Hero Complex

[DrizztFan24]

So does anyone else seem to suffer from a hero complex? I find myself willing to sacrifice alot on my part to help others. I don't know if it's just a teenage thing or if it is a guy thing or if it is just a thing. I like to think that I am trying to keep chivalry alive and maybe that has something to do with it. But seriously, does anyone else find themselves extremely willing to assist another or shield others from harms physical, emotional, or even financial?

[TSED]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a guy thing.

Not a teenager any more either, although that's relatively recent.

[LXH]

Nah, not a guy thing. It's a mix of trying too hard to get people to like you and loving to feel needed. I resort to this behavior all too often.

[Coidzor]

My current best friend has a bit of a martyr/hero complex where he seems to desire to put himself into situations where he hurts himself and denies himself and sacrifices of himself to help/better others. It's especially annoying since it's almost universally women he targets and he usually would be better off just asking 'em out, but instead he does this hero shtick and targets women who are not really available in any real sense of the word, so he ends up hurting himself even more when the little bit of himself that actually acknowledges desire is repeatedly stifled by himself and trampled by the object of his affection/adoration/quest.

...^:LXH: Yeah that much more concisely puts what I was going for.

[Pyrian]

I have a saying about helping people:

When you're in a boat trying to help somebody in the water, make sure that you're pulling them into the boat rather than them pulling you into the water. :smallcool:

[Chaelos]

I wouldn't call it a hero complex, but I've experienced similar sentiments.

In alignment terms, I call it "Pragmatic Decent"--you want to do the right thing, and generally do go out of your way to help people, but there's a limit to how much you're willing to do.

[LXH]

An only slightly exaggerated phone call between myself and any random friend:

Me: "Hey, how's everything going?"
Friend: "Oh, things could be better. I have (insert worry/concern here) coming up and I'm not sure if I'll be able to manage it.
Me: "Let me know if I can do anything. Do you need money?"
Friend: "Erm...no, I'm just going to have to-"
Me: "I HAVE MONEY IF YOU NEED MONEY DO YOU NEED MONIEZZZZZ??!?!"

I recently traveled to another country to help another friend move. One who quit speaking to me a month later.

Also just finished writing letters of character testimony for a friend who was in danger of losing his clearance. Even bought tickets to fly across country to offer personal endorsement at his hearing, only to find out he's been telling people about my whole trans thing despite my deliberately requesting not to do that. Apparently he's embarrassed by it and wanted to preempt questions from others. He also neglected to tell me until three days prior that I'd be sharing space in his house with his brother, whom I have a pretty bad history with, and his brother's family. Needless to say, the trip is off.

In short, I am a sucker and go way out of my way for people who don't deserve it. It is a huge problem and not one you'll necessarily outgrow when your teenage years end.

[DrizztFan24]

I have a saying about helping people:

When you're in a boat trying to help somebody in the water, make sure that you're pulling them into the boat rather than them pulling you into the water. :smallcool:

Except I would be perfectly willing to pull him into the boat and fall out at the same time. I would do so if necssary because I know how to swim. If my brain tells me I can rebound from the situation within a mild time frame then I am perfectly willing to commit to the action. For the boat, if they can't swim or are having troubles and I can only pull them in by falling off the other side, it's gonna happen. I'm not willing to let them hang there.


Nah, not a guy thing. It's a mix of trying too hard to get people to like you and loving to feel needed. I resort to this behavior all too often.

So does that mean that my subconcious is telling me that I try too hard to get people to like me? Because that goes against pretty well everything else I do. I act myself and if someone responds favorably I will pursue a potential friendship. If they do not, or if I find them to be unsuitable, I am sure to not create a potentially damaging friendship. I have a knack for social situations (yay for concious body language analysis) and hardly act desperate, at least my brain is telling me I'm not.

@Most recent LXH post
Ok, I'm not quite like that.

[LXH]

Except I would be perfectly willing to pull him into the boat and fall out at the same time. I would do so if necssary because I know how to swim. If my brain tells me I can rebound from the situation within a mild time frame then I am perfectly willing to commit to the action. For the boat, if they can't swim or are having troubles and I can only pull them in by falling off the other side, it's gonna happen. I'm not willing to let them hang there.


So does that mean that my subconcious is telling me that I try too hard to get people to like me? Because that goes against pretty well everything else I do. I act myself and if someone responds favorably I will pursue a potential friendship. If they do not, or if I find them to be unsuitable, I am sure to not create a potentially damaging friendship. I have a knack for social situations (yay for concious body language analysis) and hardly act desperate, at least my brain is telling me I'm not.
I really couldn't tell you. I'm only now sort of figuring out why I do these kinds of things. If I were to look at myself honestly, I'd suggest the actions are in some part to create a debt between myself and the friend, thus lessening the chance of them leaving. I've had plenty of friends and family turn their backs on me, especially in recent years. It's left me fairly traumatized. I've recently noticed that when I feel a friendship is about to turn sour, I'll panic and cut off contact because I don't want to risk having it done to me first. It's painful, to say the least, but it's also been terribly unhealthy.

Oh, and to clarify because I think my previous post makes me look kind of nuts:
1) The friend I traveled to another country for was, at the time, my current romantic partner off and on for over two years. That last sentence is an abomination.
2) The one I was going to testify for was my best friend from the Air Force days, and we had been trying to meet up for a few years now with no success.

Hopefully, the craziness has been slightly mitigated.

[Trizap]

nah, not really, I'm too Chaotic Neutral to have that complex.

though I do have a slight case of egomania because I'm awesome :smalltongue:

[Pyrian]

Except I would be perfectly willing to pull him into the boat and fall out at the same time.The point, DrizztFan24, is that ~99% of the time, like the example I gave, that's simply not how life works. You have no such choice to pull them into the boat while falling overboard - that will not work, you will find that you are merely overboard and they're still overboard, and that is exactly what most people with "hero complexes" end up accomplishing: a great deal of self-sacrifice to no significant long-term improvement in others' lives. To help others, you must keep your own feet solidly beneath yourself. Improvement radiates out from a position of strength, not from a position of self-sacrifice.

[Xondoure]

My problem is similar, but even weirder. I go out of my way to help people, especially emotionally, and try to be a genuinely nice person to those around me. According to said people, I do it pretty well. The weird thing is, only around 50% of the people I meet think of me in a positive manner, and of those only about 5% do I come to know on friendly terms, and when I ask those who don't, why they dislike me, none of them can give an answer. They just do. Maybe its because I'm to geeky, or the world is filled with ass holes. One of the two.

[Pyrian]

People are generally highly reluctant to give a straight answer as to why they do not like the individual they are talking to.

[LXH]

People are generally highly reluctant to give a straight answer as to why they do not like the individual they are talking to.

I use the Santa Claus/"where do babies come from?" standard for that one. If they're mature enough to ask the question, they're mature enough to hear the answer. :smalltongue:

[Kjata]

People are generally highly reluctant to give a straight answer as to why they do not like the individual they are talking to.

Seriously...

Back when everybody hated me, nobody would tell me why. Looking back now, I understand.

I was around when nobody there wanted me there.

[THAC0]

I dunno, but while being menaced by a moose the other day, I was fully prepared to attract it's attention while my friend ran away. Of course, I was the one with the bear mace, so this was only fair.

[OverdrivePrime]

I'm 32 and I don't think I suffer from a hero complex, I enjoy it quite a lot. Experiencing a little discomfort in order to help others is extremely rewarding to me.


The point, DrizztFan24, is that ~99% of the time, like the example I gave, that's simply not how life works. You have no such choice to pull them into the boat while falling overboard - that will not work, you will find that you are merely overboard and they're still overboard, and that is exactly what most people with "hero complexes" end up accomplishing: a great deal of self-sacrifice to no significant long-term improvement in others' lives. To help others, you must keep your own feet solidly beneath yourself. Improvement radiates out from a position of strength, not from a position of self-sacrifice.

I think I understand what you're saying. However, there are plenty of self-styled altruists out here who have the foresight to shape their own life into a rock-solid foundation - emotionally, financially, socially and otherwise. I find that in that way, a person can can give of himself when necessary, yet still not endanger his ability to continue to give aid in the future.

[Pyrian]

If they're mature enough to ask the question, they're mature enough to hear the answer.I wonder. My suspicion is that people mature enough to hear the answer are the ones who do not feel the need to ask. Certainly, for my own part, the point at which I attained sufficient wisdom to take requested criticism well, I also mostly stopped asking such questions. ...Or perhaps I just stopped asking. :smalltongue: Or caring...


I think I understand what you're saying. However, there are plenty of self-styled altruists out here who have the foresight to shape their own life into a rock-solid foundation - emotionally, financially, socially and otherwise. I find that in that way, a person can can give of himself when necessary, yet still not endanger his ability to continue to give aid in the future.No need for a "however"; I would say that that is exactly what I was trying to speak in favor of. :smallcool:

[Je dit Viola]

So does anyone else seem to suffer from a hero complex? I find myself willing to sacrifice alot on my part to help others. I don't know if it's just a teenage thing or if it is a guy thing or if it is just a thing. I like to think that I am trying to keep chivalry alive and maybe that has something to do with it. But seriously, does anyone else find themselves extremely willing to assist another or shield others from harms physical, emotional, or even financial?


That totally describe me...but I don't see any problem with it. What's wrong with helping others and being self-sacrificing? Nothing, as far as I can see.

Regarding that falling-out-of-boat-example...how do you fall out of the boat of life helping someone else get in? In the metaphor, it makes sense, but in context of what it symbolizes...I can't seem to get it to make sense. Sorry, maybe my Brain of + ? Heroics is broken right now.

P.S. I pretty much agree with OverdrivePrime - it makes a bit more sense to me.

[Pyrian]

Regarding that falling-out-of-boat-example...how do you fall out of the boat of life helping someone else get in? In the metaphor, it makes sense, but in context of what it symbolizes...I can't seem to get it to make sense.While I don't know what exactly has happened in his situation since, a terrific example is what was going on with Ranis not too long ago over in RW&A:

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6221925&postcount=105

If he lets his girlfriend derail his career - and note that I don't think he will, but many in his situation are not as well grounded - then he's effectively cost himself, her (or future SO), and quite frankly the whole world a possibly substantial chunk of his potential lifetime productivity. And, all she really gets out of it is a little more of his time, which will probably only delay her recovery and her gaining the ability to stand on her own feet.

These sorts of things are not, IMO, exceptions at all, but are really incredibly common. I could write about examples I've known personally all day long. And really, the OP pretty much wrote himself into the category in my book by saying he suffers for it. That's a bad sign.

[DamnedIrishman]

People are generally highly reluctant to give a straight answer as to why they do not like the individual they are talking to.

I get around this by not speaking to people that I don't like.
:smallsmile:

[Exeson]

I have a crippling superiority complex, does that count?

But really, a lot of people do have a 'Hero' complex, and whilst I'm a cynic and would usually say it is because you want lots of friends to watch your back later on today I feel slightly different.

I do think that helping people makes you feel good, and the more you sacrifice the better. It feels nice to see your friends smile because at the end of the day it makes you smile too.

Plus, seeing as life is meaningless beyond existing then just do whatever makes you feel good.

[Collin152]

I have what I refer to as a "Villain Complex", in that I'm compelled to make others suffer in whatever menial way I can (sort of like in Ruddigore, but differant), while at the same time believing myself to be the single most important and wonderful thing in the universe.

Except for the other part of me, he's Neutral Good. And the other, smaller parts, who don't matter.

[alchemyprime]

I have this (like my fellow Prime, Overdrive, apparently.)

I have found that different people need different sacrifices.

Some need a shoulder to cry on.

Some need cash.

Some need advice.

And others need to see the reality they insist is real.

That last one is as such: my former ex-girlfriend, before the break-up, was convinced everyone hated her when no one did. All of my friends accepted her, and quite a few liked her a lot.

The problem is, her insisting everyone hated her and I wasn't giving enough (considering she got more time than school and work combined for a part time toy clerk and a full time student...) was killing me. Hoenstly gave me peptic ulcers and ruined my already pitiful immune system.

So I stopped helping. At all. And I let my friends help me heal up. And she got crushed because, as my brother put it, "people don't **** with us. Its not because we can take them. Its because we have together over two hundred bat **** crazy friends. And most of them collect weapons for a hobby or took up martial arts."

So all my friends decided they wouldn't be on good terms with her until I was. Some went further, to say she had to show a big improvment romantically, socially and morally as well. And so far its hurting her and me, but at least the problems are less now.

Anywho...

if we all have hero complexes, I call Green Lantern of the psychotic Justice League!

[Crow]

Is your hero complex more directed towards members of the opposite sex?

I have a rule that I live by for such things;

Never do anything for a woman that you wouldn't do for a man who you have known for the same amount of time.

[TheThan]

Some people are just natural heroes, like Captain America.

While others have to work at it… like Iron Man.

[Renegade Paladin]

I don't suffer from a hero complex; I'm enjoying every minute of it. :smallbiggrin:

[DamnedIrishman]

Is your hero complex more directed towards members of the opposite sex?

That's not a hero complex, it's mild flirtation.
I definitely have the latter, not the former.



Never do anything for a woman that you wouldn't do for a man who you have known for the same amount of time.

That, sir, is not gentlemanly.

[Crow]

That, sir, is not gentlemanly.

I am polite and helpful to everybody I meet, though. Regardless of sex.

[Warpfire]

Well I never have to worry about having a hero complex, because I'm a selfish jerk :D

You should try it, it's great.

[DamnedIrishman]

I am polite and helpful to everybody I meet, though. Regardless of sex.

Your gentlemanly status is reinstated.

[xPANCAKEx]

i used to have serious white night/savior complex stuff going on... now im actively aware that i go out of my way to help others (usually those who don't diserve it) in an attempt to not resolve my own insecurities

true story

[Collin152]

Your gentlemanly status is reinstated.

But only if he owns land.

[DamnedIrishman]

But only if he owns land.

One can be gentry without being landed gentry. It's all a matter of breeding, sirrah.

[SDF]

I think I'm too much of a high mach to want to protect or shelter people from the world. I usually play things straight with people, and generally my closest friends do too. For example one of our friends was driving everyone crazy with x problems and issues he needed to work out. One night he came in and noticed everyone upset with him. He asked why everyone was so upset and we pretty much went step by step through everything he was doing wrong. Quite candidly I might add, we weren't out to be mean to him or degrade him, just to let him know the score. At the same time I try to be supportive too, and about a year and a half after the fact he is a lot more mature and appreciative of everyone for telling him what was what.

[Vuzzmop]

I'm starting to think I may have the makings of a super-villain. I think way too much to be a hero.