Three Days Left To See... THE BOOK!

[Boo]

Hi there! A month (almost) ago I asked you all a question. "What if you had three days left to see?" (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=137787) Well, instead of doing a video (it would have sucked to be honest) I wrote and drew a small ten page book. You can find it here (http://antony-molly.deviantart.com/gallery/#Three-Days-Left-To-See).

If you don't feel like clicking the link:
1http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/023/1/6/Three_Days_Left_To_See_by_Antony_Molly.png2http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/023/b/2/Three_Days_Left_to_See_pg2_by_Antony_Molly.png3htt p://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/023/f/3/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg3_by_Antony_Molly.png4htt p://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/023/c/c/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg4_by_Antony_Molly.png5htt p://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/023/0/1/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg5_by_Antony_Molly.png6htt p://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/023/d/b/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg6_by_Antony_Molly.png7htt p://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/023/1/0/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg7_by_Antony_Molly.png8htt p://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/023/5/f/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg8_by_Antony_Molly.png9htt p://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/023/9/1/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg9_by_Antony_Molly.png10ht tp://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/023/e/d/Three_Days_Left_To_See_pg10_by_Antony_Molly.png

I am not looking for artistic criticism. It was done roughly over the course of a very tired night since I didn't have a tablet until then and I don't own a scanner. And yes, that's Paddington Bear in page 9.

I took what I could in terms of writing. I copied/incorporated bits of text here and there to keep it's emotion, but tried to have it somewhat generalised for a wider audience. I'm sure everyone here would do something very different. As for my lack of a vocabulary in this... Children, though quick learning, don't know every word you do. I'm sure I could have used bigger words, and more variety, but... yeah.

I actually would like suggestions on the writing (and page order) as I don't like some parts. The last line of page 2, for instance, makes it seem like the main character is dying. The introduction feels forced. On page 6, line 7 was leading up to an 11th page*. I didn't put it in because of time reasons, and now I'm wondering if I should put it in at all. There's probably more things I've yet to notice. Maybe I'm being too insecure?

To everyone who participated in creating this, I thank you. Even those of you whom I did not take examples from.

* Page 11 would have consisted of a full colour picture of the mother driving up to the camp site in her car with the protagonist to the side, sitting on a log in wait. The text would read something like "And the first thing I'd see with my new way of vision would be my mother coming to take me home."



"Too long; didn't read": Just look in the spoiler.

(EDIT: This probably should have gone into the A&C section...)

[Maximum Zersk]

This is really nice, Boo. I like it.

[reorith]

nicely done old chap.

[Tanaric]

Bravo. Well done.

[Dogmantra]

Love it.

I really like the art style, too.

[Groundhog]

I love the drawings. Had you not said that you didn't use a tablet, I would have assumed that you did.

About the writing:
Last line of Page 2 - Maybe replace it with something to the effect of "The last time that I'll be able to get dressed without assistance"
The introduction - Try dropping the last two lines, and revise/replace the first line.
The line on page 6 that's supposed to lead up to an 11th page - That is a problem, since the reader will be left wondering what this secret plan is. Maybe make a back cover with a picture (no text) of this plan being executed? (The reason I said no text was because you have a really nice ending, and I feel like any more words would spoil the effect that you created.)

But this is a really good piece of writing nonetheless. :smallsmile:

[Boo]

I love the drawings. Had you not said that you didn't use a tablet, I would have assumed that you did.Oh no, I did. I just didn't get it until the night before it was due. >> A day earlier I had only just started writing it. The video idea hung on for quite a while, but I'm too shy to ask anyone for anything. Good ol' internet anonymity.


About the writing:
Last line of Page 2 - Maybe replace it with something to the effect of "The last time that I'll be able to get dressed without assistance"
The introduction - Try dropping the last two lines, and revise/replace the first line.
The line on page 6 that's supposed to lead up to an 11th page - That is a problem, since the reader will be left wondering what this secret plan is. Maybe make a back cover with a picture (no text) of this plan being executed? (The reason I said no text was because you have a really nice ending, and I feel like any more words would spoil the effect that you created.)

I'll look at it tomorrow for the first two; and that third bit a great idea! But now to think of a front cover... Perhaps I could do the old perspective thing and make the front look toward... no, that doesn't make any sense. Need some symbolism in there... Perhaps it could just be the cliched shot of the protagonist sitting on a comfy chair reading a book. Something written by Helen Keller would be best considering the question spawned from one of her pieces.

"Three Days Left to See"

p1 redo

"Helen Keller once spoke of what she would do if she had three days to see.
"Her, one born with blindness.
"What if I had only three days left to see?
"Me, one born with vision.
"What would I do for those three days?"

Meh, quick thought. I'll revise it later.

Thank you everyone for the support. (I was seriously scared of posting this. Damn introvertedness getting the better of me...)

[KuReshtin]

Need some symbolism in there... Perhaps it could just be the cliched shot of the protagonist sitting on a comfy chair reading a book. Something written by Helen Keller would be best considering the question spawned from one of her pieces.



How about the protagonist sitting in a chair with a book by Helen Keller open in front of him, but with a blindfold on? Or with eyes closed.

[Boo]

Nah, way too artsy. I get where you're coming from, but the symbolism is a bit too obvious.

Never mind about it. I'll be too busy to work on it starting Tuesday, and this weekend will be spent preparing for Tuesday. Barely any time for the forum. =P

[Kneenibble]

I have but with a curselary eye o'erglanced the articles, but it reads like a well-done children's picture book. I thought it was unsophisticated and sincere. The iPod-commercial aesthetic is great, in that you have a story about peremptorily fine-tooth-combing the last vision ever, and the reader sees nothing at all -- it leaves the strong simple words to speak for themselves.

There's some places you could iron out the language, but you seem to know where they are. They usually reveal themselves if you linger over reviewing and editing it sufficiently.

[Flarowon]

...
...

That was freakin' amazing.

[Kaelaroth]

Page ten was lovely.
Just lovely. :smallsmile:

[Fawkes]

Even if you don't include it, I want to know what the secret plan is. :smalltongue:

[CarpeGuitarrem]

Lovely. I like how you had the rather melodramatic tone at the start, yes, almost as if they felt they were going to die, but followed by the realization at the end that there's a new life awaiting.

[Fuzzie Fuzz]

That was great. Seriously amazing.