Parents and Money.

[Moonshadow]

Ok, so I'm a classic good for nothing son, I live at home at 22, work 3 jobs, pay board and all that jazz, trying to save up for a car among other things. Now, lately, my parents have been needing to borrow money from me, for varieties of things, from paying bills to fixing the cars, etc.

Now, this doesn't bother me, because I'm quite happy to put my life on hold to help out my wonderful parents who even now, continue to put up with my useless hardworking self.

But lately, they're becoming a tad reluctant to borrow more money from me (they sorta owe me about 500 bucks by now, but no matter how many times I tell them to forget about paying me back, they ignore me) and this is somewhat painful, because I love them dearly and I want to give back a little of what they gave to me.

So... how do I get them to stop arguing and take the money if they need it? =/

[Linkavitch]

Hmm, difficult. Just tell your parents that since you're living in their house, Even though you're paying the rent, maybe the rent should go up a little bit for a while. Then, your parents don't feel like they are taking money from you and not paying you back, and you still get to help them out.

[golfmade]

Actually, I would say you're far from a good for nothing son. If you try to bring it up and they ignore it perhaps write them a letter and ask for them to respond.

[bosssmiley]

Just sit them down and have the "There are three grown-ups here" chat. Something like:


"You bore and raised me, and in all those years you didn't charge a penny for it. Not when I was sick; not when I was a right little brat; not when I did stupid things and got myself into trouble. Now I'm a grown man and I'm in a position to help you when you need it. Please let me do so."

Make sure they know it's not a big deal; you just want to be sure they're not worrying where they don't have to.


I'm a classic good for nothing son, I live at home at 22, work 3 jobs, pay board and all that jazz, trying to save up for a car among other things...

That is not a good-for-nothing son (I know - to my shame - of what I speak here). It sounds like they did a good job with you Yuuki_Jaggar. They should be proud. :smallamused:

[xPANCAKEx]

do the weekly grocery shopping for them (pre-empt it - if they normally do the shopping on saturday, hit the stores friday night). When they try to give you cash, flatly refuse

[Mr. Mud]

do the weekly grocery shopping for them (pre-empt it - if they normally do the shopping on saturday, hit the stores friday night). When they try to give you cash, flatly refuse

Seconding this. If Boss' talking it out solution makes no difference, just do the little things. Get the groceries. Get the movies for Friday Night. Fill up the cars with gas. Et Cetera.

Being a "good for nothing son", I can safely say, you are good for a lot more than you give yourself the credit for Yuuki. Don't cut yourself short, and don't say your not good enough for anything. 'Cause you are. :smallbiggrin:

[Syka]

The way my mom, sister, and I handle it is all our money basically goes into one pot. (Not literally, but basically any money coming into the house is shared). When I get my biweekly paycheck I take out about 50 dollars for spending cash for the next two weeks and the rest goes into a savings account, which my mom's name is also on. So far it hasn't been touched, but it's there if we need it, and heck- she borrows money more from me than I do her now, lol.

But this way there is no hard feelings over spending someone elses cash or someone taking too much. Any major purchases are usually in benefit of the whole family, and the rest is just small stuff.

[skywalker]

Just sit them down and have the "There are three grown-ups here" chat. Something like:


"You bore and raised me, and in all those years you didn't charge a penny for it. Not when I was sick; not when I was a right little brat; not when I did stupid things and got myself into trouble. Now I'm a grown man and I'm in a position to help you when you need it. Please let me do so."

Make sure they know it's not a big deal; you just want to be sure they're not worrying where they don't have to.

On the other hand, if this doesn't work, take the money. They never felt like you were going to owe them anything, and they still don't think you do. They never told you they expected something back.

But in this case, money was borrowed. Not gifted. It could be a point of pride that they pay you back.

[Raien]

I'd probably be sneaky about it...like, put a $20 in the pocket of a coat they'll be wearing soon, so they just think it's money they forgot about, or depending on how close they watch their bank account, go to the bank and make a deposit into their account (banks generally don't ask for ID on deposits, at least not the ones I've dealt with), not too big so it's not super obvious, and hopefully they'll just think they made a miscalculation.

Like other people were saying, buying groceries without telling them, and if they try to pay you back, play the same ignoring game they do with you. :smallbiggrin:

[Moff Chumley]

Agreed. Damn, I wish I had your problem... :smalltongue:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

If they won't take the money, I will! My PayPal account is... :smallwink:

Seriously, you could be up front about it and have the chat "the Boss" suggested, or you could go the sneaky route. And not a few dollars tucked away in a coat pocket, but put them in a position where they have no choice but to accept.

"Golly, Bor...How do I do that?"

I'll tell you! :smallsmile: You will need:

1. The money.
2. A friend your parents don't know.
3. A computer with a working printer.
4. Envelope and stamp.

I believe you should be able to do this where you are in the world...Turn the money into a money order made out to your parents. Have your friend fill it out to your mother or father; this way the handwriting isn't yours. Use the computer to print out a note that reads, "Please accept this aid from a benevolent and concerned party." Wrap the money order in the note, place the note-wrapped money order in the envelope (also filled out by your friend), and then mail it from a nearby town (so the post mark isn't the same as your home town).

Your parents will be mystified and unable to do anything but accept it, because there will be no return address on the envelope, and the money order will be made out to them. (Be sure to hang on to (and hide) the receipt, on the off chance the money order gets lost or destroyed.) Yes, you could just mail them cash, but if it gets lost in the mail, there's no way to recover/track it.

Since I don't exactly know how it all works in Australia, I leave it to you to make sure all of your tracks are covered so your parents can't trace the money back to you.

Oh...as for being the "good for nothing son," you are as far from it as I can imagine. There will be plenty of people to beat you up emotionally in life, so stop doing it yourself and leave it to them. :smallwink:

[Erloas]

If you want to help your parents that is fine. However the best way to help them is by helping them in the way they want you to and not more. Most people with even a little bit of self respect have a hard time borrowing money for minor things, its a matter of pride as much as anything. Borrowing from your kid, someone that until very recently they were the ones taking care of is even more difficult.

By trying to force them to not pay you back you are actually much more likely to have them never ask to borrow money again, even if they really need it. They probably don't want to be a charity case, and they aren't looking for a handout, they just needed a little help for some unusual circumstances.


Now, this doesn't bother me, because I'm quite happy to put my life on hold to help out my wonderful parentsAnd of course this is exactly what they probably don't want to happen.

[thubby]

you can't force people to take your charity, and trying to can easily offend.

[Moonshadow]

Hrm.... I'm not trying to make them seem like a charity case or anything... but I guess I personally feel like I want to be respected as an equal, and I want them to take what I freely will give them because I already feel like I owe them so much as it is.

They're my parents, I value them more than anything in this world. Their love and respect mean everything to me.

And as for them being proud of me... I really don't know about that, and I'm deathly scared to ask :smallfrown:

[Quincunx]

Seconding this. If Boss' talking it out solution makes no difference, just do the little things. Get the groceries. Get the movies for Friday Night. Fill up the cars with gas. Et Cetera.

Being a "good for nothing son", I can safely say, you are good for a lot more than you give yourself the credit for Yuuki. Don't cut yourself short, and don't say your not good enough for anything. 'Cause you are. :smallbiggrin:

Thirding this. I won't get into the generational issues, but it worked well when sharing a house with others. You can't as easily summon the moral outrage to return goods which you needed to stock up on anyway, or notice that the condiments jar is a good bit closer to full than you thought it was. It's not "giving extra money", it's "trying to be responsible for what I used up".

@V: Utilities! Of course, I should've realized! Transfer one utility to be in your name, so that you can use it to build up a credit history for when you do move out.

[Erloas]

Well if they are needing the money an easier way for you to give it to them and them to not have to feel bad about it is to renegotiate how much you are paying them for rent. Not sure about the food situations, if you are eating with them a lot its not hard to justify including more in rent because of it or buying some stuff on your own. If you don't have a car and are using theirs then its easy enough to fill it up more regularly, but also you might justify including more in rent to cover things like insurance for their car since they have to pay extra to have you on it, and justify a little extra in rent to cover things like power, heating, water etc.

[Lady Tialait]

I have a similar problem, but not the same.

My father for some reason likes to give me money. Every time I see him he'll give me money.

Not a problem, usually. However, I talk to my sisters and brother. They know how tight money is for my dad. He has had problems randomly. He'll give me like ten bucks, and I'll try to refuse, he'll use paternal authority, i'll take the cash, then my sisters or brother will tell me that dad is trying to find a new job because he got fired.


Do you realize how peeved this makes me? I refuse and refuse...but that doesn't seem to matter...

Money is hard to deal with in a family type thing.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...I think I have the solution. Since there is a feeling of rising tension over the family finances, you need a leveling of humor for relief. So what you do is put money in an envelope, sneak into your parents' room late at night, and leave it next to your dad's alarm clock (or whatever) with the following note:


To: Mr. (your dad's name)
From: The Tooth Fairy Conglomerate
Re: Accounts Payable Error

Dear Mr. (same drill);

The institution of an oversight committee into our dealings with mortals during their formative years, specifically during the loss of dental equipment, has brought to light numerous incidents of underpayment on behalf of said mortals. A third party accounting firm was brought in to assess these oversights, and this letter is to inform you that you are one of the unfortunate mortals that received inadequate payment of teeth lost in your youth.

To rectify this, we have taken into account various social and economic changes, and have calculated what you are due in total to date. Unfortunately, our institution doesn't have the immediate finances to pay all of the parties, like yourself, who were denied full payment and are due a significant amount of money.

Please accept this installation of (amount of money enclosed) along with our most sincere apologies, and know that we are working as swiftly as possibly to rectify any losses you may have suffered due to our poor bookkeeping.

Regards,


Tooth Fairy #273

PS: I was going to leave this under your pillow, but your head has grown larger and heavier since you were a child, and I broke a sweat just carrying this notice. It's the price I pay for being 5 cm. tall.

Be sure to scribble "TF 273" just above the printed "Tooth Fairy #273" to make it look...official. :smallwink:

Now, because your parents are taking this seriously, and seem intent on paying you back, despite you having said they shouldn't worry about it, it's up to you to keep the tension out of the situation. So when your mom or dad begins to get upset over their finances, and/or the situation of paying you back, you simply say to them, "Look...There are A LOT of kids in the world. It's going to take the Tooth Fairy Conglomerate a long time to get to my account. And if anything is owed, I'm sure I'll find an envelope next to my bed some time down the road." :smallbiggrin:

*sigh* I hope that helps.

[bosssmiley]

I have a similar problem, but not the same.

My father for some reason likes to give me money. Every time I see him he'll give me money.

Not a problem, usually. However, I talk to my sisters and brother. They know how tight money is for my dad. He has had problems randomly. He'll give me like ten bucks, and I'll try to refuse, he'll use paternal authority, i'll take the cash, then my sisters or brother will tell me that dad is trying to find a new job because he got fired.

Do you realize how peeved this makes me? I refuse and refuse...but that doesn't seem to matter...

Accept the money in the spirit which your father offers it. Then put the money aside for a rainy day (yours or his; it doesn't matter), or for his next Father's Day/Bday/Xmas gift.

He's yer old man. He'll always want to look after 'his princess'; even down to his last dollar; even when she's grown up. That's what makes him Dad. :smallcool:

BTW, have you phoned your dad to tell him you love him today?

*sniff* Dusty in here, innit?