I could use some advice, my friends.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Strange, eh? People look upon me as "Captain Wisdom," and yet there are occasional roadblocks in life that are simply beyond my ability to handle alone. It's a bit of a drama, so before you settle in to read the whole thing, go get your beverage of choice, get nice and comfy, and read on. I’m also going to spoiler it because it’s really a long tale.


First, the players:

Dad: Loves me as far as he can show it, which is rather limited. There are a great many aspects of my varying disabilities he doesn't understand. He also doesn't understand me, in that he remembers the lazy, selfish individual he'd known decades ago, and that I can engage in kind deeds sounds extremely odd to him.

Stu: Some may remember my brother, who should have died over a year ago, but failed spectacularly. A nurse at the hospital he was in told him that in twenty years, she'd seen plenty of people come in with a torn ascending aorta, and NONE of them left alive. He is emotionally stunted, often throwing a fit when he can't get his way. This is a problem, as he can't stand up to his wife...

Nikki: This is Stu's mail-order-bride. No joke...He knew her exactly one week before they got married. She's been working her butt off to provide for the family, since Stu has had a hard time finding work. She's also going to school to become a nurse.

My nephew: I'd rather not name a minor, but he's currently five, and has been reared for the most part by a television set. He receives no positive reinforcement; my brother resorts to shouting at him and calling him "a little baby" when he misbehaves.

Me: I am a walking, talking disaster that is trying to do all of the right things. Despite my best efforts, I can do nothing right in the eyes of my family.

Okay...A couple of months ago, without actually understanding my illnesses, the relatives I still talk to decided I should move closer to family that could care for me. Living utterly alone is unhealthy for me. I'm nearing a time in my life where I'm going to need help with a variety of things, and being by myself isn't working out so well.

Thus, the pieces immediately started falling into place. My brother offered me a room in his house at a price of $350 a month. Not only was this a somewhat nice change of pace, in that my rent would finally be reasonable for a guy living beneath poverty, but there are Playgrounders in Tennessee that were looking forward to my moving to their state. Things were looking pretty good.

Unfortunately, I live in a world of guilt. I hate being a burden to anyone, and have fought rather hard to try and make it on my own. The years have proven this is impossible, and I am ultimately blessed for the friends I have. They’ve made my existence easier for all the help they’ve given over the last few years. I expressed my guilt to Stu, to the point that it was starting to irritate him. (Keep this in mind as the tale goes on.) He shouted into the phone, “WE WANT YOU TO MOVE HERE!”

The first problem became my cat, Nike. “Nikki is worried about the cat making [our son] sick. She’s not a ‘pet person.’ Nikki would prefer if your cat stayed in your bedroom.” Ummm…Look, I’m all for sexual equality, but do you get to actually make any decisions in your own house? Or is it all saved for when your wife is at work, when you get to bully your son? I didn’t say this, of course, but I was starting to see that Stu had virtually no power within his own house. I pressed the fact that locking up Nike in my room wouldn’t be good for anyone, especially the cat, and Stu relented.

My concern was how to get Nike to TN. The costs of getting her there were ridiculous. I carry more diseases than my cat, and can fly one way for probably under $200. Taking Nike on the plane with me was going to cost twice that, at the very least. Luckily, a Playgrounder leapt to my aid and took her in for safekeeping while my future was to be decided.

The next problem was my need for a phone. I need to be able to call doctors. Doctors need to be able to call me. I need to register with various government agencies, and need a way for them to reach me.

While I sat here and thought about getting a land line, Stu started working on a plan to add me to his cell phone family plan. I have a degree of disdain for cell phones. I can see the need for certain individuals to have one. For some people, it’s their only phone service, like my brother. After that, it’s an egotistical statement. “This is how important I am; people need to be able to reach me all the time, no matter where I am. For that reason, rather than waiting to get home to tell you about my doctor’s visit, I’ll be calling you from the crowded bus to shout into the phone and let you know the rash IS contagious.” I didn’t want a cell phone. I don’t need a cell phone. Alas, I would be getting a cell phone.

But in order to get the cell phone, which I would have to pay for, Stu needed to upgrade his family plan. And who would be paying for the upgrade? Me. So, added to the $350 was now the cost of a cell phone and the upgrade.

What’s more is that I told Stu my cell phone would likely sit in the house, only to be used there. I got a “talking to” for this. “No…You’ll keep it with you whenever you leave the house. Why else would you have a cell phone?” Ummm…Well, mostly because you’re cornering me into getting one.

Next was the great TV debate. I don’t watch a lot of television; I have a few favorites, and that’s about it. But Stu seems to see TV as a NEED. Thinking that I would be able to simply watch what televisions he already had in the house, I was prepared to sell the television I have now. No…At certain hours, the television belongs to either his family or him. Just as I was resigning to watching “House” via the Internet, Stu declared I could just buy a new television when I got there, since shipping my tube set would be too costly. How I was to pay for this, I have no idea. This "new" TV would go in my room, and Stu would extend his satellite service into my room, and I would then pay for my portion of a satellite service I've managed to live without for YEARS!

On to my computer, which I’d calculated would cost somewhere between $150 and $200 to ship from AZ to TN. I would insure it for a mere $1000, mostly because of previous bad experiences shipping a computer. That insurance would allow me to replace it should anything happen to it in transit. But Stu was looking at the shipping cost and saying that it’s almost not worth it. My computer is five years old, and not even worth the $200 it might cost to ship. “We can always just go to Best Buy, where I have a line of credit, and you can buy a new computer, then pay me back.” With what money?!?

Little injection here with supposed feedback from my father. I hadn’t spoken to him, but Stu says he did, and my father apparently expressed a desire to shell out as little money as possibly for this whole venture. Even the plane tickets would be free, as he’d be using the miles accumulated on his credit card. My father hadn’t even been approached with the cost of shipping my computer, yet he was grumbling about it to Stu.

Then came the need for a bed. I was to occupy a bed that Nikki’s niece had in the house…but said niece was moving out, and taking the bed with her. Stu’s instant answer was to say he wanted to buy a NEW twin-sized bed for me. I objected, saying I need room to toss and turn in bed. PTSD makes sleeping an adventure unto itself for me. I said I’d want a full-sized bed, and that’s when I get questions like, “Is it okay if we don’t get a frame for the bed? Because frames cost extra.” And, of course, I’d be expected to pay for the bed. With that very concept in mind, I suggested he contact the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Stu’s first reaction was one of avoidance. “I don’t think there are any places around like that that would have a bed.” I insisted he call to find out.

A few weeks ago, Stu got a job. He has been searching for reasonable, permanent employment since he stared Death in the eye over a year ago. He had work with Circuit City through the holidays, but then that company filed for bankruptcy, and that was the end of that job. Now he found a part-time job, with hours so variable that his and Nikki’s schedules might overlap. So he happily announced that there would be times when I would have to watch my nephew. Prior to this, I’d volunteered for the service. I was willing to help out where I could. Now it was my job…A job, mind you, for which there would be no reward.

On top of ALL this, there were the rules. I had to buy whatever specialty foods I needed/wanted. I’d have to use headphones when using my computer so as not to disturb anyone else. That whole “ownership of TV time.” Oh…and my FAVORITE: I was, under no circumstances, permitted to complain; Stu claimed his wife didn’t want to hear ANY of it. One had to start wondering exactly how welcome I truly was.

Let us not forget the emotional issues of my family, in general. I’m a psychological wreck, despite what I present here on the Playground. One of the things that’s kept me from the psych ward has been Nike; if I was in the hospital, who would care for my cat? And so I dipped a toe in the psychological waters.

Me: Stu…? Are you prepared for the things that could happen to me?
Stu: Like what?
Me: Well, I have Charcot’s feet. This could result in the loss of a foot. Are you ready to deal with things like that?
Stu: (right to the money) I can’t afford to put any kind of lift in the house. Besides, there’s no room for that kind of thing.
Me: No, Stu. I’m talking about on an emotional level. Are you going to be able to handle your brother losing body parts to illness as time passes?
Stu: Emotions? What emotions?
Me: Well, it’s nice to see that you’re so concerned about such things.
Stu: What can I say? I think logically.

Uh huh. Right.

So I’m looking at the entire situation, and I’m becoming increasingly worried. The $350 rent had climbed, tacking on money for the phone, the phone upgrade (admittedly a one-time charge), a possible television, a bed, fulfilling my own dietary needs, possible costs for medications, paying him back for either a new computer or the shipping of the old one…The grand discount he’d initially offered me for rent was gone, and I was also being handed the job of “nanny” with no reward for it. (By reward, I don’t necessarily mean I should be paid…but to offer me SOMETHING would have been…well, human.) And then to treat me like a child, laying out rules as though I’d be a rebellious teenager blasting music through my computer, and punishing me with “no TV time for you, young man!” Where, exactly, were the improvements to my life that were to come with my move to TN?

My brother may claim to run on logic, but as I said, he has a history of throwing a fit when things don’t go his way. So I cautiously broached the topic of a reduction in my rent. I asked if my rent could be changed fro $350 to $275…and I came to that latter number by way of a program called “Section 8.” This program would allow me to find housing at a third of my monthly income. Stu almost lost it immediately.

Stu: No. Nikki already said that if you’re going to try and renegotiate the rent, it’s off.
Me: Well, Stu…It just seems like a lot is being put on me as my responsibility, and it seems unfair that I should shoulder so much without getting anything out of it.
Stu: You'd be paying over $100 less than what you're paying now, so I don't understand what you're complaining about.
Me: This is supposed to be mutually beneficial to both of us, but it's starting to -
Stu: (cutting me off) THEN JUST FORGET IT!

And he hung up.

Okay...Not panicking just yet. However, what had been made clear from this conversation was that *I* was NEVER welcome there. What WAS[/] welcome was my money. Sure, it was only fair that I pay rent, because I'd be around much of the time, and I'm be burning through the electricity and food...but if it was just me that was welcome there, my rent would be $0. That would be unreasonable to the point of me insisting they take rent from me. This is from a guy living [I]BENEATH poverty level.

I called Stu back, and got his voice mail. I happen to have his wife's phone number, so I called and got her voice mail. I didn't leave any messages. This was too important to just leave a message and hope someone called back. So, after waiting a bit, I called Stu again and he picked up. Now I was on him with the truth of the matter, and that was the fact that no part of me was wanted in TN. No...The truth is that my rent was wanted in his house, and that's about it. "If you're ready to talk like a grown-up, you would realize that I'm the one who, finally, isn't having the mental breakdown. I'm the one being an adult this time, and it's you who is acting childish in hanging up." I then, quite calmly, started pointing out that it was being made startlingly clear to me that only my money was welcome there, and that I, myself, was not.

This earned me another hang-up.

I wasn't done. If I couldn't talk to Stu, then I would try to get through to his wife. So I called her again, and this time I did leave a voice message. "It would seem that there are no adults currently in your house with whom I can speak. I have no idea what you and your husband are thinking, but apparently I don't really have a place in your house. That's okay. You're more than welcome to try and take on a stranger to pay rent...a stranger who will do G-d knows what to your house and family. But if I really am welcome there, my number is..." Well, I'm not posting that last part here.

Okay…I’ve done some cutting and pasting from my blog to save typing, so this may seem familiar for those who follow my “whine festivals.” And that last part about “a stranger” came from my brother telling me that Nikki has this goofy idea that she can rent out a room to some random person for the absurd price of $500 a month. It’s as though everyone over there is completely out of touch with the real world.

Now, I’m not in as much trouble as one might think. Mercury Maline – yeah, I separated the words and used capitalization of my own – has made me an absolutely INCREDIBLE offer. Rent so low that I would actually have some freedom in my life. A network of friends who would see that I make any and all appointments that I need to reach. Emotional support unlike anything I’ve even heard muttered from my blood relations. Merc-Mal has offered me – dare I say it? – a HOME!!! Thus, I have somewhere to go, despite my brother’s actions.

Now…After all of that, here’s the problem. No one has called me. My brother has made no efforts to make amends. He’s made no efforts to call and try to make me feel like an idiot for having ruined a “good” thing. My father hasn’t called to berate me. It’s as though I have been placed on some kind of “global ignore list.” It’s been 13 days since my blowout with my brother, and no one has made any kind of effort to contact me…and I don’t know what to do.

I’m afraid to call any of them. I’m angry that I’m not seen as a person…that I’m viewed as an equation with too many variables, and all I to be is solved. Despite my best efforts, I have tried to bring understanding of my illnesses to my family, and somewhere in their heads is the cure, “Snap out of it.” I fear that if I call that I’ll blow emotional fuses and say a variety of things I’ll regret. I fear my father’s power to turn me from a 42-year-old man into a whimpering five-year-old incapable of defending himself. And my brother…well, I fear there’d be no convincing him that I’m not an ATM. He was caught in the lie that I was welcome there, when what was welcome was only my money. I’m now utterly convinced of that.

Merc-Mal suggested I send links to my blog to family so they could have a greater explanation of my life…but I’m sure that if they read my blog, and saw some of the griping I’ve done about them, that they’d single out only those parts and give me grief for it.

I’ve skipped a few things. There have been many conversations here and there about the situation, and to cover all of them would have this story filling up dozens of pages. What’s more, the feedback I’ve received contradicts itself. “Well, your real family may be filled with idiots, but we consider you family…good luck finding a home.” Gee…ummm…Thanks?

It takes a wise man to look upon himself and say, “What makes me wise is that I am not, in fact, wise. I don’t know everything, and should ask for help.” My level of frustration has pushed me to the point where I have decided I’ll be moving in with Merc-Mal, and that’s that. I will make the move, and never tell Stu or my father where I’m going…fall off the map completely, and leave them to wonder what ever happened to me. And I know doing that would be wrong, and there may well be a huge amount of regret attached to such actions, but this is how upset I’ve become.

So what do I do? I’ve set up a deadline; I have to hand in a written notice that I’ll be vacating my current apartment by the end of September, and so my family has until the day I hand in that notice, the last day of this month, to call…but I don’t think they will, leaving me to do the calling…if I call at all. I need advice. I need support. I need feedback that, if I’m not seeing things properly, will guide me to taking the proper action.
I’m going to give this thread a little time to see what kind of responses I get. I’ll be back later to respond. Meanwhile, the very least I can do is thank you for reading that entire thing. And while it’s a permanent fixture in my sig, BE WELL!!! :smallsmile:

[Neko Toast]

... Not really sure what I should tell you, Bor. I mean, it seems like your family causes you a lot of stress and frustration. Maybe this is what's best for you. That's all I can say, really. Other than be well, and *hug*.

[Flame of Anor]

Wow. That's a lot of bad things happening to one good person.

But you asked what you should do, not for general sympathy, so here goes. My advice would be to tell your family, by whatever means of communication seems best to you, that you care for them, but that you don't feel that a close relationship with them is working out. Even though this is their fault, don't come out and say that. I mean, don't say it's your fault, but just say that it doesn't seem like it's possible for you and them to be in proximity without clashing. Then move in with the highly laudable Merc-Mal. Let your family have some contact information for you--an email address, perhaps--but not all of it: probably not address and phone number. That way, you aren't completely abandoning them, which, I agree, would be a bad idea. They can't bother you by calling a lot, and if they actually want to make up with you, they can email you.

Well, those are my thoughts on the subject. Perhaps someone else will have better ideas, but these seem good to me. Take them if you want, but, whatever you do, good luck.

[Jacklu]

Okay... I was already familiar with the situation thus far, as I follow your Blog... But honestly, I am a bit unsure as how to respond at the moment. I am mostly posting this to let you know that I read your post and will be devoting a bit of time and thought to it before posting again with my limited opinion on the matter. But whatever you do decide to do, please know that there are people who love you here. People who truly want what's best for you and want for you to be happy and safe and to know, KNOW, that you matter as a person. I will have an actual response to your question either later tonight or tomorrow. Until then, *hugs tight*

[Telonius]

Hey Bor! I haven't been following the saga from the beginning (or very closely up to this post) so I might be missing a few things in the advice realm.

First of all, I think you're handling it fairly well. You're upset, but you're admitting that - and that's a very good thing. You've also realized that it is absolutely not about the money, but about the respect. My biggest takeaway from this: you're not responsible for how your dad or your brother feel about your actions. You're only responsible for how you act towards them. Your decision on where to live is just that: your decision, not theirs. In my opinion, you've made the right one. Willingly going into a situation where it's clear there would be an abundance of inescapable tension, for little monetary or emotional return, for an indefinite period of time, would be foolish - family or not.

I'd have a few suggestions. First, make sure that you're committed to the choice you're making. Are you sure that moving in with Merc is what you really want to do? I'm assuming this is a yes, but really ask yourself that honestly. If your brother, his wife, and your father came back tomorrow with a cartload of apologies, would that change things? Why or why not? Do you really want to live with them, or do you really just feel like you should?

The next suggestion depends on your answers to that. If the answer is that you really do want to live with your brother, you'll need to figure out how to get to that point. A lot of that is necessarily going to be out of your control - under what circumstances could your brother (and you) change to make that sort of situation acceptable to you both? From what you've described, I unfortunately have to say that this would probably be too much for either of you. But it never hurts to ask the question of yourself.

If you really do want to live with Merc, then you have to accept all the consequences that come along with that choice. Not all of those consequences are nice, and not all of them are your responsibility. You don't get to decide whether or not your family talks to you again. But you do get to decide whether or not you want to. If you do want to leave the door open, you get to choose how to exit the situation in such a way that it makes eventual reconciliation more likely. I'd suggest a hand-written letter explaining what you're doing and why you're doing it, and contact information if they want to reach you if they accept the decision and are willing to move on. Key point in the letter: I really think you should apologize for losing your temper (if you're sorry for that), but be careful not to apologize for making the decision you've made. If you've really made the choice, you might regret some of the consequences, but never the choice itself.

Best of luck, Bor. I hope this helps! :smallcool:

[Moff Chumley]

I haven't read your blog, so that story left more questions than it answered... First of all, do you have any relatives or mutual relationships with your father/brother? Secondly, what's Mercury Maline? Google turns up nothing, I'm afraid.

I'd recommend talking to Nikki as calmly, practically, and subtly as possible about how you don't want to be isolated from your family, as your brother and dad seem too unstable.

[Castaras]

I'm going to second what Telonius and Flame of Anor have said - Send them a message somehow, be it by voicemail or by letter or email. Apologise for losing your temper, explain that you are moving to stay with another friend, due to the fact that you feel your staying with Stu and Nikki would be too tense and problematic for both you and them. Leave them your email - not your phone number, phone number would be problematic if they start yelling at you - if it's just through email they get angry, you have the time to calm down and think of something calm to say back to them.

Best wishes to you Bor. *hugs*

[Sucrose]

Bor, I haven't interacted much with you, but your fame here and what responses I've read of yours do lead me to respect you a great deal.

As for your story: it really does seem as though staying at your brother's would be a poor fit. However, regardless of how maladjusted he may be in general, in this case, it seems to me that he was operating in reasonably good faith.

I don't think he understands how much of a drain all those expenses would have been upon you, possibly thanks to the same mild antisocial tendencies expressed when he didn't comment on any emotional impact that you losing a foot would have on him.

The rules, with the red flag exception of you being disallowed from complaining, also don't seem that bad for a housemate. I have to admit, though, that their unwillingness to share TV time (even if you don't need it very much), or help a little with your food expenses, does seem rather inconsiderate.

You mentioned that Nikki was working hard to make ends meet, and that Stu is having a hard time finding work; it could be that they can't really help out any more than they were offering, but they're unable to see the possibility of finding ways to cut costs, like you've been trying to do; I've known some people with rediculous spending habits that got them into a great deal of trouble, who couldn't comprehend why I didn't need the latest gaming system or whatever.

In any case, what I'm trying to say is that I feel like they haven't been quite horrible enough to completely cut ties with them. You might not want to give them the chance to find your new home, but since they have your number anyway, I feel like you should call them, explain your plan in general terms, and maybe try to mend your relationship into a civil place again. If you really don't want to ever see them again, then feel free to disregard this advice, but otherwise, I do feel like your relationship with them could be salvageable, if you wish to try.

As for your father, I really feel like he's pretty disconnected from the whole debacle; it's quite possible that your brother's perspective on the matter is all he's heard, and he didn't have much of an impact on how it wound up anyway. It sounds as though you have some serious problems with your relationship with him as it is, so I can't really advise you on that. However, I do seriously suggest that you not let this affect whatever feelings you have left for him.

I hope that I have provided some useful information. It is, of course, merely my two cents. Whatever you decide, I hope it winds up being a good situation for you. Just as you said to everyone posting here, be well.

[Jack Squat]

Well, I'll start off to say that your situation sucks. There's not much that can be done to sugar-coat that, and I'm sure you were aware of that already, else you wouldn't be seeking help.

Having seen some things similar to this, I know how your brother and his wife are. They aren't family people, they'd rather look out for themselves than help out someone. It's not that they don't care about you, it's just that they don't want to be too inconvenienced by anyone, no matter who or why. My uncle's like this. When my grandpa (his dad) died of cancer last semester him and his family were on a ski trip that had horrible weather. Guess who elected to stay on the trip despite his family's protests.

In your brother's mind, he's cutting you a deal for rent (not only is it $100 less than you pay currently, but it's also $250 less than what he would take for a stranger), which he sees as a favor for you. With the TV and cell phone, him and his family have those wired as control values in the equation of life rather than variables. The rest is figuring you either wouldn't mind (watching his kid) or not wanting to be inconvenienced too much (everything else).

What I see as the appropriate course of action is find another place, like you did, and leave a forwarding address and phone number with someone. It could be your brother or your dad or whoever you think would best benefit from the information and/or pass it on to everyone, depending on your wishes. After that, well, they're adults capable of making their own decisions. If they want to keep in touch, they will, but it's the choice they make. If they don't want to contact you, don't press the issue or think too hard on it. From the sounds of it, you may be better off without them.


Secondly, what's Mercury Maline? Google turns up nothing, I'm afraid.

Not what, Who (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/member.php?u=33952).

[Mr. Mud]

I'm a bit blown back Bor... Only having read your blog,occasionally, and not an avid follower (as I probably should be :smallwink:), I'm at a loss for words... except for a few, that'd go something like this:

I'm sorry. And if there was anything I could do, as a 17 year old making near minimum wage, I'm be arranging it right now, but I don't think there is... I hope everything turns out for the better bud... *offers hug*.

Also, you said you enjoy House? Season 5 DVDs just came out! Wahoo!

Be well :smallsmile:?

[bibliophile]

Well this is a pickle and no mistake. My advice, based on only this post, is to move in with Mercury Maline. It seems that its a fine deal. It seems you and stu, et al, is not working. I think you should explain your plan to them and leave an email address. Email them occasionally, and if they want to talk, they can.

Just my two cents, hope it helps. :smallsmile:

Best Wishes

[Umael]

A few things, if I may...

One, you have a lot of good points why you are upset. You also have a lot of points to which I disagree.

Two, the bottom line is moving in with your brother is a bad idea, you recognize this, and you have made other plans. Now all the remains is how much contact to grant to your biological relatives. I suggest email only.

Three, this doesn't seem like a need for advice, but rather a call for support. Well, consider it granted. What you plan on doing, even up to and including cutting off all contact with your family, is what you consider to be the best plan for yourself. You are likely right. You can't live according to how others see you, but as to how you want to see yourself.

Some details, if you want:
On cellphones:

No, it is not a status symbol. People who use it as such are abusing it. My household is without a landline because I want to be able to contact someone in case of an emergency or a need to quickly say, "Oops, forgot the butter, while you are out, could you pick some up?" Given that you have some medical conditions, if you were to get in trouble while you were out-and-about (no idea how likely or independent you are), a cellphone could literally save your life.

On your family dynamics:

Personally, I would say 'good-bye' and never look back. You don't have to prove to any one of them that you deserve respect, although any decent person would at least treat others with respect.

Incidentally? That goes both ways.

I understand you were upset, but leaving a voicemail with your sister-in-law saying "I realize there are no adults living over there" is not treating people with respect.


On your family:

They are a piece of work, aren't they? Well, if they can't treat you with respect, forget them. They aren't worth it. Mind you, given your post, I am mostly thinking your brother, and a little your father, but nonetheless... in your shoes, I would leave them. And never look back.

[Telonius]

Oh yeah, regarding cell phones: depending on the situation, they can be cheaper than a land line. When I moved into my house, they would have charged me a larger fee for installing the land line than it would be for my wife and I to just go out and buy cell phones. The monthly fee would have been just about the same for either option. So, we went out and bought cell phones, and can call people no matter where we are. (Which is really convenient for us, since Mrs. Tel is due to have a baby basically any time now). :smallbiggrin: They're great to have for emergencies of all kinds. Yeah, it is possible to go a little bit too far (http://www.theonion.com/content/news/apple_claims_new_iphone_only) with it, but it's perfectly possible to get a functional cell phone without becoming a soulless yuppie office drone.

[Recaiden]

I haven't been following your blog as often as I should, so I don't know as well, but they're probably afraid to call you as well. If you want to make staying with them work, I think you'll have to call them, not wait for them to call you. Because they're not as interested. But I don't see why you'd want to make the most effort to stay with people treating you like that.
Given how you've explained your situation to us, I think you should explain what's wrong to them and leave.
I don't think there's anything I can do to help you, but if there is something.
Be well Bor.

[Jalor]

It's probably best to disregard any and all advice I give, but you should move in with the person who treats you like a person. Tell your family that you don't want to live with them because of their lack of respect, and don't tell them where you're going. Let them know they're probably not going to speak to them again, and let them know that you love them but you'd rather not deal with any more drama. It's the best you can do.

[KataraAltinaII]

I don't follow your blog, but I did take the time to read this post.

damn... sympathies, man.
Ultimately though, you're handling it a lot better than I would.

I would definitely not get in with your brother. that... that would infuriate me to no end. Smart idea finding another place.

as for your family, pull a golden rule. If they're going to ignore them, move on and never look back. If they actually care, they'll try to keep in touch. Sorry if that sounds rude. I'm just stating some things I would do if I was in your situation.

[Trog]

Okay I have read through the OP and I have some "neutral third party" observations.


First of all if you and your brother are both going to fight (blame here is shared, I think) over even the initial conversation about money then I don't think that is a good move to make unless you both can change the way you communicate with one another - preferably in a respectful manner with no belittling or blame on either side. Calling your brother "not an adult" would be (on this forum) flaming, I think, and personally I wouldn't expect any call from them anytime soon after that, unfortunately. :smallfrown: Regardless of coordinating a living situation I think he does deserve an apology at least for that from you. If he wants to apologize for anything he's done that's up to him.

As to the TV, phone, bed situation no matter where you go I'd say you need to be the one making decisions about that. If someone else tries to make those decisions for you it is your job to say "Thanks but no thanks I'll do it this way instead." And be firm but nice. Again, taking care of a lot of these issues and expenses on your own will not only make it easier on you but also on your brother and his family (or whoever ends up being the roomie) as you'll be largely independent in those areas. That way you get what you want with minimal reliance on or emotional debt to another.

Now I also do not have a cell phone. Mainly because I need a land line for internet access and I would rather not have to pay for two phone bills. If I didn't need internet I'd gladly get a cell phone because I have had one before and they really are convenient if you need to get a hold of someone and especially handy if you are trying to coordinate with people. Perhaps a pay-as-you-go cellphone would work for you? I also do not have cable and the TV's sole function is to be hooked up to video game consoles. I watch my TV online. If you don't want a TV just tell them that and thank them for trying to help.

It sounds like your brother wants to help you get set up and is probably doing what he himself would like to have done for him if your positions were reversed. Again, it is your job to say thanks but no thanks as these purchases are being made with your money. If he wants to help he can help you move in or haul a mattress you find suitable.

I understand the concern for the kids and the cat but you are right - you can't really expect to keep a cat locked up in only one room of the house. Given that, it's up to your brother's family to decide if this works for them or not.

As to watching the nephew, I would regard that as a family favor type situation, not an obligation. Though remember, them letting out a room to you also falls into the family favor category. It's not unreasonable for them to hope for reciprocity in this regard but if it becomes something that is just a tool of guilt on either end then the situation can be bad. If you want to be fair you could offer to watch their son for an agreed upon amount per hour knocked off your rent. Make the price as reasonable as the rent I'd say and you'd both be on equal footing there. You get a discount room you pay for and they get discount child care they pay for.

As for emotional issues each individual is responsible for their own feelings and the defense of them. If your brother or father or whoever is nasty to you it's your job to stick up for yourself and to take care of your own hurt feelings. Making someone else responsible for how you feel is a losing proposition for you. It's really up to you. And their own feelings are up to them. That said if a person is nasty to another they are likely to butt heads more often and grudges will build and that's not good for anyone.

If you find you are being mistreated say how you feel without bringing them into it if possible. And give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not doing it on purpose to hurt you. Also don't bring it up every time you feel you are slighted or they will begin to feel like they cannot say anything to you without you feeling hurt. Strapping on your "suit of emotional armor" is the key I think.

As to not being seen as a person I think you may be inferring that. Negotiating the costs and benefits of a housing situation such as this is natural and doesn't really have anything to do with the emotional side of things. If your brother was unwilling to let you move in in the first place he probably wouldn't have offered. Now his idea of you moving in and your idea of you moving in may differ and that's where most of the conflict seems to be happening. Keeping this sort of give and take "strictly business" is, frankly, a good strategy for both of you to use. Or for you to use no matter who you end up moving in with. Keep it up front and keep the "strings attached" stuff to a minimum. You are responsible for moving in, paying your bills, and doing your best to get along with your roomies. And so are they. Favors might be exchanged one way or another and so long as everyone does it with a degree of friendly give and take it should be fine.

But moving in with people changes the dynamic greatly. Some people make great friends but you'd never want to live with them. Money changes things too. It's a risky proposition but if it works it can be beneficial to all involved.

Anyways I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with everything and that this is weighing on you so. I'm hoping things get resolved and that the moving in can happen and that it does work out to be beneficial to all. I know this cannot be easy for you and also that it cannot be easy for your brother and his family either. Best wishes. :smallsmile:

Trog

[Cyrion]

Here's another voice of support!

To add to what others have said- however you resolve your issues with Stu, Nikki and your father, remember that you've tried your best (you have haven't you?) to make that a positive situation. If that doesn't work, it doesn't work and you shouldn't carry extra guilt just because they're family. The real mark of a family is the depth of care and respect they have for each other, and this may or may not have anything at all to do with blood. Be the best person you can and make the best of the situation, but don't let yourself be taken advantage of, abused, etc. Don't feel guilty for making un an unselfish decision that's best for you.

A note in favor of land lines- if something comes up, dialling 911 from a land line automatically gives your location and emergency personnel can be sent to you most directly. It is a growing problem for emergency services that cell phones don't give accurate information (they only have to peg callers within 300 meters 95% of the time) and so they are delayed or can't get to the right place at all. That being said, a cell phone means you are always within reach of someone.

[Jacklu]

Okay. After some meditation on the subject, I think I am ready now. First off, I can only understand the situation as an outsider with only part of the story. That said, this is my suggestion.

It honestly doesn't sound like even if you and your brother talked and work it out either of you would be happy living under the same roof, all things considered. Sometimes life deals us a bad hand. But sometimes a bad hand is just a way of saying to go play another game for now. What I mean by that is that, given the problems you have had with your family, and the problems you so clearly see arising from possibly moving in with your brother, it is probably for the best that you don't move in with him.

However, cutting them off completely would not be helpful, either for you, or for them. That doesn't mean I think you should be calling them daily or something, but that you should leave them with some way of contacting you. I would also suggest calling them to let them know what your final decision is, whether you plan on trying to live with them, or that you have found somebody who is willing to put you up and give you the support that you need and they are probably unable to give.

My suggestion then? Take Merc-Mal's offer, but be sure to try calling your brother at least one more time, even if only to let him know what your decision is and leave an email address where he can reach you. If you call and he doesn't answer, then leave a voice message to that effect. Let them know that you love them and wish it could be reciprocated, but that right now, the best thing for you is to be with people who see you beyond your disabilities and the trouble living with you might cause. Whatever you do, please please please don't go the low road and say things that you would regret having be the last things your family will hear from you. If this really is to serve as an end of the contact between you and them, then let it be a dignified one. Don't let their last memories of dealing with you be you railing at them and telling them off. Regardless of the past and how things look now, it is impossible to know what the future might bring. Call me hopelessly optimistic, but there is always the chance that someday, somehow, your family will come around and want to reconcile. Don't give them any reason to ever look back and decide against it. That, and knowing how much you've spoken of your nephew and your hope of getting to know him, it would be next to impossible for that to ever happen if things end with an explosion and you storming off forever. A slim chance is always preferable to no chance at all.

Well, that would be my two cents on the matter. Again, I make no claims to being right, only that this is the best I feel I can offer with the limited information I have. Whatever you decide on, though, remember that there are scores of people here ready to offer their support at the drop of a hat. Best of luck, Bor. *hugs*

[Myshlaevsky]

I'm sorry, I just can't support cutting all contact with your family for the rest of your life. I feel very strongly that you should proceed to move in with Mercury Maline for definite, and not seek out your family for contact.

I think, though, that you should at least provide them with the details of how to contact you should they wish. Even just a written address, if not a phone number. Write them a letter with your new written address or email on it.

[V'icternus]

First thing first, move in with Merc-Mal.

Nest, I would write a letter (Not an E-mail or Phone call) informing your family of where you now live.

Third, from what I can see, you are not in any way in fault here, so if they want to ignore you, let them. They're honestly not worth your time and effort if I understand everything you've written correctly.

Personally, if it were me, I'd skip phase #2, because if my family were treating me like that, I would just cut them out of my life for a while. But, I understand that most people tend to be a little more considerate towards their families, so I included that in my suggestion list.


And, on a personal note regarding your brother, thinking logically doesn't mean being a jerk. Trust me, I know. If he were thinking logically, he would know that he would lead a better life if he too kothers emotions into account as they are a driving force in everyones everyday activities. To think logically without taking emotions into account just leaves you pretty much dead. (Took me a few months to figure that out, actually...)

I just wish I could offer some real help here, because frankly, you do a lot, and I'm not just talking about here on the forums. (Though you have provided more reasonable, helpful help than anyone else I can care to remember) You're just a good person, regardless of what you were, in some vague past that has no bearing on who you are now.

If there's anything I (and I'm sure I speak for many people here) can do, anything at all, I'd be more than happy to.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...A few details seem to be needed here, if only to clarify the situation.

I have had type 1 diabetes for 35 years come September. I also have severe recurring depression and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Given these three conditions, when I am stressed, I become physically ill, and often react over-emotionally. I am conscious that these things EXPLAIN my behavior, but do not EXCUSE it.

Telonius, you asked, "If your brother, his wife, and your father came back tomorrow with a cartload of apologies, would that change things? Why or why not? Do you really want to live with them, or do you really just feel like you should?" My answers are that, no, a cartload of apologies would not be enough. I dread being brought into a situation where people can turn on me in a split-second, and there's no way out for me. I would need PROOF that they want me and not my money. By proof, I only want the gesture. Tell me I'm welcome without rent, and I'll be more comfortable. Let me make this clear: I DO NOT EXPECT TO LIVE ANYWHERE FREE OF RENT! I see it as being aking to my saying, "If I had ten million dollars, I'd give you half of it because I care." I don't have it, so I can't give it...but the intent is there. Even so, I was of the impression that I was moving there to be with people who CARED ABOUT ME. Advertise as that, I wanted to live there. Now...

Well, it was unfolding like this...My focus on the move was of all the things I'd need to accomplish once I was there. I'd need to visit the local "Welfare" Office in an effort to get secondary insurance. I needed to find a primary care physician within a few short weeks of getting there. I needed to locate mental health case management. My brother's focus was that this needed to be paid for, and that needed to be paid for, and that his son needs watching...and he was brushing aside everything else as secondary.

Jack Squat...Check your math. He was offering me $150 less than a stranger. If he was offering $250 less than a stranger, I'd be a happy camper. :smallwink:

Trog, my problem is that I don't have an "emotional suit of armor." I have an "emotional repulsor ray." This is, admittedly, a problem for me. When I come into extremely stressful situations, I duck my head and hope it all goes away. If it doesn't go away, the emotional fuses inside my head that are barely being held together by Zoloft explode, and I say all kinds of things I usually regret later on. And the moment the opportunity presents itself, I create as large a gap as possible between myself and whatever the problem is.

But between you and some of what Sucrose said, I've been given some material upon which to reflect.

Now, I have my brother's e-mail address. No problem there. I can send him a message to say, "Here's what's happening, sorry we couldn't work it out, be well." But my father...The only way to reach him is by phone or mail. I don't have a printer, and...well, if he could read my handwriting, that would be a miracle unto itself. I'm going to have to call him, and this brings about my greatest fears.

Last month, my father and I had a blowout over something that was none of his concern. It came about because my biological mother lives near my brother, and without any kind of prompting, he said, "If you start a war with her under Stu'd roof, you'll find yourself out on the street." It was one of those situations where my psychological operations went awry, and I screamed...and cried...and had such a panic attack that I experienced chest pains and hung up as my step-mom (whom I love dearly).

Days later, I spoke to my brother, and he was floored. He stated that it wasn't our father's place to make such a threat, and that we'd already worked out how to handle situations where I might encounter my biological mother.

So I called my father, and when he got on the phone, I immediately started apologising for having exploded. He tried to cut me off, claiming he didn't need an apology. When I stressed that it was important that I do so, because it was the right thing to do, he said, with that infamous matching attitude, "Whatever."

There are those who don't know the grand tale, and I'm not going to repeat what's been repeated numerous times already. There is a reason why I refer to the woman who birthed me as "my biological mother." I put on quite the act of strength when I say, "I'm done with her. Just tell me when she's dead so I can start speaking about her in the past tense." But the truth is that it hurts. I tried so hard, and for so long, to repair the relationship that a mother and son should have...only to be treated in the most horrific manner during a time of genuine crisis.

And the path of my life is leading me right to a similar destination with my father and brother. I'm not considering severing ties because I WANT to. I'm considering it because it hurts to be the caring, sensetive guy that I am, only to be treated, as I see it, like a problem that requires a resolution.

Finally...I want to point out a dynamic between my brother and I that I simply don't understand. Last year, he almost died. I went insane trying to get to his side before that happened, and it was THE PLAYGROUND that came to my rescue. When the people I'd known for decades would only wish me luck on getting to Stu, it was this fantastic community that got me where I felt I needed to be.

Now, in my mind, I rushed to my brother's side. I was still making under $800 a month back then, so "rushing" is defined as me waiting until help arrived, and then flying out on the earliest flight I could find at a reasonable rate. On my first full day there, Stu was downgraded from "serious but stable" to just plain old "stable," and he was moved to a regular room. I was able to visit him for hours at a time on a daily basis, and I was able to convey the message that had been on my mind during the whole saga: "I love you."

Yet after everything I did to get to him, with him as the focal point of everything I did during that time, there is a part of him that believes I didn't get there fast enough. I can hear it in his voice, when he tries to make it sound like a joke, "Yeah...It took you over a week to get to me." To someone who doesn't know him, it would, indeed, sound like a joke...but I know that he's actually somewhat serious when he says it. And I then find myself in a position to ask him, "I'm sorry, but how many others even bothered to come see you? Only those who live locally came running. Me, the disabled guy with no money, dropped to his knees and pleaded with the world to get me to you, and I made it. No one else even tried."

(Note: Had my father not been experiencing his own medical problems, he would have rushed to TN. Still, prior to my visit, my father was actually against me making the trip, claiming that visiting hours were limited, and I wouldn't get to see my brother very much. After my trip, my father was pleased to see my brother and I getting closer.)

Sorry, folks...None of this is easy for me. I love my brother. I love my father. And I know that somewhere in their own psychologically damaged brains that they love me too. Alas, they don't know how to show it. They don't understand my illnesses, especially on the psych front. And this is why I'm asking for aid, support, or a spur-of-the-moment alien abduction to get me out of this mess.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to craft an e-mail to my brother, as had been suggested. I'm tired of being shouted at by him, especially when he appears to turn into a stubborn child that's unwilling to work toward something beneficial for all.

As for my father...Well, I sense it's going to come down to me taking a dose of anti-anxiety meds before I call him, and then pray he'll address me like an adult, instead of the simpleton he thinks I've become.

Know that I have been in touch with Mercury Maline, and that we've pretty much locked in on my moving in with him. We apparently get along quite well, and I'm hoping that that remains a constant once we're sharing the same roof.
By all means, keep your feedback coming. In no way to I want to rush into making final decisions without giving it some thought.

[Jack Squat]

Jack Squat...Check your math. He was offering me $150 less than a stranger. If he was offering $250 less than a stranger, I'd be a happy camper. :smallwink:

There's a reason I'm not a math major :smalltongue:

[Mr. Mud]

By all means, keep your feedback coming. In no way to I want to rush into making final decisions without giving it some thought.

Hmm more feedback you say?

Take time for yourself Bor. Read a book. Or write a book. Watch House. Find some yarn and play with Nike. Just do something where you can forget about Life for an hour or two each day...

That's not to say procrastinate. Just make sure you have 'Bor-Time' :smallsmile:.

[Yarram]

Well... I haven't really got smart advice, but I hope you're ok man. *Hugs*

[Trog]

Trog, my problem is that I don't have an "emotional suit of armor." I have an "emotional repulsor ray." This is, admittedly, a problem for me. When I come into extremely stressful situations, I duck my head and hope it all goes away. If it doesn't go away, the emotional fuses inside my head that are barely being held together by Zoloft explode, and I say all kinds of things I usually regret later on. And the moment the opportunity presents itself, I create as large a gap as possible between myself and whatever the problem is.

But between you and some of what Sucrose said, I've been given some material upon which to reflect.
I'd argue that everyone has a suit to one degree or another. Somewhere between leather and full plate. But that might be a whole other discussion.

I sympathize with the "repulsor ray" effect as I do the same thing as a knee jerk reaction oftentimes. I think it might be a factor in the whole tangled anxiety disorder mess somehow. Anyways my point is you can build a suit if need be. Or perhaps take the armor smithing proficiency (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiGJQtzHSls) first then start building. :smallwink:

Learning and building it just takes time and practice like any other skill. I can't say I'm the greatest at it myself from time to time but I recognize that it's either reinforce the armor or suffer without it. Personally I'd rather not live without it.

Faltering self esteem (the reason for needing the armor) is a difficult thing to change but learning how to stick up for yourself doesn't require you to like yourself more... just that you get better at drawing the line in regards to how people treat you. And that's the trick. When someone talks down to you it hurts but you have every right to be indignant and to defend yourself. In fact I'd say it's an obligation.

Sometimes though you have to sever ties with those who simply won't recognize your boundaries or those who will not abate in crossing them despite your best efforts. I've had to do that a few times in my life, unfortunately, and each for different reasons - kleptomania, complete disrespect, abusiveness, etc. At no time was it easy but if I had to do it all over again I'd make the same choice. Some people are just not worth the effort it takes to deal with them.

[Sucrose]

Bor, thank you for the follow-up; it does help us (or at least me) see what's going on a little bit more clearly.

I agree that an e-mail would be an easier way to send a message to your brother. As for your father, given how very frightening you find him, if you wish to contact him after all this, I would heavily encourage the mail option.

You just said that you don't have a printer; do you have anyone who you're close enough to feel comfortable asking to print this? If it's a RL friend, you wouldn't even have to let them see the document; just borrow their computer for a bit, type it up, print it out, and be on your way. The other option, online friends, would require that someone else see your letter, but many here would be just as willing to help with this as meatspace friends are. (Myself included, if you think asking a guy who's written to you all of twice is worthwhile.)

I'm glad that you've settled pretty firmly on Mercury Malne; from what you've written, it seems quite ideal. Beyond that, I have no further advice, but I would like to reiterate that you have my support.

[RabbitHoleLost]

I can only agree with Jacklu, Bor, dearest.
I think even if you spoke it all out with your family, it seems that it might only be "patched up". That is, to say, in my opinion, you'll have a tenuous relationship akin to an older teenager and a parents home.
You'll argue, he (or his wife) will threaten to kick you out, etc.
I don't think anyone would be happy in that home, the way things are now.

Take Merc's offer up, but do try to call your brother and father to let them know what's going on. Even if they're being awful, even if you're so angry you can't even think straight about them, let them know.
The pain and worry would be far too strong.

[Anuan]

Move in with Maline.
Seriously.
I know there's the whole 'but they're my family and blahblahblah' but, they're...well, they're being *****. Feel for them, miss them, sure, but it's better than getting your foot amputated and then your brother saying "Hey yeah we cant afford this, move out."

Mercury's great. We talk a lot. They've explained the situation to me. You'll be safe and treated well there.

I say go with the situation where you can begin the road to emotional healing instead of a situation where you're always in pain from your family's actions. Go with Maline.

[Eon]

well i agree that if your family is going to be like that i suggest to move in with Maline.

[Umael]

Love suggests caring and respect.

[arguskos]

You know where I stand, Bor. We're here for you, as we always are. :smallbiggrin:

When you move in with Mercury Maline and crew, let us know, yeah?

[Mythestopheles]

Thats tough... I'd have to agree with the others and say move in with Maline. But let your family know where you are, maybe send a letter explaning the situation to them. Seems to me that your relationship with your brother will never be anything but patched up no matter what you do.
I know it's not much help, but good luck.

[SharpWolf]

Hi there. Even though I'm mostly lurking, I've read about your situation and I've decided to chime in to say this:

If it had been anyone else than your family, would you have put up with any of this? If it was a stranger that had treated you the way your brother did, would you have kept going back to him, trying to make things work?

My take on the whole thing is this: you deserve to be treated with respect, as a responsible adult, as a *person*, no matter by whom. Relationships work both ways. Both people involved are supposed to make efforts, try to make compromises and treat the other with respect. However, some persons are like black holes: it doesn't matter how much you give them, they'll only hunger for more, more and more, until they have consumed everything, at which point they'll move on to someone else. It is best, for your own safety and well-being, to stay as far away as possible from these people.

Now, as for the cutting contact thing, I can't give you a definitive answer -- none of us can but you. However, I would suggest that you ask yourself, in all honesty, if, through all this, your situation, disease, struggles and all that, your family has truly shown you care, love, and compassion. And I'm not talking about "the way things should be" or if "they have done their best". I'm talking about the cold, hard truth. "Good intentions" are a poor substitute for *good results*. Too often, "good intentions" are used as an excuse to not help others. Personally, I tend to be extremely wary of people who always claim to have "good intentions" and yet never seem to actually give any help. I am even more so towards those who consistently use this to excuse disrespectful, demeaning or abusive behavior. To me, it tends to indicate strongly that those who act that way never in fact had any good will or intentions and are just trying to both avoid responsibility for their actions and appease their own conscience.

So ask yourself this: your family might say that they were trying to help you but, in the end, during and after all these events, did they? Did they make you feel loved and supported? Do you feel that you are better off now thanks to them? Did they show any *concrete* sign that they have in fact tried to understand you and the situation you are in? Were they open to dialog, compromise, exploring with you possibilities that they might not have thought about? Have they shown you any *concrete* sign that they were willing to help and support you? And by that I mean, did they consider that what *you asked for* might actually have been what you needed, rather than what *they* might have thought you needed, and as such offered the kind of support you needed and asked for? Have they given your opinions, needs and feelings any thought -- that is, did they listen to you, reflect upon what you said and, based on that, offered you any kind of concrete, useful, practical and constructive advice or support?

If the answer to these questions is "no" then, trust me, you're better off without them. No one has the right to treat you as an inferior, in a disrespectful and demeaning way, *no matter who they are*, common genes or not. Trust me, I know by experience how hard and painful it is to stop thinking about how "things could be", but the truth is that if you're the only one to put any effort into it, it's not worth your time, efforts, energy or health. If they *truly* want to have a healthy relationship -- which it certainly doesn't sound like to me right now -- then let them walk their own path to you and meet you midway, and if they don't, well, I suggest you leave it at that. You cannot make them walk this path, and you cannot make them change. Only they can do that. It is not your duty to "make things right" with them, especially if they don't show any concrete sign that that's they wish for too.

Now, I'm not necessarily telling you to cut all contact and never ever talk to them again for the rest of your life, but if the situation makes you feel that upset, so close to blowing up once and for all, I would advise you to stay away from them, at least for the time being, maybe a few weeks, or even months, whatever you feel might be necessary for you to find back your balance. Go ahead and move in with Mercury Maline. Focus on yourself, on what makes you feel better and allows you to heal and regain your mental and emotional health. You deserve it. Yup, read that again: *you deserve it*. It is my experience that this kind of situation kind of ends up poisoning the mind, blurring lines and limits that should be clear, making you feel guilty when you shouldn't, and confused and angry when one most need support. Time for yourself, in a stable and more peaceful setting will help you heal and see things in a more clear and precise way. Contact them (email would probably be best) to tell them about your decision, if you think that might you make feel better, but after that you should probably keep your distances for the time being.

Again, I know how hard it is to live through that kind of situations and you have my full understanding for how you feel right now. I know the pain of realizing that things might not end "the way they should be", how it cuts right through the heart, after one has given so much for things to go right. But, in my experience, these kinds of wounds are like a knife stuck in a wound. You can *almost* get used to it over time if you don't think too much about it and it hurts like hell if you try to take it out, and yet the only way for it to heal is to go through with it so that you can take care of the wound. Likewise, it might hurt a whole lot to cut contact -- if only for a time -- with your family but, give it time, and chances are you will start feeling better. *Then*, it will be easier to see what to do next.

And, finally, I offer you this thought: your brother, father and mother are your biological "family". It is possible for you to have nothing in common but some genes and the reproductive process which brought you to this world -- and it might stay this way for the rest of your life. But there is no need to despair, for you have your friends, the family you have chosen, and who have chosen you likewise. In my opinion, this choice -- caring for each other not because "you're supposed to" because of some biological process, but because they are worth it and are the ones who you love and who love you back -- make them your *true* family. "Destiny" might give us sometimes a bad hand, but through these choices, we can *make* our own hand. To be able to have the energy to enjoy life together with these people is, in my opinion, worth a lot more than spending a whole life trying to "fix" something that might never work.

Well, that was a lot longer than I expected, and I hope I didn't say anything out of turn (if so, my apologies).

Be well!

[Flame of Anor]

If the only thing forcing your communication to your father to be a phone call, not mail, is your bad handwriting--no, just no. There is sure to be a place where you can print something. Any well-equipped library will have computer printing terminals where you can print out a document for a few cents per page. Send him a typed letter (though personally signed, I'd say) and off you go to Mercury Maline's haven.

[skywalker]

Hey Bor. Your e-mail mentioned this thread, so I figured you were soliciting posts here. I'm going to respond here, and I'll try to keep it limited to what you've said here. If you'd rather talk over e-mail, I can of course oblige.

DISCLAIMER FOR OTHERS: I have mostly read Bor's post. I have not particularly read a lot of others, and I probably won't address them. I am likely to be a dissenting voice (I don't know, haven't gotten down to responding just yet). Don't take it personally, I'm just saying my piece.

Spoilered for length.


Okay...A couple of months ago, without actually understanding my illnesses, the relatives I still talk to decided I should move closer to family that could care for me. Living utterly alone is unhealthy for me. I'm nearing a time in my life where I'm going to need help with a variety of things, and being by myself isn't working out so well.

This all sounds rather reasonable to me.


Thus, the pieces immediately started falling into place. My brother offered me a room in his house at a price of $350 a month. Not only was this a somewhat nice change of pace, in that my rent would finally be reasonable for a guy living beneath poverty, but there are Playgrounders in Tennessee that were looking forward to my moving to their state. Things were looking pretty good.

Excellent, your family was looking to take you in, and you were setting wheels in motion to get here (I live about 20 minutes from the hospital where Bor visited Stu).


Unfortunately, I live in a world of guilt. I hate being a burden to anyone, and have fought rather hard to try and make it on my own. The years have proven this is impossible, and I am ultimately blessed for the friends I have. They’ve made my existence easier for all the help they’ve given over the last few years. I expressed my guilt to Stu, to the point that it was starting to irritate him. (Keep this in mind as the tale goes on.) He shouted into the phone, “WE WANT YOU TO MOVE HERE!”

So, you continued to insist that this must bother your brother, until it did bother him?


The first problem became my cat, Nike. “Nikki is worried about the cat making [our son] sick. She’s not a ‘pet person.’ Nikki would prefer if your cat stayed in your bedroom.” Ummm…Look, I’m all for sexual equality, but do you get to actually make any decisions in your own house? Or is it all saved for when your wife is at work, when you get to bully your son? I didn’t say this, of course, but I was starting to see that Stu had virtually no power within his own house. I pressed the fact that locking up Nike in my room wouldn’t be good for anyone, especially the cat, and Stu relented.

My concern was how to get Nike to TN. The costs of getting her there were ridiculous. I carry more diseases than my cat, and can fly one way for probably under $200. Taking Nike on the plane with me was going to cost twice that, at the very least. Luckily, a Playgrounder leapt to my aid and took her in for safekeeping while my future was to be decided.

So your brother's wife didn't want your cat around. You explained that the cat helped keep you sane, is one of your closest friends. And they were accepting and accommodating of that fact.


The next problem was my need for a phone. I need to be able to call doctors. Doctors need to be able to call me. I need to register with various government agencies, and need a way for them to reach me.

While I sat here and thought about getting a land line, Stu started working on a plan to add me to his cell phone family plan. I have a degree of disdain for cell phones. I can see the need for certain individuals to have one. For some people, it’s their only phone service, like my brother. After that, it’s an egotistical statement. “This is how important I am; people need to be able to reach me all the time, no matter where I am. For that reason, rather than waiting to get home to tell you about my doctor’s visit, I’ll be calling you from the crowded bus to shout into the phone and let you know the rash IS contagious.” I didn’t want a cell phone. I don’t need a cell phone. Alas, I would be getting a cell phone.

But in order to get the cell phone, which I would have to pay for, Stu needed to upgrade his family plan. And who would be paying for the upgrade? Me. So, added to the $350 was now the cost of a cell phone and the upgrade.

What’s more is that I told Stu my cell phone would likely sit in the house, only to be used there. I got a “talking to” for this. “No…You’ll keep it with you whenever you leave the house. Why else would you have a cell phone?” Ummm…Well, mostly because you’re cornering me into getting one.

So, to you, having a cell phone means thinking you're important enough to have a cell phone. To others it might not mean anything at all about your ego. It might simply mean that you recognize the value of being "in touch" at all times. Perhaps it was in that e-mail I never sent to you, but having a cell phone isn't about a false sense of importance. It's about having a real sense of importance, a sense that you should have. Your brother expects you to have a cell phone because, if you "take a little trip" while out and about or while watching your nephew, you are important enough to him that he should know that you are in distress. Why else would he be so adamant that you have the thing and carry it with you?

Another consideration about the cell-phone: How considerate are you being? When you say that his only phone service is cell, that means that there would probably need to be some significant work to get a land-line done for you. Maybe even more ($ wise) than getting you a cell phone. And when you say that you're going to leave it in your room, how would you expect him to react? He's willing to go to this effort, put you on the plan, and then pay the bill for you to be able to get in contact with him, or someone else who cares about you in case of an emergency. Wouldn't it seem to him like you are throwing all that in his face when you say "I'm leaving it in my room?"


Next was the great TV debate. I don’t watch a lot of television; I have a few favorites, and that’s about it. But Stu seems to see TV as a NEED. Thinking that I would be able to simply watch what televisions he already had in the house, I was prepared to sell the television I have now. No…At certain hours, the television belongs to either his family or him. Just as I was resigning to watching “House” via the Internet, Stu declared I could just buy a new television when I got there, since shipping my tube set would be too costly. How I was to pay for this, I have no idea. This "new" TV would go in my room, and Stu would extend his satellite service into my room, and I would then pay for my portion of a satellite service I've managed to live without for YEARS!

What about other hours? Does his family own the TV 24/7? It is also probably hard for him to understand that a person can live without satellite TV. I personally know that my parents got it and I always think I can live without it, but then I remember that I would miss certain channels. Or perhaps he thinks you need either cable or satellite and can't live without antenna? Or perhaps his house gets very poor antenna signal?


On to my computer, which I’d calculated would cost somewhere between $150 and $200 to ship from AZ to TN. I would insure it for a mere $1000, mostly because of previous bad experiences shipping a computer. That insurance would allow me to replace it should anything happen to it in transit. But Stu was looking at the shipping cost and saying that it’s almost not worth it. My computer is five years old, and not even worth the $200 it might cost to ship. “We can always just go to Best Buy, where I have a line of credit, and you can buy a new computer, then pay me back.” With what money?!?

Little injection here with supposed feedback from my father. I hadn’t spoken to him, but Stu says he did, and my father apparently expressed a desire to shell out as little money as possibly for this whole venture. Even the plane tickets would be free, as he’d be using the miles accumulated on his credit card. My father hadn’t even been approached with the cost of shipping my computer, yet he was grumbling about it to Stu.

On this point, I agree that it is rather economically unfeasible to pay $200 to ship a 5-year old (keep in mind that average service life is 3 years, you've almost hit 2 service periods) computer to your new residence when you can buy a new (better) computer there for around $500. That's $300 more than you would've spent, and I'm being generous. You can find laptops on Best Buy.com that are $80 more, and probably still better than a 5 year old machine. It would also last you longer. When I read that you could pay him back (according to him) I immediately thought he meant "you can pay me back a little at a time." That made perfect sense to me, and I question why you didn't think maybe he meant that?


Then came the need for a bed. I was to occupy a bed that Nikki’s niece had in the house…but said niece was moving out, and taking the bed with her. Stu’s instant answer was to say he wanted to buy a NEW twin-sized bed for me. I objected, saying I need room to toss and turn in bed. PTSD makes sleeping an adventure unto itself for me. I said I’d want a full-sized bed, and that’s when I get questions like, “Is it okay if we don’t get a frame for the bed? Because frames cost extra.” And, of course, I’d be expected to pay for the bed. With that very concept in mind, I suggested he contact the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Stu’s first reaction was one of avoidance. “I don’t think there are any places around like that that would have a bed.” I insisted he call to find out.

We have both of those places around here. I have no idea if they have those sorts of things. Since I have established in my mind that your brother cares about you (which I will explain in a bit), I personally think this particular argument springs from a "no brother of mine is going to sleep on a Goodwill mattress" sort of attitude. And if you're paying for the bed, what does he care about a frame?

Also on this subject, a lot of people have stuff lying around that they don't want. I might have some bed stuff, and if I don't, I probably know some people who do. I offered a sorority girl I've never met my Accounting textbook from last semester, so why don't you ask around about this type of stuff?


A few weeks ago, Stu got a job. He has been searching for reasonable, permanent employment since he stared Death in the eye over a year ago. He had work with Circuit City through the holidays, but then that company filed for bankruptcy, and that was the end of that job. Now he found a part-time job, with hours so variable that his and Nikki’s schedules might overlap. So he happily announced that there would be times when I would have to watch my nephew. Prior to this, I’d volunteered for the service. I was willing to help out where I could. Now it was my job…A job, mind you, for which there would be no reward.

Dude, you offered. I have no idea what you said, but you offered. When he tried to take you up on that, you got offended. I don't understand what you're so upset about here.


On top of ALL this, there were the rules. I had to buy whatever specialty foods I needed/wanted. I’d have to use headphones when using my computer so as not to disturb anyone else. That whole “ownership of TV time.” Oh…and my FAVORITE: I was, under no circumstances, permitted to complain; Stu claimed his wife didn’t want to hear ANY of it. One had to start wondering exactly how welcome I truly was.

Pardon me, but these don't seem too strict. Did they literally mean use headphones all the time, or merely late at night or when someone else is sleeping? That's just good common courtesy, especially if you're playing a video game or something else noisy. "Ownership of TV time" also seems like a pretty decent rule. That way, no one is coming in, kicking you off the TV when you had no idea it was coming. It was all laid out in advance, you see, and you agreed to it. This is a pretty frequent household rule, in my experience.


Let us not forget the emotional issues of my family, in general. I’m a psychological wreck, despite what I present here on the Playground. One of the things that’s kept me from the psych ward has been Nike; if I was in the hospital, who would care for my cat? And so I dipped a toe in the psychological waters.

Me: Stu…? Are you prepared for the things that could happen to me?
Stu: Like what?
Me: Well, I have Charcot’s feet. This could result in the loss of a foot. Are you ready to deal with things like that?
Stu: (right to the money) I can’t afford to put any kind of lift in the house. Besides, there’s no room for that kind of thing.
Me: No, Stu. I’m talking about on an emotional level. Are you going to be able to handle your brother losing body parts to illness as time passes?
Stu: Emotions? What emotions?
Me: Well, it’s nice to see that you’re so concerned about such things.
Stu: What can I say? I think logically.

Uh huh. Right.

So you don't like your brother's way of dealing with things. That much I gather. I don't see how his (apparent) lack of emotions relates to your cat getting cared for. What you're really upset about here is that he's not hypothetically crying his eyes out because you hypothetically lost a foot. You ask him if he's ready to deal with things like that. Presumably, that question meant "can you handle it without breaking down?" And he responded by being completely stoic: "Yes Rob, I can handle it. I'm not showing any emotion now, am I?" You wanted him to not be able to handle it. But you didn't ask that question, and you certainly didn't ask in a way that would elicit a response of "You know, I'll be sad about it, but it happens, and I'm going to try and be strong for you because I think you need it, because you're my brother and I love you."


So I’m looking at the entire situation, and I’m becoming increasingly worried. The $350 rent had climbed, tacking on money for the phone, the phone upgrade (admittedly a one-time charge), a possible television, a bed, fulfilling my own dietary needs, possible costs for medications, paying him back for either a new computer or the shipping of the old one…The grand discount he’d initially offered me for rent was gone, and I was also being handed the job of “nanny” with no reward for it. (By reward, I don’t necessarily mean I should be paid…but to offer me SOMETHING would have been…well, human.) And then to treat me like a child, laying out rules as though I’d be a rebellious teenager blasting music through my computer, and punishing me with “no TV time for you, young man!” Where, exactly, were the improvements to my life that were to come with my move to TN?

You were going to be around people who, despite what you so strongly believe, care about you. The grand discount he offered you for rent would remain throughout your stay, unlike those one time costs. But you were already planning for a lot of costs, weren't you? How much less will moving in with Mercury Maline cost you? Even if you had to buy "specialty foods" every month (which you made sound like a rarity) you would still not be paying for all the "regular" food you eat, and eating better (by the sound of it) than you eat now, even without the special stuff. All for less than you do now, because you could do all that for less than or equal to your rent.

They aren't punishing you with the TV thing, and it isn't "No TV for you!" It's a rule. Every household needs rules, especially those in which two or more adults live. They're just trying to set them out in advance, from what I can tell.


My brother may claim to run on logic, but as I said, he has a history of throwing a fit when things don’t go his way. So I cautiously broached the topic of a reduction in my rent. I asked if my rent could be changed fro $350 to $275…and I came to that latter number by way of a program called “Section 8.” This program would allow me to find housing at a third of my monthly income. Stu almost lost it immediately.

Stu: No. Nikki already said that if you’re going to try and renegotiate the rent, it’s off.
Me: Well, Stu…It just seems like a lot is being put on me as my responsibility, and it seems unfair that I should shoulder so much without getting anything out of it.
Stu: You'd be paying over $100 less than what you're paying now, so I don't understand what you're complaining about.
Me: This is supposed to be mutually beneficial to both of us, but it's starting to -
Stu: (cutting me off) THEN JUST FORGET IT!

And he hung up.

Now this where the real meat of the situation is. You say it's not fair that you have to shoulder so much. I postulate, however, that what you're really upset about is that you weren't offered this stuff for free. They didn't give you the chance to be the nice guy and offer to pay, and so now you resent them for it.

I can tell you from experience with my dad that he thinks I don't deserve anything. Everything I get from him is a bonus. This is likely the way your brother works (they sound very similar). From his perspective, he owes you nothing. That he is offering this $100 a month discount to you is already a big gift. Especially since you get to stay with someone who would drag you out of the gutter if you called them on your cell phone.

That you say it's not fair is probably particularly stinging. You live on a government check. That probably doesn't seem fair to him (it doesn't seem fair to a lot of people in this part of the country).

He's right. He's under no obligation to do any of this, and the idea that he should offer to do it for free or you're not welcome is foolish. "HE WANTS YOU THERE!"

Don't let anyone here reinforce your notion that we are more human than your family. Holding that attitude about them is not going to contribute in the slightest. That they did not offer to put you up to free is obviously disappointing to you, but it doesn't make them "less than human." Last time I checked, you didn't get to make the rules for being a human, or even a good one. So there's a little bit of... "get over yourself." I will explain more on this as soon as possible.

I'm terribly sorry, I know I quit half-way thru, and I know you need more. Part 2 is coming, but I was struck at this point by my own fairly painful emotional troubles of the moment, and I did my best to continue, but could not in any productive manner. I have saved your post, and will continue to try to address things in my... unique manner tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

[Felixaar]

Move in with Mercury Maline, Bor. Heck, I'd invite you to move in with me if I didn't live an ocean away. Plus if you're living with MM, we'll get to meet up when we roadtrip around next year :smallsmile:

Family are generally nice, and we love them, but that's probably the main reason you don't want to live with them. Things have already gotten pretty bad now, you don't want to make them worse by actually moving in and having to put up with their general crazyness.

Best of luck, buddy. Remember your family isn't always the people who share your blood.

[EndlessWrath]

Bor,
though i have not met you, nor shared much conversation with you, I have seen or read many of your posts and consider you wise beyond your years. Reading this i can see why. My only wish is i could do more than offer a few points of wisdom and a few kind words..:smallfrown:


If i am correct, your health is the reason you need to move near people who can take care of you. If this is correct, why has your family not taken more interest in this is beyond me. Your health should be a priority. I can see why your brother is concerned about his financial welfare and that of his family's but it boils my blood to find that taking a priority over your well-being. Moving in with Stu is not an option at this point. I do not believe it should have been an option in the first place, but i'm glad you realize this. Question: is there possibly another family member you can be near?

On cell phones: Though I understand your point, not all cell phone users are as obnoxious as the loud man on the train. I suggest (if you get a cell phone) to carry it with you, even if you turn it to no sound and no ring... You can even keep it turned off while you spend your day, but it never hurts to have it with you. Believe me, a cell phone has saved my life more than once.:smalleek:

I do suggest to make the move with your friend, but not to cut out your family. Break off from them for now, don't go crawling back. You had a reasonably aggressive response to Stu's ridiculousness. You are a wise person, not because i say you are, and not because you advise others. but because you are willing to take advice with open ears and an open heart. Do not go crawling back to your family, but do not cut them out.

My last suggestion: Call them. Before you move. Tell them you've taken a new offer and that you could not accept theirs. Do not be aggressive. There is no point to continue fighting about this, your brother will either see what really is important or he won't, but you smacking him in the face with it more than one time will not solve anything. If you do care for your brother and your other family members, assert your concerns and let them know your plan, don't fall back or back down. Your father might lecture you or get angry, but these things happen. The main concerns right now are 3 things. (in order of MOST important)
1) Your health
2) your financial state. You need money, it is sad but true. Money will keep you supplied with food and be able to take care of your medical emergencies when they arise.
3) Fix the pieces of your heart. If you feel guilty about this fight with Stu, just call him, if he doesn't answer, leave a message saying i've taken another offer, wanted you to know. keep in touch. talk to you later. etc.

Fathers have an odd way of complicating emotions. You've spent your lifetime viewing him as an authority figure. So i can understand why your worried. But remember, this is about you and your health.

Also, make sure to take your cat along (if possible)...pets have an odd way of keeping us in touch with reality...

I'll try to keep informed about your issue. I can only hope my words make even the most minute of differences
-Wrath

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...A lot of folks are telling me I should move in with MM. It should be known that this is basically a fact. MM's perpetual kindness and offer to aid me in as many ways as possible is, as far as I'm concerned, one of the miracles that stumbles into my life.

I am not a fool, however. People suddenly under the same roof sometimes discover things about one another that they not only didn't know previously, but also grate on the nerves. It's my hope that we can co-exist in peace, to the point where I can get my life in proper order.

Part of the problem is that I'm pressed for time. In a phone conversation the other day with MM, I made a statement that was realized to be horrific. I'm rather tired of all the homicides in this apartment complex. In the five years I've lived here, there have been approximately eight murders, a half dozen deaths via "alternate causes," and enough shootings in general that I've lost count. I need to get out of here, and MM's place is the only escape route that's been offered.

Many people have been all for severing contact with my father and brother; send them a letter and be done with them. But I like SharpWolf's idea of making contact, then giving it a little time for people to heal.

For those who think I've been griping needlessly about the rules being set upon me, I have an understanding that certain rules are needed. But what the situation was gradually turning into was, "Rob...you are to be a silent, unknown, virtually unseen presence here, available for when we need you to watch our son or hand over money. After that, leave us alone." As it happens, I like peace and quiet, and wouldn't be much of a problem at all. But my brother apparently felt the need to threaten me. The most distressing was, "If you're going to complain about anything, you'll be asked to leave. Nikki doesn't want to hear it."

I probably have more to say, but I want to send off a private message, and then head for bed. Thanks for all the feedback, and if anyone has other ideas, by all means, speak up.

[Quincunx]

Sit down and write out two letters to your brother. One of them will be as positive as possible, flattering to their willingness to take you in, and concludes with regret that the second possibility of a place to live has arisen, and while you are still brothers, it'll have to be at a distance. (skywalker has done most of the work on this one, showing the positive spins on many facets of the arrangement.) The other one, let rip like you did in the first post, fight your corner and emphasize your needs. As much as possible, leave his wife out of both of them; she's got enough to worry about without a brotherly spat. Read 'em both--possibly send them both--but whichever one stands out to you, let that one be the guide to the single letter your father will receive.