put your good {Forum appropriate} jokes here!

[super dark33]

write down here the best jokes you ever found.


now hit me with all that you got!

[Raistlin1040]

Alright. This one is a knock knock joke.

You start.

[Mauve Shirt]

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
illustration (http://evilelq.deviantart.com/#/d2n89rr)

[The Succubus]

A few weeks ago, I found myself in a dingy London pub and at the bar was a most peculiar sight. There was a man dressed like something out of Arabian Nights - curly toed sandals, waistcoat, turban, the works. There was also a tiny little man playing a tiny little piano and glaring at both of them was the barman.

Curiousity got the better of me and I walked over to the guy in the turban.

"What are you dressed like that for?"

"Pardon?" he said, cupping a hand to his ear.

"WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT FOR?"

"Oh, I'm a genie, mate. Ask for anything you desire and I shall grant your wish."

Not being the greedy sort and somewhat skeptical of his abilities, I think for a minute. "I'd like 50 pounds, please."

"Pardon?

"I'd like 50 pounds, please."

"What?"

"I'D LIKE 50 QUID!"

The genie waves his hands and *POOF*, 50 octopuses land on my head. Crawling out from beneath the tentacles, I glare at the genie and ask him what he was playing at. The barmans looks down at me and says:

"Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?

[Dogmantra]

A joke of my own making!

Punny Business II: Straw Hut
Long ago, in a country far away, lived a young boy and his family, in a hut made of straw. The boy was a very fussy eater, and one day, was given a cheese and ham scone to eat. Not only was it a savoury scone, which the boy considered an abomination, but the ham was also improperly cured and had gone slightly off. In a fit, the boy chucked the scone into the corner, never to be seen again. Soon, however, the family was visited by some wild animals who smelt the ham and wanted it for themselves. Upon reaching the hut, all that the wild animals could tell is that the source of the smell was from inside the hut. They easily broke apart the straw walls, letting the hut collapse onto the boy's mother and father. and took the cheese and ham scone away to eat. The boy, who had been playing outside, turned around to see he was now homeless, and unless he acted fast, parentless. From that day forward, the boy knew that people in grass houses shouldn't throw scones.

THE END???

[A Rainy Knight]

To play off the same saying as Dogmantra's:

There once was a mighty tribal king who lived in a palatial grass hut. However, he sat upon a lowly throne of sticks and mud, which displeased him greatly. He demanded that his followers build him a better throne, which they did, out of stone. He took his lousy old stick-throne and stored it in the attic of his hut and sat upon his new stone throne. However, he quickly grew tired of this one as well. He demanded thrones and more thrones, thrones of obsidian, marble, silver, and gold, each time putting the unwanted old throne in the attic. Finally, the strain on the grass flooring of the attic grew too great, and the thrones fell through, landed on the king, and killed him. It just goes to show you that
people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Savannah]

A human, an elf, and a dwarf walk into a bar. The human orders a mug of beer, the elf orders a glass of wine, and the dwarf orders a mug of ale. When the barmaid brings their drinks, the three discover that there is a fly in each one.

The humanshrugs, picks up the fly and tosses it aside, and drinks his beer.

The elfshudders and asks the barmaid for a new glass of wine.

The dwarfgrabs the fly and starts shouting,
"Spit it out! SPIT! IT! OUT!"

[Winthur]

To play off the same saying as Dogmantra's:
*snip*

*stops tinkering with his gadgets*

Despite all claims to the contrary, turnip beer has wondrous medicinal properties in addition to its fine taste.

:smalltongue:

As for jokes...
A hunchback went on a walk through the cemetery at night.
Suddenly, a ghost approached him.
*WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, HUMAN?*, it boomed.
"O-o-only a hunch!", he replies scared.
*GIVE IT TO ME, THEN.*
The hunchback goes away without his hunch and is very happy with that fact. Later he approaches his friend, a war veteran with a damaged leg and told him all about the encounter. Said friend goes to the cemetery at night. He barely ventured in and he's already approached by the wraith.
*HAVE YOU GOT A HUNCH?*, the ghost spoke.
"No", the veteran replied truthfully.
*TAKE IT THEN.*

[Rutskarn]

There once was a soldier, a grizzled veteran of many wars against the foreign Dantar and Eppian tribes. And as he fought, he made many sacrifices--he lost an eye to a spear, his teeth to a gauntlet, and his trusty sword grew pitted and rusted. Then the war ended, and he was adrift, known everywhere as the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword.

One day, he decides he needs something to complete him--a wife. He thinks on the matter, then decides that a soldier of his stature deserves only the best--the flaxen-haired daughter of the king himself. And so, determined as he was to win the king's daughter, he went to the castle.

As he arrived, he told the royal arranger, "I want to see the king."

The arranger said, "the king is seeing nobody."

And he said, "Not even the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the arranger asked: "Well, that depends. Are you the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said: "Yes. Yes, I am the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword."

The arranger said, "Alright, then, he can see you."

And so the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword stepped into the king's chambers. The king regarded him regally--as kings do--and asked him, "What business have ye here, o man of a single eye, a single tooth, and a withered blade?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Well, my lord, I wondered if I might have your daughter in marriage."

The king said nothing at first, lost in thought. Finally, he said, "Well, soldier, this is quite a difficult request. Truly, you are valorous. You have slain many men of Dantar and Eppian in your day. Still...my daugher is a fair jewel. There are few of her like out there. There are, however, many suitors--many of whom have both eyes, and many teeth, and swords that gleam like sunlight."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword grinned his one-toothed grin, and winked his single eye. "Well, my lord, I may have one eye, and I may have one tooth, and my sword might be rusted and old, but my one eye is good, and my one tooth is sharp, and my sword has never failed me yet. I promise you, my lord--all of these may yet serve you well."

And the king thought on this. Finally, he said, "Well..."

"Very well, solider, I will give you your chance. I will let you try for the hand of my daughter. But before I am convinced of your worth, you must complete for me three tasks. Do you understand?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned, and cried, "Yes!"

The king smiled benevolently, as kings do, and said: "Alright, then. Here is your first task.

"The Eppians have acquired a saintly relic--a chalice made of silver, once possessed by Saint Crane. You must go behind lines and retrieve for me this chalice."

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off for Eppian lands.

It took him many days and nights to cross the dunes to Eppia. He would go days at a time without food or water, driven by love and honor alone. He avoided the soldiers of Eppia, careful not to be seen.

Finally, he came across the sacred chalice, being transported in a carriage. Strangely, the carriage was made of canvas, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword paid this detail no heed.

He knew it would be difficult to acquire the chalice. It was guarded heavily. But he thought of the princess, and he mustered his courage, and he entered the carriage.

He raced past the guards, snatched the chalice of St. Crane, and dove out of the canvas carriage. Having accomplished this, he returned to the king.

He came to the king, the triumphant one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, and said, "My lord, I have for you the Silver Chalice of St. Crane, taken from the Eppians!"

And the king smiled, as kings do, and took the chalice. "Well done. It seems I have underestimated the keenness of your one eye, and the truth of your rusted blade. Still, there are two more tasks. Are you ready for the next?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Yes, my lord, I am ready!"

The king smiled.

"Very well. This may sound strange, but trust me--it is important. A boat on Dantar waters carries a bottle with them. This bottle is made of jade, and bears the letter "T" on its stem. You must get the bottle from the Dantar boat and bring it back to me."

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned his one-toothed grin, and set off.

It took the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword many days to reach the Dantar boat, for it was swift, and he was but a lone seaman. But his efforts were not in vain--finally, under dead of night, he came to the side of the ship.

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword placed a gnarled hand on the side of the boat, and thought long and hard about what he was going to do. There would be many enemy seamen, and he would have to fight many before he could escape with the strange jade bottle. But then, he thought of the princess, and he boarded the ship.

He flung himself aboard, sword at the ready, hacking through dozens like a madman. They came in waves, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword was a skilled soldier indeed, and they were no match for him. Finally, he managed to break through the mob, kick down a door, spot the bottle with his sharp eye, grab it, and fling himself overboard. It took him many days to get to shore, but finally, he arrived--bottle clutched in his weathered hand.

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword returned to the king, and said, "Behold! For I have taken the jade bottle marked with a "T" from the Dantar boat!"

And the king laughed, as kings do, and took the bottle. "Excellent work, good solider! Excellent indeed! There is but one more task. It seems minor, of course, given what you have been through, but it is a task nonetheless."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword smiled his one-toothed smile, and said, "My lord, I am ready!"

And the king took a breath.

"Good one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, this task is simple. There is a blue sapphire at the bottom of a nearby cave, the Cave of Ant'erior. Retrieve it--but beware, for there are wolves below."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword raised his rusty sword, and cried, "It shall be done!"

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off, traveling many miles to the cave of Ant'erior. Finally, he came to the cave mouth.

At first, he was frightened, for there were wolves below that could tear the flesh from an ordinary man. But then, he thought of the princess, and he grew determined. He set off into the cave.

He was devoured by wolves.

[Cobalt]

A joke of my own making!

*snip*

I still don't get that joke. I'm like a stone wall against things others find funny.


*snip*

Gaaaaaaaaaah. I saw it coming.

[A Rainy Knight]

I still don't get that joke. I'm like a stone wall against things others find funny.

It's making a pun on the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

[The Bushranger]

Heeheehee...




I've posted this one before elsewhere, but it's still one of my all-time favourites.


Two detectives were investigating the murder of golfer Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"The witnesses said the killer used a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?!" the first detective exlaimed increulously. "What the heck is a golf gun?"

The second detective looked up from inspecting the corpse, and shrugged...
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

[Starfols]

There once was a soldier, a grizzled veteran of many wars against the foreign Dantar and Eppian tribes. And as he fought, he made many sacrifices--he lost an eye to a spear, his teeth to a gauntlet, and his trusty sword grew pitted and rusted. Then the war ended, and he was adrift, known everywhere as the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword.

One day, he decides he needs something to complete him--a wife. He thinks on the matter, then decides that a soldier of his stature deserves only the best--the flaxen-haired daughter of the king himself. And so, determined as he was to win the king's daughter, he went to the castle.

As he arrived, he told the royal arranger, "I want to see the king."

The arranger said, "the king is seeing nobody."

And he said, "Not even the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the arranger asked: "Well, that depends. Are you the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said: "Yes. Yes, I am the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword."

The arranger said, "Alright, then, he can see you."

And so the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword stepped into the king's chambers. The king regarded him regally--as kings do--and asked him, "What business have ye here, o man of a single eye, a single tooth, and a withered blade?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Well, my lord, I wondered if I might have your daughter in marriage."

The king said nothing at first, lost in thought. Finally, he said, "Well, soldier, this is quite a difficult request. Truly, you are valorous. You have slain many men of Dantar and Eppian in your day. Still...my daugher is a fair jewel. There are few of her like out there. There are, however, many suitors--many of whom have both eyes, and many teeth, and swords that gleam like sunlight."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword grinned his one-toothed grin, and winked his single eye. "Well, my lord, I may have one eye, and I may have one tooth, and my sword might be rusted and old, but my one eye is good, and my one tooth is sharp, and my sword has never failed me yet. I promise you, my lord--all of these may yet serve you well."

And the king thought on this. Finally, he said, "Well..."

"Very well, solider, I will give you your chance. I will let you try for the hand of my daughter. But before I am convinced of your worth, you must complete for me three tasks. Do you understand?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned, and cried, "Yes!"

The king smiled benevolently, as kings do, and said: "Alright, then. Here is your first task.

"The Eppians have acquired a saintly relic--a chalice made of silver, once possessed by Saint Crane. You must go behind lines and retrieve for me this chalice."

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off for Eppian lands.

It took him many days and nights to cross the dunes to Eppia. He would go days at a time without food or water, driven by love and honor alone. He avoided the soldiers of Eppia, careful not to be seen.

Finally, he came across the sacred chalice, being transported in a carriage. Strangely, the carriage was made of canvas, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword paid this detail no heed.

He knew it would be difficult to acquire the chalice. It was guarded heavily. But he thought of the princess, and he mustered his courage, and he entered the carriage.

He raced past the guards, snatched the chalice of St. Crane, and dove out of the canvas carriage. Having accomplished this, he returned to the king.

He came to the king, the triumphant one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, and said, "My lord, I have for you the Silver Chalice of St. Crane, taken from the Eppians!"

And the king smiled, as kings do, and took the chalice. "Well done. It seems I have underestimated the keenness of your one eye, and the truth of your rusted blade. Still, there are two more tasks. Are you ready for the next?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Yes, my lord, I am ready!"

The king smiled.

"Very well. This may sound strange, but trust me--it is important. A boat on Dantar waters carries a bottle with them. This bottle is made of jade, and bears the letter "T" on its stem. You must get the bottle from the Dantar boat and bring it back to me."

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned his one-toothed grin, and set off.

It took the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword many days to reach the Dantar boat, for it was swift, and he was but a lone seaman. But his efforts were not in vain--finally, under dead of night, he came to the side of the ship.

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword placed a gnarled hand on the side of the boat, and thought long and hard about what he was going to do. There would be many enemy seamen, and he would have to fight many before he could escape with the strange jade bottle. But then, he thought of the princess, and he boarded the ship.

He flung himself aboard, sword at the ready, hacking through dozens like a madman. They came in waves, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword was a skilled soldier indeed, and they were no match for him. Finally, he managed to break through the mob, kick down a door, spot the bottle with his sharp eye, grab it, and fling himself overboard. It took him many days to get to shore, but finally, he arrived--bottle clutched in his weathered hand.

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword returned to the king, and said, "Behold! For I have taken the jade bottle marked with a "T" from the Dantar boat!"

And the king laughed, as kings do, and took the bottle. "Excellent work, good solider! Excellent indeed! There is but one more task. It seems minor, of course, given what you have been through, but it is a task nonetheless."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword smiled his one-toothed smile, and said, "My lord, I am ready!"

And the king took a breath.

"Good one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, this task is simple. There is a blue sapphire at the bottom of a nearby cave, the Cave of Ant'erior. Retrieve it--but beware, for there are wolves below."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword raised his rusty sword, and cried, "It shall be done!"

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off, traveling many miles to the cave of Ant'erior. Finally, he came to the cave mouth.

At first, he was frightened, for there were wolves below that could tear the flesh from an ordinary man. But then, he thought of the princess, and he grew determined. He set off into the cave.

He was devoured by wolves.

Once upon a time Rutskarn: told an enormously long joke that had a groanworthy punchline, so I kicked him in the shins. :smalltongue:

[Dogmantra]

It's making a pun on the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

If you're one of the heretics that pronounces it to rhyme with gone, then you won't get it and you don't deserve to. :smalltongue:

[Rutskarn]

Once upon a time Rutskarn: told an enormously long joke that had a groanworthy punchline, so I kicked him in the shins. :smalltongue:

That's quite fair.

[GrlumpTheElder]

What's white and can't climb trees?
A Fridge

[Cyrion]

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.

[Marillion]

So, a blonde and a bodybuilder go back to the bodybuilder's apartment. Showing off for the lady, the bodybuilder took off his shirt and flexed his muscles. "My goodness, you're so huge!" she says. "That's 100 pounds of pure dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants, and flexes some more. "My goodness, you're so huge!" she says. "That's 100 pounds of pure dynamite, baby." But when he takes off his underwear, the blonde runs screaming from the apartment. Somewhat perplexed, he struggles to get his clothes back on and chases after her. Catching up with her outside of the building, he asks her why she ran screaming from the apartment. The woman says


"Well, I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."

[katans]

European heaven is when the police are british, the mechanics german, the cooks french, the lovers italian and it's all organized by the swiss.

European hell is when the police are german, the mechanics french, the cooks british, the lovers swiss and it's all organized by the italian.

* * *

Obligatory engineer jokes:

Two engineers, one of them dragging a brand-new bike, meet in front of their office.
- Wow, that's a cool bike. Where d'you get it?
- Well, I was walking home from work the other day and this ultra hot chick comes to me riding this bike, steps off it, strips naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike.
- Good choice. Her clothes wouldn't probably have fit you anyway.

*

A mathematician is someone who can build a bridge and not know why it collapsed.
A physicist is someone who can build a bridge and know why it collapsed.
An engineer is someone who can build a bridge that doesn't collapse, but he won't know why.

*

Three businessmen and three engineers share a train compartment. Each businessman has bought his own ticket, while the engineers only have one ticket for three.
- How's that supposed to work? the businessmen ask.
- Watch and learn, the engineers reply.
As the porter comes, the engineers sneak into the toilet and lock themselves inside. The porter knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please!", the ticket is slid under the door, the porter validates it and leaves to check the other passengers.

On the way back, the businessmen have bought one ticket for three, while the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
- How's that supposed to work? the businessmen ask.
- Watch and learn, the engineers reply.
As the porter comes, the businessmen sneak into the toilet and lock themselves inside. One of the engineers knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please!", the ticket is slid under the door, the engineers take it, lock themselves in the other toilet and wait for the porter.

Conclusion: businessmen often try and use engineer methods but in the end they never really understand them.

*

An engineer walks by a pond and suddenly a frog leaps out of it, calling: "Hey! Kiss me, and I'll turn into a princess!"
The engineer gently picks up the frog, puts it into his pocket and keeps going. The frog pokes its head out and calls: "Hey! Kiss me and I'll turn into a REALLY BEAUTIFUL and VERY WILLING princess!"
The engineer stops, picks out the frog and says: "Listen buddy, I'm an engineer. I have neither time nor use for a girlfriend. But a talking frog? That's frickin' COOL."

*

A priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf and wondering why the group of players before them is so horribly slow. The golf manager, once asked, explains that the other players are firemen who lost their eyesight saving the clubhouse from a fire and are now granted lifelong golf privileges.
The priest says: "That was so courageous. I'll pray for them."
The doctor says: "Modern medicine has gone very far. I'll see what I can do to help them."
The engineer says: "Why don't they just play at night?"

[Thufir]

In a similar vein:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician each wake up to find a fire in their respective rooms.
The engineer fills a bucket with water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The physicist makes some measurements, does some calculations, measures out the right amount of water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The mathematician makes the same measurements, does some calculations, announces "There is a solution!" then goes back to bed.

[drakir_nosslin]

I like where this thread is going...

An infinite (countable) number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one says "I'll have a pint of beer, please."
The second one then points to the first and says "I'll have half of what he's having."
The third points to the second and says "I'll have half of what he's having."
Before the fourth has time to say anything, the bartender says:
"You're all mad, that's what you are" and gives them two pints.

[BisectedBrioche]

One day Mr. Strange the lawyer was sat in the courtroom, when all of a sudden he collapsed.

After being rushed to hospital it was discovered that he was suffering from a hyperthermia, because the courthouse had failed to repair the air conditioning. Annoyed, he considered suing but realised that there was no point. Feeling guilty anyway, a kindly old judge agreed (somewhat sarcastically) to pay for his funeral arrangements when he died.

At the funeral parlour, he requested that his gravestone read "Here lies an honest man and a good lawyer". Unfortunately the mortician refused;

"I'm sorry, but there simply isn't enough space on the gravestone to say that."

"What would you suggest instead?", Strange said after a moment.

"How does 'Here lies an honest lawyer' sound?"

"But I'm not sure if that's really something that would bring me to mind when people read it..."

Then the mortician smiled and said, "On the contrary, sir. They'll read it and say 'That's Strange.'"

[Cyrion]

What's a Quark Bar?

The only candy bar with flavor and charm.

For the serious math-heads:

What's purple and commutes?

An Abelian grape.

[katans]

Math joke.

e^x is wandering through the woods and see all the other functions fleeing in fear. "Quick!" says a little x². "A derivative operator is coming! He'll reduce you to nothingness!". e^x just laughs and keeps going, and finally meets the derivative operator. "I'm not afraid of you!" e^x proudly says. "I stay the same when you derive me!". The differential operator laughs and says in a diabolical voice: "You are doomed, poor little function. I'm a d/dy!"

[Castaras]

In a similar vein:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician each wake up to find a fire in their respective rooms.
The engineer fills a bucket with water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The physicist makes some measurements, does some calculations, measures out the right amount of water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The mathematician makes the same measurements, does some calculations, announces "There is a solution!" then goes back to bed.

An Engineer asks "How does it work?"
A Physicist asks "Why does it work?"
An Accountant asks "How much will it cost me?"
A Liberal Arts Major asks "Would you like fries with that?"


"Hey, I think I lost an electron."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive."

Two cannibals talking to each other. One says to the other "I've become a vegetarian." The other says "But I saw you eat that person over there." "He was a Swede."

[BisectedBrioche]

A mac user, windows user and a linux user need to change a lightbulb.

The linux user goes out, buys a more energy efficient bulb and replaces it himself.

The windows user goes into the hardware shop and asks for the same type of bulb and confirms it simply needs screwing back in place.

The mac user phones the bulb company and asks them how much it will be to have his bulb's filament replaced.


...no offense to mac users. :smallwink:

[Eon]

There once was a soldier, a grizzled veteran of many wars against the foreign Dantar and Eppian tribes. And as he fought, he made many sacrifices--he lost an eye to a spear, his teeth to a gauntlet, and his trusty sword grew pitted and rusted. Then the war ended, and he was adrift, known everywhere as the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword.

One day, he decides he needs something to complete him--a wife. He thinks on the matter, then decides that a soldier of his stature deserves only the best--the flaxen-haired daughter of the king himself. And so, determined as he was to win the king's daughter, he went to the castle.

As he arrived, he told the royal arranger, "I want to see the king."

The arranger said, "the king is seeing nobody."

And he said, "Not even the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the arranger asked: "Well, that depends. Are you the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said: "Yes. Yes, I am the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword."

The arranger said, "Alright, then, he can see you."

And so the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword stepped into the king's chambers. The king regarded him regally--as kings do--and asked him, "What business have ye here, o man of a single eye, a single tooth, and a withered blade?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Well, my lord, I wondered if I might have your daughter in marriage."

The king said nothing at first, lost in thought. Finally, he said, "Well, soldier, this is quite a difficult request. Truly, you are valorous. You have slain many men of Dantar and Eppian in your day. Still...my daugher is a fair jewel. There are few of her like out there. There are, however, many suitors--many of whom have both eyes, and many teeth, and swords that gleam like sunlight."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword grinned his one-toothed grin, and winked his single eye. "Well, my lord, I may have one eye, and I may have one tooth, and my sword might be rusted and old, but my one eye is good, and my one tooth is sharp, and my sword has never failed me yet. I promise you, my lord--all of these may yet serve you well."

And the king thought on this. Finally, he said, "Well..."

"Very well, solider, I will give you your chance. I will let you try for the hand of my daughter. But before I am convinced of your worth, you must complete for me three tasks. Do you understand?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned, and cried, "Yes!"

The king smiled benevolently, as kings do, and said: "Alright, then. Here is your first task.

"The Eppians have acquired a saintly relic--a chalice made of silver, once possessed by Saint Crane. You must go behind lines and retrieve for me this chalice."

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off for Eppian lands.

It took him many days and nights to cross the dunes to Eppia. He would go days at a time without food or water, driven by love and honor alone. He avoided the soldiers of Eppia, careful not to be seen.

Finally, he came across the sacred chalice, being transported in a carriage. Strangely, the carriage was made of canvas, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword paid this detail no heed.

He knew it would be difficult to acquire the chalice. It was guarded heavily. But he thought of the princess, and he mustered his courage, and he entered the carriage.

He raced past the guards, snatched the chalice of St. Crane, and dove out of the canvas carriage. Having accomplished this, he returned to the king.

He came to the king, the triumphant one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, and said, "My lord, I have for you the Silver Chalice of St. Crane, taken from the Eppians!"

And the king smiled, as kings do, and took the chalice. "Well done. It seems I have underestimated the keenness of your one eye, and the truth of your rusted blade. Still, there are two more tasks. Are you ready for the next?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Yes, my lord, I am ready!"

The king smiled.

"Very well. This may sound strange, but trust me--it is important. A boat on Dantar waters carries a bottle with them. This bottle is made of jade, and bears the letter "T" on its stem. You must get the bottle from the Dantar boat and bring it back to me."

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned his one-toothed grin, and set off.

It took the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword many days to reach the Dantar boat, for it was swift, and he was but a lone seaman. But his efforts were not in vain--finally, under dead of night, he came to the side of the ship.

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword placed a gnarled hand on the side of the boat, and thought long and hard about what he was going to do. There would be many enemy seamen, and he would have to fight many before he could escape with the strange jade bottle. But then, he thought of the princess, and he boarded the ship.

He flung himself aboard, sword at the ready, hacking through dozens like a madman. They came in waves, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword was a skilled soldier indeed, and they were no match for him. Finally, he managed to break through the mob, kick down a door, spot the bottle with his sharp eye, grab it, and fling himself overboard. It took him many days to get to shore, but finally, he arrived--bottle clutched in his weathered hand.

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword returned to the king, and said, "Behold! For I have taken the jade bottle marked with a "T" from the Dantar boat!"

And the king laughed, as kings do, and took the bottle. "Excellent work, good solider! Excellent indeed! There is but one more task. It seems minor, of course, given what you have been through, but it is a task nonetheless."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword smiled his one-toothed smile, and said, "My lord, I am ready!"

And the king took a breath.

"Good one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, this task is simple. There is a blue sapphire at the bottom of a nearby cave, the Cave of Ant'erior. Retrieve it--but beware, for there are wolves below."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword raised his rusty sword, and cried, "It shall be done!"

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off, traveling many miles to the cave of Ant'erior. Finally, he came to the cave mouth.

At first, he was frightened, for there were wolves below that could tear the flesh from an ordinary man. But then, he thought of the princess, and he grew determined. He set off into the cave.

He was devoured by wolves.

*is confused*

[Cealocanth]

Here's one of my favorites.

Me: Do you know why elephants paint their toenails red?

You: No.

Me: So they can hide in a cherry tree.

You:...

Me: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

You: No.

Me: Works pretty good doesn't it?

[Shas aia Toriia]

An Engineer asks "How does it work?"
A Physicist asks "Why does it work?"
An Accountant asks "How much will it cost me?"
A Liberal Arts Major asks "Would you like fries with that?"

I'm going to use that. Awesome.

[Silverraptor]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Dum-Tsh!

[Cealocanth]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Dum-Tsh!

I heard that one before. Laughed my head off the first time.

[Rutskarn]

*is confused*

See, the punchline is that

there's 9 minutes of setup that looks like it's building up to an epic pun, and then there's no joke.

[Eon]

See, the punchline is that

there's 9 minutes of setup that looks like it's building up to an epic pun, and then there's no joke.

I figured that... :smallannoyed:

[grarrrg]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Dum-Tsh!

He stole my best joke, but here goes...

A Mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". The Mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
**
Two goldfish were in their tank,
One turns to the other and says,
"You man the gun, I'll drive"
**
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.
**
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first one.
Why didN'T the thrid squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was stapld to the tree.
**

That's all folks! You've been wonderful!
Please, drive home safely.
GOODNIGHT!

[Marillion]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Aedilred]

A man walks into a butcher's shop and speaks to the proprietor.

"I'll bet you a fiver you can't touch that meat hanging over there," he says, pointing to the far corner. The butcher looks over.

"Nah, sorry mate, the steaks are too high."

[Deth Muncher]

A man walks into a butcher's shop and speaks to the proprietor.

"I'll bet you a fiver you can't touch that meat hanging over there," he says, pointing to the far corner. The butcher looks over.

"Nah, sorry mate, the steaks are too high."

The pun! It wounds me!

[Zocelot]

See, the punchline is that

there's 9 minutes of setup that looks like it's building up to an epic pun, and then there's no joke.

There are enough jokes like that that I now expect it. If a joke goes on for over 2 minutes, I'll be surprised if it doesn't end in dissapointment

[Dogmantra]

There are enough jokes like that that I now expect it. If a joke goes on for over 2 minutes, I'll be surprised if it doesn't end in dissapointment

The world's longest joke ended in disappointment for me. Although there was a pun at the end, it hinged on the American pronounciation of a word which is pronounced differently in England, thus the joke fell completely flat.

[HypoSoc]

A house catches fire after all the firefighters in the city left to fight a forest fire. In desperation, the mayor called forth the cities scientists to fight the blaze before it took out the town. There was a Physicist, a Chemist, and a Statistician. They all immediately get to work.

The Physicist begins calculating the energy output of the fire so he can counteract it.

The Chemist is formulating a coolant to extinguish the fire.

The Statistician, meanwhile, is setting more houses on fire to get a better statistic pool.

[Cealocanth]

A house catches fire after all the firefighters in the city left to fight a forest fire. In desperation, the mayor called forth the cities scientists to fight the blaze before it took out the town. There was a Physicist, a Chemist, and a Statistician. They all immediately get to work.

The Physicist begins calculating the energy output of the fire so he can counteract it.

The Chemist is formulating a coolant to extinguish the fire.

The Statistician, meanwhile, is setting more houses on fire to get a better statistic pool.

That's a good one.

[KenderWizard]

I like that blonde & lawyer one!

Um...

A sandwich walks into a bar and goes "I'll have a pint, please." The barman says,
"I'm sorry. We don't serve sandwiches here."

[The Bushranger]

What would Batman and Robin be called, if they were run over by a truck?
Flatman and Ribbon.

[Gimliggamer]

Two gnomes walk into a bar.
The human steps over it.

Two elves walk into a bar.
Then there was a bar-elf subrace.

How do you tell if a halfling has raided your pantry?
All of the food from the bottom shelves are missing.

How do you tell if an elf has raided your pantry?
All of the vegetables are missing.

How do you tell if a troll has raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?

How many dwarves does it take to change a lightbulb?
300. I king to command, and 299 engineers to argue over how to do it right.

[jlvm4]

A man walks by a cemetary. He hears Beethoven's third symphony as he passes by. The next day, he walks by again. This time, Beethoveen's second symphony is heard. The third day it's Beethoven again, this time the first symphony. Charmed by the music, he stops in on the caretaker.

"Who's making that lovely music?" he asks.

"Oh, that's just Beethoven," the caretaker replies, gesturing to a grave. "He's decomposing."

[The Glyphstone]

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in your refridgerator?
A: There's elephant footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there's two elephants in your refridgerator?
A: There's two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there's three elephants in your refridgerator?
A: The refridgerator door won't shut.

Q: How do you know if there's four elephants in your refridgerator?
A: There's a Volkswagen Beetle parked in front of your house.

[Cyrion]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

My favorite of the many, many answers:

To show the possum it could be done.

[HypoSoc]

What's the difference between a Piccolo and a Chainsaw?
A chainsaw can be tuned.

A man is driving down the highway late at night with a rather expensive accordion visibly in the trunk. He sees an exit for a bar and decides to stop and get a drink. After two hours and twenty dollars, the man remembers his accordion. He jumps up and runs to his car only to look at the trunk and find...
...broken glass and a second accordion.

What do you call a drummer who got dumped?
Homeless

What's the difference between a bench and a Drummer?
The bench can support a family of four.

[Terry576]

See, the punchline is that

there's 9 minutes of setup that looks like it's building up to an epic pun, and then there's no joke.

You've posted that one before. :smallannoyed:

It's just as bad the second time. :smallsigh:

Because I cannot create good jokes, I'll simply direct you to Cracked (http://www.cracked.com/).

[Jera]

So a termite walks into a bar, turns to the first guy he sees and asks Is the Bartender here?

Also

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

[Diva De]

...and stick your bad jokes where the sun don't shine!

*hangs head in shame and hurries out*

[Eldan]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Dum-Tsh!

Even better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

[Spiryt]

One african tribe was tormented by the drought. Without anything to drink, cook or whatever, they decided to ask old shaman for help.

Old man had stepped out of his hut, and gave the people long stare...

Finally he said : " Anyone has any water left?"

Silence.

"Some water left?"

Finally one tribesman gathered his courage and said : I still have some" and handed skin sack with water to shaman.

Shaman took the water, poured it to the bowl, and started washing his cloak.

The tribe was looking at him, terrified. When he'd squeezed water out of cloak, and poured the water to the ground, he asked :

" Any more water left?"

And somebody handed him the rest of his water again.

Shaman just rinsed his clothes, and wasted the rest of the water. As he was hanging the laundry to dry, whole tribe was already sharpening the logs, and preparing for massacre.

When they approached him, in sudden darkness, heavy drops began to hit the ground.

Shaman looked up and said : " It always f**king rains when I'm doing the laundry..."

[mangosta71]

Sadly, most of the jokes I know would get me banned if I posted them here.
There once was a truck driver who made a game out of hitting lawyers he saw walking beside the road. One day, he came across a priest whose car had broken down. Deciding to do a good deed, he pulled over and offered the priest a ride. The priest thanked him and climbed into the cab, and they continued down the road.

After a few minutes, the trucker saw a lawyer and instictively angled to hit him. At the last moment, he remembered that he was carrying a priest and swerved back. Even though he was certain he had missed, he heard a loud THUMP.

The trucker looked over to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, father, I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's all right, my son. I got him with the door."

[Spiryt]

Military camp.

Officer said to the sergeant :

"Sergeant, we were just informed that priv. Kowalski fro your squad just lost his father."
" Please inform him gently about this."

"Yes sir!"

Sergeant goes out and shouts
" Squad! At attention! "

" Everyone who has a father, forward, MARCH! Kowalski, where the **** are you going?!"

[Ranger Mattos]

*snip*

Wait, what? :smallconfused:

[Terry576]

Wait, what? :smallconfused:

Y'see, the Ping Pong ball joke is funny cause it has no punchline.

It's like Rustkarn's ridiculous joke.

[kpenguin]

-snip-

Ruts, you're becoming a broken record player. How many times have you used this one? :smalltongue:

[Lord Raziere]

How do you tell a good joke?

You surp-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRR!!!!!

[Archonic Energy]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Dum-Tsh!


Even better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8
even betterer... :smalltongue:
http://instantrimshot.com/

[Spiryt]

Ukraine, 1930.

Local radio station is broadcasting.

Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin just woke up, why don't you wake up too?
Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin is exercising right now. Why don't you do so too?
Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin is washing himself, so wash yourself too!
Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin is eating breakfast right now, and for you - some morning music.

[Jera]

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Wait, what? :smallconfused:

Since the Pink pingpong ball joke is self explanatory I'm assuming you mean the termite joke.

It's a play on words. He's a termite. Bartender.... Bar tender.... Don't worry only one person I've told that joke to IRL has got it the first time.

It was one of ten jokes I submitted to the local news paper for a joke competition, I had high hopes that they would win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

[Wreckingrocc]

The bit of rope walks into a bar. It leaps up on a chair, sits down, and turns to the bartender. "One beer, please!"

The bartender looks down at the tiny bit of rope and shakes his head. "Excuse me, are you a bit of rope?"

The bit of rope nodded, and the bartender pointed to a sign next to him.

"We don't serve your kind. Store policy."

Saddened, the bit of rope stands up, jumps off the stool, and walks away.

The next day, the bit of rope walks into the bar with a coat, a pair of glasses, a large, novelty nose, and a fake mustache. It jumps up on the stool, sits down, and turns to the bartender. "One beer, please!"

The bartender looks down at the tiny bit of rope and chuckles. "Excuse me," he asks it, "are you a bit of rope?"

The bit of rope sighs, nods, and leaps off the stool, aware of what the bartender would next tell it to do.

The next day, the bit of rope bought a pair of scissors, and trimmed itself up, before tying off pieces of its head together. When it walked into the bar, the bartender immediately recognized it.

"Excuse me, are you a bit of rope?" He asked rather angrily.

Instead of nodding, this time the small thing smiled. "Frayed knot."

[Thajocoth]

A man is driving down the highway late at night with a rather expensive accordion visibly in the trunk. He sees an exit for a bar and decides to stop and get a drink. After two hours and twenty dollars, the man remembers his accordion. He jumps up and runs to his car only to look at the trunk and find...
...broken glass and a second accordion.

I don't get it...

[mangosta71]

I don't get it...

People hate accordions so much that, rather than stealing his fancy one, someone broke into his car to dump one.

V: Muahahaha! Mongooses, even pirate mongooses, make natural ninjas!

[Dogmantra]

I don't get it...

Someone broke into the car to add an accordion. Meaning they thought it was so worthless that they would commit a crime just to pass it on to someone else.

Curses! POST-BEFORED

[Asta Kask]

Where do I put my bad jokes?

[Dogmantra]

Where do I put my bad jokes?

Here. It's what everyone else has done. :smalltongue:

A man walks into a shop, goes up to the shopkeeper and says "I'll take one of your finest packs of chewing gum, there's a good lad. Here's the money. Make sure to keep it safe." The shopkeeper replies "Are you patronising me, sir?"

[Asta Kask]

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

[The Bushranger]

What's green and red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.

What do you call somebody who worships his car's exhaust pipes?
A catholic converter.


What did the bartender say when a font walked into his bar?
"Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

[Keld Denar]

An engineer and a mathematician found themselves in a room. On the far side of the room is a bed, and on that bed lies a beautiful young lady. A voice speaks to them and says: "If one of you can reach the lady, she'll perform any physical pleasure that you desire, however you may only cross half of the remaining distance at any given time."

The mathematician cries out in frustration! "It’s Xeno's Paradox! It’s impossible to reach her since after every remaining increment will be subdivided smaller and smaller infinitely."

With that, the engineer starts crossing the room. "What are you doing? It’s impossible!" cries the mathematician. The engineer looks back with a grin, "Maybe so, but I can sure get close enough for all practical purposes!"

[Dr.Epic]

A man walks into a bar. Five second later he wakes up find out it was a dream and is in a hospital finding out he was knocked unconscious by M. Night Shyamalan.

[BisectedBrioche]

Disclaimer: This joke does have a punchline.

At 04:00 Dr. James Buttlewick was found dead in his country home at the age of 47. Foul play was suspected so the police were called in.

At 04:46 Detective Greens arrived at the crime scene. He noted that Buttlewick had woken early and expired eating his breakfast, so he chose to question the chef.

"Monsier? Zees is a tragedy! How can I 'elp?", asked Francois.
"He died while he was eating a meal you cooked, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"Mon dier! Zees is all my fault! How can I explain!"
"You killed him?"
"Moi? Non, but I could have prevented zis tragedy..."

Because he wanted to continue gathering evidence, he decided to have his partner take the chef down to the station to question him.

As he looked over the kitchen's table he noticed a small, empty bottle next to the pan (still unwashed, congealed butter, breadcrumbs and extra portions of bacon within) and gingerly gave it a sniff. It smelled of cyanide...no it was just almond flavouring.

At that moment his phone rang;
"Greens."
"Hey, Jim. The chef's said he thinks that the food was poisoned."
"Is he sure?"
"He barely speaks English, but that's what he said."
"Fine, I'll have the food tested."

So he continued searching the kitchen but couldn't find anything. All of a sudden, his mobile rang again.

"Greens."
"Hey, it's me again. He's said more. Apparently he thinks the butler did it."
"...huh?"
"Yeah, I know it sounds clichéd, but it's worth checking out."

So Greens went to the butler's quarters, and his search turned up an empty, unlabelled bottle of pills. With this evidence he confronted the butler.

"Well, well. What's all this then?", he said, placing the bottle on the table.
"Look, I can explain it...", said the butler.
"Well you better had, because if I find out the contents of this bottle found their way into Buttlewick's breakfast-"

Then his phone rang again.

"Jim, We have a motive! The butler was in love with the victim!"
"What!?"
"Yeah, the chef said as much...I figured he must have been rejected. You know 'If I can't have him, no one can.' that sort of thing?"
"Did the chef actually say it?"
"No, he just implied it. But If you press him, I'm sure he'll admit it."

"Well is there something you aren't telling us?",So Greens said to the butler.
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is how you felt about the victim. Turned you down did he? Don't deny it. The chef's told us everything."

These words seemed to have a strange effect on the butler.

"Why does everyone assume...that...just because...I...!"
And with that, the butler pulled a revolver out of a nearby draw.
"Calm down!"
"NO! I can't stand this any longer!"
And with that the butler raised the gun to his head and shot himself.

Greens stared in shock for a moment before his phone rang yet again.
"Greens...?" He managed to choke out.
"Hey, I've finished the autopsy.", crackled the voice of the coroner.
"It's a little late for that...the suspect just shot himself..."
"Suspect? There's no murder. He died of a heart attack."
"WHAT!?"

Greens then saw a folded piece of paper on the floor and remembered that the butler had been holding it before he picked up the gun. He slowly picked it up and looked. It was a prescription, with a label (presumably from the bottle)...Emtricitabine...so that's how it was...

Furious at how things had turned out, Greens rushed back to the precinct to confront the chef.

"Why did you say the butler killed him!?", he snarled at the chef after bursting into the interrogation room.

The chef looked shocked, stared at him for a moment before finally saying.
"Non, mon ami! I said ees meal killed 'im. Eet was ze but-ter...I truly do not understand ze mysteries of zee 'eart...

[Marillion]

even betterer... :smalltongue:
http://instantrimshot.com/

It's surprising how often I get to use that.



Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
Like now. (http://www.instantrimshot.com/) Also, I think I just had an aneurysm.

[Sholos]

How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?
You open the door, shove it in, and close the door.

How do you get a giraffe into the refrigerator?
You open the door, take the elephant out, shove the giraffe in, and close the door.

The king of the jungle called a meeting. Who was missing?
The giraffe. He's still in the refrigerator.

How do you safely swim across a piranha river?
Get in the water, swim to the other side, and get out. The piranhas are all at the meeting!

Warning, long joke is long (two-parts, because it's too long for one post):
So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.

He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket

is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to

it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes – three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food – then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question – which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that – when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble – usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer – if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.

He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him – if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick – their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV – he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it – he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon – it seems like it’s been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up – he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert – crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark – darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble – he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down – like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on sand – he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is – so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?”

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different – he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy – he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe

they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?”

He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?”

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

“Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?”

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.”

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers – the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them – blood. He feels his shoulder again – his shirt has what feels like two holes in it – two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

“It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up – it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices – he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more – at all!

“Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?”

“Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.”

“You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?”

“No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works – it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.”

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great – he was still starving and exhausted, but much better – he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

“I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.”

“Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

“That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.

“By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand – my shake sounds

somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake.

“Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson.

“Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?”

“That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more – but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent – now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat – much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed.

“For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man – and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

“As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.”

“Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?”

“I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious.

“Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?”

“They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?”

“Yeah, they do,” said Jack.

“I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy – with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?”

Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

“Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?”

“Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be – you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

“Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.”

“Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?”

“Right,” nodded Nate.

“Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully.

“That takes two requests, Jack.”

“Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?”

“Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.”

“Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?”

“Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders.

“Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?”

“No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works – the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it’s fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.

“Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?”

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate…

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans…

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to

hoodwink me like that.”

“I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you – especially one my size. And besides, admit it – it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.”

“Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?”

“More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.”

“Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack.

“Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?”

“Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.”

“We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate.

“Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

“I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

“Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn – I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.”

“Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.”

[Sholos]

Second part of epic joke:
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

“Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done – it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back – I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.”

“It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.”

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?”

“Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.”

“Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?”

“No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.”

“So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack.

“Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.”

“Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack.

“Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake – much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since.

“What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?”

“Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

“You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate.

“Why not?” asked Jack.

“I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate.

“Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot.”

“Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate.

“What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world.”

“Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?”

“Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?”

Nate continued to grin.

“A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?”

“Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here.”

“Rules? What rules?” asked Jack.

“The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?”

“Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.”

“Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?”

“Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?”

“That seems to be it,” agreed Nate.

“What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?”

“Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.”

“But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.”

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?”

“Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.”

“Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?”

“Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.”

“What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack.

“He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate.

“Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?”

“I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.”

“Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

“Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?”

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.”

“Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, “give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?”

“Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?”

“He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.”

“Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

“You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position.

“Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice.

“And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?”

“Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just Kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

“Nate, do accidents count?”

Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?”

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement.

A little later – “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack.

“That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate.

“No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?”

“Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.”

“Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

“Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack.

“Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.”

“Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?”

“He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind – he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

“His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.”

“And then he just died?” asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.”

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate – recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him – a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly – at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he ‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.”

Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy?

“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.

“Yo, Sammy” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?”

Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance – to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

“He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”

Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?”

Nate shook his head. “No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s. So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?”

Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request.

“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

“You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack.

“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”

Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.”

Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailing and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,” he ran over the snake.

THE END

[Player_Zero]

http://img824.imageshack.us/img824/1363/1238624863294.jpg

See, the punchline is that

there's 9 minutes of setup that looks like it's building up to an epic pun, and then there's no joke.


http://img121.imageshack.us/img121/9754/1274153363327.jpg

[Marillion]

Second part of epic joke:
BETTER NATE THAN LEVER BETTER NATE THAN LEVER BETTER NATE THAN LEVER BETTER NATE THAN LEVER

Bah! You beat me to it.

Also, if that were the first time I'd seen that, I'd want to lynch you. Just saying.

[Savannah]

How dogs change a light bulb:
Border collie
I'm on it. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund
You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

Chow chow
Make me.

Labrador retriever
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!!!!!!!!!!

German shepherd
I'll change it as soon as I've lead the these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell terrier
Sure, I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the furniture!

Old English sheepdog
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see any lightbulb...

Chihuahua
No. And now I will gnaw on your ankle for telling me to do such a menial task.

Pointer
I see it....there it is....there it is....easy now....right there....

Golden retriever
You have to throw this stick for me, first.

Bloodhound
Sure, I'll - wait. Do you smell that?

Irish setter
Huh?

American Staffordshire terrier
Let the border collie do it. I'll climb in your lap while he's busy.

Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Mastiff
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

How cats change a light bulb:
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be until I can get some light, a nice dinner, and a massage?

[Scarey Nerd]

2 Cybermen walk into a bar. 50 Cybermen walk out.

[Rutskarn]

http://img121.imageshack.us/img121/9754/1274153363327.jpg

Yes, exactly. Glad to see you've been keeping up.

[Savannah]

*blond and lawyer guessing game*

Just told this one to my family. They liked it.

[Player_Zero]

Yes, exactly. Glad to see you've been keeping up.


http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/5538/eatyourpea.gif

[Rutskarn]

I'm not actually sure there is a proper context for that one, original or otherwise.

[Player_Zero]

I'm not actually sure there is a proper context for that one, original or otherwise.



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An anthology of reaction.

[Winthur]

Ukraine, 1930.

Local radio station is broadcasting.

Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin just woke up, why don't you wake up too?
Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin is exercising right now. Why don't you do so too?
Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin is washing himself, so wash yourself too!
Tavarisches! Tavarisch Stalin is eating breakfast right now, and for you - some morning music.


Tovarisch Stalin is playing bridge with his compatriots from the party.
He opens up the bid with 1♣.
"1♥"
"1NT"
"2♥"
"1♣", says Stalin again.
"Pass"
"Pass"
"Pass"

--

"I collect jokes about myself", said Churchill. "I have a notebook full of anegdotes..."
"I also collect jokes about myself", replied Stalin. "I have a camp full of anegdotes..."

--

One of Stalin's favourite pastimes was to ask random comrades he met on his way the following question: "Comrade! How come you are still alive?"

--

"I heard you are telling jokes about me!", said Stalin to commander Tukhachevsky. "And I don't like that!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm the Great Leader, Teacher and Friend of the State!"
"Nice, didn't hear that one."

--

What were comrade Koncuniev's last words before commiting suicide?
"Comrades, hold your fire!"

--

Lord John decided to visit lord Tom for some tea. They drink in adequate silence.
"Where's Lady Mary?", lord John asked.
"Upstairs.", lord Tom replied.
"I shall pay her a visit, then.", lord John got up from his chair and went upstairs. After a longer while he comes back, fixes his outfit discreetly, and sits back at the table. The talk doesn't go too well, so he takes a sip out of his cup. He then spits it out, saying:
"Rather cold, I say."
"Quite, quite! She's been dead for three days now..."

[The Extinguisher]

In retrospect that wasn't as funny as I thought.

Facebook and twitter make me unable to write jokes. Only witty one-liners. Instead, I pick up terrible things like these.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."

[Spiryt]

World War II.

American commando is being chosen to the special mission of great importance.

" You'll fly near the Berlin, you'll see circle of light signals, and you'll jump there"
" When you'll pull the string, parachute will open"

"And if it won't?"

" You'll pull the second one, and it will open then. You'll land near the bridge, and find a bike there. You'll find the way to a village hidden on it, you'll ride to this village, and there you'll receive further instructions"

Commando is preparing to jump. He sees no signals at all in the night.
He finally decides to jump, as time is running out.

When he is falling down, he pulls the string, but nothing happens.

He swears, stressed and pulls the second string. Still nothing happens.

Commando swears again and says:

" If there will be no bike near the bridge either, I'll be totally screwed!"

[IonDragon]

2 Cybermen walk into a bar. 50 Cybermen walk out.

I bequeath to you one internet good sir.

[Lord Raziere]

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know but they will have the sum any minute now.

How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to state the hypothesis, one to run the experiment and one to be the guinea pig.

how many average joes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one. its just a lightbulb.

How many generals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
We need more troops!

How many superheroes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
any number, but it requires a worldwide crossover, a great universal threat and a bunch of sudden changes to said superheroes and the universe around them afterwards

how many giant mecha does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
any number, but it takes 50 episodes, a war and everyone dying at the end to do so.

how many DnD players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
six. one to be the DM, five to go on a quest to find said lightbulb.

how many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
eleven. one to write the first novel, the other ten to steal his idea.

how many videogamers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one, but he will stay after finishing it to get 100% completion.

how many fanboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
six. one to screw in the lightbulb, one to complain about it, one to complain about the one complaining about it, one to accept the change, one to claim they have always hated it and one to find a different lightbulb.
Alternative punchline:
None. the creator did it and the fanbase are divided about this.

a comedian with a puppet as a part of his act is performing in the concert hall
of a small town where makes fun of the various people attending in the act.
however a man stands up and angrily shouts
"I had enough of this! this is offensive!"
the comedian replied "Sir I intended no offense"
the man responded "Not you! I'm talking to the guy on your knee!"

two guys named Dum and Dummer are on a plane. The pilot announces
that one of the engines has gone out and the plane will be late by a half-hour.
"Darn" says Dum "We will be late."
An hour later, another engine goes out.
"Darn" says Dum. "We will be late by an hour."
An hour after that the third engine goes out.
"Darn" says Dum.
"Yea, now we will be late by an hour and half!" responded Dummer
"Yes and I sure do hope that the fourth engine doesn't go out." replied Dum
"Yea, then we will be late by two hours!" said Dummer.

[Spiryt]

What USSR and USA had in common?

In both countries ruble was worthless.

[Lioness]

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[BisectedBrioche]

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

XD, I haven't seen this joke in years and its still funny.

[Brewdude]

A lawyer walks gets to the pearly gates and waits in line to get to heaven. Saint Peter spots him and quickly pulls him out of the line.
"Wow, we've been waiting for you. Here, let me give you the tour!" he said.
The lawyer then got escorted past everyone inside and past some very shabby looking houses. "to your right, there's the doctors wing". He passes some dormatories. "to your left, you can see the saints housing facility". Then he came upon a palatial mansion with a giant yard and amazingly well kept garden. "This will be your house," said Saint Peter. The lawyer was shocked. "How did I merit such a fine house?"

"Well, saints and doctors are a dime a dozen up here, but you are our very first lawyer!"

[Brewdude]

{Scrubbed}

[Marillion]

Two hung over leprechauns walk into a church.
One of them asks the priest "Are there any leprechaun nuns around here?"
"No" says the father
"Are there any leprechaun nuns anywhere in Ireland?" asks the leprechaun
"Um...No" says the father
"Are there ANY leprechaun nuns ANYWHERE in the world at all?!?!" the leprechaun asks franticly.
"No, my son. There are no such things as leprechaun nuns."
The first leprechaun hangs his head in shame.
The second leprechaun points at him and shouts...

"See!! I told you, you screwed a penguin!"

A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."

The old man starts to cry again, and says
"But you screw one goat..."

[Cealocanth]

...I feel like I caught the plauge willingly.

Two leprechauns are sitting in a bar. The first one asks:
"Hey laddie, do ye have a dollar?"

Nah, I'm a little short!

[Roland St. Jude]

Sheriff of Moddingham: This thread lacks discussion (which is important on a discussion forum) and certain jokes that are inappropriate for this forum. Thread locked.