Fun with puns!

[Galileo]

Cause everyone loves puns! Post your favourite pun, so there may be much wordplay-related merriment!

Gandalf has a spell that can prevent you from understanding sentences. The verbal component is, "You cannot parse!"

[Dallas-Dakota]

At day, he is just another normal geek....But at night....
He is....Punman!

[Yarram]

Please... Not another one of these punishing threads...

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

^He's resisting the thread! Everyone draw your lasers and set them to pun!:smallbiggrin:

Insane alien, you may may be my favourite person not from the middle east (after all, they have no mad people there):smalltongue:

I look forward to viewing this thread with joy, and to hopefully steal the best:smallwink:

MY favourite one liner that everyone can get is "There were two ships, a red ship and a blue ship, that crashed in the sea. It was a tragedy, and the survivors were reported to be marooned! :smalltongue:

V (No, I didn't:smallwink: I just thought it would be punnier to misinterpret :smalltongue:)

[Yarram]

^(I guess you missed it)

[averagejoe]

I've always liked this one. (http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/50.html)

[Archonic Energy]

stuff

RUN THE PUN-ISHER IS HERE...

[Galileo]

Why have one, when you can have them all? (http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/search_result.php?d=hobbit+obbiting&t=2&in=s)

[Mauve Shirt]

Why is it dangerous to go out in the springtime?
The flowers have pistols, the grass has blades and the trees are shooting.

Why did the algae and the fungus get married?
They took a lichen to each other.

[Civil War Man]

Shotgun weddings are a matter of wife or death.

[Corlindale]

I'm currently playing Bookworm Adventures 2, and it is positively packed with puns, some of them excellent.
I was just fighting a "Shrimp Soldier" in the underseas level, and after hitting me he promptly shouted "PRWNED!":smallbiggrin:

[Tamburlaine]

What do you call an amusing bun? A bread droll!

[comicshorse]

" Marriage ! You don't know the meaning of the word "
" That's not a word its a sentence "


Buddha goes up to a hotdog seller and say's " make me one with everything "

[Linkavitch]

Please... Not another one of these punishing threads...

Did you do that on purpose?

[Llama231]

Puns are phunny.

You just got PUNED!!!!

[Eon]

oh no. this thread is not punny.

[Yarram]

Did you do that on purpose?

Yes... Yes I did.:smallbiggrin:

[Master_Rahl22]

The Callahan's Place books by Spider Robinson have some great ones. My favorite is:

Mankind has reached outer space and is exploring the galaxy. They come upon an Earth-like planet and find a giant humanoid creature laying on the ground. They approach and begin to study it, and it seems to be alive and healthy, but it simply lays still. Finally, one scientist was up late one night studying it when he said, "Why would this creature have all of those muscles and never used them?" The thing stands up, and looking down at him says, "Ah, but I do use them." It then lays back down. The scientist snaps his fingers as says, "Of course! It only stands to reason!" :smallbiggrin:

[Fredthefighter]

http://imagechan.com/images/5aa405eb467093e16fbfdfed5c94252d.png

This had to be posted after I saw it over in Media Discussions.

[Zocelot]

A caravan is lost in the desert, and they're running out of food, desperately searching for some way to not starve to death. Eventually, they come upon a small house, with an old man sitting on the porch. He tells them "I don't have enough food to feed anyone but myself. Over that hill is a bacon tree, but I would not go there if I were you." To the starving people, they don't care that they've never heard of a bacon tree before, and immediately go to find it. They're ambushed by First Americans, and only one of them survives. He crawls back to the old man, badly wounded and asks him "Why did you tell us there was a bacon tree, we were ambushed and I'm the only one who survived?" The old man replies "Sorry, it was not a bacon tree. It was a hambush".

[golentan]

I hope this thread will become a somewhat static addition. It is a fixture that brings light to my world. Sure, sometimes these threads can get a bit charged, but I prefer to dwell on the positive. It can be good for lightning the mood. Try not to be too shocked, but I find there are magnetic personalities here with good frequency, and I don't resist this type of thing as much as I should. I just take a deep breath and recite my meditation mantra: Ohm....

Did I hear Insane Alien is from the middle east? Oh, it's so tempting to do a stereotypical Turbine joke, but I think everyone would hate me, and I wouldn't want to conduct any negative energy even unintentionally.

That was terrible, please forgive me.

[Szilard]

http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342
:smalltongue:

[The_JJ]

Pun-Pun. :smallbiggrin:

[Llama231]

G R U O K? (Pearls Before Swine)

[Atreyu the Masked LLama]

The Energizer Bunny has been arrested by police. He is charged with battery.

[Berserk Monk]

Did you hear about the guy who didn't believe in suicide? He jumped off a building. Apparently, he didn't believe it would kill him.

[Dogmantra]

The Energizer Bunny has been arrested by police. He is charged with battery.

Incidentally, there's another criminal on the loose. He's a four foot psychic. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

[Haven]

A friend once mentioned to me something about looking up spells online. I replied "So you're using Wicca-pedia?"

[Dogmantra]

A friend once mentioned to me something about looking up spells online. I replied "So you're using Wicca-pedia?"

Wicca-pedia's unreliable. I like to use Encyclopaedia Wiccanica!

[Ravens_cry]

Wicca-pedia's unreliable. I like to use Encyclopaedia Wiccanica!
I can't figure out witch is witch, some spells.

[Dogmantra]

I can't figure out witch is witch, some spells.

For a start, the SPELLing of the -paedia suffix is different.

[Ravens_cry]

For a start, the SPELLing of the -paedia suffix is different.
A most HEXcellent suggestion. I would do well to FAMILIAR-ize myself with it.

[Dogmantra]

A most HEXcellent suggestion. I would do well to FAMILIAR-ize myself with it.

I would teach you more about magic, but I have been summoned elsewhere.

[Ravens_cry]

I would teach you more about magic, but I have been summoned elsewhere.
Had to drain the wizard, eh?:smallwink:

[golentan]

Had to drain the wizard, eh?:smallwink:

What a charming way of putting it. Really conjures up some images.

[Haven]

What a charming way of putting it. Really conjures up some images.

I agree, very evocative.

[littlequietguy]

I met with the plant-people yesterday.
I thought they would waste my thyme but the were actually quite
RADISH-tional.

I am only an aPLANTice pun-maker

[CDR_Doom]

A man was working in a private lab on a way to stop the aging process. He had had some success in rodents and smaller creatures and now his next set of tests was going to be on a pair of dolphins. Much to his surprise, the serum he developed worked beyond expectations, not only making them completely stop aging but also making them a thousand times more intelligent than humans. They developed a form of telepathy that the could use to communicate with the scientist, and they talked about many things. Eventually the dolphins indicated to the man that they were hungry, and that they would prefer their fish to be cooked. Not having any place to cook in the lab, he decided that it would be easiest to go to the store and get a small grill that he could use. On the way to the store he heard a news report on the radio advising people of some lions that had escaped from the state zoo. When he got to the store, he found the grills and purchased one and then decided he should hurry back to the lab before he ran into the lions. As luck would have it, as he got back, he saw the lions all asleep under the bridge leading up to the lab. He called the police, and the told him to stay put and the would send someone out to capture the lions. The man waited and waited and no one showed up, and he finally decided that it wouldn't matter if he crossed the bridge as long as he was quiet. He made it safely across, but only a few minutes later the police were knocking on his door and arresting him. The man said "why are you arresting me? What have I been charged with?" The head detective shook his head and replied "Sir, you are under arrest for transporting grills across state lions for immortal porpoises." :smallbiggrin:

[TheBibliophile]

A little boy goes to playgroup for the first time, but he really hates it. So, while everyone else is napping, he manages to climb out of a window and escapes. He was very happy when he got to the ground and shouted out, "I'm free! I'm free!" A little girl walked up just then and said, "So what, I'm four!"

Horrible, I know, but it's the only pun I've got. :smalltongue:

[Dogmantra]

True story:
I was talking with a friend on MSN, and the conversation got to the army.
I said "I don't like the Military in general"

I double facepalmed when I worked out what I'd said...

[Ravens_cry]

True story:
I was talking with a friend on MSN, and the conversation got to the army.
I said "I don't like the Military in general"

I double facepalmed when I worked out what I'd said...
It is against one of my major lieu-tenants to acknowledge a pun as bad as that. Keep it in private, or you will be sure to face corporal punishment.

[golentan]

It is against one of my major lieu-tenants to acknowledge a pun as bad as that. Keep it in private, or you will be sure to face corporal punishment.

Hey, there may be a colonel of wisdom in his joke. Don't go cap'n potential new contributors, because they might lead to a new sarge of puns.

[Ravens_cry]

Hey, there may be a colonel of wisdom in his joke. Don't go cap'n potential new contributors, because they might lead to a new sarge of puns.

I admit the story did have some admiral qualities.

[Master_Rahl22]

I'd like to join this parade, if only I can muster up my courage. Hopefully I'll come up with a good one sometime before next March.

[Raiser Blade]

THIS THREAD IS PUNBEARABLE


Oh the huge manatee!

[Helanna]

I've been waiting for another of these threads solely so I could put in this pun.

I went on a trip to NYC last month to look at Pace University. While I was there, we did a lot of stuff, guided by some of the students at Pace.

One of the students was constantly quoting internet memes, particularly "It's a trap!" He used it at every available opportunity.

So while we were sitting in a restaurant, he was looking at a poster that said "Bar Wars", stylized in the Star Wars manner, and said, with hardly a moment's hesitation: "Bar Wars - IT'S ON TAP!"

I had trouble speaking for a while.

[Tiger Duck]

I hope one day to be Generally Happy

[Archonic Energy]

Incidentally, there's another criminal on the loose. He's a four foot psychic. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

luckly they've caught that Firework they were after, but his lawyer got him let off.

[Elm11]

Success! after thirteen years and 2 billion dollars of research, professor albertson had finally perfected it! the wish granter.

Now, it was his, and his alone, the privalige of trying it out. He donned the thought helmet, and hooked it up to the large beeping machine. He mustered his courage, took a deep breath in, and stated, simply:

"lemonade"

Fzzzzzzzt! BING! went the machine, and out of the dispenser tray poured a large pool of liquid onto the floor.

"bugger, i guess i'll need to be a little more specific" said the professor. then, i brilliant thought struck him.

"Women"

Fzzzzzzt! BING! went the machine once more, and in front of him stood the most amazing sight.

She was 5.5ft tall, with deep blue eyes and grey hair. she was also at least 95 years old, with a toothless grin from ear to ear.

"Blast!" said the professor. "i really need to work on the mech..."

Fzzzzzzt! BING

Forensics teams found the wreckage of a destroyed laboratory, and two charred skeletons.

[littlequietguy]

I 1ce liked numbers but now I find them sum of the worst things ever. They are positively diminishing and only a fraction of what they once where.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

I 1ce liked numbers but now I find them sum of the worst things ever. They are positively diminishing and only a fraction of what the once where.
Now, now, why are you trying to multiply irrational fear of maths? The threat is only imaginary, and it's fearmongers like you that are the prime reason people need to go off at a tangent to explain the intricacies of friendly maths. If your going to panic, try and be discrete about it. Ask around at small shopping complexes, say your decimals. Farmers with their swine herds are oft as knowledgeable, although natural loggers, or lumberjacks are average, and tend to be rather mean. If all else fails you can try your local priest, as the center of mass as well as pi-ious he's knows his maths! Together we can work out the root to your problems.:smallsmile:

(Unfortunately I didn't think of the degree of difficultly I'd have trying to smoothly put them all in here so they seemed natural and right as well as so it didn't make me sound obtuse to geek666 :smalltongue:)

[Dogmantra]

Death, that reminds me of a true story.

There are a couple of atoms in a bar. The first says "I think I lost an electron!" The second says "Are you positive? I've got too many and I can't cope with them." to which the first replies "Stop being so negative!"

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

Death, that reminds me of a true story.

There are a couple of atoms in a bar. The first says "I think I lost an electron!" The second says "Are you positive? I've got too many and I can't cope with them." to which the first replies "Stop being so negative!"

Ah, chemistry puns:smallbiggrin: I must admit that one does have an extra twist than the one I normally tell. It just goes "I think I lost and electron", "Are you sure", "Yes, I'm positive".

There was the good ol' standard "Why did the bear dissolve in water?"
"Because it was polar!" -Thes(If my memory serves me right:smallwink:)

On bar and chemistry though my second favourite is:
A neutron walked into a bar and orders a pint. He is promptly served and his glass is brimming.
"How much?" He asks the bartender.
"For you sir? No charge!" :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:

[Dogmantra]

While we're on the subject of chemistry, I think an awesome name for a DVD format converter would be "ISOtope"

I just realised what this actually said (from Skype):
[17:28:09] dogmantra: I got your message on the 'phone
[17:28:12] dogmantra: and I'm cheap
[17:28:14] dogmantra: so I hope you're there
[17:28:23] dogmantra: If not, I'll have to kill you
[17:29:28] dogmantra: *goes and gets shotgun*
[17:29:33] dogmantra: I'm dead serious :P

[Pauwel]

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch!

A fish swam into a dam.
Damn!

[Cyrion]

What do you call someone who doesn't like having milk spilled on his feet?

Lactoes intolerant.

[Mystic Muse]

what do you call a thread filled with bad puns?:smallconfused:

I got no clue.:smalltongue:

[Ravens_cry]

What do you call someone who doesn't like having milk spilled on his feet?

Lactoes intolerant.
A man who curiously does not enjoy the removal or loss of his lower appendages digits could be called by the same name.

[Zanaril]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.


What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes?

Still no idea.


What you call a paralyzed, eye-less deer that's being mauled to pieces?

Still bloody no idea!

[CDR_Doom]

what do you call a thread filled with bad puns?

Punishment :smallbiggrin:

[Dogmantra]

Y'know, I threw a dice party the other day... No-one came.

[Pyrian]

Funny, whenever I throw a dice party, every 1 turns up.

[Cyrion]

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere he went, so he had very tough feet. Also, because of his diet his health was very delicate, and he had very bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

[Llama231]

I like that pun. It is a good pun. That's funny. I commend you.

[KerfuffleMach2]

Now, now, why are you trying to multiply irrational fear of maths? The threat is only imaginary, and it's fearmongers like you that are the prime reason people need to go off at a tangent to explain the intricacies of friendly maths. If your going to panic, try and be discrete about it. Ask around at small shopping complexes, say your decimals. Farmers with their swine herds are oft as knowledgeable, although natural loggers, or lumberjacks are average, and tend to be rather mean. If all else fails you can try your local priest, as the center of mass as well as pi-ious he's knows his maths! Together we can work out the root to your problems.:smallsmile:

(Unfortunately I didn't think of the degree of difficultly I'd have trying to smoothly put them all in here so they seemed natural and right as well as so it didn't make me sound obtuse to geek666 :smalltongue:)

That was a good example of going off on a tangent, in my opinion.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

This was one I did at work:

During my training of installing hitches, I was being showed the different tools used. One is a specific type of drill bit called a reamer, used for making holes bigger. My boss told me that it can be dangerous to use, but that shouldn't stop me from using it.

My response was, "So, don't fear the reamer?"

What does Santa eat for dessert?
Ho-Hos.

[Eldan]

More Chemistry based:

Alcohol is not a solution. It's a compound.

[TheBibliophile]

All of you are so good at this. Don't look down on me, I'm only a pun-ble punmeister.

[Flame of Anor]

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Did you hear about the chemist who was grinding up teeth? She wanted a molar solution.

I didn't make up the first one, but I did write a multiple-page-long physics-themed parody of The Hunting of the Snark, entitled The Hunting of the Quark. If you're a particle physicist or have (as I did) extensively researched physics history, you'll think it's funny.

[Cyrion]

What's a Quarkbar?

The only candy bar with both flavor and charm.

[Shraik]

There once was a man named Benny. Benny was an adventurous man, and was upset that he would die one day, and no longer be able to adventure. So, Benny decided to talk to his fairy godmother, and she promises him as long as he doesn't shave from this point on, he'll be immortal, but if he does shave, the consequences will be dire.
So, years later, Benny is still as young as he was before, just scruffier. While adventuring one day, he meets the most amazing women ever, and decides he wants to marry her. She refuses, simply because of his unshaven face. Desperate to win her heart, Benny Finally shaves his beard. The Fairy Godmother then arrived to him, and punished for shaving by turning him into a venician urn.

Moral of the Story? A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned

[Jade_Tarem]

Someone put a hole in the wall of the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

Friends don't let friends do this. (http://xkcd.com/559/)

[golentan]

What's a Quarkbar?

The only candy bar with both flavor and charm.

I always take the one from the bottom, that's where you find the top quality. It may be a bit strange, but I heard a rumor that quarkbars will turn you into a half manta, with gills and everything. I repeat, Quarkbars will turn you into a Mer-ray Gill-man.

[PairO'Dice Lost]

It appears that a dog owner and his pit bull were causing many problems in the neighborhood due to the pit bull being walked without a leash. The police found and reprimanded the owner, but have no leads on the dog.

Writing stories about the defense of various professional sports teams results in lots of impenetrable pros.

Thinking about particle physics always gives me a hadron.

A group of chemistry students works as gravediggers on the midnight shift; their pay is in barium nitrate.
(=bury 'em night rate. Yeah, it's a stretch.)

What neo-Nazi movement opposes the separation of church and state? Antidisestablishment Aryanism.

Why do geometricians who go deaf have an advantage over other newly-deaf people? They already speak sine language.

Mathematicians are very trusting people; they're always willing to cosine a lease.

What do a nuclear power plant's control computer and British food have in common? Both include fission chips.

Mathematicians are well-suited to measuring the pace of lumberjacks, because they already know how to take logger rhythms.

[Fifty-Eyed Fred]

All of the toilets in the police station were stolen this morning; the police currently have nothing to go on.

[KerfuffleMach2]

A snail goes to his local auto dealership. He finds the salesman, and they pick out a car. However, he has one request. He wants a big letter S to be painted on top.

"Why's that?" asks the salesman.

"So that way, when I'm driving around, and people see me, they'll say 'Look at that S car go!'"

[Copper8642]

My uncle at work + a coworker.

Co worker:"Damn, my wife made me lunch and burnt the toast again! I can't believe it. I hate burnt toast. How about you, you like burnt toast?"

Uncle: "Nah, I'm black-toast intolerant."

[Flame of Anor]

I always take the one from the bottom, that's where you find the top quality. It may be a bit strange, but I heard a rumor that quarkbars will turn you into a half manta, with gills and everything. I repeat, Quarkbars will turn you into a Mer-ray Gill-man.

:smallsigh:

:smallamused:

In The Hunting of the Quark, the Bellman is replaced with the Gell-Mann.

[Shadowbane]

http://comics.com/pearls_before_swine/2009-06-14/

I love it.

[Galileo]

I have an icecube tray that makes icecubes in the shape of various pieces from a very popular computer game based around quick thinking and strategy. I have Tetrice.

[Cyrion]

Two hunters were after moose and had no success. As they were leaving the woods a little way off they heard, "Here, Roan!.......<BANG!>" Curious they followed the sound and came to a clearing. Standing in the clearing was a farmer with a shotgun and several dead moose. Before long, the farmer called out, "Here, Roan!" and into the clearing trotted a roan horse followed by a moose. The farmer leveled his shotgun and <BANG!> shot the moose. Try as they might, the hunters could not get the farmer to let them borrow or buy the horse, so they decided to follow the farmer home and steal it.

Back in the clearing, they told the horse, "Go get moose!" and off the horse went.

"How long should we wait?"

"Dunno, never done this before, have I? Give it a try."

"Here, Roan!"

<nothing>

"Here, Roan!"

<nothing>

"Here, Roan!"

But the roan horse was never seen again, and the moral to this story is that a stolen roan gathers no moose.

:smalleek::smallbiggrin:

[Eon]

now this pun will really take the cake:


The police are chasing a thief who steals cakes from stores.


see I told you it was going to take the cake!


Ha ha. hehe.

*flees thread*

[Ricky S]

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe. When he gets up to leave the barman says"Oi! You cant leave that lyin' around" The man turns to the barman and says,"Thats not a lion, its a giraffe"

[unstattedCommoner]

http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1709.html
http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/2377.html

[Supagoof]

A good classic....

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.