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RandomNPC
2009-12-20, 10:17 AM
"You stick your sword in the dragon and the dragon gets killed."
from my three year old son, this morning when my wife started playing dragon age.

"Celebacy is no match for a natural twenty!"
The dread pirate in my game taunting the paladin.

so, what have you guys heard lately?

9mm
2009-12-20, 10:21 AM
...

"It can't be truck proof!"

Rams the terminator with the truck, terminator start climibing onto the hood.

"IT'S TRUCK PROOF!"

Gamerlord
2009-12-20, 10:30 AM
"RUN AWAY! RUN AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAY!"
-Said far too many times by my players when they either

A: Get on my bad side or
B: During April fools or
C: When I decide I want to put them through a meat grinder.

TheCountAlucard
2009-12-20, 11:08 AM
Player: I want my hammer back.
GM: The hammer of Valadur, the hammer you stole from the church of Pelor?
Player: Yeah, that one.

---

Player 1: We go back to the facility.
GM: When you guys make it back, Raiden is waiting for you.
Player 2: Does he have a shadow this time?
GM: Yeah.
Player 1: Great, now we know he's not Queen Dopplepopolis.

---

Player 1: I fly back!
Player 2: Please don't fly naked.

---

GM: You should take a level of paladin, so you can smite B.S.

Rasman
2009-12-20, 04:35 PM
*After having taken a Frost Giant captive and seeing that he's gotten loose*

Monk runs back to the tent where the Wizard is eating his lunch.

"Wizard, the giant may or may not have broken out of his bonds and I may or may not have thrown some of the men off the the bridge. I may or may not need some help killing him."

The Wizard looks up.

"Can I finish my soup first?"

Yukitsu
2009-12-20, 04:58 PM
"Normally, I'd say we shouldn't split the party, but with all of our faffing about, we have 10 days to save the world, stop our favourite gods from dying, and slightly less than 10 days to evacuate the premises when we mess up on the first one. You guys can go save the world, while I go save God, agreed?"

To an oracle: "I recommend you don't try using your divinitory powers to figure out the little girl over here."
"Why not? Hurk!"
"OK, let's go find another oracle."
"I liked that one. She was nice."

Next oracle: "I recommend you don't try using your divinitory powers to figure out the little girl over here. She'd kill you."
"That's not very freindly. Why would she do that?"
"Reflex."

"So, the only person that qualifies for talking to the virginal god of female purity is the horrible evil little girl? And her job is talking, when she only opens her mouth to kill people?"
"Hey, I'll have you know that I researched 3 different versions of wrack as well."

"We'd consider you relevant to the cause, but you're a duck."

*Three necromancers sacrifice 3 people in a dark ritual to save a god of justice and good, making a gigantic uber skeleton, which blows the roof off the building, and flies away.* "This is going to end poorly."

Closak
2009-12-20, 05:08 PM
BBEG: "I have existed for longer than you can imagine. The universe is born and lives for a few billion years only to die and then be reborn again to live another few billion years. I have lived to see this process repeat thousands of times, i am older than the gods, older than the primordials themselves! And through all this time my power has continued to grow, i consume, i grow, i evolve and improve. I have slain overdeities and abominations beyond your ability to comprehend, i have consumed their power and taken it as my own! I have existed for eternity and shall continue to do so, i am eternal, and you are nothing"

Party barbarian: I punch him in the face.

DM: Please tell me you are joking...

Haven
2009-12-20, 05:16 PM
Party barbarian: I punch him in the face.

DM: Please tell me you are joking...

:smallconfused: To me, this sounds like the best possible response.

"The cultists surround you in the dark alley. At knifepoint, they demand 'Are you a believer or an unbeliever!?'"
"Um...I'm not a beaver."

Closak
2009-12-20, 05:25 PM
The problem there was that punching the BBEG did nothing except make him angry, and everyone knew in advance that a direct attack wouldn't work, yet the barbarian decided to start a fisticuffs with the freaking overdeity killing monster that happens to be trillions of years old.

The barbarian was missing a hand after that.
His fist just disintegrated the moment it touched the opponents face.

He didn't learn anything from it though, since he later tried killing an incorporeal undead with a non-magical melee weapon :smallannoyed:

Haven
2009-12-20, 05:27 PM
The problem there was that punching the BBEG did nothing except make him angry, and everyone knew in advance that a direct attack wouldn't work, yet the barbarian decided to start a fisticuffs with the freaking overdeity killing monster that happens to be trillions of years old.

The barbarian was missing a hand after that.
His fist just disintegrated the moment it touched the opponents face.

He didn't learn anything from it though, since he later tried killing an incorporeal undead with a non-magical melee weapon :smallannoyed:

Ah, gotcha.

Heh....okay, the barbarian's :thog:, but that's kind of an awesome way to start off the encounter. Like the Worf Effect up to eleven.

Saph
2009-12-20, 05:37 PM
Male Duskblade: "I break my invisibility and do my once-per-day Quick-Cast True Strike with full Power Attack on the devil."
DM: "Okay, it looks like that might finish it. Roll."
Male Duskblade: *rolls*
Male Duskblade: *silence*
Male Duskblade: "1."
DM: "Too bad."
Female Barbarian: "That's okay. It happens to a lot of guys."
Female Rogue: "I'm sure it doesn't happen to you usually."
Female Barbarian: "Maybe you can try again in a few minutes."
Male Duskblade (to the DM): " . . . DM's turn. Can you do me a favour and kill her, please?"

Druid: "Why are we rescuing these people again?"
Rogue: "Well, we can't just leave them here to die."
Druid: "When you say 'can't', do you mean ethically, or practically? Because I'm pretty sure that if we're talking logistics . . ."
Rogue: "Every living creature has its purpose in the world."
Druid: "Yes, and sometimes that purpose is to get eaten by something higher up on the food chain."

Wizard: "You know, not to brag, but this sort of thing never happens when I teleport us somewhere."
(said immediately after several party members, one animal companion, and an NPC spellcaster had materialised 43 miles above ground level.)

(This last one's not from one of our games, but it's funny enough that it's worth including anyway.)

Wizard: "I could have sworn I correctly translated the sequence for the gems to be inserted into the altar."
Cleric: "Never mind, you did your best, and that's what matters."
Wizard: "But if I hadn't messed up, we would have gotten the chance to retrieve the Rod of Moebeos, and lots more valuable stuff. Now the temple's gone for another hundred years."
Fighter: "Oh, it's not your fault."
Wizard: "Well, thanks for trying to make me feel better."
Fighter: "No, I mean it really isn't your fault. I probably got the gems the wrong way round. Never could tell them apart."
Wizard: "But I told you the order. Topaz, opal, amethyst . . ."
Fighter: ". . . Shiny rock, shiny rock, shiny rock. All I know about gems is that they're worth money. Sorry."
Wizard: ". . ."
Wizard: "Shiny rock . . ."

Psychosis
2009-12-20, 05:44 PM
BBEG: "I have existed for longer than you can imagine. The universe is born and lives for a few billion years only to die and then be reborn again to live another few billion years. I have lived to see this process repeat thousands of times, i am older than the gods, older than the primordials themselves! And through all this time my power has continued to grow, i consume, i grow, i evolve and improve. I have slain overdeities and abominations beyond your ability to comprehend, i have consumed their power and taken it as my own! I have existed for eternity and shall continue to do so, i am eternal, and you are nothing"

Party barbarian: I punch him in the face.

DM: Please tell me you are joking...
On a similar note....

Slaad Lord: Here we are. It seems that, regardless of what I do and in spite of all my efforts, you only exist to further my frustration. That I, who was birthed from the motions of Limbo long before your kind knew it existed, would have to stoop so low as to raise my sword toward such ants is unacceptable. For that is what you are: ants. Ants who are helpless before myself, and before that master of entropy that is time itself. Even if I were to walk away here, and leave you to some petty victory, no single piece of your world would stand immortal. All falls before time, and I myself am merely-

Monk: Roll for initiative.

erikun
2009-12-20, 05:51 PM
My last gaming session involved the words, "Help, I'm being molested by a statue!"

Grumman
2009-12-20, 06:00 PM
Barbarian: "I guess we're looking for an inn that's used to dealing with foreigners."
Halfling rogue: "Right, slave pits it is."

Evil, all-powerful meta-mage: "Hi! We'd like to talk to you about Hextor."


BBEG: "Blah blah die blah blah blah overdeities blah blah"

Slaad Lord: "Blah blah blah sword blah blah entropy blah"
This is why my latest character, a fiend-slaying psycho, does not speak Abyssal or Infernal.

golentan
2009-12-20, 06:00 PM
"KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!"

GM: "The Iron Golem will clear the moat in a moment. What do you do?"
Player: "We strip naked and stuff all of our gear into the bag of holding."
GM: "You're kidding."
Player: "Nope."
GM: "Okay, the golem begins climbing the wall, and prepares to squash you..."
Player: "And I open the extradimensional rift where we stored all the rust monsters yesterday."

starwoof
2009-12-20, 06:04 PM
DM: You enter the room to see the necromancer you've been looking for standing over a fire. "Ah, I see-"
Me: I shoot him.
DM: What? No, deflects your arrow. Wait for him to finish talking. "Ah, I see you've finally managed to reach my domain here-"
Me: I shoot him again.
DM: I already said he deflected your arrow!
Me: Its been six seconds, I shoot him again!
DM: Are you going to try to shoot him once every six seconds?
Me: No, I'm gonna rapid shot this time.

:smallbiggrin:

Krazddndfreek
2009-12-20, 06:11 PM
O my goodness, I am reminded of the one time I decided to DM for my younger brothers. They both played half-dragons. One was an assassin, the other an ubercharger.

Me: The dungeon floor of this room is littered with dead bodies, many filled with arrows. At the other end of the room, you notice that there is a slit in the wall, possibly large enough to fire an arrow through.

Ubercharger: I walk up to the hole and look through it.

Me: Are you sure?

U: I'm positive.

Me: I said it was a fricken arrow slit...

U: I put my eye up to the slit and see if I can see anything.

Me: :smallsigh:

Closak
2009-12-20, 06:12 PM
GM: "The Iron Golem will clear the moat in a moment. What do you do?"
Player: "We strip naked and stuff all of our gear into the bag of holding."
GM: "You're kidding."
Player: "Nope."
GM: "Okay, the golem begins climbing the wall, and prepares to squash you..."
Player: "And I open the extradimensional rift where we stored all the rust monsters yesterday."

*Whistle* Clever.


While we are figthing a Nimmy.

Sorceror: I cast Lightning Bolt at it.
DM: You do remember these things special abilities?
Sorceror: Uhh...Crap
DM: Exactly. The Nimmy absorbs the Lightning Bolt and becomes stronger. It also counter-attacks with a electric shock of it's own. 25d6 electricity damage to everything in a one mile radius.
Cleric: *Glares at Sorceror* YOU IMBECILE!


Homebrewed monster + Evil DM + Incompetent casters = Disaster

golentan
2009-12-20, 06:20 PM
*Whistle* Clever.


While we are figthing a Nimmy.

Sorceror: I cast Lightning Bolt at it.
DM: You do remember these things special abilities?
Sorceror: Uhh...Crap
DM: Exactly. The Nimmy absorbs the Lightning Bolt and becomes stronger. It also counter-attacks with a electric shock of it's own. 25d6 electricity damage to everything in a one mile radius.
Cleric: *Glares at Sorceror* YOU IMBECILE!


Homebrewed monster + Evil DM + Incompetent casters = Disaster

Thank you.

25d6 in a mile? That's not a monster, that's a reusable nuke.

Closak
2009-12-20, 06:24 PM
Well, it is a Collosal monster capable of giving massive electric shocks.

The creature is based on a creature in a TV series actually.

At one point in the series one of the things gives out an electric shock that zaps the whole darn city.
Things actually outright exploded from the electrical overload.

We call it the "Electro-nuke"


More facts about these things.

-They are fireproof.
-They "Eat" Electricity to charge themselves up.
-They look like really oversized lizards, with Electric Eel zapping capabilites cranked up to over 9000.
-Have a irritating habit of getting back up even after being seemingly killed, no vital signs at all and a few minutes later it's back up and killing again. Healing factor much?

TheCountAlucard
2009-12-20, 06:54 PM
@Closak: Essentially, it's an electric Tarrasque?

---

P1: I wanna do something...
P2: ...like fighting the Tarrasque?
ST: Remember, this is Exalted.
P2: She just said she wanted to do something, not be challenged by it.

---

P1: How are we going to keep him from betraying us once the portal is open?
P2: I know! I can use my knowledge of acupuncture to paralyze his legs!
ST: That's a pretty specialized application of it, there's no way you'd know... (watches him roll) ...okay, then, you paralyze his legs!

---

P1: That was a pretty easy fight; you say I have to win two more to be eligible for the martial arts tournament?
ST: Yeah, but you win those ones in a music montage.

herrhauptmann
2009-12-20, 06:55 PM
The evil sorceress witch is busily enacting a ritual which will resurrect her dead mother. At the same time there's a bunch of undead witch coveners standing between us and her.

Me: I shoot the sorceress with my gun, then drop the gun to draw my sword and shield (iron kingdoms game). *roll 20* three times. Dealt 6d10 damage (pretty sure DM had gun crits wrong)
Cleric: Spiritual weapon, attack the sorceress. Crit.
Halfling thief: I tumble past the coveners so I can sneak attack the sorceress while she's flatfooted. Tumble check: 30.
DM: You somersault towards them, then drop down and slide along the ground under one of the witches.
Halfling thief: LIke Skywalker and the Rancor?
DM: Yeah, sorta like that.
Me: Don't look up.
Halfling thief: Shoots soda out of his nose.

Myrmex
2009-12-20, 07:04 PM
BBEG: "I have existed for longer than you can imagine. The universe is born and lives for a few billion years only to die and then be reborn again to live another few billion years. I have lived to see this process repeat thousands of times, i am older than the gods, older than the primordials themselves! And through all this time my power has continued to grow, i consume, i grow, i evolve and improve. I have slain overdeities and abominations beyond your ability to comprehend, i have consumed their power and taken it as my own! I have existed for eternity and shall continue to do so, i am eternal, and you are nothing"

Yet, after being around for all that time, he still sounds like emo d-bag from some anime.

Why do the ancient elder creatures feel the need to do plot expositions? Seriously.

Closak
2009-12-20, 07:06 PM
@Closak: Essentially, it's an electric Tarrasque?


There are a few key differences.

-There are a LOT of them, they breed like rabbits.
-Their healing abilities can be overcome with Cold Damage, Cold also deals double damage. They are just plain sensitive to low temperatures.
-The Tarrasque is kinda stupid. These things have human level intelligence (I would pin the average specimen at Intelligence 11 or so. They also seem to have a very high Wisdom, around 19 i say)
-They tend to attack in packs. Though they occasionally come alone.
-They can live both on land and under water, trying to drown them won't work because they can still breathe underwater.
-The hatchlings are as small as Small in size (But they grow fast, from Small to Collosal in under 5 years)



Yet, after being around for all that time, he still sounds like emo d-bag from some anime.

Why do the ancient elder creatures feel the need to do plot expositions? Seriously.

-Bad social skills.
-He wanted to tell them just exactly what it was they were dealing with so that they would have a chance to back off.
-Not actively malicious towards them, but still extremely dangerous to have around, and he wanted them to know it (But as i said, bad social skills. And a habit of ranting and not knowing when to stop)
-He was bored (And crazy)

BenTheJester
2009-12-20, 07:44 PM
DM: You enter the room to see the necromancer you've been looking for standing over a fire. "Ah, I see-"
Me: I shoot him.
DM: What? No, deflects your arrow. Wait for him to finish talking. "Ah, I see you've finally managed to reach my domain here-"
Me: I shoot him again.
DM: I already said he deflected your arrow!
Me: Its been six seconds, I shoot him again!
DM: Are you going to try to shoot him once every six seconds?
Me: No, I'm gonna rapid shot this time.

:smallbiggrin:

http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr96a.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr96b.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr96c.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr97a.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr97b.jpg

Rasman
2009-12-20, 08:05 PM
*During a feast held my the Ingimundr the Unruly in Land of the Linnorm Kings*

DM: One of Ingimundr's seven sons stands up, yelling, a lot. One of the heralds tells you that he doesn't believe you actually killed the goblins and that if any of you are telling the truth that you will fight him on the spot.

Halfling Rogue: I stand up on the table.

DM: And?

Halfling Rogue: "Let's wrassle"

Choco
2009-12-20, 08:05 PM
Yet, after being around for all that time, he still sounds like emo d-bag from some anime.

Why do the ancient elder creatures feel the need to do plot expositions? Seriously.

I agree... The one time I dm'd an elder creature it literally treated the PC's like the ants they were to him. Looked in their direction when they showed up, saw the ants, decided the ants didn't bother him, then went about his business completely ignoring them. One of them decided he was offended and "bothered" him, which ended with him being swatted like a fly :smallamused:. The rest got the point: do not screw with the elder creature until you actually find a way to fight it.

anyway..

Said right after being bullrushed off of a cliff, falling a couple hundred feet at night.
Sorcerer: *digs through scroll case* "Oh right, well this is inconvenient"
Rogue: "Bet you wish you hadn't sold your Feather Fall scrolls to get the last bit of money you needed for your cloak now."
Sorcerer: "Least I have something fancy for my body to be wrapped in, unlike you."
Rogue: "..."
Sorcerer: "Bet you wish you HAD bought a fancy cloak instead of those oh-so-useful nightvision goggles now."
Rogue: *sighs* "Least I get a good view before I.."
SPLAT

Deth Muncher
2009-12-20, 08:14 PM
This is from the first (and last) time I played a Barbarian. He lasted twenty minutes.

DM:Ok, you jump into the portal and when your vision becomes clear, you see in front of you fifty goblins, behind you is a floating skull surrounded by green flames. Response?

Me:...Rage?

Tyndmyr
2009-12-20, 08:21 PM
"I don't need weapons. I have a Decanter of Endless Butter."

starwoof
2009-12-20, 08:50 PM
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr96a.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr96b.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr96c.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr97a.jpg
http://shamusyoung.mu.nu/images/comic_lotr97b.jpg

Yeah, like that. :smallsmile:

Saintheart
2009-12-20, 11:26 PM
BBEG: "I have existed for longer than you can imagine. The universe is born and lives for a few billion years only to die and then be reborn again to live another few billion years. I have lived to see this process repeat thousands of times, i am older than the gods, older than the primordials themselves! And through all this time my power has continued to grow, i consume, i grow, i evolve and improve. I have slain overdeities and abominations beyond your ability to comprehend, i have consumed their power and taken it as my own! I have existed for eternity and shall continue to do so, i am eternal, and you are nothing"

Party barbarian: I punch him in the face.

DM: Please tell me you are joking...

Because nobody else has said it: Did you just punch out Cthulhu? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DidYouJustPunchOutCthulhu)

Deepblue706
2009-12-20, 11:31 PM
4th Edition:

"I have some of the soup."

"Okay, so according to the rules, I think I technically have to make an attack against you, since it's got something in it."

"..."

"I got a twenty."

"Critical Soup!?"

Flickerdart
2009-12-21, 12:56 AM
4th Edition:

"I have some of the soup."

"Okay, so according to the rules, I think I technically have to make an attack against you, since it's got something in it."

"..."

"I got a twenty."

"Critical Soup!?"
Get your hands on a Decanter of Endless Soup.

absolmorph
2009-12-21, 01:11 AM
3.0 edition.
My paladin was turned into a mouse by a golem. We ended up fighting elf zombies. I also play a sorcerer in the same game.

DM: Okay, so it's Ezlo's (paladin) turn.
Me: I try and turn the zombies. *rolls*
DM: Okay, the zombies are stopped in their tracks. Borc's (sorcerer) turn.
Me: I pull out my dagger and cut off the zombie's head.
DM: Alright, the zombie's head comes off.

And, as a result of undead turning paralyzing the undead (house rule), my sorcerer has done more effective damage in melee than with spells. In fact, he's cast magic missile twice, in killing 10 enemies.

Xzeno
2009-12-21, 01:39 AM
Guard: Stop! You're under arrest!
Sorcerer: The village was made of glass! What did you expect from us?

Guard (different one): What's in the bag?
Sorcerer (same): Assassin vines.
Guard: Looks like an elf.
Sorcerer: Shape-changin' assassin vines.

Both of those situations ended surprisingly well.

Vitruviansquid
2009-12-21, 01:43 AM
Game is Call of Cthulhu, in case you're wondering

Investigators: We pick up the phone and call the police.

(Keeper mimics phone with his hands)

Keeper: "Yeah, hello?"

Investigators: "Is this the police?"

Keeper: "Yeah, you called 911, right?"

Investigators: "We're calling to report a... uhh... we were sitting here with our friend and all of a sudden, he flips out and tries to murder us."

Keeper: "Oh, really? Where are you?"

Investigators: We tell the police the address

Keeper: "Oh, really? I know the guy that lives there. Him and me go way back. Yeah, we'll send a squad car right over."

Investigators: "Oh, cool. Thanks."

Keeper: "Yeah, no problem, have a nice day."

...

Keeper: Yeah, I'm sure that's not how the police take their calls in real life.

Grifthin
2009-12-21, 02:30 AM
"ANYTHING BUT A ONE"

Usually invoked whenever rolling for armor saves, essential hits or wounds. The Bane of wargamers around the world.

DM: As the fighting breaks out the crowd starts running in panic in all directions. You see a woman making a beeline for the sherrif's office.
Kender Rogue: I pick up a half brick and taking careful aim throw it at her head.
DM: WHAT ?!
Paladin: Tries to stop Kender, fails miserably.
NPC Commoner: *TWACK* Hits' the ground with a crushed skull.
Paladin: runs towards her. *lays on hands* "OK - you didn't see anything - the bee's got you ok ? THE BEES!"
NPC Commoner: "what ? bees ? what are you talking about"
Paladin: "Killer Bees, massive killer bees - that's why the people are running"
NPC Commoner" umm, thanks for saving me"
Kender: "nothing like the stopping power of a well aimed half brick"
DM: *face palm*

The_Werebear
2009-12-21, 03:07 AM
During a fight with an Iron Golem- The party had only one weapon that could actually damage it enough to bypass DR. The idea was that they would lead it away and then outrun it.

Them: So, what are the effects of our attacks so far?
Me: Umm... You've chipped its paint and made a few very, very small dents in it. (about 3 points of damage)
Them: Alright, for my next attack I'll-
Me (interrupting): Guys, its hardly hurt at all. You're weapons are doing almost no damage.
Them: Ah, but you've just said we can damage it. Now, it's only a matter of time until we can actually kill it.
Me: :smallannoyed:

They sat there and ground away at it until it died. It took 10 minutes of in game combat.

drengnikrafe
2009-12-21, 04:48 AM
Some of the best ones I've encountered with my PCs...

"I ride the WAVE of riding dogs out!"

*After player X rolled a natural 20* Me: "What was that for?"
Player X: "I... check to see if I'm God!"

... Drat, I seem to have forgotten the other good ones. Ahh well.

Leon
2009-12-21, 08:08 AM
DM: you all feel attracted to this lady
Me: No i don't, i go back to reading
DM: yes you do
Me: no i don't
DM: Yes you do, roll a Will save
Me: Nat 20 says i don't

Rhiannon87
2009-12-21, 08:50 AM
I'm the group stenographer. I maintain a quote book. I love threads like this.

"Dwarves are the most tender lovers on earth... so long as you have a Constitution of 18."

"This place looks terrible. Probably doesn't even have central air." - Roofus, on a ruined castle
"What's central air?" - Melly
"Brother! Don't reveal the dwarven secret!" - Runge

"You can make an argument for us not killing a prisoner. Just so long as one: he hasn't just tried to kill us, and two: he hasn't tried to kill everyone around him with zombies!" - Runge

"Do you disapprove?" - Runge
"Of everything you have ever done." - Melly

"If someone makes fun of you for looking funny, don't set them on fire until there are no witnesses." - Spigg, party rogue, to his new friend Lena, a half-fiend bard

"Why didn't I throw you in a dungeon with anti-magic cuffs?"
"Because I'd get out. And sell the cuffs."

Dogmantra
2009-12-21, 09:20 AM
I have this friend. Let's call him S. He's a lovely chap, but just a teensy tiny bit strange (he was DMing for all of them). Observe:

Me: Okay, so that's a half-flail, half-rat magical sword?
S: Half-Dire rat.
Me: And we're meant to fight it?
S: Yes. Roll initiative.

S: You see an ogre.
Me: I attack it.
S: Okay, roll to hit.
Me: *hits, rolls damage*
S: You cut off its arms.
A little later:
S: You cut off its legs.
Me: How is it... How is it still attacking us?
S: It's biting you.
Me: Ogres have a bite attack?
S: Shrek does.
Me: We're fighting Shrek?

Player: I take first watch
S: *rolls some dice behind screen* Okay, you hear shuffling, and you can tell that Shrek is walking around.
Player: I thought [me] cut off his arms and legs
S: He's very inventive.

Me: I'm playing a Kobold Rogue, I don't have a mini, though, so I'm using this d4.
Player: I'm playing a Human Sorcerer. This is my mini.
Other Player: I'm playing a Gnome Cleric. This is my mini *gets out Garden Gnome, complete with fishing rod*
Me: What?
Other Player: S gave it to me.
S, Player and Other Player: *collapses with laughter*

S is... well, I'm never letting him DM again. :smalltongue:
Somehow, I don't think anyone else takes it quite as seriously as I do. This is coming from the person who adds spontaneous Irish Gnomes, or Scottish Halflings to taverns. They have a tendency to become rather important.

Seatbelt
2009-12-21, 10:14 AM
Because nobody else has said it: Did you just punch out Cthulhu? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DidYouJustPunchOutCthulhu)

Curse you TV tropes!!

Duos Greanleef
2009-12-21, 10:15 AM
Oblanto the INT 9 cleric is currently one of my most favorite characters ever.
He's had such great one-liners as:

"Oso, you my only friend"
--Oso is a former circus bear, and the Beast companion of the party ranger... (bears) INT 6... they bond over it)

"Well you see, we were on the lightning rail, and there were zombies, and I climbed on the roof, and there was a succubus, and I wanted to KILL that devil. And all I ever wanted was my man giblets."
--This is aimed at the House Deneith captain of the guard in charge of the investigation concerning bloodshed on the lightning rail.

"Life is like a bag of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna grab."
--He'd just been asked if he wasn't the brightest person.

Then there's the conversation in my signature.

Then one time in a 4E modern hometweak:
DM: They're trying to break in the back door.
ME: I ask the lady at the desk to give me the keys to the gun closet.
DM: Diplomacy check
ME: Crap, I rolled a 1... so 7
DM: No way. She's not giving anyone those keys after what you just did. So the crazy guys bust down the door and run in. They're about 10' from you now.
ME: What's on the desk that I can grab?
DM: There's a stapler, a can of pens, and a computer monitor.
ME: I'm gonna use impact shot with the stapler. Awesome crit!
DM: Did you just crit a guy with a stapler?
ME: Yes I did! Is he dead?
DM: You win D&D.

Glass Mouse
2009-12-21, 10:58 AM
"We'd consider you relevant to the cause, but you're a duck."

I simply NEED to know the context for that one! You owe it to me for spitting water over my keyboard.


*After spending two hours at the local net café, playing Left4Dead where we kept dying because of one repetitious mistake. Then heading back to a friend's to play some RPG.

Player 1: Okay, so we need to question [Important NPC guy]. Do we know where to find him?
Player 2: Yeah, and it's probably gonna be dangerous. You're good at stuff like that - can't you do it?
Player 1: Sure thing.
Player 2: Okay, the rest of us'll go back to...-
DM: Guys... What did you just learn from Left 4 Dead?
The party: Ohhh...

dsmiles
2009-12-21, 11:15 AM
From a [2e] ADnD game, while fighting a lich:

Me (to DM): I steal his ring.
DM: WHAT? Off of his finger?
Me: Yeah, why not.
DM: Okay, roll your pick pockets -50%.
Me (rolling dice): 1%.
DM: WHAT?!?!?!?
Me: 1%.
DM: Okay, you got his ring. Now what?
Me: I put it on and activate it.
DM: WHAT?!?!?
Me: What's it do?
DM: *Groan* You are teleported into a 10x10 room. In this room is a pedestal with a large gem on it.
Me: I smash it and take the pieces.
DM: WHAT?!?!?!?
Me: It'll fit into my pockets better that way.
DM (to the rest of the characters): *Groan* The lich collapses on the floor in a pile of bones.
Other Players: WHAT!?!?!?!?

This was a huge adventure. I also ended up stealing the giant ruby eyes out of a statue of Lolth, and the diamond "stars" out of an observatory's ceiling. This was one of my most fun characters to play. He was a CN half-elf thief.

Yukitsu
2009-12-21, 11:30 AM
I simply NEED to know the context for that one! You owe it to me for spitting water over my keyboard.


One of my groups PCs is an awakened duck knight. Our party was introduced to a new character, which is a paladin from the Union (The Union is a communist mageocratic city state/magical academy.) who came with a job from the adventurers guild. He was supposed to gather up some locals, and bring them with him on his quest to find a magical McGuffin to save the city.

So he heads into town and asks around for anyone that spends a lot of time out of town, who is powerful enough to help him on his quest. He heads off to my character's house, which has the duck outside in a pond (yelling at the other ducks for being lazy) as well as my character's squire, who happens to be another Union paladin.

He goes up and starts talking to them, and gets a response of "Well sure I'll help, and I'll get the lady to help as well, but frankly if the worst that's going to happen is a full on assault from the nine hells, I think the military can manage here." from the squire paladin, and an emphatic "Yes, I shall lend my lance to your cause!" from the duck. Prompting the paladin to say "We'd consider you relevant to the cause, but you're a duck."

the quote in my signature is from the same campaign, as an aside to all that.

The Demented One
2009-12-21, 11:37 AM
"DEMON-BITCH CHOKING APPROACH!"

God I love Exalted.

eepop
2009-12-21, 05:53 PM
"You don't TUMBLE at someone's funeral!"

The Grue
2009-12-21, 06:13 PM
"Can I make a Disguise check for the soda bottle?"