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Dyllan
2009-07-22, 12:25 PM
I'm playing a Half-Elf Bard in 4e, and have an ability that thematically does psychic damage when I insult my opponent. I'm running out of good insults though.

Anyone care to share some effective insults I can use in character, during combat, against most anything?

Thanks

Talya
2009-07-22, 12:39 PM
"How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"

...What?

Dark Faun
2009-07-22, 12:40 PM
Generally, "You look like a [opposite gender]!" is a good insult.

Depending on the players' opinion of them, so is "Elf." Even if you're Half-Elf.

BigPapaSmurf
2009-07-22, 12:45 PM
Well it certainly depends on eho/what you are insulting, giving them their enemies traits is always effective(To and Orc: "Hey, you look just like this elf chick I know"). Anything directed at their God(s)/religion is a bonus. Claiming Lawful Good or other Good people are liars or that you saw them/heard about them doing something particulay vile works well...

Notice whatever holy symbol they have on them and ask if you can have it, it would make a great handle for your latrine scraper.

kjones
2009-07-22, 12:50 PM
"How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"

...What?

How did I know that this was going to show up in this thread.

Kylarra
2009-07-22, 12:59 PM
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! :smallbiggrin:

Anxe
2009-07-22, 01:05 PM
http://www.thejokeyard.com/your_momma_jokes/index.html

That's all the insults you'll ever need.

Worira
2009-07-22, 01:09 PM
Vicious Mockery is the best power ever. Finishing off the BBEG of a campaign by making snide comments about the colour scheme of his armour is hilarious.

Anyway, this (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html) and this (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/shake_rule.html) might come in handy.

Ravens_cry
2009-07-22, 01:32 PM
Here (http://www.worldofmi.com/gamehelp/insults/mi1.php)may also be inspirational.

Telonius
2009-07-22, 01:36 PM
"Nice try. That might have hit me, two editions ago."

EDIT: Bards get the "Ignore Fourth Wall" ability in 4e, right?

Platinius
2009-07-22, 01:38 PM
Is that the ability :elan: uses in combat? :smallwink:

Tharivol123
2009-07-22, 02:03 PM
Anything from here (well:http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Insult_Beer_Pong) would work as well

Heliomance
2009-07-22, 06:13 PM
People fall to the ground when they see me coming.

comicshorse
2009-07-22, 06:19 PM
My name foul thug is Bruno
And you're not in my class
So step right up my ugly friend
And I'll gladly kick your ass

( Presuming your characters name has two syllables)

Quirinus_Obsidian
2009-07-22, 06:37 PM
Personal favorite when going against a spellcaster; after he fails to beat my SR and/or I make my save: "Your pathetic ramblings gleaned from the tattooed <genitals> of an inbred goat will never break my fortitude!". I gained some bonus XP for that one :smallbiggrin:

LibraryOgre
2009-07-22, 06:43 PM
People fall to the ground when they see me coming.

Even BEFORE they smell your breath? ;-)

nysisobli
2009-07-22, 06:47 PM
lol My father once told me i was a bigger disappointment then the crucifixion.

AstralFire
2009-07-22, 07:50 PM
"That's right. Keep doing that. Everything is going exactly as planned, my dear little friend. I must thank you on your cooperation - you've been a splendid accomplice. I couldn't ask for more obedience from a puppy."

"No one informed me that we would be fighting a Gorgon today."

"You smell like something died. From the looks of things, I'd guess it was your brain."

"My god, my ears! How long did you train to make your voice a lethal weapon?"

"Quite an impressive display. Tell me, what is your fee for childrens' festivals?"

"If you're quite done mincing about like a scared, blind gamefowl, I have some appointments to keep."

"A face only a mother could love. An orc mother. A drunk orc mother. Blind, too. On her death bed. At swordpoint."

"Oh, great- I mean- geez, have you looked at yourself in a mirror? Do you know what you look like? A jester. We're fighting jesters now. When I signed on with this group, I was promised great deeds to speak of. I can just envision this one now when I head back to the guild. 'And what did you do on the next day, <PC NAME>?' 'Well, I engaged in lethal combat with a jester. Behold my mighty combat prowess, for I have slain a stupid colorblind man who walks funny and probably smells in the employ of easily amused nobles, in definitely-not-single-combat!' Ugh. Let's... let's just get this over with..."

Dogmantra
2009-07-22, 07:56 PM
"Excuse me, is your grandson/daughter home? I was looking for a fight."

"If I knew you'd be doing ballet, I would've brought a spare tutu"

If they're male and weilding a rapier:
"How fitting for someone of your... stature..."

oxinabox
2009-07-22, 08:27 PM
I would insult you now, but i can clearly see your INT is bellow 3 and so this would have no effect

Strawman
2009-07-22, 08:33 PM
I can see the familiar, but where is the wizard summoning the puny thing?

gibbo88
2009-07-22, 08:34 PM
Pick one of the many horrible ones from either Morrowind or Oblivion from the Elder Scrolls series. Eg:

- "You move like a pregnant cow!" or;
- "I've fought *insert weak monster opponents* tougher than you!"

or for a fourth-wall breaker:

"Are you sure you aren't a random encounter?"

Ravens_cry
2009-07-22, 08:42 PM
If in your shoes, wiser folk would have killed themselves in shame.
By what small chance were you not strangled at birth?
It dishonours me to fight caul headed infants such as yourself.
Were you born with that face, or did your <pet of choice> take to scratching it?

Guancyto
2009-07-22, 08:45 PM
- "You move like a pregnant cow!"
"You're gonna milk this moment for all it's worth, is that it?"


- "I've fought *insert weak monster opponents* tougher than you!"
"You're making it up. A housecat would never be merciful enough to spare your life."


"Are you sure you aren't a random encounter?"
"Does it matter? A TPK is a TPK!"

Combat insults are more fun when they're banter. :smallbiggrin:

Edit: here's a classic: "What kind of sick man sends babies to fight me?!"

Overlord Nicy
2009-07-22, 08:46 PM
Gods, you're more useless than a slug! Now go sit over in the corner and let the real men fight, Sluggo.

Haven
2009-07-22, 08:53 PM
Edit: here's a classic: "What kind of sick man sends babies to fight me?!"

Ooh, yes. In fact, the TF2 taunts (http://tf2wiki.net/wiki/Taunts) would probably work surprisingly well, if you ignore the ones that don't apply.

gibbo88
2009-07-22, 09:00 PM
"What kind of sick man sends babies to fight me?!"

"Michael sends his regards!"

Too soon? Though I agree combat banter is better than insults.

shadow_archmagi
2009-07-22, 09:03 PM
"Oh, SAW-RY" is one of the best taunts ever. Unfortunately you have to hit them with a saw first.

"I was told we would be fighting MEN"

"What's that sandvich? KILL THEM ALL? GOOD IDEA"

"Don't run! IS ONLY HAND"

Pie Guy
2009-07-22, 09:25 PM
"I, Garland, have just knocked you down!"

Make it hurt.

oxinabox
2009-07-23, 12:14 AM
Anyone go the full script of monkey island?

Zen Master
2009-07-23, 02:26 AM
Edit: here's a classic: "What kind of sick man sends babies to fight me?!"

One who likes to give you a sporting chance :p

ShneekeyTheLost
2009-07-23, 03:17 AM
Okay, so when is your boss going to make an appearance? I've got a three o'clock appointment at the red-light district. Could you tell him to hurry things up?

Run along, little minion. You're not even worth xp anymore.

Ye gods, the Fort Save on your Breath must be recorded with scientific notation

Wait... you mean that's hair? I thought that was your familiar, cunningly hiding so as to pounce at some unsuspecting moment. Then again, if any living being looked that shabby, it wouldn't have been able to do much other than decompose...

I'm sorry, but since the Paladin started tagging along, I am no longer allowed engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent, so I'm going to have to decline to retort.

Okay, miss... time to let a REAL MAN help you... wait, you're a GUY? What the hell kind of guy wears a DRESS? I'm not buying that 'it's just a robe' cop out, that thing has frills.

So you can tell the laws of physics to sit down and shut up, but you cannot manage to shave your stubble?

Awww... look, it's got an opinion. Isn't that cute...

It's so amusing that you think you actually have a statically significant chance of doing anything in the first round other than emitting a high-pitched scream before dying a hideous death.

Jair Barik
2009-07-23, 03:25 AM
"your as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee"

anyone know the counter to that?

Quietus
2009-07-23, 03:30 AM
"your as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee"

anyone know the counter to that?

"Odd, I thought your mother was rather attractive, myself."

ShneekeyTheLost
2009-07-23, 03:34 AM
"your as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee"

anyone know the counter to that?

Let's not bring your mother into this, I've got enough nightmares as it is

Have you checked yourself in a mirror lately?

Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You're black.

Ahh, the bitter sting of Jealousy is never easy to feel, is it?

Then why do you accompany one? *points at party arcane caster*

Poil
2009-07-23, 04:03 AM
"you're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee"

anyone know the counter to that?
"I look that much like your fiancé?"


"Every enemy I've met I've annihilated."
-With your breath, I’m sure they all suffocated.
"I'll hound you night and day"
-Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay!
"Killing you will be justified homicide"
-Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.
"Never have I seen such clumsy swordplay."
-You would have, but you were always running away.
"Throughout the Caribbean <insert name of land here> my great deeds are celebrated."
-Too bad they’re all fabricated.
"You’re the ugliest monster ever created."
-If you don’t count all the ones you’ve dated.
"Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified."
-Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.
"Heaven preserve me! You look like something that’s died!"
-The only way you’ll be preserved is in formaldehyde.
"Your stench would make an outhouse cleaner irritated."
-Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.
"I’ll leave you devastated, mutilated, and peforated."
-Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.
"You can’t match my witty repartee."
-I could, if you would use some breath spray.
I'm stopping here. :smalltongue:

Roc Ness
2009-07-23, 06:05 AM
Those made me crack :smallbiggrin:

How about this (To the tune of "Do you like waffles")

Do/Don't you think he/she/it(s) <two syllables>
Yeah we think <gender>'s <two syllables>
Don't/Did you know his/her/it's <important thing>'s <one syllable noun/adjective eg. fat>
Really is <gender>'s <important figure>'s <one syllable noun/adjective eg. fat>
<something similar (7 syllables)>
<something similar (6 syllables)>
Do-do-d-doo <Seven syllables relative too facts within song>

<derogorative term>

So you end up with something like

Don't you think he smells bad?
Yeah we think he smells bad!
Did you know his mum's ooze?
Really is his mum's ooze?
He needs to get some mouthwash!
Woah he needs some mouthwash!

Do do d-doo ~ His breath could kill a hydra.

Reject

Elthanir
2009-07-23, 06:29 AM
- "I've fought *insert weak monster opponents* tougher than you!"

Flumphs? ;)

ShadowFighter15
2009-07-23, 06:32 AM
"Don't run! IS JUST HAM"

Fixed it for you.

Irreverent Fool
2009-07-23, 07:01 AM
This is one of my favorites and my mongrelfolk warblade used it frequently:

"Hey ugly! Were you born ugly, or were you just born that way?"

If nothing else, it should get a giggle out of your fellow players the first time you use it. Or maybe they'll just look at you like you're an idiot. I tend to get a little of both.

I usually insert a pause after "Hey ugly!". My fellow players picked up on it and began to say the rest of the insult in unison in-character as I did.

obnoxious
sig

Eorran
2009-07-23, 09:19 AM
I'd usually just use Monty Python's French knights.

Related question:

If you bring an enemy to 0hp or less with Vicious Mockery, how does your DM describe the effect?

The only way I could think to describe being taunted to death comes from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, when Marvin shot the Vogons with the Point-of-View gun.

Cue monster lying on the ground, moaning "I can't go on... it's all so depressing..."

HamsterOfTheGod
2009-07-23, 09:55 AM
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! :smallbiggrin:

Why thank you!

Ravens_cry
2009-07-23, 10:16 AM
Anyone go the full script of monkey island?

Get ye insults, get ye hot fresh insults, get 'em while their hot! (http://www.worldofmi.com/gamehelp/insults/)
* * *
Looking at you, I would say your mother was very merciful.

Finn Solomon
2009-07-23, 10:26 AM
"How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"

...What?

I thought of Scott Pilgrim, not Monkey Island.

Ravens_cry
2009-07-23, 01:19 PM
I thought of Scott Pilgrim, not Monkey Island.
I think it's both.
***
Your stench is so great, even your fleas are repulsed.

quick_comment
2009-07-23, 01:27 PM
After a caster fails with a spell.

*grabs crotch* Cast this!

Rhydeble
2009-07-23, 02:37 PM
Alternatively, you could go 8-bit theater on them and make a joke that's SO BAD it HURTS.

Dyllan
2009-07-23, 06:05 PM
Related question:

If you bring an enemy to 0hp or less with Vicious Mockery, how does your DM describe the effect?

The only way I could think to describe being taunted to death comes from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie, when Marvin shot the Vogons with the Point-of-View gun.

Cue monster lying on the ground, moaning "I can't go on... it's all so depressing..."

Usually, he describes the monster's head exploding.

Honestly, I find your idea much more realistic.

These are great. Of course, I already had gone through the Monkey Island list, but the rest of these are mostly new to me. If anyone has more, I'd appreciate it. I want to try to never repeat another insult.

chiasaur11
2009-07-23, 06:26 PM
Right.

"Better not spend too many resources. We're fighting kobolds later."

"So I said to Ao, I said, 'I bet you can't create a creature less terrifying then a baby duckbunny. No way, no how.' (look at opponent.) Right. Looks like I owe a certain overdeity 5 cp."

" I'm really sorry, but I'm busy fighting monsters right now. I can sign your autograph book later. I mean, I know arthritic orphans don't get to meet heroes every day..."

Dyllan
2009-07-23, 06:36 PM
"So I said to Ao, I said, 'I bet you can't create a creature less terrifying then a baby duckbunny. No way, no how.' (look at opponent.) Right. Looks like I owe a certain overdeity 5 cp."

Great one, but I have one question.

What's the proper pronunciation of Ao? That's sort of critical to pulling this off.

warrl
2009-07-23, 07:02 PM
Don't forget that there can be all sorts of prejudices. Not only regarding races and classes, but among VARIANTS of a class. My 3.5E barbarian with standard (PH) rage thinks that the variant of rage (CW I think, maybe PH2) that automatically kicks in when at half normal HP is a sign of a coward and an idiot, and is not the least bit hesitant to scream out the appropriate insults in combat.

(It didn't hurt any that it took the troll and I 6 rounds to do nothing but beat the enemy barbarian down to that level - with the troll getting healing twice - and from there we killed him and five mooks in two.)

AstralFire
2009-07-23, 07:26 PM
Great one, but I have one question.

What's the proper pronunciation of Ao? That's sort of critical to pulling this off.

Ei-yo? That's how I've always done it. "Ow" just doesn't have that mythical punch to it.

Ravens_cry
2009-07-23, 07:52 PM
Ei-yo? That's how I've always done it. "Ow" just doesn't have that mythical punch to it.
Dee-Em.
Yes,I am sure you ALL saw what I did there.