Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Faulty]

I'm developing a crush on a girl in my Existentialism class and I'm not sure what to do.

[Pyrian]

Obviously you need to ask her if what's true for you is also true for her. :smallwink:

[Coidzor]

Right. We need to get together a list of 10 existential pickup lines, as apparently this does not yet exist on the Internets. Or rather, we haven't decided that existential pickup lines have meaning? :smallconfused:

[xPANCAKEx]

I'm developing a crush on a girl in my Existentialism class and I'm not sure what to do.

are you single?
is she single?
do you have a positive relationship with her?

if all three can be answered with "yes" then you could always try the time honoured approach of asking her out?

[Faulty]

I'm single, I don't know if she's single, our relationship is pretty positive thus far. We've only really begun talking since last Friday so I'm not sure I'd like to ask her out. We chatted before class today, and she offered me a sun chip and gave me advice on science classes to take. She was really willing to perpetuate the conversation and was responsive, so she at the very least likes me as an aquantance.

[xPANCAKEx]

i take it you're new at school/college then?

[Dragonrider]

As I've said before, having been on the other end of such things, I would prefer to know a guy a little longer than that before he asked me out...but I also know that different people feel differently about that, so I'm not necessarily the person to advise. :smalltongue:

[Forever Curious]

Well, Yeah, I mean, no need to beat around the bush. I've not claimed to be innocent and, well, TV tropes. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AManIsNotAVirgin)

That made me giggle. Three cheers for Tropes!

[Faulty]

i take it you're new at school/college then?

Second year, but I've never met this person.


As I've said before, having been on the other end of such things, I would prefer to know a guy a little longer than that before he asked me out...but I also know that different people feel differently about that, so I'm not necessarily the person to advise. :smalltongue:

Yeah, I'm pretty reticent. But I'm wondering if there's anything I could do to further the chance of maybe asking her out.

[Coidzor]

inviting her to talk existentialism in a coffee shoppe with you, the natural place where one can most easily tap into the vibes of it?

[Pyrian]

As I've said before, having been on the other end of such things, I would prefer to know a guy a little longer than that before he asked me out...Okay, let's say there's a guy at college who wants to get to know you better and longer before asking you out. How would he go about such a task?

[The Extinguisher]

Right. We need to get together a list of 10 existential pickup lines, as apparently this does not yet exist on the Internets. Or rather, we haven't decided that existential pickup lines have meaning? :smallconfused:

Yes. This is a good thing.

[skywalker]

She was timid and thought you were cute and you should've made it clear you just didn't hear her very well to put her at ease. Ah well. Since she asked you if you frequent it regularly, wouldn't hurt to drop by every now and then and keep an eye out for her. :P

I'm not single at the mo'... I will eventually go back, you know, for food. :smallbiggrin:


Well, Yeah, I mean, no need to beat around the bush. I've not claimed to be innocent and, well, TV tropes. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AManIsNotAVirgin)

Usually this candidacity gets me in a bit of trouble before anything sexual'll come up anyway.

I think the worst thing it ever causes me to do is to go into sculptural critique mode in regards to someone's physical body.

I just found it funny.. Not criticizing, just that IRL, it would've been one of those things I put on my facebook quotes or something. One of those combinations of words that I find funny.

[Jalor]

I don't know if she's single
Try these. I've used them for years. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6924836&postcount=541) I could also make some terrible pun about the friend zone having No Exit, but it seems a little too obvious.

Actually, I used the first of those two methods today. I saw A talking to some guy in a relationship-y manner, so I located a friend to assist me and found out that she is, in fact, taken.

So, looks like more searching for Jalor. Being actively pursued by my last girlfriend made me lazy.

[Faulty]

I have no wing (wo)men availible. :smalltongue: No one in that class or in the area I know around that time to help.

Friend zone comments = bleh. Thank you for your constraint. :smallwink:

[Lord Loss]

I'M BACK! - That sounded too cheerful.

Everyone Thinks i like E. I like R (we're friends) . R likes D&D, Poetry, Movies, Reading, Computer RPGs... just about everything I like. We're in History and Geo (yawns) together -Even Next 2 her in hist )

1) Should I suppress, encourage or do nothing about her & everyone else thinking I like E?

2)Should I ''play it cool'' and do nothing? Or take action?

3) We're not the most attractive people ''en ville'' (I'm shortest in my grade) Does this affect the situation?

[xPANCAKEx]

Lord Loss

why does everyone think you like E?
are E and R friends?

as long as you're not hideous unattractive you'll be fine as long as you're charming and confident - and even failing that you can still times do well for yourself

[Pyrian]

I wouldn't worry about people thinking you like E. Who people think you like is not as important as who you do like. Which leads me to ask: is there any particular reason you're not openly courting R? I mean, by default, my advice is always going to be, if you like someone, woo them already! Life doesn't last forever, y'know.

[Lord Loss]

R & E are good friends. And, which , uh, version of ''openly courteous are you reffering to, Pyrian? Reffering to the hideous issue, I'd be quite fine if I was tall. People occaisionally ask me if I'm a ''midget'' (which I'm not)

[Pyrian]

And, which , uh, version of ''openly courteous are you reffering to, Pyrian?Well, you could be traditional and ask her out. Or you could just tell her why she's so special to you and take it from there. But there's really a ton of ways to go about that sort of thing, and by-and-large context sensitivity is usually best, IMO.

[Jalor]

3) We're not the most attractive people ''en ville'' (I'm shortest in my grade) Does this affect the situation?
Don't worry about it. As long as you're not utterly repulsive, it's more about confidence than actual appearance, hence the Ugly Guy/Hot Chick phenomenon. Just the other day, one of my female friends was startled to realize that I'm ugly. I imagine that she just mentally filed me under "sexy" because I acted like I was. It's the Bavarian Fire Drill again.

Although the height may be an issue. Most women don't like to be taller than their significant other. This was a problem when I was younger, but now I'm 5'8"ish and attracted to short women. How much taller is she than you?

[Coidzor]

Talk to the one you do like and ask her out, that should clear everything up right away.

[The Extinguisher]

I wish I could move away. I wish I could leave behind every memory I have here and start somewhere new. I thought university would be the start of that, but apparently things have followed me there. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of friends, I'm tired of exes, I'm tired of drama and I'm just tired of all the ****. I don't want to be a part of it.

I wish I could just tell someone, and then that person can deal with it, I never have to come back to this again. Let the world know about the problem so someone, anyone can try to help.

I'm tired of the thoughts and the "what-ifs." I'm tired of false hope and misleading comments. I'm tired of her. I hate everything that's happened since her. I want to forget it and I want to forger her. Forget her problems that she's shoved on me. Forget the secrets and the lies.




I'm so tired.

[Coidzor]

Yeah, that would be tiring. Have you tried squashing your thoughts as soon as you start in on what-ifs and instead starting to think about kickass dragons?

<_< >_> I'm actually trying that whole... running away thing.

[The Extinguisher]

Yeah, that would be tiring. Have you tried squashing your thoughts as soon as you start in on what-ifs and instead starting to think about kickass dragons?

<_< >_> I'm actually trying that whole... running away thing.

I try, I try. But my mind is overactive sometimes. I tend to think about what-ifs and conversations that never happened, or what someone might say and what I should say, and all sorts of different situations. It's an annoying habit I've never been able to get over. And it's really bad when things like these happen.

I once had an argument with someone in my head, based on what I though they'd say. I was really upset and I almost forgot it wasn't real when I saw them next.

[Coidzor]

Hmm. If it's especially obstructive to you being able to get to sleep at night, my dad and I have both gotten help from prescription medicine in that department.

As well as one of my ex's, but she also needed management of her depression and anxiety disorders, and the solution for the thinking too much and not being able to shut off to sleep was just part of her treatment for the other.

...I've occasionally had those sorts of arguments in my head, it's just one of those things where you've got to come up with your own coping mechanism of turning them off. Sort of like that one Nash mathematician/economics guy who was a schizophrenic but got to the point where he could distinguish the hallucinations from the real sensory input

Edit: I just actually finished a profile I had on OKcupid since I was 17 for the tests on a bit of a whim after seeing another friend's profile on there.

You may not now... commence to pointing and laughing at me.

Especially since I just messaged a guy who's studying culinary work at the local community college about any restaurant recommendations he might have.

I just have this feeling in the back of my mind that I committed a major faux pas right there but I couldn't for the life of me say why beyond messaging another guy on a dating site with no intention or attraction there....

Edit:edit: I don't even know how I managed to make a typo of "Now" turn into "Not" ...:smallsigh:

[Partof1]

So, I asked her out :smallbiggrin: I'm taking her to a movie this weekend. May I "woo!" now?

[Coidzor]

Yes, but only a small one. You may really WOO once you fin the date has been a success and she enjoyed herself. :smallwink:

[TheBST]

Listen to the man. Wooing first, woot!ing later

[Syka]

Wooing first, woot!ing later

Accurate advice, that is. :)

[Jalor]

So, I asked her out :smallbiggrin: I'm taking her to a movie this weekend.
This reminds me of something I've been meaning to ask. What kind of movie should one select for a date?

Sure, I know the old standby of horror movies so you can hold her during the scary parts, but that's always seemed to me a step above sticking your John Thomas through the bottom of the popcorn box. I know movies in general are best for the 4th date and onward, but I've actually never taken a girl to a movie and have no idea where to start.

[xPANCAKEx]

any sort of movie you'd both enjoy

don't take her to a lord of the rings marathon if shes not into fantasy

[Syka]

Depends on the girl. I'm the ultimate horror fan so horror, particularly forein horror films, are great. I'm also a movie buff so most types are good excluding rom coms. I even saw Borat on a second date.

So if you can figure out what the girl is into narrow it down from there. Good suggestions are always movie that will get you talking. Recent examples include District 9 and Surrogates.

[Serpentine]

Edit: I just actually finished a profile I had on OKcupid since I was 17 for the tests on a bit of a whim after seeing another friend's profile on there.

You may not commence to pointing and laughing at me.Bah. I joined OKCupid before it was even called OKCupid (for the quizzes!). I sorta consider it a quiz site first, then a dating site, whatever it tries to tell me.
I notice they changed "stalkers" to "visitors" :smallamused:

[Faulty]

So I'm seeing that girl again on Friday. It's in a conference, so most of our time together will be doing work there, but I have some small time for interaction there. Any idea of how I could get us more friendly?

[xPANCAKEx]

So I'm seeing that girl again on Friday. It's in a conference, so most of our time together will be doing work there, but I have some small time for interaction there. Any idea of how I could get us more friendly?

be talkative, be friendly, and for jebus sake, don't focus all your attention on her else you'll come off a creep, or single her out

unless you've got a LOT in common or one of those instant clicks, becoming more friendly takes a bit of time

[Faulty]

Thanks for the suggestion.

[Zeb The Troll]

Bah. I joined OKCupid before it was even called OKCupid (for the quizzes!). I sorta consider it a quiz site first, then a dating site, whatever it tries to tell me.
I notice they changed "stalkers" to "visitors" :smallamused:Is that something like, err, what was it called before they called it Tickle.com? I did the same thing. Made an account so's I could take the fun little personality quizzes ("Who's YOUR inner Rock Star?") then learned later that I might be able to use it to meet girls who shared my interests. Despite many testimonials, it never did me personally any good.

[Mando Knight]

Despite many testimonials, it never did me personally any good.

Giant in the Playground Forums: 1 out of 1 Trolls polled say it helped them with their love lives more than a dating site! :smallwink::smalltongue:

[Zeb The Troll]

Giant in the Playground Forums: 1 out of 1 Trolls polled say it helped them with their love lives more than a dating site! :smallwink::smalltongue:Ha! That cracked me up. :smallbiggrin:

[Jalor]

be talkative, be friendly, and for jebus sake, don't focus all your attention on her else you'll come off a creep, or single her out

unless you've got a LOT in common or one of those instant clicks, becoming more friendly takes a bit of time
That's basically all you need to do. I would say "make sure you aren't acting self-conscious", but one of my friends pointed out just how silly that sounds. Just... don't think too much.

Also, try to remember details from the last time you spoke, and mention them in a non-creepy way. Like, if she mentioned last time that she had a dog, ask her how her dog is doing. Most girls, in my experience, are pleasantly surprised when guys pay attention to something besides their rack.

[Coidzor]

<_< I actually had a girl with a service dog in my acting class today. Cutee dog. It's one in training so it's only about half a year old and it's like a german/aussie shepherd mix. She wasn't bad looking either.

But she has a three year old, so.... She's probably like taken or something.

[Jalor]

Okay, this is a pretty stupid question, especially from a regular advice giver,but where the hell do I find girls? My usual advice is to join a team/club/group/society of some sort, but I'm already in plenty of those. I've just run out of girls who are single and haven't already made it clear that they're not interested. I already know just about everyone in my classes, because we're all the exact same frakking honors students as last year. Yes, there are tons of girls around that I haven't met, but I have no way to actually meet them.

Right now I'm actually considering asking a friend to introduce me to someone. Not anyone in particular, just someone dateable.

[The Extinguisher]

I've always wanted to try a blind date.

So I spent most of this evening cheering myself up and checking myself out in the mirror to boost my confidence :smallsmile:
This was to offset how horrible the rest of the day and how bad the situation with the ex is. I think we were this close to her inviting me to skip classes and rush over to her place.... :smallsigh: (this sigh is for this thing almost happening, not because it didn't happen)

[Coidzor]

Yeah. Though what's the worst is when you set up a blind date between two people who don't know each other but you know both of them and they start bitching at you for setting 'em up on a blind date when they actually asked for the help.

I'm pretty sure I'd give a crack at it though if I were set up on one. I've never really understood how the process is supposed to work.

[Zeb The Troll]

But she has a three year old, so.... She's probably like taken or something.I quite disagree. In this day and age there are plenty of single mothers out there. In fact, they'd probably love to be asked out on a date too, since they probably aren't nearly as often as they'd like because, for women, unlike men, having a child in tow tends to be a huge turnoff for the opposite sex. Even if she is in a relationship, it would probably make her day to know that someone would be interested. In my experience, one thing young mothers have in common is that they feel that their desirability has bottomed out.

So, if you don't mind kids, and you find her otherwise someone you'd like to get to know better, say something to her. You'll probably make her smile whether she returns your interest or not and you can still chalk it up to doing a good thing, even if she turns you down.

[Alarra]

The last (and only, I think) time that a friend of mine set me up with one of her friends, she went the route of giving us each the others im information first. We then chatted for awhile online (a couple weeks, I think) before meeting one another at an event that our mutual friend and a few others we both knew were both attending. I think that way works a bit better than just being thrown into a date-like situation with someone you don't know at all, especially for those of us that are a bit (or a lot) shy when it comes to new people. Hell, even with the two weeks of talking online myself and said ex barely said a couple sentences to one another most of the night. (We ended up dating for almost 4 years, so that's not necessarily a death sentence for a relationship :smallwink:)

[Zeb The Troll]

Right now I'm actually considering asking a friend to introduce me to someone. Not anyone in particular, just someone dateable.Though I've never tried it, I've read in numerous places that this is an acceptable tactic if you're already trying other avenues, as you are. It gives your friend something to work with when trying to talk you up to a potential introduction. :smallcool:

:haley:So, tell me about Jalor?
:vaarsuvius:Well, he's in this club and this society and this hobby group, and he's all around a smart fun kinda guy.

versus

:haley:So, tell me about Jalor?
:vaarsuvius:Well, he's kind of a homebody who doesn't get out much, but he's all around a smart, fun kinda guy.

[Serpentine]

Okay, this is a pretty stupid question, especially from a regular advice giver,but where the hell do I find girls? My usual advice is to join a team/club/group/society of some sort, but I'm already in plenty of those. I've just run out of girls who are single and haven't already made it clear that they're not interested. I already know just about everyone in my classes, because we're all the exact same frakking honors students as last year. Yes, there are tons of girls around that I haven't met, but I have no way to actually meet them.

Right now I'm actually considering asking a friend to introduce me to someone. Not anyone in particular, just someone dateable.I reckon, sort of instead of getting your friends to introduce you to a specific person, you should talk to your friends about meeting more of their friends in general. Maybe some of them will be available, or maybe you'll become friends with them and they will introduce you to someone available, and so on.

[xPANCAKEx]

Jalor

the problem is if you go out the body language of someone "looking" then it never works. Just go out to meet people and have fun. If however you've got some friends who are 'busy bodies", the type of friend who like to involve themselves in other peoples business then you could try them for playing cupid

[Telonius]

I quite disagree. In this day and age there are plenty of single mothers out there. In fact, they'd probably love to be asked out on a date too, since they probably aren't nearly as often as they'd like because, for women, unlike men, having a child in tow tends to be a huge turnoff for the opposite sex. Even if she is in a relationship, it would probably make her day to know that someone would be interested. In my experience, one thing young mothers have in common is that they feel that their desirability has bottomed out.

So, if you don't mind kids, and you find her otherwise someone you'd like to get to know better, say something to her. You'll probably make her smile whether she returns your interest or not and you can still chalk it up to doing a good thing, even if she turns you down.

Protip: check the left hand first.

[Forever Curious]

Protip: check the left hand first.

I quite concur.

[CrimsonAngel]

You know that guy who dumped my freind for not having sex with him? He's dateing my other friend now. :smallannoyed:

[xPANCAKEx]

You know that guy who dumped my freind for not having sex with him? He's dateing my other friend now. :smallannoyed:

well its fair if you want to give her a friendly warning on the subject - but you can't tell her not to date him. Its her choice after all

[Zeb The Troll]

Protip: check the left hand first.Not all serious relationships are marriage. Not all mothers are married or attached in any other way. My point was to not let the kid hold you back. If you've got other reasons to believe she's not on the market, that's outside the scope of what I was saying in the first place.

[Jalor]

Okay, so a girl who I had thought wasn't interested in me was flirting with me today. She's been sending mixed signals for a few weeks now, but now I figure there's no harm in trying. One of my friends also likes her, but they've been friendly for a while now and he's unlikely to make his move anytime soon. He's known her long enough that I don't think I'll be doing him wrong by asking her out.

Both the girl and the guy are players in my RL D&D game, which might end up awkward. Probably not, because we're all pretty mature. I hope.

[Turnips]

Sigh. Need to rant.

So, my friend has basically ditched me in favour of WoW. Her character is officially more important to her than our friendship.

I'm going to try to be as objective as possible because I'd genuinely like to know if I'm in the wrong here.

So my friend got me into WoW, for a while we were having a blast and all was well. Then it got to the point where we hardly talk at all. I finally got fed up when were talking one time. She'd just gotten her mechano-hog (like a steampunk motorbike) which incidentally I helped pay for, so I asked her if she'd help me level a bit so I could get to 80. (I am level 70) She says "I'm still busy on my character. But okay, I guess." Immediately she retracts this and says she won't help, saying how she had a much harder time getting to 80 back in her day. "You're a frost mage, you should be able to solo fine." I explained that it wasn't the difficulty that bothered me (although I was having trouble in Northrend on my own) so much as it was just slow and dull being by myself. I'd been soloing since about level 60 or so, which was shortly after she got a character transfer to move her old level 80 back to the server we play on. (As I mentioned in my previous posts back on page 14 or so, I paid for her character transfer with my own money) Up until then, she'd been playing a paladin she rolled when I started playing. I told her I'd help her get her paladin to level 70 so we could party together again, but she wasn't interested.

She replied by saying I should "just deal with it" and went on to list a few reasons for why I should be playing on my own. Frankly I got a bit fed up at this point and said, "Okay, fine. ****ing forget about it then," and left the game. She gets on MSN and goes into full nerdrage mode and starts ranting at me how she can't be a babysitter and how it was more difficult for her because she played a rogue, and told me I should delete my character and quit. I didn't reply to any of this.

Now, am I wrong to feel, well, wronged here? God forbid she could do me a favour, considering I paid for her account to be re-activated in the first place, paid for her character transfer to get her level 80 and paid for her Blizzard Authenticator gadget when her account got hacked. All this cost me about 80$. (She repaid me about 20$ over PayPal)

If she just isn't interested in being friends anymore, I wouldn't mind just being TOLD SO, rather than her pretending to be friends in order to get things from me. It's left me feeling used, like she's only my friend when she needs something from me.

Am I the bad guy here?

[Erloas]

Sigh. Need to rant.

So, my friend has basically ditched me in favour of WoW. Her character is officially more important to her than our friendship.


Well there is a reason so many different groups are trying to call WoW (and other online games) addictive and have them treated as such. Some people get very irrational about games, especially online games, and really there isn't a lot anyone else can do about it. Just like anything else in life if you try to tell someone they are acting irrational it just makes them defensive and more likely to make things worse then better.

It sounds like any other situation where someone is being selfish and not wanting to admit it so is trying to project the guilt on someone else.

If she is just a friend and nothing else you either have to ignore it, or confront them about it and see what happens. Confronation probably won't go well, but ignoring it isn't going to change anything either. I would personally recommend leaving WoW, but I've been recommending that for a long time for a lot of different reasons. However thats probably not going to do much to help the situation with your friend because she seems more interested in her WoW character then anything else.

Just closing your account and at least saying you deleted your characters would probably be enough to see how she reacts. And its probably not that she doesn't want to be friends, but it takes some people a long time to realize what they are giving up for a game.

[Keld Denar]

If it makes you feel any better, I lost a girlfriend to WoW (kinda my own fault, I introduced her to it...but she took it to an addicted level). If it makes you feel even better, I've had plenty of girlfriends after her that AREN'T video game addicts. Yea, it sucks, but life goes on. Don't let one chick affect your life if she choses something else (WoW, or anything) over you.

[Pyrian]

So, my friend has basically ditched me in favour of WoW.I've seen marriages dissolve in the throes of MMORPG addiction, so don't feel too bad.


Now, am I wrong to feel, well, wronged here? God forbid she could do me a favour, considering I paid for her account to be re-activated in the first place, paid for her character transfer to get her level 80 and paid for her Blizzard Authenticator gadget when her account got hacked. All this cost me about 80$. (She repaid me about 20$ over PayPal)

If she just isn't interested in being friends anymore, I wouldn't mind just being TOLD SO, rather than her pretending to be friends in order to get things from me. It's left me feeling used, like she's only my friend when she needs something from me.

Am I the bad guy here?Okay, I have to say, your attitude bothers me. When you give of your time and yes, even your money, you don't get to expect anything back for it, except insofar as that was arranged beforehand. I mean, sure, it sucks to always give and never receive, and that's a good clue that they don't care about you as much as you care about them. However... That's entirely the other person prerogative! They don't have to like you. They don't have to give you their time. They don't even have to repay you, unless it was explicitly a loan! And no amount of generosity on your part can take away that freedom.

[xPANCAKEx]

Turnips

first thing - just because you paid for all those things doesn't mean she owes you anything as you did them out of kindness. You can't expect eternal gratitude from her, and as you didn't say "sure i'll lend you the cash if you help me level up to 80" you should expect it from her as a givern

now - onto the main issue. sounds like shes being a ****ty friend. i personally wouldn't spend any more time on her. All those things you ask (help me level) arn't a big deal, although they are a drain on her time. If she's not willing lend you that time in return (or even say "im busy right now, but in a week i'll be good to go" or something similar) then it rings of an imbalanced friendship.

concentrate on the friends you have that are more balanced, give n take wise, and next time she comes asking for stuff you can say "sorry, im a bit busy" and she'll have to deal with it on her own

what i would like to know is all those things you've done (paying for stuff etc) - did YOU offer to do them, or did she ask you to?

[Jalor]

Don't think I was clear enough in my earlier post, so here's the SparkNotes version. There's this girl who I thought only wanted to be friends, but she's been flirting with me. One of my friends likes her too, but he's had plenty of time to ask her out and I have no reason to be charitable. I am going to ask her out tomorrow. If I do not, you all may ridicule me until I do. It's about time I started following my own advice.

[Turnips]

Turnipsfirst thing - just because you paid for all those things doesn't mean she owes you anything as you did them out of kindness. You can't expect eternal gratitude from her, and as you didn't say "sure i'll lend you the cash if you help me level up to 80" you should expect it from her as a givern

OK, that's true. I'm more angry that she appears to not be interested in remaining friends, and basically stopped caring the moment she didn't need me for something, or so it appears.


what i would like to know is all those things you've done (paying for stuff etc) - did YOU offer to do them, or did she ask you to?

I offered, because she's my friend and I wanted to be kind. I'm not pissed off because she won't "pay me back," I'm pissed off because she's not interested in our friendship anymore.


Okay, I have to say, your attitude bothers me. When you give of your time and yes, even your money, you don't get to expect anything back for it, except insofar as that was arranged beforehand. I mean, sure, it sucks to always give and never receive, and that's a good clue that they don't care about you as much as you care about them. However... That's entirely the other person prerogative! They don't have to like you. They don't have to give you their time. They don't even have to repay you, unless it was explicitly a loan! And no amount of generosity on your part can take away that freedom.

Yup, that's all that bothers me really. She apparently no longer wants to be friends, which is totally her perogative, but it bothers me because I like her and enjoy talking to her. If she just said "I don't want to remain friends," I'd be disappointed but that would be that. I don't feel she owes me anything, I don't want to be "paid back" for the stuff I bought her, I just want to hang out.

[Partof1]

Well, we're going to see 9, kinda interesting, but there's a little quirk here. She was tslking to another of our friends, and now she's joining us. Of course, I accept it, she just took quite a hit in gym, and is still one of my closest friends. I'm just not sure hat to make of it. Best I can tell, is the girl I asked out didn't take it completely as a date, which in't terrible, but a little annoying. Does anyone else have some insight here?

[xPANCAKEx]

Well, we're going to see 9, kinda interesting, but there's a little quirk here. She was tslking to another of our friends, and now she's joining us. Of course, I accept it, she just took quite a hit in gym, and is still one of my closest friends. I'm just not sure hat to make of it. Best I can tell, is the girl I asked out didn't take it completely as a date, which in't terrible, but a little annoying. Does anyone else have some insight here?

she may be unsure of the situation/of you just yet so want that safety net there in case the vibe isn;t right

the best thing to do is see how it goes. If it goes well, then ask her out on a second "date" except make the fact that this one is a date more explicit

[Sholos]

How do you know if a girl is flirting with you?

[Mando Knight]

How do you know if a girl is flirting with you?

Error: an analytical solution is nonexistent.

[xPANCAKEx]

How do you know if a girl is flirting with you?

the best answer i can give is: depends on the girl

[Quincunx]

On the mismatched WoW friendship: Everything else you said was correct, and yes your friend the level-capped is completely at fault, but just to make one point--in order to keep on playing with you, with your casual saunter through the levels (which isn't incorrect in itself), the higher-level is ditching all of their usual circles of friends. No matter how blameless the friendship on either side, you're one little noob toon hauling against however many people she knows that don't need in-game (not emotional) coddling. Grouping with the out-of-sync becomes an obligation. Now, be a jerk and apply that sense of obligation to the player of the out-of-sync friend. . .

I would like to know which one of you first suggested the transfer before you reached parity with her usual pool of online groupmates, though. I'm going to bet it was she and she was already bored with fighting all that just to group with you. I won't accept "but I really hate playing a pally" as an excuse either--she could have found a pleasing alt class, powerleveled it to match you, and then continued the killing spree.

[Jalor]

How do you know if a girl is flirting with you?
There's know way to know for sure. Mostly you just suspect it and then act on it. I'm good at recognizing flirting, but just like Pancake said it depends on the girl.

[snoopy13a]

How do you know if a girl is flirting with you?

Guys aren't always the greatest at figuring that out. Often, guys think girls are flirting with them when they aren't and when the girls are actually flirting with them, they miss the signs.

[Partof1]

I have thought of another small dilemma with the movie thing. What good ettiguette would there be as for paying? I had intended to pay for her and me, of course, but with another girl there, how should I deal with that?

[Alarra]

If you want to pay, and have the money. I would pay for all three of you. Otherwise, since with another friend there it's not probably being technically seen as a 'date', most would probably go the route of everyone paying for their own. It could be weird and awkward if you tried to only pay for one of the girls though.

[Partof1]

Yeah, that was my thinking.

[Gem Flower]

Hey guys. I have * drum roll * another question! (I'm kind of asking the male Playgrounders how they might feel in a similar situation.)

So, I'm pretty close friends with the guy I like. We've done some stuff alone together (seen movies), we've talked for hours, and we're comfortable with each other. He's told a few of my friends, and to some extent me, that he intends to ask me out. Unfortunately, we don't go to the same school or anything that would make us see each other on a regular basis. Now, I am a very busy person. Lots of academics and extra-curriculars. I had to cancel our plans last week and we haven't talked since. I'm worried that I might be sending the signal that I'm not interested, as I haven't outright told him how I feel. Do you guys think that my actions could be interpreted as a lack of interest?

[Pyrian]

Now, I am a very busy person. Lots of academics and extra-curriculars. I had to cancel our plans last week and we haven't talked since. I'm worried that I might be sending the signal that I'm not interested, as I haven't outright told him how I feel. Do you guys think that my actions could be interpreted as a lack of interest?If you canceled and didn't re-schedule or otherwise make contact for a while, I'd take that as a probable lack of interest, even knowing that you're very busy. At the very least it says that he's not important enough for you to make any time for.

[Gem Flower]

If you canceled and didn't re-schedule or otherwise make contact for a while, I'd take that as a probable lack of interest, even knowing that you're very busy. At the very least it says that he's not important enough for you to make any time for.

But... But I can't make time out of no time!:smalleek:

[Jack Squat]

But... But I can't make time out of no time!:smalleek:

Did you at least tell him you couldn't make it because you were absolutely swamped?

Try to plan something for sometime when you've got more free time, even if you just leave it that vague. It shows intent that you don't mean to blow him off.

[Gem Flower]

I did tell him how busy I was. He was awed.:smalltongue:

Thanks for the suggestion.:smallsmile:

[Jalor]

Un-frakking-believable. The girl I planned on asking out? All my classes with her are in the morning, and we had benchmark testing today; they put everyone in different classrooms than usual for standardized tests and I didn't get to speak to her all morning. I got c--kblocked by the school district. I'm also doubting my ability to discern flirting in the first place; it might just have been an uneven mixture of the usual mixed signals. Feel free to ridicule me for not finding some way to ask her out today.

But my situation seems to be resolving itself; I went to the movies with several of my friends, many of whom brought their friends. I met four girls who are single and heterosexual*, and we definitely hit it off.
* "Single and heterosexual" is pretty much where my standards begin and end.

[Faulty]

It's simple. You just go up to her, you snap your fingers and you say, "Baby, you and I are goin' out, and that's that." Then you spin her around, wrap your hand around her waist, and kiss her.

I think you have to wear a fedora when you do this but I'm not sure.

[Mando Knight]

It's simple. You just go up to her, you snap your fingers and you say, "Baby, you and I are goin' out, and that's that." Then you spin her around, wrap your hand around her waist, and kiss her.

I think you have to wear a fedora when you do this but I'm not sure.

It also works better when you look like Harrison Ford.

[xyzzy]

Un-frakking-believable. The girl I planned on asking out? All my classes with her are in the morning, and we had benchmark testing today; they put everyone in different classrooms than usual for standardized tests and I didn't get to speak to her all morning. I got c--kblocked by the school district. I'm also doubting my ability to discern flirting in the first place; it might just have been an uneven mixture of the usual mixed signals. Feel free to ridicule me for not finding some way to ask her out today.

But my situation seems to be resolving itself; I went to the movies with several of my friends, many of whom brought their friends. I met four girls who are single and heterosexual*, and we definitely hit it off.
* "Single and heterosexual" is pretty much where my standards begin and end.

I'd say "not homosexual" is a better standard for these things; widens your options a wee bit :smalltongue:

So I'm goin' through lots of fun times at the moment --- I've realized that while a girl who loves sci-fi is pretty awesome, it's much preferable if she has any interests --- any at all, any! --- besides sci-fi. Constant, unending sci-fi. Not a good thing at all. So right now I'm... not really actively pursuing anything. I'm sort of interested in a few different people, but I'm not really worried about it that much; I'm in the honors program at my college, so when I'm in the freshman honor's class next semester I'll get lots of great opportunities to get to know all the smartest people here :smallbiggrin:

...So, no heavy emotional baggage for the rest of ya'll! Just "it ain't goin' anywhere at the moment, but it's all cool."

[xPANCAKEx]

Hey guys. I have * drum roll * another question! (I'm kind of asking the male Playgrounders how they might feel in a similar situation.)

So, I'm pretty close friends with the guy I like. We've done some stuff alone together (seen movies), we've talked for hours, and we're comfortable with each other. He's told a few of my friends, and to some extent me, that he intends to ask me out. Unfortunately, we don't go to the same school or anything that would make us see each other on a regular basis. Now, I am a very busy person. Lots of academics and extra-curriculars. I had to cancel our plans last week and we haven't talked since. I'm worried that I might be sending the signal that I'm not interested, as I haven't outright told him how I feel. Do you guys think that my actions could be interpreted as a lack of interest?

if you've got no time, then a relationship is a no go anyway it would seem

if you are interested in him though, whats stopping you asking him out? It doesn't always have to be the guys job ya know :P

Jalor
take the next opertunity to ask the girl from class out or you'll regret it... as for these other girls? nothing wrong with seeing how it goes with them

[arguskos]

Uh, I need some advice about a confusing place I find myself in. It's not something I am going to share with the boards, but it isn't explicit either (though it could be if prompted, I guess). Would an experienced individual in the ways of dating and life in general care to PM me, if you'd be so kind as to indulge a man who's old beyond his years?

[SDF]

Not really sure if I'm looking for advice or just trying to write this out for myself... either way that's what this is for right?
I've fallen for someone, and pretty hard. The complication (because there HAS to be something, doesn't there) is that she is my best friends little sister. (Lets call her Alice) I've had an idle crush on Alice on and off for a couple of years, but never really thought much of it. In that time I've dated a couple of girls, but I wasn't that into them and it didn't really go anywhere. I'm weary to say that any girl is perfect for me, but we are both attractive people with a similar taste in awesome music, emulator games, pop culture, style, and out there personality. Both smart and single. Sounds good to me. But, it would be pretty awkward to ask her for me, and pretty bad if she says no, (clearly I've built this up a bit) with awkwardness, a bit of shame, and drama I really don't want or need. And, I suppose, I could get over that.

My biggest worry is that we go out for a time and it ends... badly. It potentially could ruin most of what now is my social life, strain things with my best friend, and be bad for Alice too. It seems like a pretty big gamble. And, I'm thinking it is more trouble than it is worth. That I should just let it subside for a while and move on.

[Gem Flower]

if you've got no time, then a relationship is a no go anyway it would seem

if you are interested in him though, whats stopping you asking him out? It doesn't always have to be the guys job ya know :P

I usually have time on the weekends...

I'm afraid to do it myself.:smallfrown:

[Dallas-Dakota]

I'm afraid to do it myself.:smallfrown:
Welcome to our world.:smallwink:

And we're traditionally expected to be the one to ask out the other person.:smalleek::smalltongue:

[Jalor]

I'd say "not homosexual" is a better standard for these things; widens your options a wee bit :smalltongue:
You have a point there. My apologies to any bisexuals and pansexuals whom I may have forgotten.

[Klose_the_Sith]

Welcome to our world.:smallwink:

And we're traditionally expected to be the one to ask out the other person.:smalleek::smalltongue:

I have asked someone out, in person, no more then once over the last year and a bit (at least) and that's after everyone though we were going out and she was basically flashing me.

Asking people out terrifies me, just talking to them about the weather or pokemon is bad enough :smallfrown:

On the plus side the one girl I asked said yes and we're still together. Woo! :smallcool:

[xPANCAKEx]

askinf people out is easy - its not that different than asking a friend if they wanna hang out to be honest, just the consiquences could vary :smallwink: So many people feel they have to make it a big confession of feelings, which in truth it doesn't, and probably helps the situation if its not (you shouldn't have to convince someone to go on a date with you by talking them into it after all). It can even be as simple as a "hey, how'd you like me to take you out for dinner on thursday"

After all, a date may potentially be the start of something, but until that date has gone well and you've hit it off, all it is is two people hanging out enjoying each others company

SDF

sounds like you've built her up a bit. There doesn't have to be drama as long as you act like an adult about things... but unless you knew she was really into you too, i'd probably give it a miss seeing as it would have a knock on effect on your friendship regardless of how the situation panned out

[Dallas-Dakota]

You mean asking people if they wanna hang out is not scary? o.0

[SDF]

You mean asking people if they wanna hang out is not scary? o.0

Err, not normally. :smalleek:

Eerdit:

sounds like you've built her up a bit. There doesn't have to be drama as long as you act like an adult about things... but unless you knew she was really into you too, i'd probably give it a miss seeing as it would have a knock on effect on your friendship regardless of how the situation panned out

I wouldn't say built up. I was trying to denote more close to perfect for me. No pedestal worship, none of that thinking she is better than me/I'm not good enough junk. Just someone whose world views and interests line up incredibly well. Probably right on the last count, though.

[snoopy13a]

I usually have time on the weekends...

I'm afraid to do it myself.:smallfrown:

Call him up and talk for awhile. Right now, he probably thinks you're not interested in him*. So, by contacting him, it should give him enough confidence to ask you out again. If you're free then accept. If he suggests a time when you're busy then suggest another date when you're free.

* A common method girls use to reject guys is to say that they are busy and not to return calls. He may think that you are doing this. By calling him up, you are signaling that he still can ask you out. Remember, you don't have to ask him out, just call him up so that he knows you are still interested.

[skywalker]

Not really sure if I'm looking for advice or just trying to write this out for myself... either way that's what this is for right?
I've fallen for someone, and pretty hard. The complication (because there HAS to be something, doesn't there) is that she is my best friends little sister. (Lets call her Alice) I've had an idle crush on Alice on and off for a couple of years, but never really thought much of it. In that time I've dated a couple of girls, but I wasn't that into them and it didn't really go anywhere. I'm weary to say that any girl is perfect for me, but we are both attractive people with a similar taste in awesome music, emulator games, pop culture, style, and out there personality. Both smart and single. Sounds good to me. But, it would be pretty awkward to ask her for me, and pretty bad if she says no, (clearly I've built this up a bit) with awkwardness, a bit of shame, and drama I really don't want or need. And, I suppose, I could get over that.

My biggest worry is that we go out for a time and it ends... badly. It potentially could ruin most of what now is my social life, strain things with my best friend, and be bad for Alice too. It seems like a pretty big gamble. And, I'm thinking it is more trouble than it is worth. That I should just let it subside for a while and move on.

It worked for Harry and Ginny!!! :smallbiggrin:

[SensFan]

So, I'm back to ask the wonderful people of the Playground for some relationship advice.

So, I'll start with a quick background summary: I'm in my second year at a fairly small University, 5k or so. I live in one of the 3 residence complexes, the smallest one, with 200 or so people. 10 suites of 4 people on each of the 5 floors. The ratio of women:men at the school (and so in Rez as well) is higher than 7:1.

Anyways, so there's this girl that lives across the hall from me, we'll call her Sarah. We've only been here for 4 weeks or so, which is when I met her, and we're not 'friends' per say. She's very nice towards me and we talk at various building events, or whenever we run into each other; we just have never hung out just the two of us.

Today, there was a Thanksgiving potluck dinner. I was seated down at a full-ish table when I saw her walk in, and I moved over a little and called Sarah over, and she came over and ate with me. At one point, she was talking to another friend about a guy of some sort. When I asked her who he was, she replied "just a boy." I asked her if she liked this guy, and she said no, her friend also telling me there was no interest there. But from that point on, I noticed her blushing a fair bit, which always worsened when I teased her about it while nudging her. After the dinner, we said goodbye and headed our various ways.

Basically, do I know her well enough to ask her out? There's only one week of classes left before everyone heads home for a week off, so should I wait until after Reading Week to do anything? When I do ask her, is something like "Can I take you out to dinner sometime?" too subtle? Too blunt?

---

As I'm writing this post, something else happens that has me confused.

During the meal above, I was talking to a friend who asked me if I'm going to the Traffic Jam party tonight (party at the campus bar, basic premise: "Wear Red if you're taken; Yellow if you can be convinced; Green if you're single and ready to mingle"), but I tell her I didn't buy a ticket, and its sold out. She tells me her friend is looking to sel an extra ticket, and so I agree to buy it. The girl in question comes up to my place to make the sale, I've seen her around the building, but only know her name from my friend, and I've never talked to her.

I happen to be wearing a red t-shirt, and she says "Oh, are you wearing that tonight?" "Nah, I just haven't changed yet." "What are you wearing, then?" "Green, I'm single." "Oh, me too. I'll see you there" and she smiles and walks off.

Now, was she just being friendly? Should I read something into her smile and volunteering of the information she is also single? It's times like this I wish women just said what they meant...

[TheBST]

Basically, do I know her well enough to ask her out?

When I do ask her, is something like "Can I take you out to dinner sometime?" too subtle? Too blunt?

Now, was she just being friendly? Should I read something into her smile and volunteering of the information she is also single?

It's times like this I wish women just said what they meant...

1) Getting to know more about her is the whole point of a first date.

2) That depends on her, but the direct approach is usually best. Think fo something more fun than dinner, though.

3) Are you kidding me? Of course it's a hint.

4) Pfft, where's the fun inthat?

[xPANCAKEx]

SensFan

With the impending break, i wouldn't tip your hand just yet. Keeping up the excitement is part of the 'chase' of the early stage of anything new. Next time you talk to her and the reading week break is brought up, or when you see her for the last time before heading off, mention hanging out when you get back. As for asking someone to dinner, i usually use a phrase along the lines of what you mentioned. It doesnt over state anything, and its a causal enough offer to keep the person relaxed

edit: any girl that would get scared off by a phrase like that is either not ready for dating, or just isn't interested.

As for the ticket girl, that sounds an awful lot like flirting - just don't focus on her when you get to the party - mingle and meet new people, and if happen to bump into her, talk and see how things go

[Belkarsbadside1]

All right, you might not remember my previous posts here, but I did gather up the courage to ask a girl out and Im going on our first date tomorrow. Any advice or tips on how not to humiliate myself?

[xPANCAKEx]

All right, you might not remember my previous posts here, but I did gather up the courage to ask a girl out and Im going on our first date tomorrow. Any advice or tips on how not to humiliate myself?

keep in mind that she's agreed to a date as she likes what she's seen so far, so don't get any ideas about trying too hard to impress. What you've been doing so far has obviously worked, so why change that.

don't turn up with gifts (flowers/chocolates especially) as you shouldn't be trying to buy her affection

[Jalor]

take the next opertunity to ask the girl from class out or you'll regret it... as for these other girls? nothing wrong with seeing how it goes with them
I'll be seeing her tomorrow; she's a player in my D&D game. I get the feeling that that would be a bad time/place at which to ask her.

[xPANCAKEx]

I'll be seeing her tomorrow; she's a player in my D&D game. I get the feeling that that would be a bad time/place at which to ask her.

that feeling would be correct - doing it in a social setting is a no-no

but offering to walk her home/to the bus/to her car after and taking the opertunity then wouldn't be such a bad idea. Just don't do it at the start of a session or it would be a whole evening of awkwardness

[Klose_the_Sith]

askinf people out is easy - its not that different than asking a friend if they wanna hang out to be honest, just the consiquences could vary :smallwink: So many people feel they have to make it a big confession of feelings, which in truth it doesn't, and probably helps the situation if its not (you shouldn't have to convince someone to go on a date with you by talking them into it after all). It can even be as simple as a "hey, how'd you like me to take you out for dinner on thursday"

After all, a date may potentially be the start of something, but until that date has gone well and you've hit it off, all it is is two people hanging out enjoying each others company

Maybe - for you.

I, however, have been known to flee rather then risk talking to someone and potentially make a new friend. Literally.

I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard if my mind worked properly and I hadn't been so utterly scarred by my past failures as well as attempts by some people to utterly destroy - but that just isn't the case.

Everything varies and is generally irritatingly complex in spite of seeming simple - dating, if anything, moreso.

[Dallas-Dakota]

(party at the campus bar, basic premise: "Wear Red if you're taken; Yellow if you can be convinced; Green if you're single and ready to mingle"),
Why can't more social events use systems like this?!:smallconfused::smalltongue:

[xPANCAKEx]

Maybe - for you.

I, however, have been known to flee rather then risk talking to someone and potentially make a new friend. Literally.

I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard if my mind worked properly and I hadn't been so utterly scarred by my past failures as well as attempts by some people to utterly destroy - but that just isn't the case.

Everything varies and is generally irritatingly complex in spite of seeming simple - dating, if anything, moreso.

Its actually not that complex, its just that you choose to allow your hang ups to get in the way and make the situation more difficult. Its all fair enough to feel afraid/worried/nervous etc, but letting those nerves get the better of you is a personal choice.

The fact is, regardless of a persons hang-ups, when it comes to the crunch, asking someone still remains easy. Getting to that point is obviously the hard part for some... but if you keep in mind out easy the "end game" is, then the journey there, with all those battles with all your nerves or other potential idiosyncrisies (such as running away) gets a hell of a lot easier.

[Silence]

Well, I just pulled a massive jerk move. This one ranks pretty high on the list of dickish things I've done.

There are four people in this situation, and I'll give you info on them as a reference, just so you don't get confused.

ME - 15 year old guy.
MICHELLE - 17 year old girl that lives five hours away
KORTNEY - 14 year old girl that goes to my school
NATALIE - 15 year old girl that also goes to my school, and is Kortney's cousin.
KAT - 16 year old girl that goes to my school.

Ok, well, you already see how bad this is going to be.

So, I met this girl about six months ago at a convention. She lives five hours away, but I start talking to her over the phone literally EVERY DAY. We eventually fall in love (awwwwwh), but not the stupid teenage emotion that they label love, but is actually just affection born of hormones and obsession, but a deep emotional connection where either of us would take a bullet for the other without even thinking about it. Eventually comes a situation (Sorry, I can't tell the specifics; promised not to, and I keep my promises.) in which Michelle is endangering herself (I know you're thinking suicide or cutting, but it's not that. You won't guess it. It's really weird), and I'm faced with the choice of letting her be in danger, and probably be fine, or telling someone and ruining our relationship. I choose to save her, and now she pretty much hates me.

So, I'm devastated. That was my first relationship ever, and it was pretty intense.

So, then I meet this girl at my school, Kortney, and after about four weeks of knowing each other, we start dating. There are a few reasons I went out with her. One, I wanted a relationship. After what happened with Michelle, I wanted a rebound girl. Two, she was there, and liked me, and I, being the pathetic lonely person I am, would go out with a damp sock if I knew it would say yes. I realize that she's just the rebound girl, and along with a lot of other reasons, we wouldn't work at all, and I break up with her after a week of going out. She's absolutely devastated, and freaks out for about a week.

Now, this whole time, I've known this girl named Natalie, who is, coincidentally, Kortney's cousin. Her and I admit that we have feelings for each other about a week after I break up with Kortney, and start going out.

Yeah, so I go out with a girl for a week, tell her that it just won't work, then wait a week, and start going out with her cousin. Now Kortney, Michelle, and a few of my friends think I'm an jerk, and to add to that, I'm still freaking out about Michelle, and I'm worried that Natalie is just another rebound girl.

So, the big question you're asking yourself here is "Why did you start going out with Natlie?". Great question. She's one of those people that have been hurt so much that they almost stop feeling it, and they begin to reach out for crutches like drugs, alcohol, and sex. Now, I'm not out here to preach to anyone about how drugs, alcohol, and sex is bad, but I think we can all agree that when taken in copious amounts, it can really hurt you.

Natalie needs a crutch she can lean on, and get herself up to her feet. She's told me that she really wants a serious relationship, but I know that she doesn't want one, she NEEDS one. She's just going to keep hurting herself more and more if someone doesn't help her.


Edit: So, I just found out that Kat really likes me, and wanted to go out with me, and now she's pissed at both me and Natlie for going out with each other. Lovely.
So here's my questions:

Am I a jerk for what I did to Michelle, completely betraying her trust in me, and breaking a promise of silence to help her?

Am I a jerk for what I did to Kortney, completely using her for my own good, and then breaking up with her once I realized that I would hurt her?

Should I even go out with Natalie, or should I back off and wait?

Should I go out with ANYONE until I get over Michelle?

[Mando Knight]

I happen to be wearing a red t-shirt, and she says "Oh, are you wearing that tonight?" "Nah, I just haven't changed yet." "What are you wearing, then?" "Green, I'm single." "Oh, me too. I'll see you there" and she smiles and walks off.

Now, was she just being friendly? Should I read something into her smile and volunteering of the information she is also single? It's times like this I wish women just said what they meant...

I'm pretty sure this is a sign that she's interested.

[Dracomorph]

So here's my questions:

Am I a jerk for what I did to Michelle, completely betraying her trust in me, and breaking a promise of silence to help her?

Am I a jerk for what I did to Kortney, completely using her for my own good, and then breaking up with her once I realized that I would hurt her?

Should I even go out with Natalie, or should I back off and wait?

Should I go out with ANYONE until I get over Michelle?

1) What you did to Michelle is not a jerk move; you had a tough choice, and you made it, knowing that it might hurt your relationship with her. Your choice, your answer, don't feel bad about it. That's really all there is to it.

2) Yes, using Kortney strictly for your own benefit makes you kind of a jerk. You used her, and she wasn't expecting that, and that ain't right. Breaking up was the right thing to do, if it was clear that it would hurt her more to stay together with someone who didn't feel the same way she did. It sounds like it was, but dating her as a rebound in the first place was the bad decision.

3) Well, this is tough to give a straight answer to, but first I'm gonna say that no one "needs" a romantic relationship. Usually, when that appears to be the case, they really just need a close friend. Now, you can be a friend and a romancer, but there's a distinction between the two. The real question here is "do you want to date her, as she is now, and as I am now?" If yes, then do it, and see how things go. If no, then don't.

4) Going out with someone might, MIGHT, help you get over Michelle. But, are you ready to get over her? If you aren't prepared to stop thinking about her so much, then you aren't ready to date anyone at all. If she haunts your dreams, but you want her out, then you might be okay to start dating. But only maybe.

[Syka]

1. No, not a jerk move. If her life was in danger, it's OK. Granted, if her life wasn't actually in danger and it was just a generally bad decision it was semi-jerkish but understandable.

2. Yes, that was a jerk move.

3. It's fully up to you. I'd always be wary of someone who NEEDS a relationship, though. It's usually Bad Sign.

4. It depends. If both parties acknowledge that it is something casual or something serious, it's fine. The main problem comes when those desires are mismatched. As long as you can be upfront, you'll be fine. My rebound was an excellent decision because it was exactly what each of us needed at the time, and we were both on the same page.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I'm...confused.

I invited some friends over this weekend, including the girl I asked out, who I still haven't actually gone out with yet (I know, I know. >.<), and one our friends was a huge **** the entire time. He's extremely possessive of her and was being passive-aggressive to all of us if she showed the slightest favor to anyone else, and stormed out of the room when she asked him to move so we could sit next to each other, and again when he came in the room and my arm was around her. I KNOW it's because he's crazy jealous, but as I think about it...I don't think he's my friend. We never hang out together alone, and if I try to strike up a conversation with him, he tends to curtly blow me off or just ignore me. I think he only comes because he doesn't want me being around her without him there. There's a part of me that's tempted to not invite him next time, but he's my best friend's roomie, so...that could get very awkward very quickly. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to him or what about. I know he was yelling at her while they were over this weekend, and she said he was being too possessive and needed to get over it, but nothing seems to change. I'm just...unsure of what to do.

[Mando Knight]

That "friend" is definitely not a friend. Talk it over with the best friend who's the guy's roommate. And just as importantly, avoid getting into situations where you might come into conflict with the guy.

[Syka]

It's actually not that awkward to not invite him. When my friends and I had roommates, it was rare to invite them out with us. We did, but it wasn't all the time or even close to it.

That said, he sounds like a jerk, particularly to the girl in question. Possessiveness is a turnoff, but possessiveness of someone with whom you don't even have a relationship is....offensive and annoying, at best.



Jack, the guy who went all psycho and such, just messaged me, in other news. He'd called Oz about a week ago or so, and they chatted for a bit. I haven't heard from him since August though so...it's slightly awkward. Not really sure how to handle it, since I don't want to be too friendly and have Jill get pissed at me if she finds out, but I don't want to blow him off, either. I have a feeling I'll be sticking with "Hi. What's up?" (seeing as his message was "heeey.").

From the position of someone whose friend is now speaking with your ex with whom it ended on bad terms...how bad would that be? lol I've never been on that end of it...or any end of it, actually.

[Coidzor]

^: Syka: It really, really pisses me off and gets my goat that my ex and my best friend still talk occasionally. But I can live with it because they're not really close friends or anything. And it's bothering me less as time goes by and my feelings for her die.



Cobesy Ikarante: Well, first off. They're not dating, right? So that's bad that he's acting like that because he's just being a **** and not even protecting some kind of perceived vested interest. It'd be worse if they were dating because he'd be one of those guys just a hair's breadth away from beating her, but, whatever.

He's being a right prat and as such you have no obligation to invite him to anything.

If you're actually friends, you have an obligation to point out to him that he's being a ***** and to just stop it already before you all get sick of him being a big baby.

If you're just acquaintances, then you have no obligations to him at all, really.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Cobesy Ikarante: Well, first off. They're not dating, right? So that's bad that he's acting like that because he's just being a **** and not even protecting some kind of perceived vested interest. It'd be worse if they were dating because he'd be one of those guys just a hair's breadth away from beating her, but, whatever.

He's being a right prat and as such you have no obligation to invite him to anything.

If you're actually friends, you have an obligation to point out to him that he's being a ***** and to just stop it already before you all get sick of him being a big baby.

If you're just acquaintances, then you have no obligations to him at all, really.

They're not dating. He's asked her out several times, she's alays turned him down, and he claims to be over her. I don't believe it, but...that really cuts out any justification he could have.

And we hang out as a group of friends, but this weekend made me realize that I'm the one who initiates most everything with him, and if it's just the two of us, he's rude and curt and impossible to chat with, and refuses to do anything with me.

It's awkward to be hanging out with someone, and look up, and see another person glaring at you. Or to have him mention he had a dream where you died, and then play it off as everyone else dying too, or something. Like...this guy reaaaally creeps me out. But since I spend more time there, at my best friend's place, than they do at mine...I don't want to cause a huge fight or something. >.<

[Jalor]

Am I a jerk for what I did to Michelle, completely betraying her trust in me, and breaking a promise of silence to help her?
Debatable. I've kept others out of a friend's situation that could be resolved by just telling my parents, simply because he insisted on my silence (he doesn't want to ruin the lives of his own parents). Did she keep it a secret in order to protect someone else? Was her life in danger?

Am I a jerk for what I did to Kortney, completely using her for my own good, and then breaking up with her once I realized that I would hurt her?
Yes. That was bad.

Should I even go out with Natalie, or should I back off and wait?
That's your decision, although from your description of her you should probably leave well enough alone. Although I am a proponent of drugs, alcohol, and sex, girls like her tend to do more harm than good.

Should I go out with ANYONE until I get over Michelle?
That's also your decision.
---
Also, my friends need to update their relationship status on Facebook when it, you know, changes. A friend showed up for D&D today, sat in his usual spot, then stood up and moved to a side of the table with only one chair. When I gave him a look, he replied "Shouldn't [male player] sit with [the girl]?". I must have looked rather befuddled, so he went on to explain that they've been dating for weeks. I specifically checked the girl's relationship status on Facebook yesterday, and she's listed as "single". I know for a fact that none of my friends are polyamorous, so... that's another girl I know who isn't single.

Meh, one door closes...

[xPANCAKEx]

Silence

1.Michelle - Depends how you mean "endangering herself". It wasn't your job to babysit her. You could offer her advice, and when the bad things bite her in the ass, you just have to tell her to accept the consiquences. Telling other people, even with the best of intentions, had consiquences - what you did (ie: trying to help her) may have been done with the best of intentions, but you have to accept your own consiquences of that. If she wants to break up with you over good intentions then you have to look back and ask yourself was she really the girl you wanted to be with

2. Kortney - If you were upfront about it being a rebound you wouldn't be a jerk. But as you wern't... yep... you're a douche. One mitigating factor is shes only 14. Shes going to take ANY break up badly, like its the end of the world. Still doesn't make what you did any less sucky

3. Nat - STEER WELL CLEAR. Dating you will not solve her problems.

4. exactly what sykatron said

as for kat - shes jealous and doesn't know how to handle it. steer clear.

Cobra

take the girl out already

as for the guy being posessive: thats up for the girl to deal with - which she sounds like she's doing.
As for him being an ass-hat to you: next time, just pull him aside, ask him if hes got a problem with you. If he doesn't give you a good reason then tell him to drop the attitude or he's not welcome at your place. If you do this at HIS place (when seeing your best friend) then let your best friend know that you're uncomfortable being there and leave. Its out of line to be rude without reason to other peoples houseguests and its up to your friend to deal with him when hes rude in their house.

if he carries on being rude, let your friend know not to invite the guy over with him anymore - his attitude stinks and he's not welcome. Even if it makes things a little uncomfortable, you'll just have to suck it up. Show some back bone on the issue and keep your self respect intact

Syka

you can still speak to him. If jill goes off the deep end about it, let her know that you're less than pleased with him, but he was/is your friend and deserves a chance to be heard out

[Coidzor]

And we hang out as a group of friends, but this weekend made me realize that I'm the one who initiates most everything with him, and if it's just the two of us, he's rude and curt and impossible to chat with, and refuses to do anything with me.

It's awkward to be hanging out with someone, and look up, and see another person glaring at you. Or to have him mention he had a dream where you died, and then play it off as everyone else dying too, or something. Like...this guy reaaaally creeps me out. But since I spend more time there, at my best friend's place, than they do at mine...I don't want to cause a huge fight or something. >.<

Cobra. He doesn't like you. You don't like him. Don't be a passive-aggressive idiot, just dump the SOB.

Your friends can't much like the **** he's doing, and you don't have to put up with someone being that much of a **** to you anyway. YEESH.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Cobra

take the girl out already

I will. I'm about to call her and try to set something up for next weekend.


the guy being posessive: thats up for the girl to deal with - which she sounds like she's doing.
As for him being an ass-hat to you: next time, just pull him aside, ask him if hes got a problem with you. If he doesn't give you a good reason then tell him to drop the attitude or he's not welcome at your place. If you do this at HIS place (when seeing your best friend) then let your best friend know that you're uncomfortable being there and leave. Its out of line to be rude without reason to other peoples houseguests and its up to your friend to deal with him when hes rude in their house.

Mmm. I do ask him if he has a problem with me, and he insists he doesn't, that he's upset with someone, and something is wrong, but that he doesn't want to talk about it. I probably should confront him, though...


if he carries on being rude, let your friend know not to invite the guy over with him anymore - his attitude stinks and he's not welcome. Even if it makes things a little uncomfortable, you'll just have to suck it up. Show some back bone on the issue and keep your self respect intact

Mmm. It's not a back-bone thing. I stand up for myself, when he's overtly ****. I'm just...trying not to screw things up more than they already are. And not make it a "me or him" decision for my friends. Even though I know most of them would side with me.

[xPANCAKEx]

I will. I'm about to call her and try to set something up for next weekend.


next weekend? thats an ice age away - whats it take to light a fire under you, laddo ;)


Mmm. I do ask him if he has a problem with me, and he insists he doesn't, that he's upset with someone, and something is wrong, but that he doesn't want to talk about it. I probably should confront him, though...

well in that case he DEFINATELY needs to drop the attitude. Its one thing to have a crappy day (we all have those) but to take it out on other people is unfair and you can politely ask him to leave as he's putting a bad vibe on everyone elses good time without being seen as unreasonable. When you're out for a goodtime, you leave your baggage at home. Can't manage that? stay in. simple as that. Its part of being an adult.


Mmm. It's not a back-bone thing. I stand up for myself, when he's overtly ****. I'm just...trying not to screw things up more than they already are. And not make it a "me or him" decision for my friends. Even though I know most of them would side with me.


you're looking at it wrong.

Its not screwed up to ask your best friend to have a word with their room mate over what is frankly intollerable behavior. If he's unwilling because it will make things a little inconvieniant for him for a while, then hes not exactly a good friend

the reason why "most" of them would side with you is the guy sounds totally out of line, so you'd be well within bounds to make such a request. Im suprised you haven't long before now.

[Cobra_Ikari]

next weekend? thats an ice age away - whats it take to light a fire under you, laddo ;)

Oh, there's a fire lit, trust me. I just have waaay too much work between now and then to do anything sooner. And she invited me over for dinner and cake (well...the other two guys, too, but they live next door to her. Whereas she asked me to come to town. I think that's a good thing? I dunno.)


well in that case he DEFINATELY needs to drop the attitude. Its one thing to have a crappy day (we all have those) but to take it out on other people is unfair and you can politely ask him to leave as he's putting a bad vibe on everyone elses good time without being seen as unreasonable. When you're out for a goodtime, you leave your baggage at home. Can't manage that? stay in. simple as that. Its part of being an adult.

Mmm. I feel I should point out that we live 2 hours away from each other, but yeah, I know. His attitude...isn't really excusable.


you're looking at it wrong.

Its not screwed up to ask your best friend to have a word with their room mate over what is frankly intollerable behavior. If he's unwilling because it will make things a little inconvieniant for him for a while, then hes not exactly a good friend

the reason why "most" of them would side with you is the guy sounds totally out of line, so you'd be well within bounds to make such a request. Im suprised you haven't long before now.

He's not unwilling. It's more me being unwilling to make him do it. I suppose I just have to suck it up and talk with him, and...hope for the best.

...I feel I should mention that the guy HAS flipped out and attacked me before. Not that I'm afraid of him, more...just not wanting to escalate things. I could most likely take him alone, and my friends would back me up or stop him if it happened, but that doesn't mean I want to fight him over him being a jealous posessive jerk. >.<

[xPANCAKEx]

He's not unwilling. It's more me being unwilling to make him do it. I suppose I just have to suck it up and talk with him, and...hope for the best.

...I feel I should mention that the guy HAS flipped out and attacked me before. Not that I'm afraid of him, more...just not wanting to escalate things. I could most likely take him alone, and my friends would back me up or stop him if it happened, but that doesn't mean I want to fight him over him being a jealous posessive jerk. >.<

you really shouldn't have to "make him" do it - if you're a polite/curtious guest and hes still a douche, its your friends responsibility to say "oi, back off". If you do have a word with him, i suggest sticking strictly on his treatment of you. Don't even mention the lass or bring her into it. It wile be a conversation solely about him being a jerk to you. After all - his possessiveness is irrational, and by asking him if its the cause it almost inadvertantly adds weight and gives some credibility to it. Treat him like a sane sensible adult.

As for him attacking you - well, then once again, its your friends DUTY to step in. If the guy is over stepping the line that bad and your friends done squat then i'd pull him up on it

[skywalker]

4) Going out with someone might, MIGHT, help you get over Michelle. But, are you ready to get over her? If you aren't prepared to stop thinking about her so much, then you aren't ready to date anyone at all. If she haunts your dreams, but you want her out, then you might be okay to start dating. But only maybe.

Why wait? No time like the present, no day but today.


^: Syka: It really, really pisses me off and gets my goat that my ex and my best friend still talk occasionally. But I can live with it because they're not really close friends or anything. And it's bothering me less as time goes by and my feelings for her die.

My best friend found out I was hanging out with her ex and she completely stopped talking to me forever. You know when you're close with an SO, they tend to get close with your friends. It's not their fault when you break up, and you shouldn't make anyone choose, ever. Even if it ended on bad terms, I think it's generally the mature thing to say "we both had a hand in this ending," and that a friend who... "plays both sides" is not dis-believing either person when stories differ.

[Ishmael]

Hey guys,

I've posted a bunch here already about my own dating situation--for those of you who don't remember, which is probably most of you, I've been dating this awesome boy for about a month now. And he, for various reasons, including parents, school, family obligations, extracurricular stuff, has been unable to see me on a consistent basis...the last two weekends, for instance, he's been too busy juggling family stuff with play rehearsal and other stuff. Being in High School, his time is already constricted, and completely dependent upon the judgment of others.

Well, I'm ok dealing with only seeing him occasionally. That's fine, he's totally worth it. But it's like, in the interim, things have really changed...it's like, I'm getting the vibe that he's not as interested anymore. Over summer, we used to text each other like constantly, and our messages would be all flirty, attracted to each other, interested...and frequent. And once I met him, and school began, things have gotten so much more labored, so much more clipped, etc. And I understand if he's really busy, and can't afford to text me constantly, but still...the lack of real communication, coupled with the distance and infrequent meetings, has really begun to make me anxious and insecure and unhappy. He apparently can't call me because his parents would ask questions about who he's calling--he's closeted to them, btw...but I think that's a fairly lame excuse, but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding needy or confrontational...

Our last date was so fantastic. It ended with both of us giving each other our first kiss, and it was so romantic, and beautiful, and awesome. I ended that day absolutely radiantly happy. And he swears that he's happy dating me, that he wants to see me, and that he's really sorry that he keeps ruining our plans to meet...and I have to take what he says and believe it.

I mean, I know I don't rank as high on his list of priorities as he does to me...he's really busy, he's still in High School, and he has a lot of concerns...and I know that I'm probably making things more dramatic and thinking about this issue way too much, reading too much into little things, etc.

But it's like, he used to be the one complimenting me, texting me, interested in me. It was a mutual thing...we were both so into each other. But it feels like he's just sort of going with the flow, keeping along, and biding his time...I don't know, there are times where I feel like he's already mentally broken up with me, he just doesn't have the courage to actually do so. But I don't want that, I don't want to break things off, I want to see him! I understand if he can't offer me what I want--a boyfriend--that in his high school situation, that's just impossible, he doesn't have the time or freedom. But I don't want to break things off, just because of something like time! I don't want to never see him again, never talk to him again, cut him from my life and just forget...no, I want to keep on seeing him, dating him, progressing, however slowly and unconventionally...

I know, I'm over-intellectualizing , over-analyzing, and over-dramatizing this. I know I just need to be chill, just live in the moment, and stop thinking constantly about him...but it's so hard to take my own advice...I'm sure things will work out in time, in some way or the other. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and it's going to be at least two weeks until I see him again, since I'm getting surgery next week and flying back home. But it's so difficult. I can bide my time, and patiently wait to see him. But I can't deal with waiting without communication, some sort of hope. I need him to throw me a bone, god damn it! I feel like this entire thing involves so much stress, drama, and anxiety, and then, when we're together, so much happiness. It's like an emotional roller coaster, except that recently there's been a lot more downs than ups.

I recorded a video yesterday where I basically expressed these concerns to him. Hopefully he'll respond. I really want this to work out...I'm so happy when I'm with him, and I know he really enjoys it too. We're both so good for each other. But I hate drama. And I'm sick of being so dependent upon his messages for my own happiness. I'm becoming emotional, pathetic, and insecure, and that's so different than my normal state.

Blah. Sorry, this is more of a rant than anything else...

[Jalor]

He apparently can't call me because his parents would ask questions about who he's calling--he's closeted to them, btw...but I think that's a fairly lame excuse, but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding needy or confrontational...
It's a perfectly reasonable excuse. Most Americans over 30 are terrified of non-heterosexuals. My parents panic if I'm on the phone with an older male friend for "too long", or if they see me hug a guy, even though they've seen me kiss girls and know I'm straight. They're probably a special case, but I've still never heard of anyone's parents being okay with their kids coming out.

It seems like you're already trying to resolve the situation, so points for that.

Also, my friends need to update their relationship status on Facebook when it, you know, changes. A friend showed up for D&D today, sat in his usual spot, then stood up and moved to a side of the table with only one chair. When I gave him a look, he replied "Shouldn't [male player] sit with [the girl]?". I must have looked rather befuddled, so he went on to explain that they've been dating for weeks. I specifically checked the girl's relationship status on Facebook yesterday, and she's listed as "single". I know for a fact that none of my friends are polyamorous, so... that's another girl I know who isn't single.

Meh, one door closes...This got buried in the flood of posts.

[xPANCAKEx]

Ishmael

as much as you may not want to, if the current relationship doesn't work for you, then call it off. It may be that when his schedual stops being so busy he can manage a relationship but right now it sounds like its just making you unhappy over all (inspite of the good times). In all fairness it doesn't sound like much has changed since your last past, other than his busy schedual is presenting itself in different ways.

but if you want to continue, then sorry, you'll just have to suck it up and not complain - thems the breaks

Jalor

facebook status isn't the be-all and end all

[snoopy13a]

It's a perfectly reasonable excuse. Most Americans over 30 are terrified of non-heterosexuals. My parents panic if I'm on the phone with an older male friend for "too long", or if they see me hug a guy, even though they've seen me kiss girls and know I'm straight. They're probably a special case, but I've still never heard of anyone's parents being okay with their kids coming out.

It seems like you're already trying to resolve the situation, so points for that.
This got buried in the flood of posts.

I don't think "terrified" is the right word. Most people range from accepting to tolerant when it comes to aquintances and co-workers who are gay. What some people are worried about is that their child may be homosexual, if only for the lesser chance of grandchildren.

[The Extinguisher]

I need to work up some courage. There's this really cute girl in my Astronomy class, and we happen to have the same break before the class, so we're usually sitting in the same hallway waiting for class to start. I really want to strike up a conversation, but I'm not sure what to say.

Yikes, I'm pathetic....
But at least it's better than being depressed about an ex.

[xPANCAKEx]

I need to work up some courage. There's this really cute girl in my Astronomy class, and we happen to have the same break before the class, so we're usually sitting in the same hallway waiting for class to start. I really want to strike up a conversation, but I'm not sure what to say.

try small talk - just a simple "hey, hows it going" to get a conversation started. follow it up with a "you have a good weekend?" and see where it goes from there

[Klose_the_Sith]

Its actually not that complex, its just that you choose to allow your hang ups to get in the way and make the situation more difficult. Its all fair enough to feel afraid/worried/nervous etc, but letting those nerves get the better of you is a personal choice.

The fact is, regardless of a persons hang-ups, when it comes to the crunch, asking someone still remains easy. Getting to that point is obviously the hard part for some... but if you keep in mind out easy the "end game" is, then the journey there, with all those battles with all your nerves or other potential idiosyncrisies (such as running away) gets a hell of a lot easier.

This isn't as simple as you might think - shoddy parenting and the like has actually left me scarred, to the extent where I can't do any of that. You telling me that that is simple is, as I say, all well and good for you but I refuse to just say "oh, you're right, I don't have anxiety issues that have been documented by therapists - I've just got to TRY HARDER".

I'm not going to take this as your intention and I don't think any less of this, as it's probably just a misunderstanding, but I still find that extremely insulting.

[skywalker]

Jalor

facebook status isn't the be-all and end all

+1

I was single for 6 months but didn't tell facebook because I hate the damn singles ads along the side of the page... And vice versa. I find it best to just not put a relationship status at all up there.

[SensFan]

Sigh. And this is where the timing of the break completely sucks.

I know I'm going to be asking her out in two weeks. That's two whole weeks doe nerves, anxiety, and everything else inside of me to try and talk me out of it, or otherwise make it a whole lot harder than if I could just walk across the hall now and do it.

I know there isn't really anything any of you can say to help this particular issue. I'm just venting.

[Cobra_Ikari]

you really shouldn't have to "make him" do it - if you're a polite/curtious guest and hes still a douche, its your friends responsibility to say "oi, back off". If you do have a word with him, i suggest sticking strictly on his treatment of you. Don't even mention the lass or bring her into it. It wile be a conversation solely about him being a jerk to you. After all - his possessiveness is irrational, and by asking him if its the cause it almost inadvertantly adds weight and gives some credibility to it. Treat him like a sane sensible adult.

As for him attacking you - well, then once again, its your friends DUTY to step in. If the guy is over stepping the line that bad and your friends done squat then i'd pull him up on it

Ah. Well, I was chatting with my best friend just now, and he DID talk with him about it. So, apparently, things might be better now? Still don't think this guy and me will ever be friends. Ah, well.

On the other side of things, unfortunately, I was also chatting with the girl I liked, and she apparently didn't realize that when I asked her out, I mean on a date. I had no idea you could ask someone to go out with you and not mean a date. *shrugs*...so I think I may have gotten turned down...ish? She said she didn't think of me that way, and then changed her mind, and said she didn't mean anything she said, and could we just start everything over and talk it out in person?

So, 2 things remain. 1- Figure out what the hell is going on. 2- Recognize that I will NEVER. UNDERSTAND. WOMEN. =P

[xPANCAKEx]

Ah. Well, I was chatting with my best friend just now, and he DID talk with him about it. So, apparently, things might be better now? Still don't think this guy and me will ever be friends. Ah, well.

On the other side of things, unfortunately, I was also chatting with the girl I liked, and she apparently didn't realize that when I asked her out, I mean on a date. I had no idea you could ask someone to go out with you and not mean a date. *shrugs*...so I think I may have gotten turned down...ish? She said she didn't think of me that way, and then changed her mind, and said she didn't mean anything she said, and could we just start everything over and talk it out in person?

So, 2 things remain. 1- Figure out what the hell is going on. 2- Recognize that I will NEVER. UNDERSTAND. WOMEN. =P

glad to hear your friends done the right thing about that guy. As long as you can remain civil you'll be fine

as for the girl - weeeeell that seems a lot more complicated. From what you've said i'd go into the situation assuming that she likes you, but is just a bit nervous is all. Prepare for the worst, but go in there with positive body language expecting the best. After all - if she didn't like you, she would have just left it at "i dont think of you like that" - it may be a case of shes never considered you like that CONSCIOUSLY before... but i suppose you'll only find out for sure when you talk to her

[Pyrian]

So, 2 things remain. 1- Figure out what the hell is going on. 2- Recognize that I will NEVER. UNDERSTAND. WOMEN. =PSee, if you really recognized #2, you'd understand that #1 isn't likely. :smallwink:

[arguskos]

See, if you really recognized #2, you'd understand that #1 isn't likely. :smallwink:
*sigh* Womenfolk be confusing, I've got to say. :smallwink:

At least everyone knows it now! :smallbiggrin:

[Dracomorph]

This isn't as simple as you might think - shoddy parenting and the like has actually left me scarred, to the extent where I can't do any of that. You telling me that that is simple is, as I say, all well and good for you but I refuse to just say "oh, you're right, I don't have anxiety issues that have been documented by therapists - I've just got to TRY HARDER".

I'm not going to take this as your intention and I don't think any less of this, as it's probably just a misunderstanding, but I still find that extremely insulting.

Look, simple isn't the same as easy. You obviously don't find it easy to talk to new people, what with having those anxiety issues and all. I can respect that. But that doesn't make it complicated.

Think of it as having a brick wall to break down with a ball-peen hammer. It's very straightforward, but it's also really frakking hard.

[Turnips]

I would like to know which one of you first suggested the transfer before you reached parity with her usual pool of online groupmates, though. I'm going to bet it was she and she was already bored with fighting all that just to group with you. I won't accept "but I really hate playing a pally" as an excuse either--she could have found a pleasing alt class, powerleveled it to match you, and then continued the killing spree.

She suggested it.

[Silence]

@Syka, Dracomorph, Jalor, and xPANCAKEx: Ok, thanks. Yeah, I tried to be as upfront as possible with telling Kortney the truth... Also, Michelle's LIFE was in danger, and now that I really think about it, it would be a sin not to tell anyone. Ugh...

But one question for ya'll: Should I really stay away from Natalie? Am I going to be dragged into that sort of lifestyle, or is it actually possible that I'll help her in our relationship? I've already told her that we can't have sex (my faith and all), and she's agreed to that, so I don't really see a problem with going out with her.

I really do like her and have feelings for her, and can see this going somewhere. We had a great date Sunday :D

[Jack Squat]

OK. I've gone back and forth several times on whether or not to actually post this, and still haven't decided. If I should. I really just need to formulate the thoughts scattering through my head, and maybe some reassurance that I'm not completely bonkers.

Now, I've been in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years. Last year, my girlfriend went off to college in Atlanta, so it's been long distance for most of the past year and a half. Last year worked out fine. This year, I'm not too sure.

Before she headed off to school in early August, she seemed to get a little distant, and kept saying she was tired when we were together. I decided to let it slide, figuring she was just coming down with something. I asked a time or two early on if anything was wrong, and she said no, so I left it at that. Now I feel as if I should have pursued the matter more.

She came back up this weekend because of Fall Break. Thing is, she didn't tell me beforehand (though she mentioned being excited about the band going down to Panama City Beach next weekend). I had known before, as I knew her schedule and that she didn't go to the football game this week, but the only way I knew for certain she was here was by a facebook status.

I tried to see if we could get together, and she mentioned possibly today, seeing as she had a lot of work to do. End any sort of interaction besides Facebook poking. However, through other people's statuses (and a blog update by her), I know she's been shopping for her sister's wedding (which so far as I know still doesn't have a date set) and re-watching a few movies.

Now, I was busy and had some work to do. I was gone for 16 hours this weekend, and still managed to pull off all my work (6 pages of lecture journals, accounting hw, and some studying) by Saturday night. I was motivated to free up time. I'm not so sure she was (this is paranoid me talking - logical me would like to state that she's pretty lazy when it comes to work of any sort and has a short attention span)

Last night, I prodded about today, and asked for a time, and continued to do so through today. As of now, I'll be heading over in about an hour. She turned down my suggestion of seeing zombieland because she wanted to stay at home. I fully intend to ask if there's anything she wants to talk about (My gut is screaming yes, and paranoid me is making me so nervous about what it is that I had to choke down half a sandwich for dinner). But I feel she won't say anything, as par the course. This worries me, as I don't know how to continue making sure everything is fine if she can't communicate when/if something's wrong. This is probably due in part because it's hard for me to effectively show my emotions since I grew up turning everything in on myself.

I've got two ideas of what could be going on. Paranoid me says she's losing interest, and the rest of me is trying to convince myself that she's just taking me being there for granted. I guess I'll find out tonight.

Feel free to comment on this how you please, but it's not necessary. It just calms me down knowing that this is off my chest and someone is going to know this.

[Partof1]

W00t! Good date. She invited one of our friends, but it was no problem. Kind of good for the self esteem, I guess, that someone was worried about screwing up a date with me:smallsmile:

Now, when should I talk about a 2nd date, and what would be good? I was thinking getting lunch and hanging out around the smaller city we live near.

[Dragonrider]

W00t! Good date. She invited one of our friends, but it was no problem. Kind of good for the self esteem, I guess, that someone was worried about screwing up a date with me:smallsmile:

Whoawhoawhoa! Where's that assumption coming from? I mean, it could be true, but if I were to go on a date and bring a friend it would likely be because I didn't want it to be a date...:smalltongue:

I don't wanna burst your bubble. But just...yeah.

[Jalor]

I don't think "terrified" is the right word. Most people range from accepting to tolerant when it comes to aquintances and co-workers who are gay. What some people are worried about is that their child may be homosexual, if only for the lesser chance of grandchildren.
I suppose you're right, although that doesn't actually change my advice.

But one question for ya'll: Should I really stay away from Natalie? Am I going to be dragged into that sort of lifestyle, or is it actually possible that I'll help her in our relationship? I've already told her that we can't have sex (my faith and all), and she's agreed to that, so I don't really see a problem with going out with her.
You already answered your question.
I really do like her and have feelings for her, and can see this going somewhere. We had a great date Sunday :D

Whoawhoawhoa! Where's that assumption coming from? I mean, it could be true, but if I were to go on a date and bring a friend it would likely be because I didn't want it to be a date...:smalltongue:
Unfortunately true. Inviting a friend usually means she's apprehensive about it.

[Pyrian]

But I feel she won't say anything, as par the course. This worries me, as I don't know how to continue making sure everything is fine if she can't communicate when/if something's wrong. This is probably due in part because it's hard for me to effectively show my emotions since I grew up turning everything in on myself.

I've got two ideas of what could be going on. Paranoid me says she's losing interest, and the rest of me is trying to convince myself that she's just taking me being there for granted. I guess I'll find out tonight.Hi Jack. I guess by the time you get this message you'll probably already know more. I hate to say it, but I've seen a lot of breakups preceded by that sort of distancing behavior. My first girlfriend told me afterwards that she was really hoping that if she treated me badly enough I'd dump her and spare her the trouble of dumping me. :smallyuk:

Anyway, assuming this is still an issue, I would approach it from the opposite angle. Tell her that being treated dismissively is unacceptable to you. (It should be, from an SO, anyway.)

[xPANCAKEx]

silence

the danger is she'd become dependant on you... and thats never a healthy relationship. You shouldn't get with someone in the hopes of "fixing" them (or vice versa) - you should be with them because they make you happy

Partof1

gunna have to echo deeree here - someone bringing a chaperone is never exactly condusive to romance. Ask her on a second date, and this time make it explicite that its a date, and you'll soon find where you stand

Jack Squat

what pyrian said +1

From what you've said, it does sound like a lack of interest on her part im afraid. It might be that she is "just" taking you for granted, but that needs to be discussed. If shes not making enough time to care for you (or your emotional needs - people need to make time for their partners), it think its in your own best interests to call things. It will allow you time and space to focus on taking care of yourself, and maybe give her the kick up the backside to make more time for you and get herself sorted out

[Jack Squat]

Hi Jack. I guess by the time you get this message you'll probably already know more. I hate to say it, but I've seen a lot of breakups preceded by that sort of distancing behavior. My first girlfriend told me afterwards that she was really hoping that if she treated me badly enough I'd dump her and spare her the trouble of dumping me. :smallyuk:

Anyway, assuming this is still an issue, I would approach it from the opposite angle. Tell her that being treated dismissively is unacceptable to you. (It should be, from an SO, anyway.)

It's not too late. I'm heading out in about 20-30 minutes.

I was basically going to go that route anyways, but thanks for reaffirming what I was going after. I mean, I know she's busy, so that's what I was chalking up the not-talking to. Engineering degrees are tough.

I hate it when my paranoia is right. :smallsigh:

[Belkarsbadside1]

All right, you might have seen my previous posts but heres my problem. I asked the girl I liked out A couple weeks ago, but every time we scheduled a datee. Something came up and prevented her from coming. This is the third time this happened. Now My other problem is that while I have been waiting to get a date with her, someone else has caught my eye and I might want to start dating her instead of the other girl. Should I just Cancel my current plans with my original girl and ask teh second girl out? or should I just continue on my planned date with the original and hope for the best and see if I might actually like her more.

[Dragonrider]

All right, you might have seen my previous posts but heres my problem. I asked the girl I liked out A couple weeks ago, but every time we scheduled a datee. Something came up and prevented her from coming. This is the third time this happened. Now My other problem is that while I have been waiting to get a date with her, someone else has caught my eye and I might want to start dating her instead of the other girl. Should I just Cancel my current plans with my original girl and ask teh second girl out?

I'd go for this. It sounds like the first girl may not be that interested. :smalltongue:

[Pyrian]

Dude, you're not in a committed relationship just because you asked someone out and they keep putting it off. Date them both if they give you the chance. After three put-offs, though, I wouldn't expect too much from first girl...

[xPANCAKEx]

+1 what deeree and pyrian said

and re: the first girl - i wouldn't make any further effort. If she wants a date with you, she'll have to come do the asking and tell you when shes free. If shes cancelled three times and not tried to reschedual with you, i wouldn't spend any further time on it. She may not be interested, or she may just be too busy for dating, so you shouldn't let her problems hold you back

[Belkarsbadside1]

All right thanks. I know for a fact that shes trying hard to see me, but true coincidences sprung up to stop the dates. First two were family emergencies, and the third was a job emergency. Bothe were verified by an unbiased third party. Anyways. I think I will give her one last shot and if that fails, I will move on.

[xPANCAKEx]

All right thanks. I know for a fact that shes trying hard to see me, but true coincidences sprung up to stop the dates. First two were family emergencies, and the third was a job emergency. Bothe were verified by an unbiased third party. Anyways. I think I will give her one last shot and if that fails, I will move on.

let her be the one to set it up - if she really its "trying hard" to see you, then you won't have to wait too long

until then, see how things go with the other girl

[Dracomorph]

@Syka, Dracomorph, Jalor, and xPANCAKEx: Ok, thanks. Yeah, I tried to be as upfront as possible with telling Kortney the truth... Also, Michelle's LIFE was in danger, and now that I really think about it, it would be a sin not to tell anyone. Ugh...

But one question for ya'll: Should I really stay away from Natalie? Am I going to be dragged into that sort of lifestyle, or is it actually possible that I'll help her in our relationship? I've already told her that we can't have sex (my faith and all), and she's agreed to that, so I don't really see a problem with going out with her.

I really do like her and have feelings for her, and can see this going somewhere. We had a great date Sunday :D

Well, the way I'd put it is that it's generally a bad idea. Your specific situation could be an exception, and you know her better than we do.

It's not just that she could drag you into her lifestyle, btw. As Pancake said, she could become dependent on you, and that's undesirable all around, really. Still, you know better than we do how likely that is, and I think the important thing is that you know to consider it as a possibility.

[Syka]

Silence, I didn't mention her lifestyle. That's not a problem. The problem is her saying she NEEDS a relationship. Sex is fine and lovely, drugs not so much, but that's not the biggest issue. It's her (evidently) dependancy thing.

That's a red flag being torn to bits by a hurricane. Just sayin'.

[Jalor]

every time we scheduled a datee. Something came up and prevented her from coming. This is the third time this happened.
I'll excuse one unexpected accident, two if I trust her. Just how unbiased is the "unbiased third party"?

@Silence: Oh, right, you were the one with the emotionally dependent girl. Still your call, but I would be careful if I were you. I've successfully avoided needy girls so far, but I have friends who receive hysterical phone calls occasionally from girls they haven't seen since middle school .

[Cobra_Ikari]

glad to hear your friends done the right thing about that guy. As long as you can remain civil you'll be fine

as for the girl - weeeeell that seems a lot more complicated. From what you've said i'd go into the situation assuming that she likes you, but is just a bit nervous is all. Prepare for the worst, but go in there with positive body language expecting the best. After all - if she didn't like you, she would have just left it at "i dont think of you like that" - it may be a case of shes never considered you like that CONSCIOUSLY before... but i suppose you'll only find out for sure when you talk to her

An update/clarification, of sorts, and a request for more advice, I suppose.

With the girl, what she actually said was closer to "I don't think I could ever think of you as more than a friend", and when I said ok, and asked her what about me made her feel that way, she said she regretted saying that, that she didn't mean it that way, and that we should talk about it in person. So I really don't know that it's going to end positively. *shrugs*

My friend, I never doubted to do the right thing, even if I had no clue what the right thing was. He's been one of my closest friends for 9 years, and has always been the peacemaker of our group. But I know he'll also try to help the other guy with his stuff, too. *shrugs*

As for the other guy...he contacted me today, assured me that he was just upset because of a communication problem between him and the girl (which she said was about him being afraid of her getting closer to me, and him trying to regulate who she was friends with). I decided I'd try to explain why I felt that he had a problem with me, mentioning how we never really do anything together, and he only seems to come because the girl does, and he always flips out when he comes because people other than him are spending time with her, and how he acts this possessive of the other girls we know, and how people had told me he had specifically said he hated me being around the girl. And he responded by claiming that if he didn't like me, I wouldn't be able to come over, because even though my best friend is his apartmentmate, he has say over who can come. And then he said I'm cool to hang out with one on one (which I already mentioned, never happens), but that I turn into a **** when any girls are around. And then he claims to just be acting as a protective older brother of both girls we know, and that I need to stop hanging all over them, although hugs are ok (the only thing that could POSSIBLY be considered the former was my arm around the girl I asked out, last weekend. I've also discussed this with both girls, and they claim to have no problem with me being physically affectionate, and said they would definitely tell me if I ever went too far. He claims they're both too shy to tell me, but complain to him about it). And that's about all we got through before he asked to talk about it with me in person.

So, basically, he took everything he does that seems weird to me, accused me of doing it even though I don't, ignored that I've talked with most of the people involved and gotten several witnesses to point out that he does do these things and I don't do the things he claims, and then told me we should speak about it in person. What should I do about this?

[Dracomorph]

So, basically, he took everything he does that seems weird to me, accused me of doing it even though I don't, ignored that I've talked with most of the people involved and gotten several witnesses to point out that he does do these things and I don't do the things he claims, and then told me we should speak about it in person. What should I do about this?

It sounds to me like you're going to be having a talk with him that I've had with several people in my life - the "I don't hate you, but I don't especially like you either" talk, or something like it. It's always awkward, and doesn't always end well. I have ended up making some friends with it, which strikes me as extremely weird.

So, don't be nervous, be honest, but also be charitable. When you explain why you don't like certain actions of his, also say that you suspect he doesn't mean them that way, even if you don't. Also, unless there's no way it could be true, BELIEVE WHAT HE TELLS YOU. This is key. At best, it'll clear the air, and you'll turn an awkward acquaintance into a new good friend. At worst, he'll hate you forever and you'll feel the same about him, which doesn't sound like much of a change anyway.

[Syka]

*walks across the stage muttering about the effect of stress on PMS and it's subsequent effect on one's personal relationships, exits stage left*

I also get the joy of trying to figure out how to tell a group member that she needs to shape up or we're 'firing' her (which is allowed by the professor if a member isn't holding their weight).

[Jack Squat]

OK, update. Basically, paranoid self loses. I love it when I'm wrong :smallbiggrin:

She's really busy with schoolwork, and doesn't like to be online when doing work, 'cause it really limits how much she can pay attention (I did notice this, but I guess didn't really care too much). When she's free, her room mates normally grab her for something. She did mention coming up here awhile back, though it was really more of a "I'm not going to a game this weekend and it's fall break", so it slipped my mind and she probably forgot my memory sucks. Her main reason for coming up was to go bridal shopping with for her sister's wedding (which I still don't think a date is set, but meh. There's a reason guys don't plan those things).

She wasn't feeling too good, so I didn't get too much farther into it, but reminded her that I'm always available to talk should an issue arise.

[Pyrian]

So, basically, he took everything he does that seems weird to me, accused me of doing it even though I don't, ignored that I've talked with most of the people involved and gotten several witnesses to point out that he does do these things and I don't do the things he claims, and then told me we should speak about it in person. What should I do about this?Well, you can have that second conversation, but don't get too drawn into the idea that you can talk some sense into him. Sometimes, in my experience, people are just determined to be unreasonable. I have found that it is best to treat such people firmly yet dismissively - to put it bluntly, he's doing the RL equivalent of trolling. People will rationalize anything, and use blatantly self-contradictory "logic" to do so. The only really appropriate response is to rise above and ignore it. He's probably just wasting your time.

[skywalker]

With the girl, what she actually said was closer to "I don't think I could ever think of you as more than a friend", and when I said ok, and asked her what about me made her feel that way, she said she regretted saying that, that she didn't mean it that way, and that we should talk about it in person. So I really don't know that it's going to end positively. *shrugs*

They will tell you to fear the "friend bin." They will tell you there is no escape. I am here to say that I have only ever been told this by girls who subsequently made very strong moves on me very soon after saying this to me (including one within an hour of saying it).


And he responded by claiming that if he didn't like me, I wouldn't be able to come over, because even though my best friend is his apartmentmate, he has say over who can come.

Translation: "I think I have far more control over my roommates' guests than I really do.


And then he said I'm cool to hang out with one on one (which I already mentioned, never happens), but that I turn into a **** when any girls are around.

Translation: "I am really jealous of your ease with women."
Possible alternate explanation: You are off-putting to other guys when you're around women. I have a guy friend who is really fun with just the guys, but who shamelessly flirts with any female in the vicinity, including his best friends' girlfriends. He will flirt (harmlessly, just for fun) with a girl and completely ruin another friend's chances for the night without even realizing it. Some of us are like this. Does it make you something that is worth *-ing out? No, I don't think so. But there could be some truth (in a round about way) to this one.


And then he claims to just be acting as a protective older brother of both girls we know, and that I need to stop hanging all over them, although hugs are ok (the only thing that could POSSIBLY be considered the former was my arm around the girl I asked out, last weekend.

Translation: "I don't like that you can just put your arm around a girl when I can't."


I've also discussed this with both girls, and they claim to have no problem with me being physically affectionate, and said they would definitely tell me if I ever went too far. He claims they're both too shy to tell me, but complain to him about it).

Translation: He is asking them "Doesn't it bother you when Cobra does x?" And they are replying in the quasi-affirmative to keep him from being upset/put off.


OK, update. Basically, paranoid self loses. I love it when I'm wrong :smallbiggrin:

She's really busy with schoolwork, and doesn't like to be online when doing work, 'cause it really limits how much she can pay attention (I did notice this, but I guess didn't really care too much). When she's free, her room mates normally grab her for something. She did mention coming up here awhile back, though it was really more of a "I'm not going to a game this weekend and it's fall break", so it slipped my mind and she probably forgot my memory sucks. Her main reason for coming up was to go bridal shopping with for her sister's wedding (which I still don't think a date is set, but meh. There's a reason guys don't plan those things).

She wasn't feeling too good, so I didn't get too much farther into it, but reminded her that I'm always available to talk should an issue arise.

That, er, still doesn't seem too positive. Maybe I'm confused, but is it true that she didn't even mention that she was here? No "Hey Jack, I'm home for the weekend, we should hang out?" If my girlfriend shows up in the city I (and she used to) live in, and doesn't take initiative to contact me... I would be worried. Sorry if that makes you feel bad again.

[Jack Squat]

That, er, still doesn't seem too positive. Maybe I'm confused, but is it true that she didn't even mention that she was here? No "Hey Jack, I'm home for the weekend, we should hang out?" If my girlfriend shows up in the city I (and she used to) live in, and doesn't take initiative to contact me... I would be worried. Sorry if that makes you feel bad again.

She mentioned she was here (true, through a facebook status and not calling me...but I was in a test at the time). I pretty much took up the whole "When can we hang" thing fairly quickly. It's completely in character for her to let me take the initiative, so I'm not too worried.

She was still working on Diff EQ and physics when I headed over as well...and one of her reasons for not actively trying to see me was that she didn't know if she'd have enough time because of the workload. Being a former engineering major, I can believe it. Add in the bridesmaid stuff, her grandparents coming over, and a not-entirely-great work ethic, and this thing tends to at least become much less of a deal in my mind.

I didn't say more didn't need to be talked about, but I was expecting the worst, and that didn't turn out to be the case. I'll take my small victories. Now, if this becomes a trend, I'll start worrying again.

[Coidzor]

No, it's not necessarily inescapable, but being labeled romantically incompatible is a bit difficult to shrug off. It's not the end of the world, but it is one of those things which is probably mostly designed to cause one to stop, give pause, and reexamine things. And possibly disregard it entirely in the name of love and passion and art.

In other news, I was talking to one of the girls from chorus yesterday and we made each other late to our next classes by getting to talking about dancing and she gave me the address of where she was learning West Coast Swing as part of a weekly thing monday nights.

Though, admittedly, I was mostly late because I misremembered my class time as starting at 2:30 rather than 2:00. :smallsigh:

I never thought I'd find that color women put on their eyelids attractive until last night. haha. I wonder what that's called. Wasn't really eyeliner since it was more of a full eyelid thing. Don't think it was mascara due to the coloration and it seeming to be mostly above her eye... Eyeshadow? Hmm. Makeup is convoluted.

So, anyway, I think she might be interested in me, especially because I'm pretty sure I caught her stealing glances at me... And I'm not sure, but we may have made eyes at one another when I looked over at her lookign at me and we both smiled. It was not something I'm used to so I'm not exactly sure what that was. But it felt nice! :smallbiggrin: <_< So I'm-a thinkin' I'll take that as a good sign.

I had to leave early because I hadn't yet figured out what buses might be running in that area, but I did say goodbye to her in such a way that I figure I could segue it into asking her out to coffee or dinner.

[Dragonrider]

1. Mascara: applied by round brush to the eyelashes
2. Eyeliner: thin line on the edge of the eyelid/under eyelashes
3. Eyeshadow: stuff you're talking about, on the eyelid generally.

[Vella_Malachite]

Hey guys - haven't been here in a while, but I needs some help.

This is pretty much going to be another "how do I approach" question, but just hear me out.

The guy in question: I met him at Physics camp (awesome camp, btw), and we didn't talk to anyone else for four days straight. After that, we had two weeks of holidays, so we caught up twice. Once, we went to the city and to my place, but that was kind of a flop (it's sorted out now, I apologised, he told me not to worry, nothing changed), and once we went to the Melbourne Show (big festival thing) with some of his friends, then back to his place where I slept over, again, his friends were there, after playing video games until 3am, and I left at 8:00 the next night.

So we're already on pretty good terms, and asking to "do something sometime" is not the problem. The problem is that we're both too shy to say that we want to take it to the next level. Given some of the signals I've been getting (putting his head on my shoulder, insisting on buying things for me, there's more if you want them), I'm pretty sure he's interested, but I just can't spit it out.

Are there any helpful tips on the best way to raise the topic? Seriously, I'm killing myself over this guy! One of us has to say something eventually, and it might just have to be me, but I have absolutely no idea how to do so.

Thanks in advance...

[Zeb The Troll]

I have had this tactic work on me in the past (before I was as suave and debonair as I am now :smallcool:)

Me: :smallsmile:
Her: :smallbiggrin:
Me: :smallredface:
Her: :smallsigh: Kiss me, you idiot!

[Silence]

Hey guys...

My advice: Call him up (that is, if you usually talk over phone) or wait until you're talking just together, and talk for a while, and just bring it up. Try not to be awkward about it, as that just makes things weird. I know this is the totally obvious solution to the problem, but it worked for me. Good luck. And remember, us guys are actually a lot less complicated than you girls make us out to be.

[Dallas-Dakota]

As soon as I get alone with her, I'm going to try and ask her out.

It'l probably be something like this.

Me: Hey, I'm wanting to try something with this confidence thing.
Her: ?
Me: Yeah, would you like to go out with me to (insert event here)
Her: (probably) No.:smallyuk: I don't like you in that kind of way.
Me: Oh, ok. Friends then?
Her: (hopefully) Hmm, ok.


Wish me luck!

The event which I'm planning on asking her out to is at the 17th(saturday) so plenty of time. to chicken out >.>

Describement of event:
Like a general fair.(fantasy/medieval, though a tad more literature focused, me thinks)
then medieval(?) dinner. I can probably get some crepes/pancakes or french fries.
Movie marathon: Cool, it's LotR, so it's not that bad if we talk softly, but no awkward silence if we're awkwardly silent.

Otherwise, I'l just be going with a couple of friends...>.>


Yeah, wish me luck! And advice, damn, advice would be good!

Paying for stuff: ???
Full ticket(full day ticket) is 25 euros....and I'm not rich. >.>
So pay for food?:smallconfused: And that would be if she said yes.

Then again, my mind is doubting this. Constantly recasting thoughts and signals. Maybe all she's sending out are friend signals...Yeah, I'm probably over-reading her signals. Stupid mind. *headdesk* need to stop over-thinking stuff.

Hopefully I'l be able to salvage a frienship.

Advice is very welcome! Wish me luck, also.

:smalleek:

[Ditto]

Vella, you're who my girlfriend was a year ago when we were both nuts about each other and too stupid to say anything about it. It took a traumatic episode for us to finally get it out in the open, which is the less-desirable way of going about things. You've got to step up, and you know it!

Just print out this note and pass it to him if you're no good with words. Pass it right on over to him, no preamble necessary. Don't worry, it'll work out great. >_>

Dear Dude,
I wanna be your girl. Dig?
Yours,
Vella

No peeking! Surprise notes work better! :smalltongue:

[Silence]

@DD: That's great! I really hope for the best!

My advice is not to try the sarcastic approach. Just act casual, and be very confident. And if she just wants to be friends, that's fine too. I have a very good friend that I've asked out, and it didn't hurt our friendship at all.

[loopy]

I have had this tactic work on me in the past (before I was as suave and debonair as I am now :smallcool:)

Me: :smallsmile:
Her: :smallbiggrin:
Me: :smallredface:
Her: :smallsigh: Kiss me, you idiot!

Smooth mate. :D

Much respect. :smallsmile:

[Jacklu]

Great luck DD!

[Dallas-Dakota]

@DD: That's great! I really hope for the best!

My advice is not to try the sarcastic approach. Just act casual, and be very confident. And if she just wants to be friends, that's fine too. I have a very good friend that I've asked out, and it didn't hurt our friendship at all.
But....I am sarastic.

My body is made out of 90% sarcasm, 5% water/milk and 5% psychedelic.


Also that approach: A little bit about me:
I umm, have low, err, no self esteem issues. That gramatically is both correct and incorrect. I mean...I mean I have no self confidence. I usually go by sarcasm and not caring. She kinda knows this. So erm, it might work? >.>

And that sounds hopefull.:smallsmile:

Also: Zeb: Smooth!

[Silence]

But....I am sarastic.

My body is made out of 90% sarcasm, 5% water/milk and 5% psychedelic.


Also that approach: A little bit about me:
I umm, have low, err, no self esteem issues. That gramatically is both correct and incorrect. I mean...I mean I have no self confidence. I usually go by sarcasm and not caring. She kinda knows this. So erm, it might work? >.>

And that sounds hopefull.:smallsmile:

Also: Zeb: Smooth!

You sound like me last year xD

Well, it's your call. You know the situation better than me. But I can tell you that girls like a guy who's confident, because the truth is that girls want a knight in shining armor (generalizing here), and it's difficult to be that person sometimes. If you really are a sarcastic person, then I think it's a fine idea to go with that. Best of luck, man!

[cycoris]

But....I am sarastic.

My body is made out of 90% sarcasm, 5% water/milk and 5% psychedelic.


Also that approach: A little bit about me:
I umm, have low, err, no self esteem issues. That grammatically is both correct and incorrect. I mean...I mean I have no self confidence. I usually go by sarcasm and not caring. She kinda knows this. So erm, it might work? >.>

*huggles DD*

GOOD LUCK!!

Please though, try not to be sarcastic. Cause if she does like you and you're sarcastic about asking her out, she could take that to mean that you weren't sincere about asking her out.

And while I at least don't want a knight in shining armour (no offence, Silence), I'd probably say no if I thought a guy wasn't sincere when he asked me out. If you're nervous, that's okay. It's flattering to know that we can have that effect on you. :smalltongue::smallamused:

[Forever Curious]

You sound like me last year xD

Well, it's your call. You know the situation better than me. But I can tell you that girls like a guy who's confident, because the truth is that girls want a knight in shining armor (generalizing here), and it's difficult to be that person sometimes. If you really are a sarcastic person, then I think it's a fine idea to go with that. Best of luck, man!

Meh, I wouldn't go as far to say "knight in shining armor", but definitely "someone not too self deprecating". But that's just from me and my experiences.

[Silence]

I'm saying the knight in shining armor thing as a total generalization. I really don't know many girls that wouldn't want a strong, sincere gentleman as a boyfriend (if they want one in the first place.) The rest of their personality is up for grabs.

[Forever Curious]

I'm saying the knight in shining armor thing as a total generalization. I really don't know many girls that wouldn't want a strong, sincere gentleman as a boyfriend (if they want one in the first place.) The rest of their personality is up for grabs.

Acknowledged. Sorry for shooting down your point.

[Silence]

No, it's completely fine! I should be the one sorry for not making what I meant clear.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Hey, this isn't your avarage kind of girl.

She's a mead-drinking, fedora-wearing, into-fantasy kind of girl.:smallamused:

Scrap that part, I think it's a trilby, not sure.

[Silence]

Hey, this isn't your avarage kind of girl.

She's a mead-drinking, fedora-wearing, into-fantasy kind of girl.:smallamused:

Scrap that part, I think it's a trilby, not sure.

Heh, well, all the better. I love those girls.

[Pyrian]

I really don't know many girls that wouldn't want a strong, sincere gentleman as a boyfriend (if they want one in the first place.)Oh, I know some. Near-total self-sufficiency makes many people nervous. They're insecure if they don't feel needed!


Are there any helpful tips on the best way to raise the topic? Seriously, I'm killing myself over this guy! One of us has to say something eventually, and it might just have to be me, but I have absolutely no idea how to do so.When in doubt, go with tradition:


Her: :smallsigh: Kiss me, you idiot!

[The Extinguisher]

I really want to talk to someone, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdramatizing the whole thing.

Still... anyone willing to listen to a kids pathetic problems. I'd rather not clog up this thread anymore than I have.

[Coidzor]

On the whole "Kiss me, Idiot" thing. "Kiss me you fool" also works as a variant. :smallbiggrin:

DD: When it comes to dates, it's generally muddled enough as it is to be sarcastic and snarky about actually asking the girl out in the first place.

[Jacklu]

I really want to talk to someone, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdramatizing the whole thing.

Still... anyone willing to listen to a kids pathetic problems. I'd rather not clog up this thread anymore than I have.

I can listen. Not sure sure I'm equipped to give advice, but listen.

[TheBST]

I really want to talk to someone, but I'm pretty sure I'm overdramatizing the whole thing.

Still... anyone willing to listen to a kids pathetic problems. I'd rather not clog up this thread anymore than I have.

What kind of attitude is that? Spill your guts chief, no one's here to judge.

[Syka]

What worked for me, Vella, was talking to him until two in the morning after a week of the same thing and us dancing around the "are we or aren't we" question without ever actually asked him. Getting me tired enough helped me get the courage to flat out say "are we or aren't we and it's ok if we aren't". It's almost like liquid courage but not quite as fuzzy lol.


In other news, Syka got a phone number today. :smalleek: I spent all day in the library studying with my group for a test tonight so I went to the water fountain to get a drink several times. I have a habit of smiling when I make eye contact with people so combined with my eyes being drawn to people it means a lot of smiling. Unfortunately...there was a guy sitting at a desk near our room...who kept making eye contact with me. The last time I went to the waterfountain he asked me to take a small slip of paper. I get into the room and realize "oh no..." Sure enough, it was his email and phone number.

I'm still kinda really surprised since that has never happened before. Hell, we didn't even say anything to each other before he gave me the paper! I feel a little bad since I won't be using the number (what with the being in a monogamous relationship thing) but I admire the guys courage.

[Pyrian]

Short rant:

Why is the law of karma so strong for me? For every hopeless crush I have, there's someone else with a hopeless crush back. I can't help but feel extremely sympathetic, and yet... I just can't date a beach ball. (Nor, rather more ironically, someone nearly twice my age, though that's been less of a problem since I dyed my hair.) No interest. I'm sorry. I tried to warn her. I really did. :smallsigh: And the hell of it is, these are great women, generally speaking. :smallconfused: Just... Too round for me. :smallfrown: I can't help it.

[The Extinguisher]

What kind of attitude is that? Spill your guts chief, no one's here to judge.

Alright... but I feel really bad for making you guys listen to all this.

Well, a good place to start, I guess is about this time last year.

My good friend, A, and myself pretty much spent the entire summer or so flirting with each other. Now, she was in a long distance relationship with this other guy, J. This had been going on for a couple years now, and was on and off occasionally, but definitely more time on. Now, during September and October, she started getting depressed. They were fighting a lot more, and J treated her like **** most of the time. He was smoking a lot of pot and it was, all in all, not a very healthy relationship.

This is where I come in. She was feeling spiteful, lonely and horny. One night in October we ended up making out on her couch, and slowly progressing from there. During that time, things were going worse for her and J. She was failing school because of it, and almost dropped out. But around the start of November, she broke it off with him (after a lot of worry because she thought J was going to kill himself because of it) and we ended up together. A went through periods of talking to him for a little while, trying to keep a friendship, only to loose contact for months.

Now flash forward to June/July. Our relationship is getting a little rocky. Disagreements are turning into arguments which are turning into fights. It's happening more frequently. We've had relationship issues in the past, but we've worked them out. But around the start of July, we have a big fight, and end up breaking up. The idea seemed mutual at the time (give us some time to clear our heads and see what happens) but looking back it seemed rather sudden.

Now, we've been keeping in touch, as friends, throughout summer, kinda being flirty again, but not as much as last year. But, just a few weeks ago, I learn that she's back together with J. After talking to her about it, apparently she's been together since the middle of July, just a few weeks after we broke up. I guess I believe her, but there are some suspicious things looking back on it all. She had been wearing jewelry J had gotten her while they were together, and not just random jewelry, but a ring that I'm pretty sure was really important to her. And I think she was talking to him again before we broke up.

I could just be really paranoid, but when I asked her about it a couple weeks after we broke up, whether she was back with J or not, she said she wasn't, so I don't know what to think.


Now, they've been back together for a couple months, and he was supposed to move up here to live with her for about six months, but he ended up getting stuck in customs because they figured out he didn't have enough money to go back home after the "two month visiting period" was over. Which is true. But she has been really depressed again, and she's told me that they've been fighting over the little things lately. J wants A to move down to the States with him, and she doesn't want to, because up here she has a job, friends and assurance if something ever happens, because she's living with her mom right now and has no experience living on her own. I'm afraid of what happens if J presses the issue, as A doesn't really have a habit of thinking about herself first.

All the while, I'm trying to be a good friend. Yes, I still have feelings for her, but I'd rather see her happy, instead of hurt and depressed. Last night, we end up staying up late texting each other, flirting and saying things you really don't say to just "friends". Today, we go out for lunch, but she ditches me after, saying that things we're too weird. Apparently, she was fighting the urge to just grab me and have her way with me when I walked in the door. She's depressed and lonely and horny, again. I'm trying to help her out, get her to talk over her issues to figure out why she's so depressed, and she says she doesn't want to talk it over with me because she's still very attracted to me.

I'm trying to get her to see around that, and to think about her own happiness and herself first, and what other people want second. And I haven't gotten back anything else about that yet.

I'm worried, but at the same time, I feel like maybe I'm just being the jealous ex-boyfriend and blowing things way out of proportion. I don't want to lose a friendship though. I don't know what to do.

:frown:

[Alarra]

On the whole "Kiss me, Idiot" thing. "Kiss me you fool" also works as a variant. :smallbiggrin:

Or, you know...you could kiss him. Of course, I have done the 'kiss me, idiot' thing...well, my exact words were actually 'So are you ever going to kiss me?' but same general idea. :smalltongue: But really, why wait for him? The easiest way to take things to the next level, especially when it's so clear that he's interested, and if you're not able to bring up the subject, is to do something (like kiss him) to make it clear that you're interested. Of course, you don't have to go with kissing, you could hold his hand or some such, but yeah.

[Pyrian]

The Extinguisher, I think you need to dissociate from her situation a bit. First off, it really seems like she's just using you, and I'm not convinced that situation is healthy for you. Second, insofar as you want to help her out, flirtation is the wrong way. This J guy sounds rather dubious, but ultimately that's her problem and you won't do much good by being judgmental. Obviously she's chosen him over you, and as wrong as that may seem it's probably best to accept that and move on. What you can do for her is be there in a friendly way. Right now, the flirtations are sabotaging even that, so I really think you need to cool it.

[TheBST]

@Pyrian: Hey, if you're not sexually attracted to someone, it's never going to work. Take the compliment and be a gentleman about it. But know this: if the girl question shows up one day having lost the weight, looking good to you, that ship has sailed. (Hey I've seen this happen to guys and girls a few times).

@Extingusher: The girl in question sounds like a complete mess leaning on you for support whenever things with this J fellow get sour. Still, some couples can hate each other, fight, scream and argue constantly but if you try to tell them they should break up, you're suddenly the ********. At the end of the day, I wouldn't get involved with her beyond friendship. She needs to make up her mind and sort out her own problems. Don't try to be a white knight.

[Pyrian]

@Pyrian: Hey, if you're not sexually attracted to someone, it's never going to work.Yup, yup.


Take the compliment and be a gentleman about it.I guess that's where I'm primarily concerned, right now. I'm already extrapolating further than I'm comfortable with. This one divorcing woman whom I added to my LiveJournal started posting comments, and now a shared friend says she's been asking about me, wanting to know if I'm going to be at certain social events. I already tried to subtly warn her once. I don't want to lead her on and I don't want to say anything presumptuous, especially if I'm mistaking her intentions.


But know this: if the girl question shows up one day having lost the weight, looking good to you, that ship has sailed. (Hey I've seen this happen to guys and girls a few times).Heheh, I'm cool with 'dat, I just don't expect it.

[Silence]

@Estinguisher: Wow, I can really relate to that. Waaaaaaaaay too much. Except, I'm the one long distance, and J is the one nearby. And J is the one that did things with A. I'm just the other guy for the entire time.

But, enough complaining. I'm really sorry that that happened, and hope that it goes well. Maybe you should just tell her you have feelings for her...

[The Extinguisher]

@Estinguisher: Wow, I can really relate to that. Waaaaaaaaay too much. Except, I'm the one long distance, and J is the one nearby. And J is the one that did things with A. I'm just the other guy for the entire time.

But, enough complaining. I'm really sorry that that happened, and hope that it goes well. Maybe you should just tell her you have feelings for her...

She knows I have feelings for her, the same as she does for me. That's what's complicating the issue.

I know I shouldn't be flirting. But I think in a way, I'm doing it subconsciously in response to her flirting, and only realizing after.

[Coidzor]

Guess you'll just have to be hypervigilant and proactive and on guard around her if you wanna put the onus on that.

Or get someone to hold you to it in terms of helping watch you when she's around and giving a pre-arranged signal or just talking to you after it when you're caught slipping.

[xPANCAKEx]

extinguisher

don't fool yourself. If she had the same feelings for you as you do for her, J wouldn't be in the picture

the girls a wreck, and using you for an ego boost. Steer clear.

Pyrian

its your rule about chocolate all over. Stick by the principles.

Syka

take the compliment, feel good about yourself. If you see him again, don't feel you have to explain yourself unless he broaches the subject, and you have nothing to appologise for.

Vella_Malachite

you don't have to say anything - just DO something about it ;)



NOW... pancake has an issue.

this is one i think i've pretty much got a handle on (its stuff i've given advice on many times before) but theres something not quite right about it that bothers me

One of the girls im sort of "seeing" (if you call it that) at the moment. Shes RUBBISH at keeping a plan. We'll arrange to meet up or hang out, then she'll bail without warning or even a txt to let me know. This im not so bothered by as she's like this with everyone (including her best friends). She doesn't even answer her phone at times (also, not a problem unique to me). By now, i'd usually practice as i preach, not make any further effort and leave it at that, chalking it up to lack of interest on her part, heres the kicker...

she sends me (unsolicited) messages telling me she misses me, and wants to see me. I normally counter this by reminder her of how rubbish she's been lately. It usually follows pattern of her applogising a lot and then (once again, unprompted) asking to see me sometime soon, even going so far as to suggest when shes free

she sets up meet-ups, then bails on them

this has happened 3-4 times now

whats the dilly? I think i've got a handle on it, but i want to hear it from you lot to see how far off the mark i am

[Coidzor]

Two possibilities, either she enjoys toying with you and thinking she's playing havoc with you using headgames or she's rubbish and needs to be slapped upside the head and enlist the appropriate technologies and/or medications to be able to function.

[xPANCAKEx]

Two possibilities, either she enjoys toying with you and thinking she's playing havoc with you using headgames or she's rubbish and needs to be slapped upside the head and enlist the appropriate technologies and/or medications to be able to function.

right now im leaning towards the latter... her communication skills are this lacking even when dealing with her closest friends

[Coidzor]

Well, I know what to suggest to her friends to chip in to get her for her next birthday...

[Klose_the_Sith]

right now im leaning towards the latter... her communication skills are this lacking even when dealing with her closest friends

Then maybe when you plan something together, you should show up at her door with Something and make her come with? By something I of course mean a leash+collar so she'll have to follow :smallwink:

[Coidzor]

Haha. Good one, Klose.

[xPANCAKEx]

she lives quite a distance away... maybe a lasoo would work?

[Klose_the_Sith]

:smallbiggrin: Hehehehe, leashes and collars. I suppose a lasso could be cool too, cept I don't own any of those that I'd be confident about putting on someone :smallwink:


she lives quite a distance away... maybe a lasoo would work?

Part of my advice might not seem so practical, but even if she's a distance away why don't you try picking her up once or twice? I suppose I wouldn't really be able to do that personally (no license :smallsigh:) but still ...

[Pyrian]

Sadly, people who don't reliably show up at other locations are not necessarily more likely to show up at their own home, either. :smalltongue:

[Klose_the_Sith]

Sadly, people who don't reliably show up at other locations are not necessarily more likely to show up at their own home, either. :smalltongue:

Seeing as she bailed on anyone, I'm assuming it's just some weird forgetfulness/crossed wire issue half the time.

It works even better if the collar is tracking >.>

[Moonshadow]

*coughs* Erm, dating sites! General idea is not not write your whole life story, yet not give out every vital information so that they have a reason to communicate, yes? :smallconfused:

[Coidzor]

*coughs* Erm, dating sites! General idea is not not write your whole life story, yet not give out every vital information so that they have a reason to communicate, yes? :smallconfused:

Yeah, pretty much. Mostly personality shtuffs and general interests...

[Klose_the_Sith]

*coughs* Erm, dating sites! General idea is not not write your whole life story, yet not give out every vital information so that they have a reason to communicate, yes? :smallconfused:

Also what you're looking for is of EXTREME importance.

[Pyrian]

Also what you're looking for is of EXTREME importance.Really? Aside from, like, gender, in my experience it's less than pointless. You drive away people you might actually be interested in, yet somehow the people you specifically said you'd rather not get messaged by don't seem to care...

[Coidzor]

Oh yeah. I once saw a girl's profile and read all the way through it before she went on this rant about people with beards being evil.

Took all of my willpower not to just message her to harass her with my visage.

[Vella_Malachite]

Thanks guys! I don't know when I'll get to talk to him next, but when I do, I'll see if I can pluck up the courage to say something!

xPANCAKEx
I know I've just been having issues because of lack of communication myself, so please don't take this as hypocrisy - but how about you ask her? It seems like she's been bailing out without giving you much explanation. Maybe if you try talking it through with her. Then you can also offer help if she needs it.

[Ishmael]

So my worst fears were realized today :(. He texted me to tell me that he didn't think that our relationship was working, because he was too busy and he didn't have much control over where he went and what he did, and that basically things couldn't work out because of that, and that it's not fair to me.

I'm very, very aggravated about being broken up with via text :(. Like, seriously, how much more lame can you get?

I had so many hopes, so many dreams...I was going to show him the world :/. He was such a good catch, too...but alas, not mine, not now, he's too busy, too controlled, too constrained to be having a secret, closeted relationship.

Ah well. There's more boys out there. But I wanted this one :(.

[Serpentine]

Maybe you could consider it a "leave it for now, 'til the situation is better to consider trying again", and try to keep up a normal friendship?

[Klose_the_Sith]

Really? Aside from, like, gender, in my experience it's less than pointless. You drive away people you might actually be interested in, yet somehow the people you specifically said you'd rather not get messaged by don't seem to care...

I disagree, seeing as it's always pertinent to mention things like, say "not interested in anything serious" or "will not do casual" rather then leading to confusion. Although then again that's just me, sure you'll turn people off - but if they're the sort of person who'd be turned off by the fact that the two of you aren't looking for compatible relationships once you met them anyway.

Wait, did you think I was talking about looks/personality?

[Zeb The Troll]

Meh, I only ever got mail-a-wife responses anyway. I had listed on my profile that I speak Russian, which apparently means "I'm looking for a Russian speaking mail order bride". :smallsigh:

[Moonshadow]

:smallconfused: And somehow, on my second day on this particular site, a women, an honest to god woman decides that they would like to speak with me. She lives in my suburb, and she's nearly 4 years older than me, and she enjoys speaking to me.


...I'm at somewhat of a loss with where to go from here, because this just doesn't happen normally :eek:

[xPANCAKEx]

:smallconfused: And somehow, on my second day on this particular site, a women, an honest to god woman decides that they would like to speak with me. She lives in my suburb, and she's nearly 4 years older than me, and she enjoys speaking to me.


...I'm at somewhat of a loss with where to go from here, because this just doesn't happen normally :eek:

talk to her a bit more - find out if she's your kind of person, and if you're enjoying communicating with her, consider inviting her out to meet up in person for a drink/other-social-activity some time

[Ditto]

I think the key distinction in the 'what you're looking for' area is in the kind of *relationship*, and not to be too specific on the kind of girl/guy you're looking for. "Must have active lifestyle, must be okay with dogs" are good broad items; "must be a redhead, must speak Elvish, must be an Olympic-class gymnast" are bad ones. You want to weed out incompatibilities rather than post a list of specific necessities.

[Syka]

So my worst fears were realized today :(. He texted me to tell me that he didn't think that our relationship was working, because he was too busy and he didn't have much control over where he went and what he did, and that basically things couldn't work out because of that, and that it's not fair to me.

I'm very, very aggravated about being broken up with via text :(. Like, seriously, how much more lame can you get?

I had so many hopes, so many dreams...I was going to show him the world :/. He was such a good catch, too...but alas, not mine, not now, he's too busy, too controlled, too constrained to be having a secret, closeted relationship.

Ah well. There's more boys out there. But I wanted this one :(.

I'm sorry about that. :( It sucks.

I do have two bad-break-up methods that might make you feel better. My ex's ex-girlfriend broke up with him over phone...via a friend. As in, had her friend call and break up with him. In her defense, they were 14 or something, but still.

I've also had a friend find out they were no longer in a relationship because their SO moved in with someone else. :smalleek:

That's why when my sister had to do her first break up, I was adament she do it in person.

[xPANCAKEx]

I'm very, very aggravated about being broken up with via text :(. Like, seriously, how much more lame can you get?


i think that might be showing his age/lack of maturity with that one, and if he really cared (which from what you said he seemed to) im sure he'll come to regret it

[Keld Denar]

Oh yippy...I just got a "we need to talk later" text message...boooo. Things were going really well. I'll probably never have to serve my the bet I lost though. My only hope is that this doesn't make things wierd between us, since I'm now friends with a ton of her friends...

[Sholos]

Would going to a play be a bad idea for a "first time asking a person to an event while not necessarily being a 'date' though I wouldn't object if it was taken that way if accepted"?

I hate my stupid liking of a girl without knowing how to show it or even what level of liking me she's at. Grr...

[TheBST]

Would going to a play be a bad idea

It's a long time to sit in silence with someone...

[Sholos]

Said play is going to be about an hour long.

Still, that was kinda my worry.

[Astrella]

Said play is going to be about an hour long.

Still, that was kinda my worry.

Well, good luck then. :smallsmile:

[TheBST]

Said play is going to be about an hour long.

Still, that was kinda my worry.

Well if it's a common interest, go for it. My advice: if you're interested in dating the girl the important thing's going to be all the aftershow chatting- get some coffee or something, have fun and see how it goes. But do yourself a favour; if it goes well, sometime after, ask her on a real date, because that window can close and stay shut. Best o'luck.

[Jalor]

Would going to a play be a bad idea for a "first time asking a person to an event while not necessarily being a 'date' though I wouldn't object if it was taken that way if accepted"?
Movies and plays are generally a bad choice for first or second dates; they actively discourage conversation with your date. One hour might be fine, as long as you grab coffee later or something.

If you want to go on a date with someone, ask them on a date, not an ambiguous social outing.

[snoopy13a]

Movies and plays are generally a bad choice for first or second dates; they actively discourage conversation with your date. One hour might be fine, as long as you grab coffee later or something.

If you want to go on a date with someone, ask them on a date, not an ambiguous social outing.

Which is why the traditional first date is dinner and a movie.

[Yoren]

Okay so this situation is a little convoluted so please bare (bear?) with me.

So my friend started going out with a girl that I know from one of our classes. Apparently he's known her for over a year and just got the courage (with a little push in the rear from me) to ask her out. They went hiking on their first date things are going well. Except, her ex-boyfriend called her like half a dozen times while they were out and the next day when they were hanging out he just showed up and decided to "hang out with them".

Now the dude's being a giant ******* and telling her that if he sees her with my friend he'll mess him up. And because things can always get worse, apparently besides being crazy, the dude used to be a drug dealer or something and he got shot once? Not really sure about that last part, but if its true its troubling. Recently he's also started making vague threats against the girl as well.

I've never really dealt with anything like this before. My friend is asking me for advice and I'm really not sure what to say to him. I'm pretty sure this won't go away if everyone just ignores the crazy dude but I'm not sure confrontation is the right answer either. My friend probably wouldn't confront the guy because he's not the fighting type and I'm not sure I should because I don't know the girl that well. Plus while I'm fairly competent in a fight, I don't have any delusions about my chances if (probably when) the guy pulls a weapon. Any suggestions?

[Jack Squat]

The first advice that comes to mind is to get out of dodge. It's best to avoid crazy people if you can help it. It's even better to avoid crazy, dangerous people.

However, knowing that that doesn't solve the situation for her in the least, contact the police and file for a restraining order. The threats (and the apparent ability to carry out) should be enough to get one. If there's any luck, the guy may get busted for some sort of parole violation or the like.

Of course, the problem with a restraining order is that it only solves the problem in the future, and nothing can be done because of anything that's already transpired.

[xPANCAKEx]

if she hasn't already, the girl needs to make it clear things are over to her ex. If the guy makes overt threats, then call the police - and make sure that its documented for if worst comes to worst.

how recent did she split up from him anyway? And has he made threats against anyone else in the past?

[Yoren]

According to my friend, she's made it very clear that she's not interested, and that they are not together. Not really sure how long ago they broke up but it wasn't recently. I hate to keep saying i don't know, but I don't know if he's made threats in the past.

The real problem as i see it is that he's only made vague threats and comments so far, nothing substantial that you could take to the police. I'm just concerned that if/when he makes the overt threats someone will already have gotten hurt.

[xPANCAKEx]

well if hes only making vague threats it may be best not to pander to it and for those two to carry on as normal

if he carries on being a passive-aggressive ass on the other hand she should refuse him entry to her home, and so should your friend

[Vella_Malachite]

Sorry to be back here so soon - but I'd just like the opinion of the relationship-experienced section of the Playground:

So I've worked up the courage to ask the guy, and I know what I'm gonna say and how I'm gonna do it - there's just one thing I need to figure out.

Am I going to look like a complete fool/tool/coward/insert derogatory term if I ask him out over IM, or should I try a call or something instead? Normally, it'd be a call in an instant, but his computer is in a public room in his house, so I'm not sure if he'd appreciate being asked out in full view of his family.

I feel like I'm relying on you guys a lot, but this is literally the first time I've asked anyone out, so I'm kind of freaking out over this...

And, Yoren, just to add my two cents, this may seem a bit obvious, but don't retaliate to the guy in kind. I don't think you'd get revenge if he hurt someone - that's not what I mean. I mean, don't threaten him back. If it ends up going to the police or the courts, it will be much less clear-cut if both parties have threatened violence. Do everything possible to keep yourself, and your friend and his girlfriend, completely in the clear.
Good luck, I hope it works out OK for you in the end, I really do.

[Coidzor]

Hey, if you can call him to ask him out. Or do it in person, those are both usually preferable to IM.

<_<

>_>

Does offering girls baking pointers make them mad?

And should one ask for the phone number first or ask them out to coffee or some such and get the number for coordination first? I can't remember...

[Zeb The Troll]

Vella - You'll probably get a lot of advice telling you that doing it over IM is a poor way to go about it, but I disagree. I think it's perfectly acceptable to do it this way and if it were me, I'd be just as flattered over IM or email as I would be if it were in person or on the phone. Though, if you're weighing your options between phone and IM, I'd advise going for the phone, especially if you're concerned about embarrassing him over IM.

[Serpentine]

Okay so this situation is a little convoluted so please bare (bear?) with me.

So my friend started going out with a girl that I know from one of our classes. Apparently he's known her for over a year and just got the courage (with a little push in the rear from me) to ask her out. They went hiking on their first date things are going well. Except, her ex-boyfriend called her like half a dozen times while they were out and the next day when they were hanging out he just showed up and decided to "hang out with them".

Now the dude's being a giant ******* and telling her that if he sees her with my friend he'll mess him up. And because things can always get worse, apparently besides being crazy, the dude used to be a drug dealer or something and he got shot once? Not really sure about that last part, but if its true its troubling. Recently he's also started making vague threats against the girl as well.

I've never really dealt with anything like this before. My friend is asking me for advice and I'm really not sure what to say to him. I'm pretty sure this won't go away if everyone just ignores the crazy dude but I'm not sure confrontation is the right answer either. My friend probably wouldn't confront the guy because he's not the fighting type and I'm not sure I should because I don't know the girl that well. Plus while I'm fairly competent in a fight, I don't have any delusions about my chances if (probably when) the guy pulls a weapon. Any suggestions?What I think you (plural) should do, not necessarily in order:
- Tell the police what's happened. Just, y'know, give them a heads-up. If he's been a drug dealer and shot he might be known to them, which would help get their attention.
- She needs to have an up-front, straight-forward discussion with the ex to tell him, unequivocally, that it is over between them and she's with your friend now, and if he wants to remain friends with her then his behaviour is entirely unacceptable.
- Keep a diary of everything that happens relating to him. Everything. Even if he doesn't do anything bad, overtly or otherwise. Put as much detail as you can, including times, dates and witnesses. That way if the situation escallates(sp?), you have something hopefully a bit more substantial than "his word vs. yours".

[skywalker]

Movies and plays are generally a bad choice for first or second dates; they actively discourage conversation with your date.

This might not be considered bad... :smallwink:

:smallredface:

What? What did I say?

[Vella_Malachite]

See, I don't actually know his phone number. The vehicle for both call and IM is Skype. And it's the call I'm worried about embarrassing him over, since IM doesn't, y'know, make noise.

Sorry for not being specific enough.

[Zeb The Troll]

See, I don't actually know his phone number. The vehicle for both call and IM is Skype. And it's the call I'm worried about embarrassing him over, since IM doesn't, y'know, make noise.

Sorry for not being specific enough.Oh, yeah that changes everything. IMnsHO, this actually makes IM the preferred choice. But that is (possibly) just me.

[Dragonrider]

Does offering girls baking pointers make them mad?

Offering "pointers" in anything can come across as condescending/chauvinistic if you're not careful.

[Vella_Malachite]

W00T! W00T!

Thanking everyone for the kind advice. It worked wonders!

I'm still shaking!

The long and short of it is, we're going to a movie and a dinner in a couple of weeks, and maybe going back to his place afterwards (for video games, gutterminds).

I also think I'm one of the first people ever to finish a date proposition with "Crap. Mental blank." :smallbiggrin:

But all's well that ends well. I'll probably hang around the thread for a while to see if I can return the favour at all.

Now, excuse me while I find a convenient rooftop.

[xPANCAKEx]

Vella

i would have said do it face to face, and don't plan what you're going to say too much (overthinking is an enemy of romance) - but seems it worked out for you. Good stuff.

Coidzilla

it depends how you present the information you're imparting. As long as you take it down the "have you ever tried it with/tried doing it like" (or variation there off) route as everyone has their own cooking style... but if they ask how you make your stuff it can be a fun discussion. AND lead to all sorts of excuses to hang out and make tasty food - be it friendship or romance, hangouts + tasty food is NEVER unwelcomed

[Sipex]

Vella seems to have gotten her problem solved but for anyone who reads and is too scared to ask I'll impart my wisdom.

That guy/girl you want to ask out? They're not judging you by how you ask them out, they either don't see it coming or feel the same way about you and chances are will accept regardless of the way you ask them out. Remember, they're human too and suffer all the same insecurities and problems with dating that you do. (heck, they have probably asked the same questions you're asking right now on a public forum just like this).

[xPANCAKEx]

Vella seems to have gotten her problem solved but for anyone who reads and is too scared to ask I'll impart my wisdom.

That guy/girl you want to ask out? They're not judging you by how you ask them out, they either don't see it coming or feel the same way about you and chances are will accept regardless of the way you ask them out. Remember, they're human too and suffer all the same insecurities and problems with dating that you do. (heck, they have probably asked the same questions you're asking right now on a public forum just like this).

i'd definately disagree with this - i definately judge a person by their method of asking me out. My thinking is: if you like someone and want to ttry taking it further, show them - don't hide away. For me, there is no embarressment or shame involved in being turned down. I'll respect a girl a lot more if she takes the gamble and asks me to my face, infact on one or two occasions its tipped things in their favour (on those occasions it put them in a new light that i'd never seen them in before). I like confident women - i find it attractive. If a girls not got the guts to ask me to my face then im usually not interested... so i guess it depends on your audience.

Confidence is universally attractive. If you're making a play for someone, use all the confidence you can muster

every once in a while you'll get your ego dented by being knocked back, but unless you've done something stupid/unhealthy like building the person up as the best-thing-since-sliced-bread or being "the one", it really truely is a case of what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger

that... and i find the idea of asking someone out for a date with the full intention of starting something (as opposed to a casual 'test the water' date) over the medium of IM mighty impersonal - and that relates back to confidence

[Hadrian_Emrys]

Offering "pointers" in anything can come across as condescending/chauvinistic if you're not careful.

"I hear that turning the oven on usually helps speed up cooking time." :smallbiggrin:

[Quincunx]

. . .shaddup. (leaves to turn on the oven)

It was an epiphany of living together that living together did not necessarily mean eating the same meal, although 'at the same time' should be fought for tooth and nail. Amazing the snowdrifts of 'but I don't like this' and 'didn't we just eat this' and 'you prepare this weird' resentment which can build up before realizing this.

[Alarra]

I personally have never thought less of someone because they asked me out via im, email, or a note passed across the classroom, and am just as likely to say yes as if they asked me out in person. How they ask me out doesn't matter, at least to me. It's whether I like them that's the important part. Although actually, thinking back, I don't think I've ever said 'no' to someone that asked me out, so maybe I'm not the best person to offer advice.

Being shy, I actually prefer non-face-to-face mediums initially because it gives me a few seconds at least to think of a good response without looking like a tongue-tied idiot.

[Cobra_Ikari]

I'd prefer asking out face-to-face, but I had to ask the girl I like outover phone, because of her...clingy "bodyguard" :smallsigh:.

Still, better over the phone than in text/IM. >.>

[Hadrian_Emrys]

I'd prefer asking out face-to-face, but I had to ask the girl I like outover phone, because of her...clingy "bodyguard" :smallsigh:.

Still, better over the phone than in text/IM. >.>

Screw that noise! If I was single, or in an otherwise acceptable position to be asking, no possessive troll would keep me from asking someone out. As a matter of fact, I'd probably go out of my way to ensure that it was done in front of them so as to drive the point home that the person was not their, or anyone's, property.