TheQuestionable
2006-09-21, 12:44 PM
Warning: contains harsh language and crude humor. Read at your own will.
This is the story my brother, Rechard204, made along time ago. He hasn't added on to in in about two years, nor has he corrected any errors. This, like Eragon *Revised* is meant more those who bot love LOTRs and has a good sense of humor. Personally and honestly I think this is alot better (way funnier) than mine.
It may be long but, agian, it's worth the read.
Also The reason why Rechard204 isn't posting this and I am is because he is unable to access a computer and, instead, was eager enough to let me go ahead and get it on the board.
"Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of Seven People"
Narrator 1: - Cheap dramatic music-...One ring to rule them all...one ring to find.
..one ring to pull them into darkness, then to bind them.-music fades-
Narrator 2: Man that was good. How'd you comprehend that masterpiece? You
Never even passed the 10th grade.
Narrator 1: It's on the case of the Fellowship of the Ring movie.
Narrator 2: Ohhh...your still retarded
Loud Voice Narrator 0: The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of Seven People!
Narrator 2: What the smurf.Where'd you come from?
Narrator 1: He's in every movie..
Narrator 2: ......?
Narrator 1: You know, the big loud voice that says the titles of movies.
Narrator 2: Okay, How did a dumb smurf like you get to be #1 narrator?
Narrator 1: Shhhh....the movie's starting.
Scene One
-Bilbos Birthday-
Narrator 1: Today the people of Bilblo's village are throwing him a surprise birthday party.
Narrator 2: Oh um..Bilblo's friend,Gandolf, is to come to the celebr..celebrat..I mean um..
has come to the party to um...smurf it. These words are too small on the script. Man, this
director sucks.
Narrator 1: Man don't say things like that.
Narrator 2: Why should we fear the director? I mean, we have nothing to hide. Why should
he?
Narrator 1: Shhhhh!
Narrator 2: What? It’s not like he's going to kill us or something, I mean....hey,what's with
the gas?
Narrator 1: That's funny...the doors are locked too.
Narrator 2: Oh smurf...
Scene One-
-Bilblo's Birthday-
Narrator 4: Hi...It's Bilblo's birthday...and yes, we skipped a narrator.
Townspeople: Surprise Bilblo! Happy Birthday! or Birthyear..It really doesn't matter.
Bilblo: ..Wow, how'd I do it?One hundred and nine years of this.
Frodoe: One Hundred and Eleven...
Bilblo: Huh..?
Frodoe: One hundred..
Bilblo: What!
Frodoe: ...Happy Birthday,Bilblo!
Bilblo: Hmm..it's 5 o'clock..
Townspeople: Speech!Speech!Make a speech Bilblo!
Adam Sandler: You can do it!
Rob Schneider: Hey,that's my phrase,smurf.
Adam Sandler: O' yeah...
Bilblo: Well gee, if Adam Sandler wants me to..well,ah, I'd like to thank those that believed
I could live this long...(PoP!)...What the...
Townsman: Oh, it's just OJ opening up some wine.
Bilblo: Who invited him anyways?..Let me rap this up....to my brothers out there and word
to Jesus my dawg. (Townspeople clap)
Jesus: That's how I raised him...
Bilblo: And ehh..(digs in his pocket)
Gandolf: Hey, it's Jay Leno with his new joke book!
Bilblo: ...Well I better get going...(slips ring on and disappears)
Townspeople: (Gasp)Where did he go!?
Jay Leno: Why did the toaster cross the road?
Townspeople: .......
Jay Leno: Because it's a frickin toaster...because it's a....(gunshot)
Townspeople: Yay! Break out the fruit roll ups!
Narrator 4: Meanwhile, Bilblo sneaks off to his house to pack.
Bilblo: (shuts door)Gee, glad to get out of there.I can't stand /jay Leno and his corny jokes...
Gandolf: Bilblo...
Bilblo: Huh..
Gandolf: Bilblo, what kind of ring is that?
Bilblo: It's mine...My Precious...
Gandolf: Precious?...It's been called that before....Bilblo your smurfn' crazy...
Bilblo: Am I Gandolf?Or am I the only man that listens to White Snake's Greatest Hits.
Gandolf: (slap)Get ahold of yourself,man,you don't mean that!
Bilblo: I'm sorry I don't know what I was talking about. Oh yeah..(slap)That's for hitting
me.
Gandolf: Son of a smurf!(punch)
Bilblo: (picks up an iron poker and swings it at Gandolf's jaw)
Gandolf: (Slams into a wall.Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Mac 10)Now back up smurf before I bust a cap in your hobbit smurf.
Bilblo: I'm sorry..its just..I'm leaving Gandolf.
Gandolf: What about all your crap...I mean stuff.
Bilblo: Leave it to Bobby.
Gandolf: He died at the Christmas party last year.
Bilblo: Was it a happy death?
Gandolf: He fell in a pepper cauldron and sneezed to death.
Bilblo: Fine, then I'll pick one of my lovely nephews.Pick a number one through two
hundred and sixty-three.
Gandolf: Ninety-nine.
Bilblo: Who's that?
Gandolf: He's that retarded,gay kid with one leg that wants to be a dancer.
Bilblo: Someone else..
Gandolf: Frodoe
Bilblo: Fine,him..
Gandolf: What about the ring,Bilblo?
Bilblo: Umm..
Bilblo's Conscience 1: You don't need it.
Bilblo: I know.
Bilblo's Conscience 2: Dude you've got to be smurfn' crazy.That has got to be twenty carrots of gold.
Bilblo: Yay!...but...
Bilblo's Conscience 1: Do what your heart tells you..
Bilblo's Heart: Smuuuuurf, Conscience 2 is right,twenty carrots I mean come on!
Bilblo's rectum: Bilblo you have to poop.
Gandolf: Bilblo, are you going to drop it or what?
Bilblo: Fine..(Bilblo drops the ring) I'll be going now.(Door shuts)
Gandolf: Man, I never thought he'd drop that ring...what a dumbsmurf.
Gandolf: (reaches for the ring and feels a sense of him being unsure) You know, I'm really unsure...
Narrator 4: So with that, Gandolf sat at a desk thinking of the reason why he stopped going for the ring.Man, if it was me I would have grabbed that smurf and ran.It must have been old age or something...
Frodoe: (Opens door) Bilblo!(Looks around room and finds Gandolf)Gandolf,what are you doing here?
Gandolf: I'm in the smurfn' back.
Frodoe: I meant to say, Where is Bilblo?
Gandolf: He's gone.He left you bag-end.It's all yours now.
Frodoe: What's a bag-end?
Gandolf: How the smurf am I suppose to know,I just read the script.
Frodoe: Oh..ok.
Gandolf: Smurf, it's like dealing with a dumbsmurf.
Gandolf: Here put it in this envelope and I'll stamp it for no reason.
Frodoe: Why can't I just hold it?
Gandolf: Just put it in the damn envelope. Smuuuurf, you ask too many questions.I should have picked Johnny.(Frodoe puts the ring in the envelope) Keep it safe. Keep it secret.
Frodoe: Where are you going?
Gandolf: To the smurfn' library far, far away to the north. So far that it's farther than far a name its puppies. So it's puppies away!
Director: Sorry, didn't get that.
Gandolf: Son of a smurf, smurf it.You say it, I sure as hell ain't.
Director dressed as Gandolf: To the smurfn' library far, far away to the north.It's farther than far so I'll give farther than far a name...I'll name it Puppies. So it's Puppies away!
Frodoe: ...Ok.I guess,I'll wait.
Narrator 4: Gandolf rode to the library.
Gandolf's Rectum: All this riding....I can't take it.
Narrator 4: Gandolf arrives at the library.
Gandolf: Damn, you don't know what riding a pony can do to your smurf.
Narrator 4: Nah, I know what your feeling...try to ice your balls a bit.
Gandolf: Where can I find some ice?..
Director: Stop talking to the Narrator.
Narrator 4: Why can't he...(gunshot)
Director: Damn you OJ!
Narrator 5: Gandolf goes into the library to look up the information on the ring.
Gandolf: Man, it's on in one of these books either...Get me one of the big books at the top.
Librarian: Very well...(climbs up ladder)
Librarian: ...Hmm...Ah...Here we are..."The Book On Ancient Rings That Are Created By Evil."
(climbs down ladder and hands Gandolf the book)
Gandolf: Gee, the title's kind of specific isn't it?
Gandolf: Hmm..lets see..(pulls out his bong and opens the book as he reads...)
The Book: Nine rings were created or maybe there were more,who cares..anyways.Here let me sum it up..Evil guy creates ring. Evil guy loses ring. Evil guy kills guy to get ring back. The ring is bad so in order to destroy it you must throw it in the crack of boobs or the volcano it was made from. Bad dude dies..happy ending...O yeah...throw the ring and fire and the jibberish onthe side appears.Oh and it's magic.
Gandolf: That's it? Only a one page book...?
Narrator 5: Gandolf rode back to Bilblo's house to tell Frodoe about the news.
Gandolf: (opens door to Bilblo's house)Is it safe?..Is it secret? Frodoe... FRODOE...son of a smurf isn't even here...
Scene 2
-Carrot-
Narrator 5: After a night of part...wait a second....Scene 2 is "Carrot"?
Director: It shouldn't be...where's the smurfn' screen writer?
Screen Writer: Oh...I thought it would be funny...you know...Carrot...funny?
Director: Ohhhh....ha ha ha ha(click-click) Oh yeah!Your fired!
(Gunshot)
Scene 2
-Frodoe and Samm-
Narrator 5: After a night of partying,Frodoe arrived to his new home,but he was puzzled to find his door was opened.
Frodoe: What the smurf is my door doing open?
Gandolf: Is it safe?Is it secret?
Frodoe: .....?(hic-up)
Gandolf: The ring you retard...
Frodoe: Hey,who are you calling a retard?I happen to be...(mumbles about stupid smurf).. and that was the best cup of Koolaid ever...
Gandolf: I guess I'm going to have to use my "Powers of Wizardry"...
Frodoe: ....?
Gandolf: MU-S-TA-RD!!
Frodoe: Wow, I feel better. What did you do?
Gandolf: Made your pen*s smaller.
Frodoe: Oooo...
Gandolf: Where's the ring?
Frodoe: I kept it in a safe place..
Gandolf: ....
Frodoe: ....
Gandolf: ......
Director: .....
OJ: .....
Gandolf: Where!Damnit!Where!?
Frodoe: It's outside on top of my doorbell!
Gandolf: Why there?
Frodoe: Because my door is always unlocked and it matches the scenery.
Gandolf: You smurfn' retard,get the ring.
Frodoe: (Gets the ring)
Gandolf: Here,read this Book of Ancient Rings Made From Pure Evil.
Frodoe: I...I can't read.
Gandolf: Don't you have Hukt on Fonix?...Nevermind...Here's the cassette version.
(Gives Frodoe the cassette version of Hukt on Fonix)
Frodoe: I thought it was "Crack of Doom",not "Crack of Boobs"..boobs..it find of rolls off your tongue.
Gandolf: Because then it would be copyright..(then there was a noise outside)
Frodoe: boobs...
Gandolf: What was that noise!?(pulls out a gun and hangs it over the window
seal)..Die mother smurfer...(pow)(pow)(pow)(meow)
Townswoman: Flurry!Flurry!My cat!
Gandolf: (reaches into the bushes and pulls out a dead cat)Ohh..What cat?.. (throws cat into the next yard)
Samm: (fart)tee-hee...
Gandolf: Samm, you son of a smurf.What did you hear?
Samm: Something about boobs...and a ring...Don't shrink my body parts!
Gandolf: No...I have thought of a better use for you...he he he..
Samm: Smuuuurf, what?
Gandolf: Your fat right?...Yeah, I can tell. You know the difference between poisonous food,that can kill you in a split second, and edible food that's edible,right?
Samm: Well yeah,but..
Gandolf: Great! Gee,I don't even know the difference.
Frodoe: Well where are you going?
Gandolf: To see my homie at a big building far away..I shall meet you two at Fairy Pony Inn. Reminder..never put the ring on...
Frodoe: Why not?
Gandolf: I wasn't finished,smurfer...because the Dark Agents or "The Nine Evil Darkies From Tha Hood"
Samm: That's not nice..it's not their fault they're black.
Gandolf: Are you callin me a cracker?
Samm: No..
Gandolf: Then shut up.
Narrator 5: So Gandalf rode to his homie in the big building far away.Leaving
Frodoe and Sam with the dangerous ring.
Samm: Man, I'm hungry and my feet are sore..
Frodoe: Samm, We're still in the house!
Samm: So..I'm still hungry.
Narrator 5: So finally,they started their journey to the Fairy Pony Inn but ran into some old friends on the way.
Samm: Well that was the last hoe...we earned 41 gold coins for selling out bodies to those chicks.
Frodoe: Wait a second...Is that Larry and Harry?Those smurfs owe me money.
Harry: Smuuuurf, run!
Narrator 5: But Larry and Harry did not get far. Two feet, then their asses fell to the ground from smoking so much crack.
Frodoe: (Smurf slap)Harry,where's my money!?
Harry: I bought these mushrooms. I can share!
Frodoe: (smokes the magic mushroom)Ohh..the pretty colors..
Samm: ..The WoRlD's In SlOw MoTiOn...
Frodoe: Smuuuurf, someone's coming..put the stuff out!
Larry: Over here,hide!
Samm: What?Smoking mushrooms isn't illegal.
Harry: I know.I don't want to share any though.
Narrator 5: They hide beneath a tree for the mysterious man to pass.He had a bad hunch and a lazy eye. It took him a while but he managed to pass them and out of site.
Larry: Man, did you get a load of that Freak?
Harry: When's the last time that dude got laid?
Samm: Someone's coming!
Narrator 5: A hooded rider tall,black horse rode up to them. A shade of evil followed the dark rider. The four hobbits, not wanting to share their shrooms,lowered to conceal their small bodies behind the tree roots. He got off his horse,knelt down above the cavern-like tree roots as weed began to fall out of the sleeves of his robe. They noticed the weed so they did what anyone else would have done....They jumped that smurf and kicked his black-robed smurf.
Harry: Get his bag-o-weed!
Frodoe: Damn, what a dumb mother smurfer.
Samm: Let's get out of here..
Frodoe: Yeah, we should go.
Larry: Let's ride the Buckle Berry Fairy Ferry.
Samm: Smurf, that's like 5 dollars a person.
Frodoe: Let's go.Samm, we can use the whoring money you earned.
Samm: But that's mine...
Frodoe: Shut up.
Samm: Fine..let's go.
Narrator 5: They walked to the ferry...
Harry: I can't believe we walked all the way to the ferry.
Frodoe: We took 7 steps...now your starting to sound like that wuss, Samm.
Samm: Hey...
Guy That Says "All Aboard": All aboard!
Captain: And we're off!
(Meanwhile back at the big tower far away)
Gandolf: Hello!Anyone home?...Damn the door's locked....well looks like I have to go through the window.(Gets leg over into the window)
Sauronshe Kiki: What the smurf are you doing?
Gandolf: Testing the window...I need some advise.
Sauronshe Kiki: Well come inside..I have to show you my big, black ball.
Narrator 5: Twenty minutes later.
Gandolf: Damn,that was sick....oh what's this?
Sauronshe Kiki: Oh, that's my other black ball.
Gandolf: Hmm..looks kind of evil.
Sauronshe Kiki: So you know already..fine...There is a place for you on the Dark Side..Together we can rule the world.
Gandolf: It just says "Evil" on the bottom...
Sauronshe Kiki: Ohh...
Gandolf: I'll never join the dark side!
Sauronshe Kiki: But I...I am your father..
Gandolf: No...that's impossible!
Sauronshe Kiki: Well your mom was a drunk prostitute named Shagmeh.
Gandolf: Smurf, learn to pay child support!
Sauronshe Kiki: So it's a fight you want?Well prepare for the most ultimate wizard battle ever.
Gandolf: Bring it on, smurf!
Sauronshe Kiki: Super-M-U-S-T-A-R-D!
Narrator 5: Then there was eight more seconds of awesome mage fighting.
Gandolf: Mercy!
Sauronshe Kiki: HA!
Narrator 5: Sauronshe Kiki levitates Gandolf and sends him flying through the roof of the big building far away.
Sauronshe Kiki: Now to find the carrier of the all powerful ring.
(Goblin enters room)
Goblin: Here's your tea, sir. I brought one for Gandolf, too if he decided to join the dark side.
Sauronshe Kiki: I'm afraid that he chose a road of pain (drinks the tea).We need to think about the future. We must build an underground base.
Goblin: Why? The d*m north of us is kind of a hazard problem.
Sauronshe Kiki: Silence!Respect my authority!Go tell the others!
Goblin: Yesss..Massterr!(limps away)
Narrator 5: For three weeks they constructed the underground base.They worked hard and for low wages.Finally,on the third week...they took a break. The base was finally done. Sauronshe Kiki sent out his troops of Goblins and Orcs to get the ring.
(Now back to our heroes)
Samm: Finally, the Fairy Pony Inn...glad to get off the ferry, I was getting sea-sick.
Frodoe: How can you get sea-sick?It was a river...technically you can't get sea-sick
in a river because it's not the sea...dumb*ss.
Harry: Will you two shut the smurf up?
Larry: Amen.
Samm: Anyways, let's knock on the door.
Frodoe: (knocks on the wooden door)
Strange Old Man: Ello!Ello! Who there?
Strange Old Man: Uh, those d*mn kids are always playing pranks on me...
Frodoe: Uh..sir..down here.
Strange Old Man: Oh..Hobbits!...Five Hobbits!
Harry: Uh, there's four of us.
Strange Old Man: Who's in the back there?
Samm: Who me?
Strange Old Man: Ya, you two.
Larry: That's only one Hobbit, sir, he's just really fat.
Samm: Smurf you guys.
Harry: He is so fat, his ass has it's own area code.
Strange Old Man: Well, what be your business?
Frodoe: Our business is our own.
Strange Old Man: D*mn!I was just wondering..No need to yell.
Frodoe: I didn't yell..oh smurf it.
(Door swings open)
Narrator 5: The young Hobbits had finally reached their destination.They slowly walk inside noticing the differences in the Human lifestyle and the lifestyle of Hobbits.They were suprised to find that drinks costed money,where as Hobbits, they did not need to pay with money. They usually just gave the bartender a quick smurf for a few pints.
Frodoe: I don't see Gandolf.
Harry: Excuse me! Bartender!
Bartender: Ay, young Hobbit.
Frodoe: Has Gandolf been here?
Bartender: Hmm..Gandolf..I don't recall that name.What does he look like?
Frodoe: Uh, tall..skinny..white beard..
Samm: He also has a big nose and does secondary magic.
Bartender: Still not sure...
Larry: He has a hat!
Bartender: What color?
Larry: Grey.
Bartender: Does it tilt to the left or right?
Larry: To the right,why?
Bartender: Oh..that Gandolf. He owes me six dollars.
Frodoe: Has he been here?
Bartender: I'm afraid not.Can I help you lads to a drink?On the house,of course.
Harry: H*ll yes.
Bartender: Very well so that's...one...two..three..five Hobbits.So five pints?
Samm: Son of a...
Frodoe: (giggle)(snort)(giggle)
Larry: Yes, five pints is correct.
Bartender: Well here you are...(hands them their drinks)
Samm: Well at least I get two.
Larry: That' because you a lard ass and everyone thinks you are two people.
Samm: Shut up..you...you...not nice person!
Larry: Smurf.
Frodoe: Knock it off you two!
Bartender: Well there's is a children's table back there for you all to sit. It's back there next to the knives and 1/2 off crack store.
Frodoe: Thanks.
Harry: Yes, thank you.
Bartender: Enjoy.
Narrator 5: They make their way to the table and sit down.
Harry: Aww, man. The 1/2 crack store is closed..
Larry: Why is there a children's table at a bar anyways?..
Harry: Hell if I know, that's why I love this country.
Frodoe: Why is that guy looking at me?
Harry: Because he's on the gay side of the bar, duh!
Frodoe: No, not the one with the tight,pink leather outift. The one with the black hood smoking that pipe.
Harry: (Hides his bag-o-weed)Maybe he's in the B.K.A.W.
Samm: What's that?
Harry: Blacks that Kill Albino Whities.
Samm: Oh..I thought it was Burger King Allied with Wendy's.
Larry: Fatass.
Narrator 5: Seeing that Frodoe was scared over the man's obsession over him,he tries to walk over to the phone(A can tied to a string) to call the Cops,but he trips.
Samm: Clumsy *ss.
Harry: HaHaHaHa!!
Larry: (spits out his drink all over Samm)Hahahaha!
Narrator 5: Frodoe gets back up but trips again...what a clumsy *ss mother smurfer..and the ring falls onto his finger as he tried to catch it.Suddenly, he disappears and is in a world of shadow and everyone is in slow motion.
Frodoe: Samm....Harry....Jerry....Sweet,slow motion. This is better than when we had those mushrooms.
(A giant eye of fire appears)
Giant Eye of Fire: The ring...
Frodoe: What about the ring?
Giant Eye of Fire: I want the RING!
Frodoe: Fine, here.
(Frodoe pulls off the ring ,returning to his normal world)
Frodoe: What the...where did the Giant Eye of Fire go?
Harry: What Giant Eye of Fire?
Frodoe: The one that was...oh..nevermind..
Samm: Crazy *ss panzy.
Frodoe: I'm going to the hotel upstairs..(runs upstairs)
Larry: What was wrong with him?
Narrator 5: Frodoe swings the door to his room open and walks into his room.
Frodoe: What the...
Dude With The Black Hood From The Bar: No one disappears like that unless they are friends with Gandolf the Grey.
Frodoe: How do you know Gandolf?
Dude With The Black Hood From The Bar: I was hired by Gandolf to protect you. You can call me Errogon.
Narrator 5: Just then Samm, Harry, and Larry barge through the door.
Samm: Let him go you swine!
Larry: Hahaha. That's funny coming from your mouth.
Errogon: You are brave but a stick and a lump of bread will not save you.
Samm: Well...we were in a hurry.
Narrator 5: They all laugh together.
Errogon: Well, that was pretty smurf.
Samm: Yeah, I guess I was...
Scene Three
-Is Samm Gay?-
Samm: No.
This is the story my brother, Rechard204, made along time ago. He hasn't added on to in in about two years, nor has he corrected any errors. This, like Eragon *Revised* is meant more those who bot love LOTRs and has a good sense of humor. Personally and honestly I think this is alot better (way funnier) than mine.
It may be long but, agian, it's worth the read.
Also The reason why Rechard204 isn't posting this and I am is because he is unable to access a computer and, instead, was eager enough to let me go ahead and get it on the board.
"Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of Seven People"
Narrator 1: - Cheap dramatic music-...One ring to rule them all...one ring to find.
..one ring to pull them into darkness, then to bind them.-music fades-
Narrator 2: Man that was good. How'd you comprehend that masterpiece? You
Never even passed the 10th grade.
Narrator 1: It's on the case of the Fellowship of the Ring movie.
Narrator 2: Ohhh...your still retarded
Loud Voice Narrator 0: The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of Seven People!
Narrator 2: What the smurf.Where'd you come from?
Narrator 1: He's in every movie..
Narrator 2: ......?
Narrator 1: You know, the big loud voice that says the titles of movies.
Narrator 2: Okay, How did a dumb smurf like you get to be #1 narrator?
Narrator 1: Shhhh....the movie's starting.
Scene One
-Bilbos Birthday-
Narrator 1: Today the people of Bilblo's village are throwing him a surprise birthday party.
Narrator 2: Oh um..Bilblo's friend,Gandolf, is to come to the celebr..celebrat..I mean um..
has come to the party to um...smurf it. These words are too small on the script. Man, this
director sucks.
Narrator 1: Man don't say things like that.
Narrator 2: Why should we fear the director? I mean, we have nothing to hide. Why should
he?
Narrator 1: Shhhhh!
Narrator 2: What? It’s not like he's going to kill us or something, I mean....hey,what's with
the gas?
Narrator 1: That's funny...the doors are locked too.
Narrator 2: Oh smurf...
Scene One-
-Bilblo's Birthday-
Narrator 4: Hi...It's Bilblo's birthday...and yes, we skipped a narrator.
Townspeople: Surprise Bilblo! Happy Birthday! or Birthyear..It really doesn't matter.
Bilblo: ..Wow, how'd I do it?One hundred and nine years of this.
Frodoe: One Hundred and Eleven...
Bilblo: Huh..?
Frodoe: One hundred..
Bilblo: What!
Frodoe: ...Happy Birthday,Bilblo!
Bilblo: Hmm..it's 5 o'clock..
Townspeople: Speech!Speech!Make a speech Bilblo!
Adam Sandler: You can do it!
Rob Schneider: Hey,that's my phrase,smurf.
Adam Sandler: O' yeah...
Bilblo: Well gee, if Adam Sandler wants me to..well,ah, I'd like to thank those that believed
I could live this long...(PoP!)...What the...
Townsman: Oh, it's just OJ opening up some wine.
Bilblo: Who invited him anyways?..Let me rap this up....to my brothers out there and word
to Jesus my dawg. (Townspeople clap)
Jesus: That's how I raised him...
Bilblo: And ehh..(digs in his pocket)
Gandolf: Hey, it's Jay Leno with his new joke book!
Bilblo: ...Well I better get going...(slips ring on and disappears)
Townspeople: (Gasp)Where did he go!?
Jay Leno: Why did the toaster cross the road?
Townspeople: .......
Jay Leno: Because it's a frickin toaster...because it's a....(gunshot)
Townspeople: Yay! Break out the fruit roll ups!
Narrator 4: Meanwhile, Bilblo sneaks off to his house to pack.
Bilblo: (shuts door)Gee, glad to get out of there.I can't stand /jay Leno and his corny jokes...
Gandolf: Bilblo...
Bilblo: Huh..
Gandolf: Bilblo, what kind of ring is that?
Bilblo: It's mine...My Precious...
Gandolf: Precious?...It's been called that before....Bilblo your smurfn' crazy...
Bilblo: Am I Gandolf?Or am I the only man that listens to White Snake's Greatest Hits.
Gandolf: (slap)Get ahold of yourself,man,you don't mean that!
Bilblo: I'm sorry I don't know what I was talking about. Oh yeah..(slap)That's for hitting
me.
Gandolf: Son of a smurf!(punch)
Bilblo: (picks up an iron poker and swings it at Gandolf's jaw)
Gandolf: (Slams into a wall.Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Mac 10)Now back up smurf before I bust a cap in your hobbit smurf.
Bilblo: I'm sorry..its just..I'm leaving Gandolf.
Gandolf: What about all your crap...I mean stuff.
Bilblo: Leave it to Bobby.
Gandolf: He died at the Christmas party last year.
Bilblo: Was it a happy death?
Gandolf: He fell in a pepper cauldron and sneezed to death.
Bilblo: Fine, then I'll pick one of my lovely nephews.Pick a number one through two
hundred and sixty-three.
Gandolf: Ninety-nine.
Bilblo: Who's that?
Gandolf: He's that retarded,gay kid with one leg that wants to be a dancer.
Bilblo: Someone else..
Gandolf: Frodoe
Bilblo: Fine,him..
Gandolf: What about the ring,Bilblo?
Bilblo: Umm..
Bilblo's Conscience 1: You don't need it.
Bilblo: I know.
Bilblo's Conscience 2: Dude you've got to be smurfn' crazy.That has got to be twenty carrots of gold.
Bilblo: Yay!...but...
Bilblo's Conscience 1: Do what your heart tells you..
Bilblo's Heart: Smuuuuurf, Conscience 2 is right,twenty carrots I mean come on!
Bilblo's rectum: Bilblo you have to poop.
Gandolf: Bilblo, are you going to drop it or what?
Bilblo: Fine..(Bilblo drops the ring) I'll be going now.(Door shuts)
Gandolf: Man, I never thought he'd drop that ring...what a dumbsmurf.
Gandolf: (reaches for the ring and feels a sense of him being unsure) You know, I'm really unsure...
Narrator 4: So with that, Gandolf sat at a desk thinking of the reason why he stopped going for the ring.Man, if it was me I would have grabbed that smurf and ran.It must have been old age or something...
Frodoe: (Opens door) Bilblo!(Looks around room and finds Gandolf)Gandolf,what are you doing here?
Gandolf: I'm in the smurfn' back.
Frodoe: I meant to say, Where is Bilblo?
Gandolf: He's gone.He left you bag-end.It's all yours now.
Frodoe: What's a bag-end?
Gandolf: How the smurf am I suppose to know,I just read the script.
Frodoe: Oh..ok.
Gandolf: Smurf, it's like dealing with a dumbsmurf.
Gandolf: Here put it in this envelope and I'll stamp it for no reason.
Frodoe: Why can't I just hold it?
Gandolf: Just put it in the damn envelope. Smuuuurf, you ask too many questions.I should have picked Johnny.(Frodoe puts the ring in the envelope) Keep it safe. Keep it secret.
Frodoe: Where are you going?
Gandolf: To the smurfn' library far, far away to the north. So far that it's farther than far a name its puppies. So it's puppies away!
Director: Sorry, didn't get that.
Gandolf: Son of a smurf, smurf it.You say it, I sure as hell ain't.
Director dressed as Gandolf: To the smurfn' library far, far away to the north.It's farther than far so I'll give farther than far a name...I'll name it Puppies. So it's Puppies away!
Frodoe: ...Ok.I guess,I'll wait.
Narrator 4: Gandolf rode to the library.
Gandolf's Rectum: All this riding....I can't take it.
Narrator 4: Gandolf arrives at the library.
Gandolf: Damn, you don't know what riding a pony can do to your smurf.
Narrator 4: Nah, I know what your feeling...try to ice your balls a bit.
Gandolf: Where can I find some ice?..
Director: Stop talking to the Narrator.
Narrator 4: Why can't he...(gunshot)
Director: Damn you OJ!
Narrator 5: Gandolf goes into the library to look up the information on the ring.
Gandolf: Man, it's on in one of these books either...Get me one of the big books at the top.
Librarian: Very well...(climbs up ladder)
Librarian: ...Hmm...Ah...Here we are..."The Book On Ancient Rings That Are Created By Evil."
(climbs down ladder and hands Gandolf the book)
Gandolf: Gee, the title's kind of specific isn't it?
Gandolf: Hmm..lets see..(pulls out his bong and opens the book as he reads...)
The Book: Nine rings were created or maybe there were more,who cares..anyways.Here let me sum it up..Evil guy creates ring. Evil guy loses ring. Evil guy kills guy to get ring back. The ring is bad so in order to destroy it you must throw it in the crack of boobs or the volcano it was made from. Bad dude dies..happy ending...O yeah...throw the ring and fire and the jibberish onthe side appears.Oh and it's magic.
Gandolf: That's it? Only a one page book...?
Narrator 5: Gandolf rode back to Bilblo's house to tell Frodoe about the news.
Gandolf: (opens door to Bilblo's house)Is it safe?..Is it secret? Frodoe... FRODOE...son of a smurf isn't even here...
Scene 2
-Carrot-
Narrator 5: After a night of part...wait a second....Scene 2 is "Carrot"?
Director: It shouldn't be...where's the smurfn' screen writer?
Screen Writer: Oh...I thought it would be funny...you know...Carrot...funny?
Director: Ohhhh....ha ha ha ha(click-click) Oh yeah!Your fired!
(Gunshot)
Scene 2
-Frodoe and Samm-
Narrator 5: After a night of partying,Frodoe arrived to his new home,but he was puzzled to find his door was opened.
Frodoe: What the smurf is my door doing open?
Gandolf: Is it safe?Is it secret?
Frodoe: .....?(hic-up)
Gandolf: The ring you retard...
Frodoe: Hey,who are you calling a retard?I happen to be...(mumbles about stupid smurf).. and that was the best cup of Koolaid ever...
Gandolf: I guess I'm going to have to use my "Powers of Wizardry"...
Frodoe: ....?
Gandolf: MU-S-TA-RD!!
Frodoe: Wow, I feel better. What did you do?
Gandolf: Made your pen*s smaller.
Frodoe: Oooo...
Gandolf: Where's the ring?
Frodoe: I kept it in a safe place..
Gandolf: ....
Frodoe: ....
Gandolf: ......
Director: .....
OJ: .....
Gandolf: Where!Damnit!Where!?
Frodoe: It's outside on top of my doorbell!
Gandolf: Why there?
Frodoe: Because my door is always unlocked and it matches the scenery.
Gandolf: You smurfn' retard,get the ring.
Frodoe: (Gets the ring)
Gandolf: Here,read this Book of Ancient Rings Made From Pure Evil.
Frodoe: I...I can't read.
Gandolf: Don't you have Hukt on Fonix?...Nevermind...Here's the cassette version.
(Gives Frodoe the cassette version of Hukt on Fonix)
Frodoe: I thought it was "Crack of Doom",not "Crack of Boobs"..boobs..it find of rolls off your tongue.
Gandolf: Because then it would be copyright..(then there was a noise outside)
Frodoe: boobs...
Gandolf: What was that noise!?(pulls out a gun and hangs it over the window
seal)..Die mother smurfer...(pow)(pow)(pow)(meow)
Townswoman: Flurry!Flurry!My cat!
Gandolf: (reaches into the bushes and pulls out a dead cat)Ohh..What cat?.. (throws cat into the next yard)
Samm: (fart)tee-hee...
Gandolf: Samm, you son of a smurf.What did you hear?
Samm: Something about boobs...and a ring...Don't shrink my body parts!
Gandolf: No...I have thought of a better use for you...he he he..
Samm: Smuuuurf, what?
Gandolf: Your fat right?...Yeah, I can tell. You know the difference between poisonous food,that can kill you in a split second, and edible food that's edible,right?
Samm: Well yeah,but..
Gandolf: Great! Gee,I don't even know the difference.
Frodoe: Well where are you going?
Gandolf: To see my homie at a big building far away..I shall meet you two at Fairy Pony Inn. Reminder..never put the ring on...
Frodoe: Why not?
Gandolf: I wasn't finished,smurfer...because the Dark Agents or "The Nine Evil Darkies From Tha Hood"
Samm: That's not nice..it's not their fault they're black.
Gandolf: Are you callin me a cracker?
Samm: No..
Gandolf: Then shut up.
Narrator 5: So Gandalf rode to his homie in the big building far away.Leaving
Frodoe and Sam with the dangerous ring.
Samm: Man, I'm hungry and my feet are sore..
Frodoe: Samm, We're still in the house!
Samm: So..I'm still hungry.
Narrator 5: So finally,they started their journey to the Fairy Pony Inn but ran into some old friends on the way.
Samm: Well that was the last hoe...we earned 41 gold coins for selling out bodies to those chicks.
Frodoe: Wait a second...Is that Larry and Harry?Those smurfs owe me money.
Harry: Smuuuurf, run!
Narrator 5: But Larry and Harry did not get far. Two feet, then their asses fell to the ground from smoking so much crack.
Frodoe: (Smurf slap)Harry,where's my money!?
Harry: I bought these mushrooms. I can share!
Frodoe: (smokes the magic mushroom)Ohh..the pretty colors..
Samm: ..The WoRlD's In SlOw MoTiOn...
Frodoe: Smuuuurf, someone's coming..put the stuff out!
Larry: Over here,hide!
Samm: What?Smoking mushrooms isn't illegal.
Harry: I know.I don't want to share any though.
Narrator 5: They hide beneath a tree for the mysterious man to pass.He had a bad hunch and a lazy eye. It took him a while but he managed to pass them and out of site.
Larry: Man, did you get a load of that Freak?
Harry: When's the last time that dude got laid?
Samm: Someone's coming!
Narrator 5: A hooded rider tall,black horse rode up to them. A shade of evil followed the dark rider. The four hobbits, not wanting to share their shrooms,lowered to conceal their small bodies behind the tree roots. He got off his horse,knelt down above the cavern-like tree roots as weed began to fall out of the sleeves of his robe. They noticed the weed so they did what anyone else would have done....They jumped that smurf and kicked his black-robed smurf.
Harry: Get his bag-o-weed!
Frodoe: Damn, what a dumb mother smurfer.
Samm: Let's get out of here..
Frodoe: Yeah, we should go.
Larry: Let's ride the Buckle Berry Fairy Ferry.
Samm: Smurf, that's like 5 dollars a person.
Frodoe: Let's go.Samm, we can use the whoring money you earned.
Samm: But that's mine...
Frodoe: Shut up.
Samm: Fine..let's go.
Narrator 5: They walked to the ferry...
Harry: I can't believe we walked all the way to the ferry.
Frodoe: We took 7 steps...now your starting to sound like that wuss, Samm.
Samm: Hey...
Guy That Says "All Aboard": All aboard!
Captain: And we're off!
(Meanwhile back at the big tower far away)
Gandolf: Hello!Anyone home?...Damn the door's locked....well looks like I have to go through the window.(Gets leg over into the window)
Sauronshe Kiki: What the smurf are you doing?
Gandolf: Testing the window...I need some advise.
Sauronshe Kiki: Well come inside..I have to show you my big, black ball.
Narrator 5: Twenty minutes later.
Gandolf: Damn,that was sick....oh what's this?
Sauronshe Kiki: Oh, that's my other black ball.
Gandolf: Hmm..looks kind of evil.
Sauronshe Kiki: So you know already..fine...There is a place for you on the Dark Side..Together we can rule the world.
Gandolf: It just says "Evil" on the bottom...
Sauronshe Kiki: Ohh...
Gandolf: I'll never join the dark side!
Sauronshe Kiki: But I...I am your father..
Gandolf: No...that's impossible!
Sauronshe Kiki: Well your mom was a drunk prostitute named Shagmeh.
Gandolf: Smurf, learn to pay child support!
Sauronshe Kiki: So it's a fight you want?Well prepare for the most ultimate wizard battle ever.
Gandolf: Bring it on, smurf!
Sauronshe Kiki: Super-M-U-S-T-A-R-D!
Narrator 5: Then there was eight more seconds of awesome mage fighting.
Gandolf: Mercy!
Sauronshe Kiki: HA!
Narrator 5: Sauronshe Kiki levitates Gandolf and sends him flying through the roof of the big building far away.
Sauronshe Kiki: Now to find the carrier of the all powerful ring.
(Goblin enters room)
Goblin: Here's your tea, sir. I brought one for Gandolf, too if he decided to join the dark side.
Sauronshe Kiki: I'm afraid that he chose a road of pain (drinks the tea).We need to think about the future. We must build an underground base.
Goblin: Why? The d*m north of us is kind of a hazard problem.
Sauronshe Kiki: Silence!Respect my authority!Go tell the others!
Goblin: Yesss..Massterr!(limps away)
Narrator 5: For three weeks they constructed the underground base.They worked hard and for low wages.Finally,on the third week...they took a break. The base was finally done. Sauronshe Kiki sent out his troops of Goblins and Orcs to get the ring.
(Now back to our heroes)
Samm: Finally, the Fairy Pony Inn...glad to get off the ferry, I was getting sea-sick.
Frodoe: How can you get sea-sick?It was a river...technically you can't get sea-sick
in a river because it's not the sea...dumb*ss.
Harry: Will you two shut the smurf up?
Larry: Amen.
Samm: Anyways, let's knock on the door.
Frodoe: (knocks on the wooden door)
Strange Old Man: Ello!Ello! Who there?
Strange Old Man: Uh, those d*mn kids are always playing pranks on me...
Frodoe: Uh..sir..down here.
Strange Old Man: Oh..Hobbits!...Five Hobbits!
Harry: Uh, there's four of us.
Strange Old Man: Who's in the back there?
Samm: Who me?
Strange Old Man: Ya, you two.
Larry: That's only one Hobbit, sir, he's just really fat.
Samm: Smurf you guys.
Harry: He is so fat, his ass has it's own area code.
Strange Old Man: Well, what be your business?
Frodoe: Our business is our own.
Strange Old Man: D*mn!I was just wondering..No need to yell.
Frodoe: I didn't yell..oh smurf it.
(Door swings open)
Narrator 5: The young Hobbits had finally reached their destination.They slowly walk inside noticing the differences in the Human lifestyle and the lifestyle of Hobbits.They were suprised to find that drinks costed money,where as Hobbits, they did not need to pay with money. They usually just gave the bartender a quick smurf for a few pints.
Frodoe: I don't see Gandolf.
Harry: Excuse me! Bartender!
Bartender: Ay, young Hobbit.
Frodoe: Has Gandolf been here?
Bartender: Hmm..Gandolf..I don't recall that name.What does he look like?
Frodoe: Uh, tall..skinny..white beard..
Samm: He also has a big nose and does secondary magic.
Bartender: Still not sure...
Larry: He has a hat!
Bartender: What color?
Larry: Grey.
Bartender: Does it tilt to the left or right?
Larry: To the right,why?
Bartender: Oh..that Gandolf. He owes me six dollars.
Frodoe: Has he been here?
Bartender: I'm afraid not.Can I help you lads to a drink?On the house,of course.
Harry: H*ll yes.
Bartender: Very well so that's...one...two..three..five Hobbits.So five pints?
Samm: Son of a...
Frodoe: (giggle)(snort)(giggle)
Larry: Yes, five pints is correct.
Bartender: Well here you are...(hands them their drinks)
Samm: Well at least I get two.
Larry: That' because you a lard ass and everyone thinks you are two people.
Samm: Shut up..you...you...not nice person!
Larry: Smurf.
Frodoe: Knock it off you two!
Bartender: Well there's is a children's table back there for you all to sit. It's back there next to the knives and 1/2 off crack store.
Frodoe: Thanks.
Harry: Yes, thank you.
Bartender: Enjoy.
Narrator 5: They make their way to the table and sit down.
Harry: Aww, man. The 1/2 crack store is closed..
Larry: Why is there a children's table at a bar anyways?..
Harry: Hell if I know, that's why I love this country.
Frodoe: Why is that guy looking at me?
Harry: Because he's on the gay side of the bar, duh!
Frodoe: No, not the one with the tight,pink leather outift. The one with the black hood smoking that pipe.
Harry: (Hides his bag-o-weed)Maybe he's in the B.K.A.W.
Samm: What's that?
Harry: Blacks that Kill Albino Whities.
Samm: Oh..I thought it was Burger King Allied with Wendy's.
Larry: Fatass.
Narrator 5: Seeing that Frodoe was scared over the man's obsession over him,he tries to walk over to the phone(A can tied to a string) to call the Cops,but he trips.
Samm: Clumsy *ss.
Harry: HaHaHaHa!!
Larry: (spits out his drink all over Samm)Hahahaha!
Narrator 5: Frodoe gets back up but trips again...what a clumsy *ss mother smurfer..and the ring falls onto his finger as he tried to catch it.Suddenly, he disappears and is in a world of shadow and everyone is in slow motion.
Frodoe: Samm....Harry....Jerry....Sweet,slow motion. This is better than when we had those mushrooms.
(A giant eye of fire appears)
Giant Eye of Fire: The ring...
Frodoe: What about the ring?
Giant Eye of Fire: I want the RING!
Frodoe: Fine, here.
(Frodoe pulls off the ring ,returning to his normal world)
Frodoe: What the...where did the Giant Eye of Fire go?
Harry: What Giant Eye of Fire?
Frodoe: The one that was...oh..nevermind..
Samm: Crazy *ss panzy.
Frodoe: I'm going to the hotel upstairs..(runs upstairs)
Larry: What was wrong with him?
Narrator 5: Frodoe swings the door to his room open and walks into his room.
Frodoe: What the...
Dude With The Black Hood From The Bar: No one disappears like that unless they are friends with Gandolf the Grey.
Frodoe: How do you know Gandolf?
Dude With The Black Hood From The Bar: I was hired by Gandolf to protect you. You can call me Errogon.
Narrator 5: Just then Samm, Harry, and Larry barge through the door.
Samm: Let him go you swine!
Larry: Hahaha. That's funny coming from your mouth.
Errogon: You are brave but a stick and a lump of bread will not save you.
Samm: Well...we were in a hurry.
Narrator 5: They all laugh together.
Errogon: Well, that was pretty smurf.
Samm: Yeah, I guess I was...
Scene Three
-Is Samm Gay?-
Samm: No.