PDA

View Full Version : Favorite One-Liners



ondonaflash
2009-10-16, 04:29 PM
Kind of a spawn-off thread of the Intimidating Quotes thread, I was just wondering what some of your best one-liners were in a campaign. Remember, if you have to deliver a speech to set it up, its not a one-liner (Describing the actions leading up to it are of course necessary).

I don't have any good examples I'm afraid. The best I have is the time our party ranger got a massive damage kill on a necromancer, and cleaves him in two, right down the middle, and spraying blood everywhere (especially on the Catfolk druid, for whom it became a running gag)

Tiefling Rogue: "Dude... what. the. hell."

arguskos
2009-10-16, 04:34 PM
My current players have a set of rules. The first one?

Rule 0: DO NOT LIGHT ANYTHING ON FIRE GOD DAMMIT. (verbatim from our rule sheet)

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-10-16, 05:14 PM
In the last campaign (many of my players' first), I did a lot with Delay Spell, the channeled X line of spells, and other ways to make spells more powerful the longer you cast them. Any time a caster used one of these tricks, telegraphed by the caster chanting and waving without anything obvious happening, the party never managed to kill them before they got it off. So now, whenever I say:

"And for [the caster]'s turn, he...starts chanting. Next?"

the entire party flips out worse than if I'd thrown a tarrasque at them. :smallbiggrin:

Sir Homeslice
2009-10-16, 05:19 PM
"Spin the vermins, reverse the guilt, reverse the birth, reverse the world, spin spin spin spin SPIN!" (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ptitleguyrf8v8yb34?from=Main.EverythingsBetterWith Spinning)
-A particularily loopy Vampire.

Thrice Dead Cat
2009-10-16, 06:34 PM
We had quite a few of them in a Star Wars Saga KotOR era game that has been put on hiatus for Deadlands, at the moment, but the one that sticks out most for me is the below:

We had just infiltrated a Sith base, having gotten past a few of the mooks when we ran into the Sith apprentice and his battledroid. I'm playing a scoundrel type.

Marr, Sith Apprentice - “I hope to supply some sport before you face my master.”
Me - "So you expect to die?"

The poor schmuck didn't even get to act, neither did half of our party. The round literary went with me knocking him down the condition track with a quick blast, followed by our HK unit doing the same, then our Jedi picking up his battledroid and shoving them both into a wall. Since then, the GM never used the sample NPCs in the books.

Rhiannon87
2009-10-16, 07:44 PM
Oh, man. So many. I'll pull a few highlights...

"I will drink from his skull!" - Hvall, on Marco Volo (this was in the first session of the campaign and we already hated that damn bard)

"It is in your best interest to move out of the way of the minotaur." - Carawyn (a gnome druid/MMF who had just turned into the minotaur and was instructing her party members to move so she could chaaaarge)

“Sembia's a f***ing country, you waste of space!!!” - Carawyn (after Volo staged his death and left an obviously encrypted note on the corpse; the note said "Meet me in Sembia", which is a not small country)

"From now on, you're to stay forty feet away from me at all times." - Lumieras to Foster (they're both rogues, and Foster had just set off a trap of some kind that did damage to both Lumieras and Foster... Lumieras was Not Amused.)

"A great dagger is called a sword." - Runge (Dwarven fighter's response to another character telling him that the weapon he carried was 'a great dagger'.)

"I will wear your soul as a hat!" - Bobby the Devil (He wanted to kill Foster because Foster sold him a soul that didn't exist. He had so many good lines in that fight...)

"I am the meat fairy." - Roscoe (Roscoe is a feral halfling psychic warrior who frequently collects meat off fallen enemies and makes them into stew for the party. Another party member claimed that the meat fairy had visited and left Roscoe a present-- aka a copper piece-- in the meat.)

"You don't get to tap that!" - Spartina, to Foster after he critical fumbled and shot her in the a**, dealing all of 2 points of damage to the level 12 fighter

...That ended up being more than a few. :smalltongue:

Another_Poet
2009-10-16, 09:57 PM
"Do you know how hard it is to stab someone with a wrench? Felt easy."
-Schnelling, arcane mechanik

Not from D&D but:
"Don't blame me, blame yourself or God."
-Final Fantasy Tactics

"If they won't let me into Heaven, I'm going to say you forced me."
-the late Anna Ilona Bela, on giving up her virginity to her dead boyfriend shortly after her own death.

"Look, I don't like hurting people. But I'll do it for almost any reason."
-Eoin Ruadh, shadowrunner & elven porn star

CrazedBanana
2009-10-16, 11:19 PM
"And now for a very BOLD move!" Harold Barnsworthy, Kobold duke, as he swings from a chandelier.

Dienekes
2009-10-16, 11:31 PM
Then, following the one I said earlier in the thread where the players were about to face Asmodeus.

Me, rping Asmodeus: Hello. I am a man of wealth and taste.

Wizard: Me too. Intensified Time stop.

Me: Eh crap.

I'm totally stealing Shadowbane's thunder, but this needed to be posted.

Zephyros
2009-10-16, 11:42 PM
"Unclean human scum... Pitiful Wretches..." Deledhel, Fey'ri Swordsage to clerics of Pelor squad who then proceed to kick his a$$ and then some.

Deledhel dons hastily his armor as battle menaces in the next room. Elanor-human sorceress-and Deledhel's room mate:
'quick-kiss' "Better come fast honey-bunny" and runs off to combat...

"I.DON'T.LIKE.YOU." Agothar human barbarian to a Succubus that failed 4 consecutive charms and a dominate on him while he was drinking his fill at "Green Parrot " tavern.
"Do you like boys??? I can do boys too if-" Said succubus shapechanging into a boy and subsequently one-shoted by Agothar

"They seem...fishy..." Agothar to Deledhel in the middle of negotiations with Sahuagin.

"Your combat moves are...weak. Your smites...laughable. Your faith...pathetic. Be on your way kid and don't cry... Crying pisses me off."
Deledhel at pelorite paladin he encountered later in the campaign.

Deledhel glares at Elanor standing in a burnt out throne room (which featured a-piece of coal-carcass with a crown).
Elanor: "Horny???"

"To withstand this kind of madness you have to be either me...or me."
Deledhel to the shocked Priest of the party that later witnessed the remains of the royal chambers

Ah...fun times indeed.

Jergmo
2009-10-17, 12:08 AM
There are more, but I can't remember them at the moment.

This was in a one-shot campaign, where I was allowed to play an Ogre barbarian, Garrick, and was accompanied by a human Sniper and a human Fighter. It was on MSN, and whenever we were separated, the DM would put us in different windows. There was a blizzard going on, so nobody could see very well, and my ogre ended up tripping a trap that grabbed his leg and then dragged him into a cave. So I was alone, and they didn't know what was going on except that Garrick was gone. They had made their way over to where the cave's entrance was, just when Garrick was on his way up.

Garrick was the only one who could see, since he had Darkvision, so the DM started describing his ascension in grand detail like some hulking monster was coming to get them.

Garrick: "Oh, hey."

Glyde
2009-10-17, 12:21 AM
First level party. We're exploring a thief's guild in Cromyr. The group opens a door and there's a hyena...thing. It pulls back its face and screams. The entire party fails the ensuing will save except for one character - My calm and collected warforged Archivist. This guy is on the pursuit of knowledge and is just absolutely *brilliant* as well as curious.

The rest of the party flees as fast as possible, leaving 'Legend Lore' standing in the doorway, staring at this face-peeler-screamy-thing. He wins initiative.

"Fascinating." And shuts the door. He turns and speaks to the cowering party. "It does not have thumbs."

Cue a loud thud as the hyena thing charges the door and knocks itself out.

Jade_Tarem
2009-10-17, 12:23 AM
I was DMing for a rogue who had split off from the main group. She noticed a trickle of blood coming out from under a door, and elected to open it and look inside.

Me: The door opens. A nasty stench washes out at you as you gaze upon the mangled remains of at least two and a half guards. From somewhere in the carnage you hear a gurgle. "The elites... they... you must..."


Rogue (not missing a beat): "Wrong door." *Shuts door and continues with what she was doing.*

Katana_Geldar
2009-10-17, 12:29 AM
I said this in a Star Wars Saga game to a player who wanted to cut in on a conversation that he chose to stay behind bfore instead of travelling with the players:

"Look, they are twenty kilometres away from where you are now and you didn't want to come when you had the chance. This isn't Star Trek and you're not beaming in there Scotty."

ondonaflash
2009-10-17, 12:33 AM
I do remember one scene, where my party was exploring a Labrynth, while being stalked by a shape-shifting demon. The Demon took the shape of my character and the party tried to puzzle out which of us was which. Never one for word puzzles I simply said "I sneak attack other me", I then killed my look-a-like and turned to the party and said "What?"

It was unilaterally agreed that the backab-ber was me.

Temet Nosce
2009-10-17, 12:46 AM
"I meant to do that.", after my character blew up the enemies crude flamethrower and nearly killed herself.

Zergrusheddie
2009-10-17, 12:48 AM
In a module, there was this monster that has DR +5/55 and Regeneration 20 and Fast Healing 10 that was thrown at level 6 players. Obviously, you were just supposed to run from it as it only moved like 30 feet in a full round action. It was "The Dung Monster."

Once the players started running and they found that they needed to leave, the most epic statement was made: "This brings a whole new meaning to the term crap's 'rolling down hill.'"

I played a Beguiler Batman style against a DM that had never seen any Wizard/Magic User used in that way. The other player's used to do just Evoker Wizards and the like, so I decided that it would be fun to show what Batman could do. Because we fought a lot of Undead and Constructs in the beginning, Glitterdust was the spell I cast the most often. As a Gray Elf and as a Beguiler, my DC was pretty high for a 2nd level.

A few sessions later. My Battlecry has become:
Me: GLITTERDUST!
DM (Shouting with lots of hand gestures): I HATE THAT DAMN SPELL!

The funny part is that the DM was nearly shouting because it seemed that whenever I cast good ol' Glitterdust, he was doomed to roll 3's on his Saves.

herrhauptmann
2009-10-17, 01:12 AM
In the witchfire campaign (3.0 version), second module. We're fighting the sorceress, and 4 coveners (undead with casting abilities), and the halfling rogue decides he's going to provoke an AOO by sliding through a coveners space, so he can get to the sorceress and start dealing damage when she casts.
He states, "I run and slide on the ground, right between her feet." as he reaches for the dice
I reply: "Don't look up" just as he rolls his dice.
Rogue rolls a 1.

hiryuu
2009-10-17, 09:55 AM
I got a lot of these.

d20 Modern/sci-fi/WoD stuff:

"I'm not gonna let the two of you stand watch together because you and her mix like nitroglycerin and shaking it."

Marine 1: "I'm fine, [the disease] has a twelve hour incubation period."
Marine 2: "It has an average incubation period of twelve hours. Some people start showing symptoms at eight, some at sixteen."
Robin (shaky, slight whine): "I got shot. That has an incubation period of right then."

"I don't want to wake up, I's was havin' a dream where I was a polygamist."

"Well, this is cooler than the last murder. You know, when it just turned out the guy liked to eat caulk."
"Ah, yes, the great caulk cruncher caper."

"I never thought I'd be dying. Of radiation poisoning. In Amish country."

"I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy, a ninja came out of nowhere and killed him."

Ryan (thinking aloud): "But why hydrogen cyanide?"
Coffee Lady: "It kills quickly, is easily made, and causes a lot of pain, which is why the victim tends to drop so fast. They are too busy twitching as the cells are incapable of producing ATP in order to sustain the body."
Aron (putting coffee down): "I'm gonna go get a soda."

"You break everything you touch."
"No I don't, I haven't broke the sidewalk yet."
"Debatable."

"Here's the plan. You're going to turn into that giant dinosaur dragon thing, and then bite him."
"No. I am not going Archid for you, and I am not putting him in my mouth."

"Last time this happened, I ended up with a vampire in my mouth. I do not care to repeat that experience."
"I don't see…."
"In my mouth! The vampire was in my mouth! I can still taste it!"

Midgard Serpent: "You are the dreamers and makers of the world. You may have anything you desire."
PC 1: "Hey, can I get a soda?"

"This could have been easy. It could have been smooth and normal. But no, you had to live in the murder house."

"It's all fun and games until someone puts out a ninja."

“I know how to use the spigot, I saw the horse do it!”

“Mutants everywhere.”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t think Sergeant Jenkins would take this well.”
“Yep. ‘specially since I took his pocketwatch.”

Robot to NPC vendor: “While you are correct in your assessment of my lack of buying power, you do not appear to realize that you, as a human, cannot function properly with a bullet hole in your head.”

Li: (Spot check, DC 24, sees an obvious demon dog) “Monster!”
John: “Monsters don’t exist.” (makes a Spot check, 24) “Relax, it’s a bat.”
Li (gaping in horror): “But bat has wolf parts!”
John (loading and cocking rifle): “Must be one of them northern European bat dogs.”

Li Tai: "Look, I tell USA I have perfect English speaking, they send me back to lie detector test. Last time, the man say 'there three-head monster in room?' I say 'maybe,' and when comes up correct statement, they look at me funny."

(After returning to the villain’s stronghold to get some information about a different villain and some more chocolate cake)
Villain: "You'll have to take the main entrance, since my elevator doesn't work. I think some desert animals crawled in there and died."
Paladin: "Yeah. I believe that. Except replace 'desert animals' with 'babies' and 'crawled in there' with 'thrown.'”
Summoner: “Yeah. And 'died' with 'flayed.'"

“Is it really necessary to have more explosives than the climax of a sci-fi channel original movie?”

“Let that be your lesson for this morning. Pain hurts.”

“His big plan is to drop a rock on the planet?”
“Not just any rock! Space demon infested rock!”
“We’ve already got space demons! That’s like setting a cockroach loose in a house that’s already infested!”
“Do you want to tell him that?”
(pause)
“You do it.”
Later: “Hey, man, I just wanted to tell youaahhhhohGaiamyface!”

“You think it’s okay? Will I lose my paladin powers?”
"You know if this were D&D you'd have lost your powers like ten times before lunch."

“Anybody get the number of that soul train that hit me?”

“You must never use the Force in anger.”
“I didn’t. I used a crowbar.”

“I’m baking a cake. Where are the grenades at?”

Said to Sith lord: "Hey who do you think aahhhohgodmyface!"

“Next time a Jedi falls out of the sky, I’ll kill him. And if I get a Dark Side point for it, I’ll kill the GM.”

“Grarg!”
“Is the droid on its period?”
“No, the damn council put the code that prevents protocol droids from killing people back in.”

“Why are they calling you Darth Zee?”
“It’s probably the threat that I’ll beat them into a stupor with a crowbar if’n they don’t behave.”
“But you’re a Jedi!”
“I know, I’m not doing it out of malice. I’m doing it because if I don’t, the little [expletive] will peel your face off and feed it to the ship’s rats.”
“Fair enough.”

“I’ll tear you to pieces.”
“I’ll tear you to pieces!”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones.”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones!”
“Okay, guys, next time you use the Force to start a bar fight, it’s Dark Side points for everyone.”

“You’ll be fine, honest! There’s only one rancor this time!”

“If you use the drill on his forehead you will get a Dark Side point.”
“Thank you sir! May I have another?”

“It is my duty as a Jedi player to tell you that I am acting not on anger, but on pure he-posted-naked-trids-of-me-on-the-holonet fury.”

“Are you trying to go Dark Side?”
“You know me, if I was trying I wouldn’t succeed. Remember the time my character tried to attack someone?”
“Was that before or after you got a new leg and two new arms?”
“Before.”

“I can’t believe that you, as both a twi’lek and a Jedi, allowed one of your ship-mates to buy one.”
“Hey, it’s part of our society, she sold her own contract.”
“But!”
“But nothin’. I didn’t complain when you came back with your new chest piercing, and the Jedi frown upon body modifications.”
“That was a blaster wound.”
“Same difference.”

(After finding out how to operate a Sith planet killer)
“Ooooh, pretty.”
“Dark Side point.”
“Why?”
“You just blew up a moon.”
“And?”
“That his character was still on.”
“Oops.”

“But, you’ve never done anything vaguely evil. You don’t have any Dark Side points at all!”
“I am very, very angry with the octopus stuck to my foot, I will use my Sith Alchemy to give him a rear end, and then I will force lightning him in it.”
“Okay, so, you never had any until now.”

"I will never get an iPod if I can avoid it. I do not trust a company that is unable to grasp the most basic rules of capitalization."

D&D:

“What? You want a reward? Why?”
“We won. We saved the world!”
“If I recall, we’re the ones who set the ancient evil loose in the first place.”
“But we put it back!”

“It glows! Dude! Save vs. sweetness!”

“Okay, we’ll follow the sword. But if this leads to breakfast cereal, I’m killing you all.”

“They’re after her lucky charms!”
“I told you that if this led to breakfast cereal, you would all die.”

The Mute Bard
2009-10-17, 10:03 AM
My character was the captain of a privateer ship with a crew filled completely with fleshed out NPCs. The crew's doctor was a Vanara (see:Oriental Adventures), and was therefore played as being very playful and mischievous by the DM.

One "day" My character was busy doing something or other (can't quite remember) , and the ship's doctor decided to go mess around in my quarters. This basically amounted to her going through drawers and putting underwear on her head, socks on her hands, and eating lipstick.

It was at this time that my character returned, and found the ships doctor. There was a long pause as the two characters stared at eachother...

My character lifted up her hand and said very seriously, "You have five minutes." Then slowly shut the door and walked away. :smallbiggrin:

The Rose Dragon
2009-10-17, 10:19 AM
I don't recall the exact context, but it went something like this.

Female lich sorcerer, so obviously Charisma is off the charts. The DM gets around to mentioning her Charisma modifier, when one of the players immediately says "I hit on her".

The DM goes: "...she's a decaying skeleton".

BarbarianNina
2009-10-17, 12:03 PM
"How much does moldy wood sell for?"
Hethrir, CN mercenary sorcerer.

Druid, trying to persuade a very young, very immature Winter Wolf to bathe:
"How about a bubble bath, Dremca? You like bubbles!"
Winter Wolf: "Dremca want bubbles and NO bath!"

A player once responded to learning that her gnome bard had been magically forced to fall in love with a house cat by composing and singing a multiple-verse ballad to the cat. In character.

"Don't. Poke. The Tiefling."
Tiefling Rogue, brandishing a dagger.

"I don't work for ANYBODY."
CN Tiefling Rogue, explaining to the bad guy's pet sorcerer why, even under the influence of a 'charm person' spell, he was not willing to switch to Team Evil.

Thespianus
2009-10-17, 01:39 PM
I play the theatrical arcane Rogue Thespianus in our current campaign. As I was attacking some monster with a sneak attacked rapier, I shouted something along the line of

"Now Thespianus will do what Thespianus does best!"
*rolls a 1*

Later on, the same situation:

"Again, Thespianus will do what Thespianus does best!"
*rolls a 1*

I've stopped shouting that before attacking now.

Tyrmatt
2009-10-17, 03:19 PM
Cribbed shamelessly from Baldur's Gate 2. Minsc gets all the best lines.

Evil, meet my sword! SWORD! MEET EVIIIIILLL!!

I'm sure there was a fan patch that allowed the talking sword to go "Hey!" when he said that.

Korivan
2009-10-17, 04:25 PM
"FOR THE MOOOOOOONKYYYYYYY!!!!!"

I love monkeys

Quincunx
2009-10-17, 04:41 PM
L5R:

Cranky old sorceror to idealistic yojimbo: "You ran off!?! You're not supposed to protect the helpless women and children, you're supposed to protect ME!

WoD:

Flunkies to fighter-build vampire: "You. . .talked him out of being primogen?!"

A Tzimisce amuses itself by tearing off its face and kneading the skin like Play-Dough.
Neonate, ooc: "Won't you have to make a humanity check for that?"
Tzimisce, not missing a beat: "Humana-vhat?"

Unscrewed
2009-10-17, 05:26 PM
My old Genius: The Transgression game had a bunch of fun one-liners.

"We're fighting rocket powered monkeys on lonely forest road, armed only with a shotgun and our WITS!" –Kyle

"I am as Prometheus, bound in chains for the sin of aiding men, and the eagles come now for the feasting upon of my deliciously livery liver. The eagles are also monkeys!"
-Alvin

“Strauss, while Alvin plays with the ax, what are you doing?”
“Watching in horror, mostly.”
-Storyteller/Strauss’s Player

"I think I just broke reality. Or time. Or both.”
-Kyle

"Out of curiousity, what's going to kill us? Being eaten by the lobsters, or will we drown first?"
-Strauss

“Why are Hollow Earth Nazis sending catgirls to kill me in the first place?”
-Kyle

“Who will call Alice Gotti?"
"I can't. I used my phone's battery for an experiment earlier, and it exploded. A little."
-K/Richard Strauss

"Hi Gotti, It's Kyle. Wanna save some orphaned children?"
“Are any dead yet? I'm trying to be a homicide detective, kid."
-Kyle/Gotti

"Oh ****. I just burned orphans to death."
Richard Strauss (OOC, but still great)

"Are you with the Navigators? You have the Crazy Eye Gleam of Justice, I think."
-Hook-man

"It looks like the earth no longer shows up on camera. This is cool!"
-Kyle.

"I don't think fairies use time bombs."
-Kyle

“Fairies aren't real. Fairies aren't real."
-K
Note: We had just entered the Hedge, and K wan’t taking it very well

"They're just an extra-dimensional alien race. They're just an extra-dimensional alien race."
-Gadget Winter
Note: Neither was Gadget, for that matter.

"Now, if you insist, I'll remove the video cameras from my room, but I swear, those are only for security purposes."
-Charles

"Eat obscure English sports equipment, goon!"
-Kyle

Drascin
2009-10-17, 06:11 PM
Dunno if funny, but some of my players actually noted down the one-liners they thought made for a good, quick definition of the characters in the campaigns. These are some in the txt (I'll add notes myself)

"Ants may swarm, but alone they are nothing to a lion. Now squirm for me, little ant, for your anthill is no more"
- Nayaire, evil druid, to a mob boss. It's surprising how much a well placed hurricane can cramp the style of even the biggest mob.

"Trosky, if you ever try a Diplomacy check again, I'm going to summon a patch of briars with foot-long thorns and order them to conduct exhaustive espeleology on each one of your orifices. This is not an empty threat."
- Same, after the party's halfgiant rolls 1 on a Diplomacy check on the king.

"...you know, for a God, you're pretty cool. I need to leave you alone when I bring down the divine pantheon"
- Tim, antitheist wizard, to the God of Love. He got a lightning bolt for that.

"I'll make a distraction!"
- Tim again, very frequently, always right before fireballing an important building. It's basically become an injoke by now.

"Meh, tactics. I have a beard, I have an axe. The rest's just accessories"
- Dugnor, evil Dwarf Crusader. Probably ended up with a bigger bodycount than the whole Zhentarim organization by the end.

"Stupid bars not stop Trosky! Trosky be STONE HARD!" *headbutts adamantine jail door*
- Trosky Stonehard, Half Giant. He actually ended up breaking them that time. Apparently Greater Psionic Weapon applies to improvised weapons, which includes Tims.

"Kill you? But you've been dead since you decided to target Ciss. I'm just bringing your notification"
- Shin, slayer and wee bit overprotective of the rest of his party.

"Oh come on! I have a damn giant glowing demonic hand! I think I deserve one Shining Finger parody!"
- Ciss, who really doesn't need anyone to look out for her.

Djinn_in_Tonic
2009-10-17, 07:26 PM
From my friends Eberron Campaign (starring me as Udk)

Mrs. Forge (our landlady): "You boys haven't paid your rent in months! You should be happy I put a roof over your heads!"
Udk, 7 Intelligence Orc Barbarian (currently possessed by a demon): "Udk think maybe you be happy he not turn into giant nasty monster and eat your face."
Zan, Changeling Rogue, rather thoughtfully: "You know, he's right."

Rixx
2009-10-17, 08:21 PM
Terrance (human ranger): "I've been working on my sideburns, actually. They're layered."
Linthel (drow wizard): "Layered with what? Dirt?"

msully4321
2009-10-17, 08:46 PM
A large force of menacing looking men had us in an ambush, and the sorceress leading them wanted a Macguffin we had gotten.

Her: "You have something that doesn't belong to you."
My factotum: "Ma'am, we have a lot of things that don't belong to us."

mem0man
2009-10-17, 08:55 PM
Bonnelon, elven strategist upon being told the approaching orcish force was closer to 10,000 then the 3500 originally planned for - "Bigger holes and more rocks, I need more rocks."

Bonnelon to the human general upon seeing the orcish forces routed after furious fighting by a clever use of Entangle and Dancing Lights in the dead of night that completely dropped orcish morale and forced a retreat - "Damn if I realized that would worked I would have just went to sleep and let you run the show"

Bonnelon to the human's head War Mage upon receiving his reward of a scroll of Disintegrate to add to his spell book after said fight - "Ya it was really nothing," Pulling out two first level scrolls and handing them to the warmage "but if you really want a laugh, use those and scream LIGHT MONSTER!"

Shadowbane
2009-10-17, 09:34 PM
I'm totally stealing Shadowbane's thunder, but this needed to be posted.

Aha! Great choice! :D

My players have great ones.

Demonadin PC, interrogating prisoner: I cut off his finger.

Me, DM: He begins to scream as blood spurts around.

Wizard PC: I take the finger, I cast animate object. Then I put the finger in the captive's mouth.

woodenbandman
2009-10-17, 09:43 PM
It is tragic that I can't remember any of these. I know we've had some.

Choco
2009-10-17, 10:08 PM
"Someone get me a bigger weapon. And a potion of Cure Light Wounds"
-said upon seeing the Tarrasque, and already wielding a Fullblade.

"But it will take over a WEEK for me to kill them all now!"
-General Nell, upon being informed that over half her allied generals and their forces had defected to the enemy, who already had them outnumbered 5 to 1, before the big battle.

OracleofWuffing
2009-10-17, 10:34 PM
Out-of-Character, but still a one-liner nonetheless.

In one of our many, many failed attempts to have an Oriental Adventures campaign, I decided to roll up a shaman. I was given practically an hour to prepare this character, so I really had no clue what to do for spells and skills. Anyhow, I saw that Weapon Bless required me to write the name of a target on a weapon, I somehow got the crazy idea that I'd write my target down on a piece of paper, fold the paper into something, and then pierce it on or wrap it around the weapon I was blessing. So, uh, I put ranks into craft(Origami). "Hey, it's a ten-minute spell, there's no way I'm casting this in battle."

Come game time, I realize I didn't actually purchase any paper for this, and try to buy some paper when I'm still in town. As it turns out, the rich family quest-giver type people have lots of paper, so I get my little quest hook there after being asked "Why would you put ranks into Craft(Origami)" one too many times.

Me: "So, how much paper can I have?"
DM: "Take as much as you want, for whatever you need."
Me: *Does that slowly-transistion-into-a-big-fat-grin thing that the Grinch is known for.*
DM: "... Within reason! Within reason!
Me: "We all live in a paper submarine! A paper submarine! A paper submarine!"

B0nd07
2009-10-17, 10:56 PM
Here's a few that I can remember:

"Can I rob [the gun shop]?"
- One of the players in my hybrid D&D/Modern campaign, OoC. He was lvl 3. The owner was CR5. Things did not go well for him.


"It's like a butterfly crapped a rainbow in my brain."
- My Goliath Fighter in a one shot adventure shortly after falling into a pool of pure chaos, after saving a party member from it, and just before jumping back in to his death.


"Only good can come of [this/that]."
- A running gag of sorts with my group, usually said by the same person. Used similarly to the Star Wars "I've got a bad feeling about this".

OutlawJT
2009-10-18, 12:33 AM
I played a halfling rogue once. In the campaign we were trying to lead a nighttime pre-emptive strike on an evil citadel. The party was going to sneak in and open the gates to let an army in. We were going to do this by climbing up the outside of the tower on the side of a cliff-face overlooking a wide crocodile infested river. My halfling made all the climb checks all the way up to the top but it being night he didn't notice all the bird crap littering the top of the tower. I rolled a nat 1 on my reflex save, slipped on the bird crap on fell off the tower back the way I had come. On a reflex save on the way down I succeeded and caught a windowsill. Someone inside made their listen check to hear it and threw the shutters open knocking me off so I fell the rest of the 200 feet down to the river. I was about forty feet away from our boat when I burst through the surface waving and said "I'm ok!" to the party right before a giant crocodile swallowed me in one bite. The parties response.....

"I can't believe he stuck the landing."
"Yeah, right up until the crocodile ate him."

Ravens_cry
2009-10-18, 01:08 AM
"You will be pan seared with the Light of Saranrae!"
Paladin before unleashing Saranraes might on a Dire Boar.

Thrice Dead Cat
2009-10-18, 03:36 AM
"Only good can come of [this/that]."
- A running gag of sorts with my group, usually said by the same person. Used similarly to the Star Wars "I've got a bad feeling about this".

I had a similar habit in my SWSE game. "This is [only] a good idea" was my tag for most of the game. It started off series, in that, they actually were good ideas, then became outlandish and not entirely practical, before wrapping back around to being solid ideas again... right before the game went on hiatus for Deadlands.


Here are a few more, from SWSE:

GM - “Pick a port of call, any port of call. If you picked Babylon 5, you chose wrong.”
Me - “Oh, what about Deep Space 9?”
Jedi's player - “Or Miranda?”
Soldier's player - “Persephone!”

Me - “Come on, T3! (Out of character) …Hmm, I should probably stop treating him like a dog.”
GM - “He’s a droid: what else do you treat him like?”

This last one was shortly after finding out that our medic had some force training. Keep in mind that this is well past six months of game with games occurring about once a week. Also, for the record, I was a dubious shade of grey, the medic, previously off-white.

Me - “And here I thought I’d be the one to fall.”
“Darth” Maren - “Race ya!”

Godskook
2009-10-18, 09:06 AM
"Someone get me a bigger weapon. And a potion of Cure Light Wounds"
-said upon seeing the Tarrasque, and already wielding a Fullblade.

What amuses me is that the estimation for post/mid-battle healing will only come to 1 CLW potion.

Fishy
2009-10-18, 09:26 AM
Some of Jodin's party believe they are somehow being help in some sort of prison cell. Jodin presents his counterargument:
- "OI! Anybody out there? We're ESCAPING!"

Shisezan, Goddess of Storms, Destruction, and Horrible Death By Drowning, expresses annoyance at her co-workers:
- "What is it with you people and your 'doing things for reasons'?"

Ylla, formerly a schoolteacher, drafted into Special Special Forces, prepares for a mission:
- "Right then. Let's all stay together, we don't want anybody running off by themselves, do we? And did everyone remember to bring enough ammunition?"

Ylla, on being told that her horrible torture and slavery is perfectly fine, because she has the option to 'just walk away' at any time:
- "I'm not walking away. You are running."

Asherah explains her contributions to the team:
- "I've got Powers Wot Are Beyond Your Mortal Comp-rehenshun. Also I can talk to rats an' they do wot I say."

Shadowbane
2009-10-18, 11:45 AM
Mine, when facing a werewolf: ...I guess I have to get out the good silver for you.

And later, when facing another werewolf who had bitten off some of my fingers earlier in the campaign and kept them around his neck on a necklace: *Pulls werewolf down to eye-level using necklace then shoots him in the face* Snausages!

Unscrewed
2009-10-18, 09:18 PM
A few more quotes

"THINK FIRST!"
"I am thinking!"
"You're RUNNING, you idiot."
"I'm running and thinking!"
-Charles/Kyle/Charles/Kyle
Note: Kyle had seen a vampire feeding and had gone to interfere.

"Hey, is that sniper yours?"
"What?
*BAM*
"Guess not."
-Kyle/Goon/Kyle

"You three have now inconvenienced me in two continents. If the world weren't ending I would kill you."
-Devon Ogura, to the party.

"What the--? Kyle, look out. We've got some sort of ****ed up bloody plant-man coming in! And it looks PISSED!"
"That's probably Carlton."
-Gotti/Kyle

Dexam
2009-10-18, 11:05 PM
This event happened in a D&D 3.5 game I was running several years ago. The party had been out bounty hunting a "wanted: dead or alive" criminal group hiding in a nearby forest, and were returning to town late at night with the severed head of one of the criminals. The town had a curfew, and there was a hefty gate toll for anyone trying to enter the town after sunset. Some of the party members were feeling strapped for cash (hence taking the bounty hunting job), and were trying to bargain with the gate guards to let them in for free. After several failed attempts by various PCs to convince the guards to open the gates, some of the players were getting a bit frustrated and the following happened:

Me (to players): "You know, you do have the head of [criminal's name]..." (implying that if they show the guards the head of the wanted criminal, they'd be let into town).

Half-orc Cleric (annoyed): "We can't very well pay with head, can we?"

Me: *blink!blink!* "Well..."

*cue me and the rest of the players collapsing into helpless laughter for five minutes as the player of the Half-orc Cleric realises what they'd said and tries to convince us "that's not what I meant! You know what I meant!" :smalleek:*

***

One from me (playing a Hound Archon) to the DM in a planes-hopping adventure: "Okay, here's the the plan: we take the possessed prisoner to Mount Celestia, exorcise the demon and smite it a new one!"

Jack Zander
2009-10-19, 09:18 AM
My group's all-time best one-liner needs a little bit of a setup...

The key party members are a warforged fighter (me) and a gnome artificer. We are hunting a few bandits at their camp in the woods, and the artificer comes up with a brilliant plan to fill all their pants with pure horror (or maybe just poop, I have a hard time telling the difference). He casts some sort of illusion (concentrated silent image I think) to make me look like a human, and hands me a potion of enlarge person. The rest of the party hides in the forest while I walk calmly up to the bandits. I drink the potion and as I'm enlarging, I rip at various places on my body. The artificer concentrates on the illusion to make it look like I am tearing apart my own body and this huge mechanical beast is emerging. I point to the leader and say:

"I am the flesh wearer! You will be my new skin!"

Choco
2009-10-19, 09:25 AM
Half-orc Cleric (annoyed): "We can't very well pay with head, can we?"

Oh man, I almost fell out of my chair laughing... this half-orc must have been REALLY desperate to get back into town huh? :smalltongue:

Farlion
2009-10-19, 09:34 AM
In a D&D campaign I played a while ago.

Some elves were sitting in the woods, we knew they had bows. Our barbarian gets really fed up with all the waiting and starts to charge. The fighter next to him, doesn't want to leave him, so he charges as well. About half way there (this was good some 1000 ft away) the elves start to shoot. The fighter and the barbarian both get hit. After noticing, that he started lagging behind and that his chances of surviving his charge started to shrink, he states:

Fighter: "I won't make it!"

Now the barbarian, up to that point, had never said much, but this one sentence will always accompany us:

Barbarian: "I will drink to you, comrad"

And runs off. The fighter died with all those arrows, the barbarian reached the woods and killed the elves.

Needless to say, we were all really astonished and actually had to take a break, to honor it!

Cheers,
Farlion

subject42
2009-10-19, 10:14 AM
We were playing rifts once and we needed to knock an NPC unconscious. My character conned the NPC into helping him change a tire on his truck and then gestured to a party member with a sand bag to whack the guy on the head.

At this point another party member thought I was gesturing to him and stepping in to punch the guy unconscious.

The character that was planning on doing the punching was a nine foot tall, two ton cyborg that did "Mega Damage" in Rifts parlance. Characters that do mega damage can basically sneeze on normal human beings and turn them into a paste, so they need to pull their punches if they just want to knock somebody out.

We all knew that this was a mistake, but we decided to roleplay it as a hilarious miscommunication. The player looked at his stats and realized that if he rolled below a 4 would miss the person entirely. If the rolled above a 4 he would succeed in pulling his punch.

The d30 came up on a 4. He punched straight through the poor NPC's head, leaving him stuck to the character's fist.

Making the best of a bad situation, the player at the table pulled his hand up, and miming a dead NPC hand puppet, said:

"WE CAN STILL DO THIS!"

Slurpee Addict
2009-10-19, 10:41 AM
We had just gotten through a Dungeon and where outside the final room, when our DM gave us a console of bottons. I was a Wizard/Archane Archer and my buddy was a Rogue.

Me: "Oh look, Bottons."
DM: "Wat do you do?"
Me & rogue: "Press 'em!"
DM: "****."

subject42
2009-10-19, 10:47 AM
Me: "Oh look, Bottons."
DM: "Wat do you do?"
Me & rogue: "Press 'em!"
DM: "****."

What happened?

Sleepingbear
2009-10-19, 11:08 AM
"One of these days we're going to learn to not be so cocky. Today is not that day."

-Cam, Cleric and party leader.

AtwasAwamps
2009-10-19, 11:33 AM
Though I only just got into the tabletop thing, I’ve already seen a few that make me happy.

OOC: This one has some set up.

See, Lee is a monk. And Lee’s player is a really fun-loving tongue-in-cheek guy. The result is that Lee is an absolutely reckless absolutely determined monk with a theme song. That theme song? The theme from Mortal Kombat. Now usually, Lee’s player could play the song on his phone, but his phone was broken. Not that big of a deal…

…except that Lee was about to get himself into deep, deep doodoo. Because of his duty to his home monastery, Lee was about to go alone, at midnight, to a temple where the secret scrolls of his order were being kept after being stolen. In his way are…not only a ludicrous number of monks, but a huge half-orc monk named Kodiak who we all knew could beat us horribly all by himself (and there are like six of us…no we don’t optimize).

So Lee gets to the temple and confronts Kodiak, all steel and quite determination. He refuses to take Kodiak’s offer of leniency and run from a challenge he knows he can’t defeat. Lee’s player is looking grim, knowing what he’s doing is stupid but prepared to accept the consequences. Kodiak takes a fighting stance and beckons him. Lee’s player furrows his brow…

And that’s when I hit play on my blackberry.

As the first beats of pounding techno filled our tiny room, Lee’s player leaped out of his chair, held his hands to the sky, and then pointed to the DM:

LEE’S PLAYER: “ROLL INITIATIVE YOU MOTHER******!”

Lee got the non-lethal crap kicked out of him and was dumped in the inn we stayed at the following morning, but god if that wasn’t satisfying.

IC:

Lee, during the above fight, barely standing, after having landed one dramatic blow on Kodiak’s cheek (the only one he was going to land). He was at maybe two HP:

“So…had…enough…yet?”

Naya the Dragon Shaman: (panting and tired) “You…are…surrounded!”
~To an enemy 30 feet away, after a run action, who just slapped Lee upside the head with an axe. The enemy was not, in fact, surrounded.

Roland (paladin. Also me!): “MIRANDA! TRY AND REASON WITH THEM!” ::crushes head of nearest foe::
~Miranda (swashbuckler) was the only party member who spoke the language of the non-evil humans that were attacking us. I’m new. Nobody told me about non-lethal damage.

Roland: “Brother, you are one lazy cleric.”
~To the NPC cleric with a move speed of crap all. He made it into the room after we’d already basically smacked it around.

Solar (NPC Cleric): I think these people need Heroneius in their life, don’t you, brother?
Roland: They need something, that’s for sure.

Invoker (forgot the character name): Hey! This guy wants to be in a story. Guys! He wants to be in a story. Hey guy! About two miles that way is an enchanted forest! GO FIND YOUR STORY.
~To my adventure-seeking warlord in our notoriously combat heavy and difficult 4e game. Apparently said forest was full of evil and death.

Sciane (my warlord) to the pretty shifter druid girl after she turns into a woman in front of him for the first time: “I am sorry I tried to feed you my meat.”

Yukitsu
2009-10-19, 11:47 AM
"Nice catch."
-Allistair, after pumping a casters casting hand full of lead.

"You can martyr me after I kill all these demons, because frankly, stopping them just isn't cutting it."
-Allistair, to his intelligent holy avenger that's trying to get him killed.

"Oh, that's a bloody mess. Not every day that I get myself killed like that. Shame for you that it isn't enough to keep a good man down."
-Allistair after his trickery devotion simulacrum got crushed.

"You know, I've never much practiced disarming, though apparantly, I don't need it."
-Lorne, after cutting off a thieves arm.

"I see. How about this for a counter offer?"
-Lorne, to a soon to be dead evil mook trying to buy off our loyalty.

For some reason, the only people I play a quippy are elves. It's basically my way of RPing arrogance.

subject42
2009-10-19, 12:11 PM
"Have you heard the good news, brother?"

"What is it?"

"Kord has KILLED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE for your sins!"

ondonaflash
2009-10-19, 02:10 PM
"Have you heard the good news, brother?"

"What is it?"

"Kord has KILLED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE for your sins!"

I like this one.

Grommen
2009-10-19, 04:16 PM
BBEG (undead to boot). "And because you have so nicely wandered into my trap, where I will kill you all horribly. I'll offer to answer one of your questions before you die."

Quinton the Great -- "Just one?"

"Hay what happens when you drop Theromite down into the Nuclear core?"
--Sparticus Blade-- Not quite the best demo man in the Rebellion.

"I get half"
--Jynx-- Her normal statement when finding the loot.

"I inform her that she looks better than the trophies on my wall. And one of them is a 10 point!"
--The Flannel Samurai-- Pick up line (and it worked)

Kelunas
2009-10-20, 09:46 AM
The party stumbles into an area where dwarf children are playing. The fighter, who speaks dwarven, talks to them for a bit and the children go skipping away.

The group's barbarian, who doesn't understand dwarvish, draws his sword and, in an extremely serious tone with rage in his eyes, asks the fighter "What did you learn ?" to which the fighter, utterly puzzled said "uh... they wanted to know if I had some candy."

drengnikrafe
2009-10-20, 10:03 AM
One of my PCs does a lot of things on a whim...

My description of the area: A large, imposing tower so tall you cannot see the top of it sits in front of you. There is an old door loosely attached to hinges blocking the doorway. A horribly broken sign, practically ready to fall on the next person to make noise sits 20 feet above the door. It says "Mages Guild". (I then spend a few minutes describing how powerful the wizards are).
Ian:"Cool, I walk up and kick down the door".
Me: :smalleek:

Slurpee Addict
2009-10-20, 10:54 AM
What happened?

the bottons released the traps the were supposed t be used to kill the four iron gollums that were protecting the room. we won anyway, mostly through the summoning of three troll zombies and a huge fiendish centipied.

sambo.
2009-10-20, 11:10 AM
"Today is a good day for someone else to die"
"Remember: wild, uncontrolled bursts!"
"Whut?"

with apologies to Terry Pratchett, Gene Roddenberry and whoever wrote the screenplay for Aliens.

cheezewizz2000
2009-10-20, 11:15 AM
Evil guy after all his guards have been dispatched: "You're just a bunch of murderers!"

Eric: "We're adventurers. There's a fine line"

*mace to the face*

R. Shackleford
2009-10-20, 11:15 AM
On a level one campaign, we were looking for someone's husband in a cave that was once inhabited by a dragon. The group isn't really interested in saving the husband though. We enter an encounter with a kobold shaman wearing the dragon's skull.

So, trying to trick the DM more than anyone else, my bard says, "Mystery solved, that's what killed the dragon."

dhampir984
2009-10-20, 03:39 PM
"I have a glandular problem! DON'T LOOK AT ME!" A giant paladin who just rolled a nat 20 on a bluff check while trying to get past a dwarven patrol where their highest roll was a 3.

"It's a wand of Knock. Not a wand of Knock Up." The cleric to the promiscuous rogue after suggesting where the wand could be stashed in an emergency.

"You went all night. He had the Endurance feat." DM to the rogue describing her evening.

AtwasAwamps
2009-10-20, 03:44 PM
Not from an RP session, but from a game:

Berserker: IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!
Soldier: You always say that.
Berserker: (with a shrug) Well, it always is.

~Too Human

JeenLeen
2009-10-20, 03:52 PM
"My, you are of edible size." -Fighter meeting a gnome cleric
"...pardon?" - Gnome cleric of Pelor, meant to join the party
"Wot was that?" - Halfing rogue in the party

Later:
"I'm not evil!" - Fighter, after a misunderstanding
"You talked about eating me when we first met." - Cleric
"It was just a casual statement!" -Fighter

Stompy
2009-10-20, 03:53 PM
In a planescape game I was in, there was a priestess of Lolth giving a speech about the importance of religion (namely hers), when she takes a dagger in the face. The Harmonium (police) decide to ask the party questions.

Harmonium: "Did you throw a knife at this woman?"
Party Cleric: "No. We use a mace."

Dogmantra
2009-10-20, 03:59 PM
I was playing a rather dense Half-Orc Fighter, and one of the others in my group was playing a slightly crazy Halfling Rogue.

Me: Small man funny. Small man make me laugh.
Him: I'm not small, I'm fun sized!

Saph
2009-10-20, 04:06 PM
Long buildup to this one, but it's worth it. :)

Star Wars Saga campaign, session 2. Our six-character party ends up in a huge knock-down drag-out battle against two security droids, two guards, and an evil-lookng woman who turned out to be a dark force user. After ten rounds of combat the only ones left standing are my Jedi apprentice, another Jedi being played by another player (though he calls himself an 'adept'), and the dark force user. Everyone's wounded.

The other player throws down his last Force power card and blasts the dark force user with Force Lightning, causing jaws to drop all around the table (he'd been keeping it secret until the very last moment). It does huge amounts of damage and almost kills her. Once I've got over the surprise, I move in to attack, raise my lightsaber, and tell her to surrender.

Dark User: " . . . All right."
Me: "I stop and ready my action to attack if she does."
Adept: "No, kill her!"
Me: "She's not offering any resistance. We shouldn't—"
Adept: "She's too dangerous! Just kill her now!"
Me: "I can't, it's against the Jedi code." (Yes, we actually both said this.)

And at this point, one of the other players, who was knocked out early in the fight and who's been sitting watching quietly, suddenly calls out:

"No! Do it! If you don't kill her now, this is going to drag out for three more movies!"

It took five minutes for everyone to stop laughing.

OMG PONIES
2009-10-20, 05:01 PM
This actually just came up on Sunday night. Since I'm unable to play every week with my D&D group, I've been playing various NPCs when I can. This week, I played Lily Nebro, the daughter of a bullywug crime boss. Lily, being all business, had agreed to help the party if they signed a formal contract. This included a clause that the party would hold the Nebro family harmless for any injuries, as well as paying them a 15% commission of any loot acquired in their mission. Later, the party begins to doubt if Lily has their best interests in mind, and she tries to defend herself.

Lily: What do I have to gain from your deaths?
PC: What do you have to gain from our lives?
Lily (deadpan, immediately): 15%.

Brendan
2009-10-20, 08:01 PM
"I am aware that as DM you choose what happens, however I am the host. Do you want to sleep in the bathroom?"
- The result of an unpopular ruling by the DM

Tavar
2009-10-21, 02:36 AM
In a game on the these forums, the 2nd level party I'm in was trying to find shelter, and we found a cave with a iron door. The Door had some writing, but due to an absence of Knowedge History or Local, we were unable to deduce what they meant beyond giving the place a name. Of course, this lead to the following line:



"NO USE STANDING OUT HERE. EVERYONE, QUICKLY, INTO THE SAFETY OF ACERERAK."


Funnily enough, it is safer than the alternative....

Hzurr
2009-10-21, 02:25 PM
... were supposed to be used to kill the four iron gollums...

Do you mean "Golems?" Because if not, this is either the stupidest or awesomest thing I've ever heard.

"My precioussssssss...." *clank* *clank* *clank*

Rixx
2009-10-21, 02:35 PM
A random NPC girl started hitting on Alex, my half-elf rogue.

Girl: "I could show you things that you've never seen before~"
Alex: "...I doubt that."

(Alex is a girl disguised as a man.)

jiriku
2009-10-21, 03:32 PM
Player: "I teleport 1500 feet in the air to avoid the swarm of fiendish locusts!"
DM: "Do you have any means of flying?"
Player: "What?"

El Chupaqueso
2009-10-21, 04:24 PM
I was DMing an evil campaign with monster PCs, and I had them come across a rope bridge where a group of Bugbears demanded a hefty toll to cross. Naturally, a fight was going to ensue on the bridge, and when I had them roll for initiative, the Doppelganger Rogue whips out his rapier and yells:

"If you wanted to commit suicide, you could have jumped off the bridge!"

I gave him 10 xp just for that.

Dust
2009-10-21, 04:39 PM
Please forgive the very slight racism on these ones.

One of our allies had been shot...many, many times...and we took her out to the woods and gave her a proper burial. Later, we were investigated by the FBI and they found the body.

FBI: "Perhaps you'd like to explain why we found this individual buried on your premises?"
Me: "Um. They were attacked. By a bear."
FBI: "This corpse shows no signs of a 'bear' attack. In fact, it seems to have been shot repeatedly."
Other PC: "It was a BLACK bear."

----------

In a superhero campaign, the BBEG had holed up in a museum in tokyo, and the whole place was surrounded by police with guns drawn. At this point, the general populace was not aware of the existence of supernatural powers.

So when the burly party Texan transforms his skin into solid steel and starts wading through the sea of police to the museum, they panic and start shooting at him. He pauses and looks completely confused as the shots ricochet off his skin, and then it's like a lightbulb goes on over his head.
"Don't worry," the giant metal man says, raising his hands in a gesture of peace, "It's all right. I'm an american."

Dust
2009-10-21, 04:48 PM
Al from the same D&D campaign:

"I never wanted to be nothin' but a good ole' halfling, no sir. But for her, ah Yondalla forgive me, I could take being an elf for a night or three."

"Graveyards and mysterious women tend to be a bad combination. Er, at least...I'd....uh, ASSUME it would be a bad combination."

"With enough alcohol in my veins to inebriate a human cavalry unit and their mounts, I don't give two figs at this point about legalities."

"You forget that we have Bahamut on our side!"
"I think it would help more if Bahamut were actually here."

"You OWN THE INN? YOU OWN IT? And we slept in the field!? I nestled myself next to some rock as though it were my spouse of 20 years and my toes were cold!"

"What? No 'Oh, Umbo, I thought we'd lost you!', or 'Oh, Umbo, how heroic!', or even an 'Oh Umbo, you look even more handsome with glue pasting down your hair and acid burning away your face'?"

"HEY! ZOMBIE BASTARDS! I'M MARINATED IN THE BEST DAMN DWARVEN BOOZE YOU'LL FIND IN A HUNDRED MILES! COME GET SOME!"

"I move closer to Umbo and the skulls. (The Halfling and the Pile of, not the popular Orcish Country and Western Death Rock Band)."

Slurpee Addict
2009-10-21, 07:23 PM
Do you mean "Golems?" Because if not, this is either the stupidest or awesomest thing I've ever heard.

"My precioussssssss...." *clank* *clank* *clank*

sadly i do mean golems. the other would have been too epic for us to handle.

Jade_Tarem
2009-10-21, 08:01 PM
I've posted this before, but I think my favorite is still from a game with a Half-Orc frenzied berserker/bear warrior/barbarian, right after the party had discovered they could use Magic Jar to put all the good mage self-only buffs on the barbarian.

They would step out in front of enemy armies and yell, "Everyone please remain calm! This is a field test of supreme cleave!"

Carden
2009-10-21, 10:54 PM
I once played a monk that worshiped a god of fire with enough zealotry to be a paladin if he was actually good. I would engulf myself in flames to do battle. I... I had to say it...

"TASTE MY FLAMING FISTS OF JUSTICE!"

Masterclick
2009-10-21, 11:09 PM
So in a campaign I was running, one of the throwaway characters I had was based off an old character in WoW. It was a gnome barbarian. Int was her dump stat and she had a 16 str at lvl one as well as a high dex. So one of the PC's decided to befriend her (I still don't know why) so he took her back to an inn (where previously I had for a completely different reason determined there were free muffins).
Later the town the inn is in gets invading. Now instead of saving the major plot character, they go to save her. One of my characters who had just died had determined to play as her (I require my dead PC's to make modifications to new characters based on existing NPC's). So the PC just randomly started attacking the invaders (who were gnomes as well). I asked them why she would randomly attack the gnomes and throw them out a window he said quote on quote (in characters) "You no take free muffin!"

Lycan 01
2009-10-21, 11:30 PM
My soft-spoken Russian Catholic Priest after passing his Sanity Check in response to meeting a Deep One that was a powerful High Priest of Dagon in the Chapel of the Esoteric Order of Dagon during the only Call of Cthulhu game I was ever a player in:
"BACK TO HELL WITH YE, YE ABOMINATION UNTO GOD!!!" *blasts Deep One's head from its shoulders with a double-barrel shotgun*"

Loxagn
2009-10-22, 12:37 AM
I love my bard Rem.

"You know what's best about being the big guy?"
(Low-level Gnommish apprentice sorceror, who is conveniently standing near a window.) "What's that?"
"Leverage."
(bard boots the gnome out the window. It's a 50 foot-tall tower and we're on the top floor.)

(Spoken to Candice, party ranger, after she's been unreasonably hissy. Candice is royalty.)
"Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!"

Choco
2009-10-22, 08:58 AM
Stolen from YGOTAS, and the reason why I am no longer allowed to use rods with any character I play, even casters...

"OPEN WIDE AND SUCK ON MY ROD!"
-said every time my sorcerer used a rod against an enemy

ondonaflash
2009-10-23, 01:33 AM
"You're a paladin! Shouldn't you be a peacemaker?"

"I am..." The paladin approaches him and runs him through "And here is the peace I grant you."

Cisturn
2009-10-23, 07:51 PM
Aegis, a half celestial cleric, after breaking down the door and decapitating a villain torturing another PC "Sorry I'm late, I was fighting a dragon"

Aegis in an intimidate check to the last 2 survivors of some evil religions elite knights, "I am Aegis, Cleric of Cuthbert, Son of Tank, Prince of the Cisturn kingdom, do you know why your forces have fallen so easily? Because YOUR GOD IS WEAK" I rolled a twenty, one of the knights killed himself and the other actually joined Aegis

Nasgar, a bellicose ranger, after watching two clerics create a few giant waves of holy water (rogue wave + bless) that destroyed most of the mook undead army. "Well thats...just...cheating..."

SmartAlec
2009-10-23, 11:48 PM
Party wizard tends to intoduce himself as 'such-and-such, wizard, alchemist and scholar'.

NPC: "Alchemist? You can turn lead into gold?"
Wizard: "Yes. Through an arcane process I call 'selling the lead'."

Loxagn
2009-10-24, 12:17 AM
Dragonborn Sorceress NPC: I could show you things that would break your mind, half-elf!
Rem: Doubtful; I dated a succubus once. You doing anything later?
(Rem gets blasted in the face with something involving fire. Can't be bothered to remember exactly what it was.)
Rem, on the ground with severely singed self: Kinky...

Leader of a (comparatively) high-level group of bandits: We have you surrounded! Give us your possessions and you may leave unharmed!
Party Rogue: Like Hell! Go f**k yerselves, damn crooks! (Yes, the irony.)
Rem: Lanar. Stop offending them. I'll handle this. Attention Bandits! I have a counter-proposal! Give me your women and you may leave unharmed!
(Crit failed my diplomacy roll. In a moment of panic as they drew weapons:)
Rem: Um... Uh... Look! An Ancient Black Dragon!
Leader: There's nothing there, you fool. Kill him.
Rem: I have True Sight! It's an invisible Ancient Black Dragon!
(I rolled a nat 20 on that bluff check, with a +20-something bonus. They spent a round granting combat advantage to us and shooting at open air. We wiped them out.)

Mr DP
2009-10-24, 02:10 AM
At least we are not naked, in the snow, bathing ourselves in beer.

Mr DP
2009-10-24, 02:11 AM
After a friendly NPC hit a foe with a spell stored hold person and we needed to interogate the foe.

"Can you un-hit him?"

Mr DP
2009-10-24, 02:13 AM
"We should just take their boat, it's much better than ours."
"We don't have a boat."
"That's why theirs is better."

Mr DP
2009-10-24, 02:18 AM
sadly i do mean golems. the other would have been too epic for us to handle.

To be specific they were autonomous Shield Guardians. Remember the Fast Healing?

Shademan
2009-10-24, 05:26 AM
greenfolk barbarian morgacht trying to intimidate a enemy soldier we had captured, the folowing line was not shouted but whispered softly in the prisoners ear:

"I wanna do...STUFF...with your insides"

naural 20

Slurpee Addict
2009-10-24, 11:43 PM
To be specific they were autonomous Shield Guardians. Remember the Fast Healing?

yes you're right. i do remember that.

Revanmal
2009-10-24, 11:54 PM
"I'd love to continue our witty repartee, friend, but if I wanted a verbal spar I'd find a more worthy opponent. Such as a broom, or a piece of string." -- Rabanastre Banes, "the Bard Extraordinaire" during his fight with a barbarian whose dialog consisted mostly of "SMASH" and "HUNGRY".

gdiddy
2009-10-25, 12:27 AM
"I love you!"

~Our party sorceress, Fiona Falhurst, while murdering her lover mid-coitus. She was quite mad.

Krazddndfreek
2009-10-25, 01:38 AM
"Is it too late to change his name to 'Piñata'?"

-Varsuvius

Slurpee Addict
2010-09-07, 12:02 PM
"What kind of vile, {Scrubbed} is this."
~from the party's monk upon meating the BBEC a Drow Cleric/Sorcerer of Lloth summoning swarms of spiders.

Ormagoden
2010-09-07, 12:25 PM
"They seem...fishy..." Agothar to Deledhel in the middle of negotiations with Sahuagin.


God that one was good!

Vaynor
2010-09-07, 01:56 PM
The Red Towel: Thread necromancy.