Hannes
2010-07-08, 03:20 AM
I remember... what? What is it really that I remember? Was it a party? Was it an ordinary day? No. I remember the day I lost my future.
Let's start from the beginning though. It IS a day I remember, one of the longest in the year. I saw her there. True, she was beautiful, but so are so many!
Why should I care? So I ignored her for the beginning, as I always do with new people. Yet as the night grew older I saw glimpses of her here and there,
talking to her friends on the balcony as I came for a lonely cigarette, laughing in the kitchen with others. It... Intoxicated me. Strangled me.
I felt as if crushed under the face of a cliff. I could feel her presence, moving around in the apartment. I finally decided to talk to her,
that graceful creature, full of beauty and happiness. At one point she told me a thing she hadn't told to many - that she had never kissed. So one moment
I kissed her. There was such happiness in her eyes I could feel my heart melting, my eyes drying from trying not to blink, that tingly feeling in your brain.
But that didn't mean anything. She had also met another great boy at the party. One I loathed with all my being. He was everything I was not, everything.
For days, I was crushed. I told her not to go for him, for I knew he didn't mean it as seriously as I did. And one day, she chose me.
Those were the most beautiful days of my life, if not to say the only.
And one day, about a month later, she told me she couldn't go on. She told me, that she couldn't be in a relationship, because she hadn't been in one earlier.
She knew that she flirted with guys and she knew it would crush my heart. So I cried. And I cried. And I cried. And though I asked for a last kiss,
that kiss was the taste of death, finality, it was the wine of sorrow, the brew of melancholy. And so it ended.
I couldn't go on. I spent a few weeks home, silent, never talking to anyone if I didn't have to. It seemed as if she had taken away all my vitality, all my
will to do anything. My smiles, my carelessness towards tomorrow, all of it, gone with her, as if blown to the wind which would never return.
But eventually, you have to go on. So I went. For a while, I forgot I got over her. True, she went to my school now, but I only saw glimpses of her, rushing
into class. Eventually, I found another. I thought it was all behind me.
And yet, time heals nothing, it seems. As we spent some time together with her, I could feel myself crushed again, the old scabs torn open. I longed for those happy eyes full of sunshine, those careless smiles of infinite joy. I couldn't be with my girlfriend. And yet I did. Unlike many would have done, I never cheated on her, for I am an old-fashioned man. A man of honor.
But that relationship crumbled, and it was far easier to let it go than the one before it. And yet again, I thought I found solace.
But nothing could compare to her. It has been broken from the start, like my very being. It's as if a plant was suddenly and violently shoved into
a dark cabinet, with nothing to look at except the rays of the sun shining through the cracks, never able to feel its warmth.
And for that, I hate her. I hate her for stealing my sunshine, my mirth, my carelessness, everything I thought mine. My emotions, ripped from my heart,
my happiness, so cruelly bent into hate for everything I see, my passions, all turned into madness. It's all gone, gone, forever, and it's all her fault!
I should kill her! Strangle her!
And yet...
I love her, but I am too weak to admit it, to end my current relationship and crush a heart who yearns for me, maybe the same way I yearn for her.
But I can never have deliverance, no more than a hacked-down tree turned into a healthy one again.
So these are the last lines I will ever write.
Take care.
(The message was found in a room with a body, with blots of blood covering the letter. The author had used a pistol to end his days. His death was swift,
but in no way clean)
Let's start from the beginning though. It IS a day I remember, one of the longest in the year. I saw her there. True, she was beautiful, but so are so many!
Why should I care? So I ignored her for the beginning, as I always do with new people. Yet as the night grew older I saw glimpses of her here and there,
talking to her friends on the balcony as I came for a lonely cigarette, laughing in the kitchen with others. It... Intoxicated me. Strangled me.
I felt as if crushed under the face of a cliff. I could feel her presence, moving around in the apartment. I finally decided to talk to her,
that graceful creature, full of beauty and happiness. At one point she told me a thing she hadn't told to many - that she had never kissed. So one moment
I kissed her. There was such happiness in her eyes I could feel my heart melting, my eyes drying from trying not to blink, that tingly feeling in your brain.
But that didn't mean anything. She had also met another great boy at the party. One I loathed with all my being. He was everything I was not, everything.
For days, I was crushed. I told her not to go for him, for I knew he didn't mean it as seriously as I did. And one day, she chose me.
Those were the most beautiful days of my life, if not to say the only.
And one day, about a month later, she told me she couldn't go on. She told me, that she couldn't be in a relationship, because she hadn't been in one earlier.
She knew that she flirted with guys and she knew it would crush my heart. So I cried. And I cried. And I cried. And though I asked for a last kiss,
that kiss was the taste of death, finality, it was the wine of sorrow, the brew of melancholy. And so it ended.
I couldn't go on. I spent a few weeks home, silent, never talking to anyone if I didn't have to. It seemed as if she had taken away all my vitality, all my
will to do anything. My smiles, my carelessness towards tomorrow, all of it, gone with her, as if blown to the wind which would never return.
But eventually, you have to go on. So I went. For a while, I forgot I got over her. True, she went to my school now, but I only saw glimpses of her, rushing
into class. Eventually, I found another. I thought it was all behind me.
And yet, time heals nothing, it seems. As we spent some time together with her, I could feel myself crushed again, the old scabs torn open. I longed for those happy eyes full of sunshine, those careless smiles of infinite joy. I couldn't be with my girlfriend. And yet I did. Unlike many would have done, I never cheated on her, for I am an old-fashioned man. A man of honor.
But that relationship crumbled, and it was far easier to let it go than the one before it. And yet again, I thought I found solace.
But nothing could compare to her. It has been broken from the start, like my very being. It's as if a plant was suddenly and violently shoved into
a dark cabinet, with nothing to look at except the rays of the sun shining through the cracks, never able to feel its warmth.
And for that, I hate her. I hate her for stealing my sunshine, my mirth, my carelessness, everything I thought mine. My emotions, ripped from my heart,
my happiness, so cruelly bent into hate for everything I see, my passions, all turned into madness. It's all gone, gone, forever, and it's all her fault!
I should kill her! Strangle her!
And yet...
I love her, but I am too weak to admit it, to end my current relationship and crush a heart who yearns for me, maybe the same way I yearn for her.
But I can never have deliverance, no more than a hacked-down tree turned into a healthy one again.
So these are the last lines I will ever write.
Take care.
(The message was found in a room with a body, with blots of blood covering the letter. The author had used a pistol to end his days. His death was swift,
but in no way clean)