Wizibirb
2010-03-10, 07:28 PM
OK, bad DnD joke time.
Two half-orcs walk into a bar... the dwarf and halfling go under it.
Did you hear about the wizard who was arrested for drunk driving? He had his license evoked.
An elf, dwarf, and human are all out enjoying drinks when they each notice a fly in their glass. The elf covers the glass with a cloth and slides it to the side. The human reaches into the glass and pulls the fly out. The dwarf snatches up the fly and yells "Hey! Spit that out, NOW!"
What has two legs and bleeds? Half a goblin.
Why should you never ask a dwarf to pay for drinks? Because he's always a little short.
Three versions of the same joke as told by different races:
Dwarven version: What do you do if you see and elf drowning? Throw him his wife and kids
Elven version: How do you save a dwarf from drowning? You take your boot off his head.
Human version: What do you do if you see a halfling drowning? You gently lift him out of the puddle.
Dwarven version: How do you escape from an elf? Hide in a mine.
Elven version: How do you escape from a dwarf? Hide in a forest.
Human version: How do you escape from a halfling? Step on a chair.
Where are you when a demon pushes you up against a wall? Between a Vrock and a hard place.
A human woman comes home to find her human husband in bed with a female halfling. She screams at him "You said you wouldn't cheat on me anymore!" to which he replies "I know... can't you see I'm trying to cut down?"
An Elven ranger was on the prowl for his next meal when he spotted a duck fly overhead. Quicker than the eye could follow, he plucked an arrow from his quiver, took aim and let it fly. Walking over towards the area where the duck fell, he spotted a Halfling who was stood over the kill with a light repeating crossbow in hand.
"Thats my kill" said the Elf. "That duck was flying perfectly well until my arrow brought it down. You just walked up to it now and shot it while it was lying on the ground!"
"Nonsense" replied the Halfling "You were facing into the sun and so you can't tell whether it was my bolt or your arrow that brought it down and it hurts me deeply that you could accuse me of such underhanded play. I suggest that we settle this the Halfling way"
"The Halfling way?" asked the Elf.
"Yes. We each kick each other between the legs and the last man standing gets to keep the duck"
The Elf though this over and after deciding that he was by far the fitter and the stronger of the two, that he'd win in such a contest.
"OK then" Said the Elf "You're on."
"Being as it's my honour thats been called into question I insist that I get to go first though" the Halfling demanded.
The Elf agreed that this seemed fair and braced himself for the full force of the Halflings boot. Sure enough, the Halfling took careful aim, backed up a few paces, wound himself up and landed an almighty blow between the Elfs legs.
The Elf bent over double in pain but with eyes streaming, stoically managed not to make a sound.
"Right then" said the Elf. "It's my turn now!"
"It's OK" replied the Halfling "You can keep the duck."
Post them if you got them! (truth be told I stole most of these)
Two half-orcs walk into a bar... the dwarf and halfling go under it.
Did you hear about the wizard who was arrested for drunk driving? He had his license evoked.
An elf, dwarf, and human are all out enjoying drinks when they each notice a fly in their glass. The elf covers the glass with a cloth and slides it to the side. The human reaches into the glass and pulls the fly out. The dwarf snatches up the fly and yells "Hey! Spit that out, NOW!"
What has two legs and bleeds? Half a goblin.
Why should you never ask a dwarf to pay for drinks? Because he's always a little short.
Three versions of the same joke as told by different races:
Dwarven version: What do you do if you see and elf drowning? Throw him his wife and kids
Elven version: How do you save a dwarf from drowning? You take your boot off his head.
Human version: What do you do if you see a halfling drowning? You gently lift him out of the puddle.
Dwarven version: How do you escape from an elf? Hide in a mine.
Elven version: How do you escape from a dwarf? Hide in a forest.
Human version: How do you escape from a halfling? Step on a chair.
Where are you when a demon pushes you up against a wall? Between a Vrock and a hard place.
A human woman comes home to find her human husband in bed with a female halfling. She screams at him "You said you wouldn't cheat on me anymore!" to which he replies "I know... can't you see I'm trying to cut down?"
An Elven ranger was on the prowl for his next meal when he spotted a duck fly overhead. Quicker than the eye could follow, he plucked an arrow from his quiver, took aim and let it fly. Walking over towards the area where the duck fell, he spotted a Halfling who was stood over the kill with a light repeating crossbow in hand.
"Thats my kill" said the Elf. "That duck was flying perfectly well until my arrow brought it down. You just walked up to it now and shot it while it was lying on the ground!"
"Nonsense" replied the Halfling "You were facing into the sun and so you can't tell whether it was my bolt or your arrow that brought it down and it hurts me deeply that you could accuse me of such underhanded play. I suggest that we settle this the Halfling way"
"The Halfling way?" asked the Elf.
"Yes. We each kick each other between the legs and the last man standing gets to keep the duck"
The Elf though this over and after deciding that he was by far the fitter and the stronger of the two, that he'd win in such a contest.
"OK then" Said the Elf "You're on."
"Being as it's my honour thats been called into question I insist that I get to go first though" the Halfling demanded.
The Elf agreed that this seemed fair and braced himself for the full force of the Halflings boot. Sure enough, the Halfling took careful aim, backed up a few paces, wound himself up and landed an almighty blow between the Elfs legs.
The Elf bent over double in pain but with eyes streaming, stoically managed not to make a sound.
"Right then" said the Elf. "It's my turn now!"
"It's OK" replied the Halfling "You can keep the duck."
Post them if you got them! (truth be told I stole most of these)