Randel
2009-07-25, 09:55 PM
Okay, assume that in some warped future then the overpopulation "problem" becomes so great that society has to find some way to cull its own population (assume that its primary focus is on killing off adults instead of preventing new people from being born).
Naturally, the secret rulers of the world (who have all read up on the Evil Overlords list) don't want to start masive wars or zombie apocalypses quite yet and are instead looking into ways to make suicide sound like fun.
So, in the spirit of Futurama, what sort of self-termination services would be awesome to see (or at least know that they existed and not necessarily use)?
1). Firecracker Rocket Pack:
Ever since the past, people have wanted to go into the future so that they could fly around in jet packs. However, as we presently know jet packs are horribly dangerous and using them will either result in burns, explosions, or falling from great heights.
So, why not amp up the suicidal danger by making your rocket packs explode like Forth of July fire crackers? As long as you don't care about dying horribly, the least you do is die explosively and at high speed! All use of Exploding Suicide Rocket Packs will take place in areas far away from civilization so that the user can feel the joy of soaring far above the ground before exploding into a million technicolor bits! Exploding Suicide Rocket Motorcycles and Exploding Suicide Rocket Surfboards are also available, Exploding Suicide Rocket Cars are not yet available since the ordinance required to get them up to speed tends to rip the vehicle apart before it gets very far.
Explosion Co. will not be held responsible for accidental death, dismemberment, or survival as a result or in spite of using Explosion Co. products.
2). Deathsticks:
(This was inspired a bit by the line in Attack of the Clones where some guy was selling Deathsticks... I mean, who the heck would name their product Deathsticks and who would actually buy them?)
For those people who actively want to kill themselves and think that drinking themselves to death would take too much time, Deathsticks provide all the groovetastic effects of other drugs along with an extra lethal kick! Guearanted to kill you quicly or your money back!
DeathSticks Incorporated will not be held responsible for murders in which using Deathsticks were used on unsuspecting victims. If you suspect that you have been poisoned with a Deathstick (symptoms include groovy hallucinations, the urge to sing jazz music, complete lose of appetite forever, and suddenly feeling painful injury as being totally cool) then please stop and call poison control or 911 as soon as possible. Deathsticks are filled with a glowing technicolor nonsoluable gel that smells like rotten fish, don not consume this unless you want to die.
3). The Explosion Show:
This all new reality gameshow has contestants go through a variety of dangerous task until only one (or fewer) survives. The survivor (if any) gets a fabulous cash prize and medical treatment. The losers get cremation as a consolation prize.
Naturally, the secret rulers of the world (who have all read up on the Evil Overlords list) don't want to start masive wars or zombie apocalypses quite yet and are instead looking into ways to make suicide sound like fun.
So, in the spirit of Futurama, what sort of self-termination services would be awesome to see (or at least know that they existed and not necessarily use)?
1). Firecracker Rocket Pack:
Ever since the past, people have wanted to go into the future so that they could fly around in jet packs. However, as we presently know jet packs are horribly dangerous and using them will either result in burns, explosions, or falling from great heights.
So, why not amp up the suicidal danger by making your rocket packs explode like Forth of July fire crackers? As long as you don't care about dying horribly, the least you do is die explosively and at high speed! All use of Exploding Suicide Rocket Packs will take place in areas far away from civilization so that the user can feel the joy of soaring far above the ground before exploding into a million technicolor bits! Exploding Suicide Rocket Motorcycles and Exploding Suicide Rocket Surfboards are also available, Exploding Suicide Rocket Cars are not yet available since the ordinance required to get them up to speed tends to rip the vehicle apart before it gets very far.
Explosion Co. will not be held responsible for accidental death, dismemberment, or survival as a result or in spite of using Explosion Co. products.
2). Deathsticks:
(This was inspired a bit by the line in Attack of the Clones where some guy was selling Deathsticks... I mean, who the heck would name their product Deathsticks and who would actually buy them?)
For those people who actively want to kill themselves and think that drinking themselves to death would take too much time, Deathsticks provide all the groovetastic effects of other drugs along with an extra lethal kick! Guearanted to kill you quicly or your money back!
DeathSticks Incorporated will not be held responsible for murders in which using Deathsticks were used on unsuspecting victims. If you suspect that you have been poisoned with a Deathstick (symptoms include groovy hallucinations, the urge to sing jazz music, complete lose of appetite forever, and suddenly feeling painful injury as being totally cool) then please stop and call poison control or 911 as soon as possible. Deathsticks are filled with a glowing technicolor nonsoluable gel that smells like rotten fish, don not consume this unless you want to die.
3). The Explosion Show:
This all new reality gameshow has contestants go through a variety of dangerous task until only one (or fewer) survives. The survivor (if any) gets a fabulous cash prize and medical treatment. The losers get cremation as a consolation prize.