

[Tsotha-lanti]

That doesn't sound like the gods of Faerûn at all, to me. They're very active through their followers (when it's not the Time of Troubles...). Thing is, it's up to the DM just how active they are, and up to the DM to portray it.

[Istari]

ROTFLOL

Great story! :smallbiggrin:

[V'icternus]

Oh my...

I've never seen Gods acting so hilariously before.

I wonder if the God of peace would try and get the rest to calm down, only to be subdued by the god of general dietic violence... :smalltongue:

[shadzar]

That is why smart players remember that the DM is the true god. Even over Ao.

That way this crap don't happen.

Looks a bit like the Disney Hercules cartoon series being played out.

[SurlySeraph]

Epic. Just epic. I particularly like Pelor's role.

[RTGoodman]

Edit: Chaotic Furry?

I, uh... kinda want to Google that because I'm thinkin' that's the first time that phrase has ever been used in an alignment context, but I'm so afraid of what might actually appear if I did so... :smalleek:

[Mando Knight]

More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"

Edit: Chaotic Furry?

How about Chaotic Omnisexual?

[Zaq]

More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"

Edit: Chaotic Furry?

To be fair to the mortal ladies, whether they wanted to or not really didn't make any difference.

Then of course you have to wonder... what was worse, Zeus forcing his affections on you in the form of [INSERT RANDOM ANIMAL AND/OR PHENOMENON HERE], or Hera getting all pissy about it afterward and taking it out on you?

I've long since said that if you're a mortal, the last thing you want is for a Greek god to notice you. The best-case scenario is that you end up as a constellation. It's like being the title character in a Shakespearean play... you're going to get some attention, but in the end, you're really going to wish you hadn't.

[Woodsman]

More like Chaotic Horny. "I'm going to go find some chicks who want to do it with a swan!"



Or goat. Or horse. Or bull.

Etc.

[raptor1056]

Or goat. Or horse. Or bull.

Etc.

Or shower of molten gold.

[chiasaur11]

To be fair to the mortal ladies, whether they wanted to or not really didn't make any difference.

Then of course you have to wonder... what was worse, Zeus forcing his affections on you in the form of [INSERT RANDOM ANIMAL AND/OR PHENOMENON HERE], or Hera getting all pissy about it afterward and taking it out on you?

I've long since said that if you're a mortal, the last thing you want is for a Greek god to notice you. The best-case scenario is that you end up as a constellation. It's like being the title character in a Shakespearean play... you're going to get some attention, but in the end, you're really going to wish you hadn't.

Odysseus came out okay in the end.

Mind, he went through ten years of hell, and in Dante's Inferno an eternity of it, but in the classic version, things came out all right in the end.

[Steward]

Yeah, but nearly everyone he left with died.

[Starbuck_II]

Yeah, but nearly everyone he left with died.

Red Shirts have to die or the hero might. Star Trek rule.

[Asheram]

I've long since said that if you're a mortal, the last thing you want is for a Greek god to notice you. The best-case scenario is that you end up as a constellation. It's like being the title character in a Shakespearean play... you're going to get some attention, but in the end, you're really going to wish you hadn't.

(Words spoken between a young boy and a soldier to the background of a witchhunt in the Mouse quarter, Malaz City)

"Is it true then?" Ganoes asked boldly.
"Is what true?"
"The First Sword of Empire. Dassem Ultor. We heard in the capital before we left. He's dead. Is it true? Is Dassem dead?"
The man seemed to flinch, his gaze unwavering on the Mouse. "Such is war." he muttered, under his breath, as if the words were not meant for anyone else's ears.
"You're with the Third. I thought the Third was with him, in Seven Cities. At Y'Ghatan..."
"Hoods breath, they're still looking for his body in the still hot rubble of that damned city, and here you are, a merchant's son three thousand leagues from Seven Cities with information only a few are supposed to possess." He still did not turn. "I know not of your sources, but take my advice and keep what you know to yourself."
Ganoes shrugged. "It's said he betrayed a god."
Finally the man faced him. His face was scarred, and something that might have been a burn marred his jaw and left cheek. For all that, he looked young for a commander. "Heed the lesson there, son."
"What lesson?"
"Every decision you make can change the world. The best life is the one the gods don't notice. You want to live free, boy, live quietly."
"I want to be a soldier. A hero."
"You'll grow out of it."

Excerpt from Gardens of the Moon, by Steven Erikson.

I just thought it quite suitable for the discussion

[Forbiddenwar]

Odysseus came out okay in the end.

Mind, he went through ten years of hell, and in Dante's Inferno an eternity of it, but in the classic version, things came out all right in the end.

Yes he did quite fine after he was stabbed to death by his son and his body was cast into the sea.

[J.Gellert]

Odysseus didn't spend 10 years of hell... His journeys actually sum up to 1 year or so. The man spent 9 years with that stunningly beautiful immortal sea nymph (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calypso_(mythology)). Alone. On a tiny island. How bad could it have been?

As for Telegonus, well... (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DisContinuity) Homer didn't write that anyway.

[SurlySeraph]

Yeah, but nearly everyone he left with died.

Fixed.postlength

[Devils_Advocate]

I remember reading a thread somewhere on how to create a believable fantasy story. One suggestion put forth was that a world with spellcasting should contain either (a) an explanation for why wizards don't rule the world or (b) a coalition of wizards who damn well rule the friggin' world.

If a setting has gods who function essentially as super-powerful wizards, their non-rule is potentially even more problematic than that of mortal spellcasters, for the same reasons.

There are many possible explanations for why gods, wizards, and/or sufficiently advanced aliens (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SufficientlyAdvancedAlien) might not render a non-superhuman protagonist's decisions irrelevant. Probably the most plausible is that while they are far more powerful than individual humans and do rule, they don't have anything like the ability to micromanage everything directly, and will only intervene in the most important of cases.

If Olidammara has thousands of thieves pestering him at any given time, he can't give all of them his personal attention. In addition, he has interests other than bailing out your lame mortal ass when you get in over your head. Heck, "To avoid being punished for something, don't get caught doing it" is probably one of his teachings. Not his fault if you can't follow such simple advice.

[chiasaur11]

Odysseus didn't spend 10 years of hell... His journeys actually sum up to 1 year or so. The man spent 9 years with that stunningly beautiful immortal sea nymph (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calypso_(mythology)). Alone. On a tiny island. How bad could it have been?

As for Telegonus, well... (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DisContinuity) Homer didn't write that anyway.

Heh. Forgot that bit due to thinking of Christopher Bird's Odysseus Doctor Strange team up plot at mightygodking. Agreed on the Telegonus bit, by the way. Odysseus is one of the few greek myth guys to be actually tactical and manage to piss off gods and get away with it. Having him star in "Foolish mortals try to defy prophecies of their sons killing them part LXXVIII: This time it's personal" just plays wrong.

[dspeyer]

Odysseus didn't spend 10 years of hell... His journeys actually sum up to 1 year or so. The man spent 9 years with that stunningly beautiful immortal sea nymph (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calypso_(mythology)). Alone. On a tiny island. How bad could it have been?

Odysseus ... was on the sea-shore as usual, looking out upon the barren ocean with tears in his eyes, groaning and breaking his heart for sorrow.

[ Odysseus was] sitting upon the beach with his eyes ever filled with tears, and dying of sheer home-sickness; for he had got tired of Calypso, and though he was forced to sleep with her in the cave by night, it was she, not he, that would have it so. As for the day time, he spent it on the rocks and on the sea-shore, weeping, crying aloud for his despair, and always looking out upon the sea.

Both from book 5 of the Odyssey.

[Thoughtbot360]

Mwahahahaha!! I haven't laughed this hard since my DM described burning villagers running around :smalltongue:

Thanks for posting it here :smallbiggrin:

I think Pelor (or somebody at least) is about create some burning villagers to run around......



The Greek Gods were all Chaotic Absent-Minded. Too bad Gygax didn't think to include that in the D&D alignment system.

*reads the 15+ subsequent posts about Greek mythology* ....and some ripples create big waves.

Chaos theory or Murphy's law? YOU DECIDE!

[Steward]

Fixed.postlength

Yeah, what kind of Hero is that?

SUPERMAN: The laser vaporized the entire planet. No survivors.
BATMAN: Did you capture Luthor?
SUPERMAN: That was my job!? Shoot!

[DamnedIrishman]

Odysseus ... was on the sea-shore as usual, looking out upon the barren ocean with tears in his eyes, groaning and breaking his heart for sorrow.

[ Odysseus was] sitting upon the beach with his eyes ever filled with tears, and dying of sheer home-sickness; for he had got tired of Calypso, and though he was forced to sleep with her in the cave by night, it was she, not he, that would have it so. As for the day time, he spent it on the rocks and on the sea-shore, weeping, crying aloud for his despair, and always looking out upon the sea.

Both from book 5 of the Odyssey.

Yes, well I'd say that too if I got home and found out my wife had been waiting for me for the past ten twenty years.


According to Hesiod, Calypso bore Odysseus two children: Nausithous and Nausinous.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

[Devils_Advocate]

The Greek gods certainly tended to act like... well, about like I'd expect mortals to act if given godlike power. But they hardly all had exactly the same character.

Hestia seems pretty much Good. Ares really was Chaotic Evil. Hades, on the other hand, wasn't especially bad. Zeus and Aphrodite were not Chaotic Good; they were self-serving hedonists.

Others I'm not so sure about. To complicate matters, the character of any god probably significantly depends on which bodies of myth you look at. The most direct interpretation of this is probably that the gods changed in personality over time. (What, you think being immortal means staying the same forever?)

[Optimystik]

the word disgusting springs to mind.
really, I think the pantheons in D&D are to harmonic, granting spells to their followers but not demanding them fight the followers of other gods

If it's theistic conflict you want, Forgotten Realms has plenty. Clerics of Shar can't join until they kill a cleric of Selune, Clerics of Malar hunt members of Lurue's faith, etc.

[TSED]

Yes he did quite fine after he was stabbed to death by his son and his body was cast into the sea.

Uh, you're thinking of Oedipus here, wrong greek myth.

[Kris Strife]

If it's theistic conflict you want, Forgotten Realms has plenty. Clerics of Shar can't join until they kill a cleric of Selune, Clerics of Malar hunt members of Lurue's faith, etc.

Grumsh and Correllion both have their followers hunt and kill followers of the other...

[Tsotha-lanti]

If it's theistic conflict you want, Forgotten Realms has plenty. Clerics of Shar can't join until they kill a cleric of Selune, Clerics of Malar hunt members of Lurue's faith, etc.

Then there was the whole Cyricist pogroms against Banites, then the Xvimite/Banite pogroms against Cyricists, the resulting split of the Zhentarim, and the continuing warfare...

[hamishspence]

no- Odysseus was stabbed by a son who he did not know he had sired, wielding a stingray sting-tipped spear.

[Tsotha-lanti]

Crikey, that's one mad Scylla!

[hamishspence]

The son's name was Telegonus- his mother was Circe, and the story is called the Telegony.

EDIT: Apparently its already been mentioned.

[Thoughtbot360]

Crikey, that's one mad Scylla!

And now I have an image of Steve Irwin riding Rodeo on top of one of the heads of a six-headed, twelve footed monster in my head.

[PnP Fan]

And now I have an image of Steve Irwin riding Rodeo on top of one of the heads of a six-headed, twelve footed monster in my head.

<sigh>
It's still too soon. . ..
;-)

[Asheram]

And now I have an image of Steve Irwin riding Rodeo on top of one of the heads of a six-headed, twelve footed monster in my head.

Of course. Steve Irwin ascended to godhood and now lords over all the reckless adventurers out there.


Edit- Now when I think of it, I ought to stat him out. I'm sure my halfling knight would love to worship him.