If Belkar had a girlfriend HE actually liked...

[Teleporker]

Okay. We know Belkar is quite the ladies man, and yet he'll forget the lady, her name, her face, her location and maybe even the good parts of her last evening of "spirited questing" the moment he walks out the door.

So, what kind of girl would it take for Belkar to actually remember her, like her, willingly follow with with no intention to murder her when she turns her back, and maybe even lo... lo... v loooooov... okay I can't say that with a straight face.

In any case, what's your picture of such a girl? What race/class? What kind of attitude/personality? What would she have to do to Roy for the Belkster to worship her like a goddess (exclude killing him, that's too obvious)? Go wild! Let your imagination fly!

Extra points if you make a believable paladin out of her.

[The MunchKING]

He'd do exactly what he doesto all his girls. Sex 'em and leave 'em.

Maybe if she can fight he'd keep her around long enough to make out on a big pile of dead hobgoblins, but still...

[Conuly]

She'd have to be sweet, portable, and full of syrup.

[CrimsonAngel]

Someone get Mrs. Butterworth!

[Draconi Redfir]

a busty halfling who enjoys murder as much as he dose, and is a tiger in the bed to keep him comeing back?


though the two would still probibly argue 20/7 :P

[CrimsonAngel]

a busty halfling who enjoys murder as much as he dose, and is a tiger in the bed to keep him comeing back?


though the two would still probibly argue 20/7 :P

But you know what? He's put up with her. He may sexualy harras her, but there has to be someone for everyone! I'll go make a pic for no raison at all.

[Zorn]

What, Miko didn't count?


Please have mercy!

[Kranden]

It would probably take a woman who walked out on him first.

[derfenrirwolv]

I don't think he could respect a woman who's standards are so low that she'd be with him.

[Raging Gene Ray]

Someone who 1) thinks he's the pinnacle of sexiness 2) whom he thinks is the pinnacle of sexiness and 3) is only interested in the sex.

Come to think of it, I think I just described the perfect girl/boyfriend for a lot of people.

[Skorj]

It would probably take a woman who walked out on him first.

This. A strong woman, even more spirited than Belkar, who insisted on fixing his many flaws was my first thought as many of the posters above, but really he gets enough of that from the entire OOTS.

A woman who, by whatever chemistry, he just can't stop thinking about, and who just leaves him as sson as she realizes the kind of guy he is (i.e., within minutes), and gives him no orders or abuse, just sadly avoids him? Definite potential. Especially if she's someone he starts feeling protective of, perhaps unintentionally rescuing her once or twice.

[Secris]

Mr Scruffy polymorphed (or whatever the correct D&D spell would be) into an an attractive female humanoid. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it.

[Zanaril]

Someone stupid enough to want to have anything to do with him, but smart enough to keep him interested. Some friendly rivalry would probably do it.

[Spiky]

Human (he seems to have a fetish)
shapely (obviously)
CE
some sort of melee class, maybe Rogue or Assassin
Level about 3-5 below him (capable, but not as much as him)
decent Int score


And he'd have to see her kill several creatures (at once) out of boredom to get him interested. Then, some sex, then this:


A woman ... who just leaves him

He'd want to find a way at this point to get her back. Then he would have someone he can fight with and play with, covers his only 2 needs. Monogamy seems a bit much to ask, but he'd keep coming back, anyway.

[Rhydeble]

I'm pretty sure it'd take a V

Now I'm off to the crack-corner.

[Optimystik]

She'd have to be sweet, portable, and full of syrup.


Someone get Mrs. Butterworth!

I lol'd hard.


I'm pretty sure it'd take a V

Now I'm off to the crack-corner.

That, friend, is a raw wound yet.

[Cogidubnus]

I quote V's theory - he only has a protobrain. He can't like, or love.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0335.html

[Tira-chan]

I'm pretty sure it'd take a V

Now I'm off to the crack-corner.

Well, Belkar does canonically 'want to schtup' V...

Actually, V does have a lot of the traits it might take to keep Belkar interested. She's violent, she's ruthless, and she hates his guts. Sure, he'll say it with bees, and possibly daggers, but he just can't stop thinking about her.

[WarKitty]

Definitely V. I was thinking that she'd have had to try to kill him at least once for him to be interested.

[CasESenSITItiVE]

i hear alot of "she'd have to be violent, like him" but i think if he found someone too much like him, they'd just try to kill each other. frankly, i always thought that was part of what fuelled the flames with yikyik

[Tira-chan]

i hear alot of "she'd have to be violent, like him" but i think if he found someone too much like him, they'd just try to kill each other. frankly, i always thought that was part of what fuelled the flames with yikyik

Except if she couldn't keep up with him in combat, he wouldn't respect her. For example, Haley goes way up in his books by killing all those hobgoblins. It would possibly be better if it was directed away from him, instead of towards him, but he might see violence as a turn on, too.

Plus, Yikyik isn't an attractive elf woman.

[saevitia]

Why are we sitting here trying to come up with a Mary-Sue for Belkar?

[BatRobin]

Why are we sitting here trying to come up with a Mary-Sue for Belkar?

Do you have a better place? Didn't think so.

[hihidude]

Why are we sitting here trying to come up with a Mary-Sue for Belkar?

Because we have absolutely nothing better to do. And maybe if there wasn't an Elan it might be Haley.

[Zevox]

The kind of girl Belkar could actually like in any way beyond simple sexual lust would probably kill him the first time he made a sexist remark around her. Which, knowing him, wouldn't take much more than a few minutes after they met.

Zevox

[Moff Chumley]

I don't think he could respect a woman who's standards are so low that she'd be with him.

Seems like a stunt Rich would pull.


Someone who 1) thinks he's the pinnacle of sexiness 2) whom he thinks is the pinnacle of sexiness and 3) is only interested in the sex.

Come to think of it, I think I just described the perfect girl/boyfriend for a lot of people.

Indeed. :smallsigh:

I'm throwing my lot in with the V camp...

[Dr.Epic]

the type of girl who can cast Owl's Wisdom and turn him into a decent humanoid

[Kranden]

Mr Scruffy polymorphed (or whatever the correct D&D spell would be) into an an attractive female humanoid. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it.

you are so going to internet hell

[Moff Chumley]

What, like /b/?

[SaintRidley]

you are so going to internet hell


Been there, done that.

Note to Secris - don't eat the cake. It's full of scorpions. And not cake.

[veti]

A female version of Shojo. Cleverer than Belkar, more devious, and as high-levelled as him (although not necessarily in a combat class). A hobby of "abusing paladins" would also be a plus. All you need to add to that is sufficient open-mindedness to accept Belkar's personality and talk to him on his own terms - like ghost-Shojo - and you're there.

[Draz74]

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned "Roy wearing the gender-change belt" yet. :smalltongue:

[Dancing_Fox]

In any case, what's your picture of such a girl?

Where's your attempt?

Maybe not fair to single out THIS thread as being any more guilty than others, but I do like it if the original poster actually makes an effort to address their own challenge or query, rather than just plucking a question out of the air and expecting the masses to provide the entertainment.

Seems to be more of that going around, these days.

/End grizzly rant.

[Secris]

Maybe he/she couldn't think of one, Fox? :P


you are so going to internet hell

I hear it's nice this time of year.

[KiwiImperator]

A particularly goblin-hating elf might work, one who knows how to track, and can lead him to new deposits of slaughter, and who has the same cool cucumber snarkiness as the Lieutenant from a few strips back. This contrasts well with Belkar's straightforward psychosis, it'd be like a cop show/romantic comedy, except with genocide.

[derfenrirwolv]

A particularly goblin-hating elf might work, one who knows how to track, and can lead him to new deposits of slaughter, and who has the same cool cucumber snarkiness as the Lieutenant from a few strips back. This contrasts well with Belkar's straightforward psychosis, it'd be like a cop show/romantic comedy, except with genocide.

Why am i hearing the themesong to Roarshach and Deadpool running through my head...

[megabyter5]

A particularly goblin-hating elf might work, one who knows how to track, and can lead him to new deposits of slaughter, and who has the same cool cucumber snarkiness as the Lieutenant from a few strips back. This contrasts well with Belkar's straightforward psychosis, it'd be like a cop show/romantic comedy, except with genocide.

Belkar doesn't know the difference between romantic comedy and genocide.

[Souhiro]

I Think that that girl needed to be liike Bayonetta: A mass murder person

[BeholderMage]

i hear alot of "she'd have to be violent, like him" but i think if he found someone too much like him, they'd just try to kill each other. frankly, i always thought that was part of what fuelled the flames with yikyik

Just because they're trying to kill each other doesn't mean they don't love each other. This is one time when I'll admit, full up, evil people love is different from normal people love. To normal people, cyanide in their coffee means "call the police" to evil people, it's foreplay. Hell, it's already possible that violence in general gets Belkar aroused, he seems to extols his sexiness more when he's just killed a bunch of people.


Why are we sitting here trying to come up with a Mary-Sue for Belkar?
Who said she had to be a Mary Sue?

And because a Mary Sue for Belkar would still be more interesting than yet another Linear Guild diversion.

[Raging Gene Ray]

i hear alot of "she'd have to be violent, like him" but i think if he found someone too much like him, they'd just try to kill each other. frankly, i always thought that was part of what fuelled the flames with yikyik

Yeah, but Yikyik didn't have girly parts.

[Eldan]

Hmm. I live the wisdom casting idea. What about he got someone who cast a few wishes on him to increase his wisdom permanently?

[Ikialev]

Yeah, but Yikyik didn't have girly parts.
Yeah, but who ever heard of a reptile with breasts?
The girly parts are just not visible.

[Scarlet Knight]

What, Miko didn't count?


Please have mercy!

You know this is not so far fetched as you think. She was a violent fighter, & really challenged Belkar. It was Miko who he wanted to chase him. When he could have killed her, he didn't. He was having more fun with the running battle than in winning.

We know she's hot looking; I think Belkar would have loved the idea ( if he had thought of it) of making her fall by having Miko engage in some form of perverse sex...

:miko: "You wish me to do what?"

:belkar: "Just for today's performance. The regular girl is sick, the centaur's ready , and the seats are packed! These people NEED you to bring pleasure to their miserable lives! "

:miko: "I will bear this because of my love for you Belkar."

:belkar: "That's my girl! I'll hop in during act III..."

[Teleporker]

Where's your attempt?

Maybe not fair to single out THIS thread as being any more guilty than others, but I do like it if the original poster actually makes an effort to address their own challenge or query, rather than just plucking a question out of the air and expecting the masses to provide the entertainment.

Seems to be more of that going around, these days.

/End grizzly rant.

You have a point my friend. To be honest, It's nowhere because I couldn't think of anything funny... or rather, I have an idea or two, but with Belkar's personality, it's though making any sense out of it.

Anyway, fair is fair. Let's put mine up and see how everyone blasts me for it...


She'd have to be chaotic neutral (is that even an alignment anymore?). That way, she can go "both ways" on her own whims, just so she can play the "goody two-shoes" card with the party and step on the dark side of the pond for a good time with the Belkster.

She'd have to be okay with Belkar being a murderer, and maybe be a stylish assassin herself. You know, make them suffer while keeping it classy. Belkar HAS to fall for that.

She'd have to leave him with near-X's in his eyes every time they go to bed. Nuff' said.

I picture her being human, or maybe half-elf. He seems to like them bigger than himself so far (not that he'd say no to a hot she-halfling, but so far there is no evidence of that).

I imagine her being an exotic amazon-type barbarian from a tribe where kill or be killed is pretty much their way of life. With a "Survival of the fittest" motto and stuff. That way, she'd probably like Belkar out of respect for his "sKills" (yes that is misspelled on purpose), while carefully staying neutral for the rest of the party since to her, killing is a "culture thing".

Now, if I could only think of a way for her to humiliate Roy and make him think it's HIS fault while Belkar is watching, I think I'd have my final nail for the coffin. Suggestions?

[Tira-chan]

Now, if I could only think of a way for her to humiliate Roy and make him think it's HIS fault while Belkar is watching, I think I'd have my final nail for the coffin. Suggestions?

Roy yells at her for unnecessary killing. She accuses him of being sexist and oppressing her culture. Roy falls over himself trying to apologize.


What, Miko didn't count?


Please have mercy!

Crack pairing time!

[silvadel]

Awaken the cat.

[Caelis]

Simple, it would be Tsukiko: 'Love is only one spell away'. :smallwink:

[Tira-chan]

Simple, it would be Tsukiko: 'Love is only one spell away'. :smallwink:

If he was with Tsuki-chan, it'd be two spells.

[Teleporker]

If he was with Tsuki-chan, it'd be two spells.

Nah... his last known reaction to her was "let's throw an angry house cat at her face and see how it turns out". I bet Belkar would give her trouble even if she raised him as an undead with no will, and that would be assuming she does want to raise him rather than making him re-incarnate into a cockroach.

Plus, I dont know, but assuming they somehow got along well enough to date, wouldn't Belkar find it frustrating that she keeps undoing his work? I can almost picture him yelling something like :belkar: "DAMN IT! NOTHING I KILL STAYS DEAD ANYMORE!"

[CletusMusashi]

Veti beat to the punch on the "female Shojo type." Eviler, of course, though. Sort of a young, attractive, female, human, evil Shojo. Someone who pulls all kinds of strings just to watch the puppets kill each other, and gets away with it. I think illusionist might be a good option. Someone who likes using their power for sadistic fun, but in roundabout ways that to Belkar's "see person, attack person" way of thinking come across across as amazing new surprises every time. He's seen tough fighter chicks before. What we "needs" is somebody who makes him laugh, rather than who competes with him for alpha-brawler status.

[Glass Mouse]

1. Make Belkar gain a lot more levels.
2. Sabine's superiors need someone powerful. Send Sabine.
3. ???
4. (sexy) PROFIT!!!

[Haven]

This thread gives me a really dark idea. Basically, Belkar getting his ass kicked, being captured, and then developing Stockholm syndrome. :smalleek:

[enigmatime]

This thread gives me a really dark idea. Basically, Belkar getting his ass kicked, being captured, and then developing Stockholm syndrome. :smalleek:

That's... That's... That's horrible!

Probably someone that saves Scruffy when he's pinned to the ground under a mountain of all the hobgoblins he's killed.

[Weimann]

I'm in on the "chick is a CE thrill-killer who leaves Belkar first", basically one-upping him on being him. That would send him into a hateful, obsessive rivalry where they're just as likely to slit each other's throats as bump uglies and... that's as good as it gets for Belkar.

At least he has his cat.

[Forever Curious]

Mr Scruffy polymorphed (or whatever the correct D&D spell would be) into an an attractive female humanoid. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it.

Fixed that for you! :smallbiggrin:

[Torick]

Well, Celia, of course. I mean, opposites do attract, no? :smallwink:

Kidding aside, for being the opposite of everything Belkar stands for, it's remarkable how little time he spends antagonizing the sylph (as opposed to, say, Haley, Roy, and even V).

[Secris]

Fixed that for you! :smallbiggrin:

I don't think it counts as a girlfriend if the person (or animal as the case may be) is male. And yes, I'm saying it, Mr Scruffy is male and isn't just some weird nickname for a female cat. Go ahead, start a whole new gender debate... I dare you!

[jldebruijn]

She has to understand how Belkar feels and ''plays along'' and she has to like Mr. Scruffy :P

Wild in bed, never ask for sandwiches if Belkar brings two, be hot, be true neutral and hates V, loves Haley (yes, a bisexual girlfriend for belkie :P), and makes stupid jokes out of Elan..

[Asta Kask]

If Belkar had a girlfriend HE actually liked...

...he wouldn't be Belkar anymore.

[Glass Mouse]

Oh, also a few years ago, there was a thread about this very same subject: Belkar's Romantic Intrest (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34127). Of course, it's been dead for years, but it still gets hilarious after a while (especially when the first image crafters show up).

What? Just trying to spread the love! :smallbiggrin:

[Teleporker]

Well, Celia, of course. I mean, opposites do attract, no? :smallwink:

Kidding aside, for being the opposite of everything Belkar stands for, it's remarkable how little time he spends antagonizing the sylph (as opposed to, say, Haley, Roy, and even V).

Now that you mention it, yeah... hardly any Belkar-sided interaction towards Celia. She did hate his guts, but he practically didn't care for her. I'm not gonna re-read the archive, but I seem to recall he took pretty much all his ranting with Haley during their trip, and the closest thing I recall to "Interaction" was the "Cart Fairy" issue... and the open-mouth-vomit issue...

In any case, nah. Celia and Belkar? Assuming something ever happened? He'd do it just to see Roy's face when he gets out of her bedroom, and dump her afterwards. Maybe he'd say something along the lines of "craft disturbing mental image" for added flavor.

I'm starting to think we'd have more fun with a thread where we imagine how Belkar dumps girls who fall for him and gets away with it. Any takers?

[electricbee]

I could see Belkar with an anti-Miko.

I'm picturing the Bride from Kill Bill crossed with Mace Windu with a little Dexter thrown in.

Paladin who knows she's got the evil tendancies but who is self aware enough to consciosly channel the base urges into killing bad guys. She would be genre and alignment savvy enough to be utterly brutal while not crossing the line.

I think his visionquest epiphany to play the game (and cheat) might have evolved him just a touch past the lust/hate protobrain nub.

I see it as her channeling his violent tendancies and him trying to drag her into the deep end of the alignment pool (which, due to her high wisdom, she is good at noticing and resisting).

[RecklessFable]

He does not like competition. Anything like an equal would be a rival, thus necessitating stabby death.

No single creature would satisfy him for long, even if such an equal existed.

The closest thing I can think of would be an Avatar of the Goddess of Masochism. Something that he could kill over and over when otherwise bored.

[icastflare!]

i think chaotic evil means your equal should be burned for your entertainment.

[NXTangl]

Wait, this thread is still up?


After...

You know...

ack-kay
a1r1ng5-paj
3ad - t|-|ray
incident-ay?

:amused:

Disguised with 1337speak and pig latin to fool the mods' Bayesian combs

[Detrinex]

Probably the female Roy.

[Cealocanth]

At first I thought it'd be someone simmilar to Belkar, but then I remembered Yikyik aka: Belkar in kolbold form. They hated each other. So I think Belkar will be attracted to his complete opposite, a lawfull good divine/warrior class who's got enough of a stick in order to walk out on Belkar first, therefore forcing him to follow.

... I think I just described Miko. If only she had a thing for halflings, then she'd be perfect.

[Luzahn]

I think the main point of Belkar is he cannot like anything, only be amused by it.

[apenpaap]

I think the only way Belkar and the hypothetical girl he'd be interested in beyond sex could possibly be together was if they were both in the hells already, as they would kill each other within minutes. And guess were Belkar is going pretty soon?

[Prowl]

Any woman who treats him like dirt would probably do the trick.

Just ask the ladies - it works. Unfortunately.

[Damaris]

The "female version of Shojo"-thing makes sense to me...


Oh, also a few years ago, there was a thread about this very same subject: Belkar's Romantic Intrest (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34127). Of course, it's been dead for years, but it still gets hilarious after a while (especially when the first image crafters show up).

What? Just trying to spread the love! :smallbiggrin:

Oh God, I remember stumbling over that thread, it's *brilliant*.