I need some help =(

[Moonshadow]

Okay, I'm having problems at home, and they're really stressing me out a lot.

First up, my brother.

My brother is 18. I'm 22. I have a full time job, he studies part time, like 2 days a week. The rest of the time, he stays home.

He is, and has been in the habit of raiding my room for any of my things that he fancies for years now. Its really starting to annoy me, because I go into my room and find half my stuff missing. I've tried yelling at him, I've tried just taking it back, I've tried talking to him civily and asking him nicely if he has it. Nothing works. You try and talk to him, and he gets very angry and just storms back into his room and slams the door, and makes everyones life hell.

I, of course, get yelled at for making him grumpy. I try to be the bigger man, and sort things out, and I get nowhere. Nothing I try works. I can't even talk to my parents about it, they're sick of it.

Right, the second problem is my mother.

My mother is inbetween jobs at the moment. I work with my father in a warehouse, and sometimes she worked there too when there was a need. She informs me today (rather nastily, I might add) that I am the reason that she no longer wishes to work there. Because I apparantly treat her like a second class citizen. Which, ironically, is the exact same way I felt about working with her, because thats how she treated me.

At work, I am not my dads son, he is my boss, and I am his worker. When my mother there, she was his worker too, yet she still seemed to act like she was better than me, because she's my mother. I have been working there for over a year now. I know how to do my job, I know how to do it efficiently, I don't need my mother trying to tell me how to do things, that is what my dad is for, and he was not telling me to do things differently.

I also cannot go to my parents for help of any kind. I do not feel comfortable doing so. I have not felt like I was able to since I was 12. Any time I ever try these days, they get angry at me, and tell me to sort things out on my own, my mother moreso than my dad.

I understand that probably the best solution to everything is to move out. That is a long term solution, but also not one I can just pick up and run with right now, lest I would. I need some short term solutions, just to try and give me a modicum of sanity in my life (apart from my girlfriend) until I can finally manage to move out.

Please help, this is very stressful, and I'm at my wits end =(

[Dallas-Dakota]

Get a lock on your door?

You probably already thought of it but...Seems like the most simple and efficient solution towards dealing with your brother.

[Bhu]

There is a small part of me thats says kick the living dog poop out of your brother, but thats counter productive and would worsen things. How long till you could move out if you really saved up? It sounds like your best answer.

Locks might not be the best answer. They only keep out honest people:

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/lock-bumping.shtml

[Serpentine]

Only thing I can suggest is get some sort of lock for your door. Do your parents own the house? If so, best to get their permission first ('specially if it involves drilling into the doorframe), stating plainly that the reason you "make your brother grumpy" is because he keeps entering your room without permission, that you have been unable to prevent him from doing so, and that this is your last recourse.

'sall I've got. Although, to be honest, I think you may have been a bit harsh with your mother in the working situation. Regardless of your working relationship with your father, she's your mother and it's very hard to shake an "I'm the boss of you" attitude. Of course it wasn't a fair attitude to have in that situation, but it may not have been a particularly concious one which could have made your coldness and insolent attitude (surmised from your poast) very hurtful.

[Moonshadow]

Locks are out of the question, I've been asking for one since I was like, 12 years old, and the answer will be forever no.


And I don't think it was exactly coldness on my part... more that I've been doing the job for a year +, so I have at least a vague idea of what I'm doing. I could have been a bit nicer when I was fixing up her mistakes I guess, but I get grilled if things aren't done effciently and speedily, and as basically the grunt worker, any problems that happens are basically mine to fix up, so I was just trying to save myself from having to do more work in the long run.

It also doesn't help that my parents seem to have no respect for me at all, and that really rubs me the wrong way. I do respect them a great deal, but I'd also like to think that what I know how to do, I can at least do competently, and treating me like I'm a child still isn't going to make me very happy.

[Kobold-Bard]

Any chance of finding work elsewhere? This would help with your mother feeling like she does when she works at your dad's place.

[Hazkali]

Do you have the option to move out? Perhaps you could band together with a couple of friends and rent somewhere. It'd probably be a step-down in terms of comfort, but it would be independent and away from your brother.

Also- do you pay any rent/housekeeping to your parents, and do you do your share of the household chores? If you do, I would use that as a basis to press for a lock on your door. If you don't, I would suggest you start doing so as a sign that you are no longer their dependent.

[Extra_Crispy]

I cant give much advice as I have never been in a situation even close to those. My parents and I have a much different relationship then you and yours. But I have taken some pschology classes for nursing, so...

As to your brother one day at dinner or somthing state planely and evenly with no anger or other bad tones that you are very tired and upset with him entering your room, and if your parents will not let you put a lock on the door then it is their responsibility to stop your brother from taking your stuff (you have tried and it has not worked) and if they can not do that even then you will find another solution that they may not like but it will be stoped one way or another.

Then I would start doing other stuff like traps that leave lasting marks on your brother when he enters your room or takes stuff. Paint above the door frame etc, Prooving he is not listening to you or them and still is entering your room. If that still does not work get meaner, start with pepper spray or such. If your parents get mad, tell them you said you were going to stop it if they didnt.

I am not in your situation and dont really know how your parents will react to that so it may backfire so use that with caution.

As to your mother, they only thing you can really do is appologize. In instances like that you will ALLWAYS be the kid and her the mother. No matter what she is going to think she knows more and is thus able and should tell you what to do. Not exactly like your situation but after my accident my parents bought me a HUGE older car I refered to it as the tank as it was. Parents are very protective of children (usually) think they know best when in the same job and most of the time dont realize when their kid is grown and does not need their help. If she is upset the only thing you can do is appologize, let it sit for a while, then try to talk to her about what exactly happened. What did you do that caused her to feel that way, then try to explain logically, honstly, and completely straight forward with no anger in your voice your feelings. How she made you feel the same way, why, what she did etc. Finally that you did not mean to make your mother feel that way but you are 22 and an adult, you respect your parents (right?) and they should respect you as an adult able to do what needs to be done and they should treat you that way. (as long as that is true)

[llamamushroom]

Locks are out of the question, I've been asking for one since I was like, 12 years old, and the answer will be forever no.

Might I suggest putting your stuff in cabinets/wardrobes/pirate chests and locking those? Or would they let you get a guard dog? :smallwink:

Really, though, all I can offer is my support. You seem like a fairly rational person, so I get the feeling that the decision you make will be a good one. If not, have a severe accident, and get the sympathy vote. :smalltongue:

But anyway, *hugs* for Naoto.

[Moonshadow]

So, I've tried asking twice tonight for some of my stuff back from my brother, speaking quite calmly with no anger in my voice. I happen to know he /does/ have it, as he left his door open and I saw it on his floor, yet he continues to get angry and deny having it.

Is there anything I can do? =/

[Player_Zero]

Your brother's an idiot. Unfortunately, you can't force him to grow up and stop being such an infant.

[rakkoon]

I agree...he's acting like jerk.
If talking doesn't help
And pepperspray is a bit too harsh.
All you can do is talk to your parents again, in a calm voice in a quiet moment.

Otherwise I see no solution but a steel door and fingerprint identification.

[Dallas-Dakota]

If that all doesn't work. Stop taking the high route.
Take your stuff back.

[Kobold-Bard]

For pettiness options, steal his stuff then force him to trade.

[Jack Squat]

So, I've tried asking twice tonight for some of my stuff back from my brother, speaking quite calmly with no anger in my voice. I happen to know he /does/ have it, as he left his door open and I saw it on his floor, yet he continues to get angry and deny having it.

Is there anything I can do? =/

Barge in there, take it back, and yell at him. IMO, he does this because he feels he's getting away with it.

As far as the lock on your door...why not just put one on there anyways? It's come to the point where you can definitively argue that you're protecting your belongings.

Also, get proactive on moving into an apartment.

[OverdrivePrime]

Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to change your family unless they want to change, and it sounds like that's absolutely not the case.

You can only affect yourself and your own situation. Beating the tar out of your brother won't help. Family talks clearly won't help. The only one willing to change is you.

So. What can you change to stop this? You're 22, and you've got a steady job that it sounds like you're good at. What's preventing you from getting a crappy low-rent apartment? Just some shack or a studio apartment or whatever, or if possible, some place you and some friends can rent together. This is good for a lot of things - you show independence, you get experience living on your own (it's gotta happen some time! :smallsmile:), and hopefully you finally get some well-deserved sanity and privacy.

You'd be amazed at how easy it is to live comfortably with just a junk-picked couch, a blanket or two, and a steady diet of peanut butter and ramen.

If your area is devoid of inexpensive apartments, there's got to be some way to secure your stuff, if you can't secure your room. Maybe get a couple zip-up wardrobes (http://www.ecrater.com/product.php?pid=4164084) and put padlocks through the zipper holes. That's what they're designed for. Yeah, it's extra hassle, and it means that you've got to keep your room clean and contained in those, but at least then you're clearly securing your stuff. If some day you find the fabric slashed open and your stuff has been ganked, you can make a strong case to your parents that this bull$#%& has to stop.

I'm not sure if you have a car, but if you do, you can always try just stashing your more valuable stuff in your trunk. Or maybe just living out of your car entirely. It worked for my parents for a year, and they turned out fine. Ish. :smallwink:

As far as dealing with your mom, I really don't know. Your mom is an authority, even if she doesn't outrank you at your job. That's why I tend to feel that it's so unhealthy for family members to work together. It's very difficult to separate one world from another. Your dad sounds like a good-hearted fellow, even if he's useless with helping you with your problems at home. Can he help you find a job at a different company? What sort of work do you do? Is it something that you could transfer over to a different industry? I really think that you need to break away from this unhealthy family environment.

Good luck, Naoto, you've got a hard road to walk before it gets better, I think.

[Player_Zero]

Good luck, Player_Zero, you've got a hard road to walk before it gets better, I think.

As much of an imposing figure as I am, you got the wrong man, man.

[OverdrivePrime]

As much of an imposing figure as I am, you got the wrong man, man.

:smallbiggrin: Or do I?

Yeah, oops. Grabbed the wrong username. :smallredface:

[Bhu]

I hesitate to say this as it will open up a possible storm (especially if you try it) but...does the law where you live allow you to sue him? Could you maybe put a hidden camera in the room, tape your brother stealing, and then have the law take care of what your parents won't?

[potatocubed]

Also, get proactive on moving into an apartment.

This is about the best advice you're going to get. Moving out is a long-term goal, sure, but the sooner you get started on it the sooner you'll be in a better situation.

[sihnfahl]

I have to agree with what OverdrivePrime says. Accelerate moving out.

Where does your GF live? With her parents, or in her own place?

[YorickBrown]

1) go into his room and get your own stuff back. do not take or touch anything that is not yours. if any negative repercussions come back because of this from your parents, then move straight to #3 on my list

2) purchase a lockbox/chest/etc to store your own stuff.

3) start looking for places to live on your own. if you have friends in the area start asking if anyone is looking to get a roommate or find a new place to live. i don't mean this to sound harsh, but you're 22 years old and it is time to start living on your own away from your parents.



what does your father say about the situation? it seems to me like your mom is taking your little brother's side in the matter, but your dad is not a part of the conversation...

best of luck with your situation

[CrimsonAngel]

Carry a metal bat and matches around with you. Oh, and wear a leather jacket. Eeeeveryone looks tougher in a jacket, leather or otherwise.

[RandomNPC]

Your brother steals because he has no fear of repercussion, and has no qualms with stealing to begin with. If you do not make him fear the situation you have to make it far to difficult to steal.

If the value of the stolen items is high enough, call the cops.

I would get a lock anyway, it is to defend your things, this is something I feel strongly about. Who cares what your parents say, it's your stuf not theirs.

If the lock doesn't work, or you don't want to get one and cause that drama, you can either set traps, fight him yourself, lock up your things but not your door, or get your things out of the house, either by living out of your car or moving out.

I sugest a mediator, someone who knows the family but isn't going to take sides, to help talk it over, however I'd personally jump straight to the lock, sarting a physical fight over obviously stolen possession before anyone noticed the lock was installed.

[Moonshadow]

Like I said, moving out is the long term goal, but it will take a while due to me having to get a new job/replenish my savings/attempt to find people to move in with, because none of my friends will, and my girlfriend and I aren't ready to move in together.

The lockbox/chest/whatever is the short term solution, once I can find one. Then, even if I have to steal my stuff back (which I probably will) I'll just lock it in there and not let him use it ever.

I'm really sick of trying to find something, and finding out he has it yet again =(

[Solaris]

Barge in there, take it back, and yell at him. IMO, he does this because he feels he's getting away with it.

As far as the lock on your door...why not just put one on there anyways? It's come to the point where you can definitively argue that you're protecting your belongings.

Also, get proactive on moving into an apartment.

This. Naoto, you're twenty-two, same age as I am. I've already held a steady job for three years and have been living on my own for the same. I moved out at age eighteen with nothing but the clothes on my back and a thousand dollars in the bank, and had to stay with friends for a year. I'm tracking that you're having to replenish your savings, but I'm betting your parents are tired of you living with them for four years past the expiration date. Ask them to help you save money to get an apartment.


I hesitate to say this as it will open up a possible storm (especially if you try it) but...does the law where you live allow you to sue him? Could you maybe put a hidden camera in the room, tape your brother stealing, and then have the law take care of what your parents won't?

This can only end in tears. I wouldn't advise it.
I would, however, advise taking your stuff back. You're both adults and past the age where your parents have anything resembling real control over you. My brother got into stealing at one point, and the only way we got him to cut it out was pretty much cutting him from the entire family. We'd let him know in no uncertain terms that we weren't putting up with it anymore, and then we followed through. Start with you.

[Zeb The Troll]

I hesitate to say this as it will open up a possible storm (especially if you try it) but...does the law where you live allow you to sue him? Could you maybe put a hidden camera in the room, tape your brother stealing, and then have the law take care of what your parents won't?
This can only end in tears. I wouldn't advise it.While getting the law involved would probably end poorly for everyone involved, having hard evidence to show the parents of younger sibling's intrusions could only help to convince them that he's mucking around where he shouldn't be. "See, dad? I'm not just saying these things to get on his bad side, or yours. He's STEALING from me! This is not the kind of person you raised us to be."

On the other hand, you're not a fledgling anymore. Time to spread those wings, young man! :smallcool:

[THAC0]

I would get a lock anyway, it is to defend your things, this is something I feel strongly about. Who cares what your parents say, it's your stuf not theirs.

Only if it is a lock on, say, a box you've purchased to keep your belongings in. A lock on the door would not be appropriate, since the house itself belongs to your parents.

That said, if I were in your situation, I would do the following.

1) Bend a little at work regarding your mother. She is your mother, after all. Deal with it, or find a new job. Long term I'd recommend the latter, since working for/with family often ends poorly, but this is less immediate than the next items on my list.

2) Take your things back. Don't yell, set traps, pepper spray, sue, or any other of the somewhat ridiculous things previously mentioned in this thread. You need to be the bigger person. Take your stuff back, buy some locking containers and store your stuff in there while you work on number 3.

3) As everyone else has said, making moving out your priority.

[LemonSkye]

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. I've been dealing with the "younger sibling treats your stuff as communal property" and the "can't go to parents for any help" problems for years. Luckily for me, I ended up being so geeky that my sisters don't want to be caught dead with any of my stuff, so that solved that problem. :smallwink:

First up, your brother. In addition to the lockboxes, I would suggest trying to keep your valuables and such stashed at a friend's house. That way, he has no access to them whatsoever. You could also try keeping your room such a mess that there's no way he'd be able to find anything, but then your parents might be even less happy with you.

As for the second, I know you've said it's a long-term goal, but I'm going to have to echo the choir here. You need to find a different job and move out of your parents' house. If it wouldn't be stretching yourself too thin, try picking up a second part-time job so you can build your savings. I'd say try to spend as little time at home as possible, but with your brother acting the way he is that may not be wise. :smallfrown:

[Escef]

Your mother and brother are defective in the head. Your dad's content to just put up with it. Get out.

[RandomNPC]

Your mother and brother are defective in the head. Your dad's content to just put up with it. Get out.

this is full of truth, outside of the actual actions to be taken and in what order, this is all you need to know. Also this will sound cold, but don't be like your parents.

[Acanous]

Pepper spray is a bit overkill. Paint makes your room stinky and gets all over your stuff.

Here's a good way to keep people out of your room:

Go to your local gaming/hobby shop. Buy a bunch of D4's. The Pyramid kind. Get them in metal if you can. You'll need about a pound of 'em.

Conventional vacuums can't handle picking up D4's. Scatter them in a semicircle around the door. Leave a spot big enough so the door can open without contacting a D4.

Stepping on D4's is painful and a little shocking, but leaves few if any visable marks. Having them hidden in the carpet, or the same colour as the tile in your room...

But yeah. Move out. Get a lock.
If you haven't got your mom trained by this point, I'd suggest taking her to a training camp.

[_Zoot_]

Now I really am not sure if this is the best advice that you could listen to, but have you tried beating the ever living crap out of your brother? Because to me he sounds like an irritating little wriggler that lies through his teeth just because he can and he may stop this if he suddenly finds that you are ready to defend your stuff.

But then again doing this can lead to a whole threads worth of other problems....

[Solaris]

Now I really am not sure if this is the best advice that you could listen to, but have you tried beating the ever living crap out of your brother? Because to me he sounds like an irritating little wriggler that lies through his teeth just because he can and he may stop this if he suddenly finds that you are ready to defend your stuff.

But then again doing this can lead to a whole threads worth of other problems....

Wait, wait, wait, there are people who don't beat the ever loving crap out of their little brothers? Mine credits his being his battalion's hand-to-hand champion and unusual resistance to being choked to growing up with me.

[Moonshadow]

I can't get my parents to help me save. My dad is the only one working at the moment, so money is tight.

My mother does't work with my dad and I anymore, she refuses to. As for relaxing around her, perhaps, but I have been doing that job for over a year now, probably closer to 2. I do know some basic things about it, one would hope.

I don't have any savings. Working on that right now, but I do have to pay board and things. Don't have a car either, so that kinda limits me too.

Can't try beating up on my brother, either. Punched him in the back of the head once, when I got really pissed off with him, and he pulled a knife on me. A rather large one. Not willing to risk serious injury to beat the crap out of him, as much as I'd like to.

[THAC0]

I can't get my parents to help me save. My dad is the only one working at the moment, so money is tight.


You're 22, why would they be helping you save?

You need to take a long, hard look at your budget. You need to figure out exactly where all of your money is going and figure out what non-necessities (and I mean that in the harshest sense possible) you can eliminate in order to start saving.

[Escef]

Can't try beating up on my brother, either. Punched him in the back of the head once, when I got really pissed off with him, and he pulled a knife on me. A rather large one. Not willing to risk serious injury to beat the crap out of him, as much as I'd like to.

I was living with my mom, both my brothers, and my younger bro's girlfriend. After my younger bro's girl attacked me I decided to get out. I ran up debts to get out, because I didn't feel safe in my own home. Seriously, get the hell out of that house, ASAP.

[Solaris]

Can't try beating up on my brother, either. Punched him in the back of the head once, when I got really pissed off with him, and he pulled a knife on me. A rather large one. Not willing to risk serious injury to beat the crap out of him, as much as I'd like to.

Yet another instance of me wishing I was hanging out with y'all in person instead of on the interwebs. Kids who're hot to draw knives don't generally expect someone who can take their precious blades away from them in a fight. 'Cause seriously, if my brother would've drawn a knife on me the cops and an ambulance would've come. It wouldn't have been for me.
That said, this kid's sounding more and more sociopathic. Exfiltrate immediately.


You're 22, why would they be helping you save?

Because it's the plan that all of my step-siblings required to get out on their own. I'd recommended it to him earlier in the thread.

I hate to recommend the military 'cause it feels like selling my soul, but have you looked into it? It's a slim bet - some three percent of the population is fit to serve, and less than a percent actually do. A lot of guys in the Army hit rock bottom before joining, come to think of it.

[Escef]

I hate to recommend the military 'cause it feels like selling my soul, but have you looked into it?

I'd recommend looking into it, too. It's an honorable profession, and depending upon your home, one with a lot of benefits. Hell, have you looked at the post-9/11 GI Bill? It's not bad.

[_Zoot_]

Can't try beating up on my brother, either. Punched him in the back of the head once, when I got really pissed off with him, and he pulled a knife on me. A rather large one. Not willing to risk serious injury to beat the crap out of him, as much as I'd like to.

Well....er.....um....

This is not a good sign. Now I'm firmly in the LEAVE ASAP, have you got friends that you could crash with wile you work up savings to rent (or something like that) a place?

[Solaris]

I'd recommend looking into it, too. It's an honorable profession, and depending upon your home, one with a lot of benefits. Hell, have you looked at the post-9/11 GI Bill? It's not bad.

Unless you have no dependents, like me. Then they're both pretty much the same. Some differences, but not a whole lot... at least from what we were briefed.

[Lycan 01]

You could always save up most of what you need, steal your bros stuff, pawn it to get the last bit of money you need, and then GTFO!! :smallbiggrin:


The army sounds like a step up from your situation, actually... :smallconfused: But that's a big decision to make, and one you shouldn't do just because...

[Escef]

Unless you have no dependents, like me. Then they're both pretty much the same. Some differences, but not a whole lot... at least from what we were briefed.

Really? Montgomery GI Bill gives you a set amount of money monthly. Post-9/11 pays your tuition up to the highest rate charged by a state school, plus gives you monthly BAH for an E-5 w/dependents based upon the school's zip code.

[Solaris]

Really? Montgomery GI Bill gives you a set amount of money monthly. Post-9/11 pays your tuition up to the highest rate charged by a state school, plus gives you monthly BAH for an E-5 w/dependents based upon the school's zip code.

From what we were briefed, and I emphasize again that I haven't looked it up myself, the Monty and the Post-9/11 came out to be about the same on the average. The difference really came in on the high-end schools.
But I wouldn't put it past me to be wrong.

[Escef]

From what we were briefed, and I emphasize again that I haven't looked it up myself, the Monty and the Post-9/11 came out to be about the same on the average. The difference really came in on the high-end schools.
But I wouldn't put it past me to be wrong.

Honestly, it depends on a lot of variables. If you get free schooling at a state institution (a not uncommon benefit from individual states), and the BAH for the zip code is low, you'd be better off with the Monty.

[thubby]

i agree with getting out.
in the short term, jam something in the door. just enough to make getting in less convenient, it might be enough to make getting your stuff not worth it.
i tied string to a door stop so i could pull it after i left, took some wiggling to get open but was enough to dissuade my sister (granted she wouldn't have pulled a knife on me but still)

[Bhu]

Man, if you were allowed pets I'd say get some Platypus that don't have their poison glands remove and keep them in your room...

[Serpentine]

On the army discussion, I would like to point out that Naoto's in Australia, so much of your information may not apply at all
That said, it does kinda look like the Aussie army's not a bad place to get started... A good (and very nerdy) friend of mine is ex-military, and it didn't seem to have done him any harm (though he was deliciously ripped for the first year afterwards. Mmmm... P=).

edit: For actual Oz-centric advice, I suggest talking to Centrelink about your moving-out options, especially what you can do to be considered independent (assuming your parents won't want to support you, which sounds likely), and any loans you can get. If you can get Centrelink, you won't be moving out with nothing but your savings.

[Moonshadow]

Army is out of the question, there is no way I'd pass the physical tests this millenium >.>

Currently hunting for ye ol' Pirate chest though, hopefully I can find one thats not too expensive.

[Solaris]

Army is out of the question, there is no way I'd pass the physical tests this millenium >.>

Out of shape or actual physical maladies?

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Naoto Shirogane, poor family relations and I are old..."friends." Locks on doors were common in my old house when I was younger. But as was said earlier, they only keep honest people out. The dishonest will find a way around a lock every time. :smallfrown:

You must understand that I am twenty years your elder, and things have gone past the point of crisis when it comes to me and my family. This is why, when I see someone traveling a similar path, I try to urge them down a different road. It's going to involve a discussion with your family, and it can't include threats or threatening tones. What you should do, however, is make it clear that they are making it an inevitability that the bonds of family will be severed if EVERYONE doesn't start making an effort to improve the family's social dynamic. Yes, that includes you.

Look, it's not easy. I know it's not. A number of adults living under one roof means that each one is going to want to live by their own set of rules, even if said rules entail utter chaos. But there should be ONE set in which everyone's feelings should be considered. It sounds as though everyone in your family is putting the emotional hurt on others around them, and it's time to bring that to an end.

So here's my proposal. You say money is tight? Well, here's a way to get everyone involved and interactive toward resolving things. Get a lock-box and, if necessary, make a slit along its top. We'll call it the "Bruised Box." It gets put in the kitchen, where everyone can be reminded of its presence. Now, let's say your mother goes on a tirade that is unnecessary and hurtful. Explain to her why the harangue bruised your feelings, and then insist she put a dollar in the box. She makes the claim that you make her feel like a second class citizen? Have her explain how, and then YOU put a dollar in the box. Your brother steals something? Well, that requires no explanation of how that hurts, and he should just put a dollar in. Keep a tally as to who earns the least penalties, and the "winner" gets the money in the box at the end of the month.

Oh...as to who gets the key to the box, I think it should be your father. He sounds like the best of the worst in the whole situation.

The basis of this whole idea is to get your family TALKING, not fighting. If you folks could discuss your issues and find a resolution without perpetually putting the emotional screws to one another, then the whole "money in a box" thing should fade into the background and become unnecessary. (Here's hoping.)

Of course, the idea seems a little like "psychology for dummies," but by bringing the family together and explaining it, it will show that YOU are looking for a solution that will not drive the family further apart. You can even use little old me when you chat with your kin. "I know this guy who has been left talking only to his father, and even those calls are rare. I don't want to end up as a proverbial 'only child' and 'orphan' like him, so can we please pull together around this idea and start working together to resolve our issues?" Something like that.

Who knows? Maybe your family will appreciate your desire to take action to fix things before they're far too broken to repair.

Oh...and I have a little medication suggestion. I'm not one to say "run to the medicine cabinet" every time there's trouble, but if you're stressed out enough to bring your issues to a public forum as such, then this minor idea might help. Mind you, I am NOT a doctor, but this little trick with an over-the-counter medication has helped others in the past.

Get yourself a box/bottle of Benadryl. (Its generic name is diphenhydramine.) When the stress is getting to feel like it's too much, take the recommended dose, as prescribed on the box. But BE CAREFUL! There are folks who can be knocked out by this stuff. If you take it, make no plans to drive or operate heavy machinery until you know how it affects you. (I have a friend who can sleep for hours after a half-dose of children's Benadryl.) And the reason I recommend this is because I've actually be prescribed prescription strength antihistamines, stronger than Benadryl, as a method of handling unresolved stress. It's virtually harmless when used with care, so I must make it clear yet again to BE CAREFUL!

Ultimately, moving out should be your final goal. The difference, however, is how you leave. Will it be with everyone angry, and you glad to hear the door close behind you? Or will it be with everyone on fairly decent terms, with you welcome any time you wish to visit or possibly return? Personally, I feel you should strive for the latter.

And that's all I have at the moment. I hope this helps, or sparks an idea that'll help. :smallsmile:

[Felixaar]

Moving out is, by far, the go. Work out the obstacles and take them down.

[Solaris]

Naoto Shirogane, poor family relations and I are old..."friends." Locks on doors were common in my old house when I was younger. But as was said earlier, they only keep honest people out. The dishonest will find a way around a lock every time. :smallfrown:

You must understand that I am twenty years your elder, and things have gone past the point of crisis when it comes to me and my family. This is why, when I see someone traveling a similar path, I try to urge them down a different road. It's going to involve a discussion with your family, and it can't include threats or threatening tones. What you should do, however, is make it clear that they are making it an inevitability that the bonds of family will be severed if EVERYONE doesn't start making an effort to improve the family's social dynamic. Yes, that includes you.

Look, it's not easy. I know it's not. A number of adults living under one roof means that each one is going to want to live by their own set of rules, even if said rules entail utter chaos. But there should be ONE set in which everyone's feelings should be considered. It sounds as though everyone in your family is putting the emotional hurt on others around them, and it's time to bring that to an end.

So here's my proposal. You say money is tight? Well, here's a way to get everyone involved and interactive toward resolving things. Get a lock-box and, if necessary, make a slit along its top. We'll call it the "Bruised Box." It gets put in the kitchen, where everyone can be reminded of its presence. Now, let's say your mother goes on a tirade that is unnecessary and hurtful. Explain to her why the harangue bruised your feelings, and then insist she put a dollar in the box. She makes the claim that you make her feel like a second class citizen? Have her explain how, and then YOU put a dollar in the box. Your brother steals something? Well, that requires no explanation of how that hurts, and he should just put a dollar in. Keep a tally as to who earns the least penalties, and the "winner" gets the money in the box at the end of the month.

Oh...as to who gets the key to the box, I think it should be your father. He sounds like the best of the worst in the whole situation.

I dislike the Bruised Box idea. Can't put my finger on it, but something about it seems like it'd lead to bad things. Then again, I come from a family where 'mercenary' and 'miser' are compliments. I do agree with talking to your family, though. Perhaps your parents have desires you're not aware of.

I, too, had problems with my family. Not my brother (he stole from everyone but me, and before that he and I had been allies against the rest of the family since the get-go), but I did with my stepmother and through her my father. My mother's a whole other can o' worms. It was pretty much all based on the fact that I was trying to assert myself as an adult while living under their roof. I don't know how other folks manage to live in multi-generational households, but I don't think Americans are really designed for it.

[RandomNPC]

@^ most americans aren't designed for multi generation homes, you are absolutely correct.

the knife thing, does everyone else know it? yes you were the agressor, at least from what you said you hit him first, but the fact is he pulled a deadly weapon after one swing from you. Seeing as you hit his head and didn't even stun him a bit (guessing from what you said) pulling a knife is not only dangerous, but a horrible overreaction.

So here's what you do, figure out where he keeps it, steal it when he's showering or something, then steal your stuf back and use his own knife to defend your stuf.

/bad plan.

really, get some solid (preferably metal) lock boxes like everyone's saying. also, if he's willing to pull a knife, i'd be willing to take my former sugestion and say screw what you guys said, I'm getting a lock. If I grew up knowing my sibling was carrying a weapon there's a number of things I would have done differently. Mostly getting a lock, and taking my chainmail building hobby more seriously.

Also reacting that violently shows mental unstability, get him to snap like that without hitting him in front of someone. If you read that last sentance and instantly think "but he's the faveorate and my parents will stand up for him" I'm a step ahead, get him on a recording and take COPPIES of it somewhere, police, thereapist, mental institution, there ya go I just listed three. Seriously everything anyone has suggested other than "do the least bit possible and lock your stuf in a box" has been shot down, man up, stand up for yourself, and do something other than mope about it.

Edit: FFS you pay board, you deserve a safe place, in america you can sue your landlord (your parents in this case) for not giving you a safe place.

[Elm11]

I think right now it's a very tenous situation, and intentionally provoking anyone, even your brother to show mental instability is a bad idea. Remember, it might not be possible, but it's always good to at least try and preserve family relations. It is still however completely unnaceptable that your brother is allowed to continue stealing from you, and all neccessary measures should be taken before negotiations start to

A: make him stop stealing
and B: Make him man up enough to do better than storm back to his room when questioned about it.

I must stress, any action involving the law at this point will severely and permanantly damage family relations. that kind of thing can't be gotten over.
On the other hand, make sure you're prepared to draw the line if things get dangerous (hpefully they won't) and get the hell out of there.

As for ye old pirate box, it's almost certainly your best short term solution. I have a bad feeling about the Bruise box though. It's a great idea for most family trouble, but i fear it will not work in fairly severe cases such as this.
What i think Solaris and i are fearing is that major arguments can simply be inflamed because one person will say they ahve been offended and the other needs to place money in the bruise box, which the other will then deny, further escalating any problems.

Other than that, Bor is spot on the money As Always

[blunk]

Okay, here's what I would do, in decreasing order of immediacy:

1) lock all your stuff up.

2) stay out of the house as much as possible. Spend time with your girl and your friends. If you love your computer, or your games, or your TV too much, try to rediscover the joys of reading, or find something else that absorbs you - that can be done away from home.

3) self-medicate old-school. Get lots of sunlight, fresh air, and exercise. Eat your veggies.

4) self-medicate new-school. Talk to a doctor and see if he recommends anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressant meds. (If you have a problem with such things, get over it. Resolve to, if you need them, get off of them as soon as you can, but don't refuse outright.) Also, I would consider the judicious use of pot, if it is legal within your jurisdiction.

5) move out.

6) watch from a healthy distance as your family now is forced to attempt to resolve their issues without having you as any sort of scapegoat.

7) live your life for about ten years, then marvel at how much easier it is to deal with your family now that everyone has mellowed out a bit.

Seriously, you cannot solve this problem head-on. You can only avoid, ignore, escape, and wait.