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deephelldragon
2010-04-13, 06:26 AM
The thieves order
" yes master i do have the item that you asked " some whispering from across the room "yes they have no idea what we plan on using this for i think even if they got someone they could not get close enough to us" some more whispering "yes i know not to get too cocky" some more whispering "as you wish master i will carry out your orders they will fall to us"
(back to the characters) the players are sitting in a bar and are having a drink when in comes a guy they recognize as a man they had all meet before he seem to want to go to a back room with out being seen. (ask the players what they want to do) " hello friends i do not have time to talk right now but if you wait until im back we can talk some more and catch up"
(so as the players are waiting another guy recognizes them and comes over) "so we meet again and this time i will not let you escape" (with a puzzled look on your faces) "don’t tell me that you don’t remember you slept with my daughter" (again you have a puzzled look on your faces) "now draw your weapon or die a coward"(level 5 fighter) after the fight "NOW do you wish to beg for your life it probable wont matter i will kill you anyway" (you hear a door open and out comes your friend) "halt there most be a mistake here why are you attacking my friends" "the had sex with my daughter and im going to kill them" "when did this happen" "about 5 years ago" "i can say that none of them did that because they where with me in my kingdom" "what do you mean your kingdom" "i am king bronten an i am king of zarbina they where out doing a quest for me" "oh sorry guys i did not know you all just look a lot like the guys that raped my daughter if you ever need my services i will be more then happy to help you out and sorry again for attacking you like this" "that may come in handy right now because i was just about to ask them to go do a quest for me so they may need your for this" "great thanks for doing this for me i will give you a ride back with me meet me at the edge of town at 5:00 pm in two days" (let the players decide what to do) (come 5:00 pm have the players meet the king on the edge of town) "hello my friends i hope that you had a pleasant couple of days to your self’s" "well my friends let us get going to the kingdom of zarbina" (let the players make last decisions) you go for about 2 months and finally reach the kingdom of zarbina when you make it there you find that the kingdom looks ok but does not look like it is the highlight of the world it has 2 islands named little and big salt the king of the other kingdom thought that this was funny because one of his knights wanted to be more so the king made him king of the island thinking that there was nothing there but there was a diamond mine located there that made this one of the riches kingdoms in all the lands making the king want this island back but the new king already had a castle set up so when the king tried to come and take it the new king had people trained called the salt snipers the where the best shot in all the land with the new weapon named the dwarfish rifle so when the king tried to take back the island he was defeated badly not a single salt was lost but most of the kings men where dead with his head low he left defeated back to his kingdom now our heroes show up and see about 30 armed salt snipers on the wall each looking like they had killed a man and are not afraid to do it to them in fact it looks like they would rather shoot them then let them come in to there town but they let them in any way on the boat with them was a man his wife and a new born child that has pure white like a snowy white hair his mother tells you that he is a special boy he was born in what she calls a hot air balloon far up in the air when they where shot down and got caught on a statue only to be rescued you find out that the king is a very curious man he is what this land calls a scientist you think he is some type of wizard but are not sure he tells you that the man is a top salt sniper and the woman is a very good scientist they even have there own place near the palace. Then you hear a shout from one of the salt snipers that there is a great big beast coming out of the water and that it looks to do us harm. You peer at the water it looks calm then it breaks out into a string of long tentacles that are attached to a 20 foot long fish but it says to you all “stop do not shoot I meant you no harm I just came to deliver a message to (say a players name) I am here to say that you are the only one that will most likely be successful on this quest you will most likely loose one or more party members but to stop the one you love from being hurt will you sacrifice yourself or will you complete the quest and leave her to die all alone it is your choice but I compel you to pick wisely that is all that I have to say I tire of this place I am going back to my lake now good bye and good luck”. So after the encounter with the mysteries fish you guys have an uneventful journey back to the kings land. “come my friends let me show you the reason that I have called you back here again for some more assistance. The king shows you what looks like a case that held the worlds biggest gem (dc 20 knowledge check to find out that it is the star ocean diamond)”this use to hold our most prized possession it was stolen from us by the krildraga the quest that I give you is to sneak into there get back this gem kill the leader and if you can burn down the place that they are at with the rest of them inside we can not let it be known that this gem was stolen so I also want you to find a list or find out all of the people inside of this guild of thieves if you need anything just tell me myself and my troops are at your command. (the king bows to you all). (once they are all into the thieves guild) congrats you guys have made it into the guild but that is all to show me that you will be a good part of this guild you must steal something that is very valuable to me you must steal a magic sword that belonged to my grandfather I will be sending 5 of my people with you to make sure that you do this as I ask you too now go until you complete this you should avoid the thieves guild halls. (let them know where the sword is and that it is dangerous to go there and try to steal this sword) “so he wants you to go and steal the sword of (sword name) if he really wants that then I am scared for all of us and for the world for with that sword you are able to do terrible things including summoning the elder of evil if he summons them then the whole world is at risk that sword even though they hate it is the only thing that can control them to do the wielders will but if the wielder becomes even the slightest bit distracted he loses control of them and can not do so again so if you can make him lose control then you can take over and make them go back and never visit again then you must destroy the blade but first give it to him find my gem then all will fall into place but be causes I don't want you to be killed so I suggest you go and visit the armory.

kamikasei
2010-04-13, 06:33 AM
Sorry, but that's pretty much unreadable. Could you give it a little more structure please? Paragraphs are needed of course, but a clear description of what you're trying to do and what your problems are would also help. This looks like one long description of how you see the game going...?

aberratio ictus
2010-04-13, 07:09 AM
The thieves order

"Yes master, I do have the item that you asked."
- Some whispering from across the room.
"Yes, they have no idea what we plan on using this for. I think even if they got someone they could not get close enough to us."
- Some more whispering.
"Yes i know not to get too cocky."
- Some more whispering.
"As you wish, master. I will carry out your orders they will fall to us."


(back to the characters)

The players are sitting in a bar and are having a drink when in comes a guy they recognize as a man they had all meet before. He seems to want to go to a back room without being seen.
(ask the players what they want to do)
"Hello friends! I do not have time to talk right now, but if you wait until I'm back we can talk some more and catch up."
(so as the players are waiting another guy recognizes them and comes over)
"So we meet again, and this time i will not let you escape!"
(with a puzzled look on your faces)
"Don’t tell me that you don’t remember you slept with my daughter!?"
(again you have a puzzled look on your faces)
"Now draw your weapon or die a coward!"
(level 5 fighter)

After the fight:
"NOW do you wish to beg for your life? It probable won't matter - I will kill you anyway."

(you hear a door open and out comes your friend)
"Halt! There most be a mistake here, why are you attacking my friends?!"
- "They had sex with my daughter and I'm going to kill them."
"When did this happen?"
- "About 5 years ago."
"I can say that none of them did that because they were with me in my kingdom."
- "What do you mean, "your kingdom"?"
"I am King Bronten and I am king of Zarbina. They were out doing a quest for me."
- "Oh, sorry guys I did not know... you all just look a lot like the guys that raped my daughter. If you ever need my services I will be more than happy to help you out and sorry again for attacking you like this."
"That may come in handy right now because I was just about to ask them to go do a quest for me so they may need you for this."
- "Great, thanks for doing this for me I will give you a ride back with me. Meet me at the edge of town at 5:00 pm in two days."
(let the players decide what to do)

(come 5:00 pm have the players meet the king on the edge of town)
"Hello my friends! I hope that you had a pleasant couple of days to yourselves. Well my friends let us get going to the kingdom of Zarbina."
(let the players make last decisions)
You go for about 2 months and finally reach the kingdom of Zarbina. When you make it there, you find that the kingdom looks ok, but does not look like it is the highlight of the world. It has 2 islands named little and big salt. The king of the other kingdom thought that this was funny because one of his knights wanted to be more, so the king made him king of the island thinking that there was nothing there, but there was a diamond mine located there that made this one of the riches kingdoms in all the lands, thus making the king want this island back but the new king already had a castle set up, so when the king tried to come and take it the new king had people trained called the "salt snipers". They where the best shots in all the land with the new weapon named the dwarven rifle.
So, when the king tried to take back the island, he was defeated badly. Not a single salt was lost but most of the kings men were dead.
With his head low he left defeated back to his kingdom.

Now our heroes show up and see about 30 armed salt snipers on the wall, each looking like they had killed a man and are not afraid to do it to them, in fact, it looks like they would rather shoot them then let them come in to their town, but they let them in anyway.
On the boat with them is a man, his wife and a newborn child that has pure white, like a snowy white, hair. His mother tells you that he is a special boy, he was born in what she calls a hot air balloon far up in the air when they were shot down and got caught on a statue only to be rescued.
You find out that the king is a very curious man he is what this land calls a scientist. You think he is some type of wizard but are not sure. He tells you that the man is a top salt sniper and the woman is a very good scientist, they even have there own place near the palace. Then you hear a shout from one of the salt snipers that there is a great big beast coming out of the water and that it plans to do us harm. You peer at the water. It looks calm, then it breaks out into a string of long tentacles that are attached to a 20 foot long fish, but it says to you all:
"Stop do not shoot! I meant you no harm, I just came to deliver a message to (say a players name). I am here to say that you are the only one that will most likely be successful on this quest. You will most likely loose one or more party members but to stop the one you love from being hurt will you sacrifice yourself... or will you complete the quest and leave her to die all alone? It is your choice, but I compel you to pick wisely. That is all that I have to say, I tire of this place. I am going back to my lake now good bye and good luck.”

So after the encounter with the mystery fish you guys have an uneventful journey back to the king's land.
“Come my friends, let me show you the reason that I have called you back here again for some more assistance. The king shows you what looks like a case that held the worlds biggest gem.
(dc 20 knowledge check to find out that it is the star ocean diamond)
”This used to hold our most prized possession. It was stolen from us by the krildraga. The quest that I give you is to sneak into there, get back this gem, kill the leader and, if you can, burn down the place that they are at with the rest of them inside. We cannot let it be known that this gem was stolen, so I also want you to find a list or find out all of the people inside of this guild of thieves. If you need anything just tell me. Myself and my troops are at your command.
(the king bows to you all)

(once they are all into the thieves guild)
"Congrats you guys have made it into the guild. But that is all to show me that you will be a good part of this guild, you must steal something that is very valuable to me. You must steal a magic sword that belonged to my grandfather. I will be sending 5 of my people with you to make sure that you do this as I asked you to. Now go until you complete this. You should avoid the thieves guild halls."
(let them know where the sword is and that it is dangerous to go there and try to steal this sword)
“So he wants you to go and steal the sword of (sword name)? If he really wants that then I am scared for all of us and for the world, for with that sword you are able to do terrible things including summoning the "Elder Of Evil". If he summons them, then the whole world is at risk. That sword, even though they hate it, is the only thing that can control them to do the wielders will, but if the wielder becomes even the slightest bit distracted, he loses control of them and can not do so again. So if you can make him lose control, then you can take over and make them go back and never visit again. Then you must destroy the blade, but first give it to him. Find my gem then all will fall into place. But be cautious, I don't want you to be killed so I suggest you go and visit the armory."



Yes. I was bored.

deephelldragon
2010-04-13, 07:15 AM
could any of you suggest how to make it not so boring or leading or railing as it is so that i have a good campain that will be remembered by the other players so that they can say wow this is a good campain i would like that it is one of my first campains that i have writen in a while and all of the other ones where not so great so any help you could give me would be great if you have to rewrite it go ahead and do so this is just my main idea

kamikasei
2010-04-13, 07:16 AM
Yes. I was bored.

Clearly :smalltongue:

So, yeah. That's a description of the campaign. It doesn't tell us what help you want, what you want to do with the campaign so that we can help you do it, etc.

It also strikes me as a bit railroady... you're assuming that either the players will do exactly what you expect or else their actions won't affect the course of events beyond "they overcome the challenge and so progress, or they don't and the game ends".

edit:

could any of you suggest how to make it not so boring or leading or railing as it is so that i have a good campain that will be remembered by the other players so that they can say wow this is a good campain i would like that it is one of my first campains that i have writen in a while and all of the other ones where not so great so any help you could give me would be great if you have to rewrite it go ahead and do so this is just my main idea

The first step is to breathe (and use punctuation...).

Now. Who are your players? What do they like - in characters, in story, in game type and structure? It's impossible to write a good campaign that a group will enjoy without reference to the players themselves. You might end up with a fantastic campaign - but for a different group.

Altair_the_Vexed
2010-04-13, 07:22 AM
Agreed, it's very hard to read. Thanks aberratio for the re-formatting.

Buried in there are some good basic plot concepts - a little cliched, but good basic stuff: <object> is sought be <evil people> for summoning <bad things>, the heroes must get the <object> to stop the <evil people> and banish the <bad things>.

However, you've just about railroaded your heroes into this. There are multiple poinnts in your story where the heroes might make a different choice to the one you're presenting.
For example: the Ftr5 who accuses the PCs of molesting his daughter - what if the PCs just run away..? or use diplomacy..? or kill the fighter with a critical hit..? - and this is just the first choice in the game.

In short, you're either giving your players no options, or when they do something you haven't planned for, you're going to be stuck.
I'd advise you work on more options for the scenes you have planned, and try to prepare more for what the party might do. Otherwise you're just telling a story to the players, and they won't feel involved.

aberratio ictus
2010-04-13, 07:28 AM
I really like the fish monster, though.

Fallbot
2010-04-13, 07:36 AM
Would have been a tl;dr without aberratio's reformat.

As it is, the whole thing seems like a massive railroad and honestly doesn't seem to make a huge amount of sense. The whole thing with the fighter who accuses the party of (gang???) raping his daughter five years ago, only to be stopped by the party's mate, the king (!?!) left me scratching my head. Not to mention the hot air balloons, scientists, magic babies and giant fish that don't seem to be relevant. How do they tie into the plot? Or maybe they do. It was very hard to parse.

All the pauses to ask the players what they want to do seem a little redundant, since the narrative immediately continues without taking into account the choices the players could have made.

Dust
2010-04-13, 07:45 AM
This is all kinds of terrible.
I can't even begin to address the number of problems here. :smallconfused:

The plot is retyped below for anybody who had troubles with the first two. I'm working on doing a fix on how I might salvage this.

Plot summary as I understand it:
The party is sitting in a tavern when an NPC the group recognizes approaches and asks them to join him in a backroom. No matter what the party decides, he says 'OKAY BE RIGHT BACK' and leaves.

Then a second NPC shows up, apparantly accusing the entire group of raping his daughter five years prior, and starts a brawl in which he wins thanks to GM fiat.

NPC 1 shows up again in the nick of time, proclaiming himself to be the King and that 'the heroes couldn't have done that, they were on a quest for me!' Ignoring how completely ridiculous both these claims are, NPC2 apologizes. When the King declares the party will be doing a quest for him, NPC2 declares that he's coming as well.
You might roll your eyes that the group is getting a DM PC, but don't worry - he's never mentioned again.

The quest is needlessly convoluted - apparantly, the King's land included two islands which he creatively named Little and Big Salt. One of the King's knights asked to become a king himself one day, and the current ruler saw no problems with this and granted him sovereignity over the Big Salt island. We shall hitherto refer to this guy as Evil King. Although the Good King had no idea at the time, it turns out Big Salt island was filled with diamonds, granting Evil King great wealth. Now, 'Good' King plans on retaking the island.

However, Evil King is no moron, and has trained a militia to use dwarven gunpowder rifles. He calls this crack team the 'Salt Snipers,' and they're so incredible that they took out the entire Good King's army on his first attempt at conquering the island, without a single casualty of their own.

When the party and Good King show up, thirty Salt Snipers have their guns trained and ready, but the suspense of the situation is interrupted almost completely at random by several things.

First, the party discovers that a family is onboard the ship with them, including a young boy with pure white hair that was apparantly born on a hot-air balloon. They were shot down but were 'caught on a statue' and rescued. The King reveals that he and the boy's mother are scientists (see also; Wizard) , and the boy's father is a Salt Sniper.
They, too, are never mentioned again.

Secondly, a magical tentacled fish suddenly emerges from the water, who chooses one of the PCs and gives them a prophetic warning. Either the player will need to sacrifice himself or let 'the woman he loves' die. Also, the fish points out that some of the other party members will probably die.

After meeting the fish, the King decides to TURN THIS HERE BOAT AROUND and goes back to his kingdom.

The plot abruptly changes now. Instead of doing anything with the Big Salt island, the King instead reveals that the Thieves' Guild stole a large, magical diamond from them. The party is tasked with travelling to the Thieves' Guild, infiltrating it, JOINING it, find out the names of every member of the guild, then stealing back the gem, kill the leader, and burn the place to the ground and kill as many members of the organization as possible.

Right.

So the party dutifully goes off to join the guild, but they must prove themselves. Their NEW task is to nab a magic sword, and the Thieves' Guild leader sends five (Ugh.) of his trusted pals to make sure the party doesn't do anything stupid like go off and talk to the King.

So the party then goes off and talks to the King, who informs them that the Magic Sword is capable of summoning the Elder of Evil, an entity apparantly capable of destroying the world.

So the PLAN, of course, is to get the Magic Sword, GIVE it to the leader of the Thieves' Guild so he'll trust them enough to return the Magic Gem, and then 'distract' his attentions. This will theoretically interrupt the summoning ritual, thus allowing the party to proceed with their slaughter.


What I might do
First, starting the adventure in a tavern is pretty cliche. You need to get them directly involved in the storyline. I'd suggest have them travelling on a boat. Perhaps the man, woman and white-haired child are here as well, and you can use this opportunity to explain that Wizards are called Scientists in these lands.
The party is only a few days from their destination, but some strong winds blow them offcourse and close to the Big Salt island. The Salt Snipers have been told the Good King might come back with an army or adventurers to retake the kingdom,and have been ordered to shoot on sight.

They attack the ship, and the party just barely survives. But with their sails tattered and torn and the hull of the ship leaking, they won't be able to go far.
The party is forced to land on the nearby Little Salt island (if the group makes their Spot checks, they might notice that it seems the ship is being PULLED by a large fish-like creature under the waves, but it vanishes before they get a good look).
Now back on land, they need to figure out how to get home without being killed by the Salt Snipers.

At some point they run into the Good King, who asks what they're doing in his kingdom. If the players trust the King, he explains that their kingdom is at war with the neighboring island, and he can help the PCs get home if they help him. The King, being a scientist, could create a device similar to a hot air balloon and allow the party to travel by air instead of water.

In return, all the King needs to end the war is a powerful artifact known as the Star Ocean Diamond, which was stolen from him and is currently in posession of the Thieves' Guild.

If it's a deal, the King supplies the party with weapons and armor - but not members from his army, because the guild would be suspicious.

I definitely think you should keep the 'prove yourselve worthy to join the guild' part of the story, but don't make the item the party is after a world-ending sword of ultimate power. Keep it simple and exciting. Maybe they're travelling to some underground (underWATER?) crypts to retrieve a dirty, rusted family heirloom. Whatever the case, it shouldn't be a long, tedius mission; just a dungeoncrawl with lots of treasure.

At last they return with the trinket for the Thieves' Guild, who grant them entry. The party might continue to work for the guild and you can continue your missions this way. They might also do what the King asked and steal the Star Ocean Diamond, defeat the leader of the guild in single combat, and escape into the night.

With the Thieves' Guild in chaos and the Star Ocean Diamond returned, the King is ecstatic and agrees to help the party get home. However, he does have an alternate suggestion....IF they help him take care of the Evil King once and for all, they will be made dukes and knights in the Good King's service, helping him rule the Big Salt island until the end of their days.

If they agree to help, then you can expand the campaign into the battle between the kingdoms and have the parties battle the Salt Snipers and ultimately, the Ex-Knight himself. Perhaps the Star Ocean Diamond lets the user control the waves and the creatures of the ocean, including a very powerful, very OLD Aboleth.

If not, they return to the mainlands on their airborne invention and have new, unrelated adventures awaiting them. However, the Thieves' Guild still has a bone to pick with the PCs, and has no problem hunting them down and making their lives difficult....:smallsmile:

aberratio ictus
2010-04-13, 07:56 AM
I'm sorry, Dust, but you've got it slightly wrong.

The first part, the scene with the nameless guy and the whispering guy, is clearly some kind of prologue and not really heard by the player's characters. It is actually not made clear whether those two persons belong to the thieves' guild or to a third, unknown force.

I think you mistook the good king for the evil king and vice versa in the little island story (Note: "The king of the other kingdom"), too, but now that I read it again, it actually can be read that way, I have to admit.

Simba
2010-04-13, 08:02 AM
What really helps planning a campain is a decission tree. You start with the starting point (duh!) and write down the reasons you give your players to enter the campain.

At each point where you think they could digress (be generous, there are many!) see where they might go and find ways to either integrate their behaviour into your plot or make then reconsider and pick it back up later. Don't force them, there is (almost) nothing players hate more in a DM than railroading. Ok, there is, but you get my point.

Start with a very broad plan, like in this very basic and simple example, not drawn but written:

Meet at an inn -->get to know each other --> pick up a mission

Within these 3 steps you already have 2 points where they might not do what you expect: 'get to know each other' and 'pick up a mission'. Both require consideration.

If there is a character in your group that is actively antisocial or simply hard to get to like (there usually is at least one) you need to find a reason for the group to take him on board, like already knowing one of them or a good reputation or being the victim's brother. Whatever works for you.

If the mission is really attractive and sounds relatively easy, they will usually take it. But what do you do if they don't want to rescue the damsel in distress? Find a way to motivate them, consider alternative ways of making them want to join and only force them if it can't be avoided.

It is best to do this graphically, with visio for example, or on a sheet of paper.

Once you have written down the adventure path find weaknesses, alternatives, decission points and think about them. Do they make sense to you, the players AND their characters? What would you do in their places? What do you expect them to do? What do you think they would never do?

Always consider alternatives to your plan BEFORE they become necessary. Don't tell a story, let them do it for you and steer them along as gently as you can and as forcefully as you have to.

After a session, think about what they have done and see if it has any influence on your plans for them. Take that influence into consideration when you plan the rest of the adventure.

In the end they might not do what you wanted them to do, but they will have had more fun than if you had forced them to act against their wishes because 'the plot goes that way'.

Ok, this was way more than I planned to write, but that's how it goes, right?
I hope it helped you a little bit.

kamikasei
2010-04-13, 08:03 AM
Yeah, I was fairly confused by who was meant to be who.

It reads as very stream-of-consciousness, as if the OP strung together a few scenes that inspired him via the most direct (and therefore railroady) plot possible. The way dry description of events and decisions is mixed in with somewhat irrelevant touches of detail reinforces this feeling.

OP, I'd say the thing to do is to recognize when you're building set pieces or banking up lines of description to use, and separate that from when you're trying to assemble the structure of the adventure. That the snipers look like they've killed men before is not part of the plot of the adventure. That the boy on the ship has white hair is not part of the adventure. Either of these could be plot points but as presented they're simply details that don't really affect what the players might do.

If you have a few set pieces you want to use, set them aside and find a place where they can be used to greatest effect while you hash out the flow of the story on its own merits.

So, what do your players like?


Within these 3 steps you already have 2 points where they might not do what you expect: 'get to know each other' and 'pick up a mission'. Both require consideration.

If there is a character in your group that is actively antisocial or simply hard to get to like (there usually is at least one) you need to find a reason for the group to take him on board, like already knowing one of them or a good reputation or being the victim's brother. Whatever works for you.

This is another point worth building off of. You can avoid some railroading by talking to the players before the game. Scenes of meeting in a tavern and just happening to all think it'd be a great idea to risk your lives with a bunch of crazy, armed strangers for dubious reward can be avoided if the DM presents the campaign as "you're an established party of adventurers who just completed one quest and are kicking back and relaxing now". The king claims the party worked for him five years ago - is this true? Is that something the players will know before the start of the game?

Dust
2010-04-13, 08:05 AM
The first part, the scene with the nameless guy and the whispering guy, is clearly some kind of prologue and not really heard by the player's characters.
I have a feeling it was going to be an opening that he would read aloud to his players. Obviously they won't metagame and stomp across the pub and start kicking faces in, but it's worth noting as part of the story if the GM plans to include a prologue wherein shadowy figures are whispering about the PCs on the far side of the room.


I think you mistook the good king for the evil king and vice versa in the little island story (Note: "The king of the other kingdom"), too, but now that I read it again, it actually can be read that way, I have to admit.
Not sure. This'll have to require some confirmation.

aberratio ictus
2010-04-13, 08:12 AM
I have a feeling it was going to be an opening that he would read aloud to his players. Obviously they won't metagame and stomp across the pub and start kicking faces in, but it's worth noting as part of the story if the GM plans to include a prologue wherein shadowy figures are whispering about the PCs on the far side of the room.

Of course it is. But I don't think the conversation is supposed to be held in the same tavern the players are in, or even the same region.
Be that as it may, my main concern was the little word "hear" in your sentence.
"The party is sitting in a tavern when they hear some whispering from across the room."

Dust
2010-04-13, 08:17 AM
That's true. I'll edit that.

Deephelldragon, I posted a brief summary of how I might change things. Don't take that word-for-word, but I tried to restructure the ideas you were using and make them more connected.

Irreverent Fool
2010-04-13, 09:00 AM
Players hate being told what their characters do. Avoid doing this at all costs.

How I would rewrite your scenes:

Intro:
Your party is relaxing in a local tavern, recanting tales of your most recent excursions amongst yourselves and those who lean close listening. You are far from alone in this busy room. All around you, the common folk share drinks and tale and the air is abuzz with discussion of the mundane and arcane alike. Scraps of conversation filter to your ears as you chat.
"...the crops are growing in nicely..."
"...that's no goat! That's my sister..."
"...they have no idea what we're going to use it for..."
"...and so I says to him, I says..."
"...they'll never get past my fence again..."

Some PCs will want to follow up on these conversations. Maybe if they're lower-level and they inquire about the fence bit, have some farmer mention he's had a problem with wolves. This would make an excellent entry-point for information as the farmer recounts things that he ascribes to the wolves but are actually parts of the villanous plot. Perhaps werewolves are involved. Let them 'jump the rails' of your railroad plot. It's surprisingly easy to get them back on track without them even knowing.

If they try to follow up on the "no idea what we're going to use it for" part, let them catch the tail-end of the conversation "As you wish, master. They will fall to us." Before the shadowy figures depart.

In the next section, you mention "a guy they recognize as a man they had all met". I hope this was just for us because if you say that to the players it will reveal to them a profound lack of planning or care for the world, even if he is the king. However, I think a king just waltzing intot he bar without a guard or anything stretches the suspension of disbelief. If it's important, make him an agent of the king (which you can reveal later). If they've met him before during play, allude to this. If this is a campaign intro and they haven't, explain how they know him:

Thaddius the Shepherd walks in and recognizes your party immediately. He's been a true friend to the group ever since you saved his son from the well -- and annihilated the goblin cult lurking in the hidden caves below. He beams a smile and shouts across the room, ordering another round for your table. He says he'd love to stay, but he's got to meet with old John in the back about something --

Just then, as he's turning to leave, a tankard hits him from behind. Thad turns to face his attacked and is accosted immediately by a man who has just crashed through the front door, sword in hand. A hush falls over the room. "You monster! It's taken me this long to find you, but now I'll give Briana the vengeance she deserves!" He advances on Thad.

Having the swordsman accuse Thad rather than the party gives them the opportunity to step in and act heroic. You know, like heroes. You might mention that this sort of violence is unusal here and remind them that they can make non-lethal attacks. At any rate, if you don't want the guy to die, have him surrender at half hp or so. The bit about the guy suddenly deciding to offer his help if they meet him outside of town at 5:00 seems contrived. I would avoid it.

It doesn't make sense that the 'king' was about to give them a quest and then suddely doesn't just because someone said 'meet me outside of town later'. This would be a good point to introduce the task.

After realizing he is greatly outmatched, the swordsman throws down his blade and cries for mercy. He explains that he was only seeking vengeance on the man behind them for atrocities committed five long years ago. Thaddius steps forward and says, "I haven't left this town for fifteen years! I assure you!" Murmured agreement comes from those who know him around the tavern.

The escort trip to the kingdom seems entirely irrelevant. You would be best off starting the intro with that arrival and only alluding to the events above since NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENED IN THE TAVERN APPARENTLY. Important things should take up time proportional to their importance.

Unfortunately, I'm tired, so I can't continue at the moment, but I hope you find what I've said constructive in some way and understand the points I'm trying to make (though I'll understand if you don't, I don't feel I'm being particularly clear). There are positive elements in what you have, but they must be separated from the chaff.

obnoxious
sig

deephelldragon
2010-04-13, 09:25 AM
thank you all for all of this if there is any more go ahead and post it i will be writing a new campain taking in all of the suggestions that you have on here this is some great stuff and i really think that this is going to make a great campain

deephelldragon
2010-04-13, 09:33 AM
the magic fish is an aboleth

kamikasei
2010-04-13, 09:34 AM
You're not going to get a workable campaign just by listening to us throwing out ideas.

What do your players want?

deephelldragon
2010-04-13, 09:38 AM
You're not going to get a workable campaign just by listening to us throwing out ideas.

What do your players want

it really depends on the day some times they like to just bash everybodys heads in an somedays they like to sit back and lisen to a story and get more into the story line then the killing things so it depends

Dust
2010-04-13, 09:43 AM
But there's more to it than that. Do they want to be heroes? Villains? What do their characters usually get motivated by? Money, power, making the world a better place, the thrill of combat?

Knowing what your players want will help tailor a game to suit their interests.

deephelldragon
2010-04-13, 09:47 AM
But there's more to it than that. Do they want to be heroes? Villains? What do their characters usually get motivated by? Money, power, making the world a better place, the thrill of combat?


they like to be heroes they usally go for the thrill of combat fighting things that are evil but money is always a motivatore for them they usally like to stay with one campain for a while so i have to have a good amount of quests for them to do.

Delta
2010-04-13, 09:57 AM
Please, could you try to use punctuation? It's really hard to read your posts the way you write, at least for me.

Fallbot
2010-04-13, 10:29 AM
Please, could you try to use punctuation? It's really hard to read your posts the way you write, at least for me.

Seconded.

The fish/aboleth prophecy was a good idea, if a little clumsily carried out. Giving the PCs more of a personal investment in what's happening is always nice.

DragonBaneDM
2010-04-14, 11:40 PM
This whole thing reminds me of when I was in sixth grade trying to play DnD with just the Player's Handbook.

:smallsmile:

Those were truly the best tiimes of my life, and this Forum helped see me through them.

Thank you DeepHellDragon, the Playground...nay...the WORLD, needs more people like you in it!

IonDragon
2010-04-14, 11:56 PM
OP, your post was an uninterrupted giant block of text. I will read it if you edit it.

DragonBaneDM
2010-04-15, 07:57 AM
Just read's Dust's "translation", bud. He does a really good job of summing it all up.