3.5 Humorous Game, IC

[Altaria87]

Setting Stuff:
The Conetinent of Phandera is a geographically diverse one. A great desert lies to the East, with mountains splitting it from the southern wastelands, a huge swamp lies in the Northwest, with a muge mountian range discecting it, with more wastelands just south of it. In the centre of the Continent are the Great Plains, with the three great Lakes and the Elven Forest lying in the centre, a few mountain ranges go across the plains and there are a couple of swampy regions.
In the central plains is where most of the civilised people live, in the bustling cities of the nation of Beschaving with the people of the Uomini Fiume colonising the lands surrounding the lakes. The Elves in the Forest are in a constant civil war between the Houtvesters and the Folha. The Wastelands in the North and South are home to many nomadic tribes, many with Kobold and Lizardfolk relations. The Mountains are home to many groups of Dwarves and Nashorns (Rhino people) with the greatest power being the Gebirgsschutz Alliance of the Northern Mountains. The Northwest Swamps are the homeplace of Gnomes and Caosfreza (Viking-type dudes), some of the Gnomes simply live in seclusion, but many join the war-loving Caosfreza in raiding the Central Plains. Finally the Eastern Desert is another vast load of tribes, the two most prominent being the Burgundi, led by Orcs and Tieflings and the Sarmatians, led by Sholgons (an offshot of Humans) and Aasimar.
Characters:
Krunk (http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=169592%22)
Gronk (http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=169376%22)
Valarka (http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=168900)
Bobo (http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=169857)
IC:
On a dark, dark night, in the dark, dark city of Exmoor, in southern Beschaving, in a dark, dark tavern, in a dark, dark corner, in a dark, dark chair, drinking a cup of dark, dark cofee sits a man in a dark, dark robe but with his face in full view. The Tavern regulars know him as a powerful Necromancer, nineteenth level in the local university in fact, who would scout for aspiring adventurers and give them contracts. And a very strange group of people had just entered the building...
OOC:
Post your introductions here, any OOC chatter can happen in this thread.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

Typical, muses the youngish half-orc, as he surveys the tavern. But useful. "Oi!" he shouts at the barkeep, "I'll have an ale. And keep 'em coming."

He reaches into his pack, which looks remarkably like a school bookbag, and pulls out a brown cylinder, which he places to his mouth as he snaps the fingers on his free hand. The end outside of his mouth begins to smolder, and in a few seconds, Gronk is breathing smoke rings into the air.

Between the surroundings and his rather... unusual... companions, he says under his breath, "probably not a good idea, right before graduation, to have started that rumor about Frizelda from placement services..." His voice trails off in a mutter.

OOC: Gronk casts light my fire to light the cigar from his pack.

Did you give any thought to the idiosyncrasies link (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=57241) I had posted in recruitment? They seem to fit a light-hearted campaign.

[whoiam]

Valarka

Further along the bar, Valarka was busy earning her food for the night. That was pretty easy for a dog. She'd targeted a young couple who smelled like they were courting, and just sort of wandered over their way, looking adorable.

It was a simple enough approach: The male, wanting to impress the female with his love for all things small and furry, would slip something meaty down to the adorable doggy.

Demeaning? Yes. But a sausage was a sausage.

Talking dogs in 'civilization' didn't last too long: Too many accusations of witchcraft (which she wasn't) or druidery (which she was). She kept an eye on the half-orc, though. He had a habit of eating lots of meat (messily) which always left a lot around to supplement her own diet.

As any dog would tell you, the root of friendship was food...

[MenhirRocksolid]

Sitting somewhat alone at the bar, a somewhat depressed looking teddy bear was looking into his almost empty glass. Bobo clearly needed a hug, or a fight, or a clue, anything would really do, but instead all Bobo had was what remained of his mead.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

Gronk spies an empty table, sits down, and pulls a copy of Adventuring for DummiesTM (subtitled: "What Your Sigil Prep Instructors Should Have Taught You") from his pack. He scans the book index, and flips to a chapter headed "Taverns", the beginning of which reads:


As cliche as it seems, when new to an area, the tavern is the junior adventurer's best bet for finding work. Most of this is due to simple logic, after all, the local tavern is the best place to meet a cross-section of people, and provides a little anonymity to boot.

There are, of course, still risks, including confidence tricksters (see page 44), bar fights (see page 48), pick-pockets (see general tips in Chapter 1), and worst of all, low-quality food and drink.

If no one minds, I'm thinking of using Adventuring for DummiesTM as a sort of running gag, along the lines of the interludes from the actual Guide in the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy series... of course, everyone else is invited to produce similar "passages"...

[Archangelat]

Krunk

Creeek. Crash! Smash!

The usual hubub of the tavern was suddenly silenced by the explosion of the West tavern wall. Admist the giant gaping hole, stood the 7 foot golem.

"Burrrp!"

The crude sound was the herald to the brief jet of fire that spewed out from the gaping pungent maw of Krunk.

(All those within 5ft. cone need to make DC 10 Ref save for 1/2 damage of 6d6 fire damage.)

Smiling afterwards with pride, Krunk staggered through the debris and waved cheefully. As he walked past the tables towards the bar, an odor as foul as the sewers of hell emanated from him and danced across the room. The stench was so thick that an observor can almost see it.

(All those within 10ft. must make DC 15 fort save every 2 hrs. or be nauseated for 5 minutes/10rnds.)

Spotting the dog on the ground, Krunk haphazardly dropped his mightly steel gourd onto a chair, which from then on will only be used as firewood timbers, and rushed towards it.

"Doggie, fun!"

(Charge towards Valarka to hug it. Let me know what rolls you want me to make, i.e. bullrush, grapple, etc...)

[Altaria87]

OOC: A grapple check will suffice, Valarka make an opposed Grapple check.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

Gronk quickly glances back down at his book. Nope, nothing in here about 7-foot tall... whatevers... crashing through the walls. Guess I'll have to improvise, he sighs as he slips the book back into his bag and stands up.


Readied action to cast slimeball in case Krunk attempts to come his way.

[Altaria87]

Meanwhile, everyone in the tavern look aorund and see the thing that had just entered, many are sick at the stench, the barman picks up a crossbow from behind the bar, and the Necromancer in the corner raises his head a bit.
Note: Everyone must make a DC15 Fort Save to avoid being nauseated

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

The stench was nasty, but unlike many of the tavern patrons, Gronk seems unaffected by it other than general offense.

[roll0]

Spell still readied...

[whoiam]

Valarka, wisely, decided not to make an attack of opportunity against the onrushing Golem. She didn't have *that* many teeth she felt like losing. Instead, she went for the safer option: Run!


[roll0]
[roll1]

[Archangelat]

(What is the command to roll again? I tried 1d20+20 but that didn't work).

[whoiam]

OOC: [roll0] appears to be correct.

[Archangelat]

OOC: [roll0] appears to be correct.

OOC: Hm...maybe it's due to the blocks on my work computer then. Hm...guess the dog is going to be going for a trip :).

Krunk

"Yay doggie! Super doggie go fwoosh!" jumped Krunk up and down in joy as he tossed the furry creature towards the bartender.

"Catch fat man!"

[Altaria87]

The Barman's crossbow flies out of his hand as he grabs Valarka, as the rest of the Patrons, including Bobo and Gronk look on in awe, until a certain black robed figure flew over the Golem's head.
"You dare disturb the peace of the humble tavern!? Give me three valid reasons why I shouldn't just make you explode right now, binger boy."

[Archangelat]

Krunk

Having had his fill of playing with the dog, Krunk looked over at the new creature. Not really understanding what all those big words meant, Krunk decided that the new person was just very boring.

Luckly for Krunk, he learned from his good old pop pop how to make boring people fun. Lumbering back over to his gourd, Krunk half lifted the gourd while leaning on a nearby table.

"You drink fun juice with Krunk?" asked the golemn with an innocent grin right before the table collapsed under his weight.

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo leaps of his chair and seems to be concentrating very hard for a moment
Fort Save:[roll0]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Control shape: Assume Hybrid form [roll0]
The teddy bear seems to be changing into a hybrid brown bear, overall it can however be said that very little seems to have changed.

[Duke of URL]

(What is the command to roll again? I tried [roll0] but that didn't work).

You can't edit in a roll, even after you've previewed a post. You need to post the roll, and then go back and edit the post for formatting, etc.

[Archangelat]

You can't edit in a roll, even after you've previewed a post. You need to post the roll, and then go back and edit the post for formatting, etc.

(I was not editing a roll, just trying to post one but it seems my work computer prevents that for some reason, shrug.)

[whoiam]

For a brief moment, the barman was treated to a face full of fur. Then Valarka's paws managed to find purchase against his shoulder and she was off and running - Barman, Bar Counter, Floor, The Underside of the Mysterious Magical Stranger's Table. While a normal dog would have cowered under a table far away or tried to run out the door, Valarka instead looked for whoever considered themselves strong enough to stand up to the golem, and used them as cover.

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo studies the golem for a second, looking for possible exhaust pipes from which the smelly being was emitting his stench.

[Altaria87]

Ok, everyone make a spot check

[whoiam]

Spot Check: [roll0]

[Archangelat]

Spot check: [roll0]

[Duke of URL]

Spot, huh? Well, here's hopin'... [roll0]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Spot: [roll0]

Still need to roll for HP: 10 + [roll1] + [roll2] + [roll3] + 9*con

[Altaria87]

Valarka and Krunk see a string suspending the black robed man

[Archangelat]

Valarka and Krunk see a string suspending the black robed man

(I hope you don't intend for Krunk to try and figure out anything with 6 Int.)

[Altaria87]

(to be honest I wasn't expecting only the dog and a stupid Golem to see it)

[Duke of URL]

(to be honest I wasn't expecting only the dog and a stupid Golem to see it)

(( Gronk has a negative WIS modifier and no ranks in spot. He can't see the hand in front of his face unless he takes 20. ))

[Altaria87]

(Oh well, hopefully Valarka will let one of the other two know...)

[whoiam]

OOC: Just out of curiosity here (and not at all because I'm thinking of throwing fire at the rope), what's a rope's AC like?

[Altaria87]

OOC: Nothing you shouldn't be able to hit with a middle-high roll

[whoiam]

Safely under the table, casting the druid spell 'Produce Flame' to produce flames by Valarka's right forepaw. Throwing the first one at the man in black's rope:
[roll0]
[roll1]

Regardless of whether or not it hits, she dismisses the spell afterwards and spends some time being very thankful that dogs don't have an audible laugh instinct.

[Altaria87]

Suddenly, a fire starts just above the man everyone thought was a Necromancer's robe, burning a rope that suspended him and his robes. After he stamps them out, you see he is wearing nothing but flowery underwear.
"How dare you humiliate me, Andor the Great, you shall die whoever did this! DISINTEGRATE!"
However, nothing happens when the man points his finger at the table. The entire tavern is silent.

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo looks around confused, and grows a pair of tentacles to scratch himself on the forehead.

[Archangelat]

Krunk

Not having received an answer for his proffered drink, Krunk decides to take a swig himself from the gourd. Wiping the splatter from his mouth, Krunk mistook the gestures and words of the boring man.

Usually, when his dad or the others in the village pointed to some object in a loud yelling manner, it meant they wanted Krunk to bring the item over. Seeing how the man seemed to be a bit mad, Krunk decided to follow his normal instincts and walked over to pick up the table.

"I got it, I got it! Where put wood disc?" asked Krunk.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

Bar fight. Now this is something familiar... Gronk still wasn't sure whether to prepare to fight for his life or to just fall down laughing at the spectacle.

"Come now, let's all just have a drink. If we're going to go around disintegrating each other, we should at least be drunk enough to blame it on the booze."

[Altaria87]

A silence follows as Gronk's words fall on attentive ears, people slowly start to walk over to the bar, giving the Golem and the 'Wizard' a wide berth, one almost sits on Bobo, sees the Tentacle and screams, drawing a knife and taking a swing:
[roll0]
[roll1]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo bitchslaps the assailant with his two tentacles without really changing his focus on Krunk and the flower power wizard.

2 Subdual slaps:
Slap 1:[roll0], damage: [roll1]
Slap 1:[roll2], damage: [roll3]

[Altaria87]

The man falls over, dead, everyone nearby conspires to also give the strange teddy a wide berth.

[MenhirRocksolid]

[ooc: pssst... subdual... not dead, just a really bad headache, when he eventually wakes up tomorrow]

[whoiam]

Meanwhile, Valarka takes the cover of the golem's actions to saunter off to hide under someone else's table. No sense in wasting a perfectly good diversion.

Maybe she should try summoning an insect plague next...

[Altaria87]

[ooc: pssst... subdual... not dead, just a really bad headache, when he eventually wakes up tomorrow]

Oops, didn't see that, oh well, everyone else thinks he's dead :smalltongue:

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

The half-orc sizes up the killer teddy bear. Impressive.

He then looks over at the "necromancer" and his nothing-but-skivvies remaining outfit. "Well, I'd suggest going through his pockets at this point, but it's kind of pointless, don't you think?"

[Altaria87]

As the Tavern stays still, a few people sipping their drinks, as the Necromancer looks bemusedly at the table being handed to him, Gronk wonders about the possibilities of looting, Bobo sits quietly and Valarka stays under her table, the ice is broken by three heavily-armoured people and a robed person walking through the hole in the wall.
"We are the City Watch, and everyone in this Tavern is under arrest until further evidence of what happened arises."
One of the commoners in the Tavern speaks up:
"That Golem crushed the wall, that half-naked guy was causing a disturbance, this Teddy killed my friend and this Half-Orc is talking about stealing people's belongings."
The barman also speaks:
"And that Dog under one of the Tables caused a fire!"
"Well, I'm not sure about it, but you five are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. Knock 'em out boys."
Init.:
Leader: [roll0]
Guard: [roll1]
Cleric Guard: [roll2]
Wizard Guard: [roll3]
Andor: [roll4]
Yeah, roll Init.

[whoiam]

[roll0]
What is a doggy to do when the law comes calling? Simple. Saunter out from under your table, wag your tail, bark twice and walk over to your 'owner' - she didn't have one, but she walked over to the Half-Orc in an attempt to pass him off as one - as though the shouting had disturbed you and you were seeking reassurance from a familiar scent.

After all, it's not as though the guards were going to stick a spear into a poor, defenseless doggy, was it?

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"It's times like this that really make me wish I'd studied harder. Or at all, even."

If he gets a chance before being pummeled into submission, he puts up a protective spell.


[roll0]

Cast greater mage armor (defensively)

[Archangelat]

Krunk

Clang, clang, clang.

Seeing the new arrivals, Krunk clapped his hands in glee.

"New friends! Want fun juice?" asked Krunk as he walked over towards the guards with his gourd in hand. As he approaches the guards, dismal looks crosses the guards' faces as the ordor of Krunks wafts over to assault their olfactory senses.

The horrid stench was further accompanied by the wonderful announcement of Krunk's oral flatulence.

(I can't roll on my work computer so if the DM would be so kind as to roll for me. I have +2 to the Int roll.

Also guards might need to roll DC 15 Fort Save against Nauseating Odor and a DC 10 Ref Save for half of burp fire damage of 6d6 if they are within 5 feet of Krunk.)

[MenhirRocksolid]

Init: [roll0]

So, what does a teddy bear do when he's being prosecuted by the law for a crime he did not commit? Run like some pancy renegade guy or kick the snot out of those that dare call themselves the law? Stay tuned for more exciting episodes of Bobo the bear.

waiting for what the cleric guard and Andor are going to do, then I'll post my actions

[Altaria87]

First of all, Krunk got a 14 on init.
The Cleric Guard steps back away from the party and shouts a quick "Get out of the way civilians!" before sending a huge column of fire from just below the roof down to in between where Krunk and Andor are standing.
Krunk, make a DC19 Reflex save to take half of [roll0] half fire, half divine damage.
(Andor's Reflex Save: [roll1])

Andor looks at the guards and shouts, panicked: "NO, IT WASN'T ME!" before pointing his finger at the 'dead' man and shouting "Animate Dead!". Of course nothing happens.

[Altaria87]

*remembers Krunk can't roll*
[roll0]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo flies of his chair (literally, --> airstep sandals) and pounces the wizard in the face before his magics would hurt even more people yelling: Bobo not bow for police brutality!

I've got 10 ft reach, so even if the wizard is standing behind one of the other guards, he's still mine. Use a swift action to activate bracers of lightning. All my damage except the lightning damage will be subdual and will have the Force descriptor (just for kicks and special sound effects)

Headbutt: Attack [roll0] Damage: [roll1]+[roll2]
Claw 1: Attack [roll3] Damage: [roll4]+[roll5]
Claw 2: Attack [roll6] Damage: [roll7]+[roll8]
Tentacle 1: Attack [roll9] Damage: [roll10]+[roll11]
Tentacle 2: Attack [roll12] Damage: [roll13]+[roll14]
Bite: Attack [roll15] Damage: [roll16]+[roll17]
Rake 1: Attack [roll18] Damage: [roll19]+[roll20]
Rake 2: Attack [roll21] Damage: [roll22]+[roll23]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Possible crit on the bite, if it hits, add the damage as rolled here:
Bite: Attack [roll0] Damage: [roll1]+[roll2]

[Duke of URL]

(( I'm going to possibly change Gronk's action based on what happens by the time we finally get to that point in the init order, due to his abyssmal roll. )

[Archangelat]

(Did all the guards make the save against the BO? Also did any take damage from the burp?)

[Altaria87]

(Did all the guards make the save against the BO? Also did any take damage from the burp?)
Since you hdn't moved closer to them at the point I posted, I don't know, I'll do the next update tonight

[Altaria87]

First of all, the Wizard falls over, unconscious and very badly frazzled by the lightning.
As the leader of the guards turns around to see his comrade fallen he is attacked by a sickening odour:
Saves:
Leader (Fort): [roll0]
Leader (Ref): [roll1]
Guard (Fort): [roll2]
Guard (Ref): [roll3]
Cleric (Fort, No Ref as he is out of Reach): [roll4]
Fire Damage: [roll5]

The Guard who isn't the leader rushes forward and attempts to grapple Gronk to the ground:
Touch Attack: [roll6]
(if it works, go on to next bit)
Grapple Check: [roll7]
(make an opposed grapple check, if it fails, take [roll8] nonlethal damage and you're grappled)
[[If he ended up fialing his Fort. he simply moves towards his Cleric Friend)

The Leader of the Town Watch Party makes a five foot step towards Krunk with a Longsword drawn while shouting to his comrades "Remember only aim to kill while they're healthy, once they're weak, knock 'em out.":
Attack: [roll9]
Damage: [roll10]

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

[roll0]

((In retrospect, rolling was pointless as I couldn't beat a 30.))

"Oof! Hey, get off me.. you some kind of pervert?"


Casts dimension strip (defensively, Will DC 20) against his attacker:

Dimension Strip
Conjuration (Teleportation)
Level: Brd 2, Party 2, Sor/Wiz 2, Wu Jen 2
Components: V
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Target: One creature
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: Will negates
Spell Resistance: Yes

Of all the teleportation spells in the multiverse, dimension strip is the single most used one on Sigil Prep’s campus. If the target fails its save, then all of its clothing, armor, and items are teleported 10 ft. away from them in a randomly chosen direction, leaving them rather naked. It’s always advisable to cast protection from women before using this spell.

[Altaria87]

[[Valarka is up, after that we'll see what happened]]

[whoiam]

Valarka
Tough choice. Come to the aid of her 'owner' in a way that might actually earn her an injury? Or sit back and risk having her cover blown?

Now, there's a lot a dog's willing to go through for the sake of their pack. Valarka was no exception here. She was just lucky she didn't consider Gronk to be a packmate. Apathy it was, then!

But it had to be a good looking apathy, or else the guards might actually believe she was intelligent. And a good sounding one. So she starts growling, and circles around the grapple. If she gets a decent clearing, she'll bite the guardsman's leg - not hard, mind you, she doesn't want to become a target herself, but hard enough to grab on, make it look as though she's valiantly protecting the half-orc.

Prepared action: Grapple the soldier's leg if he doesn't watch her as she circles around him

OOC: I didn't notice you were all waiting for me... :smallredface:

[MenhirRocksolid]

OOC: Yeah, bad doggie :smalltongue:

[Duke of URL]

I was reading up on the grapple rules for another purpose, and I realize that I need to make a concentration check for Gronk to cast his spell -- casting defensively just won't cut it.

[roll0] vs DC 22 (20 + spell level) to avoid losing the spell.

Edit: crap.

[Altaria87]

Nothing really happens, Gronk fails to cast his spell, Valarka bites the Grappling Guard's leg but no-one notices, the Leader's sword fails to damage Krunk.
---
Round 2:
The cleric, who is now feeling quite ill says a quick "Sorry, I can't fight any longer!" and begins to exit the Tavern.
Andor has managed to find a wooden beam, and lifts it up after a bit of effort, preparing to use it as an improvised quaterstaff.

Guess Bobo is up

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo charges the fleeing cleric: Bobo not like people who make fire in buildings on purpose!

Claw attack: [roll0] Damage: [roll1] + [roll2]
Starts a grapple if the claw attack hits: Grapple roll: [roll3]

Rake attacks if grapple succeeds:
Rake 1: [roll4] Damage: [roll5] + [roll6]
Rake 2: [roll7] Damage: [roll8] + [roll9]

Substract 5 damage from each rake attack btw (1/2 str only).

Uses his swift action to activate bracers again, does subdual damage again, and flies next to (and slightly above) the cleric

[Altaria87]

Cleric Grapple Check:
[roll0]
(If you haven't already guessed, all Guards have Improved Grapple)
Oh yeah, Krunk is up as well.

[Duke of URL]

*pokes thread for signs of life*

[whoiam]

OOC: Thought it was Krunk's turn?

IC:
Valarka's really all show here. She's growling around her mouthful of leg and looking as though she's trying to pull the assailant away from the sorcerer, but as before... No loyalty (yet), no real effort (yet).

[Altaria87]

OOC: I wonder where Krunk's player is, I'll give him 'till tomorrow night and then I'll skip over him. It would have been today, but I was busy, revision and stuff

[MenhirRocksolid]

OOC: Robot controller probably got drunk and is now lying somewhere in the gutter sleeping it off :smallwink:

[Altaria87]

Cleric's Grapple Check:

The Guard grappling Gronk hits him with a Short Sword
[roll1] for [roll]1d6+2 Damage
The Leader sees the apparent disadvantage his force is at and says out loud.
"I'm going to have to use Lethal Force now."
He then draws a Bastard Sword that is pulsing with energy and attacks Krunk:
[roll2] for [roll3] plus [roll4] Lightning damage

Valarka and Gronk are up.

[Altaria87]

[roll0]
(failed at rolling last post)

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"Hey! Cut it out! That hurts!!!" Having no realistic chance to outwrestle his assailant, Gronk tries his spell again to undo some of the odds stacked against him.

[roll0] vs. DC 22 to cast dimensional strip.

Edit: *bangs head into table, repeatedly*

[Altaria87]

Ouch that's... quite unlikely...
*waits for Valarka*

[Duke of URL]

(( It's the only useful non-Somatic spell I've got. Oh well, 6 more tries without using higher level slots... I'll by KO'd by then anyway, it seems. ))

[whoiam]

OOC: Assume Valarka does nothing of consequence. Unless one of the guards attacks her directly, she's not putting herself out for the strangers.

[Altaria87]

(Presuming Krunk stalling until his player posts)
The guard grappling Gronk sees the danger of the Half-Orc beneath him attempting to cast a spell, and tries to hit him harder this time:
[roll0] for [roll1]
The Leader of the Guard sees his cleric ally being grappled by the.. flying teddy bear... and attempts to hit said bear with a large amount of force.
[roll2] for [roll3] plus [roll4] Lightning damage.

[MenhirRocksolid]

The leader misses Bobo, and if the cleric tries anything funny, here's the AOO on his holy behind:

Claw attack: Damage: [roll]1d8+10) + 1d6)
Starts a grapple if the claw attack hits: Grapple roll:

Rake attacks if grapple succeeds:
Rake 1: [roll]1d20+18) Damage: 1d8+5) + 1d6)
Rake 2: 1d20+18) Damage: 1d8+5) + 1d6)

Edit: crap, well I'll reroll the rolls that went wrong once the cleric does his things.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"This is really not funny. Cut it out!" the half-orc tries to say, although most of it is muffled by the stranglehold and various yelps from the cuts he is suffering. Once more he tries to focus hard enough to manage a spell.

(( 1d20+15 vs DC 22 to cast dimensional strip (Will DC 20 negates). Again. ))

[Duke of URL]

(( Messed up the roll... trying again. ))

[roll0]

Edit: Hooray!!!

[whoiam]

OOC: Mind filling me in on what Dimensional Strip does?

[Duke of URL]

About 80-90% of Gronk's spell list comes from Magic of Sigil Prep homebrew:
(http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51644)

Dimension Strip
Conjuration (Teleportation)
Level: Brd 2, Party 2, Sor/Wiz 2, Wu Jen 2
Components: V
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Target: One creature
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: Will negates
Spell Resistance: Yes

Of all the teleportation spells in the multiverse, dimension strip is the single most used one on Sigil Prep’s campus. If the target fails its save, then all of its clothing, armor, and items are teleported 10 ft. away from them in a randomly chosen direction, leaving them rather naked. It’s always advisable to cast protection from women before using this spell.

Edit: Now, I'll admit that it actually might be overpowered as a 2nd-level spell, but on the whole Gronk is rather un-optimized. The only reason he's going with this spell right now is that it's the only even marginally effective spell he has without a somatic component. Well, that and the humor value.

[whoiam]

Readied Action:
If Gronk's target fails his will save versus Dimensional Strip, Valarka will release the guardsman's leg, preferring instead to go for the traditional doggy tactic of sticking her nose where a human least wants a dog's pointy bits - between his legs. One prod of the wet nose on the wedding tackle to warn him he's got company, one swift bark, and one sustained growl...

...True, she's not normally very good at intimidation, being small and fluffy, but most men pay special attention to anything with sharp teeth inches from their gentleman's area...

OOC: When in doubt, offer to bite someone's unprotected balls off;)

[Duke of URL]

OOC: When in doubt, offer to bite someone's unprotected balls off;)

Just a little too crude to be sig worthy...

[Altaria87]

Guard's Will Save:
[roll0]
(update will come a bit later)

And thus the Guard was left Naked :smallamused:

[Altaria87]

As Gronk casts his spell, the guard grappling him makes a puzzled face.
"What's a 'Dimension Strip'? I've never heard of one bef- WHAT THE ****!!!
Everyone in the bar suddenly look at each other in amusement, while the Guard immediately gets off the top of Gronk and runs to collect his clothing, holding it in front of his private areas, he doesn't even notice Valarka in his embarrasment.
"Screw this, Boss, let's get out of here."
The Captain then looks at him, having just stumbled after his missing the flying teddy bear.
"I guess these people are way out of our league... Ok, you people. I'll issue an ultimatum- we'll stop this fight andwon't prosecute you. If you promise to just leave this town. If you refuse, the entire Watch will be here soon."
He turns to Bobo
"And can you please unhand our Cleric, he was only trying to get out of here."

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"Now let's be reasonable. All I came in here for was some ale and maybe a chance to find some work. You and your men attacked me, unprovoked, and even then I refrained from unleashing the full force of my powers, settling for simply public embarrassment of your mook and his... erm... 'short sword'."

"As you can see by my degree in inter-planar law," the half-orc pulls out a piece of blank parchment and uses psychic paper to suggest that it is a prestigious law diploma (Will DC 19), "that I am perfectly capable of turning your 'prosecution' right around into a case of police brutality." ([roll0], for the heck of it.)

"Since you're amenable to negotiation, I suggest that you have your heal-bot chuck a cure spell or two at me to undo the damage done to me by Constable Tiny over there and let me get back to my ale in peace, and I'll let the matter drop."

[Altaria87]

"Come now, thanks to that smelly... thing you have with you, our Cleric can barely even talk, never mind cast a spell.
Besides. I have it on good authority- my good barman friend."
The barman smiles at you.
"That you were conspiring in an attempt of theft. Plus it appears to be your dog that somehow caused a non-lawful fire (when my Cleric does it, it's in the name of the law you see.)"

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"Well, frankly, I don't want to be in a town where a simple joke turns into an unwarranted assault on my person. Racial prejudice against half-orcs, I'm betting. Anyway, I'm going to finish my ale, and then I'll gladly leave. I suggest that you don't stick around and wait, unless you want your own 'shortcomings' exposed for the entertainment of the patrons here."

[whoiam]

Valarka

The problem with pretending you were just a normal dog was... well, you couldn't sit there looking engrossed in people-talk. You had to do something doggy, or they might get suspicious. Which was why, one internal sigh later, Valarka was curled into a ball, licking the upper part of one of her hind legs clean.

Obviously summoning water would be far too obvious...

[Altaria87]

"Ok then, you have 15 minutes to leave town. And your little dog too. That goes for you three as well, Mr. Teddy Bear, Big Smelly thingy and Captain Underpants."
------------------------------------
You all finish your business within 2 minutes, so you have 13 minutes left to leave town and the four of you, along with Andor, now with a new black robe on, exit the bar. Then Andor says.
"Hmm... You know what I'd like right now... some cake. Minor Creation.
Nothing happens.
"...Dang, it usualy works" You see his eyes shift in their sockets.

You all also suddenly feel an urge for cake. Just outside the Town Gates there is a strong smell of cake coming from a house...

[[I really hope none of you have seen this 'quest' before...]]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo retracts his tentacles, puts down his cleric toy and walks up to the Half-Orc. Bobo not care you be half-human, that not your fault be. Bobo think you need a hug so you do not feel discrimated anymore. Bobo grabs the sorcerer between his paws (dont even trey to resist :smallwink:) and lifts the half-orc up a little bit and gives him a hug, which at first seems to be rather uncomfortable, but then seems to work wonders on all the painful bruisings and cuts.

Gronk is healed 12 HP

[whoiam]

Valarka
Valarka eventually uncurled and sauntered out in Gronk's wake. They'd made it most of the way to the edge of the town before 'their' newest member appeared to have accidentally summoned cake to entirely the wrong location.

This, finally, is where her self-control failed her, and she spoke. "Whatever you do, don't try and magic me up a collar. I'd probably end up manacled by my own intestines... well, by someone's intestines at any rate." There's a slight pause. "I wonder if there's a butcher's shop somewhere nearby..." Sniff, Sniff. All this talk of intestines was making her hungry.

Awakened or no, she was still a carnivore.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

The tentacles pour healing energy into the sorcerer. Ok... that was... strange. "Thanks, that did the trick."

The smell of cake wafts by. "Well... that's convenient. Lemme guess, you want to go inside, right?"

[MenhirRocksolid]

Maybe they have honeycake inside too!

[Altaria87]

Andor opens the door, and you all walk in, except Krunk- he doesn't fit.
Inside you see an Orc, holding a Greataxe and looking generally menacing, next to him on a small stool is a three-tiered cake.

OOC: By the way, you all got 1000 Exp. from the bar fight.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

[roll0] "Ah, good. The cake we've been sent to pick up is ready. Is there a box, or do we carry it like that?"

[Altaria87]

[Now, that Bluff would have worked if it wasn't for the Orc's IC Knowledge)
"This cake is for Bret's birtday. Bret knows that your cake is a lie."

Roll Initiative:
Orc's: [roll0]
Andor's: [roll1]
Gronk's if Duke of URL is gone: [roll2]

[MenhirRocksolid]

Initiative: [roll0]

[Altaria87]

Is Valarka here to roll Init.?

[whoiam]

OOC: I was up in Birmingham on a friend's Birthday Celebrations.

Initiative Roll: [roll0]

[Altaria87]

[[You were in Birmingham!? I went down to Birmingham myself for 3 days last weekend :smallbiggrin:.]]
Well, looks like it goes:
Bobo (you got a Natural 20 :smallcool:)
Gronk
Andor
Valarka
Orc

[Altaria87]

[[Is everyone out for the new year or something?]]

[whoiam]

OOC: I'm around, but stuck down the bottom of the initiative order

[Duke of URL]

I'm back. Nice init roll, I'll take it. :)

And yes, I'm fully aware the bluff attempt was predicated on actually choosing a believable lie. ;) Still, one does try to talk greataxe-wielding orcs out of violence if one can.

Regardless of what Bobo does, Gronk will chuck a slimeball ([roll0], Fort/Reflex DC 20, [roll1] rounds) at the orc.


Slimeball
Conjuration (Creation)
Level: Brd 2, Sor/Wiz 2, Wu Jen 2 (Water)
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: 60 ft.
Effect: Ball of slime
Duration: Instantaneous, then 1d6 rounds
Saving Throw: See text
Spell Resistance: No

A perennial favorite in the numerous Prank Wars that ravage the dorms of Sigil Prep, the slimeball spell conjures up a sphere of slippery, odorous slime, and then launches it at one unfortunate victim, requiring a ranged touch attack to hit. If the attack is successful, you cover your target in slick slime. Each round, he must make a Reflex save or slip, falling prone. In addition, the slick slime coating his hands makes holding items difficult. When hit by the slimeball, the target must make a Reflex save for each item he is holding, or drop it at his feet. If he tries to pick up an item while covered in slime, he must make another save or drop it. Finally, upon being hit by the slimeball, the target must make a Fortitude save or be overcome by the slime’s stench, becoming nauseated for as long as the slime covers him. After 1d6 rounds, the slime diffuses into nothing more than dirty water. However, as a full round action, the target of this spell can wash himself off with water, which also removes the slime.

Material Component
A flask of dirty water, with a drop of grease mixed in.

[Duke of URL]

*pokes thread looking for signs of life... if none found, I'll loot its pockets and go merrily on my way*

[MenhirRocksolid]

Still here, dont know about the rest. If the orc seems to do anything aggressive towards us Bobo distracts him with his claws and bite and grows a pair of extra long tentacles to take the cake from behind him or where ever he is holding it.

[Altaria87]

... Bobo was first in the initiative order... But he managed to take the cake...
---
As the cake is snatched from the table next to him the Orc shouts:
"hey, that is Bret's cake, give it back!"
---
I presume you all use your actions to move out of the building before he can make a move?

[whoiam]

OOC: Unless the orc comes out of the building, Valarka's going to be spending her turn loitering outside and composing 'I told you so' lectures for her cake-obsessed companions.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk will use a move action to get out of dodge, and keep that slimeball readied in case they're pursued.

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo takes the cake and while moving away thinks about eating it too

[Altaria87]

The four of you manage to escape the house, Krunk appears to have been retconned out of existence once you get there. Andor then looks at you all and says.
"We need to get out of here, Teleport!"
The four of you end up about two metres down the street...
"That... usually works... Ok, Run!"
He then sets of running, almost tripping on his robes. You are about 200 metres away from the town gate.

[whoiam]

Valarka

"You just had to do it, didn't you? Go after the sweet thing? What's wrong with just sticking to something meaty, huh? Plenty of deer and sheep and cows around if you sniff hard enough, but no, you had to go for the cake!"

Nice thing about being a quadrupedal dog: A decent speed advantage over everyone who was not a quadrupedal dog. She wasn't even running flat out and she was still in the lead! It left plenty of breath for berating the others.

"Why not just admit you're kleptomaniacs and try swiping everything you see along the journey? Food here, money there, perhaps grab a wife or two off the altar? Maybe even steal a couple of houses along the way?"

One of the other advantages of being a quadrupedal dog: Unless you really, really want something to be somewhere else, it would never occur to you to move it. You'd feel the same if you had to pick things up with your teeth.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

Well, the local constabulary did want us out of town in a hurry... Not bothering to waste breath arguing with Valarka, the sorcerer simply sprints for the gates, pulling out a sheet of blank parchment in case he needs its help to bluff their way through.

[MenhirRocksolid]

Orcs dont appreciate the beauty of cake like bears do!

[Duke of URL]

Grish

"If you were that hungry, I would have bought you a meal, you know. At this point, I'll settle for getting out of this town before we become the top of the 'most wanted' list."

[Altaria87]

The four of you reach the end of Town, having ran out of the gates to inquisitive looks from the Guards. Andor turns to the three of you.
"Well, there are a few places we can go now. We could go west to Rogueport, controlled by the Mudkipz Mafia. East to New Hull, a slum town but with powerful Wizards, even moreso than me. Or we could go South into the Wastelands and find something to do there."

[whoiam]

Valarka

"Oooh, the wastes! It'll be fun - I can go hunting deer, work my way up to Alpha Female in a wild pack... oh, no, wait, I forgot - *lapdog*, not wolf. Guess we'd better go somewhere with a decent butcher. I suggest rogueport. Powerful wizards and slums is a combination that smacks of inferior catering services."

Plus the humans would probably be fighting me for the leftover bones.

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"Now who's thinking with their stomach?" grins the half-orc. "As for me, one place is as good as another, although the idea of walking into a mafia stronghold is just asking for trouble." Not that this group is likely to not be asking for trouble no matter where we go...

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo

Bobo not like Mafia much, so maybe we go there and take their food too?

[Altaria87]

Andor then says:
"Well then, to Rogueport, Teleport!"
Before anyone can stop him you are all transported to just outside some rusty iron gates, with two bored looking guards stood outside them.
"It actually worked!? I mean, of course it worked, it is well within my capabilities to perform such a spell!"

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"Well, before heading on in, what are we going to do with this cake?"

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo

Bobo suggest maybe eating it?

[Altaria87]

"So, shall we split it between us?"

[Duke of URL]

Gronk

"Cut me off a piece, but if it's all the same to you, I'll wait to see if any of you keel over before eating mine."

[MenhirRocksolid]

Bobo retracts his tentacles and grows himself on cutting knife on his paw and slices the cake in four equal parts. He than returns his paw to normal, grows his jaws to become twice as large and subsequently takes his piece of cake and swallows it whole.

Hmmm... Cake...