Aging action hero vs thread

[paddyfool]

Inspired by this thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=118964) of Berserk Monk's:

Vs match one (65-80): Clint Eastwood (79) vs Sir Sean Connery (78) vs Harrison Ford (67) vs Michael Caine (76) EDIT5 vs William Shatner (78). Referee: Chuck Norris (69)

Vs match two (55-64): Arnold Schwarzenegger (62) vs Sylvester Stallone (63) vs Steven Seagal (58) vs Jackie Chan (55) vs Samuel L Jackson (58) EDIT vs Jean Reno (59) EDIT2 vs Kurt Russell (58) EDIT3 vs Richard Dean Anderson (59) EDIT 4 vs Mickey Rourke (56). Referee: Mr T (57)

EDIT3 Vs match three (45-54): Bruce Willis (54) vs Mel Gibson (53) vs Dolph Lundgren (52) vs Sean Bean (50) vs Jean-Claude Van Damme (48) vs Wesley Snipes (47) vs Nicolas Cage (45) EDIT 4 vs Tom Cruise (47). Referee: Jet Li (46).

All three matches to be unarmed, in an ultimate fighter-style set-up.

Kirk Douglas (92) to score the matches and decide on the winner in the absence of a knock-out or submission.

EDIT3: Any winners are free to then challenge their referee if they feel so inclined, although it would probably be unwise ;-).

[Myshlaevsky]

My God. I want to vote Seagal so badly, because he is the most has-been. He's plumbed depths the others probably haven't even thought of yet.

I'd say Clint Eastwood on the first one, I can't call the second because it can actually be considered in a serious manner.

Kirk Douglas could beat them all though. Preferably with an axe and a missing eye.

[Querzis]

In the first one probably Clint eastwood or maybe Harrisson Ford. For the second one obviously Jackie Chan.

[Dewey]

To me, the first one is the hardest to call. The second one is obviously Jackie Chan, though.

[TengYt]

Aww man, no Kirk Russell?

[paddyfool]

Here's how I see one way each fight could go down.

Fight one: The first man down would be Harrison Ford, as the three older men despatch the young threat. After this alliance of convenience, though, it'd be a bit of a free-for-all, and probably Sir Caine would go down next; he's ruthless, but although he can dish it out, I'm not sure he can take it. With a final match-up of Connery vs Eastwood it's a matter of strength vs speed and grit; on the whole, though, Connery looks to have got softer in his old age, and might not have the stamina to keep up, leaving Eastwood the last man standing.

Fight two: Is just going to be messy. Stallone and Schwarzenegger gang up on Seagal and take him down for daring to get in the same ring as them, besides his frequent mouthing off about being the hardest there is etc., and then turn on each other. Jackie Chan would take down Samuel L Jackson but take some pretty hard hits in the process, and Jean Reno would just take Russell to peaces. Jackie would then beat Jean in some fancy way, just as Arnie's heart gives out while grappling Sly. Finally, in a head-to-head of the two shortest guys in the ring... well, better remember that Jackie does his own stunts, breaks his bones, gets up and carries on as a routine thing. Stallone just pretends to take punches and keep on coming, and would be pretty exhausted by this stage. It might not be quick or pretty, but ultimately I reckon Mr Chan would have the edge again.

Any quibbles with this analysis?

[Llama231]

I vote Chan.

Grr vs. treads without explanation despite stickied mod post...:smallannoyed:

[pita]

I have a quibble with that analysis. Namely, Samuel L Jackson losing, and Bruce Willis, who's also an ancient guy, not being on the list. The entire thing will probably end up Sam and Bruce beating each other up in a vaguely homo-erotic way until one of them dies of old age and the other one is crowned the winner.

[RandomNPC]

i walk up, call them all old guys, explode from the scorn they all shoot my way, and don't have to guess who would win because i just exploded.

[Nerd-o-rama]

While they're all badass, I'd have to say Clint Eastwood's the most hardcore of the first category (and also has the lamest films lately), and would thus win it.

For the younger category, consider throwing in Richard Dean Anderson (59) just so we can have Colonel O'Neil vs. Colonel O'Neill. As it is, I'm voting Samuel L. Jackson (bitch!).

[paddyfool]

I have a quibble with that analysis. Namely, Samuel L Jackson losing, and Bruce Willis, who's also an ancient guy, not being on the list. The entire thing will probably end up Sam and Bruce beating each other up in a vaguely homo-erotic way until one of them dies of old age and the other one is crowned the winner.

Bruce, while a prime example otherwise, is only 54, and so didn't quite make the cut. I could have another age category, perhaps, for those 45-54, in which case he'd be fighting Mel Gibson (53), Jean-Claude Van Damme (48), Jet Li (46), and doubtless several other blokes I haven't thought of.

EDIT: Richard Dean Anderson could go in, although that ring's getting pretty crowded. It's approaching the point where this'd have to be a tournament. Another bloke I realise I forgot to put in is Mickey Rourke (55). His brief, and undefeated, career as a professional boxer after self-destructing as an actor, never mind being at the sweet spot in terms of age, makes him a scarier contender than you might think.

[GrandMasterMe]

This seems really close to the best oldtimer thread :smallfrown:

[countchocula86]

Is this the part where Dolph Lundgren pops in and smacks everyone down?

[orchitect]

Eastwood all the way. I'm betting he could take on the younger guys too. Seriously; he's in better looking shape than all of them.

[Dervag]

I'm going to agree that the younger set ('pre-retirement-weight'?) is going to Jackie Chan. He's got an advantage of several years over some of the other major contenders, even in his own class. And, as others said, he actually does take beatings; guys like Sly Stallone just pretend to take beatings.

I don't feel qualified to comment on the older set.

[Berserk Monk]

Inspired by this thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=118964) of Berserk Monk's:

Yes! I inspired something other that a nuclear holocaust. I just won a bet.

And as for the fights, Harrison Ford in the first, Jackie Chan in the second.

[Kato]

I can hardly put up a real judgement on the first one... sympathy'd go to Sean or Clint.

Second I'm pretty sure Jackie pwn them all unless they are wise enough to gang up on him. Arnie might have a chance, on mere guessing. And... maybe Reno...

Also, I second Willis and Anderson need to be in there.

[paddyfool]

OK, I've edited the match up to include Dolph, Willis and Anderson, plus others that became necessary with the addition of a new age category. Is everyone happy, and who do you predict would win the not-quite-so-old category?

[hustlertwo]

Actual fighting? Seems like most of the answers would be fairly easy, then. Ford in the first; Paul Bettany's story about the fistfight they had in Firewall confirms that. Unless Chuck Norris gets bored and kills everyone. Internet jokes aside, there's no one in that division that would hold a candle to him. For the second, Jackie Chan, because martial arts are almost always a safe bet, and the only two there who truly are skilled in them is him and Seagal, and Seagal's a big fatty. Also, too much of a primadonna. And then the last goes to Dolph, who is pretty much an all-around impressive guy aside from his crappy acting skills. I guess you could assume there'd be teaming up against some of these people, but these three all stick out enough in their fights that I'm not sure that would matter.

[nanobot_swarm]

For the first, I'd say Clint Eastwood, because he would probably bite someone's face off, and the others would flee in mortal terror.
For bout two, definitely Jackie Chan, anyone who does all their own stunts would be in great shape, just like Chan.
Por El Numero Tres, I'd say Bruce Willis, do I even need a reason?

[paddyfool]

After edits:

Match 1: Sticking by my earlier story. There's every reason for the three older men to gang up on Ford.

Match 2: Giving this to the new entry, Mickey Rourke. Yes, Jackie Chan does his own stunts, but he's sustained a host of serious injuries from doing so, never mind being massively out of his weight category. Rourke, on the other hand, was a professional boxer (back in the 90s - career record of 8 wins, no losses), has no acting career to lose, and is at the sweet spot in terms of age. That's got to hurt the rest.

Match 3: Van Damme, who won a few martial arts tournaments before going to Hollywood, is a tempting contender, but Dolph Lundgren also knows a fair bit (3rd Dan black belt in kyokushin karate) and at 6'5 with a powerful build has reach and weight on the Belgian. Plus, he's allegedly quite smart (despite being a crap actor) and might well get tactical, so I'll give the fight to him by a narrow margin. (Incidentally, is it wrong that I think this fight would mostly be worth watching to see Cruise, Cage and Gibson get taken to the cleaners?)

[nothingclever]

He's not on any of the lists but I'll bet on William Shatner beating everyone mentioned.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_c1Odol9xw

[paddyfool]

...

How could I forget Shatner?! Added to ring 1 (Clint Eastwood still wins, though, imho)