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View Full Version : Whats the funnest session of D&D you've ever had or DMd?



Theres
2009-07-07, 09:52 PM
simple as the headline states. what is a fun or memorable moment, session or even campaign that you've been involved in D&D? I'll go first:smallbiggrin:! It was my first time playing D&D, long ago at the tender age of ten (five years ago) my friends 11th bday. His dad was like one of the first people to play D&D back in the 70's so he knew what he was doing. i made two borderline stupid/ senseless fighters who complemented each others weaknesses one being ranged and the other being a barbarian like fighter. we were playing edition 1 i think and we were in south America during Spanish colonization. long story short out party of 7 left the city looking for a kidnapped noble, ended up losing a wizard to a vampire, almost lost the other to a trap and lost one of my fighters to a horde of good natives who were gonna help us. final fight ensues where our party shoots first (han solo style, my fault) and we save the noble. good times

Draz74
2009-07-07, 10:47 PM
Hmmm ... a good contender would have to be the time that my party was commissioned by a local guerrilla/resistance force to get rid of one of the military officer leaders of the local oppressive occupying army, Mathis. He had information we wanted, so just killing him wasn't desirable.

After several mishaps, such as the fruity party Druid (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/variant/classes/variantCharacterClasses.htm#druid) temporarily abducting Mathis' ship, the party found him out drinking with two friends. Our plan was to follow him for a couple days and learn all we could about him.

But as he entered a dark alley with his friends on his way home, the party Fighter -- not necessarily the patient sort -- noticed that he didn't actually have armor or obvious weapons with him, and decided it was a good time to attack.

So he did. Some alarm made it clear that the town guard would get there eventually; we were under tight time limits. And the targets? Went invisible. One of the friends was a caster.

I hit the area with a Stinking Cloud. It backfired. Mathis and his caster friend got out of the area of effect without failing a save, while the party Fighter who went in after them rolled a natural 1 on his. At least the other soldier was disabled by the cloud.

Once they were away from us, the caster blocked the alleyway off with a Wall of Force. The party Ranger and Rogue were already on the roofs and could get around it, but they weren't going to be able to do much on their own. The Rogue jumped down and tried to engage them, but his player had terrible luck with the dice as usual. The caster nearly killed him with a lucky-rolled Shocking Grasp.

My character had recently attained caster level 7, and the solution to our problems suddenly dawned on me in a beam of light. Two rounds later, the Druid and the Fighter were both Polymorphed into Gryphons, and we were making the DM look up the grappling rules.

Gryphons have pretty good grapple checks. And you don't actually need the Snatch feat to pull a grappled opponent into the air ... at least, as far as the DM knew. Oh, and the approaching city guard? Not nearly as fast as a Gryphon's fly speed. Guess what? People even stop trying to resist a grapple when they're looking at a lot of falling damage if they succeed.

The DM expressed amazement for weeks that we'd actually pulled it off, after such an unplanned and poorly-started attempt. Especially since Mathis was Level 12 or so, a Fighter with Improved Unarmed Strike.

Incidentally, the Rogue was pretty mad about the Shocking Grasp, and nailed the wizard in return with 3 charges of his Ring of the Ram. Along with the Ranger's arrows ... well, the wizard didn't live long enough to be carried off by a Gryphon.

Vorpal word
2009-07-08, 07:15 AM
Mine was a really goofed-up session. Our party was a LN monk (me), a NE warlock, a LG cleric of heironeous, and a N rogue (all human). The warlock ended up bribing the rogue to steal any treasure we found and share it with him, which didn't go too well with the monk or cleric.

It started off pretty bad. The rogue player was a newcomer to D&D, so he forgot to search the first hallway we went into (it was a grotto full of locathas). Result: Five minutes into the dungeon the cleric falls into a ten-foot pit and has to waste some of his healing on himself. What a pig. :smallbiggrin:

In the first fight, people kept critting (we were facing a pair of locatha and a giant eel of some sort), so we swept them. After seeing what other people were doing with their awesome attacks, my monk decided to try a dramatic finale and run on the wall as wind-up for a flying kick (the DM let him). Of course he failed miserably and ended up missing the fight entirely.

At this point the warlock and rogue made their move and tried to steal the treasure. The monk, showing his disapproval, covered the warlock's robes in gore from the slain locatha, which caused an argument to break out. After about five minutes the DM called a random encounter on it. :smalltongue:

So we beat them off pretty easy, but then guess what: We started arguing over whose fault it was that we got the encounter! Meaning that 10 minutes later, we had another random encounter to deal with! :smalltongue:

The final blow to my monk's self-esteem came in the next room, which had some water-filled pits in it. I tried to jump over a pit with a sharp rock formation at the bottom. Guess what happened. :smalltongue:

Arcane Copycat
2009-07-08, 08:28 AM
Spanned a few sessions. He had a Half Elf Fey Pack Warlock who had a thing for Fey women. Well, we were given a quest by a Witch Doctor to prove ourselves to the spirits of the land. The forest quest? Rescue a Dire Bear under attack from a Eladrin.

One of the Wizards uses Sleep, encounter over. DM calls for party to make insight rolls. Warlock Crit fails. "Well, as far as you can tell, taking advantage of a highly attractive and unconscious Eladrin is totally a good idea." The Warlock, figuring what the hell, goes for it.

Well turns out it's a Dryad. And for those who don't know how Dryads breed, they impregnate males of other species to have the babies for them. So, we now have a pregnant Half-elf male.

Well he's running around pregnant, the DM having made a chart for possible miscarriage options, as well as estimates for time of birth. well in the middle of a battle with a spirit beast, he gets thrown to the floor, and starts going into labour, mid-battle. The Paladin (our only healer and only tank) and Ranger (only one with enough perception to notice mid-battle) runs over to help, and the rest of us take down the spirit. Well, because the guys with sharp pointy objects are in the middle of battle, he as to perform a C-section using the pointy side of his mace (which resulted in a 10 minute argument with the Players Handbook being flashed around with "It's totally sharp enough!"). Just as the battle ends (and everyone notices that "holy **** he's giving birth!") we now have a bay Dryad in the party.

tl;dr Pregnant males who, even after that, didn't learn to keep it in their goddamn pants (it became a Half-Elf Stereotype through the entire campaign)

kentma57
2009-07-08, 08:40 AM
While probably not the funniest game I have every played, the last session was... Just briliant!

It was the finnal encounter of the campaign and we all watched as the BBEG and the part warmage//fencer(it was a gestalt game) hacked their way through an airship using black blades of disaster and disintigrate spell, all while in their sword fight, only to fall the 20 miles to the ground while in an anti-magic field having a fist fight.

This actualy happened. We actualy survived the fall to :smallbiggrin:, though the ship landed on us the next round :smallfrown:.

Arcane Copycat
2009-07-08, 08:44 AM
This actualy happened. We actualy survived the fall to :smallbiggrin:, though the ship landed on us the next round :smallfrown:.

Airships fall, everybody dies?

-Cor-
2009-07-08, 11:27 AM
Probably DMing a one-off for one of my friends when he left. He was our primary DM and ran a great campaign so I wanted to give him something fun to send him off with.

I wrote an 8 hour module called Fairy Tail (purposely misspelled), wherein the players were asked to help rescue a damsel in distress (how cliche) from the dungeon of a mad wizard (mwu haha).

Anyway, each of the encounters incorporated aspects of various fairy tales and old fantasy movies including: The Three Little Pigs (Wereboars), Goldilocks (Succubus) and the Three Vrocks, The Wizard of Oz (magical traps involving golden pavement), The Pied Piper of Hamlin Town (Bard/Beguiler with Sewer Pipes and lots of swarms), and a few others.

He loved it, and so did the rest of the group who were very cool and able to take it seriously while still appreciating the underlying humor.

Turns out the "damsel" was actually an evil enchantress (Maleficant) imprisoned by a good wizard who knew that she could never take the good actions necessary to "complete" each story and earn her freedom. They had to fight her at the end... lots of context clues they might have to... but they pressed forward anyway.

Great fun for me as a DM.

I guess I have the most fun when I see my players having a lot of fun.

Curmudgeon
2009-07-08, 11:42 AM
I fondly remember a one-off at a Con. 18th level and no magic. Basically the entire scenario was carried out in an enormous Antimagic Field. So no spells, magic items, spell-like abilities, or supernatural abilities.

I created a Rogue 15/Cloistered 1/Monk 1 with a +1 LA template. This ended up being the combat powerhouse of the group -- but I needed 22 books to build the character. It was a neat challenge.

Gerion
2009-07-08, 12:35 PM
Well one of my old chars (Wolfman Figther/wizard) had 3 principles 1 Undead are evil and must be eliminated (including the nercomancer who raises them) 2 Constructs are evil and must be eliminated including the Creator 3 Never ever loot a tomb.


So there was this GUy who had stolen something from an old abandoned tempel and became cursed because of this. So we were hired to bring it back (me and the Drow Druid both level 2).

After Figthing trough the tempel i went to the altar to put the Amulet(?) back at its place. the drow discovered a secret door and went trough. A tomb with 17 treasure chests in it. Naturally she started Looting.
I saw here emtying the first chest (because she saved my life i didn't kill her) but said PUT IT BACK. she was so suprised that she did it (thinking i had sensed a trap ore something).
You should have seen the stupid look on our dm's face why we put back the treasure (5000gp per chest) :smallbiggrin: (my vocie disturbed the mummy lord in the sarcophagus so we had to flee bevore she could convince me that looting was okay^^)

Totally Guy
2009-07-08, 01:27 PM
My favourite session that I've ever run was my second ever session as DM. We were using 4th edition D&D rules.

Session 2: Pugh Djinn steals the show.

The party, Hermocrates the Dragonborn Paladin, Justice the Tiefling Warlock, Allara the Eladrin Warlord and Kayou the Elven Ranger were camped out on their continuing journey to Mansworth. But they had a rude awakening as Allara spotted a bull running toward the tent. They managed to kill it but the next encounter was with an upset farmer (this was to show the party that not every encounter was neccessary). He had been planning to head into town to sell it. He asked the adventurers for compensation and, as they were travelling to Mansworth, they should deliver a message to an Elf called Robert Gag to tell him they were sorry that they had killed the bull he was meant to buy.

On arriving at the town the party saw a goblin squad drawing chalk summoning circles on the ground outside city wall. They also had a stack of boxes to climb up if they wanted to get over the wall and into the city. Justice the Tiefling warlock decided to approach the goblins pretending to be whatever they were trying to summon. The goblins did not believe this deception but they did not attack either, they were just puzzled. When the other party members were in position the combat erupted and the party triumphed over the threat. One goblin escaped over the city wall and was chased by the Kayou the Ranger with a skill challenge.

The party was split. The Elven Ranger arrived at a warehouse where he spied upon a female Elf commanding the goblins before leaving through a magic portal.

The party on the wall interrogated one of the goblins. It pointed to a tower on the city skyline and said that it was his master’s tower. This was a lie, evident that the goblin the Kayou chased went to a warehouse. This goblin was working for the evil Elf Ranger and was trying to frame the ex-mayor Pugh Djinn by pointing at his tower.

The party went to the pub and met Robert Gag who explained he was the middleman to sell the bull to the head of the watch but couldn’t now, but his friend is a man of the law and he would understand. Giving a little history of the town Robert explained that Pugh Djinn was once the mayor of the town but lost power a while back in an election. He’d been holding onto power by his use of the law, but just recently he’d been evicted from the Mitra Vols palace. In 2 days time, he said, the handover of power ceremony would occur and Pugh will have lost all his political power. He also explained why the city is called Mansworth; it being an ex-slave city it defined the worth of a man when it sold one as a slave.

The party marched to the tower the goblin on the wall had mentioned then they saw the grotty house next to it, they knocked on the door and met my designated antagonist, Pugh Djinn. Except that they didn’t think to ask his name.

“Go away, I have not the time to be laughed at!” called the BBEG from the inside.
“We have news of a goblin invasion”
“Really? What of it?”
“It was at the wall.”
The door opened to reveal a tired looking bald man with an unkempt beard dressed in green robes. “What does this have to do with me?” he asked.
“Nothing, never mind. What do you think of Pugh Djinn?”
“Lovely fellow.”

The party concluded that the man was suspicious.

The party suspected that the goblin was lying because the one that got away ran the other way away from the tower. But they decided that they might come back to bother the old man later for thoroughness.

The party visited the temple of Kord so that they might pay pilgrimage to their deity. The minister Father Farai told the party that he suspected the temple of Melora had been funding anti-Kord propaganda in the form of a play. He had instructed his assembly not to watch it and also avoided it himself. The party donned disguises and went to see the play, they found that there had been a misunderstanding as although there was a cleric of Kord as the antagonist, the overall message was very much positive of Kord and the villain was redeemed. The party informed Father Farai of the misunderstanding and he said he would watch tomorrow night’s show to be certain. I think that whole sidequest was devoid of any dice rolling and it taught that some problems can be solved through RP.

That night the players went back to the inn except for the Ranger Kayou who went back to Pugh’s house.

First he investigated the house in which he found the old man attempting to sleep without much success. He decided to stop investigating the house before he was spotted and turned his attention to the tower. He picked the lock with a take 20. The tower was old, previously it had been a chimney but a wooden structure had been erected within to give it floors. Up the first ladder was a room full of sleeping goblins.

Not wanting to risk waking them up Kayou retreated back to the tavern for reinforcements in the form of the rest of the party. But on the way back Robert Gag and his Watchman friend blocked the way. He reinforced the points he had made earlier and revealed that the man in the house was the one and only Pugh Djinn. The goblins in the tower were not actually illegal and to harass them now would jeopardise the power handover ceremony.

The players retired for the night and the next day volunteered their services as bodyguards for the handover. They learnt that the handover used Pugh’s Orb of Imposition as a symbol for the city’s power. He himself used it as a casting implement but the new mayor was not even a spell caster. The party met a lady called Beth organising the ceremony and introduced them to her husband Gomez who was due to accept the new mayor position. Actually Beth would have an equivalent but title-less power as the two of them co-owned the election winning party.

The adventuring party set up beacons around the courtyard so that if anyone was to shoot a bow from a building the party could communicate to everyone which building housed the assassin.

The day of the ceromony the Paladin and Warlord stood at the front to guard the occupants of the stage, the Ranger patrolled the rooftops with his bow whilst trying his best not to look like a baddie. The Warlock stood amongst the crowd surveying whether anybody looked suspicious.

Sure enough, just as Pugh was about to hand over the orb, somebody shot a crossbow bolt from a window. We treated the players as having readied actions as they had set things up beforehand and were on high alert against a threat they had accurately predicted. The Paladin jumped in front of Gomez and Beth. The Warlord was too far away but remembered the fey step power and jumped in front of Pugh Djinn. *Dink!* A bolt hit the Warlord’s shield, Pugh had been the target. The ranger lit the beacon and the Warlock parted the crowd with intimidation.

The Warlord stayed with Pugh to make sure he did not cause any trouble. The others arrived in the assassin’s room to find a party of goblins. After the battle they found out the goblins worked for Zanzibar and they were supposed to shoot Gomez but the sniper had an ulterior motive, he wasn’t happy with Zanzibar working for a human, and he had already been killed for this deception.

The handover recommenced and Pugh gave Gomez the orb without any further incident.

The players then latched on to watching Pugh Djinn, they were sure he was still up to something. He went to the pub and had a couple of drinks; he even bought the adventurers a few as they had saved his life.

Kayou the ranger left to visit Pugh’s home whilst he was away. In Pugh’s dirty, untidy house he found papers regarding the laws of demanding election recounts and papers detailing the use and construction of a camera obscura, a spying device atop a tower.

In the tower, at the very top, he found an impressive table and the secret camera obscura. Operating it he found it overlooked a house in a seedy area of town.

Upon returning to the pub, Pugh sang a little song about his dreams being crushed (completely improvised by myself! God I’m good!) entertaining the party. He also explained that he never would have lost the election if the two separate parties that Beth and Gomez belonged to hadn’t merged along with their marriage. The key issue was abolishing slavery which Pugh was certain the population wanted to keep. Kayou then questioned Pugh about the address of the house he’d seen.

Pugh then slipped back into villain mode and in sinister fashion invited the party to his tower where he’d show them something amazing. The party initially said “No, it’s a trap”, only for Pugh to state he knew he’d be followed anyway and he’d prefer them to be honest about it. The party realised that if he started doing evil they could just attack him and he’d not got an implement to boost his spells.

At the top of the tower Pugh stalled for a little while, saying he had to wait for something before he would do his trick.

Eventually there was a knock at the door and Pugh asked for a volunteer to answer it with him; this was because he knew the party did not trust him. The Dragonborn Paladin, Hermocrates, went with him and found Beth at the door. She had also been invited to see whatever amazing thing Pugh was to show them. He explained to everyone that he had discovered that using a magic table as an arcane focus and together with the camera obscura, he could cast local scrying spells at long range.

Spell one: Detect object, the party did not see how this spell could be used for evil so they allowed him to cast it. He found his own Orb of imposition (massive bonus on an object well known to him). It was being carried by a disguised Gomez; he aimed the camera obscura to track his movement through Mansworth.

He arrived at the shady address mentioned earlier. Pugh then suggested Spell two; Wizard’s Sight. Beth allowed Pugh to cast this and the party gazed in awe as they saw Gomez tied to the bed with the orb on the Table. Kinky.

Pugh started boasting about how he'd be able to topple the new mayor and take over the city once more with two rubbish spells. Beth said he had not done so yet as they had not yet seen the woman involved. The female Elven Ranger that Kayou had seen earlier entered the room and took the orb.

Pugh suddenly got scared and could not follow this lady with the camera obscura; the way the machinery works is counterintuitive. So he started with the Detect Object spell again.

Kayou the ranger left at this point to untie Gomez and rearrange the room. The rest of the party tried to convince Beth that the mean old man was using illusions to break up the new rule early.

Kayou untied Gomez and told him to sort out the mess he was in and that he had been spied on by Pugh and Beth. Gomez stopped a while to rearrange the room and redress himself and told Kayou to go ahead and track the lady Ranger.

After 10 minutes of Pugh casting his detect object ritual and Kayou tracking the thief they both found out at the same time that she’s gone to the Mitra Vols palace.

Pugh told the party that it was imperative that the woman was stopped and his orb recovered and commanded everyone to help.

The party did as such and ran to the palace.

Instead of the palace Beth went toward the house of ill repute.

And Pugh, being an older man could not keep up over the distance so he fell behind.

Kayou confronted the Ranger that was now guarding the palace. She said her name was Teos and that they shouldn’t interfere as a true adventurer would consider what she was doing to be a gift.

She toyed with Kayou by wielding her twin hula hoop weapons. But she eventually had to retreat into the castle. Her arrogance had cost her and the rest of the party arrived ready for a fight.

She retreated into the basement where the party found the the Farseer, the prophet that had sent them to mansworth, opening a portal with his own goblins. There was also an old large well in the room. Kayou attacked the Farseer directly only to be grabbed by a pair of his goblins. The Farseer escaped through the portal taking his lackeys and Kayou with him. Teos was grabbed by Allara and after a round to escape and a route to avoid other combatants she managed to miss the portal as it closed in front of her. She looked left and saw the party, looked right to see if she could get through the door only to find Pugh Djinn standing menacingly in the archway. She opted to escape down the well and into the dungeon.

Pugh explained that she had used his orb as a key to open the “Mitra Vault” which was a sealed dungeon beneath his old palace. Inside the dungeon there were three Dooms that he never wanted to be released...

Whoa! So much happened! And everybody had tons of fun.

NYYanks6083
2009-07-14, 10:09 AM
This was Classic:

a few years back we were playing a 3.0 campaign. There were 4 PCs, all lv. 15(we had built our way up from lv. 2, long campaign) however on this particular session we were doing a side-plot with my character (a Ftr/Wiz) and the party wizard(mainly because the other 2 couldn't make it). We were flying across the countryside via his Overland Flight spell, when a pair of black dragons intercepted us in mid-air:

Me: I quicken a mirror image, then double move to get down to the ground.
DM: Okey, one of the dragons follows you.
Wiz: I'll Delay my action until the second dragon tries to attack either one of us.
DM: Okey, the second dragon charges you full speed.
Wiz: Full speed you say?
DM: Full speed.
Wiz: Wall of Force directly in front of me.

Bug on a windshield was an understatement :smallbiggrin:

woodenbandman
2009-07-14, 10:18 AM
I have quite a few, but I think it was the one wherein I volunteered to be eaten. That character was basically just a list of stuff that was really awesome. He beat Efreeti at dice, he volunteered to be eaten, he created a soul and then destroyed it for personal gain, he ran for mayor of a small town and won (On the platform that he was the one who had sensed that said town was not in control of its actions when it was fighting us, and thusly that we shouldn't kill the townsfolk), made a deal with a devil...

But I think that volunteering to be eaten takes it.

Brauron
2009-07-14, 11:02 AM
The Greasy Spoon.

We wander into town and go to the tavern, called "The Greasy Spoon." On the bar is a bowl of SP. We ask the bartender about it and he cackles, and says, "Ah, that's the bet! You see, I've been using the same spoon to cook dinner for ten years, and it's never once been washed. Put a silver piece in the bowl, and I'll let you lick the spoon. If you're still standing, you get all the silver."

My barbarian made seven attempts before passing the Fortitude check. And then the bartender pulled out two buckets filled with silver pieces. "I've been running this contest a loooong time," he explained.

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-07-14, 12:19 PM
My funniest session is actually a few sessions put together, all with a common theme: I had just gotten to college and I agreed to help the two other D&Ders in my dorm teach some new folks how to play. For this, everyone ordered their own set of dice...and we think the store sells crooked dice, because I saw more 20s and 1s in those first five sessions than I've seen since I started playing in 1998. This tendency led to the following two scenarios, copied from my session notes with liberal addition of smileys:

Second session of the campaign.
We're tracking a bunch of kobold cultists trying to summon Tiamat to the Material Plane. Leaving a forest, we come to a goblin castle that's guarding the pass to the kobold's temple; there's a wide open plain in front, and no one can get across without being seen. By the way, we're all level 2 (leveling up once per session to make sure we could run a second campaign before the summer). The encounter goes something like this:

Party Druid: Okay guys, we need a way to open the castle gates. I propose--
Satyr (CN Satyr bard): I charge the castle.
DM: You...charge the castle?
Satyr: Yes. I'm going to hide and charge.
DM: Okay....
Satyr: Charge! And Hide...*rolls* natural 1...****.
*Satyr takes 2 hits from goblin longbows and runs back to cover*
Satyr: That didn't work.
DM: Obviously. Now--
Satyr: Okay, I'm going to disguise myself as a goblin.
DM: :smallconfused: You are aware that goblins are Small creatures...and you're a ****ing satyr?
Satyr: Yeah!
DM: Fine. Roll Disguise.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus...7, after penalties.
DM: O...kay...
Party: But you don't speak goblin!
Satyr: Of course I do! I'll be fine.
*Satyr walks up to the castle*
DM: The goblin says, "Who goes there?" in Goblin.
Satyr: I--
DM: Hold on. *checks his sheet* That says Gnomish, not Goblin!
Satyr: What!? *checks sheet* Uh, guys? :smallredface: I...don't speak Goblin.
Party: WHAT!? :smalleek:
Goblin: "I said, who goes there?"
Satyr: Uhh..."I'm, uh, well..."
Goblin: "Why are you speaking Common?"
Satyr: Uhh..."Well, you see, there was this satyr in the woods that punched me in the throat as he ran by, so now my throat hurts too much to speak Goblin...."
DM: Bluff check.
Satyr: *rolls* 17 plus 10.
DM: :smallsigh:...they buy it.
Goblin: "What's the password?"
Satyr: Uhh... "As you can see, I'm not from around these parts, but I am a wandering goblin bard and I saw your handiwork in the last town, the burning down everything and such, and I thought, I must join these strapping lads and gain more treasure for them, and I figured that hey, with my bagpipes--yes, bagpipes--I could inspire your gallant band to greater heights of amazingness. Mind if I join?" (Note: The satyr has a Scottish accent)
DM: Roll Bluff.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 14.
DM: 5 out of the 6 guards buy it. :smallannoyed:
Last Goblin: "I'm not sure about you...will you consent to being bound while we take you to our leader?"
Satyr: "Sure."
*Goblins take him to a cell, lock him in; the DM pulls out his random dungeon tables and is obviously improvising at this point*
Satyr: Can I see any way to get out of my manacles?
DM: Do you have any tools?
Satyr: ...no.
DM: Open Lock check.
Satyr: 15, plus 10.
DM: Minus 4 for no tools...19.
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM: :smallsigh: Roll Open Lock again.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!? :smallmad:
Satyr: Woohoo!
*Satyr stocks up on material*
DM: *rolls* Some goblins hear the door opening, and they enter. Make a Hide check.
Satyr: 5, plus 8.
DM: The 6 goblins fail to notice you. :smallmad:
Satyr: I sneak out the way they came in.
DM: Move Silently check.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 5.
DM: They don't see you. You exit the room and see *rolls* 20 goblins in a dining hall between you and another door. :smallamused:
Satyr: :smalleek: ****!
DM: You have a surprise round.
Satyr: I run out the other door.
DM: You find your way to the gatehouse, but the goblins follow you, suspicious of your running away.
Satyr: Crap. I use my spear to lodge the door closed.
DM: Strength check.
Satyr: *rolls* 15, plus 1.
DM: The goblins start bashing the door.
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Uhh....
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: *rolls* ...yes.
Satyr: I secure my grappling hook, jump out, and rappel down.
DM: Use Rope and Climb.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20! Plus 5, and 14 plus 2 for Climb.
DM: :smallsigh: Fine. You rappel down the wall. It's 40 feet tall and--wait. Your rope is 20 feet? You drop off the end; Tumble check.
Satyr: *rolls* Uh, it's--
DM: If you say natural 20....
Satyr: :smallbiggrin:
DM: :smallfurious: You take *rolls* 1 damage. You land *rolls* ...right...in front...of the gate.
Satyr: :smallbiggrin:
*Satyr opens the door with a flourish*
Satyr: See, guys? Door open.
Party: ...awesome.


Fourth session of the campaign.
So, we've cleared out the hobgoblin castle (or the satyr has, at least) and have discovered that the kobolds that hired these hobgoblins have also set up three other castles full of goblins guarding the approach to their temples. We're currently 0 for 2 for stopping the Tiamat summoning rituals, so we need to clear out all these castles really fast. By the time we get to castle 3 we're all level 4.

Our party consists of a favored soul/crusader (me), a paladin, a ranger, a druid, a cleric, a wizard/war mage, and of course the satyr bard. Seven level 4 characters can handle basically anything, right? Right?

We've basically finished clearing out castle 3, have found all the clues, items, and McGuffins we need, and are preparing to leave. This was an insanely hard fight, so we're all down to single- or low-double-digit HP and almost out of spells, but I used up all my healing spells and the cleric spontaneously inflicts, so we can't heal yet

DM: So you head out of the room, triumphant, and--hold on. I missed one goblin in the last fight.
Ranger: Come on, it's one goblin; can we just skip him?
DM: Well, I've made the encounters so you get exactly to 5th level; no goblin, no level up.
Wizard: I WANT FIREBALL. Let's kill him!
*Party agrees*
DM: Okay. *ahem* As you leave the room, you see a door slam shut at the end of the hall.
Ranger: Did I see anything enter?
DM: Why yes. A goblin, in fact.
Ranger: What a coincidence. Shall we?
*Party walks to the door*
DM: The door is unlocked. It's a regular wooden door with a small window in it.
Cleric: Hmm...looks like a trap. I look through the slot.
DM: You see a small goblin holding a heavy crossbow...aiming it at your face.
Cleric: Oh no, it's a goblin. Whatever shall I do?
DM: *rolls d20* Crit! *rolls damage* Max! 10 damage, times 2. 20 damage.
Cleric: :smallfurious:
DM: What?
Cleric: ...I have 8 HP.
DM: Oo...kay. :smallconfused: A bolt lodges in the cleric's skull, dropping him in one hit.
Party: :smalleek:
Wizard: What the **** was that!?
DM: That was a Monster Manual-standard goblin with a heavy crossbow and a readied action.
Ranger: Kill the bastard!
*The paladin and I get in position by the door; the ranger, wizard, and druid get in back; the satyr opens the door*
Paladin: CHARGE! SMITE EVIL! *rolls d20* A 1!
DM: The paladin charges up and swings right over the goblin's head; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow. Next?
Favored Soul: FOR KORD! I run up and Mountain Hammer his ass. *rolls d20* Another 1! Crap!
DM: :smallbiggrin: The favored soul charges up and swings right over the goblin's head, barely missing the paladin; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow.
Druid: That's it. My animal companion charges too. *rolls d20* Another 1!? Holy ****, somebody bought loaded dice!
DM: :smallamused: The wolf charges up and bumps into the wall, barely missing the favored soul; the goblin's cranking his crossbow.
Druid: I'm going to ready an action to cast flaming sphere when everyone's out of the way or if he tries to escape.
DM: Fine. Next?
Ranger: Can I attack from here?
DM: You can...but the paladin, favored soul, and wolf together provide cover.
Ranger: I'll risk it. *rolls* 7, plus 11; 18.
DM: That's a...*checks goblin's AC*...heh.
Ranger: What?
DM: With the cover, you miss. He doesn't bother to dodge and--
Ranger: Let me guess. He keeps cranking his crossbow?
DM: Yup. Crank...crank...crank....:smallbiggrin:
Wizard: Damn him! I want 5th level! *checks sheet* I'm out of magic missiles, dammit...Yes! Scorching ray! *rolls* It's...not higher than an 18. :smallfrown:
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Wait! Touch attack! What's his touch AC?
DM: 12.
Wizard: Dammit. :smallyuk:
Druid: Still didn't hit!? Okay, that's it! I hope you guys can take a flaming sphere, 'cause I'm taking this sucker down! Flaming sphere on his space.
DM: So that's a reflex save, DC? *checks sheet* Okay... *rolls* ...uh...
Druid: And...?
DM: :smallbiggrin: Crank...crank...crank...crank....crank.. .crank...crank...crank....
Party: GODS DAMMIT!
Satyr: Come on, luck, don't fail me now...I throw my daggers. *rolls* *rolls* *looks at dice* *looks at DM* *looks at dice*
DM: :smalltongue:
Satyr: You know what? **** you and your goblins.
DM: And...it's the goblin's turn. It's a full-round action to reload, so he takes a 5-foot step back from the flaming sphere and keeps cranking, and cranking, and cranking, and cranking....Next?
Paladin: Well, I can't risk the damage at this point, so I'm gonna retreat. Guys?
Favored soul: Same.
Druid: My wolf comes back, too. Give the ranger a clear shot.
DM: Okay. Next is the ranger.
Ranger: Rapid shot. *rolls* *rolls* Let's see, that's a 14 and 16 total.
Wizard: Goblins have 15 AC! You got him!
DM: Rapid shot is -2 to each. Did you take that into account?
Ranger: ...uh...no. 12 and 14.
DM: :smallbiggrin: Crank...crank...crank...crank...crank... .
Wizard: Fine. I don't have anything left that will help. Bard?
Satyr: Daggers again, son of a succubus! *rolls* *rolls* A 1 and a 2 plus 9. Dammitdammitdammitdammit....
DM: Aaaand...the goblin goes. He shoots at the wizard. *rolls* 18 total. Damage...*rolls*...8.
Wizard: I have 2.
DM: The goblin stops cranking his crossbow, levels it at the wizard, and takes him in the chest. He drops. The goblin then flees. :smallcool:
Paladin: We can't leave the wizard, and if we split up the party...
Favored soul: DON'T. SPLIT. THE. PARTY. With our luck, who knows how many other goblins there are?
DM: So he gets away?
Party: Yes. :smallredface:
DM: You do realize he was a standard goblin right?
Party: Yes. :smallannoyed:
DM: A single CR 1/3 creature held off a seven-person party of level 4 PCs, killing 1 and KOing 1?
Party: YES. :smallmad:
DM: I think I shall call him...Squee.
Party: RECURRING VILLAIN! WE'RE ****ED!
DM: :smallbiggrin:


There you have it.

Raz_Fox
2009-07-14, 12:38 PM
My funniest session is actually a few sessions put together, all with a common theme: I had just gotten to college and I agreed to help the two other D&Ders in my dorm teach some new folks how to play. For this, everyone ordered their own set of dice...and we think the store sells crooked dice, because I saw more 20s and 1s in those first five sessions than I've seen since I started playing in 1998. This tendency led to the following two scenarios, copied from my session notes with liberal addition of smileys:

Second session of the campaign.
We're tracking a bunch of kobold cultists trying to summon Tiamat to the Material Plane. Leaving a forest, we come to a goblin castle that's guarding the pass to the kobold's temple; there's a wide open plain in front, and no one can get across without being seen. By the way, we're all level 2 (leveling up once per session to make sure we could run a second campaign before the summer). The encounter goes something like this:

Party Druid: Okay guys, we need a way to open the castle gates. I propose--
Satyr (CN Satyr bard): I charge the castle.
DM: You...charge the castle?
Satyr: Yes. I'm going to hide and charge.
DM: Okay....
Satyr: Charge! And Hide...*rolls* natural 1...****.
*Satyr takes 2 hits from goblin longbows and runs back to cover*
Satyr: That didn't work.
DM: Obviously. Now--
Satyr: Okay, I'm going to disguise myself as a goblin.
DM: :smallconfused: You are aware that goblins are Small creatures...and you're a ****ing satyr?
Satyr: Yeah!
DM: Fine. Roll Disguise.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus...7, after penalties.
DM: O...kay...
Party: But you don't speak goblin!
Satyr: Of course I do! I'll be fine.
*Satyr walks up to the castle*
DM: The goblin says, "Who goes there?" in Goblin.
Satyr: I--
DM: Hold on. *checks his sheet* That says Gnomish, not Goblin!
Satyr: What!? *checks sheet* Uh, guys? :smallredface: I...don't speak Goblin.
Party: WHAT!? :smalleek:
Goblin: "I said, who goes there?"
Satyr: Uhh..."I'm, uh, well..."
Goblin: "Why are you speaking Common?"
Satyr: Uhh..."Well, you see, there was this satyr in the woods that punched me in the throat as he ran by, so now my throat hurts too much to speak Goblin...."
DM: Bluff check.
Satyr: *rolls* 17 plus 10.
DM: :smallsigh:...they buy it.
Goblin: "What's the password?"
Satyr: Uhh... "As you can see, I'm not from around these parts, but I am a wandering goblin bard and I saw your handiwork in the last town, the burning down everything and such, and I thought, I must join these strapping lads and gain more treasure for them, and I figured that hey, with my bagpipes--yes, bagpipes--I could inspire your gallant band to greater heights of amazingness. Mind if I join?" (Note: The satyr has a Scottish accent)
DM: Roll Bluff.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 14.
DM: 5 out of the 6 guards buy it. :smallannoyed:
Last Goblin: "I'm not sure about you...will you consent to being bound while we take you to our leader?"
Satyr: "Sure."
*Goblins take him to a cell, lock him in; the DM pulls out his random dungeon tables and is obviously improvising at this point*
Satyr: Can I see any way to get out of my manacles?
DM: Do you have any tools?
Satyr: ...no.
DM: Open Lock check.
Satyr: 15, plus 10.
DM: Minus 4 for no tools...19.
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM: :smallsigh: Roll Open Lock again.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!? :smallmad:
Satyr: Woohoo!
*Satyr stocks up on material*
DM: *rolls* Some goblins hear the door opening, and they enter. Make a Hide check.
Satyr: 5, plus 8.
DM: The 6 goblins fail to notice you. :smallmad:
Satyr: I sneak out the way they came in.
DM: Move Silently check.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 5.
DM: They don't see you. You exit the room and see *rolls* 20 goblins in a dining hall between you and another door. :smallamused:
Satyr: :smalleek: ****!
DM: You have a surprise round.
Satyr: I run out the other door.
DM: You find your way to the gatehouse, but the goblins follow you, suspicious of your running away.
Satyr: Crap. I use my spear to lodge the door closed.
DM: Strength check.
Satyr: *rolls* 15, plus 1.
DM: The goblins start bashing the door.
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Uhh....
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: *rolls* ...yes.
Satyr: I secure my grappling hook, jump out, and rappel down.
DM: Use Rope and Climb.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20! Plus 5, and 14 plus 2 for Climb.
DM: :smallsigh: Fine. You rappel down the wall. It's 40 feet tall and--wait. Your rope is 20 feet? You drop off the end; Tumble check.
Satyr: *rolls* Uh, it's--
DM: If you say natural 20....
Satyr: :smallbiggrin:
DM: :smallfurious: You take *rolls* 1 damage. You land *rolls* ...right...in front...of the gate.
Satyr: :smallbiggrin:
*Satyr opens the door with a flourish*
Satyr: See, guys? Door open.
Party: ...awesome.


Fourth session of the campaign.
So, we've cleared out the hobgoblin castle (or the satyr has, at least) and have discovered that the kobolds that hired these hobgoblins have also set up three other castles full of goblins guarding the approach to their temples. We're currently 0 for 2 for stopping the Tiamat summoning rituals, so we need to clear out all these castles really fast. By the time we get to castle 3 we're all level 4.

Our party consists of a favored soul/crusader (me), a paladin, a ranger, a druid, a cleric, a wizard/war mage, and of course the satyr bard. Seven level 4 characters can handle basically anything, right? Right?

We've basically finished clearing out castle 3, have found all the clues, items, and McGuffins we need, and are preparing to leave. This was an insanely hard fight, so we're all down to single- or low-double-digit HP and almost out of spells, but I used up all my healing spells and the cleric spontaneously inflicts, so we can't heal yet

DM: So you head out of the room, triumphant, and--hold on. I missed one goblin in the last fight.
Ranger: Come on, it's one goblin; can we just skip him?
DM: Well, I've made the encounters so you get exactly to 5th level; no goblin, no level up.
Wizard: I WANT FIREBALL. Let's kill him!
*Party agrees*
DM: Okay. *ahem* As you leave the room, you see a door slam shut at the end of the hall.
Ranger: Did I see anything enter?
DM: Why yes. A goblin, in fact.
Ranger: What a coincidence. Shall we?
*Party walks to the door*
DM: The door is unlocked. It's a regular wooden door with a small window in it.
Cleric: Hmm...looks like a trap. I look through the slot.
DM: You see a small goblin holding a heavy crossbow...aiming it at your face.
Cleric: Oh no, it's a goblin. Whatever shall I do?
DM: *rolls d20* Crit! *rolls damage* Max! 10 damage, times 2. 20 damage.
Cleric: :smallfurious:
DM: What?
Cleric: ...I have 8 HP.
DM: Oo...kay. :smallconfused: A bolt lodges in the cleric's skull, dropping him in one hit.
Party: :smalleek:
Wizard: What the **** was that!?
DM: That was a Monster Manual-standard goblin with a heavy crossbow and a readied action.
Ranger: Kill the bastard!
*The paladin and I get in position by the door; the ranger, wizard, and druid get in back; the satyr opens the door*
Paladin: CHARGE! SMITE EVIL! *rolls d20* A 1!
DM: The paladin charges up and swings right over the goblin's head; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow. Next?
Favored Soul: FOR KORD! I run up and Mountain Hammer his ass. *rolls d20* Another 1! Crap!
DM: :smallbiggrin: The favored soul charges up and swings right over the goblin's head, barely missing the paladin; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow.
Druid: That's it. My animal companion charges too. *rolls d20* Another 1!? Holy ****, somebody bought loaded dice!
DM: :smallamused: The wolf charges up and bumps into the wall, barely missing the favored soul; the goblin's cranking his crossbow.
Druid: I'm going to ready an action to cast flaming sphere when everyone's out of the way or if he tries to escape.
DM: Fine. Next?
Ranger: Can I attack from here?
DM: You can...but the paladin, favored soul, and wolf together provide cover.
Ranger: I'll risk it. *rolls* 7, plus 11; 18.
DM: That's a...*checks goblin's AC*...heh.
Ranger: What?
DM: With the cover, you miss. He doesn't bother to dodge and--
Ranger: Let me guess. He keeps cranking his crossbow?
DM: Yup. Crank...crank...crank....:smallbiggrin:
Wizard: Damn him! I want 5th level! *checks sheet* I'm out of magic missiles, dammit...Yes! Scorching ray! *rolls* It's...not higher than an 18. :smallfrown:
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Wait! Touch attack! What's his touch AC?
DM: 12.
Wizard: Dammit. :smallyuk:
Druid: Still didn't hit!? Okay, that's it! I hope you guys can take a flaming sphere, 'cause I'm taking this sucker down! Flaming sphere on his space.
DM: So that's a reflex save, DC? *checks sheet* Okay... *rolls* ...uh...
Druid: And...?
DM: :smallbiggrin: Crank...crank...crank...crank....crank.. .crank...crank...crank....
Party: GODS DAMMIT!
Satyr: Come on, luck, don't fail me now...I throw my daggers. *rolls* *rolls* *looks at dice* *looks at DM* *looks at dice*
DM: :smalltongue:
Satyr: You know what? **** you and your goblins.
DM: And...it's the goblin's turn. It's a full-round action to reload, so he takes a 5-foot step back from the flaming sphere and keeps cranking, and cranking, and cranking, and cranking....Next?
Paladin: Well, I can't risk the damage at this point, so I'm gonna retreat. Guys?
Favored soul: Same.
Druid: My wolf comes back, too. Give the ranger a clear shot.
DM: Okay. Next is the ranger.
Ranger: Rapid shot. *rolls* *rolls* Let's see, that's a 14 and 16 total.
Wizard: Goblins have 15 AC! You got him!
DM: Rapid shot is -2 to each. Did you take that into account?
Ranger: ...uh...no. 12 and 14.
DM: :smallbiggrin: Crank...crank...crank...crank...crank... .
Wizard: Fine. I don't have anything left that will help. Bard?
Satyr: Daggers again, son of a succubus! *rolls* *rolls* A 1 and a 2 plus 9. Dammitdammitdammitdammit....
DM: Aaaand...the goblin goes. He shoots at the wizard. *rolls* 18 total. Damage...*rolls*...8.
Wizard: I have 2.
DM: The goblin stops cranking his crossbow, levels it at the wizard, and takes him in the chest. He drops. The goblin then flees. :smallcool:
Paladin: We can't leave the wizard, and if we split up the party...
Favored soul: DON'T. SPLIT. THE. PARTY. With our luck, who knows how many other goblins there are?
DM: So he gets away?
Party: Yes. :smallredface:
DM: You do realize he was a standard goblin right?
Party: Yes. :smallannoyed:
DM: A single CR 1/3 creature held off a seven-person party of level 4 PCs, killing 1 and KOing 1?
Party: YES. :smallmad:
DM: I think I shall call him...Squee.
Party: RECURRING VILLAIN! WE'RE ****ED!
DM: :smallbiggrin:


There you have it.

*Reads story*
*Checks Word document on the computer*

Ah... you wouldn't go by the name Eldritch_Lord on the Wizards forums, would you? Because I have seen the Goblin story word-for-word on the Best Lines Ever thread...

And if you are, I am under an oath to tell you that Valeran Aldrik was the most awesome Warlock ever.

NYYanks6083
2009-07-14, 02:06 PM
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM: :smallsigh: Roll Open Lock again.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!? :smallmad:
Satyr: Woohoo!


That's hysterical:smallsmile:

Oh, here was another good one.

Same 3.0 campaign. Full party this time. We were squaring off with a group of undead, including several vampires and a relatively low level evil human wizard. My character, Jayzon, (lv. 17 at this point) was a Ftr/Wiz focused in two-weapon fighting and illusion spells for defense(with haste, he attacked 7 times on a full attack).

DM: Alright, the human wizard targets Jayzon with a Dispel. Caster level?
Me: Great. Alright, well my caster level is 12.
DM: ok, and how many buffs do you have?
Me: 4. Displacement, Mirror Image, Haste and Shield.
DM: ok, and he has to beat a 22. Soo...first roll is a 24.
Me:Crap :smallyuk:
DM: second is...23
Me::smallfrown:
DM:third is a 25
Me::smallfurious:
DM: and last one is a 24.
Me::smallannoyed:...really?
DM: honestly, he rolled a 19, an 18, a 20 and a 19...sorry bro:smalltongue:
DM:: a burst of white tendrils leap from the wizard's hand, and Jayzon's magical protection are suddenly ripped away. Jayzon, your turn.
Me:: alright, he's is going down. I Use my rod of quickening to cast haste, take a 5-ft step and full attack. Oh, and I use arcane strike to burn a 3rd level spell, so +3 AB and 3d4 damage per hit.
DM:: Ok, and how many attacks do you have?
Me:: seven:smallamused:
DM::...ok, well, roll 'em.
***Jayzon attacks, landing all seven, 3 of them criticals***
DM::smalleek: wow, well roll damage and let me know.
Me:: is he evil?
DM:: why?
Me:: Holy weapon.
DM:: oh, yeah he's evil.
Me::(rolls damage)...hey so question. Does the wizard by chance have over 167 HP?:smallamused:
DM:::smalleek:...dude, you killed him 12 times.
Me:::smallbiggrin: so that's what knights of the round looks like.

oh and question, how do you mark something as a spoiler?

Eldariel
2009-07-14, 02:22 PM
oh and question, how do you mark something as a spoiler?

Use tags.

John Campbell
2009-07-14, 04:33 PM
Gryphons have pretty good grapple checks. And you don't actually need the Snatch feat to pull a grappled opponent into the air ... at least, as far as the DM knew. Oh, and the approaching city guard? Not nearly as fast as a Gryphon's fly speed. Guess what? People even stop trying to resist a grapple when they're looking at a lot of falling damage if they succeed.
Don't count on it!

One of my favorite moments with my current character involved a fight against a group of wyverns. We'd been shooting at them with bows and spells (except for the Knight, who is completely and utterly useless at a range of more than 5'), while they swooped by and tried to sting us. Then one of them decided he was going to dive in and grab me and take to the air again. I had very few options at that point - couldn't attack with the bow in my hand, had to beat the wyvern in a grapple check (very low odds, given its size and strength advantages) to draw another weapon or do just about anything else. However, my character was a street-fighter, and, largely for RP reasons, I'd taken Improved Unarmed Strike.

So I looked at the DM and said, "I'm going to head-butt it."

"Head-butt?"

"You can make an unarmed strike with any part of your body."

"Oookay. Roll it."

Natural 20. 17 on the die to confirm, which was plenty even with the penalty for unarmed strike while grappled.

So I started counting out d6es, and the DM looked at them and said, "It's not denied its Dex against you. You don't get your Sneak Attack."

"Yes I do! That was a crit, and I have Telling Blow!"

And then I rolled near-max on both the damage dice and the Sneak Attack dice, doing enough damage to kill the wyvern outright.

A couple of stupid-high Jump and Tumble results later, the DM ruled that I'd successfully ridden the wyvern's corpse down, and used its body to cushion myself from the impact, so I rolled clear of the shattered corpse, dusted myself off, nocked another arrow, and said, "Okay. Next?"

The same character had earlier punched out an otyugh under similar circumstances...

woodenbandman
2009-07-14, 04:39 PM
AWESOME story! Squee the goblin... priceless. I think that's going to be a rule. Every monster that receives a name will become a recurring villain. And every monster that does something like that will receive a name.

Autopsibiofeeder
2009-07-14, 05:18 PM
This happened last night. Probably not the funniest ever, yet funny enough to make me want to type this out. We're playing a really short campaign because of the summer-blues: lotsa people cancelling due to vacation so we kicked a random player, told him to go DM, whipped up three toons and had a go. As such the campaign is horrible, but enjoyable.

I play a bard (with two warrior friends). The scene is an inn we just checked in to. Normal every day business: the place is packed with drinking locals.

At some point the inn-keeper's daughter serves us beer and, according to the DM, she is pretty good looking. As the warriors start boasting about how they are going to 'conquer' her, I subtly ask for her name as she hands me my drink. A few moments later I decide to step up a table and put on a staggering performance (perform 24). My second song, of course, was about a fair lady called . I see my mates glaring at me in the 'he's doing it again' mode as the crowd goes wild and the lady is charmed. However, it appeared that her boy-friend was in the crowd as well. The DM decided it was a good idea to let him be a barbarian and undeniably drunk.

Moments later, after my performance, I get a beer mug tossed at me and several guys are holding back the boy-friend. I decide to go there and put my charisma to use and put out this fire before it starts to blaze. I fail horribly and the boy-friend starts to threaten me. Initiative is rolled and I roll really low (4 or so). Before it is my turn, the boy-friend attempts to smack me, my warrior friends start flailing his company with their mugs and the tavern becomes a scene of bar-fight mayhem.

When it is *finally* my turn, I tell the DM I want to use my tumble and hide skills to get out of the frenzy and move as unnoticed as possible towards the bar, where the innkeeper's daughter and her friend are watching the fight, and the innkeeper is panicing. I roll very well and the DM lets me get away with it while the bar-fight develops.

10 seconds later, I am standing behind the bar, next to the innkeeper's daughter waving my charisma about and secretly casting [I]Grease spells on the area where the fight, that I caused, is going on.

"So tell me, haven't we met before?"

I just love playing bards :smallwink: .

Twilight Jack
2009-07-14, 05:23 PM
The tale of Squee the goblin brings to mind The Ballad of Randall Tallstag.

Randall Tallstag began his D&D existence as a nameless NE 1st level human warrior who worked as a mercenary for a cult of Nudd. Randall Tallstag had the bad fortune to find himself in a room alone with Thwaak, a 14th level Exalted half-orc barbarian, after said barbarian casually dispatched Tallstag's dozen or so compatriots.

I'll spare you the blow-by-blow, but the long and short of it is that this pathetic little bastard managed to hold the barbarian to a standstill for 5 rounds of combat, through a mixture of cover, using terrain to keep the PC at bay, and a boatload of uncanny luck. The barbarian proved himself incapable of rolling anything but a 1, while the warrior landed two critical hits for impressive damage and another normal hit besides. After round 2 of this match, the barbarian's rage ended, which only further frustrated his efforts.

By the end of round four, the barbarian's frustration gave way to respect. On round five, he finally managed to put the kid down, specifying as he did so that he would accept the -4 penalty to do non-lethal damage, since it wouldn't matter anyway. He finally hit and knocked the kid senseless.

The entire group insisted that the warrior be upgraded to an actual PC class and given a name. So began the legend of Randall Tallstag.

Forbiddenwar
2009-07-14, 05:39 PM
Quick tale:
Killing time on a boat, the Cleric and Barbarian decided to Spar.
Cleric won Init
Cast Command(surrender)
Barbarian gave up.
Quickest match ever!

9mm
2009-07-14, 05:46 PM
while escaping a drow prison, the party came across a caged werewolf, two of the members decide they also would like to be werewolfs (they were evil), so they step into its cell and have a little cage match, and after knocking it out preceded to stick their arms in its mouth and push down on it till they failed their saves. both fail their form checks but make their control checks... which couldn't be said of the drow guards, who promptly started a zombie apocalypse scenario after reaching the slave pits.

Grock_Amon
2009-07-14, 07:50 PM
i got two stories for this part.

one of my favorites happend about a decade or so ago, yeah, its been a while, but still my favorite moment.

i was playing a choatic evel imp, with...well an 'odd' since of humor (for the life of me, can't remember name of the char) either way, the DM had us hunting down vampires and the like, we had to join a secret order to be allowed to be part of some of the missions.

well to cut part of the story short, we failed our rolls and the order thought we were vampires ourselves. locked us up in a room with large windows...daylight came.... my little imp freaked out and started screaming in pain and finally huddled underneath his cloak.

having thought that the imp was the only 'vampire' in the group, the order opened up the door, at that moment my imp screamed (startled them) and knocked them prone with a few good hits to the shins from steel boots :smallsmile:

the next session we were attacking one of the hideouts of the vampires. either way, it was a large caveran of undead trying to slaughter the party (would have worked buuuuut) the lovely little imp of mine skined and hollowed out one of the corpses of the enemies (to this day cant remember what corpse it was) and ran up to the leader of the group of undead, which took no notice because he was too busy controlling the rest of the horde (about 20 or so undead creatures) any who, i stabbed him in the leg with a silver dagger and again in the face when he fell.

and that is how a chaotic evil imp fighter saved the day by skinning a corpse and stabbing a vampire to death with a 6'' blade.

yeah, i never lived it down.

the other story really isnt a 'funny' story, just a char i made and soon had to remake because it was too OPed and the build was exiled from ever being used in the group ever again

full blood orc with lucky rolls, two 16's and an 18. used the 18 for str, and the others for dex and con. bought him a compound bow for the uped str. then gave him quick draw with a long spear. wound up dealing around 20 to 30's dmg with a bow, and when the enemy got close, got a AoO with the spear. all by level 4....it killed a CR 9 or 10 creature solo....what ending up happening was i use him for a supper villian....my players are too thrilled with the prospect :smallbiggrin:

Achilles
2009-07-14, 08:02 PM
Let's see, there was this one time that my group and I decided to start a new campaign the morning after our usual campaign. Long story short, we each ended up drinking two or three martinis each by 8 o clock in the morning as we rolled the characters.

Our party consisted of a wizard who had a habit of "doing things prematurely", a bard who would try to sleep with every female we came across, a female half orc barbarian who was probably our most normal character, and a ranger named Kunte Kinta who the rest of the party referred to as Toby and we would whip him any chance we got (a little offensive, I know, but I'm okay with it).

Throughout the day we played these characters, my wizard, who was known as the "High Wizard of the Great Demon Azazel" impregnated at least 3 (I forget) women and created rapidly maturing tieflings. One of these took over a city before coming out to my character and moving to a cabin in the mountains with his lover Chris. We went to the past to assassinate Jabba the Hutt. We went off the DMs railroad plot to become pirates. We made friends with the Gazebo. Much more happened, but I'll stop here because most of it is pretty fuzzy... *cough*

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-07-14, 08:29 PM
*Reads story*
*Checks Word document on the computer*

Ah... you wouldn't go by the name Eldritch_Lord on the Wizards forums, would you? Because I have seen the Goblin story word-for-word on the Best Lines Ever thread...

I would indeed; I thought your name looked familiar. I started migrating over here when 4e hit but haven't been posting with much frequency here until recently...when I started getting bored to death at work this summer and found conversation over there too depressing and argumentative to bear in addition to my horrible project. :smallwink:


And if you are, I am under an oath to tell you that Valeran Aldrik was the most awesome Warlock ever.

I'm shocked anyone remembers that. :smallbiggrin: Thanks.

D_Lord
2009-07-15, 12:45 PM
The funnest one I can think of is the one which the whole world was crazy. The names, the people, the building it was so funny. But I can't remenber everything but I can give some things. Like the maror was a rock, the old washwomen had a deeper voice then an Pipe Organ.

AslanCross
2009-07-15, 06:00 PM
We were a relatively new group. My players had never fought a dragon before; I'd never run one. I knew we were running out of time with the campaign, so I wanted to leave them with something to remember it by.

The PCs were on their way to the remote castle of a rebellious Marquis in the kingdom they were working for (Cormyr in Forgotten Realms). The easy, obvious way would've been to take the highway over land, but they determined that the sea route would be much faster.

After a run-in with pirates and a rather silly battle with them, the PCs were back on land, traveling through the outskirts of the Vast Swamp to get to the Marquis's castle.

They passed through a boggy area with a shallow lake. A large, rotting log lay floating in the water beside them.

Nobody makes the Spot check. The log springs up out of the water and showers them with acid. It's a black dragon. The PCs have their hands full with it as they struggle to damage it, but it flies around them and strafes with its breath weapon instead of landing to full attack. When it does land, it pounces on the rather obvious spellcaster (the wizard) and knocks him into the negatives twice.

Just as they think things couldn't get worse, a Drowned (MM3) comes out. It's too far to affect all the PCs (or the dragon) with its drowning aura; but the paladin and the ranger are right beside the Drowned when it crawls out of the mud. The paladin makes the Drowning fort saves, and then leaves for the safety of solid ground and out of the aura. The ranger, unfortunately, fails the fort save just as she's about to leave the aura.

The terrain is difficult, slowing the heavily armored paladin and cleric down. The cleric decides to risk entering the aura to use Turn Undead (we used a simple "deal 1d6 damage per cleric level to undead, Will Save half" variant). She badly damages it, but it's not fatal. She then uses Searing Light the next turn and blows the Drowned up for great justice.

The dragon is still around, though, and showers the cleric, paladin and ranger with acid. The paladin's high saves and acid resistance (Aasimar) keep him relatively unscathed. The cleric's HP gets cut in half, but the ranger, who had just gotten up from being at -1 HP due to the drowning aura, is saved by me fugding the roll, leaving her at -9. Didn't make sense to kill someone off and replace her in the middle of nowhere.

The entire party tries to avoid forming lines (which is harder than it sounds), but eventually the paladin, his mount (a dire wolf), and the wizard get in enough hits to bring the dragon down to about 15 HP.

The dragon flies up and dives toward the paladin. The paladin readies an action to attack when the dragon gets within range.

The dragon gets within range. The paladin attacks. And crits.
The dragon's corpse practically somersaults under the force of the blow as the paladin cleaves its head down the middle. Much cheering.

Laurellien
2009-07-15, 06:39 PM
One recent one springs to mind.

I'm playing Edward Avery aka Thomas Vane aka Slipknot Pete aka Morgan Roberts aka Ali Bashir, a changeling Swashbuckler/Fighter/Rogue.

We're on our way through the mountains to find the Crypt of Lyzandred the Mad, when all at once we are set upon by a flight of Wyverns.

The rogue, warlock and my character all get snatched by the Wyverns. The remainder of the party try to kill the wyverns but end up hitting us by accident.

The rogue manages to wriggle out of the Wyvern's grip early on and lands in a ravine. The Wyvern lands and keeps trying to eat the rogue who dodges most of the time. The party barbarian then charges the wyvern and tears it to pieces with his claws.

Meanwhile, the warlock is carried a very long way indeed before managing to wriggle free. He is dropped 70 feet and is knocked out by the fall. He stabilises and begins to slowly crawl back to the party (about 3 days' travel away).

I however, still have my rapier out. I start to stab the Wyvern to make it let me go. It gets fed up of this and drops me. I successfully roll a tumble and jump check and so despite falling 70 feet, I land conscious, healthy and on my feet!

Captain Alien
2009-07-15, 07:00 PM
My favourite session was the final round of a deathmatch tournment... The Kratkarn's Tournment. I was dming.

In one corner...
Our heroes
Zhuko, a badass cleric/psi-warrior
Great Walker, a badass ghostwalker wielding an ice greatsword
The useless party rogue
Kruto, the duskblade
Swiftblade, a NPC assassin.

In the other side...
The rivals
Set, a new enemy for those guys. He was a wizard.
Shax, the impressive rival of Great Walker since they started the adventure.
Belak, Shax's brother, and druid. He was using the form of a warhorse.
Two zombified adventurers

The battle starts. Shax disarms GreatWalker. Eventually, Kruto and Swifblade kill the zombified adventurers. Belak starts casting, and Set uses a Symbol of Fear. Only the useless party rogue runs scared. Zhuko and Swiftblade kill Belak, and Shax tries battle Great Walker in a duel. Kruto starts to shoot at Set, and Set starts to shoot at them. Great Walker is having a cool, deadly fight with his archenemy. Then he knocks Shax out, and the helmet falls. Surprisingly, the manly Shax is a beautiful, 15 years old girl, red haired and cute. She jumps away from the ring to avoid being killed.
Set is now alone, and creates a force wall. Zhuko dispels it, and they stab Set until he dies.
But then, when they are about to retrieve their prize, Set turns into an enormous, horrible and cruel demon. The useless party rogue returns to the battle in these new circumstances, and they all start fighting the abomination. It eats Swiftblade and the useless rogue. Everybody is about to die. Just like that. Another round and they fall. but then Zhuko casts a spell from a scroll: Harm. The creature fails its Attack of Oportunity, and its save, and explodes in a shower of blood and dead bugs.

They loved that battle!

kladams707
2009-07-15, 07:52 PM
2E D&D game in which the two gnome illusionists of the party beat the thief of the party.

Jerthanis
2009-07-16, 05:07 AM
In a well developed prepublished world, I inserted a podunk political city-state with developmental potential between several nearby power groups as a center for political, military and religious action to come to my players in their seat of power, Deep Space 9 style. In an arabian/sahara desert style region, this village was built on the ruins of an ancient civilization that had tapped the underground aquafers in this region with pumps capable of feeding a population maybe a million strong. Unfortunately, the magic that sustained the modern-esque conveniences within the ruins themselves was damaged in such a way that it leaked excess magic and mutated the bodies and minds of the original settlers, causing them to grow paranoid, but simultaneously gain vast physical and magical powers. These insane superhumans quickly grew to be a class of despotic nobles over the commoners who came to settle nearby on rumors of the water and shelter available. Terrified that the people would take up arms and overthrow them, these nobles instigated a water ration, disallowing a single household to have more water than they would need to survive, and outlawing water hoarding on penalty of death.

The PCs wander in, decide this tyranny needs to end, and begin investigating. Long story short: They sneak into the ruins, confront the leader, take his head off with a single, well placed spell, stuff his corpse in an alcove, impersonate him flawlessly to tell the nobility to stand down, forget entirely about where they put the leader's corpse, blow up the ruins, then tell the populace that they don't need the ruin's conveniences... then get reminded that the ruins' water pumps were the entire reason the population survives, and that they'd have to emigrate to survive if the ruins were destroyed... the players then fixed the broken pumps as best they could, and said that what the people really needed was an elected leader, and one of the bureaucratic-minded PCs set up a system whereby corruption was difficult, and the election would be run clean and fair... then that same PC decided that it was too dangerous to let the society choose its own leader (who could be a war-mongerer, or another despot), so then rigs the election that he himself set up as not-subject to corruption to make it so one of the PCs won. Needless to say, the PCs ended up being a lot less secure in their power base than I had originally assumed. The most enjoyable part was they accomplished all this in one session, jumping from hairbrained scheme to another without pause. Normally our group gets consumed with review and reconsideration, or otherwise get nowhere.