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Unscrewed
2009-09-12, 07:10 PM
I was wondering about what are some of the funniest and best lines you heard during a gaming session. My last group (a Genius: The Transgression chronicle) was full of great lines, so I manged to put some together for your enjoyment and hopefully to get people to share their own funny gaming moments.


Session 1

“What a team we make. A security guard, a crazy hobo, agent Mulder on LSD, and a former nazi.”
-Kyle (OOC), summarizing our party in a sentence


Session 2

"We're fighting rocket powered monkeys on lonely forest road, armed only with a shotgun and our WITS!"
–Kyle.

"I am as Prometheus, bound in chains for the sin of aiding men, and the eagles come now for the feasting upon of my deliciously livery liver. The eagles are also monkeys!"
-Alvin, hanging from a hook based flying machine while being attacked by flying rocket monkeys.

. "Good morning. You have all committed a number of crimes, including fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, impersonating a member of the military, breaking and entering, felony trespassing, and...a few more. On the other hand, I have four police officers who just went to bed after an extensive interview. Two say that they were attacked by 'birds and bears.' The other two say they were attacked by 'things that obviously weren't birds and bears, ma'am, they were ****ing robots, one of them ripped this guy up and there was a laser gun.’ I find myself in a difficult situation. Your...equipment is outside. I made the mistake of picking up some sort of gun. It sang the Polish national anthem and blew a hole in a vending machine. So, I would like all of you to explain things to me as if I were an idiot."
–Detective Gotti, Seattle Police Department


Session 3

“I dont think they will agree to having their faces cut off by an insane nazi.”
-Doktor Umlaut (OOC)

“Strauss, while Alvin plays with the ax, what are you doing?”
“Watching in horror, mostly.”
-Storyteller/Strauss’s Player

"I think I just broke reality. Or time. Or both.”
-Kyle

Session 4

"Shoot it with the shotgun, Detectivegotti my dear! We need more Dakka!"
"We need a machine gun if you want Dakka, Alvin!"
"You guys are dorks! And Kyle's right, only machine guns have dakka!"
"Every Ork knows that ALL guns have Dakka, Strauss."
-Alvin/Kyle/Strauss/Alvin

"Last chance to adopt a brain,"
"I wish I could, Detective Gotti, but God says no. It's an abomination against Zombie Jesus. Feast of Braaaaains, and all that. You know."
-Detective Gotti/Alvin
Note: We had just beat a killer floating brain, and the ST told Alvin's player he couldn't keep it.

The party is putting on some stupid-looking Jetson style flight suits
“Kshht. This is Red leader. Do you copy?"
“Kssht. You're making a fool of yourself. Do you copy?"
-Kyle/Alvin

"Didn't I say that Strauss would do this? I am as Cassandra as surely as I am Prometheus, bearing knowledge of the future yet unheeded, as surely as I once was attacked by rocket monkeys."
-Alvin blaming Strauss for the suicide of a sentient computer.

Session 5

-Kyle is going to wish he hadn't missed this.
-Yeah. Although I have to say, in character, I'm kind of glad I didn't just get a seventeen-year-old kid charged on breaking and entering and being an accessory to murder.
Alvin (OOC)/Strauss (OOC)

-"Out of curiousity, what's going to kill us? Being eaten by the lobsters, or will we drown first?"
-"Let's make a bet of it, Strauss. I bet that it'll be the lobsters. I bet you... five pesos!"
-"I bet we'll make it out."
Strauss/Alvin/Strauss


After a TPK wipes out the whole party except for the absent player
-Gotti is in good hands, then.
-Now that she's not in Alvin's, yeah, probably.
-Hey!
Alvin (OOC)/ Storyteller/Alvin(OOC)

Alright, so...what have we learned? Let's, er, grow from this. 1) Have back-up plans. 2) Don't expect mercy from Lemurians. 3) Don't charge entrenched machinegun positions.
-Storyteller

DueceEsMachine
2009-09-12, 07:20 PM
Here's what I've learned from your post.
1. I have never, ever heard of Genius: The Transgression before.
2. I want to play it so badly that it's not even funny. Rocket Monkeys. 'nuff said.

shadow_archmagi
2009-09-12, 07:25 PM
"We are totally the worst policemen ever"
-Said by a vigilante who was looting the town before the enemy arrived, to prevent the bandits from getting it.

"What? Do you think I'm somehow hiding the stolen half a hundred crossbows on my person, and I'm about to leap over a ten foot wall before zooming away on a magical pony that will appear at my command?"
-All of these things were true.

"I rule that your brief unconciousness was caused by a bird pooping on you"
"From orbit"
-The DM tries to explain why a character who briefly disconnected missed out on the whole conversation.

Unscrewed
2009-09-12, 07:48 PM
Here's what I've learned from your post.
1. I have never, ever heard of Genius: The Transgression before.
2. I want to play it so badly that it's not even funny. Rocket Monkeys. 'nuff said.

Here's (http://moochava.googlepages.com/genius) a link to the site. You can download the Rulebook there. Happy Wonder-working!

Yukitsu
2009-09-12, 08:15 PM
*In the astral, I had the most awkward conversation ever. Basically, it was revenge for all the vague answers the DM gives us on our divinations. (seriously, I only asked "where will we find the next plot hook" once. :smalltongue:)

Astral deva: Where are you going little girl?
Me: To hell
Astral deva: Why would you go there?
Me: To get out of hell.
Astral deva: Then why go to hell in the first place?
Me: Only way to get out of hell.
Astral deva: But you don't have to go there in the first place. Then you wouldn't have to get out of hell.
Me: It's the fastest way.
Astral deva: Fastest way to what?
Me: Get out of hell.
Atral deva: Where are you going from hell?
Me: Home.
Atral deva: Where is that?
Me: Past hell.
Astral deva: ... Hell's that way. Please don't ever come back here.

Grumman
2009-09-12, 08:25 PM
A few of mine from the first D&D campaign I played in:

"I guess we're looking for an inn that's used to dealing with foreigners."
"Right, slave pits it is."

"Just think of it as an I-O-U from God."
-on Scrolls of Miracle

Keld Denar
2009-09-12, 08:27 PM
From a game I'm in...

Ranold

Oh come on now, we all know its not about how many times you shoot, its about how well you make each of those shots count. As an expert marksman myself, I'm very well aware of this!

sofawall
2009-09-12, 08:30 PM
Me: "Hey, can I be a Beguiler?"
DM: "I thought you wanted to be a wizard?"
Me: "Yeah, a Beguiler Wizard."
DM: "What, multiclassing? Isn't that incredibly stupid?"
Me: "No, Beguiler the race."
DM: "... So you can have a Beguiler Beguiler?"
Me: "Yes."
DM: "They are running out of words!"

Kesnit
2009-09-12, 08:35 PM
In a Vampire: the Requiem game. I'm playing a female Malkavian who does not trust most members of the party. She does not realize she is insane, and thinks the things she can do with Dementate are either done with Dominate or are things any vampire can do.

The party has found a Spirit in their Haven. Thanks to Dementate, my character can see and talk to the Spirit, but no one else can. The Spirit claims to be afraid of the Mages in the area (who are calling Spirits and using them to build a ladder) and asks if there is somewhere he can anchor himself inside the Haven. Thinking to protect the Spirit from the rest of the party, I said:
"You can shackle yourself to my bedpost."

As we were finishing up for the night that same session, I asked IC what the rest of the party wanted me to talk to the Spirit about. One of the other PC's looks at me and says "I want you to suck him for everything he's got." She swears she did not realize what that sounded like until we all started laughing.

WeeFreeMen
2009-09-12, 08:53 PM
*Setting: The party is on a giant battlefield on one of the first wars of Rokugan. The tainted side mages are firing giant seige weapons which basically shoot out "Balls of Disintegration"

Myself a Warblade with a 1lv Samurai dip for Flavor (And Ancestral wep abuse :smalltongue: ) looked to my left at our other Samurai friend. He was basically the same build.

DM: The machine takes careful aim at the two greatest threats on the field.
Mike and Sebastian make a Reflex.
Both of us: "We Choose to Fail"
DM: ...Let me guess...Iron Heart Surge..
Both of us: *Smile*
DM: ...I hate you..

(Please note I do not endorse nor condone IHS abuse and its cheesy uses, but we just couldn't stop laughing at that point.)

Krimm_Blackleaf
2009-09-12, 09:33 PM
Playing Shadowrun, in the apartment of one of our players, whose husband(we'll call him Kettle) isn't taking part in the game and the only place we have to play is the living room where his giant TV-computer is. He is playing Fallout 3. The GM and our 'leader', who is a hard-ass sniper who had his entire body replaced with cyberware except his brain, are talking, the GM is playing the role of the guy that back-stabbed him years ago.

Sniper: "So... Looks like we meet again. This time I saw you coming and this time I'm ready."
GM: "Ready? You couldn't have possibly thought I came here unprepared. There's a surprise waiting for you outside, you'll either have to face it now or wait just one minute for it to come inside... and believe me, they won't be happy to see you."
Sniper: "I'm not afraid of your little games, I've taken everything else you've thrown at me with a smile."
GM: "Then it's time to wipe that smile from your ugly, metal face..."
Kettle: "I collect garden-gnomes."

We didn't stop laughing for about ten minutes, at the glorious destruction of the most real drama we've had in ages. We also spent most of the time laughing looking at his Fallout gnome collection.

Crowbar
2009-09-12, 09:38 PM
My Dragon Warriors group has spawned a whole bunch of fun quotes. One memorable adventure had them on a boat that was being attacked by a horde of kappa (coral men from under the sea, in this setting).

Me: "Pyros, you're looking over the side of the boat, what do you do?"
Pyros: "I don't know, you haven't told me what I see yet."
Me: "My bad. You see hundreds of humanoid creatures made of coral scaling the side of the ship."
Pyros: "Okay. I RUN THE **** AWAY!"

And from a character whose major contribution up 'till that point was hiding in a closet:

"I know I'm going to regret saying this, but have I come out of the closet yet?"

Khaeta
2009-09-12, 09:40 PM
Party cleric, the first time he'd played one: (called himself a "Celric")

Cleric: I turn undead!
DM: The undead flee from your holy wrath!

*later*
Cleric: Am I back to normal yet?

Serenade
2009-09-12, 09:57 PM
Don't hiss at me for the version, but this was in a 4e game.

I was playing a Tiefling Wizard (Who is, and will always remain, a bitch) with two other party members - A Dragonborn Warlord and a Dwarven Fighter.

There was a gnome that was bugging us, and hid in some bushes. We all figured out where the gnome was - and this cheeky little bastard had shaved off one too many hit points.

Me: Screw the magic missile. I run over and punch the gnome in the face.
-after everyone has stopped laughing-
DM: Alright, move, and then roll.
Me: Does a 17 hit AC?
DM: ... You cave in the gnome's face.

Volkov
2009-09-12, 10:01 PM
Evil level 50 Truenamer-Fools I posses the language of the gods, none can stop me, for my magic can bring nations to their knees, fell armies of dragons, crush hordes of demons, slay swarms of undead, flocks of devils, destroy cities, and..

level 48 Half-fiend, half-dragon kobold Sorcerer-Oh shut up already! casts finger of death, the truenamer fails his saving throw and dies

9mm
2009-09-12, 10:01 PM
...

https://php.radford.edu/~roleplay/quotes.php

I love college.

The Blackbird
2009-09-12, 10:06 PM
My gnome wizard Garl Marsh and a another gnome friend of his, Garaden, a warlock, were faking as slaves to take a look around this new weapon the antagonists invented. Eventually an official became suspecious and became questioning us, it ended up like this.

Enemy Official: Who is your owner?

Garl: Uh...uh...um...*Fails bluff check*

Enemy Official: *Looks behind at other officails nearby* I think we have a problem here.

Garaden: Damn stright you have a problem. *Eldritch Blasts the guy for a critical*.

aje8
2009-09-12, 10:10 PM
Ok so the DM decides to set a game in what he claimed to be the world of Dune. I cannot verify this as I have not read Dune. He says that, despite it being a modern setting, guns can't be used because they would start a nuclear chain reaction or some such. So it's basically normal Dnd.

I'm in the middle of rolling up a Crusader when one of the other PCs has a brilliant idea:

PC: Do Rocket Launchers require exotic weapon proficency?
DM: NO! You can't have a Rocket Launcher, even if they're not guns.
Other PCS including me: Burst out laughing

*5 minutes later*

Same PC: What about Flamethrowers?

Unscrewed
2009-09-12, 10:27 PM
More Genius: The Transgression craziness

Session 6

-Guess that name's [William Strauss] no good.
- why?
-He's dead.
-...anything that you guys need to tell me about last session?
Strauss(OOC)/Kyle (OOC)/Strauss(OOC)/ Kyle(OOC)

You're driving home in your brand-new Chrysler, getting stared at by the Washington Highway Patrol (though it's registered), a pile of equipment on the passenger seat beside you when you see, coming up fast, its high-beams on, a 1993 Ford Bronco, dove gray. It's being driven by a tyrannosaur that is also, apparently, a ghost, and it's coming up fast on this abandoned stretch of highway. What do you do?
-Storyteller
Note: Do I even need to tell you why I loved this game?

-You just rear-ended a ghost dinosaur.
Strauss (OOC) to Kyle

- Ahead, the T. Rex pulls his Ford truck off to the side of the road and gets out. So now there's a guy spewing pink sparks and a phantom tyrranosaur on the street. And people just KEEP DRIVING, because there are limits, even in Washington.
Storyteller

-“Why are Hollow Earth Nazis sending catgirls to kill me in the first place?”
Kyle

-"Who killed [Strauss]?"
-"Some guys working for Ogura. Ay and Bee. His killbunnies. And a bunch of frogmen. But the killbunnies were nicer to look at, really. Not much for frogmen. And they weren't really ~bunnies~, so it's not at all... You know... weird... But they did kill people. Strauss, fer example.” *Shrugs* “So. Where are we going now?"
Kyle/K, Impersonating Alvin (Same player played both characters anyway)

-"How good a shot are you?"
-"Completely terrible!"
K, impersonating Alvin/Richard Strauss

Session 7

-“Who will call Alice Gotti?"
-"I can't. I used my phone's battery for an experiment earlier, and it exploded. A little."
K/Richard Strauss

-"Hi Gotti, It's Kyle. Wanna save some orphaned children?"
-“Are any dead yet? I'm trying to be a homicide detective, kid."
Kyle/Gotti

-"After a few more minutes, you can see why. As the touristy parts of Seattle's underground fade away, you stand over a kind of ragged tent-city built on twisted, buckled metal, long since cooled. From your vantage-point at the top of rough metal stairs leading down you can see the old "Pits": all manner of Automata and Manes, creatures of every type and description, abandoned and forgotten Beholden, and stranger things, dressed in rags or crumbling finery. You see tattooed, metal-covered paper goblins, a 1930s Harley motorcycle with a Medusa's head a whole gaggle of things that are either shields or hubcaps, with four feet sticking out, scurrying around, even one of the Martian overlords, its gray matter throbbing, sitting on a dirty carpet in front of a crystal ball and some tarot cards."
-"I bet none of these people pay taxes."
Storyteller/Gotti

Preparing to charge around a small lake and storm the orphanage
-"You two stay the hell on your side. This needs to be like parents' marriage-bed, okay? PLENTY OF DISTANCE."
-"K would very much like it if you not force the image of that metaphor into her mind again. Richard and Kyle do not mix well."
Gotti/K

- Oh ****. I just burned orphans to death.
Richard Strauss (OOC)

-Come on. SAY IT. "The sociopathic face-stealer was right."
-No.
K(OOC)/Richard Strauss (OOC)

Alteran
2009-09-12, 10:48 PM
After we defeated an ambush, our DM realized he had forgotten to tell us something.

DM: Oh! Also, these guys were all squirrels!
Players: ... *burst out laughing*

Kudaku
2009-09-12, 10:59 PM
Alot of good stuff here, but seriously:


"Good morning. You have all committed a number of crimes, including fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, impersonating a member of the military, breaking and entering, felony trespassing, and...a few more. On the other hand, I have four police officers who just went to bed after an extensive interview. Two say that they were attacked by 'birds and bears.' The other two say they were attacked by 'things that obviously weren't birds and bears, ma'am, they were ****ing robots, one of them ripped this guy up and there was a laser gun.’ I find myself in a difficult situation. Your...equipment is outside. I made the mistake of picking up some sort of gun. It sang the Polish national anthem and blew a hole in a vending machine. So, I would like all of you to explain things to me as if I were an idiot."
–Detective Gotti, Seattle Police Department


Think that one requires some background story :smallbiggrin:.

Katana_Geldar
2009-09-12, 11:00 PM
(Choosing a sub to leave an underwater city)
Player 1: Let's take that blue one.
Player 2: I like the red one.
GM: Guys, there's a yellow one here that will fit all of us.
Player 1: A yellow submarine!

Unscrewed
2009-09-12, 11:36 PM
Think that one requires some background story :smallbiggrin:.

The whole quote? Or just the bit you bolded?

Ravens_cry
2009-09-12, 11:42 PM
OOC 'I activate Smite Evil on. . .him'
IC"Burn in the Wrath of Sarenrae, heathen dog!"
*roll 1*

Glyde
2009-09-12, 11:59 PM
"It's a flute! How dangerous can he be with a flute?"
-- One of our newer players, who didn't know just how vile our DM could be. It was a satyr who liked charming people into fighting each other.

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-09-13, 01:50 AM
These are from about a half-hour ago; it's the first session of our Call of Cthulhu game, and I'm playing a Catholic chaplain with a...somewhat checkered past who's taking time off from active duty to help with my friend's (another PC's) demolitions company.

********

We're checking out part of the building we're scheduled to demolish and the boss, the private investigator, and I are trapped in a pitch-black room with something moving around in it.
GM: You hear a scraping sound, as if something is moving slowly along the ground...closer...closer...closer....
Boss: I move my flashlight to my right hand, pull out my cell phone, and tell the rest of the crew to get up here and get us out now!
PI: I draw my revolver and move to cover the Boss.
Me: *look at the GM, waggle eyebrows* I put down my suitcase and start unpacking it.
PI: What the **** are you doing? You gonna "priestly vestments" this thing to death?
Me: *shakes head, looks at GM*
GM: You see Father Whitestone place his large suitcase down beside you and flip the top open. He moves aside his Bible and robes to reveal what appear to be...weapon parts.
Others: :smalleek:
GM: After a few seconds of work, Father, ahem, Lieutenant Whitestone has assembled a Springfield bolt-action sniper rifle--
Me: --with laser sight and night-vision scope--
GM: --with sight and scope.
Others: :eek:
*other players, whose PCs aren't present, stare at me for a few seconds*
Demo Man: You...you have a frigging sniper rifle? What kind of chaplain are you? I can understand a revolver or something, but...?
Me: Hey, my god is a very personal, somewhat distant god. Like, one bullet, 200 yards distant.

********

After we discover what the creepy creature is (a mummy-ish thing) because it's dropped the Boss and the PI unconscious with its axe, the others manage to get the door open just in time to see me standing over the Boss, the PI, and the corpse with my sniper rifle out.
Demo Man: Uhh....
Me: Do not be alarmed, my son. This...isn't what it looks like.
Demo Man: Then what the hell happened!?
Me: We were attacked by one of the undead. A mummy, to be precise
Demo Man: A...mummy. Right.
Me: Trust me.
Demo Man: You know mummies don't exist, right? You really expect me to believe that some sort of...of undead attacked you?
Me: Yes. Like I said, I could tell what it was.
Demo Man: What the **** do you know about things coming back to life!?
Me: Um, I'm a Christian priest? Knowing about things coming back to life is kind of in the job description, you know.

********

Other quotes of mine, which work just fine without much context.

In a pointed discussion after bringing the Boss and PI to the hospital:
"Yes, I actually am a man of the cloth. The fact that that cloth happens to be Kevlar-reinforced doesn't change that fact."

Earlier, when the PI breaks his lockpicks and they all discover I have a set as well:
"What's so surprising? We're seeking entrance to this room. Matthew 7:7--Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. You'll note that the 'seek' part comes before the 'knock' part."

When the PI swears to convert to Catholicism due to my actions:
"My pleasure. I'm mostly concerned with saving souls, but I'm always happy to take care of the bodies they're carrying along."

********

This is the first CoC campaign I've played in, and it's shaping up to be awesome. :smallbiggrin:

VKO
2009-09-13, 05:20 AM
This one isn't mine, but it's infamous amongst the local gamers, especially Warhammer Fantasy Players:

"So I was fighting this daemon and he cast a spell on me. I made my will save. My character ONLY exploded and instantly died."

Roc Ness
2009-09-13, 06:56 AM
Freeform with a few friends, cos' that's all I've ever played.

Narrator: You hear a knock on the door
Friend: I open it.
Narrator: Its the BBEG. He's gonna kill you
Friend: Slam the door in his face, then yell "DAM DOOR TO DOOR SALESMEN"

We cracked.

DeafnotDumb
2009-09-13, 08:43 AM
Quotes from characters in my DnD games:

Kindle (Cowardly ex-criminal turned Watchkobold): "Oh, great. I get to meet more people wanting to poke pointy metal sticks into me."

Kindle: "There are two important attributes a coward must have, the athletic and the academic. The former can round a corner and be on the safe side of a wall within three seconds, and the latter knows exactly when to do this."

Kindle: "I'm a sneaky, untrustworth, lying bugger. You're just a talented amateur."


Ungar(after having saved a teammate's life):"don't die yet! I haven't had a chance to kill you myself!"

AslanCross
2009-09-13, 10:06 AM
Holden Magroen: Dwarf Crusader of the Silver Flame
Lyka: Holden's oppressed Shifter subordinate.

They were in Brindol (Red Hand of Doom) and just met Miha Serani.

Miha: I am interested in joining your party, although...my injuries prevent me from doing so right now.
Holden: *ahem* Well...
Lyka: <pretends to write> Dear Mrs. Magroen, your husband has encountered certain distractions...
Holden: WHAT?
Lyka: ...he seems to be attracted to a certain redhead we encountered...
Holden: TALL WOMEN DO NOT TURN ME ON!
Lyka: ...I suggest you look into this matter immediately...
Holden: DROP! GIVE ME THREE HUNDRED PUSH UPS! <Holden sits on her back to make it more difficult> And three hundred pounds to lift!
Lyka: I don't think your wife would approve of the close contact you are giving me, sir.
Holden: ...FIFTY MORE!


<later, after Holden got attacked by a ghost dire lion and got strength-drained in the process>

Lyka Look, sir, the push ups seem to have paid off.
Holden If you hadn't saved my life against the Behir I would so throttle you right now.


These are from about a half-hour ago; it's the first session of our Call of Cthulhu game, and I'm playing a Catholic chaplain with a...somewhat checkered past who's taking time off from active duty to help with my friend's (another PC's) demolitions company.

********

We're checking out part of the building we're scheduled to demolish and the boss, the private investigator, and I are trapped in a pitch-black room with something moving around in it.
GM: You hear a scraping sound, as if something is moving slowly along the ground...closer...closer...closer....
Boss: I move my flashlight to my right hand, pull out my cell phone, and tell the rest of the crew to get up here and get us out now!
PI: I draw my revolver and move to cover the Boss.
Me: *look at the GM, waggle eyebrows* I put down my suitcase and start unpacking it.
PI: What the **** are you doing? You gonna "priestly vestments" this thing to death?
Me: *shakes head, looks at GM*
GM: You see Father Whitestone place his large suitcase down beside you and flip the top open. He moves aside his Bible and robes to reveal what appear to be...weapon parts.
Others: :smalleek:
GM: After a few seconds of work, Father, ahem, Lieutenant Whitestone has assembled a Springfield bolt-action sniper rifle--
Me: --with laser sight and night-vision scope--
GM: --with sight and scope.
Others: :eek:
*other players, whose PCs aren't present, stare at me for a few seconds*
Demo Man: You...you have a frigging sniper rifle? What kind of chaplain are you? I can understand a revolver or something, but...?
Me: Hey, my god is a very personal, somewhat distant god. Like, one bullet, 200 yards distant.

********

After we discover what the creepy creature is (a mummy-ish thing) because it's dropped the Boss and the PI unconscious with its axe, the others manage to get the door open just in time to see me standing over the Boss, the PI, and the corpse with my sniper rifle out.
Demo Man: Uhh....
Me: Do not be alarmed, my son. This...isn't what it looks like.
Demo Man: Then what the hell happened!?
Me: We were attacked by one of the undead. A mummy, to be precise
Demo Man: A...mummy. Right.
Me: Trust me.
Demo Man: You know mummies don't exist, right? You really expect me to believe that some sort of...of undead attacked you?
Me: Yes. Like I said, I could tell what it was.
Demo Man: What the **** do you know about things coming back to life!?
Me: Um, I'm a Christian priest? Knowing about things coming back to life is kind of in the job description, you know.

********

Other quotes of mine, which work just fine without much context.

In a pointed discussion after bringing the Boss and PI to the hospital:
"Yes, I actually am a man of the cloth. The fact that that cloth happens to be Kevlar-reinforced doesn't change that fact."

Earlier, when the PI breaks his lockpicks and they all discover I have a set as well:
"What's so surprising? We're seeking entrance to this room. Matthew 7:7--Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. You'll note that the 'seek' part comes before the 'knock' part."

When the PI swears to convert to Catholicism due to my actions:
"My pleasure. I'm mostly concerned with saving souls, but I'm always happy to take care of the bodies they're carrying along."

********

This is the first CoC campaign I've played in, and it's shaping up to be awesome. :smallbiggrin:

Sir, those lines are fantastic.

Arakune
2009-09-13, 10:17 AM
awesome!

That had to be the coolest priest EVER!

Kudaku
2009-09-13, 11:37 AM
The whole quote? Or just the bit you bolded?

I was originally just wondering about the polish patriot-gun, but feel free to type up the whole thing if you want to - I sense a damn funny story :smallbiggrin:

Rhiannon87
2009-09-13, 12:05 PM
I've been maintaining an online quotebook for years... here are some of the highlights, from three different games over the course of about four years now...

"Can you turn into a chair?" - Hvall (human fighter) to Carawyn (gnome druid, in owl form)
"No, a chair's not alive." - Carawyn
"What about a chair made of bones?"
"No, that'd be, like, kind of undead."
"What about a chair made of meat?"
"That's not alive. I have to turn into something alive."
"What about a chair made of owls?"
"I have invisibility, you know." - Simarwyn (elf wizard)
"Can that turn her into a chair?" - Hvall

“Anthon has decided that groping is an appropriate way of delivering healing spells.” - Maureen
“Hmm. Apparently the procedure has changed.” - Hvall

“My mother used to tell me stories about a spirit that lived in the woods and ate naughty children.” - Irena (NPC in Expedition to Castle Ravenloft)
“Do you know what it looked like?” - Alvera
“She said it was too terrible to see, and that's why it lived under beds.” - Irena

“I have no home. Where else am I supposed to go?” - Lumieras
“Not Barovia!!!” - Kamorrison, Owen, and Alvera

"Lookin' out for the honor. That's what the boss is doing." - Roofus (dwarven fighter)
"That doesn't even make sense!" - Runge (dwarven fighter & Roofus's twin brother)
*long, long pause* "You're right." - Roofus

"We should approach with caution. We can't assume it's something friendly that we can hug." - Alvera (mostly to Amy, the party's crazy & naive wizard)

"Do you know how to kill a vampire?" - Owen
"Yeah, you throw adventurers at it until it's dead." - Ismark

"This is just like the week Roofus decided he wanted to be a gnome." - Runge
"They have excellent hats!!!" - Roofus

"We found a door." - Foster
"Is it locked?" - Owen
"...It's not that sophisticated." - Foster

"Amy, I'm going back home to kill my father. Fun is not high on the list of priorities. Functionality is." - Alvera
"But maybe we should put the fun back in functionality." - Amy

"They don't know the speed of light." - Player, OOC
"Gnomes do. And they have come closer to it than any other race in the known universe. Using nothing but explosives. And possibly springs." - DM, OOC

"Can we get the second half of the payment?" - Roofus
"No. But we can get the first and second half of the mayor." - Runge

--

That's less than a quarter of the available quotes. We are, apparently, hilarious.

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-09-13, 12:33 PM
That had to be the coolest priest EVER!

Has to be, current tense. :smallbiggrin: Like I said, it's the first session, and this should be going on through the first semester, so I'll definitely have some more lines to put up.

Kallisti
2009-09-13, 12:55 PM
Last night, we had an impromptu session of a semi-freefoprm game we'd been discussing, and it was...weird but awesome. And I have a lot of good lines. Especially since these were, yes, in-character.

Lee: We need to ration our cookies.

Lee: GODDAMNIT! The zombies have our cookies!

Mr. O'neill: Now get oot of me office, oor I'll start throwin' golden things at ye!

Lee: So what was behind that door?
Arlan: Raptors!
Lee: Guys, we need to find some cowboys!
Warren: Why?
Lee: To tame and ride the raptors.

Arlan: The name plate reads "Lucifer?" I key-scratch a cross on it...

God: Do you like Pink Floyd?
Lee: Yes. Why?
God [whispered]: It's important...

God: Do you...still have any cookies?
Kass: No, I'm sorry. I had to hit the zombies with my cookie tin. I'd give you a cookie if I could...
God: Okay...

God: I hear 2009 is nice this time of year...

Lee: How do the jumpboxes work?
God: To understand that, you'd need to understand non-Euclidean mathmatics and think in seventeen dimensions.
Arlan: Where does one go to learn?
Lee: Cthulhu.
God: The moooooooooon. It's pretty there...

Kass: Are people, like, addicted to these boxes?
God: No! No. ...they're fun...

Kass: Do the Watchers stop you from doing things?
God: No. I have a good credit score...

God: Life is a game. Did you know that? And games have rules. Did you know that? The boxes have three rules. 1: Life and death are no consequence. 2: You can't take it with you. 3: Rules were made to be broken.
Lee: So we could break the first two rules?
God: And the third one, yes.
Kass: I think I just sprained my brain...

God: [quotes Eclipse by Pink Floyd, grins like an idiot] I told you it was important...

Dixieboy
2009-09-13, 12:57 PM
God?! (Damn character limits)

NorseItalian
2009-09-13, 01:11 PM
some stuff

...Can I join your group?

Cespenar
2009-09-13, 01:49 PM
Okay, this was from one of the earliest games I've played with some of my friends. All three players were assassins and needed to discuss how we were going to go with an assassination job.

***
The door to the inn opens, and three demeaning figures with long black robes enter. They silently move on to a table. After sitting down, they look around and at each other. One of them revolves in his seat to face the innkeeper.

Assassin #1: Innkeeper, bread and milk for three!

And we cracked, of course.

Unscrewed
2009-09-13, 04:53 PM
I was originally just wondering about the polish patriot-gun, but feel free to type up the whole thing if you want to - I sense a damn funny story :smallbiggrin:

Well, it began with the first session when Alvin (the crazy hobo guy) managed to convince the cops investigating a murder case that the party was DMPA agents, despite the fact he was dressed like hobo, he didn't have any sort of ID (real or fake) to prove his claims, and he didn't even know what the DMPA actually was or that it even existed. I'm still not certain how he did that.

Well, this ruse lasted until the end of the second session, when the group saved both the murders next target and several cops from a bunch of rocket monkeys and a trash monster. Most the the group was badly hurt, so we were put in the hospital and our Wonders (Mad Science devices) were put in a bin. When Wonders are fiddled with by normal people it triggers Havoc, causing the Wonder to break, rampage out of control, or just generally cause chaos.

This is why when Detective Gotti picked up the ray gun, it started singing polish and blowing things up. As Havoc results go, it wasn't all that unusual. After that fiasco she decides to confront us, resulting in the quote.

Thatguyoverther
2009-09-13, 06:02 PM
The best one I've been a part of was in a serious campaign.

It was Hero System and we're playing as a team of Superheroes. Some small time thugs have decided to knock over a liquor store when the cops show up and take hostages.

One of the players bursts in to the store (Just for reference the character's name is Paladin if that gives you any idea of the characters moral outlook.) and takes aim at one of the hostage takers. The man has a woman covered with a gun and will shoot if fired on so they make opposing checks to see if the player can shoot the man before he pulls the trigger. He wins, and gets to shoot first. Unfortunately he critically fails the roll and shoots the hostage on accident.

The character proceeds to yell, "Surrender or I'll shoot another hostage!"

MountainKing
2010-03-29, 03:10 PM
Last week I held the first session of a new D&D game, whereupon it was discovered that Brian (who plays the barbarian known only as Kraylor of the North) is in fact wonderful and hilarious to have in the game.

Kraylor: After six hours of trekking through this majestic forest, Kraylor of the North... shall find a suitable tree and relieve himself.
DM (Me): ...roll a Reflex save.
Kraylor OOC: I got a six.
DM: It seems that mighty Kraylor can wrestle bears, but can't avoid passing water on his boots.

(Upon hearing that a ruined temple to Bahamut is uninhabited)
Kraylor: Pah! Uninhabited...

Horrifying monsters bust in, and turns out they've pretty much slaughtered the town during the secret meeting, so the party flees out into the streets, then out towards the way out of town in the general direction of "Away". As the party runs, two things happen:

1.) Kraylor repeatedly grumbles, "Uninhabited..., making him out to be the most cynical barbarian I've ever seen.
2.) The party's Dragon Shaman (a draconic human named Fuegan, played by Rob) fails a DC 10 spot check to notice that the entire town appears to be burning to the ground around them as they flee. His defense?

Fuegan: Look, I'm the only one of us who can see in the dark, so excuse me for being so BUSY leading you idiots that I didn't notice that the town may or may not be burning to the ground.
Kraylor: ...
Willa (halfing scout/ranger with a riding dog): What the Hell dude? The town is on fire! We can see just fine!
Fuegan: ...shut up... *mumbles* hated that town anyway... (this is the same town that locked Fuegan in prison for murdering a paladin of Bahamut in public...)

Greenish
2010-03-29, 03:45 PM
The door to the inn opens, and three demeaning figures with long black robes enter. They silently move on to a table. After sitting down, they look around and at each other. One of them revolves in his seat to face the innkeeper.

Assassin #1: Innkeeper, bread and milk for three!

And we cracked, of course.That's pretty hilarious, but I don't think "demean" means what you think it means.

Last Laugh
2010-03-29, 04:53 PM
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Fixed it for you

Critical
2010-03-29, 04:58 PM
D&D 3.5, Forgotten Realms, I'm playing a Halfling Barbarian. Our party's wizard was drained of his charisma and Intelligence by some magic-eating thing. At the graveyard. And ICly our Wizard has developed a crush for our sorcereress. So here's what happens after he gets his Int and Cha reduced to 1.

(Still Battling)
Wizard:I take off all my stuff and go naked.
(Combat Finished)
Wizard:I run at the sorceress and grapple her!
(Success on the grapple)
Wizard:I lay her on the ground and start doing it!
Me:I, like an ancient man, describe what I see, on the sand.
Wizard:So was the kamasutra invented! :smalltongue:

Later on, we have him knocked out and tied up, him still being naked, we bring him to the near by Kelevmor's temple. They patch him up, our Wizard asks, how long is his male dignity. So, we quickly houseruled the system on this, he rolls 4d6b3+Con+Cha, other male members of the party do the same, me taking the -4 due to size, ending up the same size as wizard. Our lycanthrope got a very low roll and decided to RP being shy about it. But it wasn't finished there!

Lycanthrope player acts shyly, gasping and all that stuff.
Me:I rage, take off my pants and say: "Haha, smaller than a Halfling's!"
Wizard:"And now I adventure with these morons!" :smallbiggrin:

We cracked.

Dr.Epic
2010-03-29, 05:00 PM
Grimjaw the Bard to a group of charging fighters:

Grimjaw: Did you hear about the man who lost the entire left side of his body? He's all-right. *casts Tasha's Hideous Laughter*

Mauther
2010-03-29, 05:03 PM
"We're highly trained professionals!" - screamed whenever a plan goes horribly, horribly wrong

Crosswinds
2010-03-29, 05:19 PM
We can always tell when the DM has nothing planned...

These all come from an Anima: Beyond Fantasy campaign.

DM: As you reach the end of the dungeon, you see a normal human guarding the exit. As you get closer, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a strange sphere. Before you know it, a giant flaming lizard is standing in front of...

Me: We're fighting a Pokemon Trainer, really?

DM: Yeah, roll initiative.

Or:

DM: Remind me again, what disadvantages did you guys take?

Assassin: Unattractive and Addiction to Money

Psychic Wizard: Addiction to Women and Deep Sleeper

Warrior: Exclusive Weapon: Greataxe and Bad Luck

Wizard (Me): Severe Phobia of Unicorns, Severe Allergy to Chicken Feathers, and Vulnerability to Cold.

DM: Uhh...you see a group of rich women with armor made out of chicken feathers riding Unicorns made out of ice coming towards you.

Players: *Facepalm*

Nidogg
2010-03-29, 05:31 PM
In a game I was Dm ing.

Archivist: " I must study this library!!!"
Librarian on the door "5gp entrance fee"
Rouge with a greataxe(OOC) "I CUT HIS FACE OFF!!!!"
Me "You do know your on MECHANUS. Home to the mechanical death thingys...."
Rouge, "Yeah good point."
Me "So..."
Rouge " I CUT HIS FACE OFF!!!"
And so followed the battle of the mechanus involving the minotaur paladin being enlarged and cleaving buildings in two, and three giant sharks being summoned to just drop on the crowds.

Yukitsu
2010-03-29, 05:42 PM
DM: Why is your paladin casting 9th level clerical spells?
P1: Because [yukitsu] made it for me.
DM: Fair enough.

P1: Why has that enemy survived several thousand points of damage on a failed reflex save?
DM: Because [yukitsu] made it for me.
P1: Traitor!

Me: You know, paladins only have to be lawful good. There is nothing that says they have to worship anything at all, or that they couldn't worship Asmodeous.
P1: That's gonna be my next character. 0 knowledge religion, a really old bible and an int of 5 here I come.
DM: *facepalm*

DM: Congratulations. Even though you have a will save of -3, and are the only one who fell to all 7 of the deadly sin temptations, you're the only one who has an alignment of good.
Me: Yay?

DM: Stop minmaxing damnit.
Me: No. Every time I stop we get a TPK.
DM: Exactly!

DM: My philosophy as a DM is that there is one road, and on one side, an impenitrable forest, and on the other an impassible mountain range.
Me: That's funny, because our philosophy has always been "Impassable? That sounds like a challenge!"
P2: Sometimes we might get around to easy things like roads when we finish the forest and mountains.

Me: Let's see. We've burnt down his farm, stolen all of his sheep, beat his army in a war that had nothing to do with us, killed his mob of specially trained me hunting assassins sent and specifically bred to kill me, and what finally sets him off, is sending [P3] to talk to him.
P3: I've just got a nack for that kind of thing.

P3: Welp, I've got 3 rounds before I bleed out and not a cleric in sight.
Me: Well, I'm not exactly a healer but... I polymorph him into a wombat.
P3: OK, that saves me, but why did it have to be a wombat?
Me: It didn't have to be. I could have made you into a nematoad.
P3: You suck.
Me: Your assassin sucked.

DM: Are you a citizen of the union?
P4: No.
DM: Then the librarian not only doesn't help you, he doesn't let you in the library.
P4: I threaten him with my axe. *intimidate some number*
DM: Do you [yukitsu] have the character sheet for that librarian?
Me: No, you never got me to make one, but he is a level 11 wizard lich.
P4: I fail?
DM: Yes.

DM: Are you a citizen of the union?
P4: No.
DM: Then the guard doesn't let you into the classified research room for dangerous new weapons while they are fighting a war against your nation.
Me: Hell, I'm the chief of police in the union, and even I couldn't get in there.
P4: I intimidate the guard?
DM: For your sake, we're going to pretend this ugly little conversation never happened.

SilverStar
2010-03-29, 06:19 PM
In our long running epic campaign, one of the PCs (mine, becayse she was an NPC in this episode due to the fact that we shift DMs in this long, long adventure) got kidnapped by an uber rakshasa and taken to the fifth layer of Hell. Her familiar, Hairball the cat, was the only witness, and he made his way back to the home of the other wizard in the group.

This guy has an earring which allows him to understand the utterances of any living creature, so Hairball meowed out what he knew.

The group made their way into Hell with their kitty guide, getting into a few fights on the way. They discover that there is to be an auction, with a rather interesting offering...

"What does an archmage go for these days??" asks the duskblade.

The wizard, who's not only a lich but an epic level ultimate magus, shrugs and splits off from the group when they get themselves captured and tossed in a highly-secured jail.

Impersonating one of those actually invited, he sits until the rakshasa confirms that he does indeed have a lady mage for sale.

He uses Shapechange to turn into a small vermin-type creature, snuck into the walled chamber where she was being held, and got rid of the headband of idiocy that kept her from blowing the entire place to kingdom come. He then leaves her to recuperate for a moment, leaves the room, and shows himself for who he truly was.

The participants were all like "who the hell are you and what are you doing here?!"

They move in to attack him, en masse.

His response? An uber-heightened Wail of the Banshee spell.

It dropped all but three of them. :smalleek:

After getting rid of the two undead ones, the female wizard stumbles out to find them locked in a battle...so she points, aims, and fires her signature spell (Polar Ray, with...modifications).

When they reunited with the rest of the group, who took forever to get out of the prison, they asked how he
s freed her.

His answer?

"Oh, I gave them an offer to die for."

Kuma Kode
2010-03-29, 06:32 PM
Quotes from my d20 Future campaign.

The Cast
Drax: Ixtl (reptilian aliens) mutant, who looks a lot like a dragon. Tough hero.
Dr. Prof. Gune: Small, roswell-like grey alien. Smart/Charismatic hero.
E'nok'ka: Synthetic bioreplica human robot. Fast hero.
Mi: Human sniper. Fast hero.
Gilliam: Asuran (weasel-like aliens) biodroid. Smart hero.
Keassa: Asuran doctor. Dedicated hero.
Brett: NPC engineer. Smart hero.

[The party is in the kitchen, and Mi mis-speaks the word 'cabinet.']
Mi: “I open up the covenant.”
DM: “You hungry for a miracle?”

Ongoing joke...
“A robot, a dragon and a dude walk into a bar…”

Drax, upon critically failing a spot check while flying: “Ok, I don’t see the ground.”

Mi, to Drax, upon learning of the dragon's multitude of mutant drawbacks, including poisonous blood, blood hunger, and neutrad dependency: “We all have our problems.”

“So a robot, a dragon and dude walk into my shop…”

[Mi's nonsequitur]
Lonnie: “So anything going on?”
E'nok'ka: “We’re going to the asteroids with miners to look for work.”
Mi: “I like scraps.”

E'nok'ka: “This conversation doesn’t have a point, does it?”
Drax: “No.”
E'nok'ka (to Ivan): “This has no point.”

Mi, being funny: “So this one time, I blew up an ice chunk, and France surrendered.”

[Map label confusion.]
Mi: “Ok then, let’s go to the genealogy lab.”
E'nok'ka: “Genetics even.”
DM: “We are going to find out who your ancestors are, whether you like it or not.”

The party also managed to capture a gun drone and reprogram it in their favor. They then named it Jesus (their personal Jesus) and had it fight for them. Which gave rise to quite a few quotes...
"Jesus shoots, he scores!"
“You’re a confederate! How do we know? Jesus doesn’t like you!”
“Jesus Kills. And France Surrenders.”

Drax: “I’m pretty gracious for a big guy.”
DM: “You mean graceful?”
Drax: “...Yeah.”

Drax, about whether or not the scientists in the hills are hostile: “A bunch of nerds arguing about nerd things.”

E'nok'ka, on rolling a natural 20 on a diplomacy check: “I am so diplomatic it hurts.”

[About looking in all the boxes of a cargo hold]
DM: “You can’t be like, ‘we’re going to analyze everything!’”
E'nok'ka: “It’s like Christmas!”

Mi: “So we’re on the plane right?”
DM: “No.”
Mi: “Spaceship?”
Everyone else: “...”

[About a junker space station]
DM: “It doesn’t have weapons.”
Drax: “We should take it over.”

[Discussing poisonous bites]
Drax: “Where is my venom injector suppository?”
E'nok'ka: “...I think that’s the wrong word...”
Drax: “I think you’re right...”

Mi, investigating: “I am looking for anyone crimey.”

Drax, on hearing strange snorting: “Battle pig?”

Gune, lamenting the time required for research: “Can I just make a glance attack?”

Drax: “Look for some people who are walking around him in a geographic shape…”
DM: “You mean geometric?”
Drax: “…Yeah.”
DM: “That looks like Rhode Island!”

[When Brett repeatedly falls in the woods accompanied only by Jesus]
Drax: “If a man falls in the woods and there is no one there to hear him, does he still make a sound?”
DM: “Only Jesus knows.”

[After explaining that the ice moon's core is heated by gravitational sheering caused by its eccentric orbit of the gas giant, which causes methane in the core to melt and break through the surface as geysers, which then cools and the methane falls to the surface and refreezes, thereby renewing the ice layer and causing the moon to be unusually smooth.]
DM: “This is real pseudoscience!”

E'nok'ka: “I am ALWAYS expecting space monsters!”

[Radio Confusion]
Drax: “We’ll talk when all this is over, over.”
Brett: “Is that over over? Or over, over? Over.”
Drax: “Over, over.”

If Drax ever got a cloaking device: “Crouching Sniper, Hidden Dragon.”

[The party observes a battle between the Confederates who just arrested them and the Asurans with whom the Confederates are at war]
Gilliam: “Good side and Bad side.”
E'nok'ka: “We don’t like either one.”
Drax: “Dark side and the **** side.”

E'nok'ka, about a wierd beeping when Drax is scanned in the medical bay: “It’s the WTF light.”

Gilliam, when Unity, a sinister Artificial Intelligence, infects the base's systems: [total deadpan] “Oh wait, it looks like all your systems are crashing. I’m pretty sure we’re all going to start dying.”

[During a scene in which the space station's artificial gravity had shut off, and the entire group had latched onto the robot with magnetic feet to keep from floating everywhere, a formation they referred to as the "zero-gravity train."]
E'nok'ka: “I could go outside. Heh. As long as I don’t forget you guys.”
Gilliam: “Then it becomes a death train with a bunch of people holding on for dear rigor mortis.”

Unity, when Keassa triggers an automated turret: "Surprise!"

Unity, when E'nok'ka pulls out an EMP gun: “What is that?”
E'nok'ka: “A surprise.”

[Talking about the Kanamit, a psychic, mind-controlling alien, on Laizo.]
Drax: "It's probably still stuck in the desert somewhere."
E'nok'ka: "It's probably the president by now."
DM: “Kanamit for president! Why choose the lesser evil?”

RandomNPC
2010-03-29, 06:51 PM
There was a monk, with light cast on his pants, because that was all he had. While fighting a dragon, that he didn't know had darkvision, he says "I take of my pants and fight the dragon!"

Then there was the time they were discussing the "layability" of the paladins contact in the guard. It came down the the dread pirate yelling "Celebacy is no match for a natural twenty!"

then there was a twenty minuet in character discusson between a year old warforged who vowed to defend people untill he died defending someone, and a VoP monk who doesn't 'seek' becoming a martyr, but is ok with the idea. It was interesting. an example:
VoP: So what do you do?
WF: Protect those who can not do it themselves.
V: So do I
W: but you have no weapons and armor.
V: I've taken holy vows that protect me, and aid others around me.
W: So you're a preist?
V: Monk
W: but holy vows, gods tie in to things that are holy, why would you take holy vows and not be a preist?

and so on....

Ravens_cry
2010-03-29, 06:58 PM
The party had been apart a year in game time. I had been, somewhat justifiably, a bit hardass on the rogue in the tiem we had been together.
Greedy Rogue: Here's my leash back.
Snarky Paladin: What's your safety word (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safeword)?
***
*Cue room shaking laughter*
No one expected me to say that. In fact, it's still sometimes talked about.