waterpenguin43
2010-05-26, 11:23 PM
Okay, I've been putting a story together. It's called: The reconstruction prophecy.
It's a trilogy, by the way.
Critique would be greatly appreciated.
I've made a few chapters, but I've yet to finish the first. (Yeah, I write chapters in random order.)
Anyway, here's the prologue...
Tacensu was tired. He had warp-shock and his back was sore, he could barely think, plus as usual, Pirge was being very little help. It had hardly been a perfect day, or rather, hadn’t been a very good alternate 514 reversed years, but he had a job to do. Humankind, unfortunately, had been quite xenophobic to the verdlings in the past (Or rather, in the alternate future.), but the humans here were far more innocent.
That was always a plus.
But he wasn't exactly here for a vacation; he had to tell them of the prophecy he had finally uncovered from the human and verdling relics, and it applied to this world exactly, though it would affect all worlds. This world was exceedingly special. For this world, you see, was a world of magic.
Note:
I'm not all that great a writing, so be gentle, please.
It's probably awful, but I'm young and inexperienced, so once again, be gentle. :smalltongue:
P.S: It likely doesn't make sense, but it's a prologue, and, let's face it; prologue's don't.
The joy or disgust is in finding out what the prologue DOES mean.
Chapter 1:
Lane’s body was, as usual, floating in it’s pool of cerulean preserving sludge. His scar barely visible and his tangle of brown hair floating about. He had been 18 when he had his mind taken from him and put into a microchip, which had been passed down by the line of professors of the Barium family. The Barium family did not have children of there own, instead checking orphanages for the most intelligent orphans available. This family tradition had gone on for approximately 500 years, having happened first in the July of 2564, not that the month mattered any more at this point. After all, how would anyone tell what season it was? Why would anybody care? All of humankind now lived in floating spheres of titanium, kept in the air by magnetic currents of energy inside each “community powerhouse”. People couldn’t walk, for this reason, to anyone else's house. Why? Humans made the sea, and even the land, toxic. They need oxygen to breathe outside their homes. The humans had gotten awfully bored with racism against other humans, fortunately. Unfortunately, they only did this because aliens were now available. They had wiped out 7 planets of them so far. The current one? It has a race known as “Verdlings” on it.
Not that Lane knew, or particularly cared. He was preoccupied.
Though a mind is something completely separate from the brain, the mind uses the brain as a way of executing demands for the body. These include physical transformations (Such as getting stress lines with lack of sleep), vital physical motions (Such as the beating of the heart and motion of blood.) and instincts. These were driving Lane insane, as usual. The first in the line of this project, Edwin Barium, did not know this, and only did the third in this succession -Paula Barium- did they realize what would happen to him whenever he was brought back for experimenting on. That bit was a terrifying fate. At this point, it was a frightening reality that Lane could not be saved from this. Ever. And thus, the Barium’s went to the dirty work of keeping the society safe from his insanity, and up to this day, Gerald -an old man in a white suit with grey hair- and his adopted daughter Melissa -A dark-skinned young woman with a bandana, an interesting old fashion object at that point, and brown hair- kept the chip safe. What they didn’t know, however, was that it would not be safe much longer.
Why?
Because of one fat, greedy and utterly rich mobster. His name was Ira Onero.
Ira Onero had a plan. He would invade the Barium laboratory and steal some technology. Why? He liked money. A lot. He was going to go in, take some technology, and kill the Barium’s if they got in his way. Now might be a good time to introduce Ira to you. He is an obese fellow with black hair and a fancy and very expensive “Eromos”. (A black jacket that tightens your skin so you look less weighty, and it’s made from the panther skin the clothing laboratories had generated.)
He thought his plan was flawless.
“I have the most perfect plan in the whole entire world!” he bragged, showing it off to Logan, his right-hand man. Logan had brown hair, muscular arms, and glasses.
“Uh, Ira.” he said.
“Oh what is it?” Ira responded rudely.
“Maybe we should.... plan a bit more.”
“Well, that’s your job! I made a perfect plan, and so you have to execute it!” Ira rolled his eyes. Logan was so stupid.
Logan opened his mouth to speak, but Ira cut him off. “Look, you! I’m rich! You figure something out yourself!”
Logan sighed. “Okay, boss.”
“Good. It’s about time you did something around here.”
And at that, Ira went to go count his coins again.
Lane was, as always, floating in his pool.
Melissa and Gerald had no idea what was going to happen moments later.
Or rather, they did. Although they didn’t know it would happen then, they were used to random terrorist attacks. The protection devices outside hadn’t failed yet, however, so whenever someone attacked, it was usually just an unpleasant surprise. However, they DIDN’T know exactly what consequences this attack would bring. They were just having lunch now. They still used the old fashion method of cooking: The one we use now, with pots and pans and stoves and all.
“How’s your day been, Gerald?” asked Melissa.
“Okay, I suppose.” responded Gerald.
“Has the fuel been turning out well?” Melissa asked again.
“Well, it seems the government doesn’t care very much for environmental products. Maybe one day things can be verdant again, but he isn’t helping this very much.”
“You should bring that up in the meeting.”
“I think I might.”
Logan had completed the plan. He had sent a bribe to the government ship, stopping at the base. When this happened, they would get on, hide where they wouldn’t be visible on camera, and threaten the government official with death if he didn’t co-operate. This was intended so that they could get past the guard devices outside the laboratory, then storm the place once they arrived. They would kill the government official upon arrival.
The ship was arriving in...
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
The heard the telltale sign of a ship arriving: The sound of the elevator door opening. Ira went in first, with his Pathian v5 gun as his side.
Getting shot with that promised painful death. The government official’s name was Gregory Flanders.
When Gregory Flanders saw Ira and the gun, he realized what was going to happen:
It was Gerald Barium or him.
He chose the latter.
“Gerald,” said the voice of Gregory, monotonous with fear, through the communications device. The mob members were pointing guns at him, hidden away from the camera.
“Oh, Gregory! A pleasure!” said Gerald, though he secretly disapproved of the politician.
“I trust you’ve been monitoring Lane?”
“Ah, yes... Lane,” said Gerald with pity. Lane had been a relatively friendly young man before the horrific and painful transformation he had to endure every time they brought him back to his body.
On the good side, he seemed to have adapted to the pain.
However, although Gerald didn’t know this, this was not a good thing. In fact, both he and Gregory would pay for it dearly.
But Gerald had no way of knowing this as he hobbled over to the garage (Essentially a cylindrical elevator into the ship that connected to it above, which, as Gerald did not have a ship of his own, was Gregory’s.)
Melissa came in, but she was quiet, as she knew that a meeting was about to take place.
Or rather, she thought that a meeting would take place.
She was wrong, but like with Gerald, how would Melissa know?
At any rate, nobody in that world could have foreseen about what was about to come. Not even the gang members.
What was about to happen was way beyond anything anyone in this world expected.
For what was about to happen, you see,
was going to play a significant part in remaking existence.
Gerald opened the door to the garage.
When a group of people came down with a tied up and gagged Gregory, he gasped in shock before Ira pulled the trigger on the Pathian.
The bullet was a tiny spiked ball, and when it implanted itself in Gerald stomach, it burned the flesh in an extremely painful manner, brutally inflicting intense pain in the remaining 5 seconds of his life.
“Melissa, take all you can and run!” he gasped in agony, then collapsed on the ground, dead.
Melissa looked at the corpse of the man who had raised him in a mixture of anger and grief, but knew she must obey her adoptive father’s wishes. Melissa tossed open the door behind her at an impressively fast pace as Ira reloaded. She then went to the right side of the door and pressed a button on a gray metallic panel, which sealed the door tightly.
Ira scowled and tossed the Pathian to the floor, where the bullet inside shot into a wall.
“AFTER HER!” he cried in frustration.
Beside him, Logan drew out a Forza v3 (A large gun filled with explosive ammunition.) and blasted the door. The door was mechanical and extremely well made, but it was no match for a Forza, and both halves burst out of their hinges and skidded past a distressed Melissa, who*was running down the stairs.
Once Melissa reached the bottom of the staircase, she wrenched open the door at the bottom and locked it as well as gang members came pouring into the room above her.
Around her were several bizarre instruments and gadgets, the inventions of the Barium family. At the end of the hallway there were the most valuable inventions and the floating form of Lane in his cylindrical pod. But most importantly to her, there was a cylindrical pod with a padded inside, some food and a steering wheel; an escape ship. Melissa ran over their as the gang members pounded the door behind her and piled the most valuable and light inventions in her arms.
She could hear the members scuttling away from the door as Logan was almost certainly putting in another bullet for the Forza, so Melissa leapt towards the escape ship and wrenched the door open again.
She got inside only as a massive explosion sent the doors to the invention room skittering off their hinges and smashing into the wall.
“There she is!” yelled out Logan, and smaller bullets shot towards the door as Melissa slammed it shut.
As soon as she closed the door, Melissa pounded a button in the centre of the steering wheel and the ship shot out of the Barium home, then Melissa steered it towards the nearest police headquarters.
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed a furious Ira as he hobbled into the room, tossing a gang member out of the way as he did so.
“You fools, she escaped! Arrgh!!” he said, pounding the wall.
Meanwhile, Logan had walked up to Lane’s pod. He looked down at a small ProjectionBook (Computerized notebooks that project data and images onto a disc above them, complete with a touch screen.) next to a mysterious control panel for the cylinder below him and picked it up. Words appeared on it as he pressed the “On” button.
Studies on Lane Regalia.
Logan blinked. Then he looked at Lane, then he looked at the ProjectionBook. Then he did it again.
“Boss, I think you better see this.”
It's a trilogy, by the way.
Critique would be greatly appreciated.
I've made a few chapters, but I've yet to finish the first. (Yeah, I write chapters in random order.)
Anyway, here's the prologue...
Tacensu was tired. He had warp-shock and his back was sore, he could barely think, plus as usual, Pirge was being very little help. It had hardly been a perfect day, or rather, hadn’t been a very good alternate 514 reversed years, but he had a job to do. Humankind, unfortunately, had been quite xenophobic to the verdlings in the past (Or rather, in the alternate future.), but the humans here were far more innocent.
That was always a plus.
But he wasn't exactly here for a vacation; he had to tell them of the prophecy he had finally uncovered from the human and verdling relics, and it applied to this world exactly, though it would affect all worlds. This world was exceedingly special. For this world, you see, was a world of magic.
Note:
I'm not all that great a writing, so be gentle, please.
It's probably awful, but I'm young and inexperienced, so once again, be gentle. :smalltongue:
P.S: It likely doesn't make sense, but it's a prologue, and, let's face it; prologue's don't.
The joy or disgust is in finding out what the prologue DOES mean.
Chapter 1:
Lane’s body was, as usual, floating in it’s pool of cerulean preserving sludge. His scar barely visible and his tangle of brown hair floating about. He had been 18 when he had his mind taken from him and put into a microchip, which had been passed down by the line of professors of the Barium family. The Barium family did not have children of there own, instead checking orphanages for the most intelligent orphans available. This family tradition had gone on for approximately 500 years, having happened first in the July of 2564, not that the month mattered any more at this point. After all, how would anyone tell what season it was? Why would anybody care? All of humankind now lived in floating spheres of titanium, kept in the air by magnetic currents of energy inside each “community powerhouse”. People couldn’t walk, for this reason, to anyone else's house. Why? Humans made the sea, and even the land, toxic. They need oxygen to breathe outside their homes. The humans had gotten awfully bored with racism against other humans, fortunately. Unfortunately, they only did this because aliens were now available. They had wiped out 7 planets of them so far. The current one? It has a race known as “Verdlings” on it.
Not that Lane knew, or particularly cared. He was preoccupied.
Though a mind is something completely separate from the brain, the mind uses the brain as a way of executing demands for the body. These include physical transformations (Such as getting stress lines with lack of sleep), vital physical motions (Such as the beating of the heart and motion of blood.) and instincts. These were driving Lane insane, as usual. The first in the line of this project, Edwin Barium, did not know this, and only did the third in this succession -Paula Barium- did they realize what would happen to him whenever he was brought back for experimenting on. That bit was a terrifying fate. At this point, it was a frightening reality that Lane could not be saved from this. Ever. And thus, the Barium’s went to the dirty work of keeping the society safe from his insanity, and up to this day, Gerald -an old man in a white suit with grey hair- and his adopted daughter Melissa -A dark-skinned young woman with a bandana, an interesting old fashion object at that point, and brown hair- kept the chip safe. What they didn’t know, however, was that it would not be safe much longer.
Why?
Because of one fat, greedy and utterly rich mobster. His name was Ira Onero.
Ira Onero had a plan. He would invade the Barium laboratory and steal some technology. Why? He liked money. A lot. He was going to go in, take some technology, and kill the Barium’s if they got in his way. Now might be a good time to introduce Ira to you. He is an obese fellow with black hair and a fancy and very expensive “Eromos”. (A black jacket that tightens your skin so you look less weighty, and it’s made from the panther skin the clothing laboratories had generated.)
He thought his plan was flawless.
“I have the most perfect plan in the whole entire world!” he bragged, showing it off to Logan, his right-hand man. Logan had brown hair, muscular arms, and glasses.
“Uh, Ira.” he said.
“Oh what is it?” Ira responded rudely.
“Maybe we should.... plan a bit more.”
“Well, that’s your job! I made a perfect plan, and so you have to execute it!” Ira rolled his eyes. Logan was so stupid.
Logan opened his mouth to speak, but Ira cut him off. “Look, you! I’m rich! You figure something out yourself!”
Logan sighed. “Okay, boss.”
“Good. It’s about time you did something around here.”
And at that, Ira went to go count his coins again.
Lane was, as always, floating in his pool.
Melissa and Gerald had no idea what was going to happen moments later.
Or rather, they did. Although they didn’t know it would happen then, they were used to random terrorist attacks. The protection devices outside hadn’t failed yet, however, so whenever someone attacked, it was usually just an unpleasant surprise. However, they DIDN’T know exactly what consequences this attack would bring. They were just having lunch now. They still used the old fashion method of cooking: The one we use now, with pots and pans and stoves and all.
“How’s your day been, Gerald?” asked Melissa.
“Okay, I suppose.” responded Gerald.
“Has the fuel been turning out well?” Melissa asked again.
“Well, it seems the government doesn’t care very much for environmental products. Maybe one day things can be verdant again, but he isn’t helping this very much.”
“You should bring that up in the meeting.”
“I think I might.”
Logan had completed the plan. He had sent a bribe to the government ship, stopping at the base. When this happened, they would get on, hide where they wouldn’t be visible on camera, and threaten the government official with death if he didn’t co-operate. This was intended so that they could get past the guard devices outside the laboratory, then storm the place once they arrived. They would kill the government official upon arrival.
The ship was arriving in...
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
The heard the telltale sign of a ship arriving: The sound of the elevator door opening. Ira went in first, with his Pathian v5 gun as his side.
Getting shot with that promised painful death. The government official’s name was Gregory Flanders.
When Gregory Flanders saw Ira and the gun, he realized what was going to happen:
It was Gerald Barium or him.
He chose the latter.
“Gerald,” said the voice of Gregory, monotonous with fear, through the communications device. The mob members were pointing guns at him, hidden away from the camera.
“Oh, Gregory! A pleasure!” said Gerald, though he secretly disapproved of the politician.
“I trust you’ve been monitoring Lane?”
“Ah, yes... Lane,” said Gerald with pity. Lane had been a relatively friendly young man before the horrific and painful transformation he had to endure every time they brought him back to his body.
On the good side, he seemed to have adapted to the pain.
However, although Gerald didn’t know this, this was not a good thing. In fact, both he and Gregory would pay for it dearly.
But Gerald had no way of knowing this as he hobbled over to the garage (Essentially a cylindrical elevator into the ship that connected to it above, which, as Gerald did not have a ship of his own, was Gregory’s.)
Melissa came in, but she was quiet, as she knew that a meeting was about to take place.
Or rather, she thought that a meeting would take place.
She was wrong, but like with Gerald, how would Melissa know?
At any rate, nobody in that world could have foreseen about what was about to come. Not even the gang members.
What was about to happen was way beyond anything anyone in this world expected.
For what was about to happen, you see,
was going to play a significant part in remaking existence.
Gerald opened the door to the garage.
When a group of people came down with a tied up and gagged Gregory, he gasped in shock before Ira pulled the trigger on the Pathian.
The bullet was a tiny spiked ball, and when it implanted itself in Gerald stomach, it burned the flesh in an extremely painful manner, brutally inflicting intense pain in the remaining 5 seconds of his life.
“Melissa, take all you can and run!” he gasped in agony, then collapsed on the ground, dead.
Melissa looked at the corpse of the man who had raised him in a mixture of anger and grief, but knew she must obey her adoptive father’s wishes. Melissa tossed open the door behind her at an impressively fast pace as Ira reloaded. She then went to the right side of the door and pressed a button on a gray metallic panel, which sealed the door tightly.
Ira scowled and tossed the Pathian to the floor, where the bullet inside shot into a wall.
“AFTER HER!” he cried in frustration.
Beside him, Logan drew out a Forza v3 (A large gun filled with explosive ammunition.) and blasted the door. The door was mechanical and extremely well made, but it was no match for a Forza, and both halves burst out of their hinges and skidded past a distressed Melissa, who*was running down the stairs.
Once Melissa reached the bottom of the staircase, she wrenched open the door at the bottom and locked it as well as gang members came pouring into the room above her.
Around her were several bizarre instruments and gadgets, the inventions of the Barium family. At the end of the hallway there were the most valuable inventions and the floating form of Lane in his cylindrical pod. But most importantly to her, there was a cylindrical pod with a padded inside, some food and a steering wheel; an escape ship. Melissa ran over their as the gang members pounded the door behind her and piled the most valuable and light inventions in her arms.
She could hear the members scuttling away from the door as Logan was almost certainly putting in another bullet for the Forza, so Melissa leapt towards the escape ship and wrenched the door open again.
She got inside only as a massive explosion sent the doors to the invention room skittering off their hinges and smashing into the wall.
“There she is!” yelled out Logan, and smaller bullets shot towards the door as Melissa slammed it shut.
As soon as she closed the door, Melissa pounded a button in the centre of the steering wheel and the ship shot out of the Barium home, then Melissa steered it towards the nearest police headquarters.
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” screamed a furious Ira as he hobbled into the room, tossing a gang member out of the way as he did so.
“You fools, she escaped! Arrgh!!” he said, pounding the wall.
Meanwhile, Logan had walked up to Lane’s pod. He looked down at a small ProjectionBook (Computerized notebooks that project data and images onto a disc above them, complete with a touch screen.) next to a mysterious control panel for the cylinder below him and picked it up. Words appeared on it as he pressed the “On” button.
Studies on Lane Regalia.
Logan blinked. Then he looked at Lane, then he looked at the ProjectionBook. Then he did it again.
“Boss, I think you better see this.”