Advice on moving in with a significant other

[Ditto]

My girlfriend of 6 months and I are starting to consider moving into an apartment together sometime around the beginning of the new year, within 6 months from now. We both live at home with our parents after graduating college a year or two ago. It's not a very defined idea right now, but we're seriously starting to kick it around. I'm wondering if anyone around here has thoughts on cohabitation - bonuses, pitfalls, general things to think about when getting your own place for the first time AND doing so with a significant other.

[snoopy13a]

Well, there are the obvious roommate type things to work out such as the dividing up of chores, bills and whether or not to get stuff like cable. You'll probably also have to worry about furniture. Overall, if you think that you're ready to move in together, go for it.

[Serpentine]

If you break up, stop living together.

This bears repeating, so:

If you break up, stop living together.
If you break up, stop living together.
If you break up, stop living together.
If you break up, stop living together.

Other than that... Eh. I don't think it's all that big a deal, but then I've lived with my last two boyfriends from the very beginning <.<

Oh, and seriously, if you break up, stop living together. Even if you think you'll be okay.

[mercurymaline]

My main advice would be, don't. If anything goes south, a previously sensible person can become a raving lunatic, chopping up things and leaving them on your car. Or, y'know, whatever.

For the love of all that's holy, keep your stuff separate; know which DVDs, game systems, etc. are yours and which are hers. DO NOT get a "shared" pet.

[Solaris]

Yeah... Don't do that. Most ex-girlfriends don't do the wanton property damage thing, and keeping track of who's is who's is telling her you're planning on her becoming an ex-girlfriend.
You can see how this is a bad plan.
She'll catch on to hints that you're doing it, and if you can't trust her that much with simple property then what in blazes are you doing moving in with her?

[Ditto]

I am 0% worried about her going wackadoodle on me. Not looking for 'how to protect yourself when it goes HORRIBLY south' advice, heh. That said, there could still be difficult issues that need sorting out. I know chores and things will be afoot, but those are easy enough - she *likes* cleaning bathrooms and desperately wants her own kitchen, so I'm free there! :smallsmile: Also not looking for any pets now... the free-roaming kind are messy, and one perk of our own place will be no more hair from her dogs.

I'm not worried about confusion or spatting over electronics, either. More like the adjustments you don't necessarily expect (checking for leaky faucets and busted lightbulbs is easy). For instance, it's an adjustment to get used to sleeping in the same bed with someone. I'm a lighter sleeper than she is and I expect I'll be wakened more til I'm habituated to her, based on the nights we've slept over.

[Whoracle]

Be sure to get an apartement with either
- 2 big rooms (one living room and one bedroom/leisure room hybrid) or
- 3 rooms (one living room ,one bedroom, one leisure room)

That way, when you start getting on each others nerves (and believe me, no matter how much you wuv each other, you WILL), both of you'll have a place to draw back to.
This really is essential. Believe me on that one.

[Cristo Meyers]

Be sure to get an apartement with either
- 2 big rooms (one living room and one bedroom/leisure room hybrid) or
- 3 rooms (one living room ,one bedroom, one leisure room)

That way, when you start getting on each others nerves (and believe me, no matter how much you wuv each other, you WILL), both of you'll have a place to draw back to.
This really is essential. Believe me on that one.

This man speaks the god's-honest truth. If you don't have some way of getting away from each other for at least a little while, you can expect to be at each other's throats within a matter of months, if not weeks.

[Serpentine]

and keeping track of who's is who's is telling her you're planning on her becoming an ex-girlfriend.I disagree. Keeping track of what's whose is just sharehousing common sense.

[Quincunx]

Amen to the separation of space, unless one of you is a nature child and can recharge in the outdoors at any time of day.

[EDIT: I don't think you will be getting away from "her" dogs. Even if you don't cave into smuggling them into the apartment, if the fur is that clingy you'll still be vacuuming it off of transported items.]

The following are general notes for housemates, not so much romantic ones:

Both starting from scratch? There'll be things you bring in duplicate and there'll be things you both overlook. Put aside some money [EDIT: Think of it as pre-paying rent for the next six months, getting into the habit of setting cash aside] against those early purchases, getting another key cut (will they never issue enough to begin with? would make life easier), and those utility deposits.

You're ahead of me on the "leaky faucets and busted lightbulbs" bit, so I'll just summarize what's left over by saying 'don't be the first to live there'. (Some distant day, I might even heed that advice.) Something that sort-of-works is better than something which never did work.

There are two types of people neater than you are: one will hate you forever if you attempt to clean and don't clean up to standard, the other will be grateful for cleaning help even if isn't done well. Find out which you're living with.

Will the lease be in both your names? Will there be co-signers to take up financial slack? Every person in the household should have their name on at least one bill for proof of residence, and assign the non-essentials like internet to the known slacker.

[Ditto]

I have a solid stash saved for set-up money. I have a solid job and no college bills, so I'm in a good place. Living at home has been a boon for two years as well. :)

Good call on separate space. That's something she's very aware of in her house currently and it grates on her when her parents come to visit & chat while she's trying to have alone time. (She recently discovered that I can be around doing my own thing in the room with her and it still counts as alone-time. Wacky fun!) I don't see us living in a hole-in-the-wall apartment, so that should be taken care of.

I know dogs don't entirely disappear - she told me it was months before her clothes would be dog-free at college, and I've found hairs from Toby the dog on my things taken on vacations in the past few months (he's world traveller many times over!). But it's nice to not have to deal with it being EVERYwhere on your clothes, or in clumps in corners around the house. I stayed with a friend for a long weekend once, and there was dog hair from her two dogs all around. Very nice house, just not swept terrifically well. Skeeved me out a little bit.

She is neater than I am. I'm not dirty-messy, I'm 'Let's put everything neatly into piles everywhere'. Less organized, I guess, would be the distinction.

[valadil]

I moved in with my gf about a year ago. It's awesome. Here are some words of warning.

Have you ever had roommates before? You said you live at home, but went to college, so presumably you lived with people as an undergrad. Roommates fight. It's gonna happen. But now every time you have a roommate fight it automatically escalates to relationship fight. This really sucks.

You will be around each other constantly. This is both good and bad. Make sure you have separate hobbies. If you're doing all the same stuff all the time you'll get sick of each other. What's really nice about this though is that you can do other things and still have together time. If I go off to play D&D, we can still eat dinner before game and go to bed after game together.

If you've lived with roommates in college, you've probably noticed how all your stuff gets shoveled into one room and there's a minimal amount of common stuff in public areas. This doesn't have to be the case living with an SO. All the space is everyone's. You don't have to worry about leaving your DVDs out in the common room or something like that.

[snoopy13a]

I have a solid stash saved for set-up money. I have a solid job and no college bills, so I'm in a good place. Living at home has been a boon for two years as well. :)



Basically, you'll probably need to come up with the first month's rent plus security deposit (often a month's rent worth). You also may need to put down deposits for utilities.

Some things to consider when looking for apartments are:

1) Does it have off-street parking?
2) Is heat included in the rent (if you live in an area where you have cold winters, heat is expensive)?
3) If heat isn't included, what type is it (gas is usually cheaper than electric)?
4) Neighborhood- if you're by a college, there will be parties and drunk people yelling at night. If you're on the wrong side of the tracks, some of your neighbors could be the criminal types
5) Are there laundry sites nearby or will you have to go to a laudroment/parents' house?
6) Are there extras like a gym or pool?
7) Is it within walking distance to your job or public transportation (if you want to save gas money by not driving to work)
8) Does it allow pets?
9) Is it a complex or a landlord owning a house? Complexes tend to have paid maintanance people but are usually more expensive. A private landlord is hit or miss. My best landlord was a private owner but you could end up with a slumlord type.

[raitalin]

Yep, separate space is the first priority, I think.

If she's taking care of the dirtiest jobs (kitchen and bathroom, you're gonna want an auto dishwasher) then make sure you do...pretty much everything else. Girls like floors vacuumed once a week or so, and dust shouldn't get to the point where running your hand across a bookshelf produces anything like a "string."

Make sure there's an agreement on finances. It doesn't really matter if its 50/50 or whatever, just make sure both parties know whats expected of them. Doesn't sound like it'll be an issue in your case, but its a common problem.

While its best if you both sign the lease, it doesn't really matter who turns on the utilities. If one of you doesn't have any history of paying for utilities then they should turn them on to generate one.

Sharing a bed was rough for us, especially since I work odd hours and she's a very...aggressive sleeper. If it gets bad, sleep somewhere else, but never stop sleeping together entirely.

[Trog]

All I can say is good luck. Speaking from experience, that arrangement doesn't always work out, unfortunately - no matter how lovey-dovey you are with one another beforehand. First of all it changes the dynamic of the relationship drastically and brings in it's own whole new set of things that you and your S.O. may or may not be compatible in. Add that to not having a lot of space to retreat to (even if you do have more than one living area) and things can go downhill quickly if you are not careful.

I guess my best advice is to make sure you are still communicating with one another - most especially about compromises you'd like to make with your S.O. as a result of now living with them (not just complaints as this is just asking for trouble down the line. Don't come to the table with a pet peeve if you don't also come ready to possibly have to make a concession of some sort in exchange, otherwise you really aren't really cooperating). Do this before you move in with one another if possible to get your disagreements out before neither of you has any space to retreat to in the result of a heated dispute. Not always possible I know as issues you hadn't considered are bound to pop up. Also a good idea to square away the financial specifics as much as possible beforehand. And also make an agreement about what happens if the financials do unexpectedly go south for whatever reason.

I guess if I ever find myself facing that sort of situation again that's what I'd do.

[HellfireLover]

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Pretty much the key to successfully living with each other without one or t'other of your making with the stranglies is to talk about what's bothering you.

But I see Trog got there before me on that one. :smalltongue:

Seriously though, even if your partner loves cleaning (or says she does), do your part. Agree some chores with her, and prepare to be flexible on it. Slow, simmering resentment over little things can half-kill a relationship (particularly if someone isn't too good at the communication bit.)

Sort out the finances well in advance, it's also a big deal. The fair way is to make it a proportion of your earnings, then whoever earns more, pays more, and no-one's nose gets too knocked out of joint. Again, be prepared to be flexible. Make contingency plans. What if one of you gets sick? Or laid off? It sounds mercenary, but making plans for these things in advance could really save your hide (and save you from having to put virtually everything you own on eBay - yeah, guess who didn't plan ahead.)

Never walk out of the house after a row. Go somewhere else inside the house to cool down. People do stupid things when they're mad, like locking you out when it's below freezing and you're only wearing pyjamas. And: apologize when you're wrong, do it immediately, do it whole-heartedly. But you probably don't need me telling you this. :smallredface:

But Yeah. Communicate. Seriously. If you can talk openly and without fear to your partner, then you're halfway to harmonious living already.

[Telonius]

I lived with my girlfriend for two years before we got married - we'll be celebrating our fourth anniversary in a few months. That's about a 20-year marriage in Hollywood years. While I know our relationship worked out pretty well, there are tons of statistics out there that show most of the time it doesn't. There are a few things I attribute our success to:

- Communication. Seriously. Third time in three posts that this has been mentioned, but it is that important. If something's bothering you, let her know soon before it blows up into something big. This is important advice in any relationship, but living together makes it that much more urgent.
- Honesty. Be honest with yourselves and with each other. If you trick yourself into believing that her snoring isn't bothering you, or that you really do/don't want the relationship to lead to marriage, etc., then you're sabotaging yourself. (Not least because you can't communicate something if you don't admit it to yourself).
- Humility. Neither of you are as wonderfully perfect as you believe you are. Living with somebody will prove that. Be willing to take fair criticism when it's given, and use that criticism to improve.
- Trust. The relationship goes nowhere without this.

Finances are another huge deal. Statistically, they're the source of most fights in marriage. I don't know if there's any data about cohabiting couples, but I wouldn't imagine there would be a big difference. Sort this out immediately, and know all the rules going in. Showing your bank account does involve a good deal of trust on both sides. If you've splurged on the credit cards or you owe Guido $500 by next Tuesday or he breaks your kneecaps, don't hide it from your partner. My wife was a bit scared going into that with me, since she had a large amount of student loans; but I took it in stride and was glad she was honest.

This might or might not work for you, but it did for us: Keep a budget, and schedule monthly business meetings to discuss finances. Have those meetings somewhere other than your apartment. (We went to the local coffee shop). It's neutral ground, and a public place, so we're more likely to be on good behavior if a financial grenade does happen to go off.

[Ditto]

If I might ask - how old were some of you folks when you moved in together, and how long had you been going out at the time? Serp, I know you said you started out that way with two guys, which is mind-boggling to me. :smalleek: An external hurdle we'll have to face is family disapproval, I'm sure, moving in together (one bed, egods! The scandal!) will be a touchy subject particularly for my family. I'm the oldest of my generation, I get to be the trailblazer, yay... >_<

Communication is most defintiely key. Mission accomplished there, we're big on that and it's fun when we hit the brainwave and have been fussing over the same problem separately before bringing it to each other and being like, "Whoa, I was just thinking that..."

I make more than she does, but she's been in the process of hunting for a job in her field which should make things more balanced in the immediate future. It's sort of important that she be making more just for her own piece of mind in moving out, too. Splitting 50/50 or taking turns seems easy enough.

I shared a room two years in college, where we basically just happened to share the same space and never got in the other's way, and lived in a single apartment for two years (which worked great because of the odd hours I'd keep). We never had any roomie-from-hell issues to talk out. I'm a pleasant enough roommate when it comes to college style living, but that featured lots of meal plans and other such low-maintenance housing issues. I'm glad she knows her way around the kitchen better than I do!

I don't spent much on large things, not having credit card debt is another plus we have going into this.

I'm not worried about that statistic about 'Cohabitating couples never work out in marriages'. That's influenced by so many other factors that it's a useless figure. Couples who have a healthy, dediated, long-term relationship are on par with people who wait til after marriage to move in. And perhaps even better than the statistic show, since more conservative couples who wouldn't move in before marriage probably would be less like to divorce for those same value-choice reasons, even if they really want to split.

I'm definitely going to do my part cleaning. I'm just not exactly disappointed in the fact that she finds cleaning bathrooms soothing for some reason. :smallbiggrin:

[Cristo Meyers]

25, started living together at 22, married just before 23. Going out almost 4 years when we started living together.

[Shadow]

I've skimmed through this and most of it is good advice, but I didn't see one important point.

I'm assuming that you'll be renting an apartment/flat. Get something that either of you could possible afford on your own. No matter how much you think you know each other, living together will bring out new and exciting aspects of your personalities. These may or may not be good things to discover. Probably a little bit of both. On the off chance that it just doesn't work out after these changes, whose credit will go into the crapper after the break? The answer is neither - if you don't lose the apartment because one of you can afford it.

This may be difficult to find, as you need space, but might not be able to afford it. Shop around wisely.

[Krrth]

If I might ask - how old were some of you folks when you moved in together, and how long had you been going out at the time?

In my case, we had been dating about 3 years before renting a house together. Age wise we were both 24....ish. I think.

[JonestheSpy]

One little thing - have you travelled together much? If not, consider going away camping or something for a week and see how you feel at the end of it.

Obviously different in many ways, but the constant close proximity and the division of money/chores involved in i such a venture can give you a hint about what it'll be like cohabitating.

[Telonius]

I'm 28 now, I was 21 when we started dating, 22 when we started living together, and 24 when we got married. (Momentarily thunderstruck at the realization I've known her for a quarter of my life. :smallredface:)

[Ditto]

Isn't that sort of math swell? I love finding those numbers. :smallsmile:

We've been trying to get out camping - she quite enjoys it, and I've never been. (Not sure if I'm gonna love it, but it's a chance for us to be off away together so I won't knock it yet!) We've done a few overnight trips visiting folks or weddings or whatever and totally didn't get sick of each other after 36 hours or so of constant contact. She's commented positively on the happy oddity that she never gets tired of having me around - and she routinely finds that happens with her best friend, where they grate on each other after seeing each other too-frequently or over the course of a weeklong vacation. I'm much mellower than the friend, though... I'm a very type-B personality, or so her mother incessantly tells me.

[HellfireLover]

My husband and I were both 24 when he moved in with me. Six months before that I'd given him a key to my flat as a Valentine's present. We'd been going out for less than a year when we moved in together, and we got the usual doom and gloom. However, despite the naysayers and the distinct absence of good advice as above (:smalltongue:) we have a pretty good relationship.

Unfortunately we're both drama queens. I'm serious when I tell you not to let anyone lock you out of the house when it's past freezing. That was one of the less pleasant experiences of cohabiting. :smallwink:

[FoE]

On a related note, I just moved into a house with my serious long-time girlfriend.

Actually, she already had the house. I just moved in with her.

Actually, we're not really sharing the same space. The house is kind of small, so I'm sleeping in the attic. But we both pay the bills and share food.

Actually, I'm not really "living" in the attic so much as "lurking" there. I move around the house by crawling through the walls. I survive by scavenging food from the trash and eating whatever small animals I can catch.

Actually, she's not technically my girlfriend. Or knows that I exist. She's just a girl I happened to spot one day at a coffee shop about three months ago and followed home. But she is my true love and one day we will be together forever.

Anyways, hope your new living arrangement works out!

[Shadow]

I haven't seen FoE in so long I'd forgotten how much missed him. :smallbiggrin:

[Quincunx]

Heck, that can happen even without the drama--which is why I said what I did about having keys cut. I swear there is some line in the lease which, translated into Common, states that the number of keys to be given to X occupants is X-1.

[Gnomo]

Hahaha, funny.

If you're a messy person and she's not, work on that! You can't imagine how many fights that will provoke. And don't try the "accept me the way I am" thing, that's a lost battle with women, just don't be so messy and she will think you're "improving".

[Ichneumon]

On a related note, I just moved into an house with my serious long-time girlfriend.

Actually, she already had the house. I just moved in with her.

Actually, we're not really sharing the same space. The house is kind of small, so I'm sleeping in the attic. But we both pay the bills and share food.

Actually, I'm not really "living" in the attic so much as "lurking" there. I move around the house by crawling through the walls. I survive by scavenging food from the trash and eating whatever small animals I can catch.

Actually, she's not technically my girlfriend. Or knows that I exist. She's just a girl I happened to spot one day at a coffee shop about three months ago and followed home. But she is my true love and one day we will be together forever.


That really freaked me out in a humorous kind of way.:smalltongue:

[TRM]

Isn't that sort of math swell? I love finding those numbers. :smallsmile:

We've been trying to get out camping - she quite enjoys it, and I've never been. (Not sure if I'm gonna love it, but it's a chance for us to be off away together so I won't knock it yet!) We've done a few overnight trips visiting folks or weddings or whatever and totally didn't get sick of each other after 36 hours or so of constant contact. She's commented positively on the happy oddity that she never gets tired of having me around - and she routinely finds that happens with her best friend, where they grate on each other after seeing each other too-frequently or over the course of a weeklong vacation. I'm much mellower than the friend, though... I'm a very type-B personality, or so her mother incessantly tells me.
Try spending a whole weekend together? That's what I'd recommend, from my 16 year-old single-person's brain. One night isn't really long enough to get sick of each other at all, and a longer taste will probably be good—before you're living together.

[Hell Puppi]

Clean your own dishes and pick up your dirty clothes.
Even if it's 'her job' in the chore division to clean dishes and do laundry. :smalltongue:

[Ditto]

FoE = Edward Cullen?

Yeah, a proper weekend of camping away is definitely pencilled in for the future... hopefully soon... with the school year starting up again soon, my siblings' activities take up a lot of my weekend scheduling time. Alas.

General doing of dishes is no sweat, and I prefer to do my own laundry anyway. Done and done! Look how easy cohabitation is! :smallbiggrin:

There's no such thing as a fixer-upper, and it's a scary/strange delusion girls have when they think they can completely overall their fella. Tweaks = yes. Butt-scratching biker to high-society My Fair Lady? Not so much.

Though speaking of behavioral tweaks, I'm totally making her flip a coin over the seat up/seat down issue. My household is 4 men/2 women, so seat up is the norm. Hers is 2 women/1 man, so it's seat down there. She chides if she catches the seat up. When we move in it's a 50-50 household. Not that I'll go out of my way to leave it up, I'm usually good about putting the seat down and all, but we're going to flip a coin - if I win, should I happen to leave the seat up, she doesn't get to needle me. (I haven't told her about this proposal yet. I wonder how that'll go over... :smallamused:)

[Cristo Meyers]

Clean your own dishes and pick up your dirty clothes.
Even if it's 'her job' in the chore division to clean dishes and do laundry. :smalltongue:

Personally I've of the opinion that you don't volunteer for a chore and then have someone else do it, but there are certain...benefits these actions can have.

[Hell Puppi]

Personally I've of the opinion that you don't volunteer for a chore and then have someone else do it, but there are certain...benefits these actions can have.

Well it's more along the lines of 'don't leave glasses everywhere and rinse off your own plate' for the dishes and 'don't leave dirty clothes laying on the floor'.

Because it's irritating to have to soak a dish with crusted-on cheese that's been sitting on the computer desk all night and then realize there's a pile of dirty clothes in your living room. It's just a courtesy, to me, maybe because I was raised that way and think guys who don't do this want a mom to clean up after them instead of a wife/girlfriend. I'm biased.

...and yes, there are benefits to doing this. :smalltongue:

[Phaedra]

Y'know, I was planning to ask the Playground this very question some time soon, but you have beaten me to it! Pah.

Sooooo... I have nothing to add of use, but I will be taking all the advice in this thread and pondering it deeply in those moments when I panic madly with the thought that my boyfriend is moving into my flat in just over a week. :smalleek:

Oh, and good luck!

[Mordokai]

Personally I've of the opinion that you don't volunteer for a chore and then have someone else do it, but there are certain...benefits these actions can have.

You don't get beat up as much as you would be otherwise?

Ok, ok, I'm leaving, put the torches and pitchforks down! Jeez...

And sorry, but I can't help you much with your question. Seeing that I don't even have an SO, much less living with one, there isn't really a whole lot I can do for you.

[Douglas]

Though speaking of behavioral tweaks, I'm totally making her flip a coin over the seat up/seat down issue. My household is 4 men/2 women, so seat up is the norm. Hers is 2 women/1 man, so it's seat down there. She chides if she catches the seat up. When we move in it's a 50-50 household. Not that I'll go out of my way to leave it up, I'm usually good about putting the seat down and all, but we're going to flip a coin - if I win, should I happen to leave the seat up, she doesn't get to needle me. (I haven't told her about this proposal yet. I wonder how that'll go over... :smallamused:)
My brother-in-law's decree, which my sister accepted, is that having either position preferred is gender biased. If there is an official preferred toilet seat position in their household, it is to have both the seat and the seat cover down, as this position has a reasonable aesthetic and accident prevention argument in favor of it that is completely unrelated to gender. I'm not sure whether they ended up going with that position or none (i.e. leave it whichever way you like, neither party is allowed to complain seriously).

[Roukon]

Another thing to consider is that some states have laws against unmarried couples cohabitating. Many rental companies in the state will ignore the law, but if you get one who is a stickler for the law, he or she may not be willing to rent to you for that reason.

Aside from that, I agree with what a lot of others have said. Be sure to communicate and have spaces to yourselves for when you need them.

[Cristo Meyers]

Well it's more along the lines of 'don't leave glasses everywhere and rinse off your own plate' for the dishes and 'don't leave dirty clothes laying on the floor'.

I meant more along the lines of "don't say you'll do the dishes and then let them sit there for days".


Because it's irritating to have to soak a dish with crusted-on cheese that's been sitting on the computer desk all night and then realize there's a pile of dirty clothes in your living room. It's just a courtesy, to me, maybe because I was raised that way and think guys who don't do this want a mom to clean up after them instead of a wife/girlfriend. I'm biased.

If there's a pile of clothing in the living room there'd better be a damn good reason...

...probably one related to the aforementioned benefits...



...and yes, there are benefits to doing this. :smalltongue:

Well, if you're the type to leave clothing lying around the living room the benefit is "not being strung up by your nosehairs and left for the vermin". :smallwink:

[Hell Puppi]

Hehe good to see we're on the same page. :smallwink:

Most people are good about it, it's just if you're used to living on your own for a while sometimes you forget about stuff like that.

[Umael]

To get an idea how well the two of you can stand each other, go camping for a weekend and make sure to rough it as much as possible. In addition - do NOT touch each other*!

Whenever people who are attracted to each other touch, present concerns and issues weighing on the mind tend to fade into the background. Without the reassurance of physical contact, you are forced to deal with the person with whom you want to cohabitat.

* - Barring emergencies, of course.

[Lupy]

In addition - do NOT touch each other*!
* - Barring emergencies, of course.

In order to avoid touching each other you have a few options:

-Agree to it. The easiest to carry out... And to ignore.

-Get poison oak all over your body. There will be no voluntary touching after this.

-Scream "Don't touch me!" without an explanation every time she gets close. This will be a hilarious inside joke later as an added benefit.

:smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

If I might ask - how old were some of you folks when you moved in together, and how long had you been going out at the time? Serp, I know you said you started out that way with two guys, which is mind-boggling to me. :smalleek:My ex and I went to the same residential college. We were both 18 when we got together. To start with he was way over the other side of the building from me, but then he moved to my side. Weren't sharing a room, but we did more or less have the same address <.< Anyway, about a year after that, we moved into a residential village - somewhere between the college and a house. Everyone had units of 4 (or 6, or 8) people, with their own kitchens and loungerooms and the like. Basically living in town, except in a big community. Anyway, we shared one of the units with two other friends. After another year and a half of that, we moved into a house in town. To start with, we had a housemate, but that went poorly and she moved out. After we broke up, we stayed living together. Everyone was very right to criticise us for that. It contributed heavily to the utter obliteration of what remained of our relationship. Seriously. If you break up, stop living together.

My current Boy, he hated his housemates and was looking for somewhere to move at the same time as I was looking for someone to move in (incidentally, one of his former housemates was the girl who also contributed heavily to the aformentioned obliteration). The decision for him to move in was made before we hooked up. Jury's still out on whether this'll go badly... 'specially as we're in an open relationship <.< We do have a 3rd housemate, as well.
Oh, and I'm now 23 (or was it 22? Crap, I've forgotten my own age :smalleek:), and he's 25.
23. Damn, I'm getting old :smallfrown:
:smalltongue:

edit: On the toilet seat issue, I maintain that if a man is absolutely super-duper pants-wetting busting, he can do it with the toilet seat down (with care, and wiping up any mess afterwards), or even outside. If a woman is absolutely super-duper pants-wetting busting, she cannot do it with the toilet seat up, or outside, and those seconds putting it down can mean the difference between dry underwear and wet... I don't mind the more equalizing policy of having both seat and lid down, though.

[Pyrian]

23. Damn, I'm getting old :smallfrown:
:smalltongue::smalleek: Oh hush. :smallcool:

[Trog]

I'm now 23 (or was it 22? Crap, I've forgotten my own age :smalleek:)
It happens to the best of us. I'm now... um...

*counts on fingers, takes off shoes and counts on toes, counts on finger and then toes again.*


Four.


On the toilet seat issue *spoileréd to avoid your boredom as I'm sure I've posted about this before*
I NEVER LEARNED TO READ PEEEEEE! *sobs*

...

Okay so seriously:I actually completely close the toilet every time - seat and lid. I do this because I got into the habit of doing it after I returned home from class in college and found my tiny baby kitten soaking wet and in the toilet, unable to get out because he was so little. There was a lot of pathetic mewing, soaking wet kitten fluff, shivering, and big confused sad eyes. Most. Pathetic. Sight. Ever.

Anyway, toilet closed from then on, Even after the cat has passed on. Habit.

[Serpentine]

I do this because I got into the habit of doing it after I returned home from class in college and found my tiny baby kitten soaking wet and in the toilet, unable to get out because he was so little. There was a lot of pathetic mewing, soaking wet kitten fluff, shivering, and big confused sad eyes. Most. Pathetic. Sight. Ever.Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. That would've been the most tangled mess of adorable, heartbreaking and hilarious.

[Thrawn183]

Yeah, I always completely close the toilet...but just because.

When figuring out finances, also figure out if you're going to share groceries. With non-SO's I seriously recommend against it as each person has an incentive to spend more so as to not be getting the short end of the stick. Depending on whether or not you always eat the same food this may not apply.

Noise. If a person is sitting in a room, do they mind you talking on the phone in the same room or would they prefer you taking the call in another room? Is there a certain type of sound that they can't stand? I, for example, can't stand the sound of packing peanuts or the bags of some chips. I also can't stand the sound of someone breathing loudly.
Smells. Bodily function, some people find it funny, others awkward.
Friends. If your SO doesn't get along with all of your friends, you might have to find a new place to hang out. If your So doesn't get along with ANY of your friends, you might want to find a new SO.
Cleaning. It's been mentioned, but it's crucial. Remember, a small irritant has potentially years to build up into something big.
Showers. Shower together or not. You'll need to get a morning schedule so that one doesn't make the other late for work.
Assertiveness. Stick up for yourself. Yes, you should try to get along, but that means both sides need to compromise. If you are the only one who bends on issues, it will get to you eventually.

Things to avoid: Joint ownership of things that you wouldn't want one of yourself. Both sides love to play Wii? Great, buying one jointly saves money and if things go poorly, one side buys out the other and the other buys another wii. OtoH, if one side wants it and the other doesn't but wants to be compensated for their half, things get messier. After all, do you get compensated for the original half or the half that you could sell it for used? It just causes problems.

Things to keep in mind: The biggest obstacle to moving in together is spending time together in a manner that is fairly mundane. Relationships need fire and romance. The fact that you're living together does not in any way mean that you're "spending time together." Keep thinking of yourselves as dating so that you remember not to get too complacent.

If you make a real effort to not step on each other's toes even if things end they shouldn't end too badly.

[Pika...]

My girlfriend of 6 months and I are starting to consider moving into an apartment together sometime around the beginning of the new year, within 6 months from now. We both live at home with our parents after graduating college a year or two ago. It's not a very defined idea right now, but we're seriously starting to kick it around. I'm wondering if anyone around here has thoughts on cohabitation - bonuses, pitfalls, general things to think about when getting your own place for the first time AND doing so with a significant other.

Aww. Congratulations dude.

Can't give advice, since I am not qualified to, but take it from the sad and lonely that you're a lucky man!

[Raistlin1040]

Another thing to consider is that some states have laws against unmarried couples cohabitating. Many rental companies in the state will ignore the law, but if you get one who is a stickler for the law, he or she may not be willing to rent to you for that reason.

Aside from that, I agree with what a lot of others have said. Be sure to communicate and have spaces to yourselves for when you need them.

...What?

I'm sorry sir, I'm going to need some proof of that claim.

[RabbitHoleLost]

...What?

I'm sorry sir, I'm going to need some proof of that claim.

Here you go. (http://www.unmarriedamerica.org/News-About-Us/Anti-cohabitation.htm)

[Roukon]

Here you go. (http://www.unmarriedamerica.org/News-About-Us/Anti-cohabitation.htm)

Thank you, RHL. North Dakota is one of those states where if a landlord wants to, they can refuse an umarried couple from living together. The law has been tried to change for a few times for being outdated, but the more conservative members of the state Congress will not go for it. However, many landlords in the Fargo area ignore the law, because this is a large college town.

[Anuan]

I lived with my girlfriend for a year. I have lived with my ex-girlfriend since then. Remember that it's possible for you to break up.

If you can be friends afterwards (or friends with benefits, or whatever, as long as you're both comfortable sharing a lot of time with each other) it can still work.

My ex and I are basically like best friends; because we've shared so much intimacy etc for so long, we've nothing to hide or keep or whatever, and even if we did we know the other would find out eventually cause we know each other so well. We occasionally share a bed and just talk and cuddle until we fall asleep.

It's rare for ex's to remain that good of friends, though, so remember that you may have to move out.

[pendell]

Hmm .. I met my SO in Dec 1993, Married her in February 1 1994 (Happy Imbolc, though we didn't know it at the time), moved into a brand new apartment with her about two days later. Not a path I would necessarily recommend. We really needed more time to know each other *as people* first.

We're still married today.

But I'd be lying if I said the way we felt for each other has remained constant. More like death and rebirth.

It took about five years for the first love-at-first-sight puppy love to die, and another few years for the new, mature love we feel for each other -- a love that is to that first puppy love as the ocean is to a puddle -- to start developing. We've been through life together, through job loss and health problems and lost children and struggles of all kinds, and we've come to the point where we really trust each other. Where whatever happens, we know the other person will be there in our corner.

And we only reached that point because we stuck it out when the first emotional rush had died a horrible flaming death due to disappointment and reality.

And that's why I'd say the number one thing to take to a long-term relationship like ours isn't love. It's Honor. An unshakeable will to make the relationship work, no matter what sacrifices are necessary to make that happen. A determination not to give up on the other person, no matter how deeply they disappoint you.

Of course, there are still 'red lines' like physical abuse that would immediately end the relationship. Those red lines have to be there or people will sometimes be tempted to treat their SO really horribly because they know their SO will take whatever they do. But *within* reason, I would say that's the number one thing to a long-term relationship: Honor, both in the sense of treating your partner honorably, and a commitment not to leave when the going gets tough ... and it will!

Respectfully,

Brian P.

[Delwugor]

I'm going to talk to you about sex ... well not the basics. :smallbiggrin:

There is alot more opportunity to have sex but you will also run into the situation where one of you wont want to. Sometimes that can be feel like rejection, but taking it that way can cause serious problems. Offer cuddling, holding hands and maybe some lite play which shows the same feelings without the sex.

Another is that you will have more time to have sex. USE IT. What I mean is that you can take your time and enjoy each other physically and emotionally. At least once a week spend a 2-3 hr night and get to know what you both really like from each other.

Finally moving in together is a commitment and will take work to make work. Most likely at some point you could both be faced with making more commitments and the amount of work need for that is even higher. Just something to keep in mind.

Though Mrs D and I didn't technically live together, I was basically staying at her place every night for 6 months before we got married. And that was 18 years ago... :eek::annoyed::biggrin:

[Ditto]

This is a fun thread. Thanks for everyone chiming in!

Yes, the neutral position on the toilet seat issue is all-lids-down, and that's a very fine position indeed for those of us with kittens. (If we ever get a pet, it'll totally be a cat.) But that's an extra step that I didn't have to do before, and I'm going out of my way to flip two lids to be PC? Forget that. S'better to leave the lid up and eliminate all risk of dribbling on the seat. (I feel for you if you've been in a bladder-burstingly-close emergency situation, Serp, but I think if the seat being up or down would have made the difference, then you're just going to have to pee your pants a little and have a great story to tell. Heck, it might even convince me to always put the seat down in the future. Totally worth it! :smallbiggrin:)

And on that note, I agree that trust & honor are the crucial backbone to any relationship. (And a good sense of humor, apparently.) We started out as the result of a strange and bad incident that might have led to us not being friends anymore but worked out for the best in the end, so we've been through a round of that already.

I'm not one for leaving dirty clothes all around the living space, just respectable piles in the bedroom. It's classy when you drape it over a chair or something, see.

Yes, there are half a dozen states that prohibit cohabitation but I'm not in one of them. And also-yes, those laws are usually ignored for the everyday folks. Interesting link, though... lots of neat articles.

Most of my friends are college friends scattered all around now and we usually meet up with younger buddies at the college. She's gotten on swimmingly with them. Her friends are more high school friends, who form most of our day-to-day social group. No troubles there, we all get on well.

I live in a household as one of 4 siblings. I know about organizing bathroom time. :smallamused:

Serp, I know what that's like in your first example. De facto cohabitation in college happens all the time. It's funny when one set of parents comes to visit and there's a mad rush to hide all the bras and girly items that the Guy has no reason to have stashed all around his room. :smalltongue:

Sorry to hear about your disability, Trog.

Edit: Yes, having all the time we want with each other will be an interesting adjustment. I think we'll be good with that, but we're both virgins atm so who knows how we'll feel after we take the plunge, neh? But cuddling is a big part of our routine now, we're in a good place with that.