Jinura
2009-08-03, 03:50 PM
Now I've been writing some here and there on at and seeing as there recently has been another uploading of a story, I thought I could do the same.
I'm not finished yet, and pretty far away too. So I would like to know some tips/changes that would be good to do. Some of the characters might seem a little cliché ( or the story in general ). But keep in mind I'm a early-mid teens boy that dosen't even speak English as first languagel, so if there are any repeative spelling/grammar mistakes, just point it out. Now I hope i can get some critique here. :smallbiggrin: However it might seem long, but print it out and read it at the bathroom if you want :smallredface:
Helter Skelter
John Mars was a hard working, ambitious, rising C.E.O, of his own company, “The Business Corporation” which was a fast growing, corporation that produced vehicles, weapons and computer software. John was hurrying down the street, where the thousand of people in suits, were hurrying for their work in one of the thousands of buildings, which consisted of modern day London. Only the inner part of the city had remained somewhat like it was, in the beginning of the 21st century.
Now, it looked more like Manhattan had back then.
He went down the right quickly, pushing a stressed looking young man away, which shouted something at him that he couldn’t hear from the mix of people talking, car horns blowing, and some street preacher saying that the rising racial conflict would lead to civil war. John didn’t really notice him, the last few months there had been a growing amount of those, telling anyone curios enough to wait and listen that war was coming. John went further down the street, his speed quickly moving towards that of running and finally got to the largest building around here, he went in and saw tons of people in their fancy business suits, one more expensive than the next, talking together, his leather shoes left mark on the red carpet that covered the floor, he quickly ran towards the elevator that was just about to leave but he managed to push himself in. Some mumble came from a grey haired man and a young woman with her hair uptight in a knot asked John to get out. He ignored her and she pushed herself out right before the doors closed.
The elevator stopped at 5th floor and he and about half the people in the elevator got out to. He walked left down the hallway that looked a lot like a regular office hallway, past some cubicles where men in women sat with their computers and phones, talking and typing. He went down the hallway and into his own office that was larger than everybody else’s.
He went down and sat at his table, but could not bother to turn on the computer. He’d had a headache since he waked up earlier the morning, he quickly realised it being the hangover he had, from the day before after a wild night of drinking at the Friday bar. He leaned back in his chair and relaxed for a minute. He then turned on the speaker and told his assistant to bring him some coffee.
He finally took himself together to turn on his computer and while it loaded for what seemed like hours, Layla, his assistant came in with the coffee, assisted by a serious looking man in a black suit. “ Go outside will you Layla?” John said with a harsh tone. She didn’t say a word and closed the door behind her as she went out. “ What are you doing here Will?” John asked and stared with a controlled anger at him. “ Relax now, will you?” he answered back with a voice that wouldn’t show any emotions, his face not changing expression at all.
“Oh, you know…” the man called Will started but hesitated a bit, he was then interrupted by John.
“Get to the matter!” he raised his voice and jumped up from his chair.
“ Now, now, what’s with the temper?” Will said with a little smirk, he was not startled at all. “ I’m here to ask you a favour. I know we’re not on the best terms, but you still owe me one. Remember?”
John silenced for a second, not really being prepared for this being brought up before Will, or William Aster, as his full name was. Had once saved him, from a lot of political chaos, back when he was sitting in the parliament, by covering up for him, and taking the fall for him. He had been accused of taking a great deal of money from the party’s treasury, which he had only part done. But William had taken all the guilt, in return that John would repay him greatly. Back then John had just started his company and soon after that left the party. In shame and in the fact that he probably wouldn’t convince the voters. He had however kept his contact within the party at a somewhat good state. Keeping contact primarily within the government. Regularly speaking with the Foreign Minister, the Financial minister and the Prime minister. He had donated money during the last election where the party had lost a lot of the centrist voters because of the very aggressive classical liberal meaning some members had expressed, barely winning over the Labour party by less than 0.1% of the votes. Winning only because of the support it got from some of the other parties. William Aster had a few years earlier while drunk, run over Johns wife, and killed here on the spot, after she had been out drinking with some of her friends, one of them was injured and the other got away mostly unharmed as they had walked together. William had later been sentenced to only a year in prison because investigations showed that large amounts of drugs and alcohol had been found in him.
“Get to the point or get out” John repeated.
“ All right.” William cleared his throat. “ You have good relationships with the foreign minister I’ve understood. I want to meet her, today.”
“ I’m not sure she can with such short warning”
“Today” William said firmly, there could be no questioning to that.
My general idea about the setting is that there is a growing racial conflict in the world, which then erupts into massive war between various regions of the world. Very Cliché I know.
I'm not finished yet, and pretty far away too. So I would like to know some tips/changes that would be good to do. Some of the characters might seem a little cliché ( or the story in general ). But keep in mind I'm a early-mid teens boy that dosen't even speak English as first languagel, so if there are any repeative spelling/grammar mistakes, just point it out. Now I hope i can get some critique here. :smallbiggrin: However it might seem long, but print it out and read it at the bathroom if you want :smallredface:
Helter Skelter
John Mars was a hard working, ambitious, rising C.E.O, of his own company, “The Business Corporation” which was a fast growing, corporation that produced vehicles, weapons and computer software. John was hurrying down the street, where the thousand of people in suits, were hurrying for their work in one of the thousands of buildings, which consisted of modern day London. Only the inner part of the city had remained somewhat like it was, in the beginning of the 21st century.
Now, it looked more like Manhattan had back then.
He went down the right quickly, pushing a stressed looking young man away, which shouted something at him that he couldn’t hear from the mix of people talking, car horns blowing, and some street preacher saying that the rising racial conflict would lead to civil war. John didn’t really notice him, the last few months there had been a growing amount of those, telling anyone curios enough to wait and listen that war was coming. John went further down the street, his speed quickly moving towards that of running and finally got to the largest building around here, he went in and saw tons of people in their fancy business suits, one more expensive than the next, talking together, his leather shoes left mark on the red carpet that covered the floor, he quickly ran towards the elevator that was just about to leave but he managed to push himself in. Some mumble came from a grey haired man and a young woman with her hair uptight in a knot asked John to get out. He ignored her and she pushed herself out right before the doors closed.
The elevator stopped at 5th floor and he and about half the people in the elevator got out to. He walked left down the hallway that looked a lot like a regular office hallway, past some cubicles where men in women sat with their computers and phones, talking and typing. He went down the hallway and into his own office that was larger than everybody else’s.
He went down and sat at his table, but could not bother to turn on the computer. He’d had a headache since he waked up earlier the morning, he quickly realised it being the hangover he had, from the day before after a wild night of drinking at the Friday bar. He leaned back in his chair and relaxed for a minute. He then turned on the speaker and told his assistant to bring him some coffee.
He finally took himself together to turn on his computer and while it loaded for what seemed like hours, Layla, his assistant came in with the coffee, assisted by a serious looking man in a black suit. “ Go outside will you Layla?” John said with a harsh tone. She didn’t say a word and closed the door behind her as she went out. “ What are you doing here Will?” John asked and stared with a controlled anger at him. “ Relax now, will you?” he answered back with a voice that wouldn’t show any emotions, his face not changing expression at all.
“Oh, you know…” the man called Will started but hesitated a bit, he was then interrupted by John.
“Get to the matter!” he raised his voice and jumped up from his chair.
“ Now, now, what’s with the temper?” Will said with a little smirk, he was not startled at all. “ I’m here to ask you a favour. I know we’re not on the best terms, but you still owe me one. Remember?”
John silenced for a second, not really being prepared for this being brought up before Will, or William Aster, as his full name was. Had once saved him, from a lot of political chaos, back when he was sitting in the parliament, by covering up for him, and taking the fall for him. He had been accused of taking a great deal of money from the party’s treasury, which he had only part done. But William had taken all the guilt, in return that John would repay him greatly. Back then John had just started his company and soon after that left the party. In shame and in the fact that he probably wouldn’t convince the voters. He had however kept his contact within the party at a somewhat good state. Keeping contact primarily within the government. Regularly speaking with the Foreign Minister, the Financial minister and the Prime minister. He had donated money during the last election where the party had lost a lot of the centrist voters because of the very aggressive classical liberal meaning some members had expressed, barely winning over the Labour party by less than 0.1% of the votes. Winning only because of the support it got from some of the other parties. William Aster had a few years earlier while drunk, run over Johns wife, and killed here on the spot, after she had been out drinking with some of her friends, one of them was injured and the other got away mostly unharmed as they had walked together. William had later been sentenced to only a year in prison because investigations showed that large amounts of drugs and alcohol had been found in him.
“Get to the point or get out” John repeated.
“ All right.” William cleared his throat. “ You have good relationships with the foreign minister I’ve understood. I want to meet her, today.”
“ I’m not sure she can with such short warning”
“Today” William said firmly, there could be no questioning to that.
My general idea about the setting is that there is a growing racial conflict in the world, which then erupts into massive war between various regions of the world. Very Cliché I know.