The Adventures of Alice Amnheim

[Dr.Epic]

You sit at a rather long table. Much food is brought in. It it quite an elegant meal considering you're in the middle of nowhere. There's a broad array of meat brought in: turkey, beef, chicken, boar, a couple types of fish. You are also served with vegetables and the rarest and most acclaimed sorts of wines. The silverware mimics the prestige of the food. Most of the dishes and utensils are made of gold and silver. The meal you ate last night as a prisoner fails in comparison to the one you're eating right now. You're not sure how many times in you're life you've had such an impressive meal and the fact you're in the desert makes it more amazing.

Ivan joins you for your meal as well as seven other orcs also wearing impressive armor and robes signifying their high rank. Across from you is Ivan and behind him standing is Dench. Two orcs sit on either side of you. One is entirely covered in armor and is short (at least for an orc) and is also a little pudgy. The other is also dressed armor (though not as much as everyone else save the two orcs wearing robes) and he has a long goatee.

You all eat and soon all the food on the table is almost gone. Orcs sure can eat but given their size and muscle mass it really isn't that surprising. Every orc maintains a sense of manners as they devoured the massive sums of meat before you. Only Dench, who eats only a leg of turkey and onion, seems to restrain himself. After the meal Ivan says to you "I hope you have rather enjoyed your meal. I hope it makes up for any hostilities there were between us. Traveling in this part of the world, it, must be refreshing to eat so well. But if I may change subjects I like to discuss the business we have in these lands with you."

[RJ45]

All sorts of fish. Meat of her wildest dreams. Vegetables that don't grow here. She shovels as much of everything as she can in her mouth, snorting and gobbling everything as fast as possible - because there's so much. The food is almost gone because she inhaled it all. Juices and saliva go shooting across the room in every direction, causing a horrible mess as she devours everything - you swear, even a piece of the table is missing, including a couple utensils.

"Yeah it's mmmph-okay, just don't -munch munch- throw any more spears at me." Pieces of beef go flying across the table - somehow, the test had failed. A demon is definitely seated at this table. A food demon. This is the most unfeminine woman in all the lands - even an ogre who was trying to be disgusting couldn't compare. Her eyes travel to the food on the goatee-orcs plate. "You gonna eat that?" she asks, pointing at a particularly juicy piece of meat.

The horror is so quick and scarring, it ends before you have time to think about it. She pats her stomach, stuffed. She's silent, staring at Ivan. Ready for discussion now.

Oh! - but mind your manners, she uses a napkin and wipes her mouth when she's done eating.

[Dr.Epic]

"Firstly," Ivan says, "I think introductions are in order. I am Colonel Ivan, but I am sure you've heard my name mentioned at least once by one of my men or another. Please, tell, what is you name, where do you come from, why have you ventured to these barren regions?"

[RJ45]

"Alice Amnheim." she tells him, wiping her greasy hand on her dress and reaching into one of her pockets, pulling out a map. She unravels it and shows him where she walked across, up to the island. Her goal. "I was going here to gather rare, exotic herbs. I also thought I would learn alchemy from other parts of the world. Also, I hear Dreamseed grows in the desert, so I thought I would try and gather some."

She continues to gnaw on whatever food is left around. "But i'm not heartless - I might be able to help you fight off this evil. I'm not very good at it, though." She should practice more, but honestly it's really time consuming, and she would rather perform alchemy. Besides, not many employers hire people based on their evil-fighting ability.

"Now, what foul magic is at work here?!"

[Dr.Epic]

"Well Alice," Ivan says, "Our enemy is the dark Lord Demamor. We have tracked his lair to a remote spot in this dessert not less than 10 miles from our current encampment. What evil deeds he is up, we are not entirely sure. All we know for certain is that he is in league with fiends from the lower planes and is somehow involved with the slave trade. Our goal is to infiltrate his lair, cease any malevolent actions he is currently involved in, and bring him and his minions to justice. I, Colonel Ivan, or Ivan the Brave as I commonly referred as, have been appointed by the very rulers of the Holy Order of Benevolent Orcs to stop Lord Demamor. I've been given seven score of men. Of them, the men currently seated at this table are part of my war council, each highly skilled in their field and each a high ranking member in the order." Ivan tells you the name of each member:

Tygrant the Fast: He's a medium sized orc dressed in full plate armor except for his head which only has a leather cap. Across is back is quiver almost overstuffed with arrows. He also has a bow. His weapons look as though they could be magical. His rank is Captain and he is skilled with a bow.

Vuldont the Light: An extremely hair orc, most of his head is concealed in a layer of hair. He wears a purple robe. He is a skilled caster and is rank is Lt. Colonel.

Brodent the Fierce: This orc is also dressed in heavy armor. His head is shaved and his chin unshaven though he doesn't have a heavy beard. He has a large battle axe at his side. A blue cloak hangs from his back. He is a skilled fighter and his rank is Commandant.

Drobent the Force: He looks very much like Brodent except he has a large warhammer instead of an axe and his cloak is green. His rank is also Commandant and he is a fighter.

Clammort the Adamant: This is the short orc sitting next to you. He has several knives and short swords hanging from his beat. A very large great sword hangs from his back. His rank is Lt. Colonel and he too is a fighter.

Grimgjor the Cloak: This is the other orc sitting next to you. He only wears a chainmail shirt. Two short swords hang at his belt and he has a large crossbow. His rank is Lieutenant and he is a tracker and woodsman.

Nacvord the Dank: This is the other orc wearing a robe. It is a dark shade of green. One each finger is an impressive looking ring and you notice that on his right hand he has no pinky but only a scar of where one once was. He is bald and has a short beard. Of everyone here, he looks the oldest. His rank is Captain and he is specialized in magic.

Dench the Helper: He is apparently Ivan's body guard and half brother. Other than being the largest, most muscle-covered, and most intimidating orc you've every seen, the only thin noticeable about him is his high pitched voice.

[RJ45]

She can't help but feel a little insignificant as she looks around the room. These are all brave, strong orcs. They can probably do anything better than her - even alchemy! What's more, they have fancy weapons and strong armor. Still, she'd have to defeat this evil lord. He's evil, and it's the right thing to do. Just because.

They also have titles - and if she's not careful, they'll give her something bad. "Alice the Dumb, Plump Person who can't do anything right, ever. Seriously, I saw it myself." Alright, maybe that's a bit long.

"So, how can I help? I'm not exactly prepared to go on any journey where I have to fight something." She stands, spreading her arms, showing her robes. There's nothing more than herbs, a couple tools, and a few potions. Maybe she can heal them to death with her potions.

She begins to think over her words. Telling these warriors that have fought demons the size of castles with their bare hands that she's not ready to fight evil. She begins to feel a little intimidated.

Actually, it's just Vuldont. His purple robes put hers to shame.

[Dr.Epic]

Ivan says "Nothing like that. We only ask that you aide us in an espionage plan. This goblin we have, you know him. He seems to be under the impression you're his...well, his mount. He also appears to known a way into Demamor's castle. Should we continue to play along with this scheme we might be able to convince him to show us a passage in. From there, we can execute a stealth mission, open the gates and assassinate Demamor. What say you?"

[RJ45]

"I don't know him. I slept in a cave and woke up being called a mount, because of my ears." She moves her hand up to her head, scrubbing at her ears. They're nice when it's cold and when you need to hear something - other than that, normal human ears would have made her life so much easier. "I can help, but i'd rather not burn my hands and feet in the desert sand." Without a doubt, the goblin will want to ride her.

[Dr.Epic]

"I'm sure it won't come to that. This goblin isn't exactly a super genius. I'm sure we can come up with something that will make him think he's in command and let you keep your dignity."

[RJ45]

"Alright, but, you know there must be another entrance now - surely based on this alone, you'll be able to figure out where the entrance could possibly be? I mean, you're the Holy Order of Benevolent Orcs. I'm sure you know this land from bottom to top." Or so she would hope.

[Dr.Epic]

"Do you think we haven't been looking for other means to enter the fortress?" Nacvord interrupts. "We've been stationed in this spot for nearly two weeks looking for an secret passage. We cannot try a direct assault. With no siege weapons, we'd be cut down in no time. But if this goblin has found a secret way in, he may very well be our best chance to take down Lord Demamor."

[RJ45]

Better not voice protest - two weeks? That's not long at all. As much as she'd like to argue over entering someones home and murdering them because they are "evil", she doesn't want another spear thrown at her. So, she gulps, and slams her fist into the table.

"Every second we wait is another moment he can perform evil! Let us embark on our mission of righteousness!" She thrusts her arm into the air, prepared to leave immediately on this journey!

[Dr.Epic]

"Not so fast," Ivan says. "We can not go storming into this mission. Firstly, we still need to convince the goblin to show us the secret passage. Second, our troops need to know the plan. Our best bet to set out before dawn under cover of darkness so as to receive the best advantage. You'd best calm down and wait. We'll depart for know and resume talks of our plan later at supper. Alice, you are free to roam about the camp and do as you please. Just be back here a little bit before sunset."

[RJ45]

"Okay! Before sunset." She leaves the tent. Well, roam. Wait. She can't do that. First, she needs a weapon. What, is she going to punch evil to death? She looks for a store. A weapon store. Hopefully there's something she can use, and not just five-handed axes that have enough weight on them to divide the heavens in a single sweep. She looks up into the sky: what time could it be? Noon?

So much to do, and not enough time to do it all.

[Dr.Epic]

Weapon tent: that isn't too hard to find. The loud sound of hammers hitting steel rings throughout the encampment. You see in the tent an orc preparing a sword. The tent is filled with several swords, axes, polearms, and all sorts of armor.

[RJ45]

She walks inside, looking at the fine assortment of weapons. As she walks by, she judges them. Swords? "Too heavy." Daggers? "Too... close to use." Maces? "Definitely too heavy." Polearm? "Too... defenseless." Armor? "I'll fall over to the wind." Bow? "I can barely throw a rock straight." So, she thinks.

"Say, you wouldn't happen to have anything that defeats evil without moving your fingers, would you? Or maybe, like, a swordspearshield. It can't weigh a lot either."

[Dr.Epic]

"Ah!" The orc blacksmith jumps upon noticing you've entered the shop. The loud sound of his hammer and anvil cloaked the sound of your movement. "Um yes let me see. I think I might have an item." He rises displaying his full orc height making you feel small as me now towers above you. He walks over to a large pile of shields, armor, weapons, and just general metal scraps. He digs around for about a minute when he pulls out something that appears to be a shield a foot in diameter with a nozzle jutting from the center. The other side has a series of clockwork mechanisms and gadgets your unfamiliar with. There's also a gauntlet for you arm so slide into, a strap for your arm, and a handle.

"This here's my shooting shield. I picked up the design from some gnomish mechanists. The idea is you can fire crossbow bolts from it. The orcs didn't like it because it requires two hands to use and felt a normal shield and crossbow could do an equally good job."

[RJ45]

"What? No - this is brilliant. You can be defended while shooting. But the real power of this object can only be revealed if you have two of them, I would think." She fits the shieldcrossbow on her arm. "If you had two of them, that would be equal to having two shields and two crossbows. You would need four arms to do that, but like this, you only need two!" She waves her arm around a tiny bit. Despite the foreign gears inside the device, she likes it already. It's light enough to fit perfectly as well.

By now, she's used to feeling tiny around orcs. "You wouldn't happen to have a second one, would you?"

[Dr.Epic]

"No, no, no," the blacksmith interrupts. "The design requires the use of both hands. Here let me show you." He points to various parts of the device as he talks.

"This slot here is where the bolt goes. You have to pull it out with your free, slide the bolt in there, and then push the slot back into the nozzle. Then, you see this trigger here (he points)? This is what you switch to fire the bolt. You have to move it with your free hand. I also recommend holding the handle with your free hand when you do it. There's a little kick to it when the bolt flies out. The use of both hand will help keep your balance. That's why the trigger is built so close to the other handle."

"I recommend taking it out back to the shooting range and trying it out first." He point to an opening it the rear of the tent. You hear arrows flying through the air through there.

[RJ45]

"Oh. I get it now. Still seems better than having a crossbow in one hand and a shield in the other. I'll give it a shot." She peeks through the tent. Orcs properly using bows. Well, how hard could it be to operate this thing? She finds her own little spot to shoot from, trying to aim the shield. That's an interesting challenge - it's a round object. There's nothing to help guide it. At least with a regular crossbow, you can see the bolt and roughly guess.

"Here goes nothing." She squeezes the trigger. Nothing happens. "Wait, huh?" She squeezes it again. It feels... stuck. She knocks her other palm against it, maybe that would work. With the shield still aimed, she moves her other hand up to scratch her head, confused. "I did what I was supposed to do... why won't it wo-" The sound of the mechanism activating fills the tent with a "clank" sound, shortly followed by a squeak. The object flies back and hits her right in the chest. She coughs, leaning on the closest object for support.

Through raw luck, the bolt managed to hit a target straight-on. A perfect shot. She also made a perfect shot on her lungs, as she's still coughing. Maybe these weapons weren't for her. She should just learn something like magic where she says words and things blow up. Don't ask why. It's magic - you don't have to explain anything.

[Dr.Epic]

You bolt flies through the air and completely misses the target. You land on the ground and are covered in sand. An orc approaches you and asks if you need assistance firing that weapon.

[RJ45]

A perfect shot on a perfect non-existent target. "Just a second." She grabs a bolt, stuffing it inside the thing and expecting it to magically work. She can't even reload the shieldbowcontraption. A couple seconds of useless fiddling later, and she just pulls the bolt out. As much as she wants to seem knowledgeable in this field, she isn't. "Umm. Yes. How do I use it?"

[Dr.Epic]

The orc helps you up. He is slender and wear full plate. He has a purple cloak, great sword, quiver, long bow, and shield. He stands behind you. He gestures as where you hands and feet stance should be when firing this device. "Now when you hit this switch here, you have to put most of you weight on your back foot and hold on to the side handle for support."

[RJ45]

"So -that's- what the handle is for. I get it now." She assumes the same stance as him, pulling on that trigger again. Nothing happens, because she forgot to reload. She nervously looks up again. Sigh. It makes her feel pathetic. Something occurs to her. Something completely unrelated to the topic at hand. She turns her attention to the orc.

"Don't you get tired of wearing that armor? I see a lot of orcs walking around in it all the time like it's just fun to wear."

[Dr.Epic]

"We're preparing for battle. We about to siege a large fortress and must ever be on the look out for enemy attacks."

[RJ45]

"Still. You're not sieging anything right now. It's not like a stray arrow or bolt from some faraway battle is going to conveniently fly out of nowhere and hit you right now, and because of wearing that armor you survive."

[Dr.Epic]

ooc: Sorry about the long post delay. Midterms and all.

"Well yeah, but we have to be accustom to wearing armor in battle and the best way to do that is to train in them all the time so the weight feels like nothing even if that means doing everything in armor: walking in armor, spare in armor, eat in armor, sleep in armor, handle powerful magnets in armor, file one's taxes in armor.* Everything in armor."

*The last two example are meant to be jokes if you can't tell so don't take them too seriously (though that could make for some funny dialogue if you do).

[RJ45]

Everything. In armor. Occasionally she seems like she's going to ask a question to verify his statement, but each time decides against it. "If you do everything in armor every day, I bet if you took it off you could fly." In the meantime, she's focused on him - how would he remove the magnet? Unless... the magnets would have to be a part of every piece of armor, to convey rank! - or something of the sort. After looking over the armor, she realizes something: she's going to be going towards some sort of... demonic castle. She should probably be ready - I mean, this shieldcrossbow wasn't for decoration. She should draw pretty things on it, but not right now.

"Dearest me, I have to prepare to leave!" Everything needed to be gathered before the time they would meet. So, she quickly scampers off back to the place she got the shieldcrossbow, sand in her clothes. By now, it's easy to ignore. It's almost comfortable, in a sort of way. Except for the itching. As soon as she arrives at the weapon tent, she demands one thing.

"I need two coins with two sides, and each side needs the number twenty inscribed on it. Or some dice. But it's important that the number twenty is on every side."

(OOC: I thought this story was supposed to be humor based - it is, right?)