[Low Life] The Pastor of Puppets

[gardenphilosoph]

storybookknight...Kuis, Big Purple Werm with a Pointy Spork

Name - Kuissatz Hadderack
Race - Werm
Rank - Novice
Bennies - 2/3
XP - 0

ATTRIBUTES
Agility - d6
Smarts - d4
Spirit - d6
Strength - d10
Vigor - d8

Charisma - 0
Pace - 6''
Parry - 7
Toughness - 15

SKILLS
Fighting - d10
Climbing - d6
Guts - d6
Intimidation - d6
Notice - d4
Survival - d4
Tracking - d4

EDGES
Burrowing (can burrow through loose dirt)
Coiled Spring (start with d6 in agility or strength)
Low Light Vision (ignore penalties for dim lighting)
Regeneration (heal every day, can regrow limbs)
Rubbery Skin (+1 bonus to toughness)
Brawny (+1 toughness, increased load limit)
Really Big Guy (increased strength, +4 toughness, large)
Berserk (make smarts roll after taking wound or go berserk)

HINDRANCES
Heroic (Kuis isn't very bright, and always willing to jump headlong into danger to preserve and promote the name of the Hemperer Werm.)
Hoardosaurus - (You'll never know when exploring a dungeon what'll come in handy.)
Sort of Clueless (Like most barbarians from far-off lands, Kuis doesn't know much about Mutha Oith - usually with comical results. -1 penalty to Common Knowledge rolls)
Overconfident (thinks he can do anything)

WEAPONS - Range/ROF/Damage/Weight/Notes
Traditional Errorkissian Sparx - 1/0/STR+d10/12y/Half spear, half arx. It's got three pointy bits at the end, two curvy blades to either side, and it's even slightly curved so ya can use it as a shovel.

ARMOR - Location/Protection/Weight/Notes
Good armor - torso/+3/15y/Pieced together from a buncha different suits a' armor, either found or taken off their previous owners in the traditional fashion.

POSSESSIONS (ENCUMBRANCE - 47/80y)
5 clams, backpack, rope, five small metal cases, crappy clothes (Traditional sandwerm garb, which is ta say a ugly purple loincloth and a battered brown tunic.)

Someday Kuis hopes to acquire an eleven-yort pole, a radioactive stick (light without oil!), hammer and doorspikes, and all the other trappings of the ancient hemperers. For now, he's too poor.

BACKGROUND
A noble savage werm from that place with all the sand, his people found a hoomankind artifakt that told of the coming of a Hemperer Werm after all the hoomans were gone. Since this hemperer sounded like such a groovy guy, they decided to try and all be like him - paragons of wermkind. Kuis left his people after gettin' into an argument with a werm who was exploitin' the werkers at the local spice mine, and left to make his own way and find fame! Adventure! Fortune! And to try and become the Hemperer Werm! Kuis is an enormous perple flatwerm, with a fringe around the side.
eguzki...Orly, Small Tzin't (dolphin-squirrel-gorilla-frog) with Crazy Magic

Name - Orly Pigmism
Race - Tzin't
Rank - Novice
Bennies - 3
PP: 4/10
XP - 0

ATTRIBUTES
Agility - d10
Smarts - d12
Spirit - d6
Strength - d6
Vigor - d6

Charisma - 0
Pace - 6''
Parry - 7
Toughness - 5

SKILLS
Climbing - d4+2
Fighting - d6
Guts - d4
Hokus Poking - d12
Intimidate - d4+2
Knowledge (History) - d6
Notice - d4
Persuasion - d4
Stealth - d6

EDGES
Arcane Background (Hocus Poker)
Gorilla Strength (+2 climb & intimidate)
Squirrel Reflexes (extra die for agility)
Dolphin Brain (extra die for smarts)
Really Small Guy (increased agility, strength can't go above d8, small)

HINDRANCES
Puppy Phobia (terrified of quadrupeds)
Object of Fascination (pursued by wisenheimers)
Inumerate (no concept of numbers)
Sort of Clueless (-1 to Common Knowledge rolls)
Death Wish (will do anything to fulfill his goal)

WEAPONS - Range/ROF/Damage/Weight/Notes
Aged Vanilla Bean - 0/0/STR+d6/6y/parry bonus +2

ARMOR - Location/Protection/Weight/Notes
Decent armor - torso/+2/10y/a shiny dinner plate on his chest and back

POWERS - Power Points/Range/Duration/Trappings/Notes
Bolt - 1-6pp/12/24/48/instant/none/2d6 dmg, more pp for increased damage or more bolts
Boost/Lower Trait - 2pp/smarts/3(1/round)/none/none
Elemental Manipulation (Earth) - 1pp/smartsx2/instant/none/none

POSSESSIONS (ENCUMBRANCE - 44/30y) (-1 to ag & str rolls)
240 clams, onescycle, decent clothing, backpack, blanket, 4 candles


Boss' Bennies
2

The General Gist of the Thing: You two are in the Bitchin' City of Floom* on Keister Island*, at the Place of Pondering*. A few dozen assorted beings, including you, have assembled to watch a puppet show, because, y'know, that's what cool people do.

*An asterisk indicates that information about these places will be present at the bottom of my post, hidden away in spoilers. You can find this same information and probably more in the book, but it's here for the sake of convenience. Also, I am a really great Boss. ;) It's meant to simulate the knowledge your character would have as a citizen of Mutha Oith. Perhaps even a bit more than your character would know, depending.


---

The Bitchin' City of Floom
http://i45.tinypic.com/oho5qs.jpg

Doughy golden clouds wander slowly across the hazy orange sky above the city of Floom. From your seat, a filthy wooden bench arrayed in a triple arc with a couple of dozen just like it in one of the fifty or so circular plazas that make up the Place of Pondering, you can smell the sulfurous stench of the Keister of Gawd* intermingled with the delectable aromas of fried dung and pickled slog nuggets hawked by the ubiquitous street vendors a few yorts beyond the silvery stone wall that surrounds the plaza.

The assembled crowd talk quietly among themselves, occasionally laughing out loud at some joke or another. So far, the cylindrical wooden puppet theater opposite your benches has not made a peep, its curtains drawn tight and its hanging paper lanterns unlit.

The crowd is a mix of croaches, werms, a couple of smelves, and a lone cremefillian who is muttering softly to himself and looks a bit preoccupied. He wears a checkered dew rag and a painted brick hangs from a rope across his shoulders.

This is the time to make character introductions and ask questions. You two just so happen to be sitting next to each other.

---

The Mysterious Realm of Keister Island, The Rumpcheeks of Gawd

Geography: Huge jagged mountains; sprawling meadows of moss and fungus; deep forests of twisted trees and oozing flowers; the biggest hole in the world.
Populace: 500,000 or so (mostly residents of Floom)
Resources: Smellementals; what passes for corn and other foodstuffs; all sorts of stuff really
Governance: Beloved Keistermeister Hugormo XIII is the beloved ruler of Floom.
Cities and Towns: Borph, Floom; Goss; Torkle; dozens of small towns and villages.
Relations: Most of the municipalities of Keister Island have good trading relationships with just about everyone but the horcs of Agog.

The geographic center of the world, or so say the wisenheimers, Keister Island is a wonder of nature and a testament to the insanity of the creators. For the most part it's just a big island, temperate in climate and quite pleasantly appointed considering the usual real estate to be found on Oith. A very light, stinky mist clings to just about everything, not enough to impair vision or actually get anything wet, but just enough to remind you where you are. You see, Keister Island houses one of Oith's greatest marvels, the Keister of Gawd. This incredibly, amazingly, fantastically huge hole in the ground, impossibly deep and mind-bogglingly wide, belches vapors and stenches like a pile on a chili binge. Where it came from nobody knows. Why it's here, who can say? What does it want from us? What does it mean? More on this later.

Strange statues and other relics of ancient times can be found scattered all about the island. Discussions about what these ubiquitous and mysterious effigies actually depict are almost as common in the taverns and plazas of Keister Island as arguments about the Keister itself. Nobody knows for sure.


The Bitchin' City of Floom

This large city, second in size only to New Oorlquar, is built along the banks of the river Snooz, overlooking the great maw of the Keister of Gawd. As the city at the center of the world, Floom is a powerful hub of trade and commerce. Its majestic buildings, paved thoroughfares, and beautiful sculptures often make a visitor forget how truly crappy the world is. Yes indeed, the city of Floom is a grand place to visit.

The hereditary monarch of Floom is known as the Keistermeister. The current keistermeister is a werm named Hugormo XIII. He is a kind and just ruler, at least ostensibly, and his subjects adore him for the most part.

The architectures and city planners who designed the city of Floom must have been smoking something. The place is a confusing jumble of buildings, sculptures, canals, and fountains. Many of the buildings are shaped like gigantic faces or huge asses in tribute to the Keister of Gawd. There is very little reason to the winding streets, bridges, and thoroughfares, which often overlap each other or turn about in strange ways. The indigenous residents seem to have gotten used to it, but it can be very disconcerting to visitors. Not surprisingly, porters and tour guides make a good living shuffling tourists and travelers about the city.


The Place of Pondering

A huge plaza carved from a single massive block of mysterious silver stone, the Place of Pondering is a gathering spot for philosophers, poets, zealots, and others who like to have their voices heard. The strange minerals of the place seem to help people focus their thoughts a bit more clearly than normal.

The Keister of Gawd

Holy sufferin' dew rag of Jemima! This is one freakin' huge hole in the ground. It has to be at least a gazillion yorts across, probably even more than that. And it's really freakin' deep too. I'm talkin' so deep that you can't even see the bottom, just a big roiling cloud of mist and steam that billows up from the depths of the Oith. On one side you've got these massive cascades of water spilling in from the surrounding sea, and on the other side you've got a bunch of cracks, fissures and mountains. It's an incredibly dangerous place to be, but also one of the most amazing sights a being's likely to see in its lifetime.

The origins of the Keister are a topic of great debate among wisenheimers and smartasses everywhere. Some think it was caused by the impact of some cosmic body, like a star of a chunk of moon cheese. Others contend that the Keister is the literal butthole of the planet, the place where Mutha Oith vents her gasses. I don't know about that, but the place does stink pretty bad most of the time and it seems to be a haven for smellementals and other nasty critters.
---

[storybookknight]

Kuissatz Hadderack, champion warrior, beetle-bronco, sand-digger, dame-deflowerer, and probably champion anything else you care to mention (except debater (except for the kind of 'debate that involves sharp pointy sticks)), was feeling a little bit out of his depth. Here he was, trying to make the trip to the center of Mutha Oith, trying to find the biggest badasses, the deadliest wild beasts, and the most impossible challenges a werm could throw himself up against. Now, it seemed that he'd succeeded, and found an enormous gift shop.

"No matter how I look at it, this place is just about civilized. There's practically nothing here to kill at all!" He sighs and slumps over, his long body doubling over as it nears the ground so he can still look up at the puppet show with forlorn eyes. "At least the traditional art of using miniature figurines to discuss religion is still around." He brightened up a little. The poster had said something about 'the kiestermeister of kiestermeisters', so maybe there would be a Hemperer Werm show! It was always a hoot seeing the puppeteers stick little eyes and arms onto the end of their tails.

Kuis looks around and settles his attention on the Tizn't to his left. "Hail! I am Kuissatz Hadderack, warrior of the Errorkiss tribe! My sparx is always at the ready! Say, do ya know what tha show's about?"

[Eguzki]

Orly Pigmism was mindlessly munchin' away on some dung covered rosted giant ants when he was interrupted by some low life. He looked around for the source of the voice finally seeing the towering worm next to him.

"This show? Hmm. I friggle it's about the hemperer. I never know. I simply come to watch and munch on these droollingly yummy ants. What it is about I care not. Say I hadn't see you here before. Where are you friggling here?"

[storybookknight]

Where am I friggle? Ah, where am I from! I, my good ser- er, ma'am? - my good T'izn't, hail from the towering dunes of That Place With All The Sand, the vastest harshness and harshest vastness that could ever be described to a city-dweller." Kuis flexes an enormous reticulated bicep almost absentmindedly. "So where do ya friggle from? Er, come friggle?"

[Eguzki]

Ahh, The place with all the sand. I thunk I heard of such place. I always wanted to go and build sand castles there. But where I friggle from? Well I a poking hoc of Toast. A most beautiful and splendid place if you look past the unoithly cremefilians but if were not for their friggle bodies the land would not be so lovely. I say I do miss that place. Have you been?

[storybookknight]

Kuis pulls out an old and faded pamphlet, heavily annotated in a clumsy scrawl. "Toast, huh? Lemme see, here... aha! Knew I'd hoid of it -the Dingdom of the Dong, right? Never been. Sez here it's a place fulla shrines and brothels - those are like soup joints, right? Specialize in broth? It is unclear exactly whether Kuis is being facetious or not.

[Eguzki]

Soup? O yes there is good soup in Toast but you don't find it in brothels. If you dunno what brothels be then I am not the one to friggle you. Thou it is pretty I hope you never make your way there. Those cremefillians are pesky folk. They friggled me from the city. A boot up the hole and I flew many yorts. Orly rubs his behind remembering the event. I have had many birthdays and travelled many big yorts since that friggle day.

[storybookknight]

Kuis extends a hand. "Well, nice it is to meet a well-traveled T'izn't like yerself, er..." his long head bobs from side to side a couple of times as he thinks. "Actually, what was yer name? Don't believe I ever hoid it."

[Eguzki]

O yes, I haven't told. The small Tizn't turns to face the Great Werm standing on his chair (it still doesn't reach the nipples of the werm) I am known as Orly Pigmism low poker of the hoke, hocus poker of lowness, manipulator of oith, (not motha oith but the oith you stand on), in soith I do magic. He then takes a small bow.

[storybookknight]

Kuis grunts. "Pokery, huh? Explains how a mite like you managed ta get so far, now dunnit? Fer my own part, I am a mighty warrior! In case ya couldna guessed."

[gardenphilosoph]

Just as a few people are gathering their things to leave, a metallic crash sounds from behind the puppet theater. A puff of green smoke engulfs the wooden cylinder and then quickly dissipates. A gasp of wonder emerges from the crowd as they see that the curtain is drawn and the paper lanterns are lit, their reddish glow illuminating a squat pink figure standing in the center of the tiny puppet stage. Three smelves walk out from behind the theater and begin to rhythmically bang sticks together as a deep, resonating voice emerges from everywhere at once.

"Behold!" it shouts, "The glory of what once was." A second pink figure rises slowly from beneath the puppet stage, dressed in a bright red robe and wearing a paper crown. The two hand puppets to turn face each other, their eyes goggling slowly back and forth. Suddenly, the three smelves burst into song, their high voices at once cacophonous and melodic.


The world was a better place
When run by the Hoomanrace
No one got in your face
In the time of the Hoomanrace.

The pink puppets join hands and begin to dance in a circle. Two more emerge, one in a pink dress, and another wearing nothing but a wide brimmed hat, and join the frolic.


Don't mess with the Hoomanrace.
When they get back from outer space
They just might kick your ass!

The crowd begin to tap their toes and clap along. Two small croach larvae join arms and dance around in a circle. Without warning a voice of dissent, a low grumbly voice full of angst and piss, rises from the audience. A lone cremefillian, his checkered dew rag adrip with sweat and assorted foulnesses, stands up slowly and shouts, "SLOG CRAP!!! The Hoomanrace were a bunch of vile monsters. They imprisoned my people and forced them into bondage! How can you make light of our suffering? This is off the cob! I piss on your precious Hoomanrace!"

The cremefillian begins to unwind the rope around his shoulders, at the end of which lies the painted brick - it's a makeshift flail.


If you wish to intercede, than initiative is in the spoiler below.

Cremefillian - 3♠
Orly - 5♦
Kuis - 7♦

We count from lowest to highest. So the Cremefillian goes first, then Orly, then Kuis.

Here is the combat map. (http://i50.tinypic.com/hrd4w2.jpg) It doesn't contain any visual obstacles or anything, as it's just meant to be a rough representation of distance.

The Cremefillian will run up to the puppeteer and swing his flail.

For our first combat, I will break this down.

Since the Cremefillian's pace is 6, he gets to move 6 squares per turn as a free move. Since this will not be enough to put him next to the puppeteer, he runs, which lets him move an additional [roll0] squares. That will, whatever the result, put him next to the puppeteer, so he will attack. Unfortunately since running wasn't a free action, he suffers the multi-action penalty, so his Fighting roll will have a penalty of -2.

His fighting skill is d6, so he rolls a d6. He is just an extra, so does not get a wild die. [roll1] Whatever the result, I will resolve in the next post.

[gardenphilosoph]

The Cremefillian gets a pathetic 1, which is a fail even without the -2 multi-action penalty. He would've needed to get a 6 or higher after the penalty is applied, 6 being the puppeteer's Parry score. The puppeteer's puppet stand also counts as light cover, adding an additional -1 to the cremefillian's attack roll, for a total of -3.

He misses. Now, as a GM, I could have spent a benny to have him re-roll the roll, but I won't.

Generally drawing a weapon counts as an action as well, but the Cremefillian drew it prior to the combat actually beginning.

This is the combat map as it stands now, showing the Cremefillian's move from 8N to J3. (http://i48.tinypic.com/fxymiw.jpg)

I've hidden this all in spoilers in case you two didn't intercede, in which case you shouldn't be reading this. :smallwink:

[storybookknight]

Kuis looks at the puppet show quizzically. This was altogether a bit different from the puppetry he was used to at home. For one thing, there wasn't a plot. Or an introduction, for that matter, though the lights and smoke were nice. It was just a homily, which made him grumble. In That Place With All The Sand, delivering religion outside of a church would have Sultan Pepper's goons all over ya, and that's a fact. Besides, they totally forgot the part about the Hemperer Werm.

Kuis stands up in alarm as the cremefillian charges the stage. "Oy, that cremefil's gonna get creamed by dis crowd if he breaks da stage! Dey'll moida him!" Kuis jogs over to intercept the cremefillian, drawing up parallel behind him, then whipping his face around on his long neck and giving his best warrior bellow. What the cremefillian should see is an upside-down werm face appearing out of nowhere and screaming at the top of its lungs directly at him. With the bad breath and worse teeth, it almost constitutes an attack in its own right.

Kuis is trying to scare the cremefillian into stopping. [roll0]. This assumes no bonus for size, shock, whatever.

[gardenphilosoph]

This won't actually happen until whatever Orly does happens, but we can resolve it ahead of time.

Intimidation is a Test of Will, so it is an opposed roll, your Intimidation versus the target's Spirit. You got a 5, and I'll give you a +2 bonus because you're so damn big, making your total 7.

The Cremefillian is rolling his Spirit. If he gets less than your total, you win and you get a +2 bonus on your next action against him. If he gets your total or more, nothing happens and he is unshaken.

[roll0]

[Eguzki]

Orly jumps up rather shocked at this cremmefillian's reaction. Orly was always quite found of the hoomanrace and puppet shows. Now this cremmefillian was insulting both.

Oy, Cremmy. Get out of the way. I'm trying to friggle this show. Don't make me get down there.

Orly stands up on the edge of his seat with his vanilla bean in one hand ready of things to get wild.

[gardenphilosoph]

INITIATIVE
Cremefillian - 2♦
Kuis - 4♥
Orly - J♠

This is the current map. (http://i47.tinypic.com/axjhhl.png)

The Cremefillian, badly unnerved by the gargantuan purple thing with a seemingly very pointy stick, tries to recover his spirits so he can fight again.

[gardenphilosoph]

[roll0]

Rolling Spirit to see if he recovers. Success is 4 or over, failure is anything less.

[storybookknight]

Kuis rolls his eyes. "Stuff it, ya dope! If ya start trouble here, they'll string ya up and squeeze the creme fillin' out of ya. Now Sit!" He swings the butt end of his sparx at the cremefillian, trying to knock the pastry person out cold, "Down! And enjoy da show, even if it is a piece o' crap!"

[roll0] [roll1] +2 for the intimidate, -1 for a nonlethal attack. Damage on a hit is [roll2]. Additional damage on a [roll3]

[gardenphilosoph]

The cremefillian shakes off the vision of the purple-coloured hulk lumbering toward him, throwing caution to the wind and putting all his force into a last desperate blow against the puppeteer.


Everything in this post takes place prior to the above post.

Fighting - [roll0] +2 wild attack, -1 light cover

[gardenphilosoph]

The painted brick swings wildly through the air, but shears harmlessly through a paper lantern, missing the puppeteer.

The cremefillian attacker doesn't even see the massive blunt end of a tradition Errorkissian sparx approaching him at a speed far too fast to be comfortable. Seconds later, the attacker lies sprawled out at the base of the puppet stand, the filling knocked out of him.

He'll be unconscious for the next [roll0] hours at least.

[storybookknight]

Kuis picks the cremefillian up and throws him over his shoulder like a sack o' partially hydrogenated beans. "Welp! I didn't feel much like watchin' a crappy play like this'n any longer anyways. Guess I'll take this poor sorry basterd some place safe, like a jail cell." Kuis looks around in confusion, then looks over at the diminutive t'izn't he was sitting next to. "Oy, Orly! You know where da jail is around here? I mean, around friggle?"

[Eguzki]

Orly shocked at the display of brute strength, takes a second answer. "A sale? O yes, I think there is one in this city. Hmm..." He looks up at the sun and scratched his belly absentmindedly as he thinks. "Yes, Yes, It friggles back now. Come, follow!" With those words the small tizn't jumps off his seat and unto a onecycle and zooms away, holding his hat as it tries to settle in a calmer location.

After a few blocks they arrive in front of a small shop with many windows. The top of the door reads "Dawngaloo's House of Random Stuff." There seems to be a whole lot of people pilling into the store and on each of the windows the word "SALE" is painted in great red letters. "Here you go, a "sale." I'm not sure what your friggling for but I'm sure you'll friggle it here.

[storybookknight]

Kuis shakes his head. "Er... I was mostly just lookin' for a place to put this rowdy down someplace he could sleep it off." He ponders this for a second, and then sticks his head a few feet into the shop. "Ho there, ser shopkeep! Be you of kindly intent towards theater critics? This one could use a place to sleep for a few hours!"

[gardenphilosoph]

"Is that a cremefillian I friggle? And you are selling him, you say? My my, that could be done." replies the shopkeep, a squat bodul with one massive eye, garbed in something that strongly smells of disinfectant. He winks as he eyes the unconscious attacker, which for him, is basically the same as blinking.

[storybookknight]

"Er... no. He's not for friggle. Or sale. Besides, you wouldn't want him - he's violent, and dumber'n your av'rage horc." He sticks his head back out and turns to Orly. "This won't do. We should find one o' those... what the friggle do you call them? Hoinks!"

[Eguzki]

Hoinks! The small tizn't climbs up his vanilla bean staff balancing on the tip. Still it only reaches where the werm's nipples would be if werms had nipples. Well, Why didn't you say so in the first place? I know of one not far from here. A strange horc hoink. Friggles he is bigger and better then all the low lives. Pivoting on the bean he points to a huge hork bullying a couple of roofless croach.

[storybookknight]

Kuis shrugs (jostling the cremefil on his shoulder) and ambles over amiably towards the horc in question. He'd known a few horcs that were all right to deal with (once he'd shown them who was the stronger one, anyways,) though they tended to dry out in That Place With All The Sand. "Ser Hoink? I wanna talk to ya!" he calls, waving his sparx in his free hand to indicate his location.

[gardenphilosoph]

The horc turns around, one of his slimy brows rising quizically. He wears a silly little blue plastic helmet, indicating his role of a hoink of Floom. "What dowst thou want, civie?", he asks, eyeing the unconscious twinkie on Kuis' shoulder.

[storybookknight]

Kuis displays the cremefil proudly. "Had ta thump this lout over tha noggin ta keep him from causin' trouble over by tha puppet show. I didn't like tha play either, so I thought I'd take him someplace safe insteada lettin' the mob roll through his pockets." Kuis looks around, then shrugs, causing the unconscious agitator to bounce up and down. "Ya got a place he could sleep it off for a little while, and not be tempted to throw no more bricks at bad puppet shows when he wakes up?"

[gardenphilosoph]

The horc inspects the cremefillian more closely, lifting its head to take a look at the face. "Ah, Haite Winkletink. A Jemima's Witness that's caused us more thanst a little trouble in the past. I supposeth it was a Hoomanitarian puppet show?" The expression on the horc officer's face changes quickly, and it looks...it looks like he's about to vomit.

With a great big hhhoooorrrrcccc the horc vomits up a pair of fuzzy pink cufflinks, their gaudy fur forming short spikes due to being swamped in a thick, repulsive mucus. Taking the cremefillian from you, he handcuffs the criminal. "Thanks for dost turning him in, civie."

[storybookknight]

Kuis stretches out his shoulders with a series of crackling pops (and maybe a few snaps). "Yeah, er... I did not dost do anything special. I would be sad...eth if he got strung up...eth over a stupid-eth puppet show." Kuis nods to the hoink. Thanks for doth taking him."

[gardenphilosoph]

The hoink nods in reply before lugging the cremfil away.

Before you two can decide what to do, a croach approaches you. "Hello. My name is Fozzle." he says, pausing to shake all four of your combined hands - at once, with his own four arms. "You two saved me at the puppet show. I can't thank you enough. Here, I want you to take these as a reward." he says, pulling a couple of puppets out of a zebra-stripe purse hanging at his side. "Thank you. Thank you...thanks." He profusely apologises as he slips hastily away into the crowd. He had looked quite nervous throughout the entire short conversation, looking all round and behind him and such.

There are four puppets, all of which are crude representations of the Hoomanrace. One of them has a crown.


http://i45.tinypic.com/xo2hx1.jpg
They look a little something like this.

[Eguzki]

"Why would he friggle us these puppets?" Orly holds one up at arms length squinting as he inspects it. Satisfied with his visual check he smells it and looks inside. "Maybe he wants us to start our owns puppet shows." He throws one in his pack and keeps the one with the crown on his hand. Spinning in circle on his onecycle he starts singing waving the puppet high over his head.


The world was a better place
When friggled by the Hoomanrace
No one got in your face
In the time of the Hoomanrace.

Don't mess with the Hoomanrace.
When they get back from friggle space
They just might kick your... How did it friggle again?

O yea I remember They just might kick your friggle!

[storybookknight]

Kuis gives a booming laugh. "Ha! He must a' seen the error of his ways! He's not gonna be puttin' on any bad puppet shows wit' these things anytime soon! Er, I mean, anytime friggle."

Kuis looks down and the T'izn't and sighs. "And I thought the croach's show was bad. Where's the hero? What's the plot?" He puts a hand out to stop the little fellow and clears his throat. "I'll teach you a better song." He begins to sing - well, chant - in an off-key rumbling bass.



Rhymes, in the form and good of eye,
Mother and mumbalow,
And hit her and sit her fly-
Seer puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of last gormless things
That shift the scenery to and fro,
Clapping from out their Condor wings
Hand visible Whoa!

That motley drama- oh, be sure
It shall not be forgot!
With its fandom chase for evermore,
By a crowd that sees it not,
Through a circlet that never return a thin
To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness, and more of Win,
And Whores the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the rhymic route
A crawling shape intrude!
A blood-red thing that rises from out
The scenic solitude!
It rises!- it rises!- with mortal pangs
The mimes become its food,
And sir off a sob at wermin fangs
a hooman never boo'd.

Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a fun or a ball,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angles, applaud and want
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

Kuis coughs, slightly embarrassed. "It's an old bit of lore from among my people - some of the words are old, like mumbalow instead of arppegio, and other stuff. It's left over from the hoomanrace, they say (http://quotations.about.com/cs/poemlyrics/a/The_Conqueror_W.htm) - the werms did a puppetshow, and ate a bunch of mimes, so we were heroes. Or something like that."

[gardenphilosoph]

Kuis' chant attracts the attention of some oddfellows, goodfellas, and acafellas, but upon seeing the sheer bulk of the singer in question they quickly stumble along their way.

Upon looking inside one of the puppets, a crumpled paper ball falls out onto one of Orly's massive gorilla hands. Flattening it out reveals...


http://i46.tinypic.com/wgt65e.jpg

Two Common Knowledge rolls each to reveal what 'Orble' and 'the Froth' might refer to. Common Knowledge rolls are just Smarts rolls for, well, common knowledge. Since both of you have the 'Sort of Clueless' hindrance, you each take a -1 penalty on all Common Knowledge rolls.

Also make a Notice roll with a -2 penalty if you want to search the puppets thoroughly. Y'know, just in case. :smallwink:

[Eguzki]

Orly wasn't paying any attention to the giant singing werm. His strange words made no sense to him at all plus he was preocupied by his great discovery. Reading the small note he ponders quietly to himself. "Orble, Orble... Hmm. Friggling diggaling what's an orble?" Keeping the thought moving in his head he decides to look closer at the puppets incase there was more to the note.

Knowledge [roll0]
Notice [roll1]

[storybookknight]

Kuis leans down to see what Orly is doing.


[roll0] [roll1]

[roll2] [roll3]

[gardenphilosoph]

'Orble' doesn't bring anything to mind, to either of you. Huh. Well, you've always been sort of clueless anyways. The both of you continue pondering what 'the Froth' could mean. 'Sunrise' probably means that time of day where the sun rises. Maybe.

Make another Common Knowledge roll to figure out what 'the Froth' means, again with a -1 penalty. That's a Smarts roll, and remember to roll your wild die (an additional d6).

Navigating the bustling thoroughfares of Floom, the two of you decide to stop for a bite to eat. Deep fried dung or pickled fly wings and a swift drink always sounds swell after apprehending a Jemima's Witness zealot. Friggling your way through the crowds, you spot a fancy tavern with an OPEN sign that slightly pulsates. Hmm. It's called the Gray Matter Boozaterium*, and sounds as good a place as any. you head in and grab a table.

---

The Grey Matter Boozaterium
This fancy tavern is run by the local chapter of the Dementional Discotesticus, an international social club for psychic oofos, headquartered in Floom. Drinks are served telepathically and the waitresses always seem to know what you want before you order. Kind of creepy, but worth the trip. Try the fondue; it's to die for.

[gardenphilosoph]

The oofo waitresses, tall slim purple things, bring you an order of green cheese poutine and schnazzy fried brocodile lumps, along with two pitchers of sugar beer - before you've even placed an order. Useful thing, this telepathy.

While dining, information slowly dawns inside Orly's massive mind. 'Orble'...that sounded like a common werm name, if any could be called common. 'The Froth*' was something Orly had recalled hearing about, one of the major sights of Floom. It was a massive fountain in the center of the city that apparently spewed root beer instead of water. Certainly something worth seeing.

While relaying this newly recalled information to Kuis, a chubby oofo wearing stained kitchen duds floats over to your table. "Greetings, oith creatures. May I join your table for a moment? I have a business proposal for you."


http://i46.tinypic.com/15znorn.jpg
He probably looks a little something like this.

---

The Froth
This magnificent fountain in the center of the city constantly spews forth an endless cascade of root beer. A former keistermeister, Hugormo IX, had the Froth installed as a gift to the people of Floom. An enterprising cremefillian, one Saio Shim Loach from the Dingdom of the Dong, has set up a profitable business renting mugs to those who come to drink from the wonderful font.

[storybookknight]

Kuis orders whatever sounds like it has a good price to volume ratio - a big werm takes a lot of food to keep fueled, but on the other hand he's getting a little poor. The beer, on the other hand, is not optional in the slightest. A warrior drinks a warrior's drink! As he sees the froth on his drinks as they appear in front of him, something tickles his memory.
[roll0] [roll1]
Oh, yeah! He really liked beer! That was it!

He looks up as the cook approaches. "A werm such as my self is always open to business. Speak your piece."

[gardenphilosoph]

The blue skinned oofo waves his hand subtly as he sits, nodding his head in thanks. A small wooden box descends slowly from the ceiling, gently coming to rest on your table. "Word of your recent deeds has recently come to my knowledge. My noggin has seen that you will yourselves be soon traveling as well." His lips do not move and it seems as if he is speaking with your voice. "I wonder if I might trouble you to deliver a few packages along the way?"

The oofo unties the ribbon that binds the wooden box. Lifting the lid he removes five small metal cases, each one bearing a parchment label and sealed with wax. "You will be rewarded handsomely upon your return, but you must never open these boxes, for the contents within are to be seen only by the recipient."

[Eguzki]

Orly had heard of such quests before and he knew that they often ended badly. Usually worst for the messenger then the sender. Taking a big bite of the green cheese poutine, "So you want us to friggle some secret packages to some secret people. I dunno sounds a bit friggly to me. Say what. I wannna nose whats friggles in those packages. I'm not a big fan od the hoinks and I like to friggle as far from them as tizn'tly possible."

[storybookknight]

Kuis looks over at Orly, then to the Oofo. "I don't really care what's in 'em. Long as the money's good, doesn't bother me much." He takes a bite of food and continues his speech around it, politely spraying chunks off to the side when possible. "If da hoinks want ta see what it is we have, we'll just tell 'em to friggle off. Ain't none o' their business, yeah?"

[gardenphilosoph]

The oofo eyes Orly, making a gesture of reassurance. "I assure you, good sirs, that there is nothing a hoink would find interesting in these cases. I put my word on it. Do we have a deal, then?"

The packages are addressed to the head chefs, proprietors, and bosses of various diners, taverns, and friggleraunts in various cities all across the Oith.

[Eguzki]

The tizn't seems more or less pleased. After downing his beer and munching a bit more puttine he looks up at the oofo, "Alright, I'll do it. But if this puts me in a situation I don't friggle I'll personally track you down and friggle you full of giant dung beetles and friggle you down the keister of gawds."

[gardenphilosoph]

"Fair enough, wise one. Just remember, the deal is off if those gifts are opened. My name is Imzozo, Imzozo Hroop. You will find me here when your task is finished. Your meal is on the house, friends." says the oofo, before retreating to the kitchen, leaving you two with five small metal cases on the table.

[storybookknight]

Kuis shrugs. "I guess we're travelin' together, then? I'll not say no to a Hokus-Poker's assistance, that's fer sure." He looks around. "Food's onna house, so let's fill up on grub and find a place to hit the sack, yeah? We can leave to, um, wherever the closest box needs to go, whenever we're ready."

[gardenphilosoph]

By the time the two of you leave the Boozaterium, it is evening. Navigating the narrow thoroughfares back to the frigglebox the two of you incidentally rented rooms at, you notice something amiss.

Make Notice checks or miss out on the first round of combat, it's an ambush! If you do pass your notice checks, you are dealt the following...

Orly - 7♣
Kuis - 4♠

A squat figure seemingly made out of refuse and debris* appears, one on the roof of either building overlooking the two of you. From out of the alleys and waste grates appear four small, slightly smelly spirits*. Contaminants*!

The two figures on the roof begin hurling chunks of trash, ripped off from their own bodies, at Kuis, him being the more obviously threatening of the two. The small smelly spirits begin to fly straight toward Orly, drifting through the air like unwanted stenches.

Throwing - [roll0], Throwing - [roll1] (+2 because Kuis is a big target)

Damage (if they hit) - [roll2], [roll3]

---

Wanker*
Wankers are spirits of rubbish and grime. They appear as squat spherical blobs covered in refuse and dripping with filthy muck.

Wuss*
The least of all contaminants, wusses are spirits of stink and flatulence. They appear as little whisps of gelatinous vapour with pudgy arms and eyeless faces.

Contaminants
Contaminants are elemental spirits of filth, disease, and corruption. They exist, in a dormant state, all around us but are invisible and intangible unless summoned by a contaminator or otherwise coalesced (it can happen naturally, I am told). Multiple varieties exist, although five main types are most common, each representing a primordial condition of smut or blight.

All contaminants are vile and pestilent beings. They care for nothing more than spreading their influence and causing ruckus.

*You should only look at these spoilers, descriptions of particular types of contaminants, if you feel that your character knows or has come across such beings in the past.

[gardenphilosoph]

They both hit, but the second attack doesn't harm Kuis. The first one wouldn't, but it did hit with a raise, so I'm rolling another d6 right now. If that pushes the 8 damage to 12 or more, than Kuis is Shaken.

[roll0]+8

[storybookknight]

Kuis yells in indignation and surprise as a glob of muck comes hurtling out of the darkness, smearing itself across his face in an ooey, gooey surprise. "Blasphemies and Maledictions!" he shouts, whipping his sparx out from behind his back. "You little ****s! I'll pulverize you! I'll..." Blood vessels all up and down Kuis' length distend, popping out visibly from his skin as he throws his head back and howls with rage, shaking his spear at the attackers and preparing to send them back to whatever gawdsforsaken hamlet they come from... in pieces.


Smarts roll to avoid berserk rage - voluntary fail (parry -2, toughness +2)

[Eguzki]

Startled by this unexpected attack, Orly steps back planting his small squirrel feet deep in the earth. A blank stare comes over his eyes as he raises his arms high in the sky. Taking a deep breath he bellows with all his might. "Do NOT friggle with Orly, Poker of the hok!" All of a sudden with a great pelvic thrust three small hands with their index finger extended come flying out of his belly button and nipples. They fly straight at the flying creatures.

Hokus Poking [roll0] Wild [roll1]
Damage 1 [roll2]
Damage 2 [roll3]
Damage 3 [roll4]

[gardenphilosoph]

Initiative
Orly - A♥
Wusses - K♥
Kuis - Q♦
Wankers - 3♦

So Orly's go, then the Wusses, then Kuis, then the Wankers. I'll always list it top to bottom, though it's pretty simple - highest to lowest.

[Eguzki]

"Hmm... Let's try that again." And with a wave of his arm and pelvic thrust three more hands pierce out of his nipples and bellybuttons.

[roll0] wild [roll1]
Damage [roll2]
Damage [roll3]
Damage [roll4]

[gardenphilosoph]

The hands fly out at the oncoming wusses, forming little fists and open palms and either punching or slapping the little eyeless things, which each let out a little whelp of pain with each attack.

One of them dissipates into air, destroyed by the attack. The other two are shaken, and confusedly spin in circles, while the last untouched one flies at Orly, not intending to cause physical harm but rather more interested in touching the puppet with the crown.

So one of the wusses is destroyed, two are shaken, and the other goes on to make a Touch attack on Orly.

Spirit - [roll0]
Spirit - [roll1]

Fighting - [roll2]

Usually it'd be a -2 penalty to hit the wusses since they are small targets, but seeing as Orly is equally small, he doesn't suffer that penalty. Kuis would, by the same rules, suffer a harsh -4 penalty to hit the small little guys. Also, it's your turn Kuis, assuming none of the two wusses instantly recover and make an attack.

[gardenphilosoph]

With a small eep one of the shaken wusses recovers and flies at Orly, again focusing solely on the puppet with the crown.

So they are ganging up, and there's two of them, which would add +1 to both their fighting rolls. The other wuss didn't manage to overcome Orly's Parry, and even with the +1, still wouldn't be able to. Maybe this one will.

Fighting - [roll0]

That's a miss too. It's Kuis' turn now.

[storybookknight]

Kuis shakes the fecal matter out of his eyes and bellows in rage. The edges of his vision are blue with blood, and he bursts forward in a sudden charging stab at the nearest target. "I am Kuissatz Hadderack! I do not fear! Fear is the mind-killer, the little death, and I! am the greater death, total obliteration!"

Fightin' attack vs. the nearest wuss (likely an unshaken one), unless he rolls a 1 on his fightin' roll, gets confused, and stabs Orly.
[roll0] [roll1] [roll2]

[gardenphilosoph]

One of the wusses pestering Orly vanishes in cloud of flatulence as it is torn apart by the slashing weight of Kuis' traditional Errorkissian sparx.

The wankers throw more of their grubby flesh, a mixture of fecal matter and city debris, at Kuis.

Throwing - [roll0]
Damage - [roll1], [roll2]

[gardenphilosoph]

First one hit with a raise, so I'm rolling 1d6 bonus damage and adding it to the 7. Kuis' Toughness is 13 at the moment, thanks to berserking.

[roll0]+7

I could've aced with the Throwing die too, but that wouldn't have done any good unless its 1d6 damage per raise, but I don't think that's the case. Crap, didn't even follow my own rule about the acing damage. That might've aced. Probably no, but maybe.

Might as well get Initiative out of the way for next round too.

Initiative
Wankers (2) - K♠
Wusses (2) - 10♠
Orly - 10♦
Kuis - 8♦

[gardenphilosoph]

The wankers, seeing the berserk fury Kuis has gone into, aim a little more carefully, and throw gobs of mud at Kuissatz' unprotected head.

I've realized I've been forgetting some things. They should be getting +2 for your large size. In this case they are aiming for your head which is a +4 damage for aiming at the head.

Throwing 1 - [roll0]-2
Throwing 2 - [roll1]-2

Damage 1 - [roll2]
Damage 2 - [roll3]

The first one hit, and since Kuis' head is unarmored, it's Toughness is only 10, so Kuis is Shaken again.


The wusses, though half in number, continue to mercilessly pester Orly for the puppets, seemingly trying to steal them.

The wusses are making Wild Attacks, so +2 Fighting and -2 Parry, and also they are Touch attacks, because they are not actually trying to hurt Orly, so a further +2 to Fighting.

Fighting 1 - [roll4]
Fighting 2 - [roll5]

Forgot about the +1 ganging up bonus, which makes the first attack a hit! The wuss flies into the puppet with the crown and 'possesses' it so it can fly away next round, taking the puppet with it.

Orly's go now.

[Eguzki]

'Hey what do you want that for? give it back you friggling ball of poo!" Orly plants his vanilla bean in the ground firmly so it can stand on its own. Then with surprising speed a grace climbs up the bean and jumps to catch the puppet out of the little critter's hand.

I'm not sure what i should roll for that

[gardenphilosoph]

The wuss isn't actually holding the puppet, it has flown into it and is flying away, so the puppet is around it's body. In any case, that's a Touch attack, so Fighting+2.

[Eguzki]

Fighting [roll0] +2 Wild [roll1] +2

[gardenphilosoph]

Orly uses his vanilla bean as a pole and bounds up, grabbing the puppet and squeezing the wuss out into the open.

Kuis' go.

[storybookknight]

Throwing all caution to the winds, Kuis aims to pulp another nearby Wuss. Though the missile will likely dissolve upon impact, the arc of Kuis' swing is such that had his target been solid, it would be aiming a line drive directly at the wankers on the rooftops. "Grrragh! Stand and Die!"

Wild Attack, so his parry is effectively.... a -1? vs. a melee wuss? [roll0] [roll1] [roll2] and if there's an ace, [roll3]

[gardenphilosoph]

Seeing that they are beaten, the remaining two wusses fly away, vanishing into the stinks of the night. The wankers disappear out of sight in the rooftops, surely blending in amongst the countless piles of trash.

Kuis actually should've been trying to roll his spirit, since he was shaken.

Also, what do you mean? To hit against a wuss would've been -4 for size, but +2 for berserk and +2 for wild attack, so there'd be no bonus or penalty. Your Parry on the other hand would go from 7 to 3, because of the -2 from berserk and -2 from wild attack. Basically you're super easy to hit, but almost impossible to hurt.

I'll give you guys some chance to roleplay the aftermath of the attack, then I'll teleport you to the Froth at sunrise, if you're okay with that.

[storybookknight]

Kuis shouts into the sky as the wusses and wankers recede, attempting to crawl up the building after them for a few seconds before taking some deep breaths and attempting to calm himself down. With a hop, he releases the building and lands, shaking the earth. "What on Oith were those? I hope the place we're stayin' has a shower or bath or somethin' big enough ta fit me."

[gardenphilosoph]

Sunrise. The Froth.

The Froth gurgles jovially, root beer foaming about and shooting forth in majestic brown spouts, providing a sugar-high carbonated beverage for all that had the foresight to bring their own cups. For those who didn't, unscrupulous but wise merchants made a living renting out mugs and the like around the soda fountain.

Sunrise. There weren't many folk about, save for the occasional early birds and oddballs intent on starting their day before the rest of Floom. Bodul merchants began to unpack their inventories and smelf barbers sharpened their scissors, but in the area of the Froth, there was only one werm other than Kuis. He was tall, gangly, and appeared to be selling slog nuggets and a rather reasonable price. This must be Orble.

[storybookknight]

Kuis stretches himself up to his full height to scan the plaza for their contact, resulting in a momentary eclipse. Upon seeing Orble, Kuis walks over. "Slog nuggets, eh? They any good?" he asks in a booming basso rumble.

[gardenphilosoph]

Orble turns to you, and gazes up. And up. "Hey there, big 'un. Try them for yourself!" he shouts jovially, tossing you a small lump. It smells quite nice and has a crispy breaded coating.

Orly leaps up on his tall withered vanilla bean, balancing himself precariously to bring himself up to about your shoulder in height. He gets tossed a slog nugget as well, and eats it quickly, chewing it awkwardly with his dolphin-mouth.

Make a Notice roll.

Eguzki is away until the 22nd, so I'll play Orly until then. Here is his Notice roll.

Notice - [roll0], [roll1]

[storybookknight]

Kuis pops the nugget into his mouth. "Not too bad... kind of like some fried cheese-eater I had, once."

[roll0] [roll1]

[gardenphilosoph]

Kuis recognizes the werm vendor. He was seated in one of the front rows, during the puppet show.

[storybookknight]

Kuis eyes the vendor. "Say, I heard that this was a good place to see the theatre, but so far I haven't seen anything very good. You look like the arty type... got any recommendations?"

[gardenphilosoph]

"Sayy....aren't you the two that saved Fozzle from that cremefil?" His tone suddenly becomes downcast.

[storybookknight]

Kuis shrugs. "I Saved someone from the guy savin' the audience from a bad puppet show, but I didn't catch his name. What's it to ya?"

[Eguzki]

Orly seems slightly dazed as the two worms talk. He simply stands there swaying back and forth on his vanilla bean looking off in the distance. He had never been one for early mornings and always took a him some time and some food to achieve focus.

[gardenphilosoph]

"Such a shame. Fozzle...he was frizzled by an assassin during the night. Dirty 'sassin too, they found chunks of mud and filthy shiz stuck all over his body.

His funeral is takin' place later today, in the fungus fields holewhence from here. You two should come, as his would-be saviours. Be an honour." invites the slog nugget vendor politely, nodding his head.

[Eguzki]

Orly snaps back from his dazed absentmindedness and stares right at the smaller of the two werms. "A funeral? I'd love to go. I always friggled funerals. Tell me will he be rolled in dung friggle for all the guests to enjoy or is he going to be friggled to gorgled?"