Familial Diplomacy

[Archpaladin Zousha]

I need some help figuring out how to craft a diplomatic e-mail to my mother regarding the status of my senior capstone project. I am not in any trouble, and my project is going smoothly. But I have mistakenly set a self-imposed due dat that my professors have told me is completely unreasonable. However, my mother has been rather paranoid of late in regards to my academic status. Because my sophomore year was a very bad time for me academically and I was not honest with her in regards to my academics, she does not trust me about these sorts of things. Any time there's a blip in my academic journey, even if it's easily fixable, she immediately assumes that I am slacking off and lying to her again. I want to communicate to her that this is not the case, but I am unsure as to how to word it so I can make it clear to her that I was not lying to her and that everything is fine, but there is no way I would be able to produce a final copy before Easter Break next week (my professor's aren't expecting one anyway).

Please help! :smalleek:

[Jokasti]

I have the same problem. My recommendation is honesty.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Yeah, but she doesn't think I'm being honest.

[Eon]

Copy of your assignment, if possible, for her to see? I'm not a very good diplomat :smalltongue:

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Copy of your assignment, if possible, for her to see? I'm not a very good diplomat :smalltongue:

I already send her copies of my assignment whenever I send something to one of my professors. It's a stipulation in the contract we established after my sophomore year. This is more to explain why she WON'T be seeing a final copy via e-mail tonight.

[shadow_archmagi]

"Dear Mother: I was working feverishly in another frantic attempt to provide my towering overlords of education with another hastily-cobbled demonstration of my academic prowess when one of these benevolent giants informed me that a due date of my own creation had been placed entirely too near. For the briefest span of time I must admit I was completely incapacitated as my mind reeled in a way fishermen would have envied for miles around had they witnessed it. Although seemingly unreasonable demands by the institution of enlightenment which I so begrudgingly attend have always been commonplace, it was a startling discovery to find that my own self had fallen victim to this preposterous mindset. Fortunately, my kind professors have assured me that should the worst transpire and by some unholy probability I fail to meet this self-conjured abomination of a deadline, the repercussions will be decided un-dire.

In fact, there will be none at all.

Everything is fine.

Sincerely Waffles

-Archpaladin"

[Eon]

I already send her copies of my assignment whenever I send something to one of my professors. It's a stipulation in the contract we established after my sophomore year. This is more to explain why she WON'T be seeing a final copy via e-mail tonight.

ah... I see... no idea... Good luck! :smallsmile:

[shadow_archmagi]

Apologies for any typos. Although I am an english major I am also sleep deprived and working fast.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

"Dear Mother: I was working feverishly in another frantic attempt to provide my towering overlords of education with another hastily-cobbled demonstration of my academic prowess when one of these benevolent giants informed me that a due date of my own creation had been placed entirely too near. For the briefest span of time I must admit I was completely incapacitated as my mind reeled in a way fishermen would have envied for miles around had they witnessed it. Although seemingly unreasonable demands by the institution of enlightenment which I so begrudgingly attend have always been commonplace, it was a startling discovery to find that my own self had fallen victim to this preposterous mindset. Fortunately, my kind professors have assured me that should the worst transpire and by some unholy probability I fail to meet this self-conjured abomination of a deadline, the repercussions will be decided un-dire.

In fact, there will be none at all.

Everything is fine.

Sincerely Waffles

-Archpaladin"

I doubt sarcasm will help...it'd work on my dad, but my mom takes my academics dead serious.

[shadow_archmagi]

I doubt sarcasm will help...it'd work on my dad, but my mom takes my academics dead serious.

That isn't sarcasm! That is the unblemished truth!

[Eldrys]

Maybe ask one of your professors to send her an e-mail explaining the situation?

Your mom may not trust you, but I'd be hard pressed to believe that she wouldn't accept a statement from your professors.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Maybe ask one of your professors to send her an e-mail explaining the situation?

Your mom may not trust you, but I'd be hard pressed to believe that she wouldn't accept a statement from your professors.

I'm already gonna do that.

[arguskos]

Soooooo, you set a completely unreasonable deadline that you knew you couldn't meet... and are curious how to tell your mother you messed up? How about saying "Mom, look, I messed up. I can't finish by my self-imposed deadline. However, this doesn't impact my ability to finish it by the actual deadline."

Seems like that's all you can actually say here, since you put yourself in this situation.

[mucat]

If you are paying your own tuition (or building up debt in your own name to pay it) then thank her for her concern and her past help in getting back on track, and tell her you'll be handling academic matters on your own from now on. It sounds like she's trying too hard to micromanage, and the best solution to that is simply to make it clear that you're in charge, not her. Don't be hostile; you can be sincerely grateful for her past involvement, while still making it clear that this is something you now need to handle yourself.

If the contract you mentioned is that she will help with tuition, in exchange for regular updates and a voice in how you handle your classes, then honor demands you abide by your side of the deal. That still doesn't mean letting her micromanage, though. Send her a progress report on how the project is going, what the deadlines are, and the timeline you've set up to complete it. Then phone her, so that you can answer any questions she asks. If she thinks you're lying, don't get angry or defensive; just tell her that you're providing full information as you agreed, that you're doing what is best academically by taking the time to do this project right rather than rushing it to meet a false self-imposed deadline, and that while you're sorry she doesn't trust your judgment here, you will be going ahead with the work plan you sent her.

And then make damned sure your grades at the end of the semester prove that your plan was a good one.

Do NOT offer to let her talk to your professor to verify that you're telling her the truth. The professor is almost certainly not allowed to talk about your academic status with anyone other than yourself and maybe the dean or department head -- and even if you go to the professor and waive your right to confidentiality, you would be putting them in an awkward situation, and probably lowering their opinion of you.

Good luck. Even if you have to take a hard line right now and let her worry a little, the results will speak for themselves, and she will have more confidence in you in the future.

[MethosH]

how about you give it a try... post the text here.. and we give some tips from there?

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Okay, here's the e-mail I sent:


Dear Mom and Dad,

As you know, I have been busily working on my senior capstone project, and am now at approximately 20 pages. You also know that this week I announced that I was altering the focus of my project after meeting with my professors to discuss it. While it still will take a significant amount of work to complete the project, I am now more aware of what I am doing and have a plan in place to complete it.

That said, I had mentioned to you over the phone that I had a planned final draft due date of Friday, March 26th. Upon speaking to my professors about this due date, they all informed me that the due date I had set for myself was completely unreasonable. They were able to provide me with a clearer idea of what they expect from me and when. They do not expect a final draft until the end of the semester, which, while not too far away is still much more manageable than the expectations I had set for myself. They do not expect a final draft to be ready when I give my senior presentation after Easter Break. They told me the whole point of the senior presentation is in fact to get feedback that you can use to revise and improve your senior capstone project. I am currently in the process of gathering new research material and revising my essay to support my thesis. This is NOT starting the project from scratch. It is taking the information I have and looking at it from a different angle.

I wanted to inform you about this because I understand that there have been trust issues regarding my assignments in the past, and I wanted to make sure you knew about these changes of plan. I am NOT behind on the project, and my academic status is NOT in jeopardy. I was operating under my own unrealistic and unfounded standards, and have been shown by my professors that I am working myself too hard over something that is not a problem.

That does not mean that I have time to relax, however. I am dedicating as much effort as I can to making sure I at least have a solid second draft of my essay before I give my presentation, so I may work to make a stellar final draft. If you have any questions about the project, my professors have told me that they would be willing to answer them, so if you don't believe me, you may contact them, either by e-mail or phone.

[Professors' contact information]

Also, Susan informed me that students invite friends and family to attend their senior presentations all the time, so feel free to come down to see if you would like. My presentation will be Wednesday, April 7th, the Wednesday after Easter Break, at 3:10 PM. I will be the first student presenting, so you might want to get there a bit early.

I love you,

Jacob

Think I said everything that needed to be said?

[SensFan]

Okay, here's the e-mail I sent:



Think I said everything that needed to be said?
As has been said, inviting them to be in direct contact with your professor is a terrible idea. Not only do the parents not have a right to talk to the prof, I'm sure your prof isn't allowed to talk to your parents.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

As has been said, inviting them to be in direct contact with your professor is a terrible idea. Not only do the parents not have a right to talk to the prof, I'm sure your prof isn't allowed to talk to your parents.
But the contract I worked out with them stipulates that they can, and they have in the past. My professors gave me permission. It's not like they're going to ask for my exact grades, they're just going to want to know I'm telling the truth.

[SensFan]

But the contract I worked out with them stipulates that they can, and they have in the past. My professors gave me permission. It's not like they're going to ask for my exact grades, they're just going to want to know I'm telling the truth.
Ah. It's your business, of course, but I think that was likely a big mistake on both your part, your parents' and your professors'.

You're (presumably) and adult now, and you're no longer in high school. It's your education, and it will impact your life for years to come. Not your parents' education. Not to mention, if your parents feel it necessary to talk to your professors to confirm you're not lying about something as trivial (in the big picture) as an assignment due date, how do they expect to believe that you pay rent every month? Do they plan on calling your landlord every month, as well as your boss whenever you have a deadline at work?

[mucat]

Every school is different, every department is different within a school...but as an academic myself, I have to tell you I think it's a mistake to have your parents contact your professors.

If a student wanted me to contact their parents, or to give the parents information if they contacted me, I would tell the student that was a very bad idea. If the parents went ahead and called or emailed me anyway, I would be polite, but not give them any information, and ask them not to contact me again. And while this would not affect the grade I gave the student, it would make it hard for me to ever write them a recommendation letter, since I would feel that the student had behaved unprofessionally.

Again, every situation is different, and it might be that the arrangement you have set up isn't bothering anyone. I'm not telling you these things to seem harsh, but only because it's important that you know the possible consequences of allowing your parents to act this way.

One possible compromise: does your professor have a website with a syllabus or other information about the project? You could give your parents the url, or better yet show them how to link there directly from the department's page, so that they can be sure it's legitimate.

Also: I think the email you drafted for your parents is a good one, although you might delete some of the "I am NOT lying" parts, and replace them with specifics about the project itself and where you're going with it. A phone call, either before or after you send the email, will be even better; give them a chance to ask you any questions they've got.

[Zovc]

Is there something prohibiting you from talking on the phone? That always seems more sincere to me than textual communication.

[Quincunx]

Is there something prohibiting you from talking on the phone? That always seems more sincere to me than textual communication.

On the phone, people talk back. And over. And aren't obliged to listen. And can remember the conversation quite differently from what was actually spoken.

[Zovc]

On the phone, people talk back. And over. And aren't obliged to listen. And can remember the conversation quite differently from what was actually spoken.

Fair enough, I suppose I don't get myself into enough situations for phone conversations to be "unconstructive." ("Destructive wouldn't have kept the appropriate connotation, sorry.)

[Quincunx]

How about "adversarial", which is the situation we're setting up in the initial post, or at least by the third one when party B does not trust party A?

This seems like one of the (not frequent) times age is relevant: all of the people saying that a parent/professor link is bad are your peers or older, and those saying that it's good are still dealing with high school or lower. Don't mention it now, but keep that knowledge pocketed for later use.

[rakkoon]

Letter looks perfect to me, good luck with reaching the final deadline.

[Kaelaroth]

On the phone, people talk back. And over. And aren't obliged to listen.

Sigg'd.

And Archpaladin, I wish you the best of luck.

[Umael]

mucat touched on a very important point.

Your mother, well-meaning as she might think she is, is possibly interfering with your future success by denying you the chance to show yourself as being professional. It does sound like you have a good relationship with your professors, and such you are allowed the use of sarcasm I assume your father as well, but your mother could very well develop into a problem.

She is over-reacting. If she is unwilling to believe you or any physical evidence you provide, then I would enlist your father and any other person in your family to help rein her in. Have them explain to her that she is in danger of no longer guiding you on your success but actually harming said future success.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

Well, the situation looks okay. My phone call with my father this morning was cordial, and from the sound of things my mother understands too. I call my parents every morning, as soon as I wake up, as per the contract we revise and sign every year.

I got a bit of a surprise when my parents called a couple hours ago and said they were on their way to pick me up for the weekend though. My writing specialist and disabilities coordinator were concerned that my assignments were piling up and wanted to help me set up a plan to make sure I really make progress on them this weekend. We agreed that tonight should probably be a "fun night" for me, since I wouldn't make much headway tonight. Then, while I'm browsing at the local Barnes and Noble, my parents call saying they've decided to bring me home for the weekend so they can help me and oversee my progress. I've got mixed feelings about it. I've never been able to concentrate on my work when I'm at home, since that's where all my computer games are and stuff. If I'm going to get anything done, I'll probably have to have one of them hovering over me to keep me on task. I also wished they'd given me more of a heads-up. Granted, they knew I was seeing a movie with a friend, so they probably wanted to wait on calling me so they didn't interrupt the movie, but they could have called earlier too.

I've also got mixed feelings about the conversation we'll have on the way home. Hopefully they're not interested in making accusations, but making plans instead, which is what they sounded like over the phone. I'm not upset over how things turned out, but this is certainly not what I was expecting.

[SensFan]

For your own sake, take a stand - breaking the contract if you have to - and get them to leave your education to you. Trust me, it will do possibily irreperable damage to your relationship with them (and possibly your evolution into an independant adult) if you keep allowing them to control your schooling.

[THAC0]

For your own sake, take a stand - breaking the contract if you have to - and get them to leave your education to you. Trust me, it will do possibily irreperable damage to your relationship with them (and possibly your evolution into an independant adult) if you keep allowing them to control your schooling.

If one takes that route, one must be prepared to pay for said education as well.

Just sayin'.

[SensFan]

If one takes that route, one must be prepared to pay for said education as well.

Just sayin'.
If he is currently not paying for his education, and his parents are willing to stop funding his education based on the fact he wants to be treated as an adult, then yes, it means paying for himself. Personally, I'd easily take out those student loans to salvage my reputation with my parents and to move towards independance. YMMV.

Thankfully, my parents help me through school while also allowing me to deal with things on my own.

[Zeb The Troll]

For your own sake, take a stand - breaking the contract if you have to - and get them to leave your education to you. Trust me, it will do possibily irreperable damage to your relationship with them (and possibly your evolution into an independant adult) if you keep allowing them to control your schooling.I strongly disagree with this stance. From what I've read thus far, AZ doesn't feel like he's in a bad position with his parents. His parents, though a little prone to micromanagement, seem to only have his best interests in mind. The relationship between them seems to be strong and caring and not malicious or fearful ("I'm afraid they'll think I'm not holding up my end of the contract" is not the same as "I'm afraid of what they'll do to me if they think I'm not holding up my end of the contract"). From all appearances, this is a contract that was entered into thoughtfully and willingly by all parties.

The Parent/Child education contract, even through college, is a time tested and coucilor approved method of helping students stay on track with their workload until graduation. In addition to facilitating said graduation, it is often used as a means to help the fledgling adult learn and practice time and money management techniques. I see nothing here that warns me that AZ is going to have trouble functioning in the adult world because his parents wanted to make sure he got good grades.

Maintaining this contract is far more likely to strengthen the familial bonds than strain them. This isn't about standing up for your rights as an adult. This would be about taking on an adult responsibility and shirking it because it got too hard or it wasn't quite what you thought it would be (neither of which are even actually complaints that AZ made, I might add). That's a terrible precedent to set and if my son or daughter did that to me, that would be guaranteed to cause friction between us.

Besides, being in a contract and having to report to superiors on a regular, if not daily, basis is hardly something that mature adults don't have to deal with.

*For reference, I am speaking from the viewpoint of a parent who has successfully raised a child to adulthood.

[Archpaladin Zousha]

They're not angry with me at all. They just wanted to help, and boy have they helped! I'm much further on my homework than I probably would have been had I stayed at the University over the weekend. Plus, the real reason they brought me home was even more surprising. During my morning phone calls that week, I apparently sounded lonely, and so they were already planning on bringing me home to cheer me up during the week. The homework bit was incidental, and they knew they could keep me on task. I'm really glad about how things turned out. I think the most important part was that they needed to hear it from me, rather than me staying quiet about it and letting my disabilities coordinator contact them.

[Amiel]

A great friend of mine, more like a brother than anything, decided that study and passing was more important than entertainment.

To ensure that he was not distracted, he locked up his games and when not using his computer, he hid his monitor somewhere.

Now, you may not need to go to such extremes, but it's a good idea if you feel you are entirely too distracted by games, the internet, this forum et al.

Studying is no fun, especially if you don't like it, the study material is entirely too dry and tedious or you need to rote learn because there is no other way to retain the knowledge (yay, anatomy, you bastard); this is why it is known in some circles as student and dying put together.


Parents, especially where their precious children are concerned, try to help to the utmost of their abilities and capacities. This can be somewhat oppressive, confronting and annoying; but it can also be rewarding, uplifting and extremely highly helpful. Your parents are only trying to do what is best for you; sometimes they succeed, sometimes they fail. But, like always, it is the thought that counts :)

I would try to talk a bit with your parents, establish some boundaries at home, so they don't pester you with needless conversation or mindless rules. And ensure and promise them that you can work fine without the or a contract; a contract is really not such a good idea (I should know, I've been under one).

[Archpaladin Zousha]

A great friend of mine, more like a brother than anything, decided that study and passing was more important than entertainment.

To ensure that he was not distracted, he locked up his games and when not using his computer, he hid his monitor somewhere.

Now, you may not need to go to such extremes, but it's a good idea if you feel you are entirely too distracted by games, the internet, this forum et al.

Studying is no fun, especially if you don't like it, the study material is entirely too dry and tedious or you need to rote learn because there is no other way to retain the knowledge (yay, anatomy, you bastard); this is why it is known in some circles as student and dying put together.

This is what my problem was in my sophomore year. I spent too much time on entertainment and ignored my assignments until it was too late. I managed to pass most of my classes by playing catch-up and Mom basically wheedling to the university faculty to give me another chance, but I shattered my mother's trust in me because I lied so much about doing my homework when I simply wasn't. The first step towards recovery was EXACTLY what your friend did. I left my games at home as well as the computer I played them on. If I needed to type something or send an e-mail, I had to go to the university library to do it. That alone has worked wonders.


Parents, especially where their precious children are concerned, try to help to the utmost of their abilities and capacities. This can be somewhat oppressive, confronting and annoying; but it can also be rewarding, uplifting and extremely highly helpful. Your parents are only trying to do what is best for you; sometimes they succeed, sometimes they fail. But, like always, it is the thought that counts :)

I would try to talk a bit with your parents, establish some boundaries at home, so they don't pester you with needless conversation or mindless rules. And ensure and promise them that you can work fine without the or a contract; a contract is really not such a good idea (I should know, I've been under one).

Well, the contract really has become more of a formality, a tradition we do every year to remind me to keep my priorities straight. It's mostly just common sense rules anyway, and there's a lot more trust between us now than there was before. My fears weren't that my parents were going to retailiate or punish me somehow for this. At worst, all I'd get was a stern lecture from Mom over the phone. It's how I'd feel afterwards that I was afraid of. Because of my Autism I've have problems following through on things. I do things that I know I shouldn't do over and over again, long after I've said I'll change, and this is what frustrates my mother, not that my academics might be in jeopardy, but that I'm falling back into the same behavioral patterns that led to my academics being in jeopardy. And that always makes me feel guilty, and I tend to dwell on personal guilt. It's not me against my parents so much as me against me.

[THAC0]

OP, it looks like the situation has been handled very well. Good job!