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Deth Muncher
2010-06-27, 11:08 AM
So, we all know the "POST UR FAVRITE FUNY DanD STRY LULZ!" threads. This is one of those, except not really. See, most of those (with the exception of SilverClawShift lighting her "friends" on fire) are generally benign. What I want are the EVIL funny stories. The horrible ones. The vile ones. The following story has been spoilered for length and gruesomeness.

This is one from a character a friend of mine played. For some backstory, this was right before the campaign ended due to rampant dumb. My friend was playing a character that LOOKED like a bumbling oaf Human Cleric of Somthingorother, but in reality was a Half Shapeshifter/Half Fiend Cleric of Baator. I don't know where he found this combination, but apparently being a Cleric of Baator takes up both of your domain slots, but in exchange you can cast Greater Darkness, see in all darkness (mundane or magic), and a few other silly things. Also, on this given day, the DM's girlfriend was covering for him. She runs a very feminist Girls Only D&D Group, so most of us guys get rubbed the wrong way whenever she does stuff with the game around us. So my friend decided to take his revenge on her.

She tells us we've just entered a town. My friend (we'll call him F) asks where the nearest jewelery shop is. She tells him, he heads that way. He goes inside.
DMGF: Okay, you see the shopkeep and two customers.
F: Okay. I cast Greater Darkness. I can see in it, thanks to my cleric abilities.
DMGF: Okay?
F: I sneak behind the counter, slit the shopkeep's throat, and hide his body under the counter.
DMGF: Oh...kay? Roll...to hide the body, I guess?
F: *Rolls low*
DMGF: Okay, uh...there's a leg sticking out.
F: Cool. I shapeshift into the shopkeeper then dispel the darkness.
DMGF: Oh. Kay. Well, the two confused customers come up to you and ask you about a ring in the display.
F: I tell them I'll sell it to them for...uh, like 300 gold.
DMGF: They readily accept. You can hear them once they've walked outside going "Hah! What an idiot! He sold us a 5k ring for 300 gold! Sucker!"
F: Eh. Wasn't my ring in the first place.
--At this point, the DMGF tries to make F feel bad about his actions--
DMGF: At this point, two little children, a boy and a girl, run into the shop and say "Daddy daddy come play with us!"
F: (The player smirks) Okay kids, you just run upstairs and I'll come play in a minute!
DMGF: Both - "Yaaaay!"
F: I lock the door and head upstairs.
DMGF: Okay. Once upstairs, you see a large open room with a fire going in the fireplace in the corner. Off of this room, you see a pregnant woman who must be the children's mother. She is asleep.
F: (Again, the player gets a lunatic grin) Okay, I say to the kids "Okay kids, I'll come play in just a minute, I have to take care of something first.
DMGF: Kids- "Yaaaay!"
F: I go into the bedroom and lock it.
DMGF: Kay?
F: I go to the woman.
DMGF: Kay?
F: I slit her throat, then eat her, since my true form is Large size. (Note - I'm not entirely sure he could actually do this, but it was too ridiculous not to let go.)
DMGF: (With look of abject horror on her face) Oh...kay?
F: (Still with a grin) Okay, I unlock the bedroom door and walk into the den. I say to the kids "Hey guys, you want to play a game with Daddy?"
DMGF: Kids - "Yeah!"
F: "Okay, well, what I want you to do is for each of you to go sit in a corner, close your eyes and plug your ears."
DMGF: You're not really...
F: Mhm.
DMGF: (sigh) Kids - "Okay Daddy! We love you!" The kids go to the corners and cover their ears and eyes.
F: Great. I walk over to the daughter and eat her.
DMGF: (still with abject horror) Really?
F: Yeah.
DMGF: Okay. Now what?
F: I walk to the son.
DMGF: And eat him too?
F: No. I revert to my natural form, and tap him on the shoulder.
DMGF: He opens his eyes, sees you and starts to scream.
F: NOW I eat him.


That was the most hilarious use of CE I've ever seen in my life.

Lord Loss
2010-06-27, 11:26 AM
So, we all know the "POST UR FAVRITE FUNY DanD STRY LULZ!" threads. This is one of those, except not really. See, most of those (with the exception of SilverClawShift lighting her "friends" on fire) are generally benign. What I want are the EVIL funny stories. The horrible ones. The vile ones. The following story has been spoilered for length and gruesomeness.

This is one from a character a friend of mine played. For some backstory, this was right before the campaign ended due to rampant dumb. My friend was playing a character that LOOKED like a bumbling oaf Human Cleric of Somthingorother, but in reality was a Half Shapeshifter/Half Fiend Cleric of Baator. I don't know where he found this combination, but apparently being a Cleric of Baator takes up both of your domain slots, but in exchange you can cast Greater Darkness, see in all darkness (mundane or magic), and a few other silly things. Also, on this given day, the DM's girlfriend was covering for him. She runs a very feminist Girls Only D&D Group, so most of us guys get rubbed the wrong way whenever she does stuff with the game around us. So my friend decided to take his revenge on her.

She tells us we've just entered a town. My friend (we'll call him F) asks where the nearest jewelery shop is. She tells him, he heads that way. He goes inside.
DMGF: Okay, you see the shopkeep and two customers.
F: Okay. I cast Greater Darkness. I can see in it, thanks to my cleric abilities.
DMGF: Okay?
F: I sneak behind the counter, slit the shopkeep's throat, and hide his body under the counter.
DMGF: Oh...kay? Roll...to hide the body, I guess?
F: *Rolls low*
DMGF: Okay, uh...there's a leg sticking out.
F: Cool. I shapeshift into the shopkeeper then dispel the darkness.
DMGF: Oh. Kay. Well, the two confused customers come up to you and ask you about a ring in the display.
F: I tell them I'll sell it to them for...uh, like 300 gold.
DMGF: They readily accept. You can hear them once they've walked outside going "Hah! What an idiot! He sold us a 5k ring for 300 gold! Sucker!"
F: Eh. Wasn't my ring in the first place.
--At this point, the DMGF tries to make F feel bad about his actions--
DMGF: At this point, two little children, a boy and a girl, run into the shop and say "Daddy daddy come play with us!"
F: (The player smirks) Okay kids, you just run upstairs and I'll come play in a minute!
DMGF: Both - "Yaaaay!"
F: I lock the door and head upstairs.
DMGF: Okay. Once upstairs, you see a large open room with a fire going in the fireplace in the corner. Off of this room, you see a pregnant woman who must be the children's mother. She is asleep.
F: (Again, the player gets a lunatic grin) Okay, I say to the kids "Okay kids, I'll come play in just a minute, I have to take care of something first.
DMGF: Kids- "Yaaaay!"
F: I go into the bedroom and lock it.
DMGF: Kay?
F: I go to the woman.
DMGF: Kay?
F: I slit her throat, then eat her, since my true form is Large size. (Note - I'm not entirely sure he could actually do this, but it was too ridiculous not to let go.)
DMGF: (With look of abject horror on her face) Oh...kay?
F: (Still with a grin) Okay, I unlock the bedroom door and walk into the den. I say to the kids "Hey guys, you want to play a game with Daddy?"
DMGF: Kids - "Yeah!"
F: "Okay, well, what I want you to do is for each of you to go sit in a corner, close your eyes and plug your ears."
DMGF: You're not really...
F: Mhm.
DMGF: (sigh) Kids - "Okay Daddy! We love you!" The kids go to the corners and cover their ears and eyes.
F: Great. I walk over to the daughter and eat her.
DMGF: (still with abject horror) Really?
F: Yeah.
DMGF: Okay. Now what?
F: I walk to the son.
DMGF: And eat him too?
F: No. I revert to my natural form, and tap him on the shoulder.
DMGF: He opens his eyes, sees you and starts to scream.
F: NOW I eat him.


That was the most hilarious use of CE I've ever seen in my life.

You were playing D&D, right, not FATAL? Just to be clear.:smallbiggrin:

Choco
2010-06-27, 11:44 AM
I got one from a while back, don't remember all of the details but the important bits are still there. First some setup:

I was playing an evil character in a good/neutral party (I had the same goals as the rest of the party though for much more selfish reasons, and everyone was cool with me doing it and they both OOC and IC knew of my alignment) and had taken the Leadership feat to staff my home base with loyal followers and a cohort (as opposed to hirelings loyal only to money). The first time I take the party to my base to give us a place to rest and resupply, the party monk decides to be himself and be insulting to everyone and everything he meets that he disapproves of (this character was VERY confrontational and insulting, definitely very un-monklike but he was quite arrogant from having won all of his previous bouts).

The DM was playing the cohort and a major part of her personality is that she had a REALLY bad temper and would not tolerate anyone talking smack about me, her, our army, etc. She was a Warblade, and had I think 3 or more deformity feats, an obviously evil/scary person.

Monk: *says something cohort finds horribly insulting* (forgot what exactly, but he was obviously TRYING to be insulting)
Cohort: *fuming, starts pulling out her sword and walking towards monk* "You would be a lot more tolerable without your tongue"
Me: *holds out arm to stop cohort* "Don't bother with this one, the fool is not worth the effort and has been quite useful to me in the past"
Cohort: *starts putting sword away, though obviously still fuming*
Monk: *decides it would be a good idea to now also insult the one who just broke up the fight* "That's right dog, sit down, shut up, and listen to your master. Even he has enough brains to realize I would rearange your ugly mug to be even uglier than it is now, though I still don't know how that will be possible"
Me: *puts arm back down* "On second thought, do what you want, have fun, my gift to you."

She proceeded to kill him quite brutally within just a few rounds, and ending the fight well above 3/4 health. The player decided that his character was so "humbled" by being so royally trounced by someone's minion that he refused resurrection.

NEO|Phyte
2010-06-27, 11:46 AM
Not to nitpick, but what is a CE person doing being a cleric of (the LE) Baator?

Volthawk
2010-06-27, 12:14 PM
The Baator domain is from Spell Compendium.

Lord Vukodlak
2010-06-27, 01:54 PM
The party has finally escaped the collapsing demi-plane and have returned to the prime material. My lawful evil cleric of tyranny invites the group to his home estate to celebrate and as backup.

He's been gone five years and may need to reclaim a few things.
The city its self looks like Mordor crossed with Minas Tirith. My character's church actually rules the city with an ironfist but is beloved for bringing order, safety and security to the land.

The party enters the great gates and is greeted my a merchant.
"Lord Christof you've returned! and you brought slaves!"
*who the hell is that guy I thought, ah who cares why I'll take a greeting from anyone even a dirty peasant* I thought.
"Its good to see you, so tell me what has transpired in my home while I was gone"

"Well my lord your wife has been waiting expectantly for your return she always said you were alive, though you have nine suitors in your courtyard trying to woo your 'widow'"
The merchant informed me.
"Nine suitors?, wow that makes me kinda proud"

"There used to be more but your wife killed 3 or 4 already"

"That's my lover"

So the party goes to my house and I put on my fiend helm so as do disguise my identity.
I sit down with the suitors and question them a bit. Before demanding that they all leave.
"And why should we do that!?" they demanded.
"Flee this place or die, for I am Lord Christof Romulad, and I have returned!" I said removing my helmet.
Now at my side were my three party members and two sizable undead minions.

The suitors stood up and ran for the door, unfortunately for them. The chaotic evil spellsword, assumed I intended to kill them anyway. He sealed the exist with a wall of force and proceeded to slaughter them.
"Wait, I actually... forget it" I was going to call him off having spent much time on the island restraining his bloodlust but decided I was to tried to bother and here I could get away with killing them all.
So I signaled my two undead minions to join in while I went to greet my wife.

Raimun
2010-06-27, 04:16 PM
Call the inquisition! This thread is horrifying. :smallamused:

...

... Still, I guess the classic is to resurrect back to life a person you have just slowly killed. And then kill the said person again. Slowly, of course.

Morph Bark
2010-06-27, 05:08 PM
Call the inquisition! This thread is horrifying. :smallamused:

...

... Still, I guess the classic is to resurrect back to life a person you have just slowly killed. And then kill the said person again. Slowly, of course.

Wouldn't work. Subject must be willing. Plus, would you really pay tons of diamonds and XP to do that?

Deth Muncher
2010-06-27, 05:09 PM
You were playing D&D, right, not FATAL? Just to be clear.:smallbiggrin:

Nope, it was totally D&D. F was feeling rather spiteful that day, since the DMGF kinda ruined the gamestore we attended.

Morph Bark
2010-06-27, 05:12 PM
The player decided that his character was so "humbled" by being so royally trounced by someone's minion that he refused resurrection.

That is an awesome way to justify rolling up a new character.

Raimun
2010-06-27, 06:03 PM
Wouldn't work. Subject must be willing. Plus, would you really pay tons of diamonds and XP to do that?

1. True. That is, if the game in question is regular DnD. However, people seem to post examples to threads like this about games other than DnD. There are a number of games where kill/raise/kill isn't limited in such way.

Still, let's assume the game is DnD. It's still quite possible to trick someone to accept the resurrection before they die or just get someone else to raise them.

2. Would I? For the evulz, of course I would. :smallamused:

Swordgleam
2010-06-27, 11:30 PM
We had a LE-ish pally of Torog PC with our group. No one trusted him, but they needed his help. The ranger was more or less TN and she especially mistrusted him.

At one point the ranger found out that these goblins the party was fighting worshipped Torog. She didn't mention it to the pally. Later, the pally yells, "Bow before the might of Torog's champion!" while fighting the goblins, at which point they all yell "blasphemer!" in goblin and pound him into the dust within a single round - the party barely kept him from death.

The ranger then explains why that particular warcry might not work. The paladin says, "Why didn't you tell me?"
The ranger replies, "I assumed you knew!"
"Why?"
"Because it's exactly the sort of thing you wouldn't tell us!"

AdamSmasher
2010-06-28, 01:03 AM
I was playing a higher level sorcerer in a relatively low magic world, where magic items especially were rare. Our party is confronted on the top of a volcano by a group of three particularly tough looking mercenary/cultist types.

They all pull out weapons and start looking menacing. They tell us to turn back from the volcano and leave the macguffin if we wanted to live, and the leader starts a monologue about how hopeless our efforts to fight them would be. One of the other PCs does some sense motive thing to size them up and tells us we're outmatched.

My sorcerer abruptly casts Telekenesis, interrupting them both, and uses the violent thrust maneuver to hurdle the two mercs in the back 100 feet out in to the center of the volcano, promptly falling several hundred feet down in to the lava.

My sorcerer looks at the lead merc and the the other PC with a smug smirk.

"You two were saying?"

AtopTheMountain
2010-06-28, 10:22 AM
<cohort killing monk story>

In all fairness, that player really should have seen his death coming. He was playing a monk, after all.

Choco
2010-06-28, 10:27 AM
In all fairness, that player really should have seen his death coming. He was playing a monk, after all.

Though he never admitted it, I think he was trying to get himself killed so he could roll up a new character. He started to realize just how weak he had become compared to the rest of the party, and was getting more and more arrogant and insulting with every fight he was able to win. It was win-win for him I guess, if you pick a fight with everyone you meet that looks powerful and you win, you score cool points. If you lose, you die and get to roll up a much better character.

Though, he DID admit that he was actually expecting to win the fight with the cohort, and that perhaps he should have observed her in combat a bit before just charging in assuming she was a fighter :smallbiggrin:.

Daitini Peck
2010-06-28, 12:29 PM
The party has finally escaped the collapsing demi-plane and have returned to the prime material. My lawful evil cleric of tyranny invites the group to his home estate to celebrate and as backup.

He's been gone five years and may need to reclaim a few things.
The city its self looks like Mordor crossed with Minas Tirith. My character's church actually rules the city with an ironfist but is beloved for bringing order, safety and security to the land.

The party enters the great gates and is greeted my a merchant.
"Lord Christof you've returned! and you brought slaves!"
*who the hell is that guy I thought, ah who cares why I'll take a greeting from anyone even a dirty peasant* I thought.
"Its good to see you, so tell me what has transpired in my home while I was gone"

"Well my lord your wife has been waiting expectantly for your return she always said you were alive, though you have nine suitors in your courtyard trying to woo your 'widow'"
The merchant informed me.
"Nine suitors?, wow that makes me kinda proud"

"There used to be more but your wife killed 3 or 4 already"

"That's my lover"

So the party goes to my house and I put on my fiend helm so as do disguise my identity.
I sit down with the suitors and question them a bit. Before demanding that they all leave.
"And why should we do that!?" they demanded.
"Flee this place or die, for I am Lord Christof Romulad, and I have returned!" I said removing my helmet.
Now at my side were my three party members and two sizable undead minions.

The suitors stood up and ran for the door, unfortunately for them. The chaotic evil spellsword, assumed I intended to kill them anyway. He sealed the exist with a wall of force and proceeded to slaughter them.
"Wait, I actually... forget it" I was going to call him off having spent much time on the island restraining his bloodlust but decided I was to tried to bother and here I could get away with killing them all.
So I signaled my two undead minions to join in while I went to greet my wife.

That's sounds pretty close to Homer's "They Odyssey". Love it when that happens.:smallcool:

Lord Vukodlak
2010-06-28, 02:55 PM
That's sounds pretty close to Homer's "They Odyssey". Love it when that happens.:smallcool:

That was basically the DM's idea. Unlike in the Odyssey however none of the suitors present were willing to face the returning husband's wrath. Probably because they only waited five-years and the wife was prone to killing some of them.

Ryuuk
2010-06-28, 03:39 PM
Hmm, just one particular.

So the party plane shifts and ends up in the middle of a huge battle. Most of us could fly so after the initial shock, we just got a better view the the mess going on around us. My character decides to fly around until she spots a random soldier of a small frame who looked like he would welcome getting out of there. She swoops down, picks him up and charms him, asking him to point out someone who knew what was going on and promising to make it worth his while. Of course, he answers almost immediately. My character then thanks him, gives him a long kiss and then drops him from the several hundred feet up in the air they had flown to. I assume there was a splat, but didn't stay to watch.


Of course, we knew we'd plane shifted into Ysgard and my character was a succubus, so that might change how evil this was.

Rhavin
2010-06-28, 03:58 PM
It was a bit of an abortive campaign that started with a mixed alignment party in the local game store. My friend and I decided that we would be (second ed D&D) drow and I went thief/assassin while he went wizard. As brothers, our characters trusted each other, but that was about it and we immediately started to take over the party as the founding members of The Black Hand (medalions and all). Within a session or two, we ran off or killed all of the good aligned characters except the cleric, who we made a probationary member of the Black Hand (complete with a medalion to mark her membership).

This had the intended effect of making the other characters want to join our organization, so we wrote up an adventuring contract. Each adventurer was entitled to a 7% monetary value share of any loot and was expected to contribute to a ressurection fund. Since there were only eight or ten characters including the two drow (who took their standard 7%), this left another 30% or so of the party's financial gain unaccounted for. Of course, this largesse was split evenly between the drow brothers and resulted in significantly better equipment for them than the rest of the party (just as it should be).

The funniest part was that the Resurrection Fund was simply viewed as another slush fund by the brothers, but (due to running out of things to buy locally) it actually had some money in it when my character got killed by a freak critical and the party got him resurrected.

For those of you who have read the Knights of the Dinner Table, this should sound somewhat familiar, and the fact that the other party members didn't revolt immediately seems to indicate that they didn't know what was happening until considerably later.

gallagher
2010-06-28, 04:15 PM
im a big fan of finding local fowl, mainly geese, ducks, and chickens, and i proceed to kick them off of tall structures such as churches and wizards towers

Lord Vukodlak
2010-06-28, 05:04 PM
This goes back to an old epic 3.0 game. The enemy is defeated the godslayer sword is now in our possession.
My half-fiend offers up the swords destruction to the gods in exchange for godhood.
After ascending to the divine I return to the party stronghold and announce.
"This place has outlived its usefulness as have all of you" then proceed to wipe out the entire party.