Storytellin'

[Lord Raziere]

Hello everyone.

As you know, my name is Raziere. Thing is I have a problem, or should I say HAD a problem? The problem I had is that even though I want to be a writer someday, write novels books and all that, and I need criticism for my style to improve and and get better in general, I cannot actually reveal too much of my book to everyone or it is ruined because everyone can read it without paying for it.

This thread, is my solution to that problem.
Basically, all I'm going to do is write a story that is never going to be published- a story that will be used to flesh out and improve my writing style but not for my books themselves, I will not even be using the same setting or characters for this story, and I will not even plan what I'm going to write out beforehand- how the setting itself works will be revealed as it goes along and will be entirely dependent on how good of a storyteller I am.

So sit back, feel free to critique, I'm making this up as I go along. As for when you will get the first actual in-story post? Dunno. I'll try to shoot for "before Saturday". As for why I am not using the writers workshop thread for this? because I feel like it.

that's all.

[Comet]

The writers' workshop thread is very dissapointed, man.

Joking. Have fun and let's hope you get a lot of good critique :smallsmile:

[Haruki-kun]

*puts on critic glasses*

*grabs cup of coffee*

*sits on armchair*

OK, I'm ready. :smallwink:

[Just_Ice]

Critiquing is my favourite passtime, and I'm not half bad at it. I'll try to be nice.

[Lord Raziere]

OOS: ok, how about I stop being lazy and start writing? here goes nothing...

Galvo blinking in the suns bright light put on his sombrero. At least he had some shade now. He took a drink from his waterskin, he was sweating out in this heat. Dwarves generally didn't dwell in the Southern Cities. Their beards, their fondness for the cold and their general hairiness made them hotter than they should be, and they like to put on layers of clothing- a psychological Dwarven thing, putting on layers made them feel safer.

Galvo however was dressed in little more than shabby brown pants, a thin linen shirt and a couple of sandals, with the aforementioned sombrero on his head. His hair was black, and his eyes were ruby-red with octagonal irises, his skin was tan from spending so much time this far south.

The dwarven psychological need of layers to feel safe still applied to Galvo, however this just meant something different for him; it meant that he has in danger. Being in danger was exciting.

He was walking through an expansive marketplace, a bazaar that gone on for miles upon miles, where various merchants came and went to sell whatever was needed, punctuated of course by con men being beaten up by an orc or a golem.

Galvo snorted at the various magical goods he passed by, potions that merchants claimed could make one young, or win over a lady, or make your crops grow instantly. He ignored the various supposed enchanted shirts designed to protect from demons or ghosts, or even a dragons flame.
Sure, some of these goods might be the real deal, but Galvo wasn't here for any of that.

He was here for a sapphire. He had been following the person carrying said sapphire for a few hours now. The person carrying the sapphire was nothing but some minor archaeologist, Galvo didn't even care to know his name. He just knew that his boss wanted it, and that Galvo was gonna get it. If Galvo got it, he would get a reward.

So far, Galvo was being patient. You didn't steal a sapphire by going up to the guy, punching him, taking it then running away, you had to wait for the right moment.

Then Galvo saw his moment: the archaeologist was suddenly admiring some random piece of pottery, it probably wasn't even valuable and the guy was standing right there, looking at that thing as if it was the most priceless piece of pottery in the world. What an idiot. Galvo thought. That sapphire is what he should be paying attention to.
Galvo ran up to the archaeologist, punched him in the face, took the sapphire
from the guy's pocket then ran away.

Hey, it was the right moment.

[DSCrankshaw]

One thing you should be careful of is formatting. In a bulletin board, it helps a lot if rather than indenting, you put spaces between your paragraphs.

[Piedmon_Sama]

Galvo, blinking in the sun's bright light, put on his sombrero. At least he had some shade now. He took a drink from his waterskin, he was sweating out in this heat.

Your switch from perfect (took) to imperfect (was sweating) in the same sentence reads oddly; I've never heard the phrase "he was sweating out."

Dwarves generally didn't dwell in the Southern Cities. Their beards, their fondness for the cold, and their general hairiness made them hotter than they should be, and they like to put on layers of clothing- a psychological Dwarven thing, putting on layers made them feel safer.
You use "and" twice; unless you are trying to create a rythm in your prose, I suggest avoiding suchrepetition. You jump from perfect to present tense with "they like." Stylistic errors like that will take the reader right out of your story.

Galvo, however, was dressed in little more than shabby brown pants, [I recommend using a semicolon ";" rather than a comma here to avoid a run-on sentence.] a thin linen shirt, and a couple of sandals, [You mean "a pair of sandals"] with the aforementioned sombrero on his head.

His hair was black, and his eyes were ruby-red octagonal irises, his skin was tan from spending so much time this far south.
This sentence makes it sound like his eyes are all iris.

The dwarven psychological need of layers to feel safe still applied to Galvo, [I again recommend a semicolon here] however this just meant something different for him; [and that semicolon should be a full colon ":"] it meant that he was in danger. Being in danger was exciting.

He was walking through an expansive marketplace, a bazaar that went on for miles upon miles, Either use a semicolon here, or make it a complete sentence and replace "where" with "here,"] where various merchants came and went to sell whatever was needed, punctuated of course by con men being beaten up by an orc or a golem.

Galvo snorted at the various magical goods he passed by, potions that merchants claimed could make one young, or win over a lady, or make your crops grow instantly. He ignored the various supposedly enchanted shirts, designed to protect from demons or ghosts, or even a dragon's flame.

Sure, some of these goods might be the real deal, but Galvo wasn't here for any of that.
He was here for a sapphire. He had been following the person carrying said sapphire for a few hours now. The person carrying the sapphire was nothing but some minor archaeologist, [start a new sentence here] Galvo didn't even care to know his name. He just knew that his boss wanted it, and that Galvo was gonna get it. If Galvo got it, he would get a reward.

So far, Galvo was being patient. You didn't steal a sapphire by going up to the guy, punching him, taking it, then running away[period!], you had to wait for the right moment.

Then Galvo saw his moment: the archaeologist was suddenly admiring some random piece of pottery, [period or semicolon] it probably wasn't even valuable and the guy was standing right there, looking at that thing as if it was the most priceless piece of pottery in the world. What an idiot.
Galvo ran up to the archaeologist, punched him in the face, and took the sapphire from the guy's pocket, then ran away. [I suggest a line-break here to create a pause before your punchline.] Hey, it was the right moment.

Sorry if I seem abrupt/harsh with the suggestions, I decided to focus mostly on grammar which is less helpful than the matter, I know. Good luck!

[Savannah]

Piedmon_Sama already explained the grammar, so I'd like to talk about the content. I'm going to give a general disclaimer here: everything in this post is my opinion, and yours may differ. (I just don't want to have to say, "In my opinion,..." every sentence :smalltongue:) Also, I'm going to be rather negative, because I'm focusing on what you can improve, so I apologize in advance.

This reads like the introduction to a story. As such, it needs to grab the reader's attention and pull them into the world, or else they won't keep reading. Unfortunately, this introduction is not very catchy. It lacks focus and has way too much description before the action happens. Unless it will be important in the story later, the reader doesn't really need to know what a character's eye color is, for example.

I know you are trying to have a funny story with the whole "it was the right moment" thing, but it comes across as stupid. Why one earth would he punch the guy out in a busy marketplace when:
a) multiple people can see him
b) he is likely to be the only dwarf there and therefore easy to catch
c) he knows there are orcs and golems who aren't afraid to beat up criminals?
It makes me dislike him because he is just a stupid thug. Not really a good start the a character.

I took the liberty of rewriting your story, with some comments, as I couldn't figure out a way to describe the changes to the structure that I think would improve it without rewriting it. I hope you don't mind! (numbers are just to match paragraphs up with comments):

(1) The market stretched for miles upon miles. Merchants came and went, selling whatever was needed, while con-men were quickly and roughly ejected by orcs or golems. In one corner stood a black-haired dwarf in shabby brown pants and a thin linen shirt, blinking in the sun. This was an unusual sight in the Southern Cities: dwarves’ beards and general hairiness, as well as their nearly compulsive need to dress in layers to make themselves feel safe meant that they were usually too hot in this area.

(2) Galvo, however, was not a typical dwarf. He liked the feeling of danger from light clothing. Being in danger was exciting. He put on his sombrero and set off through the crowds, snorting in disgust at all the magical goods arrayed around him. He doubted that most of it was good for anything but making a quick coin. Besides, Galvo wasn’t here for that. He was here for the sapphire.

(3) He had been following its owner for a few hours now. The man was nothing more than a minor archaeologist; Galvo did not know his name, nor did he want to. Galvo just knew that the boss wanted the gem and that Galvo was going to get it. The reward was substantial.

(4) Galvo had been patient all morning and finally it paid off. The archaeologist was examining a random piece of pottery; Galvo doubted it was valuable, but his target was just standing there admiring it. What an idiot, thought Galvo, as he stooped to grab a pebble.

(5) The man did not notice Galvo as he walked softly up and swapped the pebble for the sapphire. With a smirk, Galvo strolled away.


(1) Here, my idea was to give a broad idea of where the story begins, and then to focus on the main character. You could just as well do what you did in your first paragraph by starting with the character and then moving to the setting, but since the rest is quite focused on Galvo, I thought it flowed better like this.

Giving the market description and Galvo's description as soon as possible lets the reader see where the story takes place and who will be important, so they can have a clear picture of what is going on.

(2) Trying to get into Galvo's head a bit here. We've established that he's unusual, so why is he unusual? What is he doing here? We get a bit of his daring, reckless, and possibly cynical personality.

I really liked your line about Galvo not being interested in the magic items, but instead was here because of the sapphire, so I included it here. I felt that it was too late in your story, which added to the feeling of too much description.

(3) As (2). This also establishes that Galvo is a professional thief working for a higher power, without really caring too much about what he does.

(4) Action, without giving away his plan + a bit more of Galvo's thoughts.

(5) Success! He's got the sapphire in a clever way that also allows him an easy getaway. If you were planning a chase scene after he punched the archaeologist, you could have the pottery merchant spot him and call the guards.

I'm sure that my rewrite could use some editing itself, and I significantly changed the tone of the ending (sorry :smallredface:), but hopefully it gives you some ideas!

[Lord Raziere]

OOS:remember, I'm just making this up as I go along, I didn't plan it out, this is mostly just to see how good of a storyteller I am already and how I can improve.

besides, it wouldn't make any difference if Galvo changes his method or not... this happens:

IS:
Galvo so caught up running, skids to halt as what seemed to be an elf wearing pirate clothes came in front of him.
"Oy, dwarf, hand ovah da gem and me won't stabber ya."
The elves unsheathed his dagger.
"capeche? Much prefer no stabber ya, gots it? hand it ovah."
Galvo kept the sapphire away from the elf
"No can do, hombre. This here is gonna get me mucho money."
"ha. funny talk coming from da guy hu dain't even earn da thing he got- used amatyah hit-and run tactics, fork it ovah to da professionah, beardie."
Galvo just happened to see the guards- a human, orc and a goblin- coming towards them in pursuit.
"Have it, hombre." Glavo said, tossing the sapphire to the elf-pirate then taking off as the guards started running to the elf.
Realizing the guards were after the sapphire, the elf started running after Galvo.
"Take it back!" The elf threw it back to Galvo, who caught it with a cheeky smile.

The elf-pirate then slapped him self in the face as he ran. How did a dwarf mess up his plans so easily? and of course the rest of the Mafia will be angry for Galvo doing this! He heard of the dwarf: an unorthodox thief, chose tactics that unnecessarily put him in danger but kept the competition away from what he stole. Other thieves had expressed how annoying the dwarf was, not following the conventional rules of thievery and instead causing these chases and chaos in his midst, he heard that the dwarf actually gone out of his way to be this reckless, that he relished the challenge of not doing it right.

The current situation, the elf supposed, was proof that the dwarf's method worked.
However he was gaining upon the little runt of nature, thank the gods for longer legs! He tackled Galvo the fell wrestling for the diamond, after some punching and scrabbling. Then both of their hands touched the sapphire.

That was where things went wrong.

When both of their hands were on the sapphire, its started shining a great blue light, everyone stopped the trading and haggling look what happened: there was a flash...
Then everything returned to normal, with the dwarf and the elf touching the sapphire in the exact same position as they were a second ago.

They both screamed and dropped the sapphire. They were in each others bodies.

[Savannah]

OOS:remember, I'm just making this up as I go along, I didn't plan it out, this is mostly just to see how good of a storyteller I am already and how I can improve.

Well, then, I'm not sure how much it will apply to writing a book. You are basically showing us a first draft with no idea where you are going, while you would have at least an idea of what was going on for a book. First drafts are never good quality, so this is not a good test of your writing skills.

I stopped reading after the first two lines of the conversation. Written accents, unless they are very mild, are extremely frustrating to read. Just say he has an accent and write the lines normally.

[Comet]

I stopped reading after the first two lines of the conversation. Written accents, unless they are very mild, are extremely frustrating to read. Just say he has an accent and write the lines normally.

Written accents can be done, though. I've seen them pulled succesfully once or twice.
But yeah, they're dangerous territory. At least for me, as a non-native english speaker, it's very hard to map out what kind of sounds the letters actually stand for when one deviates from the standard written form of english. Also, because you tend to have such a strong image in your head as to what the characters should sound like, proofreading non-standard dialogue can be potentially impossible.

It's an interesting subject. And one that I used to have great enthusiasm for, until I slowly came to realise that my 'accents' we're actually little more than crude stereotypes forced into the mouths of otherwise perfectly serviceable characters.

As for the story itself, I really gotta see more before I can decide how good it is. It's definetly setting up to be a fun enough ride, though I do kinda dislike the rather standard use of the usual subjects of fantasy races (elves, dwarves, the works).
And I know this is a kind of 'first draft', but some proofreading can go a long way. It's not a huge thing for a project like this, but it couldn't hurt.

edit: oh, I also wouldn't mind having slightly longer updates. That way we could get more story in one go and you could maybe pace things slightly more evenly.

[Lord Raziere]

hmph. that all? sounds to me you don't want me to improve this story, rather it sounds like you want me to make an entirely different story from all your comments, is that what you want?

[Savannah]

No, not really. I just think you are hurting yourself with your current method. If I were you, I'd write a short story, proofread and edit it at least once, then post it. This will simulate the "writing your book" environment better. Then, once you get feedback on the story, you might even want to edit it again and repost it for more feedback.

[Lord Raziere]

No, not really. I just think you are hurting yourself with your current method. If I were you, I'd write a short story, proofread and edit it at least once, then post it. This will simulate the "writing your book" environment better. Then, once you get feedback on the story, you might even want to edit it again and repost it for more feedback.

......ok.....got it......short story......I can do that.....in fact I've already got one short story about the character I'm going to write in my books, and are developing two more for him, none of it is connected to the larger plot of my books so no chance of spoiling my books for anyone

think that will be satisfactory?

[Teutonic Knight]

What happened to the story you posted in the Writer's Workshop?

[Lord Raziere]

What happened to the story you posted in the Writer's Workshop?

that IS an excerpt of the main story.

[Rutskarn]

Hello everyone.

As you know, my name is Raziere. Thing is I have a problem, or should I say HAD a problem? The problem I had is that even though I want to be a writer someday, write novels books and all that, and I need criticism for my style to improve and and get better in general, I cannot actually reveal too much of my book to everyone or it is ruined because everyone can read it without paying for it.

This thread, is my solution to that problem.
Basically, all I'm going to do is write a story that is never going to be published- a story that will be used to flesh out and improve my writing style but not for my books themselves, I will not even be using the same setting or characters for this story, and I will not even plan what I'm going to write out beforehand- how the setting itself works will be revealed as it goes along and will be entirely dependent on how good of a storyteller I am.

So sit back, feel free to critique, I'm making this up as I go along. As for when you will get the first actual in-story post? Dunno. I'll try to shoot for "before Saturday". As for why I am not using the writers workshop thread for this? because I feel like it.

that's all.

Not much to say except: this worked for me. I'm 100 pages into my own version of this, and I finish this week.

Keep at it. I'll throw you some crit if I get the time.

[Lord Raziere]

ok, I'm gonna post my first short story now, this version is actually the one I've modified to keep it up-to-date with how the rest of the setting is, as the original version was made before I got the whole thing fleshed out, however the changes are minor.

so yeah, please critique this.

The Broken Deal:

Trizap walked into the building, his companions followed. Trizap was a Felinian- a humanoid descended from cats, who had tiger fur all over his body, whiskers for a mustache, cat ears and a tail to top it all off. He wore a blue shirt, black pants and a leather jacket, between his two green eyes was a scar that ran diagonally from his right forehead to his left cheek. His companions were Kyrshia, a female Felinian like him who had the same tiger fur, she however had blue eyes and short black human-like hair on her head, wore a red shirt and wore grey pants, at her belt was a bunch of metal blades.
Zeran was a Felinian with black fur and yellow eyes, he wore a brown trenchcoat, a white shirt and grey pants. Next was Shoken a Caninian, who was descended from wolves. He wore leather clothing and carried no weapons, Trizap knew that Shoken needed no weapons to fight. Lastly was Selendria a Plantaen, she was descended from plants and the only function her mouth served was for talking.
She didn’t need to eat, and she breathed through her green skin as she neither had, nor needed a nose. She wore long flowing robes of light blue and had long hair made of vines.
The building they were currently walking through was a base. A base led by their client.

They walked through it, going past soldiers patrolling, guarding or hurrying. The soldiers wore armor of some high-tech alloy and carried machine guns at all times, their metallic helmets obscuring their faces. The building was square and angular, all plain and stark.
Trizap didn’t like such a style, his idea of technology and architecture was more curving and streamlined where halls flowed seamlessly into rooms and floors subtly curved into walls. He didn’t like the computers he saw either, they still used THAT many buttons?
How inefficient. That and he noticed many of the stuff he saw was already outdated technology on many worlds he had visited before. Fits this backwater world well, Trizap thought wryly, as we wouldn’t have come here out of choice.

The five friends entered a room that was just stark and plain as all the others. The only difference was that this one was larger, and it had a general seated at the end of a big table. “Hello, General Zaafnis” Trizap greeted him as he walked towards him.
“Greetings to you, I trust that your mercenaries who decided to answer my call?”
General Zaafnis was a bald person with red skin. He had four eyes, all of them purple and he wore the same high-tech armor as his soldiers, but it was painted yellow on the shoulder pads to show his status.
“Yes, we are General Zaafnis” Zeran answered.
“Why have you decided to do so?”
This time Trizap answered “We done so because we are low on supplies, we need the money to get more, simple as that, we will fight whoever you want for the money”
“Ah, that is all? Well let me fill you in on the situation.”
Zaafnis pressed a button on the table and a three dimensional digital map appeared over the table. It showed Zaafnis’s base on a coast, a few miles out to sea was an island with another base on it.
“You see, the island is home to a bunch of rebels that believe the local government is not the right government, it has a force of ten medium class ships and twenty BACTs, and it is going to attack the base here. I want you to attack them first, wipe them out before they become an actual threat.” Trizap considered the job, it seemed a reasonable offer. “Deal, we’ll get rid of them, and you’ll give us our money” Trizap and Zaafnis shook on it.
It was deal alright. The companions walk backed towards their ship.

While they walked Kyrshia whispered to Trizap “I don’t trust Zaafnis, the job seems too simple”
“It was a quick deal Kyrshia, verbal, of course it is simple.”
“It just smells fishy to me”
“Look, a deals a deal, deals are important”
“Important to what?”
“Everything, our current situation, society, the economy, civilization in general”
“Really? You think everything revolves around deals?”
“Yea, everything is constructed from multiple interconnecting deals that hold everything up, the law for example makes this deal: follow the rules and we won’t punish you. The economy, you give us unimportant little circles, we will give you valuable items, everything in society, is about deals. You break those deals and everything breaks down”
“Never thought about it that way”
“Of course it is ok to break unfair deals cause only one person gains something from it, unfair deals are always good to break as deals are meant to benefit both people in the deal, only benefits one person, then its an unfair deal”
“Well obviously….”
“Anyways, its just a deal that will get us money, lets go and fulfill it”
“The deal still seems kind of shifty to me…..”

They walked into The Claw, their battle shuttle. It was painted blue, oval shaped and streamlined. On the interior the room was cylinder shaped and doorways were circular, and it was all painted white on the inside. Trizap sat in the cockpit where everything was white and curved like everything else on the inside, there was a big oval window showing him what was directly in front of the ship.
“Ok everyone, prepare for lift off” Trizap said
They all got ready, bracing themselves for the inevitable rush.
Trizap activated the Launch sequence, in thirty seconds the ships anti-gravity engines started, blasting
the shuttle off like a bullet, out of the hangar and into the air, everything outside speeding by him, making the ship around him vibrate a little at the sudden start. It eventually leveled out and started flying smoothly.
“That always gets me excited inside, lets me know exciting things are about to happen”
Trizap muttered to no one in particular.

The ship zoomed over the pristine water. It glittered with solar light, reflecting everything in one big distorted ever-changing mirror. It was a sunny and warm day, one in contrast to the fighting that was about to break out.
“What do the scanners say?”
“There are some BACTs and some ships as Zaafnis said, numbers are still being figured out” Kyrshia called back
“Prepare for battle mode, lets take them out quick so we can get off this planet”
BACTs were giant robots piloted by a single humanoid life form, armored with a lot of weapons. They were commonly used as all-purpose fighting vehicles
“Looks like they picked us up on their scanners as well, three BACTs, coming our way”
“Only three? I thought my shuttle was worth sending thirty BACTs after”
“Focus on fighting, Captain Ego” Selendria shot back.
Surely enough three giant metallic humanoid figures came flying towards them, being propelled by anti-gravity engines at their feet, instead of hands, the mechs had gun arms.
“Beginning evasive action guys and gals oh and Shoken….”
“Yes?”
“Remember what I told you about aiming.”
“Fine, fine!”
Trizap steered the Trinity upwards avoiding all but one shot, sending shudders through the ship. The Trinity shot back, Shokens and Zeran’s aim was highly accurate.
Laser shots hit around the BACTs legs and arms. One BACT had both legs shot off; it fell into the ocean, rapidly sinking into the depths only disrupting the endless reflection for a couple of seconds. Another had its arm blasted away.
The Trinity flew up and up, luring the remaining BACTs into a trap, suddenly turning downwards and blasting down the one-armed mech.
However the third BACT managed to fly up right to the cockpit at the front of the ship. It slowly raised its humongous, metallic, technologically engineered, plasma cannon capable of blasting tanks to bits in one shot, right up at the front window. The pilot inside savored the moment of helplessness right before the kill, confident that whoever inside had no way of surviving, taking his time to scare them. Trizap was literally staring death in the face, for the face of a plasma cannon was death itself.
Then Trizap punched a big red button that unleashed a blast of plasma from the tip of the Claw, completely obliterating the BACT and whoever it was inside.
“These BACTs, are outdated.” Trizap commented
“Yea, not close to the modern models at all.” Zeran added.

The Claw flew closer to the island.
As they approached the island came in sight along with rebel ships.
“Accelerate, Zeran, Shoken, fire at will, Selendria, keep you eyes on the scanners, Kyrshia, fire missiles at weak points and vital spots!” Trizap ordered.
The Claw flew directly into the group of ships, lasers blazing and rapidly firing off, missiles firing at cockpits and engines. The Claw flew through the crowd of enemies, getting damaged constantly, but dishing out return fire. Often ships fell more to the missiles than to bullets. The Claw was constantly shaking and vibrating from the tremendous amounts of energy its hull was sustaining laser blasts and explosions rang in Trizaps ears. Zeran had to use his magic to shield the ship to keep it going and while they were downing a couple ships, the Claw was under too much pressure to actually win.
When Selendria spoke, Trizap could barely hear her above the noise “The scanners show
That there are four times more ships than Zaafnis said there was”
A troubled look crossed Trizap’s face; how was that possible? The island was only a few miles away from Zaafnis’s base, the intelligence should have been accurate.

Then Trizap remembered Kyrshia’s suspicions about the general.
“Gods above, that Zaafnis bastard set us up! I’m turning this ship around!”
The Trinity wheeled around and zoomed back to Zaafnis’s base, retreating from the rebel ships, their missiles still firing after them.

The Trinity landed in the hangar. The companions exist from the ship. One of the soldiers in the hangar said “hey aren’t you supposed to be fighting-“
However he never finished the sentence, Trizap shot the soldier in the head with his pistol. The other soldiers started firing, Zeran threw up a magic Pyronic shield to protect them while Trizap shot more of the soldiers with flying lead.
Shoken charged forward and began savagely killing the soldiers with his bare hands, ripping them in half, smashing them in one punch, shattering them to pieces with powerful kicks, metal stood no chance against Shoken’s muscle. Kyrshia was more subtle however; she used an Invisibility Belt
to sneak up on them and take them out in one stroke of her metal blades. Making their way into the narrow halls of the base, Zeran’s mind magic help clear out any rubbish. Soldiers died from forgetting how to breath, or from mind-controlled allies or being mind-controlled into committing suicide. While his friends set off to destroy the rest of the base, Trizap made his way to General Zaafnis.

There are two guards at the door, Trizap observed. Two bullet shots rang out. Correction, there was two guards at the door. Kicking it open and walking pass the two corpses, Trizap walked into Zaafnis’s room. The General had been waiting for him, and was holding a rocket launcher, a dangerous thing that could take out a wall if he wasn’t careful. Then again, that was the whole point of the rocket launcher. Trizap immediately jumped to the side as an explosive missile turned a doorway into a big hole in the wall. He fired back but missed. Running, he avoided another missile. Trizap fired off bullets rapidly, luckily one of them hit the rocket launcher, damaging it ina vital area and rendering it useless. Running closer, Trizap saw the general take out a pistol but Trizap shot it to uselessness as well.
Trizap ran up to the General, and grabbed him by the neck. “Aaah! Don’t hurt me!”
“I won’t, General Zaafnis, not if you do what I say….”

A few minutes later, his companions had all come to the Generals room where Trizap was holding his pistol to Zaafnis’s head. “Ok, General Zaafnis…..” Trizap began.
“How about a new deal? Seeing how you tricked us, sent us on a suicide mission to weaken rebel forces, I think we should negotiate something fairer”
“What-what do you want!?” Zaafnis blurted.
“We want all your money, you know all the money the General has access to”
“In exchange for what?”
“Your life” Trizap replied simply.
“Ok ok! The money is in the main computer right here! Code s8hf74md84jd8h38d9!”
Ah, Trizap thought. Even on this outdated world, they’re currency is completely digital.
Kyrshia inserted their Currency Card, typed in the code and downloaded all the Generals money into their Currency Card. The number went up a couple of digits and became enough for more supplies and to repair the Claw.
“Ok, you got the money….” Zaafnis nervously said “……Your going to let me go right?”
“No” Trizap then pulled the trigger, killing the General in one shot through the skull.
Kyrshia burst out in shock “What did you do that for!?”

Trizap replied with a calm but dark look
“Hes a general, even without his funds, he could have sent people after us in pursuit, and I don’t want soldiers chasing after us, so I simply shot the guy in the head and prevented that, plus he deserved it, he doubled-crossed us on our deal and sent us to bite off more then we can chew, deals are for the mutual benefit of the both the buyer and the seller, not at the expense of either. He didn’t respect that and died for it, lets go”
They gone back to the Claw and took off to get more supplies and to repair the ship.


A few hours after that, the rebels landed, surprised that there had been no air defense.
They walked through the base, surprised also at its wrecked state, and the number of corpses littered throughout it all, something very strong and powerful had to have caused this. One rebel came across a soldier near death, the armored warrior groaning in pain. More rebels gathered around the dying enemy. One asked “What happened here? Who caused this?” the soldier spat out only one last word before his death: “TRIZAP!”

[Comet]

I'll let someone else focus on grammar, formating and such, if they want. For now I'll just talk about the story itself and throw out some ideas as they come to me.


[SPOILER]First, the basic structure of the story. From what I can see it's basically the classic fantasy adventuring frame within a fairly soft-scifi world.
-A band of heroes arrive in a strange land
-said band meets a figure of authority, who proceeds to fill them in on the local situation
-the heroes decide to help the authority for reasons both selfish and altruistic
-combat, excitement, twist
-the heroes return home, right the wrongs that were hiding there all along and ride off into the sunset

Solomon Kane in space, if you will. Or Fafhrd & the Gray Mouser. Or Conan. Or even Hellboy. Anyway, this structure is at the heart of many pulp stories. Some might say it's derivative, but I personally find it a very effective and fun method of staging a quick drama. Anyway, moving on...

The character introductions, while very thorough and informative, felt a bit too infodump-y for me. We basically get a list of characters, their clothes and their non-human elements before we even get to the story proper. I feel that this information could have been integrated more smoothly into the main narrative.
Besides, in my experience the reader rarely cares whether character X has a yellow or a green jumpsuit, unless it's important to the story somehow. It's better to leave some room for imagination, I think.

The moment after their initial briefing where Kyrshia and Trizap decided to spontaneously erupt into a philosophy-hour dialogue felt a bit jarring. This long talk would probably feel more relevant if I could connect to the context of a larger story or a long character development arc.
As it is now, it brings a bit of depth to the characters but also feels a bit flat and random.

The aerial combat part was fun, especially to the giant robot fan inside me :smallbiggrin:
Projectiles flying around, explosions, dogfighting, a big blast to top it all off. Fun stuff.

The plot twist was pretty much what the story's title suggested. Cue righteous fury and aggressive interrogation. Trizap and his gang seem to be the kind of folk that I really wouldn't want to steal chocolate from.

One thing that had me going 'Bwuh?' was the sudden inclusion of magic. Here we are, on an adventure through the stars and beyond, and suddenly one person decides to pull out wizardry without much of an explanation.
Again, I'm sure this would work better if I was familiar with the world or the bigger story. Some buildup would have been nice, though. Magic, psionics etc. are extraordinary, fantastic, awe-inspiring things. They shouldn't be treated like any other weapon, I think.

And with that we come to the end. I thought it had a lot cool elements, certainly, and the story made me interested in seeing a longer story set in this world.
This was a fun, basic adventure that hinted at something bigger in the horizon. Nothing really wrong with it, storywise, but it left me a bit dissapointed at some parts due to lack of proper explanation and build-up.

And gosh, this critique turned out really long, didn't it?As I said, I'll leave the technical stuff for someone else, as I'm not really the most qualified person for that (plus I really need some sleep atm).

So, yeah. That was a fun ride. Keep going and you'll get even better! :smallwink:

[Lord Raziere]

actually.....there is no altruism there. out of those five people, only one could be called a hero, and it ain't Trizap. Its Kyrshia.

as for the magic....well yea that is the problem, its actually a well-thought out magic system I've worked on for a like a year and is ideally supposed to almost obey science to the letter with the mind control and psychic stuff being all electronic signals and such but I couldn't find any way to put it into the story without being more exposition-y. The magic is kinda the reason why the "story in the stars" is happening in the first place.

and this is actually one of their better days- most of the time they are actually stealing something or fighting some authority or some mega-corporation chasing them, they only gone to an authority and did work for them because the guy didn't know about them yet and if he did? Trizap would be instead be hired by the rebels and would still be leading the assault on the base, only with backup.

as for the spontaneous philosophy....that is just kinda Trizap's deal. He just does that, I keep it in so it IS jarring, making you go "huh? why is this guy suddenly talking about this deep stuff?" then making you think upon it. and the philosophy does have larger context! the authority and Trizap made a deal, the authority broke the deal by lying about the info, and so Trizap came back and killed him for breaking the deal, see?