Home - and why going to it sucks.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Hello, Playground.

There's no easy preamble to this, so I'm going to just say it. As a good chunk of you know, I'm engaged in service to my country via the US Navy. Unfortunately, that's all about to change.
Due to a long and storied history, and a CO and command how are heartbreakingly kind, I'm being discharged. Forutnatly, it's going to be an Honourable one. Unfortunatly, This is not, to put it simply, part of any of my plans. Nor was it my desire.
And so, my reason for this is two - or rather, three- fold

Fold one: I don't know what to do. I have the vague idea of going to college, as I will have obscene monetary support from the Montgomery GI Bill. Maybe I'll major in literature or education or something. I'm pretty much done with natural sciences if I can help it.

Fold two: And here is the really important one: I need to tell home. Specifically, my mum. It's kind of pathetic (At least, how I'm looking at it, it is.) for a 21 year old man to be scared <expletive>less of calling his mum, and double so to in the same conversation, ask to crash at her place while he gets back on his feet. We both had such high hopes for these past three years, and now, I'm here. I blew it. I'm disappointed, and she's sure as <expletive> going to be, too. I need a way to approach the conversation.

Fold three: Really the back-est of the back burners. Sympathy.

I throw myself at your Collective Wisdom, Playground.

[KuReshtin]

it sucks to hear that life has thrown this curveball at you and that it's derailed your plans.
unfortunately, these are the things that happen every once in a while.

Going back to school sounds like a good idea, especially if you'll get the monetary backing from the GI Bill, as it won't force you to rack up a ton of debt.

it's understandable that you're apprehensive about calling your mom about this, but she is still your mom and I'm sure that she'll be fine with it if you explain things to her.

It'll sort itself out in the end. It usually does.

[Escef]

Go to school. The Monty bill or Post-9/11 bill are both good. Check your home states veteran's benefits. Join a vets organization. There's a wealth of information and aid if you know where to look.

[EndlessWrath]

Without knowing the full situation, I will try my best.

A lot of times in life, things don't turn out the way we think they will. Sometimes because they weren't meant to and sometimes because something we couldn't foresee happens or comes up. Keep that in mind. Yes, its a disappointment... but that happens. Explain to her that you plan on going to school and looking for work, which is hard to do... but that your going to anyways. She's your mother, so I imagine while she may be disappointed and upset, she'll still love you and want to help. (granted, I don't know your mother personally, nor your relation with her. this is assumption based on how you wrote your feelings down.) I would think that she'd at least help you stay till you got up on your feet.

You asked for advice to talk to her about it. I suggest.. that you remind her and yourself that unexpected things happen. I also suggest that you don't go back to her sniveling and upset and scared "<expletive>less"... but you stay confident and sound that way and sure of what the next thing is. I think the most frightening thing for a parent in that situation is the fear that you won't pick yourself back up. She will need that reassuring that you will.

may the winds favor you.
-Wrath

[Jibar]

I would say get yourself into education again too. You've got the backing to make it affordable, you may as well, and the qualifications that'll give you will help you move further with your life.

As for telling your mother, if I knew I'd tell you. I think we're all trying to work that out.

And hey, look on the brightside, your TF2 Ping won't suck anymore. :smallsmile:

[Deth Muncher]

Yeek man, my deepest apologies.

I fully support the college-ing, as it's very good to take advantage of any benefits the military is willing to give you. Furthermore, as an English major myself, I support the Lit studies. :D ^_^-b Heck, when you get back, start talking to nearby colleges - if it means you've gotta take a summer class or so at a community college before you can go to a full-fledged university, then so be it, but at least you'll be on your way.


As to calling home to your mother, you DID say you've been honorably discharged. That's good. Tell her that. Always remember that your parents love you no matter what you do, and I'm sure your mom would be more than willing to help you out whilst you get your stuff together.

And Jibar has a point - being able to get your stress out with some blazing fast TF2 is always good for the soul. :smalltongue:

Best of luck, mate.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Maybe hang out at your gf's place a couple of days for a bit?

[CollinPhillips]

Call your mother and say "Good news Mum, the navy is not sending me out on a suicide mission to personally crack Osama Bin Laden in the skull with a crowbar as originally planned." When she hears this, she'll be delighted to have you safe in her house.

[Asheram]

First of all, Really sorry to hear.

But about it being embarrasing, don't worry about it. These events are slotted under "unforseen incidents" and that's what family is for, I don't think anyone would look down on you for this.

I'm sure that your mom will understand as well. It's just a job like any other, and you're young; there's plenty of more opportunities out there for you.

[arguskos]

Damn man, that's pretty bad. You have my sympathies, and my PM box is ever open to you, Thanatos.

As for how to move forward, I'd really suggest using that GI Bill money to get a degree in something, whatever you want to get a degree in. You have a freedom now that few of us really get to enjoy.

About your mother... well, if she's anything like mine, then she'll just be happy to have you home. Sure, things didn't happen like you planned, but it's an honorable discharge, and she's your MOTHER. By her strength were you brought into this world, I'm sure she'll be happy to see you on a more regular basis for a little while. :smallsmile:

And, something I think is really important, don't get down on yourself about this. It's a setback, sure, but remember all the good things you learned, the great experiences you had, and know that you can take that knowledge, those experiences, and use them to make a great life for yourself. You seem a very smart and funny guy from what I've been able to observe of you on these forums, and I'm willing to bet that if you did well in the armed forces, you'll do just fine here at home. :smallredface:

Last but not least, thank you for serving. It isn't said half enough, and it should be.

[jlvm4]

Sorry to hear that. You've got to be feeling pretty low about it all. Can't offer much more than sympathy without details, but you've got mine for what it's worth. Just keep in mind that you have plenty of time to do nearly anything (or even several anythings) you've got a mind to.

As for your mom. I get it. Whether parents want to be or not, they are their kid's judge, and an important one too. But unless there's something going on you haven't mentioned, you're mom also loves you. I tell my own kids that I might not like what they've done, but I will always love them.

Anyway, if you've been in the NAVY you know that scared and still needing to be done can coexist in any number of tasks. So FIDO (sorry, army acronym) and get it done. You're mom's not going to be any easier to talk to if you delay it. And it was an honorable discharge. That's a 'it just didn't work out' kind of thing, not something to be ashamed of. And it came after three years. It might not be the lifetime you meant it for, but it's still an achievment. So present it in those terms.

And go in to your mom with a plan. Take an afternoon or two to yourself and try and answer the 'what now?' question. I think your mom might surprise you, if you go in with some idea of where you are heading next. I liked the idea of college. You're young, unencumbered in terms of spouse or children, and they are offering financial aid. And a college degree will open up any number of doors for you after.

It will also open up many new experiences. Take the time to not just get an education, but also try new careers on for size.

So good luck and Godspeed. And remember Teddy Roosevelt: “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

[Deth Muncher]

And remember Teddy Roosevelt: “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

And remember that's coming from the man who wrestled bears to the ground in the dead of winter wearing only a loincloth.

That's why they're called Teddy Bears, right? Right?

[Asta Kask]

Moving home is never fun... I did it at 34 (due to a major depressive episode) so I feel your pain.

My advice is to get an education if you are the bookish type. If you are not (and I don't disrespect them) - I'm really at a loss. Sorry.

My advice is to take a week to land and decide what you want to do.

[wxdruid]

Sorry to hear about the Navy Thanatos, *hug* from me (even if I am in the AF).

I'd say use your G.I. Bill and go to college.

Come home and look at your options, decide what you want a degree in and find a college that will fit your needs. With your time in the Navy there may be some gov't jobs you could more easily qualify for, especially for someone who has spent time overseas and if you've supported any Operations.

[Lin Bayaseda]

What is there to be disappointed about? You're young, and you have the opportunity and the money to get college education. This alone puts you in the top 5% of the luckiest people on this earth. Oh, and you also got your family and your health. So I'd say that out of 100 random people on the planet, 97 are worse off than you.

Just take whatever opportunities are available to you and run with them.

[RandomNPC]

If at all possible, offer up some rent, money makes things better for some reason. Other than that, if it comes up mention the military is downsizing and you happened to get the cut, it's not your fault at all.

[Dr. Bath]

Damn, Thanatos, sorry to hear that. :smallfrown:

At least give further education a go, I would say. You've got a lot going for you, and I'm sure your family will stick with you (explicit details aren't always necessary, y'know :smalltongue:)

Good luck with whatever you do!

[shadow_archmagi]

Long story short, I'm leaving the military contrary to all my plans


I do not mean to offend but I'd like to hear the long story.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Well, I called home. Both parents, even, as they're divorced.
Both parties were surprisingly supportive and not-upset seeming. Both were relieved that I'd have my legal benefits and compensation (an Honourable discharge means I'm on no worse ground legally than somebody who just didn't re-enlist).

Shadow: Long Story in Politically correct form:
The military is one of those odd jobs where they judge you based on how your personal quarters look and how well you wear your uniform, both of which are pretty much required to be a level of immaculate I consistently fell short of. You fall short of these, and you get hammered with a UCMJ article for "Failure to obey a lawful order or regulation." Multiples of that look really, really bad.
Also, I showed up about ten minuets late for work once. My alarm hadn't sounded off and actually had to be awoken by the watch-stander I was supposed to relieve. Ten minuets or a day, that's still "Unauthorized absence from a place of duty." Additionally, I was enrolled in an on-line WX studies class as a C-school (Advanced training) prerequisite. I missed a homework assignment. That's "Dereliction of duty".
And I had been so stressed out for a long time that I was loosing sleep and once got caught falling asleep on the watch-floor. That's a major "Dereliction of duty" hit. That's enough for Non-judicial punishment (Captain's Mast - one step below Court Marshal).
I stood my NJP. Now, I had received an NJP a couple years ago, which came attached with a "Page 13" stating "Don't get another NJP". Two NJP convictions and violation of a "Page 13" are grounds for separation on a pattern of misconduct. I'm being discharged honourably because all parties have noted that I "Am not malicious" and "Are a good guy", plus "The economy sucks, and we don't want to hurt you."
So, yeah.

[AngelSword]

As someone who has been through that, I am sorry to hear that. There's nothing like having the one place where you feel you belong tell you they don't want you anymore.

First, I will say that you should take advantage of anything and everything that the government is willing to offer you. Education compensation, housing assistance, and the like are there if you're willing to look for them.

Second, be patient. I was the same age when I was retired, and I am only now getting back to a point where I am back on my own in good standing with myself.

EDIT: Third, you will do yourself a favor to keep in mind that things will not be the same as when you left. Just as you have changed, your family will have changed in kind, and not necessarily for the better.

Good luck. You will find your feet.

[THAC0]

New GI bill includes BAH, doesn't it? So once you get your education sorted out, you should be able to either pay rent to the 'rents or get your own place.

Sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted.

[Trog]

*offers a free mug of Trog's Tavern Beer to*

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out. A good support system through family and friends can help a lot during tough times. Just keep pushing forward and you'll be on your feet again soon.

*hugs, leaves behind the clingy scent of Coffin Nails™*

[Zeb The Troll]

Reading the long version, it sounds like you were in a particularly harsh command. While I understand the need for making sure people don't fall asleep while on watch, I would have thought that a first offense wouldn't go all the way to what we in the Army call(ed) a Field Grade Article 15 (for non-military types, this means that the non-judicial punishment was carried out by a field grade officer [major, lieutenant colonel, or colonel for the ground and air forces, Lt. Commander, Commander, and Captain for the naval forces]). It should have stayed at what we called the Company Grade A-15. Though this may not be possible in your position because no matter the grade, it has to be done by a commanding officer. I'm sufficiently unschooled in Navy command structure to know if there's a commander below Captain.

Also, in my ten years as an enlisted soldier, 8 of them as an NCO, I never heard of anyone getting UCMJ action for failing to meet a certain level of immaculate. And I saw a lot of folks who were allergic to irons and dry cleaning services. Get in trouble? Having some gnarled and grizzled senior NCO dress you down for an hour? Have to do extra training? Maybe pull crappy details an extra time or two? Yeah. But nothing official like a UCMJ proceeding standing in front of the CO.

In any case, this seems like a textbook case of "not really the military type" which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It's just time for Plan B is all. Look at the silver lining. You learned a lot about a lot of things, not the least of them is yourself. You had some good experiences, gained some real world work experience, and got a little bit of a soft landing with your GI Bill remaining intact. On any job application you can say "Honorable Discharge" and typically no more questions will be asked so this doesn't need to haunt you for any reason. (I have to double check mine, but I'm pretty sure that your DD-214 will not comment on your reasons for leaving the service.)

If you find yourself in the vicinity of the Baltimore/Washington area, drop me a line, we'll have a couple beers. :smallcool:

[Serpentine]

Well, I called home. Both parents, even, as they're divorced.
Both parties were surprisingly supportive and not-upset seeming. Both were relieved that I'd have my legal benefits and compensation (an Honourable discharge means I'm on no worse ground legally than somebody who just didn't re-enlist).

Shadow: Long Story in Politically correct form:
The military is one of those odd jobs where they judge you based on how your personal quarters look and how well you wear your uniform, both of which are pretty much required to be a level of immaculate I consistently fell short of. You fall short of these, and you get hammered with a UCMJ article for "Failure to obey a lawful order or regulation." Multiples of that look really, really bad.
Also, I showed up about ten minuets late for work once. My alarm hadn't sounded off and actually had to be awoken by the watch-stander I was supposed to relieve. Ten minuets or a day, that's still "Unauthorized absence from a place of duty." Additionally, I was enrolled in an on-line WX studies class as a C-school (Advanced training) prerequisite. I missed a homework assignment. That's "Dereliction of duty".
And I had been so stressed out for a long time that I was loosing sleep and once got caught falling asleep on the watch-floor. That's a major "Dereliction of duty" hit. That's enough for Non-judicial punishment (Captain's Mast - one step below Court Marshal).
I stood my NJP. Now, I had received an NJP a couple years ago, which came attached with a "Page 13" stating "Don't get another NJP". Two NJP convictions and violation of a "Page 13" are grounds for separation on a pattern of misconduct. I'm being discharged honourably because all parties have noted that I "Am not malicious" and "Are a good guy", plus "The economy sucks, and we don't want to hurt you."
So, yeah.Man... The navy sounds exactly like high school, except you break the law if you don't do your homework or tear your skirt, instead of just getting detention :smallconfused: :smalleek:

You've got experience, money, opportunities and time. I'm sure you'll be fine :smallsmile: (and I'm sorry about the blow to your ego)

[Escef]

If it makes you feel any better, Thanatos, you volunteered to serve. Most don't. While I have met a fair number of people in the military that shouldn't be there (or anywhere for that matter), I have also met a large number of honorable, stand up people in the military.

I spent 4 years in the Army, the whole time struggling to meet physical standards (I'm a horrible runner and gain weight easily). The military was a mixed experience for me, and I'm glad I got out. If I had stayed in I probably would have come to hate the Army. As it is, I'm proud I served, and don't regret it.

Thanatos, be proud that you served. And be happy that you got out when you did, forcing the issue and staying would likely have turned out badly for you.

[Thanatos 51-50]

In any case, this seems like a textbook case of "not really the military type" which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It's just time for Plan B is all. Look at the silver lining. You learned a lot about a lot of things, not the least of them is yourself. You had some good experiences, gained some real world work experience, and got a little bit of a soft landing with your GI Bill remaining intact. On any job application you can say "Honorable Discharge" and typically no more questions will be asked so this doesn't need to haunt you for any reason. (I have to double check mine, but I'm pretty sure that your DD-214 will not comment on your reasons for leaving the service.)

If you find yourself in the vicinity of the Baltimore/Washington area, drop me a line, we'll have a couple beers. :smallcool:

This is more or less exactly what the chain of command said to me.
And will definatly drop you a line if I find myself in that area, though you'll have to do all the drinking. I won't let something like this compromise my "No drinking alcohol" values.
Speaking of which:
/slides the Trog's Tavern Ale to Zeb

In other news.
Thanks everybody for your support. :smallsmile: I appreciate it.

[Zeb The Troll]

And will definatly drop you a line if I find myself in that area, though you'll have to do all the drinking. I won't let something like this compromise my "No drinking alcohol" values.
Speaking of which:
/slides the Trog's Tavern Ale to ZebNonsense! I'll just have my beer and you'll have root beer. Or ginger ale. Or one of the MANY varieties of non-alcoholic beers. Whichever you prefer. There, compromise! :smallcool:

*drinks Trog's Tavern Ale*

[Serpentine]

Green ginger ale P=

[Rutskarn]

On the plus side, you may now do it outside of the missionary position.

On the downside, this totally sucks.

Good luck, mate. I don't have a lot of genuine comfort to say--I'm sure you've already come to grips with the realities of going to college and finding a job, but for what it's worth, you have our sympathy.

Once again: Good luck.

[Bonecrusher Doc]

I had all sorts of clever things to say but everybody else said them already. So, to the above, I say "ditto, ditto."

Thank you for your service, congratulations on your honorable discharge, and good luck on the challenge of turning the page to the next chapter of your life story!