If Michael Bay Directed The Hobbit [Archive] - Giant in the Playground Forums

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Muz

2009-09-11, 10:46 AM

Inspired by a comment in this thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=124525), I'm moved to ponder the horrific spectacle that might result from the (thankfully completely made-up) tapping of Michael Bay to direct The Hobbit movie. Dwarves played by Maxim models? 50% of the movie being Smaug destroying Laketown, with particular attention paid to his firey explosive attack on the Laketown cooking oil refinery? A 20-minute long barrel chase?

Ponder. Discuss. Go nuts. Amuse me. :smallbiggrin:

Dienekes

2009-09-11, 10:53 AM

You are a sick, sick man.

Aidan305

2009-09-11, 11:11 AM

I lol'd and rofl'd for three minutes when I saw the thread title.

Ossian

2009-09-11, 11:13 AM

With a Michael Bay budget, the spiders' scene in Mirkwood would be just too much for a sane mind to bear.

Also, Beorn would shapechange to be 50 foot tall....

Dienekes

2009-09-11, 11:16 AM

With a Michael Bay budget, the spiders' scene in Mirkwood would be just too much for a sane mind to bear.

Also, Beorn would shapechange to be 50 foot tall....

Don't forget in the Battle of 5 armies where the eagles are replaced with American soldiers.

Muz

2009-09-11, 11:22 AM

Don't forget in the Battle of 5 armies where the eagles are replaced with American soldiers.

Or at least Gandalf-coordinated air strikes via the eagles. :smallsmile:

You are a sick, sick man.

I'm not sick. I'm "charmingly mental." :smallwink:

shadzar

2009-09-11, 11:24 AM

All the dwarves seeking out Bilbo and their home would be trailer park hookers with big boobs (Megan Fox clones...). Bilbo would be played by Shia LaDouche.

The eagles would be played by StarScream, and they would transform into human form to talk to Gandalf and the rest.

Elrond would be CG and all the stars around his crown would be more like real stars....nuclear explosions going off as hydrogen combusts. We would probably get a few close ups of the stars forming and dying out which would eat half the plot, because they would be real explosions on a matte background. To get the explosions they would go to the rainforest and find a tall tree to set them in for the full round burst.

Gandalf would be played by Matt Damon, and give Bilbo the Gandalf Ultimatum to whether he should join the group.

He would take old recordings of Billy Barty and use they for the voices of the dwarves to come out of the mouths of the Megan clones with varying speeds and tempos to make them slightly distinct from each other.

.....

The sun would not hurt the trolls, and Sting would not be what kills the spiders, but a mass of explosions made by Biblgo, MacQuyver style.

mikej

2009-09-11, 11:30 AM

Nooooooo!!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s)

Starscream

2009-09-11, 11:44 AM

This thought frightens and disturbs me. I must go and stare at the wall like the protagonist of an H.P. Lovecraft story after witnessing unfathomable horror.

Oh, man, what if he directed the Cthulu Mythos?! Ten dollars says that Dagon would talk like a stereotypical African American, and Shia Lebeouf would save the world by whining.

Mx.Silver

2009-09-11, 12:16 PM

Well, for a start the eagles would have to go. Instead, there'd be hellicopters. At sunset. Similarly Bjorn would now transform into an american tank.
Bombur, Kili and Fili would all be transformed into 'comdey' ethnic stereotypes whose 'hilarious' antics would provide 'comic relief. At sunset.
Gandalf would obviously be recast to preserve the character's authentic American accent. During their stay at rivendell, he and Elrond would end up smoking weed and, after some hilarious hijinks, would attempt to explain the mechanics of where baby hobbits come from while two wargs humped in the background. At sunset.

In a bold new take on the original text, Belladonna Took would be retconned into being Bilbo's mandatory 'hot' next door neighbour who would accompany the group. As well as performing the important role of appealing to the teenage male demographic, her and Bilbo would have a romantic scene where Bilbo enacts scenes using pieces carved lambas bread which looked like animals. At sunset.

All fight scenes would be carefully filmed in extreme close-up with no single shot lasting more than two seconds. At no point during the filming would these shots focus on the character's faces as this would only detract from the glorious sunset in the background. The exception would be during the fight in the goblin caves, where the sunset would be replaced by a billowing American flag.

In an effort to reinforce the magical element of the blades, the elven swords taken by Bilbo, Gandalf and Thorin would cause all enemies to explode when stabbed.
On second thought, let's have all the goblins explode when killed!
~ Michael

The subplot involving the ring would be scrapped, as the item clearly is of secondary importance to the actual story: watching Bilbo and co. kick ass!
The scene with Gollum would be replaced by Bilbo leading the dwarfs in an impromptu chorus of Jamiroquai's Deeper Underground. All songs in the original text would be replaced by Aerosmith's Don't Wanna Miss a Thing.

In another important updating of the script the ravens would be entirely replaced by 'hot flying valkyrie chicks' who would aid Bard the Bowman in a massive battle with the dragon Smaug over Laketown at sunset. The battle would culminate in Bard, launching himself on a giant spear into the dragon's chest causing the dragon to explode in a huge fireball, which would miraculously leave the raven chicks completely unharmed and still clean.
Make sure to take ample shots of their cleavage to prove this!
~Michael

The final battle of the five armies would last at least 40 minutes and take place in a huge desert at sunset. All the dwarfs in Dain's army would be wearing American army gear. Thorin, although killed, would be miraculously ressurrected at the last minute by Gandalf. At sunset.

Athaniar

2009-09-11, 12:27 PM

I'd watch that.

FoE

2009-09-11, 12:29 PM

The One Ring would become the One Bling and Gollum would speak entirely in slang.

We would dispense with the "gay-ass hobbits" and have Bilbo totally scoring with one of the dwarves, now a hot chick with boobs that are, like, huge. Let's say ... Thorin.

Aotrs Commander

2009-09-11, 12:46 PM

Well, of course, the movie would have to be retconned to centre around some hapless everyMan and his relationship with some generic eye-candy love interest. The original principle cast, being hobbits, dwarves and one demi-god (all of whom are non-human and therefore unsuitable for the bland-minded, mentally challenged masses to "identify" with) would be put into their "rightful" place as background characters, with less screen time than Tom Bombadil's in all productions of Lord of the Rings ever, combined. They would also be re-invisaged to look more "real", as doing it like the books would look "silly".

That the action scenes would be so full of movement, you can't actually see anything that's going on, goes without saying.

Berserk Monk

2009-09-11, 01:15 PM

The movie would happen like this:

explosion
30 million CGI budget
explosion
horrible plot
explosion
Shia Lebeouf
explosion
JRR Tolkein rising from the grave in anger
explosion
explosion
explosion

Oregano

2009-09-11, 01:17 PM

You guys forgot the homeosexual subtext. Of course Peter Jackson's LOTR had enough of that.

Berserk Monk

2009-09-11, 01:18 PM

You guys forgot the homeosexual subtext. Of course Peter Jackson's LOTR had enough of that.

Way to pick the most obvious and overused criticism about LotR.

shadzar

2009-09-11, 01:33 PM

:smallconfused:

Homeosexual? Auto-sexual?...Automatic sex?

Kris Strife

2009-09-11, 01:46 PM

:smallconfused:

Homeosexual? Auto-sexual?...Automatic sex?

I believe theres already a term for that. I also understand the internet is full of visual and video aids for that process as well.

SmartAlec

2009-09-11, 01:46 PM

Smaug would burn the Shire to cinders in the first ten minutes of the film, leaving lone survivor Bilboeuf, naive young sorceress Gadalfia, and a crack team of dwarven mercenaries as all that stands in the way of total global conquest by the dragon and his vast goblin army.

The goblins may or may not have medieval spiked SMGs.

Oregano

2009-09-11, 01:53 PM

Way to pick the most obvious and overused criticism about LotR.

It's a valid one though and also something that's evident in Michael Bay's films(especially Bad Boys) and it was a typo as well people!

EDIT: Is it actually a criticism though?...

Jerthanis

2009-09-11, 02:00 PM

Oddly, the one aspect I remember from Transformers 2 was somewhat appropriate to The Hobbit.

"I just want to live a normal life!"

"Sorry, but destiny says you must help us."

"Oh drat! Well, at least I have a squadron of faceless, personality lacking soldiers to sit around getting saved 90% of the time."

Then the only other aspect I can remember could get worked into finding Smaug's weakpoint.

"I am beneath his scrotum, repeat: I am below his balls."

vgvfyh67yhun [/headdesk]

Megatron46

2009-09-11, 02:00 PM

Even the concept of this is too funny!

I see orange sunsets, dwarves walking in slow motion.

Megan Fox screaming "Saaaaaaaaaaammmmmmm"

As long as Peter Cullen's voice is in it I wouldn't care!

SurlySeraph

2009-09-11, 02:24 PM

If Michael Bay Directed the Hobbit

Noooooooooooooooooo -

Oh, man, what if he directed the Cthulu Mythos?! Ten dollars says that Dagon would talk like a stereotypical African American, and Shia Lebeouf would save the world by whining.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

FoE

2009-09-11, 02:27 PM

chiasaur11

2009-09-11, 02:31 PM

FoE

2009-09-11, 02:33 PM

Hey, it would break the minds of all viewing it.!

SACRIFICES IN THE NAME OF DESTRUCITY!

... No, wait. Sorry. I'm getting my mind-boggling crap mixed up.

bosssmiley

2009-09-11, 02:39 PM

Don't forget in the Battle of 5 armies where the eagles are replaced with American soldiers.

"The Eaglelanders are coming!"
*KABOOM*
"And so is Michael Bay!"

Sgt Thorin Oakenshield chewing on a stogie and snarling out pithy one-liners.
His squad of bad-ass, entirely interchangeable Dwarven marines (sappers?) who really do destroy the plates...with fire!
Bilbo Baggins as a left-liberal peacenik who has to learn manliness through the power of gun.
Mr President Gandalf.
Beorn Cullen
Gollum as comedy sidekick.
Goblins as threatening 'urban' stereotypes.
Elves are wine-sipping Europian surrender monkeys who don't kiss the Dwarves asses enough for saving them in the last war.

At least the OP didn't suggest Uwe Boll. :smallannoyed:

Eldan

2009-09-11, 02:44 PM

Actually, I think the eagles could stay in, they would just pose before billowing laketown flags (red and white stripes) holding arrows and twigs in their talons.

Talya

2009-09-11, 02:59 PM

On the plus side, the passage where gandalf, the dwarves and bilbo are trapped in trees while the wargs gathered below would end spectacularly.

Berserk Monk

2009-09-11, 06:35 PM

It's a valid one though and also something that's evident in Michael Bay's films(especially Bad Boys) and it was a typo as well people!

EDIT: Is it actually a criticism though?...

Even so, I still say that's the most overused slam against the LotR. Sam and Frodo must be lovers. There's such a thing as platonic love between men and these two are alone on a major world saving quest. Might it be possible that they developed a deep bond that is not sexual?

Starscream

2009-09-11, 06:44 PM

On the plus side, the passage where gandalf, the dwarves and bilbo are trapped in trees while the wargs gathered below would end spectacularly.

Yes, with Gandalf urinating on the wargs.

Hadrian_Emrys

2009-09-11, 08:24 PM

Even so, I still say that's the most overused slam against the LotR. Sam and Frodo must be lovers. There's such a thing as platonic love between men and these two are alone on a major world saving quest. Might it be possible that they developed a deep bond that is not sexual?

I've seen platonic man-love. I've seen it so strong that the men in question refer to each other as their heterosexual life partner. Even that pair didn't gaze so longingly into each others eyes unless they were goofing off to make the homophobes around them uncomfortable. In the movies, it was just painfully overt that Sam wanted to catch what Frodo was pitching.

doliest

2009-09-12, 12:13 AM

Actually this sounds awesome, I mean we might get some really awesome stuff; we'd get some amazing action sequences and then we'd get some funny jokes all the while seeing some eye-candy...and thanks to Peter Jackson, even more Gollum.

lisiecki

2009-09-14, 01:31 AM

Lord of the Helms

2009-09-14, 03:59 AM

Coming from the original Hobbit thread, I'd say it'd basically be "like Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, but with more slow-mo-closeup-spins". Well, and Smaug would explode.

Ossian

2009-09-14, 06:53 AM

Slow, walking shot, heroes lined up against the sunset (all the warm palette displayed). Only, everyone but Gandalf is really short. And spot on curves (I guess cameos for token elven chicks in Mirkwood and at the battle of 5 armies are in order here). Also, some kind of clicheed feminist speech on strong willed badass women suddendly contradicted by said chick finding normality of her nerd boyfriend a big turn-on.

M.

kamikasei

2009-09-14, 06:59 AM

Slow, walking shot, heroes lined up against the sunset (all the warm palette displayed). Only, everyone but Gandalf is really short.

http://periannath.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/partybalance_500x400.jpg

Manga Shoggoth

2009-09-14, 08:11 AM

Bombur, Kili and Fili would all be transformed into 'comdey' ethnic stereotypes whose 'hilarious' antics would provide 'comic relief. At sunset.

In all fairness, Bombur was the comic relief in the original.

Ossian

2009-09-14, 11:13 AM

http://periannath.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/partybalance_500x400.jpg

A priceless motivational!

Flickerdart

2009-09-27, 10:54 AM

http://periannath.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/partybalance_500x400.jpg
And a Solar, don't forget.

Kobold-Bard

2009-09-27, 12:31 PM

I love this idea. Once the proper film has been released on DVD I demand that someone from this thread go to Youtube and make this film from clips, dialogue taken out of context and poorly planned voiceovers.

MY WILL BE DONE!!!

:smallbiggrin:

TheBST

2009-09-27, 03:23 PM

Firstly, the dwarves are replaced by kung-fu ex-strippers who are fighting to feed their childrens.

All characters have American accents. The shire is now called New Shireville and it's President is tired of these 'goddamn wizards FREEDOM thinking they FREEDOM own this FREEDOM country.'

Bilbo is a teenager who goes on the adventure with his Uncle Gandalf because his parents DON'T GET IT.

Gandalf has an iPhone, somehow.

Gollum's riddles? Screw that- KNIFE FIGHT.

Token black elf named D'elrond Inglewood. He is exasperated by your nonsense and portrayed by Jaimie Fox.

Theme Song is 'The Battle of Evermore' performed by Aerosmith and Mariah Carey.

DraPrime

2009-09-27, 07:37 PM

This movie would be great unintentional comedy.

MCerberus

2009-09-27, 09:20 PM

This movie would be great unintentional comedy.

I'd like to see it as well, as a double header with Lucasfilms ltd presents Call of C'thulu directed by Quinton Tarantino.

TheBST

2009-09-27, 09:29 PM

with Lucasfilms ltd presents Call of C'thulu directed by Quinton Tarantino.

DESCRIBE WHAT CTHULHU LOOKS LIKE

He-he's the green, sticky spawn of the stars

GO ON!

He-he cannot be described!

Does he look like a bitch?!

MCerberus

2009-09-27, 09:34 PM

DESCRIBE WHAT CTHULHU LOOKS LIKE

He-he's the green, sticky spawn of the stars

GO ON!

He-he cannot be described!

Does he look like a bitch?!

Only there would be 'family friendly' characters running around saying stupid things... trying the limits of your patience... slowly eroding the tiny shreds of your remaining sanity. By the death god's soap bubbles! this must be made!

Flarp

2009-09-27, 10:20 PM

Telonius

2009-09-28, 02:03 PM

What disturbs me most about this whole thing is something I learned on IMDB (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000881/)while looking up Bay's "work."

In Development:
...
"Untitled Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay Project"

Dear God. :smalleek:

thegurullamen

2009-09-28, 02:09 PM

I thank this thread for finding new and exciting ways to lower my faith in the general populace even further.

And do you know why?

Because the average movie-going human being would much prefer the parodies suggested in this thread to a faithful recreation of the events in the book.

It's because faithful adaptations of books tend to fail as movies. You can't capture most books on film because so much happens in them that can't be shown, only described. Like narration or internal monologues. Or dealing with very complex emotions that 3/4 of Hollywood can't portray accurately. Books aren't visual. (Unless you're Dashiell Hammett, but how many of us can say that?)

Obligatory examples: Dreamcatcher and Blade Runner.
The first half of Dreamcatcher pretty much Xeroxed every scene in the book and it all felt ephemeral and detached. Things felt like they were happening in a void because you couldn't get in the characters' heads. Especially the guy who indirectly killed himself over a toothpick chewing compulsion. They barely devoted any time to that important factoid so you as a viewer couldn't understand why he'd do something so stupid.

Blade Runner took DADOES and clipped away everything that wasn't visually central to the theme of the book and filled in the rest. Plot's sort of the same, characters are altered a lot but the spirit of the story's was not only preserved but enhanced. I don't think I'm alone when I say that we need more spiritual recreations than straight up ones.

Telonius

2009-09-28, 02:23 PM

I generally agree. If you're going try to faithfully re-create a book, don't try to do it in a movie. If you're going to do it at all, do it as a miniseries. Even that will leave gaping holes, but the results will generally be better.

averagejoe

2009-09-28, 02:28 PM

It's because faithful adaptations of books tend to fail as movies. You can't capture most books on film because so much happens in them that can't be shown, only described. Like narration or internal monologues. Or dealing with very complex emotions that 3/4 of Hollywood can't portray accurately. Books aren't visual. (Unless you're Dashiell Hammett, but how many of us can say that?)

Obligatory examples: Dreamcatcher and Blade Runner.
The first half of Dreamcatcher pretty much Xeroxed every scene in the book and it all felt ephemeral and detached. Things felt like they were happening in a void because you couldn't get in the characters' heads. Especially the guy who indirectly killed himself over a toothpick chewing compulsion. They barely devoted any time to that important factoid so you as a viewer couldn't understand why he'd do something so stupid.

Blade Runner took DADOES and clipped away everything that wasn't visually central to the theme of the book and filled in the rest. Plot's sort of the same, characters are altered a lot but the spirit of the story's was not only preserved but enhanced. I don't think I'm alone when I say that we need more spiritual recreations than straight up ones.

Hear hear! Just because most nerd fanbases are rabid and unpleasable doesn't mean that the rest of us have to suffer bad movies for the sake of pandering.