She's dying and I'm hiding

[Jacklu]

I've got to get this out before it drives me crazy. At the end of July my family received the news that my cousin (saying cousin in the way I would say sister) had three weeks to live. She suffers from cystic fibrosis and has been in the hospital six times in the last year with a collapsed lung. The news was devastating, but at the same time, hardly surprising. It was a bit of a blow having it made so... final though. Since then her condition has been steadily declining. At this rate, she won't live to see her 25th birthday, despite being just over a week away.

What's tearing me up though is the fact that since being given the news, I have only gone to visit her at home once, despite the fact that she lives down the street from me. And that time was because my mom picked me up from work and took me. I feel terrible. We grew up together. And now that she is on her deathbed, I'm too scared to even go spend time with her. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of going to see her, and just as scared of not going and missing seeing her one last time. I don't even know why I'm posting this here. I already know what I need to do... I'm such a terrible person. v.v

[AstralFire]

-offers hugs-

It's not easy. And you do know best what you need to do.

[Coidzor]

Death is scary... *hug*

Well, don't dilly dally too long but also don't beat yourself up about it. Enough bad times without doing that.

[Eon]

*hug*
it's okay

[thubby]

i felt the same way when my grandfather was in the hospital.

GO!

there is nothing to be afraid of, she is your friend, the same one you grew up with, and she could use a friend I'm sure.

I apologize if i am being blunt, but there's nothing to say other than suck it up and go.

[Rutskarn]

I agree. I know it seems terrifying, and I know it's the last thing you want to do, but you have to--have to--go. Otherwise, you will never know peace.

Just go. Walk over there. It'll be hard getting there, but once you've arrived, it'll be easier.

Go.

[Starscream]

It's hard, but you need to go. If you don't you'll always wish you had.

[Etcetera]

It might be hard going now, but if in ten years you look back and it'll be so much harder if you didn't go.

[Stadge]

*hugs* I know it's hard, but try and go and visit her. I had no warning that my dad was going to die, but I constantly regret not answering the phone on what turned out to be teh last chance I had to speak to him. I'd rather you not feel the same.

[Jalor]

It's hard, but you need to go. If you don't you'll always wish you had.

...it's true. You have to go.

[Sucrose]

*bear-hug*

My advice echoes the others- you already know that you want to go. It's scary to see someone who you grew up with like this, especially since, with but a twist of a couple genes, it could have been you on that bed.

However, she's still the person you know. Just spend some time with her. Like thubby, I've had a few relatives in similar situations, and it's a great comfort to me that I got to see them, even if my family forced me to some of the time.

I know it's hard, but you'll feel a lot better after getting to see her.

[Elfin]

*Hugs*
It's definitely not easy.

[Umael]

*hugs*

I know it's tough, but you need to go.

[bosssmiley]

If you get the chance you really should head over. I know you're just trying to cope as best you can, but someone you love is in pain and could probably do with a visit to take their mind off things.

I'm sure she'd be overjoyed to see you. Say goodbye while you can Jacklu.

[RTGoodman]

It's hard, but you need to go. If you don't you'll always wish you had.

Pretty much. My aunt passed away suddenly back in March in the house where she, my cousin, my grandma, and I all lived, and we never really got the chance to say goodbye. (She didn't want a big funeral, which didn't help.) I don't think anyone in my family has really gotten over it yet. You definitely don't want something like that happening.

It's my natural tendency to try to ignore or bury things like this, too, but really, it's not that great of a coping mechanism.

[Telonius]

I'm such a terrible person. v.v

Don't worry, so's everybody else.

Seriously, dying young is scary. But you, and not your fear, are in charge of your actions. I don't know your cousin, but I'd bet she wouldn't want you to be overcome by that fear, and even less to feel guilty for years afterwards for not going. I hope it goes well.

[Krankheit]

Two points I wish to say.

1) Your not a terrible person, terrible people would just ignore the entire situation, your at least decent if it was bothering you enough that you need to vent about it.

2) The more important point is that you should see your cousin, spend time with her. Speaking from experience I can tell you that its much worse if you don't get a chance to say goodbye, and that the anxiety you experience around her is nothing compared to the guilt, remorse, and shame you can feel whenever you hear her name or see her picture, regretting every time that you didn't try to get those precious last moments in.

[Charity]

Watching someone you love die is the hardest thing you will ever do.
It hurts, I know, so I can fully understand why you want to stick your head in the sand... but don't, you will always regret it. It will be tough, it will hurt in ways I can't describe, but you really should face this.

I seriously doubt anything you have to do is as urgent as this, so go now, don't allow yourself time to think and fear, just go.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I saw this thread and wanted to reply...but what was on my mind was a story from way back in my mid-teens. Thus, I made it a blog post (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2009/08/that-night-with-danielle.html). It's my hope that conveying that story to you takes the high terror out of visiting your cousin. The message is that while things may be visually intimidating, and the reality of the situation is depressing, something beautiful may well be hidden beneath that which is material.

Build your courage swiftly and go see your cousin. Better to do so now than feel the crushing weight of regret later.

[Trog]

I had the same situation when my grandmother passed. I kept putting off seeing her and when I finally did make plans to go see her she died the night before.

Stop reading this right now and go.

Otherwise you will regret it, always.

[Crimmy]

What Trog said.

I dunno if it's because of my mexican tradition or what, but I'm not all THAT afraid of death or death near me.
When people have to go, they will.

So, in all solidarity, but never leaving my firm opinion:

Get out of your house and pay a visit. Now.

I mean it.

[Mystic Muse]

Like Crimmy I'm not afraid of death but I know how horrible it is when somebody you know dies. follow his advice


GO VISIT THEM NOW


and like others have said, you're not a horrible person. Having fear is human.

[Tequila Sunrise]

I've got to get this out before it drives me crazy. At the end of July my family received the news that my cousin (saying cousin in the way I would say sister) had three weeks to live. She suffers from cystic fibrosis and has been in the hospital six times in the last year with a collapsed lung. The news was devastating, but at the same time, hardly surprising. It was a bit of a blow having it made so... final though. Since then her condition has been steadily declining. At this rate, she won't live to see her 25th birthday, despite being just over a week away.

What's tearing me up though is the fact that since being given the news, I have only gone to visit her at home once, despite the fact that she lives down the street from me. And that time was because my mom picked me up from work and took me. I feel terrible. We grew up together. And now that she is on her deathbed, I'm too scared to even go spend time with her. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified of going to see her, and just as scared of not going and missing seeing her one last time. I don't even know why I'm posting this here. I already know what I need to do... I'm such a terrible person. v.v
I'm really sorry dude. I actually have cystic fibrosis myself, and amazingly enough I'm 25 years old. It's kinda...morbid to be reading this. Anyway, pay her a visit as others have said. She won't be thinking about how you haven't been visiting in the past, she'll just be glad to see you again. If you don't do it, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

I hope there is a far green country waiting for her.

[paddyfool]

Jacklu,

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I've never found it easy either, in similar positions.

But seriously, what you need to do first is get your hands off the keyboard and mouse.

If they're off, then get ready to stand up and start walking. One foot in front of the other, not stopping, not hesitating. Are you ready to do that?

Now take your eyes off the screen.

[Jacklu]

Thanks for all the support and advice. The pushing really helped as well. I just got back from spending several hours at her house, just sitting around and talking. I'm... very glad that I went. It is a bit hard to see her so close to the edge, but I would have felt terrible if I hadn't gone. Thanks again for the stern push.

[Mystic Muse]

Thanks for all the support and advice. The pushing really helped as well. I just got back from spending several hours at her house, just sitting around and talking. I'm... very glad that I went. It is a bit hard to see her so close to the edge, but I would have felt terrible if I hadn't gone. Thanks again for the stern push.

you're welcome.

[OverdrivePrime]

I'm really glad you went. It must have been extremely hard.

I hope you can go again - see her as much as you can over the next few days. She'll need you, and you will want to be able to remember as much of her as you possibly can for after she passes away.

Take care, and I wish you to be filled with the all strength that comes with love.

[darkblust]

I'm sorry:smallfrown:

Kitty?

http://i652.photobucket.com/albums/uu248/darkblust/catspwn.jpg

You should go see her while you still can,though

[KerfuffleMach2]

I think I might know why you felt the need to tell us about this. Probably, you needed some reassurance to tell you to go. That sort of thing.

Just a guess.

But anyways, good job for going. Honestly, you should go again. Really.

[skywalker]

I think I might know why you felt the need to tell us about this. Probably, you needed some reassurance to tell you to go. That sort of thing.

Yep. Most of the time, it is.

Good job for going. There is no "have to" or "should," but you wanted to, and that is far more important in the long run.

[Serpentine]

I think I might know why you felt the need to tell us about this. Probably, you needed some reassurance to tell you to go. That sort of thing.

Just a guess.

But anyways, good job for going. Honestly, you should go again. Really.Sometimes you kinda need a "these people will know and judge me if I don't do the right thing!" to motivate you into doing something you already know you should.

I hope her death is not too hard, on her and everyone around her.

[Trog]

Thanks for all the support and advice. The pushing really helped as well. I just got back from spending several hours at her house, just sitting around and talking. I'm... very glad that I went. It is a bit hard to see her so close to the edge, but I would have felt terrible if I hadn't gone. Thanks again for the stern push.
Anytime, sir. I'm glad it went well for you.

[Coidzor]

Murgle murgle murg.

Also. Yes.

[JonestheSpy]

It's great that you went. If it makes it easier for you to go visit again, do so. The more you do, the better you'll feel later, I promise.

By the way, I just want to say that this thread is why the interwebs are a Good Thing. You're a great bunch of folks.

[Yarram]

Have you considered going, right now? :smallsmile:

Just step back from your computer, phone up then visit this very moment. I know it's harder to do than it sounds, but rather than talk about visiting her, just do. I bet she feels as awkward as everyone else does.

[LurkerInPlayground]

Personally, I'd ask why you're afraid to go.

I mean, it's not like anybody here is telling you anything that you don't already agree with: which is to go immediately.

Until you stop wasting all this time on self recrimination, guilt or fear; I don't think you're going to get a whole lot done.

[Felixaar]

I know how you feel, I'm going through the same thing with my grandfather. It's unlikely he'll be around for very long especially since he had a bad fall just a day ago and is in hospital now. Of course, he's pulled through on a longshot before, but anyway... last time I saw him he was doing okay, if not good, but now he's just terrible. I don't really know if I want to see him now. I'd kind of preferr to remember him as previous.

Anyway, I'll probably go visit him if things get worse. But it's not going to be easy.

[paddyfool]

I'm very glad to hear you went.

Fear of death is natural, and hard to fight. I also think that culturally, we may have forgotten how to handle it a little with it being so rare while we grow up; there was a play by Wole Soyinka where a character voices the opinion that "you people know how to survive, but you don't know how to die". One book I would recommend for anyone struggling with bereavement would be "Will the circle be unbroken" by Studs Terkel. It contains stories and a wide spectrum of viewpoints from a lot of people who, for whatever reason, have seen a little more of this than the rest of us, and it's not nearly as depressing as you might think.

[thubby]

i will gladly kick anyone in the pants, at any time :smalltongue:

*hugs*

[banjo1985]

Glad the playground could be of help. :smallbiggrin: I think a lot of people need a similar push in such a situation, me included. I hope you're aware that your visit has probably done something to make her last few weeks just that little bit more bearable for her. :smallsmile:

[Krrth]

I've found that getting someone to go with you can make it a little easier. I know it did (does) with me.

Oh, and *hugs*

[Jacklu]

Okay... I guess I'll just post this here because I am going crazy and need something to do right now.

My cousin is... most likely not going to see tomorrow morning. If she does, it will be nothing short of a miracle. There is no way for me to get over to see her right now (which makes me infinitely glad that I went the other day). So right now I am at home, unable to do anything but sit and think and wait for a phone call I would rather not be getting.

Not really looking for any kind of response to this, I just needed to get it out somewhere. :smallfrown:

[Umael]

*hug!*

...

*hug*

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

Jacklu, there's nothing I can really say to help in any way, and if I tell you that I'm sorry it feels like I've tried to offer assistance but fallen far, far short of what I, as someone who has been in a very similar situation, would want to be able to do but...well...I just wanted you to know that, even though I've never met you, and even though I was unaware of your existence until I stumbled onto this thread, there's at least one person out there who has you on his mind.

Here hoping that helps in some small way.

[Jacklu]

Thanks for the advice and words of support...

...

It is all over now...

At about noon today my cousin, at the age of 24, passed on in her home, surrounded by family and friends. I couldn't be there because I had to be at work. In fact, I didn't get the news until a distant friend of the family came in and gave me their condolences. I had the pleasure of acting like I already knew and trying to keep from breaking down for the last five hours of my shift.

Right now I am at home, crying my eyes out and trying to distract myself until I am tired enough to turn in for bed and cry myself to sleep.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

...
...
...

*points to his previous post, for what it's worth*

...

If you need someone unassociated who's willing to listen or just want to let your thoughts lose, feel free to send me a PM. I understand some of what you're going through (I have a good friend who has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at the age of 19), and, well, it's the best that I can offer (sadly :smallfrown:). If it would help in any way, however...

[Recaiden]

I'm so sorry Jacklu. I don't know what I can say.

[Mystic Muse]

sorry Jacklu. I can't think of anything to say.

*hugs.*

any small thing we can do to honor the memory of your friend?

[KuReshtin]

Thanks for the advice and words of support...

...

It is all over now...

At about noon today my cousin, at the age of 24, passed on in her home, surrounded by family and friends. I couldn't be there because I had to be at work. In fact, I didn't get the news until a distant friend of the family came in and gave me their condolences. I had the pleasure of acting like I already knew and trying to keep from breaking down for the last five hours of my shift.

Right now I am at home, crying my eyes out and trying to distract myself until I am tired enough to turn in for bed and cry myself to sleep.


My most heartfelt condoleances.

I know what it's like to know that a very close relative is on the verge of passing, and still have to be at work, acting like things are 'normal'.
I got the call from my mom that my grandfather had passed at about noon on the day he passed, and at the time I was still at work, and had another 4 hours before I could leave.
To make things worse, my aunt worked in the same place, and she had the day off to spend the day at the hospital with my grandfather, and when my mom called me to give me the news, she asked me not to tell anyone at work, as they knew that several of the people at work would try to contact my aunt, and they didn't want to be contacted at that time.

So I had to sit there at work, for about 4 hours, trying to act as if everything was ok.
After work, I went to my grandparents' house and as son as I walked in through the door, I broke down in my grandmother's arms.

Again, my most heartfelt condoleances. *hug*

[billtodamax]

Oh... Jacklu.
*hugs*
I'm so, so sorry.
My PM box is open.

[Kiren]

I'm sorry for your loss, I have been through a loss of a close family member before, my pm box is open as well.

[Jacklu]

Thank you all so much for the support. I'll get through this, just have to let the grief takes its course. It hurts so much right now, but I do believe that she is in a far better place right now, free of the illness that crippled her body and stole her life.

[Winthur]

I came to this thread really pissed off at everything.

Now, I'm also sobbing. Thank you for that little bit of silence in my soul.

My most sincere apologies. :smallfrown:

[Gamerlord]

:smallfrown: Your story is so sad... but at least you visited her before it was too late *hug* :smallsmile:

At least she could enjoy her life right? I had a great-grandmother who passed away last year during the summer, I was sad, but I knew she had enjoyed her 100+ years of life.

*another hug*

[Jacklu]

*stockpiles hugs*

I would argue that 24 is far too little time to enjoy life, but she really did. Last weekend, she was driven four hours north to her father's cottage in Maine because she refused to let the rest of her family take a vacation on the lake without her. Two days after she got back she had a tattoo artist come to her house and got two tattoos. Her boyfriend got a matching one and she was allowed to do some of the shading on it herself. She was the kind of person who refused to take things slow or be coddled because of her sickness. Endlessly frustrating to her parents, but she got a lot out of life... I just got back from what was supposed to be her 25th birthday party. She wanted us to hold it regardless of whether she was going to be there or not... Crap... I'm crying again now...

[Elm11]

I'm so sorry Jacklu. Still, as you say, i'm certain she's in a much better place, and that she can once again enjoy the happiness and freedom of life without illness. it's good to hear that you managed to see her before she departed. I can tell you from experience, though it's probably not as potent as yours, that the pain will take a long time to go away. But do remember, because it's waht i do, that she's still there with you, whether or not you can see her, and that she'll always love you and watch over you.

Condolances, but try and celebrate her life, like you did at the party, instead of mourning her passing. somehow, it makes it so much easier to bare.

And now, because this thread has to much :smallfrown: and not enough ::biggrin:

:tongue::smile::biggrin::tongue::smile::biggrin: