Please critique this Personal Statement

[GoC]

This is a draft of my sisters personal statement for UCAS (university admission). The main problem is it's 1600 chars too long. Any ideas?
Pleeeaaase?:smallfrown:

I find political history fascinating, especially when understanding how different cultures form distinct governments; how they come into power and stay in power; to what extent they have an influence on people's lives and why they have that degree of influence. this shifts the way you see the impact of national politics and ideologies over peoples lives and ambitions. The reality of politics and how it influences society is far more intricate then I imagined and lead me to explore this aspect of history with tremendous curiosity.


When studying revolutions in Russia in the early 20th century and South American independence I realized how politics, philosophy and economics were so entwined, so I feel that in order to understand current changes in government and changes throughout history I need to understand the relationship between the three. When reading “Simon Bolivar A Life” by John Lynch, I was surprised to find that the revolution in South America was sparked by American interests, justified with philosophy and than, developed into a new form of government. (I had always thought philosophy came first)As revolutions unfold they became a battle of avarice vs. ideology. Ideology comes later to test, explain, legitimise and clarify the revolution. I found that weight of habit can induce obedience to established powers and it's usually only when comfort is disturbed or our habits no longer benefit us economically, that we choose to change. There is some sort of security in being ignorant of the happenings of the world around us its easier to be a slave to ignorance than to face difficult decisions that political freedom requires. Even when change does come about the governments that succeed aren't those that adopt the “best” system by ideological standards, but the one that's most suited to the nature of the nation for which it was set in place and that appeals more importantly than to people's beliefs, to their interests.


Having been self-taught most of my life has encouraged my curiosity as it was unhindered by any syllabuses. I have had the privilege of pursuing my personal interests to a greater depth than most of my peers. Additionally, the need to take responsibility for my own learning has helped me to develop strategies to learn effectively, to plan and evaluate my progress and to reflect on how to improve. I began my A level studies having newly arrived in the UK after living with my missionary parents in South America. Not only did I have to manage a new culture but also a new school system, a new family and find myself a job to meet my personal expenses. These dramatic changes, especially being away from the security of my family, have been really challenging but I consider that I have grown from the experience. At college I'm part of the debating team that came to the finals in both the Cambridge, Oxford and Debating Matters competitions. I enjoy the preparation that takes place before the debate, the thought process and watching my argument being challenged and moulded as the debate unfolds. It's often interesting to see how different my opinion can be in light of new facts and how our bias can be exposed. This concept of “natural bias” interested me, and I went on to read Eliezer Yudkowsky's articles on “Less Wrong” and am currently reading “What is History Now?”. To understand that we all are bias, that it shades our perception of reality, was something new to me as I had always believed in an ultimate, almost empirical answer that just had to be found. It was frustrating to realize that I only saw the world from certain angles and my aim is to get a more complete view, to be challenged and pushed out of my comfort zone.


I also find it interesting how the Church controlled politics. I ask myself why this is, how it came to be the case and how was it legitimised. This lead me to read into the ideal of liberty in Quentin Skinner's “Foundations of Modern Political Thought”.


I've gained analytical skills thanks to my science based subjects yet can still pull together essays with great enjoyment thanks to History. The analytical skills that I have developed through studying science I've found to be equally useful when researching different resources either for history or debating . Discussing ethical issues behind scientific discoveries really interests me. One of the reasons I study physics is because I like the way abstract theories develop to become accepted facts.


Over the past year I've been promoting a charity called Mary's Meals which aims to give each child in undeveloped countries one meal a day at their schools, so that hunger will no longer prevent children receiving an education. I planned and presented talks which I gave throughout the school and really enjoyed seeing the response of other children keen to help. I plan to take a gap year and travel, hopefully to Malawi in order to experience the charity's success first-hand, but also to Bolivia to work with a program called groups of hope and to Russia to get a feel for one the most intriguing cultures I've ever come across. I enjoy many extra-curricular activities. I played basketball at a national level in Colombia and I've helped coach the lower years, something I greatly enjoyed. I like playing the bass and the piano and love extreme sports like BMX and speed skating.

I'm quite proud of her.:smallsmile:

[Endalia]

May I be so bold as to ask what university she is applying for? And I assume she's applying for Sociology, Politics or something close to it. Am I completely wrong?

[Arokh]

Well, first of: That is pretty impressive.

As to its length: I took the liberty of shortening it as I saw appropriate.


I find political history fascinating, especially when understanding how different cultures form distinct governments; how they come into power and stay in power; to what extent they have an influence on people's lives and why they have that degree of influence. this shifts the way you see the impact of national politics and ideologies over peoples lives and ambitions. The reality of politics and how it influences society is far more intricate then I imagined and lead me to explore this aspect of history with tremendous curiosity.


When studying revolutions in Russia in the early 20th century and South American independence I realized how politics, philosophy and economics were so entwined, so I feel that in order to understand current changes in government and changes throughout history I need to understand the relationship between the three. When reading “Simon Bolivar A Life” by John Lynch, I was surprised to find that the revolution in South America was sparked by American interests, justified with philosophy and than, developed into a new form of government. (I had always thought philosophy came first)As revolutions unfold they became a battle of avarice vs. ideology. Ideology comes later to test, explain, legitimise and clarify the revolution. Once change of established systems does come about the governments that succeed aren't those that adopt the “best” system by ideological standards, but the one that's most suited to the nature of the nation for which it was set in place and that appeals more importantly than to people's beliefs, to their interests.


Having been self-taught most of my life has encouraged my curiosity as it was unhindered by any syllabuses. I have had the privilege of pursuing my personal interests to a greater depth than most of my peers. Additionally, the need to take responsibility for my own learning has helped me to develop strategies to learn effectively, to plan and evaluate my progress and to reflect on how to improve. I began my A level studies having newly arrived in the UK after living with my missionary parents in South America. Not only did I have to manage a new culture but also a new school system, a new family and find myself a job to meet my personal expenses. These dramatic changes, especially being away from the security of my family, have been really challenging but I consider that I have grown from the experience. At college I'm part of the debating team that came to the finals in both the Cambridge, Oxford and Debating Matters competitions. I enjoy the preparation that takes place before the debate, the thought process and watching my argument being challenged and moulded as the debate unfolds. It's often interesting to see how different my opinion can be in light of new facts and how our bias can be exposed. This concept of “natural bias” interested me, and the realisation that it shades our perception of reality, was frustrating. To realize that I only saw the world from certain angles lead to my aim being to get a more complete view, to be challenged and pushed out of my comfort zone.


I also find it interesting how the Church controlled politics. I ask myself why this is, how it came to be the case and how was it legitimised. This lead me to read into the ideal of liberty in Quentin Skinner's “Foundations of Modern Political Thought”.


I've gained analytical skills thanks to my science based subjects yet can still pull together essays with great enjoyment thanks to History. The analytical skills that I have developed through studying science I've found to be equally useful when researching different resources either for history or debating . Discussing ethical issues behind scientific discoveries really interests me. One of the reasons I study physics is because I like the way abstract theories develop to become accepted facts.


Over the past year I've been promoting a charity called Mary's Meals which aims to give each child in undeveloped countries one meal a day at their schools, so that hunger will no longer prevent children receiving an education. I planned and presented talks which I gave throughout the school and really enjoyed seeing the response of other children keen to help. I enjoy many extra-curricular activities. I played basketball at a national level in Colombia and I've helped coach the lower years, something I greatly enjoyed. I like playing the bass and the piano and love extreme sports like BMX and speed skating.


Would net her about 900 chars, 700 to go....:smallannoyed:
Of course, this is by no means a perfect solution, but simple my opinion on how it might sound close enough to the original, without some of the 'less important' expositions.

I hope I could be of assistance.

So long, Arokh.

P.S.: Yes, definitely sounds like someone to be proud of.

[daggaz]

Not the answer you want, but if the university requires anything other than academic credentials, she should be looking for a different university. Their entire purpose is to further her education, not to act the part of some kind of taste judge over her personal life and pursuits.

To that end, I would only include items that show initiative, intuition, and the ability to apply skill sets to different situations, with only the bare minimum to show that I am not a boring robot of a soulless human being. The same that you would put on a job CV. 1600 words too long? She should be able to pull this off in less than 400.

[Endalia]

Not the answer you want, but if the university requires anything other than academic credentials, she should be looking for a different university. Their entire purpose is to further her education, not to act the part of some kind of taste judge over her personal life and pursuits.

To that end, I would only include items that show initiative, intuition, and the ability to apply skill sets to different situations, with only the bare minimum to show that I am not a boring robot of a soulless human being. The same that you would put on a job CV. 1600 words too long? She should be able to pull this off in less than 400.

Actually, in the UK you need a personal statement, which in most cases will be all the admissions tutor will ever read that's written by the person in question. So the personal statement might be all the admissions tutor has to go on when s/he's making the decision whether the person in question gets in or not.

And not to be picky, but it was 1600 characters, not words, too long. Which is about 600-700 words.

[Jack Squat]

Not the answer you want, but if the university requires anything other than academic credentials, she should be looking for a different university. Their entire purpose is to further her education, not to act the part of some kind of taste judge over her personal life and pursuits.

To that end, I would only include items that show initiative, intuition, and the ability to apply skill sets to different situations, with only the bare minimum to show that I am not a boring robot of a soulless human being. The same that you would put on a job CV. 1600 words too long? She should be able to pull this off in less than 400.

Many universities require or suggest a personal statement. It's 905 words, which is 1600 characters too long. Reading comprehension goes a long way :smallwink:

What I really want to know is what kind of place still uses character limits? And do spaces count or not? IMO, if a place uses limits, it should be preferably page (in this case ~page and a half), or at worst word (again, in this case ~700).

I don't have anything specific that I suggest taking out, but this reads to me as a paper with the topic "How politics interested me" and then the last two paragraphs branches off to "oh, and I do this stuff too"

Unless a personal statement has a specific topic (I think our optional one was "How education has positively impacted my life"), it's really an attempt to sell yourself to the university and tell them why you should be there. Don't say what you've learned, say what you will learn. Say why you're a better applicant than everyone else. Make them know that your future will prove the success of the university, and it's a loss they will burden themselves with until the end of time if they reject you and you get accepted elsewhere.

Taken from Purdue's site (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/642/01/)


Questions to ask yourself before you write:


What's special, unique, distinctive, and/or impressive about you or your life story?
What details of your life (personal or family problems, history, people or events that have shaped you or influenced your goals) might help the committee better understand you or help set you apart from other applicants?
When did you become interested in this field and what have you learned about it (and about yourself) that has further stimulated your interest and reinforced your conviction that you are well suited to this field? What insights have you gained?
How have you learned about this field—through classes, readings, seminars, work or other experiences, or conversations with people already in the field?
If you have worked a lot during your college years, what have you learned (leadership or managerial skills, for example), and how has that work contributed to your growth?
What are your career goals?
Are there any gaps or discrepancies in your academic record that you should explain (great grades but mediocre LSAT or GRE scores, for example, or a distinct upward pattern to your GPA if it was only average in the beginning)?
Have you had to overcome any unusual obstacles or hardships (for example, economic, familial, or physical) in your life?
What personal characteristics (for example. integrity. compassion. persistence) do you possess that would improve your prospects for success in the field or profession? Is there a way to demonstrate or document that you have these characteristics?
What skills (for example, leadership, communicative, analytical) do you possess?
Why might you be a stronger candidate for graduate school—and more successful and effective in the profession or field than other applicants?
What are the most compelling reasons you can give for the admissions committee to be interested in you?

[Endalia]

What kind of place still uses character limits you say? Easy. England :smalltongue:

And it gets worse. They have line limits as well. The limits placed on the personal statement (which are placed by UCAS, not the universities) are 4000 characters or 47 lines. What kind of limit is 47 bloody lines?! :smallsigh:

[Rutskarn]

Keep in mind that the emphasis shouldn't be on what you've done (you being your sister). Most teachers told me that universities don't give half a hump how you did in mock trial, or what countries you visited. They want to know who you are.

[Myshlaevsky]

What kind of place still uses character limits you say? Easy. England :smalltongue:

And it gets worse. They have line limits as well. The limits placed on the personal statement (which are placed by UCAS, not the universities) are 4000 characters or 47 lines. What kind of limit is 47 bloody lines?! :smallsigh:

Don't sweat it too much. If I remember correctly, I wrote 43 lines for the first time I used UCAS and 40 for the second. Both times I received full Unconditional Offers from all my choices.

I broke my personal statement down into:

Paragraph 1: Why I want to study [subject] (and why I want to study it here, maybe).

Paragraph 2: Things I have done that have direct relevance to [subject].

Paragraph 3: Things I have done at school.

Paragraph 4: Things I have done at work & in the community.

Paragraph 5: Future hopes, hobbies and international & national accomplishments.

I don't have the time to go through your sister's essay piece-by-piece right now, and I'm not sure she would want my advice anyway. At a glance, though, the paragraph:


I also find it interesting how the Church controlled politics. I ask myself why this is, how it came to be the case and how was it legitimised. This lead me to read into the ideal of liberty in Quentin Skinner's “Foundations of Modern Political Thought”.

Should be integrated or dropped entirely. There are a lot of academic references there - I think they take up too much space.

Your sister has an impressive list of experiences. There should be nothing to stop her getting a university place if she meets all other requirements. What universities is she applying to?

[snoopy13a]

Not the answer you want, but if the university requires anything other than academic credentials, she should be looking for a different university. Their entire purpose is to further her education, not to act the part of some kind of taste judge over her personal life and pursuits.



Almost every top university in the United States requires a personal statement for both undergraduate and graduate studies. The reason is that they want something else to distinguish people from their test scores, grades, and activities. Not only does the personal statement give some insight to the writer as a person but it also demostrates one's writing skills.

In general, I think the personal statement usually doesn't make much of a difference unless it stands out, for better or for worse. Although, I suppose it could be used as a tiebreaker where other criteria are essentially the same.

I agree that the statement should not be a recititation of one's academic achievements. Those will be evaluted as other points in the application. Instead, the writer should focus on something personal such as:

1) What inspired them to pursue this educational goal? Was it a particular class or teacher?
2) Was there a difficult decision they had to make that shapes them as a person?
3) What accomplishment are they most proud of? Why?
4) Did they have to overcome some sort of adversity to get where they are right now?

[Kcalehc]

The personal statement is essentially used as a tie-breaker. When looking at the academic credentials alone, theres only so many combinations. Once you skimmed of the cream, many of what remains will have the same or similar score to each other; the personal statement then allows some judgement on who appears to be better equipped to become a student at the university. Interviews work well too, as it's a little harder to cheat or get help during one, but then some people's nerves can get in the way of them there.

It's an extra way to help the decision making, while it's certainly not a perfect method, it's probably better than tossing a coin for placement... :smallwink:

[GoC]

She's applying for politics and philosophy.


What universities is she applying to?
Oxford et al.

She's predicted straight A's in all five A levels so that should be alright.

[Myshlaevsky]

She's applying for politics and philosophy.


Oxford et al.

She's predicted straight A's in all five A levels so that should be alright.

I expected as such, but that does change things a little bit. Is there an exam or interview process as part of the application to her course?

I've found that universities in general are hesitant to grant automatic admission on predictions alone. Having the grades already is ideal but obviously not possible in the English system.

I don't really feel qualified to edit or voice any more suggestions regarding your sister's work. The highest 'ranked' university I've applied for is St. Andrew's, and while that averages 4th or 5th in Britain it's a mile behind Oxford as far as application processes and standards go.

I am certain, however, that more expert advice is available on this specific subject.