Am having social issues

[Teeka]

Basically, I have no social life in real life. My last friend who I talk to in person rather than over the phone or internet back stabbed me in a most remarkable way (this happened over a month ago and I am still crying over it just about daily - that's how bad it was). So now, other than the internet I am totally alone, and for me the internet just isn't cutting it anymore, I want to hang out with people on the weekends, or after work or something. Basically I want to meet people face to face and hang out.

Some background information will be important I guess. Because of the nature of the area I live in (Sag Harbor, New York - if any one reading this is a local they'll know exactly what I'm talking about, and if you are a local, please reply with a way for us to get in touch), meeting people is hard. There are like no people in my age group around (can't afford to live here and there's so little to do that once people start going to college they never return - I am one of the unlucky few going to a local college), all the activities are either for tourists (I lack the money to participate in these), for older people (as in old enough to be my grandparents), or by invite only (I lack the friends to get invited).

I have tried some of the websites out there that are aimed at gamers looking for people to play with, but found that all of the closest gamers registered on those sites require a boat trip to get to unless I want to drive a much greater distance than I am comfortable driving.

So I guess I just want to know how to meet people, or if any of you live near me (I know that's not likely, but at this point anything feels worth trying). I don't even care if the people I meet aren't gamers, I just want to hang out with people so that I won't keep going for stretches lasting a day or more where I don't talk to anyone at all.

[Prowl]

A few suggestions to try...

- make some friends among your classmates at college
- consider hanging out with some people older than you normally do, some of 'em actually know something
- get involved in some sort of community/volunteer activity
- visit old people in nursing homes, especially those whose own families don't, and your own situation will probably look pretty promising in comparison


good luck!

[valadil]

You say you're going to a local college. Surely it has clubs you can sign up for?

If you can't find a gaming group to sign up for, have you considered starting your own? Maybe some like minded individuals will come join you. You can't always rely on joining an established group - sometimes you have to start one on your own.

[Thanatos 51-50]

You can try the Bor Method. (tm)
Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white twoards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

[Rutskarn]

For meeting new gamers, the best thing to do is read one of the books very conspicuously in a public area--preferably one, like a college, where you have an excuse to see anyone you meet again.

Trust me, if someone else is a gamer, the first thing they'll do is make a beeline towards you and gab your ear off about their characters. If they're not, but they find the book interesting, they'll ask about it. You can tell them about D&D, and if they're interested, you might get them to game with you--especially if they're fellow students/baristas/freemasons and see you as anything but a total stranger who might gut them and use them as a hammock for their 532 pet cats.

[Mr. Mud]

You can try the Bor Method. (tm)
Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white twoards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

And the best idea of the week award goes to... Thanatos! I'm sure it will rest happily on the shelves amongst the others :smallwink:.

[Thanatos 51-50]

And the best idea of the week award goes to... Thanatos! I'm sure it will rest happily on the shelves amongst the others :smallwink:.

Really, It's Bor's Idea. I accept this award in his honour.

[Teeka]

Two problems with the chess idea:

one, I don't know how to play chess and since it takes two players, I doubt that I will be able to learn until I find a friend.

two, anyone who would be in a Starbucks around here would be a tourist and have no interest in a local like me except to possibly try and find out if I am someone important or related to someone famous (I am neither, so I will not hold the interest of a tourist for long). That and the nearest Starbucks is to far from where I live to walk to and impossible to get parking near in the summer (I would spend three quarters of an hour getting there, another half hour looking for parking and would be lucky to get a table long enough to have a small whatever they serve there before I would be told to leave to make room at the table for other customers).

As for the school gaming club, I have tried to get into several of them, and was told by the members not to bother. The meetings were either when I had classes or at timed designed to be unfriendly for people with jobs or living off campus (basically if I quit my job I could go to gaming club meetings, but then I would not be making money to pay for college). Most of the people going to the college I attend are using it as a stepping stone to get into a different school and have no use for their fellow students, or for some reason don't understand the concept of a student no longer in their teens and working to make money to pay for school, as soon as they learn that I am working and will not be available any night with less than a moment's notice, I am told not to bother looking to game with them.

Where I live gamers are very 'clicky' and tend to turn on their own if given a chance (my former friend is the leader of the nearest gaming group, and through him I am now unable to seek out the other members of the group either - they generally lack anything that might be considered kindness or sympathy). Because of my former friend and his lot, I am now kind of afraid of gamers, mostly because the gamers at the college I go to seem just like them.

I've even tried the whole 'reading gaming books in public places' routine and have had no luck. Maybe one or two people looked my way or asked what I was doing, but no one who noticed had time or interest to game.

Really, most people in my town are still in grade school or twice my age at least, if they are still living here. This is a dead town, but because of my situation I cannot leave it until I finish school and work for a while to get the money I need to go elsewhere, otherwise, if I move now I might not be able to finish college.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Two problems with the chess idea:

one, I don't know how to play chess and since it takes two players, I doubt that I will be able to learn until I find a friend.

two, anyone who would be in a Starbucks around here would be a tourist and have no interest in a local like me except to possibly try and find out if I am someone important or related to someone famous (I am neither, so I will not hold the interest of a tourist for long). That and the nearest Starbucks is to far from where I live to walk to and impossible to get parking near in the summer (I would spend three quarters of an hour getting there, another half hour looking for parking and would be lucky to get a table long enough to have a small whatever they serve there before I would be told to leave to make room at the table for other customers).

Modifications:
1) Use Checkers.
2) Subsiture with local coffee establishment/place where people may or may not hang out and do nothing in partcular.

[The Extinguisher]

You can try the Bor Method. (tm)
Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white twoards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

I must try this. For science.

[MethosH]

You can try the Bor Method. (tm)
Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white twoards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

Holly muffin made of crap with roses on top! Thats the best idea I heard today! I'm so going to do that before the week is over! *Goes find the chessboard*

Ok... So what I do is that... I talk to every-freaking-body.... On the bus.. On the street... On class... On college... On work.. On partys... Life is 2 short to live it in silence.

[Crispy Dave]

You can try the Bor Method. (tm)
Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white twoards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

I am so doing that.


On the subject. Head down to a game store or something and see if there are any ad's for gaming groups. Also check the craigslist forums for similar ad's.

[Xyk]

You can try the Bor Method. (tm)
Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white twoards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

I love it. But to answer the OP, you say you work and are in college. As stated earlier, colleges generally have many clubs, and most work places have coworkers. These are great starts for making new friends. Ask a coworker out for a beer/mini golf game or maybe a few kids who sit near you in class.

[Tiger Duck]

Walk into a Starbucks with a chessboard. Buy a coffee, and sit down.
Set up the board, white towards you, and make the opening move.
Then wait.
Eventually, somebody may just walk up and move a black piece.

That is so amazing I'm so going to do that the next time I leave my house.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Captain Happy:
Thank you for crediting the correct person. You get a gold star and have suddenly become "Playgrounder +" grade of awesome in my book.

[Myatar_Panwar]

As others have said, you are going to a college. There are people your age attending said college, no?

Talk to these people. You've already said that the gamers there are pricks and that you don't care if you are talking to non-gamers. Problem solved.

Alternative: Talk to prick gamers. Ask if they know anybody else who is running games on a more casual level. They might.

[thubby]

like it's been said, get involved with your classmates.

a very simple way is to organize a study group or the like. if your school is like mine you can send emails to all your classmates.
something simple like "we'll be meeting at (location) at (time) on (day), stop by if interested"

if no one shows you, you haven't lost anything. if people do, then you automatically have something to talk about :smallamused:

[Tiger Duck]

Captain Happy:
Thank you for crediting the correct person. You get a gold star and have suddenly become "Playgrounder +" grade of awesome in my book.

I aim to please:smallsmile:

[Jack Squat]

How about making friends at work? That's where most of my current crop is from.

[Don Julio Anejo]

I'll probably come off as mean, but I find it weird that people turn you down. In mine (and most people I know) experience, most random people are very nice if you talk to them.

Is there something with you in particular that could make them dislike you right off the bat? E.g. weird appearance (like that wolf dude from The Hangover or just bad personal hygiene), a different social class if it's one of "those" schools, Asperger's syndrome or just general "not very niceness" like telling people what they're doing is wrong?

Also, what about work? What do you do? For a lot of student-friendly jobs it's possible to make tons of friends there as often they're around your age and well, you can always talk to them at work. Most friends I've made in recent years are from work, not school...
EDIT: ninja'd by Jack.

[Tiger Duck]

I don't think you can call it getting ninja'd if there is 5:16 between posts :smallbiggrin:

[Mr. Mud]

I actually did the Chess board thing today. Worked a lot better than I thought it would... A kind looking lady sat down and started to play... soon a few people were watching... I have a girlfriend and a multitude of friends, but it was kind of cool meeting like 10 new people off the bat, using jedi Bor Mind Tricks :smallwink:

Captain Happy:
Thank you for crediting the correct person. You get a gold star and have suddenly become "Playgrounder +" grade of awesome in my book.

*takes said book*
Hey! Why isn't there a plus next to my name :smallwink:.

[Don Julio Anejo]

I don't think you can call it getting ninja'd if there is 5:16 between posts :smallbiggrin:
I scanned the posts too quickly to actually read what was in them :amused:

[Lappy9000]

For meeting new gamers, the best thing to do is read one of the books very conspicuously in a public area--preferably one, like a college, where you have an excuse to see anyone you meet again.

Trust me, if someone else is a gamer, the first thing they'll do is make a beeline towards you and gab your ear off about their characters. If they're not, but they find the book interesting, they'll ask about it. You can tell them about D&D, and if they're interested, you might get them to game with you--especially if they're fellow students/baristas/freemasons and see you as anything but a total stranger who might gut them and use them as a hammock for their 532 pet cats.This sounds like a wonderful idea. Trust me, even in the clickiest of social groups, there's a couple of people who likely want nothing to do with the whole social thing; they just want to participate in the hobby they love.

Alternatively, you could stat up a dungeon publically, get all the necessary books and bring them to your public working space, and start drawing/statting stuff up on notepad, etc.

(Also, I'm gonna try that chess thing for kicks now)

[Kcalehc]

I moved from the UK to the states 2ish years ago to finish my degree. So found myself without any friends locally to hang out with.

The best place to meet people turned out to be the campus library. People doing the same courses were there, and its easy to use a "how are you doing this?" kind of question about homework/coursework to start a conversation. You can see what people are reading (finding like minded people); and you can read things that others may notice and find interesting. Different book sections also attract different people, find the books you like, and possibly people that also like those books.

Finally, the most important thing to making friends is to not try to make friends. Don't go out of your way to befriend someone, or you'll come across desperate. Just be yourself, and if they like you they'll become your friend naturally.

[valadil]

As for the school gaming club, I have tried to get into several of them, and was told by the members not to bother. The meetings were either when I had classes or at timed designed to be unfriendly for people with jobs or living off campus (basically if I quit my job I could go to gaming club meetings, but then I would not be making money to pay for college).


Do they do any gaming outside of the meetings? I went to my school's gaming club religiously throughout freshman year. After that I couldn't be bothered because I was in plenty of RPG groups. I'm not advocating quitting your job, but if you went there once or twice you could hypothetically* find people who need another player or GM.

* This holds true in normal college settings. Your situation definitely sounds atypical.

[Teeka]

The college campus I go to is, how shall we say, new and very, very small (classes only occupying two buildings which are both more than half empty and the the dorm buildings are mostly empty - I want to say that we have under four hundred students and half of them commute). Our library is about ten shelves of books, three desks upon which to do work and four computers. No one hangs out there unless they are trying to finish a project for one of the architecture or art related classes.

I live in a very strange place, I know. It's a tourist trap, not really meant for locals anymore. All of the places where locals once hung out are pretty much gone and I lack the money or connections to go to where the tourists go.

And I am sure that the chess/checkers idea would work wonders elsewhere, but there are no places where I could set up and wait for people to come by. I spent the full day trying to come up with places where I might go and nothing would work. There are no places with benches or chairs and the local library is out of the question (the gaming group my former friend leads frequents the library, one of them even works there and I am trying to avoid them at all costs - I really don't want to deal with them since they are likely to band together against me).

Also, going to the nearest game store is out of the question, it is over an hour away and requires driving down some stretches of road I would rather not go down.

Work actually keeps me totally isolated - I work in a local grocery store and my job (stocking shelves) and schedule (night shift) keeps me away from my coworkers. I've been trying at work, but the other people on the night shift really don't have anything in common with me and none of our interests or opinions line up enough for there to be anything for us to talk about.

As for why I fail at making friends, I really have no clue why people don't seem to like me. I know I am socially inept, but that might come from the fact that I was tortured by my peers and teachers since grade school. I was never properly socialized, and I am starting to feel that it might be too late for me. I know it's my fault, but I really don't know what it is about me or what to do to fix it. I have been going to a doctor about my social issues, but she tends to agree with me that it is the situation where I live that is causing problems more so than any actual disorder that I might have.

Sorry I am so pathetic, but I am getting desperate.

[Thanatos 51-50]

You're cutting off your own options. If you want to hang out at the library - unless your "former friends" are likely to shoot/stab/maim/rape or otherwise cause you severe physical and/or emotional harm, do so, and pay that possibility no mind.
Likewise, unless the chances of carjacking/shooting, et cetera, et cetera are amazingly high, what's your problem with travelling down a particular streach of road.

[Myatar_Panwar]

Sorry I am so pathetic, but I am getting desperate.

If you are so desperate, then you should probably just count your losses and move elsewhere when the chance comes up.

[Teeka]

My former friends are likely to cause me severe emotional harm. The leader of the group treated me like total trash - he was like an abusive boyfriend even though I always had to listen to him talk about how wonderful other girls were and how uninteresting I was as a woman. The others in the group think that I was being petty for saying that I was through with him after what he did to me most recently (ignored me for a full week so that he might arrange to do something with three other girls out in the middle of the woods, interesting girls might I add, so why he chose to hide from me to do this should be pretty obvious, uninteresting as I am).

Basically I am a rather badly treated girl looking to try and start new and terrified because I have never had a positive experience with other people (most all of the friends I have had treated me badly at one time or another so I sort of always expect people to do me wrong or try to take advantage of me).

And the reason I don't want to drive to the game store is because it would require traveling a long distance over a stretch of highway sort of notorious for traffic jams and accidents. It is a place I do not want to drive down when it is late and I am tired (I've been in one car accident, and it left a lasting impression on me - I am afraid to drive long distances alone at night).

Odds are that I will be moving when I finish college and can find a job so that I can get the money to move off the island. It's just that I've lived on Long Island all my life and the idea of going somewhere else to start out brand new all on my own with not even any family members there to turn to when things go wrong is frightening for me (most of my family lives/lived within walking distance of where I am now and we look out for each other - not having that support network is terrifying for me). I have no clue where I would go anyway.

[Jalor]

I've been there before, in the "everyone I know is a complete asshat and making new friends is impossible" situation. Unfortunately, I didn't really get a happy ending; more of a bittersweet one. The long period of time without happiness or emotional support kind of killed any kindness and empathy left in me, and also made me thick-skinned and completely emotionless.

I do have great friends now, but that's just because I graduated from the snob-infested pile of crap I went to before and went to a school with some decent people. I met most of my current friends through marching band, and many others through gaming. Honestly, I'm not sure why such great people stick around me.

I'm not saying you'll end up as ****ed up as I am; my point is that I started doing better when I burned what little bridges I had left and set out to find new people. Your best hope is probably to just graduate, leave tourist hell, and never look back.

[Teeka]

Heh, I'm already pretty messed up after what I went through when I was younger. Like I said, I pretty much expect people to betray me or use me then ditch me when something better (which is just about anything) comes along.

I guess I should thank you all for actually listening to me rather than calling me pathetic or saying that my problem is all my fault and that I'd make friends if I actually wanted to.

Says something that I'm thanking people for not verbally abusing me, but I've sort of gotten used to being grateful to people for treating me like a person on account of how rarely it happens to me.

For now I guess I need to try and survive alone for a few more years until I get out of college, and in the meanwhile start making plans for where I'm going to go.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Teeku, no matter what, you're not pathetic. It's also not your fault - there are, in fact, complete asshats in this world. I was friends with one for the longest time in high school and he made me feel like I couldn't get any friends but him. My social life improved dramatically after I told him to go and do censored things to himself. So if that guys is like you say, you're better off without him.

However, avoiding the group completely isn't exactly healthy. It's depriving you of opportunity (to meet people in the library) and doesn't help your self-esteem. Are they ACTUALLY going to do stuff to you (like crowd around and yell insults) or just boo you as you come by? Or just give you dirty looks? If it's just booing, think about this for a moment.

You come in to the library. They boo as you come by. Then what? Did anything bad happen (I'm going on an assumption that they're not violent sociopaths, completely disregard this advice if they are). Was this a social catastrophe in your life? Did everyone else in the library join in to insulting you verbally? Chances are, no. Chances are, no-one cared. Chances are you might actually meet a cool person that needs help with homework for the same class you're in. Who knows what good things might happen.

PS: is it possible for you to get shifts during the day so you can meet more people that you actually find interesting? Or maybe get a job at, say, Starbucks?

PPS: if it really is that bad over there, you can probably transfer to a different (bigger) school without too much hassle. Or at least that's how it works in Canada if it's inside the same province. Don't know how it works in the US but shouldn't bee too different. However don't try this if you're in depression, it's probably going to be very stressful.

[valadil]

I was never properly socialized, and I am starting to feel that it might be too late for me. I know it's my fault, but I really don't know what it is about me or what to do to fix it. I have been going to a doctor about my social issues, but she tends to agree with me that it is the situation where I live that is causing problems more so than any actual disorder that I might have.

Sorry I am so pathetic, but I am getting desperate.

Nah, it's not too late. I knew a guy who hadn't had any friends outside of IRC until college. Once he got into a good group of people he socialized fine. I couldn't even tell that that had been his situation until he told me.

[Dracomorph]

It doesn't sound to me like you've done anything wrong; I bet you've just been unlucky. Any dude who treats his girlfriend like that is just begging to lose her, and leaving him is entirely appropriate. It is too bad that the rest of the group refused to see your side of things, but that isn't your fault. Sometimes other people do bad things.

Tourist trap locations are tough. I wish I could offer some advice other than "leave as soon as you can," but that's really the long and short of it. I know there's a bunch of colleges here in Missouri that would fill needs for cheap education, especially if you used a community college for entry level courses before you went. There aren't tons of great jobs in my immediate area, though I can't speak to the whole state, but there are at least a few.

I sympathize, I really do. I've been in similar circumstances before, and it sucks. Sometimes you can help yourself, and sometimes you just have to wait it out a bit.

Best of luck.