Butter of Faith, of Reason, of Hope

[Amiel]

The churning of butter is akin to the whirling whirlpool of the mind as it is stirred by the spoon of knowledge. With a dollop of faith, there is triumphant wisdom; with a dash of reason, edification upon illumination benefits all; with a pinch of hope, exultation unto the self occurs.

From butter does all these things arise; it is from butter that the greatest secrets of the multiverse can be had; it is from butter that the greatest victories may be won; it is from butter that the greatest joys may be experienced. Butter truly is one of the multiverse's greatest inventions.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v512/Ash_Mantle/three-philosophies1.jpg?t=1269145305

Butter of Faith
Made from the condensed milk of holy cows, the cream of sanctified heifers, and added with Elysium salt, this butter stirs and invigorates the soul to act with greatest conviction and faith. Those who spread this butter upon their daily bread benefit from a combined bless, divine favour, prayer effect. The benefits are only to the tune to the minimum spell level cast, and only last for 1 minute.

Butter of Reason
The butter of reason is made in an esoteric ritual with the salt of angel's joyous tears, the cream of awakened lambs, and the milk of arcane cows. This butter when eaten provides a +1 bonus to Int and confers the benefits of identify and read magic. You additionally benefit from a temporary +5 bonus to three skills of your choice; these return with the consumption of the butter upon slices of bread or other grain products. The bonus to Intelligence is only per each tub of butter.

Butter of Hope
The most beautiful butter, this light, creamy, extremely delicious butter is made lovingly from hope, light, laughter, and the milk and cream of smiling cows. Eating it grants the nicest effects; this butter confers daylight, good hope, shield, create food and water upon the eater. Consuming the whole tub of butter acts as a heroes' feast spell. The benefits are only to the tune to the minimum spell level cast, and only last for 1 minute.

All three butters are made with the crystal clear, sweet-tasting waters of the River Oceanus, the river that traverses nearly the entirety of the Upper Planes.

The spell choices are individual (and not where stated) and the appropriate effects are picked for the situation. If all effects are needed, they are conferred though additional effects are suspended for three rounds.

[Galileo]

This is equal parts absurd and cool. Forget pre-battle potions, I'm gonna start packing sticks of butter!

[Nehh]

Carry on, good sir! I personally shall spread Butter of Reason on all my sandwiches from now on.

[Amiel]

:smallbiggrin: Thanks for the praise, sirs! :)

I want to be good and not subject players to high cholesterol or high blood pressure; so the butters should be low on the trans-, unsaturated and saturated fats. Enjoy eating them!
This is to also ensure that the players aren't also subject to elephant knees...and try to hunt me down
I was also thinking of creating butter elementals.

[Debihuman]

These are perfect as minor artifacts. Plus this all brings back memories of Home Economics....kudos.

I'd love to see these developed more fully. For example: A tub of butter would weigh 1 lb. and contain 32 servings. A stick of butter would contain 8 servings. Butter does eventually goes rancid (which is why many butters are salted as a preservative). Unsalted butter may last a week at room temperature before it goes rancid; salted butter can last up to 4 weeks. Magical butter would probably last 2d4 months before going rancid.

Best of all, the idea of getting magical butter from a Holy Cow just makes my day. I could so easily picture Dairymaids of the Elysium Fields churning these butters.

Normally, you don't need water for making the butter, just rinsing it from the buttermilk after it's been churned. Rinsing the butter in the River Oceanus is just brilliant.

[Edit] Also, you could have magical buttermilk left over after the butter is made...

[Edit 2] I just can't imagine anyone eating a whole tub of butter at one sitting without feeling horribly ill afterward.

Debby

[Eldan]

So... this is off-topic, but...

Butter in plastic buckets? Huh? Doesn't that taste horrible?

[Amiel]

Yay, Debby :)

I'll write up a nice and lengthy reply to your critique (thank you very much for doing that by the way) probably sometime tomorrow, as I have to catch a little shut-eye.

Just wanted to say welcome back and lovely to hear from you (read your posts) again!

[Debihuman]

Ohh I am really looking forward to this new write up as I think magical butters are really nifty. Food magic items are always fun.

Should I start statting out the Elysium Dairymaids?

Debby

[arguskos]

So... this is off-topic, but...

Butter in plastic buckets? Huh? Doesn't that taste horrible?
No, because it's not actually true butter. It's a margarine-like product. Actual butter still comes in sticks. :smallwink:

On topic: Amiel, what's with you and the foodstuffs these days? The fruit, the candy, the butter, the pasties, what's next, the Infernal Pizzeria? ...........actually, I want to see that now. :smallbiggrin:

[Debihuman]

Holy Cows
Large Magical Beast (Extraplanar)
Hit Dice: 5d8+15 (37 hp)
Initiative: +0
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares)
Armor Class: 13 (-1 size, +4 natural), touch 9, flat-footed 13
Base Attack/Grapple: +3/+13
Attack: Gore +8 melee (1d8+9)
Full Attack: Gore +8 melee (1d8+9)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Smite Evil, Stampede
Special Qualities: Low-light vision, scent, Darkvision 60 ft., resistance to acid, cold, and electricity 5, Spell resistance 10, Damage Reduction 5/magic
Saves: Fort +7, Ref +4, Will +1
Abilities: Str 22, Dex 10, Con 16, Int 3, Wis 11, Cha 4
Skills: Listen +7, Spot +5
Feats: Alertness, Endurance
Environment: Amoria (Blessed Fields of Elysium)
Organization: Solitary or herd (6-30)
Challenge Rating: 3
Alignment: Any Good
Advancement: 6-7 HD (Large)
Level Adjustment: +2

These herd animals can be aggressive when protecting young and during the mating season, but they generally prefer flight to fighting. A holy cow stands more than 6 feet tall at the shoulder and is 9 to 12 feet long. It weighs 1,800 to 2,400 pounds. Holy cows are celestial cows that are tended by the dairymaids of Amoria for their abundant milk production. Holy cows are more regal and more beautiful than their earthly counterparts. They frequently have a metallic sheen to their glossy hides. The milk from holy cows is particularly tasty and is often churned into magical butter by the aforementioned dairymaids.

Smite Evil (Su): Once per day a holy cow can make a normal melee attack to deal extra damage equal to its hit dice against an evil foe.

Stampede (Ex): A frightened herd of holy cows flees as a group in a random direction (but always away from the perceived source of danger). They literally run over anything of Large size or smaller that gets in their way, dealing 1d12 points of damage for each five cows in the herd (Reflex DC 18 half). The save DC is Strength-based.

Designer Note: This is a bison with the celestial template.

Debby

[Debihuman]

I'm not sure if the dairymaids of Elysium should be angels or not. Any ideas, comments?

Not just a bump!

Debby

[draco_nite]

I'm not sure if the dairymaids of Elysium should be angels or not. Any ideas, comments?

Not just a bump!

Debby
They should be pit fiends.

[FlamingKobold]

They should be pit fiends.

That sounds counter-intuitive... :smalltongue:

I think they shouldn't be angels, but good human souls that are blessed by the... dairy gods? Chosen by the Cow God? Not sure. But I think just human/elf/dwarf/other souls that are chosen to be there.

[Amiel]

Debby, I'll try and do as you advise and suggest and flesh them out a bit more; like include the prices and the Craft(ing) requirements.

Eating it in one sitting may force an alteration of the mindset of the character, in and so that they view the butter less as a heart attack waiting to happen and more as an epic feast for heroes. The taste may also be altered to conform to a more pleasing flavour and greater palability. But adventurers possibly may not be able to stomach more than one tub of butter; it could induce severe stomach cramps for example or taste downright exceedingly awful the next tub.

Good point in raising that even magical butter may eventually go rancid, are there any preventative measures to prevent this? Although a due-by-date for magical food is incredibly nifty.

Great work on the holy cows! Love them. And definitely looking forward to the Elysium dairymaids. That is such a great idea. Hopefully they can calm emotions?

Their base creature really depends on how you see them, where they exist and fit in the grander scheme of the Upper Planes, or they may exist as smiling motes of the heavens, stand-alone and adhering to no formality or celestial order, and where you would like to go with them, angel is a great choice, but could be a bit cliche? I personally like angel :)


Eldan, our butter down here is always in tubs, so I can't exactly say whether they taste ugh; they taste perfectly fine to me :P It's the sticks of butter where the hard work is at.


Arguskos, haha, dunno really. The idea of magical food that grants magical and beneficial and/or malevolent effects is so incredibly appealing. Potions and the like are old hat, adventurers need to be able to have access to something new, something grander.
The Infernal Pizzeria is an awesome idea; have a side order of damnation along with your weeping, half-truths and cheese.

[Fortuna]

What? No mention of the milk of human kindness?

Nice idea, I like it.

[Amiel]

You probably can't market it as human milk though...or you could, if the masses are agreeable and receptive enough. It may be incredibly odd to see paladins, or the other classes, sup of the milk of human kindness.


Thanks!

[draco_nite]

You guys are all forgetting that there is no cow level.

[Eldan]

The important question is, of course, if there is a cow lord in the beastlands. There should be, theoretically.

Now, there is hell cattle, canonically? What kind of butter would those produce?
Butter of Despair?


Can we also have a cheese of mercy? Cheese is probably the easiest way to preserve milk pre-industrially.

[Debihuman]

You guys are all forgetting that there is no cow level.

Actually, there is a cow level. It's in the WotC archives. You can find it here: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/files/Moomoo.pdf This also contains the stats for the Hell Cattle.

The Stench Kow was never updated by WotC, but you can find the 3.5 version in the Tome of Horrors (revised for 3.5). It's really a great resource because the monsters are all open content. NB: The revised version is only available as pdf file and never came out in a bound edition. For anyone interested, here is the stench kow:

STENCH KOW
Large Magical Beast (Extraplanar)
Hit Dice: 3d10+9 (25 hp)
Initiative: +0
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares)
Armor Class: 17 (-1 size, +8 natural), touch 9, flatfooted 17
Base Attack/Grapple: +3/+11
Attack: Gore +6 melee (1d8+6)
Full Attack: Gore +6 melee (1d8+6)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Charge, trample 1d8+6, stench
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., immunity to cold, fire, and poison, low-light vision
Saves: Fort +8, Ref +3, Will +2
Abilities: Str 18, Dex 10, Con 17, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 4
Skills: Listen +6, Spot +6
Feats: Alertness, Great Fortitude
Environment: Lower planes (usually Nine Hells)
Organization: Herd (15-60; 50% noncombatant young, plus one 6 HD bull per 5 female adults)
Challenge Rating: 3
Treasure: None
Alignment: Always neutral
Advancement: 4-6 HD (Large); 7-9 (Huge)
Level Adjustment: —

This creature resembles a large bison with a hunched back, long downward-curving horns, and grotesque facial features. The stench kow is the cattle of the lower planes. Found mainly in the Hells, stench kows are a race of bison-like creatures, not unlike the normal cattle found on the Material Plane. They are used as food by the denizens of the lower planes and are often found in large herds wandering the wastelands of the nether regions.

A typical stench kow is 8 feet long and weighs about 3,000 pounds. Its fur is orange or brown in color and mottled green throughout.

Combat

Stench kine attack only if threatened, if the herd is threatened, or if the young calves are in danger. A stench kow attacks by charging and trampling, or butting its opponents with its horns.

Charge (Ex): A charging stench kow deals double damage with a successful gore attack.

Trample (Ex): Reflex DC 15 half; The save DC is Strength-based.

Stench (Ex): A stench kow exudes a foul body odor. All living creatures (except stench kine) within 5 feet of a stench kow must succeed on a DC 14 Fortitude save or be nauseated for as long as they stay in the area and for 1d4+1 rounds after they leave. Creatures that successfully save cannot be affected by the same stench kow’s stench for one day. The save DC is Constitution-based.

I'm sure there would be a way to get milk from a stench kow, but it would be difficult to find someone to do it.

Since there are only nine Muses, I figure there will only be eight Dairymaids. Also, I updated the Holy Cow. It should have the Extraplanar subtype.

Debby

[Debihuman]

Good point in raising that even magical butter may eventually go rancid, are there any preventative measures to prevent this? Although a due-by-date for magical food is incredibly nifty.

A simple purify food and water spell should work on the magical butter: This spell makes spoiled, rotten, poisonous, or otherwise contaminated food and water pure and suitable for eating and drinking. It wouldn't permanently stop the process because going rancid is a natural occurrence, but you could cast it every time the butter went rancid and reset the clock.

Debby

[Debihuman]

I have another idea for the magical butter: how about a magical butter churn?


Io’s Butter Churns

These three-feet wide, barrel-shaped, wooden butter churns were given to the Dairymaids after the churns were used to humiliated Io for her affair with Zeus. Despite their ominous beginnings, the churns allows the dairymaids to create their wonderful magical butters. Each butter churn can create a single magical butter at the rate of 100 lbs per day. Each butter is imbued with magical properties based upon the spells used and other ingredients.

Strong transmutation, CL 20 Weight 25 lbs (when empty); 125 lbs when full of butter.

There is a terrific picture of the butter churn on wikipedia but the image is too big to put here. Here's the link to their website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butter_churn

[Admiral Squish]

Now, there is hell cattle, canonically? What kind of butter would those produce?

Hell cattle? Hmmmmm... I have an urge to make a short adventure based of 'ghost riders in the sky' now.

[Debihuman]

As promised, here are my Angelic Dairymaids. All cow jokes are intentional.

Angel, Dairymaid
Medium Outsider (Angel, Extraplanar, Good)
Hit Dice: 10d8+40 (85 hp)
Initiative: +4
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares), Fly 60 ft (good)
Armor Class: 24 (+4 Dex, +10 natural), touch 14, flat-footed 20
Base Attack/Grapple: +10/+15
Attack: +2 bull leader +17 melee (2d4+9/x3)
Full Attack: +2 bull leader +17/+12 melee (2d4+9/x3) or slam +15 melee (2d8+7)
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Spell-like abilities
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft.; low-light vision; immunity to acid, cold and petrification; resistance to electricity 10 and fire 10, protective aura, tongues
Saves: Fort +11 (+15 against poison), Ref +11, Will +11
Abilities: Str 20, Dex 18, Con 18, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 18
Skills: Concentration+17 , Knowledge (Any 2) +17, Diplomacy +17, Handle Animal +19 (+29 Bovines), Heal +17, Listen +17, Move Silently +17, Profession (Dairy Farmer) +17, Ride +19, Spot +17, Spellcraft +7, Use Magic Device +17, Survival +7 (aboveground natural environments only)
Feats: Animal Affinity, Mounted Combat, Power Attack, Ride-By Attack
Environment: Amonia, 1st layer of the Blessed Fields of Elysium, usually near the shores of the River Oceanus
Organization: Solitary or with United Defense of Dairymaids in Elysium, Regional Society
Challenge Rating: 9
Treasure: Standard
Alignment: Always Neutral Good
Advancement: 11-20 (Large)
Level Adjustment: —

The dairymaids of Elysium appear as bronzed humanlike creatures with long feathery wings, wearing a traditional milkmaid uniform. They are about 5½ feet tall and weigh 150 lbs.

The United Defense of Dairymaids in Elysium, Regional Society is a union of angelic dairymaids that was created by a sisterhood of angels who retired from the rigors of the Blood Ward to the farmlands of Amonia near the river Oceanus in order to create an agricultural community for the betterment of all the local inhabitants. Their numbers have been growing in recent years due to the increased popularity of their magical butters.

When the Butter Churns of Io became available, the sisters petitioned the Powers of Olympus to let them guard the minor artifacts. These magical devices are used to make the magical butters that the sisters sell on the various planes.

While the angels are mostly pastoral farmers, they have been known to ride their mounts (celestial war bulls) into battle. The celestial war bulls are male celestial cattle and have 2 more hit dice than holy cows. They are specifically bred for riding, require 6 weeks of training, and can wear special saddles. Dairymaids eschew wearing armor, preferring to ride into battle in their more comfortable milkmaid uniforms.

The dairymaids speak Abyssal, Celestial, Common, Draconic, Giant, Infernal, and Sylvan, though they can speak with almost any creature because of their tongues ability.

Combat

There is nothing more fierce (nor more comical) than an angelic dairymaid riding her celestial war bull into battle while brandishing a fierce bull leader against her enemies. She can indeed lead you around by your nose! See bull leader stats below.

Protective Aura (Su): Against attacks made or effects created by evil creatures, this ability provides a +4 deflection bonus to AC and a +4 resistance bonus on saving throws to anyone within 20 feet of the angel. Otherwise, it functions as a magic circle against evil effect and a lesser globe of invulnerability, both with a radius of 20 feet (caster level equals angel's HD). (The defensive benefits from the circle are not included in an angel's statistics block.)

Spell-like Abilities: At will—aid, calm animal, animal messenger, bear’s endurance, bull’s strength, 7/day—cure light wounds; 1/day—flame strike. Caster level 10. The saves are Charisma-based.

Tongues (Su): All angels can speak with any creature that has a language, as though using a tongues spell (caster level equal to angel's Hit Dice). This ability is always active.

Skills: Angelic dairymaids have a natural bonus of +10 to handle animals that are bovines and cow-like creatures including dire cattle, gorgons, oxen, hell bovines from the Diablo web enhancement, stench kows, etc.)


New Weapon: Bull Leader
A bull leader is a pole about 6 feet long with a spring clip on the end to snare the bull's nose ring enables the handler to keep the bull moving forward without any risk that the bull can come too close. With a bull leader, you get a +2 bonus on opposed attack rolls made to disarm an opponent (including the roll to avoid being disarmed if such an attempt fails). The bull leader uses the same stats as a ranseur. It is a two-handed, exotic, reach weapon.

[itastelikelove]

Best if Used By
Three winks of the Midnight Eye,
Or in her seventh son's finest hour,
All your hopes shall come out sour.

Or re-purify before using.
Thank-you for choosing:
Elysian Creameries

Well, it comes from the celestial planes (plains?), so of course the sell-by/use-by date would be in vague, prophetic rhyming couplets.

[draco_nite]

Actually, there is a cow level. It's in the WotC archives. You can find it here: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/files/Moomoo.pdf This also contains the stats for the Hell Cattle.

The Stench Kow was never updated by WotC, but you can find the 3.5 version in the Tome of Horrors (revised for 3.5). It's really a great resource because the monsters are all open content. NB: The revised version is only available as pdf file and never came out in a bound edition. For anyone interested, here is the stench kow:

STENCH KOW
Large Magical Beast (Extraplanar)
Hit Dice: 3d10+9 (25 hp)
Initiative: +0
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares)
Armor Class: 17 (-1 size, +8 natural), touch 9, flatfooted 17
Base Attack/Grapple: +3/+11
Attack: Gore +6 melee (1d8+6)
Full Attack: Gore +6 melee (1d8+6)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Charge, trample 1d8+6, stench
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., immunity to cold, fire, and poison, low-light vision
Saves: Fort +8, Ref +3, Will +2
Abilities: Str 18, Dex 10, Con 17, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 4
Skills: Listen +6, Spot +6
Feats: Alertness, Great Fortitude
Environment: Lower planes (usually Nine Hells)
Organization: Herd (15-60; 50% noncombatant young, plus one 6 HD bull per 5 female adults)
Challenge Rating: 3
Treasure: None
Alignment: Always neutral
Advancement: 4-6 HD (Large); 7-9 (Huge)
Level Adjustment: —

This creature resembles a large bison with a hunched back, long downward-curving horns, and grotesque facial features. The stench kow is the cattle of the lower planes. Found mainly in the Hells, stench kows are a race of bison-like creatures, not unlike the normal cattle found on the Material Plane. They are used as food by the denizens of the lower planes and are often found in large herds wandering the wastelands of the nether regions.

A typical stench kow is 8 feet long and weighs about 3,000 pounds. Its fur is orange or brown in color and mottled green throughout.

Combat

Stench kine attack only if threatened, if the herd is threatened, or if the young calves are in danger. A stench kow attacks by charging and trampling, or butting its opponents with its horns.

Charge (Ex): A charging stench kow deals double damage with a successful gore attack.

Trample (Ex): Reflex DC 15 half; The save DC is Strength-based.

Stench (Ex): A stench kow exudes a foul body odor. All living creatures (except stench kine) within 5 feet of a stench kow must succeed on a DC 14 Fortitude save or be nauseated for as long as they stay in the area and for 1d4+1 rounds after they leave. Creatures that successfully save cannot be affected by the same stench kow’s stench for one day. The save DC is Constitution-based.

I'm sure there would be a way to get milk from a stench kow, but it would be difficult to find someone to do it.

Since there are only nine Muses, I figure there will only be eight Dairymaids. Also, I updated the Holy Cow. It should have the Extraplanar subtype.

Debby

I stand corrected.

[Debihuman]

Best if Used By
Three winks of the Midnight Eye,
Or in her seventh son's finest hour,
All your hopes shall come out sour.

I rather like the idea of incorporating poetry but this is a bit too vague. The expiration date doesn't have to be obscure or only found in a riddle. On the other hand, it's better than the slogan: "Happy Cows come from Amonia!" [Riffing the California Dairy commercials if you haven't seen them.]

@ draco_nite: Not corrected, informed! :-)

Debby

[itastelikelove]

It's not that vague...it just says that it'll expire at noon on the seventh day after three lunar months...and everyone knows when that is. :smallwink:

[Blue Ghost]

So you're supposed to carry this butter and chew it before every battle? I think I'll stick with my enchanted cookies for that purpose. :smallyuk:
But this is quite awesome. How much do these things cost?

[Debihuman]

The butter comes in tubs for easier carrying. Amiel said that the butters would be overhauled but nothing yet. Anyone want to give them a try? I'm not that good at figuring out magic items.

Debby

[shadow_archmagi]

I gotta say that eating an entire tub would be a lot of work.

What happens if you melt the butter, and pour it on one of my Justice Lobsters?

[DracoDei]

I recommend turning "Justice Lobsters" into a link...

[shadow_archmagi]

I wish I could but I never actually statted them up. I just threatened my party with them once.