Whoah? Marriage?!

[Yarram]

Well, I was doing the facebook thing, chatting to friends, ladidadida etc. I'm young, as in 17 young, and so is this friend I'm talking too, who left school last year to get an apprenticeship, anyway, I'll cut to the chase. He had been married. I'm like wtf?!?!?! because it's kinda the last thing I expected, and I wouldn't really ever think about that kind of thing, but I am a little disturbed by it.
It may be a religious thing for him though, but I won't go into it, but is anyone else a little disturbed by under 18's marrying?

[BizzaroStormy]

Not really. If the two people love each other and are ready for marriage then so be it. Why should age be such a major factor?

[Yarram]

Not really. If the two people love each other and are ready for marriage then so be it. Why should age be such a major factor?

Maturity? I know I'm not mature enough to make a life decision like that. My friend is a more together guy than I am, but I hope he doesn't regret this later. Especially, because he's a religious person, so divorce isn't an option.

[Mauve Shirt]

"Soulmates" like that should get promise rings or something until at least one of them is finished with their education and/or is no longer dependent on their parents for food/shelter/money. I'd say both of them. Is he or she either of those?

[kjones]

Maturity? I know I'm not mature enough to make a life decision like that. My friend is a more together guy than I am, but I hope he doesn't regret this later. Especially, because he's a religious person, so divorce isn't an option.

Before you mentioned the religious aspect, I was going to point out that statistically, people who marry younger are more likely to divorce. That doesn't necessarily mean anything for this individual case, but the problem as I see it is that there can be a big difference between who you are at 18 and who you are at 30, and just because you love one doesn't mean you love the other.

Of course, there are other questions to ask - how long have they been together? Have they ever lived together before? Have they ever dated anyone else besides each other? If they haven't been dating/engaged for long, never lived together, and never dated anyone else... well, that can be trouble.

On the other hand, if this is the only way the guy can get any for religious reasons, I can't say I blame him.

[BizzaroStormy]

Age does not equal maturity. I've seen plenty of immature people ranging from ages 3 to 50, that's right, 50. The main questions I can see are:

- Do they honestly want to be married?
- Do they have the means (Income, shelter, ect.) to live together?
- Are they getting married because of love or other reasons?

[kjones]

I would say that while there is no causative relationship between age and maturity, there is a correlation. An older person is probably more mature than a younger person.

[Nameless]

The way I see it, is let them. Personally I wouldn’t get 17, possibly not even 25. But if they want to get married, that’s not for me or anyone else to judge and I wouldn’t hold anything against them.
If it’s a mistake, then fine. People need to make their own mistakes in life, it’s how we learn.

[Mr. Mud]

Nameless, once again, just said everything I was about too :smallannoyed::smalltongue:.

No, but as long as they know what they're getting into, and aren't afraid of what might happen, sure get married. If it doesn't work out it's not going to kill you, usually, and if it does, all the moew power to you :smallamused:.

[kjones]

No, but as long as they know what they're getting into, and aren't afraid of what might happen, sure get married.

Those are some pretty big ifs.

I think the potential consequences are more dire than just an unhappy marriage - if you have kids, I think you owe it to them to have a stable relationship with your partner. Marital strife and divorce can be really harmful to children.

I know they're probably not having kids yet, but I imagine they will at some point, and I think that if you want to have kids, you have some responsibilities.

I'm not trying to say that young people shouldn't get married - the parents of some of my friends got married young, and are still happily together. My girlfriend and I have even talked about marriage (we're 20) but decided that we're not ready. I just think that before you get married, there are a lot of things that you should think about - and that these are exactly the sorts of things that 18-year-olds are bad at thinking about.

(There's some science behind that last statement - this National Geographic article (http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/health-and-human-body/human-body/mind-brain.html) talks about how


"The executive brain doesn't hit adult levels until the age of 25," says Jay Giedd of the National Institute of Mental Health, one of the lead scientists on the neuroimaging studies. "At puberty, you have adult passions, sex drive, energy, and emotion, but the reining in doesn't happen until much later." It is no wonder, perhaps, that teenagers seem to lack good judgment or the ability to restrain impulses. "We can vote at 18," says Giedd, "and drive a car. But you can't rent a car until you're 25. In terms of brain anatomy, the only ones who have it right are the car-rental people."


which I think is worth considering - the part of your brain that controls good judgement is not fully developed when you're 18.)

[Erloas]

Well there is a lot more to age then just maturity, that being experience with life. I work with a lot of people in their 40s-50s that aren't what I would call mature, but they still have a lot of personal experience that you simply can't get without age. Even having dated extensively and had a lot of jobs and "things" to deal with by the time you are 17-18 (which isn't really possible) most people do not have any real perspective on their life.
An individuals world changes a lot between the ages of about 16-25.
Its almost impossible to really know someone (in the long term sense) at the age of 17 because they don't really know themselves either, at least most of the time. There are always exceptions, but it is not common.

Its definitely possible to find someone that you will get along with forever at that age, but its almost more luck then anything else. Its usually the first 3-5 years of marriage that give people the most trouble and when you start that young that will be right in the middle of doing everything else that will have a major impact on the rest of your life. Such as college and starting a career.


That said, its not the sort of thing anyone can tell anyone else (especially teenagers) about, so you just have to let them do what they are going to do and hope it works out for the best.

I know at various points in the last few years I thought about the fact that at my same age my parents had kids of X age and how that just seems crazy to me. The kids made it through just fine, the marriage however, didn't.

As for the religious aspect of it, that can be a big help or it can be even more problems. Some people it helps them work out their problems and others it makes them feel trapped so they don't leave even if it is best for them. One of my friend's mom was raised very strictly religious so it was like she always had to get married before some things so she got married fairly quickly to a lot of people. She had 3 different kids to 3 different husbands and has been married 3-4 times since then as well, simply because her religious upbringing made her insist on getting married long before she had dated guys enough to know if it was going to work.

[Trog]

It was a teen-aged wedding and the old folks wished them well.
You could see that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle.
And now the young monsieur and madame have rung the chapel bell.
"C'est la vie," say the old folks – it goes to show you never can tell. :smallsmile:

[Freefall]

Age does not equal maturity.

No, but speaking as someone in their mid-forties, I'd say there is a strong correlation.

[charl]

People used to marry at 13-14 all the time in the olden days. It's not that shocking.

[Erloas]

People used to marry at 13-14 all the time in the olden days. It's not that shocking.

People did a lot of things in the "olden days," that doesn't mean they were good ideas though. Its possible, and has been done throughout history, for people have babies when they are 13-14, but that doesn't mean its a good idea either. It was also different in those eras of history where 40 was considered a wise old man rather then being middle aged.

I also don't think most people think its shocking so much as that its a very rash and under-thought out decision.

[Flame of Anor]

Well, "if they're ready" might be mutually exclusive with "under 18".

And the 13-14yo marriages were probably marriages of convenience. If that's what you're looking for in a marriage, then okay, because the convenience will probably last. A love match is almost certainly premature before age 20.

[kjones]

People used to marry at 13-14 all the time in the olden days. It's not that shocking.

That was back when life expectancy was 40. It's a little different nowadays.

Furthermore, most marriages back then were arranged.

[Flame of Anor]

Although let me remind you that, for men who got to adulthood and women who got past childbearing, life expectancy was much higher than 40. That figure is a product of high infant mortality.

[Joran]

People used to marry at 13-14 all the time in the olden days. It's not that shocking.

Never mind that in the olden days, marriage was more of a business arrangement rather than an act of love.

I do find it odd, but that's because I don't know anyone who's gotten married that young. I think the earliest someone got married in my social group was at 25.

[Mystic Muse]

there's also anullments for religious people who aren't interested in divorce.

age isn't necesarrily a factor. I'm 16 and I think I'm more mature than some of my relatives who are in their 20s.

[Telonius]

Every case is different. There are some times when people are ready to marry at 17. There are (probably a lot more) times when they aren't. There are some times when people are never ready to marry. There are some arranged marriages and shotgun weddings that work out into extremely loving relationships; there are others that turn out to be total disasters for all parties involved.

[Erloas]

Although let me remind you that, for men who got to adulthood and women who got past childbearing, life expectancy was much higher than 40. That figure is a product of high infant mortality.

Getting into adulthood/past childbirth is a lot more then just infant mortality. Sure infant mortality rate was high, but kids dieing in their teens wasn't all that uncommon either, from disease, accident, war, etc. Either way though, it doesn't change the fact that people got married young and had children young because of the fact that a lot of people died young. If you have a high chance of dieing before you are 25 then a society can't survive if they want until they are 25 to start getting married and have kids.

[raitalin]

Here's what I think the real issue is: How many 21+ feel like they are the same person they were in their senior year of High School?

Identity is a tricky thing, especially in this day and age, and it tends not to be set in stone until your early twenties to thirties.

If you get married when you're 17 you can easily find yourself with a different person when you're 22.

Coming from a divorced family I take the issue very seriously, and don't have any plans to consider marriage before I'm 30.

[MissK]

Here's what I think the real issue is: How many 21+ feel like they are the same person they were in their senior year of High School?



For that matter, how many people are the same at 40 as at 25? Your identity is always changing. Marriage is part initial compatibility and part commitment to keep readjusting to your spouse's changes. Problems start when people take for granted that their spouse's identity will reamain the same, then wake up five years later to find their spouse is a different person.

[mercurymaline]

- Are they getting married because of love or other reasons?

Are you saying marriage for other reasons is less valid?

How 'bout this: marriage is /always/ a terrible idea. Regardless of age, intelligence, and circumstance. So there.

[KnightDisciple]

How 'bout this: marriage is /always/ a terrible idea. Regardless of age, intelligence, and circumstance. So there.

...And lots of us disagree with this statement, for a variety of reasons.

Is there a point to you saying this? :smallconfused:

[mercurymaline]

Nobody seems to be able to agree on an age when it it "acceptable" to get married. A common opinion I've seen in the thread is that everyone changes drastically, in just a few years. The person you married will only be that person for an extremely limited amount of time, so why bother?

[MissK]

Because love is an exciting journey of discovery? Because you don't want to be lonely/bitter for the rest of your life? Because you aren't a selfish git?

[KnightDisciple]

Nobody ever, or nobody in this thread?

I think that the "changes drastically" bit is somewhat overstated.

I mean, I'm not the same person I was, say, 10 years ago. But it's not some impassable gulf.

And really, it's only a "whoa, who are you?" if you're not around someone all the time. You never notice the little changes day to day in someone, not unless they're brought to your attention.

And since both parties in the marriage will be changing, and around each other all the time...

Of course, taking your logic, you can extend that to any interpersonal relations. I mean, that person you're a friend with? They're only "them" for an extremely limited amount of time. Why bother? :smallamused:

That said, in today's society, it does seem prudent to wait for a little while. On the flip side, there are people out there who married that young, and are together multiple decades later. So it's not impossible to make it work.

Here's to hoping they both put effort into the marriage and loving each other.:smallsmile:

[Spiryt]

Because love is an exciting journey of discovery? Because you don't want to be lonely/bitter for the rest of your life? Because you aren't a selfish git?

Why do you need marriage to not be lonely/selfish git and the rest though?

[mercurymaline]

I just don't understand why people can't be together with out binding themselves in such a way that is legally difficult, and financially and emotionally destructive (for those involved and any children) to get out of if things don't work out.

That's my point. I'm not anti-relationship or anti-happiness. I'm anti-arbitrary legal paperwork.

[Krrth]

Part of what marriage is about is growing old with your partner. Of course everyone changes over time. However, since those experiences are shared, people will tend to grow closer together because of that.

That isn't to say that you (the people who are married) don't have to work at it. There will be good times and bad times. It's all in what you do with the marriage that counts.

[Arakune]

Not really. If the two people love each other and are ready for marriage then so be it. Why should age be such a major factor?

Money and legal aspects.

[MissK]

True. You can have a close group of friends and be a happy, well-adjusted person. It was mainly a response to the "if a person changes AT ALL, why should I bother making a long-term commitment to them" issue. Personally, my husband is also my closest friend. I've drifted apart from other friends over the years. You can leave your friends with no repercussions if they change. Marriage is more like family - you're stuck with 'em no matter what. :smalltongue:

[Krrth]

True. You can have a close group of friends and be a happy, well-adjusted person. It was mainly a response to the "if a person changes AT ALL, why should I bother making a long-term commitment to them" issue. Personally, my husband is also my closest friend. I've drifted apart from other friends over the years. You can leave your friends with no repercussions if they change. Marriage is more like family - you're stuck with 'em no matter what. :smalltongue:

...or as my wife tells me, "'Till your Death do us part".

Maybe I should worry about that new life insurance policy she just took out on me....

[KnightDisciple]

I just don't understand why people can't be together with out binding themselves in such a way that is legally difficult, and financially and emotionally destructive (for those involved and any children) to get out of if things don't work out.

That's my point. I'm not anti-relationship or anti-happiness. I'm anti-arbitrary legal paperwork.

Well, the legal aspect these days seems to be a combination of: clarified inheritance; clarified power of attorney; clarified tax breaks; change of name (though not always).

Governmental/legal aspects aside, the religious/ceremonial part is likely a combination of religious beliefs (for some) and a desire to openly and publicly declare the intent of the involved parties.

Edit @Krrth: Might want to be careful on those taste tests, too. :smallwink:

[Spiryt]

You can leave your friends with no repercussions if they change. Marriage is more like family - you're stuck with 'em no matter what. :smalltongue:

So someone marries beacuse the way to ensure s/he will be with other person are repercussions if they leave?

So to give your "later self" less choice?

It seems so, and yet I've find it rather weird aspect of human activity.

[Krrth]

Well, the legal aspect these days seems to be a combination of: clarified inheritance; clarified power of attorney; clarified tax breaks; change of name (though not always).

Governmental/legal aspects aside, the religious/ceremonial part is likely a combination of religious beliefs (for some) and a desire to openly and publicly declare the intent of the involved parties.

Edit @Krrth: Might want to be careful on those taste tests, too. :smallwink:


Heh. Jokes aside, not everyone is really cut out for marriage. However, when done right, It's just about the most wonderful thing in the world.

[OverdrivePrime]

I'm always worried for a marriage when both parties in the marriage haven't at least made it to their mid-twenties. I agree with many of the other posters who mentioned that when you're in your teens and early 20's, you're self-identity is highly in flux, and rational decision making hasn't quite solidified yet. (I've read papers that put men a little slower at this, with women's rational decision centers congealing around 25, and most men by 28.)

I'm particularly worried about young marriages because statistically they tend to launch straight away into having children, which leads to more emotionally damaged children due to the higher divorce rate among couples that marry young.

Certainly, people can marry their high school sweetheart and forge a long and happy life together. That makes for a beautiful story, but is far, far from the norm.

I think it's important to go out and find out who you are independently, and then think about binding yourself to someone else for the rest of your life.

My wife and I were 24 when we got married, and almost 8 years later we both agree that we were way too young. Amazingly, we're still together, and are much happier now than we were in the first two years of our marriage.

Now that I'm in my early 30s, I'm finding that this is the age where a lot of the couples I know who got married early are divorcing. News of divorces are hitting my social circles in full force all of a sudden. All of them are people who got married at 25 or younger.

[Telonius]

True. You can have a close group of friends and be a happy, well-adjusted person. It was mainly a response to the "if a person changes AT ALL, why should I bother making a long-term commitment to them" issue. Personally, my husband is also my closest friend. I've drifted apart from other friends over the years. You can leave your friends with no repercussions if they change. Marriage is more like family - you're stuck with 'em no matter what. :smalltongue:

I have a bit of a different perspective on that. You aren't stuck with family. Families are families by choice. You can't choose whether or not you're biologically or legally related to your parents and siblings. But you do choose whether and how you interact with them. I've seen brothers fight and refuse to reconcile, even when one is on his deathbed. Whatever that is, it's not family. IMO, a family is defined by freely chosen love.

I certainly hope my wife will change over the years. I hope I'll change, too. If we don't, then we aren't learning anything.

[Erloas]

One thing about people changing though is that it happens much more frequently and the changes are a lot bigger the younger you are. Changes still happen but they are much slower and much less pronounced when you are older.

There are also aspects of life that you just haven't reached yet at 17. Its not as easy to judge how well someone is going to hold a job when they've had 2 jobs at someplace like McDonalds, and no one thinks twice about someone leaving one of those jobs after a few months. If they keep doing that when they are 25-30 that is a much bigger problem. Same with things like paying bills, most 17 year olds aren't going to have any bills, maybe a cell phone, and almost all of their income is going to be expendable. While you can get a feel for how people will be with money when they are teenagers, there are a lot of people that don't learn that until they learn it the hard way, once they get out on their own. Money issues are one of the biggest causes of strife for couples.

[Aystra]

Personally, I think they should wait a couple years, but if they want to marry young, it's their choice.

[Innis Cabal]

Maturity?

Ya pretty much this. 99% of 17 year olds are simply not mature enough to get married. Heck 90% of people 23-35 are not mature enough to get married

[Syka]

I'm 22 and Oz is almost 24 and we are certaintly not at the point where we are comfortable getting married. We love each other completely, but at this point it is a formality for legal reasons (and, actually, it's better for BOTH of us financially to not be married) and we aren't quite ready to jump into that yet. My sister and her fiance (20 and 21 respectively) are getting married in a year and a half and I don't doubt them being ready.

The girl I knew who got married at 17 and was pregnant within 3 months? Not so sure about.

It depends much more on the individual than age or maturity. That said, age/maturity/experiences are a vital part of that individuals readiness.

I think one is ready for marriage when one realizes marriage (in the emotional/religious/whatever sense) should happen long before the wedding.

[SDF]

There are physiological and psychological reasons why this isn't a good idea. Peoples brains don't finish maturing from their chemical and hormonal baths their bodies release during their teen years until you are about 19-20. People tend to change a lot yearly from when they are about 11-12 to when they are in their early to mid 20's. Of course some don't change much at all. (I have about the same mind set, beliefs and personality I did when I was 17) Males are also genetically programmed to get bored with long term relationships when they are in their teens and early to mid twenties. I've had many friends have all the previous problems happen with them. Also, everyone of my friends I known who has gotten married at 20 or earlier has had a divorce so far. The point is it is not a good idea, however, it can work. My uncle and aunt were high school sweethearts and they are in their mid to late 50's now. The odds are stacked against them, but if they are both mature enough they can make it work.

I personally think marriage is an antiquated system without any intrinsic value. I guess you could argue that nothing has intrinsic value, and that the value we place in things makes them important. So by that logic I recognize it serves a purpose to aid our society in the way it is set up with the family unit.

[TSED]

I just don't understand why people can't be together with out binding themselves in such a way that is legally difficult, and financially and emotionally destructive (for those involved and any children) to get out of if things don't work out.


I will never understand it either.

[Yarram]

age isn't necesarrily a factor. I'm 16 and I think I'm more mature than some of my relatives who are in their 20s.
So do I, too a point, but I also recognise that thinking I'm mature, doesn't mean I am. Sure, I might actually be mature, but it's just as likely that I'm not, and I just think that I am.

I just don't understand why people can't be together with out binding themselves in such a way that is legally difficult, and financially and emotionally destructive (for those involved and any children) to get out of if things don't work out.
It's fine for you, to not get into ant permanent relationships, but some of us, specifically religious people, are interested in a life partner, that we'll not leave for the rest of our lives. I'm sure my friend fully intends this, but I'm not sure he will be happy following it through.

One thing about people changing though is that it happens much more frequently and the changes are a lot bigger the younger you are. Changes still happen but they are much slower and much less pronounced when you are older.

There are also aspects of life that you just haven't reached yet at 17. Its not as easy to judge how well someone is going to hold a job when they've had 2 jobs at someplace like McDonalds, and no one thinks twice about someone leaving one of those jobs after a few months. If they keep doing that when they are 25-30 that is a much bigger problem. Same with things like paying bills, most 17 year olds aren't going to have any bills, maybe a cell phone, and almost all of their income is going to be expendable. While you can get a feel for how people will be with money when they are teenagers, there are a lot of people that don't learn that until they learn it the hard way, once they get out on their own. Money issues are one of the biggest causes of strife for couples.
Money won't be a problem for this guy. He's got an apprenticeship in a trade, specifically refrigeration and air-conditioning, so money is pretty much assured to him, as long as he doesn't lose his apprenticeship, which he won't, because he's too smart too, and he got it through his church.
(In Australia, due to trade's being so rare, "tradies" are all well off.)

Ya pretty much this. 99% of 17 year olds are simply not mature enough to get married. Heck 90% of people 23-35 are not mature enough to get married
Thankfully, my friend might just be one of the one percent... My hopes are high. I'm actually more worried about how his wife will turn out to be, rather than him.

[Je dit Viola]

The earliest people I've known personally to get married, the girl was 18, the boy was 20. They lived happily ever after for fourty years - and they're still happy.

This sort of thing is completely common where I'm from (Western U.S.) (Not on the coast), though probably with 1 or 2 years tacked on, average. ~90% of the time, they live happily ever after, even after one of them dies. The trick is to make sure they keep on trying to love each other through the bad and the good.

Of course, it's probably all a cultural thing.

[DamnedIrishman]

It may be a religious thing for him though, but I won't go into it, but is anyone else a little disturbed by under 18's marrying?

I think it's foolish in the extreme to marry someone you haven't lived with for at least a year, and that you haven't had a household with for at least a year. Those are both highly stressful situations, and you should really learn whether you can cope with that before you get hitched. Periods of engagement exist for a reason!

But then, my parents divorced and both married divorcees, so some might say I'm cynical.

[Yarram]

I think it's foolish in the extreme to marry someone you haven't lived with for at least a year, and that you haven't had a household with for at least a year. Those are both highly stressful situations, and you should really learn whether you can cope with that before you get hitched. Periods of engagement exist for a reason!

But then, my parents divorced and both married divorcees, so some might say I'm cynical.

Yeah, I come from the exact same situation.

[ghost_warlock]

I think it's foolish in the extreme to marry someone you haven't lived with for at least a year, and that you haven't had a household with for at least a year. Those are both highly stressful situations, and you should really learn whether you can cope with that before you get hitched. Periods of engagement exist for a reason!

But then, my parents divorced and both married divorcees, so some might say I'm cynical.

From what I remember of the statistics from my "social problems" college courses, couples who co-habitate before marriage are actually more likely to get divorced than couples who do not live together before the marriage.

Although I'm not sure definite reason(s) for this has been determined, it may well have something to do with the ideology. Couples who cohabitate, and then marry, carry over the 'just dating and living together' mindset into the marriage, so they're more able to psychologically cope with breaking up than couples to 'take a dive' and only move in together after the marriage. Making a drastic life change (such as moving in together for the first time) after the wedding rituals may help psychologically to solidify the marriage oaths as binding and Serious Business. Couples who cohabitate, and then marry, may essentially be returning to what they've come to see as life as normal after the marriage; hence undermining the supposed importance of the marriage vows.

"X will change my life" -> X happens -> "Hm. Life isn't really all that different, X must not have been that important after all."

From a personal perspective (not really having all that much to do with the above), I cohabitated for several years with a girl and then things ended badly. I am now cohabitating with someone else, but I never plan to marry her so I'm not really concerned. Neither she, nor I, are all that interested in marriage (she's already been through one failed marriage). For some people, it's enough just to share a piece of our life with one-another and never involve the legal system.

[DamnedIrishman]

Although I'm not sure definite reason(s) for this has been determined, it may well have something to do with the ideology. Couples who cohabitate, and then marry, carry over the 'just dating and living together' mindset into the marriage, so they're more able to psychologically cope with breaking up than couples to 'take a dive' and only move in together after the marriage. Making a drastic life change (such as moving in together for the first time) after the wedding rituals may help psychologically to solidify the marriage oaths as binding and Serious Business. Couples who cohabitate, and then marry, may essentially be returning to what they've come to see as life as normal after the marriage; hence undermining the supposed importance of the marriage vows.

"X will change my life" -> X happens -> "Hm. Life isn't really all that different, X must not have been that important after all."


Maybe that is because couples who have previously cohabited are more likely to raise household issues rather than just ignoring them so as not to 'rock the boat'.

[ghost_warlock]

Maybe that is because couples who have previously cohabited are more likely to raise household issues rather than just ignoring them so as not to 'rock the boat'.

I'd say that anyone who's afraid to 'rock the boat' over household issues isn't mature enough to cohabitate, let alone marry! Likewise, for anyone who says something like "if you love me, you won't ask me to change." Cohabitating (and marriage) involve countless compromises; anyone who isn't willing to give up some things and grow with the relationship (i.e., change) has no business being in that relationship.

Edit: In other words, "possibly." :smalltongue:

[Lady Tialait]

Ya pretty much this. 99% of 17 year olds are simply not mature enough to get married. Heck 90% of people 23-35 are not mature enough to get married

That is not quite true.

I personally anti-government controlled marriage. I want marriage to be in the hands of the persons, churches, and..well nothing else.

The contract that marriage constitutes is the reason I am married to my husband. The legal reasons, mostly clarity legally. I do love him..but that has little to do with our marriage. It was a marriage of conveyance because of the government contracts that allow a HUGE social, financial, and legal help it gives.

As for a religious marriage, no matter what age if it's part of your personal way to see the universe by all means....do it.

[KnightDisciple]

I think it's foolish in the extreme to marry someone you haven't lived with for at least a year, and that you haven't had a household with for at least a year. Those are both highly stressful situations, and you should really learn whether you can cope with that before you get hitched. Periods of engagement exist for a reason!

But then, my parents divorced and both married divorcees, so some might say I'm cynical.

Oddly, I can talk to half a dozen couples immediately who have been married longer than I've been alive (not that hard yet, but still), and who I'm pretty sure never co-habitated pre-marriage. I can talk to other couples married for shorter (or longer).

I figure that advice from them out to be able to help me out.:smallwink:

[DamnedIrishman]

Oddly, I can talk to half a dozen couples immediately who have been married longer than I've been alive (not that hard yet, but still), and who I'm pretty sure never co-habitated pre-marriage. I can talk to other couples married for shorter (or longer).


True, but for every happy couple that grew old together, you'll find couples who are staying together for the sake of the marriage (if they're traditionally-minded, especially the religious), for the sake of their children (which rarely does the children much good anyway), couples who might have got divorced if it weren't frowned upon in their time, or who have very much dysfunctional or exploitative relationships due to imbalances in the structure of the household which they feel they cannot leave, or where one individual is depressed due to feeling imprisoned by their marriage.
There is a significant proportion of the older generation who won't talk about these things even to close friends, because it wasn't socially acceptable in their day.

[Reinholdt]

There is a significant proportion of the older generation who won't talk about these things even to close friends, because it wasn't socially acceptable in their day.
Wait... I'm confused. If there's a significant proportion of people who won't talk about it, then how do you know that this is the case? :smallconfused:

[ghost_warlock]

Wait... I'm confused. If there's a significant proportion of people who won't talk about it, then how do you know that this is the case? :smallconfused:

Mind police are everywhere!

[Quincunx]

Wait... I'm confused. If there's a significant proportion of people who won't talk about it, then how do you know that this is the case? :smallconfused:

Gossipy siblings, deathbed confessions, and the loss of inhibitions which accompanies dementia.

[Je dit Viola]

Gossipy siblings, deathbed confessions, and the loss of inhibitions which accompanies dementia. But then there's all those people who are completely happy or at least mostly happy, so the gossipy siblings, deathbed confessions, and dementia won't come into play when telling the truth. If this was a statistical survey, then this kind of thing would be known as 'Volunteer Responce Bias' or 'Simplicity Bias' or something like, depending on how you did the survey. Both of which give bias at the extremes.

On another note, did you know that, in the U.S., if two people, who can get legally married, but don't go through the rights, co-habitate long enough, they are legally married in the eyes of the law, until one leaves the other? I think it's like 7 or 8 years, but I'm not so sure.

[Quincunx]

The truth is there are some people who have gotten so accustomed to misery they don't see it any more even if their friends and family do!

The truth is there are only ten states in the U.S. which still acknowledge common-law marriage! (Fun site, this, (http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/2/objectId/709FAEE4-ABEA-4E17-BA34836388313A3C/catId/697DBAFE-20FF-467A-9E9395985EE7E825/118/304/192/FAQ/) for a given value of "fun".) They aren't even geographically grouped.

[Katrascythe]

My personal opinion is that people should really and truly avoid marriage until they're financially capable and are mature enough to make the decision of "do you really want to take on all the emotional responsibility that this is going to require." I've seen some people ready for that at a really early age ie 16 and some people who need to be more like 30 before they're capable of making the decision.

I had three cousins get married last year. All of them were between 21 and 23. I only really saw that one of them was really "awful damn sure!" about the marriage. She been with the guy through a recurring cancer, for crying out loud! And they both were already employed and had the funds to take care of themselves. The other two were still in school (one actually lived in the student housing at the same campus I attend) and they didn't really have enough income to live on comfortably.

I'd say wait till your out of college. But that's really my only thing. Basically, save marriage till the point where you are responsible enough to deal with it and not burden society with it.

[ghost_warlock]

On another note, did you know that, in the U.S., if two people, who can get legally married, but don't go through the rights, co-habitate long enough, they are legally married in the eyes of the law, until one leaves the other? I think it's like 7 or 8 years, but I'm not so sure.

It's called "common law" marriage and, last I knew, it varies from state to state and doesn't necessarily have the 'until one leaves the other' clause. For instance, a couple I knew from when I lived in Colorado who cohabitated for several years and then tried to seperate. Later, when they had moved on and tried to establish new relationships, they ran into legal problems since they were considered married. I had heard that a few states had abolished the laws, or are taking steps to do so, because it lead to some issuses (such as the example I gave above) and it can result in unnecessary paperwork.

[Katrascythe]

I'm a huge fan of the cohabitation for several years bit, I just don't want to be considered married because of it. The idea of living together but not being married is so that you can just pick up and leave later. I don't want to have to fight the legal system because I decided to break up with someone I never intended to be legally bound to in the first place.

[Last_resort_33]

Got married about a year and a half ago, at the age of 22, My partner was 18 at the time and so far, we couldn't be happier, we have been together for 5 years now.

All in all, apart from being stinking poor and nearly jobless, I am quite happy with how my life is panning out.

[Tequila Sunrise]

I don't think anyone in the history of humanity has ever been ready for marriage. But we all eventually want regular nooky, so we do it anyway. :smallwink:

[mercurymaline]

The truth is there are some people who have gotten so accustomed to misery they don't see it any more even if their friends and family do!

The truth is there are only ten states in the U.S. which still acknowledge common-law marriage! (Fun site, this, (http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/2/objectId/709FAEE4-ABEA-4E17-BA34836388313A3C/catId/697DBAFE-20FF-467A-9E9395985EE7E825/118/304/192/FAQ/) for a given value of "fun".) They aren't even geographically grouped.

I'd like to see that site's sources, please. Kansas abolished the commonlaw to keep teh gheys from calling themselves married.

[Coidzor]

Fascinating. Traditionalists cutting off tradition in order to preserve tradition.

I wonder at what marriage would be like. I think I'd enjoy it as it'd take some of the stress out of life to have someone whose approval I know I've already gained... and to be loved and comfortable with one another... there's just something reassuring about having someone there with you, especially if you know you're together for the long haul.

I almost eloped but sexual incompatibility reared its ugly head and that was the end of that. After a long drawn out attempt to fix things/make it work/figure out what the hell was going on.

I'm generally hesitant to give my blessing to a marriage before the age of 25 unless the relationship has lasted more than 5 years and been maintained well in the face of the crap that comes up in life.

[Quincunx]

I'd like to see that site's sources, please. Kansas abolished the commonlaw to keep teh gheys from calling themselves married.

The sources would be the individual states' .gov websites which list rules and years without being too long on the reasons, although I think the site overall has a Californian bias in some of its advice. It certainly has such a bias in parts of the site irrelevant to the conversation (and which I was already using, hence the remark about 'fun').

[Last_resort_33]

I'm generally hesitant to give my blessing to a marriage before the age of 25 unless the relationship has lasted more than 5 years and been maintained well in the face of the crap that comes up in life.

Well we had been going out for 3 years at the time, but, we had been through more than our fair share of crap, and we still are, but it's all still good.

TBH, getting married seemed to be more of an excuse for an absolutely awesome party that everyone had to come to. (Some of the highlights later in the evening: all my friends and extended family, all in slightly gothic eveningwear standing in a line air guitaring to Iron Maiden, A 60 year old actor utterly letting it rip to Turisas, Glug streaking along the beach and a relaxed midnight G&T with my old group (the group) of school friends who hadn't met for 5 years)

[PinsAndNeedles]

Im going to go ahead and give a scientific answer... The human brain truely doesn't fully develope until around the age of 25. Before the age of 25 people tend to take more risks and not think things through. So when it comes to young marriage, probably not a good idea... Just a spur of the moment decision that may be regretted later. :smallwink: