Short Story: Washington Invictus

[The Demented One]

“There is not,” George Washington had once remarked, “a bullet in this world that has my name on it.” This was entirely true. The General had lost many a coat to an errant musket-ball, and more than once had his horse shot down as he charged, claymore held high. But not once in his life had a soldier, savage or Imperial, marred his immaculate flesh with gunfire. Such power had cost him much–the Seven Lead Devils who presided over firearms were not bought easily. But in the end Washington had struck a pact with each of the divinities, sacrificing much that he might be made impervious to bullets.

However, on this day, Washington, for the first time in the whole of this long war, feared for his life. The British had somehow come to learn of his divine protection–perhaps Dee had finally broken through the wards of occultation laid in the nation’s capital, or else King George had bargained for the knowledge with beings best not spoken of. And so it was that the army marching against Washington today carried no bullets, nor were they even human. The British were fielding velociraptors. A full legion of them, clad in red coats and powdered wigs, advanced on the colonial army, reptilian eyes aglint with the cold malice of primeval hunger.

Washington did not permit himself the excess of profanity as he charged into the saurian infantry; such indignity did not befit a general of the American states. Were his men of a soldierly caliber, they would have followed him into the fray, brandishing their bayonets and thaumaturgic pistols. But he had been saddled with an unkempt rabble, a militia whose talents lay in bluster and bravado. The Americans ran, and soon discovered just how swiftly a pack of ‘raptors could advance. The scaly redcoats had soon laid open the entrails of many a coward, their sickle-curved talons slicing through fatted flesh with unhindered ease. Within mere moments, Washington stood alone, wheeling his claymore around to parry the rapacious claws that beset him. The rest lay in a morass of red, choking on the warm gore that slicked the fields of Monmouth.

Washington was not a man learned of numbers, but even he could count a legion of ‘raptors beyond his puissance to slay. For every scaled body his claymore cleaved through, for every pair of jaws he tore in half with his bare hands, a dozen more advanced, their powdered wigs shining with menace as the sun’s light receded. He cast aside his sword, its weight more encumbrance than boon, and dropped down into a low, centered stance. He knew he could not hope to break the enemy army, not by himself–but his was a code of honor that permitted no notion of failure, no calculated retreat, no weakness of temperance. Washington had trained in warfare with the greatest sages of the blasted North, the Canadian wasteland whose icy expanse spanned between two oceans. And now it was with their ways he fought–the brutal, unstoppable force of the savage Way of the Moose.

As Washington took on the Iron Antler Stance, the raptors drew back, their eyes almost wary. Dinosaurs had once roamed the American continent, but had fallen before the wrath of Utgun Bull-Moose and Yrka Mammoth, the two shaggy war-gods who had sired the nation of Canada. Did the beasts that now besieged him recognize the fighting stance of the god who had slain their ancestors? Washington cared little for such philosophical questions, though he might relate the tale to Jefferson once he prevailed, if he prevailed. After what an almost millennial moment of tension, one red-clad raptor broke ranks, leaping at Washington with its raking talons extended. The General moved slowly but purposefully, changing his stance ever so slightly and extending a single, ring-clad hand. As the dinosaur plummeted towards him, he caught its neck in one hand, his grasp clamping tight around the beast’s windpipe. He threw it to the ground with such force as to shatter its spine with a swift, agonizing crack. The carcass rebounded from the ground, bouncing softly off the hard soil–and, planting a solid kick, Washington drove it into the mass of the raptors, driving them back.

So the fight went, raptor by raptor. One would lunge out, and Washington would shatter its jaw with a knife-hand lunge, driving his fingertips into the soft brainpan of the lizard. Another would seize on the opening to duck under the General’s legs, striving to knock him off his feet. He, however, had held his balance against the charge of elk and the fall of avalanches during his journeys through the northlands, and it would take more than an alchemically-resurrected velociraptor to undermine General George Washington. And for every raptor that leapt and fell beneath his blows, he took a step. Had he sought to run, to escape the horde, they would have fallen on him in instants, carving the flesh from his bones with those cruel claws, so accustomed to American blood. Instead he moved with such slow purpose that the beasts scarcely comprehended he was moving. As long as he stood at the center of their ranks, as long as they were too cowed by his warrior’s mien to attack him all at once, he was invincible.

For three days and nights he fought, forgoing food, drink, and sleep. Lesser men would have succumbed to weariness or hunger, would have gone out in one glorious surge of strength. But temperance was Washington’s watchword, and he kept careful check on his strength. By the end of the third day, Washington had marched thirty miles, beset every step of the way by his saurian foes. Scores of them had been slain, lying in scavenger-picked heaps across New Jersey. But Washington had not slain without retribution; claw-marks were gouged across his body, deep wounds that would have blood copiously out in minutes had the general not slowed the beating of his heart, ignored the burden of his wounds. He could already see his destination in the distance–another hour, and he would be there.

Washington’s mark was the unearthly tor called Beacon Hill. If it had once been a fine pastoral scene, he knew not–for as long as he had been alive, the hill had been a profaned monument to the awful strength of science. For it was on Beacon Hill that Doctor Franklin had devised his final experiment, though it remained untested. The Continental Congress had feared Franklin for his sorcerer’s ways, and Washington much suspected that the bound demon which had devoured the scientist had been summoned by an American thaumaturge, rather than any of England’s imperial magi. But nevertheless, the diabolical machine built atop that hill was the sole weapon capable of defeating such an army, the hellish brood of thunderous lizards whose scale were proof against sword or musket. And so Washington marched onward.

He reached the hill as midnight slouched into its appointed sphere of the sky, casting a tenebrous pall over his struggles. His reptilian foes needed no light to see by, for their inhuman eyes were accustomed to the heat of Washington’s own body, a merit which he lacked. Every step now cost him a draught of his own blood, or a scrap of his own flesh. Intrepid as he was he could not fight forever without surcease, while the teeming multitude of his foes ensured there would always be another raptor. If he failed or faltered before he could reach the hill, America’s fate would be written indelibly upon the loom of heaven, nothing more than a savage land assigned to Britain’s prehistoric allies, the uncouth and ungentlemanly dragon kings resurrected by the darkest of alchemy.

And so Washington’s heart was gladdened as he looked up to the hill, seeing the engine desired and feared at its summit. A needle of pure iridium, scavenged from fallen stars, pierced through the summit of the hill, reaching all the way down to its stony roots. Ringing the starmetal spire were megalithic coils of copper and tungsten, driven into the face of the hill like massive screws. A console of brazen clockworks and polished steel stood before the engine, like a pagan altar to the sky. It was there that Washington would have to ascend to, that he might seize the engine’s reigns within his hands. He leapt forward with a whirling kick, toppling the velociraptors as if they were cherry trees before his axe. He would need to drive them back before he could ascend the hill–and so he hefted high a massive boulder, of such great girth that a dozen men of lesser mettle would have struggled to budge it from its ponderous place. But Washington lifted it without the semblance of effort, and hurled it. Its meteoric fall crushed the forward advance of the saurian troop, and it rolled through their ranks, forcing them back in panic and fear.

Before his foes could regroup, Washington leapt up to the hillock’s peak in seven bounds, as if, by sheer gravitas, he had disregarded the laws of physics that bounded all things to the earth. He approached the mechanical altar, cursing his own ignorance–for it was a bizarre assembly of unpolished levers, eleven-pointed dials, ebon toggles, and all other sundry apparati. He threw a lever–nothing. He struck a combination of keys on the console–nothing. He twisted a dial and pushed in a plunger–again, nothing. He sank to his knees in intemperate desperation, praying to the gods of star and stone that his death might not be horrible. And as he lay prostrate before the machine, he saw his salvation–an open receptacle, lying on the underside of the device. For all its scientific refinement, Franklin’s doomsday device was guided by the same principles as the demons Washington had once bargained with: there must be a sacrifice. The machine needed power, and Washington had what it asked for.

The ring on his right hand was set with a black stone, a strangely-angled gem whose facets revealed unearthly reflections, ghastly apparitions of one man–the traitor Arnold. His punishment had been consignment to Jefferson’s thaumaturgical workshops, where his soul had been forged into this ebon gem. And now, with almost nonchalant disposition, Washington threw the soul of the traitor into the machine. There was a flash of brilliant light as the engine drained the soul of its essence, and the general’s hearing was smote by a howl, the anguished cry of a soul being unmade. And that was all it took. Lightning wound through the coils along the hill, sparking and leaping freely, holding the raptors at bay. Shimmering light coruscated along the length of the starmetal needle, waiting to be discharged. Without calibration or correction, Washington slammed his fist down on the machine’s largest panel.

Triumph. A beam of light, pure and brilliant, emanated from the tip of the spire, touching the skies. It shone firebird red at first, then oscillated through the entire spectrum, until the sky was suffused with violet. And then, the heavens opened, raining down fire from the sky. Bolt after bolt struck the hill, a pyroclasm that incinerated the saurians down to the last raptor. Washington ducked beneath the altar, seeking refuge against the unstoppable force he had loosed. Skyfire fell for what felt like hours, until thousands of charred and sky-scourged beasts lay piled in charnel heaps. Washington stood, throttling back a lever that pulsed with luminescence. As he pulled it back, the beam of light from the machine dwindled unto nothingness, and the sky fell to silence.

Washington left the hill that night, marching alone towards Philadelphia.

[GryffonDurime]

Yes.

Yes, I will totally play in an Exalted Revolution game you run.

[The Rose Dragon]

1. I'm scared.

2. This may belong better in Arts & Crafts. I think.

[Eldan]

Holy thing that is good and holy!
That's one of the most awesome things I've ever read. Now we know where Tesla got his ideas, at least. He summoned Franklin's ghost.

[The Demented One]

Holy thing that is good and holy!
That's one of the most awesome things I've ever read. Now we know where Tesla got his ideas, at least. He summoned Franklin's ghost.
Within the setting of this sort-of mythic history, I think I'd make Tesla a Frankensteinian assemblage of parts from different scientists. The brain of Isaac Newton, the bespectacled eyes of Benjamin Franklin, the golden nose of Tycho Brahe, the bones of Archimedes, that sorta thing.

[kpenguin]

If there were a way to make Tesla an acronym of a bunch of scientist names...

[Jalor]

You win twelve internets.

[darkblade]

Small nitpick in regards to historical detail at the time of the American Revolution there was no "Nation Canada" and the British colonies Upper and Lower Canada only went up to modern Southern Quebec so there would not be "frozen Canadian wastes" either.

Everything else though is substantially awesome to make up for it.

[Sstoopidtallkid]

Other nitpick. No one could summon a demon to kill Ben Franklin. The ones he bartered his soul to in exchange for booze and girls would protect their investment.

Now, a succubus eating him, that's a different story. He'd go to that with a smile on his face.

[Dragonus45]

Wow just wow with some wow and wow. i think my brain just broke.

O and Sstoopidtallkid perhaps those demons had a debt to pay. And i think a beter Tesla would simply be the one he wished he was. Doomsday device building maniac with a deathray. HE MUST HAVE AN IGOR. HE ABSOLUTLY MUST.

[Gorgondantess]

....Wow. Just Wow.:smallbiggrin:

[bosssmiley]

That is *exactly* how it happened.


...it would take more than an alchemically-resurrected velociraptor to undermine General George Washington.

Especially that part.

[Dervag]

Within the setting of this sort-of mythic history, I think I'd make Tesla a Frankensteinian assemblage of parts from different scientists. The brain of Isaac Newton, the bespectacled eyes of Benjamin Franklin, the golden nose of Tycho Brahe, the bones of Archimedes, that sorta thing.Nah. Tesla was just the guy who was Absolutely. Sane. Understood everything just perfectly.

[The Demented One]

Dear everyone who liked this,

I've decided I could probably write at least 37 more stories in this vein. I've decided to make a blog for it. Original, I know. It's called Mythpunk (www.mythpunk.blogspot.com). If you think of a better name, please let me know.

Sincerely,
The Demented One.

[Nerd-o-rama]

And so it was that the army marching against Washington today carried no bullets, nor were they even human. The British were fielding velociraptors. A full legion of them, clad in red coats and powdered wigs, advanced on the colonial army, reptilian eyes aglint with the cold malice of primeval hunger.I love you.

[BRC]

Other nitpick. No one could summon a demon to kill Ben Franklin. The ones he bartered his soul to in exchange for booze and girls would protect their investment.

Now, a succubus eating him, that's a different story. He'd go to that with a smile on his face.
That is, of course, assuming that Franklin is actually dead. What do you bet he summoned that demon to pretend to eat him, and actually whisk him off to party in France, or to go to Atlantis so he can get some peace and quiet.

Also: This story requires illustration.

[The Demented One]

Small nitpick in regards to historical detail at the time of the American Revolution there was no "Nation Canada" and the British colonies Upper and Lower Canada only went up to modern Southern Quebec so there would not be "frozen Canadian wastes" either.

Everything else though is substantially awesome to make up for it.
Completely Made-Up-On-The-Spot: In this setting, Canada is ruled by its indigenous peoples. Their leaders are elected by ritual games of craps, played with the knucklebones of long-dead wooly mammoths. Wooly mammoth knucklebones are very heavy, so only the strongest Canadian kung-fu masters get to rule! The British once tried colonizing it, but gave up the first time a Canadian ninja death squad poisoned one of their admirals, contaminating his pot of tea with diabetes-inducing maple syrup.


Other nitpick. No one could summon a demon to kill Ben Franklin. The ones he bartered his soul to in exchange for booze and girls would protect their investment.
Franklin wouldn't barter with demons. He's a scientist, damn it! He has dignity! He paid them, like any self-respecting capitalist.



Also: This story requires illustration.
Paging Mr. Krimm Blackleaf, report to Media Discussions, statim.

[darkblade]

Completely Made-Up-On-The-Spot: In this setting, Canada is ruled by its indigenous peoples. Their leaders are elected by ritual games of craps, played with the knucklebones of long-dead wooly mammoths. Wooly mammoth knucklebones are very heavy, so only the strongest Canadian kung-fu masters get to rule! The British once tried colonizing it, but gave up the first time a Canadian ninja death squad poisoned one of their admirals, contaminating his pot of tea with diabetes-inducing maple syrup.

Now thats more like it. Out of curiosity would you feel offended if others (read: me) were to write similar styled stories regarding different historical figures? I will credit you as inspiration.

[The Demented One]

Now thats more like it. Out of curiosity would you feel offended if others (read: me) were to write similar styled stories regarding different historical figures? I will credit you as inspiration.
Hell, I can hardly claim dibs on a genre. Go for it.

[The Glyphstone]

Freaking.




Awesome.

[Fri]

Damnit. I have work to do! And I'm not even american!

http://fc02.deviantart.com/fs49/f/2009/208/6/7/Washington_Invictus_by_Fri_Freeman.png

[BRC]

Damnit. I have work to do! And I'm not even american!

http://fc08.deviantart.com/fs49/f/2009/208/6/d/Washington_Invictus_by_Fri_Freeman.png
With the power invested in me as a citizen of the United States, I herebye declare you an Honorary American, due to that picture.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Damnit. I have work to do! And I'm not even american!

http://fc07.deviantart.com/fs47/f/2009/208/a/a/Washington_Invictus_by_Fri_Freeman.pngI also love you.

Maybe I should throw something like this together for Otto von Bismarck...

[kamikasei]

Heh heh heh. Blog: subscribed.

Fri, could you spoiler the image for screen-stretchiness?

[The Demented One]

I also love you.

Maybe I should throw something like this together for Otto von Bismarck...
Bismarck is mine. Byron too, and Garibaldi. A man's gotta protect his perverse historical bromances. :smalltongue:

[kpenguin]

Someone has to write one of these about TR.

[Elfin]

And now it was with their ways he fought–the brutal, unstoppable force of the savage Way of the Moose.
Wow, I never knew Washington was a warblade trained in the Moose Antler discipline. :smallconfused:

[The Rose Dragon]

Wow, I never knew Washington was a warblade trained in the Moose Antler discipline. :smallconfused:

Actually, he was probably a Dawn Caste Solar rather than a Warblade.

[kpenguin]

Wow, I never knew Washington was a warblade trained in the Moose Antler discipline. :smallconfused:

He's not a warblade. He's a goddamn unarmed swordsage.

[Elfin]

Bah! Swordsages are but pale shadows of a warblade's might!

[Fri]

oh by the way, here's the version of the pic with sword

http://fc00.deviantart.com/fs48/f/2009/208/1/1/washington_with_sword_by_Fri_Freeman.png

He used claymore in the story, but I like the flintlock since it says 'american revolution' better.

[kpenguin]

For most of the story, though, he used his BARE HANDS.

[Dragonus45]

Bah! Swordsages are but pale shadows of a warblade's might!


No no no, you see he is GESTALT warblade/swordsage/badass.


Any anyone who wants to laugh at the idea of moose martial arts, get a good look at live one. You'll realize just what beasts they are.

[The Demented One]

No no no, you see he is GESTALT warblade/swordsage/badass.
It's pronounced "Zenith Caste Solar with lots of Dawn abilities favored."

[Nerd-o-rama]

Fri: Er, but a flintlock is a gun...


Bismarck is mine. Byron too, and Garibaldi. A man's gotta protect his perverse historical bromances. :smalltongue:Ah, well. If that's how it is, maybe I'll cover someone else from the Revolution. Or Napoleon.

And guys, guys. This story was clearly based on Exalted, not D&D. If you're going to gaming reference, reference the game that TDO was actually basing this on. Yes I know he already explained this.

[BRC]

Ah, well. If that's how it is, maybe I'll cover someone else from the Revolution. Or Napoleon.
If you go for Napoleon, you NEED to give him an elite corps of Minotaurs. You know, for a "Beef of Wellington" pun.


I may have to grab Caesar.

[RationalGoblin]

I'm.. crying... crying tears of joy, that is!

Demented One, you win an All-American internet, to do with as you please.

Subscribed to your blog.

[GryffonDurime]

I blame Borgstrom.

Curse you, R. Sean Borgstrom, curse you and your delightful tales.

[Eldan]

So, if Washington is a Swordsage, does he use White Raven or Scarlet Bravura as a general?

[WhiteKnight777]

Bismarck is mine. Byron too, and Garibaldi. A man's gotta protect his perverse historical bromances. :smalltongue:

Hmmm... Is Teddy Roosevelt still open? I can't get the idea of bear cavalry out of my head.

Edit: Also, Teddy deliberately infecting himself with Ursanthropy to cure his asthma.

Edit II: Perhaps something with Andrew Jackson. Horribly human being, but kind of a badass as well.

And mecha-Lincoln. There must always be Mecha-Lincoln.

This is starting to feel like League of Extraordinary Gentlemen meets Exalted. And that's a good thing.


And guys, guys. This story was clearly based on Exalted, not D&D. If you're going to gaming reference, reference the game that TDO was actually basing this on. Yes I know he already explained this.

Also this. I love D&D, guys, but let's face it: It just doesn't contain the same inherent potential for epic badassery that Exalted does.

[kpenguin]

This should totally be a big expanded universe project. Someone should set up a wiki...

[WhiteKnight777]

This should totally be a big expanded universe project. Someone should set up a wiki...

That's up to TDO. It's his baby.

[The Demented One]

This should totally be a big expanded universe project. Someone should set up a wiki...
I'm personally a fan of just calling it a "genre" and leaving it at that.

[SlyGuyMcFly]

A full legion of them, clad in red coats and powdered wigs, advanced on the colonial army, reptilian eyes aglint with the cold malice of primeval hunger.


You. Are. A. GOD.

[The Glyphstone]

Lewis and Clark would be a goldmine for this thing - all the strange things that they decided should be left out of their report on the West...


Oh, and Davy Crocker. Another disciple of the Seven Lead Devils maybe, but this time for impeccable marksmanship instead of invulnerability?

[Jerthanis]

Also this. I love D&D, guys, but let's face it: It just doesn't contain the same inherent potential for epic badassery that Exalted does.

...kind of... kind of not. D&D 3.5 can be used to do things like fly a thousand miles in a single action, repeatedly throwing someone into the ground along the way, teleport across the face of the planet multiple times per round, explode entire cities with billions of damage, move planets in the sky and stop or reverse time itself, as well as bring back the dead (truly resurrecting them, not as a zombie or ghost). Many of these things are impossible within Exalted.

It's just that most of the more epic things you can do with D&D 3.5 are considered blantant powergaming, and require total system mastery to understand how to pull them off. In Exalted, it's encouraged as flavortext to your actions to be epic, even if you're a 0 xp Dragonblood.

They have the same level of epic potential, the Exalted books just say, "Go out and be epic, you are special, a god in human's shoes." for the first 60% of their content, before they get into mechanics while D&D says, "I dunno, I guess you're probably a mercenary type hero for hire, here's how you kill orcs."

I definitely like Exalted better, but I must admit, D&D lets you do amazing things at 14th+

[WhiteKnight777]

That's pretty much exactly what I mean. D&D allows you to do plenty of epic stuff, but most of the time it just feels like you're a giant cheesemonger because you mostly have to bend the intent of the rules (or outright break it) to do Exalted-level stuff.

And honestly, D&D just never manages to pull off the same mythic feel that Exalted does. Just my opinion though.

[The Demented One]

Oh, and Davy Crocker. Another disciple of the Seven Lead Devils maybe, but this time for impeccable marksmanship instead of invulnerability?
Congressman David Crockett is empowered only by his righteous belief in the United States Constitution, and a racoon-god bound by infernal haberdashery into a totem of supernatural prowess. He can walk like an ox, run like a fox, swim like an eel, yell like an Indian, fight like a devil, spout like an earthquake, make love like a mad bull, and swallow a Mexican whole without choking if you butter his head and pin his ears back.

[WhiteKnight777]

Speaking of enchanted haberdashery, that reminds me of when Andrew Jackson utilized a black silk top hat and the assistance of an unnamed Voodoo Queen (reputedly a forerunner Marie Laveau) to ride (or be ridden by, accounts are somewhat unclear) the infamous Loa Baron Samedi and single-handedly win the Battle of New Orleans.

[BRC]

Congressman David Crockett is empowered only by his righteous belief in the United States Constitution, and a racoon-god bound by infernal haberdashery into a totem of supernatural prowess. He can walk like an ox, run like a fox, swim like an eel, yell like an Indian, fight like a devil, spout like an earthquake, make love like a mad bull, and swallow a Mexican whole without choking if you butter his head and pin his ears back.
Since we're superpowering people what about non-soldiers.

I could imagine a telepathic Henry Clay who, by reading the minds of those on both sides of an issue, is able to craft a mutually accepted compromise.

[The Demented One]

Speaking of enchanted haberdashery, that reminds me of when Andrew Jackson utilized a black silk top hat and the assistance of an unnamed Voodoo Queen (reputedly a forerunner Marie Laveau) to ride (or be ridden by, accounts are somewhat unclear) the infamous Loa Baron Samedi and single-handedly win the Battle of New Orleans.
Yes. With the help of pirates.

[Fri]

This (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_of_Hadley) guy definitely must be here.

[BRC]

This (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_of_Hadley) guy definitely must be here.
He was already brought up.

You know, maybe it's just because I saw Jack Sparrow vs Batman (AKA public Enemies) recently, but I could imagine a similar-styled story about John Dillinger, or some other famous criminal.

As their car pulled up in front of the bank, the men turned to each other.
"What are we dealing with here, In terms of security?" John asked
"Robots. Tesla models from what I heard. Big ones, well armored. Armed primarily with Coils, but they've got machine guns and fists just in case."
"I can handle them".



You know what, forget that. I'll write about the war between Tesla and Edison. Using AC and DC powered armies...hrm...

[WhiteKnight777]

Tesla's already been brought up.

You know, I've always wanted to have Socrates pop up as a Lich...

[kpenguin]

But of course, this (http://www.comics.aha.ru/rus/stalin/1.html) is how WWII ended.

[WhiteKnight777]

But of course, this (http://www.comics.aha.ru/rus/stalin/1.html) is how WWII ended.

Interestingly enough, I mentioned the same comic to TDO yesterday on AIM.

[Hannes]

This is frickin epic.

[The Demented One]

Interestingly enough, I mentioned the same comic to TDO yesterday on AIM.
And while I never responded, I'd in fact read an English translation of it, couple years back. Wish I could remember any of the plot beyond "Stalin vs. Hitler!"

[WhiteKnight777]

And while I never responded, I'd in fact read an English translation of it, couple years back. Wish I could remember any of the plot beyond "Wizard Stalin vs. Wizard Hitler!"

Fixed that for you. But honestly, I think we all know Hitler wasn't much when it came to sorcery.

Mao, on the other hand, was a superlative geomancer. But that's stating the obvious, given the way he sabotaged the Dragon Lines to cause the supernatural typhoons that annihilated Japan's coastal fabrication facilities and prevented the launch of the All-Conquering Celestial Armada near the end of '43.

It's just too bad it took another ten years before anyone got the know-how to create superatmospheric craft again. But I guess that's the price we pay for not bowing to the Thousand-Born Emperor.

[SurlySeraph]

Good Lord. This... this is just...
Just...
I want to tell the story of how Oliver Cromwell, the Iron Flanks of Heaven, banished the Daemon Queen Baphomet from the body of Charles I with a single blow of his mighty obliques, thus allowing Charles's tormented soul to be reincarnated in his heir's body. But alas, Cromwell was destined never to receive his just reward - neither for this, nor for introducing democracy to England, nor for permanently crushing the leprechaun scourge that had menaced England from their emerald citadel since time immemorial. But Cromwell lives on, in the hearts of his people and in his decapitated corpse that wanders the streets of England by night to protect the weak.

[The Demented One]

Good Lord. This... this is just...
Just...
I want to tell the story of how Oliver Cromwell, the Iron Flanks of Heaven, banished the Daemon Queen Baphomet from the body of Charles I with a single blow of his mighty obliques, thus allowing Charles's tormented soul to be reincarnated in his heir's body. But alas, Cromwell was destined never to receive his just reward - neither for this, nor for introducing democracy to England, nor for permanently crushing the leprechaun scourge that had menaced England from their emerald citadel since time immemorial. But Cromwell lives on, in the hearts of his people and in his decapitated corpse that wanders the streets of England by night to protect the weak.
Dude, every Irish person on the internet is going to hate you now. Heck, I'm only...some small fraction Irish, and already my left pinky is trembling in subconscious, Dr. Strangelove-esque murderous rage.

[Piedmon_Sama]

Cromwell's invulnerability would, like the African boar, come from the sturdiness of his warts.

EDIT: Also Rupert of the Rhine's limit break would be that his poodle jumps out of his purse and turns into a blood-frenzied Dire Wolf, but still with the clipped hair.

[Cespenar]

You know what, forget that. I'll write about the war between Tesla and Edison. Using AC and DC powered armies...hrm...

No, no. We all know that Tesla was Faraday's nemesis. His fabled artifact, the Faraday cage, was the only object strong enough to withstand the destructive power of Tesla's coils, prolonging many a battle into stalemate.

Anyway, great piece of writing. Never mind the context, the choice of adjectives alone made me laugh.

[Blayze]

This reminds me of The Five Fists of Science. Also, yes.

[kpenguin]

No, no. We all know that Tesla was Faraday's nemesis. His fabled artifact, the Faraday cage, was the only object strong enough to withstand the destructive power of Tesla's coils, prolonging many a battle into stalemate.

Only Tesla was 11 years old the day Faraday died. Although, perhaps Edison underwent an epic quest to find the fabled Faraday Cage in order to even the odds against his homunculus nemesis.

[BRC]

Only Tesla was 11 years old the day Faraday died. Although, perhaps Edison underwent an epic quest to find the fabled Faraday Cage in order to even the odds against his homunculus nemesis.
Unless Faraday faked his death, and was secretly orchestrating the war between Edison and Tesla.

[SurlySeraph]

Dude, every Irish person on the internet is going to hate you now. Heck, I'm only...some small fraction Irish, and already my left pinky is trembling in subconscious, Dr. Strangelove-esque murderous rage.

The truth about Cromwell is hard to accept - not only because time-traveling druids write all the history books, but also because of ghost leprechaun mind control. But in time, you will come to understand that Cromwell didn't mean to use babies as human shields, those babies were teleported there by leprechauns trying to make him look bad.
(Incidentally, I have Irish ancestors myself, but most of them fought on Cromwell's side. So... yeah)

Though I take your point. Perhaps a less controversial topic would be how Queen Victoria - the incarnation of Durga, the radiant warrior goddess - re-united India by once again defeating the asura Mahishasura. She flew into battle with supreme confidence, although she held no weapons in her eight arms except teacups. She needed no weapons except teacups.

[kpenguin]

Unless Faraday faked his death, and was secretly orchestrating the war between Edison and Tesla.

Or perhaps Faraday was Tesla's creator, an old scientific wizard in his twilight years who tried to find a worthy successor and, none being able to match his brilliance, created one, one dark night in his laboratory.

[BRC]

Or perhaps Faraday was Tesla's creator, an old scientific wizard in his twilight years who tried to find a worthy successor and, none being able to match his brilliance, created one, one dark night in his laboratory.
No, BOTH Edison and Tesla were created by Faraday. They were intended to wake up simultaneously, to bring the world into a golden age that Faraday imagined. However, the experiment went wrong, Tesla's cell was damaged, so it took longer for him to grow. The two creations turned on one another.



Or, Faraday created Edison, but, when Edison turned against him, he knew he no longer had the strength to battle his creation, so he created Tesla. Unfortunately, Tesla was not yet ready when Edison finally managed to defeat Faraday. Tesla, swearing revenge, began his preparations...

[kpenguin]

Or, Faraday created Edison, but, when Edison turned against him, he knew he no longer had the strength to battle his creation, so he created Tesla. Unfortunately, Tesla was not yet ready when Edison finally managed to defeat Faraday. Tesla, swearing revenge, began his preparations...

Indeed.

Tesla found an ally in his quest to destroy Edison in the form of George Westinghouse, who had been Faraday's apprentice and had witness Edison's brutal murder of his master.

In an attempt to gain the power to destroy Edison, Westinghouse prayed to the Nine Lords of Thunder to grant him power. In a dream, they came to him and instructed him to build a chair that would pump currents into the man who sat upon it. Westinghouse did so and sat upon the chair. In a flash of divine lightning combined with the chair's alternating currents, Westinghouse was transformed into a Lord of Thunder, a being of pure electricity able to call down lightning bolts.

From then on, the chair became a holy artifact of the Lords of Thunder and any who would sit upon it without their command would be immediately be struck dead by ten bolts of divine lightning.

[Cespenar]

This thing is contagious.

[Flame of Anor]

The original story reminds me of Dr. McNinja in its complete over-the-top wacky awesomeness, involvement of Founding Fathers, and presence of raptors. That's a good thing, unless you didn't want it to be silly.

I think the Faraday --> Edison, Tesla story would be awesome, too. Don't forget Tesla's death ray and teleporter and stuff. :smallbiggrin:

[Justyn]

http://www.weblo.com/asset_images/large/So_much_win..._495b01906f0b5.png

Who did you sell your soul to to gain the ability to create so much awesome?

[WhiteKnight777]

The truth about Cromwell is hard to accept - not only because time-traveling druids write all the history books, but also because of ghost leprechaun mind control. But in time, you will come to understand that Cromwell didn't mean to use babies as human shields, those babies were teleported there by leprechauns trying to make him look bad.
(Incidentally, I have Irish ancestors myself, but most of them fought on Cromwell's side. So... yeah)

Though I take your point. Perhaps a less controversial topic would be how Queen Victoria - the incarnation of Durga, the radiant warrior goddess - re-united India by once again defeating the asura Mahishasura. She flew into battle with supreme confidence, although she held no weapons in her eight arms except teacups. She needed no weapons except teacups.

Riiiight. Come on, man. The first paragraph reads like a Scientologist tract. Let's try to be a little realistic here, eh? The leprechauns are no better or worse than every other batch of the Fair Folk - they just get a lot more attention.

Second, that might have been what the British propaganda said, but pretty much everyone knows that Victoria was Seelie-blooded. The Fae have always been strong in the British Isles, so it's no surprise that the British royal family is riddled with their half-breeds. It's only surprising that they didn't spread further into the families of other European monarchies - but then, the mainland has its own genetic idiosyncrasies to deal with.

[kpenguin]

Perhaps that is what the world believes, for their minds could not handle the truth.

She was called Victoria, because she had achieved victory over the British long ago and she was called Gloriana, because she was glorious, and she was called Queen, because mouth was not shaped to say her true name.

One of the Old Ones from beyond mortal comprehension, she had come and she had conquered and the British had made her their supreme ruler. For many long years, She Who was Not Meant to Exist and her progeny of monsters ruled over Britain and, secretly, nearly the rest of Europe until a brilliant novelist turned rebel known only as Rache mounted an underground revolution against her, finally driving Victoria and her ilk from the mortal plane.

[WhiteKnight777]

Feh. The Old Ones only ever show up around Japan anymore, and even then, that's only since the Time's End project and the deployment of the Last Rebuke that ended the second World War.

[The Demented One]

Queen Victoria has to be a Great Old One, otherwise, there's no way Sherlock Holmes can fight her.

TITLE OF THE NEXT STORY: Virtue and Vampyrism
In which a young Jane Austen learns much about the nature of material desire, enlightenment, and vampires.

[Eldan]

I now have a desire to write a story like this, but Switzerland doesn't have any sufficiently epic figures. Well, maybe Wilhelm Tell, but he's pretty boring.

[horus42]

This thread is made of win.

As a history major and an Exalted fan, I have to say that... Well, it's early in the morning and I can't think of words sufficient to describe the awesomeness at the moment.

[The Demented One]

New story. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/07/virtue-and-vampyrism.html)

[WhiteKnight777]

...

Solid gold WIN. Was that a nod to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies there at the end?

[The Demented One]

...

Solid gold WIN. Was that a nod to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies there at the end?
That, or just my irrepressible hatred of Sense and Sensibility getting the better of me.

[Sstoopidtallkid]

I now have a desire to write a story like this, but Switzerland doesn't have any sufficiently epic figures. Well, maybe Wilhelm Tell, but he's pretty boring.I live in Texas. :smallbiggrin:

[Nerd-o-rama]

...The things we could do with the Battle of the Alamo...

[SurlySeraph]

New story. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/07/virtue-and-vampyrism.html)

Awesomesauce.

It just occurred to me that Winston Churchill hasn't been mentioned yet. The story of his life - from his initiation into the Bulldog Totem Berserker Lodge to his destruction of the Astral Interference Nexus to allow Stalin to teleport into the Reichstag and battle Hitler in person (http://www.comics.aha.ru/rus/stalin/1.html) - is worthy of some good writing. Of course, Stuart Macrae deserves a lot of credit for inventing rocket-launching cigars, and it's an open question whether Churchill would have been strong enough to force open the Black Gate of Nuremburg without the Wilson-Tritton powered armor. But we're here to talk about great deeds, not the ones who made those great deeds possible.

[Jonzac]

New story. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/07/virtue-and-vampyrism.html)


Link not allowed at work....NOOOOO the deamons of lore mock me.

[The Glyphstone]

Wow, that was weird.

MOAH STOREES.

[The Demented One]

New post's up (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/08/anyone-died.html), bit different.

[SlyGuyMcFly]

Nice piece, although rather different. I have a feeling there's a joke I'm not getting in there, but I'm blaming that on my ignorance about poetry in general.

[Gorgondantess]

She regarded it with all-encompassing love. It regarded her with cerebrophagous hunger.

Brilliant. Truly, brilliant. I love it; I also noticed that you seem to be going for a more comedic route with this piece; while the George Washington one was just over the top crazy awesomeness, this one was comedically absurd.:smallbiggrin:
Also... as a bit of a critique, it does seem to be kindof... random? Like you just wrote it on the spot; it's kindof all over the place. Still, brilliant.


Nice piece, although rather different. I have a feeling there's a joke I'm not getting in there, but I'm blaming that on my ignorance about poetry in general.

Link. (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15403) It's a parody of, In My Humble Opinion, a very pretentious poem.

[The Demented One]

Also... as a bit of a critique, it does seem to be kindof... random? Like you just wrote it on the spot; it's kindof all over the place. Still, brilliant.
Yeah. The thought process was pretty much "What if Jane Austen was Buddha, and Dracula was Maya, and also zombies."


Link. (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15403) It's a parody of, In My Humble Opinion, a very pretentious poem.
Pretentious or not, cummings is pretty brilliant.

[SlyGuyMcFly]

Link. (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15403) It's a parody of, In My Humble Opinion, a very pretentious poem.

Ah, thankee very mucho for the link.

[hanzo66]

Great stories. Also if I remember the guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is also going to be writing Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Reading these I'm reminded of The Amazing Screw-On Head.

[Gorgondantess]

Pretentious or not, cummings is pretty brilliant.

Oh, man... wow. And you seemed like such a cool guy.:smallfrown::smallwink:

[The Demented One]

Oh, man... wow. And you seemed like such a cool guy.:smallfrown::smallwink:
Don't worry, my girlfriend gives me all the crap I deserve for it. I think the next piece will involve less pretentious poetry and more Lovecraftian horror and Lady Gaga.

[The Demented One]

New story's up. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/08/radio-gaga.html)

[Gorgondantess]

New story's up. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/08/radio-gaga.html)

....Huh.
Well, I certainly like the Lovecraftian angle, but what the heck is a Lady Gaga? Also, it's kindof lacking... Mythpunkness. Seems a more modern thing, y'know.
Of course, still lovely.:smallredface:
Also, typo:

Better that life never was, never walked out from the see than to have her walk our Earth.
I believe that's supposed to be sea?
Sorry, but I'm a compulsive editor.:smallredface:

[The Glyphstone]

Lady Gaga (http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Gaga), an American pop singer.

[The Demented One]

....Huh.
Well, I certainly like the Lovecraftian angle, but what the heck is a Lady Gaga?
I fear it's my own provincialism; she's a member of America's very transient celebrity caste.


Also, it's kindof lacking... Mythpunkness. Seems a more modern thing, y'know.
Of course, still lovely.:smallredface:
Well, given that it's the fourth story posted, I think the style's still not fully defined. :smallwink: I do think the modern-ity of it has its weaknesses; it's inherently less universal, and it probably won't stand the test of time that well. This time next year, we'll all remember who Washington is, but probably not so much for Lady Gaga. It's a bit experimental, and I probably won't repeat it too much (although, you could do a good bit with modern Mythos. Lady Gagathulhu to start with; Nyarlathotep would clearly be David Bowie, and Shub-Niggurath would be Jon and Kate plus Eight Billion).


Also, typo:

I believe that's supposed to be sea?
Sorry, but I'm a compulsive editor.:smallredface:
Ah, thank you.

[Gorgondantess]

Ah. Right. Never really been into the whole celebrity spiel. The only one I know of out of those 3 is David Bowie; this time next year, we'll definitely know who he is.:smallcool:
Oh, and he certainly matches Nyarlathotep- man of 1000 forms, indeed.:smallbiggrin:

[The Demented One]

Ah. Right. Never really been into the whole celebrity spiel. The only one I know of out of those 3 is David Bowie; this time next year, we'll definitely know who he is.:smallcool:
You, sir, are a lucky man.

[horus42]

Bahahahaha! That last one was brilliant. It explains so much...

[SlyGuyMcFly]

I fear it's my own provincialism; she's a member of America's very transient celebrity caste.

I can't speak for the rest of the world outside the States, but here in Spain she's depressingly popular.

Also, awesome story. I almost fell out of my chair when I got to the end of the fourth paragraph and realized what the heck was going on. I tip my hat to you, my good sir.



*walks off singing softly*

Muh-muh-muh-my po-po-po-poker face, po-po-po-poker face

[SurlySeraph]

New story's up. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/08/radio-gaga.html)

It's so... so... accurate.

[miserable]

The Washington story was great!:)

My only suggestion would be to describe velociraptors.
Were they Jurassic Park Velociraptors ? Or were they the historically accurate ones which were turkey sized?

I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything , I just remember a pompous English teacher giving me a bad grade once for something similar. lol

[The Demented One]

The Washington story was great!:)

My only suggestion would be to describe velociraptors.
Were they Jurassic Park Velociraptors ? Or were they the historically accurate ones which were turkey sized?

I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything , I just remember a pompous English teacher giving me a bad grade once for something similar. lol
Deliberately ambiguous. People who want paleontologically-accurate velociraptors can have them; people who want Jurassic Park velociraptors can have them.

[The Demented One]

New story's up. (http://mythpunk.blogspot.com/2009/08/wealth-of-nations.html)

[Gorgondantess]

The Washington story was great!:)

My only suggestion would be to describe velociraptors.
Were they Jurassic Park Velociraptors ? Or were they the historically accurate ones which were turkey sized?

I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything , I just remember a pompous English teacher giving me a bad grade once for something similar. lol

...Actually, raptors varied from the size of your average collie to well bigger than a sedan.

Also:
Alexander Hamilton so could take on a god of economics. He's just that good.

A few more typos:

Where a man ought have a head, there was merely a seething soot-black of smoke, bearing a mask of whitest porcelain, carved into a patronizing sneer.
That sounds... really odd. Am I an idiot, or does it need rewording?


The tremendous pull forced the Sagacious Hero of the Treasury to his knees, and as he feel, Mun stood.
I assume that's supposed to be fell?

Still, awesome. I love it. :smallbiggrin:

[Agrippa]

I have a few problems with your Revolutionary Exalted stories, but I'll only mention one or two of them tonight. One, The Wealth of Nations as a katana!? Isn't the katana a Japanese sword while Adam Smith was English? Then shouldn't any sword associated with Adam Smith be of European design? Perhaps a cutlass, rapier or broadsword. Maybe even a smallsword instead. I'd also change General Washington's sword from a claymore to a heavy cavalry saber named Liberty's Blessing, presented to him by General Laffyete on behalf of Liberty herself, goddess of righteous freedom. He should also be the barer of a gladius called The Sword of Cinncinatus. Other than that and a few differences I have with it, I like so far. Keep up the good work Demented One.

[Gorgondantess]

I have a few problems with your Revolutionary Exalted stories, but I'll only mention one or two of them tonight. One, The Wealth of Nations as a katana!? Isn't the katana a Japanese sword while Adam Smith was English? Then shouldn't any sword associated with Adam Smith be of European design? Perhaps a cutlass, rapier or broadsword. Maybe even a smallsword instead. I'd also change General Washington's sword from a claymore to a heavy cavalry saber named Liberty's Blessing, presented to him by General Laffyete on behalf of Liberty herself, goddess of righteous freedom. He should also be the barer of a gladius called The Sword of Cinncinatus. Other than that and a few differences I have with it, I like so far. Keep up the good work Demented One.

It's supposed to be over the top and crazy and inaccurate. Rule of Cool is the only rule. And, as we all know, katanas are so much cooler and better and sharper than european crappy swords and they can cut through a tank I saw it on teh interwebz lolololol!!!11!1! So, yeah, it's only fitting that it was made by a brilliant man like Adam Smith (Who is not english, but scottish- difference there) and wielded by a brilliant man like Alexander Hamilton.

[kpenguin]

I'd take Washington's claymore over any katana any time.


...Actually, raptors varied from the size of your average collie to well bigger than a sedan.

Raptors in general, perhaps, but a velocioraptors are turkey-sized.

[The Demented One]

That sounds... really odd. Am I an idiot, or does it need rewording?
Poetic description.


I assume that's supposed to be fell?
Yeah, I'll fix that.


I have a few problems with your Revolutionary Exalted stories, but I'll only mention one or two of them tonight. One, The Wealth of Nations as a katana!? Isn't the katana a Japanese sword while Adam Smith was English?
Adam Smith was actually Scottish, making the katana a Highlander reference.

[SlyGuyMcFly]

So very great. Another 5-star story, for sure.


I have couple of nit-picks, though.


The crimson coalesced into being within Hamilton’s hands, becoming a sword within his hands

Having hands twice in the same sentence grates a little, IMO.


Hamilton drew back and dealt out a whirling blow, the Boom-and-Bust Barrage that sliced cleanly through the black silt of the Bank-God’s suit.

I suppose it should be "...black silk of the Bank-God's suit."?

[The Demented One]

Having hands twice in the same sentence grates a little, IMO.
Yeah, didn't realize I repeated that phrasing. Ka-edit!


I suppose it should be "...black silk of the Bank-God's suit."?
Yep. Ka-edit redux!

[horus42]

TDO, you're amazing. How do you even come up with this stuff?

[The Demented One]

TDO, you're amazing. How do you even come up with this stuff?
Lots of free time to think, lots of inspiratory source material, and the failure to reject any idea as too silly.

[SurlySeraph]

Awesome. I really want to write a few in this vein, and I will when I have time.

[The Demented One]

If anyone's interested, I've made a tvtropes page (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Mythpunk) for the blog. It needs a better introduction, badly.

[dyslexicfaser]

Cool story. It definitely hearkens back to the style that was so popular with Washington Invictus, and the Sagacious Alexander Hamilton is hilarious. How could Burr possibly hope to duel the Sagacious Hero of the Treasury - and succeed? Fell sorcery!? Magic bullets?!?

I can't wait to see what you do with Thomas Paine or Andrew Jackson, who might well have been our craziest president.

[horus42]

How could Burr possibly hope to duel the Sagacious Hero of the Treasury - and succeed? Fell sorcery!? Magic bullets?!

YES! We must have this.

[The Demented One]

Cool story. It definitely hearkens back to the style that was so popular with Washington Invictus, and the Sagacious Alexander Hamilton is hilarious. How could Burr possibly hope to duel the Sagacious Hero of the Treasury - and succeed? Fell sorcery!? Magic bullets?!?
Aaron Burr has mastered the kung fu arts of being a ****.

[LordOfXoriat]

-edit_deleted-

[Fri]

by the way, the last picture in this thread make perfect enemy for washington.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119043