Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied

[The Dark Fiddler]

Hello, and welcome to the Second Crack Pairings thread. If you haven't read the first one yet, you can do so here. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=111631)

Or, if you don't wish to read through all 49 pages, here's the short version: we have a roller and some tables. You roll a pairing, and maybe a plot device, then you write it, draw it, act it out, interpretive dance it, whatever! Apparently we like this sort of thing.

Please remember to keep it clean, folks! The board rules still apply!

When posting a pairing, please at least try to do something with it. We like it when people try!

Should you wish to roll a pairing, Sgeo coded up a roller for us. (http://sgeo.diagonalfish.net/crack_pairings.htm) If you want that personal touch, go roll on the tables, or make up your own pairing!

Banners!

Text:
http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/banner.png

Zanaril's
http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannervxmiko.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannerhinjoxdaigo.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannervxzzdtri.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannerundeadvxxykon.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannerxykonxv.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannerdurkonxlien.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannervxrc.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/bannerlizardxbw.png

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/vxsplicedkyrie.png


Funky Goose's

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image3655.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/a.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path4391.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path2451-1.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Crack.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image3600.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Intermission.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Crackroy.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2786.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/CrackBanner.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/rect2384.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2830.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/g4008.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path3985.png

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image4372.png


Discord's

http://i697.photobucket.com/albums/vv331/Discordd/OotS/VaH-banner.png

http://i697.photobucket.com/albums/vv331/Discordd/OotS/VaH-banner-light.png

http://i697.photobucket.com/albums/vv331/Discordd/OotS/mavcosplaybanner.png

Saeyan
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2856.png

rangermania
http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s173/rangermania/crackp_DurnKub.jpg

Trixie
http://www.imageboo.com/files/95079bzojhkvu1pstjgl.png

MReav
http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg192/Cherpet/Avatar/VCPSArtist.png

http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg192/Cherpet/Mini-MikoxRedcloak.png

half-halfling
http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/banner.png

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/ban2.png


Tables!

Initial Table
Roll 2d6 (or more!) decide which tables to pick the characters from.

OotS Table 1
OotS Table 2
OotS Table 3
OotS Table 4
Minion List
Dead Guy List


Table 1 - By Minion992929

Roy
Durkon
Celia
Xykon
Tsukiko
Vaarsuvius
Monster in The Dark
Miko
Nale
Elan
Haley
Belkar
Lord Shojo
Redcloak
Hinjo
Daigo
Kazumi
Inkyrius
Roll again twice
Roll again and switch gender


Table 2 - By Minion 992929

The Guy with a halberd
Sarah Greenhilt
Haley's dad
Thanh
Julio Scoundrél
Mr. Rodriguez
Horace Greenhilt
Therkla
Zz'Dtri
YokYok
Leeky Windstaff
The Cliffport chief of police
Windstriker
Jirix
Lien
Argent
Yor
Roll again twice
Roll again on twice on Initial Table
Roll again and switch gender


Table 3 - By Minion992929

Soon Kim (incorporeal)
Shadowdancer
Hilgya
Dorukan
Bozzok
Crystal
Bandit King
Ancient Black Dragon
O-Chul
The Snarl
The Eye of Fear and Flame
Lord Kubota
Thog
Julia Greenhilt
Belkar
The oracle
Jephton/Haerta/Ganneron
Roll again twice on Initial Table
Roll again twice
Roll again and switch gender


Table 4 - By Minion 992929

The dragon's hoard
The chimera
The really dangerous trap
Roy's Archon
The Hydra
Teevo
Xykon's zombie dragon head
Roy's sword
The entire Hobgoblin army
The orc chieftain
The IFCC
Durkon while under the effects of Thor's might
Mr Scruffy
Hieronymus Grubwiggler
All of the Demon Roaches at once
Bone golem Roy
Roll again twice
Roll again on Tables 1, 2, and 3
Roll again twice on Initial Table
Roll again and switch gender


Minion List -Made By MReav

Goblin
Hobgoblin
Kobold
Ogre
Lizardfolk
Bug-people
Azure City Soldier
Bandit or Thieves Guild Member
Orc
Owlbear
Troll (flip coin to determine land or sea)
Zombie
Ghoul
City Guardsman
Angel-thing
Ghost Martyr
Roll again on another table.
Roll again twice
Roll Again and invert alignment
Roll again for minion army


Dead Guy List -Made By MReav

Samantha
Sangwaan
Hobgoblin General
Azure City General
Death Knight
Huecva
Trigak
Earth Dungeon Guardian
Fire Dungeon Guardian
Kraagor
Mijung
Eugene Greenhilt
Old Blind Pete
Giant Devil
Buggy-Lou
Isamu.
Roll Again on a different table
Roll Again Twice
Roll Again and Switch Gender
Roll again. If you roll this option twice in a row: Eastern Pantheon and World 1.0


Supplemental Plot Devices (Optional!) - By Nerdanel

Unrequited love
Love potion
Drunkenness
Snowed in
Stuck on a desert island
In the afterlife
Aliens Made Them Do It (not necessarily literal aliens)
True love
Love/hate relationship
Adultery
Pregnancy (use male pregnancy if needed)
Pink frills and white lace
French maid costume
Police/military uniform
High heels and black leather
American high school setting
Someone is a vampire
Everyone is a furry version of themselves
Kidnapped (By somebody inside or outside of the pairing)
Roll again twice




Of course, feel free to make up your own pairings!

[Lira]

Crack Pairings Story Index

Stories by badam104172

Hinjo/Argent
Jirix/Redcloak
Stories by baf

Inkyrius/Zz'dtri
Stories by BatRobin

Belkar/Eye of Fear and Flame
Hilgya/YokYok
Julio Scoundrel/Entire Hobgolbin Army
Therkla/Vaarsuvius
Tsukiko/Jirix
Thog/Julio Scoundrel
Stories by Belkster11

Roy/Elan [Part 1]
Roy/Elan [Part 2]
Roy/Elan [Part 3]
Hilgya/Inkyrius
Haley/Blackwing
Stories by The Blackbird

Oracle/Flesh Golem Roy
Stories by TheBibliophile

Xykon/Miko
Vaarsuvius/Haley
Vaarsuvius/Haley [Continued]
Vaarsuvius/The Lizardfolk Whores
Stories by CheeseMuncher

Redcloak/O-Chul
Tsukiko/Redcloak
Teevo/Hieronymus Grubwiggler
Roy/Roy's Archon
Roy's Sword/Nale
Belkar/Vaarsuvius
Elan/Vaarsuvius [Part 1]
Elan/Vaarsuvius [Part 2]
Redcloak/Tsukiko [Part 1]
Redcloak/Tsukiko [Part 2]
Redcloak/Tsukiko [Part 3]
Stories by ClericOfBelker

Gender-swapped OOTS [Part "2"]
Gender-swapped OOTS [Part 3]
Gender-swapped OOTS [Part 4]
Gender-swapped OOTS [Part 5]
Gender-swapped OOTS [Part 6]
Belkar/Roy
O-Chul/ABD
Elan/Belkar/Haley/Roy
Stories by Closak

Roy/Belkar/Ancient Black Dragon
ABD
ABD/Haley
Stories by CoffeeIncluded

Elan/Julio Scoundrel
O-Chul/Lien
Haley/Roy's Sword and Sara Greenhilt/Soon Kim
Inkyrius/Belkar
Julia/Pompey
Pompey/Sabine
Xykon/Roy's Sword
Belkar/Hinjo
Crystal/Vaarsuvius
Zz'Drti/Nale
Shojo/Aarindarius
Stories by Cracklord

Miko/Durkon
Inkyrius/Bozzok
O-Chul/Thog
Therkla/Crystal
Nale/The Shadow Dancer/Soulsplice
Tsukiko/Soon
Leeky Windstaff/Lord Kubota
Teevo/Thanh
O-Chul/Chief Grukgruk
Bozzok/Tsukiko/Crystal
Nale/Hinjo/O-Chul/Julia
Xykon/Thog
Edward Cullen/Harry Potter/Raistlin Majere/Xykon/Tsukiko/Lien/Stanley the Tool/Winston Churchill
Xykon/Julio Scoundrel
Belkar/Jenny
Eugene/Ydranna
Bozzok/Haley
Lord Shojo/Julio Scoundrel
Durkon/Lien
Durkon/Lien
Durkon/Lien
Durkon/Lien
Durkon/Lien [The Beginning]
Julia Greenhilt/Xykon
Bozzok/Zz'Dtri
Julia/Roy's Sword
Durkon/Lien
Roy/Sabine
Shojo/Miko
Durkon/Lien
Belkar in Hell [Part 1]
Belkar in Hell [Part 2]
Belkar in Hell [Part 3]
Belkar in Hell [Part 4]
Stories by CurlyKitGirl

Elan/Banjo
Banjo/Haley
Sabine/Haley
Stories by Dak Frostwrath

Redcloak/Haley/Zz'dtri/Crystal/Hieronymus Grubwiggler
Stories by The Dark Fiddler

Roy/Redcloak
MiTD/Entitre Hobgoblin Army
Celia/Gender-Flipped Celia
Crystal/Argent
Miko/Vaarsuvius
Nale/Tsukiko
Stories by Discord

Miko/Vaarsuvius
Miko/Vaarsuvius
Vaarsuvius/Zz'dtri
Vaarsuvius/Mother Black Dragon
Miko/Vaarsuvius
Jirix/Tsukiko
Stories by doliest

IFCC/Crystal
Windstriker/The Bandit King
Belkar/YokYok
Doliest/Dracula
Stories by Dra-Goon

Xykon/Kazumi
Sarah Greenhilt/Roy's Archon
Celia/Mr Scruffy
The Eye of Fear and Flame/Haley
Roy's Sword/Bone Golem Roy
Ancient Black Dragon/Tsukiko/Monster in the Dark
Haley/Vaarsuvius/Durkon
Stories by Dr.Gunsforhands

Roy/Belkar
Stories by Elan's Modron

Modron/Slaad
Stories by Elvenblade

Redcloak/Jirix
Stories by esmerelder

Roy/Vaarsuvius
Girard/Serini
Girard/Serini
Gender-swapped Order of the Stick
OOTS/OOTS
Haley/Hank
Stories by Expeditious

Bone Golem Roy/Nale
Stories by Forevernade

Flesh Golem Roy/Crystal
Stories by Gimliggamer

Frodo/Entire Hobgoblin Army/Sam/Harry Potter
Elan/Redcloak
Stories by Hijax

The Oracle/The Really Dangerous Trap
Stories by Introbulus

The Cliffport Chief of Police/Kazumi
Hydra/Lien
Tsukiko/Roy's Archon
Lord Shojo/Jirix
Durokan/Haley
Belkar/Hinjo
Haley/Crystal
Kazumi/Durkon
Stories by jogiff

Tsukiko/Miko/Redcloak
Stories by Kaytara

Mr. Scruffy/The Snarl
Ancient Black Dragon/Inkyrius
IFCC Fiends/The Chimera Trigak
Banjo/Giggles
Vaarsuvius/Durkon
Vaarsuvius/Durkon [Continuation]
Stories by Kirby

Celia/Vaarsuvius
Xykon/MiTD
Haley/Vaarsuvius
Soul Spliced Elan/Haley
Stories by Kitteh

Roy/Eye of Fear and Flame
Mr. Scruffy/Windstriker
Stories by Kobold-Bard

Leeky Windstaff/The Eye of Fear and Flame
Nale/Elan
Stories by Kraggi

Incorporeal Soon Kim/Mr. Scruffy
Stories by Kyronea

Haley/Durkon
Stories by lindorm

Soon Kim/Jirix
Stories by Lollie

Belkar/Tsukiko
Stories by Lycan 01

Orc Chief Grukgruk/Haley/Kazumi
The Guy With the Halberd/Demon Roaches/Hydra
Daigo/Kubota
Yor/Belkar
Kazumi/Therkla
O-Chul/IFCC
Miko/Redcloak
Miko/Redcloak [Continued]
The Eye of Fear and Flame/Haley
Blackwing/Mr. Scruffy
Hinjo/Redcloak
Crystal/The Chimera
Belkar/Roy's Sword
Stories by MagicianMan5

Shadowdancer/Soul Splices
Haley/Vaarsuvius
Stories by Malkar Grumbo

Miko/Tsukiko [Chapter 1]
Miko/Tsukiko [Chapter 2]
Miko/Tsukiko [Chapter 3]
Miko/Tsukiko [Chapter 4]
Stories by MasamuneSSX

Miko/MiTD
Durkon/Sabine
Miko/Sabine
Miko/The Oracle
Stories by Metalhead

Roy/Julia
Stories by mizzim

Haley/Nale
Stories by Monzach

Yokyok/Kobold Girl
Redcloak/Jirix
Stories by Moofin Bard

Therkla/Diago/Lien/Crystal/The Hydra
Mr. Scruffy/Belkar
Mr. Scruffy/Belkar [Continued]
Stories by Moon_Called

Haley/The Oracle
Stories by MReav

Tsukiko/Flesh Golem Roy
Stories by NamonakiRei

The Snarl/Roy
Sarah Greenhilt/O-Chul
Miko/Oracle
Stories by NemoUtopia

Vaarsuvius/Black Dragon
Stories by Nerdanel

Male Sarah Greenhilt/Female Zz'dtri/IFCC
Stories by The Odor

Shojo/Miko
Argent/Razor
Blackwing/Haley
Stories by Pid6

Sarah Greenhilt/Hydra
Julio Scoundrel/Lord Shojo/Horace Greenhilt/Durokan/The IFCC
Stories by pnewman

Lien/Thog
Stories by PsychoPat

Nale/Haley and Elan/Celia
Haley/Vampire Shadowdancer
Redcloak/Tsukiko/Julio Scoundrel
Thog/Sabine
Thog/Sabine [Continued]
Thog/Sabine [Continued]
Thog/Sabine [Continued]
Stories by Ronnoc

Haley/Roy
Stories by RPGAgmJAY

O'Chul/Archon
Stories by Saeyan

Vaarsuvius/Aarindarius
Stories by SaintRidley

Celia/TiVo
Stories by Sequinox

Spongebob/Julio Scoundrel
Stories by Silverraptor

Belkar/Nale
Miko/Hinjo
Inkyrius [Part 1], [Part 2], [Part 3], [Part 4]
Julia/Celia
Crystal/Belkar
Haley's Dream
Guy with the Halberd/Girl with the Halberd
Kazumi/Daigo
Kubota/Lien
Ceila/Mr Rodriguez
Stories by Somniloquist

Nale/Therkla
Stories by Taekwondodo

Hinjo/Zz'dtri
Bozzak/Mr Rodriguez
Elan/The Cliffport Chief of Police
Therkla/Julio Scoundrel
Nale/Julio Scoundrel
Thanh/Female NPC
Stories by Tatterdemalion

Miko/Soon Kim
Windstriker/Celia
Thog/Ian Starshine
MiTD/Haley
Nale/The Entire Hobgoblin Army
Stories by Thor Person Guy

Kazumi/Lord Shojo
Stories by Tira-chan

Roy/Elan
Therkla/Nale/Sabine
Stories by TooManySecrets

Roy/Xykon
Stories by TSED

Julia Greenhilt/The Chimera
Stories by waterpenguin43

Sabine/Vaarsuvius
Hilgya/Durkon
Miko/Tsukiko
Stories by Water-Smurf

In the Arms of Morpheus
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 1]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 2]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 3]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 4]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 5]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 6]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 7]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 8]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 9]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 10]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 11]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 12]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 13]
Icelus
Vaarsuvius
Curse of Phobetor
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 1]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 2]
Redcloak/Vaarsuvius [Part 3]
Stories by Weimann

Jephton/Haetra/Ganonron/Julia Greenhilt/Jirix
Overpriced Apple Girl/The Most Awesome Pickpockets In The ENTIRE WORLD!
Overpriced Apple Girl/The Most Awesome Pickpockets In The ENTIRE WORLD! [Continued]
Stories by WhereamI?

Belkar/Vaarsuvius
Stories by Xesirin

Daigo/Elan
Miko/Daigo
Stories by yubel

Stewie Griffin/Thog
Stories by Zanaril

Male Sarah Greenhilt/Female Zz'dtri/IFCC
Xykon/Vaarsuvius
Therkla/Belkar/Tsukiko
Therkla/Belkar/Tsukiko [Continued]
Mr Rodrigez/Gender-Swiched Mr Rodrigez
Vaarsuvius/Zz'dtri [continuation of Discord's story]
Vaarsuvius/Zz'dtri
Aarindarius/Inkyrius
Aarindarius/Inkyrius
Aarindarius/Inkyrius
Aarindarius/Inkyrius
Blackwing/Lizard Vaarsuvius
The IFCC/Zombie Dragon Head
Vaarsuvius/The Snarl
Vaarsuvius/Inkyrius/Aarindarius
Vaarsuvius/Haerta
Stories by Zen_Heart

Belkar/Zz'dtri
Belkar/Zz'dtri [Continued]
Belkar/Zz'dtri [Continued]
Stories by Ziren

Tsukiko/Durkon
Tsukiko/Lord Kubota
Cliffport Chief/Nale
Bandit King/Redcloak
Stories by Zolkabro

Durkon/Demon Roach

[Lira]

Crack Pairings Art Compilation
A compilation of the art made specifically for the Crack Pairings Thread.


Art by Belkster11

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v307/LinktheZora/GAH.png
Sangwaan and Hinjo.



Art by CheeseMuncher

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3536/3878328526_745d43c948_m.jpg
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3435/3878617451_1cd23c8772_m.jpg
Belkar.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2557/3932510166_c526e4eccf.jpg
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2641/3931732165_ee28b67b0e.jpg
Vaarsuvius and Roy.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2672/3939118618_44f0e537bf.jpg
Xykon and Redcloak.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2599/3942544402_59b0951702.jpg
Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2485/3953356579_a7620e5547.jpg
Tsukiko and Redcloak.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3452/3963417589_a1a6f4c1eb.jpg
Tsukiko and Redcloak, coloured version.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2510/3954135652_dcbb26922e.jpg
Spliced Inkyrius.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2445/3954135712_8542b56208.jpg
Vaarsuvius.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3520/4035798224_c6c54607c4_o.jpg
Child of Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.



Art by Delorges

http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/5862/varreddie.png
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.

http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/2786/mikochul.png
Miko and O-Chul.



Art by Expeditious

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p81/bluebirdtexas/vandbw.png
Vaarsuvius and Blackwing.



Art by Funky Goose

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Redcloack-V1.png
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Redcloack-V2.png
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Redcloack-V3.png
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Redcloack-V4.png
A comic version of Water-Smurf's Vaarsuvius/Redcloak story.

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path3034.png
Half-dragon child of Belkar.

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Scene.png
Young Roy and the Little Psion that Could.



Art by half-halfling

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/rys.jpg
Vaarsuvius and V's personifications of femininity and masculinity.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/rys2.png
Vaarsuvius, Inkyrius, their children and the soul splice.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/rys2-1.png
Tsukiko and Jirix.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/V3.png
Haley and Vaarsuvius.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/Untitled.png
MiTD and Tsukiko.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/Untitled-1.png
Child of Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/Beztytuu.png
Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/Beztytuu-1.png
Vaarsuvius' Parent and young Vaarsuvius.

http://i750.photobucket.com/albums/xx144/half-halfling/Untitled-2.png
Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.



Art by Kaytara

http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/2879/vstudying.png
Vaarsuvius.

http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/9021/vredcloak.png
Vaarsuvius and Redcloak.

http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/5314/pris2.png
Vaarsuvius.

http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/6888/royv.png
Vaarsuvius and Roy.

http://img40.imageshack.us/img40/1084/royvcolour.png
Vaarsuvius and Roy, coloured version.

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/2104/vchild.png
Young Vaarsuvius.



Art by Kirby

http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/8592/vaausarvishaley.th.jpg
Haley and Vaarsuvius.

http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/6064/evilelan.th.png
Spliced Elan.



Art by The Neoclassic

http://i449.photobucket.com/albums/qq218/Queenfange/OotS%20Characters/LienFiend1.png

http://i449.photobucket.com/albums/qq218/Queenfange/OotS%20Characters/LienFiend2.png
Lien and the Yellow-Eyed Fiend.

http://i449.photobucket.com/albums/qq218/Queenfange/OotS%20Characters/TeevoEvilLien.png
Evil Lien.



Art by Saeyan

http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/2563/jpg1w.jpg
Vaarsuvius with a Miko doll.

http://img24.imageshack.us/img24/3189/jpgxwg.jpg
Vaarsuvius with a Miko doll.

http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/5248/guhwhat.jpg
Aarindarius and Inkyrius.

http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/2897/zanaril.jpg
Zz'dtri and Vaarsuvius.

http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/9333/kyrieborked.jpg
Inkyrius.

http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/8849/wtfgo.jpg
Aarindarius, Inkyrius, and Vaarsuvius.

http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/2589/20090910104023.jpg
A wanted sign for Zanaril.

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/9130/37792864.jpg
Vaarsuvius.

http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/7391/dsc05772smallv.jpg
Inkyrius and Aarindarius, with Vaarsuvius and Zz'dtri in chibi form.

http://i33.tinypic.com/2coso77.png
Aarindarius, Inkyrius, and Vaarsuvius.

http://img25.imageshack.us/img25/8370/returnofthes.jpg
Inkyrius, Vaarsuvius, and Aarindarius.

http://img40.imageshack.us/img40/7219/dsc05996medium.jpg
Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.



Art by Tira-chan

http://i608.photobucket.com/albums/tt165/Tirajm/Picture003.jpg
Spock and Vaarsuvius.



Art by TooManySecrets

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/4227/genmorph.png
Female living Xykon.



Art by Trixie

http://www.imageboo.com/files/oxkjoqgfvjhpwoxd5peh.png
Celia and Belkar.

http://www.imageboo.com/files/cckobz9fc5qm975121s0.png
Xykon, Tsukiko, and Miko.



Art by Zanaril

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/undeath.png
Undead Vaarsuvius and Xykon.

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/inspiration.png
Miko and Vaarsuvius.

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/9SMALL.png
Redcloak and Vaarsuvius.

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/xykondress.png
Xykon.

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/kyriesoulsplice.png
Spliced Inkyrius.

http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/7817/evilmuffingrin.png
Spliced Inkyrius.

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/vxi.png
Spliced Inkyrius and Vaarsuvius.

http://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii21/Zanaril/OOTSart/miniv.png
Young Vaarsuvius.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Before I go off to bed, and to kick off the new thread, I'm gonna say right now, be on the lookout for the next few days. I'm entertaining ideas of a contest.

And a plot bunny, but nobody cares about that. :smalltongue:

[Silverraptor]

And thus the maddess continues. And were out of Bleach. Oh my, this is going to be interesting.:smallamused:

[Cracklord]

Figure I should open with a story.
Someone rolled Julia/Roy's sword
Here we go. Didn't put much effort in, but still want critique.

Julia stretched out on the bed in her dorm. The walls were plain, the sheets were coarse and only white by virtue of being bleached every few days, the furniture was so crude it seemed deliberate, and her roommate never shut up, but it was hers. She had earned her scholarship, she had chosen her courses. This was her life.

The day was warm, and she was wearing as little as she dared, wishing she knew more ice spells so she could cool off. More then that, she wished there was some sort of release.

She sighed, running her hand through her dark hair. She wasn’t sure she liked it. It was straight, and shiny, and all her friends liked it, but it wasn’t her. There was nothing about it that differentiated her from everyone else with dark hair. It wasn''t hers, it was just generic dark hair.

Stretching her long legs over the side of her bed, she got to her feet and padded over to the door, which she checked was securely closed, and then locked. Just in case she cast hold portal as well. Most wizards agreed it was a useless spell, but when you were a nubile young girl who half the students drooled over and liked your privacy (or rather, didn’t feel like giving anyone a free show), then it was worth the effort of learning a few safeguards.

Taking a deep breath she reached into her bag and retrieved the sword.
The sword was who she was. It was who her family was. Where they came from, and what they were. Her father may have forgotten that, but she never would.

She could barely heft it, but she held it up nonetheless, admiring it’s functional elegance, it’s raw simplicity. In it’s own way, it was prettier then any rose. Running her hand down the edge gently, she gasped as it cut through the skin, a single bright bead of blood running down the edge. A bright flush crept over her cheeks, giving her dark skin a warm look.

She clutched it closer, enjoying the cold feel of the metal against her warm, yielding flesh. “You’re not my knight." She said huskily, her green eyes wide, undoing the clasp at the back of her bra. "You’re not my saviour. You’re me. And I am you.”


Also, we are now on the second thread. Yay!

[Sgeo]

Could the Crack Pairing story index be spoilered? Thanks.

[Gimliggamer]

Wazam! New thread! Crap, threads not old enough for ale.:smallsigh:

Facebook! (http://www.facebook.com/)

[Malkar Grumbo]

Yay! New thread!:smallbiggrin:

Boo! No brain bleach! You know how expensive that stuff is? :smallannoyed:

[Lycan 01]

Bah, thread ends right after I post my latest literary abomination? How bothersome... I wanted feedback! :smallbiggrin:

Oh well. Lets see if I can whip something up to celebrate the birth of our newest Crack Pairing Thread... :smallamused:


Lets see... IIRC, my current challenges are:

Kazumi x Therkla
Yor x Belkar (Aliens made them do it)
Redcloak x Miko
Tsukiko x Therkla
Eye of Fear and Flame x Haley (French Maid outfit)
O-Chul x IFCC (pregnancy)

Am I missing any? :smallconfused:

Lets go wiiiiiiith...

O-Chul x IFCC (pregnancy)

"This is actually starting to bore me..." Xykon sighed as he watched O-Chul twitch and squirm in a burning room full of acid-spitting, lightning-breathing, spike covered kittens. The fact that the kittens were more focused on playing with the frayed ends of the ropes binding the Paladin, rather than the prisoner himself, didn't add much to the entertainment value. "I need some new ideas..."

"We might be of service..." a voice crooned from behind the Lich. Turning about, Xykon found himself in the company of three red-robed fiends with varying eye colors. "We are the IFCC, and we might have what you're looking for..." the center figure nodded slowly.

"And that would be?" Xykon cocked his skull to the side.

"An unbelievably cruel way of torturing the Paladin you've been using as a torture sponge..." the robed figure on the right clapped its hands together jovially.

"A way you would have never, ever thought of yourself..." the left-hand figure added.

Xykon studied the three fiends for a few seconds, before finally replying. "I'm listening..."

---

9 months later, Xykon was standing in a hospital, the dark voids that represented his eyes stretched to their limit. He was staring, in what could only be described as horror, through a window into a hospital room. Hideous screams could be heard through the glass - the screams of a man enduring agony that no man before him had ever experienced, and was in no way prepared to endure. Xykon slowly turned around, and just stared at the three red-robed fiends behind him. His jaw worked back and forth, as if he was trying to say words that just wouldn't, or couldn't, form. Finally, he simply shook his head and said, "Wow."

"What?" the center figure asked.

"You... You out-eviled me. I never would have thought of making him pregnant. That didn't even seem physically possible! How on earth did you come up with such a torture method?"

"Um... Chance?" the figure on the left shrugged.

"Yeah... Just pure chance..." the right figures hood nodded vigorously.

"Yes, the Paladin getting pregnant was totally our idea for the torture..." the center figure clapped his hands together.

A few moments of dead silence passed. Finally, Xykon spoke. "Him getting pregnant was just a side effect of what ya'll call torture, wasn't it?"

"..." the three fiends looked back and forth amongst each other. Suddenly, one of them gasped. "Oh would you look at the time, we're late for that... thing!"

"Oh yes, that thing! Lets go!" the right IFCC member exclaimed.

"But I want to see my newborn so-" the left figure started, but both fiends grabbed him before he could finish.

"You can sue for custody later!" growled the center one.

"Lets go!" the right fiend yelped.

And with that, the IFCC vanished. Xykon was left standing there, trying to block out the wailing of whatever had just been born on the other side of the glass. He then looked down at his watch, and began to count down the seconds. "Three, two, one..."

---

"Gya!" Xykon bolted upright, looking around his room in horror. He then laid back down in his bed, and growled to himself, "I can't wait for these weird dreams to stop..."

"Sir..." Redcloak suddenly entered the room, covered in bandages and nursing a serious black-eye. "The prisoner's........ spawn...... appears to be teething."

"Hold on a second Redcloak..." Xykon sighed. He then pulled back his sleeve, and began to count down the seconds. "Five, four, three, two, one..."

---

"Hurk!" Xykon gasped, jolting up in his seat. He'd fallen asleep at his desk again, having once again plotted evil to the point where he'd passed out. The Lich growled to himself, and snarled: "I'm getting tired of these dreams! AND SINCE WHEN AM I PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF SLEEPING?!?"



I don't know why, but I just love making Xykon have nightmares about Crack Pairings. Its just funny to me, for some reason...




Btw, Minion, interesting story. And by interesting, I mean creepy. :smalleek: Nah, but seriously, good writing. :smalltongue:

[badam104172]

Bah, thread ends right after I post my latest literary abomination? How bothersome... I wanted feedback! :smallbiggrin:

Oh well. Lets see if I can whip something up to celebrate the birth of our newest Crack Pairing Thread... :smallamused:


Lets see... IIRC, my current challenges are:

Kazumi x Therkla
Yor x Belkar (Aliens made them do it)
Redcloak x Miko
Tsukiko x Therkla
Eye of Fear and Flame x Haley (French Maid outfit)
O-Chul x IFCC (pregnancy)

Am I missing any? :smallconfused:

Lets go wiiiiiiith...

O-Chul x IFCC (pregnancy)

"This is actually starting to bore me..." Xykon sighed as he watched O-Chul twitch and squirm in a burning room full of acid-spitting, lightning-breathing, spike covered kittens. The fact that the kittens were more focused on playing with the frayed ends of the ropes binding the Paladin, rather than the prisoner himself, didn't add much to the entertainment value. "I need some new ideas..."

"We might be of service..." a voice crooned from behind the Lich. Turning about, Xykon found himself in the company of three red-robed fiends with varying eye colors. "We are the IFCC, and we might have what you're looking for..." the center figure nodded slowly.

"And that would be?" Xykon cocked his skull to the side.

"An unbelievably cruel way of torturing the Paladin you've been using as a torture sponge..." the robed figure on the right clapped its hands together jovially.

"A way you would have never, ever thought of yourself..." the left-hand figure added.

Xykon studied the three fiends for a few seconds, before finally replying. "I'm listening..."

---

9 months later, Xykon was standing in a hospital, the dark voids that represented his eyes stretched to their limit. He was staring, in what could only be described as horror, through a window into a hospital room. Hideous screams could be heard through the glass - the screams of a man enduring agony that no man before him had ever experienced, and was in no way prepared to endure. Xykon slowly turned around, and just stared at the three red-robed fiends behind him. His jaw worked back and forth, as if he was trying to say words that just wouldn't, or couldn't, form. Finally, he simply shook his head and said, "Wow."

"What?" the center figure asked.

"You... You out-eviled me. I never would have thought of making him pregnant. That didn't even seem physically possible! How on earth did you come up with such a torture method?"

"Um... Chance?" the figure on the left shrugged.

"Yeah... Just pure chance..." the right figures hood nodded vigorously.

"Yes, the Paladin getting pregnant was totally our idea for the torture..." the center figure clapped his hands together.

A few moments of dead silence passed. Finally, Xykon spoke. "Him getting pregnant was just a side effect of what ya'll call torture, wasn't it?"

"..." the three fiends looked back and forth amongst each other. Suddenly, one of them gasped. "Oh would you look at the time, we're late for that... thing!"

"Oh yes, that thing! Lets go!" the right IFCC member exclaimed.

"But I want to see my newborn so-" the left figure started, but both fiends grabbed him before he could finish.

"You can sue for custody later!" growled the center one.

"Lets go!" the right fiend yelped.

And with that, the IFCC vanished. Xykon was left standing there, trying to block out the wailing of whatever had just been born on the other side of the glass. He then looked down at his watch, and began to count down the seconds. "Three, two, one..."

---

"Gya!" Xykon bolted upright, looking around his room in horror. He then laid back down in his bed, and growled to himself, "I can't wait for these weird dreams to stop..."

"Sir..." Redcloak suddenly entered the room, covered in bandages and nursing a serious black-eye. "The prisoner's........ spawn...... appears to be teething."

"Hold on a second Redcloak..." Xykon sighed. He then pulled back his sleeve, and began to count down the seconds. "Five, four, three, two, one..."

---

"Hurk!" Xykon gasped, jolting up in his seat. He'd fallen asleep at his desk again, having once again plotted evil to the point where he'd passed out. The Lich growled to himself, and snarled: "I'm getting tired of these dreams! AND SINCE WHEN AM I PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF SLEEPING?!?"



I don't know why, but I just love making Xykon have nightmares about Crack Pairings. Its just funny to me, for some reason...




Btw, Minion, interesting story. And by interesting, I mean creepy. :smalleek: Nah, but seriously, good writing. :smalltongue:
um... its been said before that liches don't sleep. otherwise, nice story.

[Zanaril]

When this whole thing started, I never dreamt we'd get as far and a second thread. Here's hoping for another 50 pages. :smallsmile:

I suppose it's time to update the link in my signature.

[Lycan 01]

Yeah, I know. But that's the glory of crack fics. :smallbiggrin:


Seriously, if everyone else can get away with the stuff they write, I think I can take a little creative liberty with the sleeping habits of the undead. :smalltongue:


Speaking of undead, I've got an idea on how to do that Miko x Redcloak story... The question is, should I just write it as a short crack fic, or actually try to go somewhere with it? The idea I have could work both ways... It would either make for a rather silly one shot, or be turned into a pretty funny series of shorts. Theoretically, at least... So yeah - Miko x Redcloak: one shot, or series? :smallconfused:

[Zanaril]

I don't know why, but I just love making Xykon have nightmares about Crack Pairings. Its just funny to me, for some reason...

Because it's a cruel and unusual and utterly fitting punishment?

[TheBibliophile]

Yeah, I know. But that's the glory of crack fics. :smallbiggrin:


Seriously, if everyone else can get away with the stuff they write, I think I can take a little creative liberty with the sleeping habits of the undead. :smalltongue:


Speaking of undead, I've got an idea on how to do that Miko x Redcloak story... The question is, should I just write it as a short crack fic, or actually try to go somewhere with it? The idea I have could work both ways... It would either make for a rather silly one shot, or be turned into a pretty funny series of shorts. Theoretically, at least... So yeah - Miko x Redcloak: one shot, or series? :smallconfused:

IMO, you should make it a series, because it sounds really, really promising. However, if you don't feel you could do it justice as a series, you should just do a one-off. How's that sound?

EDIT: Do elves grow facial hair? I need it for chapter 2 of my fanfic.

[Rustic Dude]

HEY! HEY! HEY!!!


That list lacks the Peter Griffin/Xykon Crack Pairing. Therefore, it's not perfect.

[TheBibliophile]

Vaarsuvius x Haley: The one you've all been hoping would never get a sequel due to the author's total incompetence!


Chapter 2: Section 1

I was awoken from my cross-legged trancing by a gentle shake. I hovered down to the hard, lice-infested bed, heartily glad that I had not slept there, and opened an eye. A pair of hazel-brown eyes stared at me, and a lilting voice spoke.
"Hey, Vaarsuvius, time to get up! There's a party meeting downstairs in the bar!"
"Please, Miss Starshine, call me V. I believe you humans prefer short, easy-to-say names to complicated ones, though I cannot imagine why for the life of me."
"Alright, V, but only if you call me Haley! Now come on, already, Roy will be getting grumpy!"
Miss Starshine (Haley, I corrected myself) skipped down the stairs from the living section of the inn, humming a tune which seemed to be about treasure. I got up and stumbled over to the door, casting Prestidigation to iron my robes as I did so. For some reason, I cared more about my appearance than usual today.

More to come later.

[Belkster11]

This is probably going to be the last of my ElanxRoy thing. I'll think up of other crack fics later. XD

As Elan walked slowly to Roy's tent, he was unsure of what to say. He opened the flaps of the entrance and stepped in. He was in for a shock: Roy wasn't in his tent, and even more strange was a note tacked to the post. Elan took it.

"Meet me outside the encampment, please. ~Roy" Elan read. His knees were wobbly. What was Roy going to do? Fire him? Berate him? He sighed and pocketed the note.

Roy was standing just a few feet away, facing away from the camp. His sword was jammed into the sand beside him.

Elan cleared his throat.

"R-Roy?" He asked.

"Yes?" Roy replied. He didn't sound too angry.

"About what happened last night, I'm..."

"Elan, listen." Roy interuppted." Then he turned around and walked up to Elan.

"My time being dead had me thinking: You've really grown up." Roy put a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"How could you see us if you were dead?" Elan asked.

"Scrying. Don't ask me how." Roy took a few steps away. "Want to do some swordplay?" He took out his sword. "I'll go easy on you."

Elan took out his raiper and did a pose.

"Now attack."

Elan didn't budge.

"Elan, you think I'm gonna let you kill me? Besides, it's not like we don't have a healer in case we do mortally wound ourselves."

Elan took that as encouragement and brought down a vertical strike. Roy quickly blocked it.

"Good, very good." Roy nodded, a cunning smile creeping on his face. "But you may not want to pause for too long or else-"

Roy suddenly pushed his sword off of Elan's and brought it just close to Elan's waist. Elan stepped back.

"Is this punishment?" Elan asked.

"Training, Elan. Training. I wouldn't mind having a pupil, Brother Elan."

Elan's heart jumped. Did Roy just call him what he...Brother Elan?!

"B-Brother?" Elan gasped.

"That's what we called ourselves in Fighter Academy." Roy explained.

"Should I call you Master, then?"

"Brother Roy." Roy said. "Let's do it, then."

Elan and Roy then began to swing their swords at each other, getting quicker and quicker. Their breathing quickened and sweat poured down their face. Their swords rang loudly throughout the encampment and the glistening sun reflected from the blades, blinding the two warriors every so often. Around this time, Elan would be shouting puns, but today, this one special day, when he finally had Roy on his side sparring, he refused to adhere to his "punny"-side.

In his head, there was one song that was near and dear to his heart, a song he sung during the Azure City battle after Roy's death.

O' Buddy Roy...

[Saeyan]

It's pretty amazing to see "Crack Pairings II". Roman numerals are badass.

Lira, thanks for all the hard work you've put into the compilation threads. If you have the time, maybe the art post could be sorted by character or artist? Because it's a little messy right now.




"Please, Miss Starshine, call me V. I believe you humans prefer short, easy-to-say names to complicated ones, though I cannot imagine why for the life of me."


Hurray, V/H! I like the treasure song and robe-ironing. It's details like that which make the story so cute. Though I always imagined it would be Haley doing the name-shortening. It just doesn't quite seem in line with V's character to hack up his name like that. Though I just realized he allows Kyrie to call him Suvie, so never mind. Though he does say "your Vaarsuvius" instead of "your Suvie".

Edit: Also, I just tried my luck with the automatic roller...


Dorukan + Inkyrius
Unrequited love

:smalleek:

[Zanaril]

EDIT: Do elves grow facial hair? I need it for chapter 2 of my fanfic.

We don't know that they don't. :smalltongue: But probably not.

If it adds to the humour, I say include it anyway.




Dorukan + Inkyrius
Unrequited love

:smalleek:
Well, we already know Inky has a thing for wizards....

[Kaytara]

Poor Water-Smurf. So buried in schoolwork (I can sympathise, I truly can, today is the first time I've been able to complete a sketch in class in four weeks - horrible!) that she is forced to leave us starving for a new dose of VxRedcloak...

In lieu of completed sketches, it should come as no surprise precisely what it is I turned my sketching to. :smallbiggrin:

(Lined paper. Sorry about that.)

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y120/kaytara/vredcloak.png
Another jab at Water-Smurf's story. :) Maybe tribute will bring the goddess out of hiding.

And a separate picture of V looking all distant and worried.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y120/kaytara/vstudying.png
Probably at the start of the fleet arc no wait that's not crackworthy enough He has fallen in love. Yes. With... um... *rolls* Eep. Durkon. Okay.

Since I have the time, maybe I'll just try and write that. :D

Be right back. :smallcool:

[Dra-Goon]

The Eye of Fear and Flame + Haley

American Japanese high school setting

Gah, and now I need to keep it PG-13. Ah, let's not bother too much with plot (and of course use all the anime stereotypes...). Probably quite NSFW towards the end:

Haley adjusted her uniform. She pulled her shirt straight, and checked whether her skirt was still in one piece.

She had just come off the Tokio underground, and again the women-only carriages had been full. So she had to take the mixed ones, full of the usual pervs. They had tried to molest her, as usual, but after what she had done to them, they'd never try again. The main issue with her solution would be that she just filled the women-only carriages a bit more... She did hope that none of them would circulate under-skirt mobile phone panty shots of her on the internet as a revenge.

But of course, all that was nothing compared to what she would have to do today. Haley grinned. The school she went to had been possessed by a truly evil demon. She really had to eradicate it today, otherwise the Order would be rather unhappy with her. Haley set off to her highschool in a determined mind.

Once there, she greeted several of her classmates. She quickly took the stairs to the second floor. But before she could reach it, someone called out her name.

"Hey Haley!"

Haley turned around. Of course it was him. Elan. Another member of the Order, but one that was kept out of the more 'special' operations. Why now?!? Just when she didn't need him at all. Elan ran to her, his blonde-tainted hair waving up and down.

"Look, Haley, I can make a puppet illusion with blue clothes!" With these words Elan showed off his newest puppet illusion. Haley looked at it, told him it was looking "Real good", and then made use of his puppet-obsession by pointing out some non-existing puppets and quickly slipping away while Elan looked for the puppets.

Haley quickly reached the second floor, and walked straight to the Biology Class. She carefully pushed open the door. No-one was there, as Biology classes only happened in the afternoon. She equally carefully closed the door, locked it, and walked to a cupboard. There He sat. His hollow orbits dark with emptyness, his bare bones hidden in the shadows. Although just a skull, this was a creature of pure evil, a tremendous demon from the nether dimensions. It spoke:

"Hey, chickie, come again to get spanked?"
"Nah, today it's you that is going to get spanked."
"Really?"

The skull's hollow orbits suddenly flamed with fire, and it launched itself out of the cupboard, narrowly missing Haley's head. The draft created by the sudden movement caused Haley to lose balance. She fell backwards. When she tried to right herself, she spotted the skull carefully inspecting her nether areas.

"Fancy panties, chickie. Pink with light blue lines. Mmmmmh, tasty birdie."
"Eye of Fear and Flame, you PERV! But this time I came prepared! Bag of Holding!"

Taking out her bag of holding, Haley plunged her hand into it, pulling a lighted firecracker out. She threw it right in front of the Eye, temporarilly blinding it. Haley lunged at the skull, and clasped her hands around it. The Eye of Fear and Flame gasped. Kneeling down, Haley brought it to the same level as her own head. She said, with malice in her eyes:

"I told you today was my turn."

(NSFW from here)

With these words she drew the skull closer to her face. She licked her lips. This was going to be fun. She then kissed the Eye right on his fleshless mouth. As again he gasped, she pushed her tongue into his mouth, licking his bare teeth and jaws, while at the same time stroking the back of the skull. She could see the fire in its eyesockets flare up. She moved her right hand so that she could hold the Eye tightly against her lips one-handed. With her left hand she began unbuttoning her shirt, revealing a sexy pink frilly bra. She pulled away from the skull. Pointing its eyesockets at her chest she said:

"Here, want to go down a bit?"

The Eye of Fear and Flame didn't answer. It oggled Haley's bra instead.

"I'll make it a bit easier for you. Like this." Grinning, Haley pulled down her bra, and lowered the Eye. "You may call me "Mistress", by the way."
The Eye stammered "A-Ar-Are y-you going to str-strip entirely?"
""Mistress"."
"Are you going to strip entirely, Mistress?"
"No, not entirely. Just enough for you to do your job."

Haley pushed the Eye against her chest, this time gasping herself. She then flicked up her short skirt, and slipped down her remaining hand...


And I'll stop there.

:eek::eek::eek:

[TheBibliophile]

The Eye of Fear and Flame + Haley

American Japanese high school setting

Gah, and now I need to keep it PG-13. Ah, let's not bother too much with plot (and of course use all the anime stereotypes...). Probably quite NSFW towards the end:

Haley adjusted her uniform. She pulled her shirt straight, and checked whether her skirt was still in one piece.

She had just come off the Tokio underground, and again the women-only carriages had been full. So she had to take the mixed ones, full of the usual pervs. They had tried to molest her, as usual, but after what she had done to them, they'd never try again. The main issue with her solution would be that she just filled the women-only carriages a bit more... She did hope that none of them would circulate under-skirt mobile phone panty shots of her on the internet as a revenge.

But of course, all that was nothing compared to what she would have to do today. Haley grinned. The school she went to had been possessed by a truly evil demon. She really had to eradicate it today, otherwise the Order would be rather unhappy with her. Haley set off to her highschool in a determined mind.

Once there, she greeted several of her classmates. She quickly took the stairs to the second floor. But before she could reach it, someone called out her name.

"Hey Haley!"

Haley turned around. Of course it was him. Elan. Another member of the Order, but one that was kept out of the more 'special' operations. Why now?!? Just when she didn't need him at all. Elan ran to her, his blonde-tainted hair waving up and down.

"Look, Haley, I can make a puppet illusion with blue clothes!" With these words Elan showed off his newest puppet illusion. Haley looked at it, told him it was looking "Real good", and then made use of his puppet-obsession by pointing out some non-existing puppets and quickly slipping away while Elan looked for the puppets.

Haley quickly reached the second floor, and walked straight to the Biology Class. She carefully pushed open the door. No-one was there, as Biology classes only happened in the afternoon. She equally carefully closed the door, locked it, and walked to a cupboard. There He sat. His hollow orbits dark with emptyness, his bare bones hidden in the shadows. Although just a skull, this was a creature of pure evil, a tremendous demon from the nether dimensions. It spoke:

"Hey, chickie, come again to get spanked?"
"Nah, today it's you that is going to get spanked."
"Really?"

The skull's hollow orbits suddenly flamed with fire, and it launched itself out of the cupboard, narrowly missing Haley's head. The draft created by the sudden movement caused Haley to lose balance. She fell backwards. When she tried to right herself, she spotted the skull carefully inspecting her nether areas.

"Fancy panties, chickie. Pink with light blue lines. Mmmmmh, tasty birdie."
"Eye of Fear and Flame, you PERV! But this time I came prepared! Bag of Holding!"

Taking out her bag of holding, Haley plunged her hand into it, pulling a lighted firecracker out. She threw it right in front of the Eye, temporarilly blinding it. Haley lunged at the skull, and clasped her hands around it. The Eye of Fear and Flame gasped. Kneeling down, Haley brought it to the same level as her own head. She said, with malice in her eyes:

"I told you today was my turn."

(NSFW from here)

With these words she drew the skull closer to her face. She licked her lips. This was going to be fun. She then kissed the Eye right on his fleshless mouth. As again he gasped, she pushed her tongue into his mouth, licking his bare teeth and jaws, while at the same time stroking the back of the skull. She could see the fire in its eyesockets flare up. She moved her right hand so that she could hold the Eye tightly against her lips one-handed. With her left hand she began unbuttoning her shirt, revealing a sexy pink frilly bra. She pulled away from the skull. Pointing its eyesockets at her chest she said:

"Here, want to go down a bit?"

The Eye of Fear and Flame didn't answer. It oggled Haley's bra instead.

"I'll make it a bit easier for you. Like this." Grinning, Haley pulled down her bra, and lowered the Eye. "You may call me "Mistress", by the way."
The Eye stammered "A-Ar-Are y-you going to str-strip entirely?"
""Mistress"."
"Are you going to strip entirely, Mistress?"
"No, not entirely. Just enough for you to do your job."

Haley pushed the Eye against her chest, this time gasping herself. She then flicked up her short skirt, and slipped down her remaining hand...


And I'll stop there.

:eek::eek::eek:

GAAH!

I think that's the most disturbing pairing I've read yet!

GAAAH!!! :eek::eek::eek:

[Lycan 01]

Because it's a cruel and unusual and utterly fitting punishment?

Sure, lets go with that. :smallbiggrin:


IMO, you should make it a series, because it sounds really, really promising. However, if you don't feel you could do it justice as a series, you should just do a one-off. How's that sound?

EDIT: Do elves grow facial hair? I need it for chapter 2 of my fanfic.

I think I'm going to make it a series. I can tell you now that it will be deliciously cracky, but also have a decent plot. Once I figure out what that plot will be, at least. So far, all I have is the introduction and how the story gets set up... :smallconfused:

Oh, and Elves have "little body hair" according to the PHB, but I always assumed that an elf could grow a goatee or some sort of "civilized" facial hair if he so desired...


Also, good job with the V x Haley literature. But don't stop there! :smalltongue:


@ Belkster11: BRAVO!! :smallbiggrin: That was a GREAT way to wrap up your little tale. I enjoyed it, and I can't wait to see your next piece of work...


@ Kaytara: I hereby give you a cookie in return for you showing us such awesome art. Interesting portrayels of two of my favorite characters...


@ Dra-Goon: :eek: I think I'll actually have to pass on this one. While I don't doubt your writing capabilities... I'd rather not have to deal with liquid gray matter dribbling out of my eyes and ears.




The first section of my Miko x Redcloak thing will be posted up later in the afternoon. I just have to fine tune a few details, and then actually write it out. Wish me luck! :smallbiggrin:

[xelliea]

A new crack thread, Great! :smallbiggrin:

[yubel]

please could someone explain this thread.

[Belkster11]

please could someone explain this thread.

Simple.

You take two characters that really have no likelyhood of developing an attachment and you go at it. It's fun and insane.

[yubel]

Simple.

You take two characters that really have no likelyhood of developing an attachment and you go at it. It's fun and insane.

Do they have to be from OOTS.

I can think of a few video game characters that could be funny if matched with OOTS caracters. :smallbiggrin:

[Lycan 01]

Do they have to be from OOTS.

I can think of a few video game characters that could be funny if matched with OOTS caracters. :smallbiggrin:

You know, that's a good question. Personally, I think its funnier when its OotS characters only, but the occassional non-OotS character is okay. Actually, somebody mentioned Peter Griffon x Xykon earlier, and I was going to tackle that one after my Miko x Redcloak fic...


But if you have an idea that you think is funny, we won't say no to you. In fact, I'm curious to see what you can come up with... So yeah, give the crack pairing thread a try. I did, and I turned out *twitch* okay! :smallbiggrin:

[BatRobin]

Ummm...Peter Griffin x Xykon was done, and there's a banner for it, just go look (in the old thread).


Ok, rolllling time! I'll edit in a sec with a few crackos to add to the queue.

[Lycan 01]

:smallconfused:

Ooooooh...

What Rustic Dude wrote:
"That list lacks the Peter Griffin/Xykon Crack Pairing. Therefore, it's not perfect."

What I read:
This thread lacks a Peter Griffin/Xykon Crack Pairing. Therefore, it's not perfect."

Silly me. :smallbiggrin:


Oh right, Miko x Redcloak. Um... Quick question: What is the opposite of a Paladin? Like... what sort of classes fall into the "evil Paladin" category? I hate to mess up small details, and I'm trying to make sure this story makes SOME sense...

[yubel]

Stewie griffin and Thog

(inspired by the Xykon and peter)


Stewie: ... At least I don't date people who are as dumb as a brick.
Brian: You mean like that orc.
Cuts to Stewie and Thog in an Inn, kissing.
Thog: thog like cutaway scenes
Cuts back to stewie and brian.
Stewie: Damn :smallfurious:
Brian: :smallamused:

my first story, sorry if it is out of character or spelt wrong.
A quick banner of this could be funny.

[Dark Faun]

Oh right, Miko x Redcloak. Um... Quick question: What is the opposite of a Paladin? Like... what sort of classes fall into the "evil Paladin" category? I hate to mess up small details, and I'm trying to make sure this story makes SOME sense...
Blackguard (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/prestigeClasses/blackguard.htm). Sabine approves (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0419.html).

It's a prestige class though, so I don't know if Miko can apply. Paladin of Tyranny (Lawful Evil) or of Slaughter (Chaotic Evil) (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/variant/classes/variantcharacterclasses.htm) may be better alternatives.

[Dra-Goon]

Why are the pairings I roll 1) involving characters I don't know enough about, 2) boring pairs, or 3) downright terminally insane?

I mean, the last one I got:

Gender-switched Roy's sword + Bone golem Roy

Stuck on a desert island + True love


I mean: what?!?:frown:

I imagine I could write some of it, but how do you deal with a gender-switched sword? In fact, what is a gender-switched sword?

[Lycan 01]

A bow? :smallconfused:

Actually, its either a shield, a bow, or the sword's sheath... They're all the "opposite" of a sword, in some way.

[Carnivorous_Bea]

The Eye of Fear and Flame + Haley

American Japanese high school setting

Gah, and now I need to keep it PG-13. Ah, let's not bother too much with plot (and of course use all the anime stereotypes...). Probably quite NSFW towards the end:

Haley adjusted her uniform. She pulled her shirt straight, and checked whether her skirt was still in one piece.

She had just come off the Tokio underground, and again the women-only carriages had been full. So she had to take the mixed ones, full of the usual pervs. They had tried to molest her, as usual, but after what she had done to them, they'd never try again. The main issue with her solution would be that she just filled the women-only carriages a bit more... She did hope that none of them would circulate under-skirt mobile phone panty shots of her on the internet as a revenge.

But of course, all that was nothing compared to what she would have to do today. Haley grinned. The school she went to had been possessed by a truly evil demon. She really had to eradicate it today, otherwise the Order would be rather unhappy with her. Haley set off to her highschool in a determined mind.

Once there, she greeted several of her classmates. She quickly took the stairs to the second floor. But before she could reach it, someone called out her name.

"Hey Haley!"

Haley turned around. Of course it was him. Elan. Another member of the Order, but one that was kept out of the more 'special' operations. Why now?!? Just when she didn't need him at all. Elan ran to her, his blonde-tainted hair waving up and down.

"Look, Haley, I can make a puppet illusion with blue clothes!" With these words Elan showed off his newest puppet illusion. Haley looked at it, told him it was looking "Real good", and then made use of his puppet-obsession by pointing out some non-existing puppets and quickly slipping away while Elan looked for the puppets.

Haley quickly reached the second floor, and walked straight to the Biology Class. She carefully pushed open the door. No-one was there, as Biology classes only happened in the afternoon. She equally carefully closed the door, locked it, and walked to a cupboard. There He sat. His hollow orbits dark with emptyness, his bare bones hidden in the shadows. Although just a skull, this was a creature of pure evil, a tremendous demon from the nether dimensions. It spoke:

"Hey, chickie, come again to get spanked?"
"Nah, today it's you that is going to get spanked."
"Really?"

The skull's hollow orbits suddenly flamed with fire, and it launched itself out of the cupboard, narrowly missing Haley's head. The draft created by the sudden movement caused Haley to lose balance. She fell backwards. When she tried to right herself, she spotted the skull carefully inspecting her nether areas.

"Fancy panties, chickie. Pink with light blue lines. Mmmmmh, tasty birdie."
"Eye of Fear and Flame, you PERV! But this time I came prepared! Bag of Holding!"

Taking out her bag of holding, Haley plunged her hand into it, pulling a lighted firecracker out. She threw it right in front of the Eye, temporarilly blinding it. Haley lunged at the skull, and clasped her hands around it. The Eye of Fear and Flame gasped. Kneeling down, Haley brought it to the same level as her own head. She said, with malice in her eyes:

"I told you today was my turn."

(NSFW from here)

With these words she drew the skull closer to her face. She licked her lips. This was going to be fun. She then kissed the Eye right on his fleshless mouth. As again he gasped, she pushed her tongue into his mouth, licking his bare teeth and jaws, while at the same time stroking the back of the skull. She could see the fire in its eyesockets flare up. She moved her right hand so that she could hold the Eye tightly against her lips one-handed. With her left hand she began unbuttoning her shirt, revealing a sexy pink frilly bra. She pulled away from the skull. Pointing its eyesockets at her chest she said:

"Here, want to go down a bit?"

The Eye of Fear and Flame didn't answer. It oggled Haley's bra instead.

"I'll make it a bit easier for you. Like this." Grinning, Haley pulled down her bra, and lowered the Eye. "You may call me "Mistress", by the way."
The Eye stammered "A-Ar-Are y-you going to str-strip entirely?"
""Mistress"."
"Are you going to strip entirely, Mistress?"
"No, not entirely. Just enough for you to do your job."

Haley pushed the Eye against her chest, this time gasping herself. She then flicked up her short skirt, and slipped down her remaining hand...


And I'll stop there.

:eek::eek::eek:

I think you just won the Brain Bleach award of the year .... :smalleek:

[BatRobin]

Ahhh, the very first Crack Pairing ever, even before the threads began, Miko x Redcloak.


Technically, something similar to a Crimson Mantle Bearer is the opposite of a Paladin, but Blackguard works.


Ok, THIS post I'll edit with rolls to add to the queue.
----------------------------

Elan x Dorukan

[Dark Faun]

Ahhh, the very first Crack Pairing ever, even before the threads began, Miko x Redcloak.
I thought it was Miko x Belkar? Or Vaarsuvius x Belkar? (If only because of the "Belkar's romantic interest" thread...)

[Lycan 01]

Okay, another quick question...

Lets say... hypothetically... that a deceased lawfull good paladin were to be... oh... say... revived by the forces of evil... Now, the question is, what would said paladin be best revived as? A Blackguard? A Death Knight? Or a mindless zombie?

Blackguard would give the paladin plenty of "internal struggle" material, and allow them to hang on to their humanity. They still get to enjoy all the best things in life - eating, sleeping, crack pairings, et cetera - but at the same time they get to be evil. Yay! Plus, they get a nifty black cape that flows in the wind...

Death Knight would be effectively evil and powerful, but the paladin would be losing their humanity and any hope of redemption. Unfortunately, they lose all the best things in life - the feeling of the wind on their face, the gentle touch of another's love, coffee... But at the same time, they become immortal and much more powerful than they could have ever imagined. And its not so much "internal conflict" as "descent into madness" material, but who's to say that's a bad thing? And its a friggin Lich with a sword - how cool is that?!

Mindless zombie would be... boring. :smallannoyed:



So yeah, Blackguard, or Death Knight? Which would be the be the... most interesting... scenario? I can make either one work great. Blackguard maintains their humanity and has the whole "I could be good again" struggle to work with, but Death Knight's are cooler and have the whole "I can never be good again" realization to subject the character to. Yeah, I know, I'm evil. :smallamused:

[The Dark Fiddler]

I thought it was Miko x Belkar? Or Vaarsuvius x Belkar? (If only because of the "Belkar's romantic interest" thread...)

Psh, it was Dead Goblin 1 x Dead Goblin 2 from the very first comic.

[Shining Sadist]

I would like to request that my Haleys DadxArgent be removed from the list until I find time to make it good. I had no idea that people were actually writing fiction, not just little explanations. Hopefully by this weekend I will have something good to put up.

[BatRobin]

I would like to request that my Haleys DadxArgent be removed from the list until I find time to make it good. I had no idea that people were actually writing fiction, not just little explanations. Hopefully by this weekend I will have something good to put up.

Uhhh...just let someone else write it or let it stay and wait to write it, no reason for removal if you're gonna write it.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Uhhh...just let someone else write it or let it stay and wait to write it, no reason for removal if you're gonna write it.

I think you misunderstood him.

He wants his previous version removed so he can replace it with a superior version.

[BatRobin]

I think you misunderstood him.

He wants his previous version removed so he can replace it with a superior version.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.



*facepalm*

Nevermind my previous post then.

[Ariko]

Why are the pairings I roll 1) involving characters I don't know enough about, 2) boring pairs, or 3) downright terminally insane?

I mean, the last one I got:

Gender-switched Roy's sword + Bone golem Roy

Stuck on a desert island + True love


I mean: what?!?:frown:

I imagine I could write some of it, but how do you deal with a gender-switched sword? In fact, what is a gender-switched sword?

I once got Roy's sword, dragon hoard, and zombie dragon head. all gender switched :smallamused:

[Serebii]

It buuuuuurns! It burns so much... Sniff.

[Lycan 01]

Hm. Nobody wants to weigh in on the Blackguard vs. Death Knight plot debate? Bummer...

Oh well. My girlfriend has advised that Death Knight would be the most... interesting choice. Oh, and Xykon likes the idea (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0373.html), too. So it looks like we're going with Death Knight! :smallbiggrin:

:xykon:: LET THE REAPING BEGIN!!
:roach:: Who let that guy in here?



Miko x Redcloak

PART ONE

Darkness. Miko Miyazaki was in darkness. It was all she could see. She tried to move, but... there was nothing to move. She felt nothing... It was as though her consciousness was lost in a void, with no escape.

She tried to remember. She struggled to recall how she'd ended up here. The memories were few and far between. The Fall... The Gate... The Afterlife... Nothing more than faint glimpses and brief fragments...

Voices. There were voices around her. They were... familiar. Strangely familiar. Miko found herself feeling... alarmed, for some reason. But... why?

The darkness began to fade into a shadowy haze. There were... shapes, in the twilight. Figures... Talking amongst themselves, they leaned in and out of her field of vision. Slowly, the darkness gave way to blurs. And soon, the blurs gave way to faces.

Miko found herself staring into the dark, soul-less eye sockets of the vile Lich known as Xykon, the beady red orbs of evil that served as his pupils focused intently on her. "At last..." he crooned dramatically, "My Queen awakes!"

Miko screamed. And as she heard her own voice, her scream only intensified. Her voice was no longer her own. It had become... hollow. Inhuman... The horror only grew as she realized that no matter how much she screamed, she hadn't yet stopped to take a breath. Needless to say, the screaming did not stop for quite some time...

"Sir, that was totally uncalled for..." Redcloak groaned from Xykon's right, ignoring Miko's terrified shrieks and howls.

"According to you, maybe..." Xykon cheerfully shrugged.

"I wonder how long it will take her to stop screaming?" Tsukiko asked from Xykon's left.

"Who cares? Enjoy it while it lasts..." Xykon replied, basking in his handywork.

"Well, I for one wanted to get this over with as soon as possible..." Redcloak sighed. He suddenly leaned in closer to Miko, and got eye-to-eye with her. "STOP. SCREAMING." he snarled.

Miko stopped screaming. She tried to lash out with her first, but found that her arms were not responding. It seemed as though she was tightly bound, lashed against a wall or some other surface. She narrowed her eyes with the Goblin, and growled: "You... High Priest of the Dark One..." she growled, trying to ignore the unsettling sound of her own voice, "If you think, for one second, that I will allow myself to be that abominations slave, let alone Queen, you are SORELY MISTAKEN!!"

Redcloak sighed. "You've been misled. You are not Xykon's bride-to-be. Consider yourself lucky in that regard..."

"Then why am I here?" Miko growled. "How am I here?"

"You're here because we got bored!" Xykon happily quiped, pushing Redcloak out of the way and leaning in so he himself could be eye-to-eye with Miko. "And as for how..." somehow, his skull seemed to be grinning. "First, we found your body. We thought about turning you into a zombie, but... where's the fun in that?"

"The... fun?" Miko asked, confused, and with a growing sense of dread.

"Oh yes, the fun..." Xykon tilted his head from side to side. "Eventually, we just... um... Redcloak, what did we do with her, again?"

"We left her in storage room 17..." Redcloak sighed. "For three months..."

"So that's where you were hiding her!" Tsukiko whined.

"Right, anyway..." Xykon shrugged, returning his attention to Miko. "So yeah, we got bored. And guess what? You were the cure to our boredome..."

"So... You Resurrected me in order to torture me? Heh heh heh..." Miko chuckled. "Well, I'm sorry to dissappoint you, fiend, but I will give you no such enjoyment. A Paladin of the Sapphire Guard would NEVER succumb to your worst torments!"

"You're right..." Xykon shrugged. "A Paladin of the Sapphire Guard is one tough nut to crack. What was that one guy's name? You know, the beard-y dude?"

"O-Chul..." Redcloak grumbled.

"Right, whatever..." Xykon dismissed Redcloak with a wave of his hand. "Yeah, Beard-y dude never cracked. He was a real great example of what the Sapphire Guard has to offer. But... there's just one problem, in your case. You're no longer a Paladin of the Sapphire Guard..."

"The color of my cape is by no means a representation of my heart..." Miko replied coldly.

"Yeah, it goes a bit beyond you cape, sweetie..." Tsukiko grinned from over Xykon's shoulder, pulling a mirror from behind her back and offering it to Xykon.

"Yeah... As I was saying... You're no longer a Paladin of the Sapphire Guard. You're no longer even remotely good. In fact..." Xykon took the mirror, and held it up in front of Miko's face. "You're no longer even human."

Miko found herself looking at an image of a skull in the mirror. Pale, bleached, and wreathed in long, pitch-black hair, the skull grinned back at her with empty eye sockets and glowing red pupils. The horrid realization that it was her own skull was too much for Miko Miyazaki to bear, and she let loose a hideous, inhuman scream which echoed into oblivion. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!" she howled. She attempted to lunge forward, but the bindings holding her back held strong.

"Um... Well..." Xykon tossed the mirror over his shoulder (:roach:: Isn't that 7 years bad luck?) and began to scratch at his jawbone. "The short answer is, we put all our abilities together and managed to whip you up into a Death Knight."

"HOW DARE YOU TRANSFORM ME INTO SUCH AN UNSPEAKABLE MONSTROSITY!!!!!" Miko snarled, struggling violently to get free and tear the Lich apart.

"But the long answer..." Xykon continued, folding his hands together in a business-like manner, "We've given you a second chance."

"A SECOND CHANCE AT WHAT?!" Miko snarled viciously. "MY LIFE WAS OVER!! I DIED WITH HONOR, AND NO REGRETS!! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO OFFER ME?!"

"Revenge against the people who landed you in this position to start with..." Xykon crooned, "The Order of the Stick."

Miko stopped struggling. "What?"

"Think about it..." Xykon unfolded his hands and tapped his temples. "They did this to you, when you stop and think about it. They ruined your life. They tricked you into doing the things that eventually cost you your Paladin-hood. They robbed you of your glory. Your life. You're honor. But now, you have the chance to right those wrongs. Yes, you're a Death Knight. Yes... you're Evil now. But sometimes, Evil has a purpose in the Greater Good. Murders must be committed so that others may live. Property must be stolen or damaged so that worse consequences can be avoided. Lies must be told so that the truth itself may survive. Sometimes you have to kill cute little animals in order to feed starving children! And in your case... So what if you have to be Evil? The Order of the Stick was, is, and will be worse than anything you could ever be capable of, Paladin or Death Knight. What matters is that the Order of the Stick, the villains that they are, will be held accountable for their actions. They will be punished. They will be purged. By you, in the name of Evil, for purpose of Good. Now... How does that sound to you?"

Miko sat there, contemplating what the Lich had said. Slowly but surely, gears were turning in her head. Finally, Miko locked eyes with Xykon and gave him her answer: "Release me, that I may begin preparing for my purpose."

"That'a girl!" Xykon cheered, clapping his hands together happily. "Redcloak, Tsukiko, release her..." The two underlings came forward, and unstrapped Miko from what turned out to be an up-turned table. As the Paladin-turned-Death Knight slowly staggered forward and tried to steady her balance, Xykon sighed contently. "Her first steps... Oh, I'm so proud!"

"Don't worry..." Redcloak whispered to Miko as she wobbled back and forth, "You'll get used to it."

"Being a monster?" she muttered back at the Goblin.

"No..." Redcloak sighed, "Working with Xykon..."


PHEW!! I thought I'd never be done! :smallbiggrin:



Well... What do ya'll think? :smalleek:

[Dark Faun]

Wow. That's good. Like, really good. You wrote Xykon as the funny villain and the dangerous manipulator he is! Good job.

Wait, does this mean Redcloak will end up kissing a skull? Ew. :smallwink:

Redcloak's smaller font and the demon roach's comment were particularly nice touches.

[TheBibliophile]

Miko x Redcloak

PART ONE

Darkness. Miko Miyazaki was in darkness. It was all she could see. She tried to move, but... there was nothing to move. She felt nothing... It was as though her consciousness was lost in a void, with no escape.

She tried to remember. She struggled to recall how she'd ended up here. The memories were few and far between. The Fall... The Gate... The Afterlife... Nothing more than faint glimpses and brief fragments...

Voices. There were voices around her. They were... familiar. Strangely familiar. Miko found herself feeling... alarmed, for some reason. But... why?

The darkness began to fade into a shadowy haze. There were... shapes, in the twilight. Figures... Talking amongst themselves, they leaned in and out of her field of vision. Slowly, the darkness gave way to blurs. And soon, the blurs gave way to faces.

Miko found herself staring into the dark, soul-less eye sockets of the vile Lich known as Xykon, the beady red orbs of evil that served as his pupils focused intently on her. "At last..." he crooned dramatically, "My Queen awakes!"

Miko screamed. And as she heard her own voice, her scream only intensified. Her voice was no longer her own. It had become... hollow. Inhuman... The horror only grew as she realized that no matter how much she screamed, she hadn't yet stopped to take a breath. Needless to say, the screaming did not stop for quite some time...

"Sir, that was totally uncalled for..." Redcloak groaned from Xykon's right, ignoring Miko's terrified shrieks and howls.

"According to you, maybe..." Xykon cheerfully shrugged.

"I wonder how long it will take her to stop screaming?" Tsukiko asked from Xykon's left.

"Who cares? Enjoy it while it lasts..." Xykon replied, basking in his handywork.

"Well, I for one wanted to get this over with as soon as possible..." Redcloak sighed. He suddenly leaned in closer to Miko, and got eye-to-eye with her. "STOP. SCREAMING." he snarled.

Miko stopped screaming. She tried to lash out with her first, but found that her arms were not responding. It seemed as though she was tightly bound, lashed against a wall or some other surface. She narrowed her eyes with the Goblin, and growled: "You... High Priest of the Dark One..." she growled, trying to ignore the unsettling sound of her own voice, "If you think, for one second, that I will allow myself to be that abominations slave, let alone Queen, you are SORELY MISTAKEN!!"

Redcloak sighed. "You've been misled. You are not Xykon's bride-to-be. Consider yourself lucky in that regard..."

"Then why am I here?" Miko growled. "How am I here?"

"You're here because we got bored!" Xykon happily quiped, pushing Redcloak out of the way and leaning in so he himself could be eye-to-eye with Miko. "And as for how..." somehow, his skull seemed to be grinning. "First, we found your body. We thought about turning you into a zombie, but... where's the fun in that?"

"The... fun?" Miko asked, confused, and with a growing sense of dread.

"Oh yes, the fun..." Xykon tilted his head from side to side. "Eventually, we just... um... Redcloak, what did we do with her, again?"

"We left her in storage room 17..." Redcloak sighed. "For three months..."

"So that's where you were hiding her!" Tsukiko whined.

"Right, anyway..." Xykon shrugged, returning his attention to Miko. "So yeah, we got bored. And guess what? You were the cure to our boredome..."

"So... You Resurrected me in order to torture me? Heh heh heh..." Miko chuckled. "Well, I'm sorry to dissappoint you, fiend, but I will give you no such enjoyment. A Paladin of the Sapphire Guard would NEVER succumb to your worst torments!"

"You're right..." Xykon shrugged. "A Paladin of the Sapphire Guard is one tough nut to crack. What was that one guy's name? You know, the beard-y dude?"

"O-Chul..." Redcloak grumbled.

"Right, whatever..." Xykon dismissed Redcloak with a wave of his hand. "Yeah, Beard-y dude never cracked. He was a real great example of what the Sapphire Guard has to offer. But... there's just one problem, in your case. You're no longer a Paladin of the Sapphire Guard..."

"The color of my cape is by no means a representation of my heart..." Miko replied coldly.

"Yeah, it goes a bit beyond you cape, sweetie..." Tsukiko grinned from over Xykon's shoulder, pulling a mirror from behind her back and offering it to Xykon.

"Yeah... As I was saying... You're no longer a Paladin of the Sapphire Guard. You're no longer even remotely good. In fact..." Xykon took the mirror, and held it up in front of Miko's face. "You're no longer even human."

Miko found herself looking at an image of a skull in the mirror. Pale, bleached, and wreathed in long, pitch-black hair, the skull grinned back at her with empty eye sockets and glowing red pupils. The horrid realization that it was her own skull was too much for Miko Miyazaki to bear, and she let loose a hideous, inhuman scream which echoed into oblivion. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!" she howled. She attempted to lunge forward, but the bindings holding her back held strong.

"Um... Well..." Xykon tossed the mirror over his shoulder (:roach:: Isn't that 7 years bad luck?) and began to scratch at his jawbone. "The short answer is, we put all our abilities together and managed to whip you up into a Death Knight."

"HOW DARE YOU TRANSFORM ME INTO SUCH AN UNSPEAKABLE MONSTROSITY!!!!!" Miko snarled, struggling violently to get free and tear the Lich apart.

"But the long answer..." Xykon continued, folding his hands together in a business-like manner, "We've given you a second chance."

"A SECOND CHANCE AT WHAT?!" Miko snarled viciously. "MY LIFE WAS OVER!! I DIED WITH HONOR, AND NO REGRETS!! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO OFFER ME?!"

"Revenge against the people who landed you in this position to start with..." Xykon crooned, "The Order of the Stick."

Miko stopped struggling. "What?"

"Think about it..." Xykon unfolded his hands and tapped his temples. "They did this to you, when you stop and think about it. They ruined your life. They tricked you into doing the things that eventually cost you your Paladin-hood. They robbed you of your glory. Your life. You're honor. But now, you have the chance to right those wrongs. Yes, you're a Death Knight. Yes... you're Evil now. But sometimes, Evil has a purpose in the Greater Good. Murders must be committed so that others may live. Property must be stolen or damaged so that worse consequences can be avoided. Lies must be told so that the truth itself may survive. Sometimes you have to kill cute little animals in order to feed starving children! And in your case... So what if you have to be Evil? The Order of the Stick was, is, and will be worse than anything you could ever be capable of, Paladin or Death Knight. What matters is that the Order of the Stick, the villains that they are, will be held accountable for their actions. They will be punished. They will be purged. By you, in the name of Evil, for purpose of Good. Now... How does that sound to you?"

Miko sat there, contemplating what the Lich had said. Slowly but surely, gears were turning in her head. Finally, Miko locked eyes with Xykon and gave him her answer: "Release me, that I may begin preparing for my purpose."

"That'a girl!" Xykon cheered, clapping his hands together happily. "Redcloak, Tsukiko, release her..." The two underlings came forward, and unstrapped Miko from what turned out to be an up-turned table. As the Paladin-turned-Death Knight slowly staggered forward and tried to steady her balance, Xykon sighed contently. "Her first steps... Oh, I'm so proud!"

"Don't worry..." Redcloak whispered to Miko as she wobbled back and forth, "You'll get used to it."

"Being a monster?" she muttered back at the Goblin.

"No..." Redcloak sighed, "Working with Xykon..."


PHEW!! I thought I'd never be done! :smallbiggrin:



Well... What do ya'll think? :smalleek:

I like it. I like it very much.

I can't wait for the next installment!

[Kaytara]

I second the above posts. That little tidbit was very well-handled and sounds promising.

Here's my promised shot of the Vaarsuvius x Durkon pairing I rolled. XD

Nighttime was early, Durkon could tell by glancing out the window. The warm glow of the setting sun was hidden by heavy clouds. It did not bode well for the weather, but being the resident dwarf who could never remember in which direction the port stern was, Durkon had enough wisdom to let the human sailors worry about that. Worst came to worst, he could always try his luck controlling the weather with the aid of Thor.

Content with that for the time being, the dwarf knelt back down and resumed vigourously cleaning his armour, furiously dragging the rag back and forth over the plates. It was another reason he preferred it over chainmail, crucial beard logistics notwithstanding.

Time to settle in for the night. Setting the armour by the bed in his modest cabin, Durkon strode outside and up the stairs for a breath of fresh sea air before sleep. Coming above deck, he muttered a prayer to Thor and casually glanced at where the sun had set minutes ago.

And stopped.

The elf was there, back turned towards him, shoulders tense and hands gripping the railing as he – or she, Durkon had never been quite sure – stared at the sea. The red robes were noticeably worn with lack of care and the hair was one messy purple snarl on the elf's head, the yellow headband not doing much at keeping it orderly.

Durkon frowned, shifting his weight. Considering the way the elf had denounced basic necessities such as sleep, fresh air and breaks once in a while, it was odd to see her above deck doing something that showed a conspicuous lack of anything remotely arcane.

As he edged forward, searching for a greeting that would not send the wizard slinking back into his cabin with a huff, Vaarsuvius flinched, head spinning around to face the dwarf.

“Durkon,” Vaarsuvius nodded tersely and the dwarf could not suppress a wince.

“Thor's earplugs, V, what're ye lettin' yerself come ta?!” he snorted with distress, studying the elf's features disapprovingly. The elf's silly sleepless research marathon was obviously still ongoing. Far more than just the shadows under the eyes and the showing veins, V's face was becoming a pasty grey in colour that was downright unsettling to look at.

“I'll assume that particular inquiry was rhetorical,” the elf said, glaring at the dwarf, and Durkon cursed himself for not being able to tactfully forgo comment for once. “Seeing as otherwise there is no purpose in your question when the answer is clearly before you and has prompted said question, in the first place.” The elf edged away, glaring at nothing in particular. “Durkon, if my resumed presence at this location means that I am to endure another lecture, I-”

“Naw, ne'er mind aboot tha',” Durkon shook his head with a dismissive gesture. “I meant ta say... Good ta see ye above deck fer a change. Enjoyin' tha ev'ning?”

“I was,” the elf replied drily. She shifted, uncertainty showing in her motions, but did not seem about to bolt in the direction of the cabins again, which was a good sign, as far as trying to talk some sense into her was concerned. When Durkon didn't reply, too busy mulling over that problem with a frown showing through his beard, the elf turned to look at the sky again. It then occurred to the Durkon that Vaarsuvius was not, in fact, out for a break of fresh air. The expression was anything but relaxed – on the contrary, it was tense and slightly hostile and exhausted beyond all description and as the elf scanned the skies it even seemed somehow... expectant?

The birds.

The elf was still waiting for the bloody birds. Even though it had been – what? Two, three weeks since they'd been released? It told nothing good about his research if he was now up on the deck holding out for that bit of hope. Nothing good at all.

Some of those thoughts must have shown, because Vaarsuvius glanced at him and turned away at once, face scrunching up, eyebrows knitted. The silence hung in the air, only the hum of the wind and the steady breaking of the waves disturbing it.

Durkon didn't know what to say. His cleric's training was more about healing physical wounds and the like. Convincing an irrational elf crazed with proving his own merit to go about it in a less self-destructive way was a tentative and subtle business, and way out of his field. They had seemingly been friends or at least good comrades not so long ago, but now, as the tension hung in the air, he didn't know what to say.

“Um... Nice weather, innit?” he tried nervously.
The look he received was one of a poofed-up peackock displaying stupefied disbelief. Durkon sighed. So much for tact.

“V, ye need ta listen ta me!” The uncomfortable silence shattered but the tension increased ten-fold. V shut his eyes, sighing in frustration and annoyance. He turned away, but Durkon strode closer. “This ain't healthy, how ye're buryin' yerself so complet'ly in all o' this!”

“I am open to any suggestion about how we may most efficiently progress in our mission that does not include abandoning our comrades and powerful allies in the clutches of a horrifically evil lich,” Vaarsuvius replied, not looking at him but staring at the ocean, his posture stiff. “As it stands, unless you have something useful to say for once, I would advise you to allow me to maintain my own autonomy as far as magical research is-”

“Tha's na what I'm talkin' aboot an' ye know it!” Durkon exclaimed. “Ye're losin' sight of tha mission, V! Tell me honestly – izzis really aboot savin' Roy an' Haley or izzit now aboot ye proving tha' ye can save 'em?”

Vaarsuvius' eyes flashed with hurt and anger and a flicker of a strangely haunted look somewhere as he spun around to face the dwarf, head held high and spine straightened and looming several inches above him, his twig of a body undermining the otherwise powerful impression. “Barring the unlikely scenario that you care and this is some twisted attempt at helping me achieve a greater clarity and balance, either of those two should be fine for our purposes, don't you think?” Vaarsuvius hissed, glaring down. “I succeed in locating them and can thus satisfy my apparently burning need to defeat each and every spell whose power happens to trump my own and you receive the chance to reunite with your old friend and finally resume progress in the mission. We all win,” he snapped, biting off each syllable. With another pointed glare, he spun around and headed for the stairs.

The elf stopped with a jerk, head turning in surprise in a blur of purple to see a glowering Durkon and his burly hand grasped firmly around the elf's wrist.

“Na ye don't,” Durkon grumbled even as the elf's eyes narrowed in anger at this violation of personal space, “I've been lettin' ye fend fer yerself far too long. Now listen here, ye foolish slip of an elf – I do consider ye a friend an' I do care enuff tha' I'm not gonna let ye rot away in tha' research like ye've been doin'!”

“Unless you are planning to physically restrain me from touching my books again, in which case I will be forced to resist,” Vaarsuvius glowered, glaring at Durkon's fingers still clenched around his bony wrist, “I strongly doubt there is anything you can do to improve the situation.”

“We'll see aboot tha',” Durkon snorted and started dragging the elf away. Force was not his favoured approach, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“What- Where are you taking me?” the elf protested, indignation in every syllable. He seemed unable to make up his mind on whether or not to actually actively resist the much stronger dwarf or submit to his wishes.

“Tha kitchen,” Durkon replied. Surprise made V cease his struggling for a moment.

“The reason being?” he asked, frowning in confusion.

“Ye're too skinny.”

“...Have you lost your mind?”

Durkon snorted and tightened his grip.

To be continued...

[Dra-Goon]

Gender-switched Roy's sword + Bone golem Roy

Stuck on a desert island + True love


And then, yesterday evening, I realized I could actually write it. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

[Funky Goose]

Someone wanted Julia/Sword???
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/g3217.png
My current avvie is not on list :smallfrown:
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/g4008.png
And for people asking after peter
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/Peter1.png

Enjoyz

[Silverraptor]

Someone wanted Julia/Sword???
http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/g3217.png

Enjoyz

I think you may want to put some close on her. Just to be safe you know. Otherwise, it looks good.

[Kaytara]

Lira, apparently my photobucket account has screwed me over. XD In other words, those pictures I did currently aren't showing. I reuploaded them elsewhere, I'd be obliged if you could replace the links in the compilation with the right ones. :)


http://img179.imageshack.us/img179/2879/vstudying.png
http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/9021/vredcloak.png
http://img12.imageshack.us/img12/5314/pris2.png

[Silverraptor]

Since I'm deliberately avoiding what I'm supposed to be doing. I rolled up another story. Here goes.

*Door creaks open*

"Ah, Varrsuvius, excellent. And who are you?"

"Celia, I will be representing Varrsuvius during the divorce case."

"Ah, yes. Please sit down." They sit. "As you know, Inkyrius is suing for grounds for divorce, am I right Inkyrius"

"Yes." Says Inkyrius in a corner that they didn't know was there. "I feel that Varrsuvius has paid more attention in his magic then in me and is proposing a danger to our children."

"Right, quite right, so lets get down to business then."

"If you please, I would like to leave for a moment. Being in the same room with Suvie is bring back... memories that may make this.. difficult."

"Alright, go ahead. I'll take care of things until you get back."

"Thank you!" And Inkyrius quickly exits. The door closes with a snap and Inkyrius takes some steadying breaths. All those years, all they're time together, had Suvie ever treasured those or view them as a waste of time from magic? Inkyrius turns and walks down the hall. At an intersection in the halls, Inkyrius sees Varrsuvius's party just standing around. They look rather unhappy, though that may be because of the Halfling. He does seem to be the source of the argument for some reason. Inkyrius continues the walk, leaving the party of 4 from sight. After walking down further, Inkyrius got disoriented from what direction was which. The halls look the same.

"Have you gotten lost?"

Inkyrius whirls around to see a female human with short red hair and rather revealing clothes. "Maybe a little."

"So your Varrsuvius's mate, huh? V told me so much about you."

"Your another one of Suvie's 'Friends', I take it?"

"Yup, the names Haley. I've been traveling with V for alot longer then the rest of the group. So what kind of danger is V putting your children in?"

Inkyrius looks at Haley open mouthed. "How do you know that?"

"Rogues got good skills at sneaking around and listening at doors."

"Oh... well... Suvie has been rather aggressive in the search for power. I'm afraid that in end result will be children graves."

"Oh, V is like that, but can be turned away from the power hungry search for magic. I've done that several times when we were bunking in the same dorms together."

"Suvie does? How did you do that?"

"Well..." Haley opens a door to a broom closet. "Lets just say that it takes a type of persuasion. I'll teach you how if you like." Haley gently pulls Inkyrius into the closet.

Inkyrius suspects whats going to happen, but let events transpire. After all, what else will get the mind off of what's happened. "Please, what type of persuasion is it?"

"Well..." Haley Locks the door from the inside. "It all has to do with offering someone something a little more pleasure then what they're looking for." Starts to lift up her top.

Inkyrius stares at the undressing human, paralyzed to the ground. "And, this will get Suvie to pay more attention to me then the magic?"

"You guessed it. Here let me help you." Starts to pull off Inkyrius's clothes. "And you call V 'Suvie'? That's a cute pet name. What pet name does V have for you?"

Inkyrius, stands there as the last of the garments fall to the ground. "I'm... kn-known... as 'Kyrie'."

"Well, Kyrie..." Hands wrap around Inkyrius back as Haley pulls herself tight to Inkyrius. "Better take notes, this is your first lesson." And she put her tender lips on Inkyrius and there was nothing more to resist. Inkyrius joined the fray just as vigoursly...

Oh... Gods!:smalleek: I actually scared myself. I had no idea I could do something like this, or that it would go this far.

Uhhhh... C-Comments?

[Lycan 01]

Wow, you guys really like my idea, huh? Sweetness! :smallbiggrin:

Any constructive criticism? Complaints? Suggestions?


I'll work on the second chapter later on today, if I get the chance. I've got a general idea of how it's going to go, but I need to fine tune a few details, like character interaction and Miko's equipment. Specifically, what sort of armor to give her... Black plate is a bit too cliche, but then again, what isn't cliche in OotS? :smallwink: Any suggestions?



I think you may want to put some close on her. Just to be safe you know. Otherwise, it looks good.

I agree. That banner just pushes the envelope a bit too far... :smalleek:

Oh, and Silver, interesting tale. No explaination as to why Haley is going behind Elan's back, though? :smalltongue:

[Zanaril]

Oh... Gods!:smalleek: I actually scared myself. I had no idea I could do something like this, or that it would go this far.

Uhhhh... C-Comments?

I have a feeling V and Ceila are going to be waiting for a long time.

[TheBibliophile]

I second the above posts. That little tidbit was very well-handled and sounds promising.

Here's my promised shot of the Vaarsuvius x Durkon pairing I rolled. XD

Nighttime was early, Durkon could tell by glancing out the window. The warm glow of the setting sun was hidden by heavy clouds. It did not bode well for the weather, but being the resident dwarf who could never remember in which direction the port stern was, Durkon had enough wisdom to let the human sailors worry about that. Worst came to worst, he could always try his luck controlling the weather with the aid of Thor.

Content with that for the time being, the dwarf knelt back down and resumed vigourously cleaning his armour, furiously dragging the rag back and forth over the plates. It was another reason he preferred it over chainmail, crucial beard logistics notwithstanding.

Time to settle in for the knight. Setting the armour by the bed in his modest cabin, Durkon strode outside and up the stairs for a breath of fresh sea air before sleep. Coming above deck, he muttered a prayer to Thor and casually glanced at where the sun had set minutes ago.

And stopped.

The elf was there, back turned towards him, shoulders tense and hands gripping the railing as he – or she, Durkon had never been quite sure – stared at the sea. The red robes were noticeably worn with lack of care and the hair was one messy purple snarl on the elf's head, the yellow headband not doing much at keeping it orderly.

Durkon frowned, shifting his weight. Considering the way the elf had denounced basic necessities such as sleep, fresh air and breaks once in a while, it was odd to see her above deck doing something that showed a conspicuous lack of anything remotely arcane.

As he edged forward, searching for a greeting that would not send the wizard slinking back into his cabin with a huff, Vaarsuvius flinched, head spinning around to face the dwarf.

“Durkon,” Vaarsuvius nodded tersely and the dwarf could not suppress a wince.

“Thor's earplugs, V, what're ye lettin' yerself come ta?!” he snorted with distress, studying the elf's features disapprovingly. The elf's silly sleepless research marathon was obviously still ongoing. Far more than just the shadows under the eyes and the showing veins, V's face was becoming a pasty grey in colour that was downright unsettling to look at.

“I'll assume that particular inquiry was rhetorical,” the elf said, glaring at the dwarf, and Durkon cursed himself for not being able to tactfully forgo comment for once. “Seeing as otherwise there is no purpose in your question when the answer is clearly before you and has prompted said question, in the first place.” The elf edged away, glaring at nothing in particular. “Durkon, if my resumed presence at this location means that I am to endure another lecture, I-”

“Naw, ne'er mind aboot tha',” Durkon shook his head with a dismissive gesture. “I meant ta say... Good ta see ye above deck fer a change. Enjoyin' tha ev'ning?”

“I was,” the elf replied drily. She shifted, uncertainty showing in her motions, but did not seem about to bolt in the direction of the cabins again, which was a good sign, as far as trying to talk some sense into her was concerned. When Durkon didn't reply, too busy mulling over that problem with a frown showing through his beard, the elf turned to look at the sky again. It then occurred to the Durkon that Vaarsuvius was not, in fact, out for a break of fresh air. The expression was anything but relaxed – on the contrary, it was tense and slightly hostile and exhausted beyond all description and as the elf scanned the skies it even seemed somehow... expectant?

The birds.

The elf was still waiting for the bloody birds. Even though it had been – what? Two, three weeks since they'd been released? It told nothing good about his research if he was now up on the deck holding out for that bit of hope. Nothing good at all.

Some of those thoughts must have shown, because Vaarsuvius glanced at him and turned away at once, face scrunching up, eyebrows knitted. The silence hung in the air, only the hum of the wind and the steady breaking of the waves disturbing it.

Durkon didn't know what to say. His cleric's training was more about healing physical wounds and the like. Convincing an irrational elf crazed with proving his own merit to go about it in a less self-destructive way was a tentative and subtle business, and way out of his field. They had seemingly been friends or at least good comrades not so long ago, but now, as the tension hung in the air, he didn't know what to say.

“Um... Nice weather, innit?” he tried nervously.
The look he received was one of a poofed-up peackock displaying stupefied disbelief. Durkon sighed. So much for tact.

“V, ye need ta listen ta me!” The uncomfortable silence shattered but the tension increased ten-fold. V shut his eyes, sighing in frustration and annoyance. He turned away, but Durkon strode closer. “This ain't healthy, how ye're buryin' yerself so complet'ly in all o' this!”

“I am open to any suggestion about how we may most efficiently progress in our mission that does not include abandoning our comrades and powerful allies in the clutches of a horrifically evil lich,” Vaarsuvius replied, not looking at him but staring at the ocean, his posture stiff. “As it stands, unless you have something useful to say for once, I would advise you to allow me to maintain my own autonomy as far as magical research is-”

“Tha's na what I'm talkin' aboot an' ye know it!” Durkon exclaimed. “Ye're losin' sight of tha mission, V! Tell me honestly – izzis really aboot savin' Roy an' Haley or izzit now aboot ye proving tha' ye can save 'em?”

Vaarsuvius' eyes flashed with hurt and anger and a flicker of a strangely haunted look somewhere as he spun around to face the dwarf, head held high and spine straightened and looming several inches above him, his twig of a body undermining the otherwise powerful impression. “Barring the unlikely scenario that you care and this is some twisted attempt at helping me achieve a greater clarity and balance, either of those two should be fine for our purposes, don't you think?” Vaarsuvius hissed, glaring down. “I succeed in locating them and can thus satisfy my apparently burning need to defeat each and every spell whose power happens to trump my own and you receive the chance to reunite with your old friend and finally resume progress in the mission. We all win,” he snapped, biting off each syllable. With another pointed glare, he spun around and headed for the stairs.

The elf stopped with a jerk, head turning in surprise in a blur of purple to see a glowering Durkon and his burly hand grasped firmly around the elf's wrist.

“Na ye don't,” Durkon grumbled even as the elf's eyes narrowed in anger at this violation of personal space, “I've been lettin' ye fend fer yerself far too long. Now listen here, ye foolish slip of an elf – I do consider ye a friend an' I do care enuff tha' I'm not gonna let ye rot away in tha' research like ye've been doin'!”

“Unless you are planning to physically restrain me from touching my books again, in which case I will be forced to resist,” Vaarsuvius glowered, glaring at Durkon's fingers still clenched around his bony wrist, “I strongly doubt there is anything you can do to improve the situation.”

“We'll see aboot tha',” Durkon snorted and started dragging the elf away. Force was not his favoured approach, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“What- Where are you taking me?” the elf protested, indignation in every syllable. He seemed unable to make up his mind on whether or not to actually actively resist the much stronger dwarf or submit to his wishes.

“Tha kitchen,” Durkon replied. Surprise made V cease his struggling for a moment.

“The reason being?” he asked, frowning in confusion.

“Ye're too skinny.”

“...Have you lost your mind?”

Durkon snorted and tightened his grip.

To be continued...


Since I'm deliberately avoiding what I'm supposed to be doing. I rolled up another story. Here goes.

*Door creaks open*

"Ah, Varrsuvius, excellent. And who are you?"

"Celia, I will be representing Varrsuvius during the divorce case."

"Ah, yes. Please sit down." They sit. "As you know, Inkyrius is suing for grounds for divorce, am I right Inkyrius"

"Yes." Says Inkyrius in a corner that they didn't know was there. "I feel that Varrsuvius has paid more attention in his magic then in me and is proposing a danger to our children."

"Right, quite right, so lets get down to business then."

"If you please, I would like to leave for a moment. Being in the same room with Suvie is bring back... memories that may make this.. difficult."

"Alright, go ahead. I'll take care of things until you get back."

"Thank you!" And Inkyrius quickly exits. The door closes with a snap and Inkyrius takes some steadying breaths. All those years, all they're time together, had Suvie ever treasured those or view them as a waste of time from magic? Inkyrius turns and walks down the hall. At an intersection in the halls, Inkyrius sees Varrsuvius's party just standing around. They look rather unhappy, though that may be because of the Halfling. He does seem to be the source of the argument for some reason. Inkyrius continues the walk, leaving the party of 4 from sight. After walking down further, Inkyrius got disoriented from what direction was which. The halls look the same.

"Have you gotten lost?"

Inkyrius whirls around to see a female human with short red hair and rather revealing clothes. "Maybe a little."

"So your Varrsuvius's mate, huh? V told me so much about you."

"Your another one of Suvie's 'Friends', I take it?"

"Yup, the names Haley. I've been traveling with V for alot longer then the rest of the group. So what kind of danger is V putting your children in?"

Inkyrius looks at Haley open mouthed. "How do you know that?"

"Rogues got good skills at sneaking around and listening at doors."

"Oh... well... Suvie has been rather aggressive in the search for power. I'm afraid that in end result will be children graves."

"Oh, V is like that, but can be turned away from the power hungry search for magic. I've done that several times when we were bunking in the same dorms together."

"Suvie does? How did you do that?"

"Well..." Haley opens a door to a broom closet. "Lets just say that it takes a type of persuasion. I'll teach you how if you like." Haley gently pulls Inkyrius into the closet.

Inkyrius suspects whats going to happen, but let events transpire. After all, what else will get the mind off of what's happened. "Please, what type of persuasion is it?"

"Well..." Haley Locks the door from the inside. "It all has to do with offering someone something a little more pleasure then what they're looking for." Starts to lift up her top.

Inkyrius stares at the undressing human, paralyzed to the ground. "And, this will get Suvie to pay more attention to me then the magic?"

"You guessed it. Here let me help you." Starts to pull off Inkyrius's clothes. "And you call V 'Suvie'? That's a cute pet name. What pet name does V have for you?"

Inkyrius, stands there as the last of the garments fall to the ground. "I'm... kn-known... as 'Kyrie'."

"Well, Kyrie..." Hands wrap around Inkyrius back as Haley pulls herself tight to Inkyrius. "Better take notes, this is your first lesson." And she put her tender lips on Inkyrius and there was nothing more to resist. Inkyrius joined the fray just as vigoursly...

Oh... Gods!:smalleek: I actually scared myself. I had no idea I could do something like this, or that it would go this far.

Uhhhh... C-Comments?

I love where both of these are going.

One comment, Kaytara. In paragraph 3 of your story, "night" is replaced by "knight". :smalltongue:

[Kaytara]

I love where both of these are going.

One comment, Kaytara. In paragraph 3 of your story, "night" is replaced by "knight". :smalltongue:

...

"Settle in for the knight".

Why does every typo sound like innuendo in this thread? :smalleek:

[Belkster11]

I wonder what crack paring I should do next?

Inkyrius and Hilgya? No, too angsty for my taste.

[Zanaril]

...

"Settle in for the knight".

Why does every typo sound like innuendo in this thread? :smalleek:

It happens on other threads too!

[Silverraptor]

Oh, and Silver, interesting tale. No explaination as to why Haley is going behind Elan's back, though? :smalltongue:

Does it really need it?:smallamused:

[Sgeo]

For the insane pairings thing.. It's currently possible to get a result like (Gender-switched (Elan + Durkon)). It's also an "issue" with the tables, so I'm not going to fix it.

[Taekwondodo]

I second the above posts. That little tidbit was very well-handled and sounds promising.

Here's my promised shot of the Vaarsuvius x Durkon pairing I rolled. XD

Nighttime was early, Durkon could tell by glancing out the window. The warm glow of the setting sun was hidden by heavy clouds. It did not bode well for the weather, but being the resident dwarf who could never remember in which direction the port stern was, Durkon had enough wisdom to let the human sailors worry about that. Worst came to worst, he could always try his luck controlling the weather with the aid of Thor.

Content with that for the time being, the dwarf knelt back down and resumed vigourously cleaning his armour, furiously dragging the rag back and forth over the plates. It was another reason he preferred it over chainmail, crucial beard logistics notwithstanding.

Time to settle in for the night. Setting the armour by the bed in his modest cabin, Durkon strode outside and up the stairs for a breath of fresh sea air before sleep. Coming above deck, he muttered a prayer to Thor and casually glanced at where the sun had set minutes ago.

And stopped.

The elf was there, back turned towards him, shoulders tense and hands gripping the railing as he – or she, Durkon had never been quite sure – stared at the sea. The red robes were noticeably worn with lack of care and the hair was one messy purple snarl on the elf's head, the yellow headband not doing much at keeping it orderly.

Durkon frowned, shifting his weight. Considering the way the elf had denounced basic necessities such as sleep, fresh air and breaks once in a while, it was odd to see her above deck doing something that showed a conspicuous lack of anything remotely arcane.

As he edged forward, searching for a greeting that would not send the wizard slinking back into his cabin with a huff, Vaarsuvius flinched, head spinning around to face the dwarf.

“Durkon,” Vaarsuvius nodded tersely and the dwarf could not suppress a wince.

“Thor's earplugs, V, what're ye lettin' yerself come ta?!” he snorted with distress, studying the elf's features disapprovingly. The elf's silly sleepless research marathon was obviously still ongoing. Far more than just the shadows under the eyes and the showing veins, V's face was becoming a pasty grey in colour that was downright unsettling to look at.

“I'll assume that particular inquiry was rhetorical,” the elf said, glaring at the dwarf, and Durkon cursed himself for not being able to tactfully forgo comment for once. “Seeing as otherwise there is no purpose in your question when the answer is clearly before you and has prompted said question, in the first place.” The elf edged away, glaring at nothing in particular. “Durkon, if my resumed presence at this location means that I am to endure another lecture, I-”

“Naw, ne'er mind aboot tha',” Durkon shook his head with a dismissive gesture. “I meant ta say... Good ta see ye above deck fer a change. Enjoyin' tha ev'ning?”

“I was,” the elf replied drily. She shifted, uncertainty showing in her motions, but did not seem about to bolt in the direction of the cabins again, which was a good sign, as far as trying to talk some sense into her was concerned. When Durkon didn't reply, too busy mulling over that problem with a frown showing through his beard, the elf turned to look at the sky again. It then occurred to the Durkon that Vaarsuvius was not, in fact, out for a break of fresh air. The expression was anything but relaxed – on the contrary, it was tense and slightly hostile and exhausted beyond all description and as the elf scanned the skies it even seemed somehow... expectant?

The birds.

The elf was still waiting for the bloody birds. Even though it had been – what? Two, three weeks since they'd been released? It told nothing good about his research if he was now up on the deck holding out for that bit of hope. Nothing good at all.

Some of those thoughts must have shown, because Vaarsuvius glanced at him and turned away at once, face scrunching up, eyebrows knitted. The silence hung in the air, only the hum of the wind and the steady breaking of the waves disturbing it.

Durkon didn't know what to say. His cleric's training was more about healing physical wounds and the like. Convincing an irrational elf crazed with proving his own merit to go about it in a less self-destructive way was a tentative and subtle business, and way out of his field. They had seemingly been friends or at least good comrades not so long ago, but now, as the tension hung in the air, he didn't know what to say.

“Um... Nice weather, innit?” he tried nervously.
The look he received was one of a poofed-up peackock displaying stupefied disbelief. Durkon sighed. So much for tact.

“V, ye need ta listen ta me!” The uncomfortable silence shattered but the tension increased ten-fold. V shut his eyes, sighing in frustration and annoyance. He turned away, but Durkon strode closer. “This ain't healthy, how ye're buryin' yerself so complet'ly in all o' this!”

“I am open to any suggestion about how we may most efficiently progress in our mission that does not include abandoning our comrades and powerful allies in the clutches of a horrifically evil lich,” Vaarsuvius replied, not looking at him but staring at the ocean, his posture stiff. “As it stands, unless you have something useful to say for once, I would advise you to allow me to maintain my own autonomy as far as magical research is-”

“Tha's na what I'm talkin' aboot an' ye know it!” Durkon exclaimed. “Ye're losin' sight of tha mission, V! Tell me honestly – izzis really aboot savin' Roy an' Haley or izzit now aboot ye proving tha' ye can save 'em?”

Vaarsuvius' eyes flashed with hurt and anger and a flicker of a strangely haunted look somewhere as he spun around to face the dwarf, head held high and spine straightened and looming several inches above him, his twig of a body undermining the otherwise powerful impression. “Barring the unlikely scenario that you care and this is some twisted attempt at helping me achieve a greater clarity and balance, either of those two should be fine for our purposes, don't you think?” Vaarsuvius hissed, glaring down. “I succeed in locating them and can thus satisfy my apparently burning need to defeat each and every spell whose power happens to trump my own and you receive the chance to reunite with your old friend and finally resume progress in the mission. We all win,” he snapped, biting off each syllable. With another pointed glare, he spun around and headed for the stairs.

The elf stopped with a jerk, head turning in surprise in a blur of purple to see a glowering Durkon and his burly hand grasped firmly around the elf's wrist.

“Na ye don't,” Durkon grumbled even as the elf's eyes narrowed in anger at this violation of personal space, “I've been lettin' ye fend fer yerself far too long. Now listen here, ye foolish slip of an elf – I do consider ye a friend an' I do care enuff tha' I'm not gonna let ye rot away in tha' research like ye've been doin'!”

“Unless you are planning to physically restrain me from touching my books again, in which case I will be forced to resist,” Vaarsuvius glowered, glaring at Durkon's fingers still clenched around his bony wrist, “I strongly doubt there is anything you can do to improve the situation.”

“We'll see aboot tha',” Durkon snorted and started dragging the elf away. Force was not his favoured approach, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“What- Where are you taking me?” the elf protested, indignation in every syllable. He seemed unable to make up his mind on whether or not to actually actively resist the much stronger dwarf or submit to his wishes.

“Tha kitchen,” Durkon replied. Surprise made V cease his struggling for a moment.

“The reason being?” he asked, frowning in confusion.

“Ye're too skinny.”

“...Have you lost your mind?”

Durkon snorted and tightened his grip.

To be continued...

V. promising start, more!

As for Silverraptor's story, I've always seen Haley as rather promiscuous, but Kyrie's ready acceptance of her advances feels surprising.

Waiting with baited breath for contest Dark Fiddler... (if you still decide to do one)

EDIT: Julio Scoundrel + (Gender-switched Nale)/True love
Am so writing that!

EDIT2: Hayley + Elan/ True Love - to actually roll that is quite surprising!

[Silverraptor]

Come to think of it... who has seen my first story?:smallconfused:

[t_catt11]

Miko x Redcloak

PART ONE

Darkness. Miko Miyazaki was in darkness. It was all she could see. She tried to move, but... there was nothing to move. She felt nothing... It was as though her consciousness was lost in a void, with no escape.

She tried to remember. She struggled to recall how she'd ended up here. The memories were few and far between. The Fall... The Gate... The Afterlife... Nothing more than faint glimpses and brief fragments...

Voices. There were voices around her. They were... familiar. Strangely familiar. Miko found herself feeling... alarmed, for some reason. But... why?

The darkness began to fade into a shadowy haze. There were... shapes, in the twilight. Figures... Talking amongst themselves, they leaned in and out of her field of vision. Slowly, the darkness gave way to blurs. And soon, the blurs gave way to faces.

Miko found herself staring into the dark, soul-less eye sockets of the vile Lich known as Xykon, the beady red orbs of evil that served as his pupils focused intently on her. "At last..." he crooned dramatically, "My Queen awakes!"

Miko screamed. And as she heard her own voice, her scream only intensified. Her voice was no longer her own. It had become... hollow. Inhuman... The horror only grew as she realized that no matter how much she screamed, she hadn't yet stopped to take a breath. Needless to say, the screaming did not stop for quite some time...

"Sir, that was totally uncalled for..." Redcloak groaned from Xykon's right, ignoring Miko's terrified shrieks and howls.

"According to you, maybe..." Xykon cheerfully shrugged.

"I wonder how long it will take her to stop screaming?" Tsukiko asked from Xykon's left.

"Who cares? Enjoy it while it lasts..." Xykon replied, basking in his handywork.

"Well, I for one wanted to get this over with as soon as possible..." Redcloak sighed. He suddenly leaned in closer to Miko, and got eye-to-eye with her. "STOP. SCREAMING." he snarled.

Miko stopped screaming. She tried to lash out with her first, but found that her arms were not responding. It seemed as though she was tightly bound, lashed against a wall or some other surface. She narrowed her eyes with the Goblin, and growled: "You... High Priest of the Dark One..." she growled, trying to ignore the unsettling sound of her own voice, "If you think, for one second, that I will allow myself to be that abominations slave, let alone Queen, you are SORELY MISTAKEN!!"

Redcloak sighed. "You've been misled. You are not Xykon's bride-to-be. Consider yourself lucky in that regard..."

"Then why am I here?" Miko growled. "How am I here?"

"You're here because we got bored!" Xykon happily quiped, pushing Redcloak out of the way and leaning in so he himself could be eye-to-eye with Miko. "And as for how..." somehow, his skull seemed to be grinning. "First, we found your body. We thought about turning you into a zombie, but... where's the fun in that?"

"The... fun?" Miko asked, confused, and with a growing sense of dread.

"Oh yes, the fun..." Xykon tilted his head from side to side. "Eventually, we just... um... Redcloak, what did we do with her, again?"

"We left her in storage room 17..." Redcloak sighed. "For three months..."

"So that's where you were hiding her!" Tsukiko whined.

"Right, anyway..." Xykon shrugged, returning his attention to Miko. "So yeah, we got bored. And guess what? You were the cure to our boredome..."

"So... You Resurrected me in order to torture me? Heh heh heh..." Miko chuckled. "Well, I'm sorry to dissappoint you, fiend, but I will give you no such enjoyment. A Paladin of the Sapphire Guard would NEVER succumb to your worst torments!"

"You're right..." Xykon shrugged. "A Paladin of the Sapphire Guard is one tough nut to crack. What was that one guy's name? You know, the beard-y dude?"

"O-Chul..." Redcloak grumbled.

"Right, whatever..." Xykon dismissed Redcloak with a wave of his hand. "Yeah, Beard-y dude never cracked. He was a real great example of what the Sapphire Guard has to offer. But... there's just one problem, in your case. You're no longer a Paladin of the Sapphire Guard..."

"The color of my cape is by no means a representation of my heart..." Miko replied coldly.

"Yeah, it goes a bit beyond you cape, sweetie..." Tsukiko grinned from over Xykon's shoulder, pulling a mirror from behind her back and offering it to Xykon.

"Yeah... As I was saying... You're no longer a Paladin of the Sapphire Guard. You're no longer even remotely good. In fact..." Xykon took the mirror, and held it up in front of Miko's face. "You're no longer even human."

Miko found herself looking at an image of a skull in the mirror. Pale, bleached, and wreathed in long, pitch-black hair, the skull grinned back at her with empty eye sockets and glowing red pupils. The horrid realization that it was her own skull was too much for Miko Miyazaki to bear, and she let loose a hideous, inhuman scream which echoed into oblivion. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!" she howled. She attempted to lunge forward, but the bindings holding her back held strong.

"Um... Well..." Xykon tossed the mirror over his shoulder (:roach:: Isn't that 7 years bad luck?) and began to scratch at his jawbone. "The short answer is, we put all our abilities together and managed to whip you up into a Death Knight."

"HOW DARE YOU TRANSFORM ME INTO SUCH AN UNSPEAKABLE MONSTROSITY!!!!!" Miko snarled, struggling violently to get free and tear the Lich apart.

"But the long answer..." Xykon continued, folding his hands together in a business-like manner, "We've given you a second chance."

"A SECOND CHANCE AT WHAT?!" Miko snarled viciously. "MY LIFE WAS OVER!! I DIED WITH HONOR, AND NO REGRETS!! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE TO OFFER ME?!"

"Revenge against the people who landed you in this position to start with..." Xykon crooned, "The Order of the Stick."

Miko stopped struggling. "What?"

"Think about it..." Xykon unfolded his hands and tapped his temples. "They did this to you, when you stop and think about it. They ruined your life. They tricked you into doing the things that eventually cost you your Paladin-hood. They robbed you of your glory. Your life. You're honor. But now, you have the chance to right those wrongs. Yes, you're a Death Knight. Yes... you're Evil now. But sometimes, Evil has a purpose in the Greater Good. Murders must be committed so that others may live. Property must be stolen or damaged so that worse consequences can be avoided. Lies must be told so that the truth itself may survive. Sometimes you have to kill cute little animals in order to feed starving children! And in your case... So what if you have to be Evil? The Order of the Stick was, is, and will be worse than anything you could ever be capable of, Paladin or Death Knight. What matters is that the Order of the Stick, the villains that they are, will be held accountable for their actions. They will be punished. They will be purged. By you, in the name of Evil, for purpose of Good. Now... How does that sound to you?"

Miko sat there, contemplating what the Lich had said. Slowly but surely, gears were turning in her head. Finally, Miko locked eyes with Xykon and gave him her answer: "Release me, that I may begin preparing for my purpose."

"That'a girl!" Xykon cheered, clapping his hands together happily. "Redcloak, Tsukiko, release her..." The two underlings came forward, and unstrapped Miko from what turned out to be an up-turned table. As the Paladin-turned-Death Knight slowly staggered forward and tried to steady her balance, Xykon sighed contently. "Her first steps... Oh, I'm so proud!"

"Don't worry..." Redcloak whispered to Miko as she wobbled back and forth, "You'll get used to it."

"Being a monster?" she muttered back at the Goblin.

"No..." Redcloak sighed, "Working with Xykon..."


PHEW!! I thought I'd never be done! :smallbiggrin:



Well... What do ya'll think? :smalleek:


Wow, great job! This reads like top shelf fanfic... even better. It's not even a big stretch to see this as canon OOtS material.

[Lycan 01]

Come to think of it... who has seen my first story?:smallconfused:

I have. I went back and checked the archive, and I've read it before. I thought it was funny. :smalltongue:

And if you want to make it more horrifying, write a sequal where V and Elan get together to make their respective lovers jealous and come back to them. :smalleek:



Thanks, t_catt. I'm just worried that if I put too much thought into it, it will become more of a fan fic than a crack fic, and the plot will out-weigh the crack...

[ClericOfBelker]

Figure I should open with a story.
Someone rolled Julia/Roy's sword
Here we go. Didn't put much effort in, but still want critique.

Julia stretched out on the bed in her dorm. The walls were plain, the sheets were coarse and only white by virtue of being bleached every few days, the furniture was so crude it seemed deliberate, and her roommate never shut up, but it was hers. She had earned her scholarship, she had chosen her courses. This was her life.

The day was warm, and she was wearing as little as she dared, wishing she knew more ice spells so she could cool off. More then that, she wished there was some sort of release.

She sighed, running her hand through her dark hair. She wasn’t sure she liked it. It was straight, and shiny, and all her friends liked it, but it wasn’t her. There was nothing about it that differentiated her from everyone else with dark hair. It wasn''t hers, it was just generic dark hair.

Stretching her long legs over the side of her bed, she got to her feet and padded over to the door, which she checked was securely closed, and then locked. Just in case she cast hold portal as well. Most wizards agreed it was a useless spell, but when you were a nubile young girl who half the students drooled over and liked your privacy (or rather, didn’t feel like giving anyone a free show), then it was worth the effort of learning a few safeguards.

Taking a deep breath she reached into her bag and retrieved the sword.
The sword was who she was. It was who her family was. Where they came from, and what they were. Her father may have forgotten that, but she never would.

She could barely heft it, but she held it up nonetheless, admiring it’s functional elegance, it’s raw simplicity. In it’s own way, it was prettier then any rose. Running her hand down the edge gently, she gasped as it cut through the skin, a single bright bead of blood running down the edge. A bright flush crept over her cheeks, giving her dark skin a warm look.

She clutched it closer, enjoying the cold feel of the metal against her warm, yielding flesh. “You’re not my knight." She said huskily, her green eyes wide, undoing the clasp at the back of her bra. "You’re not my saviour. You’re me. And I am you.”


Also, we are now on the second thread. Yay!

20 Cookies for you! :biggrin:

...still not squicky

[Zanaril]

More Inkyrius/Aarindarius. Almost.


A small picture frame was lying face down on the floor amidst the debris, its wooden frame splintered and the stand snapped off. Inkyrius reached down and picked it up, then turned it over.

It was a child’s drawing, four figures portrayed in enthusiastic crayon lines, two tall, two small. The elf traced a finger over the red and purple one, careful not to get cut on the broken glass, and then slipped the drawing out of the frame, folded it, and put in a trouser pocket.

Aarindarius chose that moment to appear through the doorway to an adjacent room, a couple of cardboard boxes floating along behind him. Inkyrius placed the empty frame back on the remains of the mantelpiece. The green haired elf then closed the box full of books from the now half empty bookshelf, many of which had charred covers.

“That’s everything.” Inkyrius said, trying and failing to lift the heavy box.

“Here.” Aarindarius said, levitating it along with the others. “You’re leaving those?” He indicated the remaining books.

“They’re just spell books and such. You can have them if you want.”

Aarindarius took one and flicked through it disinterestedly, finding only a few low-level spells and research notes. But he pulled up a new box and started packing them anyway; if they were left here they’d only end up getting soaked when it rained. Kyrie turned away and walked out into the garden.

Aarindarius followed after a minute or two, stepping over a black scaled tail to reach the centre of the lawn where he dropped the boxes in a neat stack. He looked back at the gleaming scales thoughtfully. “Do you know the tanner?”

“Enarius? Yeah, why?”

“Any idea if he uses dragon hide?”

“I see where you’re going with this.” Inkyrius said. “Probably, I’ll check next time I go that way. I’ve see weirder stuff in his shop window.”

“Oh? Like what?” the wizard asked.

“Troll hide. Beholder skin.”

“...yes, that’s pretty weird.” Aarindarius admitted, then teleported both them and the boxes back to the tower.

***

A rattling sound coming from the kitchen attracted Aarindarius’ attention, and he headed towards it to investigate. Upon reaching the door he saw one of the children perched on a stool and wearing an apron that came down to its feet, happily rolling out what appeared to be cookie dough.

The little elf saw him and looked up, grinning. “Hullo Aary-dary!”

“What are you doing?” he said, eyeing the flour that dusted the elf’s orange hair and the surrounding floor.

“Making biscuits!”

“Oh? And where’s your parent?” He asked.

“My sibling ran off and parent went to get him.” The elf said happily, absentmindedly poking the biscuit dough with the rolling pin. As if on cue, Inkyrius appeared at the doorway carrying the other child, who was similarly grubby and wearing an identical apron.

“Oh, hello.”

“I see baking is a family business.” Aarindarius commented.

“It’s not just baking they like. They absolutely relish anything that gives them maximum potential to make a mess with the minimum effort.” The elf said wearily, but with a smile. Aarindarius realized it was the first time he’d seen Inkyrius smile since arriving. “Sorry about the state of the kitchen.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll clear up.” Aarindarius offered as Inkyrius put the tray of misshapen biscuits in the oven then began untying the children’s aprons.

“You would? I don’t want to be a bother.”

“It’s no problem, nothing a bit of magic can’t fix.”

“Thanks. I need to get these two cleaned up and off to bed.” The elf said, picking each of them up in one arm and carrying them out past the wizard. The red-headed child twisted around and waved. Aarindarius waved bemusedly back, then started tidying up.



It was several Prestidigitations later - and a bit manual scrubbing for the larger bits of dough - that Aarindarius deemed the kitchen back to its usual state. The tray of biscuits was cooling on the bench, only slightly overdone. He took one and went to find Inkyrius to see if he could lend a hand with anything else.

Upon reaching the spare bedroom, he found the elf children already tucked in to bed and presumably trancing. What he didn’t find was Inkyrius, and he stood there for a moment wondering where the baker could have gone. He continued down the corridor, and then paused again outside the study. A quiet sobbing sound was coming from behind the closed door, and he pushed it open to see the desk lamp lit. Inkyrius however, was curled up against the wall, clutching something, and tears were rolling down the baker’s face.

Aarindarius crossed the room silently to sit down on the floor next to the other elf. From here he could see that what the elf was holding was a slightly crumpled piece of paper, but whatever was on it was hidden from view. Noticing the wizard, Inkyrius re-folded the paper and placed it on the carpet, before wiping the tears away vigorously. “I’m so silly, crying like this.”

“You’re not. Not silly.”

“I don’t know how to feel anymore. I look back and I wonder if things were ever really okay, or if it just took me too long to realise I wasn’t happy.”

“You don’t have to make any decisions, not right away. Give it some time.” He said, putting an arm around Inkyrius, who leant onto his shoulder.

“Thank you for being here for me.”

Aarindarius hesitated, and then slowly, uncertainly, he lowered his head and kissed Inkyrius.

Inkyrius’ eyes widened, and the wizard realised he’d made a mistake. There was confusion in those green eyes, confusion and fear, and the baker quickly pulled away from the embrace. “Please, don’t.” Inkyrius whispered.

Aarindarius stayed where he was, frozen with indecision as Inkyrius scrambled up and ran out of the room, tears reappearing. He didn’t follow. He wanted to help, but he didn’t want to risk scaring the elf further. Stupid. Stupid! He berated himself, grabbing a handful of his hair and tugging until it hurt. It didn’t help.

The piece of paper was lying on the floor a few feet away, and he reached over for it. He unfolded it. The cheerful colours glaring out of the dim light seemed to mock him.

He rose to his feet and walked over to the desk, laying the drawing down carefully and smoothing out the creases. He was about to turn the lamp off, when something in the waste paper bin caught his eye, and he fished it out. It was a legal form, half filled in then abandoned. He returned in to the bin with a sigh. Stupid. Inkyrius had enough to deal with at the moment, without adding his clumsy advances to the list.

He turned off the light and walked out of the room.

[Malkar Grumbo]

More Inkyrius/Aarindarius. Almost.


A small picture frame was lying face down on the floor amidst the debris, its wooden frame splintered and the stand snapped off. Inkyrius reached down and picked it up, then turned it over.

It was a child’s drawing, four figures portrayed in enthusiastic crayon lines, two tall, two small. The elf traced a finger over the red and purple one, careful not to get cut on the broken glass, and then slipped the drawing out of the frame, folded it, and put in a trouser pocket.

Aarindarius chose that moment to appear through the doorway to an adjacent room, a couple of cardboard boxes floating along behind him. Inkyrius placed the empty frame back on the remains of the mantelpiece. The green haired then elf closed the box full of books from the now half empty bookshelf, many of which had charred covers.

“That’s everything.” Inkyrius said, trying and failing to lift the heavy box.

“Here.” Aarindarius said, levitating it along with the others. “You’re leaving those?” He indicated the remaining books.

“They’re just spell books and such. You can have them if you want.”

Aarindarius took one and flicked through it disinterestedly, finding only a few low-level spells and research notes. But he pulled up a new box and started packing them anyway; if they were left here they’d only end up getting soaked when it rained. Kyrie turned away and walked out into the garden.

Aarindarius followed after a minute or two, stepping over a black scaled tail to reach the centre of the lawn where he dropped the boxes in a neat stack. He looked back at the gleaming scales thoughtfully. “Do you know the tanner?”

“Enarius? Yeah, why?”

“Any idea if he uses dragon hide?”

“I see where you’re going with this.” Inkyrius said. “Probably, I’ll check next time I go that way. I’ve see weirder stuff in his shop window.”

“Oh? Like what?” the wizard asked.

“Troll hide. Beholder skin.”

“...yes, that’s pretty weird.” Aarindarius admitted, then teleported both them and the boxes back to the tower.

***

A rattling sound coming from the kitchen attracted Aarindarius’ attention, and he headed towards it to investigate. Upon reaching the door he saw one of the children perched on a stool and wearing an apron that came down to its feet, happily rolling out what appeared to be cookie dough.

The little elf saw him and looked up, grinning. “Hullo Aary-dary!”

“What are you doing?” he said, eyeing the flour that dusted the elf’s orange hair and the surrounding floor.

“Making biscuits!”

“Oh? And where’s your parent?” He asked.

“My sibling ran off and parent went to get him.” The elf said happily, absentmindedly poking the biscuit dough with the rolling pin. As if on cue, Inkyrius appeared at the doorway carrying the other child, who was similarly grubby and wearing an identical apron.

“Oh, hello.”

“I see baking is a family business.” Aarindarius commented.

“It’s not just baking they like. They absolutely relish anything that gives them maximum potential to make a mess with the minimum effort.” The elf said wearily, but with a smile. Aarindarius realized it was the first time he’d seen Inkyrius smile since arriving. “Sorry about the state of the kitchen.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll clear up.” Aarindarius offered as Inkyrius put the tray of misshapen biscuits in the oven then began untying the children’s aprons.

“You would? I don’t want to be a bother.”

“It’s no problem, nothing a bit of magic can’t fix.”

“Thanks. I need to get these two cleaned up and off to bed.” The elf said, picking each of them up in one arm and carrying them out past the wizard. The red-headed child twisted around and waved. Aarindarius waved bemusedly back, then started tidying up.



It was several Prestidigitations later - and a bit manual scrubbing for the larger bits of dough - that Aarindarius deemed the kitchen back to its usual state. The tray of biscuits was cooling on the bench, only slightly overdone. He took one and went to find Inkyrius to see if he could lend a hand with anything else.

Upon reaching the spare bedroom, he found the elf children already tucked in to bed and presumably trancing. What he didn’t find was Inkyrius, and he stood there for a moment wondering where the baker could have gone. He continued down the corridor, and then paused again outside the study. A quiet sobbing sound was coming from behind the closed door, and he pushed it open to see the desk lamp lit. Inkyrius however, was curled up against the wall, clutching something, and tears were rolling down the baker’s face.

Aarindarius crossed the room silently to sit down on the floor next to the other elf. From here he could see that what the elf was holding was a slightly crumpled piece of paper, but whatever was on it was hidden from view. Noticing the wizard, Inkyrius re-folded the paper and placed it on the carpet, before wiping the tears away vigorously. “I’m so silly, crying like this.”

“You’re not. Not silly.”

“I don’t know how to feel anymore. I look back and I wonder if things were ever really okay, or if it just took me too long to realise I wasn’t happy.”

“You don’t have to make any decisions, not right away. Give it some time.” He said, putting an arm around Inkyrius, who leant onto his shoulder.

“Thank you for being here for me.”

Aarindarius hesitated, and then slowly, uncertainly, he lowered his head and kissed Inkyrius.

Inkyrius’ eyes widened, and the wizard realised he’d made a mistake. There was confusion in those green eyes, confusion and fear, and the baker quickly pulled away from the embrace. “Please, don’t.” Inkyrius whispered.

Aarindarius stayed where he was, frozen with indecision as Inkyrius scrambled up and ran out of the room, tears reappearing. He didn’t follow. He wanted to help, but he didn’t want to risk scaring the elf further. Stupid. Stupid! He berated himself, grabbing a handful of his hair and tugging until it hurt. It didn’t help.

The piece of paper was lying on the floor a few feet away, and he reached over for it. He unfolded it. The cheerful colours glaring out of the dim light seemed to mock him.

He rose to his feet and walked over to the desk, laying the drawing down carefully and smoothing out the creases. He was about to turn the lamp off, when something in the waste paper bin caught his eye, and he fished it out. It was a legal form, half filled in then abandoned. He returned in to the bin with a sigh. Stupid. Inkyrius had enough to deal with at the moment, without adding his clumsy advances to the list.

He turned off the light and walked out of the room.



Great work! I have the feeling our favorite elves will have to make some tough decisions soon. Wish my story felt like it was on the right track.

[The Dark Fiddler]

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/g3217.png
Enjoyz
I think you may want to put some close on her. Just to be safe you know. Otherwise, it looks good.

Quite. I rather enjoy the banner, but I don't want the mods ban-hammering us.

[Silverraptor]

I have. I went back and checked the archive, and I've read it before. I thought it was funny. :smalltongue:

And if you want to make it more horrifying, write a sequal where V and Elan get together to make their respective lovers jealous and come back to them. :smalleek:


An excellent idea. Now how to incorporate it?

[Water-Smurf]

My God. I feel like I was just thrown in a washing machine and put under a steam roller in quick succession. Damn you, boarding school, and your homework and silly little mandatory activities! Because of you, my V/Redcloak update is late and tiny!

Anyway, does anyone mind summarizing what's happened since I was gone last? I only found the new thread and read the first page (lovely pictures by the way, Katara).

Bleh. I'm so draaaaiiiiiined...

Redcloak woke up reluctantly, but willingly. He didn’t want to deal with everything he knew he would have to, but he knew that he had to. The story of his life.

He sat up, stretching out his back, and looked to see Vaarsuvius sitting in the corner, eyes studious and bright. “Someone slept well.”

“I do not know why.”

“You were tired.” Redcloak stretched and stood up slowly.

“It’s still early.” Vaarsuvius averted its gaze. “Are you sure it is wise to go so soon?”

A tiny smile played across Redcloak’s face. “Don’t get me wrong: Xykon is a horrible, horrible abomination. But he’s not really the type to randomly snap and break his right-hand man’s ribs often. He only did that because he’s frustrated about his phylactery. You don’t need to be worried.”

“I am not worried.” Vaarsuvius gave a small pout (Redcloak chuckled inwardly at the likely reaction the elf would have at the fact that any expression it made could possibly be classified as a pout) and averted its gaze even more.

“Sure.”

Redcloak cocked his head, contemplating the little elf in front of him. “…Food will come soon.”

“Have there been any developments with my comrades?”

Redcloak shrugged. “They’re not dead as far as I know. I’ll tell you if I hear something significant that won’t give you too much information about us, okay?”

Vaarsuvius nodded slowly, eyes thoughtful. “It is very generous of you. Thank you.”

“No rants about how I’m not acting consistently?”

“You’ve proven that you have no concern about that. Continual protest would be a waste of my energy.”

“You’ve proven that you have no concern about that.”

“Stop repeating what I say.”

Redcloak smirked. “I only do it when it’s applicable.”

Vaarsuvius frowned a little at the wall before slipping to the floor, standing on wobbly knees.

“Vaarsuvius, you’re going to fall again.”

“I think that my legs are getting stronger, and I wish to evaluate something.” Vaarsuvius pursed its lips. “Yes, I think I will be able to walk on my own soon.”

“Great. So I won’t have to catch you again?”

Vaarsuvius blushed, turning its face away in a vain attempt to hide the new coloration. “You didn’t have to in the first place.”

Redcloak rolled his eye. “Whatever you say, Vaarsuvius. Just don’t fall and get hurt while I’m not around to pick you up.”

The elf was still blushing. “I can pick myself up.”

“I know. It’s easier on you if you have help.” Redcloak took some cherries out of a pouch at his hip and popped them in his mouth. “I’ll be back tonight.” With that, he was gone.

---

Redcloak stood out on the tower, staring up at the Snarl, frowning and getting just a little nervous at the presence of the deicidal abomination. He was feeling increasingly restless, a feeling he knew that Xykon shared, but he wasn’t comforted at all by the prospect of a bored, impatient lich. Xykon was happy as long as he was amused and he felt safe. Being an epic-level sorcerer lich, those conditions were usually easily met.

But missing his phylactery had obliterated all sense of security, and that made for a very angry Xykon. That in general was a bad thing, so Redcloak had to concentrate on finding his holy symbol before Xykon completely lost it and lashed out at anyone and everyone that could possibly be blamed for this situation.

Something flickered in his heart. He wanted to go back to the stone door with the gold ring. He wanted to be back with Vaarsuvius, probably the only person there besides perhaps Jirix who he could actually enjoy the company of. The elf was proud and rebellious, but in an admirable way. Despite himself, Redcloak had grown to… respect it? Car—

No. Not anything down that road. Just respect. It was more than easy to respect someone who shook Xykon’s foundations so completely and pile so much defiance on top of it in an obviously hopeless situation, no matter what trouble it caused himself.

The scientist in him shoved the memory of the three kisses into his mind, loudly proclaiming that that certainly wasn’t a mark of mere respect. The person inside of him hid the memories and made sure that the scientist was firmly bound and gagged in a dark corner so he couldn’t bring up anymore uncomfortable truths.

“So you finally got back from the elf’s room? Did you sleep with her or torture her? Or both?”

Redcloak almost jumped in surprise, spinning around to scowl at a smirking Tsukiko. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“All the slaves are settled down. They thought they could rebel. How cute.” Tsukiko grinned, crossing her arms and sauntering up to Redcloak, a spring to her step. “So you really do like us mammals more than you say. How does it feel to do it with someone who is actually warm and squishy for once in your life?”

Redcloak gave a small sneer, shaking his head. “You’re disgusting. I should have only expected it.” He turned around, walking to the edge of the tower and looking from the Snarl to down at the foot of the damaged castle. “I’m busy trying to think of our next strategy. It would help if you left.”

“Strategy is no fun. Talking about your sex life with the prisoner is.”

“It’s a pretty one-sided conversation, Tsukiko.” Redcloak closed his eye, pressing his palms together and trying to concentrate despite the nuisance next to him.

“Is she a screamer?” Tsukiko purred softly, smirking. “The formal ones usually are. Or maybe that uptight wizard thing extends to the bedroom and she’s just really, really quiet.”

Redcloak gave a small sigh. “If you won’t leave, I will.” He contemplated trying to deny that he was sleeping with Vaarsuvius, but he figured that that would only prove his guilt in Tsukiko’s eyes. The woman had a very warped sense of logic.

He started towards the door.

Tsukiko grinned and cupped her hands around her mouth so he could hear her better. “You don’t seem like the type to sleep around! Are you in love with her? ‘Cuz if you are, I’m never going to let you forget it!”

“I’m sorry, when did you graduate fifth grade? Last week?”

“It’s a classic!” Tsukiko started to jog after him, her grin widening, and they started down the stairs. “Hey, Reddy, as a special favor, when Xykon eventually gets you to soak her for information and kill her off, I’ll make a special zombie spell for you! You can do her all you want and you won’t have to hear that annoying stuck-up voice of hers.”

Redcloak tensed, his step faltering.

“I can even make her warm or cold, how you like. You seem to be more into cold girls—reptile thing, I guess—but you might’ve developed a liking for the finer temperatures of bodies.” Tsukiko frowned thoughtfully. “We’d have to change her clothes, probably. Let her show off what she’s got. I can barely tell what sex she is under those robes.”

Redcloak felt his muscles tighten and his claws sharpen against his scales, readying to slash Tsukiko right across her face. The idea of the prideful, defiant, fiery, alive Vaarsuvius being turned cold, silent, a glorified sex toy in clothes normally reserved for street-walking whores. Losing the warmth that made it so valuable. Losing the pride and rebellious attitude that made it beautiful. Losing the ability to speak all of its thoughts, to be honest with Redcloak about how exactly it thinks about him and what he does… losing what made Vaarsuvius Vaarsuvius…

“Hey, are you going to respond or am I going to have to go into even more detail about the things I can do for your zombie?”

Redcloak kept his temper carefully in check.

“You’re a very, very sick woman. Go and make sure the slaves are in their proper jobs.”

Tsukiko stiffened slightly, frowning. “Do I hear an edge to your voice?” A smirk grew, her mismatched eyes practically glowing. “Oh Gods, you really do love her!”

Redcloak glanced back at her, frowning. “That’s the problem with you and Xykon. You’re both too lazy to actually investigate things, so you just go with your first assumptions. Go and watch the slaves before they decide that they want to rebel again.”

“Whatever you say, Romeo.” Tsukiko gave a cackling laugh, making her sound more like a fairytale witch than anything else, and sat on the stone railing, sliding down.

“Who’s Romeo?”

“Read up on old human plays!” Tsukiko gave another cackling laugh. “It’s a great one, Reddy! Romeo and Juliet! It’ll give you good insight on how this story will end.” With that, she had slid down too many revolutions to be heard.

Redcloak rubbed his face, hoping that Vaarsuvius hadn’t heard anything through its door, and started walking down the steps, seeking out Jirix for more information.

---

The ground was hot and the air stank of gun powder and sulfur. The ruined human houses stuck up towards the sky like the jagged teeth of a giant. Smoke and the ever-present purple glow of the Snarl obscured the sun and light, making it feel light twilight. The sound of hobgoblin armies beat through the streets, giving the dead city a heartbeat to replace the one it lost in that one valiant struggle.

“Haley, you’re going to have to stop pacing at some point.” Roy looked up at the darkening sky. “Night’s going to come soon.”

Haley ran a hand through her boyish hair, scowling at Roy while the rest of their party worked on prying open a semi-intact old inn for shelter (“No, Belkar, yer goin’ ta slice yerself up if ye let Elan throw ye through th’ window!”)

“V’s been missing for… how long have we been gone?”

“Long enough.” Roy sighed, frowning and crossing his arms. “Look, Haley, I’m worried too. Vaarsuvius is my friend as well as part of my party. I don’t want him hurt anymore than you do. Pacing won’t help.”

“Apparently, neither will actually looking for him!”

“I don’t know what they did. They cast a spell or something.”

“That’d be easy to fix with a spell caster.”

“I know, Haley.” Roy looked at her hard for a minute. “Go and scout for a bit. Burn off the restless energy. Make sure you’re back here soon.”

Haley and Roy stared at each other for a moment, and slowly, she relaxed. “Thanks, Roy.” She turned, checking to make sure that she still had her bow and her new knife handy, and jogged off into the streets.

[Malkar Grumbo]

My God. I feel like I was just thrown in a washing machine and put under a steam roller in quick succession. Damn you, boarding school, and your homework and silly little mandatory activities! Because of you, my V/Redcloak update is late and tiny!

Anyway, does anyone mind summarizing what's happened since I was gone last? I only found the new thread and read the first page (lovely pictures by the way, Katara).

Bleh. I'm so draaaaiiiiiined...

Redcloak woke up reluctantly, but willingly. He didn’t want to deal with everything he knew he would have to, but he knew that he had to. The story of his life.

He sat up, stretching out his back, and looked to see Vaarsuvius sitting in the corner, eyes studious and bright. “Someone slept well.”

“I do not know why.”

“You were tired.” Redcloak stretched and stood up slowly.

“It’s still early.” Vaarsuvius averted its gaze. “Are you sure it is wise to go so soon?”

A tiny smile played across Redcloak’s face. “Don’t get me wrong: Xykon is a horrible, horrible abomination. But he’s not really the type to randomly snap and break his right-hand man’s ribs often. He only did that because he’s frustrated about his phylactery. You don’t need to be worried.”

“I am not worried.” Vaarsuvius gave a small pout (Redcloak chuckled inwardly at the likely reaction the elf would have at the fact that any expression it made could possibly be classified as a pout) and averted its gaze even more.

“Sure.”

Redcloak cocked his head, contemplating the little elf in front of him. “…Food will come soon.”

“Have there been any developments with my comrades?”

Redcloak shrugged. “They’re not dead as far as I know. I’ll tell you if I hear something significant that won’t give you too much information about us, okay?”

Vaarsuvius nodded slowly, eyes thoughtful. “It is very generous of you. Thank you.”

“No rants about how I’m not acting consistently?”

“You’ve proven that you have no concern about that. Continual protest would be a waste of my energy.”

“You’ve proven that you have no concern about that.”

“Stop repeating what I say.”

Redcloak smirked. “I only do it when it’s applicable.”

Vaarsuvius frowned a little at the wall before slipping to the floor, standing on wobbly knees.

“Vaarsuvius, you’re going to fall again.”

“I think that my legs are getting stronger, and I wish to evaluate something.” Vaarsuvius pursed its lips. “Yes, I think I will be able to walk on my own soon.”

“Great. So I won’t have to catch you again?”

Vaarsuvius blushed, turning its face away in a vain attempt to hide the new coloration. “You didn’t have to in the first place.”

Redcloak rolled his eye. “Whatever you say, Vaarsuvius. Just don’t fall and get hurt while I’m not around to pick you up.”

The elf was still blushing. “I can pick myself up.”

“I know. It’s easier on you if you have help.” Redcloak took some cherries out of a pouch at his hip and popped them in his mouth. “I’ll be back tonight.” With that, he was gone.

---

Redcloak stood out on the tower, staring up at the Snarl, frowning and getting just a little nervous at the presence of the deicidal abomination. He was feeling increasingly restless, a feeling he knew that Xykon shared, but he wasn’t comforted at all by the prospect of a bored, impatient lich. Xykon was happy as long as he was amused and he felt safe. Being an epic-level sorcerer lich, those conditions were usually easily met.

But missing his phylactery had obliterated all sense of security, and that made for a very angry Xykon. That in general was a bad thing, so Redcloak had to concentrate on finding his holy symbol before Xykon completely lost it and lashed out at anyone and everyone that could possibly be blamed for this situation.

Something flickered in his heart. He wanted to go back to the stone door with the gold ring. He wanted to be back with Vaarsuvius, probably the only person there besides perhaps Jirix who he could actually enjoy the company of. The elf was proud and rebellious, but in an admirable way. Despite himself, Redcloak had grown to… respect it? Car—

No. Not anything down that road. Just respect. It was more than easy to respect someone who shook Xykon’s foundations so completely and pile so much defiance on top of it in an obviously hopeless situation, no matter what trouble it caused himself.

The scientist in him shoved the memory of the three kisses into his mind, loudly proclaiming that that certainly wasn’t a mark of mere respect. The person inside of him hid the memories and made sure that the scientist was firmly bound and gagged in a dark corner so he couldn’t bring up anymore uncomfortable truths.

“So you finally got back from the elf’s room? Did you sleep with her or torture her? Or both?”

Redcloak almost jumped in surprise, spinning around to scowl at a smirking Tsukiko. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“All the slaves are settled down. They thought they could rebel. How cute.” Tsukiko grinned, crossing her arms and sauntering up to Redcloak, a spring to her step. “So you really do like us mammals more than you say. How does it feel to do it with someone who is actually warm and squishy for once in your life?”

Redcloak gave a small sneer, shaking his head. “You’re disgusting. I should have only expected it.” He turned around, walking to the edge of the tower and looking from the Snarl to down at the foot of the damaged castle. “I’m busy trying to think of our next strategy. It would help if you left.”

“Strategy is no fun. Talking about your sex life with the prisoner is.”

“It’s a pretty one-sided conversation, Tsukiko.” Redcloak closed his eye, pressing his palms together and trying to concentrate despite the nuisance next to him.

“Is she a screamer?” Tsukiko purred softly, smirking. “The formal ones usually are. Or maybe that uptight wizard thing extends to the bedroom and she’s just really, really quiet.”

Redcloak gave a small sigh. “If you won’t leave, I will.” He contemplated trying to deny that he was sleeping with Vaarsuvius, but he figured that that would only prove his guilt in Tsukiko’s eyes. The woman had a very warped sense of logic.

He started towards the door.

Tsukiko grinned and cupped her hands around her mouth so he could hear her better. “You don’t seem like the type to sleep around! Are you in love with her? ‘Cuz if you are, I’m never going to let you forget it!”

“I’m sorry, when did you graduate fifth grade? Last week?”

“It’s a classic!” Tsukiko started to jog after him, her grin widening, and they started down the stairs. “Hey, Reddy, as a special favor, when Xykon eventually gets you to soak her for information and kill her off, I’ll make a special zombie spell for you! You can do her all you want and you won’t have to hear that annoying stuck-up voice of hers.”

Redcloak tensed, his step faltering.

“I can even make her warm or cold, how you like. You seem to be more into cold girls—reptile thing, I guess—but you might’ve developed a liking for the finer temperatures of bodies.” Tsukiko frowned thoughtfully. “We’d have to change her clothes, probably. Let her show off what she’s got. I can barely tell what sex she is under those robes.”

Redcloak felt his muscles tighten and his claws sharpen against his scales, readying to slash Tsukiko right across her face. The idea of the prideful, defiant, fiery, alive Vaarsuvius being turned cold, silent, a glorified sex toy in clothes normally reserved for street-walking whores. Losing the warmth that made it so valuable. Losing the pride and rebellious attitude that made it beautiful. Losing the ability to speak all of its thoughts, to be honest with Redcloak about how exactly it thinks about him and what he does… losing what made Vaarsuvius Vaarsuvius…

“Hey, are you going to respond or am I going to have to go into even more detail about the things I can do for your zombie?”

Redcloak kept his temper carefully in check.

“You’re a very, very sick woman. Go and make sure the slaves are in their proper jobs.”

Tsukiko stiffened slightly, frowning. “Do I hear an edge to your voice?” A smirk grew, her mismatched eyes practically glowing. “Oh Gods, you really do love her!”

Redcloak glanced back at her, frowning. “That’s the problem with you and Xykon. You’re both too lazy to actually investigate things, so you just go with your first assumptions. Go and watch the slaves before they decide that they want to rebel again.”

“Whatever you say, Romeo.” Tsukiko gave a cackling laugh, making her sound more like a fairytale witch than anything else, and sat on the stone railing, sliding down.

“Who’s Romeo?”

“Read up on old human plays!” Tsukiko gave another cackling laugh. “It’s a great one, Reddy! Romeo and Juliet! It’ll give you good insight on how this story will end.” With that, she had slid down too many revolutions to be heard.

Redcloak rubbed his face, hoping that Vaarsuvius hadn’t heard anything through its door, and started walking down the steps, seeking out Jirix for more information.

---

The ground was hot and the air stank of gun powder and sulfur. The ruined human houses stuck up towards the sky like the jagged teeth of a giant. Smoke and the ever-present purple glow of the Snarl obscured the sun and light, making it feel light twilight. The sound of hobgoblin armies beat through the streets, giving the dead city a heartbeat to replace the one it lost in that one valiant struggle.

“Haley, you’re going to have to stop pacing at some point.” Roy looked up at the darkening sky. “Night’s going to come soon.”

Haley ran a hand through her boyish hair, scowling at Roy while the rest of their party worked on prying open a semi-intact old inn for shelter (“No, Belkar, yer goin’ ta slice yerself up if ye let Elan throw ye through th’ window!”)

“V’s been missing for… how long have we been gone?”

“Long enough.” Roy sighed, frowning and crossing his arms. “Look, Haley, I’m worried too. Vaarsuvius is my friend as well as part of my party. I don’t want him hurt anymore than you do. Pacing won’t help.”

“Apparently, neither will actually looking for him!”

“I don’t know what they did. They cast a spell or something.”

“That’d be easy to fix with a spell caster.”

“I know, Haley.” Roy looked at her hard for a minute. “Go and scout for a bit. Burn off the restless energy. Make sure you’re back here soon.”

Haley and Roy stared at each other for a moment, and slowly, she relaxed. “Thanks, Roy.” She turned, checking to make sure that she still had her bow and her new knife handy, and jogged off into the streets.

Good chapter! I enjoyed it. :smallbiggrin:

[esmerelder]

*comes late to the party*

Zanaril, WaterSmurf, I just wanted to say that I love your stories so much! Kaytara, your stories and also your art are amazing too - it's the combination of utter crackiness and being so perfectly in character that makes it work, I think.

Your wonderful stuff inspired me to write this today - on reflection, I'm not at all sure it's cracky enough to be part of this thread, but I had lots of fun writing it.



Roy pricked up his ears and then took off at a run through the tent city, the sand still glowing warm under his boots. He could hear the crying coming from somewhere just up ahead -- was there a child in trouble? Had the thieves he'd seen operating earlier in the day given up their pick-pocketing and attacked some innocent? Or even worse -- oh no, what if Belkar been messing with Elan's puppet collection again?

He skidded around a corner, down a blind avenue and, locating the source of the noise, stuck his head through the gap between the flaps of what he recognised as one of the Order's own tents.

And froze.

In the course of months of scrying on his former companions, he'd seen many things he had never expected, and a few he'd never have wanted, to see -- Haley's underwear-washing habits, Elan's nightly ritual of rock-star poses in the mirror, and Belkar's habit of singing endearing little songs to Mr Scruffy when he thought no-one else was listening were just a few of the more disturbing ones -- but he'd never seen anything like this.

Vaarsuvius hadn't cried for Roy when he'd died on the battlefield, nor even for Haley when she had been thought lost to Xykon's evil clutches. V had been beaten pretty badly by Miko too, humiliated and gagged and hauled across the landscape along with the rest of the Order, and hadn't so much as whimpered then. But the elf was crying now, thin pale hands clasped over the dirty face and long, dark-violet hair tumbling loose around hunched shoulders, rocking back and forth out of time with the deep, hacking sobs.

'Um. V. You alright?'.

The elf didn't look up.

'Leave me!'.

Roy clambered the rest of the way through the tent flap, sealing it carefully behind him. 'Nothing doing.' He plonked himself down on the cushions his team-mate had ignored for the bare tent floor. 'V, that's the fewest amount of words I've ever heard you use to express a simple concept. I figure something's got to be seriously wrong.'

The hands came down, revealing red-rimmed eyes with pale-pink irises and a pinched, dirty face. The elf reached into a pocket and removed a scroll, placing it wordlessly before him. Roy unrolled it and read:

Drawmij's Instant Summons

On the grounds of abandonment and probable alignment shift, the elf Inkyrius of Ivyleaf does hereby petition to dissolve all matrimonial bonds with the elf Vaarsuvius, and to sue for full custody of their two children...

Eek. 'V. I'm - gah. Who sent you this? This is your, um, your wi- your, er, mate, right?'

No answer.

'I'm so sorry, V. Do you want to tell me what happened?'

The elf sat up, regarding him somewhat unsteadily. 'Thank you, Sir Greenhilt, but I do not wish to discuss it at this time. I saw Inkyrius briefly while I had access to a significant power source, immediately before your resurrection. My mate was apparently not pleased with my decision to rejoin our company in order to try to prevent the -- unravelling of the --- .'

The rest of the sentence was lost in a long, ascending wail that appeared to involve the phrases 'dragon and shewasgonnahurttheCHIIIIIL...', a long string of extremely bad words in High Elvish, and something that sounded like 'fieeeeeeeeends'.

Well, this was awkward. Not knowing what else to do, Roy placed a hand on the elf's shoulder, half-expecting a stinging rebuff. When none came, he slid his arm around to pull Vaarsuvius into a hug. Tiny bird bones -- he'd known V was small, of course, but he hadn't expected the elf to feel quite so light, so fragile. During the the semi-regular 'Is-V-or-isn't-V?' arguments that descended upon the Order in times of extreme boredom, Roy had always been a staunch supporter of Team Masculine (along with Elan, while Durkon tended to flip-flop -- Belkar, for some reason, had rabidly insisted that the elf was female ever since Azure City, and Haley had always simply smirked and announced that she wasn't about to tell the others where her friend kept his or her Crystal Orbs). But just now, he could see the other side of the argument too, dwelling on the delicacy of the elf's tiny wrists, the wet, clinging length of the lashes around the painful-looking eyes as he pulled the elf closer and waited for V to breathe again.

'Gods, you're a skinny bit, V' -- the words tumbled out idly, almost unbidden -- 'I feel like I could snap you in half, you know.'

He was rewarded with a slightly soggy pink glare. 'I may point out that my current physical condition -- sniff -- somewhat deleterious as it may be, is nonetheless an improvement on your own until extremely recently, Sir Greenhilt.'

Roy grinned. 'OK, you got me there'. Discreetly, he fished a blue silk handkerchief - a gift from Hinjo that last New Year in Azure City - out of his tunic and passed it to the elf, waiting until the ragged breathing grew somewhat more steady under his arm.

'Divorce papers. That's rough, V, that's really rough.' He tightened his arm, squeezing V closer, and the elf did not pull away. 'But you know the team is here for you, whenever you want us'.

Eyes cast down to the tent floor, a long, half-ragged breath. 'I had observed this. I thank you.' Eyes flickered up to Roy, a small smile. 'Indeed, particularly in the case of the bard and the halfling, I find that the team is frequently present when I do not wish it, also.'

'Admit it, V - you'd miss them if they weren't there'.

'Indeed - upon whom else could I practice my now-redoubtable skills at crafting Exploding Runes?'

Roy accepted his handkerchief back, slightly crumpled and more than a little besmirched with High Elven snot. 'We're all back together again now, and we're going to do what we have to do and get through this. You may have lost one family, V, but --' he felt himself blushing furiously. 'Aww, it sounds stupid, and for the love of all that is holy don't ever repeat this to Belkar, but you've got another one right here.'

V pulled away from Roy's hug and turned to face him, still kneeling on the floor. The elf placed both delicate hands in his and looked up at him, an oddly formal pose. 'Again, you have my thanks, Sir Greenhilt'. The eyes went down again, once more closely examining the floor. 'And I must apologise for this most embarassing display of excessive emotion.'

'Vaarsuvius,' Roy smiled. 'I do have a teenage sister, you know. I know about over-blown hysterics --' he reached out a hand and gently forced V's chin up until the elf met his eyes once more 'and trust me, this wasn't it.'

Without really meaning to, without ever really knowing what he was doing, Roy leaned slowly forward and kissed the elf gently on the forehead, where the gold circlet no longer lay these days. The elf's thick coarse hair smelled of sunshine and dry heat, and something else, something not quite human, and then V's arms were around him, fine and spiky and clinging-desperate and the bones in the tiny shoulders ground together under Roy's hands.

When Belkar came barrelling through the tent flap in search of his tin opener to serve Mr Scruffy's dinner, several hours later, Roy and Vaarsuvius were sitting fully dressed, quietly consulting a map of the desert they were soon to cross and discussing military tactics. He considered asking why Roy had a rune-trimmed cloak slung about his shoulders and V appeared to be wearing a chain-mail tunic, but decided that there were some things halflings were not meant to know.


*edited for too many uses of the word 'amazing'!*

[ClericOfBelker]

Recipe For Crack-Mega-Pairing Potion

-Nameless
-Minion
-Silver Raptor
-Zanaril
-Lycan 01
-Discord
-The Dark Fiddler
-Sabine :sabine:
-Cleric of Belkar :amused:
-Julia Greenhilt
-Miko
-Plot Device/s:Love Potion x3
-Something not PG enough to mention on the last Thread

Prize:111,111,111x111,111,111 Cookies and Internets! :smallbiggrin:

[Silverraptor]

Recipe For Crack-Mega-Pairing Potion

-Silver Raptor
-Zanaril
-Discord
-The Dark Fiddler
-Sabine :sabine:
-Cleric of Belkar :amused:
-Julia Greenhilt
-Miko
-Plot Device/s:Love Potion x3
-Something not PG enough to mention on the last Thread!
-Zanaril


Prize:111,111,111x111,111,111 Cookies and Internets! :smallbiggrin:

Does this mean we have to work together or that we have to be apart of it? And where are you getting all these cookies anyways?

[The Dark Fiddler]

Recipe For Crack-Mega-Pairing Potion

-Silver Raptor
-Zanaril
-Discord
-The Dark Fiddler
-Sabine :sabine:
-Cleric of Belkar :amused:
-Julia Greenhilt
-Miko
-Plot Device/s:Love Potion x3
-Something not PG enough to mention on the last Thread!


I believe that should go in the Member Shipping Thread.

It can be found in the Arts and Crafts section.

Also, damn you. Now I want to put myself in one of the crack!fics. Can anyone say TheDarkFiddlerxRoy's SwordxDragon's Hoard?

[ClericOfBelker]

Does this mean we have to work together or that we have to be apart of it? And where are you getting all these cookies anyways?

Question 1. Both :smallamused:
Question 2. Cookie land...From Belkar-DON'T TELL HIM!!!!!

[ClericOfBelker]

I believe that should go in the Member Shipping Thread.

Ok :smallbiggrin: ! Come-On everybody!

*Runs to Member Shipping Thread*

...sorry for the Double Post!

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6942783#post6942783

[Silverraptor]

I've got a baaaaaaaad feeling about this.:smallsigh: Post up a link...

[Lycan 01]

@ Zanaril: Before I read your story, I have to ask... Who's Aarindarius? :smallconfused:


@ Silverraptor: Simple. Either Elan stumbles upon them while looking for the bathroom, or Celia decides to go find K... A big fuss is made, and Elan and V realize that they're lost their respective lovers to... each other's respective lovers. And thus begins a crack-tastic tale of forlorn love and treachery-wrough jealousy... :smallcool:


@ Water-Smurf: I made Miko into a Death Knight. :smallbiggrin:

I'll read your story after I read the first ones. I didn't know you had a series... Truth be told, I don't know how many series there actually are. :smalleek:


@ esmerelder: THAT STORY ROCKED!! :smallbiggrin: Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, from start to finish. It was so... good. Well written, in character, believable, cute-sy... and then the last paragraph caught me off guard. Oh boy, did that have me laughing... Good job!



@ ClericofBelkar: Should I be happy or insulted that I'm not on the list? :smallconfused:

[Silverraptor]

@ Silverraptor: Simple. Either Elan stumbles upon them while looking for the bathroom, or Celia decides to go find K... A big fuss is made, and Elan and V realize that they're lost their respective lovers to... each other's respective lovers. And thus begins a crack-tastic tale of forlorn love and treachery-wrough jealousy... :smallcool:


It was a retorical question.

[Meg]

Really, really good, as usual! Do I detect a hint of a possible HaleyXRoy subplot?

[ClericOfBelker]

I've got a baaaaaaaad feeling about this.:smallsigh: Post up a link...

I don't know how to :smallfrown: !

[The Dark Fiddler]

Who's Aarindarius? :smallconfused:

V's mentor, if I remember correctly.

[ClericOfBelker]

V's mentor, if I remember correctly.

Yep :smallsmile:!

[Lycan 01]

@ Silverraptor: I figured as much, but I wasn't sure. :smalltongue:


@ The Dark Fiddler: And they came into the series... when? :smallconfused: I honestly don't know anything about them.


@ ClericofBelkar: Copy and paste the URL you want to use into your post, and wrap the [ URL]...[/URL] tags around it.

[ClericOfBelker]

@ Silverraptor: I figured as much, but I wasn't sure. :smalltongue:


@ The Dark Fiddler: And they came into the series... when? :smallconfused: I honestly don't know anything about them.


@ ClericofBelkar: Copy and paste the URL you want to use into your post, and wrap the [ URL]...[/URL] tags around it.

Thanks! :smallbiggrin:


*-5 Cookies*

*Lycan 01 Gained 5 Cookies!*

[The Dark Fiddler]

@ The Dark Fiddler: And they came into the series... when? :smallconfused: I honestly don't know anything about them.

I think the only time his mentor was mentioned/shown in the online strips was when he was contemplating how to stop the ABD. V considered sending Qaar with a message to his mentor. Because I don't own the books, I can't speak for print-exclusive.

[ClericOfBelker]

There done! :smallbiggrin:

[Silverraptor]

There done! :smallbiggrin:

...okay...

...So.... where's the link?

[Cracklord]

In his origonal post.
I myself am grateful to have been ignored. Putting yourself in your own work seems pretentious, like something Mookie would do.

[Water-Smurf]

Really, really good, as usual! Do I detect a hint of a possible HaleyXRoy subplot?

I reveal nothing! :smallbiggrin:


I made Miko a Death Knight!

Ah, the drama. Ah, the character development possibilities. How do you wrestle Miko into a situation like that? It'd be a little hard for her to go for evil.

[BatRobin]

Durkon x Hilgya with Pregnancy.


0.o

Did I just like, roll out what most predict to be the future of the strip?

Ok, again...


Aliens made them do it! Hinjo and Argent that is.

[Silverraptor]

It looks like there's a problem with the shipping thing.

[Lycan 01]

Ah, the drama. Ah, the character development possibilities. How do you wrestle Miko into a situation like that? It'd be a little hard for her to go for evil.


The story is inspired by somebody challenging me to do Miko x Redcloak, and me going a bit overboard with the idea... :smallbiggrin:

I'd suggest you go back to page two and read it. :smalltongue: But I'll summarize it for you... Xykon, Redcloak, and Tsukiko get bored, and decide to revive Miko as a Death Knight. Hilarity ensues. Drama and chatacter developement follow shortly thereafter, along with witty Demon Roach comments.

I might write the next chapter tonight, but I dunno if I'll have the time. I got a History test to study for. :smallannoyed:



Edit: Yeah, the shipping stuff just isn't my thing... I'll stick to my lovely little crack pairings, thank you.

[Dark Faun]

So many wonderful stories, so little time to review them. :smallfrown: Though I can already point out a little typo in Zanaril's story: "The green haired then elf closed the box full of books"

They all involve V in some way. We truly have turned V into the fandom bicycle. Not sure whether it's a good thing or not. :smallconfused:

And I realize this thread must be very useful to whoever wants to learn more about writing fanfictions, with all the amazing stories in here.

P.S. Aarindarius first appears here (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0630.html).

[Lycan 01]

So many wonderful stories, so little time to review them. :smallfrown: Though I can already point out a little typo in Zanaril's story: "The green haired then elf closed the box full of books"

They all involve V in some way. We truly have turned V into the fandom bicycle. Not sure whether it's a good thing or not. :smallconfused:

And I realize this thread must be very useful to whoever wants to learn more about writing fanfictions, with all the amazing stories in here.

P.S. Aarindarius first appears here (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0630.html).

:biggrin: Make time.

Actually, I don't think I've written a V story yet... Darn. I feel left out now... Oh well, this Miko x Redcloak thing will keep me entertained for awhile. :smallamused:


Ah! Thank you...

[Zanaril]

@ Zanaril: Before I read your story, I have to ask... Who's Aarindarius? :smallconfused:

[...]

@ Water-Smurf: I made Miko into a Death Knight. :smallbiggrin:

I'll read your story after I read the first ones. I didn't know you had a series... Truth be told, I don't know how many series there actually are. :smalleek:


Quite a few of the longer ones have been posted in separate parts.

My Inky/Aarindarius story is set at the same time as the VxZz'dtri one (although they haven't run into each other. Yet.)

[TheBibliophile]

Latest comic: who do you think V will hook up with now? Maybe the lizardfolk prostit-

Oh. Oh, no, no, no!

Now I have to write that!

Sweet Aphrodite, give me strength for the coming ordeal. :smalleek:

[Dark Faun]

Discord casts Mass Review!

@Kaytara: I love it! Their relation and friendship (even if V was in "I forgot what friendship is" mode) was very well written, to the point I actually feel turning it into a romance will lessen its impact. Odd. :smallconfused:

@Silverraptor: It's really odd to see a fanfiction written in the present tense instead of the past tense, but I like it. Now we know why Haley and Vaarsuvius bunk in the same room. :smallwink: (And it's Vaarsuvius, not Varrsuvius.)

@Zanaril: The kids were so cute! I feel sorry for the adult elves though. Love really does hurt.

@Water-Smurf: Amazing! I love Redcloak's train of thought (the scientist and the person especially). And Tsukiko is outrageous, as can be expected of her.

@esmerelder: Very cute. I absolutely adored this line: "Belkar, for some reason, had rabidly insisted that the elf was female ever since Azure City" :smallbiggrin:

It's super effective!

[Belkster11]

Lemme see...what other story can I do?

Ah yes. HaleyxBlackwing.
Blackwing was perched on a tree branch, watching Haley relax on the rock below. V had allowed him to travel to search for his food. It was so strange that of all the people that took notice of him...gave him a name was this rouge girl. He was entranced by her beauty. Without warning, his wings flapped as he swooped downward and landed just next to Haley. This startled her awake.

"Don't be alarmed." Blackwing said in his most gentleman of voice a raven could muster. "It's only dear Blackwing."

Haley's eyes widen with surprise.

"You...you're talking in Common!" she said as she got up. She held out a hand for Blackwing to perch on. "I thought V-"

"V and I resolved our differences." Blackwing said. His wide, white eyes blinking at Haley. "But I have you to thank, Miss Starshine. You gave me the name Blackwing."

Haley giggled. She raised her other hand and slowly, hesitantly, touched Blackwing's head with a finger. The bird did not resist. He bent his neck around her finger.

"I must say, that feels good." Blackwing said as Haley stroke his slender, curved back. The feeling was...majestic...euphoric. He closed his eyes with pleasure.

Haley suddenly brought Blackwing up to her mouth and gave him a kiss on his beak. Of course, since his beak was so small, her lips overtook it.

Most ravens would have already bitten Haley for this, but Blackwing? He didn't care. He was getting attention, attention he wanted all along.

"'Tis a pity you are not a raven." Blackwing said. If his beak could allow him, he'd smile. "I was searching for food and well-"

NSFW MATERIAL!!!!
Haley gently made a nest for Blackwing with her hands and carried him to her tent. Her tent looked like a cabin room of a majestic pirate queen. Gold bags surrounded her cot (that she and Elan slept in), and on a little stool was a small bowl of cherries she bought from the market. She set Blackwing on the stool next to the bowl. She herself laid down on her stomach next to the stool.

"Miss Starshine..Th-This is marevlous!" Blackwing said, raising his wings. "Too beautiful for a simple raven familiar as I."

Haley took a cherry and held it up to his beak. Blackwing noticed that her new orange armor was more revealing than her old one. There was just something strange and disturbing about a woman with huge clevage showing offering him a berry in her tent.

"Well, enjoy." she said seductively. Blackwing put away his doubts as he stuck his beak into the berry and slowly chewed on the innards, the juice flowing down his beak and into his feathers. His eyes were closed pensivley.

"Thank you, Miss St-"

"Call me Haley." Haley said as she plucked a berry from the bowl and let it roll down her tounge into her mouth.

"Thank you, Haley." Blackwing said.

[Irbis]

Let's see what I can roll:

Vaarsuvius + (Tsukiko + Haerta)

Everyone is a furry version of themselves.

Hmmm, interesting, very interesting. I'd love to see that pic :smallbiggrin:

[Saeyan]

Wow, what a treat! Zanaril, Water-smurf, Kaytara and esmerelder's pieces were all brilliant. And they're all about the elves!:smallbiggrin:

I was trying to draw an Aarindarius Facepalm (after the blunder) this afternoon, but meh. I'll put a picture up later. By the way, does anyone have any tips for taking photos of drawings? Because all my photos...well, you can tell they're not really great. I wish I had a scanner.

Edit: As promised...
http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/7391/dsc05772smallv.jpg
Don't worry, Zz'dtri, haven't forgotten you yet!

I was thinking about making a wiki for this thread (and its subsequent offspring), so we can all help out in managing the cracky overload. What do you think?

[Kaytara]

@Kaytara: I love it! Their relation and friendship (even if V was in "I forgot what friendship is" mode) was very well written, to the point I actually feel turning it into a romance will lessen its impact. Odd. :smallconfused:[/COLOR]

I know what you mean, it's not the only obstacle, either... I'm trying to work it out. Durkon is surprisingly hard to write...


Wow, what a treat! Zanaril, Water-smurf, Kaytara and esmerelder's pieces were all brilliant. And they're all about the elves!:smallbiggrin:
Elves have something inherently wooberiffic (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheWoobie) about them, regardless of whether they're spirited bakers, powerful archmages or genocidal fiendish gestalts. XD


I was trying to draw an Aarindarius Facepalm (after the blunder) this afternoon, but meh. I'll put a picture up later. By the way, does anyone have any tips for taking photos of drawings? Because all my photos...well, you can tell they're not really great. I wish I had a scanner.

Squeee! More pics, yessss!

Ahem. As someone who's been in your shoes... Good lighting is essential, though that can be fixed with a program... (Paint Shop Pro has "Fade Correction" which does wonders for improving the contrast) I'd also recommend setting the camera on something (a tripod, if you have it) rather than holding it. Less blurriness that way. Doing the focus manually helps too. :)

EDIT: Wow. :) That's great! ^^

[Silverraptor]

@Silverraptor: It's really odd to see a fanfiction written in the present tense instead of the past tense, but I like it. Now we know why Haley and Vaarsuvius bunk in the same room. :smallwink: (And it's Vaarsuvius, not Varrsuvius.)


Then I'll keep it my trade mark to do present tense then. And thanks for letting me know about the spelling, otherwise I'd have a bunch of errers.:smallamused:

[esmerelder]

@Lycan 01, Discord and Saeyan,

*blushes* Thank you! It was my first OOTS-fic apart from a few tiny drabbles, and didn't realise how much fun it would be to write. I might have to proclaim Roy/V as my new secret ship! :smalltongue:

[Kaytara]

@Lycan 01, Discord and Saeyan,

*blushes* Thank you! It was my first OOTS-fic apart from a few tiny drabbles, and didn't realise how much fun it would be to write. I might have to proclaim Roy/V as my new secret ship! :smalltongue:

Oh, by the way, I really liked how you wrote Roy there. He was surprisingly in-character there. :) Loved the tidbit about the "Is-V-or-isn't-V?" arguments, too. XD And Belkar bursting in while looking for his can-opener.

In short, it's full of great little touches and I love the characterisation, too. :)

[esmerelder]

@Kaytara

*beams* Thanks! I love Roy, he's definitely my second-favourite (after guess-which-elf, of course).

Also, I don't post very often, but I'm always happy when you update with your drawings - they're amazing :smallbiggrin:

[Zanaril]

I was thinking about making a wiki for this thread (and its subsequent offspring), so we can all help out in managing the cracky overload. What do you think?

Go for it!


Lemme see...what other story can I do?

Ah yes. HaleyxBlackwing.
[NSFW MATERIAL!!!!]


If you think that's NSFW... just try to stay away from 95% of the fanfic on the Internet, ok? :smalltongue:

[MReav]

PHEW!! I thought I'd never be done! :smallbiggrin:

Well... What do ya'll think? :smalleek:

I think you should play up Mind Control/Xykon's Undead Control, because Miko doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would knowingly side with people she thinks are evil to get back at people she thinks are evil. As much as she hates the Order, one of her final tipping points was her conclusion that The Order worked for Xykon, so the idea that she would willingly work for Xykon to get back at the people who willingly worked for Xykon... you get the idea.

[TheBibliophile]

*comes late to the party*

Zanaril, WaterSmurf, I just wanted to say that I love your stories so much! Kaytara, your stories and also your art are amazing too - it's the combination of utter crackiness and being so perfectly in character that makes it perfect, I think.

Your wonderful stuff inspired me to write this today - on reflection, I'm not at all sure it's cracky enough to be part of this thread, but I had lots of fun writing it.



Roy pricked up his ears and then took off at a run through the tent city, the sand still glowing warm under his boots. He could hear the crying coming from somewhere just up ahead -- was there a child in trouble? Had the thieves he'd seen operating earlier in the day given up their pick-pocketing and attacked some innocent? Or even worse -- oh no, what if Belkar been messing with Elan's puppet collection again?

He skidded around a corner, down a blind avenue and, locating the source of the noise, stuck his head through the gap between the flaps of what he recognised as one of the Order's own tents.

And froze.

In the course of months of scrying on his former companions, he'd seen many things he had never expected, and a few he'd never have wanted, to see -- Haley's underwear-washing habits, Elan's nightly ritual of rock-star poses in the mirror, and Belkar's habit of singing endearing little songs to Mr Scruffy when he thought no-one else was listening were just a few of the more disturbing ones -- but he'd never seen anything like this.

Vaarsuvius hadn't cried for Roy when he'd died on the battlefield, nor even for Haley when she had been thought lost to Xykon's evil clutches. V had been beaten pretty badly by Miko too, humiliated and gagged and hauled across the landscape along with the rest of the Order, and hadn't so much as whimpered then. But the elf was crying now, thin pale hands clasped over the dirty face and long, dark-violet hair tumbling loose around hunched shoulders, rocking back and forth out of time with the deep, hacking sobs.

'Um. V. You alright?'.

The elf didn't look up.

'Leave me!'.

Roy clambered the rest of the way through the tent flap, sealing it carefully behind him. 'Nothing doing.' He plonked himself down on the cushions his team-mate had ignored for the bare tent floor. 'V, that's the fewest amount of words I've ever heard you use to express a simple concept. I figure something's got to be seriously wrong.'

The hands came down, revealing red-rimmed eyes with pale-pink irises and a pinched, dirty face. The elf reached into a pocket and removed a scroll, placing it wordlessly before him. Roy unrolled it and read:

Drawmij's Instant Summons

On the grounds of abandonment and probable alignment shift, the elf Inkyrius of Ivyleaf does hereby petition to dissolve all matrimonial bonds with the elf Vaarsuvius, and to sue for full custody of their two children...

Eek. 'V. I'm - gah. Who sent you this? This is your, um, your wi- your, er, mate, right?'

No answer.

'I'm so sorry, V. Do you want to tell me what happened?'

The elf sat up, regarding him somewhat unsteadily. 'Thank you, Sir Greenhilt, but I do not wish to discuss it at this time. I saw Inkyrius briefly while I had access to a significant power source, immediately before your resurrection. My mate was apparently not pleased with my decision to rejoin our company in order to try to prevent the -- unravelling of the --- .'

The rest of the sentence was lost in a long, ascending wail that appeared to involve the phrases 'dragon and shewasgonnahurttheCHIIIIIL...', a long string of extremely bad words in High Elvish, and something that sounded like 'fieeeeeeeeends'.

Well, this was awkward. Not knowing what else to do, Roy placed a hand on the elf's shoulder, half-expecting a stinging rebuff. When none came, he slid his arm around to pull Vaarsuvius into a hug. Tiny bird bones -- he'd known V was small, of course, but he hadn't expected the elf to feel quite so light, so fragile. During the the semi-regular 'Is-V-or-isn't-V?' arguments that descended upon the Order in times of extreme boredom, Roy had always been a staunch supporter of Team Masculine (along with Elan, while Durkon tended to flip-flop -- Belkar, for some reason, had rabidly insisted that the elf was female ever since Azure City, and Haley had always simply smirked and announced that she wasn't about to tell the others where her friend kept his or her Crystal Orbs). But just now, he could see the other side of the argument too, dwelling on the delicacy of the elf's tiny wrists, the wet, clinging length of the lashes around the painful-looking eyes as he pulled the elf closer and waited for V to breathe again.

'Gods, you're a skinny bit, V' -- the words tumbled out idly, almost unbidden -- 'I feel like I could snap you in half, you know.'

He was rewarded with a slightly soggy pink glare. 'I may point out that my current physical condition -- sniff -- somewhat deleterious as it may be, is nonetheless an improvement on your own until extremely recently, Sir Greenhilt.'

Roy grinned. 'OK, you got me there'. Discreetly, he fished a blue silk handkerchief - a gift from Hinjo that last New Year in Azure City - out of his tunic and passed it to the elf, waiting until the ragged breathing grew somewhat more steady under his arm.

'Divorce papers. That's rough, V, that's really rough.' He tightened his arm, squeezing V closer, and the elf did not pull away. 'But you know the team is here for you, whenever you want us'.

Eyes cast down to the tent floor, a long, half-ragged breath. 'I had observed this. I thank you.' Eyes flickered up to Roy, a small smile. 'Indeed, particularly in the case of the bard and the halfling, I find that the team is frequently present when I do not wish it, also.'

'Admit it, V - you'd miss them if they weren't there'.

'Indeed - upon whom else could I practice my now-redoubtable skills at crafting Exploding Runes?'

Roy accepted his handkerchief back, slightly crumpled and more than a little besmirched with High Elven snot. 'We're all back together again now, and we're going to do what we have to do and get through this. You may have lost one family, V, but --' he felt himself blushing furiously. 'Aww, it sounds stupid, and for the love of all that is holy don't ever repeat this to Belkar, but you've got another one right here.'

V pulled away from Roy's hug and turned to face him, still kneeling on the floor. The elf placed both delicate hands in his and looked up at him, an oddly formal pose. 'Again, you have my thanks, Sir Greenhilt'. The eyes went down again, once more closely examining the floor. 'And I must apologise for this most embarassing display of excessive emotion.'

'Vaarsuvius,' Roy smiled. 'I do have a teenage sister, you know. I know about over-blown hysterics --' he reached out a hand and gently forced V's chin up until the elf met his eyes once more 'and trust me, this wasn't it.'

Without really meaning to, without ever really knowing what he was doing, Roy leaned slowly forward and kissed the elf gently on the forehead, where the gold circlet no longer lay these days. The elf's thick coarse hair smelled of sunshine and dry heat, and something else, something not quite human, and then V's arms were around him, fine and spiky and clinging-desperate and the bones in the tiny shoulders ground together under Roy's hands.

When Belkar came barrelling through the tent flap in search of his tin opener to serve Mr Scruffy's dinner, several hours later, Roy and Vaarsuvius were sitting fully dressed, quietly consulting a map of the desert they were soon to cross and discussing military tactics. He considered asking why Roy had a rune-trimmed cloak slung about his shoulders and V appeared to be wearing a chain-mail tunic, but decided that there were some things halflings were not meant to know.


*edited for too many uses of the word 'amazing'!*

I would say the same about your own work, ma'am. I like it very much, especially the last paragraph about the wrong clothes. You are an author of rare skill.

What is it about this place that it produces so many amazing authors? It's hardly a seat of high culture.

[Zanaril]

What is it about this place that it produces so many amazing authors? It's hardly a seat of high culture.

Vaarasuvius' linguistic prowess is having an effect on us, maybe?



http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/7391/dsc05772smallv.jpg
Don't worry, Zz'dtri, haven't forgotten you yet!

I forgot to mention how awesome chibi V and Zz'dtri are. And how cute!

[TheBibliophile]

Vaarasuvius' linguistic prowess is having an effect on us, maybe?


I forgot to mention how awesome chibi V and Zz'dtri are. And how cute!

Obviously not. :smalltongue:

[Zanaril]

Obviously not. :smalltongue:

Vaarsuvius -and by extension, I - are a bit upset right now. I will be blaming any typos on emotional distress.

Also that I'm still laughing from panel 4, which makes it hard to type.

And really, once there's more that one 'a' they tend to blend into each other. I have to squint to actually see that mistake.

[Belkster11]

Go for it!



If you think that's NSFW... just try to stay away from 95% of the fanfic on the Internet, ok? :smalltongue:

I just can't get past the barrier that's preventing me from writing a sex scene between Haley and Blackwing the Raven. :smalleek:

[esmerelder]

@TheBibliophile *grins and bows* Thanks to you, too!

It's just a guess, but I think it probably has something to do with all of the writers coming out of the woodwork and finding one another -- good writing tends to inspire more of the same. Just speaking for myself, until the signature banners advertising this thread started appearing everywhere, I didn't realise that OOTS-fic was going on to any large scale, and I'm really pleased to have found it!

(Incidentally, pls to ignore if this is too cheeky, but if any of the artists feel at a loose end for something to do and want to try making a Roy-snuggling-V banner, I would be deeply flattered and would probably make a number of inarticulate small squeaking noises.)

[Lycan 01]

I think you should play up Mind Control/Xykon's Undead Control, because Miko doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would knowingly side with people she thinks are evil to get back at people she thinks are evil. As much as she hates the Order, one of her final tipping points was her conclusion that The Order worked for Xykon, so the idea that she would willingly work for Xykon to get back at the people who willingly worked for Xykon... you get the idea.

While I agree with your opinion, I'm afraid I can't go with that course of action for one very, very simple reason.

There'd be no story.

I thought about having Xykon use mind control on her, for simple things and the like, but then you have to consider that if Xykon can control her with the little things, he'd just control her 100%. And then you've just got a Miko zombie. No fun. No fun at all...

Also, Xykon asking her to kill the Order of the Stick kinda disproves her perception of the OotS and Team Evil working together. But she has plenty of reasons to hate the Order anyway. They corrupted/worked with Lord Shojo depending on who she's talking to, they caused her to Fall by tricking her somehow in her own mind, Belkar is a being of absolute evil and by default the rest of the Order is evil for working with him, and she'll probably blame them for the loss of Azure City and the destruction of the gate. Why? Because she's crazy, and the best part of writing a crazy character is that you can go anywhere with their thought process and it is still believable to some extent. :smallbiggrin:


But yes, I realize this story has a whole lot of plot holes in it. There will be gags about that, actually. And there will also be a plot device to help Team Evil seem more... relatable, to Miko.

[Zanaril]

I just can't get past the barrier that's preventing me from writing a sex scene between Haley and Blackwing the Raven. :smalleek:

That I can understand.

[MReav]

Also, Xykon asking her to kill the Order of the Stick kinda disproves her perception of the OotS and Team Evil working together. But she has plenty of reasons to hate the Order anyway. They corrupted/worked with Lord Shojo depending on who she's talking to, they caused her to Fall by tricking her somehow in her own mind, Belkar is a being of absolute evil and by default the rest of the Order is evil for working with him, and she'll probably blame them for the loss of Azure City and the destruction of the gate. Why? Because she's crazy, and the best part of writing a crazy character is that you can go anywhere with their thought process and it is still believable to some extent. :smallbiggrin:


But yes, I realize this story has a whole lot of plot holes in it. There will be gags about that, actually. And there will also be a plot device to help Team Evil seem more... relatable, to Miko.

But... Xykon is also evil. And he and his army invaded and destroyed her city with an army of hobgoblins, something she believed Shojo was doing in conjunction with the Order. I don't see Miko saying "yeah, you're evil, but these guys are also evil, so I will side with you to destroy this other evil, even though I believed the two of you were working together to destroy everything I cared about" because I see Miko as the kind of person to instead conclude that the two sides would be trying to destroy everything she holds dear independently of each other rather than working together (so she'd still oppose them both). Furthermore, she "knows" Team Evil has a stated goal of bringing about the apocalypse (in reality it's either enslave the world or blackmail the gods), given their interactions in the Watchtower. Even for a crazy person, she's more likely to conclude "I must fight everyone" than "these people whom I distrusted and opposed initially are actually the good guys/lesser of two evils and therefore I will work for them", unless mind control is involved. Miko is not the kind of person who sees "the lesser of two evils".

She goddamn well saw the leader of her order, Lord Soon, fighting Team Evil. Even with her insanity, she likely would associate that with "These People Are Bad".

[Lycan 01]

1: I never actually stated what was going on inside her head, only what she said out loud.

2: Again, there will be a plot device to help Miko see from their point of view. I can't see what it is, because its part of a bigger joke.

3: I said there would be jokes about the plot holes, too. I realize this story isn't perfect, so rather than destroy my brain and end up canning the project altogether, I'm going to poke fun at it.

4: Crack fic. :smallbiggrin:


I appreciate your opinion, and I don't argue that in OotS canon, this story would be completely illogical and very unlikely. You have very strong points, which I admit I cannot argue against. But I'm trying to write a comedy here, dude. Please cut me some slack... :smalltongue:




Also, I notice a distinct lack of crack fics as of late, except for the interesting tale of Haley and Blackwing and a really well-drawn picture of some elves and a horrified drow. Where's the insanity, people? :smallconfused:

[MReav]

1: I never actually stated what was going on inside her head, only what she said out loud.

2: Again, there will be a plot device to help Miko see from their point of view. I can't see what it is, because its part of a bigger joke.

3: I said there would be jokes about the plot holes, too. I realize this story isn't perfect, so rather than destroy my brain and end up canning the project altogether, I'm going to poke fun at it.

4: Crack fic. :smallbiggrin:


I appreciate your opinion, and I don't argue that in OotS canon, this story would be completely illogical and very unlikely. You have very strong points, which I admit I cannot argue against. But I'm trying to write a comedy here, dude. Please cut me some slack... :smalltongue:




Also, I notice a distinct lack of crack fics as of late, except for the interesting tale of Haley and Blackwing and a really well-drawn picture of some elves and a horrified drow. Where's the insanity, people? :smallconfused:

Fine, then at least consider my comment to be a criticism of all those who find this "in-character" of Miko.

[Belkster11]

You want insanity? YOU WANT INSANITY?! Well here!!


:xykon: CREATE GREATER UNDEAD. Heh. Wait until that angry guy with the greenhilt sword sees this!! Hey, undead chick. Behold your master!

:haley: (As an undead) Xykon! *Glomps him*

*:xykon: and :haley: have undead/lich makeout*

Hell, I'm thinking of making that my next crack-fic. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

[Lycan 01]

Fine, then at least consider my comment to be a criticism of all those who find this "in-character" of Miko.

Fair enough. :smallsmile:


Now, here's a quick crack pairing I never got around to doing. Its short, but its better than not having anything to read at all. :smalltongue:


The Eye of Fear and Flame x Haley (Maid Outfit)

"THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL!!!!" The Eye of Fear and Flame screamed out in terror as Haley, with a sick grin on her face, tried to shove him into a French Maid Outfit.

Thank you, and have a nice day.


Edit: Ninja'd, and by an oddly similar pairing. How... quaint.

[Silverraptor]

I'm not going to continue the Inkyrius and Haley story (atleast not right now) so I rolled up another pair. Now to incorporate it to the present formatting.

"This is Lien, we made it to Kraagor's gate. Just checking up with a sending spell. O-chul didn't enjoy the ride. So what's been happening?"

"Thanks for update, Lien. I just recieved word that Roy has made it to the western continent. Nothing much's been happening. I'll keep you informed."

"Whew, this 25-word thing isn't as easy as it looks."

"No sir, lord Hinjo, but you did a remarkable job though."

"Thank you, you may go now."

"Thank you, sir. I actually have been requested to visit Kazumi and Diago for a checkup on their heir." The cleric leaves.

"So it begins..." mumbles Hinjo to himself. He looks out at the night sky from his personal quarters. He didn't know what time it was, but there was nothing else to do today. Lifting himself off his chair, he goes and changes into his night clothes. He eases himself into bed, blows out the candles, and settles in to a deep sleep.

He was standing on an island in the middle of the ocean. Waves were rolling onto the beach, spraying seawater onto his face. The rustle of leaves from the trees were heard over head. For some reason, Hinjo felt happy and no longer stressed. He stood there, enjoying to scene, when he heard a faint sniff behind him. He turns and see's, looking at him with a sad expression, Miko.

"Oh... Miko... what's..*Ahem* What's wrong?"

"Um... Hi, Hinjo. I... I hope I'm not intruding."

"No, not at all. Though what are you doing here, I thought you were dead."

This seemed to upset Miko more. "I-I am dead."

"Oh..." Hinjo stood there feeling like an idiot. What was he supposed to say? She's psycopathic, yet here she is crying.

"I... I-I want to s-say I'm, s-sorry about everything that's happened, Hinjo."

"What?"

"Yes. Everything. Killing your uncle Shojo, nearly killing you, destroying the gate, getting O-Chul imprisoned, everything."

"Ummm..." Was this really Miko? "Uh.. why are you apologizing now? You didn't listen to reason when you were alive."

"Because I didn't know any better!" Wailed Miko sinking to the ground. "I thought all this time that the Order of the Stick were evil and they corrupted you." She puts her face in her hands. "It wasn't until after I was in the afterlife that I finally understood what was happening. Soon showed me what happened during the battle, how even the Halfling risked his life to save you."

"Did he? I didn't know." Hinjo starts approaching Miko.

"Yes, I thought they were evil because they lied about killing Xykon. But Soon explained to me that they didn't know about liches phlactery's yet. I just saw him and was ready to assume that they were working for him. Maybe that's why I believed his lies about them working for him so easily..."

Hinjo kneels down and puts an arm around Miko. "It's alright, bluff is a sorceror class skill. And with their charisma, it's hard to use sense motive on them."

"But I didn't even use sense motive on him. I instantly believed him."

"Oh, Miko." Hinjo shakes his head disapprovingly. "What were you think?"

"I told you, I wasn't." Miko lifts her head out of he hands. "I was just ready to believe him." She curls up around his chest.

"There, there. It's alright. We got through it in the end. You still haven't answered my question on why your here."

"I've been watching what's been happening to you guys from above. All the hardships with Kubota and everything. I've been begging for months to come back as a ghost, but Soon wouldn't let me. He finally gave me this one time to enter your dream and apologize."

"Well, then I forgive you for what's been done."

She looks up at him. "Really?"

"Yes, I do. Everyone makes mistakes Miko. Not even the Saphire Guard is impervious. Considering what Xykon did to them."

Miko wipes away her tears. "Thank you. Knowing that, I can rest easier in the afterlife. Though it's funny I was the stronger of both of us yet your still alive."

"Ya, though that was probably because of my position. Atleast I don't have to hear my uncle keep going on about finding me a girl."

"I always kind of hoped it would be me."

Hinjo looks down at her. "Really?"

"Ya. But I was more into honor and the oath that I took little time to acknowldge it."

"Well... honor has no real value in dreams right? Maybe we can do this right."

"Ya." Miko shifts and hugs Hinjo who returns the embrace. "This will be my parting present and good luck." She kisses him on the lips.

After a while, their lips part. "Maybe we need to do a little more... just to increase the good luck."

Miko grins. "Okay..." She starts to undress. "Ready or not, here I come."

What do you think?:smallcool:

[Kaytara]

(Incidentally, pls to ignore if this is too cheeky, but if any of the artists feel at a loose end for something to do and want to try making a Roy-snuggling-V banner, I would be deeply flattered and would probably make a number of inarticulate small squeaking noises.)

The banner stuff I'll leave to Zanaril or something... XD

But I thought the mental image was cute enough to give it a try, anyway. :)

http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/6888/royv.png

And a crappy filter-coloured version...
http://img40.imageshack.us/img40/1084/royvcolour.png

[esmerelder]

But I thought the mental image was cute enough to give it a try, anyway. :)

http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/6888/royv.png

And a crappy filter-coloured version...
http://img40.imageshack.us/img40/1084/royvcolour.png

OMG, OMG, OMG!
*dies of the cuteness*
*comes back to life just to grab V and Roy and hug them*

It's perfect! V's poor sad little face, and Roy's worried expression, and oh, you even put in the handkerchief!

Quite apart from my hyper fangirl-squee, the poses and facial expressions are really good, and I honestly think it's probably the best version of Roy I've ever seen you do. Thank you so much, I love it!

[Funky Goose]

(Incidentally, pls to ignore if this is too cheeky, but if any of the artists feel at a loose end for something to do and want to try making a Roy-snuggling-V banner, I would be deeply flattered and would probably make a number of inarticulate small squeaking noises.)

Not to disapointz!!! :smallbiggrin:

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2895.png

They better be Preeeeeety inarticulate for this...

[esmerelder]

*makes a noise so high-pitched that it is audible only to bats, hedgehogs, and Belkar*

AIEEEE! Thank you so much, it's adorable! And it's lovely to see them both looking so happy :smallbiggrin: Hmm, I had thought it was just a one-shot when I finished it, but perhaps I will have to write some more, if only to justify the wonderful artwork...

Seriously, thank you both so much, I feel very spoilt right now!

[Kyronea]

The Eye of Fear and Flame + Haley

American Japanese high school setting

Gah, and now I need to keep it PG-13. Ah, let's not bother too much with plot (and of course use all the anime stereotypes...). Probably quite NSFW towards the end:

Haley adjusted her uniform. She pulled her shirt straight, and checked whether her skirt was still in one piece.

She had just come off the Tokio underground, and again the women-only carriages had been full. So she had to take the mixed ones, full of the usual pervs. They had tried to molest her, as usual, but after what she had done to them, they'd never try again. The main issue with her solution would be that she just filled the women-only carriages a bit more... She did hope that none of them would circulate under-skirt mobile phone panty shots of her on the internet as a revenge.

But of course, all that was nothing compared to what she would have to do today. Haley grinned. The school she went to had been possessed by a truly evil demon. She really had to eradicate it today, otherwise the Order would be rather unhappy with her. Haley set off to her highschool in a determined mind.

Once there, she greeted several of her classmates. She quickly took the stairs to the second floor. But before she could reach it, someone called out her name.

"Hey Haley!"

Haley turned around. Of course it was him. Elan. Another member of the Order, but one that was kept out of the more 'special' operations. Why now?!? Just when she didn't need him at all. Elan ran to her, his blonde-tainted hair waving up and down.

"Look, Haley, I can make a puppet illusion with blue clothes!" With these words Elan showed off his newest puppet illusion. Haley looked at it, told him it was looking "Real good", and then made use of his puppet-obsession by pointing out some non-existing puppets and quickly slipping away while Elan looked for the puppets.

Haley quickly reached the second floor, and walked straight to the Biology Class. She carefully pushed open the door. No-one was there, as Biology classes only happened in the afternoon. She equally carefully closed the door, locked it, and walked to a cupboard. There He sat. His hollow orbits dark with emptyness, his bare bones hidden in the shadows. Although just a skull, this was a creature of pure evil, a tremendous demon from the nether dimensions. It spoke:

"Hey, chickie, come again to get spanked?"
"Nah, today it's you that is going to get spanked."
"Really?"

The skull's hollow orbits suddenly flamed with fire, and it launched itself out of the cupboard, narrowly missing Haley's head. The draft created by the sudden movement caused Haley to lose balance. She fell backwards. When she tried to right herself, she spotted the skull carefully inspecting her nether areas.

"Fancy panties, chickie. Pink with light blue lines. Mmmmmh, tasty birdie."
"Eye of Fear and Flame, you PERV! But this time I came prepared! Bag of Holding!"

Taking out her bag of holding, Haley plunged her hand into it, pulling a lighted firecracker out. She threw it right in front of the Eye, temporarilly blinding it. Haley lunged at the skull, and clasped her hands around it. The Eye of Fear and Flame gasped. Kneeling down, Haley brought it to the same level as her own head. She said, with malice in her eyes:

"I told you today was my turn."

(NSFW from here)

With these words she drew the skull closer to her face. She licked her lips. This was going to be fun. She then kissed the Eye right on his fleshless mouth. As again he gasped, she pushed her tongue into his mouth, licking his bare teeth and jaws, while at the same time stroking the back of the skull. She could see the fire in its eyesockets flare up. She moved her right hand so that she could hold the Eye tightly against her lips one-handed. With her left hand she began unbuttoning her shirt, revealing a sexy pink frilly bra. She pulled away from the skull. Pointing its eyesockets at her chest she said:

"Here, want to go down a bit?"

The Eye of Fear and Flame didn't answer. It oggled Haley's bra instead.

"I'll make it a bit easier for you. Like this." Grinning, Haley pulled down her bra, and lowered the Eye. "You may call me "Mistress", by the way."
The Eye stammered "A-Ar-Are y-you going to str-strip entirely?"
""Mistress"."
"Are you going to strip entirely, Mistress?"
"No, not entirely. Just enough for you to do your job."

Haley pushed the Eye against her chest, this time gasping herself. She then flicked up her short skirt, and slipped down her remaining hand...


And I'll stop there.

:eek::eek::eek:
:smallamused:

I liked that, actually. Especially the Mistress part.

[ClericOfBelker]

In his origonal post.
I myself am grateful to have been ignored. Putting yourself in your own work seems pretentious, like something Mookie would do.

... :smallmad: well Too Bad! You're going in it! :smallbiggrin:

[Kirby]

Hi Ive never made crack before so this one may suck.
Ok Time to roll... CeliaXVaausarvis with High heels and black leather :smalleek: Ok..


Vaasaurvis was in his room about to trance, when suddenly Celia came in. "Umm hello... why are you in High heels and black leather ?" asked Vaausarvis. "Oh No reason..." Celia said, then quickley yelled "Dominate Person!" "Wait wha..." But before vaausarvis could answer The elf fell under her spell.
"you are loyal to me and me only! "Understand?" Celia Comanded, "yes Misstres" the elf replied "good How about we go some where... private" "yes Misstres" the elf replied. The thing Celia didnt know was... that the spell had failed.
...Please dont Ban me

[Belkster11]

Can I have a banner made for my now finished Elan/Roy fic? Pretty please? :smallsmile:

[ClericOfBelker]

Hi Ive never made crack before so this one may suck.
Ok Time to roll... CeliaXVaausarvis with High heels and black leather :smalleek: Ok..


Vaasaurvis was in his room about to trance, when suddenly Celia came in. "Umm hello... why are you in High heels and black leather ?" asked Vaausarvis. "Oh No reason..." Celia said, then quickley yelled "Dominate Person!" "Wait wha..." But before vaausarvis could answer The elf fell under her spell.
"you are loyal to me and me only! "Understand?" Celia Comanded, "yes Master" the elf replied "good How about we go some where... private" "yes Master" the elf replied. The thing Celia didnt know was that the spell had failed.
...Please dont Ban me

...That...is..AWESOME!!!! :smallbiggrin:
Add this to your sig. Kirby!

Crack-Forging Master of the Temple of Belkar :belkar:

[Kirby]

Okay But is there any thing else i have to put in my sig?

[ClericOfBelker]

Okay But is there any thing else i have to put in my sig?

Nope! You also get paid 50 GP/Cookies (your choice) per Crack Pairing you send(PM) to the temple! :belkar:

[Kirby]

Ok Time to roll!!! :mitd: X :xykon: :smalleek: Ok ill work on this and post when its done.

[The Dark Fiddler]

Nope! You also get paid 50 GP/Cookies (your choice) per Crack Pairing you send(PM) to the temple! :belkar:

Not that I don't appreciate your enthusiasm, but who put you in charge? :smallamused:

Oh, wait, those cookies are yours. Never mind. I thought you were giving out the crack!cookies.


Belkar!cookies are yours.:smalltongue:

[ClericOfBelker]

Belkar! :belkar:

[Pyron]

Hi Ive never made crack before so this one may suck.
Ok Time to roll... CeliaXVaausarvis with High heels and black leather :smalleek: Ok..


Vaasaurvis was in his room about to trance, when suddenly Celia came in. "Umm hello... why are you in High heels and black leather ?" asked Vaausarvis. "Oh No reason..." Celia said, then quickley yelled "Dominate Person!" "Wait wha..." But before vaausarvis could answer The elf fell under her spell.
"you are loyal to me and me only! "Understand?" Celia Comanded, "yes Master" the elf replied "good How about we go some where... private" "yes Master" the elf replied. The thing Celia didnt know was that the spell had failed.
...Please dont Ban me

Spoiler tag for well, spoiler sake.
I think the disturbing part is the fact V is refering to Celia as 'Master' instead of 'Mistress'.

[The Succubus]

I'm not entirely sure how well this one turned out but I think it has potential as a series...

Miko continued her journey, the grey clouds in the sky mirroring her own mood. It seemed as though her meeting with Roy and the Order of the Stick had placed a curse upon her life. Before, she had been a shining example to the paladins of Azure City, never failing in her missions to bring the wicked and corrupt to righteous justice. Now, she was alone, abandoned by her former colleagues and even her gods – all that was left for her was revenge. Miko cast her mind back to the fateful deal she had made and the price it had cost....

********

“You...you came back...”

“Yes.”

“Have you come here to attack me again? Because quite frankly it was a pain in the neck last time.”

“Cease your foolishness. I have not sought you out for that reason.”

“Then why?”

“I...require the aid you suggested in the dungeon.”

“Oh wow, you mean you want to become a-”

“Yes. I seek bloody vengeance upon the Order of the Stick but as I currently am, I would be swiftly defeated should I try to face them.”

“Well honey...you came to the right girl,” said Sabine, with a wink.

*********

The temple loomed above them. Once, Miko would have found the building a source of inspiration and power, its ornate depictions of the Twelve Gods soothing her soul and renewing her determination. Now, it merely seemed hollow and empty.

“There are several ways to become a Blackguard. One is to murder a number of innocent people but I don't think you're up for that...”

“While I hate the Order of the Stick with every fibre of my being, I see no reason to drag civilians into our conflict.”

“Whatever. The other way is to defile a holy sanctuary.”

“How on earth would we do that?”

By way of reply, Sabine simply smiled and walked over to a large stone altar. The altar was surrounded by very small statuettes of the Twelve Gods and one in particular caught her attention. She beckoned Miko over and began to undress her. Sabine then made Miko lay down on the altar as she reached for a statuette of the Serpent God, with its long, straight body and smooth round head....

**********

As she recalled the blasphemous acts they had performed together and the dark words spoken by Sabine in the fiendish tongue, Miko was surprised to find the memories did not disturb her. All she could remember as the ritual reached its climax was a burning fire spreading throughout her body before descending into a dark pit of oblivion. When she came to, she was alone. Gone was her uniform of the Sapphire Guard, replaced instead by strange armour made of tight fitting leather and a sword with a blade as black as midnight. She quickly left the temple, anxious not to be discovered and began the long journey in her quest for justice.

[Dark Faun]

Interesting story Silverraptor. Of course, my interpretation of Miko is someone too proud to admit her mistakes and too strong to cry no matter the circumstances, but this was a good read.

MasamuneSSX, your story is good too, looking forward to more.

I wish I had as much inspiration as all of you. I still am blocked on my MikoxVaarsuvius and TsukikoxJirix stories. :smallfrown:

(Funky Goose, I believe the RoyxVaarsuvius banner is too big for the forums.)

[Kirby]

1: I never actually stated what was going on inside her head, only what she said out loud.

2: Again, there will be a plot device to help Miko see from their point of view. I can't see what it is, because its part of a bigger joke.


but Miko Is dead :smallconfused:

[Dark Faun]

Xykon reanimated her as a Death Knight.

[Meg]

but Miko Is dead :smallconfused:

THIS IS CRACKFIC! HOW DARE YOU BRING CONTINUITY INTO THIS!

[Malkar Grumbo]

I have a quick question. Can an undead be a Blackguard? And if not, is there an alternative. Because I have an undead Miko and I need it to be a type of undead warrior, but I am full of the dumb and have no idea what it could be.

[Lycan 01]

@ Silverrapter: Pretty cool story. I thought it was just going to be cutesy, and then the ending proved me wrong. :smalltongue:


@ Kaytare: THAT IS AWESOME!! :smallbiggrin: You made Roy look so COOL!! Sweetness!


@ Kirby: Both of yours were pretty good. Short, sweet, and to the point. :smallsmile:


@ MasamuneSSX: :smalleek: That was... interesting. Very well written, too. Should be interesting to see as a series...



Where'd all these Miko stories suddenly come from?! XD


Speaking of which, I'm about to start work on Chapter 2 now that I've got it all planned out. Should be up at some point this evening...



Edit:

@ Malkar Grumbo: Ahem... Death Knight? :smallwink:

[Malkar Grumbo]

Edit:

@ Malkar Grumbo: Ahem... Death Knight? :smallwink:

But doesn't that require them being a skeleton? I already made her an undead with Create Greater Undead, sort of want to keep the flesh part. Think I could just leave her an undead warrior?

[Kirby]

Okay Wow
Xykon had been watching the Monster in the Darkness trying to figure out this... this emotion he felt when he saw it. He had never felt it before but he... liked this feeling yet he felt it was... a hungering for something, then it struck him "Lust!" Huh? The Monster in the Darkness had heard Xykon. Lust!!! Must... Have Xykon started towerds the Monster in the Darkness with his arms out streched Whats going on? No NO GET AWAY!!! RED CLOAK!!! *wimper*

[Lycan 01]

Here we go! Part 2 of my Miko x Redcloak fic... But first...

Foreword

:roach:: Hmm... There seem to be a lot of problems with this story.
:roach:: Oh yeah? Like what?
:roach:: Redcloak has both eyes back, for one thing...
:roach:: Hmm...
:roach:: Plus, why isn't Xykon off looking for his necklace?
:roach:: I dunno...
:roach:: And that Paladin chick sure switched sides too easily...
:roach:: I have an idea...
:roach:: Oh yeah, what's that?
:roach:: Stop pointing out plot holes. If we ignore them, they don't exist...
:roach:: Oh right, I forgot this was a crack fic...
:roach:: Yeah, so stop nit-picking at it, and just enjoy the show!
:roach:: Sounds like a plan...
:mitd:: Anybody got any popcorn?


And now, on to our feature presentation...

Miko x Redcloak
PART 2

It took Miko a few moments to get the hang of her new body. It was bad enough she'd forgotten how to walk, due to her time in the Afterlife. But now she had to get used to being nothing more than a skeleton. The weight difference between being a walking bone structure and an armored human was quite noticeable. In fact, she lacked more than just armor. She lacked clothes. "Why am I naked?" Miko suddenly inquired upon realizing that she was completely exposed.

"Well, technically, you're a skeleton. You can't be naked, because you don't have anything to... well... cover," Xykon shrugged. "Although, Redcloak gets uncomfortable when I don't wear my robes, and Tsukiko just stares at me with this weird look that creeps me out... But don't worry. We'll be getting you a nice new suit of armor, as well as a weapon, right after we introduce you to being Evil."

"I never completely said I'd be Evil..." Miko replied flatly. "I simply said I'd destroy the Order of the Stick."

"Whatever helps you sleep better at night..." Xykon rolled his eyes. "Oh wait, that's another thing. You can't sleep anymore. All you can really do is sit there in the dark, and wait..." (:roach:: Just like Chuck Norris!)

"No matter. Sleeping would only bring me guilt-ridden dreams..." Miko sighed.

"On the plus side, you never have to go to the bathroom again!" Xykon jovially exclaimed. "And you never get tired or hungry. Although, I do miss coffee... Siiiiiigh..."

"So I'm capable of staying awake forever, never having to stop and rest, nor do I require food to function? So in essence, I'm able to never give up the hunt, while my prey would eventually have to stop for sleep or food, giving me the chance to overtake and destroy them?" Miko scratched at her jaw, contemplating the possibilities. "Perhaps this does have its advantages..."

"I'll let Redcloak fill you in on more Team Evil stuff. I've got to go take notes on this..." Xykon gestured over towards the Cleric of the Dark One. "He'll tell you some other important stuff." And with that, Xykon headed over to his desk, where he began to scribble down notes on scrolls and complain to his Hobgoblin guards about how much not being able to drink coffee sucked.

"Oh goodie..." Miko rolled her eyes. Same side or not, she felt nothing short of mistrust and disdain for the Goblin. She walked over to him, crossed her arms, and awaited his response. "So, what information do you intend to taint my soul with?"

"Hmph..." Redcloak narrowed his eyes at her. "Glad to see you're so open to it... Anyway, here's some important information you may find helpfull. First of all, you'll find that Lawfull Evil is a more rewarding alignment than Lawfull Good. You have so many moral obligations and such to deal with when you're Good. With Evil, you can cut straight to the point. For example... There's a killer on the loose. You want to stop him, but if you capture him he might escape from prison before his trail. Or he might have an air-tight defense, and be able to get out with little or no time served. But the rules of being Good forbid you from killing him and serving justice directly. Not if you're Lawfull Evil..." Redcloak shook his head, and smirked. "When you're Lawfull Evil, you can find the killer, and then execute him on the spot. Its Evil because you killed him, but its Lawfull because you did it for the greater good, and justice was served. See what I'm talking about?"

"That does make some sense..." Miko shrugged. "But what if he was innoccent?"

"Everyone is guilty of something..." Redcloak smirked. "Being Lawfull Evil gives you the ability to punish everyone in the way they deserve, rather than what's legal. A muderer with a good defence can get out with barely any time served, especially if he makes a plea deal. Is that justice? According to the rules of being Lawfull Good, it is. What of the man who steals from an old woman, who then gets her house foreclosed because she couldn't pay the bill on time? Lawfull Good says he only gets a few years for the money he stole, but she's still responsible for not paying her bills like the rules required her too. Lawfull Evil says the man should pay for every ounce of suffering he caused that old woman, one way or another. If his life is the price he must pay, then the old lady gets a new place to live. And it all gets resolved much, much quicker. See... Isn't Lawfull Evil more... fair?"

"I do see some reason behind what you're saying..." Miko grumbled. "What else do you have to tell me?"

"For one thing, you have to change your perspective. Civilians are no longer innocent, only in the way. Heroes are no longer the good guys, only Experience Points. And underlings..." Redcloak looked over at Tsukiko, and nodded.

"Hey Xykon!" Tsukiko exclaimed, suddenly pulling a dagger from behind her back. "Catch!"

"Dowhatnow?" Xykon looked over his shoulder, slightly confused. He suddenly realized that there was a dagger flying across the room at him. "Gah!" With quick reflexes, he reached out and grabbed one of his Hobgoblin bodyguards, and held him out in front of him as a human shield.

"HRUK!!" was the noise the Hobgoblin made as the dagger imbedded itself between his eyes. (:roach:: Oh Grark! We will never forget your heroic sacrifice! :roach:: Wasn't his name Klorn? :roach:: Pssh, I don't remember...)

Xykon tossed the dead underling to the ground, and let out a small chuckle. "Well, I feel a little bit better about the coffee now..."

"Ahem..." Redcloak coughed, regaining a mortified Miko's attention. "Underlings are now expendable, and also serve as very good meat shields."

"But... but he was on your side!" Miko growled. "He did nothing wrong, except for serving you with loyalty!"

"Meh, he signed a waiver..." Tsukiko smirked. "Besides, it helps younger goblins move up the chain of command and feel important about themselves. It gives meaning to their short, pointless lives..."

"His family will be imbursed for his tragic death, and it will serve as inspiration for his son to make something out of himself like his father wanted him too, rather than sit around wasting his life. And besides..." Redcloak grinned. "Aren't all Hobgoblins just Evil monsters, and deserving of nothing short of death?"

Miko could only glare at the Goblin. She dared not admit, especially to Redcloak, that she'd seen the Hobgoblin as anything more than an Evil blight upon this world. Finally, she growled: "So when do I get my new equipment?"

"Ah yes, Tsukiko will show you to the armory..." Redcloak nodded towards the young Necromancer. "I trust you'll help her find what she needs?"

"I'll make sure she's taken care of!" Tsukiko waved happily.

"And keep it professional... " Redcloak muttered.

"Alright, alright..." Tsukiko frowned.

"Now then, off you go..." Redcloak waved them off. As the Death Knight and the Necromancer left the room, he walked over to Xykon and sighed. "Does Tsukiko ever disturb you, sir?"

"Oh yeah, all the time..." Xykon chuckled. "Freaks the undead crap out of me. But we're low on serious Villain Cliches around here, and we needed a Bad Guy who had a disturbing quirk about them. She fits the bill, as much as it weirds me out..."

"So... What do you think about Miko?" Redcloak arched an eyebrow.

"I think the experiment is working out very well thus far," Xykon nodded, contemplating his findings. "She's probably still got that Paladin Stick lodged up her non-existant rectum, though. But she'll come around eventually..."

"So we're not going to tell her that existing in the form of an evil creature, such as a Death Knight, will slowly corrupt her way of thinking, as well as her very soul, and gradually turn her completely Evil?" Redcloak asked, a horrified expression adorning his face.

"Nope..." Xykon shook his head, his eyes closed in a cheerfull manner.

"Excellent..." Redcloak grinned. "But what if she decides to be Good again, and attacks us? You know she's probably just trying to get us to lower our guard..."

"Oh, I know," Xykon nodded. "That's why I put a special Mark on the inside of her skull, where she won't be able to see it. All I have to do is say the code word, and she'll be paralyzed. I considered just making it sort of a "self-destruct" spell, but I'd hate to let a perfectly good corpse go to waste, even if the spirit inhabiting it is a bit hard to work with..."

"Ooooh... Wait, that doesn't sound like something you're normally allowed to do. How'd you pull that off?" Redcloak arched a confused eyebrow.

"The wonders of Homebrew..." Xykon grinned, holding up a handfull of handwritten notes.

"Aaaaah..." Redcloak nodded slowly, and then bowed. "I stand in the presence of a master..."

"Darn straight!" Xykon threw his hands in the air triumphantly.

"I just have one more question, though..." Redcloak scratched the side of his head. "Do you have anything inside of your skull?"

Xykon narrowed his eyes. "Nothing that concerns you..." And with that, he sat down and went back to his notes. Redcloak sat there a moment, shrugged, and then headed off to go see how Miko and Tsukiko were doing. Although, part of him dreaded the possibilities of what he might find...

Phew... Glad that's done. What do ya'll think? :smallbiggrin:


Told you there'd be a plot twist to explain why Miko will be going evil... :smallwink:

[Sgeo]

It looks like there's a problem with the shipping thing.

With my tool? Please elaborate. "There's a problem" isn't helpful.

[Dark Faun]

So, I modified my banner to make it a little more readable, since black on black doesn't exactly allow details to be seen.

http://i697.photobucket.com/albums/vv331/Discordd/OotS/VaH-banner-light.png

Also, Lycan 01... I'm not an alignment expert, far from it since my D&D experiences is limited to video games, but I think what you described through Redcloak was Chaotic Good, not Lawful Evil.

[Silverraptor]

Interesting story Silverraptor. Of course, my interpretation of Miko is someone too proud to admit her mistakes and too strong to cry no matter the circumstances, but this was a good read.


Not when she's been in the afterlife for months being proven wrong on everything she believed in. If you were suddenly proven that everything, EVERYTHING you believe in is completely wrong, you'd cry too.:smallamused:

But anyways, thanks guys. I'm glad that I can produce stories of sufficent quality while staying within my trademark of present timing. If only others would read them though...

Edit: Hey anyone want to convert my stories into banners?

[The Succubus]

Some mighty fine crack from Lycan and Silverraptor there. I'm not entirely sure about the, uh, mechanics of Hinjo getting jiggy with a spectral Miko - I guess my brain must have a built in firewall for that sort of stuff. :smallbiggrin:

Kirby's stuff is good but needs a little more fleshing out I think - hope to see more =)

[esmerelder]

@ MasamuneSSX - I thought that was great, very atmospheric and creepy! More please.

@ Lycan 01 - I am enjoying the Dark Miko, and also the demon roach commentary!

I noticed that the Order of the Scribble had yet to get any love, so I'm throwing this into the pile. However, I should say that I don't own a copy of SoD, so apologise in advance if anything I've written here breaks canon for that book.



Girard knows all the reasons why male humans and female halflings getting together is a Really Bad Idea. He's heard all the obscene jokes, seen most of the bathroom graffiti. It's complicated. Not as though she were an elf, an Outsider, or even an Orc, for Loki's sake -- for some reason that he's never fully grasped, demi-humans of the same size are fair game, but other cross-relationships are considered gross and weird, or at best the subject of skeezy bar-room jokes about what one partner is the perfect height to do. He can imagine what the others would say -- Kraagor's quiet disapproval, Dorukan's jokes, Lirian and Soon exchanging that Look of theirs that says 'Oh dear Gods what do the Chaotics think they're doing now?'. He wonders about the physics of it all, too -- probably nothing a simple Potion of Heroism couldn't take care of, but still, imagine if he accidentally hurt -- *eeaargh*. Repressing a shudder, he imagines what his parents would do, he imagines what her parents would do -- hells, the nights have been so long on the Order's latest trek that he's even given some thought to the prospect of unappealingly short and furry-footed children with extremely unfortunate hair.

So many bad reasons, and only one good one, and it's dancing in and out of the firelight before him right now. Serini, Serini, rich brown eyes the colour of the last autumn leaves and a laugh that crackles like greenwood thrown on a bonfire. It's Harvest festival tonight, or at least it would be in sensible places where there actually *is* a harvest, and she's teaching anyone who wants to learn a dance from her home village. She says it brings good luck for the winter, and that's something the Order needs pretty badly right now.

'That's it, over, under and through!'. She skips, clapping, under the outstretched arms of Lirian and Dorukan and goes spinning around the fire, giggling and twirling in time to Kraagor's drum. Her face is glowing despite the cool of the evening, one shoulder of her orange dress slipping crooked and thick dark curls leaping and bouncing around her head. Girard can't take his eyes away.

He watches the pretty, laughing girl, dancing in the firelight with her friends. But in his mind he also holds the image of Serini as the woman who, when Soon has woken the entire camp with his nightmares, always mysteriously seems to be 'awake anyway, I don't need to sleep much, tee hee!' and to have a pot of his favourite tea on the fire. Who taught Dorukan how to darn his own socks (aparently it wasn't covered in wizard school), and who once loaned her entire share of the party's loot to Girard himself for some much-needed spell components and then 'accidentally' forgot to ask for it back. Layered on top of that, he thinks of her as she was the night they stormed the stronghold of the dreaded Baron Pineapple. Slipping halfling-quiet from shadow to shadow in the moonlight, tumbling locks and knifing assassins and smiling like a feral child when at last she held up her daggers dripping with yellow juice.

Serini, Serini, kind and sweet and wild and vicious, brave and beautiful and always and forever Serini. So many bad reasons, and only one good one.

Lirian collapses into the leaves beside him, dizzy and exhausted, and autumn-leaf eyes are crackling at him from across her tousled blonde head.

'Look, Draketooth, I broke the elf! Now, for the last time, you sitting there sulking all night, or are you dancing?'

That all depends,' he grins. 'You asking, Toormuck?'

The look on her face is his answer, so he takes her hand, pulls himself to his feet in one long graceful motion, and slowly begins to dance.



Bonus points to anyone who spots the gratuitous LOTR reference! :smallbiggrin:

[Kaytara]

Esmerelder, that was beautiful. :)

I really loved the first paragraph, such a touching writing style...

[Belkster11]

Damn, I'm finding myself extremely drawn to this. :smallamused:

I'll probably do a sketch (Don't know how to do Inkscape and upload it yet) and put it on here later.

Just warning: My drawings can be horrendious.

You don't mind if I do just crack drawings, right?

[Kaytara]

The more the merrier. Especially drawings. :D

[BatRobin]

V x Therkla (I'm going to have Therkla back from the dead for this, with True Ressurection)



"Agh, if only those diminuitive fools had not left me on this deserted island, I could have aided them well in the capture and death of that accursed lich sorcerer, considering I have destroyed the phylactery." The red-robed elf fingered their long purple hair, looking around for any kind of life on the island save the towering palm trees, small rainforests, and the occasional gull used for a quick lunch. Vaarsuvius's eyes flitted around, and suddenly focused on a large bush as she heard a large ruckus emit from it.
"Gust of Wind." The leaves and twigs flew away and the buush was uprooted from the sudden gust. A green-skinned being emerged from the ground and dissapeared as soon as V had seen it.
"Fireball. That should do the job." V watched as the small forest burned before its eyes. Suddenly a hand was drawn over V's mouth and it blacked out.

Therkla yawned and looked up at the stars.

"Ahh, NOW I know what gender the elf is."


Banner please. XD

[Meg]

Alrighty, here's two more pictures I drew. Once again, I apologize for my inherent inability to draw neatly.

RCxV

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2557/3932510166_c526e4eccf.jpg


Roy x V (wearing the wrong trousers, Gromit!)

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2641/3931732165_ee28b67b0e.jpg


As always, comments, critiques, etc. are welcome.

[Zanaril]

Roy x V (wearing the wrong trousers, Gromit!)

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2641/3931732165_ee28b67b0e.jpg


As always, comments, critiques, etc. are welcome.

The chainmail mini-skirt is disturbing. And looks painful to wear. Not to mention you'd get a bit chilly wearing just that.

I love it!

[Kaytara]

The chainmail mini-skirt is disturbing. And looks painful to wear. Not to mention you'd get a bit chilly wearing just that.

I love it!

I think even more disturbing is that the chainmail miniskirt belongs to Roy. :smalleek:

Love the drawings as well, though. XD I just melt at this particular style...

[Malkar Grumbo]

@Lycan

Good chapters, keep up the good work. Can't wait to see where it goes from here.

@Discord

I like the banner, it looks great.

@Esmerelder

I Love it! Love it! You're right, there aren't enough pairings with the Order of the Scribble, good show!

@CheeseMuncher

Those pictures are great, I especially like the VxRoy one. Chain mail miniskirt is very funny.

[BatRobin]

Any comment on my latest disaster? XD

[Funky Goose]

Can I have a banner made for my now finished Elan/Roy fic? Pretty please? :smallsmile:

Ho Ho Ho

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2830.png

do you make inarticulate noises too???

[Meg]

Thank you guys! :3 *shares cookies I just finished baking*

[BatRobin]

Any comments on my latest pairing?

[Ookami50]

Vaarsuvius+The Snarl...

I just... I just... I can't even finish the sentence

[BatRobin]

Vaarsuvius+The Snarl...

I just... I just... I can't even finish the sentence







WRITE ITTTT

[Thor Person Guy]

WRITE ITTTT







*opens spoiler*

...WHY?!?!!?

[Zanaril]

WRITE ITTTT



Mind if I do?


Vaarsuvius stood before the rift, the soft pink light tainting everything it touched. This.. monstrosity. It was where the true blame behind their woes lay, for without it, what would there be to defend against? Xykon himself was a threat, yes, but without this his schemes could never match their current malice. Unlike the lich, this was a thing of neither benevolence nor malignancy. Only power.

The elf was breathing heavily without realising it, face tilted up, eyes almost closed. Lips parted in a sigh. And what was the cost of power? One's family? One's very soul? Power was seductive, in more ways than one. And the elf knew it. This was the true love of its life; not a caring spouse, not even careful study. Simply this pure, untapped potential presented before it, uncontrollable and untouchable. Oh but it was so tempting to try. The elf's feet had left the ground, held aloft by power which was but a toy in comparison. The elf edged closer. Just a little bit closer...

[Ookami50]

It would make a... questionable drawing.

[Zanaril]

It would make a... questionable drawing.

And this is the thread where such questions are answered!

On a related note, why has nobody suggested adding Evan's Spiked Tentacles to the tables yet? (And would it be a character or a plot device?)

[MReav]

It would make a... questionable drawing.

I once made a quick and dirty Snarl/Mr Scruffy image. SNARL LOVE KITTY!

[BatRobin]

And this is the thread where such questions are answered!

On a related note, why has nobody suggested adding Evan's Spiked Tentacles to the tables yet? (And would it be a character or a plot device?)

Plot Device only useable with V or O-Chul.

[esmerelder]

@ Kaytara and Malkar Grumbo - thank you! :smallredface:

@ Belkster11 - more crack drawings = more fun yay!

@ CheeseMuncher - Eee! They're ADORABLE, thank you! I love the way you draw V, I think you captured hir androgyny perfectly, and the innocent expression on Roy's face - 'Um, yes, we've just been reviewing strategy in this tent all this time, honest. Chain-mail miniskirt, what chain-mail miniskirt?...' cracks me up completely.

[Belkster11]

Ho Ho Ho

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2830.png

do you make inarticulate noises too???

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!

*Saves to sig*

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!

*passes out from drinking too much*

[Sgeo]

And this is the thread where such questions are answered!

On a related note, why has nobody suggested adding Evan's Spiked Tentacles to the tables yet? (And would it be a character or a plot device?)

In general, could someone please PM me about additions to the tables, so I can update my roller as necessary? I might not check the thread this obsessively, the way I currently am, thinking only of people talking about something I wrote, not even caring about the fiction.

Sgeo + Egotism

[Kyronea]

@ MasamuneSSX - I thought that was great, very atmospheric and creepy! More please.

@ Lycan 01 - I am enjoying the Dark Miko, and also the demon roach commentary!

I noticed that the Order of the Scribble had yet to get any love, so I'm throwing this into the pile. However, I should say that I don't own a copy of SoD, so apologise in advance if anything I've written here breaks canon for that book.



Girard knows all the reasons why male humans and female halflings getting together is a Really Bad Idea. He's heard all the obscene jokes, seen most of the bathroom graffiti. It's complicated. Not as though she were an elf, an Outsider, or even an Orc, for Loki's sake -- for some reason that he's never fully grasped, demi-humans of the same size are fair game, but other cross-relationships are considered gross and weird, or at best the subject of skeezy bar-room jokes about what one partner is the perfect height to do. He can imagine what the others would say -- Kraagor's quiet disapproval, Dorukan's jokes, Lirian and Soon exchanging that Look of theirs that says 'Oh dear Gods what do the Chaotics think they're doing now?'. He wonders about the physics of it all, too -- probably nothing a simple Potion of Heroism couldn't take care of, but still, imagine if he accidentally hurt -- *eeaargh*. Repressing a shudder, he imagines what his parents would do, he imagines what her parents would do -- hells, the nights have been so long on the Order's latest trek that he's even given some thought to the prospect of unappealingly short and furry-footed children with extremely unfortunate hair.

So many bad reasons, and only one good one, and it's dancing in and out of the firelight before him right now. Serini, Serini, rich brown eyes the colour of the last autumn leaves and a laugh that crackles like greenwood thrown on a bonfire. It's Harvest festival tonight, or at least it would be in sensible places where there actually *is* a harvest, and she's teaching anyone who wants to learn a dance from her home village. She says it brings good luck for the winter, and that's something the Order needs pretty badly right now.

'That's it, over, under and through!'. She skips, clapping, under the outstretched arms of Lirian and Dorukan and goes spinning around the fire, giggling and twirling in time to Kraagor's drum. Her face is glowing despite the cool of the evening, one shoulder of her orange dress slipping crooked and thick dark curls leaping and bouncing around her head. Girard can't take his eyes away.

He watches the pretty, laughing girl, dancing in the firelight with her friends. But in his mind he also holds the image of Serini as the woman who, when Soon has woken the entire camp with his nightmares, always mysteriously seems to be 'awake anyway, I don't need to sleep much, tee hee!' and to have a pot of his favourite tea on the fire. Who taught Dorukan how to darn his own socks (aparently it wasn't covered in wizard school), and who once loaned her entire share of the party's loot to Girard himself for some much-needed spell components and then 'accidentally' forgot to ask for it back. Layered on top of that, he thinks of her as she was the night they stormed the stronghold of the dreaded Baron Pineapple. Slipping halfling-quiet from shadow to shadow in the moonlight, tumbling locks and knifing assassins and smiling like a feral child when at last she held up her daggers dripping with yellow juice.

Serini, Serini, kind and sweet and wild and vicious, brave and beautiful and always and forever Serini. So many bad reasons, and only one good one.

Lirian collapses into the leaves beside him, dizzy and exhausted, and autumn-leaf eyes are crackling at him from across her tousled blonde head.

'Look, Draketooth, I broke the elf! Now, for the last time, you sitting there sulking all night, or are you dancing?'

That all depends,' he grins. 'You asking, Toormuck?'

The look on her face is his answer, so he takes her hand, pulls himself to his feet in one long graceful motion, and slowly begins to dance.



Bonus points to anyone who spots the gratuitous LOTR reference! :smallbiggrin:

That was simply awesome. I'd like to see more about this pairing from you.

[Belkster11]

Prepared to be horrified!



And they say love is blind...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v307/LinktheZora/GAH.png

[The Succubus]

Hehehe - awesome drawing Belkster11! I think they'd make a great couple.

SHould soon have part 2 of Miko the Blackguard ready for tomorrow.

[Raging Gene Ray]

Prepared to be horrified!

And they say love is blind...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v307/LinktheZora/GAH.png

The pairing isn't that horrifying. Kind of cute actually. In fact, I hear they hint in a War and XPs bonus comic that it's actually canon. That pun on the other hand...ouch.

Despite what the spoiler in my sig would have you believe, I actually like Sangwaan/Hinjo somewhat. Sangwaan is a scholar who needs a warrior like Hinjo to protect her while Miko is a warrior who needs a scholar like Sangwaan to guide and instruct her.

[Malkar Grumbo]

Prepared to be horrified!



And they say love is blind...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v307/LinktheZora/GAH.png

Nice picture, but the pun... Oh my spleen!

[Belkster11]

I'm not that good at puns. :smalltongue:

[Raging Gene Ray]

I'm not that good at puns. :smalltongue:

At least you didn't say Hinjo had a blind date.

EDIT: Or was on a blind date.

[Belkster11]

At least you didn't say Hinjo had a blind date.

XD True, true.

I kinda like drawing better. :)

[ClericOfBelker]

MikoxRoy's Sword...

:roy:Hay! She's mine!!!

[Raging Gene Ray]

MikoxRoy's Sword...

:roy:Hay! She's mine!!!

Is Roy referring to Miko or the sword? By the way, let me expand on it a little: Miko/Celia/Roy's Sword

:miko: I call the hilt end!
Celia: Awwww :smallfrown:.

[Malkar Grumbo]

Once again here I am with another chapter to my story of forbidden, and frankly, slightly creepy love. In this chapter we skip ahead a couple of months to when Haley is running the Azure City Resistance. Now let's see what happens when our favorite Rogue encounters Miko, the undead warrior of doom! Mwahahaha!

Chapter Four: Walking a Mile in an Undead Man's Shoes

We begin our story three months after the fall of Azure City. The Hobgoblin Army led by Xykon, with extreme amounts of work by Redcloak, has fully subjugated the city and its remaining people. The survivors live in constant misery at the hands of the Hobgoblins. Speak of misery, it was the crack of dawn, and time for the slaves to be taken to their backbreaking labor. The Hobgoblins were yelling at the humans and whipping them to make them go faster.

"Ok, we need these humans over at the armory, they need to move some dangerous and deadly munitions before 11:00!" said the Hobgoblin Cleric in charge.

"Come on you lousy humans! Get moving!" yelled Random Hobgoblin Guard #1

"Yeah, you have a lot of heavy things to move from one place to another, and we don't have all day!" yelled Random Hobgoblin Guard #2, cracking the whip.

"Yeah, so get moving you stupid humans!" said Guard #1 as he raised his whip.

But suddenly the whip was cut in two by an arrow fired out of nowhere. The Guard looked down at his whip, puzzled. He did not have long to think on this as three more arrows struck him in the chest, killing him.

"Random Hobgoblin Guard #1!" yelled the Cleric in shock.

"His name was really Random Hobgoblin Guard #1?" said one of the guards.

"His parents were a little weird. But it does not matter now, where the heck did those arrows come from?" said the Cleric.

"From here horrendous and foul creatures!" said the voice from nowhere.

"Whose there? Who are you?" said the Cleric.

"I thought you Hobgoblins would know who we are by now. We are the ones who fight for the downtrodden. We are the ones who fight for justice. We are..." said the voice, then four people jumped out of the shadows.

"The Resistance!" said the person, now revealed to be Haley Starshine.

"You know, I still think we should be called the Azure City Underground." said Isamu.

"And I think we should have gone with the Sapphire Liberation Front." said Thanh.

"Why does no one like my name? I think Rebel Alliance has some punch to it." said Niu.

"Oh for the love of... Will you guys forget the name for now and just free these slaves." said Haley.

"Right, sorry Haley." said Isamu.

"Ok, Isamu and Niu, I want you to free the slaves and get them to the tunnels, got that." said Haley.

"Got it." said Niu as they ran off to their task.

"Thanh, do you think you can handle the remaining guards?" said Haley.

"Their blood will be but a small payment for the atrocities they have visited on my fair city." said Thanh, holding his sword tight.

"Right, now if you excuse me I have to take care of the cleric." said Haley.

Haley ran off in the direction the cleric had fled. As she ran she encountered Hobgoblin guards, but quickly dispatched them with a few well placed arrows.
Using every trick in the "Rogues Guide to Trickery." (Which is a real book, I'm not kidding. It would be a best seller too, if all the Rogues didn't steal their copies) Finally she had found the cleric, and readied herself for a fight.

"Ok buddy, it's the end of the road for you. Get ready for..." Haley said, but she didn't get to finish as the cleric launched a spell.

"Dancing Lights!" said the Cleric.

"Dancing Lights? What kind of low level excuse of a spell is that? Why would you use... dancing...lights..." said Haley, but then she noticed the cleric pointing up and looked skyward.

Hanging a few hundred feet in the air was a large diamond shape made of red lights. It was easily seen from the main tower and the security office therein.

"Hey, there seems to be a signal coming from the slave quarters area. What does a red diamond mean?" said one of the Hobgoblin Guards.

"I don't know, let me check the sheet." said the other Hobgoblin Guard.

He looked at the color coded sheet to see what the signal meant. When he got to the corresponding description his eyes bugged out.

"Well dang, this isn't good." said the Hobgoblin.

"What is it?" said the other.

"We have big trouble, that's what. Better send Black Squadron out on the double." said the Hobgoblon.

"Right, they'll be deployed immediately." said the other.

Meanwhile back with Haley and the Cleric, Haley was still in shock while the Cleric was smirking evilly.

"Now then, Whose at the end of the road again?" said the Cleric.

"Still you." said Haley, as she fired three arrows into the cleric's chest and then ran for it.

"Guys! We've got to get out of here!" said Haley as she ran up to the others.

"What, why?" said Niu.

"Because there's reinforcements coming!" said Haley.

"We can handle another bunch of guards, no problem." said Isamu.

"It's not guards I'm talking about, It's..." but she never got to finish, as suddenly Black Squadron telported in right behind them. (Three guesses who they are.)

"Hello Haley, nice to see you again." said Tsukiko, with her squad of wights and one familiar undead person behind her.

"Wish I could say the same." said Haley.

"Oh come now, is that anyway to speak to your future mistress? In fact I've brought your favorite playmate, and she's been dying to see you again." said Tsukiko, as Miko stepped forward. Dressed in the red and black armor Tsukiko had given her and with a black and deadly looking sword.

"Hello Starshine, it is an honor to be the one to end you." said Miko, an evil grin on her undead face.

"We'll see about that." said Haley, as she readied her bow.

"We shall indeed, prepare to die!" yelled Miko as she leaped at Haley.

Whew, that took longer then I expected. Darn life and such getting in the way and all. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I would love to hear what you think of it.

But before I end this, let us have a moment of silence for Random Hobgoblin Guard #1

...
...
...

Thank you, memorial services for Random Hobgoblin Guard #1 will be held at the First Church of the Dark One from 12:00 till 2:00 next Tuesday. Family and friends will be in attendance and the service will be open to the public, thank you again.

"Insert cliche memorial/remembrance music here*

[Malkar Grumbo]

Is Roy referring to Miko or the sword? By the way, let me expand on it a little: Miko/Celia/Roy's Sword

:miko: I call the hilt end!
Celia: Awwww :smallfrown:.

Someone please do this!

[Ookami50]

Although not strictly Oots related, crossover of The SnarlxCthulhu.

[Closak]

...
...
...:eek:


ABD x Belkar x Roy.
Plot device: Pregnancy.


ARRRRRRGH!!! *Shoves head into bucket full of acid*

[Zanaril]

...
...
...:eek:


ABD x Belkar x Roy.
Plot device: Pregnancy.


ARRRRRRGH!!! *Shoves head into bucket full of acid*

So... who's the father?

Also, why am I more disturbed my the prospect of half-dragon Belkar Jr.s than of the actual pairing?

[Closak]

I know, disturbing isn't it?

I knew coming here would end badly.
But apparantly i failed my Will save against curiosity.

[Meg]

I know, disturbing isn't it?

I knew coming here would end badly.
But apparantly i failed my Will save against curiosity.

A common reaction. Don't worry, you'll soon be over it.

[TheBibliophile]

I go to live in SMBG for a couple days and when I come back there's a new Esmerelder pairing!

I love it! I really do!

Also, this gives me a chance to state my theory that the best crack writers are female. Zanaril, Kaytara, Esmerelder, Water Smurf (sorry Minion)...it's just uncanny!

[Mr. Moon]

Jeeze, you guys have been busy.
Couldn't even wait for me to catch up.

Well, too bad. I wrote a ship anyway. So there. :smalltongue:



Haley stood at the entrance to the Oracle's tower, a spire in the center of the Sunken Valley, rising to kiss the sun. She'd left the others behind a while ago, scouting out ahead. The rogue was supposed to wait for her party at the door, but as she stood at the giant, oaken double doors, Haley felt a strange curiosity grip at her. Almost unintentionally, she took a step forward, then another. As the red-haired rogue drew towards the door, it swung open, revealing a large, dark entrance chamber. It was hard to tell how large the chamber was, even though it felt familiar, a nagging half memory that refused to be dug up. Haley paused a moment, a slight frown playing across her face. She hesitated a moment, then another, before taking a deep breath and stepping inside.

The floor was a cold marble, and even Haley's soft shoes were audible against it, echoing in the chamber. The rogue walked slowly, taking short steps with a hand out in front of her to avoid running into anything in the pitch darkness. After about a minute of this passed, a torch flickered to life on the wall across from her. Haley closed her eyes quickly, looking away to avoid being blinded by the sudden light. After a moment, she opened them again, to discover that three other torches had been light, allowing Haley to get a vague glimpse of the room around her. It was shaped in a huge, perfect circle, torches alight at the four cardinal points, the walls white marble, with shining gold bands running in rings around the walls, inscribed with... something. Some sort of writing. The flames danced, reflected in the gold, sending shadows to jump and dance among the four granite pillars that supported the roof of this great building, so high up that even Haley's sharp vision couldn't see it from where the pillars ended and the ceiling began, lost to shadows that seemed to be pressing down, fighting the meagre light provided by the four torches. The ground, however, was not marble like Haley had thought at first, but the same granite as the four pillars. As Haley looked about herself, spinning in a slow circle, she heard a voice from behind.

"You came. I missed you."
The rogue jumped in surprise, spinning and looking around wildly to locate the source of the voice. "Who's there?" Haley called into the flickering darkness.
"I'm up here, Miss Starshine." The voice wasn't humanoid, and carried a mix of longing and contempt. Haley obeyed, looking up at the source of the voice, and spotting a robed kobold standing on one of the gold bands that seemed to have extended from the wall and grown a railing, which the orange-scaled lizard was leaning against.
"... You're the Oracle?"
A sad smile crossed the kobold's face. "I am. You don't remember me, of course." He stood back from the railing, which sunk into the narrow golden walkway. He took a step forward, and instead of falling to his death, stepped onto some sort of magical pathway. It was invisible, except where his feet and tail touched it - white and gold tendrils of light flashed and dissipated. Haley stepped backwards unconsciously, but rather than making any progress runs into one of the pillars. The Oracle gave another sad smile at this, finally having reached the floor. "I knew you wouldn't remember me. No one does, that's just a part of the job." He looked down, then back up at Haley. He was close now. Close enough that if Haley reached out and leaned forward slightly, she could touch him.
She didn't.
"You've been here before. Several times."
"I know," Haley replied. "You... helped me with my problem... with Elan. Thank you."
Another sad smile. "How did that work out?"
"Not so bad. We dated for a while, but after Roy died... We split up. I haven't seen Elan... in so long..." The rogue frowned, unconsciously wrapping her arms around herself for some small comfort.
The kobold looked genuinely pained for the Haley. "I'm sorry..." He said, trailing off. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. "If it's... any consolation at all... I know how lonely you must feel."
Haley blinked. "You do?"
Nodding, the Oracle spoke; "I've met many, many people in my life. All of them come to me demanding a question be answered, then leave. They never remember me or who I am, beyond an oracle, and honestly, I wouldn't change that if I could. But sometimes... Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. Someone to love."

Haley looked down at the orange-scaled thing, and suddenly, she felt her wariness replaced with compassion. Here was a creature who felt the same feeling of aloneness that she did, and her heart went out to him. "Well... I suppose I could stay for a while. Do you have anywhere to sit down?"
The kobold looked up at Haley and this time there was no sadness in the smile he gave her.

******

The Oracle's personal rooms of the tower had none of the grandeur of the other rooms Haley had seen so far. It was... comfortable. Plenty of soft things to sit on. A fire in a pit, with a kettle of water hanging over it, for tea later. Haley sat near the fire on a large, soft pillow, the Oracle sitting next to her on a thick, padded mat. "So of course, he didn't like the answer, so the bastards, they pick me up by the legs, and they hang me out the window until I agree to answer two more questions!" He was saying, complete with animated geusters.
Haley gasped, laughing a little. "That's horrible!" She found herself leaning forward the kobold, enjoying his company greatly.
The Oracle grinned as Haley laughed. "Oh, I've had far worse happen." He assured her, dismissing the notion with a wave of his hand. He leaned closer to the red-haired rogue as well, and soon they were touching. Haley smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder, and sighing contently the kobold began to stroke her hair. Suddenly, the Oracle leaned forward, planting a tender kiss on Haley's lips, just brushing against them before pulling away. The rogue blinked, licking her lips instinctively.
She... hadn't expected that. But at the same time, she didn't object to it. After all this time alone... this kind of attention felt nice. The Oracle, however, wasn't privy to the fact that Haley didn't mind. When she looked at him, he looked away, clearly embarrassed.
Haley smiled, licking her lips again. "I don't mind, you know."
"Are... are you sure? You won't remember this. Not any of it."
Haley just nodded.
The Oracle smiled, wrapping his arms around Haley's waist and pushing her back against her pillow.

******

The next morning, Haley woke up in the arms of a stranger. She looked down at the small, yellow-scaled man for a moment, before last night's events came back to her. Smiling at the memory, Haley crawled out of the bed, which was really more of a pile of pillows, and began looking around the room. Surely there was a shower somewhere around here? A few moments of searching resulted in success, and when Haley returned to the bedroom, her hair in a towel, the Oracle was already awake.
"Last night was great." Haley said, but the kobold didn't return her smile.
"You... won't stay." He said, looking at her with great sadness in his eyes.
Her smile falling from her face like a stone, Haley sat down next to the Oracle. "I... can't. My party... they'll be here soon. I was sent to scout ahead..." She said, trying to explain.
The Oracle nodded, staring at the wall. "And when they get here?"
"They'll ask you their questions... and then we'll leave."
"Of course."
"I'm... I'm sorry."
"I know."

*******
"Um... Elan?" Haley frowned, a hand on her stomach.
Elan glanced up from tuning his lute, and smiled at her. "Yeah?"
"I... I think I'm pregnant..."

Yeah, I probably got some details wrong. Whatever. >>

[Carnivorous M.]

GAH! It happened again! I disappear from the space-time continuum for a few days, and we're on our second thread already!


Jeeze, you guys have been busy.
Couldn't even wait for me to catch up.

Well, too bad. I wrote a ship anyway. So there. :smalltongue:



Haley stood at the entrance to the Oracle's tower, a spire in the center of the Sunken Valley, rising to kiss the sun. She'd left the others behind a while ago, scouting out ahead. The rogue was supposed to wait for her party at the door, but as she stood at the giant, oaken double doors, Haley felt a strange curiosity grip at her. Almost unintentionally, she took a step forward, then another. As the red-haired rogue drew towards the door, it swung open, revealing a large, dark entrance chamber. It was hard to tell how large the chamber was, even though it felt familiar, a nagging half memory that refused to be dug up. Haley paused a moment, a slight frown playing across her face. She hesitated a moment, then another, before taking a deep breath and stepping inside.

The floor was a cold marble, and even Haley's soft shoes were audible against it, echoing in the chamber. The rogue walked slowly, taking short steps with a hand out in front of her to avoid running into anything in the pitch darkness. After about a minute of this passed, a torch flickered to life on the wall across from her. Haley closed her eyes quickly, looking away to avoid being blinded by the sudden light. After a moment, she opened them again, to discover that three other torches had been light, allowing Haley to get a vague glimpse of the room around her. It was shaped in a huge, perfect circle, torches alight at the four cardinal points, the walls white marble, with shining gold bands running in rings around the walls, inscribed with... something. Some sort of writing. The flames danced, reflected in the gold, sending shadows to jump and dance among the four granite pillars that supported the roof of this great building, so high up that even Haley's sharp vision couldn't see it from where the pillars ended and the ceiling began, lost to shadows that seemed to be pressing down, fighting the meagre light provided by the four torches. The ground, however, was not marble like Haley had thought at first, but the same granite as the four pillars. As Haley looked about herself, spinning in a slow circle, she heard a voice from behind.

"You came. I missed you."
The rogue jumped in surprise, spinning and looking around wildly to locate the source of the voice. "Who's there?" Haley called into the flickering darkness.
"I'm up here, Miss Starshine." The voice wasn't humanoid, and carried a mix of longing and contempt. Haley obeyed, looking up at the source of the voice, and spotting a robed kobold standing on one of the gold bands that seemed to have extended from the wall and grown a railing, which the orange-scaled lizard was leaning against.
"... You're the Oracle?"
A sad smile crossed the kobold's face. "I am. You don't remember me, of course." He stood back from the railing, which sunk into the narrow golden walkway. He took a step forward, and instead of falling to his death, stepped onto some sort of magical pathway. It was invisible, except where his feet and tail touched it - white and gold tendrils of light flashed and dissipated. Haley stepped backwards unconsciously, but rather than making any progress runs into one of the pillars. The Oracle gave another sad smile at this, finally having reached the floor. "I knew you wouldn't remember me. No one does, that's just a part of the job." He looked down, then back up at Haley. He was close now. Close enough that if Haley reached out and leaned forward slightly, she could touch him.
She didn't.
"You've been here before. Several times."
"I know," Haley replied. "You... helped me with my problem... with Elan. Thank you."
Another sad smile. "How did that work out?"
"Not so bad. We dated for a while, but after Roy died... We split up. I haven't seen Elan... in so long..." The rogue frowned, unconsciously wrapping her arms around herself for some small comfort.
The kobold looked genuinely pained for the Haley. "I'm sorry..." He said, trailing off. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. "If it's... any consolation at all... I know how lonely you must feel."
Haley blinked. "You do?"
Nodding, the Oracle spoke; "I've met many, many people in my life. All of them come to me demanding a question be answered, then leave. They never remember me or who I am, beyond an oracle, and honestly, I wouldn't change that if I could. But sometimes... Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. Someone to love."

Haley looked down at the orange-scaled thing, and suddenly, she felt her wariness replaced with compassion. Here was a creature who felt the same feeling of aloneness that she did, and her heart went out to him. "Well... I suppose I could stay for a while. Do you have anywhere to sit down?"
The kobold looked up at Haley and this time there was no sadness in the smile he gave her.

******

The Oracle's personal rooms of the tower had none of the grandeur of the other rooms Haley had seen so far. It was... comfortable. Plenty of soft things to sit on. A fire in a pit, with a kettle of water hanging over it, for tea later. Haley sat near the fire on a large, soft pillow, the Oracle sitting next to her on a thick, padded mat. "So of course, he didn't like the answer, so the bastards, they pick me up by the legs, and they hang me out the window until I agree to answer two more questions!" He was saying, complete with animated geusters.
Haley gasped, laughing a little. "That's horrible!" She found herself leaning forward the kobold, enjoying his company greatly.
The Oracle grinned as Haley laughed. "Oh, I've had far worse happen." He assured her, dismissing the notion with a wave of his hand. He leaned closer to the red-haired rogue as well, and soon they were touching. Haley smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder, and sighing contently the kobold began to stroke her hair. Suddenly, the Oracle leaned forward, planting a tender kiss on Haley's lips, just brushing against them before pulling away. The rogue blinked, licking her lips instinctively.
She... hadn't expected that. But at the same time, she didn't object to it. After all this time alone... this kind of attention felt nice. The Oracle, however, wasn't privy to the fact that Haley didn't mind. When she looked at him, he looked away, clearly embarrassed.
Haley smiled, licking her lips again. "I don't mind, you know."
"Are... are you sure? You won't remember this. Not any of it."
Haley just nodded.
The Oracle smiled, wrapping his arms around Haley's waist and pushing her back against her pillow.

******

The next morning, Haley woke up in the arms of a stranger. She looked down at the small, yellow-scaled man for a moment, before last night's events came back to her. Smiling at the memory, Haley crawled out of the bed, which was really more of a pile of pillows, and began looking around the room. Surely there was a shower somewhere around here? A few moments of searching resulted in success, and when Haley returned to the bedroom, her hair in a towel, the Oracle was already awake.
"Last night was great." Haley said, but the kobold didn't return her smile.
"You... won't stay." He said, looking at her with great sadness in his eyes.
Her smile falling from her face like a stone, Haley sat down next to the Oracle. "I... can't. My party... they'll be here soon. I was sent to scout ahead..." She said, trying to explain.
The Oracle nodded, staring at the wall. "And when they get here?"
"They'll ask you their questions... and then we'll leave."
"Of course."
"I'm... I'm sorry."
"I know."

*******
"Um... Elan?" Haley frowned, a hand on her stomach.
Elan glanced up from tuning his lute, and smiled at her. "Yeah?"
"I... I think I'm pregnant..."

Yeah, I probably got some details wrong. Whatever. >>



I can see it now...

:elan:: (holding creepy little kobold baby) Wow! I didn't know I was half-kobold!

[The Succubus]

Part 2 of Miko the Blackguard!

Miko began to climb the tower, at the top of which she hoped to find the location of the Order of the Stick. They had sought the Oracle's aid many times and each of their endeavours had met with success as a result She hoped that she too would have success.

Upon opening the door, she found her view of the chamber obscured by four steel pillars. In their shadow, she could see a small figure moving around. Probably a halfing or gnome, she thought.

“Greetings Oracle. I have come to seek your aid.”

“Honey, the sort of aid that you need is beyond me – I think you're looking for a highly qualified psychiatrist instead.”

“Enough of your insolence! Tell me what I need to know or-”

“Or what?”

Miko stepped back, a frown forming on her brow. She could see the Oracle clearly now – a small kobold in an ill-fitting robe and hat. Such a creature would pose no challenge for her newfound powers.

“Look up.”

What Miko had previously assumed to be a set of pillars were in fact the legs of two of the largest iron golems she had ever seen.

“After your little performance with those two hapless shmucks at the junction, I thought it only prudent to get a little outside assistance...."

*********

“Dude, check out the chick in the black leather! Let's totally mess up her head!”

“I'm so not up for that!” said the second guardian, a large grin forming on his face.

Miko approached the two guardians, her patience almost completely worn away after listening to the Voice drone on for sixty minutes. “I seek the Oracle. Which is the correct path?”

“Left,” said the first guardian.

“Right,” said the second guardian.

“One of us always tells the truth, the other always lies,” said the first guardian. “You are allowed one question.”

“One question? Very well...” said Miko.

SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!

“Now then,” Miko addressed the trembling guardian before her. “My question is this – have I just dismembered your colleague here?”

“YOU CRAZY B****! YOU JUST HACKED HIS ARMS AND LEGS OFF!”

“Left it is then. Thank you for your assistance.”

********

“There are two questions you actually want to ask me. The one you're about to ask me, I'll answer free of charge, as it is a goal I'm sympathetic towards, for various personal reasons involving windows and psychopathic halflings.”

“Where can I find the Order of the Stick?”

“You will catch up with them 6 days after arriving on the Western Continent.”

“Will I be successful in my task?”

“A choice of arms will decide the outcome of your quest.”

Miko frowned. Not quite the answer she was hoping for – she would meditate on the cryptic answer later. The Oracle stepped closer to her and the two iron golems moved to block the only exit from the room. His black eyes were shining with greed and something else she couldn't quite read.

“Now my dear, it's time to discuss your payment.”

Miko's expression changed from one of puzzlement to one of panic. Since her rebirth as a Blackguard, her purse had vanished along with her old uniform.

“Don't worry yourself, sugar,” said the Oracle, his long thin tongue gently caressing Miko's ear. “There's more than one way to settle a debt...”

**********

As she climbed out of the Sunken Valley, Miko pondered the mystery of the Oracle's message. Did it mean that she would need a magical weapon of some sort? Would her existing blade break during the battle? Such questions would need to be resolved before the final confrontation.

She also found herself wondering about the soreness between her legs and the faint reptilian bite mark on her neck....

@Moon Called - great minds think alike, eh? ;)

[Mr. Moon]

I can see it now...

:elan: (holding creepy little kobold baby) Wow! I didn't know I was half-kobold!
XDD
Oh man, I love that mental image. ^^



@Moon Called - great minds think alike, eh? ;)

*giggles*
Small minds seldom differ. :smallwink:

[Moskstraumen]

Hi!

Julio ScoundrelxSarah Greenhilt
Plot device: French Maid costume
Why am I not surprised?

[Dra-Goon]

Sooooo. Remember I rolled Roy's sword x Bone golem Roy on a desert island and with true love?

Well, I figured I could actually write it. Prepare the brain bleach and keep it handy, cause you're gonna need it. Not actually NSFW:

Due to a mysterious cataclysmic event, bone golem Roy and Roy's sword ended up on a deserted island with exactly two trees at the center and sand everywhere else, except obviously there where the sea was.

A few months had passed by now, and the lack of food, water, and social interaction (as far as a bone golem needs them) were taking their toll on bone golem Roy. Today he was wandering around the beaches in his usual sorry state.

"Bweeeuuuuaaaaahhhh"

On the other hand, Roy's sword had none of these problems. The salt had not damaged its metal in any way, while the sanding action of the sand carried by the wind had kept its surface smooth and glistening. Today some sea water kept rolling over Roy's sword, giving it a decidedly wet appearance.

Until now, bone golem Roy had felt only somewhat lonely, mostly missing a Master. The palm trees had not showed any interest in him, instead dropping coconuts on his head. Now bone golem Roy ambled towards the beach on which Roy's sword lay baking in the sun. Bone golem Roy spotted it instantly, and something about its position awoke something in him. Something fiery.

"Neeeeehhhhhhhhd Looooaaaaav"

He eyeballed Roy's sword. Waves splashed over Roy's sword glistening metal body, and the hot sun made it gleam. Hundreds of droplets reflected the sun at once. Bone golem Roy only knew one way to react:

"Shhhwwwwooaaard Looooooaaaav Meeeeeeeh?"

Roy's sword caught some sunlight on its tip, shining the light back at Bone golem Roy, apparently acquiescing his question.

"Shhhwwwwooaaard Looooooaaaav Meeeeeeeh!!!!!!"

Bone golem Roy threw himself at Roy's sword, tightly embracing it. He began stroking Roy's sword heft, and soon called out:

"UUuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhHHhh! Shhhhwooaard LOAAAAAAVSSS MEEEEEEH!!!"


:smalleek:

Good. Now put up your hand if my story just broke your brain.:smallwink:

[Carnivorous M.]

-hands stays down- My brain left burns down the sides of my head on its way out long ago.



"Shhhwwwwooaaard Looooooaaaav Meeeeeeeh?"


For some reason, that made me go 'awww'. :smallsmile: I do love my mental images. :smallbiggrin:

[Taekwondodo]

Part 2 of Miko the Blackguard!

Miko began to climb the tower, at the top of which she hoped to find the location of the Order of the Stick. They had sought the Oracle's aid many times and each of their endeavours had met with success as a result She hoped that she too would have success.

Upon opening the door, she found her view of the chamber obscured by four steel pillars. In their shadow, she could see a small figure moving around. Probably a halfing or gnome, she thought.

“Greetings Oracle. I have come to seek your aid.”

“Honey, the sort of aid that you need is beyond me – I think you're looking for a highly qualified psychiatrist instead.”

“Enough of your insolence! Tell me what I need to know or-”

“Or what?”

Miko stepped back, a frown forming on her brow. She could see the Oracle clearly now – a small kobold in an ill-fitting robe and hat. Such a creature would pose no challenge for her newfound powers.

“Look up.”

What Miko had previously assumed to be a set of pillars were in fact the legs of two of the largest iron golems she had ever seen.

“After your little performance with those two hapless shmucks at the junction, I thought it only prudent to get a little outside assistance...."

*********

“Dude, check out the chick in the black leather! Let's totally mess up her head!”

“I'm so not up for that!” said the second guardian, a large grin forming on his face.

Miko approached the two guardians, her patience almost completely worn away after listening to the Voice drone on for sixty minutes. “I seek the Oracle. Which is the correct path?”

“Left,” said the first guardian.

“Right,” said the second guardian.

“One of us always tells the truth, the other always lies,” said the first guardian. “You are allowed one question.”

“One question? Very well...” said Miko.

SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!

“Now then,” Miko addressed the trembling guardian before her. “My question is this – have I just dismembered your colleague here?”

“YOU CRAZY B****! YOU JUST HACKED HIS ARMS AND LEGS OFF!”

“Left it is then. Thank you for your assistance.”

********

“There are two questions you actually want to ask me. The one you're about to ask me, I'll answer free of charge, as it is a goal I'm sympathetic towards, for various personal reasons involving windows and psychopathic halflings.”

“Where can I find the Order of the Stick?”

“You will catch up with them 6 days after arriving on the Western Continent.”

“Will I be successful in my task?”

“A choice of arms will decide the outcome of your quest.”

Miko frowned. Not quite the answer she was hoping for – she would meditate on the cryptic answer later. The Oracle stepped closer to her and the two iron golems moved to block the only exit from the room. His black eyes were shining with greed and something else she couldn't quite read.

“Now my dear, it's time to discuss your payment.”

Miko's expression changed from one of puzzlement to one of panic. Since her rebirth as a Blackguard, her purse had vanished along with her old uniform.

“Don't worry yourself, sugar,” said the Oracle, his long thin tongue gently caressing Miko's ear. “There's more than one way to settle a debt...”

**********

As she climbed out of the Sunken Valley, Miko pondered the mystery of the Oracle's message. Did it mean that she would need a magical weapon of some sort? Would her existing blade break during the battle? Such questions would need to be resolved before the final confrontation.

She also found herself wondering about the soreness between her legs and the faint reptilian bite mark on her neck....

@Moon Called - great minds think alike, eh? ;)

:smalleek: Holy Spork... Slightly sinister use of the memory charm by the oracle.

...vibrating mascara?!?!?! (watching tv)

[Carnivorous M.]

And then Haley goes back to the valley to ask the Oracle why she gave birth to a kobold. Hilarity Ensues.

[ClericOfBelker]

Is Roy referring to Miko or the sword?


Yes :smallamused:!

[Malkar Grumbo]

Part 2 of Miko the Blackguard!

Miko began to climb the tower, at the top of which she hoped to find the location of the Order of the Stick. They had sought the Oracle's aid many times and each of their endeavours had met with success as a result She hoped that she too would have success.

Upon opening the door, she found her view of the chamber obscured by four steel pillars. In their shadow, she could see a small figure moving around. Probably a halfing or gnome, she thought.

“Greetings Oracle. I have come to seek your aid.”

“Honey, the sort of aid that you need is beyond me – I think you're looking for a highly qualified psychiatrist instead.”

“Enough of your insolence! Tell me what I need to know or-”

“Or what?”

Miko stepped back, a frown forming on her brow. She could see the Oracle clearly now – a small kobold in an ill-fitting robe and hat. Such a creature would pose no challenge for her newfound powers.

“Look up.”

What Miko had previously assumed to be a set of pillars were in fact the legs of two of the largest iron golems she had ever seen.

“After your little performance with those two hapless shmucks at the junction, I thought it only prudent to get a little outside assistance...."

*********

“Dude, check out the chick in the black leather! Let's totally mess up her head!”

“I'm so not up for that!” said the second guardian, a large grin forming on his face.

Miko approached the two guardians, her patience almost completely worn away after listening to the Voice drone on for sixty minutes. “I seek the Oracle. Which is the correct path?”

“Left,” said the first guardian.

“Right,” said the second guardian.

“One of us always tells the truth, the other always lies,” said the first guardian. “You are allowed one question.”

“One question? Very well...” said Miko.

SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!

“Now then,” Miko addressed the trembling guardian before her. “My question is this – have I just dismembered your colleague here?”

“YOU CRAZY B****! YOU JUST HACKED HIS ARMS AND LEGS OFF!”

“Left it is then. Thank you for your assistance.”

********

“There are two questions you actually want to ask me. The one you're about to ask me, I'll answer free of charge, as it is a goal I'm sympathetic towards, for various personal reasons involving windows and psychopathic halflings.”

“Where can I find the Order of the Stick?”

“You will catch up with them 6 days after arriving on the Western Continent.”

“Will I be successful in my task?”

“A choice of arms will decide the outcome of your quest.”

Miko frowned. Not quite the answer she was hoping for – she would meditate on the cryptic answer later. The Oracle stepped closer to her and the two iron golems moved to block the only exit from the room. His black eyes were shining with greed and something else she couldn't quite read.

“Now my dear, it's time to discuss your payment.”

Miko's expression changed from one of puzzlement to one of panic. Since her rebirth as a Blackguard, her purse had vanished along with her old uniform.

“Don't worry yourself, sugar,” said the Oracle, his long thin tongue gently caressing Miko's ear. “There's more than one way to settle a debt...”

**********

As she climbed out of the Sunken Valley, Miko pondered the mystery of the Oracle's message. Did it mean that she would need a magical weapon of some sort? Would her existing blade break during the battle? Such questions would need to be resolved before the final confrontation.

She also found herself wondering about the soreness between her legs and the faint reptilian bite mark on her neck....

@Moon Called - great minds think alike, eh? ;)

That is one horny little kobold, good work! You too Moon Called.

[ClericOfBelker]

the prospect of half-dragon Belkar Jr.s
AWESOME!!!!!!
:belkar: :Prepare to die!
:smallsmile: :HA HA! Look guys it's a shorty! :smallamused:
:belkar: :Dragon Breath!
KA-ROAST!!!!

[Funky Goose]

AWESOME!!!!!!
:belkar: :Prepare to die!
:smallsmile: :HA HA! Look guys it's a shorty! :smallamused:
:belkar: :Dragon Breath!
KA-ROAST!!!!

Prepare for the awsomeness of...

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path3034.png

BADLY DRAWN HALF-DRAGON LIKE BEKLAR TYPE OBJECT!!!

[Meg]

Prepare for the awsomeness of...

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path3034.png

BADLY DRAWN HALF-DRAGON LIKE BEKLAR TYPE OBJECT!!!

*trembles* Nooo!

[The Succubus]

It's like a match made in Hell.

Minor quibble - maybe add a tail of some sort?

[Zanaril]

Prepare for the awsomeness of...

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path3034.png

BADLY DRAWN HALF-DRAGON LIKE BEKLAR TYPE OBJECT!!!

You should have made it a baby half-dragon-half-halfling-thing.

[esmerelder]

@ Raging Gene Ray - 'I call the hilt end'. Aargh! :smalleek: Congratulations, that's the first time I've actually seriously had to reach for the brain bleach on this whole thread. Well played, sir.

@ Belkster11 - Awww! I forgive the pun for the cuteness of the pairing.

@ Malkar Grumbo - *removes hat out of respect for Random Hobgoblin Guard #1* Nice work! Your Tsukiko is impressively creepy.

@ Moon_Called - Eek! I'm not sure whether I'm more disturbed by the thought of half-kobold half-Haley children, or the fact that you actually managed to make the Oracle into such a sympathetic character.

@ MasamuneSSX - Love it! The Oracle is certainly doing well out of this thread today... :smallbiggrin:

@ Dra-Goon - Bone Golem Roy is adorable! I wonder if he and Thog would play nicely together?

@ Kyronea and TheBibliophile - thank you! I've decided I really like Serini/Girard as a pairing too, so I'm working on a little companion piece - it's not really a sequel, more the other side of the story. Will be up shortly!

[xelliea]

Hi Ive never made crack before so this one may suck.
Ok Time to roll... CeliaXVaausarvis with High heels and black leather :smalleek: Ok..


Vaasaurvis was in his room about to trance, when suddenly Celia came in. "Umm hello... why are you in High heels and black leather ?" asked Vaausarvis. "Oh No reason..." Celia said, then quickley yelled "Dominate Person!" "Wait wha..." But before vaausarvis could answer The elf fell under her spell.
"you are loyal to me and me only! "Understand?" Celia Comanded, "yes Misstres" the elf replied "good How about we go some where... private" "yes Misstres" the elf replied. The thing Celia didnt know was... that the spell had failed.
...Please dont Ban me

A banner of this would be fun. :smallamused: I would use it.

[Taekwondodo]

Sorry it's been a long time coming I realised that remove curse was a touch spell and as such had to revise my ending (it was a lot funnier but less "Awww".). I also had a hard time coming up with a meeting place, Julio always seems to pick up people in bars in my head!

The Origin of Love
She leaned on the railing at the edge of the harbour, the breeze blowing off the sea lifting her green cloak and ruffling her long, blond hair. A hand trailed lightly up her back and rested on her shoulder.

“Nale, honey?” murmured Sabine “Are you ok? Thog said he was sorry. He didn’t mean to mix the loot with our clothes, and for you to pick up the belt of gender-changing was just bad luck. Anyway you look totally hot as a girl!”

Nale turned around and gave her a look. “You’re not really helping. Although it does agree with my plan of evil opposites. How long until you can remove this curséd belt?”

“I’ll need to go and blag the remove curse spell from someone so it’ll probably be a couple of days.”

“Very well, I guess I shall have to deal with it until then.” She pulled her close then, realising that their bodies didn’t seem to fit together anymore, put her hands on her shoulders and smiled at her. “Until your return.” With Sabine’s departure she returned to his gazing out to sea, the endless crashing of the waves a balm to her roiling and confused thoughts.


X X X

The Mechane, airship of the world-famous sky pirate, renown ladies’ man and all-around dashing action hero Julio Scoundrél, skimmed low over the ocean. The wind sung gaily through the rigging and the whole ship seemed to revel in the majesty of flight. Captain Scoundrél, striking a suitably dashing pose, was standing at the bow scanning the horizon. (I see him right at the front, one foot resting on the edge and one hand holding some rigging)

“Look men a town! How about we go ashore for a little R&R?”

Flying low over the harbour and trying to find a place to set down he noticed a lone figure standing at the railing. Their eyes met for only a moment but in that moment the world seemed to slow on its axis. There may have been bluebirds, there may have been an orchestra but all either of them were certain of was that after the ship had passed on they had to find each other again. Leaving his first mate to dock the Mechane, Julio swung onto the harbour and ran back to where he had seen her. She was waiting for him and they clasped hands and stared in to each others eyes. Julio was the first to speak.

“At first when I saw you there you were so familiar, but I couldn’t understand why. Now I know. I can tell by your expression that the pain down in your soul is the same as the one down in mine.”

Nale glanced away. “I...I think so, but...”

Julio shushed her with a finger against her lips. “Whatever it is it doesn’t matter for we only have this one night together. I must return to my ship and crew tomorrow.”

She lifted tear filmed eyes to his. “Then let us make this count.” And kissed him.


X X X

“Remove curse!” Sabine held up the belt of gender-changing triumphantly. “What’s wrong Nale? I thought you’d be happy to be male again.” a seductive note entered her voice and she rubbed against him, “Want to make sure everything still works?”

“No thanks. I...I’m going for a walk, to clear my head.” For even though he knew he was gone a small kernel of hope still burned. Maybe, just maybe he would see him again. Someday.

Well? That darn song has been going round my head all day so thought I'd give it a cameo.

EDIT: *refresh* *refresh* *refresh* Ah! Oh, no it's not... *refresh* *refresh* Screw this I'm going to bed!

[Malkar Grumbo]

@Funky Goose

That frightens me on so many levels, great job!

@esmerelder

Thank you for the complment, I try my best:smallbiggrin: Although I get the feeling I'm trying to write the War and Peace of crack fic (In length, not quality) I mean I'm four chapters in, and the next two involve Haley being converted to EVIIIIIIL! That's not even including what I have to do to get to the end. But I do it because it's fun.

@Taekwondodo

Gender bent Nale and Julio. Nice, very nice indeed. :smallamused:

[esmerelder]

Finished, hooray!

This is a companion piece to my first Order of the Scribble story, which is on Page 6 of this thread -- it may not make a lot of sense if you haven't read the earlier one.

Ten Things That Girard Draketooth Doesn't Know About Serini Toormuck:



1. That she has had a thing for him since the day Soon announced 'We're getting an illusionist' and the inn door banged open to reveal a tall, red-haired and red-cloaked stranger.

2. That her better nature forces her to tell herself that she fell in love with his sad, cold steel-grey eyes, the colour of the sea after rain, and his smile, which is sweet and sudden as a shaft of sunlight bursting through the thundercloud of his terrible scars.

3. That this is actually a load of nefarious unicorn-hockey -- deep down, she knows perfectly well that it has a lot more to do with the fact that he combines a really nice pair of skin-tight blue dragonhide trousers with an extremely nice backside, and always seems to march directly in front of her in line.

4. That, far from being the delicate little Small-sized flower that he imagines, she grew up in a mixed village and has had a thing for taller men ever since she first stood on a stack of grimoires in order to make out with Bobby Grukman (6'1", and captain of the school orc-ball team) the night of her junior high-school graduation.

5. That every teasing remark he's ever sent in her direction, every mock-scolding she's fired back at him, each time they sardonically refer to one another as 'Draketooth' and 'Toormuck', feels as good as a hug or a present from anybody else.

6. That she suspects her feelings may be returned -- a halfling nose for pheromones is a useful thing at times -- and has been so confused and frustrated by his failure to make a move that a) she's bored Lirian to tears by talking about it in ladies' rooms all over the Western Continent, b) a small patch of hair on her left foot has started falling out, and c) her diary is now so full of scribbled love-hearts and embarrassing poetry that she's extremely glad nobody else will ever read it.

7. That while the dance that she's been teaching the rest of the Order really is an old halfling good luck dance, she hasn't told anyone except Lirian exactly what sort of good luck it invokes. Dorukan would probably be a bit shocked (but secretly amused!) if he realised the traditional meaning behind the arm gestures he's been doing with the elf, and if Kraagor knew the words that go with the tune he's been beating out on his shield-drum, he'd probably burn it on the spot and have to send back to the Dwarven Lands for a new one. It's not a love spell as such, and it certainly won't make anyone do anything that they didn't already want to do -- Serini's a rogue, not a rapist -- but the magic is an ancient one designed to, um, speed the natural process along a little.

8. That the 40% proof Captaine Jacke's Olde Original Coconut Rum she dumped into everyone's cocoa after dinner probably hasn't hurt matters either.

9. That as the drumbeats wind down -- Kraagor's tired out at last, and Soon is nodding into his cocoa mug -- and Dorukan and Lirian collapse into a pile of yellow robes and golden hair and hormones on the other side of the clearing, she's more than a little nervous. If her nose has misled her after all, she's going to feel pretty stupid in the morning. Not to mention the fact that her bedroll is going to seem colder than ever tonight...

Then she looks up as he looks down, autumn leaves pierced by steel, and she holds her breath and lifts her arms and is swept up and away. She's snuggling into his chest, silk shirt and warm skin like velvet as he holds her tight, and when she kisses him it tastes like coconut and chocolate, and then her hands are in his hair and his hands are everywhere, and maybe, maybe...

10. Maybe her better nature has a point about the smile thing after all.

[Malkar Grumbo]

Finished, hooray!

This is a companion piece to my first Order of the Scribble story, which is on Page 6 of this thread -- it may not make a lot of sense if you haven't read the earlier one.

Ten Things That Girard Draketooth Doesn't Know About Serini Toormuck:



1. That she has had a thing for him since the day Soon announced 'We're getting an illusionist' and the inn door banged open to reveal a tall, red-haired and red-cloaked stranger.

2. That her better nature forces her to tell herself that she fell in love with his sad, cold steel-grey eyes, the colour of the sea after rain, and his smile, which is sweet and sudden as a shaft of sunlight bursting through the thundercloud of his terrible scars.

3. That this is actually a load of nefarious unicorn-hockey -- deep down, she knows perfectly well that it has a lot more to do with the fact that he combines a really nice pair of skin-tight blue dragonhide trousers with an extremely nice backside, and always seems to march directly in front of her in line.

4. That, far from being the delicate little Small-sized flower that he imagines, she grew up in a mixed village and has had a thing for taller men ever since she first stood on a stack of grimoires in order to make out with Bobby Grukman (6'1", and captain of the school orc-ball team) the night of her junior high-school graduation.

5. That every teasing remark he's ever sent in her direction, every mock-scolding she's fired back at him, each time they sardonically refer to one another as 'Draketooth' and 'Toormuck', feels as good as a hug or a present from anybody else.

6. That she suspects her feelings may be returned -- a halfling nose for pheromones is a useful thing at times -- and has been so confused and frustrated by his failure to make a move that a) she's bored Lirian to tears by talking about it in ladies' rooms all over the Western Continent, b) a small patch of hair on her left foot has started falling out, and c) her diary is now so full of scribbled love-hearts and embarrassing poetry that she's extremely glad nobody else will ever read it.

7. That while the dance that she's been teaching the rest of the Order really is an old halfling good luck dance, she hasn't told anyone except Lirian exactly what sort of good luck it invokes. Dorukan would probably be a bit shocked (but secretly amused!) if he realised the traditional meaning behind the arm gestures he's been doing with the elf, and if Kraagor knew the words that go with the tune he's been beating out on his shield-drum, he'd probably burn it on the spot and have to send back to the Dwarven Lands for a new one. It's not a love spell as such, and it certainly won't make anyone do anything that they didn't already want to do -- Serini's a rogue, not a rapist -- but the magic is an ancient one designed to, um, speed the natural process along a little.

8. That the 40% proof Captaine Jacke's Olde Original Coconut Rum she dumped into everyone's cocoa after dinner probably hasn't hurt matters either.

9. That as the drumbeats wind down -- Kraagor's tired out at last, and Soon is nodding into his cocoa mug -- and Dorukan and Lirian collapse into a pile of yellow robes and golden hair and hormones on the other side of the clearing, she's more than a little nervous. If her nose has misled her after all, she's going to feel pretty stupid in the morning. Not to mention the fact that her bedroll is going to seem colder than ever tonight...

Then she looks up as he looks down, autumn leaves pierced by steel, and she holds her breath and lifts her arms and is swept up and away. She's snuggling into his chest, silk shirt and warm skin like velvet as he holds her tight, and when she kisses him it tastes like coconut and chocolate, and then her hands are in his hair and his hands are everywhere, and maybe, maybe...

10. Maybe her better nature has a point about the smile thing after all.



Good work! I love it, hope to see more of this relationship. :smallbiggrin:

[Kaytara]

Absolutely fricking adorable, esmerelder. :')

[Carnivorous M.]

Esmerelder?

YOU ARE A GOD.

Just sayin'.

[Kaytara]

Well, I am nowhere near Esmerelder in the skill of being eloquently concise - but then, my fics tend to be dialogue-focussed so it probably follows. Besides, this might not be the right crowd to apologise for a LONG fic to. XD

The second part of Vaarsuvius x Durkon. And it's still not finished. And the "pairing" part is still very fuzzy and open to interpretation... sigh. I'll make it work out somehow.
And it's LONG. XD Doubly so given the narrow format of the forum posts...

Vaarsuvius was struggling, waves of resentment rolling off of him, as was to be expected when one was being forcibly dragged by a determined, grumpy dwarf.

Durkon ignored the elf's protests as he pushed open the door to the kitchen and entered. It was empty, as was to be expected this late in the day, but Durkon didn't need help to find the leftover soup from today's dinner. Not releasing the increasingly agitated elf, Durkon scooped some of it into a bowl and set it on the table, a few candles supplying the only illumination in the otherwise dim chamber.

“Durkon, I demand you release me immediately!” the elf scoffed, trying to pull herself free.

“Only if ye promise ta shove yer stubborness inna dark corner somewhere an' listen ta me,” the dwarf huffed.

“Leave me be, Durkon,” she scoffed, trying to wriggle free. “I am a grown elf and I do not require-”

“Now look 'ere!” Grabbing the elf's shoulders, Durkon pulled her around to face him, glowering up at her pale face with a righteous anger of his own. “I've had jus' aboot enuff o' this. I dinnae care 'ow grown ye think ye are if ye're 'in gonna act like it and ye've been doin' everythin' but. I dinnae care aboot any o' tha trollcrap aboot 'ow ye high an' mighty elves dinnae ev'n need ta trance when I jus' need ta look at ye ta tell otherwise!” He pulled the elf down till their eyes were level. “Now this ain't right. I know ye haven't had a trance 'n months an' by the looks o' it,” he squeezed the glaring elf's bony shoulders for emphasis, “ye haven't been eatin' enuff, either. I know this ain't good fer ye and I cannae let this continue, do ye understand? I dinnae care if I haf ta tie ye up ta do it, but we'll be gettin' some food inta ye and ye'll be takin' a trance, too!”

“...Going to extremes, are you not?” Vaarsuvius said coldly, but there was resignation in his voice.

“Jus' what I haf ta. I owe it ta Roy ta take care o' 'is wizard and I owe it ta Haley ta na let 'er friend fall apart like a roach col'ny hit wit Smite Evil. Now sit and eat,” he said gruffly, pushing the elf down into a seat at the table.

“Very admirable,” Vaarsuvius muttered, frowning at the soup as she picked up a spoon and started idly stirring it with disinterest.

“Dinnae get me wrong, I owe it ta ye jus' as well,” Durkon said, sitting down on the bench beside the elf. “Eat,” he repeated forcefully.

“I appreciate your concern, Durkon, but I am not hungry,” the elf said quietly, her head low. The stupid pride had seeped out of her posture and been replaced by terse weariness, instead.

“Tha's 'cause ye've been eatin' so little tha yer body thinks thar's a food shortage an' it tries ta conserve energy by keepin' ye wit a low appetite.” At V's surprised look, Durkon scoffed. “I'm a cleric, ye know. Jus' eat already,” he placed a heavy hand on the elf's shoulder and shook it slightly.

Vaarsuvius shrugged and hesitantly tried the soup. It was probably luke-warm at best, but there was little Durkon could do about that. Vaarsuvius frowned, laid aside the spoon, sat a little straighter and took the bowl in her hands.

Durkon peered suspiciously at her. “What-”

“Burning Hands,” the elf muttered, startling the cleric as her bony fingers lit up with fire for a second, the flames carefully shaped to encircle the bowl and touch nothing else.

A moment later, Vaarsuvius carefully picked at the food again. It must have been much warmer, for she quietly nodded to herself, sighed and slowly began eating.

Durkon watched for a moment, then grunted, “Hmpf. Usin' spells ta warm up lefto'ers. Shoulda known. Maybe tha's tha problem. Ye go aroun' expectin' everythin' ta be tha easy.”

Staring down into his bowl, Vaarsuvius scowled, “Worry not, your continuous lecturing is doing a marvelous job at keeping me safe from assuming that magic is the solution to everything.”

“Nowhere near enuff,” he grunted.

She paused, then looked sideways at Durkon, pale pink eyes the colour of her magic narrowing at the dwarf. “Will you eat as well, or do you intend to maintain your vigil beside me to keep me from escaping?”

Durkon shook his head. “I had me fill at dinn'r,” he patted his belly. “Though I dinnae think thar's really any way I could stop ye from goin' if'n ye really put yer mind ta it,” he admitted. “Jus' hope tha ye'll haf tha sense ta na go tha far.”

“This coming from a dwarf who has physically hauled me here and threatened to tie me up and force-feed me should the necessity arise,” Vaarsuvius muttered.

“If'n ye could see yerself, ye'd haf dun tha same thin' 'n me place,” the dwarf shook his head, glowering disapprovingly at the elf's pasty grey skin and tangled purple hair, once so immaculately groomed. “I've seen zombies more healthy-lookin' than ye.”

The elf said nothing at that, eyebrows edging together slightly. Durkon then noticed the bowl was almost empty and the elf was now mostly stirring through the soup without actually eating it.

“Good enuff fer now,” Durkon grunted. He stood and took the bowl. “Ye'll haf ta trance now,” he said over his shoulder while giving the bowl a quick rinse and putting it away.

“No.”

“Wha?” Durkon frowned. His voice raised, he turned back to face Vaarsuvius, “Now wha'd I'd tell ye aboot-”

Vaarsuvius was on his feet, frowning at him with a somewhat distant look. “I will not trance,” he said, unwavering steel in his voice that was more than just mere stubborness. “It is a highly inefficient activity and a poor way to waste four hours of the time I may spend far more productively.”

“Vaarsuvius...” Durkon glowered.

“You cannot compell me to trance, Durkon, and I refuse to waste my time with such nonsense.” She raised her chin, every feature emanating cold formality. “I thank you for your company and I bid you a good night.”

“Na, wait!” Durkon said, grabbing the elf's arm again as she turned to leave. “Fine then, na trancin'. Whate'er ye say. I still think ye need a better break than jus' tha sip o' a soup ye took.” He pushed the elf into the seat again, provoking a frustrated sigh.

“I am truly not getting rid of you this easily, am I?” the elf winced, fingers rising to rub the bridge of her nose.

“Sure as Thor don't own shavin' cream,” the dwarf replied cheerfully, sitting down beside her. For all of the elf's irritation, she wasn't trying to blast him to pieces, which was thoroughly reassuring.

The elf sighed and leaned forward wearily, elbows on the table. “I find myself wondering why you believe idle conversation would be more beneficial for me than returning to an activity I am comfortable and familiar with.” She turned in her seat to look at Durkon, eyeing him with distrust and vague amusement. “Fine then. What shall the subject of today's lecture be, Master Thundershield? Or do you instead intend to discuss the current average incoming radiation and precipitation patterns?” she asked, her voice thick with bemused sarcasm.

Durkon snorted. “I s'ppose we could do tha, or I could let ye talk aboot sumthin' ye're actually int'rested 'n. How is yer research goin'?”

V's face clouded over. He looked away. “It is... not showing visible progress,” he admitted slowly, as if he was trying to swallow acid. “I... I have attempted a wide span of spells that were viable as a means to penetrate whatever effect is blocking my efforts – assuming Miss Starshine is not simply deceased” his face fell a little, his voice quiet, “No standard scrying or communication spells will work. I have researched several new variations that focussed specifically on overcoming interfering effects as well as those that attempted to exploit possible loopholes in the effect, but to no avail. I had the greatest hope for the Greater Animal Messenger spell, for few abjurations normally account for a creature being magically compelled to approach an affected object, but that spell has obviously proven ineffective, as well.”

Vaarsuvius sighed, eyebrows knitting together with worry and agitation and Durkon momentarily regretted having even brought it up. The elf could decide to jump up and bounce back to his research any moment. “I have also explored the possibility that the magical effect is affecting us rather than Miss Starshine and causing interference with any outgoing spells, but scrying on other areas and persons functions without error, therefore that cannot be the case, either...” the elf's voice took on a distressed note as he explained furiously, “The entire area of Azure City is impenetrable to divination. If Haley is still alive, then the spell failures must indicate that she is still there, but that... I-I do not wish to ponder...”

“V...” Durkon hesitantly placed a hand on the elf's shoulder. “Ye know ye dinnae hafta worry tha much aboot Haley. She's a high-level advent'rer jus' like ye an' me an' she's an expert wit cities. Ye hafta haf faith 'n her. She can take care o' 'erself.”

The elf's turned to stare at him. “In the same way the late Sir Greenhilt was a strong and intelligent fighter and could take care of himself, I suppose?” he shook his head, cutting Durkon off as the dwarf was about to reply. “I do not think she is dead, Durkon. I do worry that she may well be wishing she was.”

Durkon's jaw tightened. “I know wha ye mean,” he said, nodding. “But Haley is good at tha sneakin' business. She's na tryin' ta accomplish what Roy was tryin' ta do. Roy, well...” he sighed. “She's na tryin' ta tackle a lich aboot a dozen levels above 'er, not ta mention aboot a hundred feet 'n tha air, fer one thin'.”

The elf nodded fiercely, teeth clenching and hands curling into fists in frustration. “A hundred feet in the air are no obstacle to a Feather Fall, or Fly, or any number of other spells including but not limited to those that would not have required him to confront the lich in melee in the first place.” He shook Durkon's hand off his shoulder. “I could not have brought about his demise more surely if I were a traitor working against him.”

“Eh? Wha's this then?” Durkon peered at the elf in confusion. “Are ye implyin' tha' ye're sum'ow ta blame fer Roy's death?!” Thor's nostrils, the problem was a lot deeper than he'd expected.

The elf stared at him as if he had just proclaimed his intention to never drink another drop of ale in his life. After a moment, Vaarsuvius sputtered, “And are you implying that I am not? It was the lack of my presence that, as you told me, prompted him to attempt such a perilous assault in the first place!”

“O' course,” Durkon snorted at the elf's agitation, “But 'ow izzat any o' yer fault?”

“It was my own decision to leave and engage those three Titanium elementals on my own, despite Sir Greenhilt's orders to the contrary,” Vaarsuvius said, head hanging low. “It was due to that ridiculous venture that I became separated from the rest of the party when cooperation was most crucial! And afterwards, I-... I have spent decades studying magic and yet I could not even cast a Feather Fall – barely more than a cantrip! - when it mattered!

“Och, ye foolish elf,” Durkon sighed, running his fingers over his bald head. “'Ow can ye ev'n blame yerself fer tha? If'n ye hadn't been at tha breach, thar goblins would haf o'erwhelmed tha defenses right at tha start!”

“Perhaps so,” Vaarsuvius nodded coldly. “But then at least we would have stayed together. And, if Sir Greenhilt had not died, then Miss Starshine... Haley... would never have needed to leave to retrieve his corpse, and she would be right here with us! - as would Sir Greenhilt, and even the halfling – and we would likely be on our way to Girard's Gate even now! Making progress in our mission to stop plans that endanger the entire world! And now – because I acted out of turn, grasped at the chance to use my vaunted magical power – foolish – Sir Greenhilt is dead and his body is quite possibly destroyed beyond the possibility of being restored even with a Resurrection and Miss Starshine may be likewise dead or suffering in Xykon's clutches! And on top of it all, we have not budged from our position in many months, while that lich may be at that gate even now! All for want of a nail, as the saying is – or, to be more concrete, for want of my own adequate judgement! And you earnestly question my zeal in seeking to repair the damage I have wrought?!” The elf shook - shoulders hunched, teetch clenched and eyes burning furiously at the dwarf beneath the shadow of messy purple hair.

“Thor's almighty liver...” Durkon muttered. He was at loss for a moment, then fetched two cups, untied his flask of holy ale from his belt and poured it, then pushed one of the cups into V's hand. “Consid'r yerself lucky,” he grunted. “Authentic bless'd dwarven ale ain't sumthin' people get ta drink jus' like tha.”

Vaarsuvius looked bleakly at the liquid. “I think that poisoning my body with fermented organic toxins and earning myself a splitting headache is unlikely to aid us in our predicament nor improve my physical condition of which you disapprove so strongly.”

“An' I think ye need a drink.”

Vaarsuvius stared at the cup again, not replying as his fingers curled around the mug tentatively.

“Ye know, I thought ye were an intell'gent elf, Vaarsuvius,” he mused, retaking his seat and taking a good solid gulp from his own cup. “Ye cannae be serious aboot this.”

Vaarsuvius scoffed at him resentfully, then raised the cup and swallowed in a way that was unnervingly at odds with the composed, delicate way he usually sipped his wine. The gulp of dwarven ale sent him coughing and grimacing a moment later. Coughing once more, he took a careful sip. “This is much stronger than what I am accustomed to...” he muttered, wincing.

Durkon shook his head incredulously at the elf. “What aboot war? An' famine? An' death? Ye figure out a way ta blame yerself fer tha yet?”

“Rest assured that I am working on it,” the elf snapped angrily after another cough-inducing swig from his cup, a slightly unsteady sway to his hand already.

“No no no, ye cannae do this, V!” Durkon gestured exasperatedly. “Ye know what they say aboot hindsight! Jus' 'cause ye think things would haf gone diff'rently if'n ye'd dun sumthin' diff'rent dinnae mean they really would haf gone tha way!”

The elf set the cup down with a loud clank, turning to face him. “Are you of all people denying that disobeying the orders of our leader was a bad decision and a tactical mistake?”

“Did it seem like one at tha time?”

“I...” Vaarsuvius seemed taken aback. The fight drained out of him again and he ran a hand through shaggy hair. “How...How is that of any relevance?” he asked weakly, shaking his head.

“Hmpf. If'n ye knew tha what ye were doin' was wrong when ye did it, then ye'd be right ta regret it,” Durkon paused to take a long, hard drink from his own cup. He wiped his beard with the back of his hand, then said, “But if'n it seemed like tha right thing ta do, then where's tha sense 'n kickin' yerself o'er it? Jus' remember tha mistake fer tha future so's not ta make it agin. Try ta undo any damage ye think ye've caused, but dinnae lose yerself 'n it.”

Vaarsuvius stared bleakly into his own cup, then took a swig from it, saying nothing. Durkon gave him a hard look. “'n fact,” he said, “I'm surprised atchye, V. I al'ays thought ye ta be too pract'cal an' pragmatic to dwell on tha past like this. I'd haf expect'd ye ta shrug an' say tha nuthin' cannae be dun fer tha an'more. So why're ye so hun' up on this?”

The elf's look was distant. He rubbed a hand over his face. “I am too pragmatic to... dwell on this. I am merely eval... evaluating my performance and drawing the... appropriate conclusions...”

“Och, izzat so? An' what part o' those conclusions says ye hafta stay on yer feet without restin' till ye look like a bloody ghoul?” Durkon demanded.

The elf glared in return for a moment before his gaze wavered. “Trancing is not... mandatory for elves. My appearance is irrelevant.”

“Yer 'ppearance is rel'vant 'nsofar as it tells me tha tha lack o' trancin's havin' a bad effect on sumthin' which may na be jus' tha 'ppearance! Tha way ye've been actin' wit me an' Elan an' tha paladins, I def'nitely think it's na jus' tha 'ppearance!”

Vaarsuvius let out a frustrated sigh. Though annoyed, he seemed more tired than ever, his frame was swaying and he seemed to be having trouble keeping his eyes open. “I have... no more patience for this and... I do not see the point.” His hands planted on the table, he tried to stand, but his legs buckled under him and he collapsed onto wobbling arms again. It was just as well, for Durkon had once again reached out to grab him and prevent escape.

“Tha point,” the dwarf growled, “is tha I'm tryin' ta get ta tha bottom o' this, ye foolish elf. Whatev'r ye're sayin' aboot yer mistakes an' such... Ye've made mistakes before an' ye never went so guilt-ridd'n all o'er it, so tha cannae be all there is ta it. Ye're na actin' normal, an' I'm goin' ta try an' get ye back ta normal.”

“I... I will most assuredly be back to normal as soon as... as soon as Miss Starshine is found,” the elf said.

“Ye mean ta say if 'Miss Starshine' is found 'fore ye work yerself ta death lookin' fer 'er.”

“Whichever comes first,” V shrugged.

“O'er me dead body,” Durkon snorted. “Thor's nostrils! Why're ye so oppos'd ta trancin', anyway, if ye're na makin' any progress?”

“Lack of... lack of success is no justification to damage one's future chances of succeeding.”

“It's jus' four 'ours a day!”

“And thus one-sixth of the entire day span and... conclusively, the time until our eventual reunion with Miss Starshine.”

“So make it four 'ours ev'ry second or third day, it'd still be an improv'ment o'er na trancin' at all!”

“The effect on my efficiency and efficacy would still be tang... tangible.”

“What aboot tha 'ffect on yer 'fficacy 'cause yer too tired ta think straight, hmm?”

“Negligible, my mental faculties are functioning as well as ever.”

“Like hell they are, if'n ye cannae figure out what's wrong wit ye yerself!”

“Durkon!” the elf positively snarled as he tried to stand again, all unsteady limbs and sheer aggravation burning through the exhaustion. “I have quite simply had it with your ceaseless probing. This pointless exchange of barbs shows no sign of acquiring a purpose anytime... anytime soon, save to provide further proof that interro... interrogating me is a waste of your time. I will return to my research and h-hopefully hasten the resolution of this nonsense. Do not attempt to restrain me again.”

“It's fer yer own good, ye stuck-up pixie!” Durkon cried angrily, reaching a hand towards Vaarsuvius.

“Hold Pers-... ngh!” The elf jumped to her feet, hands gesturing a spell... or at least tried to, but with her coordination unsteady and haphazard, she stumbled over the bench or perhaps over her own legs and as her hands belatedly shot out to balance, the incantation was interrupupted and she crashed down onto him in a mass of unsteady limbs and voluminous robes.

Durkon caught her.

Very much belatedly, it occurred to him that he had just served a full cup of the finest and strongest dwarven beer to a wispy slip of a creature whose delicate drinking habits and tolerance of alcohol could almost be likened to those of a puny, undernourished monk.

In the moments that followed, Vaarsuvius tried to disentangle herself as best as she could with her ruined coordination and her baggy robes that made the task even more difficult, all while hissing angrily, “V-very... very cunning, Durkon. An un... unorthodox way of disabling a spellcas... spellcaster... but...”She tried to straighten up but slipped, nearly tumbling down again. “...quite effective... I ought to given... to have given you more credit.” As her voice came to sound flat, she was more and more like a limp ragdoll and the efforts to get the elf to sit separately on her own again became increasingly one-sided on Durkon's part.

“Dinnae be ridic'lous,” he grunted, “I dinnae plan fer tha. Twas Thor watchin' out fer me an' yer own foolishn'ss tryin' ta cast a spell.”

“Yes, a... a spell to escape the clutches of a bored dwarf trying to give me... therapy against my... my own will, of course... what was I thinking... not at all an appropr... 'propriate response to....”

Vaarsuvius fell silent.

Sometime between one moment and the next, Durkon found himself with an armful of completely limp elf, very much like a messy bundle of red laundry with a few gangly limbs sticking out here and there. And a head, the purple hair tickling his nose.

The cup was empty. Or near enough that it didn't count.

Durkon carefully tried to lift the elf off of him, but Vaarsuvius tensed and shifted slightly, muttering something too softly for him to hear. Durkon halted, staring down at the purple in front of his face with a puzzled frown. Rather than flat passed out, Vaarsuvius seemed somewhere between drowsy and merely drifted off, as if he could bolt wide awake any moment.

He'd finally gotten the elf to trance. For today, at least. As always, Thor's holy beer was proving the ultimate solution in a way the elf's magic could only hope to rival.

With no way to remove the elf without risking jostling him awake, Durkon shifted to sit a bit more comfortably.

It was going to be a long night.

[Saeyan]

Wow. I disappear for a couple of days and now I have so much stuff to wade through.

Made this yesterday. I'm not that great with Illustrator so I hope it turned out all right...

http://i33.tinypic.com/2coso77.png

I think I'll be taking a short break from the internet (oh, who am I kidding?) to study for final exams. Be back in about a month. Though it's just as likely that I'll be back here tomorrow...or this afternoon.

Edit: And I guess if anyone wants to add the banner text, they can...

Edit 2: Also, that was insanely cute, Kaytara. Actually, I would prefer if it stayed as a friendship fic instead of becoming a romance...that just seems wrong. :smallfrown:

[Lycan 01]

Eek. I take a day off, and 3 pages pop up. :smalleek:

@ Discord: Hm... Chaotic Good, you say? Oh well... Never said he was being honest. :smalltongue:


@ Esmerelder: First story - Wow! Thats pretty good... :smallbiggrin: And no, I don't get the LotR reference...

Second story - Another example of excellent writing! :smallcool:


@ Batrobin: VxTherkla - So. Many. Plotholes! :smalleek:


@ Cheesemuncher: Amazing drawings! :smallbiggrin:


@ Zanaril: VxSnarl - Well, that was unexpected...


@ Belkster11: Drawing - Why don't I get this? :smallconfused:


@ Dra-Goon: RoyBoneGolumxRoy'sSword - WHAT THE CRAP!? HAH HAH HAH!! :smallbiggrin:



I know there are about 4-5 stories I haven't gotten around to yet... I can't handle too much at once, you know! :smalleek:

[Dra-Goon]

Wow. I disappear for a couple of days and now I have so much stuff to wade through.

Made this yesterday. I'm not that great with Illustrator so I hope it turned out all right...

http://i33.tinypic.com/2coso77.png



V and A look a bit sad.

I wonder if a V/A/I love triangle would work? AxV, IxA, and VxI...

[Zanaril]

V and A look a bit sad.

I wonder if a V/A/I love triangle would work? AxV, IxA, and VxI...

Threesome!


Vaarsuvius stared in horror. "But you... him...I..."

Aarindarius blushed, moving away from the elf he had until a moment ago been passionately locking lips with. Inkyrius just scowled, glaring at the ex-mate that had just burst into the wizard's tower babbling apologies.

"You're surprised?" Inkyrius said incredulously, as Aarindarius pulled his robe back on.

"How could you?" V said, too distressed to think of anything else to say.

"You're no longer my mate, you agreed to that. You expected me never to find love again?"

"But... with Aarindarius?!"

"We've always been close. And Inkyrius does have a point; you no longer have any say in these matters." The other wizard said with a shrug.

"But..." Vaarsuvius said, turning back to Inkyrius. "I still love you." The elf whispered.

"I'm sorry, but I'm in love with Aarindarius now. Unless..." Inkyrius turned to look at the older wizard, raising an eyebrow. Aarindarius considered for a second, then nodded, smiling.

"What-" Vaarsuvius started, then was silenced by Inkyrius' lips. The wizard hesitated, then uncertainly hugged the baker. And then jumped as someone else began stroking her hair; Aarindarius had stood up and walked over to them. Inkyrius broke away from the kiss.

"Lets go to my bedroom" The older wizard suggested, starting towards the stairs. Inkyrius followed, smiling and leading a confused Vaarsuvius by the hand.

[Dark Faun]

Threesome!
Which reminds me I always expected your VxZ & IxA story to end up in a foursome.

[Zanaril]

Which reminds me I always expected your VxZ & IxA story to end up in a foursome.

I'll write that as an alternative ending.

I'm actually having trouble deciding what should happen at the end. After #679 I have the urge to give V a happy ending. :smallannoyed:

[Ghostwheel]

I have not read this entire thread because I want to keep my sanity intact.

But I can so totally see Haley dominating and then castrating Redcloak.

My sanity is a hit and miss thing.

[Zanaril]

I have not read this entire thread because I want to keep my sanity intact.

Don't worry about your sanity; most of these stories end up being cute rather than disturbing.

[Ghostwheel]

Don't worry about your sanity; most of these stories thread end up being cute rather than disturbing.

I know. Thanks for the interest.

[Funky Goose]

Edit: And I guess if anyone wants to add the banner text, they can...

Hera you go

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/image2856.png

EDIT : Alternate ending... type thing

http://i840.photobucket.com/albums/zz327/funkygoose/path2862.png

[Thor Person Guy]

My dice have given to me the most diabolical pairing in this entire thread, which for sanity reasons will be within this spoiler.

The Really Dangerous Trap(x3)xAll the Demon Roaches at Once(x2)xRoy's ArchonxCeliaxHinjoxKazumi

If you were foolish enough to open the spoiler, then congratulations! You will never be able to unread that! Aren't you lucky? :smallbiggrin:

[Kaytara]

Thor Person Guy: I DARE you to actually write that. :smallamused:


Edit 2: Also, that was insanely cute, Kaytara. Actually, I would prefer if it stayed as a friendship fic instead of becoming a romance...that just seems wrong. :smallfrown:

Thanks. :)

Yeah, it doesn't seem right to me, either. It's also pretty much impossible to manage while keeping them in-character, too, what with Durkon being so Lawful and V being married and Durkon knowing about V being married and V not being exactly at the height of his elven attractiveness what with the trance deprivation and everything...

I mean, I could do something cheesy like having them accidentally slip and end up kissing each other, but that's really a bit too juvenile and shallow for the complicated psychological build-up I've tried to establish here.

Ah well, nobody says a pairing has to be romantic, anyway. :smallamused:

[Zanaril]

Ah well, nobody says a pairing has to be romantic, anyway. :smallamused:

It would still be cute to have V snuggling up to Durkon while trancing, and Durkon getting embarassed. :smalltongue:

[Thor Person Guy]

Thor Person Guy: I DARE you to actually write that. :smallamused:


No. Way. I am nowhere near skilled/demented enough to try that. I will, however, offer you my attempt at one of the things I rolled up a while ago:

Kazumi felt like such a fool. Everyone knows you shouldn’t accept belts from shady vendors. Now he was going to have to use his vacation and sick days to figure a way out of this mess. Perhaps Lord Shojo would know what to do…



As he approached the throne room, Kazumi could swear he heard the sound of someone yelling, followed by the dismissal of a brown-skinned warrior and an apparently mute red-head. As he opened the door, Kazumi called, “Lord Shojo, is everything alright?”

Shojo looked up to find the source of this new voice, and found that he suddenly could not breathe. For no matter how hard he tried, he found that he could not look away from the handsome young man before him. “Er, yes,” he said, “Everything is just fine.” The young man then began to speak, but whatever he said was lost on Shojo, for he could not stop focusing on his handsome face, his large muscles, and his broad shoulders.

“Lord Shojo? Did you hear me?” Shojo suddenly looked as though he had come out of a daze. “Um, yes. I shall have to consult Mr. Scruffy. Come to my bedchamber later, and I will see if I can make your worries go away.” Kazumi shrugged and walked away.



Later that evening, Kazumi did as he was instructed and found his way to Lord Shojo’s bedchamber. When he opened the door, he froze. There were scented candles everywhere. He picked one up and it said “Passion”. There was a trail of rose petals leading to the bed, where Shojo seemed to waiting for him…

:smalleek: O-kaaaay, I have officially freaked myself out.

Erm, comments?

Edit: Corrected gender-related pronoun errors

[Dra-Goon]

Erm, comments?

Kazumi's gender keeps osciallating between female and male :smalleek:

That aside, less disturbing than I had expected.

[Zanaril]

Kazumi's gender keeps osciallating between female and male :smalleek:

Kazumi is Vaarsuvius! :smalleek:

[Malkar Grumbo]

Kazumi is Vaarsuvius! :smalleek:

NOOOOOOO! V's androgynous-ness is contagious! Everyone run for your lives! :smalleek:

Also Thor Person Guy, good work, loved reading it. You too Zanaril, loved the way it went from awkward to threesome at the drop of a hat. Also, nice banner Funky Ghoose, you continue to impress.

NOW RUN! THE VAARSUVIUS SYNDROME IS SPREADING!

[esmerelder]

NOOOOOOO! V's androgynous-ness is contagious! Everyone run for your lives! :smalleek:
!

*sticks around to catch some* Hey, I wouldn't say no to being a handsome/gorgeous androgynous elf who's as romantically successful as fanon!V seems to be! (Canon!V's romantic life is another proposition entirely, though...)

@ Kaytara - Your last update was awesome! Somehow the image of Durkon bossily sitting V down and feeding hir soup makes me extremely happy. And the image of him stuck with an armful of sleepy drunk elf is just overwhelmingly cute.

@ Zanaril - It's not just a threesome, it's a Vsome! So cute, love it!

@ Saeyan - love the banner as well!

@ Ghostwheel - Sanity is *massively* overrated, trust us!

@ Malkar Grumbo, Kaytara and Carnivorous M - thank you! But the question is, can I aspire to be a *sexy shoeless* god of fic? :smallwink:

[Closak]

Ah well, i figured i might as well take a crack at that pairing i got.

Closak and his minion Tim were standing in the hall of Crack Pairings.

"Sir, do you really think this is such a good idea?" Tim asked.

"Just shut up and do what you are supposed too would you?" Closak answered.

"Very well, but i don't have to like it"

With that Closak cast "SUMMON CRACK PAIRING!"

In a flash of light an Ancient Black Dragon, Belkar and Roy appeared in the room.

Closak proceeded to explain the situation. Neither Belkar or the dragon appeared to have a problem with it, though Roy looked like he wanted to get the hell out of there.

While Belkar and dragon "Got on with it" Closak was trying to convince Roy to join in.

"Look, i know you don't like this but you don't exactly have a choice in the matter" Closak told Roy.

"Feeling horny baby?" Belkars voice could be heard from some distance away.

Tim was currently hiding in a corner.

"I'm not doing it!" Roy said.

"Too bad, because as i said you do not have a choice...'EPIC DOMINATE PERSON!'"

Roy failed his save by a mile.

"Now go and hump the brains out of that dragon" Closak told him.

Roy walked over and joined in.

Meanwhile Closak went over to Tim in the corner "Get up and go fetch the video camera, i have a client in the lower planes who will pay a lot for this video!"

"With all due respect sir...I AM NOT WATCHING THAT!"

"Do i have to do everything myself?" Closak muttered as he went to get the camera himself.



Several years later there were reports of psychotic half-dragon halflings going on a killing spree in the town of Cliffport.

Closak was sitting in a couch and grinning "All is as i have foreseen!"

Tim perked up from the other side of the room "Umm sir...You are channeling Palpatine again"

"I know"


Please do take note that this is my first time ever writing a story so it shouldn't be a surprise if it sucks.


Also some notes.

1: Closak is a character i made up a few months back. Suffice to say he's a bit of a jerk.

2: Tim is an author avatar, AKA self-insert type of character.

[Zanaril]

*sticks around to catch some* Hey, I wouldn't say no to being a handsome/gorgeous androgynous elf who's as romantically successful as fanon!V seems to be! (Canon!V's romantic life is another proposition entirely, though...)

V's canonical lack of lovin' is probably why we feel the need to ship her so much.

[Kaytara]

Thanks, Esmerelder. :) I was worried that it was too long, but apparently that's not a bad thing here...


@ Malkar Grumbo, Kaytara and Carnivorous M - thank you! But the question is, can I aspire to be a *sexy shoeless* god of fic? :smallwink:

There's only one way to find out. For a serious title like that, we'll need a few more examples to judge by... Like, a hundred or so. Get writing. :)


NOOOOOOO! V's androgynous-ness is contagious! Everyone run for your lives! :smalleek:

Also Thor Person Guy, good work, loved reading it. You too Zanaril, loved the way it went from awkward to threesome at the drop of a hat. Also, nice banner Funky Ghoose, you continue to impress.

NOW RUN! THE VAARSUVIUS SYNDROME IS SPREADING!

You do realise that this isn't actually a joke, do you? :D

I mean, remember Haley's comment abot being mistaken for a man...

[Closak]

Aww, no love for the noob.


...You have got to be kidding me *Steals all the remaning brain bleach and uses it all up on myself*

[Zanaril]

You do realise that this isn't actually a joke, do you? :D

I mean, remember Haley's comment abot being mistaken for a man...

We don't have to worry until someone thinks Belkar is female. We'll know about it because we'll find her daggers stuck in the person responsable.

[Ookami50]

I Rolled Ancient black dragon x Xykon's undead dragon. That could be interesting.

[Meg]

AUGH! Goshdarn you all. I should be working on my taera de la clase de espanol. Can someone yell at me to stop goofing around, and get something done?

[Closak]

The entire Hobgoblin army x The really dangerous trap.


...Anyone wanna try this?


Also, no comments for my pitiful attemp at writing that ABD x Belkar x Roy i got yesterday?




Cheesemuncher: STOP GOOFING AROUND AND GET SOMETHING DONE!

[Malkar Grumbo]

You do realise that this isn't actually a joke, do you? :D

I mean, remember Haley's comment abot being mistaken for a man...

Oh for the love of crack fic, it's the swine flu of OoTS world, before you know it it's everywhere.

[esmerelder]

We don't have to worry until someone thinks Belkar is female. We'll know about it because we'll find her daggers stuck in the person responsable.

Damn and double damn it. Now all I want is to write a story about Bella Bitterleaf going on a vicious and bloody rampage across the countryside. And what she and her daggers would do to the first smarty-pants male who made any reference to PMT.

@ Kaytara - I will, as fast as work and my extremely in-need-of-tidying kitchen will let me! :D