A little anecdote about a miscarriage.

[TheBlackArcher]

The last panel in this comic: http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0496.html, made me think back.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my mum had a miscarriage of a girl. I, being immature, fought with my little brother, who was then 3 or 4 over him sitting in my usual dinner-table chair. Somehow, I managed to make him cry over it and he started crying for our mum to pick him up. Then, my mum, though she knew she wasn't meant to and even said so to my little brother who continued to cry and didn't understand, picked him up.

My mum later found out at a checkup that picking my little brother had made the baby in danger which was now in a critical state. I found this out somehow.

I can't help but think that it's my fault that my would-be baby sister was miscarriaged. I have two brothers and have always wanted a baby sister.. and it was my fault she's not here today. Sometimes my eyes well up when I think about it. I haven't talked to anyone about it because it's something very personal but I feel like I'm able to discuss it over the internet since it's completely anonymous.

[rakkoon]

This kind of thing is always hard but sometimes things just happen. If you made your brother cry because you wanted to hurt your sister it would be different but you didn't so you are not to blame. Neither is your brother or your mother for that matter.

[paddyfool]

@TheBlackArcher,

Your emotional reaction to this is right and proper. It's a good, normal, human reaction. But it's also skewing your perspective of these events. Being a 9-10 year old places you in a position of very diminished responsibility. And just as, I suspect, you wouldn't blame some other bratty kid of that age (and who isn't at least a little bratty at that age?) whose actions inadvertently had similar consequences... blaming yourself for an accident of this kind is hardly fair either.

So what I suppose I'm saying is: try to forgive yourself. Don't forget, but do forgive. And maybe try to open up about it to someone you trust in real life. Whoever you do, they should be touched by the confidence you'd be placing in them.

[Form]

I don't know what to say other than that you shouldn't blame yourself, even though that may be easier said than done. You were young and you had no intention of doing anything that would have hurt the baby. It was a tragic loss, but there isn't always someone to blame for such a tragedy.

Like Rakkoon said, it's not the fault of your mother or of your brother and it isn't your fault either.

[Syka]

It's not your fault, seriously. It's normal to feel that way, but it's not your fault.

Miscarriages occur probably more than you realize. I have at least 4 friends- and that's just who I know of- who have had to deal with miscarriages. One lost her little girl with no warning, two others have lost a number of pregnancies due to genetic issues, and I'm not sure what happened with my friend's girlfriend. From my understanding, many times they occur because of an issue with the baby that makes it not viable. It's sadly not that uncommon, and very difficult to go through.

But it's not your fault. It's not your brother's fault. It's not your mom's fault.

Also, are you sure your mother was under orders to not pick your brother up? I know many pregnant women who have had to carry their toddlers as well. As far as I know, it usually isn't an issue.

[Serpentine]

Being a 9-10 year old places you in a position of very diminished responsibility.When I was about 13 or 14 (old enough to know better), I nearly drowned my nephew.
My cousins and I were playing in the pool, and he was put in a little floaty thing while my sister went inside for a while, leaving me to watch him. We were playing some volleyball-like game, and I was at the end with my back to him. I never took my eyes off him for long, but I think I figured if he got into trouble one of my cousins at the other end would see. So, I looked away and played for a bit. The next time I looked back, the floaty thing had flipped upside down, leaving his little legs waggling in the air and his head well and truly underwater.
I rushed him out and he coughed and spluttered and cried and wouldn't stop until his mother held him for about half an hour. He wouldn't go back in the water for several years after that.

Recently, my sister said (something like) this in relation to that*: You do not put a child in charge. You do not give a child a potentially life-threatening responsibility over another child. If you do, it must be with you there watching very carefully. If anything happens, it is your fault, not theirs.

Doesn't quite apply to this particular case, but yeah. It was your mother's decision to pick him up, not yours, Archer. You were only little.
You probably should discuss this with your mum, though. I mean, like I said, it was her decision to pick him up. How badly must she feel?


*It was actually brought up by an encounter in the street with a family whose little boy was choking. The parents were both panicking, and when the girl got in the way the father lashed out at her. We think that she may have been the one who gave him the food he was choking on, and that combined with his fear for his son made him do it. In the discussion afterwards, my sister said the above, then I mentioned the drowning of nephew bit, and she stuck them together.

[Manga Shoggoth]

Then, my mum, though she knew she wasn't meant to and even said so to my little brother who continued to cry and didn't understand, picked him up.

It is very difficult to stop a mother picking up her child under most circumstances. My wife has serious back problems, to the extent that she found it difficult to even pick my daughter up. She still did it. Up until our daughter was 8.

Miscarriages can occur for all sorts of reasons (my wife had three), but I have never heard on one caused just by the strain of picking a toddler up. There would have to have been something else wrong first.

[llamamushroom]

It's a common misconception that miscarriages can be caused by things like over-exertion, but they can't. At least, they only can if the foetus is completely non-viable, and it's a "straw that breaks the camel's back" sort of scenario.

Really, it isn't your fault. Try to forgive yourself for it - I'm sure everyone else has.

[Jarawara]

You probably should discuss this with your mum, though. I mean, like I said, it was her decision to pick him up. How badly must she feel?

I don't think you should talk about it with her - what if she *hasn't* considered the implication that her actions led to the miscarriage?

I mean, think how the conversation might play out. You ask if her she still feels bad on how her actions caused the miscarriage, she stares at you blankly, wondering why you're suddenly blaming her. Unless you *absolutely know* that she has previously connected the dots, bringing it up in conversation has potential for an even greater harm.

Just be there for her. She needs to focus on the future, not on the what-could-have-been. And so do you. If she ever brings it up, talk about it then, but otherwise, some conversations are best left alone.

[Syka]

I don't think you should talk about it with her - what if she *hasn't* considered the implication that her actions led to the miscarriage?

I mean, think how the conversation might play out. You ask if her she still feels bad on how her actions caused the miscarriage, she stares at you blankly, wondering why you're suddenly blaming her. Unless you *absolutely know* that she has previously connected the dots, bringing it up in conversation has potential for an even greater harm.

Just be there for her. She needs to focus on the future, not on the what-could-have-been. And so do you. If she ever brings it up, talk about it then, but otherwise, some conversations are best left alone.

If she was told not to do heavy lifting, that it could cause a problem, and the doctor then told her that lifting her son caused an issue....I don't see how she wouldn't have.

Plus, I think she was referring to the OP talking to his mom about how HE feels he caused it, not that she possibly caused it.

[Serpentine]

I don't think you should talk about it with her - what if she *hasn't* considered the implication that her actions led to the miscarriage?

I mean, think how the conversation might play out. You ask if her she still feels bad on how her actions caused the miscarriage, she stares at you blankly, wondering why you're suddenly blaming her. Unless you *absolutely know* that she has previously connected the dots, bringing it up in conversation has potential for an even greater harm.

Just be there for her. She needs to focus on the future, not on the what-could-have-been. And so do you. If she ever brings it up, talk about it then, but otherwise, some conversations are best left alone.That's not what I meant at all. Not in the leastest.
What I MEANT was more along the lines of: you have these concerns. You should discuss them with your mother. That will open up communications with her - always a good thing to have - and if she has similar feelings it might prompt her to discuss them with you, thereby facilitating her own healing as well as you.

[Telonius]

I'm not a doctor, but something as simple as picking a child up once (an average 4 year old is about 36 pounds) isn't going to cause a miscarriage. The "no heavy lifting" advice is more to prevent heavy weightlifting or when the woman regularly has to do things like lift boxes on the job. Women aren't so fragile that one lift would cause it - if they were, there would be a lot fewer people in the world. I've known women who've been in bad car accidents while 8 months pregnant, and deliver a perfectly healthy baby.

Something like 10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage; my wife and I lost two ourselves before our daughter was born. This site (http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html) has some good information on it. Important quote:

During the first trimester, the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormality - meaning that something is not correct with the baby's chromosomes. Most chromosomal abnormalities are the cause of a faulty egg or sperm cell, or are due to a problem at the time that the zygote went through the division process... Factors that are not proven to cause miscarriage are sex, working outside the home (unless in a harmful environment) or moderate exercise.

Emphasis added.

The important thing to understand is that it is not your fault. The miscarriage happened after she picked up your brother, but it probably wasn't because she picked up your brother.

[Mando Knight]

This site (http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html) has some good information on it. Important quote:


Emphasis added.

The important thing to understand is that it is not your fault. The miscarriage happened after she picked up your brother, but it probably wasn't because she picked up your brother.
Emphasis might be in the wrong spot.

Moderate Exercise is under the list of things not proven to increase chances of miscarriage. The line could be missed if the emphasis is only on the "moderate exercise" bit.

I don't think you should talk about it with her - what if she *hasn't* considered the implication that her actions led to the miscarriage?
A mother? Not trying to figure out what went wrong with her baby? That's... nearly inconceivable.

[Telonius]

Emphasis might be in the wrong spot.

Moderate Exercise is under the list of things not proven to increase chances of miscarriage. The line could be missed if the emphasis is only on the "moderate exercise" bit.
Ah, agreed. (The Internet: Offering free editing services since 1989).

[Jarawara]

My apologies, Serp, I didn't mean to imply anything to what you had said.

My only point was, be careful in raising the subject with mom, in case she hadn't considered it the way... well, the way it was being discussed here. Bad things *could* happen, if misspoken even by a little.

But the OP knows far better than I as to what his mom's level of knowledge and/or opinions on this issue are. Ultimately he can judge his options far better than any of us.

As others have pointed out, it's highly unlikely that picking up a toddler would cause a miscarriage. This leads me to believe that either a) this was an unusual occurance, or b) the OP got his information mistaken. Thus leading to the question of what does mom believe was the cause of the event - and thus how raising the subject with her, mishandled in any way, could go wrong.

Thus my advice: Be careful.

But your advice is good too, Serp: Open lines of communication are good.

[dish]

Agreeing with many who have posted before me:

I have a lot of friends who have continued to lift and carry their toddlers or young children throughout a subsequent pregnancy. I'm sure any mother will be able to tell you that when a young child needs to be lifted, it needs to be lifted. Miscarriage is not caused by lifting a young child. It's caused by the pregnancy being non-viable. (You'd think mother nature would know better, but apparently not.) No one, except possibly mother nature, is to blame here.

[Serpentine]

My mother thought she killed me, once. She went on a rollercoaster, and then I stopped kicking for a few weeks.

[742]

everyone does this. probably a thousand times a day, your probably doing it right now as you type this, not making a phone call that could lead to your neighborhood getting some major fix-uppage or sitting in just the wrong position so the transmission from the benevolent aliens is just a hair too weak to be recognizable; you were just unfortunate enough to find out about it. whos to say she would have survived to birth, or not scarred your entire family by dying as an infant or young child? or even been a crappy sister? maybe your romanticising the idea too much and having a baby sister would have ended up being kind of unpleasant, or sent you on a different less happy course later in life. butterflies are total *****.

there are so many things that might have been, that could have been, even that should have been, or shouldnt have. it sucks, and this is absolutely not the best world we could possibly have made, but theres nothing to be done about that. yes, this one tiny thing hinged on you but did you know that leaning over might do that? did you truly comprehend the consequences of the actions that (with three degrees of seperation, the same number i would need to connect MLK with faeries, and no i dont mean the derogatory term for homosexual men) lead to you not having another sibling? was your mother leaning over even 100% sure to do that? who knows.
sorry for incoherence, migraine.

[paddyfool]

My mother thought she killed me, once. She went on a rollercoaster, and then I stopped kicking for a few weeks.

Ah, that explains it then. :smalltongue:

[Serpentine]

=.= Watch it, mate.

[Boo]

My friend and former English instructor was a victim of miscarriage alongside his wife. I was very excited for them and I had briefly helped them single out a few names, but I know not the depth of the despair they discovered. I wish they never had to learn such emotions.

It's a very bad, terrible thing.

[EmeraldRose]

Archer, I can understand the feelings and guilt you associate with losing your sibling. I lost a baby in between my first boys, and even though it's been 2 and a half years, I still sometimes wonder if I did something that caused the misscarriage, even though, rationally, I know that it more than likely would have happened anyway. There's no way to match your head and your heart on this.

Our older son, who was not quite 5 at the time or our loss, still talks about his "angel sister". He also recently told my mom that he worries that his new brother (I'm 19 weeks pregnant now) wll die.

Even with the previous loss, and the fact that our 2nd son was born 10 weeks early, I still pick him up. He's currently just under 25 lbs, which is the "limit" for lifting during pregnancy. Would I stop picking up my baby, just on the chance that something could happen to the new baby? There's absolutely no way. How would I ever explain to a 19 month old that I can't pick him up anymore because of the new baby? I can't, so I am careful and do my best to be there for all the kids...

The grief will continue to change over time, but for me, there is always going to be someone missing from my family...

[thubby]

Would I stop picking up my baby, just on the chance that something could happen to the new baby? There's absolutely no way. How would I ever explain to a 19 month old that I can't pick him up anymore because of the new baby? I can't, so I am careful and do my best to be there for all the kids...

just, as a tip (this is from my mother, not me). grab a chair and have the kid on your lap.