View Full Version : The Joke Monster Thread!

2009-07-02, 01:52 PM
Hey all,

Joke monsters. We've all seen them. We've all thought of them. Well, here's a place to put 'em! :smallcool:

This thread is for ridiculous, silly, or just plain over-the-top creatures. It is suggested you actually create a functioning hombrew for it (so it can be used :smallsmile:), but it is also allowed (nay, advocated!) to slip in little jokes as you go. It'll be fun. We promise.

Oh, and as I'm about to demonstrate, it is allowed to take something similar to something established, such as a template that already exists or a type that already exists, so long as it's used in a way you would never consider seriously (like a half-dragon ooze template, for example).

I shall begin with a creature I should've finished a month ago :smalltongue:

Zohm sprinted through the jungle, as fast as his short Dwarven legs could carry him. He could hear the taunting whoops of the creature chasing him. There was a kind of dread about the shrieking voice, but he couldn’t pin it down (though he never attempted to).

Zohm dove into a nearby cave, and raised his hammer high.

All was quiet (no, silent!) for several minutes.

And then, with a terrifying “SHRIIIEEEK!!!” the gnarled, mangled face of Death itself jumped at him!
It was… The dreaded Weremonkey!!!


A weremonkey is a type of lycanthrope, and as such, it counts as either an acquired template, or a more potent inherited template. It can be applied to any living, humanoid creature of Diminutive, Tiny, or Small size (hereafter referred to as the base creature). Becoming a weremonkey is like multiclassing as a monkey.

Size and Type: The base creature’s type does not change, but the creature gains the shapechanger subtype. The base creature takes on some of the characteristics of a monkey, such as short fur and a long face. They are also likely to shriek in a very annoying manner when frightened. Disturbingly, weremonkeys have a certain tendency to… Well, it involves throwing something that should never be touched. Ever.

Hit Dice: Hit Dice are the same as the base creature + 1D8.

Speed: Same as the base creature while in humanoid form. 30 ft (6 squares) while in monkey form (with 30ft. per round climb speed in monkey form). Hybrids use the base creature’s speed.

Armor Class: The base creature’s natural armor bonus increases by +2 in all forms. In hybrid form, the lycanthrope’s natural armor bonus is equal to the natural armor bonus of the base animal, as monkeys have no natural armor.

Base Attack/Grapple: +0 base attack bonus. +0/-12 in monkey form.

Attacks: Same as the base creature or base animal, depending on which form the lycanthrope is using. A lycanthrope in hybrid form gains two claw attacks and a bite attack as natural weapons.

A weremonkey in hybrid form can bite once for 1D4 damage and claw twice for 1D3 damage each. They typically opt to use the weapon(s) that the base creature uses, because they get annoyed when their target dies of an infection in the middle of the fight (it takes so long, they get infections in the first bites (ba-dum-pum!)).

Special Attacks: A lycanthrope retains the special attacks of the base creature or base animal, depending on which form it is using, and also gains the special attacks described below.
A lycanthrope’s hybrid form does not gain any special attacks of the base animal. A lycanthrope spellcaster cannot cast spells with verbal, somatic, or material components while in animal form, or spells with verbal components while in hybrid form.

In monkey form, the weremonkey has no special attacks. Oddly, this seems to help in combat, because it ****** them off so badly that they punch things even harder.

Curse of Lycanthropy (Su): Any humanoid or giant hit by a natural lycanthrope’s bite attack in animal or hybrid form must succeed on a DC 15 Fortitude save or contract lycanthropy. If the victim’s size is not within one size category of the lycanthrope the victim cannot contract lycanthropy from that lycanthrope. Afflicted lycanthropes cannot pass on the curse of lycanthropy.

Alternate Form (Su): A weremonkey can shift into the shape of a monkey as a full-round action as though it were doing so with a Polymorph spell (well, maaaaybe Baleful Polymorph). Its equipment is not affected, so heavy armor is discouraged in order to prevent becoming trapped in it. The weremonkey does not regain hit points by alternating its form. It can also morph into a hybrid form… That is completely different from its monkey form (we swear).

In monkey form, ability scores alter in this way;
STR: -4, DEX: +2, CON: +0

A dead weremonkey returns to its humanoid form (well, its more humanoid form). Somehow, however, severed body parts continue to resemble a monkey’s.
Afflicted lycanthropes find this ability difficult to control (see Lycanthropy as an Affliction, below), but natural lycanthropes have full control over this power.

Damage Reduction (Ex): An afflicted weremonkey in animal or hybrid form has damage reduction 5/silver. A natural weremonkey in animal or hybrid form has damage reduction 10/silver.

Lycanthropic Empathy (Ex): In any form, weremonkeys can communicate and empathize with normal or dire monkeys (arguably, one and the same). This gives them a +4 racial bonus on checks when influencing the animal’s attitude and allows the communication of simple concepts and (if the animal is friendly) commands, such as “friend,” “foe,” “flee,” and “attack.”

Low-Light Vision (Ex): A weremonkey has low-light vision in any form, despite the fact that monkeys aren’t nocturnal.

Scent (Ex): Weremonkeys have the Scent (ability) in any given form.

Skills: A lycanthrope gains skill points equal to (2 + Int modifier, minimum 1) per Hit Die of its animal form, as if it had multiclassed into the animal type. (Animal is never its first Hit Die, though, and it does not gain quadruple skill points for any animal Hit Die.) Any skill given in the animal’s description is a class skill for the lycanthrope’s animal levels. In any form, a lycanthrope also has any racial skill bonuses of the base creature and of the base animal, although conditional skill bonuses only apply in the associated form.

Feats: A weremonkey gains Iron Will as a bonus feat. It also gains Weapon Finesse, but it can’t use it if it doesn’t meet the prerequisites. If the base creature already had Weapon Finesse, just ignore this portion as though I never typed it.

Environment: Warm Forests, near the Base Creature’s home, the bowels of Hell…

Organization: Solitary or pair, sometimes family (3–4), pack (6–10), or troupe (4+5 monkeys)

Treasure: Standard

Alignment: Always pure Chaotic Evil. Even in humanoid form. Even for Aasimar. Always.

… Okay, so some are Lawful, or Good, or whatever…

When a character contracts lycanthropy through a lycanthrope’s bite (see above), no symptoms appear until the first night of the next full moon. On that night, the afflicted character involuntarily assumes animal form and forgets his or her own identity, temporarily becoming an NPC. The character remains in animal form, assuming the appropriate alignment, until the next dawn.
The character’s actions during this first episode are dictated by the alignment of its animal form. The character remembers nothing about the entire episode (or subsequent episodes) unless he succeeds on a DC 15 Wisdom check, in which case he becomes aware of his lycanthropic condition.
Thereafter, the character is subject to involuntary transformation under the full moon and whenever damaged in combat. He or she feels an overwhelming rage building up and must succeed on a Control Shape check (see below) to resist changing into animal form. Any player character not yet aware of his or her lycanthropic condition temporarily becomes an NPC during an involuntary change, and acts according to the alignment of his or her animal form.
A character with awareness of his condition retains his identity and does not lose control of his actions if he changes. However, each time he changes to his animal form, he must make a Will save (DC 15 + number of times he has been in animal form) or permanently assume the alignment of his animal form in all shapes.
Once a character becomes aware of his affliction, he can now voluntarily attempt to change to animal or hybrid form, using the appropriate Control Shape check DC. An attempt is a standard action and can be made each round. Any voluntary change to animal or hybrid form immediately and permanently changes the character’s alignment to that of the appropriate lycanthrope.

Changing Form
Changing form is a standard action. If the change is involuntary, the character performs the change on his next turn following the triggering event. Changing to animal or hybrid form ruins the character’s armor and clothing (including any items worn) if the new form is larger than the character’s natural form; carried items are simply dropped. Characters can hastily doff clothing while changing, but not armor. Magic armor survives the change if it succeeds on a DC 15 Fortitude save. An afflicted character who is not aware of his condition remains in animal form until the next dawn. An afflicted character who is aware of his or her condition (see above) can try to resume humanoid form following a change (voluntary or involuntary) with a Control Shape check, but if he fails his check, he remains in animal (or hybrid) form until the following dawn.

Curing Lycanthropy
An afflicted character who eats a sprig of belladonna (also called wolfsbane) within 1 hour of a lycanthrope’s attack can attempt a DC 20 Fortitude save to shake off the affliction. If a healer administers the herb, use the character’s save bonus or the healer’s Heal modifier, whichever is higher. The character gets only one chance, no matter how much belladonna is consumed. The belladonna must be reasonably fresh (picked within the last week).
However, fresh or not, belladonna is toxic. The character must succeed on a DC 13 Fortitude save or take 1d6 points of Strength damage. One minute later, the character must succeed on a second DC 13 save or take an additional 2d6 points of Strength damage.
A remove disease or heal spell cast by a cleric of 12th level or higher also cures the affliction, provided the character receives the spell within three days of the lycanthrope’s attack.
The only other way to remove the affliction is to cast remove curse or break enchantment on the character during one of the three days of the full moon. After receiving the spell, the character must succeed on a DC 20 Will save to break the curse (the caster knows if the spell works). If the save fails, the process must be repeated.
Characters undergoing this cure are often kept bound or confined in cages until the cure takes effect.
Only afflicted lycanthropes can be cured of lycanthropy.

Becoming a lycanthrope does not change a character’s favored class but usually changes alignment (see above). This alignment change may cause characters of certain classes to lose some of their class features.
Lycanthrope characters possess the following racial traits.
— +2 Wisdom. Physical abilities are increased by the animal form’s ability modifiers when a lycanthrope changes to its hybrid or animal forms.
—Size same as the base creature or the base animal form.
—Low-light vision in any form.
—Scent in any form.
—Racial Hit Dice: A lycanthrope adds the Hit Dice of its animal form to its base Hit Dice for race, level, and class. These additional Hit Dice modify the lycanthrope’s base attack bonus and base saving throw bonuses accordingly.
—Racial Skills: A lycanthrope adds skill points for its animal Hit Dice much as if it had multiclassed into the animal type. It gains skill points equal to (2 + Int modifier, minimum 1) per Hit Die of the animal form. Any skills that appear in the animal’s description are treated as class skills for the lycanthrope’s animal levels. The lycanthrope’s maximum skill ranks are equal to its animal form Hit Dice + its racial Hit Dice (if any) + its class levels + 3. Any racial skill adjustments of the lycanthrope’s base race and its animal form (but not conditional adjustments) are added to its skill modifiers in any form.
—Racial Feats: Add the animal’s Hit Dice to the base character’s own Hit Dice to determine how many feats the character has. All lycanthropes gain Iron Will as a bonus feat.
— +2 natural armor bonus in any form.
—Special Qualities (see above): Alternate form, lycanthropic empathy, curse of lycanthropy (in animal or hybrid form only).
—Afflicted lycanthrope: damage reduction 5/silver (in animal or hybrid form only).
—Natural lycanthrope: damage reduction 10/silver (in animal or hybrid form only).
—Automatic Languages: As base creature.
—Favored Class: Same as the base creature.
—Level adjustment: Same as the base creature +2 (afflicted) or +3 (natural).

Any character who has contracted lycanthropy and is aware of his condition can learn Control Shape as a class skill. (An afflicted lycanthrope not yet aware of his condition can attempt Control Shape checks untrained.) This skill determines whether an afflicted lycanthrope can control his shape. A natural lycanthrope does not need this skill, since it has full control over its shape.
Check (Involuntary Change): An afflicted character must make a check at moonrise each night of the full moon to resist involuntarily assuming animal form. An injured character must also check for an involuntary change after accumulating enough damage to reduce his hit points by one-quarter and again after each additional one-quarter lost.
Involuntary Change Control Shape DC
Resist involuntary change 25
On a failed check, the character must remain in animal form until the next dawn, when he automatically returns to his base form. A character aware of his condition may make one attempt to return to humanoid form (see below), but if he fails, he remains in animal form until the next dawn.
Retry (Involuntary Change): Check to resist an involuntary change once each time a triggering event occurs.
Check (Voluntary Change): In addition, an afflicted lycanthrope aware of his condition may attempt to use this skill voluntarily in order to change to animal form, assume hybrid form, or return to humanoid form, regardless of the state of the moon or whether he has been injured.
Involuntary Change Control Shape DC
Return to humanoid form (full moon*) 25
Return to humanoid form (not full moon) 20
Assume hybrid form 15
Voluntary change to animal form (full moon) 15
Voluntary change to animal form (not full moon) 20
* For game purposes, the full moon lasts three days every month.
Retry (Voluntary Change): A character can retry voluntary changes to animal form or hybrid form as often as he likes. Each attempt is a standard action. However, on a failed check to return to humanoid form, the character must remain in animal or hybrid form until the next dawn, when he automatically returns to humanoid form.
Special: An afflicted lycanthrope cannot attempt a voluntary change until it becomes aware of its condition (see Lycanthropy as an Affliction).

2009-07-02, 03:32 PM
Ritoru Kyojin

The following information about the Ritoru Kyojins can be obtained with a successful Nature check.

DC 15: A race of giant halflings, well over 5 feet tall, they are fair-skinned, orange-haired (on their feet too) and are well-known for their rich cuisine and shrines to demon lords such as Chairman Orcus, Chef Azazel and Oven Master Xaphan.
DC 20:Their magical practices tend to focus on demonology and they believe demons are intimately involved in their lives and when they die the demons judge a multi-course meal based around a theme of river eel and asparagus upon entering the afterlife. Some heretic cooks believe the final meal is made from udon and peaches.

(page 250 in the Monster Manual).

Chaos Chihuahua (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=5796245&postcount=1)
Mini-taur (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=5800924&postcount=8)

2009-07-02, 03:34 PM
I don't have the block on my computer, but I ran a game wherein the players fought as follows:
A dire weasel
3 Vampire ferrets
A Wireless Wizard whom summoned the USB Dongle Goblin
4 Ninja Turtles
The Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy
A badger
A mushroom
And a snake
(The last three, in a single combat)

2009-07-02, 05:01 PM
I believe I shall go ahead and post some of my oldy but goodies of a more silly nature, although in one case I shall have to simply link and can't take all the credit since I was statting out something from one of Rich's single panel voting incentives and drew heavily on a concept created by another... the results however have a LOT of work by me go into them.

In any case, let us start with one of my pun creatures.

M.I.R.V. Griffon
Large Magical Beast (Shapechanger?)
HD 6d10+18 (Average 51)
Speed 30 ft. (6 squares), fly 80 ft. (average)
Init: +2
AC 17 (-1 size, +2 Dex, +6 natural), touch 11, flat-footed 15
BAB +6; Grp +14
Attack Bite +10 melee (2d6+4)
Full-Attack Bite +10 melee (2d6+4) and 2 claws +7 melee (1d4+2)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Split Dive
Special Qualities Split Dive, Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent
Saves Fort +8 Ref +7 Will +3
Abilities Str 18, Dex 15, Con 16, Int 5, Wis 13, Cha 8
Skills Jump +7, Listen +6, Spot +10
Feats Weapon Finesse, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (bite), (Feat at 9HD will always be Iron Will)
Environment Temperate hills
Organization Solitary or Pair
Challenge Rating 4?
Treasure None
Alignment Usually Neutral
Advancement 8-10 HD (Large); 11-21 HD (Huge) AND/OR occasionally rogue levels (but without Trapfinding or Trap Sense)
Level Adjustment +4 (Cohort)

M.I.R.V. Griffons follow the same basic behaviors as griffons except that each one will hunt and/or fight as an individual or a hyper-loyal pack whichever it feels is most efficient, and they are even more likely to seek a height advantage against a foe (and to maintain altitude in any case) so that they can maintain their tactical option. They will sometimes sacrifice one or more splits so others can escape, or go into combat relying on such an escape if they are unsure of the odds, but they are aware of the consequences of such tactics (loss of HD and temporary reduction of mental stats).

M.I.R.V. Griffons have a +4 racial bonus on Listen and Spot checks.

Split Dive (Su)
Once per 10 minutes when diving a M.I.R.V. Griffon may split into a number of smaller Griffons in an explosion of feathers. The number may be from 2 to 1/2 of the originals HD (rounded down). It must dive, loosing at least 30 feet of altitude, directly before splitting (although this can be partially or entirely occuring in the previous round in some cases), and any attacks the splits make that round must be charges. This is technically a free action, but any actions or fractions of actions (such as distance moved) count against the actions that can be undertaken by each split. The total number of HD is conserved and must be split as evenly as possible while remaining counting numbers. Hitpoints are distributed amoung the splits as closely as possible to in proportion with HD while remaining counting integers and retaining the same total. The split Griffons have the same saves. They also have the same Feats, and total skill modifiers as the original EXCEPT for size modifiers, and changes from stat changes. BAB is recalculated based on new HD ((Should I change this to be equal to original BAB???)).The splitting does usually change stats and/or size class. Mental stats are always reduced by one from the original. The splits also act on the same initiative as the original.The mental stats of the Splits are each reduced by one. The splits can remain apart for no more than double the original M.I.R.V. Griffon's hit dice. If this limit is exceeded then all but the one with the most hit dice dies (ties broken by number of hitpoints remaining, then by the hive-mind's decision). In such a case the temporary reduction of mental stats remains in effect on the original (and stacks if it splits) for the following month. Any status effects on splits that rejoice are cumulative (but do NOT stack, so if one split was poisoned, one was Hasted and one was, and one was in a barbarian rage, then all these effects would be in effect on the re-combined Griffon). To rejoin all two (or more) living splits must do is occupy the same space (they can not otherwise occupy the same space, although if forced into each-other may elect to either rejoin or act as totally separate creatures would under the same circumstances)). The resulting M.I.R.V.ed Griffon continues its turn with the amount of actions (including fractional actions such as distance remaining on movement etc) equal to the lowest of the amounts available to the splits that formed it, and has hit dice and hitpoints each equal to the total of the splits that went into it. A split may not split unless it is the only one remaining alive (GMs discretion in cases where some splits are turned to stone, Imprisoned Etc) in which case, technically it is simply a Splitter Griffon (the point is merely semantic in this case).

Hive Mind (Su)
The splits of a given M.I.R.V. Griffon are in constant telepathic communication with eachother (with a range equal to 100 feet per hit die of the original splitter griffon), and are so hive-minded that any mind-influencing effect (as well as effects or parts of effects (such as the hedging out of control from Protection from Evil) that act against such effects) is rolled/applied only once against them, effects all of them, and they count as a single creature with the original number of hit dice (this includes getting them to attack eachother). Line of sight/effect is only needed to one of them to effect all of them. If one split of a given M.I.R.V. Griffon is aware of a particular danger, they all are. If one in such a group is not flat-footed, none of them are. No M.I.R.V.ed Griffon in such a group is considered flanked unless all of them are.

Pounce (Ex)
If a M.I.R.V. Griffon dives upon or charges a foe, it can make a full attack, including two rake attacks.

Rake (Ex)
Attack bonus Attack bonus as per claw attack, damage as given.

M.I.R.V.ed Griffon(2HD)
Medium Magical Beast (Shapechanger?)
HD 2d10+6 (17 hp for standard Splitter Griffon)
Speed 30 ft. (6 squares), fly 80 ft. (Good)
Init: +3
AC 17 (+3 Dex, +4 natural), touch 13, flat-footed 14
BAB +2; Grp +2
Attack Bite +6 melee (1d8)
Full-Attack Bite +6 melee (1d8) and 2 claws +3 melee (1d4)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Pounce, rake 1d6
Special Qualities Rejoin, Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent
Saves (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Abilities Str 10, Dex 17, Con 12, Int 4, Wis 12, Cha 7
Skills Jump +3, Listen +6, Spot +10
Feats Weapon Finesse, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (bite), (Iron Will if original was at least 9 HD)

M.I.R.V.ed Griffon(3HD)
Medium Magical Beast (Shapechanger?)
HD 3d10+9 (Standard Splitter Griffon will produce one with 25 hp and one with 26)
Speed 30 ft. (6 squares), fly 80 ft. (Good)
Init: +3
AC 17 (+3 Dex, +4 natural), touch 13, flat-footed 14
BAB +3; Grp +4
Attack Bite +5 melee (1d8+1)
Full-Attack Bite +5 melee (1d8+1) and 2 claws +? melee (1d4)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Pounce, rake 1d4+1
Special Qualities Rejoin, Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent
Saves (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Abilities Str 12, Dex 16, Con 12, Int 4, Wis 12, Cha 7
Skills Jump +8, Listen +6, Spot +10
Feats Weapon Finesse, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (bite), (Iron Will if original was at least 9 HD)

M.I.R.V.ed Griffon(4HD) (For use with advanced Splitter Griffons)
Medium Magical Beast (Shapechanger?)
HD 4HD (Average HP)
Speed 30 ft. (6 squares), fly 80 ft. (average)
Init: +2
AC 17 (+2 Dex, +5 natural), touch 12, flat-footed 15
BAB +4; Grp +6
Attack Bite +7 melee (1d8+2)
Full-Attack Bite +7 melee (1d8+2) and 2 claws +8 melee (1d4+2)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Pounce, rake 1d4+2
Special Qualities Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent
Saves (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Abilities Str 14, Dex 15, Con 13, Int 4, Wis 12, Cha 7
Skills (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Feats Weapon Finesse, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (bite), (Iron Will if original was at least 9 HD)

M.I.R.V.ed Griffon(5HD) (For use with advanced Splitter Griffons)
Medium Magical Beast (Shapechanger?)
HD 5d10 (Average HP)
Speed 30 ft. (6 squares), fly 80 ft. (average)
Init: +2
AC 17 (+2 Dex, +5 natural), touch 12, flat-footed 15
BAB +4; Grp +6
Attack Bite +7 melee (1d8+2)
Full-Attack Bite +7 melee (1d8+2) and 2 claws +8 melee (1d4+2)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Pounce, rake 1d4+2
Special Qualities Rejoin, Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent
Saves (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Abilities Str 16, Dex 15, Con 15, Int 4, Wis 12, Cha 7
Skills (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Feats Weapon Finesse, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (bite), Iron Will, (One more if original was at least 12 HD, usually power attack)

M.I.R.V.ed Griffon(6HD) (For use with advanced Splitter Griffons)
As standard unsplit Splitter Griffon, except as follows:
Abilities Int 4, Wis 12, Cha 7
Skills (As Original modified for stat changes, but NOT for HD reduction)
Feats Weapon Finesse, Multiattack, Weapon Focus (bite), Iron Will, (One more usually power attack)

Treat splits with 7 or more hit dice as advanced splitter griffons except they can't split, have the hive-mind, etc.

2009-07-02, 05:08 PM
The term the pun is based on is "Sotto Voce (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sotto_voce)", which is technically Italian.
Soda Vulture
Small Elemental (Air, Water)
HD 2d8+2 (11 hp)
Speed 10 ft. (2 squares); Fly 40 ft (Clumsy)
Init: +1 (+1 Dex)
AC 14; touch 12; flat-footed 13
(+1 size, +1 Dex, +2 Natural)
BAB +1; Grp -2
Attack Bite +2 melee (1d4+1 plus Killing Touch)
Full-Attack Bite +2 melee (1d4+1 plus Killing Touch)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Elemental Vomit, Killing Touch
Special Qualities Immune to disease, Take-off Roll, 50% chance of Scent (roll once for all encountered at one time), ?Turn Resistance +1?
Saves Fort +4 Ref +4 Will +2
Abilities Str 12, Dex 13, Con 13, Int 2, Wis 14, Cha 5
Skills Spot +15
Feats Dodge
Environment Any Non-Arctic (but most often in deserts), Elemental Plane of Air
Organization Solitary or Flock(3-10)
Challenge Rating 2
Treasure None
Alignment Always Neutral
Advancement 3-4 HD (Small); 5-7 HD (Medium)
This creature is a mass of water, shot through with a huge number of small bubbles. Its shape is like that of a great soaring bird, right down to the feathers, except for the head which is noticeably smoother.

Soda Vultures are scavengers, only attacking the dead or dying that they spot while soaring high above... they will approach a dying creature with care, and waiting patiently until it can put up little or no further resistance. If attacked, they will use their elemental vomit, but they do not generally attack fleeing foes. They may however follow them at a distance, just like they would any other creature.

Elemental Vomit(Su): As a last resort defensive measure a water bird may greatly increase the slightly acid nature of a small part of its substance and vomit it at an attacker. This deals the Soda Vulture 3 hp of damage, has a range increment of 10 feet, a maximum range of 30 feet, and is otherwise similar to Melf's Acid Arrow with a caster level equal to double the water bird's hit-dice.

Killing Touch(Su): Soda Vultures do not eat or drink in the normal senses of the words, but rather must take air and water from other organisms to survive. If a water bird hits a living creature that breaths air and contains water with its bite attack, or would have hit had it been a touch attack, and (after damage, if any, from the bite attack is resolved) that creature has less than zero hit-points then the creature is instantly slain as the water bird draws forth the water from the body and the air from the lungs. On the following turn it incorporates these materials into its body as a full round action. This ability also works on dead (NOT undead or deathless) creatures that have been dead for less than 1 hour per hit-die that the water-bird possesses. In either case, the remaining corpse is totally desiccated, but if handled with care to prevent too much fracturing/tearing (and not previously undead etc etc), is still suitable for Raise Dead. If Create Water and Gust of Wind are both cast on a water bird within one round of eachother, this also will sustain it as if it had "eaten" until it could "eat" no more.

Take-off Roll(Ex): Soda Vultures must run for a full round in a straight line, moving the maximum distance their speed would allow (so 40 feet), to build up speed for one round before taking off and may not change direction while flying the following round.

Soda Vultures have a +8 racial bonus on Spot checks and may use Spot in place of Heal and/or Sense Motive to determine the state of health of creatures.

Soda Vultures often mutter words under their breath although they have no more understanding of what these words mean than a parrot does. This ability is inborn and requires no exposure to language of any kind. Soda Vultures are occasionally domesticated for use converting freshly slaughtered animals into jerky(in such a case some of the cleaning/dressing process occurs before the water bird is allowed access to it, and some afterward). Such a trained creature is worth 10 gold pieces, and can be reared from an egg (1 gp value) with a successful Handle Animal check DC 15. This process takes 2 months but only 1 hour of work is needed per day. Note that training them to do anything but make jerky for you, not bite people who enter their cage and not try to escape their cage TOO hard is next to impossible.

2009-07-02, 05:19 PM
This one is meant to have a whole adventure built around it. Good for putting the fear of the GM into players who expect to beat things based on how they build their characters and playing them only based on tactics learned on boards like this one, rather than also including adaptive thinking. Hint: You can only ever use this creature ONCE with any given group of players.

Acorn Folly
Medium Construct
HD 6d10+20 (Average 53 hp)
Speed 20 ft. (4 squares); (Can charge and double move, but not run)
Init: +0
AC 16 (+6 Natural); touch 10; flat-footed 14
BAB +3; Grp +7
Attack Slam +7 (1d6+3)
Full-Attack 2 Slams +7 (1d6+3)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks
Special Qualities Woodland Stride, Trackless Step, DR 15/Epic or Squirrel(but see below for more precise definition), Fire Resistance 5, Electricity Resistance 5, Acid Resistance 5, Cold Resistance 3, SR 22(but see below), Tree Shape(Oak Only, size equal to that of the Acorn Folly) 2/day, Construct Traits
Saves Fort +4 Ref +1 Will +4
Abilities Str 16, Dex 10, Con -, Int 14, Wis 5, Cha 1
Skills Move Silently +9, Spot +7, Listen +9, Hide +9, Knowledge(Nature) +8
Feats Iron Will(B), Great Fortitude, Stealthy, Alertness
Environment Deciduous Forest
Organization Solitary or Pair
Challenge Rating Not Applicable (see "Usage" below).
Treasure None
Alignment Always Neutral
Advancement 7-8 (Medium); 9-16 (Large) 17-24 (Huge)

This humanoid figure seems comprised of a mass of small nuts. through gaps at the joints an incredibly crude wooden "skeleton" can be glimpsed.

Squirrels and Acorn Folly Spell Resistance: Due to the insane nature of the Nature magic animating them, Acorn Follies have a unique weakness... Squirrels. Any magic spell that has been modified to have a squirrelesque aspect to it ignores an Acorn Folly's Spell Resistance and Energy Resistances. Examples include Magic Missile spells that hurl phantasmal squirrels at the target which seem to bite it, a Burning Hands spell that takes the form of a squirrel of pure flame with a gigantic lashing tail, or a Shout spell that sounds like squirrel chittering. Researching these cosmetic modifications for a spell that is already known requires 1/10 the time and resources of researching the spell from scratch and the spellcraft check is 3 points lower.

Acorn Folly Damage Reduction:
Live Squirrel -> Full weapon damage on strike (but even a to-hit roll that hits as a touch attack will kill the squirrel, thus reducing its effectiveness on future strikes, unless it is somehow protected) -> no damage reduction
Dead Squirrel (including arrows tipped with squirrel bones/teeth and such) -> damage reduced by 6 but with a minimum of 1 point of damage inflicted.
Slashing or peircing weapon coated in fresh (still red and unclotted) squirrel blood -> damage reduced by 6 points
Squirrel shaped weapon or squirrel motif inscribed on a blade -> damage reduced by 10 points.
Full round of contact with a live squirrel -> 2 points of damage (So tie a bunch of them to your armor and grapple it!)
Full round of contact with a dead squirrel -> 1 point of damage
Usage: Acorn Follies CAN be used as random encounters in a level appropriate way... however it is MUCH more effective to have them as the central theme of an adventure for characters of levels 2 or 3 or maybe 4. The adventure should focus on hasty research and weapon construction (including the capture of a large number of LIVE squirrels for research purposes and for tying onto weapons) before the Acorn Folly(-ies) can cause too much destruction. Discovering their weakness and figuring out means of exploiting it should be key points of the adventure.

The creation of an Acorn Folly is noticably different from the process for most constructs in many regards. One is that there are no expensive components required and no XP component. Another is that there is no time limit per day either maximium or minimum that the creator must limit themselves to.

Creating the body requires the creator to PERSONALLY assemble the wooden frame using healthy branches from Oak trees. The druid must be in base form whenever working on the harvesting and assembly of these branches. No tools of any kind may be used. This usually means that the druid must make all the necessary cuts by knawing the trunk and limbs with his own teeth (Magic Fang and Greater Magic Fang are popular when engaging in this activity..., and yes, a bite attack DOES count as a natural weapon for a human IMHO... just provokes an AoO even if you have Improved Unarmed Strike, only does 1 point of base damage and has some horrible to-hit penalty). Note that NONE of these restrictions apply to the acorns. The assembly requires a DC 5 Craft(carpentry) check. Although the materials are technically free, due to the restrictions on construction methods the body is considered to have a market price of 10,000 gp for purposes of how long it takes to construct (assuming a fairly usual race on the part of the creator and a medium size Acorn Folly), the spells mentioned above may, if used in great abundance may reduce this at the GM's discression.
If the Acorn Folly is to be Large in size then the "cost" is doubled, and for Huge is quadrupaled.

After the basic frame has been constructed 5,000 acorns, each of which has been affected by either Goodberry or Fire Seeds (when used for this purpose the spells do not provide their usual benefits, however the acorns need not be freshly picked, although they must be whole and unrotted, the duration of the spells is perminant, and Goodberry may be used even though acorns aren't berries) must be piled onto the frame, where-in they destribute themselves and magically adhere. The Acorn Folly is then complete with no further work, and no XP cost. For each additional hit die above the minimum 2,000 more enchanted acorns are required. Note that these spells can come from assistants, scrolls, etc and the means by which the acorns were gathered is irrelevant as long as they remain in good condition throughout the process. If at least %5 of the acorns were enchanted with Fire Seeds then the slam attacks strike as Flaming weapons, or as Flaming Burst weapons if at least %10 of the acorns were so enchanted. This effect may be changed to Shocking/Shocking Burst if the appropriate Energy Substitution feat was applied to all the Fire Seeds spells used to enchant the acorns, or it may function as both if the appropriate Energy Admixture feat was instead applied (or if the number of "Fire Seeds" affected acorns both with and without Energy Substitution(Electricity) applied to them to independantly meet the percentage requirements). Each additional damage type increases the base CR by 1.

"Behind the scenes" for the number of acorns required.
Assuming 9th level druid creator with a wisdom of 19 or lower and no assistants.
14+(WIS bonus) spell slots per day at 9th level usable for "Good Berry". Assuming 16 WIS = 17 castings per day.
17*5(average of 2d4) = 85 acorns per day average.
Assume we want this to be ~60 days work... 85*60=5,100... so round that to 5,000 acorns
Fire Seeds is level 6 and lists as affecting up to 4 acorns or 8 holly berries

2009-07-02, 05:25 PM
I think this will be the last one for a while since I don't want to overload the thread. This is part of a larger setting, based on Candy-land, that other people are creating. You can find it by following the link in my extended signature to the Pez-Ants and then clinking from there to the thread as a whole.

Small Monsterous Humanoid (1st level Commoner)
HD 1d4 (2 hp)
Speed 20 ft. (4 squares); Climb 20 ft. ; Burrow 5 ft
Init: +0
AC 12; touch 11; flat-footed 12
(+1 Size, +1 Natural)
BAB +0; Grp -2
Attack Sickle +2 (1d4+1, x3 critical)
Full-Attack 4 sickles -2/-6/-6/-6 (1d4+1, x3 critical)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks
Special Qualities
Saves Fort +2 Ref +0 Will +1
Abilities Str 14, Dex 10, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 12, Cha 8
Skills Profession(Farmer) +8, Climb +10
Feats Skill Focus[Profession(Farmer)], EnduraceB
Environment Any Civilized
Organization Any
Challenge Rating 1/2?
Treasure As per Class and Level
Alignment Any
Advancement as Commoner or Expert ONLY Favored Class Commoner

These bipedal insect-like creatures have 4 arms and have a 2 foot long segmented Pez candy for a torso. The legs, arms, and head are that of a giant ant. Pez-Ants comprise 99% of the Commoners in Candy-land. Pez-Ants speak Common.

Pez-Ants have a +8 racial bonus on Climb checks and can always choose to take 10 on Climb checks, even if rushed or threatened.

Still to come: Beige Dragons, Masoozes, Giraffe-a-pumps and maybe even a new posting (rather than cut and paste of old stuff).

2009-07-02, 10:08 PM
Okay, so we know DracoDei's epic :thog:

Seriously, man, those are awesome :smallbiggrin:

... I almost made vampire mosquitoes once. I should take that back up...

Just as soon as I'm done with the [classified project].

Zeta Kai
2009-07-02, 10:18 PM
The Elemental Plane of Flesh (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3040009#post3040009) started with a bad pun monster (Ligamental), & quickly got out of hand. There are quite a few punny names in there (Cell Block, Mightochondria, Parasight, etc).

2009-07-02, 10:56 PM
The Elemental Plane of Flesh started with a bad pun monster (Ligamental), & quickly got out of hand. There are quite a few punny names in there (Cell Block, Mightochondria, Parasight, etc).

:smalleek: Crap, why didn't I think of that!?
Well, I still have Madman's World (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=104663)...
(First plane, last post)

Anywho, it be done-

The MindLizard (Kondar)

Diminutive Magical Beast Psion
Hit Dice: 15D10+12 (62 hp)
Initiative: +3
Speed: 20 ft. (4 squares), climb 20 ft., swim 10 ft.
Armor Class: 17 (+4 Size, +3 Dex), touch 14, Flat-footed 14
Base Attack/Grapple: +21/+1/–12
Attack: Bite +4 melee (1D4+3)
Full Attack: Bite +4 melee (1D4+3)
Space/Reach: 2-1/2 ft./0 ft.
Special Attacks: 126 Power Points/day (Psionic)
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., Incarnated Detect Viewing
Saves: Fort +7 Ref +10 Will +10
Abilities: Str 5 Dex 17 Con 10 Int 15 Wis 13 Cha 15
Skills: Psicrystal bonuses: Search +3, Spot +3, Will +2
Feats: Weapon Finesse, Chaotic Mind, Improved Psicrystal, Improved Psicrystal
Challenge Rating: ?/?
Treasure: Triple Standard Coins, kept in his lair
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Level:Class Levels:Psion Discipline: 15Psion 12, Magical Beast 3N/A

The MindLizard (or Kondar) is a tiny, green-and-grey scaled lizard with untold psionic power. It has a very sarcastic (and sadistic) attitude and likes explosions. He is annoying.

Psicrystal (Gavn)
Meticulous, Resolved, Observant.
Gavn is a wise, careful being that would manifest himself as a man in a tophat… If Kondar allowed him to… Gavn is also the stark antithesis of Kondar in almost every way. One wonders exactly what part of Kondar’s mind Gavn originates from…

In combat, Kondar is obsessed with sadistically toying with his prey (something he and Gavn actually share in common). He could probably kill an adventuring party in seconds, but due to what amounts to chronic narcissism he draws it out first.
Needless to say, he’d be a cat person if he could… Reason with cats…

(Combat behavior)
Kondar exhibits an uncharacteristic affinity for planning, when the plan involves killing people. As such, he will lock doors, set up traps, dunk you in acid… Whatever alleviates his boredom.

Powers known:
Conceal Thoughts
Detect Psionics

Body Equilibrium
Inflict Pain
Psionic Lock

Body Adjustment
Energy Bolt
Eradicate Invisibility
Time Hop

Death Urge
Psionic Freedom of Movement
Trace Teleport
Detect Remote Viewing

Adapt Body
Psionic Plane Shift
Psychic Crush

Breath of the Black Dragon
Psionic Disintegrate
Psionic Overland Flight

2009-07-02, 11:22 PM
I don't get the joke with the lizard...

2009-07-05, 12:21 PM
EDIT: This is an old post and, as such, it is against the forum rules to respond to it. If you have comments, then please PM me, or start a new thread with a link in it to this one.


Warp Hog
Small Magical Beast
HD 2d8+4 (13)
Speed 40 ft. (8 squares)
Init: +1
AC 17; touch 12; flat-footed 16
(+5 Natural, +1 Dexterity, +1 size)
BAB +1; Grp -2
Attack Gore +3 melee (1d6+1)
Full-Attack Gore +3 melee (1d6+1)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Ferocity
Special Qualities Low-light vision, scent, Warp
Saves Fort +5, Ref +4, Will +1
Abilities Str 13, Dex 12, Con 15, Int 2, Wis 13, Cha 5
Skills Listen +7, Spot +5
Feats Alertness
Environment Temperate Forests
Organization Solitary or herd (5-8)
Challenge Rating 2
Treasure None
Alignment Always True Neutral
Advancement 3-4 HD (Small), 5-7 HD (Medium)
Level Adjustment N/A

It appears to be a wart hog or small boar.

Warp-Hogs are every bit as irritable as their full sized and less magical cousins, and are omnivores to boot. They have been known to pursue prey or annoyances by charging into trees in the direction of their goal to aid in bypassing undergrowth and to maintain the ability to dodge.

Ferocity (Ex): Like its cousin the boar a warp hog is such a tenacious combatant that it continues to fight without penalty even while disabled or dying.

Warp (Su): If it his it targets touch AC with a charge attack a Warp Hog may immediate teleport up to 50 feet as per a Quickened Version of the the spell Dimension Door cast by a 8th level sorcerer (disregard its low charisma). Note that the charge attack still has to hit normally to actually deal damage.

Behind the scenes design notes:
Basically started with the name, and took a downsized Boar (since the wart hogs I saw at the zoo that got me started on this track are smaller than boars) and added the Warp ability to it. Warp was originally going to be a more traditional Dimension Door ability, but that was based on an incorrect memory that boars got double damage on a charge. I am unsure if the extra ability is balanced by the loss of a size category and commensurate loss of a HD and 2 points each of STR and CON (and gaining 2 points of DEX). If it isn't I might have to bump the CR up to 3.

2009-07-05, 01:07 PM
Candle Jack
Medium Huma

The Vorpal Tribble
2009-07-05, 01:25 PM
Despite this, contrary to popular belief I 'do' make serious monsters!

Bad Ass (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=52088)
Dire Duck-billed Platypus (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=52088)
Dropbear (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=10881)
Harmpit (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=52064)
Longhorse (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30992)
Morphine Fairie (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=50826)
Peanutbutter Golem (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94843)
Rubber Chicken Swarm (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=4115355#post4115355)
Tangled Christmas Lights Golem (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11290)
Wave'o'Babies (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=10239)

2009-07-05, 09:05 PM
Vampire Baby Swarm (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=4181053&postcount=88)

I think half my critter thread sort of counts as being silly

2009-07-06, 01:15 AM
Candle Jack
Medium Huma

May i sig this?

2009-07-07, 06:58 AM
May i sig this?

Go ahead. :smallcool:

2009-07-07, 09:59 AM
The Wee Free Men aka Pictsies. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=4286274&postcount=8)


2009-07-07, 08:34 PM
Dire Duck-billed Platypus (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=52088)

A dire platypus -- is it still duck-billed? Or is it more accurately a crocodile-billed platypus?

The Vorpal Tribble
2009-07-07, 08:42 PM
A dire platypus -- is it still duck-billed? Or is it more accurately a crocodile-billed platypus?
Click the link and knowledge of time, space, and platypi shall be imparted upon thee...

Night Monkey
2009-07-07, 09:47 PM
It was… The dreaded Weremonkey!!!

I don't find this to be a joke at all.

Mystic Muse
2009-07-07, 10:10 PM
my DM sent a calzone golem after us. once dead I ate it.:smallbiggrin:

2009-07-07, 11:12 PM
Hey Draco -- Magical Beasts have Good Fortitude and Reflex saves. For 2 hit die it would have: Fortitude (+3 Base plus Constitution modifier), Will (+0 Base plus Wisdom modifier), and Reflex (+3 Base plus Dexterity Modifier).

The Warp Hog has the following Saves: Fort +5, Will +1, Ref +4.

Have you all seen the Silly Monsters on WotC's website?

Here is the Pie Fiend: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/fools/20030401a.

Cat stuff (including Cheshire Cat): http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/fools/20030401c.
Calzone golem in Something's Cooking: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/files/Cooking.pdf
Santa Claus: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/dnd/20011222x and don't forget to check the links below for such gems as toymaker gnomes, gnome cooks, etc.


2009-07-07, 11:20 PM
Thanks, totally missed that I had omitted those. Had I noticed I could have figured it out, but thank you for saving me the trouble.

2009-07-08, 04:23 AM
No problem. I'm just so used to fixing stuff now that I kinda do it on autopilot, not that I don't think you are capable. :smallbiggrin: Besides, it helps the newbie lurkers to see all the math and get the explanations.

Also, I edited my previous post to show where the silly WotC monsters were.
I was debating whether these counted as silly monsters:
Oogie Boogie, Lock, Shock and Barrel (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=3428873&postcount=1)


2009-07-11, 02:17 AM
This actually may be the work of mine that got the most overwhelming praise ever on these boards... not necessarily my best work (in fact I really hope my Wing Dragons are better), but certainly it is volumous and pretty good.

The Beige Dragon. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/printthread.php?t=59834&pp=40)

2009-07-11, 04:08 AM
Candle Jack
Medium Huma

You know, I've always wondered. Who is this Candle Jack perso

2009-07-11, 11:26 AM
I've made several:

Coward PrC (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=53166)
The Three Rings (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=61587) (Deliberate misinterpretation of the One Ring)
Dire Carp (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=104022)
Terminator (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=104600) (Most similar to the one from the second movie)
Delayed Explosive Runes (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=109634) (This message will self-destruct)
Videogame-based magic (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=110139)
Magic 8-ball (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=110822)

2009-07-11, 11:52 AM
Candle Jack was the floating ghost-like villain who wore with a bag on his head and carried a candle (i.e. "the spooky boogeyman guy") in the Freakzoid cartoon who kidnapped children who said his name aloud. He'd tie a rope around them and float off with them while they screamed in terror. In the cartoon, he takes a whole camp group of children and their counselor captive, but is ultimately defeated by Freakzoid by being lured into a trap pumpkin pie. Freakazoid was just such a weird cartoon.


2009-07-11, 12:02 PM
Ah, thus the sudden termination as they are hauled off by the rope.

Thank you kindly.

2009-07-15, 11:58 PM
This is from one of my very first threads I ever started in these forums I think. Statting up the race of one of the featured character from stories that my grandfather told my mother when she was 6 or so was my Mother's Day present to her one year. She doesn't totally approve of D&D, but this she liked. Because it had been so many years, she remembered very few highly precise details about the character, and on one point I made an error in understanding how they were supposed to work (which actually turned out better than her cherished memory!). For this reason I can actually take slightly more credit than I would if it had been a point-by-point translation.

Large Magical Beast (Water)
4d10+12 HD (34 hp)
Speed 50 ft. (10 squares)
Init: +1 (+1 Dex)
AC 13; touch 10; flat-footed 12
(-1 Size, +1 Dex, +3 Natural)
BAB +4; Grp +11
Attack Hoof +6 (1d6+3) melee OR Mouth Jet +4 ranged touch (1d8)
Full-Attack 2 Hooves +6/+6 melee and Horns +1 melee (1d4+1)* OR 2 Hooves +6/+6 melee and Mouth Jet +4 Ranged Touch (1d8)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft.
Special Attacks Mouth Jet
Special Qualities Low-light Vision, NO Dark Vision, Mouth Jet, Unthirsting, Low sleep requirements.
Saves Fort +7 Ref +5 Will +3
Abilities Str 17, Dex 12, Con 17, Int 10, Wis 14, Cha 17
Skills Diplomacy +10, Hide -2, Listen +5, Sense Motive +9, Spot +6
Feats Alertness, Negotiator
Environment Temperate or Arid Surface
Organization Solitary or Herd (6-24)
Challenge Rating 4
Treasure Standard
Alignment Always Lawful Good or Neutral Good
Advancement by Class Favored Class Ranger
Level Adjustment +0

*The horns are only usable against creatures that stand at least 10' tall or who are raised by flight or levitation to have some part of their body at least at that height.

Giraffe-a-pumps, also known as Living Fonts, Walking Oases, and Desert Rains, look like normal giraffes, although they generally do not travel alone (keeping either with a herd of their own kind or occasionally traveling with a mixed species group) and mate monogamously. They travel around providing extra water to good and neutral communities that need it. Although perfectly capable of grazing for their food, they enjoy salads, especially those that broccoli features prominently in as well as steamed carrots. Grateful communities will often provide these foods in return for the giraffe-a-pumps services. Although they require no payment for watering food crops, filling public cisterns or providing water for domesticated animals, they are often hired as living decorative fountains. Some groups have learned to vary the direction and intensity of their mouth jets in closely choreographed patterns, often as accompaniment to local favorite dancing songs. Some larger cities have individual giraffe-a-pumps paid to live in strategically located parks or buildings so as to be able to respond to fires. In times of severe drought, if they can spare the time from sustaining the local intelligent creatures, giraffe-a-pumps may try to quench the thirst of local wildlife. Giraffe-a-pumps have an especial affinity for children, placing emphasis on the importance of instilling good values early in life. For this reason they often will give youngsters rides as they make their local rounds, showing by example the importance of caring for others. Giraffe-a-pumps generally worship good-aligned gods with the Sun, Animal, Plant, and/or Water domains. It is rumored that powerful sorcerers among giraffe-a-pumps usually develop the ability to transmute their mouth jet to acid for short periods of time, but this is unconfirmed.
Giraffe-a-pumps are generally not directly aggressive. This is not out of any timidity or pacifism but rather is a function of playing to their strengths. With the vital resource they can provide a giraffe-a-pump herd is rarely without allies and they are generally more valuible to whatever causes they champion by continuing to provide the services they do rather than via direct confrontation. This is not to say that they are unable fighters when the need comes. They know that many would try to alter their routes in there own favor (or to deny water to enemies), or even to capture them for their sole use. While such moves are likely to bring retaliation from other sentient species the giraffe-a-pumps do not wish to become mere pawns in power struggles. For this reason Giraffe-a-pump herds are generally lead by the individual with the greatest skill in interacting with other races. There will usually be 2 sub-leaders, one in charge of scouting and route selection between water deliverly points and the other a lead-from-the-front type war-leader. Sometimes any of these three may be combined, the most common instances being scout-warcheif rangers and occasionally leader-warcheif aristocrats.

Giraffe-a-pumps speak Common.

If it won't keep them from where they need to get to Giraffe-a-pumps will run rather than fight. When it does come to a fight Giraffe-a-pumps will generally use tactics similar to mounted archers, advancing and retreating as necessary to try to keep the enemy off balance. This is especially effective against slower enemies or those that rely heavily on armor (natural or manufactured) since their mouth jets are touch attacks. They often will take cover behind spreading trees, reach out their necks above or next to the cover in order to fire. When an enemy has an advantage at range or needs to be taken out quickly they do not hesitate to close and engage with hoof and horn. In the few instances where they have engaged in battles that could be anticipated days in advance they have been known to pre-soak strategically important patches of ground to turn them muddy and thus channel the attackers. Interestingly enough they are also partial to setting fires as a weapon since they know that they can protect themselves from such better than almost any opponent, and can keep it from spreading too far after the battle (provided they win of course).

Mouth Jet (Sn)
A Giraffe-a-pump can pour forth pure, fresh water from its mouth. When active this can be precisely controlled to be as slow as a trickle convenient for a gnome child to drink from at one extreme to a jet that can rapidly re-fill an empty cistern or provide irrigation (60-foot-long 6-inch-wide stream at 30 gallons per round) at the other end of the spectrum. At the high end of this spectrum the jet can be used as a weapon that deals 1d8 damage on a ranged touch attack with a range increment of 30 feet and a maximium range of 60 feet. A Giraffe-a-pump does not need to make any strength checks to avoid being knocked over by the back-pressure of its mouth jet.

Unthirsting (Sn)
Due to its ability to internally generate water a Giraffe-a-pump never needs to drink. It also takes no damage on a successful save and only half damage on a failed save against Horrid Wilting and other dehydration spells and effects. It is still perfectly capable of drinking potions, or lapping up a bowl of mead along-side its companions.

Low sleep requirements (Ex)
A Giraffe-a-pump only needs to sleep 2 hours per night. Giraffe-a-pump wizards (who are very rare) still must have 8 hours of restful calm before preparing any spells.

Plot Hooks
- Evil desert nomads have captured a giraffe-a-pump, thus freeing their most skilled raiding party from having to stop to take on water during hit-and-run raids and allowing them to use horses (instead of camels) more freely. The adventurers are hired to rescue it.
- A town is suffering a terrible draught. They hire the party to escort a willing girraffe-a-pump herd through the dangerous mountains that form the quickest path for the herd to come to the rescue.
- A clutch of wyrmling red dragons goes after a herd of giraffe-a-pumps after the giraffe-a-pumps put out one too many of the forest fires the dragons started for their own amusement.

In loving Memory of Walter Folkoff.

2009-07-16, 12:39 AM
Some of the others that I have seen used (didn't create) include:

A small puppy that is basically immune to most things with a bite attack that deals 1d2 points of fire (and nothing else... as it slowly licks you to flaming death).

Fiendish Dire Penguins... (yes we did have an arctic mission)...