Retarded D&D Monsters

[The Tygre]

Cracked.com officially revises the list.

15 Retarded Dungeons & Dragons Monsters (http://www.cracked.com/article_17455_15-retarded-dungeons-dragons-monsters.html)

Props.

[Ichneumon]

There are indeed some very weird D&D monsters, but I did not think some of the monsters listed deserved a place in that list as the most strangest D&D monsters.

[FoE]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

[TSED]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

It's a D&D classic.


And I would be very, very, very upset to discover ANYTHING happened to my beloved cubes.

[Overlord Nicy]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

It's the joke everyone loves. It's the staple of DnD. Without it, there IS no DnD.

[Bayar]

This just seems to be a bad rip-off of the stupid monsters article. Google stupid monsters and click the first link.

[TSED]

This just seems to be a bad rip-off of the stupid monsters article. Google stupid monsters and click the first link.

There's lots of rip-offs of it, really. Not surprised that Cracked joined in.

[The Glyphstone]

What sort of self-respecting Stupid Monsters article doesn't include the Bunny-Stump-creature?

[Shademan]

i didnt find this article very funny. at all.
i usually laugh at most cracked articles, mind. but this one...meeh...
I got that feeling, you know, when a stand-up comedian isnt funny and he knows it. and he goes "so...whats up with...uh....D&D monsters! haah?"

[Rappy]

Several of the items on the list I'd have to disagree with. Among those being...

The Hippocampus: It's not meant to be a threat. It's a Greek legendary creature that was a steed of Poseidon. Can we really count real-world legendary creatures in such a list anyway?

The Atropal: It's the aborted fetus of a god. The author doesn't seem to get that with their "at its core, it's just a dead fetus" comment.

The Anguillan: It's a lamprey with manual dexterity. Being a biology buff, this idea frightens the heck of out me.

And finally, the Demilich: "Smack it out of the air"? Really? It's immune to magic, has variouses resistances and immunities to natural phenomena, paralyzes with a touch, casts spells, and can rip out the very soul of a person and stuff it in its gemstones.

In all honesty, the article seemed more to be a poor attempt to ride the bandwagon of "hurr hurr, these monsters are stupid", a bandwagon I've already become tired of seeing.

[Kobold-Bard]

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Don't forget to click the even badder link at the bottom for more.

[Bayar]

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Don't forget to click the even badder link at the bottom for more.

Yup, that's the one.

[Emperor Ing]

IMHO, the Roving Mauler is the #1 most ridiculous monster in DnD. A lion head with 5 legs in a wheel? How does it move? How does it even attack?!

[The Tygre]

Indeed. I enjoyed it infinitely more. Not least of which was that the second one actually came after the author became addicted to D&D.

[Jahkaivah]

Yeah it paled in comparison to the Stupid Monsters article.

The Cracked article should have reversed the numbers, the Roving Mauler and Gelatinous Cube was easily the worst of that lot.

Oh and if you think the Demi-Lich is stupid you clearly never played Planescape: Torment, floating skulls are awesome.

[bosssmiley]

IMHO, the Roving Mauler is the #1 most ridiculous monster in DnD. A lion head with 5 legs in a wheel? How does it move? How does it even attack?!

*sigh*

The Buer originated as a creature in The Lesser Key of Solomon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lesser_Key_of_Solomon#The_72_Demons). Its absurd physiology was indicative of its' being an unnatural demonic being, one unconstrained by the laws of the normal natural world (http://www.philotomy.com/#dungeon).

That said: 5 limbed, radially symmetrical, invert their stomachs to eat, capable of regeneration. Sounds absurd, doesn't it? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starfish)

[kamikasei]

The Buer originated as a creature in The Lesser Key of Solomon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lesser_Key_of_Solomon#The_72_Demons).

Wow, I hadn't realized so many vestiges were lifted from that source. Nice to see WotC saying "screw it" to the "D&D = Satan" crowd.

[Morty]

Meh. Those creatures don't come even close to other D&D and non-D&D monsters out there, like the ones in that other artice. And seriously, making fun of Hippocampus? It's a mythological creature. I can't see what's wrong with Demilich either. And some of those monsters are just the effect of WoTC bozos saying "Okay guys, we're releasing a new Monster Manual, come up with something" when the designers had run out of ideas long before.

[SnowballMan]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.
Come on, there's always room for Jello.*

A fun game to play with these lists, guess whether the creatures are the result of rushing to meet an upcoming deadline, or LSD in the coffee. Where as the "Wolf-In-Sheeps-Clothing" monster is clearly the work of bad acid, I'm pretty sure the Owlbear is the result of a person out of time who just couldn't give a hoot.

*specifically a 10' X 10' room.

[Jahkaivah]

*sigh*

The Buer originated as a creature in The Lesser Key of Solomon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lesser_Key_of_Solomon#The_72_Demons). Its absurd physiology was indicative of its' being an unnatural demonic being, one unconstrained by the laws of the normal natural world (http://www.philotomy.com/#dungeon).

That said: 5 limbed, radially symmetrical, invert their stomachs to eat, capable of regeneration. Sounds absurd, doesn't it? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starfish)


Starfishes never use their limbs to operate above water though, and being part of literature, Buer is never required to be physically depicted or imagined, just told.

[RelentlessImp]

I stopped reading at Demilich. I mean, seriously. It's an epic Lich that's got AC out the wazoo (Charisma bonus to AC. Diminuitive size. Probably a decent Dexterity score. No equipment to sunder - it's all next to its phylactery.) Add into the fact that it is, by its very nature an epic spellcaster (Lich, Spellcaster 21st+) and gets Perfect Still Spell and an Automatic Quicken feat and the Demilich is something you do not want to mess with.

...Unless you're an Ubercharger, or a Hulking Hurler, or something...

[Kobold-Bard]

I stopped reading at Demilich. I mean, seriously. It's an epic Lich that's got AC out the wazoo (Charisma bonus to AC. Diminuitive size. Probably a decent Dexterity score. No equipment to sunder - it's all next to its phylactery.) Add into the fact that it is, by its very nature an epic spellcaster (Lich, Spellcaster 21st+) and gets Perfect Still Spell and an Automatic Quicken feat and the Demilich is something you do not want to mess with.

...Unless you're an Ubercharger, or a Hulking Hurler, or something...

Or that race I saw (and forgot the name of) on the Homebrew forum that is absolutely immune to magic, even the beneficial stuff. It's like a living anti-magic field. Floating magic skull, not so tough anymore.

Of course that's homebrew so it doesn't count, but still....

[Woodsman]

Hippocampus? That wasn't even the D&D creator's fault!

'Twas the Greeks who though of 'em, and they're just kick-ass!

[Logalmier]

Come on, there's always room for Jello.*

*specifically a 10' X 10' room.

This reminds me of when I played a character that was immune to acid. He ate Gelatinous Cubes for dessert.

[Kobold-Bard]

This reminds me of when I played a character that was immune to acid. He ate Gelatinous Cubes for dessert.

I had a Monster game player who played a Half-Celestial Gelatinous Cube, his logic being that what with Angels being both immune to acid and full of love for all creatures, there must have been one who'd seen an ooze and thought "Hmmmm..."

That was an interesting conversation :smalltongue:

[toasty]

Gelatinous Cubes are awesome. They may be stupid, but they are awesome.

Maybe this is the WFRP/comedy person in me... but the thought of a giant cube of jello that sucks its opponents inside it is just... awesome. In a completely stupid sort of way of course. :D

[Logalmier]

I had a Monster game player who played a Half-Celestial Gelatinous Cube, his logic being that what with Angels being both immune to acid and full of love for all creatures, there must have been one who'd seen an ooze and thought "Hmmmm..."

That was an interesting conversation :smalltongue:

...I find that a bit ....disturbing.:smalleek:

[Athaniar]

Cracked, while most of the time an excellent source of hilarity, epically failed with this one. As mentione, Head Injure Theater's articles are much, much better. And seriously, SERIOUSLY, Cracked? Demilich retarded? Just wait until you have your souls sucked out by it. And not knowing the Hippocampus is from mythology, well... sorry, Cracked staff, you just lost your status as nerds.

[GoC]

Several of the items on the list I'd have to disagree with. Among those being...

The Hippocampus: It's not meant to be a threat. It's a Greek legendary creature that was a steed of Poseidon. Can we really count real-world legendary creatures in such a list anyway?

The Atropal: It's the aborted fetus of a god. The author doesn't seem to get that with their "at its core, it's just a dead fetus" comment.

The Anguillan: It's a lamprey with manual dexterity. Being a biology buff, this idea frightens the heck of out me.

And finally, the Demilich: "Smack it out of the air"? Really? It's immune to magic, has variouses resistances and immunities to natural phenomena, paralyzes with a touch, casts spells, and can rip out the very soul of a person and stuff it in its gemstones.

In all honesty, the article seemed more to be a poor attempt to ride the bandwagon of "hurr hurr, these monsters are stupid", a bandwagon I've already become tired of seeing.

QFT:smallannoyed:

[13_CBS]

It sounds like an article was written by a guy who doesn't play D&D.

If you think about it, if you knew absolutely nothing about a demi lich it probably wouldn't seem that frightening. Ooooh, skull with gems in it. Yeah, like that's scary compared to, like, a freaking dragon.

Of course, any adventurer who thinks that is about to get his pathetic soul sucked out of him...


In any case, it seems like it was a Did Not Do the Research failure on Cracked.com's part.

[AstralFire]

I believe most of the objections were made on the basis of them looking stupid, not their Challenge Rating. Not that I agree with even all of those, but still.

[averagejoe]

Starfishes never use their limbs to operate above water though, and being part of literature, Buer is never required to be physically depicted or imagined, just told.

Not to mention the fact that starfish have never been seen as particularly threatening to anything that doesn't spend its life in a hard shell anchored to a rock somewhere.

[Innis Cabal]

Not to mention the fact that starfish have never been seen as particularly threatening to anything that doesn't spend its life in a hard shell anchored to a rock somewhere.

If they were 12 feet long you might change your tune

[13_CBS]

Not to mention the fact that starfish have never been seen as particularly threatening to anything that doesn't spend its life in a hard shell anchored to a rock somewhere.

How about people who depend on said hard shell rock-anchored anythings for a living? Especially people who try to deal with threats to their hard shell rock anchored anythings by chopping them up, forgetting that they can regenerate from all the bits and pieces?

[Ravens_cry]

I know it sounds crazy, but I like the owl bear. Eyes the size of dinner plates, big raking claws, a beak ready to feast on your entrails, and a shrill shriek that will chill even the staunchest warriors heart? That's pretty monstrous.
Just don't think too long about it's parentage, that will make your brain explode.

[averagejoe]

How about people who depend on said hard shell rock-anchored anythings for a living? Especially people who try to deal with threats to their hard shell rock anchored anythings by chopping them up, forgetting that they can regenerate from all the bits and pieces?

Physically threatening, that is. An immediate danger to their person. A monster is an encounter. Pests are a quest.

[Rappy]

I know it sounds crazy, but I like the owl bear. Eyes the size of dinner plates, big raking claws, a beak ready to feast on your entrails, and a shrill shriek that will chill even the staunchest warriors heart? That's pretty monstrous.
Just don't think too long about it's parentage, that will make your brain explode.
I think the best thing for the owlbear is having a good description. Less "this creature is a bear with the head of an owl" and more "almost like variation of the wingless griffon, this beast's body is a slab of bulk and muscle coated in grizzled fur and sporting razor-sharp claws. Its head sports large eyes burning red in the glow of your torches and a wicked beak soaked in the blood of some large animal".

The Head Injury article is better, but there are still some monsters I have a problem with being placed in the "stupid" moniker, believe it or not. The owlbear is one, of course (the bearowl, though...the less said about that one, the better).

Another would be the crawling claw. When I read their description in the Menace Manual as sounding and resembling bloated spiders skittering in the darkness, I was creeped out (although that may be my arachnophobia.) That and a disembodied hand crawling around on its own just reeks of Frankenstein's laboratory-type encounters.

The Vargouille is based on a creature from Native American mythology.

The ragamoffyn is the claustrophobic's nightmare...being strangled by your own wearable items (or wares if you're a merchant) can be creepy when done right.


Manatees as a d20 creature stat is good for flavor. Not everything is "kill and take their stuff".

Zorbo = drop bear. It's kind of the point for them to be a joke. Although if you've seen the Menace Manual art of the drop bear, you have gazed into the true fear of the death koala.

Skullriders are like hermit crabs, only they can kill you. Combo with a jewel-toothless demilich and you have an even nastier concept.

The whole weretiger entry was just a cheap shot for a cheap "joke".

I won't go further and sound like I'm defending every monster I ever see called "stupid" (I know I would never defend the pooter bush from E.N. Critters 3, for one), I just feel that a lot of "stupid creatures" can be quite creepy, if not downright terrifying, with the right storyteller/GM.

[Krytha]

So the guy made some cheap jokes. It's funny seeing everyone get in a huff because of his demilich description. If they had assigned all the demilich's ridiculous stats and abilities to the roving mauler, it wouldn't make it any less silly looking.

[Rappy]

So the guy made some cheap jokes. It's funny seeing everyone get in a huff because of his demilich description. If they had assigned all the demilich's ridiculous stats and abilities to the roving mauler, it wouldn't make it any less silly looking.
The demilich looks silly...how, exactly? Skulls, like the skeleton in general, are used as symbols of death. It has gemstones in it, looking for all the world like a nice little spawning point for treasure. And "ridiculous stats" may fit if you mean by power level, but I wouldn't call a monster that can rend the mortal essence from your body a silly power.

EDIT: And if you meant my "cheap jokes" comment, that was more leveled at the furry-bashing "humor" in the weretiger part of the Head Injury article.

[Arachu]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

I regard the Cube not as a joke, but as the joke.

You could have an "oh, noes, what should I do?" moment followed by "oh, wait, I step aside", or you could have a spring-loaded trapdoor over a room perfectly filled by the Gelatinous Cube.

I can't wait until my PC's level up enough to do that :nale:

[Rappy]

I regard the Cube not as a joke, but as the joke.

You could have an "oh, noes, what should I do?" moment followed by "oh, wait, I step aside", or you could have a spring-loaded trapdoor over a room perfectly filled by the Gelatinous Cube.

I can't wait until my PC's level up enough to do that :nale:
Nah. Give the gelatinous cube the id ooze template and Sorcerer levels. Spellatinous cube for the win. :smalltongue:

[TigerHunter]

I read that a few days ago. As soon as I saw that Roving Mauler only got 15th, I knew it would be a stupid, poorly put together list. And hey, I was right. In half of the entries he ignores the fact that physical strength isn't the only way to be strong in D&D, so demi-liches are actually way powerful. Most of the other half are actually pretty cool.

[Arachu]

Nah. Give the gelatinous cube the id ooze template and Sorcerer levels. Spellatinous cube for the win. :smalltongue:

[strongacknowlegement]



... What if you give it a Bite attack? It could be all(-slide-)and the PC's all "I step to my right", and then the Cube goes-blarrgh!-and eats someone.


... A Lycanthropic Gelatinous Cube. It becomes solid, and looks like half a set of fuzzy dice, but it's wet fur smell causes 10 rounds of sickness :smallcool:

... And no. There is no saving throw, and it can even sicken constructs. Yes, it can make golems puke :smalltongue:

[Krytha]

The demilich looks silly...how, exactly? Skulls, like the skeleton in general, are used as symbols of death. It has gemstones in it, looking for all the world like a nice little spawning point for treasure. And "ridiculous stats" may fit if you mean by power level, but I wouldn't call a monster that can rend the mortal essence from your body a silly power.

EDIT: And if you meant my "cheap jokes" comment, that was more leveled at the furry-bashing "humor" in the weretiger part of the Head Injury article.

I didn't write the article, so I can't help you. Funny how when other people say ridiculous stats, you understand it as powerful, but when I use it it means silly. I made my point already.

[Rappy]

I didn't write the article, so I can't help you. Funny how when other people say ridiculous stats, you understand it as powerful, but when I use it it means silly. I made my point already.
I didn't have a problem understanding you, I was just noting both avenues of interpretation of your comment.

[Flame of Anor]

I had a Monster game player who played a Half-Celestial Gelatinous Cube, his logic being that what with Angels being both immune to acid and full of love for all creatures, there must have been one who'd seen an ooze and thought "Hmmmm..."

That was an interesting conversation :smalltongue:

MITOSIS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!

[chiasaur11]

MITOSIS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!

Well then.

A wizard did it.

____ing wizards.

[Blackjackg]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

Not so. As a DM, I have used the gelatinous cube several times to great effect. A few ideas for using G.C.s to great effect:

Put one in a 10' wide, 10' tall corridor so stepping aside isn't an option, and have it come up behind the party while they're fighting a few kobolds.

Remember that they're transparent and practically invisible in most circumstances, so put them places you wouldn't expect them to be. Like the bottoms of ladders.

And my personal favorite: Don't tell them a big jelly cube is coming after them, tell them a skeleton is floating down the hall toward them, and surprise the hell out of them when they charge.


Oh and if you think the Demi-Lich is stupid you clearly never played Planescape: Torment, floating skulls are awesome.

Not the same thing, but points for moxie.


I'm pretty sure the Owlbear is the result of a person out of time who just couldn't give a hoot.

Actually, the owlbear (and a few other classic monsters like the bulette) is the result of Gary Gygax and some of the other originators of the game buying a pack of miniature plastic monsters and coming up with names for them.

[thepsyker]

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Don't forget to click the even badder link at the bottom for more.

Huh, so those white monsters the order keeps landing on are flumphs I didn't know that.

[hamishspence]

Gelatinous creature can be applied to anything living, half-celestial only to intelligent creatures (4 OR HIGH)

So one can imagine the result of the pairing being Gelatinous Celestials :smallbiggrin:

[Faulty]

The entire Senmurv entry made me laugh my ass off.

[TSED]

Not to mention the fact that starfish have never been seen as particularly threatening to anything that doesn't spend its life in a hard shell anchored to a rock somewhere.

Frig man, they're terrifying. Arms that never get tired, that can literally rip clams open, stomachs that they can insert into you and start digesting you without eating?


Small organisms have the most brutal and painful deaths imagineable.

[chiasaur11]

Frig man, they're terrifying. Arms that never get tired, that can literally rip clams open, stomachs that they can insert into you and start digesting you without eating?


Small organisms have the most brutal and painful deaths imagineable.

Yup.

Big animals just kill you. Nasty, but you know what you're getting into when you see the fangs.

Komodo Dragons are a bit of the exception. One bite infects you with every disease anything else they eat had. They're just awesome like that. And they can swim.

[Faulty]

Icheneumon wasps are scary as hell.

[TSED]

Yup.

Big animals just kill you. Nasty, but you know what you're getting into when you see the fangs.

Komodo Dragons are a bit of the exception. One bite infects you with every disease anything else they eat had. They're just awesome like that. And they can swim.

Not really. They just have some nasty bacteria hanging out in their saliva, not 'every disease everything else they ever ate.' Unless there's been some new breakthrough on them of which I'm not aware. Urban legends just ABOUND for Komodo Dragons.


Let's not even try to compare that to, say, having the larva hatch in your abdomen and slowly eat your entire body away, non-vital organs first.

[chiasaur11]

Not really. They just have some nasty bacteria hanging out in their saliva, not 'every disease everything else they ever ate.' Unless there's been some new breakthrough on them of which I'm not aware. Urban legends just ABOUND for Komodo Dragons.


Let's not even try to compare that to, say, having the larva hatch in your abdomen and slowly eat your entire body away, non-vital organs first.

Exaggerating. Should have made that clearer.

Wasn't saying Dragons were the nastiest (That goes to the mind control fungi. Eesh.), just they got more special abilities than you expect in that weight class.

[TSED]

Ahh.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.


(The mind control fungi is another perfect example of 'being small means your death is guaranteed to be TERRIBLE.' Poor, poor ants.)



I mean really, look at blue whales. They blew all their points on Increase Size and now all they get to do is be floating plankton digesters. They don't even have defense mechanisms besides their size! Poor buggers.

Then you look at, say, insects. Who are poisonous, fly, have natural armour, vicious bite attacks, strength enhancements, and specialized limbs to attack / defend / whatever. Then you look at their opponents and you see that's not enough.

Frig, I'm tempted to play / run a Fine-sized campaign now.

[averagejoe]

Frig, I'm tempted to play / run a Fine-sized campaign now.

...

That is a brilliant idea!

On starfish: I do believe I made a specific exception for clams and such. :smalltongue:

[Eldrys]

I feel really stupid right now. I once was reduced to 7 HP by a Galatinus Cube. I was locked--alone--in a closet with a galatinus cube. It enveloped me and I almost died.

[Blackjackg]

I feel really stupid right now. I once was reduced to 7 HP by a Galatinus Cube. I was locked--alone--in a closet with a galatinus cube. It enveloped me and I almost died.

You are a member of an elite faction: Players Whose DM Takes Gelatinous Cubes Seriously (PWDMTGCS). We'll send you a bumper sticker.

[Worira]

If they were 12 feet long you might change your tune

Yeah, except that whole "strolling casually away" thing, or maybe the "vivisecting with a small knife" one.

[Arachu]

The owl is terrifying, man. It looks all cute and cuddly (because you only see the feathers),

but they have massive eyes,

they can see almost anything, even tiny mice, that are in the grass and tree roots, from high in the air (at night!),

they have freaking meat hooks stuck to their toes,

and they can turn their heads past 180 degrees (at least, I think they can...)


I'm surprised I haven't had a nightmare about them, actually... Another reason I'm so happy I don't dream...

[Innis Cabal]

Yeah, except that whole "strolling casually away" thing, or maybe the "vivisecting with a small knife" one.

Ya....even though if it was truely that large its strength would be far stronger then our own, and we'd have to be underwater to get at it. Oh ya! And there is that healing thing they do. Your screwed.

[FoE]

Not so. As a DM, I have used the gelatinous cube several times to great effect. A few ideas for using G.C.s to great effect:

Put one in a 10' wide, 10' tall corridor so stepping aside isn't an option, and have it come up behind the party while they're fighting a few kobolds.

Remember that they're transparent and practically invisible in most circumstances, so put them places you wouldn't expect them to be. Like the bottoms of ladders.

And my personal favorite: Don't tell them a big jelly cube is coming after them, tell them a skeleton is floating down the hall toward them, and surprise the hell out of them when they charge.

That's cool.

I remember an adventure back in my old gaming days where monsters used gelatinous cubes for garbage disposal.

I always wanted to stick one at the bottom of a hidden pit. :smallbiggrin:

[Worira]

Ya....even though if it was truely that large its strength would be far stronger then our own, and we'd have to be underwater to get at it. Oh ya! And there is that healing thing they do. Your screwed.

For one thing, starfish aren't all that strong for their size. They aren't actually strong enough to pull open a bivalve, what they do is wear the bivalve out through exerting constant pressure. As for being underwater to get to them... Well, yes? Why exactly should I be afraid of them, then? I don't have to worry unless they come onto land, at which point I start up the whole vivisection thing. And as for healing, it takes them months to regenerate an arm. It's about as big a threat in combat as a human growing a fingernail into your eye.

[Arachu]

What if the ape-boop-crazy starfish latched to your head? Eyes are soft; it wouldn't take very long to reduce you to a crying skull.

(Ooh, 'crying skull' sounds awesome, doesn't it? I should learn an instrument, make a band, and call ourself that :elan:)

[Worira]

Well, that's why you don't let it do that. And even if it did, you could just bite it.

[Simanos]

Not really. They just have some nasty bacteria hanging out in their saliva, not 'every disease everything else they ever ate.' Unless there's been some new breakthrough on them of which I'm not aware. Urban legends just ABOUND for Komodo Dragons.
Actually http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Komodo_dragon says:
In 2009, the same researchers published further evidence demonstrating that Komodo dragons possess a venomous bite. MRI scans of a preserved skull showed the presence of two venom glands in the lower jaw. They extracted one of these glands from the head of a terminally ill specimen in the Singapore Zoological Gardens, and found that it secreted a venom containing several different toxic proteins. The known functions of these proteins include inhibition of blood clotting, lowering of blood pressure, muscle paralysis, and the induction of hypothermia, leading to shock and loss of consciousness in envenomated prey.[29][30] As a result of the discovery, the previous theory that bacteria were responsible for the deaths of komodo victims was disputed.


Well, that's why you don't let it do that. And even if it did, you could just bite it.
As for starfish they are so slow the scientists use time-lapse photography to study their behaviour. Definitely not a threat. Also "a sea-star arm can only regenerate into a whole new organism if some of the central ring of the sea star is part of the chopped off arm."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starfish
So it's not a friggin regenerating Tarrasque, not at all.

[Kobold-Bard]

Why all the hate for gelatinous cubes? Especially when there is the anorexic Psyduck and the Mushroom people to mock. Not to mention the floor, ceiling, walls and bed linen that exists only to eat you when you're not expecting it.

[Asmodoues]

I'd just like to briefly comment as the author of the article that much of what I wrote was making fun of how silly the concept of the monster was, not how difficult it was to kill it.

Unfortunately, the editing team of Cracked decided to re-work my article and take out all the references to the powers of the monsters and replace them with 80ies references instead.

[Rappy]

I'd just like to briefly comment as the author of the article that much of what I wrote was making fun of how silly the concept of the monster was, not how difficult it was to kill it.

Unfortunately, the editing team of Cracked decided to re-work my article and take out all the references to the powers of the monsters and replace them with 80ies references instead.
But that doesn't forgive mocking the demilich!

Kidding, kidding. I don't think any of us hate you for writing the origination point. It does seem less special and somewhat bandwagon-riding with the rewrite, as I noted before. Is there any chance of seeing the original, or are you under lock and key on that matter? I'm curious to see your thoughts as is and unaltered.

[Asmodoues]

Sadly, it's their property now.

[Marillion]

Especially when there is the anorexic Psyduck.
You mean the Kappa? Kappas are awesome. They're creatures from Japanese (I think) mythology that hang out near bodies of water. In the darkness, they just look like shriveled old men. They ask passerby to get them some water, or if they're in the water, to help them get out. When the guy gets close to the water, the Kappa grabs him by the throat and drags him underwater, like a crocodile eating a zebra. And their grip is unbreakable. Their downside is, if you get them to look down, all the water flows out of the bowl on their head and leaves them paralyzed.

GCs are great. Once, I was playing a bard, and for some reason, the cube decided to fall down on me. The DM ruled that I could scream as I still had air in my lungs, though he didn't know why, as the rest of the party had gone a ways on and wouldn't be able to hear me through the cube.So I used a sonic spell that involved screaming and splattered the cube all over the ceiling. That's right: A bard one-shot a Gelatinous Cube. :smallcool:

[Rappy]

You mean the Kappa?
Actually*, I believe Kobold-Bard was referring to the art of the thought eater in the dawning era of Dungeons and Dragons. They looked...erm...yeah. Let's just say there was a time when being a psionic mental-muncher wasn't a respectable trade.

*I could be wrong about this, though. If I am, terribly sorry K-B.

[Badgercloak]

:smallfurious: How dare they dis Moonrats, I love the Moonrats. They can be uber interesting when you play them right.

[Maerok]

The author seems to think that these monsters are just waiting around to be killed and can't fight back.

"ZOMG. Illithids are so dumb, look at their squid faces. I would totally just ignore the fact that they can defend themselves and drown them in calamari."

When in 'reality', it goes something like this:

"ZOMG. Illithids are - disregard that, I will now stand and wait to be devoured at the master's leisure."

[Juhn]

A wizard did it.

Honestly, I've noticed this is the stated reason behind a lot of the more out-there monsters in DnD. What is it with wizards and their apparent unhealthy interest in crossbreeding monsters?

[Rappy]

Honestly, I've noticed this is the stated reason behind a lot of the more out-there monsters in DnD. What is it with wizards and their apparent unhealthy interest in crossbreeding monsters?
Why don't you find out yourself? Mongoose Publishing put out an entire sourcebook on it. :smallwink:


The author seems to think that these monsters are just waiting around to be killed and can't fight back.

"ZOMG. Illithids are so dumb, look at their squid faces. I would totally just ignore the fact that they can defend themselves and drown them in calamari."

When in 'reality', it goes something like this:

"ZOMG. Illithids are - disregard that, I will now stand and wait to be devoured at the master's leisure."
Well, to the author's credit, they did post here noting that Cracked changed material around. Too bad the original is now lost in the annals of e-history.

[Bouregard]

Honestly, I've noticed this is the stated reason behind a lot of the more out-there monsters in DnD. What is it with wizards and their apparent unhealthy interest in crossbreeding monsters?

I would say its more a "Whoops accidently created new species while screwing around with the laws of reality." as a "Hey fellow, you know what sounds fun? 'If we breed a duck with dragon!".

And in a time without garbage disposal the end of the story is usually that all of this Whopps-creatures are put into a pit where only the biggest and meanest gets out after eating the rest of them.

[Agrippa]

Honestly, I've noticed this is the stated reason behind a lot of the more out-there monsters in DnD. What is it with wizards and their apparent unhealthy interest in crossbreeding monsters?

Not every genetically engineered super soldier in the universe is humanoid. Some are animals. Who wouldn't a fire-breathing bear that shoots out of its eyes as a pet/watch animal? Or to be able to sic your own loyal hyper-intelligent dog-monkey hybrid on your worst enemy? That's how wizards think. Also, it's for science (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ForScience).

[banthesun]

(Ooh, 'crying skull' sounds awesome, doesn't it? I should learn an instrument, make a band, and call ourself that :elan:)

Or you could make a creature for the next article about this :smallwink:

[Arachu]

Heh. Just used the "floating skeleton" gelatinous cube trick :smallamused:

My wizard had to smash it into the ceiling with a floating disk...


... And I think I will make a berserk, crying, screaming, flying skull that eats people's faces. As soon as I feel like it :smalltongue:

[Worira]

Refluffed Vargouille (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/vargouille.htm).

[Rappy]

Similarly, you could use the cacophony golem (AKA the screaming skull). The fact that it is often mistaken for a demilich makes it fun to play a game of "guess the right one" with two cacophony golems and a demilich. :smallamused:

EDIT: For those wondering where you can find the cacophony golem, you can find it in the Tome of Horrors II.

[Kobold-Bard]

Actually*, I believe Kobold-Bard was referring to the art of the thought eater in the dawning era of Dungeons and Dragons. They looked...erm...yeah. Let's just say there was a time when being a psionic mental-muncher wasn't a respectable trade.

*I could be wrong about this, though. If I am, terribly sorry K-B.

No you got it right. The thing looks like a stiff breeze would break it in two.

[Avilan the Grey]

If I was a GM I would do an adventure / dungeon using GT and other ridiculed beasts in a Tuckeresque fashion...

[Arachu]

Made the Screaming Skull (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115775) (or, the Cacophony Golem, as Rappy put it :smallsmile: (it totally says that in the thread :smalltongue:))

... As GM, I promise to make creatures regarded as 'joke monsters' truly frightening. The imp? Weak? I beg to differ. The Kobold, cowardly? Not so much. I shall bring an era of pain and death, led by goblin sorcerers and kobold paladins of tyranny, and all run-of-the-mill NPCs will bow, and be destroyed.:smallfurious:

:smalltongue:

[Eldan]

Since when are imps retarded? I mean, there was a quasit in Desire and the Dead, and after I fleshed him out and gave him a swashbuckler level, hat and cape, the PCs spent half a session talking to him. They also sold him slaves for the bloodwar.

[Arachu]

See, there's an imp that doesn't just talk people into killing each other; he does it himself :smallwink:

[Eldan]

Rarely, actually. He was much more a talker than a fighter, despite his silver rapier. After all, he claimed to be a noble.
He nearly managed to convince the (chaotic good) sorcerer to accept him as a familiar, though.

[Ebonsword]

Oh and if you think the Demi-Lich is stupid you clearly never played Planescape: Torment Tomb of Horrors, floating skulls are awesome.

There, fixed that for you. :smalltongue:

Seriously, though, that list totally fails for not having the flumph on it.

[Katasi]

I would say its more a "Whoops accidently created new species while screwing around with the laws of reality." as a "Hey fellow, you know what sounds fun? 'If we breed a duck with dragon!".

And in a time without garbage disposal the end of the story is usually that all of this Whopps-creatures are put into a pit where only the biggest and meanest gets out after eating the rest of them.

I'm gonna have to go with mostly the former, with some of the latter, and a splash of rule 34 here and there.

[doliest]

As a DnD player and a Cracked reader, I'm going to side with cracked here in that all of those monsters are ridiculous/stupid/ or really weird looking...also I have to agree that smacking Demi-liches out of the air really is the easiest way to deal with them.

[Ravens_cry]

I'm gonna have to go with mostly the former, with some of the latter, and a splash of rule 34 here and there.
So that's why wizards wear those long robes.:smallamused:

[Katasi]

So that's why wizards wear those long robes.:smallamused:

of course it is. You didn't realize that before?

[Ohgodtherats]

Disclaimer: Don't mind me jumping in...been meaning to for a while and, well, I saw my chance. And it gave me an excuse to completely fail at defending my sense of humor.

You guys are too kind somehow. I will say this as the guy who wrote that Head Injury Theater article (Hi, I'm Jared) that the "Lion's Head doing a Cartwheel of Lion's Legs" monster was definitely one I missed and, mythological or not, yeah, that's pretty damn goofy. I'm reminded of the Purple Halfling-eater...I can't recall the name but it's a big purple ape head with like six arms...the word "Mouther" comes to mind at present. Saved the picture someone sent me, but not the text/book reference:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/OhGodtheRats/mouther.jpg
All I remember from the flavor text is "The Mouther is so infamous for eating Halflings that when one Halfling doesn't return from an adventure, they use the expression "He got Mouthed." There's a prostitute joke in there and it's a cheap one.

4th edition's been mostly good about not giving us new fodder, though the whole "Fell Taint" thing is pretty darn hilarious. (Has your Taint Fallen? Then you might have become a victim of Fell Taint.) The fact that they're ghostly piles of phallusi doesn't help matters much.

Rappy: In my defense I'll say two things:
1. I'm not above the Cheap Jokes, though in the case of the Were-Tigress with the 4 rows of nipples I'll just say that when I'm afraid, nervous, or frightened I make jokes. Cheap, Cheap Jokes. Often about people who are remarkably comfortable with 4 rows of tiger nipple. It can't be helped.
2. Part 1 of that article was written waaaaaaaay before I ever played Dungeons and Dragons and to an outsider looking in a lot of things look really, really stupid. And I don't accept the "it's based on Folklore." Mythology is infamous for being goofy-retarded. There's a reason I included the flaming-poop-shooting Bonnacon as the final monsters. The problem with so many D&D monsters is that they make sense...in context. To normal outsiders though? Different story.
Now that I play (and run and work for) Dungeons & Dragons though, I'm not sure I get to play the "outsider" card as freely as I used to.
:end rambling:
-Jared

PS: Been meaning to join this forum for a while (I read Erfworld regularly) and when I saw this thread I decided to get off my lazy butt and register. Sorry for the intrusion, don't mind me.

[Katasi]

Disclaimer: Don't mind me jumping in...been meaning to for a while and, well, I saw my chance. And it gave me an excuse to completely fail at defending my sense of humor.

You guys are too kind somehow. I will say this as the guy who wrote that Head Injury Theater article (Hi, I'm Jared) that the "Lion's Head doing a Cartwheel of Lion's Legs" monster was definitely one I missed and, mythological or not, yeah, that's pretty damn goofy. I'm reminded of the Purple Halfling-eater...I can't recall the name but it's a big purple ape head with like six arms...the word "Mouther" comes to mind at present. Saved the picture someone sent me, but not the text/book reference:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/OhGodtheRats/mouther.jpg
All I remember from the flavor text is "The Mouther is so infamous for eating Halflings that when one Halfling doesn't return from an adventure, they use the expression "He got Mouthed." There's a prostitute joke in there and it's a cheap one.

4th edition's been mostly good about not giving us new fodder, though the whole "Fell Taint" thing is pretty darn hilarious. (Has your Taint Fallen? Then you might have become a victim of Fell Taint.) The fact that they're ghostly piles of phallusi doesn't help matters much.

Rappy: In my defense I'll say two things:
1. I'm not above the Cheap Jokes, though in the case of the Were-Tigress with the 4 rows of nipples I'll just say that when I'm afraid, nervous, or frightened I make jokes. Cheap, Cheap Jokes. Often about people who are remarkably comfortable with 4 rows of tiger nipple. It can't be helped.
2. Part 1 of that article was written waaaaaaaay before I ever played Dungeons and Dragons and to an outsider looking in a lot of things look really, really stupid. And I don't accept the "it's based on Folklore." Mythology is infamous for being goofy-retarded. There's a reason I included the flaming-poop-shooting Bonnacon as the final monsters. The problem with so many D&D monsters is that they make sense...in context. To normal outsiders though? Different story.
Now that I play (and run and work for) Dungeons & Dragons though, I'm not sure I get to play the "outsider" card as freely as I used to.
:end rambling:
-Jared

PS: Been meaning to join this forum for a while (I read Erfworld regularly) and when I saw this thread I decided to get off my lazy butt and register. Sorry for the intrusion, don't mind me.


Well welcome to the forum.

[Logalmier]

...also I have to agree that smacking Demi-liches out of the air really is the easiest way to deal with them.

How would you smack a Demi-Lich out of the air if it's almost immune to all of your attacks? It's not just that simple, especially seeing as the Demi-Lich sucks out your soul if you touch it.

Also, I've always regarded Gelatinous cubes to be a 'trap monster.' I've placed Gelatinous cubes in 10x10 pits and watched players take acid damage as they tryed to kill it.

[Rutskarn]

Not to sound like a fanboyish fanboyerson, ohgod, but I thought that article was pretty damn funny. It got me to read the rest of the site and keep up with new updates, anyway.

Also, there's totally nothing wrong with joining a forum for business related to a comedic internet endeavor involving mixtures of artistic endeavors and snarkery. Anyone who does that is totally in the clear. And should be given some visitors. And money.*

*The FDA would like to report potentially hazardous levels of self interest in this statement. Proceed with caution.

[Ohgodtherats]

Also, there's totally nothing wrong with joining a forum for business related to a comedic internet endeavor involving mixtures of artistic endeavors and snarkery. Anyone who does that is totally in the clear. And should be given some visitors. And money.*

*The FDA would like to report potentially hazardous levels of self interest in this statement. Proceed with caution.

Oh god No...my guilt is being activated. To be fair, I was enough of a forum monkey (Kingdom of Loathing) to get an inherent hatred for self-promoting folks who'd join forums only to say "Hey, you guys should look over here". Now that I have a site I feel like I need to keep it quiet when I join a new place...the flipside being I have Host Goblins who let me know when folks are linking in and chatting away. It's a conundrum.

On topic: If the flying skulls had hair wouldn't they be Castlevania monsters?

[Yarram]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

Well first you get a 10ft wide hallway, then you drop two of them on either side of the adventurers.

EDIT: And have cloakers and dire bats come from the roof too for good measure.

[Rutskarn]

Oh god No...my guilt is being activated. To be fair, I was enough of a forum monkey (Kingdom of Loathing) to get an inherent hatred for self-promoting folks who'd join forums only to say "Hey, you guys should look over here". Now that I have a site I feel like I need to keep it quiet when I join a new place...the flipside being I have Host Goblins who let me know when folks are linking in and chatting away. It's a conundrum.

On topic: If the flying skulls had hair wouldn't they be Castlevania monsters?

To the first: oh, of course, joining a site just to say "Lookee-here" is bad form, since it disrespects the community. Joining a site, saying something personal-site related, and then continuing as a member of the site is completely different.

To the second: Unfortunately, no. It's like fish--if you take a D&D monster out of its natural environment and place it in another, it grows sickly and perishes. Don't ask how a skeleton head can grow sickly. It just can, okay?

[Cryssandra]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

I honestly believe it to be an ESSENTIAL part of any "fun" dungeon!
It is so fun to have a room with 3 10' cavities in the walls!
You open a door.... BAM!
You're faced with giant Jell-O Cubes of death!

[Logalmier]

I honestly believe it to be an ESSENTIAL part of any "fun" dungeon!
It is so fun to have a room with 3 10' cavities in the walls!
You open a door.... BAM!
You're faced with giant Jell-O Cubes of death!

Exactly! The gelatinous cube is an accessory item for dungeons. DMs see them, and they think of ways to trap players with them. Without DMs to create situations where gelatinous cubes can trap and feed on players, they wouldn't exist!

[Yulian]

I know it sounds crazy, but I like the owl bear. Eyes the size of dinner plates, big raking claws, a beak ready to feast on your entrails, and a shrill shriek that will chill even the staunchest warriors heart? That's pretty monstrous.
Just don't think too long about it's parentage, that will make your brain explode.

I sicced a rabid, one-eyed one on a party when running a Ravenloft game. It traumatized the cleric due to its being so deeply unnatural. It also nearly killed an entire lvl 5-6 party using 3.5 rules.

As stated previously, the demi-lich is a team-stomper.

As for Bill Cosby's favourite monster, it's really all in how you use them. Ya gotta think like Grimtooth.

In my mind, since they're cubes and all, they're obviously artificially created. They slowly sweep down hallways, scouring them clean of organic matter. With a relatively constant, known speed and inability to pass through inorganic doors, they can be easily avoided or herded by a dungeon's denizens.

See, the real fun, to me, isn't a gelatinous cube random encounter, it's having the monsters who live in the dungeon drive the PCs down a dark hallway during a cube's "cleaning cycle".

- Yulian

[sealemon]

Too bad I can't access that list from work, I'll have to check it out when I get home.

That said, the demi lich? Ummm...no. That thing is scary as heck. And looks wise? It's a floating skull. There's much sillier things out there, liek the flumph or the much under exposed magisty of the flail snail (Gotta love the Fiend Folio 1.o).

And chaulk me up as another lover of GC's. As long as they're not over used they make great traps. The floating skeleton idea is a great idea...so is simply having a dead npc in a cube moving down a shadowy 10' wide corridor. make the corpse a gnome or halfling for plenty of fun!


Not to mention the fact that starfish have never been seen as particularly threatening to anything that doesn't spend its life in a hard shell anchored to a rock somewhere.

You must not read Justice League of America.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starro

[sealemon]

In my mind, since they're cubes and all, they're obviously artificially created. They slowly sweep down hallways, scouring them clean of organic matter. With a relatively constant, known speed and inability to pass through inorganic doors, they can be easily avoided or herded by a dungeon's denizens.

See, the real fun, to me, isn't a gelatinous cube random encounter, it's having the monsters who live in the dungeon drive the PCs down a dark hallway during a cube's "cleaning cycle".

Yes. Exactly how I see the GC. I've always pictured them like those fish in an aquarium who clean the sides of the tank. Very much like the otugh, you'd have smarter monsters who'd use the GC to help kill them tougher adventurers (Dang crafty kobolds!)

[Shraik]

it has those weird cactus things from sandstorm but not the Saguaro Sentinels? They're giant walking cactus. And not just cactus, but Saguaro cactus, so they have that weird shape that make them look just frightening and ridiculous.

http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/sand_gallery/87634.jpg

It just looks weird....

Also, Gulguthydras, awful mixes between Hydras and Otyugh. It's a smelly, disgusting, tractor trailor with six mouths that eats poop. The idea is good if they clean out sewers, but not for much else.

And the Mystic Wanderer PrC basicly is a magical prostitute. It's interesting. Picture looks like a prostitute, and the magical ability to resist Disease as a feature. So wonderful what DnD produces.

[Cryssandra]

it has those weird cactus things from sandstorm but not the Saguaro Sentinels? They're giant walking cactus. And not just cactus, but Saguaro cactus, so they have that weird shape that make them look just frightening and ridiculous.

http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/sand_gallery/87634.jpg



Not gonna lie....
That could very well be one of the strangest D&D creatures i have seen

[Bhu]

Y'know I've personall always believed half the appeal of the goofier dnd monsters was so the DM could have the satisfaction of hearing his players say "I got my ___ kicked by a WHAT?"

[The Glyphstone]

I've never seen Saguaro Sentinels as particularly weird. They look kinda silly, but they're just really Cactus Treants when you think about it.

Now I want to see someone homebrew an Evergreen Treant....

[Cryssandra]

Y'know I've personall always believed half the appeal of the goofier dnd monsters was so the DM could have the satisfaction of hearing his players say "I got my ___ kicked by a WHAT?"

That's what i love hearing my players say!

[Bhu]

That's what i love hearing my players say!

Me too. It's why I made Habanero Dryads :xykon:

[Eerie]

I just had an idea for a scary, yet realistic monster. A three meters high flightless owl, ambushing predator of the winter forests. Deadly silent. You don`t notice anything until it is right behind you. The last thing you see is a towering mass of snow white feathers and two huge eyes. Then it tears your face off.

You have been owled.