Nerd's lament

[Hallavast]

Just blowing off steam here.

Today I went to a party where everyone else there was in a relationship and had brought their special somebody. I came alone. The host didn't tell me about this little circumstance, so I walked into it blindly. It was awkward and palpably so until I grabbed a beer and kinda faded into a corner. There was a girl there that I am fond of, but obviously she was there with someone else. I'm not heartsick over her or obsessed or have any delusions of loving her or anything nearly so serious over her, but I do maintain a passing interest in her romantically (one that I do not let come to the surface under any circumstances).

I felt a profound sense of lonliness in this crowd, and in that sense I found myself analyzing situations around me and speculating on how they could be different. I listened to the rest of them talk to each other about going out to the racetrack, fixing their trucks, mixed martial arts, and their respective gun collections. My interest in each of these pursuits is mild, and I can't find enough work lately to really get into these things anyway while paying my bills even if I wanted to.

So I was thinking about how things would be if the girl in question was seeing me instead of this other fellow. I came to the conclusion that things wouldn't really work out between us. We have little in the way of common interests. She isn't a gamer in any sense of the word. She seems bored with fantasy and science fiction. She has very mainstream tastes in movies and music. I am the complete opposite. I don't see any kind of lasting or meaningful relationship between the two of us. It reminds me of the set up in the movie, "Knocked up". She is smart, successful, witty and "prettier than I am". But we have so little in common, that anything past a strictly physical relationship seems impossible.

Furthermore, I have no interest in a purely physical relationship. I want a romantic interest that I can confide in, share ideas and interests with, and who will reciprocate my love. Without this, the physical part is meaningless and shallow to me. It is simply a chemical condition affecting my emotions and thoughts, and I can live without it. In fact, this is a problem with me, because I am ONLY looking for deep, serious relationships despite knowing that others are likely not looking for the same. As a result, I am very cautious about approaching women. This is done both out of not wanting to burden them with a choice they don't want and my own fear of rejection.

Compounding my frustrations is a complete lack of available women in my area that are gamers. My problem is not a lack of friends in the hobby. It's a lack of available female ones.

But as I thought more on this subject, I wondered if I am aiming too high. Is it impractical to narrow my search to only those who share my interests? Is it a mistake to eliminate all those who may be interested in the future just because I enjoy spending my time in a different fashion? Am I perhaps intimidated by my own ignorance in these fields? I may not be of sound enough mind to answer these questions. Am I alone in this?

[Thajocoth]

You could be what introduces gaming to them. They could be what introduces a new interest to you. While common interests are useful, it's more a matter of personalities anyway. One could be a great person you enjoy spending time with, even though that time isn't spent gaming.

[Cobalt]

I've never been able to form a relationship with someone who doesn't share interests with me, but I've seen it happen before. So the above suggestion that you may be introducing her to something new or vise versa is entirely possible.

Or not. I mean, none of us can know for sure.

Not to be a downer.

[Forever Curious]

You could be what introduces gaming to them. They could be what introduces a new interest to you. While common interests are useful, it's more a matter of personalities anyway. One could be a great person you enjoy spending time with, even though that time isn't spent gaming.

I second this. Although the girl you described has no interest in such things, it doesn't mean you can't introduce someone to the craft. I mean, someone had to introduce you, I'd assume. Spread the virus love yourself.

[Seffbasilisk]

You can always introduce her to the game. I've done that to...five girls over the years, and likely will be bringing the latest to the gaming table shortly.

I can feel your pain though. I've never been with anyone as intelligent as I am, for the simple reason of I can't find anyone that smart.

Beer helps, as it inhibits thinking, and you might find yourself close to being on an equatable level. It is good to analyze such situations, but there's no substitution for first-hand experience.

If she's important to you, before you fall into second-guessing yourself to death and self-depricating thoughttones, I'd say take a swing for the fences. Who knows, you might get lucky.

[Innis Cabal]

{Scrubbed}

[Milskidasith]

Especially considering intelligence isn't just a flat "you're smarter than him in everything" kind of thing.

[Seffbasilisk]

{Scrubbed}

[2xMachina]

{scrubbed}

Bad boys gets all the girls :smallwink:

[SDF]

Apparently not bad enough, judging from the post.

In regards to the topic, sometimes it's not them it's you. What are your interests? There are probably more women without country/red neck pursuits than with. Do you have other interests aside from traditionally, "nerdy" hobbies? There are many, many interesting things out there that don't cost much that you could start a relationship on.

[ufo]

My own experiences tell me that if you're deeply in love with somebody, whatever interests them will suddenly be of a much more attractive nature.

That is how I came about to watch Twilight, and I think it is the only reason that I do not consider it worse than "bad".

My point is, if you feel something for somebody, don't let your diverging interests put you off, because if there was no chance of either of you changing to accomodate the other, I think you would subconciously have given up on beforehand.

[2xMachina]

Oh god, sparkly vampires.

[rakkoon]

I got together with a girl who knew nothing about Fantasy, Roleplaying, Martial arts, English or Computers. We've been together for 11 years now.
She isn't converted but she likes Buffy, Star Wars, my Elf figurines and enjoys my enthiusiasm in other stuff.
She doesn't have to be the same, just respect your interests and be able to talk about it to some level.
I love the Discworld series and we've seen the two movies together, there's no way I'm going to get her to read all (28?) books for instance.
She doesn't like the bruises from Martials arts but understands that I need it and takes care of the kids so I can go.
As long as she doesn't look down on your hobbies I wouldn't consider it a breaking point.

[Faceist]

[...]
But as I thought more on this subject, I wondered if I am aiming too high. Is it impractical to narrow my search to only those who share my interests? Is it a mistake to eliminate all those who may be interested in the future just because I enjoy spending my time in a different fashion? Am I perhaps intimidated by my own ignorance in these fields? I may not be of sound enough mind to answer these questions. Am I alone in this?
While you're probably not alone, I personally think you're limiting yourself. A lot of people say you have to have some things in common to maintain a healthy relationship, but I think it's much more important to find someone whose personality compliments yours. Hobbies can, of course, be indicative of personality traits (like I'd expect nerdy people to be more introverted and smarter, on average, than non-nerdy ones), but not always. I once dated a girl who was different from me in basically every way, on the surface; I love indie music, she liked pop and rap, I want to be a published author/freelance journalist, she wanted to be a hair stylist, I'm insanely liberal and she was... not. :smalltongue: But she had a great sense of humour and we weren't shy about sharing our interests (or mocking each others, where appropriate), and we ended up having a lot of fun together.

Basically what I'm saying is don't judge someone based on external factors like their interests. Conversely, don't assume you need to take up someone elses interests to seem appealing to them. Some common ground will help you get your foot in the proverbial door, but I've found confidence (and maybe some booze) helps much better in that department. Best of luck finding someone, man.

[Cyrion]

Another call from the "go for it" camp. My wife and I don't share many hobbies/interests, but the ones we do we share really intensely. What makes our relationship work isn't those shared interests, but what we offer each other emotionally and personally; in that we are exceedingly well matched. Many people need to have closely matched interests in order to feel close in a romantic relationship, but it's not always necessary.

Very few people have actually died from a broken heart. Affix your heart to your sleeve, get out there and see what comes of it all. Sure, you're going to fall down and skin your knees (metaphorically) from time to time, but it's worth it in the end.

[valadil]

In fact, this is a problem with me, because I am ONLY looking for deep, serious relationships despite knowing that others are likely not looking for the same. As a result, I am very cautious about approaching women. This is done both out of not wanting to burden them with a choice they don't want and my own fear of rejection.


I used to make this mistake too. It's more common than you'd think.

Everyone wants to reach a deep, serious relationship. In order to do so you have to go through casual dating first. You can't just skip ahead to what you expect to be the good part.

Furthermore, if you only go after girls for whom you expect you could have a serious relationship you'll never learn to date. I definitely made this mistake. I ignored all the girls I could have dated in high school because I couldn't see myself with them long term. Then I got to college and did meet interesting girls (who gamed, no less) and I didn't know what to do with them. What's worse is that because they did seem like the long term romance types, I was afraid to screw things up.

You need to practice dating. This is going to sound crass, but date someone you don't really care about. If they reject you it'll sting, but you'll be fine a day later. You can make mistakes with someone like this and it won't be the end of the world because you just don't have that much invested in them. And this is how you'll learn to date, so that when you do meet Miss Perfect you'll have a clue about how to interact with her.

[Telonius]

I don't think you're aiming "too high," but I'd suggest that you might want to be sure what you're aiming for. Relationships do need to have common ground, but they don't need to be completely intersecting in all aspects. (At least in my experience, the ones that are completely intersecting can be just as screwed up as the ones where nothing exists in common).

You aren't just one thing, and nobody else is either. Don't get scared off by one difference! Just because you like Lord of the Rings and she likes NASCAR, is no reason to discount the relationship's possibilities. My wife loves NASCAR, and really doesn't like playing D&D; I can't stand NASCAR and, well, I'm posting here. But she also loves Star Trek, MythBusters, Top Gear, and Avatar: The Last Airbender; and wrote a thesis on blogs. That's all stuff that I like and can talk with her about.

[Delwugor]

Awesome advice valadil!
Recently I talked with my 15 yo son and said basically the same thing. Get out and date for the experience not just what to do but to learn how to be with another person.

Also looking for someone that matches what you want/think you want/similar interests/whatever does not necessarily mean having a serious relationship. Why? because a successful relationship is not measured in what you get (or match) with the other person, but is measured by how much you put into it.

Don't put the litmus test on the other person (does she match...) because that just limits your choices. Instead put the litmus test on yourself (can I commit to this person) because that shows what you can put into it to make it work. And after 18 years of marriage I can say you have to put in more than you ever believed possible.

[Faceist]

You need to practice dating. This is going to sound crass, but date someone you don't really care about. If they reject you it'll sting, but you'll be fine a day later. You can make mistakes with someone like this and it won't be the end of the world because you just don't have that much invested in them. And this is how you'll learn to date, so that when you do meet Miss Perfect you'll have a clue about how to interact with her.
Yes. Seriously, this is excellent advice. A relationship is like any other pursuit, practice makes perfect and nobody's good at it from the get-go. To show Valadil that he is not crass (or at least not as crass as me), it'll also give you a chance to brush up on the sexual side of things, since you don't want Miss Perfect to think you're crap in bed, right? :smallwink:

[Seffbasilisk]

You learn more from mistakes, than you do from easy victories.

[Totally Guy]

I'm proud to say that I've dated every single straight girl of the right age that I've known for the last 3 years. But neither of them worked out.

Why are all my friends into LGBT stuff?... The irony of my misery is lost on them.