Elurindel
2009-08-15, 05:27 AM
I’d like to relieve a little of the stress I feel from GM’ing a Dark Heresy Campaign, the first session of which was not too long ago. To give it a little perspective, I’ll give you a short brief.
There are five different players, a Guardsman who acts like a berserker in combat with his mono-edged cleaver, a Techpriest who isn’t actually that smart, an Assassin who insists on trailing away from the group to climb up buildings for sniping with his highly-modded rifle, a psyker whose player is near-incapable of roleplaying, thinking, or breathing without assistance and a Cleric (the loud priest type rather than the healing chest type) who has called himself Jesus, and occasionally tries to pass himself off as his namesake, to my chagrin.
It’s set on a world that has quite high tech for the Imperium, where the Guard has settled the world after they have conquered it, which is to be the site of a zombie infestation later on. Before then, there are some light investigation scenes for the sake of having some more roleplay-heavy sessions, to find who might be dealing with xenos tech, mysterious murders/disappearing etc.. I warn you now that those of you not familiar with Dark Heresy may not get some of the terminology I am about to use, but I am sure many of you are painfully familiar with the towering idiocy some players are capable of. Which is what shocked me all the more, as my players are, for the most part, people of average or above-average intelligence. Read on, and be horrified.
Once they had been briefed by their Inquisitor, and handed micro-beads, for ease of communication, the party was sent into a shuttle and sent to touch down on the city’s landing pad, the Inquisitor’s ship moving away from orbit, in order to attend to other matters, whilst the local authorities asked the party to stay where they were. The local authorities in this case having flak greatcoats similar to Commissars, and carrying shotguns. The party gave the Enforcers the spiel that they were on shore leave. The Enforcers, not quite buying their lie, taking a look at their full Guard-issue armour, array of guns, grenades, a massive cleaver and sniper rifle. They decide to feed the party a line, asking if they came from the Rogue Trader ship that just came down, to which the party Cleric, the most sociable of the bunch, replies yes.
Now, I was feeling a little lenient at this point, and decided that, rather than arrest them, I would let them know that their presence would be carefully monitored in the city, which the Enforcers of this world have the power to do.
So they decide to do what they set out to, which was to investigate the local populace for rumours about who might be dealing with forbidden Xenos technology. To this end, they intend to investigate the local church of the Emperor, under the cover of simply going to attend the daily service. In order to disguise themselves, they buy some robes to wear. Over their full battle gear. Which includes assault rifles, and in one case, a massive cleaver. And full Guard armour. With helmets! Let that sink in for a moment. The sniper finds a nearby tall building, to provide covering fire from, it not occurring to him that the windows are not only high up, but made of stained glass, thus very sharply reducing any kind of visibility he would have.
Once again, I was still feeling lenient, so I decided to point out the fact that things like lasguns, shotguns etc would be noticed if they walked in with them under their robes. After some debate as to how easy it would be for them to stick the lasgun onto their leg and walk in time with it, I managed to get them to dispense of everything but their pistols, knives, a few grenades, and the Guardsman kept his cleaver, whose monomolecular edge was slicing little cuts through the robe as he walked. But here’s the kicker: They’re still wearing helmets! The Techpriest, his player apparently not feeling in a roleplay mood, decides to wander off somewhere else and contribute absolutely nothing to the session until later.
As they try to walk in through the door, the priest at the front asks them for a donation, and confiscates the Guardsman’s cleaver until after the sermon is over. This little interaction done with, they go on in. The party Cleric joins in with the hymns, whilst looking out for anybody suspicious. The Guardsman does the same whilst the Psyker’s player stares off into space, his three second attention span having been lost due to the lack of killing things. I throw them a bone, and they find somebody with some non-standard augmentations in the back row, who the Cleric decides to talk to. The conversation on his end was so bumbling and awkward, that I basically ended up feeding him his lines. Eventually, they managed to introduce themselves as looking to get into the xenos tech business themselves, perhaps as hired muscle. The Guardsman touted his immense strength, and the Cleric his ability to slip through crowds and skill with people. When the Psyker’s player was asked what talents he had, he blanked. Knowing him, I specifically told him out of character not to start listing off the list of Talents on his character sheet. He starts listing off the Talents on his character sheet. After trying to choke down a small aneurysm, I manage to get him to say that he has psychic abilities which could come in handy (people in character not actually knowing what the names of his abilities mean).
The shifty NPC gives them a small token, so they can identify themselves to his men when they come for the meeting tonight. At this point, the High Priest comes around with the collection plate, his grossly-muscled bodyguard touting a minigun on his back. Think the Heavy from Team Fortress 2 and you won’t go far wrong. The Guardsman, being the strongest in our party, decides to walk up to him, and challenges him to an arm-wrestling contest in the middle of the church. I’ll wait for you to find your brains after they imploded. I think at this point the madness was starting to touch me as well, because I decided to go along with it, once he began putting money down. Naturally, the bodyguard gives beats him with not very much effort, and the Guardsman is assigned to bedpan duty in the church’s hospital until nightfall.
As they begin arranging their plans to go in, I decide to call it a night. Whilst the party’s characters hadn’t picked up any Insanity points, I sure as hell had. I mean, I know I promised them zombies, but I wanted some kind of investigation part beforehand, to set the scene, and provide some kind of insight as to how it all began, the better for them to combat the source of the infection later. Am I asking too much of my players to actually think with the slightest bit of logic? Am I asking too much for them to talk their way through one scene without saying something that makes them look like they should be wearing bicycle helmets rather than flak helmets? Or should I just give up all faith in humanity?
Incidentally, I am looking to start a version of this campaign online, with actual intelligent, roleplaying people. There will be zombies of different types, investigation, mysterious figures, a wide range of NPC characters, and a city in which the choice is yours as to where you go and what you do, within reason. Please contact me on [email protected] or PM me here.
Yours in brain bleeding frustration
Elurindel
TL;DR? My players are acting like f*cking morons. Please help me.
There are five different players, a Guardsman who acts like a berserker in combat with his mono-edged cleaver, a Techpriest who isn’t actually that smart, an Assassin who insists on trailing away from the group to climb up buildings for sniping with his highly-modded rifle, a psyker whose player is near-incapable of roleplaying, thinking, or breathing without assistance and a Cleric (the loud priest type rather than the healing chest type) who has called himself Jesus, and occasionally tries to pass himself off as his namesake, to my chagrin.
It’s set on a world that has quite high tech for the Imperium, where the Guard has settled the world after they have conquered it, which is to be the site of a zombie infestation later on. Before then, there are some light investigation scenes for the sake of having some more roleplay-heavy sessions, to find who might be dealing with xenos tech, mysterious murders/disappearing etc.. I warn you now that those of you not familiar with Dark Heresy may not get some of the terminology I am about to use, but I am sure many of you are painfully familiar with the towering idiocy some players are capable of. Which is what shocked me all the more, as my players are, for the most part, people of average or above-average intelligence. Read on, and be horrified.
Once they had been briefed by their Inquisitor, and handed micro-beads, for ease of communication, the party was sent into a shuttle and sent to touch down on the city’s landing pad, the Inquisitor’s ship moving away from orbit, in order to attend to other matters, whilst the local authorities asked the party to stay where they were. The local authorities in this case having flak greatcoats similar to Commissars, and carrying shotguns. The party gave the Enforcers the spiel that they were on shore leave. The Enforcers, not quite buying their lie, taking a look at their full Guard-issue armour, array of guns, grenades, a massive cleaver and sniper rifle. They decide to feed the party a line, asking if they came from the Rogue Trader ship that just came down, to which the party Cleric, the most sociable of the bunch, replies yes.
Now, I was feeling a little lenient at this point, and decided that, rather than arrest them, I would let them know that their presence would be carefully monitored in the city, which the Enforcers of this world have the power to do.
So they decide to do what they set out to, which was to investigate the local populace for rumours about who might be dealing with forbidden Xenos technology. To this end, they intend to investigate the local church of the Emperor, under the cover of simply going to attend the daily service. In order to disguise themselves, they buy some robes to wear. Over their full battle gear. Which includes assault rifles, and in one case, a massive cleaver. And full Guard armour. With helmets! Let that sink in for a moment. The sniper finds a nearby tall building, to provide covering fire from, it not occurring to him that the windows are not only high up, but made of stained glass, thus very sharply reducing any kind of visibility he would have.
Once again, I was still feeling lenient, so I decided to point out the fact that things like lasguns, shotguns etc would be noticed if they walked in with them under their robes. After some debate as to how easy it would be for them to stick the lasgun onto their leg and walk in time with it, I managed to get them to dispense of everything but their pistols, knives, a few grenades, and the Guardsman kept his cleaver, whose monomolecular edge was slicing little cuts through the robe as he walked. But here’s the kicker: They’re still wearing helmets! The Techpriest, his player apparently not feeling in a roleplay mood, decides to wander off somewhere else and contribute absolutely nothing to the session until later.
As they try to walk in through the door, the priest at the front asks them for a donation, and confiscates the Guardsman’s cleaver until after the sermon is over. This little interaction done with, they go on in. The party Cleric joins in with the hymns, whilst looking out for anybody suspicious. The Guardsman does the same whilst the Psyker’s player stares off into space, his three second attention span having been lost due to the lack of killing things. I throw them a bone, and they find somebody with some non-standard augmentations in the back row, who the Cleric decides to talk to. The conversation on his end was so bumbling and awkward, that I basically ended up feeding him his lines. Eventually, they managed to introduce themselves as looking to get into the xenos tech business themselves, perhaps as hired muscle. The Guardsman touted his immense strength, and the Cleric his ability to slip through crowds and skill with people. When the Psyker’s player was asked what talents he had, he blanked. Knowing him, I specifically told him out of character not to start listing off the list of Talents on his character sheet. He starts listing off the Talents on his character sheet. After trying to choke down a small aneurysm, I manage to get him to say that he has psychic abilities which could come in handy (people in character not actually knowing what the names of his abilities mean).
The shifty NPC gives them a small token, so they can identify themselves to his men when they come for the meeting tonight. At this point, the High Priest comes around with the collection plate, his grossly-muscled bodyguard touting a minigun on his back. Think the Heavy from Team Fortress 2 and you won’t go far wrong. The Guardsman, being the strongest in our party, decides to walk up to him, and challenges him to an arm-wrestling contest in the middle of the church. I’ll wait for you to find your brains after they imploded. I think at this point the madness was starting to touch me as well, because I decided to go along with it, once he began putting money down. Naturally, the bodyguard gives beats him with not very much effort, and the Guardsman is assigned to bedpan duty in the church’s hospital until nightfall.
As they begin arranging their plans to go in, I decide to call it a night. Whilst the party’s characters hadn’t picked up any Insanity points, I sure as hell had. I mean, I know I promised them zombies, but I wanted some kind of investigation part beforehand, to set the scene, and provide some kind of insight as to how it all began, the better for them to combat the source of the infection later. Am I asking too much of my players to actually think with the slightest bit of logic? Am I asking too much for them to talk their way through one scene without saying something that makes them look like they should be wearing bicycle helmets rather than flak helmets? Or should I just give up all faith in humanity?
Incidentally, I am looking to start a version of this campaign online, with actual intelligent, roleplaying people. There will be zombies of different types, investigation, mysterious figures, a wide range of NPC characters, and a city in which the choice is yours as to where you go and what you do, within reason. Please contact me on [email protected] or PM me here.
Yours in brain bleeding frustration
Elurindel
TL;DR? My players are acting like f*cking morons. Please help me.